Originally uploaded to Pastebin: July 12th, 2013
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>Equestria is a marvellous, miraculous place.
>It is filled to the brim with wondrous monsters, fantastical beasts and enchanting creatures that will puzzle the uninitiated.
>From Dragons, to Manticores, to Parasprites, to Hydras. Equestria will never fail to amaze and spark curiosity.
>But out of all these strange yet alluring specimens, there is one that consistently succeeds in puzzling the scholars and conspiracy theorists.
>An odd little being surrounded by folklore and veiled behind a wall of scorn in the eyes of the more educated ponies in the land.
>It is this most peculiar of things that an ambitious pony might pursue in an attempt to become famous.
>But alas, years of searching have yielded nothing. Leaving the modern generations to wonder where the tales even came from in the first place.
>The creature's name:
>Is the Ufflesnout.
>Its name is enough to invoke laughter among the educated crowds of Equestria, and various forms of disgruntlement in the face of the more rural areas.
>Its characteristics are more bizarre than its name, however. The Ufflesnout is said to be capable of remarkable feats of magic, along with seemingly random bursts of supernatural strength.
>Its skin is impervious to any and all forms of unicorn magic or mortal weaponry, and its eyes are sharp enough to see darkness as though it was day.
>Some even say it can fly.
>But such legends are just that - Legends. They are mere tales invented by the bored to cope with a lack of activity.
>The Ufflesnout is, much to the disdain of various monster hunters and bards, a myth.

>Nothing more.

>Day Exasperation in Equestria.
"I swear to fucking god, I will actually kill you if you take one more step closer."
>Fluttershy takes one step closer, determination in her eyes
>You narrow your own
"That's it! We're doing this."
>Jab the umbrella at her
>She squeals and jumps, the strap-on between her legs jiggling slightly
>"Please? I-it'll be fun, I promise!"
"There's nothing 'fun' about you having your way with me."
>You hesitate
"Infact it sounds like the exact opposite of fun. Anti-fun. You're Anti-fun, Fluttershy."
>She growls
>"I'm not anti-fun! Just let me show you, you... Damn dirty ape!"
"Ouch. Really swinging it home with this seduction, Fluttershy. I feel like I'm falling for you already!"
>"R-really?"
"No. Now get the hell out of my kitchen!"
>She growls, trying to be intimidating again
>"Oh no you don't mister! You WILL do as I..."
>She widens her eyes and glares at you
>"SAY!"
>You flinch
>...
>Then loosen up
>Rap your finger on the umbrella in your hands, waiting for her to do something
>Fluttershy is just glaring at you, her eyes wider than you've ever seen them
>Look around at your kitchen, various jars of sauces smashed on the floor and a chair broken in the corner
"So uhh, are you gonna do anything?"
>"I... AM..."
"Oh. Well then."
>She maintains the pose for a long time before gasping for breath
"Hah! Holy shit, were you holding your breath all that time?"
>She wheezes in response
"Well I counted like, 2 minutes. That's impressive, Fluttershy. REALLY impressive. In fact, that might have been the most amazing thing you've ever done."
>She manages a smile
>"Th-thank you, Anon..."
>Jump off your kitchen table, that you have been crouched atop of for the last 10 minutes and grab the pony by her mane
>"Ouch! D-did I win?"
"Your optimism and almost child-like naivety is admirable. Unfortunately, no. You didn't."
>Hurl her out your front door
"AND DON'T COME BACK!"
>Slam it.
>Spend the rest of your morning wiping up sauce from the walls and floor, as well as fixing the chair
>And by "fix" you mean hammer nails into it until you're bored
>With your breakfast, chores and daily fetish guess out the way, you stand proudly at your front door
>Another day awaits you in the peaceful town of Ponyville, and nothing is going to get you down!

