Originally uploaded to Pastebin: March 16th, 2017
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>You are Twilight Sparkle.
>And you really, really need to get laid.
>As you sit across from Rarity you smile politely and nod along with what she's saying, sipping your tea at frequent, albeit socially acceptable and perfectly natural times.
>Once every 12 seconds.
>The serene mask you wear is a cover for your irrepressible anxiousness regarding the quandary you find yourself in.
>"So I must say, he was certainly a lot bigger than other stallions I've had, but you know? I honestly preferred Caramel; he was on the 'smaller side', yes, but oh -Celestia- did he back it up by knowing how to make me purr~"
>Rarity smiles fondly, no doubt recalling her time with the lucky stallion she'd seduced. 
>"And what about you, Twilight? Had any luck with 'the colts' yet?" she queries with a chuckle.
"Oh, me? I've had loads of stallions asking me, but I'm just waiting for the right one. It's not something I really want to throw away."
>You are of course, referring to your virginity. 
>Something you've been trying not so much to 'get rid of', but to obliterate and scatter to the four winds.
>To say you've been unsuccessful with stallions in your life would be an understatement.
>Despite your status as a princess, and all the prestige and wealth that comes with it, no one in Ponyville, Canterlot, or anywhere for that matter, will touch you.
>Even Ratchy Rocks, the homeless stallion that lives under Ponyville Bridge, won't touch you for fear of "desecrating a pure soul with his vile presence."
>Despite telling him that his vile presence is very much welcome and he can desecrate you in any way he pleases, he simply waved you off, and that was that.
>As Rarity applauds you for your virtue, keen sense of traditional relationships, and the values they espouse, your mind wanders off to ponder ways in which you can overcome your 'issue'.
>"...because obviously it's important to, ah, 'deflower', eventually, but I admire your conviction! A lady must choose the right stallion, no matter how long it takes."
>You cock your head to the side and give a wry smile.
"Did you just imply that you weren't a lady, Rarity?"
>"Certainly not!" she exclaims in mock-shock. "I am quite the belle, and my heart has opened to many a soul over the years. Besides, I wouldn't be the element of generosity if I did not generously give myself to whomsoever wants it, would I?"
>You roll your eyes.
"That's a crude interpretation of your call to destiny, Rarity."
>A cheeky grin and another shameless laugh is the reply you get.
>"Still, I just know you'll find the right stallion eventually. I know you're not the only one in Ponyville that wishes to save herself."
>You raise an eyebrow at this.
>Ponyville is a fairly sexually liberated place, and ponies around here tended to 'enter adulthood' faster than most places.
"Oh? Who might that be?"
>"Oh, well I know Lyra Heartstrings is saving herself for later, and Spike says he's saving himself for his true love, whoever that might end up being."
>You give her a flat look as she babbles on obliviously.
>"But really the most interesting is probably Anonymous, then again I'm sure I heard that Thunderlane might have--"
>You smile and sip your tea.
>Oh Anonymous.
>He's even more lonely than you are.
>Being the only human around has its consequences, and the poor man has to put up with everyone around him pairing off whilst he remains forever alone.
>The idea that he's 'saving himself' is laughable.
>It's more like no one will touch him.
>You'd hate to be in his position.
>...
>You freeze as your teacup parts with your lips.
>Hang on.
>...
>You -are- in his position.
>...
>When this realisation hits you, you cringe.
>You're on the same level as -Anonymous-.
>Anonymous!
>The oddball human that never quite fit in!
>You're like him! You, the Princess of Friendship!
>"Ahh, Twilight? Darling?"
>You blink a few times and lock eyes with Rarity.
"Uh, something wrong?"
>"Well, yes, actually..."
>She motions to your teacup.
>You've crushed it. The thin porcelain remnants and tea frozen in place by intense magic.
>"...And you've been been glaring at my chest for about twenty seconds."
>You glance again at the utterly devastated teacup, the former object shuddering from the sheer force of arcane energy you're pushing into it.
>A quick thought wonders if you could create diamonds out of it if you crushed it just a bit harder.
>Then again, there are too many different chemicals in the mix to create diamonds, it would likely create something else. What if you applied heat? Could you--
>"You're doing it again, dearest."
"Oh, sorry."
>"Something bothering you?"
"Eh, just realised I left the oven on." you say with a casual smile.
>Eh, just realised you're an utter failure at life comparable to an inter-dimensional monkey wearing pants.
>"Ah, I wasn't even aware you had an oven, isn't that what Spike's for?"
"You're awful, Rarity."
>She laughs warmly.
>"I can tell you're wanting to head off, I suppose I had better get going myself. Give Spike my love, won't you?"
"Of course."
>Celestia knows he's been craving it for years.
>With fond farewells, you and Rarity go your separate ways.
>As you walk back to your castle outside town you think on things.
>Mainly that the local human is in the same boat as you.
>Now if Princess Luna has taught you anything, it's that the genesis of diplomacy lies in a shared need.
>You have something Anon wants.
>He has something you want.
>Perhaps a deal could be made?
>Every other stallion in town either doesn't want you or won't go near you due to your prestige.
>You're ashamed to admit that somewhere along the line you've even disguised yourself and infiltrated a bar full of drunkards.
>And despite all odds being in your favour, you -still- somehow managed to fail.
>Something about you just repels the opposite sex.
>You gulp as you remember your thankfully brief ventures into the Ponyville nightclub scene.
>In short, you still had your virginity very much intact.
>Your pride, not so much.
>Thankfully, the folks around here that weren't so blackout drunk they'd forgotten having moves made on them by a princess are kind enough not to go around spreading gossip.
>One of the perks of being friends with nearly everyone in town.
