Originally uploaded to Pastebin: February 12th, 2013
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>Day Protection in Equestria
>You are Anon
>Travelling Ape extraordinaire
>So here you are in Canterlot, visiting for the week
>Being a human and all, it comes with special privileges
>Most importantly, ponies don't throw rocks at you because you're endangered
>Fuck yeah, government protection
>And also you get to say what you want to whoever you want because after you took an Equestrian IQ test, you were declared mentally retarded
>Fuck yeah, diplomatic immunity
>You're not really retarded
>Back home you were a normal person
>Here though, since the IQ test was all about magic, which you know fuck all about, you are a retard
>Woo hoo
>Still, it's good to swagger around with your free money and have ponies be nice to you because "you're special"
>Though the ponies that actually know you treat you normally, usually after you abuse your "retardation" to get special favours
>Applejack was pissed after she found out you had tricked her out of a week’s worth of apples
>She gave them to you for free because she thought you were a retard
>Shortly after she found you discussing Earth politics and social stigmas that plague human society with Twilight
>Needless to say, you found out that you were a born track runner that day
>At least the apples were tasty
>The reason you're in Canterlot is simple though
>Fluttershy
>As always
>Really though, you should have seen this coming
>It IS a Flutterrape story.
>Come on, reader. Get it the fuck together.
>God damn.
>You walk through the busy streets of Canterlot, smiling at the upper-class ponies, who turn their noses up at you
>One such pony turns his nose up so fast and so hard he broke his own neck
>You laugh to yourself as his wife screams and calls for help
>Reach a plaza, opting to sit next to a fountain and rest your legs
>You sit down on the bench and close your eyes, your head hanging forward for a second
>You open them again and look around
>Ponies going to and fro, nothing out of the ordinary here
>Looking up, you see the jewel of Canterlot towering over the city - Canterlot Castle
>You should probably pay Celestia a visit
>She asked for a friendship report after you said thank you to a scientist after he gave you a lollipop for "being a good boy"
>That was 2 months ago
>You'll just say that Spike was broken and that it got lost in the mail
>Standing up and stretching, you begin your trek towards the castle gates
>Luna wasn't so bad
>Celestia on the other hand
>Well, for a Princess, she has a weird way of conducting herself when not in public
>Not sexually, mind. Just... Odd.
>Staying in the Castle for the first 2 weeks of your life here in Equestria revealed a lot about the royal sisters
>Turns out they like to get drunk a lot
>And tell you secrets that you don't want to hear while you're trying to read
>Honestly, your life would be so much better if you didn't know that Luna spent her 1000 years on the moon perfecting the noble art of self-satisfaction
>Fuckin' royal horse
>As the gates near, you go over what you're going to say to Celestia
>You're close to her, but it doesn't make talking any easier
>For your first friend in this world, she sure was distant
>Then again, you weren't exactly making an effort to keep this friendship afloat
>Two months without a letter
>You hope she isn't too sore about it
>After you get past the guards at the gate, you walk through the castle on your way to the throne room
>A short while later you push open the doors to the throne room
>Luna is sat where her sister is, reading the paper and sipping coffee
Luna?
>She looks up
>"Ah. Greetings, Anonymous. What brings you here?"
Uhh. Not much, really. Just wanted to see if Celestia is about
>Luna pouts
>"Why don't you want to see if I'M about?"
...Are you about?
>She picks up her paper again and goes back to reading
>"No. I'm busy."
>You stand there in silence for a while, awkwardly fiddling with your hands and looking around the room
>Stone-faced guards look back
Luna?
>"Yes?"
Could you please tell me where Celestia is?
>"Kitchen"
Thanks.
>You walk out the room and down the steps towards the kitchen
>Before you reach the doors leading into it, you hear raised voices
>"PRINCESS FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP EATING THE CAKE!"
>"BUT I NEED IT!"
>You run through the doors and see Celestia, being restrained by the entire kitchen staff. All 20 of them.
>Celestia is straining and grunting to try and get towards a giant half-eaten cake
>The head chef, a pony with one eye and a fake parrot sellotaped to his shoulder, is waving a spatula at her, shaking it violently at her whenever she lurches forward
>"BACK! BACK YE GLUTTONOUS FIEND! THIS CAKE IS FER THE ZEBRA AMBASSADOR! GET YE FILTHY HOOVES OFF IT!"
>He waves the spatula at Celestia again
>Her face reacts to it the same way a negative magnet reacts to another
>Pushed away by an invisible force while she says "NYEEEUUUGH"
>Her horn shines golden
>"SHE'S TRYIN TO USE MAGIC! STOP HER!"
>6 kitchen hands latch onto her horn and start smearing jam all over it
>The chef sighs in relief
>"That were a close one"
>He turns to you
>Your jaw is slack and you're drooling at the spectacle
>The chef, completely indifferent to your reaction, or the spectacle behind him, speaks up
>"Jam, laddie. Acts as a natural magic nullifier. Now what can I do fer ye?"
I... I wanted to...
>You stop speaking to watch as Celestia thrashes around, sending 2 chefs flying into a pile of dirty pans
>The recover, shake themselves off, and jump back on top of her
>The head-chef moves into your view, an impatient look on his face
>"Yes? What? Look, lad. I'm sure ye business is important, but I have very delicate matters to attend to here"
>He turns around
>"MORE JAM! MAKE THAT PRINCESS SLIMIER THAN MY EX-WIFES CUNT!"
>He looks back at you
>"So what is it?"
I n-need to speak to Celestia.
>"Oh good, she was becoming a handful"
>He trots over to her
>"A visitor, your majesty"
>"NYYEEEUUUGH"
>"It's the human"
>A brilliant flash of gold, several screams, and a loud bang happen all at once
>Celestia is stoof amongst the remains of the kitchen staff, who are dazed and groaning all around her
>The head chef is unconscious with his spatula up his butt
>Blink
>Celestia smiles at you, levitates a slice of cake to her lips and walks past you
>"Good afternoon, Anonymous! Come! Let us talk."
>You stagger after the princess
>She swaggers down a long hallway, humming a tune and nibbling the cake
>You watch as she just magics away all the mess from her body. The jam. The icing. The sweat and blood of the chefs.
But... I thought Jam-
>"Doesn't work on Alicorns. The head chef is yet to learn that."
I uhh. I don't think I've met him before. He's certainly... Different. Who is he?
>"Hans Gruber. He's new."
Hans G-
>"So."
>She stuffs the entire slice of cake in her mouth and swallows. Not even bothering to chew
>Like an exotic bird.
>"What brings you here?"
I just wanted to visit. Seems like I came at a bad time...
>"No! Not at all! I only have a few things to attend to today. And Luna's insomnia has given me a bit of free time"
>She starts excitedly jumping on the spot
>"Ooh! I haven't had time off in 450 years!"
>She turns to you
>"So. What do you want to do first?"
I dunno. What does an immortal sun god do for fun?
>Cue the montage.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ8Sz8CJY5g

