Originally uploaded to Pastebin: June 3rd, 2013
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>Day Hitched in Equestria 
>Wake up 
>Shit shower shave
>Walk downstairs and prepare to end your average day morning ritual
>To your slight disappointment, nothing interesting happens while you eat your cereal
>Which sucks
>Last month your food caught fire because you had accidently bought white phosphorus instead of oatmeal
>That was a tough meal to stomach
>Put your bowl in the kitchen sink and go to the front door, checking yourself in the mirror before you go
>Open the door
>Trip over Fluttershy
>Slide along the floor
Ugh...
>"Good morning!"
>Her friendly attitude is poisonous this early in the morning
Fuggoff.
>"Pardon?"
FUGGOFF.
>"I can't understand you with your face pressed into the dirt, Anonymous"
>Remove your face from the dusty path
I SAID FU- what the shit are you wearing.
>"Oh, this? It's nothing."
>She's wearing live sparklers
>She winces every time a spark hits her face
Doesn't that hurt?
>"Love hurts, Anon."
Fucking hell, Fluttershy. Just how desperate are you?
>"I'm desperate for your dick, hunky bear!"
Really?
>"Oh yes! I want to-"
No, I mean, REALLY? These are the pickup lines you're using?
>"...They aren't working?"
Mother fuh.. No, they aren't working. Why would they work on ANYONE?
>"Because I love you?"
Are you delusional?
>"Love makes you delusional, Anon"
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID?
>"Um..."
>Sigh and rub your eyes
Alright, listen. Fluttershy. I don't love you. Okay? You might have these fucked up little feelings for me, but I don't love you, okay?
>"Can we have sex now?"
Are you serious?
>"I can be top if you want."
You're not even listening to me, are you?
>"Oh yeah, baby."
You're just hearing what you want to hear.
>"You DO love me!"
>Slap her
>"Ouch!"
>Tears well in her eyes
>"I-if this is what gets y-you off, I'll do it, Anon..."
STOP TALKING, FLUTTERSHY.
>She shuts up
>Let out an exasperated groan
You're out in full force today, aren't you? I don't think you've ever laid it on this hard.
>"I'll lay you ha-"
NO.
>"Okay..."
>You sigh and sit down cross legged
>She cocks her head
Sit, Fluttershy.
>She places her butt on the path
Look at me.
>She looks up from your dick
Now, I want you to be absolutely serious with me here, okay?
>She gulps
>"O-okay?"
Right.
>Clasp your hands together and point at her with them
Have you ever had a boyfriend?
>She stares at you
>Wait for an answer patiently
>Birds in a nearby tree tweet
>You watch as her eyes un-focus and drift skyward
>Remain perfectly still and watch her zone out
FLUTTERSHY
>"AH! YES!"
You HAVE had a boyfriend?
>"W-what? Umm... Well, n-no..."
>That was expected
>Stand up again
>Motion Fluttershy to do the same
Fluttershy, have you ever shown an interest in another pony?
>"N-not really..."
Have you ever had a crush?
>"Umm..."
Have you ever been kissed?
>She blushes deeply
Have you ever had any kind of intimate interaction with a member of the opposite sex?
>"W-well I touched your junk once-"
I don't count. I'm talking about stallions here.
>She goes quiet and hides behind her mane whimpering
>Kneel down and move her head
Shy, seriously, did you even go out in your childhood?
>"I... I didn't have any friends..."
>D'aww
>You remain stone faced, though.
>Straighten up again
Right. I know what I must do.
>"Oh yes, Anon! I will marry you!"
>Slap her again
>"P-please stop doing that..."
Fluttershy!
>She looks up at you cautiously, expecting another slap
We're going to get you a stallion.
>Fluttershy stares dumbfounded at you
>"I... No thank you, I umm... I need to tend animals..."
>She attempts an exit
>Grab her tail and yank her back
>"A-a-anon, I don't want this p-please, no, please."
>She starts stammering even harder than usual and going the colour of beetroot
>Though that might be because you're holding her upside down by her tail
>Alter your grip so that you're holding her up with two hands
>She trembles
>"I don't like talking to stallions..."
Yet you feel fine talking to me
>"Because I lo-"
No you don't.
>Fluttershy's ears go back
Come on. Let's go find you a man.
>"You're a man"
Stallion. I meant stallion. Shut up.