>In crossing Ponyville Bridge, Ratchy Rocks waves at you.
>Smile down at him and nod respectfully as you pass.
>A part of you whimpers.
>That ship has sailed, Twilight, let it go.
>You pause before taking the next turn, however, and find yourself at a literal crossroads.
>Two lanes branch off in opposite paths.
>It's not that you're lost of course, just engrossed in thought.
>How long has it been?
>You've been a princess for about ten years now.
>Time is ticking by. 
>Your friends are getting older, and you're not getting any younger.
>Rarity may be content to remain single, but Applejack is looking to get married to her fiancée sometime in a few months.
>Rainbow Dash has moved away to Cloudsdale to work full-time as a Wonderbolt.
>The rest of the girls are just... moving on.
>A twang of remorse hits you.
>Everyone's moving on with their lives, and here you are, having reached your thirties and still with no one to call your own.
>It's getting to the point where you might just have to start looking for a partner in places you haven't gone before.
>Maybe you should just take the plunge?
>...
>Rather than heading right as you normally would to go home, you instead veer left.
>You're not so desperate that you're going to try and make a move on Anonymous, are you?
>...
>Yes, you are, you absolutely are.
>At this thought, your walk turns into a brisk trot.
>You're on good terms with Anonymous, right?
>You welcomed him to the village two summers ago, then got distracted by a monster incursion and forgot about him?
>That makes you friends, right?
>Of course it does, don't be silly, Twilight.
>You find yourself checking your mane in passing shop windows.
>Guess this is really happening then.
>You come to Anonymous' front door.
>You know it's his because it's the only one in this quiet little corner of town that has peeling paint on its face.
>Ponies around here take good care of their homes.
>Anonymous, not so much.
>You quickly check your breath and then your mane again in one of his windows.
>The bags under your eyes aren't getting much smaller with time either.
>It's now or never.
>With that thought, you bang a hoof on the door.
>Game face on, Twilight, it's time to get diplomatic.
>You mutter opening lines to yourself, a few icebreakers lined up and ready to go. You're experienced at this sort of thing now, you're a total natural.
>The door opens, revealing the lanky human.
>"Oh, hello, Twilight Sparkle."
"Hey there... sugarplum?"
>He does a take and gives you a curious look.
>You're a total failure.
>Anonymous, to his credit, makes an effort.
>"Come again, miss?"
"I, uh, hm."
>"..."
"Umm."
>His already blank expression becomes blanker.
>Keep going, Twilight, you can salvage this.
"May I come in?"
>"Uh, of course."
>And so he lets you in.
>As you settle down on his couch, the human hovers near a doorway.
>"So can I get you a drink? I've got water and..."
>He pauses.
>"...water." he finally adds with a lopsided smile.
"A water would be nice."
>He drifts into his kitchen, and you hear him rooting around in cupboards.
>For a moment you stare at the place where he once stood.
>' Sugarplum '
>If Rarity had seen you say that, would she have slapped you?
>You feel like she might have slapped you.
>You certainly feel like slapping you.
>This is why no one will go near you.
>Here you are, the Princess of Friendship, sat on a couch in some human's house asking for water.
>Many years ago you had a cataclysmic duel to the death with a magic-devouring hellbeast.
>Now you're asking for water so you can get laid.
>How the mighty have fallen, Twilight Sparkle.
>You unfurl a wing and gaze ponderously at it.
>Maybe if you removed them...?
>Wouldn't be the first time you'd tried.
>A soft 'clink' alerts you to Anonymous silently placing a glass on the coffee table between you both.
>He sits across from you.
>And you become aware of how loud his mantelpiece clock is ticking.
>Not wanting to be rude, you levitate the water to your lips and take a louder than normal sip.
>As long as you don't crush the glass and turn it into diamond, this should go smoothly.
"So."
>His eyes study your face patiently.
"Uh. You like books?"
>"Yeah, I like books."
>Tick.
>Tock.
>Tick.
>Tock.
"...Me too."
>Tick.
>Tock.
>Tick.
>Tock.
>They'll sing tales about your exploits one day, of that you're certain.
>Perhaps not the parts of your life where you sat in people's homes and drank water, but the other stuff for sure.
>"Do you..."
>You tense up.
>He's asking you a question.
>Don't screw this up, Twilight.
>"...like movies?"
>Do you like movies?
>Hell of a question.
>What sort of movies?
>Horror? Romance? Science fiction?
>You've seen many movies in your life, some of which were good, some of which were bad.
>Perhaps most of them were bad?
>Definitely badly written, at least.
>So given that the majority of your outings have resulted in unsatisfactory entertainment, can you consider going to the movies to be a pass-time that you enjoy?
>Anonymous nervously glances at the clock as you glare at him.
>"I-if you don't want to answer then--"
"Yes."
>"...Yes you do?"
"No, well, yes.
>"I--"
"I do like them. I like movies."
>You smile.
>Though behind your smile you're screaming.
>Talking to potential partners elicited some sort of reactionary social retardation within you.
>You've never understood it.
>You're likely going to die alone at this rate.
>"So would you like to, you know, see one with me?"
>Is he actually asking you out to the movies?
>Why?
>He barely knows you and you haven't been here for five minutes.
>What kind of desperate loser is he-- oh, wait, that's exactly what you were planning on doing.
>He's using your own game plan against you.
>But an opportunity is an opportunity, Twilight.
>Time to grab the buffalo by the horns.
"Yes. I would like to go to the movies with you."
>"Oh! Great!"
>He smiles goofily.
>...
>Tick.
>Tock.
>Tick.
>Tock.

>Despite the admittedly atrocious first impressions you'd both made on each other, somehow Anonymous and yourself had miraculously managed to secure a date.
