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Dangerous Amoeba - Ivan in RGRE

By rmp
Created: 2020-12-19 06:08:39
Expiry: Never
/rgre/ivan

  1. Author: Dangerous Amoeba
  2. Pastebin URL: e9v4weHs.html
  3. Date: Jul 2nd, 2015
  4.  
  5. ------
  6.  
  7. >YOU OF IVAN!
  8. >YOU OF WAKE UP IN CAPITALIST CARTOON FOREST, MAYBE HAVE TOO MUCH OF DIMITRI’S BORSCH.
  9. >CAPITALISTS MAYBE KIDNAP YOU! LEAVE YOU IN FOREST TO SCARE YOU!
  10. >IVAN NOT SCARED! IVAN IS SOLDIER OF MOTHERLAND! URAAA!
  11. “URAA!”
  12. >”Oh my Celestia! Is someone there?!”
  13. >WHAT IS THIS?! TINY CAPITALIST CARTOON HORSE HERE TO TEST YOUR FAITH IN MOTHERLAND?!
  14. >”Oh my Celestia! Are you hurt? What’s your name? Wh-what are you?”
  15. “I AM OF IVAN! I SOLDIER OF MOTHERLAND, FIGHT FASCIST! URAA!”
  16. >”Hehehe! Oh my Celestia Ivan, are you new around here?”
  17. “IVAN OF NOT KNOW! IVAN WAKE UP ON TOO WARM GROUND! IVAN WISH GROUND WAS HARD AND FROZEN LIKE MOTHERLAND!”
  18. >”Hehehe! You’re so funny Ivan. I’m Wood Drill, but call me woody, that’s what all my friends do. Towns not too far! We should go there!”
  19. “Ivan do not of want to call маменькин сынок horse by homosex name.”
  20. >”HAHAHA! Stop it Ivan, you’re just speaking gibberish! Hahaha! You stick with me coltfriend! We’re gonna be like, the best brothers...”
  21. “...Ivan do not of want to be brothers with homosex capitalist horse...”
  22. >”...OH! You have to meet the colts! They’re gonna LOVE you!...”
  23. “Ivan do not of want to meet homosex capitalist horse colts.”
  24. >”...We can go shopping! I have this cute little yoke that be perfect on you!...”
  25. “Ivan was not farmer, Ivan of do not want yoke.”
  26. >”...and we can go get you some custom designs and...”
  27. “IVAN DO NOT WANT CUSTOM DESIGNS! IVAN WANT HORSE TO BE QUIET!”
  28. >”...OH MY CELESTIA! I LOVE your hat! It looks so cute! Where did you get it?! Do you think you can find me a size?!...”
  29. “IT IS NOT HAT! IT IS USHANKA OF MOTHERLAND! IVAN WAS ISSUED IT-Ivan do not of think little horse actually cares.”
  30. >”...We can go to the hoof ball game and look at all the cute mares! We should join the cheerleader team this year! Just you and me colt friend!...”
  31. “Ivan do not know what Ivan have got into.”
  32. >”...and we can go to Canterlot! For designer yokes or saddles or shoes or... or even...”
  33. [Voice muffles as Ivan and Woody walk towards the town.]
  34. --------------------------------------------------------------
  35. >YOU ARE STILL OF IVAN!
  36. >”And THIS is the best bar in Ponyville.”
  37. “да! GOOD HORSE! WE DRINK LIKE VICTORY DAY IN MOTHERLAND!”
  38. >”OH look! The guys are already here! Come on Ivan, the mares are already eyeing you.”
  39. “да! YOU ARE GOOD HORSE! DRINK WITH COMRADES! GOOD HORSE! GOOD HORSE!”
  40. >>”WOODY! What took you so long, Colt?”
  41. >*MOOCH* [spoiler] noise from that thing people do where they kiss the air next to each other’s cheeks. [/spoiler]
  42. “COMRADES! ДАВАЙТЕ ВЫПЬЕМ! да!?”
  43. >”Sorry we took long. But, Colts, meet Ivan.”
  44. “да COMRADE! I AM IVAN! LETS DRINK!”
  45. >>”Oh my Celestia! You look ready to win big brother.”
  46. “да! да! ARMY OF MOTHERLAND GIVE ENOUGH TO DEFEND MOTHER!”
  47. >>>”Oh! Your hat is SOOO cute!”
  48. “USHANKA MADE OF BEAR IS NOT CUTE!...”
  49. >[Ivan explaining the deep history of his specific ushanka.]
  50. >”I KNOWWW! It’s fur goes so well with his mane.”
  51. “...MANY COMRADES WORE USHANKA IN DEFENSE OF MOTHERLAND!”
  52. >>>>”I LOVE your beard style. You HAVE to tell me your stylist.”
  53. “BEARD IS NOT STYLED! IT IS MARK OF MAN!...”