>As you stroll into town with Fluttershy under your arm, your mind is working overtime to try and pluck as many Strong-Independent-Female TV shows from your memory
>Surely one of them holds the answer to "grabbing a man and holding on for dear life"
>Your brain plays a sound bite of a black woman wagging her finger and saying "MMM HMMM" to a laugh track
>Fluttershy doesn't stop trembling the entire time
>Look down at her as you walk
>Her eyes are fixed on the floor
You really hate talking to ponies, don't you?
>"N-no... I like my friends though..."
>Pat her on the head with your free hand
There there, Shy, there there. I was like you once.
>"You were a Pegasus in love with a human?"
...No. I meant I was socially retarded.
>"How did you fix it?"
By not being socially retarded.
>Smooth as fuck, Anon
>Thanks, brain.
>You walk straight into Sugarcube Corner and up to the counter, a confident grin on your face and a terrified horse under your arm
>On Earth, people might question your motives
>But here, all that people ask is-
>"Hiya, Anon! What can I getcha?"
Heya, Pinks. Could I have an apple strudel, and one for my horse as well.
>"Don't be silly, Anon. Fluttershy isn't a horse! She's a pony!"
Eh, same difference. I also need an outside table
>"But you can just take one, silly! You don't need to ask me that!"
I know. But I did it anyway because I love hearing you talk.
>Pinkie Pie giggles
>"Well then, I'll go get your strudel, mister."
>She winks and trots into the kitchen
>You hoist Fluttershy up a bit, causing her to squeak, and walk back outside, setting her down in a seat
>Sit across from her
>She look back indoors, then back at you
You see what I did there?
>"Y-you hit on Pinkie?"
Aye. See how easy it was?
>"I... Suppose."
Think you could do that?
>"Hit on Pinkie? I don't think my barn door swings that way, Anon..."
No, you moron. I mean hit on a stallion as easily as I hit on Pinkie. It wasn't even a good line, but it made her smile, didn't it?
>Fluttershy taps her chin thoughtfully
>Pinkie Pie bounces up to you, tray in hand
>You pluck your treat off it and hand the other one to Fluttershy
Thanks, Pinkie
>She grins at you
>"No problem, Nonny."
>She lightly nudges your arm with a hoof and turns to walk away, a small, cute smile on her lips
>Fluttershy's eyes are wide
>"B-but Pinkie doesn't even like you that way!"
She does now, and also, how the hell would you even know that?
>"I don't know"
>Shake your head and eat your sugar covered pastry, savouring the apple within
>Fluttershy nibbles on hers in silence
>You start thinking of possible matches for Fluttershy, but first you need a second opinion on what you're working with here
>A stallion strolls past your table
Hey, buddy
>He turns his head and is evidently shocked to have been approached by the local alien so casually
>"Uhh, yes?"
I have no idea how to gauge a pony's attractiveness, so spare me the trouble and tell me how hot she is
>Point at Fluttershy
>The stallion thinks about it
>"Hmm... Nine out of ten"
Shit, seriously?
>"Yup. She was a model once, you know"
Alright, thanks, man.
>"I'm not a man-"
Whatever.
>He walks off and you look back at Fluttershy, who seems to be utterly livid
>"A-ANON!"
Yo.
>"Y-y-you can't just ask ponies that! It was so... Embarrassing..."
Why? You got complimented. Didn't it feel good? Haven't you ever been complimented by a guy?
>"Well this one time, you said I suited the sexy clown costume!"
That was a joke. It was also a horrible fetish guess. I'm actually scared shitless of clowns
>"Oh... Sorry..."
I might just make things more awkward now that you've reminded me of that. Consider it pay back
>She 'eeps' and tries to hide her entire face behind her mane
>Not that you care
>Your mind is on other things
>Namely, a match you think might work.
>You lick your fingers and snap them
Come on, I know where to start
>"C-can't we go home? I don't want to do this..."
I didn't want to live in a world of cartoon horses, but hey, I adapted, didn't I?
>"Well I'm glad you're here..."
I'm not. I had video games at home
>"We have video games"
'Button Presser 5' isn't a game.
>Ponies haven't got much room for creativity when they only have hooves to control their games with.
>You stand up and head straight in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres
>A smile grows on your face
>This is gonna be fun

>"Are you sure, Anon?"
