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White Knight Squad by Bluebirdd065

By SlavePonyGeneral
Created: 2020-12-19 02:31:03
Expiry: Never
/spg/

  1. [Copied from https://pastebin.com/t0b0q4LS]
  2.  
  3. >You are Anon.
  4. >And holy shit are you fucking drunk.
  5. >”DUDE THIS IS GONNA BE FUCKING TIIIGHT.”
  6. “HELL YEAH IT IS! EY, TONY, YA GOT THE PACKAGE WITH YA?!”
  7. >”YEA’ MANG, GOT THAT SHIT RIGHT HEA, MOTHAFUCKA’!”
  8. >You all burst into retarded amounts of laughter.
  9. >”DUUUUDE, I SAY WE HIT UP A WALMART!”
  10. >Your good friend and buddy Tab looks at you for approval.
  11. >You put on a serious look for a second.
  12. ”…FUCK YEAH, LET’S FUCKING DO IT! HIT THE GAS, BITCH!!”
  13. >”AW YEAH, NEED FOR SPEED, MOTHERFUCKERS, WOOOOOOO!!!”
  14. >Tab cranks up the volume, rolls down all the windows, and steps on the gas petal.
  15. >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5fts7bj-so [Embed]
  16. >”YEEAAH, FUCK CHRISTMAS!!”
  17. >Loads of drunken singing and yelling later, the four of you take three car spaces in the Walmart parking lot and pour out.
  18. >Page helps the fourth out of the car.
  19. >Stumbling around on the asphalt is a mint green unicorn with a lyre on her ass.
  20. >Man, this has to be the coolest fucking thing you guys’ve done.
  21. >”Dude, this pony’s so fucking drunk right now!”
  22. >You watch her wobble around, trying to walk towards you.
  23. >You all start laughing.
  24. >She joins in.
  25. >”-Eheh, shhhhhut up! I’m not THAT drunk!”
  26. “Walk in a straight line!”
  27. >”Yeah, go for it!”
  28. >You all watch as she uses one of the lines of the parking lot to walk on.
  29. >She slowly leans to the left and walks into the car.
  30. >”AHAHAHA”
  31. “-HAHAHA, OH SHIT, SHE’S FUCKED UP!”
  32. >She starts giggling and takes a few steps back.
  33. >”Alright, alright, alright, MAAAYBE a BIT.”
  34. >Tab runs over and grabs a cart, then hops on and rides it towards us.
  35. >”Come on, let’s raid the fuck out of this store!”
  36. >Page starts chanting.
  37. >”Snacks, snacks, snacks!”
  38. >You all join in rather quickly.
  39. >You allow the pony to hop on your back, and you pretend to hold a sword up while you run and chant with everyone else.
  40. >”SNACKS, SNACKS, SNACKS, SNACKS!”
  41. >Soon, you enter the Walmart, yelling and laughing, much to the displeasure of the night-shift workers.
  42. >They simply stare, confused by you the most.
  43. >”YAR, WE BE HERE TO BE BUYIN’ YER GLORIOUS SNACK-FOODS!”
  44. >The workers just try their best to ignore you, and continue their duties.
  45. >You all grab carts and have a race to the bakery section of the store.
  46. >All while making retarded driving noises.
  47. “BEEP BEEP, MOTHERFUCKERS! VRROOM VRROOM!”
  48. >”-AHA, BLUE SHELL, BITCH!”
  49. >Tab looks over at Page with a confused look.
  50. >”BLUE SHELL? BITCH, THIS AIN’T MARIO KAR-“
  51. >-He smashes into a blue stand filled with Shell gift cards.
  52. >You three burst into laughter as the sound of Tab cursing from behind is heard.
  53. >The pony in your cart cheers you on, meanwhile.
  54. >Page glares at you and grins.
  55. >”WINNER GETS FREE DONUTS!”
  56. “YOU’RE ON, BIETCH!”
  57. >You spot the freezer section and the fresh vegetable section blocking your way.
  58. >Either you go left and dodge the fruits and vegetables, or the right, and dodge the workers through a narrower section.
  59. >Page is crazy focused on his cart.
  60. >You pull back a bit and dive into the frozen foods, while he goes vegetables.
  61. >One worker instantly screams and tries jumping into the freezer to avoid getting hit.
  62. >Another runs out.
  63. >The old man there doesn’t seem to give a shit.
  64. >He doesn’t even look.
  65. >You shoot out of the isle and spot the bakery.
  66. >You see Page, too.
  67. >He quickly grabs a bag of bread and throws it under your cart.
  68. >You step and slip on it, then send yourself and the pony flying into a shelf full of it.
  69. >The shelf breaks apart and spills bread all over you and the pony.
  70. >She screams and covers her head, then is softly pelted with mounds of bread.
  71. >Page skids to a halt and cheers, right in front of the bakery’s counter.
  72. >”FUCKIN’ WIIINNERRR!”
  73. >He looks at you.
  74. >”COUGH OVER DONUTS, BITCH!”
  75. >You sigh from the ground and pull out a five dollar bill from your pocket.
  76. >He snatches it away and grabs a box of glazed donuts.
  77. >The one worker at the bakery is just staring at the mess you all made.
  78. >Page simply throws the bill at the guy and helps you and the pony out, gently putting the donuts in the cart.
  79. >”’Aight, let’s go!”
  80. >”Yeah, I’m good!”
  81. >Tab comes over, holding a bunch of bags of chips and 2 liter bottles of soda, as well as beer.
  82. >He puts it in the cart, and you all casually begin walking to a register.
  83. >The lady there scans and processes everything besides the donuts, seeing you throw the cash at that guy.
  84. >She looks like she’s completely fucking done with life.
  85. >You hear the sound of boots tapping the ground, and soon, three officers and an animal control guy is there in front of you.
  86. >”Oh shit…”
  87. >”Play it cool…”
  88. >The officer walks up to you, first.
  89. “Good evening, officer!”
  90. >He looks at you with a confused look.
  91. >”…It’s three in the fucking morning.”
  92. “-Oh… Uh, good morning, officer!”
  93. >He shakes his head and does a motion with his hand.
  94. >”Hands behind your back.”
  95. >You pout.
  96. “Oh come on, officer! Isn’t there some way you can just, I dunno, leave us off with a warning?”
  97. >He glances at you four, then the carnage you caused in both the bakery and the gift card stand.
  98. >”…Not happening.”
  99. >The pony nudges and looks at you.
  100. >She mouths, ‘I got this.’
  101. >You nod.
  102. >She turns to the guy and bats her eyelashes.
  103. >”Are you SURE there’s no-“
  104. >”-Yes, I’m sure. Now, all of you, hands behind your-“
  105. >”-YOU ASKED FOR IT!”
  106. >The pony’s horn lights up, and this minty green aura swirls around her.
  107. >The three officers and animal control guys just back up.
  108. >One pulls out a taser-
  109. >Then the pony explodes.
  110. >-Or, the magic thing does.
  111. >Thankfully not her.
  112. >And it’s like some kind of EMP going off.
  113. >All the lights break, and the guys stumble around, rubbing their eyes.
  114. >The pony looks at you three.
  115. >”-MIND WIPING SPELL, LET’S GO!!”
  116. >Something clicks in your mind, and you four scream and go running outside, cart in tow.
  117. >Even the outside lights are dead.
  118. >The cameras are no longer blinking red.
  119. >You all sprint towards the car and throw everything in the back seat, then drive off.
  120. >The minute you get on the street, you all sigh.
  121. >”That, was fucking AWESOME!!”
  122. >You all start laughing.
  123. >You turn to the pony.
  124. “Man, I’m glad we didn’t give you those gay suppressant pills, that shit was INSANE!”
  125. >”Yeah, dude, I was all like, ‘Oh shit, we’re fucked,’ then this one was all lighting up and shit, and duuude, I thought we were going to get blown up or some shit!”
  126. >You all start laughing again.
  127. >Then it slowly gets silent.
  128. >”…Remember when Tab crashed into the gift card thing?”
  129. >You three start laughing.
  130. >Tab just glares.
  131. >”Fuck you guys!”
  132. >The laughter lasts another few moments, and then stops.
  133. >”…Besides, Anon and the pony crashing was funnier.”
  134. >”-AHAHAHA!”
  135. >Now it’s the pony and your turn to glare.
