(https://boards.4channel.org/mlp/thread/40074116#p40086585)

>You've been homeless before
>Multiple times, actually
>Unsupportive family
>Making right choices, even when they aren't necessarily the smart choices
>Each time, you had a certain number of items with you
>Clothes
>Gadgets and entertainment
>Money
>A car
>God gifts a homeless man with a car the world
>But not in Equestria
>Not in fucking Ponyville
>You were carrying light, trading coins and some of your earthly knickknacks for a Canterlot-made rucksack
>Not quite modern American military durable, but your detailed requests put your bag on par with the Celestian Guard
>You're not sure if that is the right name for them but their saddlebags were pretty rugged
>Not all, but most of the ponies that saw you trekking in seemed...
>Excited?
>They weren't acting like you were some mystical creature
>Or maybe they were?
>Maybe small towns bred small minds
>"Omigosh, you're a hewwwwwwwman, aren't ya?!"
>A deceptively nondescript filly comes up to you
>She's small enough to be a football
>You kneel down, curiosity piqued
>Not once did you ever say what manner of mammal you were
"Me? Yeah. A funny looking one, sure, but still a human. What's up?"
>"Anon said that hewmanamans are tall with hair on their faces and had funny eyes and were faggots!"
>If you were drinking, you would have sprayed the filly down
>Since you were more on the parched side... all you can do is stare at her in sheer disbelief
"...Huh?"
>You have funny eyes?
"I... well. Where is this... Anon?"
>As if she were waiting to be asked, she vibrates with enough energy that you're worried she would noclip through the ground
>"She's at Sugarcube Corner, of course! Let's GO!"
>She bolts off at blue hedgehog speed
>Was she just looking for an excuse to go there?
>Not like you have much else, and the name "Anon" already is getting more ponies to look at you a little funny
>While she did leave a trail in the dirt that could lead to generations of trench warfare, you were able to also see her bouncing around the front door of the aforementioned Corner
>Upon seeing you, she reared up and flapped her front legs with reckless abandon
>This must be the place
>"Mr. Hewamanalana! Anon lives here!"
>This is...
>What even is this?
>If you were going to give yourself a name here, you're pretty sure you would stick with "Anon" too
"Is that right? Well, I appreciate the help."
>You heft the rucksack and open the door
>Little Miss Speed bolts in faster than you can make a quip for
>The bakery smells glorious
>"Anon! Anonanonanananananonamona! Heweyman alert! Huey-Mann alert!"
>This filly must understand the concept of an inside voice, there is no other reason why she so joyously tramples on it
>Upstairs you hear a muffled scream
>Along with some clattering
>At least one curse you're familiar with
>Banging
>Stomping
>More cursing
>...
>What sounds like some nervous humming
>Light steps down the staircase to your left
>In awe at this entire vaudeville act, you see a...

>Plump
>Fatigued
>Nervous
>Green mare with a pitch dark mane
>She doesn't even make it down the stairs fully before her green eyes glue to you
>Her jaw drops
>The look in her eye
>"Holy shit."
>She descends far more cautiously
>This pony looks like she's either going to burst into tears or explode in some sort of confetti bomb of happiness
>She looks up at you in raw awe, like you're some sort of monument
>That look in her eye
>You can't place your finger on it
>But it feels like...
>It's...
>It's on the tip of your tongue
>It's like that feel when...
>"You're real. Aren't you."
>Her voice is low, monotonous
>She swallows hard
>You do the same in kind
"Yeah. Painfully so."
>The filly remains quiet
>"I'm... uh. I'm Anon."
>Her face twitches into an uncertain smirk
>"And... you are too... right...?"
>You tilt your head and shrug with a mix of guilt and relief
"Yeah... yeah, I guess I'm Anon too."
>That dual admission leads to the filly giving a squeaky cheer
>"Yay, Anon found Anon foundanonfoundanonfoundan-"
>She is become speed
>She gallops laps around the two of (You) until the green mare holds her hind leg out
>The filly trips on the hoof and tumbles into a mountain of pillows
>Apparently this isn't the first time she's had to do that
>You sit down on the floor, watching the mare
>She sits down as well, though the stance change is different
>"I never thought I'd see another human again."
"How long have you been here?"
>"Since as long as I could remember. I woke up one day as some little foal and..."
>Her eyes roam over your body
>"And then you show up, still wearing earth clothes, still a human..."
>Her eyes drop down to your crotch
>"And I bet you're packing enough down there to make me scream bloody murder."
>What?
"What?"
>The entire tone changed from that borderline husky hypothetical
"...I have many questions. Including why you just said that."
>"Hey, Zippo! Can you go explore for a while? Aunt Anon's gotta talk with her friend."
>As if she were merely waiting for the coast to be clear, the filly bursts from the downy mountain and gives a solid salute
>"I'll go tell every pony in Equestria that you finally found your huwemon!"
>The mare gives a lazy chuckle and appropriately lackluster salute back
>"Start with the orchard, will ya? This really does call for a celebration."
>The filly zips off, leaving the door to slowly close on it's own
>As soon as the door closes with a faint "click", the mare dives forward and stuffs her face into your chest
>"I'M NOT ALONE ANYMORE!"
>The pony screams and nearly bursts into tears on the spot
>It's that sort of ugly crying that you've only seen when pets are put down
>When a precious family heirloom is broken by careless packing and moving
>When the reality hits you that most of your family is long passed and gone
>Ignoring the mixture of liquid coming from the eyes, nose and mouth, you reflexively hug the pone that slowly curls up to you as hard as she can
>You could almost call it "pathetic"

>...
>...
>...
>"...Thanks for letting me get it all out, man. I... I don't know what happened to me there."
"Nah. No, you're alright."
>Thankfully you have a few shirts to spare
>You let her use the one she got messy as a glorified snot rag
>You both sit near each other
>Not close
>But not far away either
"So... what happened? You popped up and became a pony, huh?"
>"Yeah. I had all of these raunchy fantasies. I wanted to go on massive adventures. I wanted a big harem all to myself and be king of the world."
>You look at the mare
>Given her physique, it seems like she doesn't do much adventuring
"So why didn't you?"
>Anon shrugs
>"I did go on some, when I was a filly... a lot of them were really fun. But... I kinda pushed things a little too hard too."
"What did you push on?"
>"That I was the only girl in a group of boys and knew how babies were made."
>Your eyebrow raises
>She grins
>"Don't worry. It didn't end up at all like my Alcor fantasies. I just weirded them all out. Kept talking about things they didn't understand. And how could they, right?"
>She leans back
>With her back to the wall, she's almost sitting like you
>Like a human
>Her head and eyes go to the ceiling
>"Nothing but normies everywhere in the real world... and then you pop up here. And they aren't even normies. They're just... themselves. And you really see just how much of yourself is you, and how much is what you were plugged into."
>The weariness in her voice brings a sense of longingness to your heart
"Yeah... well... unless we can find a source of electricity, I'm gonna be unplugged pretty permanently soon."
>The mare's head snaps to you
>"...What do you mean by that? Do you got a phone?"
>You chuckle
"Dude. I got more than just a phone. I got my 2DS, I got a little Gameboy-looking thing that has near seven hundred games on there that I put on. I got my Steam Deck an-"
>"Hold on, shut up."
>The mare rolls onto her front hooves
>She glares at you
>Hard
>"What the fuck is a Steam Deck?"
"...fuck. You really have been here for a while, haven't you?"
>"Answer me, bitch."
>You snort
"It's basically a beefier Switch that can play emulators and a shit ton of PC games. Uses Linux."
>The mare stares
>You can almost hear the gears turning in her head
>"...The fuck is a Switch?"
"Nintendo's most recent console. Handheld, can be docked to play on a TV."
>The growing apprehension-or excitement-makes her hooves shift to re-adjust her weight
>"...Can you show me?"
"Sure."
>Deciding this place is as good as ever, you unload your ruck
>Seven shirts
>Seven pairs of pants
>Seven pairs of socks
>Fourteen pairs of underwear
>Two empty battery banks
>A phone that has 85% power, once turned on
>Switch
>Deck
>RG353 pseudo-Game Boy
>A variety of power cords, USB cables and USB-to-wall adapter plugs
"I had one of those cheapo hiking watches, my wallet and a headlamp. But I traded those for the sack."
>With how neatly everything is placed out, Anon just gawks at the vidya

>"Th..."
>Anon sighs
>"They're too fucking small for hooves. What the fuck, why did Reggie abandon me?"
"Reggie's been gone for a while. Bowser took over."
>She looks at you like you called her retarded
>"Excuse me?"
"Yeah. Guy named Bowser is the new Reg."
>She stares off into space
>She shakes her head
>"Yeah, no. Now you're just fucking with me. I know you are."
>You shrug it off
>Some people will never admit that Reggie retired on top
>Anon looks at all of the handheld consoles
>She carefully puts her hoof to the side of the Deck
>The analog controller may as well be a grape
>And her hoof may as well be a boxing glove
>"...Dude... after all the time..."
>She sits in front of you
>Facing you
>The look on her face is one of complete resolution
>"I will asphyxiate on your nuts every day for the rest of my life if you can find a way to let me play any of them."
>As tempting as that is, your immediate answer is a laugh
"I don't know how I could do that. The most I could do is turn into some Let's Player and have you tell me what to do."
>Her eyes dart down to your crotch and back
>"I will asphyxiate on your nuts every day for the rest of my life if I can watch you play games."
"You have a particular fascination with one of those two things you keep bringing up."
>"I literally found a unicorn. In a world full of actual fucking unicorns. I'm already about ready to show you my ahegao and tell all the mares here that you're my long-lost husband."
>You can't help but laugh at that
>And while you're laughing, she just...
>Continues to stare at you
>Hard
>Your laughing dies down once her awkward gloomy aura invades your space
>"I'm not kidding. You're basically a time traveler, my sense of smell is so strong I went crazy for a few weeks after my first heat, and I've made some friends and ended up getting them on the hardcore human train. That dick-and your video games-are mine."
>You wouldn't normally think that a chubby green talking pony could be threatening to you
>But this sense of aggressive autism and pent up sexual energy
"...I still need a source of power."
>"Oh don't you worry about power, monkey man. I'll get you your fucking power."
>What a menacing pony
"...Well alright then."
>You shift your sitting position to cross your legs
>You may be more in danger here than out in the wilderness
"So... what happens next?"
>"Well you're crashing with me."
>She stops you the millisecond you open your mouth
>"Shut up. You get a bed, you get a mare, and you get food. There's a reason why you came to Ponyville specifically, right?"
>Of course
>She probably did the same thing
"Twilight."
>"Yup."
"Guessing she knows stuff about humans?"
>She rolls her eyes
>"She doesn't know shit. I spent years talking to her and researching whatever I could. There's no portal, EQG isn't canon after all, there's no spells that can go to earth. And even if there were, there's no way to tell that they go to earth until after you go through."