>You ride Celestia as she glides over Canterlot, both of you throwing money and dead birds at poor people
>A bird hits an orphan in the face and he falls backwards into a mud puddle
>You cannot contain your sides and Celestia struggles to keep steady in flight, resulting in both of you crash-landing in a hospital

>Celestia snickers and you are red in the face from trying to hold in your anticipation
>Luna slowly enters the room, looking around nervously
>You and Celestia are invisible, courtesy of Sunbutt
>Luna creeps over to her secret box under her bed
>She looks over her shoulder one last time before opening it
>She takes out her diary
>At that moment, Celestia runs up behind her, ramming her entire horn inside Luna's vagina
>She screams in pain and surprised pleasure as you steal the book
>You both run out the room screaming with laughter as Luna chases you, shouting at full volume and sending deadly magic projectiles after you

>Celestia and you sit on the ceiling, reading Luna's diary
>Gravity was turned off
>Chairs and tables float around
>"Dear diary, my heart longs for Twilight Sparkle, she's everything I ever dreamed of in a mare, I only wish she would become the stars to my night sky!"
>You wipe tears from your eyes and clutch your now sore stomach
>Celestia loses control of the spell and you both go falling to the floor

GOOOOAL!
>Celestia cheers and marks down another point to you
>She then takes her turn with the sun cannon
Down there! Down there! That snooty looking one in the white top hat!
>Celestia points the giant magnifying glass at him
>Within seconds the pony goes up in flames and runs around screaming before jumping into the moat

>You both charge into the kitchen, wearing tin-foil armour and waving rolling pins
>Celestia is wielding 10 at a time with her magic
>Hans Gruber screams
>"OH GOD SHE'S BACK! AND SHE HAS AN UNDERLING!"
WE HAVE COME FOR YOUR CAKE, INFIDEL!
>"I KNEW YOU COULDN'T BE TRUSTED, MONKEY!"
>You and Celestia laugh over the carnage and screaming as you chase the kitchen staff around the room with rolling pins

>You roar with laughter on the grass as Celestia finishes drawing a huge dick on Discord's statue
>You paint a bra and panties on him in pink paint
>While you both laugh you swear you can hear a faint growling coming from the stone

