> Be Anon, poniceman > You figured you'd be better suited to handling the criminal element than all these marshmallow ponies > You were right, but you forgot two things: > You are a stallion > The criminals are marshmallow ponies too > So here you are, stuck behind a desk while your fellow officers risk noogies and skinned knees > They only come to you when "Oh hey, chief. What's up?" > Gruff Puff looks grim > "The bad pony who stole the ambassador's teddy bear won't talk. The ambassador hasn't had beddy bye for two nights." > She places a hoof on your shoulder, you can see how much she hates asking this of you > "Could you persuade the bad pony to cooperate?" > You do your best to keep a straight face "I'll handle it, chief." > Gruff Puff gives a firm nod, then strides away > You make your way down to Firmly Asked Questions, stretching your arms to get you ready > The few ponicemares you pass give you sympathetic looks > You open the door to the hard chair room, and a roguish mare looks you over > You return the favor as you sit across the small tea set from her > Earth pony, grey coat, her black mane cropped at the jaw > She smirks > "You have the wrong mare, Sweetflanks. Unless you have plans for me after you let me go?" > You just give her a flat stare > The smirk begins to falter > You methodically move the tea set onto the floor, piece by piece, letting the clatter sound in the small room > She watches you warily, uncertain > Once the table is clear, you stand up > The mare gets to her hooves too, tensing > It doesn't matter, you're quicker > You lean across and snatch her up into your arms, cradling her on her back > "H-hey! What do you think you're doing?" > You bring her face close to yours, muddling her mind with your breath and scent > At last you speak "I'm disappointed, little filly." > Her eyes go wide, her struggling limbs slowing > You frown deeply "I thought I raised you better than this." > "Wha-" "DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, FILLY!" > She freezes, assaulted by the raw force of your paternal presence > "Y-yes papa." > You begin rocking her gently "I know you're not a bad filly." > You stroke some of her mane out of the way, gazing into her teary eyes "You just made a mistake, that's all. Now, why don't you tell me where you hid the colt's teddy, and then we can get you some ice cream?" > She sniffles > "Really?" > You nuzzle her a little "Really." > She spills the beans and you send a mare to retrieve the teddy > Then you guide the shell shocked thief to the department ice cream machine and keep your word > After that, Gruff Puff gives her a stern talking to, and sees her to the door > The thief looks over her shoulder at you, blushing in embarrassment > "W-would it be alright if we talked again?" > You give her a smile "Sure, just make an appointment with the front desk." > She smiles then > "Thanks! I'll be good now." > You give her a wave, then return to the office > Gruff Puff walks beside you, eyeing you worriedly > "You can take the rest of the day off, if you like. FAQ always takes a lot out of me, I can't imagine what it's like for a stallion like you." > You ruffle her mane, a little irritated by the consideration "I'll be fine, and I'd hate to let the paperwork pile up too much." > She unscrunches > "Right, well. I know I've said it before, but the department's lucky to have a stallion like you on the force." > You grin "You just like staring at my butt." > Gruff Puff hits you on the arm, hitting like a marshmallow bouncing off a side of beef > "I'm far too old for frisky colts like you. If you aren't going home, then get to work." "Aye Aye chief." > She nods and retreats to her office > Just another day on the job > Be Anon, poniceman > It finally happened! > Your campaign of suggestion, mild seduction, and the casual mention of a concern about your weight has finally paid off > You're on patrol! > Admittedly in the quietist part of the city, with two mare officers accompanying you, but that's not important > It feels good to walk around in your uniform, stretching your legs, keeping a watchful eye out for crime > The citizens you pass look at you with respect, deferentially looking down and blushing when you greet them casually > A weather team pushes some clouds over the central park, a few of the mares gesturing towards you > "Hey tripod! Trot for us! > They laugh raucously > Downy Draft fluffs up angrily, her wings rustling "What's up?" > The pegasus ponice officer scowls > "Ponies like that give us pegasi a bad name." > You tilt your head "Reckon we should do something about that?" > Downy grins > "Be my guest." > Point Hexter gives you an unimpressed look, but doesn't say anything > That's one stoic unicorn > You turn towards the weather team and get serious "Hey! You three, get down here!" > The catcallers glance at each other and shrug > They swoop down and land about five feet away > The lead mare is gazing in what you have come to recognize as the crotchward direction > "Can we help you, officer?" > You snap your