Originally uploaded to Pastebin: January 1st, 2015
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>"Criss-what?"
"Christmas, he called it."
>Rainbow Dash frowns.
>"What's that?"
"Umm, I think he said it was something like Hearth's Warming Eve, you give presents and spread good cheer."
>"Pshh, so why not just call it Hearth's Warming Eve?"
>Shrug, then shiver.
>The field you're both lounging around in is terribly cold.
"Not sure, he said it was something to do with a human called Christ."
>"What was so special about him?"
"He had a lot of wood, and got nailed a lot."
>Rainbow Dash's ears prick up and she grins.
>"He sounds like my kind of human!"
>You bite your lip and imagine humans getting nailed.
"Y-yeah, it sounds wonderful..."
>Shake your head.
"Anyway, we need to think of a way to use this!"
>Rainbow Dash lazily plays around with a bit of cloud.
>Some snow falls out of it as she does so.
>"I dunno, 'Shy. Anon seems pretty uptight. I mean, I wanna bang him as much as the next mare but don't you think he'd catch onto us if we used this Crissmuss thingy on him?"
"Oh no, he said humans -love- this holiday! He said it's the only time of the year people stopped being mean to each other! A holiday full of so much love... We -have- to use this! It's perfect!"
>Rainbow shrugs.
>"Alright, if you insist. But how do we do it?"
"W-well, umm, I'm not sure... I guess we could try and get more information out of him so we could create a plan?"
>Your friend nods.
>"Sounds good to me! Hold this--"
>She tosses you the chunk of snow-cloud she was fiddling with and tears away across the snow-capped fields.

>Sip your coffee and stare at the winter wonderland outside your kitchen window.
"Man, today is gonna be great."
>A blue pony with a rainbow mane slams into the side of your house and waves at you as she slides down the wall.
>Nonchalantly drink some more coffee.
"Man, today is gonna suck."
>The pony peels herself off the brickwork and rushes to your front door.
>Go to open it.
>When you do so, a cold breeze whips up your dressing gown around you.
>Rainbow Dash gets a nosebleed.
>"H-hey! Uhh, so Chessmass. Pretty crazy, right?"
"Yeah, it is."
>Raise an eyebrow.
"Why do you care?"
>Dash leans against a nearby plant-pot and tries to look cool.
>But the plant-pot was actually just snow weirdly shaped exactly like a bush.
>The pile of snow with a rainbow tail now sticking out of it casually looks up at you.
>"Eh, you know, just curious. So what do you do on the day?"
>Shrug.
"Eat food, exchange gifts, love your family. Literally the exact same holiday as Hearth's Warming Eve, but without the religious parts."
>An ominous wind howls in the distance as you mention 'religion'.
>Dysphoria fills you.
>Rainsnow Dash nods.
>"Cool, cool, but are there any -special- parts? Do you wear any kooky outfits or whatever?"
"Sometimes. Usually just gaudy sweaters."
>Sip your tea.
>Wonder when your coffee turned into tea.
>Drink some more tea.
"Oh, and also girls usually dress sluttily and try to make out with people under mistletoe. It's gross."
>The snowpony sprouts wings.
>"BINGO!"
>It explodes and a rainbow streak bolts away from you.
>Watch it disappear into the distance.
>Look down at your cup.
>It's filled with eggnog.
>Frown.

"Slutty outfits?"
>"Totally! -And- they make out with guys under mistletoe! Fluttershy this is PERFECT!"
>You cinge at her shouting, but your heart starts hammering in your chest anyway.
"Oh my goodness... We might have a shot at this! Oh-- Did he say what kind of slutty outfits?"
>"I dunno, let's see what you have."
>You both head inside your cottage and upstairs to your room.
>Leading your friend towards your cupboard, you push the sliding door to one side.
"Umm, okay, so which do you think?"
>...
"Rainbow Dash?"
>"Why is there a giant lizard outfit there...?"
"Oh, that's for Spike."
>Rainbow Dash gives you a strange look.
>Blush and hurriedly move along.
"What about a nurse?"
>"I swear you choose every excuse to dress up in that thing."
"I like being a nurse..."
>Rainbow Dash pushes past you and starts roughly searching through your clothes.
>"No. No. No. Eww... No. No. No. N-- wait..."
>...
>"...No."
>She pauses.
>"Ohhh, what about this one?"
>She pulls out a cute little red outfit with white fluffy hems and a hat to go with it.
>You frown.
"Not very festive though, is it?"
>Rainbow gives it another look.
>"Yeah, I guess you're right."
>She puts it back on the rack and keeps sifting through.
>"Wait. Fluttershy. This. THIS."
>The mare squeals and shows you what she found.
>You blush deeply at the sight of it.
"B-But Rainbow! That's... L-lewd!"
>She grins devilishly.
>"Isn't that the point?"
>You chew your bottom lip.
>Then think of Anon rutting you while you wear what Rainbow's holding.
>That seals the deal.
"Alright, let's do it!"
>Rainbow Dash hoof-pumps the air and lets out a "Yes!"
>You root through the cupboard some more.
"I should have another outfit just like that..."
>"Why would you have two?"
"I'm afraid of losing the outfit then needing it while it's gone, so I always keep replacements."
>"That's... An oddly specific fear, Fluttershy."
>You give her a weak smile and let out a soft "yay" as you find the replacement.
>Rainbow Dash looks over her outfit.
>"Fluttershy. I think this plan is gonna rock Anon's world. And then his bed."