>"Shhh!"
>You clamp a hand over your mouth
>Luna enters the room, a spear levitating near her
>"I KNOW YOU'RE BOTH IN HERE! COME OUT AND I WON'T HURT YOU!"
>Celestia hisses "Now!" at you
>You pull the rope and a suspended log held up slams into Luna's side
>She screams as she is launched out of a stained glass window and down the mountain
>"I HATE YOU BOOOOOOOooooooth..."
>Your sides transcended

Dear Twolot Spackel
>Celestia snickers
I hope your studies of hydroelectricity are going well, and I expect a full report tomorrow! Yours, Celestia
>You both cry laughing while you watch in a crystal ball as Twilight screams for 15 whole minutes after receiving the letter
>Spike looks disgruntled

>You look through a telescope and watch as Celestia fires a concentrated beam of pure heat at a distant mountain near the southern barrens
>She puts the finishing touches to her work
>The mountain now bares a message
>"Chrysalis is a faget"
>You both listen carefully and hear a distant roar on the wind
>Hi-fives/hooves are had

>The giant vault door groans
>Eventually Celestia's laser cuts through the magic barriers and tempered steel
>A hoard of cakes and pies lie before you, seemingly going on forever
>Celestia starts crying
>You hold her and try to fight back the tears at the sheer beauty of the scene before you

>A gentle breeze rolls across the grassy knoll
>Celestia rests her head on your shoulder as you both watch the sun sink behind the horizon
>"This was fun, Anonymous. Thanks"
>You put an arm around her and squeeze
No problem, Tia.

>Day Friendship in Equestria
>You wake up and rub your eyes
Ohh goood, what did I do last night?
>You look over and see the mountain of empty Moon Pie wrappers
Awesome.
>Celestia stirs next to you
>"Ohh mother... What did I do last night?"
>She looks over and sees the mountain of empty Sun Bun wrappers
>"Awesome"
Mornin' Tia.
>She looks at you
>"Nnfff"
That wasn't a word, Tia
>"I don't wanna get up"
You have a planet to run. Don't be lazy
>You slap her on the ass, causing her to yelp
>"You don't get to slap royalty, Anonymous. You're not that friendly with us"
Tell it to someone who cares, oh "Queen of Laughs"
>She hurls a pillow at you at the sound of the nickname she gave herself during yesterday's sugar and happiness induced clusterfuck
>You dodge it and stick out your tongue
Mind if I use your bathroom?
>"Sure. Go ahead"
>You walk into the cavernous bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror
>There's Moon Pie in your hair
>You grumble and go to the shower
>One hot blast of water and a hell of a lot of orange scented shampoo later, you emerge and dry yourself off
>You reach for a toothbrush
>Celestia calls from the other room
>"Anonymous?"
Yeah?
>"I forgot to tell you, don't use the red toothbrush. I use it for uhh. Scientific Experiments with Rats."
Masturbation, got it
>"Go to tartarus, Ape."
>You chuckle and use the blue toothbrush
>All cleaned up, you walk back into Celestia's room
>She's sipping coffee
>"All better?"
All better. I'm gonna head off now. This was great, though.
>She smiles
>"It was. It's good to see you again, Anonymous. You're the first being I've spent time off with in 450 years. Most of the time I just get drunk with Luna inside the castle walls during the last 2 hours of the day..."
Well I'm glad you enjoyed it, Tia. I'll see you soon?
>"Sounds good. Goodbye!"
>You say a final goodbye and head out the door, walking through the winding halls and thinking about your time with Celestia
>You see the doors leading out of the castle
>But before you can reach them, you hear a shout
>"STOP! THEIF! HE HAS THE ROYAL JEWELS!"
>You snap your head around and look down a corridor where the shout originated
>A pony dressed in black in galloping down the hall, a bag in his mouth
>A few Royal Guards follow him
>You look around
>Then back at the mob heading towards you
>You shrug
>And extend your foot slightly
>The thief trips over it and slams to the ground, the bag of jewels going everywhere
>The guards all body slam him, eliciting a distressed groan 
>You stuff your hands in your pockets and watch with an amused look as the guards pummel the thief
>Eventually he stops moving, and a guard drags him off, the others following him
>All but one
>The guard in the most ostentatious armour stays behind, removing his helmet and staring at you in awe
>Raise an eyebrow
>"Son, that was incredible, the way you took that thief down and foiled his efforts."
>He clears his throat and extends a hoof towards you
>You take it and shake it slightly
>"I am Steel Rain. Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard in absence of his majesty Prince Shining Armour."
Cool.
>"Very cool. Son, I think you've got what it takes to be a Royal Guard."
>You stroke your stubble and muse to yourself
Royal guard, eh?
>"Yes."
Is the pay good?
>"Nope."
Hours acceptable?
>"Not even close."
Do I get any special privileges?
>"Don't make me laugh"
Do I get a pension?
>"The hell is a pension?"
Can I learn how to wield a weapon?
>"Any fighting methods we can teach you will be useless since you aren't even a pony"
Is there any reason whatsoever why I should join the guard?
>"You get to wear golden armour and carry around a spear"
I'LL DO IT!
>"WELCOME ABOARD, SON!"
>You are Anonymous
>Royal Guard