  136. “That was all cheating shit!”
  137. >They continue laughing.
  138. “Oh, speaking of cheating, gimme some of those fucking chips! I’m hungry!”
  139. >Tab stares out onto the road for a moment.
  140. >He slowly turns to you three with a small smile.
  141. >”…’Yall wanna get high?”
  142. >He pulls a bag from his pocket and waves it around.
  143. >There’s a silence.
  144. >”…Do bears shit in the woods?”
  145. >You all start laughing again.
  146. “Yeah, let’s do it!!”
  147. >”WOOOOO!”
  148. >
  149. “Look, you gotta hold it in for a bit so you don’t cough, then exhale.”
  150. >The pony nods, then holds the bong to her muzzle.
  151. >You light the bowl and watch her.
  152. “Alright, breathe in.”
  153. >She does so, and you can see the smoke building up.
  154. >You take it out and watch her suck everything out.
  155. >…It may’ve been a bit too much, actually.
  156. >She holds it in, then slowly exhales.
  157. >She only makes a tiny cough, then smiles.
  158. “…Holy shit, you took that like a fucking CHAMP!”
  159. >You all laugh.
  160. >”Damn, I never thought I’d be sitting down watching a horse get high with my friends.”
  161. >You all laugh harder.
  162. >You grab some chips and chew on them while doing so.
  163. >You launch chip shards at Page, causing him to freak out.
  164. >Which makes you all laugh even HARDER.
  165. >The pony clutches her stomach.
  166. >”I-HAHAHA- I-HEHEH- IT HURTS- HAHAHAHA!”
  167. >You point and laugh.
  168. “Duude, she’s got MAAAD giggles, right now!”
  169. >Tab grins and turns on the TV beside you.
  170. >”Let’s play some fucking games!”
  171. >You all cheer.
  172. >
  173. >”So, what ARE you, anyways?”
  174. >”I’m a unicorn.”
  175. >”Well no shit, but what ARE you? Like, why are you so colorful?”
  176. >She shrugs.
  177. “Hey, what’s your name, anyways?”
  178. >”Lyra Heartstrings!”
  179. “Lyra? Huh… that’s a pretty cool name.”
  180. >”And how’d you GET here?”
  181. >She pauses, and her ears fall flat.
  182. >You lower the TV’s volume.
  183. >”…Well… s-same as everypony else, really. Some bunch of guys in uniforms came into our world through a portal and took us here…”
  184. >She stares at the ground.
  185. >You, Tab and Page just look at each other awkwardly.
  186. >You’re all not sure how to deal with the sudden change of emotion.
  187. >”I-I was actually one of the lucky ones... A-anypony that tried to escape or attack was just killed… Others had… things, done to them, and then were killed… F-fillies, too…”
  188. >[Awkward staring intensifies]
  189. >”When we had first come through, a man had promised us food, shelter, and a place back home, when things were, ‘better,’ between our worlds…”
  190. >”…Damn. I heard on the news that we tried to negotiate peace, but were attacked by you guys…”
  191. >”Well, maybe we did, you never know. A few bad apples spoil the bunch, right? Probably some guys in the military, just being way in over their heads and attacking and shit, goin’ against orders? Vietnam stuff?”
  192. >They look at you for a comment.
  193. >You shrug.
  194. “That fucking sucks, though…”
  195. >They nod.
  196. >”They t-took away my friends, too…”
  197. >”They killed ‘em?”
  198. >She shakes her head.
  199. >”I-I don’t know WHAT they did in the beginning, b-but they separated all of us… S-some of m-my fillyhood friends are still where you picked me up…”
  200. >A single tear runs down her cheek.
  201. >You lean in and hold her close to you.
  202. >”Man, that is FUCKED up… Any idea what they’re doing with you guys? The separated ones?”
  203. >Lyra pauses.
  204. >”I-I don’t know…”
  205. >She nuzzles into you, slightly shaking.
  206. >Page turns to you.
  207. >”…Do you remember where we got Lyra from? The address?”
  208. >”The one next to the Blockbuster?”
  209. >”Oh, yeah, shit!”
  210. >Tab rubs his face in thought.
  211. >”…I think I got a stupid idea…”
  212. “-I’m in.”
  213. >Page nods in agreement.
  214. >Lyra’s ears perk up.
  215. >”…Alright, turn everything off, drop the snacks, and git yo asses in the car!”
  216. >You do a mock salute.
  217. “Yessir!”
  218. >
  219. >”Alright, so, we have toothpaste hair-“
  220. >”Minuette-“
  221. >”-I’m high and drunk, I won’t remember that shit- Lime Stars,-“
  222. >”-L-Lemon Hearts-“
  223. >”-Limon Farts-“
  224. “-Jesus Christ, dude, let me do this.”
  225. >Tap shrugs and continues driving.
  226. >You turn to the back seat, watching Page uncomfortably shifting in his seat.
  227. “Alright, we got Minuette, Lemon Hearts, Lyra- of course- Twinkleshine, and Moon Dancer… right?”
  228. >They all nod and smile.
  229. “Daaamn, five ponies…”
  230. >You sit back in your seat.
  231. “Are we starting some kind of Underground Railroad shit here?”
  232. >Tab pauses, then looks at you.
  233. >”…You want to?”
  234. >You stop and look at him like he’s retarded.
  235. “Do I WANT to? Dude, that’s a stupid question- how do you think shit in the White House goes down? ‘Hey, Mister President, shall we start a war with these ugly fuckers?’ ‘I dunno, you want to?’”
  236. >You three pause, then start laughing again.
  237. >”Oh, man, imagine that shit? That’s really fucking funny, right there…”
  238. >Tab turns to you again.
  239. >”We definitely could, though… We’ve definitely got the money for it…”
  240. >”-And the space!”
  241. >You nod.
  242. “Gotta love 401K and the stock market!”
  243. >”Cheers to that!”
  244. >You turn around and face the ponies.
  245. “What do YOU girls think? …Want us to save your friends?”
  246. >They instinctively nod.
  247. “Whelp, you heard it first here, fellas! White Knight Squad, to the rescuuueee!”
  248. >”-But let’s get baked some mooore-“
  249. “-Fuck yeeeaaah.”
  250. >You catch yourself mid-snore and blink.
  251. >-Immediately, you can feel something wet and warm on your thighs, and hear a soft slurping sound.
  252. >You jump and look up.
  253. >A mint green unicorn is sitting on your office chair, lazily slurping a cup of coffee a few feet from you.
  254. >"You sure talk a lot in your sleep," she grunts.
  255. >She's got bags under her eyes, and they're bloodshot.
  256. >Her mane is crazy disheveled.
  257. >You look down at yourself and see a sandy yellow unicorn with some mostly-red hair, drooling on your leg.
  258. "Oh god."
  259. >Your door opens, and you see Page, holding a yellow-coated, blue haired pony, and a blue-coated one with two-toned hair under his arms.
  260. >"Get up, motherfucker, we're getting coffee!"
  261. "Ugh, yes, thank sweet Jesus."
  262. >You throw the covers off of you and accidentally cover the sandy unicorn in the process.
  263. >...But she doesn't move.
  264. >She still softly snores.
  265. "Someone's a heavy sleeper."
  266. >"Wish I was."
  267. >The minty unicorn just looks at you with those golden, soul-less eyes of hers.
  268. >Ah, mornings.
  269. >Pure hell, even for interdimensional creatures.
  270. >You walk over to your dresser and throw on a hoodie and jeans.
  271. >The go-to outfit for lazy and depressed people alike.
  272. >But, then again, depression just makes you lazy.
  273. >While also being sad.
  274. >Huh.
  275. >You walk over and shake the sandy pony awake.
  276. >She immediately jumps and starts freaking out under the sheets.
  277. >Her horn tears through it.
  278. "Well, shit, good thing I didn't like that color."
  279. >You pull the sheet off and watch her look around.
  280. >"W-woah, I s-still feel w-weird..."
  281. "Yup, that's weed for you. Just give it a few."
  282. >She nods.
  283. "Alright, now let's all pile into the car for cooffeeee!"
  284. >The minty pony's horn lights up, and her mug just vanishes.
  285. "-Woah, that was pretty cool."
  286. >
  287. >There's a long string of silence in the car.
  288. >You have Lyra, the minty green pony, on your lap.