"Until after you go through? What, were they portals?"
>"Yeah. One led to an active volcano, one led to an underwater cave, I called it quits after the seventh portal led to a freaking mass of tentacles."
>She looks at you
>At the consoles
>"I... I'm sorry man. But you're stuck. I'm stuck."
>You're used to harder times
>Being displaced
>Not ever truly having a home to call your own
>At least now, in the moment, this doesn't phase you beyond the sinking feeling of your heart dropping down to your gut
>Your eyes lose their focus, enough that you get a slight head rush
"So..."
>You gulp
"So what now? I'm here. I still have clothes. My boots aren't so bad."
>"Well lucky for you, you have a sexy mare with a human fetish."
"Really? Tell me it's Fluttershy. I always knew she was hard up for the HMD."
>Your lifted spirit is met with the most bitter grimace
>The chubby mare speaks in a slow, harsh tone
>"I mean me, you fucking idiot."
"...oh. Yeah. Well, I mean I haven't really done any appraisal yet so... you know."
>You shrug away the tension
>Or try to
>You automatically feel a strong sense of kinship with the mare
>But it's that familiar kinship... that comes from a console exclusive player and a desktop gaming player
>Just enough unknown or not synced opinions to make small gaps feel that much wider
>She huffs and whips her head back in a very showy attempt to show her disproval with class
>Due to her less than stellar mane, it doesn't come across as some flowing cascade of inky black hotness
"You know, you could really use a brushing."
>"Yeah and I could really use a dicking too. Now find me someone who has both hands to hold a brush and a dick."
>Her repeated blunt insertions are just...
"Listen. You don't talk like this around that little zoomer, do you?"
>Anon looks at you like you insulted her on an existential level
>"Wha-no! Dude, you're the first thing that understands me in this world that I've been open to. I've told my story to rabbits, fish, turtles, timberwolf pups, fucking timber itself."
>She shrugs and juts her head forward, as if to assert that those were not a sign of weakness
>"I mean, I have to. I don't want to think I'm some schizo. But to ponies, I'm... well, I guess I'm kinda like how I was at home. Or how I wished I could be. I'm nice, I help out. I really undersell myself and let others give me praise instead. It's... worked out. I've kinda built up a life here. In Ponyville, I mean."
>She nods upward
>"I stay here a lot of the time but I got a few places all over. They're not big. They're... not even necessarily mine. But I have a few places..."

>She doesn't sound confident
>"I don't have a ton either. I guess. Without computers or video games, I really didn't have a lot that I could want."
"What have you done for so long?"
>She looks you in the eye
>"Masturbate, work, sleep, eat."
>You shouldn't, but your mouth moves faster than your mind
"So what were you doing before I popped up?"
>"Multi-tasking."
>You can't stop yourself from giving a twitch "heh"
"...you're serious, aren't you."
>"You have no idea how hard it is to feel truly satisfied when you have hooves, you can't physically touch yourself, and cleanup is a messy affair."
"Or you're just a messy mare."
>Another instinctual answer
>This time she's the one to go "heh"
>With a strong sigh, she nods to the side of her head
>"I guess so."
>With all of the cards laid out on the table and seemingly no secrets left, the bakery goes quiet
"So what do I do?"
>Anon looks at you
>Even if her neutral expression is stoic, you can see some form of empathy present
>"Let me talk to Twilight about getting some form of juice to your stuff. She owes me a favor. After that... well, you're a human. Big, strong, you don't look like a NEET. You can find work all over the place that I could never do. I'm not that strong or durable, but you could do an hour's worth of work in a third of the time I bet."
>Enjoyment
>And work
>No matter where you are, you gotta have a way to pay for things and a way to stop yourself from thinking too hard on your situation
"That works. Sure."
>You don't want to be a charity case
>But
"I'm kinda hungry."
>"So hungry you could eat out a horse?"
"Almost."
>She chuckles
>"Sure. I can make a mean bear claw. I'll whip up a batch just for you. This place is crazy stocked all the time."
>With a sudden bounce in her step, she gets up and goes beyond the display counter
>"You can pay me back later with some of that HMD, 'kay?"
>Whether or not you want to be, you're stuck
>But you've been through worse
>And with less friendly figures involved
>You'll get through this too


>"Wow, you really are a human like Anon said... and... your name is Anon too?"
>The famous purple book-hungry legend herself is in your presence
>With near a dozen books floating around her, spinning in an asymmetrical cycle
"Yeah, that's right."
>You can't really say too much in regards to the name
>Maybe one day you can use your real name
"It's a... common name. Like John. Or Lucas."
>"I knew exactly one Lucas when I was a human, you know."
>The green mare is around too
>The bear claws are still in the oven
>Twilight brings one journal to her face
>A pair of quills start flitting away at the paper
"Man... you seem a lot more powerful than season one..."
>"Hey, shush about that sort of stuff. We aren't in canon, remember? You-know-who never got sent to you-know-where. So they never had to find the you-know-whats."
>Anonmare leans over to whisper to you
>Without it sounding like a whisper
>Twilight doesn't seem to pay attention
>"Please, keep talking. I'm drawing you as a real life example as a human. It's fascinating to see how Anon turned into a pony when coming here... but you're even wearing your normal human clothing too."
>The mercurial swaying and swinging of books and quills stop without hesitation
>"...Anon and Anon... oh my... is there perhaps something I can do to make it easier to differentiate between you two?"
>Anon looks at you, momentarily at a loss for a quick answer
>Adopting an old accent, you push out your jaw and lips
"Why yesh you can. The name's Bond. Vaga Bond."
>Twilight looks up at you to absorb the information
>After a tick, she giggles
>"Ha ha, I get it! Well... if you really don't mind it, Bond it is!"
>With that, the magical literary circus resumes
>Anon looks at you with a queer look
>"You really hiding it?"
"Look who's talking, "Anon"."
>You shrug and keep your eyes on Twilight
>She's more gorgeous than any art would suggest
>Her mane is meticulously styled
>Her eyes are sharp and focused
>Her coat seems to be just long enough that you could imagine petting it for hours
>Is it some form of early winter coat?
>You glance back to Anon
>Her mane is messy and chaotic
>The chubby factor and dulled, perpetually concerned eyes are another stark contrast
>The coat seems similar, if a little shorter
>It truly is alien to be so much bigger than both of them
"So Twilight."
>"Yes, Mr. Bond?"
>Twilight answers with an adorable giggle
"I was told that you could power up my gadgets. They use electricity but if you outright blast them... well, they're going to just break."
>"You were? Well I could try... but I'll need to hold onto them. You won't mind, right?"
>You do mind
>You aren't sure you want to be torn away from what few things you have
>Worse, if your things get magically fried, you'll have nothing but scrap
"Only if you can do your best to not ruin them. If Anon couldn't ever go back home, I don't think I can. And if I lose those too..."

>"I promise I won't let anything happen. In return, could you tell me more about yourself? Anon spent years telling me stories but..."
>"But they weren't stories! See? My proof is sitting right here."
>The audible friction between them is palpable
"What's there to know?"
>Twilight ignores Anon's temper and smiles with something uplifting enough to make nearly any man feel energized
>"Why, everything! Who you are, where you came from, what your world is like. Anon told me a ton of things and this will not just corroborate her tales, but give me even more insight into humans!"
>Her enthusiasm is genuine, no doubt
>Anon grumbles something and trots off, leaving you to focus on the request
"Well... why don't I start on the recent and go backward?"
>"Yes, please! Don't worry about the flow, just go with it. But, uhm, please do tell me if you go back further in your life or not. Context."
"Sure. Well... I used to live with my family. Until they moved. I had plans with moving in with a friend but he changed his mind for something that suited him better."
>You aren't saying that happened recently
>It had happened years ago
>But that was the start of a lot of things for you
>An awakening of a sort
"Back then, I really didn't think about much. My stuff was my stuff. My room was my room. My food and so on... it was all just there. You know?"
>"Go on."
>The myriad of scribbling is a bit of a distraction
>You feel self-conscious knowing that someone is paying such close attention to your words
"Well. When push came to shove, I was kinda cast off. Everyone had theirs, and I was told to just... go find mine. At the time, I kept what little furniture I had in a storage unit, or threw it away. None of it was valuable enough to sell, and I didn't have the means or time to make a garage sale."
>You don't think you were weak, per say, back then
>But you were simply less experienced
>How could you have done anything more, without guidance?
"That taught me a lot. I had a couch to sleep on, from another friend. I had my hardware and gadgets and all kinds of things and..."
>You shake your head
>This suddenly feels all silly
"Well. I've learned a lot since then. That was years ago."
>"Noted."
"Most recently, I just made the wrong choices. The choices didn't directly lead to me losing everything... but they were a failure on my part all the same."
>You don't feel like you should go too deeply into detail
>At least, not so readily
"Last I recall, I went to a gym."
>"A gym?"
"Yeah."
>"To take your mind off of things?"
>You chuckle and pick at your fingernails
"Nah, nothing could do that. You get a gym membership, you always have a bathroom and shower. Twenty-four seven. I didn't really like it because you do it enough times and people recognize you but... a way's a way, right?"
>"I do. I'm sorry you had to do that. What happened when you were in your gym?"
"Well I was taking a shower. And I went back to my car-"
>"An automobile?"

"That's the one. I just went to shut my eyes and woke up in Canterlot. I had the clothes on my back, my pockets full, and my clothes and gadgets in a trash bag. I didn't have anything else with me since this time was... more sudden. I didn't have a chance to prepare."
>Twilight breaks eye contact from one of her journals
>"Does this mean that you met Princess Celestia?"
>Good ol' Sunbutt
"No, of course not. I woke up in some sort of... closet. I managed to sneak out before anyone saw me and then I saw a leatherworker."
>You drag up a hand and point to your rucksack
"Strapping, Sling & Offspring. I recommend them. The son took interest in some of my stuff so I... kinda traded away some things and they made that in exchange. I wager they think my old college ID will be kept as a trophy, or sold as some antique one day."
>That wasn't the... precise order of things
>But it's clean
>Safe
>Appropriate for recording and eventual retelling
>"Wow... I haven't heard of them before."
>Anon loudly coughs from wherever she is
>"Bear claws are almost ready! Hungry, dear?"
>Twilight holds up a hoof
>"Yes, please!"
"Sorry if I'm leaving out details. I guess I'm... not the best story teller. I'm surprised you wanted to interview me so quickly."
>"It's alright, Mr. Bond!"
>She can't seem to be able to say that without laughter
>"I'm very excited to learn more about humans. And, if you're new to our land, I'm happy to help you! From the sound of things, it seems like Anon will be happy to help too."
>That's one way to put it
"Yeah, sure."
>Despite the very open offer, you don't resist your need to ask
"I don't want to cause any waves. Do you know a good place I could spend a few nights?"
>You rattle off your internal checklist
>First concern?
>Safety
>Well you're in Ponyville...
>So you're pretty safe
>Next is lodging
>That is higher up than food to you
>"Hey, I mentioned my bed already! It's a done deal!"
>More shouting from across the bakery
>You don't say anything but you gesture to the source of the voice
>Twilight nods
>She probably knows Anon well enough
"I just... I want to be alone for a while, at least when it's time to wind down. Give my mind a chance to slow down. Especially if I really am... here. Which means I'm not going back."
>It took a good amount of willpower to not say "back home"
>As if you could ever have actually gone back to the last place you considered your home
>"I understand, Mr. B."
>Not a giggle
>But still a knowing smile
>"Anon may have told you, but I helped set her up with a number of temporary places she can stay. Of course, it also changes what her job is for the day, but she's very talented! I could ask around and maybe you could sleep at one of the other locations if you want privacy?"
>If it's a network Twilight is a part of, it must be legit
"What kind of jobs has she done?"