fingers loudly, directing their gaze upward > Then you pour on the scowl > Ponies aren't great at shows of displeasure, but they're used to being scrunched at from time to time > That's not what you're doing > Your forehead wrinkles, your frown deepens, you start a low rumble in the back of your throat > All five mares' eyes shrink to pinpricks > You bare your teeth in a silent snarl "I thought Manehatten weather teams were the best in Equestria. I thought they were professional, hard working mares." > One of the catcaller's wings slowly extend, her face reddening > Just > Ignore that "I better not hear about this again, understand?" > They nod once, then flee > Downy exhales shakily > "Tarturus, Anon, remind me never to make you angry." "Whaaaat? Why would you ever worry about angering a harmless little stallion like me?" > Point Hexter snorts > "You are neither little nor harmless, officer Anonymous. Frankly, I am beginning to doubt whether or not you are even a stallion." > You rock back in mock pain "Whoa, sick burns from officer cold shoulder!" > She gives you a flat look as Downy giggles > "My name is Point Hexter. Enough of this, we have a beat to patrol. I suggest we do so." "Good point, Hexter. I'll try to reign in my shenanigans." > She nods sternly and takes the lead position > You fall into step with Downy > The pegasus beckons you closer with a wing, glancing at the unicorn > You lean down so she can whisper > "Don't worry, she's just being a hardflank because she doesn't swing your way. Normally she's much nicer." > You look speculatively at Point Hexter "Doesn't that also mean that she likes you? Like, like like?" > Point Hexter glares at you over her shoulder, her face reddening > "That is none of your business." > You hold up your hands in surrender > Downy Draft grins > "He's going to hear about from somepony. Pointy and I...we have a somewhat special arrangement. We won't herd, even though I am bi." > You shrug "Sounds reasonable." > Hexter stops and jabs a hoof out at you > "See? Even he thinks so!" > Downy ruffles her wings in a pegasusy shrug > "I wasn't raised as liberally as you two. Doesn't feel like a herd unless there's a stallion to take care of the foals. I still love you, pokeymuffin." > Hexter blushes furiously, then does an about face > "Th-that's enough talking, everypony. We're on duty, let's act like it." > You throw a mock salute "Yes ma'am!" > Downy smiles, and the three of you continue > Point Sexter had mostly gotten back to normal by the time the patrol found a stallion staring fretfully up into a densely limbed tree > Hexter glances significantly at you and Downy, then leads the way over > "What seems to be the problem, sir?" > The stallion paws nervously at the ground > "My foal is up there! Please, get him before he falls!" > Sounds like a job for officer monkey "He'll be down in a jiffy, sir." > "Anon-" > You scramble up the trunk, focused on the little colt up in the branches > You make it a few more feet before the little guy starts glowing and drifting down past you > You look down to see Point Hexter smirk at you, the colt soon reunited with his father > Laugh it up, fuzzball > When you make it back down, the two males had already wandered off > Hexter clears her throat > "I realise you want to be a powerful, self-reliant stallion that does not require the assistance of any mare, but we are on a patrol for a reason. I recognize the brutish strength of your monkey race, please do the same for my magic and Downy's flight." > You glance sidelong at Downy "Your marefriend has a sharp tongue." > "Well," "I like it! At any rate, I apologize Point Hexter, I will strive to be more aware of the individual strengths of this team, and my place in that." > The unicorn gives you a rare smile > "See that you do. Shall we go on?" > The rest of the day passes in a golden blur of small favors and the stern lecture > When you get back to the station, Gruff Puff is waiting for you > Point Hexter steps forward > "I am glad to report that officer Anonymous has successfully integrated into our patrol. We would have no objections if this would become his permanent assignment." > Gruff nods, not too surprised > "Good, good. I do have one question, though." > Hexter looks attentively > Gruff Puff pulls out a hoofwritten letter > "Why do I have a written apology from the major of the the weather team for her actions towards a stallion officer?" > ... "Wait, that was the major of the whole-" > Downy breaks down giggling > You round on her "You knew!" > The pegasus gasps for air > "It was priceless! She'll never live down getting tongue-lashed by a rookie ponicestallion!" > Point Hexter is smirking at you again > Gruff Puff is coughing suspiciously into her hoof > You raise your hands imploringly to the uncaring ponicestation ceiling "Mares!" > Hexter grins > "And now you finally act like a true stallion." > You stalk off to your desk while the three collapse in laughter > You have a job to do, and not even the mockery of lesbians and a cougar will keep you from it