  289. >Page complained about being crushed in the back seat with five mares.
  290. >Then you promptly made a joke about that being the closest he's ever been to women.
  291. >Then you all laughed.
  292. >Now, it's just an uncomfortable silence as you drive to the nearest Starbucks.
  293. >"...So, when did we get these ponies?-"
  294. "-Good question-"
  295. >"-Yeah, I thought about that, too. Didn't want to say anything, though..."
  296. >The minty pony looks at you.
  297. >"And you didn't think to say anything SOONER?"
  298. >You shrug.
  299. "I've woken up to three pigs in my fucking room before."
  300. >Page laughs.
  301. >"I remember that..."
  302. "Yeah, had the smell of pig shit on my bed for weeks. At this point, I really don't question what we do."
  303. >The blue unicorn speaks up and looks at Tab.
  304. >"Y-you don't remember the speech you gave to all of us?"
  305. >He pauses, then shakes his head.
  306. >"Was it badass? Real moving, emotional shit?"
  307. >Her ears just flop, and she sits back in her seat.
  308. >The white, pink-haired one speaks up.
  309. >"You said that you'd save all the ponies! Give us all a home! Keep us all SAFE!"
  310. >"...Shit, I DID?"
  311. >She nods.
  312. >There's a long pause.
  313. >"...Sounds like fun, I'm down for that idea."
  314. "Like some Underground Railroad shit right here."
  315. >"Exactly! Now, don't worry ponies, you won't have to pick anymore cotton with US here!"
  316. >The white one seems confused.
  317. >"...Eh, it's a black joke. Don't tell it to anyone."
  318. >"...S-so, you ARE going to help us out? J-just like that?"
  319. >Tab shrugs.
  320. >"Yeah, why not? We've definitely got the money for it..."
  321. >"-And the space!"
  322. >You nod.
  323. >All the ponies look at you.
  324. "...Ey, there's Starbucks!"
  325. >Tab pulls into the place and sighs.
  326. >"Well, shit, it's fucking PACKED in the drive-through."
  327. "Well, yeah, no shit- who the hell would want to leave their cars in the morning? It's like, three fucking degrees right now."
  328. >"Well, it looks like WE have to, if we want any coffee."
  329. >You stare out the window.
  330. "...Hmm... Freeze our tits off, or wait a long-ass time?"
  331. >You, Tab, and Page share glances.
  332. >"I choose fucking quick coffee-"
  333. "Yeah, let's ditch this shit. Come on, ponies!"
  334. >Tab sets the car in the corner of the parking lot.
  335. >You open the car door and the minty pony hops off.
  336. >She was pretty warm on your lap, actually.
  337. >You're sure that coat of hers keeps nice and toasty.
  338. >Page opens his door, and the four ponies comically pour out of the car.
  339. >"-Gah, fuck! Someone kicked me in the face!"
  340. >The blue one shrinks.
  341. >"S-sorry..."
  342. >Page comes out, looking at her with a scowl and rubbing his face.
  343. >He then smiles and pats her head.
  344. >"Hell, I'll forgive you, but only because you're cute, and Colgate is literally the best toothpaste brand."
  345. "Hey, you talking shit about Crest, asshole?"
  346. >He turns and gets in your face.
  347. >"So what if I am?"
  348. >There's a silence between you two.
  349. >"Fuck BOTH you guys, it's all about Peelu!"
  350. >You both turn to Tab.
  351. "Peelu? You mean that gay herbal shit?"
  352. >"Fuck yeah, that gay herbal shit!"
  353. "Well, I'm sticking with whitener made of whale bones, thank you very much!"
  354. >"Oh, ya like having a Moby Dick in your mouth, dontcha?"
  355. "Ask your mom!"
  356. >Page laughs and starts throwing his hands.
  357. >"FUCKING DE-STROOOYEEED!"
  358. >He straightens his back and turns to the five ponies.
  359. >"Now, you see, ponies, that's what's known as a 'burn' in the human world. Take notes!"
  360. >"Ah, shut the fuck up. Now let's get some damn coffee."
  361. "Don't have to ask me twice! ...Or once, even."
  362. >You huddle the ponies together and all walk into the Starbucks.
  363. >Everything stops.
  364. >EveryONE stops.
  365. >They all look.
  366. >They look at the ponies, mostly.
  367. >Page huffs.
  368. >"...Take a picture, it'll last longer."
  369. >One guy brings his phone up and takes one.
  370. >"I didn't mean LITERALLY, dickwad! Jesus, can't a guy and his two friends get coffee with their ponies in PEACE?"
  371. >You all walk up to the counter.
  372. "Alright, you girls know what you want?"
  373. >They stare at the board.
  374. >"...There's so many choices..."
  375. >You wait a long while, then look at the guys.
  376. >"I'm good."
  377. >You turn to the girls again.
  378. "You know what you all want now?"
  379. >The minty one nods.
  380. >Then sandy.
  381. >Whitey, blue.
  382. >Yellow's having a really hard time.
  383. >"IIIIIII THIIIIINK I know what I want..."
  384. >Page shrugs.
  385. >"Good enough for me."
  386. >He walks up to the still stunned Starbucks employee.
  387. >You're not sure WHY they're stunned.
  388. >Sure, these ponies are fucking expensive, but they're nothing new.
  389. >"Alright, first off, make everything Venti."
  390. >The worker blinks and quickly starts nodding.
  391. >"R-right, all Venti's!"
  392. >"Yeah. So, I'll get an eggnog latte..."
  393. >He looks at Tab.
  394. >"Caramel brulee, sooon!"
  395. >Page looks at you.
  396. "Pumpkin spice, man!"
  397. >Tab snickers and nudges you.
  398. >"-Jesus, could you get any gayer, Anon?"
  399. "Aw, fuck off, caramel."
  400. >"-Alright, and a pumpkin spice, caramel brulee... Anon, what do the ponies want?"
  401. >You turn, kneel, and look at minty green first.
  402. >"I-I'll get the same as you..."
  403. >Next, the blue one.
  404. >"White chocolate latte!"
  405. >White pony next.
  406. >"Hmm... that 'raspberry very berry thing'."
  407. >Sandy one next.
  408. >"I-I'll take a sweet tea."
  409. >And now the yellow one last.
  410. >"...Gingerbread latte!"
  411. >You look at Page, and he nods.
  412. >"Alright, now, add another pumpkin spice, a white chocolate latte, a raspberry very berry-"
  413. >"-You mean the Starbucks’ Refreshing Raspberry Very Berry?"
  414. >Page pauses.
  415. "-Yeah, whatever, that. Then, I'll get a sweet tea-"
  416. >"You mean a Shaken Sweet Tea?"
  417. >Page stops again.
  418. >"Yeah, what-the-hell-ever. So I'll get that-"
  419. >"-The Shaken Sweet Tea-"
  420. >"YES. THE SHAKEN SWEET TEA... And THEN, I'll get a gingerbread latte-"
  421. >"Will that be a gingerbread latte, or a gingerbread TEA latte?"
  422. >"...What the fuck is the difference?"
  423. >"Well, sir, one is gingerbread, and the other is gingerbread TEA."
  424. >"...AND? What, does the tea throw in a fuckin' vial of magical fairy shit in it, too? What's the difference?"
  425. >"W-well, it's the tea-"
  426. >Page turns to the yellow pony.
  427. >"I dunno, do you want the fairy shit-infused tea?"
  428. >"I-I don't really mind either way..."
  429. >He turns back to the employee.
  430. >"Well there you go- make the thing a fuckin' tea or not, it's your choice- hell, you could mix BOTH into the fuckin' thing for all I care!"
  431. >The employee simply nods.
  432. >"Will that be all, sir?"
  433. >He glances at the ponies.
  434. >"...Fuck it, throw in those snowmen cookies, too. Five of them."
  435. >He snaps to the employee.
  436. >"And don't FUCKIN' ask me if I want tea cookies or some shit. Just fuckin' snowmen cookies, alright?"
  437. >"Yes, sir. Will that be all?"
  438. >"Yes."
  439. >"Alright, your total will come out to-"
  440. >"-Don't give a shit, just take the cards."
  441. >He hands the employee two cards.
  442. >The employee pauses, and looks at the golden card given to him.
  443. >"...This card says 'Pussyslayer', with two dollar signs and an 'at' symbol..."