>"Well she can bake, clean, count really well, good at taking notes..."
>Twilight's eyes search over the room like she's trying to remember all of the petty sounding skills
>"You know you could have asked me, right?"
>Twilight is ignoring the bitter commentary...
>You aren't so sure if you can do the same
>"It's a lot, I can assure you!"
"Sounds legit."
>You're surprised Anon could find work at all
>You half imagined her to be some sort of charity case
"Well I can do a bit more than that. I don't want any handouts, I'll work for what I need to."
>With the show and continuity hiccups in mind, you press on something with a bit of hope
"I've... heard of the local mail mare. Derpy Hooves. Would she need help with her routes by chance...?"
>There's no use of the Elements of Harmony
>But that shouldn't erase her from existence
>Right?
>Twilight lights up, as if she weren't already illuminated by your alien tales
>"Now that is an excellent idea! I can look at you now; all packages sorted, delivered, and kept safe no matter the turbulence!"
"It helps that I don't like crashing into things. And that I walk everywhere. Because of the lack of wings."
>"I'm sold! I'll contact Derpy tomorrow. If you don't mind getting up early, would you like to join me? We can do breakfast while we're at it; my way to welcome you to Ponyville. And to Equestria!"
>Nice
>Being somewhat polite and networking has worked in your favor yet again
>You don't know how much that sort of work would pay, but you never saw Derpy want for anything
>She's pretty cute too
>As if on time, Anon comes out, balancing a plate on her head and her rump
>"Speaking of breakfast, hot claws coming through!"
>She gets in between you and Twilight and turns toward the purple book horse
>She bows down, tilting the plate off of her mane with some skill
>"That one's all yours, feel free to grab it how you like."
>You see the plate
>And a mix of pink in all of that green
>And some darker shades of green, now that you see the details
>You take the plate, flustered enough that Twilight clears her throat
"T... thanks."
>"Any time, champ. And I do mean "any"."
>"T-thank you, Anon! These look lovely, your recipe is really starting to make me wonder if even Pinkie will be able to stand up to them during the next bake sale!"
>Anon , smug and full of self worth, puffs out her chest and trots back to behind the counter
>"Anypony want anything to drink?"
>"I'm good, thank you!"
"Milk please."
>Your answer comes out so naturally, you only realize what you said after noticing what you caught an eyeful of
>Twilight seems to notice this and gives you an embarrassed smile
>She lowers her voice
>"Anon is a little... forward at times. I don't remember the last time I've seen her be this confident."
"I noticed."
>At least you aren't forced to play along like this isn't all happening the way it is
"So where is Pinkie, anyway? I didn't know she shared with Anon here."

>"Oh, she's with her family! Every now and again she visits home for a few weeks. She's a super duper party planner... but I think that after a lot of parties, she goes from super duper to super poopered out."
"Ah, nice. I can see that. What better way to recharge those batteries than to rock out with her smock out?"
>"Anon used to say the same thing! But with a different word... is that a human saying?"
>And what word could that possibly be, you wonder...
"It has to be."
>Anon comes back, balancing a glass of milk on her head
>She looks sly, like this is an accomplishment to pull off
>To be fair, you are impressed
>"Straight from the tap."
>You glance at Twilight
>The subtle nod she give tells you that she doesn't mean that tap
>You take the glass
>The milk is cold so it's definitely not from the proverbial tap
"Thanks, lass."
>The compliment has a visible effect in cheering up the mare
>Despite the fatigued aura emanating from her, it is at least offset by a genuine smile
>"You hear that, Purple? I'm a lass."
>"That's right, I heard."
>Out of nowhere, you get the most curious sense of deja vu
>Of a teacher watching her unlikely pupil grow
>Where have you felt that sense of earnest pride mixed with the acceptance of lowered expectations?
>The milk tastes nice
>You haven't had milk in years
>The bear claw itself is positively crunchy, but soft on the inside
>"I got some pushback before but I insist on swapping out the almond paste with hazelnut. Trust me, I know which nuts are the best. Mr. Bond."
>Twilight, while not visibly perturbed, scribbles something into one of her journals
"Y... yeah. In this instance? I agree. Hazelnut is exceptionally hard to beat."
>The texture is different enough but it melts on your tongue
>Twilight scarfs her pastry down
>You aren't afraid of them being spiked but it is reassuring to see her eat so freely
"So, to recap so I know how to prepare. Wear something professional for the post office and help out Derpy as needed, right? Ponyville doesn't look like the biggest place in the world so I just need a map or something."
>"That's right! I'll meet you there. If I send a letter to Princess Celestia, she will surely figure out a good wage for you. I'm sure she's aware of us finally getting a human friend to visit."
>That sounds promising
>But if that's the case, why didn't anyone roll out the red carpet for Anon?
>"Hey, mind if I go and help out too?"
>Anon chirps up, desperate to be a part of the conversation
"Don't you have here to watch out for?"
>"Nah. Tomorrow is my usual marathon ma..."
>Anon's eyes narrow and shift to Twilight
>Twilight is as nonplussed as can be, smiling
>With just a tiny bit of bear claw shrapnel on the corner of her mouth
>"Marathon... math... problem... solving..."
>"Please don't get the pages wet again, Anon."
>It's true what they say about females who are too casual with their conversations
"...alright. So... battery power?"
>"Yes! I'll look into those after I leave."
>Bitchin'

>With a sense of dread, you surrendered one of your electronics to Twilight
>One of your battery banks
>If it charges, doesn't blow up, and can even charge your other items?
>That's a big step up
>If it fails?
>You at least have the other one
>"I'll leave you two alone, thank you for the interview! Remember, bright and early tomorrow!"
>Like that, you're left alone with Anon again
>"Purple is always like that, you know. Helpful, all smiles. It's hard to tell what she's thinking sometimes."
>So you don't feel so useless, you've opted to do some dishes
>You didn't know there was a stack of plates up in Anon's room
>Somehow you aren't so shocked
"Well, it sounds like she got me a job. So that works."
>"It sure does. When I was a filly, I remembered a lot more about how to do things but I just... couldn't, here. Even writing sucked. Do you know how hard it is to write with your fucking mouth?"
"No, and I'm thankful I won't have to know."
>Anon trots in circles behind you, watching you wash
>"Fucking hands too... do you know how hard it is to wash stuff with hooves? I'm basically a walking, talking fleshlight over here."
>You can imagine
>You've always had to work with your hands in one way or another
>Lot of dumb muscle work, especially
>You couldn't do that if you were smaller or clumsier
>Even now, you may be able to really impress everyone just by virtue of being able to more carefully organize and deliver mail
>"I said I'm basically a walking, talking fleshlight."
>The last times you were a hobo, you usually had a job
>Accumulating money wasn't the hard part
>Finding a place to live was
>Friends or family could help out
>If you had any
>Any sort of hotel would be three times the price of an apartment
>Apartments would go up in price every year
>And the furnishing
>Fuck furnishing, even filling the fridge or freezer would take such a high amount
>Your clothing would have cost nearly a grand alone if it weren't for the sales they had
>At least they're all durable
>Meant to be resistant to cuts, scraps, punctures
>Everything needed for a roaming v-
>"Look at me before I scream, you fucking fag."
>That snaps you out of your near meditative state
>You roll your eyes and half-turn to see the green mare openly presenting to you
>"I'm a fleshlight. And I'm free."
>You can only be coy in pretending that you don't know mare anatomy well
>Whatever spark was stoked has led to a full forest fire
>And the fire marshal is out to lunch
"You're something alright."
>You're not gonna lie
>Cranking it in the woods isn't your precise cup of tea
>But your mind is just too occupied to fall victim to the coomer ways
>You turn back to focus on the dishes
>How in the world does a pony use soapy water without tasting the soap after?
>Or is it that they don't use the soap and the dishes are covered in pony saliva?
>...
>You hope the dishes you grabbed were only coated in mouth saliva
>A frustrated growl comes from behind
>"You fucking loser, what's the deal?"

"What's what deal?"
>You can talk and wash
>Best to not look at the green pony, lest you encourage her
>"Your deal! Twilight said she'll get you a job, you're gonna be paid by Sunbutt herself, now isn't the time to fucking do dishes and mope around! Now's the time to fuck the everloving shit out of some poor, abandoned pony into loving you!"
>There is anger in her voice
>True fury
>You know that tone
>You've spoken in that tone
>Like a tempting poison, it has made you look for reasons to deploy it
>But the tone, itself, is poisoned with something else
>Desperation
>Madness
>Something you wouldn't call healthy
"Nah. Thanks, I'm not into the nohooves. But right now... I don't know. I just got a lot to think about right now."
>Your hands are bright pink from how hot the water is
>It's just hot enough to make you want to stop
>But not hot enough where you need to stop
>"What's to think about? You aren't going to find anywhere better than here, you know. You aren't going to make any friends better than the ones you'll find here."
>The mare's voice turns bitter
>Snide
>"You aren't ever going home, man. You're going to die here."
>It isn't just her words that caused your body to react
>And it wasn't just that poking, trollish tone to help rub it in
>It was that it was true
>It takes you a second to realize what you just did
>You turned around and whipped a plate down, vertically
>It shattered into dozens of pieces, maybe a foot away from the mare's flank
>The look in her eye
>It's the look that comes from being told "you're going to die here"
>Neither of you move
>Or blink
>Or breathe
>That poison
>So deliciously bolstering
>You could do worse
>You could do so much worse
>If you really were fine with the consequences
"I need a broom."
>What felt like entire minutes of silence ended in a second by your demand
>You wouldn't apologize
>You learned that apologies are weakness
>You don't necessarily believe it
>Even if people do take advantage of weakness
>Anon, fearful and shocked, just nods
>You return to your washing
>God damn it
>You aren't the sort to do that
>And you aren't the sort of dipshit to ruin someone else's items
>What if that was a priceless family plate?
>What then, vagrant?
>You refuse to budge from your spot or stop until you finish the rest of the dishes
>You check every single one to see if they're somehow stamped or have a factory mark
>No dice
>All of them look like they're hand painted
>Hoof painted?
>Ponies probably paint with their mouths too, don't they
>By the end of it all, your hands are pruned up and raw
>Fuck
>"I got that broom for you."
>Mare's voice again
>She sounds quiet
>Meek
"Thanks."
>You should clean up but you just stand there
>You'll move when you're ready
>When your legs don't feel like boulders
>"I'm sorry. I really am."
>The tremble in your lip and jaw says you are better off not responding
>Who knows what poison you'll spit

