Originally uploaded to Pastebin: August 2nd, 2013
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>Dump your binbag full of rubbish into the rubbish bin next to your house.
>Dust your hands off and sigh, taking a moment to enjoy the heat on your face.
>Equestria is warm as hell on the best of days.
>Hear a distant voice on the winds.
>Strain your ears to try and pick it up further.
>Notice that your hands are beginning to prickle.
>...
"Oh no."
>Fear fills you.
>Spin around.
>The voice on the winds is much louder now.
>"Aaaaaaanoooon!"
"No. Not again. NOT AGAIN!"
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"
>Twilight Sparkle, alicorn princess and heir to nobody's throne slams into you.
"I JUST WANT ONE FUCKING DAY ALONE!"
>"ANON THERE'S TROUBLE AND WE NEED YOUR HELP!"
"WHY?!"
>She slaps you with a hoof, grips the front of your shirt with magic and violently shakes you back and forth.
>"BEcAUSE THE VOICES DEMAND IT!"
"I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH."

>You are Anon.
>Involuntary adventurer.
>"Alright, Anon. Here's the deal."
>You're tied to a chair in Twilight's basement.
>She turns around in a high back office chair and places her elbows on the desk, bringing her hooves together.
>"We need your help."
"Why have you made your basement an office?"
>"There's trouble brewing. And because I'm now a princess, I need you to do my dirty work for me."
"Have you seriously got a plaque that says 'Da Boss'?"
>"Fluttershy has told me that there's been suspicious activity near the Everfree Forest. And I'd like you to investigate."
"I thought you said you needed my help. Not my eyes."
>"Technically, using your eyes -would- be helping"
>She grins.
>You glower.
"No deal. I have better things to do."
>"No you don't."
"And who are you to say that?"
>Twilight pulls out a small brown-backed book and slides it across the desk towards you.
>It's your planner.
>Stare at it, slowly raising your eyes to look at Twilight.
>She gives you a toothy smile and unbinds you with magic.
>Tentatively open it to today's date.
>Start flicking through every page, increasing the pace with each page turned.
>Every single page has "HELP OUT TWILIGHT" written in red ink.
>The very last page reads "Pick up milk".
"DAMMIT, TWILIGHT. I DON'T EVEN DRINK MILK!"
>"IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR BONES! But that's not the point. You're not too busy, and books don't lie."
"How are -you- a princess?"
>She sticks her tongue out.
>Twilight stands up and walks over to a fireplace.
>That she's inexplicably built in her basement, even though she has a perfectly good one upstairs.
>She strikes a pose and gives you a questioning look.
>"So. You'll do as I ask, yes?"
>Realise that she's stood in front of a massive painted portrait of her stood in the exact same place striking the same pose, complete with Dreamworks smile.
"Help you, investigate the forest, then what?"
>"Well, if you survive, you can go home."
"Sweet."
>Doesn't sound so bad.
"So where abouts was this strange sighting?"
>"O-oh, Anon! Thank goodness you came! I was worried you might, um, not come... B-but if you still want to come, I'm ready and waiting..."
>Fluttershy blushes.
>Don't answer her.
>"S-so what do you think?"
>Don't answer her.
>"Can you help me?"
>Don't answer her.
>"I'm worried it might hurt somep0ny..."
>The massive black and green vortex hovering slightly above ground uproots a nearby tree and drags in into the swirling abyss.
>"It looks sort of dangerous."
>The pebbles near your feet begin shuffling towards the void.
"This uh..."
>A rabbit gets sucked in.
"This might be out of my area of expertise."
>A loud purple bang scares the shit out of you.
>"Ah! Anon. There you are"
"What the fuck, Twilight?!"
>"I know! I was rooting through your drawers and found this!"
>She holds up a long dead mobile phone that came with you.
>"Is it some kind of human pleasure device?"
"TWILIGHT."
>Point at what you're now sure is some kind of black hole.
"WHAT. THE FUCK. IS THIS?"
>She scrunches her face up and scrutinises the vortex, ignoring an otter that nearly hits her head as it flies past and into it.
>Just then a lightbulb appears over her head.
>That gets dragged in as well.
>"Ah ha! So -that's- where I put it!"
"You... MADE this?"
>"Of course! I was trying to make soup."
>She laughs.