  444. >Page grins.
  445. >"Yer goddamn right it does."
  446. >The guy just stares at the card for a moment.
  447. >"...That's… okay, then, I guess..."
  448. >He swipes the other card and looks at Page.
  449. >"Name, for the drinks?"
  450. >He grins.
  451. >"Use the name on the card."
  452. >Then he walks away cooly.
  453. >You and Tab just share retarded smiles and follow him.
  454. >You all take the black couch backed against the wall.
  455. >You three sit down, and the ponies hop up.
  456. >The minty one is a little too quick to hop on your lap.
  457. >The other four just awkwardly sit beside Page and Tab.
  458. >They give you a curious glance, then look at the unicorn sitting on you.
  459. >You shrug.
  460. >"…Man, isn't this like, one of those couches you see in pornos all the time? The casting couches and shit?"
  461. >You look at the seat.
  462. "Tab, you need a fucking girlfriend."
  463. >You and Page laugh.
  464. >"N-no, it's just, it's a real famous couch!"
  465. >"Oh, yeah, sure! I remember seeing this thing on the furniture edition of Sports Illustrated!"
  466. >You both laugh again.
  467. >You then hear a soft sigh from behind the counter, then see two drinks put on it.
  468. >"...T-two drinks for... p-pussyslayer... caramel brulee and an eggnog latte..."
  469. >Page stands up and puts on a very sophisticated look while walking up to the counter.
  470. >"Thank you for the drinks, madame."
  471. >He pretends to tip a hat and walks back over to you guys.
  472. >"Is it actually written on the cup?"
  473. >Page nods and smiles.
  474. >"Check this shit out!"
  475. >He turns it to you both.
  476. >Sure enough, on it is 'Pu$$ysl@er', written in permanent marker.
  477. "That's badass."
  478. >"Fuck yeah, it is!"
  479. >
  480. >You're now back home, sipping coffee and watching the ponies eat cookies.
  481. >You adjust yourself in your seat.
  482. >Personally, you never really saw the need to have such a huge fuckin’ table in the house, but now with five ponies aboard, it didn’t seem so empty.
  483. >It was this long fucking thing that was handmade and made out of wood and crap.
  484. >It was a thing from Page’s family, and usually didn’t see much use in this house, unless a party was taking place.
  485. >So, Tab’s on one end, you’re on the other, and on your right side are all the ponies, the minty one being the closest to you.
  486. >On the other side, with the whole fuckin’ thing to himself is Page, pretty nearby Tab, but still pretty far away.
  487. >Tab clears his throat.
  488. >”Alrighty, so, first order of business, we’ll start with names, because I can’t remember a single fucking thing from last night.”
  489. >Tab looks at you and smiles.
  490. >”-Except for Anon and the minty pony crashing into the Walmart bakery, because who the fuck could forget something like THAT?”
  491. >He and Page starts laughing.
  492. “…Says the one who smashed into a gift card stand.”
  493. >”-OOOH, I remember that shit! Blue shell!”
  494. >Page starts cracking up.
  495. >”That shit was fuckin’ perfect, man…”
  496. >Tab just glares at him with the might of a thousand suns.
  497. >”Yeah, well anyways, we need names...”
  498. >He points at minty.
  499. >”What’s yours?”
  500. >She smiles.
  501. >”Oh! Lyra Heartstrings!”
  502. >Tab nods and looks at the blue one.
  503. >”Minuette!”
  504. >Sandy one.
  505. >”M-Moondancer.”
  506. >Yellow.
  507. >”…LEMON. HEARTS.”
  508. >Tab gives a confused look in return and just nods.
  509. >White.
  510. >-Or is it more cream color?
  511. >…Who cares.
  512. >”Twinkleshine.”
  513. >”Huh, alright... I mean, they all kinda sound like smoothie flavors, or cocktails, or something, but I’m sure I’ll remember them.”
  514. >He smiles.
  515. >”Now, NEXT order of business…”
  516. >He reaches under the table and pulls out a bong.
  517. >”Who wants some of-“
  518. >You and Page instantly shoot your hands up.
  519. >He just grins.
  520. >”Alright! …Ponies? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, though.”
  521. >Lyra glances at you and your raised hand, then slowly raises a hoof herself.
  522. >”-Hoo, back for seconds? That’s what I’m fuckin’ talkin’ about! Atta girl!”
  523. “Oh man, this should be fun.”
  524. >Lyra looks at you and beams.
  525. >The other four just kinda look at each other.
  526. >Minuette speaks up.
  527. >”I-I remember that stuff making me feel pretty weird…”
  528. >She glances at the bong.
  529. >”…A-a good weird… I’m in!”
  530. >She raises her hoof.
  531. >Holy shit, this is cool.
  532. >The more, the merrier, right?
  533. >The remaining three just look at each other.
  534. >Twinkleshine shrugs, then raises her hoof.
  535. >Lemon Hearts and Moondancer soon follow.
  536. >”Fuck yeah, that’s what I’m fuckin’ talkin’ about! Page, get some food!”
  537. >He nods and smiles.
  538. >”Fuck yeah!”
  539. >He hops out of his chair and runs towards the kitchen.
  540. >”MUUUNCHIIIEEES!”
  541. >…This’ll definitely be fun.
  542. >
  543. >”Alright, so, on a scale of one to ten, how fuckin’ baked are you all? I’m, like, a six or seven!”
  544. >You raise your hand and smile.
  545. “Seeeveeen…”
  546. >Page raises his hand.
  547. >”Pft, four.”
  548. >”-Yeah, because you decided make a fuck-load of sandwiches! Now, hurry and take this shit, it’s cherry!”
  549. >Tab hands the bong over to Page.
  550. >You look at the five ponies all sitting at the table.
  551. >Minuette and Twinkleshine are trying to play patty cake, it seems.
  552. >Lyra’s purring and leaning into you like a cat.
  553. >Moondancer is trying to make a house of cards with her magic.
  554. >Lemon Hearts is cheering her on and gasping at every move she makes.
  555. >And you don’t know what day it is.
  556. >Tab clears his throat.
  557. >”Alright, everyone, it’s serious business time! Listen up!”
  558. >Everyone quiets down pretty quickly and looks at him.
  559. >”Alright, so, if we’re going to be doing this ‘saving all the ponies’ thing, we oughta talk about living situations! Our goal here is to get as many ponies as humanely possible, like some kind of Schindler’s List type shit, and with more ponies, we’ll need more space! As for now, though, would you five prefer your own rooms, prefer to-“
  560. >Lyra raises a hoof.
  561. >”I wanna sleep with Anon!”
  562. >Everyone looks at her.
  563. >You’re taking a bit too long to formulate a response.
  564. >”…Huh, you’re probably the first woman in his LIFE to say that!”
  565. >Page and Tab laugh, and the ponies soon instinctively follow.
  566. “Naaaw, the first was your MOM!”
  567. >The ponies all ‘ooh’ at the comment and look at Tab.
  568. >”Oh, so you’re into saggy tits, now? Remind me not to take you to anymore strip clubs!”
  569. >Page laughs and accidentally sprays breadcrumbs at the ponies.
  570. >They scream and all laugh.
  571. >Lyra’s too busy just trying to nuzzle you without falling out of her seat.
  572. >You pick her up and put her on your lap, wrapping both arms around her waist- or whatever the fuck it’s called with ponies.
  573. >You start instinctively petting her tummy, and the fluff that’s covering it all.
  574. >You hear her gasp and feel her tail flick, but you stay focused on Tab.
  575. >”-Aheheh… But, yeeaah, anyways, living stuff. So, Lyra will stay with Anon, aaand how about you girls?”
  576. >They think for a moment.
  577. >”Separate rooms.”
  578. >”Yeah, separate. I don’t want to wake anypony up with my snoring…”
  579. >Tab just nods.
  580. >”Aaand, that means we gotta go bed shopping!”
  581. >You lose yourself in the thought immediately.
  582. >Going to a Mattress Firm and just jumping on everything sounds pretty fucking cool, actually.
  583. >”Before, though, I did some researching and shit…”
  584. >He tries his best to put on a serious face, and pulls some folded papers from his pocket.
  585. >You can tell that he actually IS serious, but being high and relaxed as shit doesn’t make it look so.
  586. >He unfolds them and brings out a pen.