>You count to ten
>Inhale
>Count to eight
>Exhale
>You aren't so focused that you can stick with the ten second rule
>Playing Wolfenstein taught you that
>It works
>Not because breathing itself helps, but because counting and focusing your mind on something so small distracts you from what's angering you
>It's not a way to sooth, but more distract until there is a natural subside
>Six cycles in, you finally turn around
>The broom is comically small but you make it work
>The wood section the plate impacted has just the tiniest bumps
>A scar, to always remind others of your failure
>Something that could go back to impact you down the line in unknown ways
>Anon thought well enough ahead to include a dust pan
>Without a word, she points you to the back door
>You duck out just long enough to dump the evidence of your failure
>With the matter settled as well as it could be, you return to the front where your limited property is spread out
>That is all that you own
>Not even a plate of your own
>Or a spoon
>You don't even own a fucking spoon
>Anon tries to hide the volume of her hooves clopping on the floor while returning to you
>"I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me. You're the only guy I've ever met since I was reborn here. If you go off and... just go. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up."
>Her pitiable tone and stance is as defeated as you imagine a pony can look
>You still can't answer
>You don't have it in you to pursue this circle jerk of emotions
>You've already been there and done that
>"You can do whatever you want. I won't tell anypony."
>It's a sorrowful admission
>Acceptance for the inevitable
>So why not take her up on it?
>You grab the bootleg Gameboy
"Come here. You ever see something like this?"
>Since you're talking about something you like, it's natural to sound excited
>Anon's brow lowers at it
>"It's... a Gameboy. But it has shoulder buttons?"
"Yup. It can emulate PSP games too."
>"You're kidding."
"Nope. Lemme show you what I have on it. Last I checked, I have around eight hundred games on it. As far back as the Super Nofriendo to as recent as PSP, and everything in between."
>You scoot back until your back is too the wall
>You sit with your legs open wide
>Taking the cue, Anon skitters to your front with haste
>She sits between your legs, openly pushing back on your front
>With your arms back in front of you, both of you can see the screen
"I used the last of my bank to charge this up. It's at 100% now, so that's around five or so hours. Lot better than the Deck or Switch."
>"Jesus. What did it cost you?"
"About the price of two big name games."
>You won't lie
>Having any sort of warm body in contact with you is nice
>You haven't touched another living being in months
>You probably haven't had a hug in... at least four years
"Now I'm gonna start scrolling. You find something you like, I'll play it."
>"...that's pretty sweet. You got Battletoads?"
"Don't be a faggot."

>It feels warm
>You haven't felt this warm in a while
>You miss her
>Silly and high-maintenance
>Took years to adjust to people
>But she was your best buddy
>If only you could have made smarter choices that first time, you...
>...
>...
>. . . ?
>You sharply inhale and bring your head up
>You fell asleep
>You look down and see the chubby green mare cozied up to you
>Not just cozied up
>But pressed hard into you
>You feel your shirt sticking to you
>It's near her mouth so you can only presume it's that sort of drool
>Your handheld is...
>You press the power button
>Good, it automatically shut off
>61% power
>The clock on it was off even when you were on earth, by around six hours
>You never felt the need to change the date on it
>Given it seems to be even further away from the apparent time here...
>It's the equivalent of maybe midnight
"Ah... crap."
>You missed out on your chance for a dinner
>You're a bit thirsty
>And you really aren't that comfortable on the wood floor
>At least dirt and grass eventually yields
>You nudge at the mare
>Whether or not she's tired, you need to get up
"Hey, wake up. You need to go to bed."
>The response you get is a drawn out groan
>"I'm ok. You can be my bed."
>Somehow you were expecting that
"Get up. I need to pee."
>Silence
>You get the feeling that she's trying to find a way to talk you out of moving
>"...Yeah, I got nothing. Make liquid with your solid snake."
>She drags herself to her hooves and moves just far away to safely plop back down
>You make your way outside into the crisp Ponyville night life
>If there is any night life
>It's dead quiet out, safe for the nocturnal life
>It really is picturesque
>The sky, too...
>Those aren't just satellites
>Those are all stars
>You watch the sky while following the main road out into the wilderness
>You don't like the lack of toilet paper so after doing your business, you grab some leaves to at least attempt to dry yourself with
>Washing machines that fit human clothes are few and far between
>You may have bathed in a far-too-chilly stream a few times but you haven't been able to snag any soap for yourself either
>You can argue whether or not the lack of security is a mind killer
>Or your inability to prepare food in any way
>But feeling dirty
>Feeling like an animal
>The sheer accumulation of dirt
>Disgusting
>You don't rush to go back to the bakery
>You don't have anywhere you need to be, and you can't just stop dead asleep
>It gives you a chance to see at least a good portion of Ponyville
>The houses
>The sparse lamp lights that almost aren't even needed
>The lack of stranger or danger
>Except for you
>Even if you don't have any intention of being hostile, how many ponies would know that?
>They freaked out about a zebra
>You're at least three levels of weirder by clothing and accent alone
"I don't get how you can live in this place and be so..."

>Bored?
>Mal-adjusted?
>You can see how it would suck
>But you can also see how much better it could be
>Start fresh
>Fit in
>How hard could it be to have a normal job?
>Be able to afford whatever you want, without a lifetime of bills?
>But Anon...
>You shrug
"Who's to say if I would do any better?"
>You would probably go crazy if you kept all of your old memories
>Or if you left behind anyone
>Or if they even remember you
>Or care
>Would anyone truly care if you were never found again?
>The train of thought, turning sour, makes you divert down another road
>One house is still lit up
>Sounds like Mayor Mare practicing a speech
>That's a silly pony right there
>Maybe it's time to head back
"At least most of my clothes are still clean. Always a good pillow in a pinch."
>Maybe this time if you wake up, you'll be back in your car
>The hopeful impossibility sticks to your mind all the way back to the bakery
>You should be surprised to see Anon sitting outside
>Waiting for you
>But you aren't
"You normally stay up so late?"
>"I couldn't sleep knowing that some human could be out there raping ponies."
>You scoff and blow her off with a lazy hand gesture
"Please. If even a quarter of them act like you do, I'd have gotten at least five invitations to share a bed that's a bit too tiny."
>You don't think you would be able to take them up on the offer though
>"So... this mean that if I want you to come up to my room, you won't?"
>As tempted as you are to say "yes"...
"No. That's alright. It's not mine and, technically, it isn't yours either."
>You walk past her back into the building
>Even at night, the smell of fresh sweetness makes you think a batch of cupcakes were finished just minutes ago
>You could kill for some banana bread, personally
>Without ceremony, you kick off your boots, scoop up some of your clothes, and lay down
>If you lay just right, you don't feel the floor poking at your ribs
>Much better
>Anon flops down in front of you, her head landing next to yours
>Uncomfortably close
>Gazing at you
"Can I help you?"
>"A good night kiss would be nice."
"Dream on, horse-shaped witty insult."
>You close your eyes and inhale
>You don't need to see to tell that she's pushed her face closer to yours now
>You're breathing her breath
>"...just a little one?"
>You huff and puff
>You aim to blow in her face to show her wh-
>She leans in and steals a kiss
>God damn it
>You aren't so spastic that you feel bothered by this, but you just aren't in the mood, this isn't the time or place
>And to be honest, you're just not into that shit right now
>You get distracted, you're screwed
>"Tee-hee."
>Her monotone voice has the most minimal sign of elation
>"Now I can't get married."

"You can't get married because you're annoying."
>"Wrong, I can't get married because the stallions are normies and I scare them."
>She is not moving away
>You flip sides
>Rather face the wall than deal with this
"It's not that they're normies, you're just a pain in the ass."
>With a definitive grunt, you finish your argument
"Now go to bed. I got work in the morning. Not all of us can bounce from house to house and do the bare minimum."
>That seemed to hit some form of nerve
>You hear hooves clopping and a grunt
>"Yeah well... maybe you should stop trying to act like you're so above it all, dude. If I were Twilight you'd be balls deep so fast her horn would spin."
>Whether or not that is true, you don't answer
>If you just ignore her, she'll go away
>...
>Probably like what a lot of ponies already do
>You can tell that she isn't moving away
>It's just that feeling
>"...You know, I have a Halloween horn. I can pretend to be a unicorn."
"Good night, fat discount Twiggy."
>That elicits an excited giggle
>She wasn't expecting you to play along with that
>As long as it lets you go to sleep

>Morning sun comes too quick
>You slept like the dead but you could honestly be fine with sleeping another hour
>Or eight
>The urge to sleep has never been so strong, when things are so overall stressful
>You can do your best to stay focused and keep a hard nose
>But you'd give a lot to just be able to chill for a few days and play video games without concern
>Deciding against being a bother, you pack up your rucksack and sit outside
>Twilight should be on her way
>Or Derpy
>Someone should be getting to you soon
>A number of ponies are out already
>A lot of them look at you like you're an alien but all you do is wave at them
>Most return a wave and a smile
>That must be all it really takes to win over the local fauna
>Twilight does eventually show up
>Chipper, bright, eager for the day
>Given the number of anons that love her so deeply, would they be able to compliment that drive?
>"Good morning, Mr. B! Have a good sleep?"
"Naturally."
>As amused as ever, she pays no mind at the ponies listening in on their conversation before wandering off
>"How was your first night in Ponyville? I'm sorry I couldn't provide anything better. I'm sure Anon..."
>She purposefully trails off
>As if you're supposed to fill in the details
"Was fine. I just slept on the floor, where my bag was."
>She looks surprised
>"Really? I'm sure she would have offered you her room."
"No, she did. But I'm still a worthless bum. I got bigger concerns."
>Your harsh view more seems to bring out sadness than anything else
>"Oh my, that isn't the case at all! Every pony goes through some tough times, sometimes. Even Anon went through some rough spots!"
>You aren't looking for some sort of pity party
>But you also don't want to drag this out
"I suppose so. But for the now, was the post office somewhere I could help out with?"
>"Absolutely! You'll do great! But our main mailmare is a little..."