I've never been more sure about anything in my life.
>"You said that about your decision not to marry me."
Second most sure thing in my life, then.
>You are both sat in a bush, looking out at the tall, muscular farm pony.
>Big Macintosh.
>He's absolutely perfect for Fluttershy
>Quiet, hardworking, gentle, and probably good looking
>Though you can't tell with ponies
So, you remember what to do?
>"No..."
Ugh. Walk up to him, and ask for his name.
>"But I already know Mac."
Then ask him how he's doing and if he can talk for a moment, then let the conversation flow from there.
>"O...kay?"
Good. NOW GO.
>Shove her out the bush and watch her roll down the hill towards Mac like a sexually deprived bowling ball
>She slams into his legs
>That gets his attention
>Pick up the bush and shuffle towards the pair so that you can listen in
>You're not even aware of how you managed to lift up a bush, or why it wasn't attached to the floor
>But whatever.
>Anon the match-maker cares not for conventional physics.
>"Ya okay there, Miss Fluttershy?"
>"O-oh, y-yes... Umm... I'm F-Fluttershy..."
>Mac's apathetic look changes to apathetic with a tiny hint of confusion
>"Ah know that, Fluttershy."
>He chuckles
>"What can ah do fer ya?"
>Fluttershy picks herself up and looks at the floor
>"Umm... C-can I talk to you for a second?"
>"Eeyup"
>...
...
>"..."
>"..."
>"Well don'cha want to say somethin'?"
>"Oh! Yes! Umm... H-hello..."
>"Uhh, Hi."
>...
>...
>Jesus fucking Christ this mare has the social capabilities of a walnut
>Mutter under your breath
Say something, you god damn horse
>...
>Big Mac clears his throat
>Fluttershy scuffs the ground with a hoof
>Mac looks back at the tree he was about to kick, then back at Fluttershy
>"Ya know, It was real nice talkin' to ya, Fluttershy. But ah gotta go now."
>"O-okay..."
>Mac shrugs and switches over the stalk in his mouth to the other side
>Walks back to his tree
>And continues working
>Fluttershy is stood completely rigid and staring at the ground
>Sigh and step out the bush
>Pick up Fluttershy and shove her under your arm
>Mac sees you
>He waves
>Wave back and point to Fluttershy
>He nods
>You nod back. completely understanding him.
>GUY TALK.
Never in all my life have I seen a being so awkward. And my cousin used to eat paste.
>"L-lots of foals eat paste..."
He was 32.
>"Oh..."
>You're sat inside Fluttershy's cottage
>You glance left and see a framed picture of you under the shower on a small table
>Place it face down so you don't have to look at it.
You alright?
>Fluttershy apparently went into shock shortly after Mac left
>She's currently wrapped up in a blanket with a hot water bottle on her head
>You had no idea how to treat shock, so you just decided that it must be the same as Flu, since everyone is so shocked when they get it.
>Fluttershy shudders
>"Oh Anon! It was just awful! He was staring me down with his oppressive eyes and undressing me with them as well! If you weren't there, he might have r-raped me!"
>Blink
>Stare at her
>She looks back
>Continue to stare
>You heard her, but your brain has the information in it's hands and is re-reading it over and over again whilst saying "What the fuck"
Did you actually just say that?
>"Umm, yes?"
Did you actually just... Say. That.
>"Y-yes?"
>Your mind shuts off
>Fluttershy
>Rape
>Oppressive
>Mac
>Undress
>Rape
>Fluttershy
>Undress
>Macinshy
>Rapeintosh
>Start drooling
>Black out.

>Wake up in Fluttershy's bed
>Luckily, you're still clothed
>Flutters is stood next to it
>"Are you okay?"
>Throw off the covers
>"W-want me to-"
DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU LAID AND THAT'S FINAL
>Grab the small horse and jump out her bedroom window, hitting the floor and rolling
>Fluttershy is squealing the entire time
>"T-THAT WAS DANGEROUS!"
Shut up shut up shut up don't talk just DON'T. TALK.
>She goes silent
>Briskly walk to the park, the pony under your arm dangling there feeling sorry for herself
>Reach your destination and sit down on a bench
>Take a deep breath
>Don't think about before, Anon. Just don't.
>Alright. We're clear, go.