  587. >”I’ve found that there’s another shelter about thirty miles from the last one, originally holding four ponies. The fourth one was taken by some guy for his daughter to play with…”
  588. >Before you can ask how he knows that, he reads your damn mind.
  589. >”-Facebook is a stuuupid easy way to get shit on people, man.”
  590. >He separates the papers and slides them over to Twinkleshine.
  591. >”Tell me if you recognize these ponies.”
  592. >”Hey, I know that pony! That’s Sunlight Smiles!”
  593. >”There’s Sea Swirl!”
  594. >Lyra peeks at it and beams.
  595. >”IT’S ROSELUCK AND BON BON!!”
  596. >She leans over and glances at the pictures.
  597. >Her tail wags in excitement, then flicks at your face like a whip.
  598. “Ow.”
  599. >You rub your face, and Minuette gasps.
  600. >”Which one was taken in by the family??”
  601. >Tab looks over and points at one of the pictures.
  602. >”That one.”
  603. >Lyra’s ears fall.
  604. >”Th…that’s Bon Bon…”
  605. >You share awkward glances with Page and Tab again.
  606. >Tab waves his hands.
  607. >”I’m sure we can buy the shit out of her from that family. Ponies are expensive, but so are we.”
  608. >Lyra’s ears perk up.
  609. >”Th-then what are we waiting for?! Let’s go get them!!”
  610. >Tab looks over at you.
  611. >You simply shrug.
  612. >"...Well, why the fuck not? Let's get in the car, fellas!"
  613. >Page picks up a bag from beside him and starts shoveling chips into his mouth.
  614. >”W-wait! Lemme finish thish shit firsht!!”
  615. >
  616. >Because the family with Bon Bon was closer than the shelter, you all chose that as the first destination.
  617. >Tab puts the car in park and looks past Lyra, who’s sitting in your lap once again.
  618. >He turns to you and Page.
  619. >”Alright, his house looks pretty shit, so this should be easy. But, if it’s not…”
  620. >He does a hand motion and waves you both to leave the car.
  621. “Alright, stay here, girls.”
  622. >You put Lyra on the seat and get out of the car, while Page tries to slink his way through the other four.
  623. >He sighs and closes the door.
  624. >”You know, I love how fast and cool this car is, but I really think we should invest in a fucking van or something, because that shit’s crowded as hell.”
  625. “Still not seeing what the problem is, here. They’re all fluffy as hell.”
  626. >”Yeah, why WOULDN’T you want to be crushed with a bunch of them? They’re like walking fucking pillows, man!”
  627. >Page sighs, and you both walk over to the trunk as Tab pops it open.
  628. >”...What the fuck is this?”
  629. >You’re looking at a case filled with spy-shit.
  630. >You have a grappling hook, those suction cup thingies you climb walls with, a huge green laser pointer, three black outfits, and three Kevlar vests.
  631. “...When the fuck did you get THIS?”
  632. >”Hmm, about a week ago. ‘Member when we devised that whole plan on how we could rob a bank?”
  633. >You nod.
  634. “Oh, yeah, I remember that...”
  635. >Tab lifts his finger up.
  636. >”But, that’s not all. Check this shit out.”
  637. >He pushes the case to the side, and in another, larger case, is three assault rifles, three shotguns, and three pistols.
  638. >”Holy fucking shit, dude!”
  639. >”I know, right?”
  640. “...We’re not actually going to rob a fucking bank, are we?”
  641. >”Naw, fuck that. The idea was pretty damn cool, though, so I threw these things into the bundle. I was actually planning on using them sometime this week! You know, go out into the desert, shoot whatever the fuck we want!”
  642. “That’s a real redneck way of thinking, Tab.”
  643. >”Yeah, well, rednecks definitely have a good idea about what is fun over there.”
  644. >”Yeah, incest sounds like a fucking blast.”
  645. >”-Everything but that shit. I also LIKE personal hygiene, thank you. This is just if we get bored or some shit.”
  646. “Why show us NOW, though? You want us to shoot the fuckin’ family up for the pony, or what?!”
  647. >”What? Hell no! I mean, shit, you COULD, but I wouldn’t-“
  648. “I’m not shooting up a family, man!”
  649. >”-Looklooklook, I’m not saying we shoot up the fuckin’ family, but let’s say that in the rare chance, this guy doesn’t want our money- what then?”
  650. >You and Page are silent.
  651. >”Yeah, exactly. SO, I was thinkin’ we have some kind of code word or some shit, so if the guy doesn’t budge, you two can just go behind his back and take it!”
  652. >”…Dude, that’s crazy.”
  653. >”Yeah, think about it, though! I strictly remember Lyra in there being able to use some flashing rave-tactic or whatever the fuck to let us roam free, so even IF we get caught, we can just flash the bitch and drive off!”
  654. >You and Page glance at each other.
  655. “Fuck it, I’m down for this shit. Let’s do it!”
  656. >”…Sure, why not? YOLO, right?”
  657. >You and Tab just pause and stare.
  658. “…Don’t say that shit in our presence ever again, alright?”
  659. >
  660. >…
  661. >You are Tab.
  662. >And you’ve got this shit.
  663. >You put on a friendly smile and ring the doorbell.
  664. >You stand by and wait a moment.
  665. >It gives you a bit to think.
  666. >And you think you’re really hungry.
  667. >You should’ve taken a bag of chips from the hous-
  668. >The door clicks open, and you straighten yourself.
  669. >Some middle-aged dude pulls the door open and looks at you.
  670. >”Uh, yes, may I help you?”
  671. “Good Evening- afternoon- something, sir! My name is Tab, and I heard that you recently got a pony person from the shelter!”
  672. >He slowly nods, and leans on the doorframe.
  673. >”Yes, what of it?”
  674. “Well, sir, I have come to ask if I my purchase this pony! I assure you, I’m very good for it, and can maybe even pay more than what YOU did for it!”
  675. >He leans in a bit, looking into your eyes.
  676. >”…Are you high?”
  677. “-Yes, very much so, sir! Now, in my pocket is loads of cold, hard cash, and I’m asking how much you’d like to sell your pony to me for!”
  678. >He folds his arms.
  679. >”She’s not for sale. It’s for my daughter.”
  680. “I am aware of that, sir, but please, I hav-“
  681. >”-Listen, I heard that these ponies are one of a kind, and this one took about three months of saving up to get. Now, I don’t know who you are, but you have some kind of nerve to come to MY doorstep, HIGH, and ask to buy what took me three weeks of overtime to get for my little girl! Now, I ask that you kindly get the FUCK off my doorstep before I call the cops and get that precious little car of yours taken away from-“
  682. “-WOW, THAT REALLY FUCKING SUCKS!”
  683. >The guy pauses.
  684. >”...What the fuck was that? What did you just do?”
  685. >…
  686. >You are now Anon.
  687. >”WOW, THAT REALLY FUCKING SUCKS!”
  688. >”Oh shit, there’s the code! Let’s get that fuckin’ pony!”
  689. “Man, that guy sounds like an asshole!”
  690. >”Right? Imagine what he does to girl scouts!”
  691. >You pull the black beanie over your head and hop over the fence.
  692. >Immediately, in the backyard, you see a little wooden shed with a sign saying ‘Bon Bon’ on it.
  693. >It’s got a big bow on it.
  694. >”Alright, so what are gonna do, here? Just smash the thing?”
  695. >You shake your head and bust out the laser pointer.
  696. “Let’s see if this thing works like in the movies.”
  697. >You move to the side and to the very end of it, then turn the thing on.
  698. >The second it touches the wood, it starts burning rather quickly.
  699. >”Holy shit, is this thing even fucking LEGAL?”
  700. “I don’t know, but it’s pretty damn cool.”
  701. >You hear a few steps from inside.
  702. >”W-who’s there?”
  703. >”Don’t worry, Bon Bon, we’re bustin’ you the fuck out of here! We got your buddy Lyra with us!”
  704. >You hear a soft gasp, then some rattling chains.
  705. >”R-really? W-where?”
  706. “In our car! Let us just get you the fuck outta here, and we’ll take you to her!”
  707. >There’s a pause.
  708. >”H-how do I know you’re telling the truth?”
  709. >”Because people can’t keep secrets while they’re high!”
  710. “She’s the minty green one with the lyre on her butt, right?”