"Derpy?"
>"Yeah! You've met her?"
"I've heard some stories."
>"That's great! I'll lead the way for us."
>You shuck your ruck with a grunt and a buck
"So how-"
>"So how-"
>Twilight laughs at the simultaneous question
>"Ha ha, I'm sorry. What were you going to ask?"
>She's certainly a kind one, isn't she?
"Ah, sorry. I was going to ask how that battery bank was going. Do you have much electricity in Equestria?"
>"Of course we do! Have you ever heard of Maretropolis or Manehattan?"
"Vaguely, I don't remember those episodes."
>"Ha, Anon said the same things! What about Fillydelphia?"
"I've heard it's always sunny there."
>"I wish! One of my pen pals is from there and she says it rains a whole lot this time of year."
"So that means we should be good?"
>"I think so! I don't know how to... plug it in? But if that doesn't work right, we can always use a bit of good ol' fashion magic!"
"That... that's safe. Right?"
>"Of course! I think."
>Great
>You may lose your battery bank but in return you'll have an electro-magic bomb
>You can commit war crimes despite not being at war with anyone
>"Ta-da! The Ponyville post office!"
>Twilight makes a sharp right and strikes a pose in front of...
>To be honest, it doesn't look like a post office that you know of
>It just looks like a small house
>The two comically sized letter envelopes on the roof do help show that the place, indeed, is the final word in letters
>"Derpy may be out running a few errands but she'll be here soon! There's also Parcel Post! He's our post master, so I think he'll be your main boss. He's an earth pony like Anon, so the good news is that you won't have to ride a blimp to follow him around!"
>She smiles with a squee
>It lasts only long enough for her to get lost in thought
>"...She's a pegasus. In case you didn't know."
"So I've heard.

>New jobs are always rough
>You feel out of place
>You're surrounded by things you have no context over
>Even if you're familiar with the basics, there are thousands of little details that you just don't know
>...
>The post office doesn't feel like a new job
>Or even a job at all, honestly
>Parcel Post was happy to meet you, even if you towered over him
>It took no time at all to sort out letters and packages by name
>All thirty of them
>Apparently that was a moderate day
>You never saw Derpy but you didn't mind
>You talked hobbies a lot
>He had over two hundred types of stamps
>You discussed your own hobbies
>You doubt you could enjoy them in Equestria
>You were tempted to ask him about how the mares were...
>But you got the idea that he didn't care too much about them
>Not in that particular way
>But still a bro
>"Oh, by the way! A package for you. We had such a good day, I almost forgot about it."
"Yeah?"
>He chomps down on a box from beneath his sorting desk, whipping it up into the air
>It lands on your desk without even a single bounce
"...Woah. Nice sling, king."
>You rotate it as if it were some Resident Evil key item
>It's professionally wrapped, sealed, stamped and everything
>But it's lacking a "to" or "from"
>You carefully rip into it
>But who can truly be careful when it feels like Christmas?
>The box itself is merely a façade
>Inside is a large fabric pouch
>On it is a pair of embroidered letter envelopes
"It's not empty."
>"Nope... looks pretty full, if you ask me."
>It isn't
>You open the bag, noting that it can be closed again through a woven cord
>Coins
>True blue Equestrian coinage
>You thought you'd see Celestia's face on them
>Or her butt
"...How much is in here?"
>"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiit's enough to pay for two weeks' worth of wages. And a little extra."
>You're at a complete loss
>You look at the smiling postal dork
"You're kidding. I can't take this."
>"Sure you can! It means you'll be here for the next two weeks at least, right?"
>You want to ask where he got the money from
>Was it his own?
>Twilight?
>Sunbutt?
"Well. Yeah. Of course, yeah."
>There was no way you were going up just up and leave now
>At least not until you worked enough to cover the amount you were actually paid
"I don't know what to say. How much is this?"
>"Enough where you can take care of yourself, Bond."
>Oh yeah
>You did give him that goofy alias
"Thanks. I will. I... uh."
>You're not really sure what to do next
"I'll do that."
>Without much else, you grab the pouch, toss it from hand to hand a few times... and fasten the cord to one of your belt loops
>Maybe it's a little tacky to have on display
>But fuck it, you're no longer dirt poor
>You reclaim your rucksack, lingering out of a sense of...
>Is it guilt?
"Thanks for the help, Post. I mean it."
>"If that's true, then you're gonna help me sort my new batch of Saddle Arabian stamps! They're due in two days."
"Bring 'em on."
>If work in Equestria is this easy, how bad could Anon have it?


>You were confident when you left
>With your pay received in advance, what could you do?
>In a rush, you had to ask what you couldn't do
>You could eat like a king, finally
>Rent a room
>Have a hot shower
>The possibilities were limitless
>Until it landed
>The momentary euphoria was eroded by the sinking feeling of not knowing what anything cost
>Would five bits be equivalent of five bucks?
>How much was even five bucks, back home?
>You didn't count your coinage, so you don't have a precise measurement of how long it can last you
>And that's all you're getting for the next two weeks from there
>No
>This isn't an opportunity to celebrate, even if you had something worth celebrating
>This is just a shaky first step forward
>The first of a thousand
>Having gracefully defeated your own elation, you head back to Sugarcube Corner
>Exhaustion and a thick blanket of malaise dictate that sleep is more important
>Real sleep
>Not just an uncomfortable nap where you wake up to check your phone every two hours
>Not like you'll ever have to worry about reception again
>No one's at the bakery, which is hard to believe
>Maybe it's because Pinkie's out and Anon is in
>You don't think you'd be a regular customer either if the staff on duty was some fat green pervert
>You set your rucksack down to the side as soon as you enter, taking a seat beside it
>At least now you can count your bits
>Eighty
>What does that mean to you?
>It isn't even a hundred
>If you look at food, you're screwed on being able to cook or really prepare anything
>So that means the pony equivalent of fast food
>Whatever fast food you can eat
>You can buy tools...
>How many weeks' worth of pay will that take?
>Where will you stay during that time, and how much will that cost?
>You really want to just sleep
>All of these unknowns are really starting to dig into your head
>Moving is easy
>Being in the moment means you don't have time to second guess or hesitate
>But now you have nearly an entire day before you go back to work
>Twilight hasn't confirmed if she can recharge your gadgets
>If she can't, what then?
>Are you just going to hold onto pieces of plastic that don't hold any further practical value?
>You already got rid of your wallet and IDs
>Of course, you can always track those down and buy them back whenever you get the means
>"Woah, look at Mr. Moneybags here. That the only sack you're gonna empty in front of me?"
>How long has Anon been sitting there?
>She looks impressed
>And like she just woke up
"One sack too many as is. Do you know how much this is?"
>She nods
>And yawns
>And is still yawning
>...
>...
>...
>It's still going
>Is she doing this on purpose?
>Stopping herself from nearly falling back, she focuses her glazed over eyes to your stacks of bits
>"Enough where we could eat like a Princess for a month."
"No, fuck that. I need to start a nest egg and buy some gear."
>"Gonna shoot up your workplace already?"

"I'd rather start here with you as my main target."
>"Fill me with even more holes. Thanks."
>You ignore her train of commentary
>It won't lead to anything worthwhile
"I need cooking utensils. Camping gear. Stuff that'll be worthwhile."
>"Why? You don't need to cook when ponies have invented beds."
>You calmly communicate to Anon that she is a complete jackass through a harsh stare
"You see a bed around here?"
>"No, because this is the where the bakery is. Dumbass."
>You've just about had it wi-
>"But my bed is pretty big, you know. Same with wherever I end up going next."
>You think you recall hearing something about that
"You or Twilight mentioned that you don't have any singular home, right?"
>"Yup. Pretty sweet deal, I hardly have to clean up after myself."
>She sounds almost proud of herself
"Why?"
>Anon shrugs it off like it's nothing
>"Equestrian NEETbux, I guess. I work a little, I help out with stuff, I let ponies poke me about Earth and I get to live easy."
>Given she's the only pony you've seen in such a state, you can't help but wonder...
"How much do you actually remember about Earth?"
>"Enough. I remember vidya pretty well, and anime. Imagine explaining Evangelion to ponies. And then saying that it's one of the most popular animes ever."
"Do you even remember Evangelion that well?"
>Anon doesn't look so confident
>"Well... yeah. Who doesn't remember the key details?"
"How long have you even been here? Obviously, enough to grow up from. What did you say, you were reborn?"
>Anon sighs
>She rolls her eyes to try to shrug it away
>"I remember enough. Maybe I remember more about being a pony than being a human, but so what? That doesn't change the fact that I am a human."
"Was."
>"Same difference."
>Not really
"...You remember how old you were, at least?"
>"No."
"Last job?"
>"...no."
>You want to ask if she even remembers any human family
"So who are your parents here?"
>"Jesus, you say you aren't interested in me but you're asking me twenty questions here."
"Well... it's kinda weird, isn't it? Being here. Being a human. You're a pony."
>You poke her chest to accentuate the obvious
"And if you're on this quasi-disabled housing plan, where are your pony folks?"
>Anon slumps
>More so than normal
>You didn't think ponies could have such bad posture
>"I don't know. Twilight said I was found outside in a basket. There was a notebook with it, in a language she didn't understand."
"That could have been in English."
>You lean forward, ready to get up if given the right answer
"Where is it?"
>"Dust."
"W...what?"
>Anon sneers with averted eyes
>"I got mad at Purple one day because I thought she was lying to me. Hiding something I needed to know. I thought she wanted to stop me from going home."
>She may say that she was mad but the remorse on her face is crippling
>"So I took it. Ripped out pages. Threw it in a fireplace. Told her that she'll get what she wants because now neither of us would ever know how it'll get me back."

>She forces a laugh
>"And you wanna know the funny part?"
>She doesn't wait for an answer
>"She used to say that she hid it from me because I already had a habit of acting out. I tore up one of her favorite stories just by being some... fucking stupid foal. And she was right."
>She stares at you
>"She was completely right. She was worried I'd fuck it up, but said it too nicely. And I fucking fucked it all up."
>You're worried she may cry but she doesn't get more emotional than the shell-shocked stare
>You weren't expecting this deeper admission
>You aren't sure what to say to that
>"So. Yeah. I... I don't know my parents. And everyone treats me a bit like a pity project. And I don't remember enough to even know if that book was in English."
>There's no escaping this conversation
>And you aren't lowering yourself to her perceived level and turn this into a sexual thing
"It sounds like you've been waiting to tell someone that."
>"I've been waiting for someone to tell me it was in some alien language."
"And not English?"
>"Yes."
>You brought out a game to play last night, so...
"Well, alright. You remember Final Fantasy. Obviously."
>"Better than you remember how to jack off."
>Whether or not that's a twitch response, that's a good sign that she isn't so completely lost
>As exhausted as you are, this is giving you a focus
"Good. Then you should be able to read it."
>One position swap later and she's sitting between your legs again
>You didn't particularly ask for this but you can't just have all of that get thrown at you and not do anything
>You decide to load up your FF9 save
>You've started a new file at least ten times
>And you keep getting filtered three or so hours in
>Maybe it doesn't help that you've completed it so many times since childhood
"Alright, easy. So I take it you can read this just fine."
>"Well yeah. Your skills suck by the way."
>You don't really have any skills available, since it is still the start of the game
"So what's this?"
>"Trash."
"And this one?"
>"Also trash."
"How about this one."
>"Keep it."
"...well alright. Have you even played this one before? I like those first two ones."
>"Well yeah, of course. I remember Vivi, he was in everything for a while."
"In that case, what do you think of the name I gave him?"
>A pause
>"...Gay."
"Seriously?"
>"Yeah. I was worried that this was gonna be hard."
"...I guess so."
>"Thanks for checking with me. I knew I wasn't crazy."
>Her confidence seems to be back to it's usual level
>Whatever counts as "usual" for an apathetic, almost mocking tone
>"You look wiped out. If I bake you an early dinner, can we talk shit about your waifu?"
>You scoff from the sheer audacity
"How the hell is my waifu shit?"
>"Because you have shit taste."
>Anon pushes her flank against your stomach before trotting off
>"Otherwise you'd be alllllll over me."
>Emotional rollercoaster that situation was... it's at least over now
>You should feel relieved
>But
>You didn't change Vivi's name