>Fuck this town.
>"But I wanted one apple! Not two!"
>Rub your temples
>You work at Applejack's farm. And today it was your job to sell apples.
>Today, you were offering a 'buy-one-get-one-free' pitch
>The pony in front of you just doesn't get it though
"Ma'am. What does the sign to the left of me say"
>She looks to her left
"No, MY left, dipshit."
>She looks to your left
>"Buy one get one free?"
"Yes! So what's the problem?"
>"But... I don't get it!"
>Slam your head on the stand
>Reach over and grab the insufferable customer, who is only more confused at your outburst
>"Wait! You can't buy me! I'm not for--"
"SHUT UP."
>Point at the two apple on your stand
"YOU BUY ONE APPLE"
>Pick one up with a free hand and rub it against the pony's face
"AND YOU GET ANOTHER ONE"
>Pick up another with the same hand and rub that on her face as well
"FOR NO ADDITIONAL COST. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
>She blinks and a has a vacant look on her face for a moment
>"So... You're saying..."
>"That if I buy an apple..."
>Have you done it?
>"I get two for free?"
>Ponder the implications of what might happen if you commit a barbaric act of savagery in the middle of a marketplace
"You know what? Yes. Here you go. Three apples for free. Now get the hell out of my sight and never return."
>"B-but I only wanted one! I can't pa--"
"AWAY WITH YOU, FOUL EQUINE!"
>She squeals and gallops off
>Glower at the apples in the basket off to the side
>You hate the fruit
>Though you'd never tell Applejack that
>You once said you might be getting bored of them to her
>She nearly kicked a tree in half then went into hysterics
>It was downright horrifying
>Watch the other ponies go about their daily lives and business with an air of boredom
>Your stomach grumbles
>Groan and reach over to grab an apple
>As much as you hate them, they're all you have to eat while on the job
>Pluck it off the pile
>A bright blue eye peers out at you from beneath where the apple once was
>Stare at it
"What--"
>"HIYA ANON!"
>Pinkie Pie explodes out of the pile, sending your stock everywhere
>She bounces around you, giggling the whole time before coming to a stop before your stand
>"How are ya, Non-non?"
"You just sent my..."
>Look back at the bucket
>All the apples are back where they were
>What.
>Pinkie Pie's hoof reaches forwards and turns your head back to her
>"I saaaaaaid, how are you?"
"I'm fine, I guess. I'm kinda--"
>"Bored? Me too! Lets go!"
>She attempts to drag you away from the stand
"Woah! Wait! I need to sell apples!"
>"NO TIME! I FOUND SOMEP0NY TO FILL IN!"
>On cue, an inflatable version of you swells up behind the stand
>This pony isn't good for your psyche
"Where are we even going?!"
>"FUN!"
"What fun?"
>"FUN!"
"Pinkie! That isn't even an answer!"
>"FUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUN--"