>Hear a knock on your door.
>Put down your copy of ' Mares with crossbows weekly ' and lumber over to the door.
>A hot mug of something is already in your hand by the time you reach it.
>Looking down, it appears to be hot orange juice.
>Eh, good enough.
>Sip it and open the door.
>...
"Now that's just silly."
>Two mares dressed as abominable snowponies peer up at you.
>"R-rawr! We're here to kiss you under the mistletoe!"
>The other one perks up.
>"Yeah! We're gonna fuck you real good!"
>Stare at them for a second.
>Then close the door.
"Alright. That just happened."
>They knock again.
"What do you want?"
>"Can we come in?"
"No. You want to sexually molest me."
>"Don't be stupid, Anon, why would we do that?"
"Good point."
>Open the door and let them in.
>As soon as the door is shut you lock it and smile at them.
"Okay, now what?"
>"Now we're gonna sexually molest you."
"Shit."
>Hurl your mug of bleach at one of the snowponies.
>She screams and falls backwards.
>"N-NO! THE FABRIC! IT'S RUINED!"
>Her comrade winces at her outburst and picks her up.
>"Come -on- Fluttershy! We can still do this!"
>As you run away, you are shocked at the odds of there being two Fluttershys in Ponyville.
>Must be a common name.
>Bail out the back door and into the snow.
>Bail back into the back door and away from the snow.
"Fuck it's cold out there."
>Worst of all, you're not wearing slippers.
>And you can't be bothered changing clothes.
>And the two mysterious ponies dressed as monsters that are trying to rape you also pose a problem.
>The question is how to stop them from doing so.
>You think on this as you ascend the stairs.
>One of the ponies is consoling her friend, who is wailing about the affects of bleach on fabric.
>Even though she was stark white and the bleach won't have done much.
>Then again, you don't know much about clothes.
>Rarity does, though.
>Wait.
>Rarity?
>Rarity must be one of the snowponies!
>Son of a bitch, you knew this would occur sooner or later.
>Mother always said it would be fuzzy white ponies that would be your end.
>You thought it was a metaphor for cocaine.
>Shows how much of a dumbass you are.
>From the sounds of it, the ponies have recovered from their emotional trauma and are now looking for you.
>Thankfully, you're hidden in a remarkable hiding spot.
>"Where is he?"
>"N-not sure... Hey, has he always had that lamp?"
>"Huh, don't think so. Never seen it here before."
>One of them giggles.
>"Heh... Kinda looks like him a bit, doesn't it?"
>They both laugh.
>"Yeah, it does... Come on, let's keep looking. Anon? Aaaaanoooon!"
>You breathe a sigh of relief from beneath the lamp-shade you're wearing on your head.
>Ponies aren't too bright.
>But you are.
>Because you're a lamp.
>HA.
>Smirking at your hilarious joke, you creep towards the basement.
>Slipping through the door you swiftly descend the steps and pull the little bit of string to bring some lights on.
>Gotta be something down here that can help you.
>You puzzle over your large collection of knives, axes, and other medieval weaponry before deciding on an inflatable mallet you got with Pinkie Pie at a fair.
>...
>One of the ponies was comforting the other after the bleach...
>Only one other pony is so selfless, good natured, and full of loving kindness.
>Pinkie Pie.
>Pinkie Pie and Rarity have joined forces to fondle your fiddle.
>These are the darkest times.
>Grimacing, you pluck your mallet off the wall and look around for something else.