  711. >You hear two taps on the wall.
  712. >”Y-yes, that’s her!”
  713. >”Alright, so, then, we’ll need you to continue staying away from the end of the shed!”
  714. >”O-okay!”
  715. >You finish off your burned circle and grin.
  716. >You take a moment to admire it.
  717. “Man, fuck my art teacher for saying I couldn’t make perfect circles.”
  718. >”Alright, heads up!”
  719. >You kick right in the middle of the circle and watch it break perfectly.
  720. >You giggle like a little girl.
  721. “Man, this is like some crazy Mission Impossible shit!”
  722. >"-Doo-doo, doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-"
  723. >Page starts reciting the MI theme while you hop inside the hole and see the pony.
  724. >She's a yellow cream color, with a two-toned pink and purplish/indigo/blue/whocares mane.
  725. >She's also got candies on her ass.
  726. >And is DEFINITELY chained.
  727. "Aw shit, nigga!"
  728. >Page pokes his head through the hole.
  729. >"-What?"
  730. >You point at the chain.
  731. "Look at that shit!"
  732. >"Oh, shit!"
  733. "Yeah, shit!"
  734. >"What the shit are we gonna do about this shit?!"
  735. "I dunno, but if you stop being a shit, I can figure out this shit!"
  736. >You both stare at each other.
  737. >Then laugh.
  738. >"...C-can you hurry and free me, now?"
  739. >"-Oh shit, right!"
  740. >You turn to her.
  741. "Yeah, sorry, we're fuckin' baked right now."
  742. >Page nods.
  743. >"...Baked? So... you're cooked?"
  744. >You both shake your heads.
  745. "You'll figure out what it means soon enough! Hell, even Lyra's baked! She really knows how to smoke, man."
  746. >"Yeah, for a beginner, she's pretty good! I was expecting her to throw up all over Anon the first time she hit the bong!"
  747. "Yeah, we didn't even think of letting her do a simple joint first, but damn, she OWNED that shit!"
  748. >"Mhmmm!"
  749. "-Oh, right, prison break!"
  750. >You pull out the laser pointer and aim it at the base of the chain.
  751. >After a few seconds, you see the part start to glow orange.
  752. "Holy shit, this thing's so cool. Page, come in here!"
  753. >He does so and looks at the chain.
  754. "Kick that shit- snap it off!"
  755. >He nods, then promptly kicks that shit.
  756. >The chain doesn't snap, but the wood underneath the chain's base does.
  757. "...Oh... Meh, close enough. Kick it again!"
  758. >He does so, and the wood cracks and creaks again.
  759. >You grab the chain and with a little help, break the part off.
  760. >But now you have a huge chain and a metal plate to deal with.
  761. "Alright, let's get the fuck outta here!"
  762. >You wrap the chain around Bon Bon's belly and pick her up.
  763. >Page hops out of the hole in the wall, and you follow afterwards.
  764. >You can hear the argument in front still going on.
  765. >...
  766. >You're Tab again.
  767. >"What the hell are you even talking about?!"
  768. "All I'm saying is that getting high isn't so bad! There's a reason it's legal in Colorado, ya know!"
  769. >"It's just as bad as being drunk!"
  770. "YOU'RE just as bad as being drunk!"
  771. >"That makes no fucking sense!!"
  772. >Out of the corner of your eye, you see Anon and Page giving the signal.
  773. >You point behind the man.
  774. "HOLY SHIT A BLACK GUY STEALING YOUR TV! HE WENT INTO THAT ROOM!"
  775. >"-MOTHERFUCKERS!"
  776. >He turns around and walks inside.
  777. >You shut the door and run for the car.
  778. >Anon's carrying Bon Bon with a frightened look on his face, and a chain wrapped over her.
  779. >"CAR-CAR-CAR, LET'S FUCKIN' GOOO!"
  780. >You try your best to slide over the roof of the car.
  781. >It's not very slippery, so you end up just humping the hood for a few seconds.
  782. >You quickly hop off and jump into your seat.
  783. >"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, TAB?!"
  784. "I was trying some Starsky and Hutch shit!"
  785. >"You looked like you were fucking the car."
  786. >"WHO FUCKING CARES, HIT THE GAS!!"
  787. >You nod and step on it.
  788. >…
  789. >You're Anon.
  790. >And you now've got two mares on your lap, having a lovely reunion.
  791. >"B-Bon Bon?"
  792. >"Lyra!!"
  793. >Hey hug and start sobbing.
  794. >"I-I thought I LOST you, Bonnie!"
  795. >"I thought I lost you, too!!"
  796. >They start sobbing really loudly, rocking each other back and forth in their embrace.
  797. >You kinda just sit there awkwardly.
  798. >The other ponies are all smiling and watching the scene before them.
  799. >Lyra's horn brightens, and the collar around Bon Bon's neck falls off.
  800. >"Alrighty, well, time to head the shelter!"
  801. >
  802. >"Alright, I understand all the paperwork and shit needed for a talking pony, but do I REALLY need to fill the same form out THREE. FUCKING. TIMES?"
  803. >You shrug.
  804. >Tab just stares at the paper in front of him and sighs.
  805. >"The other shelter didn't ask for this shit..."
  806. >You sit back and sigh, slowly petting Lyra and Bon Bon, who now BOTH sat in your lap.
  807. >And you're slightly freaking the fuck out, because that lady behind the desk is giving you a weird look, and Bon Bon was fucking stolen from that old guy.
  808. >You're just hoping that she doesn't recognize her.
  809. >Or give a shit.
  810. >"Have you, or anyone in the household, had contact with any illegal substances, such as marijuana, in the past year?"
  811. >You grin.
  812. "Never!"
  813. >"Not in a million years!"
  814. >"Yeah, I don't even know what marijuana IS!"
  815. >You all start snickering.
  816. >Your eyes meet with the old lady behind the desk, staring at you with her dead, judgmental eyes.
  817. >Your smile kills itself.
  818. >She just shakes her head, then turns back to her desk.
  819. >Creepy-ass old people.
  820. >
  821. >The gates for the ponies open, and out come three ponies- two unicorn, one... regular.
  822. >You're not sure what they're technically called.
  823. >Though you should ask at some point.
  824. >'Regular' sounds like you're buying a goddamn pony burger combo at McDonald's.
  825. >The three walk out, and get assaulted by hugs from the six you currently have.
  826. >...Jesus...
  827. "Nine fuckin' ponies, man."
  828. >Tab nods.
  829. >"I feel like some kind of rebel leader for these ponies. Like some crazy Terminator shit."
  830. "Except this isn't illegal."
  831. >You all turn and look at Bon Bon.
  832. "...Well, MOSTLY."
  833. >"Why the fuck do YOU get to be the leader, though?"
  834. >Tab shrugs.
  835. >"I've played the most roles, here! I'm like, the mastermind, and you fucks are my trusty butler-nigger-slaves."
  836. "Butler-nigger-slaves?"
  837. >"Damn right. I'm thinking of investing in some French maid outfits for you both."
  838. "Do you think about it before you sleep?"
  839. >Tab shakes his head.
  840. >"That would be your mom."
  841. >He realizes what he said and pauses.
  842. >"-Shit, sorry man, I forgot..."
  843. >You grin.
  844. "Forgot that you have a thing for dead bodies? I'm glad;
  845. nobody wants to know that shit."
  846. >He softly smiles, and puts his hands in his pockets.
  847. >"Yeah... Sorry, though, ab-"
  848. >"-Can we go to the house, now?"
  849. >You turn to your side and see all the ponies looking at you.
  850. >And inside, you’re slightly grateful for the change of subject.
  851. "I’m not the driver- ask Tab.”
  852. >They instantly all turn to him.
  853. >"-Oh, uh, yeah, let's go get the new ponies stoned!”
  854. >
  855. >"WELCOME, to my humble abode. Mi casa, su casa."
  856. >"-PFT, YOUR humble abode? I recall paying a hefty sum for this baby!"
  857. >Tab smiles.
  858. "Sixty nine thousand, six hundred ninety."
  859. >You all grin and pass a few knowing looks.
  860. >The ponies have no idea what's going on.
  861. >"So then, which of you want to get even HIGHER?"
  862. >Lyra springs her hoof up.
  863. >You all just slowly turn to her.
  864. >Tab looks at you and smiles.