>With all the grace of a rampaging bull you had navigated yourselves through what can only be described as "a conversation" that eventually led to a meeting.
>So here you stand, outside Ponyville Cinema wearing the some old simple yellow dress with a pink bow on the front you'd found in your wardrobe.
>You wanted to look your best and also panicked a bit so you threw on the most modest thing you owned that showed you cared about the date but not so much it would scare off anyone.
>Spike was confused as you galloped out the castle screaming about popcorn and sex, however.
>You'll have to explain when you get back.
>As you stand in the cold waiting for your date - as you had been for the last 2 hours since you wanted to get here early - you think about your current state of affairs.
>You're on a date at least.
>Only been here... twice? Maybe three times before?
>They all left after the first date, of course.
>Most of your 'partners' gave up shortly after you opened your mouth.
>It's not your fault.
>Even if it sort of is.
>You just can't talk to people you're interested in.
>It's odd. Like a switch gets flipped.
>Friends? Family? Large crowds? Foreign leaders? Demigods?
>You're as eloquent as the greatest orators of your generation.
>Ponies you want to sleep with?
>Conversational miscarriage.
>It's a source of endless frustration for you.
>You'd hoped that Flash Sentry, your first 'love', was just a hiccup.
>You kept applying that same thought process to every single stallion you had since encountered in your quest for passion.
>Is it even about love at this point?
>It's more like just trying to prove to yourself that you can do it.
>Casting spells that would fry lesser unicorns, oh that's easy.
>Saving the world half a dozen times? Child's play.
>Becoming a princess? You weren't even trying to do that and you did it.
>Doing what most fillies do by the time they're 17?
>Absolutely impossible.
>But you didn't get this far in life by giving up, and you'll be damned if you're going to throw in the proverbial towel now.
>The tear soaked, gnawed-on, screamed-into proverbial towel.
>Oh so much screaming.
>Poor Spike.
>A shape shuffles out of the darkness towards you.
>With his hands in his pockets, and an uncertain air about him, Anonymous walks over to you.
>He's... wearing a hoodie and pants.
>Is that over-dressing or under-dressing for a human?
>You have no idea, but you'll assume that what you're wearing is insulting to him and his people.
>Oh well. Worse things have happened on a first date.
>Like your first date with Flash Sentry.
>There's a reason he quit his job as a royal guard and moved to Las Pegasus.
>You have a strange effect on ponies.
>Though hopefully not humans.
>But if this doesn't work out, at least you have a whole new world of interspecies relationships to try out.
>Maybe there's a Diamond Dog around who has absolutely no standards?
>Anonymous smiles weakly as he stands before you.
>"Hi."
"Hi."
>"Nice dress?"
"Thanks. Nice..."
>You look at his legs.
"Pants."
>"Thanks. Should we go in?"
"Yes, excellent."
>You put on a smile and try to relax as you walk into the theatre.
>Try to be level-headed about this, Twilight.
>You do it all the time with your friends, why should this be any different?
>You're just going to the movies to see a flick with your good friend who you've only ever spoken to once before and only know for certain that he likes books and owns an unusually loud clock.
>It's fine.
>It'll all be fine.
>Glance up at Anon.
>His face is scrunched up as he squints at the menus listed above the counter.
>Might be a human thing, but just in case...
"You okay?"
>He frowns, then turns to you with a guilty smile.
>"Oh, well my eyes aren't too good. Lost my glasses when I first came here."
>He gives you an uncomfortable look and gestures to the menus.
>"Can you please read that for me?"
>You blink a few times in shock.
"You have poor eyesight?"
>"Yeah, I haven't found anywhere in Ponyville that'll replace my glasses, so I've just sorta been struggling on. It's only with writing, you know? Not so much faces or anything."
"Oh sure, sure, but there's an optician at Ponyville Hospital that'll set you up with a pair!"
>"Seriously?"
"Yeah! We'll have to swing by and get you some time."
>He smiles.
>"Thanks, Twi. Can I call you Twi?"
"Of course, can I call you Anon?"
>"Fine by me."
>You read off the menu for him, he nods, and you both fall silent again.
>...
>You just had an actual conversation with someone you like(?)
>THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
>You are suddenly thankful for the dress, because you just started sweating like a beast.
>Anon looks comparatively relaxed as he orders popcorn and tickets for the pair of you.
>You can do this, Twilight, just focus and stay calm.
>Deep breaths.
>"You look ill, Twi, are you alright? Do you not wanna see... uh..."
>He looks at the tickets.
>"Gorehunters...?"
"O-oh, uh, nah, I'm fine."
>You're not fine. This isn't normal.
>Usually you choke up and say stupid things for an hour or two until your partner 'remembers he left the oven on'. 
>In fact you've heard that excuse so much you've started using it yourself.
>"You sure you're alright?"
"Oh, just remembered I left the oven on."
>He purses his lips.
>"Ah, right, of course."
>The human looks at his feet, and develops a wounded expression.
>"You're not having fun, are you."
>You cock your head at the frankness of his statement.
"What do you mean?"
>"Well whenever I've gone on dates with other ponies, they always give crap excuses before leaving."
"...You've dated other ponies?"
>"Yeah, a few. We never really make it past the first date though so... yeah."
>Your nervousness suddenly vanishes.
>A sort of calm washes over you, and you find yourself smiling softly.
"Me too."
>"You've had failed dates?"
"Oh yeah, loads."
>"...You?"
"Yeah, why, can I not have failed dates?"
>"No no, it's just that you're a princess and all--"
"Believe me that's not a good thing."
>"Really?"
"No one wants to date a princess, Anon."
>"I dunno, you're interesting, pretty, and I think you run a library? That's kinda cool."
"I did. It got blown up."