>Turn to Fluttershy, who is sat next to you
Okay, disregarding that little hiccup, what do you look for in a stallion?
>"Oh! That's easy!"
>Progress! At last!
>"I like them to be kind... Generous... Good with animals... Strong, Handsome and Bipedal
Uh huh, uh huh, uh- wait.
>Give her a flat look
>She beams back
>"Will you be my special somep-"
No. Listen, you might need to lower your standards a bit. Having them that high will bite you in the ass later.
>She looks down
>"Sorry..."
Stop apologising.
>"Sorry..."
Fuckin-
>Groan again
>This is harder than you thought
>Look around the park for any stallions that are alone
>See one on a bench reading a book
Right. Him.
>"What?"
The time is now, small horse. Come on.
>Grab her before she can scramble away and walk over to the stallion
>He looks up from his book and sees an alien holding a pony looming over him
Hi.
>"Hello? Can I... Help you?"
Yes.
>Trust Fluttershy forwards similar to how a child thrusts a doll at her parent
Pony. You like?
>"Uh, n-no, thank you. Are you okay, miss?"
>She doesn't answer, she just sqeaks
Are you sure you don't want this? I can't seem to get rid of it.
>"Now hold on, you could at least refer to her as a... Well, her!"
So do you think she's attractive?
>He blushes
>"W-well, yes, but-"
Would you stick it in her?
>"I... I ca-"
Yes or no, man, I don't have all day.
>"Y- NO! No, I wouldn't."
Why not. You gay or something?
>He blushes even harder
>"Actually... Uhh..."
>Pull Fluttershy back a bit
...Oh...
>"Yeah..."
Uhh, sorry.
>"It's okay."
>He smiles shyly up at you
>"B-but I think you look alright! Would you like to go for some coffee sometime?"
>Ponder this
>Wait, no you don't. Nigga you ain't gay
No thanks, uhh..?
>"Caramel"
Caramel. Sorry for wasting your time
>"It wasn't wasted, stud."
>He gets up and winks before walking off with his book
>Why does it always have to be you.
>Fluttershy is oddly quiet
>Like a corpse
>Dark simile there, brain.
>Sorry
>You walk around town with Fluttershy under your arm looking for ponies to annoy
>Talk to her while you walk
You're really hard work, you know that?
>"Sorry..."
Ugh.
>You see a group of stallions up ahead
Alright, Fluttershy, I didn't want to have to do this, but you've forced my hand.
>Run up to them
>Point at the nearest
YOU! WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM.
>"S-seabreeze! I'm from Canterlot!"
DO YOU LIKE FLUTTERSHY?
>"NO!"
FINE.
>Point to his friend.
NAME. OCCUPATION. FAVOURITE MOVIE.
>"Pearjohn, gardener, Stable Whorses 7!"
SHIT NAME. SHIT JOB. PLEB TASTES.
>Point to the last one, who looks stricken with fear
NA-
>"THUNDERLANE WEATHER PONY SPIDERMARE 3 AND PONYVILLE"
DO YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS HORSE?!
>"W-WHAT?!"
DO YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS HORSE?!
>Rub Fluttershy's body against his face
>She trembles and goes redder than a tomato
>"Y-YES! I DO!"
>Pull Fluttershy back and smile at him
>Pat him on the back
>Place Fluttershy on the floor
Well alright then! Fluttershy, meet Thunderlane. Go do pony things now.
>Shoo them away with your hands
>Thunderlane's mouth is agape, like he just won the lottery
>"N-no way! I get to date Fluttershy?! She's crazy hot!"
Less beta, more alpha
>He clears his throat and puffs out his chest
>"R-right. Yeah. Okay."
>You watch him lead Fluttershy away
>She looks over your shoulder at you, looking similar to a fat kid on the first day of high school
>Smile and wave at her
Have fun!
>"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
>Sigh happily
Damn, I'm good.

>Walk home, exhausted after a day of setting horses up on dates
I should be a relationship counsellor.
>Unlock your front door and step through
>All your curtains are shut and it's dark as hell in your living room
>Fumble around and switch on the lights
>"Hey there, Anon."
>Pinkie Pie is sprawled out on your sofa, giving you the bedroom eyes.
>"Wanna feed me your frosting?"
Hell yeah.
>Fucking Pinkie Pie.

The End