>"Pretty crazy, huh?"
"Twilight are you insane?"
>She grabs your face with magic and drags you down so that your nose is touching hers.
>"LOOK INTO MY EYES, ANON. GAZE INTO MY EYES JUST AS I GAZED INTO THE HEART OF MADNESS AND EMBRACED INSANITY. GONE IS THE MARE YOU ONCE KNEW. THERE IS ONLY ENTROPY IN HER PLACE."
"Being a princess must really suck"
>"I'm amazed I haven't killed myself yet!"
>She laughs again.
>"Oooh... I'm hilarious. I should write that one down!"
>And she does.
>The paper and quill then get wrenched from her grasp and into the vortex.
>"Woah! When did that portal to Changeling territory get there?!"
"What."
>She strolls over to the vortex, seemingly unphased by the sheer gravitational pull its emitting, and starts prodding it with a stick.
>When the stick gets pulled in and disappears, Twilight gasps.
>"Fascinating!"
>She returns to your side.
>"Okay, Anon! I have a job for you!"
"Don't say it."
>"I want you."
"DON'T."
>"To jump into the portal. And return to me your findings."
"...WHY."
>"I dunno. For kicks!"
>She picks you up with magic and hurls you into the void.
>Unspeakable images flash before your eyes as you traverse the planes between this world and the next.
>This must be why vortex travel is actually illegal in Equestria.
>When you emerge from the other side, you land on an uprooted tree, a quill, some paper, and two dead furry animals, as well as a shit load of soil and grass.
>Blink a few times to make sure you're not actually dead.
>A sudden blow to the head confirms your lack of mortality.
>Clutch your head and groan.
>Rub it and see what hit you.
>Fluttershy is wrapped around the tree.
"Whaa..."
>Look up at the vortex.
>Twilight's head pokes out.
>"HELLO AGAIN! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!"
"Yes..."
>"GOOD! IT'S QUITE LOUD IN HERE!"
>Another bout of laughter.
>"LISTEN! THIS IS YOUR MISSION. TO INVESTIGATE THE CHANGELINGS! THEN WRITE A FRIENDSHIP REPORT! THEN I WON'T WRITE BACK FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AND LEAVE YOU IN THE DARK!"
>Her eye twitches violently.
>"JUST LIKE WHEN CELESTIA WAS MY MENTOR! NOW I'M JUST LIKE HER! SEE! I CAN BE A PRINCESS TOO! I CAN ORDER PEOPLE ABOUT!"
>She explodes into laughter.
>"OKAY! I'M GONNA GO NOW! BYE ANON! GOOD LUCK!"
"WHY THE FUCK IS FLUTTERSHY HERE?"
>"SHE JUMPED IN AFTER YOU IN AN ACT OF UNWAVERING LOVE AND CONCERN FOR YOUR WELLBEING!"
"Really?"
>"NO! I THREW HER IN!"
>The princess guffaws a final time before charging up her horn.
>"CHEERIO!"
>And with that, the vortex sucks itself inwards, leaving the air where it was still again.
>Sit on the fallen tree, your head resting on the palm of your hand, a bored look on your face.
>All around you is absolutely nothing.
>Wasteland as far as you can see.
>Sigh and slide off the tree.
>Walk around and poke Fluttershy's face.
"Get up. Your idiot friend has stranded us."
>She groans.
>"B-but we haven't seen Rainbow Dash all day..."
"Your other idiot friend, moron."
>"Applejack?"
>Pinch the bridge of your nose.
"Right. Fuck this."
>Start walking in a random direction.
>A scroll materialises before your very eyes.
>Grasp it before it can fall to the floor.
>Unfurl it.
>'Wrong way.'
"Seriously?"
>Raise your fists to the heavens
"GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE, YOU BELLEND!"
>Another scroll appears in a sunbeam, accompanied by what you swear is the singing of angels.
>Grab and open it.
>'No.'
>Crush it in your grip and grind your teeth together.
>Start stomping in the other direction, past a now fully awake Fluttershy, who is sat on the log watching you storm around.
>"Can I help?"
"NO."
>"Want a back rub?"
"NO!"
>"Okay..."
>Fluttershy starts flying after you.
>"C-can't we just wait for help?"
"What help is going to find us out here, Fluttershy?"
>"Twilight might save us..."