>You find a bag of baubles you haven't used to decorate with yet.
>If you throw these at the hooves of your pursuers, they'll trip over them and fall down!
>Chuckling, you take them with you.
>Armed with a plastic hammer and some glass balls, you return upstairs.
>Peek out of the door before you enter the hallway.
>The ponies are nowhere to be seen.
>Glancing, you see the backdoor again.
>And your outdoor boots lying on the mat next to it.
>How you didn't see them before escapes you, but you subtly slide over to them and pull them on.
>Hoofsteps upstairs alert you.
>Straining your ears, you can hear voices.
>"Anything?"
>"N-no, he's not in here either! Where -is- he?"
>"Is he a spy or something? I've never met anyone so stealthy!"
>"Well maybe he's downstairs again..."
>"Maybe."
>They move out of what you think was your bedroom and towards the stairs.
>You need to find a place to hide.
>But where?
>So caught up are you in your decision making that by the time you settle on 'just go to the basement again', there are two abominable ponies stood before you.
>One of them grins.
>"Hi."
"Stop."
>She cocks her head.
"Mallet moment."
>Slap her with the inflatable mallet.
>She reels backwards, letting out a squawk and crashing to the floor, bouncing several times and cracking the floorboards each time she does so.
>Ignoring the physics of that, you turn to the other snowpony and hurl a handful of baubles at her hooves.
>They bounce off the floor and hit her in the face.
>She starts crying and clutches onto your leg.
>Try to shake her off.
>She just cries harder.
>Sigh and attempt to remove her.
>She seems to cling on harder the more you pull.
>Like a suction cup made of hurt feelings.
>By now, the other snowman has recovered from her mallet-induced minor concussion and has lurched over to you.
>She grabs your other leg and refuses to let go.
>Stare at the ponies holding your legs.
>You can't easily move them.
>This is it.
>This is your life now.
>Groan and take a single step towards the back door.
>You can still make it.
>This can all be over.
>You're still not even sure what -this- is, so far you've hit Rarity and Pinkie Pie with mallets and baubles and made them cry.
>Hell of a morning.
>You wish Rainbow Dash was here to help you.
>The pony that was crying stops for a moment to warble at you in an incoherent and indecipherable language.
>"A-aww we wadded wuz t-to k-kissuu!"
"What."
>She clears her throat.
>"A-all we wanted was to kiss you!"
"Gross."
>You reach the back door and step out into the snow.
>The two ponies try to stay latched onto your legs, but the cool touch of mother nature causes them to shiver and drop off.
>You look down at them with contempt.
"That's what you get for... Well I can't actually remember why you're here or why this even happened, but that's what you get!"
>One of the snowponies gives you doe-eyes.
>"So this... This wasn't your fetish?"
"Hell naw. To be honest, I'm very disappointed in you, Rarity and you too, Pinkie."
>The two ponies look at each other, confused.
"What you thought I didn't know? Thought I would be tricked by your act? I caught on the moment I threw bleach at you."
>"Umm--"
"Face it, Rarity and or Pinkie, I'm too smart for you."
>Tap the side of your skull.
"Human intelligence, bitch."
>Turn to walk back inside.
>Crush your nose against the closed door.
>Mutter an apology to it and hurry inside.
>Lock it for good measure.
>Mission accomplished.