>"I-- oh. Sorry, I didn't--"
"It's fine, we dug up the remains and hang them in my throne room now."
>"Right, right, of... course."
"...Weren't we supposed to be seeing a movie?"
>The pair of you look around at the empty hallway, and hear Gorehunters playing behind the door beside you.
>Anon chuckles and readjusts his popcorn in his hands.
>"Suppose we'd better go do that then."
>He leans against the door with his shoulder and pushes it open.
>"Ladies first?"
"Oh, what a gentlecolt."
>The pair of you giggle and head in to see the movie.

>The next morning your eyes shoot open.
>You sit up in bed, then stare at your hooves.
>Did you--
>Tear off the covers of your bed and leap out.
>A dress lies on the floor in a heap.
>You think back to the events of the previous night.
>You went out with Anon, saw a movie, and then went home with a smile.
>...
>You just had a successful date!
>Is this what it feels like to not be a failure?
>It feels fantastic!
>You beam at yourself in the mirror.
>Your tired, dishevelled, but happy expression grins back.
>Then... slowly fades.
>Well.
>You've had a date that went well.
>But you're still a virgin.
>So really, nothing changed.
>...Hm.
>That sort of takes the wind out of your sails.
>But as far as progress goes, you're in uncharted waters.
>Whatever happens at this point, you can say that you've at least been here.
>Thing is, you're not too sure what to do now.
>Do you just... keep going on dates until you both sleep together?
>That seems like the logical next step.
>Perhaps there's a book on this.
>The next piece to this puzzle.

>Spike wanders into the kitchen, yawning and scratching his belly.
>Still surprises you how much he's grown recently. He stands as tall as most ponies now.
>"Mornin', Twi."
"Hey."
>"Whatcha reading?"
"How to find love in ten easy steps."
>"Again?"
"Yuh huh."
>"'Kay. What do you want for breakfast? Pancakes?"
"Yuh huh."
>"So did you manage to have sex with that popcorn last night?"
"Yuh h-- what?"
>He shrugs.
>"You were kinda in a rush and I only caught half of it before you were gone. What did you even do last night?"
"I... went to see a movie. With a friend."
>"Oh, cool, what movie?"
"Gorehunters."
>Spike winces as he busies himself tending to the pancakes.
>"Sheesh, that's intense. Isn't there a scene in that where a baby gets decapitated?"
"Several scenes. Also a slow-motion bit."
>"Was it... uh, enjoyable?"
"I guess so? The story wasn't too great. Kinda predictable."
>"You're more concerned with the storyline than baby death. I know I should be surprised, but I've known you forever so it really doesn't. I just hope your friend was fine with it."
"Yeah, Anon had a good time, I'm sure of it."
>Spike pauses as he prepares to flip a pancake.
>"...Anon? Like, Anonymous? The alien dude?"
"Yup."
>"I didn't know you two were friends. Have you ever even spoken to him?"
"Of course!"
>"How many times?"
"Well including last night, uh, twice."
>"Wait, so this is the 'popcorn and sex' you went out to do last night?"
>He gives you a strange look.
>"Twilight, did you lose your virginity with an alien to the sound of babies being killed in slow-motion?"
"I wish I had..." you say with a distant sigh.
>"Sweet Celestia, Twi."
"What?"
>"It's... whatever, your pancakes are here."
>He slides a stack of pancakes before you.
>"Weirdo."
>You scowl at him.
"At least I don't murmur Rarity's name into a pillow."
>"I'd be offended but compared to what you've been getting up to lately it's not all that bad."
>You roll your eyes and stuff a pancake in your mouth.
>"Anyway, are we going to the town hall thing tonight?"
"What town-- oh, OH!"
>"Don't tell me you forgot, it's been on your calendar for weeks!"
"I've been distracted!"
>Spike groans.
>"Well do you have any plans made? You know this means a lot to the Mayor."
"I know, I know, but no, no plans, who else is going?"
>"Everyone, it's a town party."
"Right, right. Pinkie planning it?"
>"Naturally."
"Ho boy, glad I didn't do anything too crazy last night then."
>Spike opens his mouth.
>Then shuts it again.
"Guess we're going then."
>"Good, because I have a plan to woo Rarity!"
>He rubs his claws together in an uncharacteristically sinister, yet at the same time very Spike-ish fashion.
"She's not gonna go for you, Spike."
>"Not with that attitude, I've got a secret surprise waiting for her."
>He smiles darkly.
>You should be concerned, but your mind is focused on things of greater importance, like pancakes, and partying.
>It occurs to you that Anon might be at this party.
>A smile works its way across your face.
>It'll be great to see him again.
>Maybe you could consider this a second date?
>You theorise that first-base should have been reached by at least the seventh date.
>Any more than that, and you'll have to take drastic measures.
>As you stuff the last pancake down your throat, you chew open-mouthed and walk out of the kitchen, leaving Spike to scheme and chuckle in a worryingly malevolent manner.
>You've got a whole day to kill until the party.
>Might as well go and visit Fluttershy about her 'private problem.'

>Fluttershy's 'problem' will haunt you.
>You cement this fact in your mind and prepare to deal with any future nightmares that may occur because of it.
>Your reflection's brow is furrowed in thought as you brush your mane methodically before doing it up in a nice bun.
>Leaning forward and checking your teeth in the mirror, you smile.
>Looking good, Twilight.
>Pretty, even.
>According to Anon.
>You lift a front hoof and look under yourself at your slightly pudgy belly.
>Really need to lay off the hayburgers though.
>Unless Anon likes this sort of thing?
>Maybe it's a kink of his? A fetish?
>Who knows.
>Not like you're ever going to ask him something so personal.
>You've made that mistake before.