"And why, pray tell, would she do that?"
>"She might have had a change of heart and realise that she cares about our safety?"
>A scroll lands in her mane, already unfurled.
>'HA!'
"No, something tells me that Twilight went off in the deep end long ago."
>"But why?"
"Being a princess must not have worked out for her. Must have broken her mind with stress or whatever."
>"Would you like to be a princess, Anon?"
"Hell no. Princesses are gay."
>"I'd like to be a princess..."
>Stop .
>Turn to her, a deadpan look on your face.
"Why."
>She blushes.
>"Well... Every princess needs a prince..."
>She hides behind her mane and bites her lip.
"Of all the ponies to be stuck with..."
>"Sorry, Anon..."
>She's quiet for a moment.
>"...But I think you'd make a really good prince..."
"Unbelievable. I'm going to leave now, Fluttershy."
>With that, you stroll off towards an imposing looking plateau.
>"W-wait! Don't leave me alone!"
>She latches onto your back as you walk.
>"You smell nice, Anon."
"Thanks. I guess."
>You lumber on, the heat steadily wearing away at your energy, assisted by the pony on your back.
>Luckily, the sun is creeping behind the plateau ahead, basking you in it's shade.
>Feel much better as the cooler air washes over you.
>Decide to take a break next to a rock, prying Fluttershy off your back and placing her on the ground.
>Slump against the rock and close your eyes.
>Fluttershy prods your leg.
>"Anon?"
"Not now, Fluttershy... I just want to rest for a moment."
>Enjoy a brief moment of respite before she pokes your leg again.
>"Anon? Are you thinking about me?"
>Reply without opening your eyes.
"Oh god you're so bad at social situations..."
>"I-I know..."
>...
>She pokes your leg.
>"Anon?"
"What."
>"C-can you open your eyes?"
"No."
>"Please?"
>Ugh
"Fine."
>Open them.
"What do y- Oh fuck my ass."
>Fluttershy, you, and the rock, are surrounded by changelings.
>They don't look very happy.
"In retrospect, I should have expected this."
>You and Fluttershy are currently suspended from a large wooden pole. Bound and upside down similar to how a cannibal tribe would carry their latest catch.
"Well this sucks."
>"SILENCE, WHELP!"
>The largest and most armoured changeling, who you assume is the captain, is leading the pack deeper into the plateau.
>Which strangely enough happens to be a fortress containing an entire changeling hive.
>You can tell because the walls are crawling with changelings, each coming out of holes in the walls and roof.
>Watch as they check up on the sickly green sacks dotted around everywhere before scuttling back into their holes.
>A couple of them stop to watch you and Fluttershy.
>Enter a large cavern at what you guess is the heart of this bastion.
>At the centre of the room, surrounded by green sacks and perched on a hastily assembled rocky throne, is a single huge changeling.
>You are carried over to her and set at her feet.
>Look up at her front your new position on the floor.
"Damn, you're ugly."
>The captain stamps on your face.
>It hurts like a bitch.
>You should have been drinking your milk.
>The bigger changeling leans down and insects your face.
>Insects? Inspects? Get it? 
>Damn, you're funny.
>She grins at you, revealing large fangs and a malicious intent.
>"Well well well. What do we have here? Some kind of exotic mercenary sent by Celestia to destroy me?"
"Not even close."
>"Then what? Speak quickly and don't waste my time."
"Aight. I'm an alien being sent here by a lunatic princess obsessed with acting more like her teacher whilst being completely unaware of the misery she causes others, she sent me and my companion here--"
>Nod at Fluttershy, who is pissing herself in fear.
"--To learn about changelings and friendship."
>The big bug blinks slowly.
>"Very, uhh, well."
>She straightens up.
>"Release them."
>The captain blurts out a response.
>"M-my queen! They might escape!"
>The queen rolls her eyes.
>"Oh shut it, Milhouse, they aren't going anywhere."
>Milhouse looks at his hooves.
>"...Okay..."
>The other guards cut your binds and step back as you stand up.
>You're taller than the queen.
>She seems unnerved by this at first. But regains her composure and begins what you can guess is a practised royal glare.
>"You are now my prisoner. You shall never leave these halls, alien. You or your com-- Wait, I'm sure I recognise that pony."
>Look over a Fluttershy, who is imitating a deer caught in headlights.