>You empty your rucksack enough for it to act as a decent pillow
>Do you break this to Anon?
>No
>She's mentally unstable enough as is
>Even you can tell that and you haven't spoken to her for more than a full day it feels like
>Twilight...
>She's autistic
>But the good kind
>It means she may have copied the script down somewhere
>Or at least have a good memory
>Is that any of your business, though?
>You need to take care of yourself
>Your eyes close
>Once you establish yourself, you can go and help out
>If you have no choice in the matter
>You're in Ponyville and you haven't had the energy to even chase after Flutterbutt
>You can only imagine how soft her coat would be
>If you can put on your best Q impersonation, maybe that would make her melt?
>Imagine what you could do if you found Rainbow Dash, too
>How fast do those hips...
>...
>...
>...
>A hoof pokes at your stomach
>"Hey, wake up."
>RD sounds weird
>Come here
>She's faster but you're stronger
>"H-hey, watch it, they're still hot!"
>Good thing you're a southerner
>You like hot wings
>"...well if you aren't gonna wake up..."
>...Wait
>RD doesn't smell like sweets
>And shame
>You open your eyes just in time to see Anon leaning in for a kiss
>The last micro-second before lips come in contact, you slide your hand up
>She ends up not just kissing your palm, but her tongue lashes out at it
>Like a freaking mouth hugger's proboscis
"What seems to be your malfunction?"
>She stops
>If her eyes were opened before, they're tightly closed now
>"...nuht-then."
>You shove your palm into her face to push her away
>To your horrific dismay, your hand forces it's way into her mouth
>She's as surprised as you are disgusted
>Ponies do have big mouths, don't they
"I close my eyes for three minutes and you try to pull this shit. Who are you, Bruce Willis?"
>"Ahmm mhmm?"
>She pushes your hand out of her mouth with a flour-caked hoof
>"You were out for over an hour. You kept mumbling so I presumed you were either talking to me or... I don't know, having a stroke?"
>With a grimace, you smear your saliva-coated hand over her coat
"So your answer to me having a stroke was to drown me in your spit."
>"No, my answer of gargling your tonsils came from you saying you wanted to cum in me."
"I absolutely did not say such a thing."
>"How do you know?"
"Because you don't have wings and I want to cum in something that has the ability to go fast."
>"And yet you bitch that I'm moving fast."
"Fucking..."
>This wasn't even really cute before but you're too tired for this shit
"What do you even want?"
>"I said I was going to bake an early dinner. Do you even remember half the crap I say to you?"
>Oh yeah
>You think you recall that
>You could use fun
>But you could use sleep more
"You're not much of a home maker, are you."
>You aren't wanting to directly insult her yet again, at least right now
>But the kitchen looks like a mess
>The fire going on probably isn't supposed to be like that

>"Hey I'm out of practice, ok? Cooking used to be my specialty, you know."
"Used to?"
>"You gotta be motivated to do stuff like that."
>Because you lack the means and energy to escape, you're subjected to Anon's idea of an early dinner
>More bear claws
>Eggs
>Biscuits that are not quite uniform in shape
>A bowl of melted cheese?
>"Well don't act so shocked."
>Do you compliment the shapes?
>Are the shapes on purpose?
>Why the cheese?
"I am shocked. I haven't seen a spread like this in... I don't remember how long."
>It isn't quite a compliment but Anon takes it as one
>"Heh. Good. I'm not that out of practice."
>You don't know about that
>You end up eating near twice as much as Anon does
>The cheese makes for a good dip for the biscuits
>By the end of it, you're both bloated with a sense of satisfaction
>"Ahh... that was good stuff. You won't find that in a Canterlot kitchen."
>Anon is on her back, legs splayed out
>All you can think is that she looks a bit like road kill
"Well their biscuits wouldn't look like that."
>"Of course not. They lack my flair."
"I'm exhausted..."
>You've tried to be nice about it
>Or avoid it
>But fuck it
>You've slept on dirt or hard flooring since you ended up in horse world
"I don't even care right now, man. I'm tired. My shit stinks. I haven't been around soap. I need a hot bath. If you've been offering, can I at least take a bath somewhere?"
>Anon's head immediately lifts up
>"Why yes. Yes you can."
>You're taken upstairs to an outright extravagant bedroom
>A pink, heart-decorated door is your goal
>Beyond it
>Sweet Celestian winking it's a bath tub
"Oh fucking finally."
>Anon readies the bath with impressive speed
>Soap suds here
>A... bath bomb... there?
>Whatever
>You're in some girly pony house
>Worse
>In some girly pony's bathroom
>You're gonna reek like Pink no matter how you slice it
>"Alright, ready."
>Anon returns to you
>And sits
"...thanks."
>What are you going to do, pet her?
>She's waiting for something
>You look around the bathroom and shrug
"Do I need to do something else?"
>"I'll take your clothes for you."
"Get out before I drown you in bright purple and pink bubbles."
>"I can scrub your back?"
>...
>You feel like this is going to have to be your payment
"Dude. Seriously."
>"Ok, fine."
>Anon puffs out her cheeks and struts off
>"No jerking off in the tub either."
"Out."
>"Unless you really need to."
"Now!"
>You assist her exit with a too-gentle kick in the flank and close the door behind her
>Finally, a bath
>Man was not meant to go so long without soap and hot water


>God bless baths
>Celestia bless them, even
>Shit gym showers
>Gas station showers
>Cleaning yourself in a chilly pond
>Watching for stray snapping turtles or stray ponies
>It all led up to this
>You don't even mind that you can only smell cotton candy and mare
>The smell's nice too
>...
>Too good to smell like Anon
>Must be the scent of Pinkie
>That
>Is glorious
>You nearly dissolve in the tub but manage to slink out and wring yourself dry
>With your sinuses, throat and very soul cleansed all you need are a few q-tips
>You don't question the collection of comically sized cotton swabs
>Could be a pony thing
>Could be a Pinkie thing
>Doesn't matter
>You shove those halfway into your skull to ensure maximum cleanliness
>You are man
>You have conquered the elements to enjoy civilization once more
>You also don't know for sure if you'll be able to take a second shower here so you better just enjoy it for now
>You already have that plate to explain, after all
>With a towel wrapped around the waist, you walk out in a cloud of pretty smelling steam
>You're fed
>Clean
>And dogshit tired
>At least Anon looks happy to see you
>She's on Pinkie's bed, flopped on her side
>"Damn you smell pretty. Did you clean everywhere?"
"I cleaned enough to wash your mouth out just through pure proximity."
>You see a few piles of books everywhere
>You get the feeling most of them haven't been touched
"Were you just... waiting here?"
>"For you to swab my mouth out with your proximity? No. Don't be retarded."
>Anon flops over to her other side
>She could use a bath too
>Or maybe it's just how her mane looks so flat compared to every pony else
>"I was thinking of what we could do tomorrow. You're new to town, you got money, we can tot-"
"I got work."
>You roll her over a few times and collapse on the bed
>Sweet Jesus it feels so good your back actually hurts from the confusing world of comfort
>"Fuck that! Call in sick or something."
"I'm not just going to leave the place hanging."
>"Why not? I did whenever I had to sort mail."
>You yank a pillow out from under her green belly, to claim for your own head
"That's because you're a lazy shit."
>"You say that but you're the one who's without a paddle. I have connections."
"What you have, is pity."
>"Same thing."
>You bury your head in the pillow to yawn
>You're far too tired for this
>Equestria
>Starting out from zero
>...
>What was left behind
>You would do a lot better just not having the chance to stop and think
>Maybe if you just focus on tomorrow
>Derpy's pretty cute
>Would you be able to chill with her?
>You're not sure where to find any muffins
>Is it a moral problem to hit on the derp-eyed mare?
>"...hey, don't you snore while I'm talking to you."
>You were snoring?
>Impossible
"Hm? Sorry, start again."
>"I was going to. So ungrateful..."
>You can hear Anon huff and stamp around on the bed
>Like a cat trying to make her bed after being disturbed

>"I said, when I was a filly I convinced every pony in Ponyville that humans had psychic powers. I actually managed to get in a pretty big battle with Applebloom. Foals died, you know."
"I don't believe you."
>"Well... they almost died. Applejack caught us and tanned our flanks. She's such the fucking worst waifu, she wasn't fun at all. I asked her if she liked the taste of Big Mac's ligmas. She didn't even give me the chance to say "balls", she was so steamed."
>How interesting
>Mind-numbingly interesting
>"...You know, I think I used to have a big sister like her. When I was a human."
>When she was a human...
>Is there any chance that she could be lying?
>She knows too much to be a mere pony
>And that outburst she first had
>If you were a pony...
>"Another time, I caught RD nutting in a cloud. She said she had an itch but I knew... you try to fool me and say those hooves aren't mashing? Pu-leaaaaase."
>This dull, monotonous voice
>It's actually not that bad
>The change in volume is so minor that it sounds like white noise
>"Speaking of, you've been in Equestria for how many days now?"
"Weeks."
>Weeks, plural
>And many, many miles
>"Dude, you've been here for weeks and haven't even sunk your flag in one pony? Jesus... you gay or something?"
"No."
>"Sure... If I had a dick, I would go "oh hey, Purple. You wanna check my book marker?" And then I go wuuh-paw, slap it down. Heheheh..."
>The creepy giggling from this mare is making you question things
"What were you as a human?"
>Your question causes Anon to audibly trip up
>"I... well what kind of question is that? Isn't it obvious?"
"My gut says fujoshi."
>Good thing you can speak with your eyes closed
>Even if your focus is near it's logistical limits
>"...what?"
"I'm saying you're a dyke with bepis envy."
>You nuzzle the pillow
"Deal with it."
>"That... no, I wasn't that! There's no way I was even close to that."
>Silence
>Finally, a chance to rest
>"I wasn't some old timer. I guess I remember that much at least."
>It's not that you don't care
>But to be fair, you don't
>But you just need to be able to clear your mind
>"...Is it bad if I said I didn't remember? I mean, I do. Obviously. But. You know."
"Who cares?"
>That's your only answer
>"...well it matters to me. I care. I think."
>The next thing you're cognizant of, a blanket is over you
>Feels nice
>All of the lights went down too, or were turned off fully
>"I wanna tell you some more stories about me. You wanna listen?"
>Not really
"Sure."
>You cap off your response with a dire yawn
>There's no way you're going to last another minute at this rate
>"Cool. Well... when I was a filly, I..."
>Her words mesh into relaxed, dull diatribes and badly mimicked voices
>It isn't the worst thing you've listened to
>"....earned how to start fires with just my tail and a..."
>If it helps her out, where's the harm?
>She's satisfied in sharing
>You can sleep
>"...you're not listening, are you."
>...
>"...Good night."
"Guh'ni"
>"Heh, knew it."