>Alas, poor Tendergreen, he wasn't prepared.
>And so ended your third failed 'relationship'.
>Oh.
>You do hope he's not at the party as well. Then again you're sure he's living in Canterlot now.
>Is he living in Canterlot?
>You think about this, and other meaningless things as you trot through the castle towards the front door.
>Spike is already waiting for you, and you cock an eyebrow at him.
"A tuxedo? Wow, whatever you have planned must be big."
>He grins in return.
>"You might say it's... deceptively big."
"I don't like it when you scheme, Spike; stop scheming, nothing good ever comes of it."
>"When have my plans ever failed?" He queries as you both leave and shut the castle door behind you.
"Owlicious."
>"Oh. Yeah I guess that did fail, but this one won't! It's a sure bet, then Rarity will be all mine!"
"I'm sure she'll finally notice you after the decade or so we've lived in this town. Where'd you even get this idea from? And are you going to tell me or do I have to drag it out of you?"
>"Eh, I was reading a few, uh, romance novels, and it came to me."
"What came to you, exactly?"
>"That's not important."
"It's very very important, now tell me."
>"Nope. Lips sealed."
"Lips better be loose by the time I count to ten."
>The pair of you non-seriously bicker as you walk through Ponyville to the Town Hall.
>The building is bedecked in decorations and banners.
>Balloons, a staple of a Pinkie Pie party, adorn the wooden beams and pillars around it.
>From the looks of it, the party's already well under way.
>You instinctively hook a hoof around Spike's midsection before he can dart off into the crowds.
"No funny business."
>He wriggles free and smooths his tuxedo down.
>"The only business I'm on is the business of love, Twi."
"I'm banning you from romance novels once we get back, you know that, right?"
>He snorts.
>"You're so grumpy these days, whatever happened to the Twi I knew back in Canterlot?"
"Whatever happened to the innocent dragon I raised from an egg?"
>He grins toothily.
>"He grew up, same as you. Have a nice evening, Twilight, I'll see you back at the castle."
"You too, but no drinking this time!"
>"Relax! I won't need to drink anything tonight!"
>As he shoots off, you make a mental note to track down whatever books he's been reading.
>For now though, you'd better find the Mayor.
>This whole thing was her idea, after all.

>The Mayor was of course thrilled to see you attend.
>Not like you were going to miss this though, it wouldn't be proper for a princess.
>The two of you prattle on about taxes and roadworks, and you offer to assist her with a new filing system she wants to implement.
>When you part ways, you catch his eye immediately.
>Across the room, towering conspicuously above everyone around him, Anonymous nervously inhabits a corner.
>He offers a tentative smile when he sees you looking.
>You quickly check your mane and breath before heading over.
"Hey, stranger!"
>"Hiya Twi. Is it still alright if I call you that?"
"Sure is! So you uh, came to the party huh?"
>"Yup, thought it might be good to get out the house."
"Me too, me too. Well, I mean, I'm always out the house anyway, but I never used to be, when I was a filly, I mean."
>"Weren't you a student or something?"
"Personal protégé to Princess Celestia, actually."
>He mouths a 'wow' and studies your face closely.
>"So you really are a big deal around here, aren't you?"
>You snort.
"The wings and 'princess' title didn't clue you in?"
>"Well I dunno, I thought every town had a princess, how many are there in Equestria?"
"Nine. My brother's responsible for most of them."
>"That's nuts."
>You nod solemnly.
"He really is..."
>"So do you all live in your own castles or something?"
"Well Celestia and Luna live in Canterlot..."
>You explain to him the entire inner-workings of the royal family right then and there.
>Amazingly, he didn't just walk off like other stallions you've made a move on.
>Instead he actually stood there and listened to the whole thing.
>He even asked questions at certain points.
>Suffice to say, you're getting pretty hot under the proverbial collar.
>Him asking if a lower tax rate would incentivise small business creation and grow the economy to help soften the burden on government spending only made you hotter.
>To which you answered with gusto.
>Though you're not actually paying complete attention to Anon.
>From the corner of your eye, you track Spike.
>He approaches Rarity and says hello.
>She gives him a big hug and starts fawning over him.
>Your eyes narrow as his grins devilishly.
>"So um, sorry, am I boring you?"
"What? Oh, sorry Anon, no, just saw something else for a second, carry on?"
>He continues talking about politics back home.
>Apparently world peace was achieved when they decided not to elect a politician to be the leader of the world, but a tangerine wearing a wig.
>Ponies could learn much from the humans.
>As Anon talks, Spike offers Rarity a drink.
>You watch carefully as she takes a sizeable gulp and thanks Spike.
>Spike nods slowly, a strange smile on his lips.
>"So really, I think that's what Ponyville needs. Do you know if the Mayor needs help at all?"
"Oh, um, yes, actually, she needs help with a filing system."
>You do a double-take as you remember something.
"Also, we still need to go to the hospital for your glasses!"
>He blinks.
>"Oh, wow, I'd actually totally forgotten about that."
>He grins.
>"It's nice to have someone keeping me in check."
>You smile.
"Don't you worry Anon, if we stick together we'll take on the world, though not literally of course, Celestia would have to kill us."
>He gives you an odd look.
>"Uh, right."
>You'd chastise yourself for saying something stupid, but honestly, things could not be going better.
>You're having an actual, real life conversation with a male.
>And it's not even a dream like all those other times!
>You turn your head and try to find Spike and Rarity, only to find that they're gone.
>On the table next to the punch they were at is Rarity's cup, however.
>That's not a terribly comforting sign.
>"So listen..."
>You turn back to Anon.
>He sucks in a deep breath to calm himself.