"Oh, that's Fluttershy. Element of Kindness. She's friends with Twilight Sparkle. You know her from somewhere?"
>The queen narrows her eyes.

>"ANON! HEEEELP!"
>Watch with a bemused expression as Fluttershy runs around a pit as a large changeling who looks as though she was force-fed steroids chases her around.
>Reminds you of the Rancor pit.
>The queen - Chrysalis, chews on a popcorn bucket filled with grubs.
>"She's got a set of legs on her."
"Yup."
>"ANON PLEASE!"
>Fluttershy narrowly avoids a swipe from the changeling hulk.
>"Why doesn't she use her wings?"
"She's not the smartest pony in the world. You know she tries to have sex with me all the time?"
>Chrysalis raises an eyebrow.
>"No, really?"
"Oh yeah."
>"You must be flattered."
"Actually it's a massive pain in the ass."
>She laughs at that.
>The hulk manages to catch Fluttershy and pins her to the floor.
>Chrysalis finishes her grubs and sets the bucket down.
>"Alright, I think she's had enough. You can get out now, Fluttershy."
>Fluttershy lets out a sigh of relief as the hulk gets off her.
>Then flies out of the pit and sits next to you, smiling sheepishly.
"God, you're dumb."
>"Is that your fetish?"
>...

>"ANON PLEASE MAKE HER STOP!"
>Chrysalis offers you some grubs.
>"Want one?"
"Nah."
>"So after we got kicked out of Canterlot, we ended up here. Took about a year to get back on our hooves."
>The queen rubs her behind.
>"And a whole lot of labour on my part."
"Gross."
>"So. You know what Shining Armour is up to nowadays?"
>The door bursts open.
>Milhouse is panting heavily.
>"M-MY QUEEN! THE YELLOW ONE HAS ESCAPED!"
>Chrysalis stands up, anger in her eyes.
>"What?! Impossible! I left her with the hulk!"
>Milhouse gulps.
>"She befriended it and is now riding it around like some kind of steed!"
>Chrysalis smirks.
>"Kinky."
>"My queeeeeeen!"
>"Shut up, Milhouse."
>She turns to you.
>"Wait here while I sort this out."
>Shrug and watch her go.
>Being a prisoner here might not be so bad.
>All you need is some paper then you can start documenting this misadventure.
>Lie back and put your hands behind your head, resting your eyes for a moment.
>You never got the chance before, what with being captured and all.
>Just before you doze off, the wall next to you shatters as a black and yellow blur steam-rolls through it.
>Fluttershy, looking like she's spent the last through years in some form of guerilla war-zone, looks down at you from her new mount.
>"Anon! Come on! We have to get out of here!"
"Why? I kinda like it down here. It's cosy."
>Look down and see that you were lying in green goo.
"Sort of."
>Fluttershy groans.
>"Listen, mister! Get your cute little tush up here and hold me! I'm getting us out of here whether you like it or not!"
"But I haven't documented--"
>"ANON GET ON THIS CHANGELING RIGHT FREAKING NOW!"
>You get on that fucking changeling right then.
>Cling to Warmaster Fluttershy, whose heartbeat feels like a jackhammer.
>"Alright Miss Fuzzyboobles! Go!"
>The changeling turns her head to look at Fluttershy.
>"Me Susan."
>"Oh. S-sorry..."
>No one moves for a while.
>You can hear shouts coming from outside.
"You really know how to botch things up, don't ya, Shy?"
>She whimpers.
>Susan huffs and starts running towards the other wall.
>She head-butts her way through it and starts running down random corridors.
>You grip Fluttershy's waist tighter.
>She tenses up at that.
>Susan grunts.
>"Flutt-shy need bathroom me thinks."
>Fluttershy mumbles in response.
>"N-not exactly..."
>Duck your head down as another wall gets crushed under the walking muscle's warpath.
>Find yourselves right in a huge cavern.
>At one end is the mouth of the cave.
>About a hundred changeling guards stand ready in front of it.
>The one at the front steps forward.
>Milhouse.
>"STOOOOOP!"
>Susan looks back quizzically at Fluttershy.
>"What do?"
>Fluttershy taps her hooves together.
>"Umm... Ch-charge?"
>Susan shakes her head.
>"That stoopid. What ape think."