>"--FUNFUNFUNFUNFUN!"
>She stops dragging you once you arrive at where she wanted you
>That is, out of town on the side of a road
>An old pony smiles warmly at you from a beaten up looking stand located next to an equally as dilapidated looking wagon.
>Pinkie Pie trots over to him, a large smile on her face
>You sigh and follow her
>If she wants you to drink any yellow potions again, she can forget it.
>The last one gave you wings
>Twilight burst into tears upon seeing you
>Though you're not sure why
>You reach Panka, already browsing the old pony's meagre store selection
>"WAZZAT?"
>"That my dear, is an old zebra fetish used to ward off evil--"
>"AND THAT?"
>"I uhh, that is an enchanted horseshoe that will grant you five wish--"
>"WHATS THAT?!"
>"That is my lunch"
>"OOooOOOooh! I'll take it!"
>The pony sighs
>Shake your head and nudge Pinkie out the way
>Pull some apples out of your pocket that you managed to grab before you got dragged away
>He looks up at you, a small thankful look causes you to smile back
"She won't shut up until she gets what she wants, so you might as well take these."
>He seems touched by your generosity
>"Thank you, my friend. Might I ask what you are? In all my long years I have not seen a creature such as yourself..."
>You and the old pony make conversation as Pinkie Pie pokes around his shop some more
>"Yes, yes. I've been on the road for quite some time! Collecting old items of interest and rare baubles to sell."
"It sounds like quite a remarkable life!"
>He nods, a distant look on his face
>"That it is... That it is..."
>His eyes focus again and he looks to the side
>Pinkie Pie is digging through a chest and throwing little trinkets over her shoulders in search of "FUN"
>He beckons you to come closer
>Lean forwards
>"I don't just collect, though. I also protect things."
>You raise an eyebrow
"Such as--"
>"OOOOOH! ANON! Look at this!"
>You look towards the hyperactive bundle of joy and see her pressing her ear against an old, ornate looking chest. A look of intense concentration catches you off guard
"You alright, Pinks?"
>"Get away from there!"
>The old pony hurries over to Pinkie and shoos her away from the chest
>She bounces back, waving her rear in the air like a playful cat
>He grumbles and pulls out a water sprayer
>"Back! Go on!"
>He squirts her in the eyes
>She turns full drama-queen and flails around, cursing water and life before falling backwards and laughing how only she can laugh
>Walk over and assist the pony in moving the chest back into his wagon
>"I don't even know how she got it out..."
"Don't question it. Might I ask what's in it?"
>He fixes you with a scutinous gaze for a moment, as if judging you
>Finally he regains his familiar lopsided smile
>"Yes... I think I can trust you"
>He gives the chest one final shove further into his wagon
>To your surprise, the chest rattles
>"Heh heh heh..."
"Woah, you're not keeping animals in there, are you? That's not funny."
>"Oh no, the thing inside there is no animal. No dog or cat or anything like that."
>He looks over his shoulder
>As do you
>Pinkie is too busy playing around with the Zebra fetish
>He nudges you
>"Watch this"
>He scoops up some dirt from the floor with a hoof and takes a deep breath
>Faster than you thought possible, his unlocks the catch at the front
>The lid cracks open just wide enough for the pony to hurl the dirt in then slam it shut again before locking it
>You take a step back as the chest shudders violently, then settles
>The pony licks his lips
>"Alright, now watch this. You'll love it!"
>He undoes the catch again
>Reaches inside
>And pulls out...
"Oh my god."
>A solid block of gold rests in the pony's hoof
"How is that even... You tricked me, didn't you? This is where you keep your money."
>He smiles and gives it to you
>You feel the weight of the gold in your hand
>Rotate it, probing it with your fingers
>"You can keep it, you know."
>Glance back up
>"Consider it payment for the apples."
>The pony pops open a small watch that he had dangling from his neck by a thin chain
>"It is time I was going. I'm rather unnerved by your pink friend..."
>You both look over and watch Pinkie juggle a few rare and priceless artifacts
"You and me both. Where will you go next?"
>"Ohh, I don't know... Maybe south. I feel like getting some sun"
>He gives you a tired smile, the bags under his eyes now apparent
>Chuckle
"You sure could use some. You look tired, man."
>"Yes... I feel tired. Looking after this thing really takes it out of me sometimes."
>He pats the chest. That shakes in response
"You never said, what's in it, anyway? Wild magic that can transmute stuff?"
>The pony laughs, followed by a rough sounding cough
>"Oh no no no. It's a living creature."
>Raise an eyebrow
"I thought you said it wasn't an animal"
>"Believe me... Anon, was it?"
>Nod
>"Believe me. If you saw what was in there. You would want it contained as well."
>Shift uneasily
"How long have you guarded it?"
>"Ever since my father died, who upheld the burden after his father died, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his fa--"
"I get it."
>"Ahem, yes, quite. But it's the only one of its kind, you know. Most ponies doubt it even exists"
>He coughs again
>"Ahh, but I am rambling again. I must make haste. I should like to reach Hoofington before dusk."
>He walks around to the front of the cart and pushes a button
>The store packs itself up
"How the..."
>The old pony laughs heartily
>"You'd be amazed by what a large amount of uhh, 'legitimate gold' will buy you."
>He fastens himself up at the front of the wagon and begins to pull it
>Call after him
"Will you be alright?"
>He shouts back over his shoulder as he pulls away
>"Magic, dear Anon! It's light as a feather!"
>Fucking magic. 
>It's so much bullshit.
>Watch him go
>...
"HEY WAIT! IS THIS GOLD EVEN REAL?!"
>You can just make out his voice
>"Of course it is! The methods by which you obtained it are not!"
>Well that's okay then.
>You pocket the fist-sized hunk of gold and pat it through the fabric of your jacket
>Turn to head back to town
>Nearly trip over Pinkie Pie
>"Hi!"
"Where the hell did you even get to?"
>"I was hiding that old pony's stuff all over town in case of emergencies!"
"God dammit."
>You head back to your stall and decide to call it a day on the grounds that "holy shit look at all the gold you have"
>This stuff could easily buy you a holiday
>Gems around here are commonplace, and bits even more-so. But actual pure ore is incredibly rare. The stuff in your pocket is worth a fortune
>You chuckle as you head towards Rarity's shop
>Something tells you she might want it.

>"B-b-but HOW?! WHERE! HOW DID YOU FIND THIS?!"
"Oh, you know. Just lying around."
>"Whaaaaa..."
>Rarity is at a loss for words
>You were right. She DID want it.
>Turns out the gold is the purest she's ever seen.
>She gulps, her eyes glued to the huge chunk of gold in your outstretched palm
>"I... How much do you want, Anon?"
"How much are you willing to pay?"
>"Five hundred bits."
>HOLY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
>OKAY, ANON. PLAY IT COOL.
"Hmm... A f-fairly good offer... But how much are you willing to go up to?"
>Rarity tears her gaze from the gold and looks right into your eyes
>"Anon. I will perform acts of unimaginable sexual depravity on you and give you half of my life savings if you give me that gold."
>...
"C-can't I just have one thousand bits?"
>"Done."
>ANON YOU'RE A FUCKING MASTERMIND
>You stand in stunned silence as Rarity takes the gold from you and squeals like a school girl before half-running towards her bedroom
>Rarity was prepared to screw you for the gold
>You take note of 'tha ass on dat ho' as she runs away from you
>Damn, you're smooth
>She returns shortly with a huge sack of coins
>"There you go, Anonymous. A pleasure doing business with you!"
"I'm surprised you even had that much money."
>"Anonymous, I'm the biggest fashion designer in Equestria right now, and I make dresses for ponies like Sapphire Shores."
>She winks at you
>"Money isn't much of an issue for me anymore."
>You turn to leave
>Before you reach the door you hear her again
>"Oh, and Anonymous?"
>Pause to let her finish
>"I would have paid five thousand."
>YOU GOT OUT-JEW'D BY A HORSE
>ANON YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON

>Feel the weight of the coinage on your way home
>This will easily pay for a few months off work
>'It could have been a few years'
>Shut up, brain.
>Reach your home and unlock the front door, taking no mind of the small mole-hill next to your feet
>Toss the bag of coins on the table
>Take off your jacket and stretch, loosening your tie while you do so
>Who wears a suit to sell apples, anyway?
>Walk toward your lounge and settle down on the sofa with a pony magazine
>"How to train your stallion - Bondage technique and domination strategies"
>It's Fluttershy's, you swear
>Flip over a page and scan the 'milking' section absent-mindedly
>The silence of the house is the perfect reading atmosphere, and you sigh in content
>Turn to page 7 to see how the tie up even the most burly of males
>Why you're still even reading is troubling to say the least
>You blame boredo--
>...
>Sit up, ears strained
>Was that...?
>Listening intently, you make out the sounds of shuffling
>Groan
>Fluttershy got in again
>You get up off the sofa, casting aside your magazine and heading towards your bedroom
>Nudge open the door, ready to open a can of whoop ass
>To your surprise, there's nothing there.
>Your bedroom is empty
>Scratch your head, confused
>You hear the sound of boxes falling over
>Roll your eyes
>The basement, of course
>Trudge over to the the door leading down into your rarely used basement and grab a torch on the way there
>Push open the door and plod down the wooden steps
>You could be reading about bondage right now
"Alright, you insufferable pegasus. I know you're down here. Where are you?"
>Survey the room with your torch, the beam of light illuminating the various boxes and objects you had haphazardly thrown down here during your life in Equestria
>Hear more shuffling
>Turn your light on the top-most box above a pile
"Why are you hiding in a box?"
>The box stops moving
>And instead topples forwards
>Polystyrene stuffing goes everywhere
>Keep your light trained on the white mound
"...Fluttershy? Did you drink a shrinking potion? I told you to stay away from that shit after you got stuck in my drainpipe."
>'Fluttershy' shakes herself and scatters her cover
>You make a concious effort not to drop the torch
>What sits among a pile of packaging sits a very unhappy looking creature
>You mouth the words "what the hell" and crouch down
>The creature looks at you, its head lopsided and large black eyes curiously studying you
>If you had to describe it, you'd say that it looks like a very small wooly mammoth.
>Curly brown fur clings to every part of its body, as well as the little trunk protruding off its face
>Said trunk is poking around and picking up polystyrene
>The creature carefully places a piece of the white foam in it's mouth, chews for a second, then spits it out and blares a trumpet-like sound from its trunk in frustration
>Little ivory horns poke out from its skull, and its hooves are tipped with small rounded claws
>That appear to be covered in... Mud.
>You raise your torch above the creature and look at the area behind the box it fell out of
>A large hole seems to be been tunnelled into the side of your wall
>You let out a short quiet laugh then turn your torch back on the creature
>It's stood up now, and is trying to be sneaky by hiding behind a small pile of foam
>You offer a hand towards it
>The creature tentatively reaches towards you with its trunk
>Your index finger brushes the tip of it, causing the fluffball to recoil
>It takes a deep breath
>Sneezes
>And turns a nearby piece of polystyrene into diamonds
>Your jaw drops
>Slowly, you alternate between gaping at the creature, now looking much happier with itself, and the small pile of perfectly cut diamonds on your basement floor
"Hoe-lee shit."
>"BRRRRRRRRPP!"
>The creature starts running around you, tooting its own horn merrily
>It trips up, tumbles to the floor, and smacks its face against the stone
>You wince as you hear a crack
"Woah! Are you okay?"
>Pick it up, hoping that the little mammoth is unharmed
>It looks back at you, a huge dopey grin on its face
>Glance at the area where it tripped
>The point where its face hit the floor is now cracked and broken
"Tough little bastard, aren't you?"
>"BRRP!"
>Its trumpet noises make you giggle
"Did you come from the old pony's chest? How did you get out?"
>The thing shrugs
>It literally shrugs, complete with little head shake as if to say 'hell if I know'
>Stand up, shining your torch down on your new discovery
"Well, guess I'd better take you to Flu-"
>...
"Acutally, no. Let's -not- take you to Fluttershy. She'll pussify you and make you all gooey"
>The creature 'BRRRPS' in response
"Stick with me, little buddy. I'll keep you safe. But first we need to name you..."