>"I'm... really having a good time talking to you and all and was wondering if, maybe, you'd like to go on another date...? With me, I mean."
>You blush and try not to smile too hard.
>You're not one to 'count chickens before they hatch', as Applejack tends to put it, but you've got extremely high hopes about this human.
"I'd like to. Love, even, I'd love to."
>He visibly gulps.
>"Cool! Aha, wow, that's the first time that's even happened."
>You give a dorky grin in return.
"Yeah, me too. I mean, look at us, we're a pair of nerds stood in the corner at a party talking about taxes and politics..."
>"Right? Since when did people like us go on dates?"
>You gigglesnort louder than you wanted to, and a nearby pony gives you a funny look.
>Swallowing the lump in your throat, you think carefully on how to proceed.
>Thankfully, Anonymous has you covered.
>"Wanna get a drink?"
"Oh, yes please, but maybe wait for a bit? The crowd's a bit dense."
>"That's okay, I kinda have an advantage."
>You watch him stride over ponies on the way to the punch table.
>You'd fly, but flying indoors is poor form without good reason.
>Something Rainbow Dash really needs to learn at her age.
>Anon comes back with two drinks and offers you one.
>Sipping it, you enjoy the cherry-flavour and turn back to Anon.
>He gulps down his entire drink in one go.
>"Good stuff, I like it. Wish the cups were bigger though."
"Can't blame us for that, ponies are kinda small. Are all humans as tall as you?"
>"Actually, I'm pretty small for a human."
"Seriously?"
>"Oh yeah, the world's tallest man was like, twice my height."
>Your eyes widen.
"Wow, I'd love to visit Earth someday, it sounds incredible!"
>"It's not as nice as it is here in Equestria, but I know you'd appreciate the libraries."
"Oh! You need to visit me at the castle!"
>"What, why? I mean yes but--"
"No no no, you said you liked books, remember?"
>"Oooh yeah, I did, and I do, still, like books."
>He frowns at his own funny wording.
>You can only grin.
>He's like you in more ways than one.
"But there are loads of books I wanna show you. You like old tomes at all? Are those a thing on Earth?"
>"Sure, but they're rare, most stuff is on the internet now anyway."
"Internet? What's the internet?"
>"Oh god. The internet is. Uhh. Hm."
>He rubs his chin.
>Then his leg gives out.
>You jump back, startled, as the much larger human stumbles before you and goes down on one knee with a thud.
>He winces in pain.
"Anon? What's wrong, are you hurt?"
>Anon seems just as shocked as you are.
>"I-I don't know, my leg just went numb!"
>You touch his arm.
"Are you drunk? Can you see? How many hooves am I holding up?"
>You hold up a single hoof.
>He gives you a flat look.
>"I'm not that lightweight, Twi."
>The human goes pale, beads of sweat dotting his forehead.
>"Th-think I might need the bathroom though, I don't feel good..."
"Yes, absolutely, let's find a bathroom."
>As you hustle Anon towards the stairwell, you glance back at the punch bowl.
>Rarity's cup is gone.

>Both you and Anon practically fall into the town hall restroom on the third floor.
>There are no ponies up here, but you know the Mayor would be fine with you using it.
>Thank you, princess prestige.
>The human groans, his shirt clinging to his body from the sweat.
>His hands shakily work at the buttons, peeling it off.
>You watch nervously as he strips his top layer.
"How are you feeling?"
>"Worse. I think, th-the punch... might have been spiked..."
>You freeze up.
>Then feel a deep sense of rage build within you.
>When you find that dragon you're going to flay him.
>So this was Spike's plan?
>No wonder he and Rarity 'disappeared'.
>You can only imagine where they are and what they're doing.
>Anon tries to stand, but instead finds himself wedged between the toilet and the wall.
>He's in a sorry state, and looks a total mess.
>"Twi I think... I think I'm gonna..."
"Throw up? Aim for the basin--"
>His head goes limp and he flops gracelessly to the tiled floor.
>For a moment you stand awkwardly before him.
>The sounds of the party downstairs are all you can hear.
>You can barely catch Anon's chest rising and falling.
>So it's just sleep.
>That's good! That means he's alive!
>All you need to do is get him home.
>Carefully walking near him, you levitate his arm and try to gently drag his body out of the gap he's wedged in.
>You slide him into the middle of the floor, then glance at his pants.
>And promptly blush.
>Whatever Spike put in the punch seems to have a dual-purpose.
>Anonymous is pitching a rather impressive tent.
>Being a good friend, you ignore it and continue to work on getting him into a better position to move.
>That is, you try to, at least.
>Instead you stand motionless and sweating, staring at Anon's crotch and trying not to lose your mind over it.
>This is the closest you've ever been.
>Ever.
>You've never had a second date. You've never invited a stallion to your library. You've never been alone in a bathroom with a stallion who's completely erect.
>He's not even a stallion, but you're really not that picky at this point.
>Would Anon notice if...
>Well, he's asleep.
>From his perspective he's just going to wake up in a while, right?
>So if he doesn't experience what you're pondering, it's fine.
>That makes sense. That's not crazy.
>That's not crazy in the slightest.
>You wet your lips and look back into the empty hallway through the open bathroom door.
>Then, your heart pounding in your chest, you slowly shut it and use magic to force it to lock.
>Then you soundproof it for good measure.
>There, now no one can disturb you.
>This isn't crazy, this is normal.
>This is just a normal part of growing up and becoming a mare.
>Sure, you're in your thirties, but better late than never, right?
>It'll be just like the time Rarity told you about the time she raped someone in their sleep.
>Was that one of her stories? Probably, she sleeps with a lot of stallions. Like Spike! Who's probably banging away at her right now!
>Spike! Whose dating-pool includes one pony! Whilst yours contains most of the town! And he's still having more success than you!