>Despite your fatigue, you wake up without any alarm
>The concern of missing your second day of work plagued the back of your mind more than the sinking feeling you got upon learning that the names were difficult to read
>It wasn't a complete loss, as many letters had cutie marks added to the names
>But how far would that really take you?
>It was the first day of work, after all
>No matter how many new starts you have, there are always the new gig jitters
>You sit up, plainly aware that you went to sleep with just a towel wrapped around your waist
>By the looks of it, the towel went unmolested
>The would-be molester, however...
>Anon is sleeping on her back
>Nuzzling a Twilight doll
>Is that normal to ponies or is it merely some autism support toy?
>You're a little too worried to ask Twilight
>As much as you want to bug her on the power supply update, work has to come first
>If you keep that going without issue, you can build a reputation
>Build a reputation, and any possible future failures will be...
>Mitigated
>You slink away from the bed back to the bathroom
>There is a toilet
>Despite what fiction told you, ponies do indeed have indoor plumbing
>And it is glorious
>You could stand to buy some toilet paper for yourself, too...
>But...
>As you use it, only one question comes to mind
>How does the Pinkie Pie
>Use
>The toilet paper...?
>...
>Best not think too hard
>As ready as can be expected, you slink downstairs with the pile of your dirty clothes
>Now that you're in town, and got paid, you can figure out who you can take laundry to
>Ponies may get by on mostly wearing nothing but you don't have the grapes to swing everything out in public without concern
>You strip off your towel and put the dirty clothing on it
>New underwear
>Shirt
>Pants
>Bam, you're in business again
>You could still use a good shave but you're feeling better than ever since the last...
>Has it been a month already?
>A month has already passed...
>Feels like a matter of hours
"Well. Better than sleeping all day, right?"
>As if your past self could answer
>Your ruck lighter due to the change of clothes, you slip it on and slip out the door
>Going off of your phone...
>You're already over an hour away from having to be there
>But you have nowhere else to be or nothing else to do so why not hurry up and wait?
>Barely any ponies are awake at this timei
>Those that are seem to just be roaming around
>One watering her flowers waves a hoof
>None of them seem to be afraid of you despite being a hulking naked flesh beast wearing fabrics
>Could this be due to Anon?
>Twilight?

>Probably a mix of the two
>How old even is Twilight, at this point?
>Canon doesn't seem to be the case here
>Would it be a faux pas to ask about Princess Luna, or Nightmare Moon?
>Part of you thinks you should just smile and nod
>Safer that way
>You found the postal office faster today than yesterrday
>Means Ponyville isn't as expansive as you think
>Still haven't seen a corner store though
>You knock on the door a few times and slump down your ruck
>Parcel Post will either let you in or show up on his own time
>Either way works
>...
>...
>...
>Waiting is for the birds
>You pull out your phone
>No new messages
>No new emails
>Of course, no reception
>Is anyone looking for you back home?
>Does it matter?
>If you could just make one last c-
>"IIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiincomiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!"
>The screaming cry makes you crouch down by reflex
>A grey blue smashes through...
>The door
"What the hell was that?"
>You peer through the pegasus-shaped hole in the wood
"...That you, Derpster?"
>"I'm ohkay!"
>That goofy voice
>The near death experience
>Yeah, it's probably her
>Taking advantage of the situation, you open the door from the inside and step in
>Derpy landed in a pile of soft letters and papers...
>That...
>You sorted yesterday
>Ah crap
"That was a helluva spill. You do that on purpose?"
>The durable pegasus rotates her head on a well-oiled swivel to you
>It takes maybe a full second for your question to register
>She squees with a smile and pushes an envelope from out of her mane
>"I meant to go through the window but I think I missed."
>...
>There was a window?
"To be fair, you made a window in the door. Just gotta find some glass."
>Derpy isn't as embarrassed from your creative thinking
>"Are you here to drop off a package?"
"Me? No, I. I guess I work here now. Parcel Post is my... I guess he's my supervisor."
>"Awww, well I think he's super too! I saw him while flying in, he shouldn't be too far behind!"
"I hope that means he's walking and not flying."
>Derpy drags herself out of the pile, carefully avoiding any other letter laying near
>As careful as a Derpy can be
>"I think it's neat you're helping out, Mr. uhhh..."
>She focuses on you just long enough that both eyes focus on you
>For around a second
>Just to repel like two positive magnets
>"What's your name again?"
>You've already stuck with an alias for so long
>Why not make it more official?
"The name'sh Bond. Mish-tah Bond."
>You slip into your Sean Connery accent, duck lips included
>It may come back to bite you but if Anon could genuinely go so long with that name and not have an identity crisis, why should you be worried?
>"It's sure nice to meet'ya, Mishtah Bond!"
>Derpy takes your hand and shakes it
>The shake goes full motion and back, leading to her entire foreleg bending like rubber
>"Can you help me re-sort these letters? I think I gotta take them all out for delivery today. And I think I made a mess."
"Sure, I don't mind. Color-coded, right?"


>As much as you expected Derpy to be all hooves and falls, she's actually quite adept at sorting
>There's a method to her madness
>More importantly
>She's actually rather careful
>Packages are placed with care
>Letters are lined up
>Maybe it's just because she's focused
>Or moving so slow you've spent the last hour just watching and asking questions
"I... uh... got another question."
>"What is it, Mr. Bomb?"
>You don't have it in you to correct her
"I'm... not the best at reading. What are some ways I could help sort things out? There are the colors, sure. But is there anything else I can do?"
>You could write things down in your own language but that would require you needing a constant translator
>Derpy looks at you
>And the ghost of Cesar Romero that must be to your right by a few feet
>She smiles
>"Aw, it's ok! It really is. It took me a long time too. I go by the color first."
"Yeah."
>"Then I start matching cutie marks!"
>Derpy swats her flank just far enough to almost topple over a tower of letters
>As long as you don't address it, Derpy's Law means she won't randomly start wrecking things until you tell her to be careful
>You think
"...That works? Some of them don't have cutie marks on them. And wouldn't that be the sender?"
>Your question leads to her freeze-framing on the spot
>...
>The view of her flank is nice
>"..."
>One eye blinks
>The other follows
>"That's a good question."
>She straightens herself out, ending the possible workplace harassment
>"Just do what I do and ask around! No pony I know would ever want letters that don't go to them."
>As sound as her logic is, you can't help but wonder where Parcel Post is
>A quick check of your phone shows that it is the...
>Equivalent of noon
>Maybe
>You didn't know the day would go by so quickly
"It's getting to be lunch time. You mind if I head out real quick? I can set my timer for a half hour."
>Derpy looks at you and your shadow clone break dancing out of arm's reach
>"Huh? Oh. Sure! I'm hungry too."
>She says that
>But she doesn't go off to grab something
>You stare at her
>She stares back, possibly
"..."
>"..."
"..."
>"..."
"...I'm gonna head out."
>"Ok!"
>You jump a little at how quickly she replies
"T...thanks."
>You slip out with a moderate sense of haste
>You don't dislike Derpy at all
>But talking to her feels so weird
>You're used to just seeing her fuck things and ponies up
>Not only is she rather decent at her job, her mannerisms are just odd
>Doesn't help that she was right in front of you
>Why didn't Twilight elicit that other reaction?
"Maybe it's because I've been on auto pilot..."
>Speaking of, why are you heading back to SugarCube Corner?
>You have the entire town to explore
>You didn't even bring your rucksack with you
>What are the odds Derpy somehow launched it to Mars?
>You waltz in like you own the place, just to see Anon setting up a display cart
>You didn't expect to see her being productive
>She didn't expect to see you at all

"Free samples?"
>Anon looks at the treat cart
>And you
>"I'll give you a full course meal if you think you can handle it."
"Flaccid pass, thanks."
>You gawk at the cart
"Fork over some of the claws."
>"Sure, four bits."
"Seriously?"
>"When I'm on the clock... yup."
>She looks as cheerful as her dead tone
>"Pinkie isn't a slaver driver like Twilight but she does charge me rent when I'm here. The idea is that I either fork over my own money, or make it and still supply Ponyville with baked goods that turn a good day great."
>She tries her best to give a wide smile
>It looks soul crushing
"You sound... motivated."
>"Dude, I hate being some cart filly. If you made me cum in front of the entire town, I'm pretty sure I could sleep like a foal at night."
>You can't help but notice the terminology
>"But I have to wear this apron, talk to random ponies and convince them my stuff is worth buying? Just fucking send me back to Earth."
>She sounds absolutely and completely morose
"...well how about a deal?"
>"I acquire orgasm, you acquire a very organic drink that will definitely be healthy for a human?"
"No, I-"
>You frown at her
>Her dead expression grows into the smallest smiles
>It's almost insidious
"Dude. Gross. Come on."
>You shake your head to rid yourself of the thought
>If it were Derpy though...
"How about we play something out? I buy one, chomp it down, make a scene about how great it is?"
>Anon seems to genuinely perk up
>"Really?"
"Sure. I mean, maybe bring down the price a little an-"
>"I can't do that but we have some lemonade left over from a few days back."
>You leer at her
>Her mind lags a second long enough to understand the implication
>"...Oh! Oh. Heh. No. Don't worry, this is the real deal. I even put it in a bottle."
"Jesus, no! I don't want your... lemonade! Not now or ever. Nevermind."
>You turn to head out, only to stop when you hear a borderline shriek
>"Wait! Wait wait wait, I didn't mean it that way. Please help me."
>Damn it all
>You can't just split
"...alright."
>You turn around
"So what do you have in mind?"
>"I can... uh..."
>Her eyes dart all over you, as if an assessment would help her diplomacy check
>"How about I brew some tea? And... free tea with purchase?"
"...What kind of tea you got?"
>Between your tone and raised eyebrow, Anon regains some semblance of confidence
>"I got some herbal tea Fluttershy gave me. Supposed to help wake me up."
>That sounds suspicious enough to make you wary
>But you don't have all day for lunch
"Sure. Want me to go wander around and act like you don't know me?"
>"Nah, just be there to buy some and the rest will fall into place."
>Sounds good enough
>Thankfully you do still have your bag of bits on you
>Your rucksack may be a welcome weight off of your shoulders but that needs to be stapled to you
>You watch her get started
>It's impressive how much a pony can do without hands

"So have you been around Derpy much? She's teaching me the wonderful world of pony postal problems."
>"She's weird. I don't like her."
"Why, because she's competition?"
>"No!"
>Her denial is suspiciously defensive
>"...I mean, no. It's because she just acts weird. You can never tell when things will be ok or if she'll cause your house to implode."
"Oh come on, she isn't that bad. Right?"
>"Ugh."
>Anon rolls her eyes
>"I once watched her sneeze on a wagon and it fell apart. The nails? Fucking, literally, popped out. It's cute as a cartoon, but nightmarish to be around. I bet she could bump into me and knock my skull into my ass."
"That doesn't sound fair. She isn't that bad..."
>You say that but she did make a Derpy-sized hole in the post office front door without even trying
>You haven't even found any sign of the wood she burst through
>"Whatever you say... you're not a Derpyfag, are you?"
>Anon glares with the growing aura of disgust
"She's cute bu I guess not my top pick. Talking to her feels weird."
>Anon smirks and nods
>"Good to see you haven't given it up to just any mare out there."
"Hey, what's it to you? When I save up some more money, maybe I wanna take one out."
>You add more to it before you're aware you have more to say
"Besides, I'm exotic. Right?"
>"Sure, to some. Others don't want to do that sort of thing."
>The kettle whistles for a microsecond before Anon swings it to the display cart
>"Just.. you know. Don't feel too let down."
"Whatever, man... let's go. I'm hungry."