>You sit at your kitchen table, staring at the the little bundle of fluff perched on it
>It's cleaning itself with its trunk
"How about Rudolph?"
>"Brrp."
>It shakes its head
"Uhh, Sandy?"
>"BRRRRP"
"Okay! Okay!... What gender are you anyway?"
>You reach over and pull up its leg, looking at where its dong should be
>Nothing there
"Alright then, so you're a girl. Fair enough. Are you sure you don't like Sandy?"
>"BRP."
>She turns your salt and pepper shakers into rare geodes
>So now you have a pile of diamonds in your basement, and some unidentifiable rocks on your table. Wonderful.
"I'd appreciate it if you stopped trying to make me rich."
>She starts panting like a dog
>Dog...
"Wait, what do you eat? I don't recall the old guy telling me what you eat. Or even how old you are."
>She shrugs again
>A knock on your door interrupts you
>"A-anon? Are you in there? I have s-something for you"
>Shit. Of all the times she could have picked
"We can't let her see you little buddy, hide under the sink!"
>The mammoth shakes her head
>And instead atomises herself
>Blink a few times
"Wow. It's a miracle you didn't break out sooner."
>More knocks
"Alright, alright! I'm coming. Fuck."
>March towards your door and throw it open
>A large black hairy fist sends you hurtling back into your kitchen
>Slam into your kitchen table, shattering it
>You carry on skidding along your floor until you come to a stop at a wall
"Uuugh..."
>"W-was that too hard? I just wanted to know if gorillas were you fetish!"
>Groggily look up
>An absolutely massive ape glares down at you
>He's easily twice your size
"Whu... Why don't you go for -his- hot m-monkey dick..."
>Fluttershy shakes her head
>"Oh no! I couldn't do that. Mister Bananas here is gay!"
>A gay gorilla. 
>Oh fuck.
"Well... So am I then."
>"Don't be silly, Anon. Humans can't be gay!"
>Dis mare.
>Your dazed state did make you say something dumb though, because now the gorilla is getting excited
>"What's that, Mister Bananas?"
>"OO OO OOOOO"
>"W-well okay... But leave some for me, silly!"
"No no NO!"
>"Don't be mean, Anon. Just let him have his fun."
"FUCK NO!"
>The gorilla's dick starts poking out at you
>It will easily tear you in two
>He hungrily licks his lips and "ooos" a few more times before stomping towards you
>A huge meaty hand reaches towards you
>This is gonna get messy
>You shake your head and get ready to fight this oversized American tooth and nail
>Just then, though, you notice the gorilla's hand
>And so does he
>You both watch in horror as the end of the gorillas hand just starts to... Dissipate
>Like sand in the wind, the ape's hand, then arm, then entire body just blows away on some unforeseen cosmic wind, leaving absolutely nothing behind
>"M-Mister Bananas?! What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"
>"W-where... B-but..."
>Fluttershy starts hyperventilating
>You notice the cupboard door under the sink open a crack
>A small furry face stares out at you, illuminated by its trunk, which is glowing a rich golden colour
>Shake your head frantically
>Fluttershy breaks down and starts sobbing
>She hurls herself into your arms and begins covering your shirt and tie in drool, tears and mucus
>"H-HE WAS ONLY SIX DAYS FROM APE RETIREMENT!"
"There there, Fluttershy... There there... There's no such thing as ape retirement..."
>This only makes her cry harder
>"I-I-I just don't understand!"
"Maybe he just went back to his home planet."
>"Y-you think so?"
"Uhh. Yeah, sure."
>She sniffs
>"Th-thanks, Anon... You always know how to make me feel better.
>...
"..."
>"S-so can we have sex now?"

>"EEK!"
"AND DON'T COME BACK! AGAIN!"
>Slam the door
>Run back into your kitchen, disregarding the now completely fixed table
>Tear open the cupboard doors and flinch as the creature jumps out and starts blaring its trunk again
>"BRRP! BRRRRP! BRRRRRRRRP!"
"I get it, I get it. Listen, that was you, just then?"
>She nods happily
>You take a deep breath
"Hoooo shit..."
>Wipe your forehead and kneel down in front of her
"Listen, you can't go around doing that shit, alright? You can't just... Make things disintegrate."
>She cocks her head and 'BRRP's
"I know, it's the easier route to all of life's problems, hell, I wish I could do half the shit you can. But you can't do that to ponies, alright?"
>The creature is silent
"Am I understood?"
>She huffs and looks away
"Good girl."
"Now, we're going to go and see my friend, Twilight Sparkle. She's smart and might know what you are. But the only reason I'm going to her is because Fluttershy is a faggot and I don't want you becoming another one of her animal slaves. But if you do so much as turn someone into solid gold, I'll drag you over to her and you can deal with whatever happens, okay?"
>"Brrrp."
"Good. Now uhh, get inside my jacket, I'll hide you from the public--"
>She explodes into light and vanishes
"...Eye. Ugh... What now?"
>"BRP!"
"Woah shit!... Invisibility. Okay. I can deal with that."