>Your eye twitches.
>How is this your life?
>You were supposed to be married with kids by now, according to your parents.
>Hell, your brother's only a few years older than you and he has an entire swarm of the things.
>You need to start catching up, fast.
>Anon would understand, right?
>If anything, you're giving him what he wants, even if he doesn't know he's getting it.
>Is this what being a psychopath is like?
>No, no, you're not crazy. You're not crazy. This is normal.
>You suck in a deep breath.
"This."
>You pull out the knot in your hair-bun and let it fall around your shoulders in a mess.
"Is normal."
>You reach forward and pull down the zip on Anon's pants with your teeth, then use magic to slide the main garment off.
>His underpants quickly follow.
>Hopefully the cold tiles won't wake him him.
>...
>At this thought you whip a towel off a nearby rack and slide it under him.
>There, now he's comfortable.
>See? You're a good friend.
>You're such a good friend.
>Licking your lips, you tentatively prod his rod with a hoof.
>It throbs slightly at the touch.
>Whatever Spike slipped in that drink was powerful.
>Or are all dicks supposed to look like this?
>Be damned if you know, you've only ever seen diagrams and porn magazines, and who even knows if those are real or fake.
>You shiver as you plant your legs on either side of Anon's prone body and walk forward.
>Lining up his fully engorged member with your own entrance, you can't stop trembling.
>You know this is wrong, of course you do.
>But it's been so long.
>And Anon likes you, and you like him.
>So you might as well get this out of the way as soon as you can.
>And so, you lower yourself.
>A strange feeling grips you once he enters you.
>It's odd.
>Like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
>A moment of tranquillity in your chaotic, depraved mind.
>It is in that moment that you realise that you've done it.
>Frozen, you maintain an awkward semi-squat, Anon's now slick member jammed half-way inside you.
>After so much trial and error.
>So much effort.
>Here you are.
>Getting...
>You look around at the bathroom, the sounds of the party downstairs still going strong, and the soft breathing of your drugged partner below you the only accompanying noise to the frantic heartbeat hammering in your ears.
>...Laid.
>You bite your lower lip and tense as you push yourself down the rest of the way.
>It hurts a little bit, but you get there in the end.
>Then you just sort of sit there, on Anon's crotch, his dick hilted inside you.
>Your inner muscles squeeze and caress his length, which you imagine must feel good on his end.
>Not that he can feel anything right now.
>Or if he can he probably thinks he's having a very vivid dream.
>Will he be dreaming about you?
>For about two minutes you sit in thought, the humans length periodically throbbing and sending electric sensations throughout your body.
>But mostly you stay still.
>You know what you're supposed to do, you're not that in the dark, but now that you're here you're not sure you want to continue.
>You feel a mix of emotions.
>Regret. Guilt. And relief?
>It's been a long journey, but you have to admit that throughout it all you'd become somewhat of a cynic.
>So it's only fitting that a cynic should see such a cynical end to her quest.
>Alone in a bathroom taking advantage of the first stallion to ever show an interest in her.
>You sigh, and shake your head.
"This isn't right."
>With great effort, you stand up again, savouring the sensation of Anon's cock sliding out of you, and lamenting at the feeling of emptiness it leaves behind.
>You delicately use your magic to clean and dress Anon again, then carefully prop him up against a wall, a few stacked towels providing a seat for him.
>Finally, you curl up next to him and wait.
>You wait for him to awaken.
>Because that's what good friends do.

>His eyes flutter open, but you fail to notice until he places a hand on your head.
>You roll over a bit, peering up from your place on his lap.
>He smiles wearily.
>"How long was I out? I remember passing out by the toilet."
"A few hours."
>"Anything happen? I swear I had the weirdest dream."
"...No, nothing happened. I just sorta waited with you."
>Applejack would be ashamed of you.
>But what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Much like Anon.
>He attempts to dampen his smile, but still ends up looking happier than he likely wants to look.
>"That's sweet of you, thanks."
"Hey, what are friends for?"
>He relaxes a bit, and uses his hand to gingerly stroke you.
>You watch his hand touch your coat and start moving.
>"Is this... good? I don't even know if what I'm doing is--"
"It's nice. It feels nice."
>He strokes you and looks around at the bathroom.
>"Smells weird in here."
"Well, you -were- kinda sweaty."
>"True, true."
>...
>"Hey."
"Hm?"
>"Do you wanna be, uh, more than friends?"
"You mean like... partners?"
>"Sure, partners."
"Would that involve more dates to the movies and sitting on bathroom floors with each other?"
>"Only if you were into that, you know, like a fetish or something."
>At 'fetish', your mind flashes back to Fluttershy.
>The nightmares will come hard and fast tonight, that's for sure.
"No, no fetishes for me. What about you, got any fetishes?"
>"Nah. I'm a pretty boring guy."
"Mm, I'm a pretty boring mare."
>"So... wanna be boring together?"
>You smile warmly at him.
>Then move up and peck him on the lips, lingering for a little while to enjoy the warmth pressed against you.
>You pull back, your own ridiculous grin irrepressible.
"Sounds pretty dull. I'm in."
>He blinks a few times, goes red, then looks to his side.
>A slightly crushed punch-cup rests on the floor, and he picks it up, regarding it with familiarity.
>"So uh, do you wanna drink?"
>He glances at the sink in the corner.
>"We've got water, and water. That's about it."
>You lay your head down on his lap again and close your eyes, enjoying the sensation of his hand caressing your back.
"A water sounds good, but not right now."

>You emerge from your bedroom, wiping the sleep from your eyes and yawning as you head for the kitchen.
>A familiar voice greets you, and you fully wake up, your fur bristling.