>You are Anonymous
>Bored as fuck
>You were assigned to the Celestial Guard, given your lack of scary features required for the Nocturnal Guard
>You tried, really.
>You even waggled your fingers and went "OOoOOoOOOoOOO"
>Half the ponies in the room suffered heart attacks, and the others pissed themselves
>But much to your dismay, they simply couldn't sign you up for it because you don't have bat wings.
>But they gave you a lollipop for effort
>And also because you're still medically retarded
>You stand outside the throne room doors
>Alone
>All the other guards are on break and you have no one to talk to
>Not that you can talk to them
>You're supposed to stay quiet and march up and down all day
>Some job this is
>They didn't even teach you how to use your pointy stick
>That's just sad.
>Though it seems easy enough
>You watched 300 like, twice. So you just need to emulate that somehow.
>You drift off and start fantasising about fending off armies off changelings by yourself in slowmo and deflecting spells with your rock hard abs
>Shake your head at the sound of a commanding officer shouting at you
>"ATTENTION!"
YES!
>"No, Anon, just stay quiet and salute"
Oh yeah, sorry.
>He shakes his head sadly
>You salute and give him your best stone-face
>"YOU HAVE A NEW PARTNER!"
SIR! WHO, SIR!
>He motions to the new guard stood next to him
>Fluttershy.
>In Royal Guard armour
Oh fucking hell no.
>Fluttershy smiles meekly at you
What- WHAT? WHY.
>You drop to your knees and look Fluttershy in the eye from her level
WHHHYYYYYY
>"Umm... Hello to you too?"
>She tries to hide behind her mane but her helmet covers it, so she just ends up turning her head to the side and looking at you with one eye
>Like a curious pigeon
>The commanding officer screams some more, causing you and Flutterguard to jump
>"STAND UP, SOLDIER."
>You do so immediately
>"FLUTTERSHY HERE IS YOUR NEW PARTNER. SHE WILL BE ASSIGNED TO YOU WITH EVERYTHING YOU DO"
But why? What has she POSSIBLY got to offer the guard?
>"She's saved Equestria twice, is an element of harmony, can wrestle bears, has an IQ of 160 and her father was a Cloudsdale Legionnaire"
>Oh
Oh.
>"Indeed. NOW GET TO YOUR POSTS!"
>You take your position again, eyes staring straight ahead
>Maybe if you ignore her, she'll go aw-
>She's rubbing your dick
>Slap her away
>She squeaks and scuttles back to her post
>2 meters away
>Glare at the hallway, determined to ignore her
>Beefeater mode: Activate
>You'll do the queen proud with how little fucks you give about everything around you
>Fluttershy speaks up, breaking the silence
>"S-so umm. Were you surprised?"
>Don't answer her, Anon. Her sight is based on sound.
>"I was surprised to see you..."
>Nope.
>"Umm... W-want to know why I'm here?"
>You ain't sayin' shit.
>"W-well when you went on your trip, you said that you'd be back soon... Y-you were gone 2 months... I got worried"
>Oh yeah.
>Probably should have mentioned that your extremely basic training took 2 months to complete
>But... Why is Fluttershy here now? You didn't see her during the training
>NO! Can't ask her. Will break silence
>"So are guards your f-"
Don't.
>She shuts up
Just don't.
>She looks at the floor sadly
>"I thought maybe you wanted some company..."
I've made friends with the guards. I don't need you.
>Oh great. Here come the tears
>"D-d-don't n-need me?"
>She starts openly weeping
>Just then the throne room doors open and out walks Celestia, sipping some orange juice out of a carton that's being levitated in a golden aura
>She looks at Fluttershy and then at you
>You stare at Celestia
>Fluttershy continues to sob
>You and Celestia stare at Fluttershy
>Celestia and Fluttershy stare at you
>You and Fluttershy stare at Celestia
>Celestia stares at both of you at the same time
>What
>"Anonymous, why is Fluttershy here? And why is she dressed as a Royal Guard? And why is she crying?"
I have absolutely no idea, Princess.
>"...Huh"
>Celestia prods Fluttershy's head
>This invokes a squeal and a noise like a dog's chew-toy squeaking
>"Weird."
>She sips her OJ again
>"Well then! You two have fun!"
>You watch Celestia go
>Fluttershy wipes her eyes and smiles at you
>"S-so is crying your fetish?"
No.
>"Oh... Are guard uniforms your fetish?"
No.
>"What about standing around for hours on end?"
Nah.
>"Okay..."
>You stand in silence for a while longer