>After a painful amount of time, you can finally buy your lunch
>The sinking feeling of parting with four bits is...
>Harsh
>That leaves seventy six bits
>Is that really going to be enough to do anything?
>At least you took the biggest, heaviest bear claw and have some admittedly nice tea
>You're more a green tea type, if you had to choose
>This herbal horse tea isn't so bad
>"Oh wow! I never actually saw anyone eat her stuff before... is it really that good?"
>A cautious blue mare creeps up, as amazed at your form as she is that you're eating without turning some funky color
>Like blue
"Sure, I like it. I'll admit, I miss burgers but Anon's stuff is some of the best food I've had."
>Anon has also been the biggest, most consistent source of food you've had
>Not so positive a thing when you know how little you've had to eat
>Anon has her chest puffed out during all of this, quietly soaking in the praise
>Except at the mare's next question
>"If that's true, why don't I ever see Pinkie Pie selling her things?"
>"Because I'm usually somewhere else, lady."
>And there's that classic Anon charm
>You cut in by reflex
"To be fair, she changed the recipe and it's untested. You know how Pinkie Pie is, right? She hasn't personally tasted them yet... and Anon is afraid of rejection. Go easy on her."
>Anon looks at you as if she wants to scream "traitor"
>But it works on the pony
>"That... does make sense. Well how are they different, Miss Anon? I won't get an allergic reaction, will I?"
>Just from the continued conversation, some ponies are starting to pay attention
>The newfound attention makes her shrink back
>"Well... you know. I replaced the almond paste with hazelnut. Because... I... uh... n-nuts..."
>You can tell with a pained sense of empathy that while she can handle talking dirty to you, she just doesn't know how to keep her wit around others
"She told me that she knows which nuts are best."
>The crowd gives some sort of laugh, much to Anon's dismay
"She's weird..."
>You finish your claw
"But she claws a good bear. I got..."
>You check your phone
>Crap
>You got maybe eight minutes
>Whether or not Derpy can time you, you don't want to have a habit of wandering off from work
"I don't go much time but I'm willing to buy another to top off. If none of you want one, you're gonna be missing out..."
>You reach into your bag o' bits to pay for another
>And lose another four bits
>Another pony steps up
>Despite the voice, the stallion doesn't look that different from a mare to you
>"Well I'll take one! I've had hazelnut before when I was in the city!"
>That seems to spark a few smaller conversations
>What city?
>Were the nuts hazy?
>Where did the tall creature come from?
>The talk leads to a few immediate sales
>Anon seems frazzled by the positive attention
>You'd like to eat more but you gotta split


>You return to the post office with a minute to spare
>As big as Ponyville really is, most of it feels...
>Nondescript?
>The closest you can think of is an old-school RPG
>Many houses look the same, plus or minus some small accessories
>There are no street signs
>No stop signs
>To be fair, the few carts or wagons you've come across tend to be overkill when a saddlebag will do
>The Derpy-sized hole in the door is still there
>But no Derpy-sized Derpy in sight
"Hey, I'm back from lunch. What should... I...?"
>Half of the stacks Derpy made are gone
>You don't fully understand her sorting procedure but they're almost color-coded?
>How do you sort ten shades of pink?
"Derpy, you still here? Parcel?"
>Unable to stop yourself, you call out using your presentation voice
"Is anyone around? Anyone alive? Or dead?"
>The complete silence in the building is enough to send a cold chill down your spine
>What if this is the sort of Equestria that leads to zombified ponies or some sort of zebra-borne curses?
"...If you're dead, don't answer."
>You're being silly if you think they're off tearing ponies apart
>Very silly
>...
>Well what now?
"Don't tell me I wasn't supposed to come in today. My guy didn't exactly give me a schedule... gotta admit, some of those stamps were actually neat."
>Not neat enough for you to want to start collecting, of course
>You plop yourself down to take a sit in front of the rainbow of letters
>Red
>Yellow
>White
>Blue
>Green
>The green stack is deceptively short
>There are a multitude of what you presume are cutie marks
>A mysterious one catches your eye
>Darker green than the rest, with a black question mark on it
"Well who the hell does this go to?"
>You stare at the letter for a good, hard minute before your momentary stupidity ricochets out of your skull
>It's for Anon
>Obviously
>You did see her mark but near every time your eyes were even near that area, you were instead met with a face full of mare bits
>Not that you're against that
>Bu you'd greatly prefer yellow
>Or orange
>Or purple
>Honestly nearly anything but green
>You hold up the letter
>Can't see through the paper well enough to tell what it is
>It doesn't contain anything solid
>...
>...
>...
>You technically work for the post office now
>You're an employee
>So
>It isn't stealing if you take the letter



>To be fair, you're just going to deliver it
>You slip it into your pocket and continue to search through the stacks
>Nothing else stands out to you
>You recognize some of the Mane Six cutie marks but would that be a good enough reason to hit them up for a chat?
>You don't want to admit it but Anon's words make you feel discouraged
>What if they really don't want to have anything special to do with a human?
>It isn't like you have any skills that would immediately gel with them
>The idea of just trying to hit on one of them also fills you with a sense of disgust
>If you botch it, you know they'll all speak to each other about you
>And then there goes your chances with all of them
>You check your phone
>It's dying
>You've already wasted a half hour just sitting here, muttering to yourself and contemplating humanity
"Hey, uh... I'm gonna take this letter and deliver it. Dark green, question mark. I think it goes to Anon!"
>No replies
>At least they aren't arguing against it
"I'm gonna... go to Sugar Cube Corner. Come find me if you need more help, ok?"
>You stand up, checking for security cameras
>It's Ponyville
>Of course there aren't any
"...You know... to deliver."
>Nothing
"This isn't me cutting out of work early, alright? I'm just going to deliver it."
>While it makes you feel justified in leaving, you were paid in advance
>Doesn't that mean a full eight hours?
>From your last few jobs, your hours dictated near everything that you could do with the rest of your life
>Is it really so lax here?
"...Anyone want a snack while I'm out?"
>Even the walls are still full
"...Well alright then. See you guys tomorrow. Same time."
>Making an effort to keep the green letter in full view to not give any pony the wrong idea, you take your items and leave
>Not even a few steps away and you have a pony come up to you
>A rather minty fresh green unicorn
>She looks familiar
>Who is she again?
>"Excuse me... you're a human, aren't you?"
"Y... yeah?"
>How does she know that?
>She points a hoof at the letter
>"And that letter there... that goes to Anon."
"I-I presume so, yeah. it's green like her."
>The unicorn stares at you
>It's the sort of stare only a mare could give
>You're unsure of what to do
>"I'm... gonna go."
"Sure. I'm... I guess, going to go deliver this."
>"To Anon."
"Yup."
>"The pony?"
"The very same."
>"Is she still a pony?"
"I hope?"
>"And you're not a pony."
"Still a human."
>"What's your name?"
"Bond."
>"Bond?"
"Bond."
>"She was right..."
"Yeah?"
>"Human names are so short..."

>To be fair you don't want to reveal your real name
>Something about it just feels...
>Wrong
>Just like how Anon has stuck with Anon
>If she even remembers her human name
"You really like humans don't you."
>"N-no!"
>Her stoic expression breaks
>Wait
>The memes
>The human hand-sized magic
>That one particular animation...
"Oh shit. You're Lyra."
>You point at her with the finesse of a grade schooler
>She seems shocked to her core
>Albeit in a positive way
>"Did Anon tell you that orrr...?"
>She sounds positively revved up
"No, I..."
>Do you tell her?
>She looks at you like she's waiting for it
>Whatever "it" is
"...I saw you from the cartoon."
>"Eeeeeee, it's real! It's really real!"
>Before you even know what the hell just happened, she goes from trotting in place, to dancing, to galloping off in a madcap dash while giggling like a psycho
>This has Anon written all over it
>Good
>Great
>Awesome
>It means you have yet another thing to ask when you get back
>Another pony comes up to you
>Rather sturdy looking fellow, generic colors and a relatively small horn
>"Well that was a neat trick. What's my name?"
>You handwave him away, starting on your trek back
"Not now, later Joe."
>You heard a deep gasp behind you
>"How did he know that?!"
>This is getting to be downright meta
>At least you find your way back to the bakery quicker than before
>If the world shrinks with familiarity, you may as well be in a dog park in the middle of a cartoonishly violent hell dimension
"Alright cakecup, I got some new questions for you. And a letter to deliver. Just tell me that this belongs to you so I don't feel like an asshole for taking it."
>You start talking a few seconds too early because when you enter, Anon is staring at you like you caught her masturbating with a Princess Celestia blowup doll
>Instead, you see something far worse
>It's Lyra
>In a rather familiar looking scarf
>A foam finger on her horn
>And a set of curiously massive monkey ears hanging off of the side of her head
"..."
>"..."
>Anon shares an entire conversation with you through eye contact in a fraction of a second
>Most of it consists of her going "Oh God run away"
>Or maybe that's the impression you're getting on account of the unicorn's manic smile
>"The Human-Appreciation-Committee is back open, and after so many years we've finally been validated!"
"...what?"
>"Oh God I'm sorry."
>Anon is worse than defeated
>She's humiliated
>"I... come on, let's get this over with."
>"Bon Bon is gonna fu-reak! She said that this was all silly filly games but look at us now!"
>You end up sitting on a pony-shaped pillow
>It's flat, rather than a three-dimensional object
>Thankfully
>The two mares are sitting on almost-human looking pillows of similar size
>Lyra gently taps the wood floor with a fist-shaped gavel
>A human fist
>"For our first meeting in years, please allow me to start with an open letter to our new friend, the first human in Equestria!"
>Aren't you the second?
>Technically