  865. >"You have excellent choice in ponies, Anon.”
  866. >You simply nod.
  867. >
  868. >"Alright, so, currently, it's three in the morning! Or the night... What the fuck was I saying, again?"
  869. >Tab slowly sits back down, lost in thought.
  870. >Jesus fucking Christ, you are stoned.
  871. >Fuckin' dabs, man...
  872. >You're so relaxed, you can't even stop your eyelids from staying half-lidded.
  873. "We should so play Monopoly."
  874. >Page flings his bag of chips.
  875. "-I'LL GET THAT SHIT!"
  876. >
  877. >"So, you're supposed to buy all the houses to win?"
  878. >Lyra looks at you with those big, golden eyes of hers.
  879. >She's so stoned.
  880. >Hell, YOU'RE so stoned.
  881. "No, no, ya see, you gotta take these monies- the dough-the cash- of everyone!!"
  882. >You throw your hands up and start laughing maniacally.
  883. >Everyone takes a few seconds to look at you.
  884. >Tab just points, laughs, and passes out.
  885. >You take a few to simply process the scene before you, then smile.
  886. "Told you you were a lightweight, Tab."
  887. >"...I still don't get the rules..."
  888. >You smile.
  889. "I'm sure you'll figure it out."
  890. >You hear a small pony squeak in excitement.
  891. >You both turn to it.
  892. "...What? What is it?"
  893. >"...Uh, n-nothing!"
  894. >"What?"
  895. >She pauses for a second, then says.
  896. >"Cash is THIS stuff, right?"
  897. >She flashes a load of multicolored bills.
  898. >You frown.
  899. "Fuck... maybe?"
  900. >-You gotta step it up.
  901. >A pony's kicking your ass, at your OWN game!
  902. >Literally AND figuratively!
  903. >...Shit...
  904. >"Hey, I bought the two blue spots and all the train parts! Those are good, right?"
  905. >You slam your head on the table.
  906. "Fucking niggerdicks, I don't like this game anymore..."
  907. >Page, meanwhile, is really focused on the board.
  908. >He softly tosses the dice and bites his lip.
  909. >He rolls two ones.
  910. >He stares at the dice, eyes slightly twitching.
  911. >He smacks the table, then flips the board over.
  912. >Fake cash and game pieces go flying everywhere.
  913. >All the ponies just stare at the board for a second.
  914. >Sea Swirl's the only one who reacts.
  915. >She flails her hooves.
  916. >"WOOOAH, JEEZ!"
  917. >Then she starts laughing.
  918. "…Come on, Page, I know you have an extra chromosome, but can you not show it off to the ponies?”
  919. >Then you start laughing.
  920. >You only stop when you almost gag your insides out.
  921. >"Eey, FUCK you, man! Let's play fuckin' Jenga! I'll kick your ass!"
  922. >You laugh even harder.
  923. >Page just watches, then angrily leaves his seat and storms over to you.
  924. >You lean back in your chair, cackling like some old lady on crack.
  925. >Then you suddenly feel something bubble up, and you throw up on yourself.
  926. >Page walks up, looking pissed as ever.
  927. >Then he stops, and stares.
  928. >You casually look down at the vomit, then turn to him with a pitiful look.
  929. "…I'm so sorry."
  930. >He just laughs.
  931. >You stare at your now stained shirt.
  932. "...Dammit."
  933. >You slowly turn to the table.
  934. "...I'm hungry."
  935. >You grab a bag of chips and start loudly chewing on them.
  936. >Lyra looks at you, then smiles.
  937. >"Hehehe, you threw up on your shirt."
  938. "Pft, I've got plenty of others!"
  939. >...You think.
  940. >Fuck it.
  941. >You take your shirt off, then continue munching lazily on the chips.
  942. >Lyra and all the ponies turn to you, blushing furiously.
  943. >You gasp.
  944. "Why are you all red- holy FUCK, is there some kind of pony fever spreading around!? Fuck!"
  945. >You pull a clean part or the shirt to your mouth and hold your breath.
  946. >Page looks at you and rolls his eyes.
  947. >"Look, I know you've started working out man, but that won't fix your fugly face- and showing off definitely doesn’t help!"
  948. >You grin.
  949. "Do you even lift?”
  950. >He just stares at you and deeply frowns.
  951. >”Don’t ever say that in my presence again. Like, for as long as I fucking live.”
  952. >You wave it off.
  953. “Whatev’s.”
  954. >Page visibly cringes.
  955. >You turn away feeling another pair of eyes on you and see how much closer Lyra and Bon Bon it to you.
  956. >…Or was their seat just always that close to you?
  957. “Did you teleport or some shit? Do you think you could pick up some groceries for me? More chips?”
  958. >Lyra just stares at your chest, obviously out of it.
  959. >Holy shit, she’s so stoned, she doesn’t know what she’s looking at.
  960. “Hey, so what year is it?”
  961. >Page pauses and puts a hand under his chin.
  962. >”Still two thousand fifteen, as far as I know. Still no Back to The Future shit. No hover boards, yet.”
  963. >Tab springs up from the table.
  964. >”Ya know, that’s what I think is bullshit. Everyone ever always thinks that like, thirty years from their time, we’ll have like, flying cars and cities and shit, and then thirty years pass, and all we got to show for it is Facebook, touchscreen phones, and gay music.”
  965. >”Says the one with three Katy Perry albums on his phone.”
  966. >”-Hey, fucker, she’s actually got talent! Plus, man, California Girls was an AMAZING video. Completely changes the definition of ‘eye candy’ in my book, for sure.”
  967. >You pretend to gasp.
  968. “You’re ACTUALLY into women? Damn, that means I have to return the vibrator I got your lonely ass for Christmas!”
  969. >Page laughs himself into a coughing fit.
  970. >”Hardy fuckin’ har, you fat fuck.”
  971. >You frown and look at him like he’s retarded.
  972. >You’re fit as shit!
  973. >-Well, sorta.
  974. >Still no crazy bulging muscles, but hell, much better than you have the past few years.
  975. >All that ice cream and unhealthy eating…
  976. >-And to think you lost all that in only a year!
  977. >A six whole years after the accid-
  978. >You catch yourself and sigh.
  979. >…Well, at least you’re bettering yourself NOW.
  980. >You’re sure Mom would be proud of who you are now.
  981. >
  982. “Hey, so do we still have any dab left?”
  983. >Tab grins and grabs another bong from under the table.
  984. >”Yes ma’am! Step right up!”
  985. >Yeah, REAL proud.
  986.  
  987. >You lazily open your eyes and yawn.
  988. >You've got Lyra sleeping on your chest, and Bon Bon on your stomach.
  989. >You're also very much lacking in the shirt department, and have crazy morning wood.
  990. >Saucy dreams about owning the Playboy mansion will do that to you.
  991. >You try to think of Page's wrinkly old mother to will it down.
  992. >In response, your dick practically implodes and shrinks down with alarming speed.
  993. >Because Page's mom is seriously that ugly.
  994. >Lyra slowly stirs awake, and smiles at you.
  995. >It's nowhere near the life-less gaze she had yesterday morning.
  996. >It's a tranquil, pleasant look.
  997. >Then, it quickly transitions into a sultry one.
  998. >You're really too tired to notice, though.
  999. >You yawn again, which causes her to imitate you.
  1000. >Bon Bon catches herself mid-snore and wakes up.
  1001. >She looks at you both and yawns.
  1002. >Then you yawn.
  1003. >Then Lyra.
  1004. >And Jesus.
  1005. >The bedroom door opens, and in comes Page.
  1006. >He immediately yawns, then turns away.
  1007. >"Goddamn it, why's everybody yawwwniiing?"
  1008. >You shrug and yawn again.
  1009. >"Well, fuck, come down- we're getting breakfast!"
  1010. >Page walks away, yawning again.
  1011. >You turn away from the two ponies and stay there until they stop yawning.
  1012. "Alright, so, are we done with the yawning-"
  1013. >Lyra yawns.
  1014. "GOOOoood damnit!"
  1015. >
  1016. >You stifle a yawn as you take shotgun in the car.
  1017. >Lyra, Bon Bon, Sea Swirl and Roseluck jump in after you.
  1018. >The rest shack up with Page, and you just watch him get crushed with an amused look.