>Exit your house and begin walking towards Twilight's place
>You pray that the little bugger stays close to you
>Just to make sure, you call out in a small voice so as not to draw attention to yourself
"Y-you still there?"
>"BRRP!"
>That was right next to your ear
>Fffffuck it hurt.
>A flash of light reveals the mammoth before your face
>It's grown bat wings
>What the fuck.
>Though it looks quite funny. It's legs just sort of dangle there while the leathery wings flap as fast as they can to keep it afloat
>Before you can ask her what she's doing, she disappears again in yet another burst of light
>You feel her nudge the side of your face as she no doubt starts circling your head
>Walking into town puts you on edge, even though you know that no one can see you
>The creature occasionally bangs into your head to let you know that she's still there, but other than that the walk is uneventful
>You reach the tree house and knock on the door, nervously looking around
>Spike answers it
>"Heya, Anon! How's it hanging?"
"Not... Bad, did you just say 'how's it hanging'?"
>"Yeah?"
"Well don't say it again. It's so nineteen nineties"
>"What?"
"Nothing. Where's Twilight?
>"She's just upstairs reading. As usual. Want me to go and get her?"
"No no, it's fine. I'll just go on up myself."
>"Okay, bro. See you around!"
>He goes to waddle past you
"Where are you off to?"
>"I'm going to Rarity's! She says she has a special treat for me."
>He scampers between your legs and off towards Rarity's shop.
>You shake your head and walk through the door, shutting it behind you
>"BRRP!"
"Whoops"
>You reopen and wait for a second, then close it again
>"Brp."
"Alright."
>Head towards the stairs
>Reach Twilight's bedroom door
"Twilight? It's me, Anon!"
>Push it open
>Hear a mad scramble as Twilight gets out of bed and untangles herself from the covers. Her mane is a mess
>"I uhh, I was reading!"
"Okay then, listen. I need your help"
>"Oooh! Is it with a book?"
"No."
>She trots over to you
>"Did the princess write to you again?"
"No, I blacklisted her after last time."
>"Then what?"
>You inhale then exhale deeply
"Little buddy? You can come out now"
>Your airborne friend materialises itself next to your head and hovers down to Twilight's level
>Twilight is amazed
>"Oh my goodness! Anon, what IS this thing?"
"I have no idea. I was hoping you could help me."
>"Wouldn't Fluttersh--"
"No."
>"O-oh, alright then."
>She pokes it with a hoof
>It "Brrps" in response
>She pokes it again
>Another, more annoyed "Brrp"
"I really wouldn't do that if I was you, Twilight"
>"Nonsense, Anon! This is the scientific method!"
"What, poking?"
>"Of course!"
>She pokes it one more time
>The creature lets out an aggravated "BRRRRP" and turns a nearby pile of books into rubies
>"GAAAAH!"
>You just smack your lips
>Hyper-advanced transmutation of any substance into gems is old news to you
>Twilight stammers
>"A-are those real?"
"Rarity sure thought so."
>"You've showed it to Rarity?"
"No. I sold a piece of dirt-turned-gold to her for like, a thousand bits."
>Twilight cautiously approaches the bat/mammoth again
>It menacingly floats there looking dopey
>Terrifying
>"Where did you find it?"
"I didn't. It found me. Also there was an old pony keeping it captive in a chest, I think it broke free."
>"I can see why he had it locked up! This creature could break the economy!"
"It can do more than that, Twilight. It evaporated an entire gorilla an while ago."
>She blinks a few times
>"O... Kay then. Uhh, I'll go and get some books on mystical creatures"
>She runs out the room
>Look over at the rubies
"Those are some damn fine rubies, friendo."
>"Brrp."
"...So have you thought of a name for yourself yet?"
>"Brrp."
"That's a terrible name. And does it smell like something funny in here?"
>"Brrp."
"Yeah, thought so too."
>Twilight comes cantering up the stairs books in tow
>In fact, half the library, by the looks of it
>"Found them! Lets get to work!"
>When faced with all this reading, you kinda miss your questionable bondage magazine that is totally Fluttershy's.
>"Found anything yet?"
"Nnnnope. You?"
>Twilight sighs
>"No, nothing in -this- one either!"
>She throws another book onto the pile that has nothing