"Accelerate movements in a forward direction and maintain the highest velocity you can straight through the enemy ranks and don't stop until we've cleared the exit."
>"That smart plan. I like ape."
>She looks back at the small army before.
>"Susan hope to mate with you some day."
>Shudder.
>She grunts and takes off like a bull.
>Several changelings scatter, but Milhouse holds his ground, holding up his hoof before him.
>"I COMMAND YOU TO STOP!"
>Susan doesn't slow down.
>Before he realises his folly, he gets flattened by the hulk.
>You turn around and give him the finger while you ride the oversized changeling into the barrens.
>Chrysalis steps over the bodies of her guards and watches her newest friend leave her.
>Just like all the others.
>He didn't even get to see your rock collection.
>The changeling at your feet coughs and stands up, his legs shaking.
>"I-I tried, my queen! But they wouldn't listen!"
"Shut up, Milhouse."

>Be Twilight Sparkle.
>Stare at the rock in the middle of the floor in the front room of the library.
>Stick your tongue out while you concentrate on casting the spell.
>If your calculations are correct, this spell -should- turn the rock into gold.
>Slam your eyes shut and finish casting.
>Open them.
>Oh, no, that's not right.
>A fully grown grey pony blinks. He hasn't got a cutie mark.
>He looks around, dazed and confused.
>"wh-where am I?"
"Beats me. Wanna become my new test subject?"
>"What kind of tests?"
>Glance over at your secret chest filled with your self-written princess erotica.
"So how do you think you'd look in a tiara?"
>Before you can roleplay as Celestia and he as you, your front door is levelled.
>Look over with a bewildered expression.
>A huge changeling covered in battle armour and various wounds grunts and kneels down.
>Anon hops off, a harpoon slung over his back and wearing what appears to be a handmade breastplate.
>He's also missing an eye and is sporting the most marvellous beard.
>Fluttershy takes up his side.
>She's completely bald and is missing half her teeth.
>Look at the calender.
>...Oh dear.
>Anon stomps forwards.
>"Princess."
>Nod slowly.
"Anon?"
>He glares down at you.
"So uhh, where have you been these last... Umm... Five years...?"
>His eyes narrow even harder.
>"Do you have any idea where I've been and what I've been through?"
>Take note of the dragon skull he's using as a shield.
"Umm. I can guess?"
>He reaches into a pouch and produces a few scrolls.
>Take them from him and start reading.

>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
>'Today I learned that not only are changelings carnivorous, but they have an intense sexual libido. I pray that the citizens of Appleoosa forgive me.'
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
>'Today I learned that a dragon matriarch will fight to the death to protect her young, but also that their blood burns like acid.'
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
>'Today I learned that Fluttershy does dark and terrible things to my body while I sleep. And that I should always sleep with a knife for future encounters.'
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
>'Today I learned that there is a race of rat-men living under Canterlot. I decided not to report them to the overworld because they were gracious hosts.'
>'PS, You might have to deal with a rat-man uprising.'
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
>'Today I learned that my changeling mount (Susan) can fly. Not even the pegasi are safe from her wrath. RIP Wingslow Village.'
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
>'Today I learned that potions bought from native Zebra tribes have regenerative properties. In relation to that, Fluttershy can no longer die. So I have no qualms stabbing her if she annoys me.'
>'Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle.'
>'Today I learned that it's been 4 years since you forsook me and Fluttershy. We're going to fucking kill you when we get back.'

>Look up
>Anon's fist connects with your face and you go reeling backwards.
>Be Fluttershy.
>Lean on Susan's leg and watch with an unimpressed face as Anon gets on top of Twilight and starts beating the blood out of her.
>Susan grunts.
>Sigh and scratch a developing itch.
>Twilight's cries reach your ears but you don't care.
>You've seen things that no pony should see.
>Anon finishes destroying her face and stands back up.
>He reaches into another pouch and hurls a carton of milk at her face.
>Then looks towards the grey pony, who was watching the whole thing amazed
>"Hey, you. Wanna come on an adventure?"
>"S-sure!"
>"What's your name?"
>"...I don't know."
>"How does Tom sound?"
>"Great!"
>Anon turns around and points at you
>"So where to now?"
"My bedroom?"
>He stabs you and walks out, Susan and Tom following him.
>Fucking Anon.

The End.