>Stare at the back door to Anon's house.
>Rainbow Dash is just as bewildered as you.
>"Uh, was Anon always so... dim?"
"Yeah... I was sort of betting on him being tricked into fucking us."
>"Think I came on too strongly?"
"Just a little bit."
>"Eh, we can always try again later. It isn't Hearths Warming Eve yet!"
>Smile at her.
"You're right! We'll get him, and he'll be sure to love us as soon as we figure out what exactly he wants from us!" 
>You pick yourself up and walk away through the snow.
>Rainbow Dash follows, hovering alongside you.
>"Hey, I just got an idea!"
"Oh?"
>"What if we did carols?"
"I'm not sure they have carols at Christmas."
>"Pffft, why wouldn't they? He said our two holidays were pretty much the same so we should totally go over there and carol!"
"But... How will he find that sexy?"
>Rainbow furrows her brow.
>"Darn it... Well what do you think we should do?"
"How about we just break in at night and tie him to his bed?"
>Rainbow Dash stops and turns to you.
>You both give each other a look.
>Rainbow taps her chin slowly.
>...
>"...Yes."

>"Can you see anything?"
"No, it's really dark!"
>"Keep searching!"
>Rainbow Dash picks up a small stone and frowns.
>"His key is always around here somewhere..."
"What if he got cautious and took it in with him?"
>You gasp.
"W-what if he's wearing it around his neck while he sleeps and we have to carefully take it off him without waking him up?!"
>Rainbow scratches her head.
>"Wouldn't we have to like, be inside for that?"
"..."
>Rainbow Dash eventually finds Anon's front door key.
>Sellotaped to his front door.
>In a moment, you're both inside.
>Carefully wipe your hooves on his welcome mat.
>Dash gives you a deadpan look.
"I-It's polite..."
>"We're about to rape him, Fluttershy."
"I prefer 'struggle snuggle'."
>"You prefer anything involving something cutesy."
>Grumble under your breath and walk upstairs to Anon's bedroom.
>Peeking through a crack in his door, you motion for Dash to follow you in.
>Both of you stare down at the sleeping form of Anonymous.
>He stirs in his sleep.
>"Mmph... Not the soup..."
>You suppress the urge to jump on him and make him yours right then and there.
>Rainbow Dash puts some rope in your hooves and you both set about tying him down.
>Lean over him to tie a knot.
>For a brief moment, you're enraptured by how beautiful his eyes are...
>...
"Uh oh."
>Anon stares up at you in the dark, leant over him with rope and breathing heavily.
>"Fluttershy."
"H-Hi?"
>"What are you doing?"
>You panic and look at Rainbow Dash.
>"We're Jesus!"
>You and Anon both give Dash incredulous looks.
>To her credit, Dash sticks to the story.
>"It's true! I'm Jesus and this is my partner, Chess!"
"Christ."
>"Cress!"
>Anon looks between the two of you and folds his arms.
>"Hand on, Jesus wasn't blue or yellow."
>You purse your lips.
"Oh but I, I mean we, are! The boggle just left that out!"
>Anon raises an eyebrow.
>"Yeah? Well in the boggle you also die, so nice try."
"I umm, didn't?"
>"What."
"The book lied."
>At this point you're just saying whatever comes into your head in hopes that it sticks.
>Rainbow Dash carries on for you.
>"Come on, Anon, who are you going to believe, Jesus and Chips, or some dusty old book?"
>Anon scratches his chin in thought.
>"Well it -is- pretty dusty... Alright, I'll buy it."
>You and Rainbow cheer.
>...
"Uh, could you excuse us for one moment?"
>"Aight."
>Drag Rainbow Dash outside into the hallway.
"Okay, two things, the first is that Anon is... Um, really stupid."
>"Yu huh."
"The second is, what do we do now? Jesus was a really important figure to Anon!"
>"We'll just make it up! We have him eating out of our hooves!"
>You nod shakily and follow Dash back in.
>Rainbow perches herself on the bed and smiles at Anon.
>"Anon, how would you like to join me in getting nailed? You know, for old times sake."
>The human gawps at her.
>"You want me to nail myself to a cross and die?"
>...
>"...Y-- No. I want you to show me a good time! I've been real busy lately doing..."
>She trails off and looks to you helplessly.
"Collecting sea shells!"
>"Yeah! That's it! Also beach ball!"
>The human cocks his head slightly.
>"Jesus plays beach ball?"
>"Sure does! He also plays other 'fun' games, too!"
>Anon narrows his eyes.
>"I don't know, Jesus... The Boogle explicitly forbids fun."
>Dash snorts.
>"Boogle schmoogle, I already told you that I'm the real deal, Anon."
>"I know... But I just wonder sometimes."
>He sighs.
>"Every get the feeling you're just being spoken to and interacted with by people just so they can take advantage of you and use you like a piece of disposable equipment?"
>You glance at Dash.
>She raises an eyebrow.
>"Well, uhh, I dunno, Anon, your equipment can be used more than once. Hopefully."
>"That's not the point... Earlier today two close friends of mine tried to rape me! In snowman costumes!"
>He sighs.
>"They weren't even realistic..."
"Yes they were-- Oops."
>Anon stares at you.
>Dash motions for you to shut up.
"I mean, they were great! I would know because I'm Jesus! And I know everything!"
>Anon nods.
>"True, you do."
>He brightens up.
>"Speaking of which, you know that horrific sexually transmitted disease that causes necrosis and four types of cancer to anyone that catches it that I have? Is that something that will go away over time or do I have to rub a cream on it?"
>The room falls silent.
>Rainbow Dash hops off the bed and walks out the door.
>"Fuck this."
"Rain-- uh, Christ! Wait!"
>"Forget it, Fluttershy! He's not worth it!"
>You hear the front door slam shut.
>Nervously tap your hooves together and give a sheepish smile to Anon.
>He scowls back.
>You weigh up your options given the recent development.
"So..."

>...

>...

"W-wanna nail me?"

The End.