>"Oh! This one is sure to have something!"
>You look over at her
"'Hemet Neighsingway's big book of beasties'. Seriously?"
>She nods excitedly
>"He was a big time explorer! He must have come across our friend here at least once!"
>You leave her to it and instead turn your attention to your own book
>'Bedtime foal stories'
>A simple little book adorned with a picture of a happy dragon on the front
>You open it and start reading, skimming the pages for any references
>"Huh, nothing there... But he DID find a race of giant spiders living in the Zebrican forests..."
>Your own book shows nothing cool like that
>Finish the poem about a foal that was convinced that his toys were out to get him and move onto the next story
>'The Ufflesnout'
>"Wow! Hey, Anon! Hemet once killed a dragon with his bare hooves!"
"Uh huh..."
>You aren't paying attention, you're staring at the picture next to the title of the story
>"Oh, wait, that's a smudge. He actually killed a turtle."
>You tune her out and proceed to read the story to yourself
>'Once upon a time, there was a poor stallion named Raggy Sack'
>'Raggy Sack was very poor. But he was also in love with the beautiful duke's daughter, Gentle Glass'
>'Gentle Glass was a careful pony who loved emeralds and rubies and diamonds and more!'
>'But Raggy Sack had none to present her with, and so his heart remained empty and wracked in sorrow'
>'Until one day, the duke announced that whomsoever could find the largest gem could take his daughter's hoof in marriage!'
>'Raggy Sack was hopeful, but remembered that he had none to present her with, and so his heart remained empty and wracked in sorrow'
>'The weeks went by and many other stallions tried their hoof to claim the duke's daughter, but none brought gems large enough to please the duke.'
>'Raggy Sack was hopeful, but remembered that he had none to present her with either, and so his heart remained empty and wracked in sorrow'
>'One day, Raggy Sack was out searching for gems, when he came upon a curious creature covered in crystals'
>'When he got a closer look, he saw that it was an Ufflesnout!'
>'Raggy Sack told the Ufflesnout of his desire for Gentle Glass. And the Ufflesnout was kind.'
>'With a bang and a flash and a great big splash, the Ufflesnout turned a nearby rock resting in water into a huge emerald!'
>'Raggy Sack took the emerald and ran as fast as his hooves could take him to the duke's manor'
>'And there, he presented him with the emerald, to which the duke happily gave Raggy Sack his daughter's hoof in marriage'
>'When Raggy Sack returned from his wedding, he went to find the Ufflesnout to thank it, but it was not there, and had disappeared'
>'Raggy Sack was sad. But he was also thankful'
>'Because his heart was now full and wracked in love'
>'The End'
>You stare at the crude drawing at the bottom of the page
>A small, brown, four-legged creature with a big trunk is shown snuggled up to a huge emerald
>You slowly look up
>Twilight is nose-deep in Hemet's adventures
"Twilight?"
>"Not now, Anon. Did you know that Hemet lived to be 289?"
"Twi."
>"Oh, sorry, that's another smudge. He died at 28 from a boating accident--"
"TWILIGHT!"
>"Gah! Sorry! Yes?"
"I've uhh, found it."
>Twilight gasps and tears the book from your grasp with magic
>She skim reads the story
>"Well... It certainly adds up. Even if the story is a bit... Foalish"
>She puts the book down
>"At least we have a reference now, though.
>She glances at the Ufflesnout, now sniffing around the pile of books yet to be read
>Twilight snorts
>"Heh, 'Ufflesnout'. Isn't it a silly name?"
>The Ufflesnout nearby huffs angrily and turns the book in Twilight's magical aura into a piece of quartz
>"BRRP!"
>"Hehe, uhh, sorry..."
>Twilight stands up and walks over to the pile
>"Gotta be around here somewhere... Ah!"
>She picks out a large tome and starts flicking through it
>"I was skeptical it would be in here, but I'm beginning to piece everything together now..."
>You join her and read over her shoulder
"Folklore, Twilight?"
>"Yes, I was sure that I've heard the name Ufflesnout before, and now I'm certain!"
>She points at the top of a page
>"There we are. The mystery of the Ufflesnout"
>Clearing her throat, the unicorn begins to read