>And by a while you mean hours
>Fucking. Hours.

>Fluttershy yawns
>You do the same
God damn this is boring
>"W-why did you even want to do this?"
I can't remember.
>"It seems silly..."
Yeah, I guess it is.
>More silence
>Steel Rain walks around a corner and looks at you two
>He blinks
>"Private Anonymous?"
Sir?
>"Why the hell is Fluttershy stood next to you?"
Uh, she's a Royal Guard, sir. I think.
>"I don't recall seeing her in basic training."
Me neither, sir. She just showed up and some commanding officer said that she checks out.
>"...Anonymous?"
Sir?
>"What did this commanding officer look like?"
>You think back

>You are Anonymous
>Bored as fuck
>You drift off and start fantasising about fending off armies off changelings by yourself in slowmo and deflecting spells with your rock hard abs
>Shake your head at the sound of a commanding officer shouting at you
>"ATTENTION!"
YES!
>"No, Anon, just stay quiet and salute"
Oh yeah, sorry.
>He shakes his head sadly
>He is a white unicorn in typical golden guard armour, but absolutely covered in gems.
>He also has a large black moustache on
>Looks a bit lop-sided, though.
>Hm.

>Back to the present
>Describe the pony to Steel Rain
>"Anonymous, did it ever occur to you that it might have been the Element of Generosity, who is staying at the Castle for the week?"
I... Didn't know, sir. Sorry.
>"Anonymous, were you just fooled into letting Fluttershy impersonate a Royal Guard all day by a mare wearing a fake moustache?"
...I think I was, sir.
>He stares at you
>Glance over at Fluttershy
>She's trying to sneak away
>Steel Rain glares at her
>"YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR IMPERSONATING A ROYAL GUARDSMAN!"
>She screams and takes flight
>"ANONYMOUS! TIME TO PUT THAT TRAINING TO USE!"
YOU NEVER TRAINED ME SIR! I SPENT 2 MONTHS PLAYING WITH COLOURING BOOKS AND CRAYONS!
>"SON OF A BITCH, ANON. JUST THROW THE FUCKING SPEAR AT HER!"
>You grip the end of the long wooden sick and throw it at Fluttershy
>Not in the fashion of a javelin. No, the same way you would throw a stick for a dog
>The pole slams into Fluttershy and brings her crashing to the floor
>You and Steel Rain do the traditional Royal Canterlot Body Slam
>Both of you jump on Fluttershy and crush her
>She orgasms underneath you
>Steel Rain, led on top of you, shouts in your ear
>"SHE'S DEPLOYING LUBRICANTS! RESTRAIN HER!"
>You punch her in the back of the head
>"That might have been a bit much, Private."
Sorry, sir. Heat of the moment thing.
>"I understand"
>You both get off her and look down at the dazed mare in guard's armour, groaning and soaked in her own juices
>"How can we ensure this never happens again, Anon?"
I think I have an idea, sir.

>12 minutes later you kick open the doors of the barracks, a still dazed Fluttershy slung over your shoulder
>The soldiers are all astonished at your entrance
Evenin', lads. You all like mares?
>They all nod
>One of them shakes his head
You all like mares in uniform?
>They all nod
>One of them shakes his head again
>Another slaps him, and he starts nodding with the others
Well good news!
>Throw Fluttershy into the middle of the room
>She smells like sex
Have fun!
>You close the doors to the barracks as the soldiers cheer
>Steel Rain congratulates you
>"Excellently handled, Anon! I'm promoting you to staff seargant!"
What does that mean?
>"You get to scream at people and sit in a comfy office all day!"
FUCK YEAH!
>You run up the stairs to Celestia's room
>Kicking open the doors again, you see her about to climb into bed
>She screams as the doors fly open
>"Anonymous! What are you doing?!"
You.

>And so you did.
>And it was amazing.

The End