>"Mornin' Twi, so, how'd last night g--"
>You instinctively slam Spike into a wall with your magic.
>He peels himself out of the cracked, dented crystal, obviously not hurt due to his scales, but he staggers about, stunned.
>"Wh--"
>You pick him back up and with a flick of your horn smash him against the crystalline wall of the castle again.
>He grunts in pain and glares at you.
>"Twilight! What's gotten into you?!"
"What's gotten into me?! What's gotten into -you-! Drugging Rarity?! THAT was your master plan?"
>He checks his scales and fumes.
>"It's not as bad as you think, she was into it."
>Your horn lights up.
>A strangled cry echoes around the reflective halls as you once more crush your dear sweet Spike into a wall for being a complete and utter dullard.
>The dragon struggles to move, being so far crushed into the crystal's surface.
"You'd better hope that she's alright, Spike. For your sake."
>Another burst of magic drags Spike out of the wall, and you carry him in a levitation field towards the kitchen.
>He doesn't struggle or protest.
>You've long since realised the full extent of your power, and he knows you could crush him with your mind if you willed it.
>Not that you would, since he's your Spike and you love him more than anything.
>You know that he won't have harmed a hair on Rarity's tail, and that he probably took her home and tucked her into bed safe-and-sound.
>And if the effect of the drug was anything like it was on Anon, then Rarity likely remembers just falling asleep at the party and waking up in her bed.
>Plus, it's not exactly good form to accuse Spike of date-rape when that's actually what you just did as well.
>But still. He deserved a bit of pain for being a prat.
>You lay Spike on the kitchen table and pull an ice pack out of the fridge, gently pressing it against his head.
>He grunts his thanks and scowls at you.
>You regard him with a stern look, then get out a pan.
"I'm still banning you from your romance novels, by the way. I'm also going to have a word with Zecora since I know you can't have obtained a potion like that from just anywhere."
>"She didn't know what I was gonna use it for--"
"Irrelevant. She should know better. Besides, she and I needed a good catch-up anyway."
>You breathe in, and exhale, your head clear again.
"So. Pancakes?"
>"Pancakes sound good. Might help sooth my poor aching skull."
"Cut the sarcasm, you know what you did. I was tempted to do more."
>"Ugh."
"Attitude."
>"Fine, sorry, gods above..."
>You smile as you mix the pancake batter together and turn on the heat on the stove.
>"So, like I was saying, how'd last night go for you?"
>Chewing your lip, you hesitate to answer.
"Last night was... good. It was good."
>"Just good?"
"Anon and I had a nice chat. Had to take him to the bathroom at one point because someone spiked his drink."
>"Woah, really? Who--"
>You give him a sharp look.
>"...Okay, but I only used the potion in Rarity's drink, not the actual punch bowl, I'm not insane, Twilight."
"I know. I think he took Rarity's cup and drank from it."
>"...Who drinks out of someone else's cup...?"
"I was thinking the same thing at the time, but didn't want to say anything. Would have been rude."
>"What a weirdo."
"Oh yes. He's weird, isn't he Spike?"
>Your eyes narrow.
"Not like we ever do crazy, wild, morally questionable things, is it?"
>"Alright, alright, by the way that pancake's burning."
>You spin back around and tend to it.
>"So what now? You and him together or something?"
>Your heart jumps at that.
"Actually... yes. We are."
>"Hey, that's great! So when are you gonna do the deed? Or have you already done it?"
"Spike! That's a personal question!"
>"Sure, sorry."
>...
>"But really though."
"We'll do it, you know, when the time comes."
>"Huh, that's different. Not so crazy about losing your v-card all of a sudden?"
"No one says 'v-card' anymore, Spike, and to answer your question, no, not really."
>"What changed?"
"...I just changed my mind. Now shush, your pancakes are ready, try not to drug them."
>"...Thanks." he says in an annoyed manner.
>You slide a plate onto the table before him.
>The dragon stabs a cake with a claw and inhales it, barely even savouring it.
>He hums in satisfaction.
>"You think Anon might be the one?"
"Bit early for that, don't you think?"
>"Didn't stop you saying Flash Sentry was the one. Or Yellow Dawn. Or Bliss Burn. Or Tender--"
"I get it. And yeah, we have some real chemistry between us. He likes books, I like books..." you trail off.
>Spike blinks.
>"Wow. A match made in heaven."
"Oh shut up, at least I didn't date r--... yeah, I think he's the one."
>"Well, good luck to him."
"Him? What about me?"
>"To my knowledge, Anon hasn't dated half the town."
"'Dated' implies more than one date happened per-male..."
>"All the more reason to wish him the best of luck."
"Shush, everything's going to be fine."
>Spike snorts and continues eating his pancakes as you put together your own.
>You slowly stir the mix together, your mind drifting and thinking about your new partner.
>...
>Still need to get him those glasses. 
>Will have to put it on a checklist later.
>Also he needs to visit the castle library.
>Maybe the two of you could go out to dinner as well?
>Oh, well he'll -have- to meet your parents at some point.
>Will they like him?
>Ahh of course they will.
>Cadance will want to meet him too.
>And the world book fair is next month! You definitely need to go to that with him.
>Your mind starts creating a long list of things you want to do with Anon.
>It's like a whole new world just opened up before you that you'd previously been too blind to see.
>Who knows, maybe throughout it all you'll even have sex.
>Though at this point, you're not too concerned about it.
>You've been trying to rush it for too long now.
>Maybe this is fate's way of telling you to take it easy for a while.
>Yeah, that sounds right.
>You smile to yourself.
>Getting laid can wait for a bit longer.
>...
"By the way I'm telling Rarity what you did."
>"Horseapples."

The End.