>"Though almost woefully deprived of evidence of its existence, many rural towns in Equestria cling to the belief of a creature that can turn stone into gold and outmatch a unicorn in magical talent. The Ufflesnout is a creature who is said to owe its existence to Discord."
>She raises an eyebrow
>"That'll explain a lot"
"Go on?"
>"During the age of Discord, many animals and plants were warped by the chaotic magics that plagued the land, and though the royal sisters made sure to destroy any remnants of that dark age, the Ufflesnout is believed to have survived purely by hiding under rocks and in caves, rather than creating traceable magic fields that the sisters could track down."
>Twilight chuckles
>"That's kinda cute when you think about it"
"I watched this thing obliterate something twice the size of me, Twilight."
>"Aheh, uhh... Yeah... Despite tales of the creature fading over time, there are still some that are adamant to admit that the creature is gone. Such stories of the creature range from hilarious to sinister."
>The Ufflesnout sneezes and transforms Hemet's book into mercury
>"Said to never age, never eat, never sleep and never tire, the Ufflesnout is easily the most blatantly overexaggerated character in all of pony mythology. Though the royal sisters have said again and again that no such creature ever existed, tales about the creature still manage to survive purely through rumour."
>"Historians and Arcane Scholars all agree that the Ufflesnout is a lie invented to challenge the power of the royals, almost as a parody of any sort of threat by taking the most ridiculous aspects of any creature in Equestria and merging them into one fantastical monster."
>Twilight puts the book down
>You both stare at the most powerful form of wildlife in Equestria as it tries to eat "A guide to supernatural spirits"
>It doesn't like it. So instead the book becomes a large chunk of opal, and the Ufflesnout moves on
>"Well... Uhh. I suppose we should probably call Celestia"
"Woah woah woah!"
>Move in front of Twilight
"Is that... Really necessary? I mean, it's harmless! Look at it!"
>Glancing around, you watch as the Ufflesnout phase shifts from the floor to the top of a pile of books before jumping off, cracking the floorboards on impact, and phasing to the top of the pile again.
>She blares her trunk happily
>"Anon, you read what the book said--"
"The book was going off rumours. All this thing can do is turn stuff into gems. Big deal"
>"Didn't you say it killed a full grown gorilla?"
"Well to be fair, the gorilla was trying to rape me, and the little thing was protecting me"
>"It's clearly dangerous, Anon! Can you imagine what would happen if it was allowed to keep living?!"
"And what are you going to do, Twilight. Just call in Celestia and watch her destroy the poor thing? That's horrible! I thought you would help me hide it, not call in the princess to blow it up!"
>"Anon, you're being unreasonable! How can you even say you can hide it?"
"It can turn invisible! And also, it's a she."
>Twilight huffs and pushes the Ufflesnout onto its back
>She flails her legs around in the air and squeals
>Twilight lets her back up
>"Genderless."
"What?"
>"The Ufflesnout is genderless. Kinda expected really. It was created by Discord"
"...She didn't ask to be created..."
>"Anon, look. The creature in this room was willed into existence by a god. And it lived in a time when chaos was all around it. Do you really think it belongs here?"
"Maybe I -should- have taken it to Fluttershy. At least she looks after animals and doesn't condemn them"
>"Ugh. When did you get so attached to animals?!"
"I'm not. Just this one. I like it, Twilight. It's... Different."
>"It's capable of destroying this entire town, Anon."
"So? I am as well."
>Twilight snickers
>"Okay, Anon. Whatever you say."
>Fucking horses.
"I'm not giving you my chaos beast"
>"YOUR chaos beast? Anon, that Ufflesnout belongs to no one, and I will NOT let you leave with it in tow!"
"It's survived all this time!"
>"It was locked in a box! Most likely covered in magical enchantments!"
"Why not imprison it again?"
>"Now who's being unethical?!"
>"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!"
>You both flinch and look down at the Ufflesnout
>It glares at the two of you and clears its throat
>"BBrrp. Brrrp BRRRRp Brprbp brp. Brp? BRRRRP! BRRRP Brrp brrp brpbrpbrp Brp Brp. BRP. Brrrp brp brrRRPpp Brp BRrrPr Brp BRRP BRPBR brp... Brp."
>...
"Do you know what it said?"
>"No idea"
>The Ufflesnout lets out a long drawn out "brrrrrrrrrrrp"
>Stands up straight
>Nods at you
>Then explodes
"WOAH!"
>"AAAH!"
"I'VE GOT UFFLESNOUT IN MY MOUTH!"
>"IT'S IN MY HAIR!"
"OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!"
>"THIS IS HORRIBLE!"

>15 minutes and a big clean-up later, you and Twilight sit on her bed, looking at the black burn mark where the Ufflesnout once stood
>"So... It blew itself up."
"Yup."
>"I for one wasn't expecting that."
"Me neither"
>"...I'm sorry for threatening to call the princess to incinerate your pet, Anonymous."
"I'm sorry for harbouring a being forged in chaos capable of annihilating anything it chooses, Twilight."
>She hugs your waist
>"Friends?"
"Friends."

"Man, what IS that smell?"
>Twilight blushes heavily.

>

>

>

>Meanwhile, on a tropical island in the middle of the Herduda Triangle located at the centre of the Grand Ocean
>The sand whips up as a small furry animal blasts into existence, creating a small crater on the beach
>It coughs and looks around at the palm trees, then at the surrounding ocean
>It sighs
>Sneezes
>Turns a nearby crab into a framed picture of one
>And waddles into the jungle in search of something to chew on.

The End