  1019. >"Yeah, so on top of breakfast, we're getting a bigger car today."
  1020. "Might as well get a damn bus."
  1021. >"...Is owning one even legal?"
  1022. "Is ANYTHING we do legal?"
  1023. >"That's a good point."
  1024. >"Yeah, but still, I was thinking more of just RV or some shit, so we don't look like we're carrying the next load of horses to the glue factory- or to the pony equivalent of Auschwitz."
  1025. >You nod.
  1026. "Hell, I've always wanted an RV. I'm down for that."
  1027. >"I just need some breathing room. I'll take anything."
  1028. >"-Alright, then, it's settled! But, before we do that, let's get some damn breakfast!"
  1029. "Yes PLEASE."
  1030. >"Hell yes."
  1031. >Tab turns the keys and yawns.
  1032. >
  1033. >You step inside and see the surprising lack of people flooding the place.
  1034. >The lady behind the counter looks up from her phone.
  1035. >"Hello, welcome to IHooooooop..."
  1036. >The waitress just stares at you three, and the nine ponies standing around you.
  1037. >"Table for twelve, please."
  1038. >She blinks for a second, then grabs a bunch of menus.
  1039. >"Alright, r-right this way, sir."
  1040. >You all follow the waitress, seeing all the workers peeking around and looking at the ponies.
  1041. >All the girls just smile and gawk at them.
  1042. >You're all led to a huge booth that doesn't actually look big enough for all the ponies.
  1043. >They all pile in and-
  1044. >Well shit, they actually fit.
  1045. >Lyra pats the spot beside her with a hoof and smiles at you.
  1046. >Tab nudges you shoulder.
  1047. >"Shouldn't keep your lady waiting, Anon."
  1048. "Ah, fuck you."
  1049. >You hop into the booth and immediately get hugged by her.
  1050. >Why this pony likes you so much, you'll never know, but pony hugs are great.
  1051. "Oh my god, you're so soft."
  1052. >You return the hug with a smile.
  1053. >...
  1054. >You are Tab.
  1055. >And why Anon likes that pony so much, you'll never know.
  1056. >Though, her curious and excitable nature with weed might be apart of it.
  1057. >You sit down on the opposite side of the booth with Page, and pick up a menu.
  1058. >IHOP, though widely known for pancakes, has the best damn omelets.
  1059. >-Or this location does, rather.
  1060. >You sift through the menu for a second, then set it down.
  1061. >You glance over at the ponies and observe them scrunching their faces in disgust.
  1062. "Don't like meat, huh?"
  1063. >Minuette shakes her head.
  1064. >"I-I've never tried it, before..."
  1065. "It's pretty good, actually. Don't knock it 'till you try it."
  1066. >She stares wearily at her menu.
  1067. "I recommend just getting the pancakes, if you guys don't want meat. They can give you toast or hash browns on the side."
  1068. >They all nod, then resume scanning their menus.
  1069. >And somehow, all manage to look absolutely adorable while doing so.
  1070. "You guys should probably decide on drinks, too. They're on the back of the menu."
  1071. >All the ponies flip it over to the other side and stare at it.
  1072. >"...Who's Dr. Pepper?"
  1073. >Page starts snickering from behind his menu, and you suppress a giggle as best you can.
  1074. "D-Dr. Pepper is the name of a soft drink."
  1075. >"OOOoooh."
  1076. >"What about Mountain Dew?"
  1077. >You nod.
  1078. "Another drink."
  1079. >"Is it good?"
  1080. >You viciously nod, just in time to see Page and Anon imitating you perfectly.
  1081. "Though, you might not think so. It's personal preference."
  1082. >Twinkleshine places a hoof over her mouth, contemplating.
  1083. >Minuette raises a hoof, asking for your attention.
  1084. >"What does it taste like?"
  1085. >"Freedom."
  1086. >"Black Ops Three."
  1087. “Something citrusy.”
  1088. >You all share confused looks.
  1089. “Oh, shut the fuck up!”
  1090. >You turn back to the girls and sigh.
  1091. “It’s all personal preference. You gotta try it to know what it tastes like.”
  1092. >Minuette swaps unsure glances with the other eight.
  1093. “Look, how about you girls get some juice, or coffee or something, and I’ll ask for a sample of all the soft drinks. Sound good?”
  1094. >They share another few looks, then nod at you.
  1095. “Alright, now start looking for the main course!”
  1096. >The nine all scramble to glance at their menus.
  1097. >…
  1098. >You are now Page.
  1099. >And holy shit are these ponies cute.
  1100. >And that’s not something you say often.
  1101. >…Even though you TECHNICALLY didn’t say it.
  1102. >You thought it.
  1103. >But it’s the same shit.
  1104. >Thinking is just talking to yourself.
  1105. >-Why the fuck are you thinking about this?
  1106. >You look over your menu for a second.
  1107. >-Fuck yeah, bacon omelet.
  1108. >Can never have too much meat on your plate.
  1109. >Unless it’s like, monkey meat, or something freaky like that.
  1110. >Though, you heard that human tastes like pork, so… maybe.
  1111. >But only in real, crazy-type survival situations, you know?
  1112. >Jesus, Anon and Lyra are really cuddling the shit out of each other.
  1113. >…It’s making you kind of jealous.
  1114. >You look to your side and see Colgate looking at them, as well.
  1115. >You know that her name’s Minuette, but Colgate seems much more fitting, on account of her toothpaste-y hair.
  1116. >And she doesn’t seem to mind, so it’s alright.
  1117. >She looks away and sees you, then blushes.
  1118. >You just smile and wrap an arm around her.
  1119. >She seems to be freaked out for a second, then just smiles and returns the gesture.
  1120. >If you weren’t having problems with your heart before this, you will now, for sure.
  1121. >You don’t know what you like the most about this pony, but if you were to have to guess, then it’d be her happy nature.
  1122. >She just seems so… well, happy.
  1123. >About everything.
  1124. >You’ve even caught her trying to cuddle you a few times.
  1125. >’This will be my side,’ she says, ‘No funny business here,’ she says.
  1126. >Not that you really care, though.
  1127. >These ponies really ARE like walking pillows.
  1128. >You just happen to enjoy the company of the happiest one.
  1129. >You lose your thoughts when that waitress from earlier comes to your table.
  1130. >”You all know what drinks you want?”
  1131. >Everyone looks at each other and nods.
  1132. >”Alrighty, then! So, we’ll start from here. What do you want, sir?”
  1133. >”Pumpkin coffee, please.”
  1134. >Jesus, Anon, way to embrace your white girl-y nature.
  1135. >And the two are STILL hugging.
  1136. >”And for you?”
  1137. >”I’ll get a, uh, hot chocolate, please! With marshmallows. You can have marshmallows, right?”
  1138. >”Absolutely, I can do that for you.”
  1139. >Lyra nods, then the two resume hugging.
  1140. >Bon Bon’s next, and she looks really jealous of someone.
  1141. >She’s practically glaring at everything.
  1142. >”Coffee. Black.”
  1143. >”O-oh, uh, okay!”
  1144. >Next up is Roseluck.
  1145. >”Can I have that Tropical Island Twist thing?”
  1146. >”You most certainly can!”
  1147. >…What the fuck was her name?
  1148. >Shinkletwine or some shit…
  1149. >No, it was, uh, Shackleshine!
  1150. >Twinklefine?
  1151. >Goddamn, this is going to be on your mind for hours.
  1152. >Twinkleline.
  1153. >…Twinkleshine?
  1154. >No, that’s not right…
  1155. >Right?
  1156. >No, maybe it is…
  1157. >”And for you, sir?”
  1158. “Fuck, what?”
  1159. >Everyone stops and stares at you.
  1160. >Oh shit, the waitress asked you for your drink.
  1161. “Uh, Mountain Dew.”
  1162. >The waitress slowly nods, then moves over to Tab.
  1163. >...You wonder how loud you were when you said that.
  1164. >”I’ll take a pot of coffee, please. Regular.”
  1165. >”Okay, will that be i-“
  1166. >”-And, I’ll take a cup of every soft drink, all with no ice… And a lot of straws.”
  1167. >”…Oh, uh, okay, then. I’ll have all that out in a bit.”
  1168. >She walks off.
  1169. >With how many fucking drinks you’re all getting, you wonder if there’ll even be any room for the fucking food.

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