  54. >[Ivan explains the significance of the beard to his culture]
  55. >>”OH MY GOSH! That’s a natural beard! Oh you’re gifted, brother!”
  56. “...LIKE CAPITALIST PLASTIC BARBIE TOY!”
  57. >”Come one guys! Let’s show Ivan the house special!”
  58. “да! да! НАКОНЕЦ! HORSES TAKE TOO LONG! BRING THE DRINKS!”
  59. >>>>>”Here you go sirs, extra strong, just like you like it.”
  60. >”You’re such a sweet heart, loose tap.”
  61. >>>”Ivan! Try some of this in your cider! It makes it stronger.”
  62. “да! да! да!”
  63. >[LIKE A COUPLE DRINKS LATER.]
  64. >”Ivan, you, you ‘er. You ‘er...”
  65. >>>”N-no, he didn’t.”
  66. >>>>”’e din’t evn finish...”
  67. >>“I NEVER HAD A PONY!”
  68. >[Crying noises]
  69. >”N-no. Don cry. Now a’m sad cos he neer ‘ad a pony.”
  70. >[Group crying.]
  71. >>>>>”Sirs, you’ve had quite a bit tonight, perhaps you should head home.”
  72. “Let me ask you something, barman. Do you go to pool, dip feet in water, then leave?”
  73. >>>>>”I’m not sure what you’re saying sir.”
  74. “DRINK WEAK LIKE HOMOSEX FRENCH! NOT EVEN TRY TO DEFEND ITS HONOR! GO DOWN SMOOTLY INTO GULLET! WHERE IS FUN IN DRINK THAT DOES NOT FIGHT?!”
  75. >>>>>”That’s the strongest Alcohol in the house, sir.”
  76. “THIS IS AS STRONG LIKE SPIRIT OF ITALIAN! SHIT SO WEEK IT IS BROKEN BY ALL! WHO IS BEST DRINKER!?”
  77. >>>>>>”Ah, Ahm.”
  78. “YOU!? FINE, IVAN CHALLENGES YOU TO DRINK!”
  79. >>>>>>”Lookee ‘ere ladies, a colt wants to challenge old Apple Jack to a drink off.”
  80. >>>>>>>”Dude you crazy!? Sit back down colt, you got nothing on us.”
  81. >>>>>>”Nah, now Dash. If he wanna act like ah mare, he can. You’re on!”
  82. “GAY PRIDE HORSE ALSO DRINK! VODKA ALWAYS BETTER WITH COMRADES! да!”
  83. >>>>>>>”I like this colt! If he survives this, we’re keeping him!”
  84. “WE DON’T DRINK PANZY STUFF FROM BAR! WE DRINK THE PRODUCT OF MOTHERLAND! да?!”
  85. >>>>>>”That one of em, fancy Cante’lot spirits? Hah, figures, stallions always looking to drink fancy. What’s it made of? Forbi’’en apples, aged for 13 years to perfection?”
  86. “IT MADE OF SURPLUS POTATO! STOMPED TO MUSH! PUT INTO BARREL AND BURIED INTO CELLAR! CELLAR THEN BOMBED BY FASCIST! THEN WHEN CHILDREN OF MOTHERLAND PUSH BACK FASCIST! FIND DEAD BODY COVERED BARREL!”
  87. >>>>>>”Err, umm. OK.”
  88. >>>>>>>”Stop stalling, and drink already!”
  89. “DO NOT SAY THAT NAME! BAD OMEN! LET’S DRINK!”
  90. >>>>>>”Smells funny.”
  91. >>>>>>>”Looks Ok.”
  92. “URAA! COMRADE!”
  93. >>>>>>”Bottoms up!”
  94. >[About 2 minutes later.]
  95. >>>>>>”Wh-d yoo say wad in dat anywho?”
  96. “Comrade, use words.”
  97. >>>>>>>”I-[holds back vomit]-dun fee goo.”
  98. >*THUMP* [spoiler] Sound of body hitting floor [/spoiler]
  99. >>>>>>”Dsh A’ll save yoo!”
  100. >*THUMP* [spoiler] LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR [/spoiler]
  101. “Hmm. Maybe vodka is man’s strongest friend.”
  102. >Background commotion
  103. >[Drunk Ivan singing Moscow nights]
  104. “Не слышны...”
  105. >Ambulance sirens
  106. “...в саду даже шорохи,...”
  107. >Pony wearing emergency light hat and making ambulance noises, enters, other ponies disembark from him.
  108. “...Все здесь замерло до утра,...”
  109. >Load unconscious ponies.
  110. “...Если б знали вы, как мне дороги...”
  111. >Ambulance leaves.
  112. “...Подмосковные вечера....”
  113. >[Ivan keeps on singing.]
  114. --------------------------------------------------------------
  115. “... Не слышны в саду даже шорохи,...”
  116. “... Все здесь замерло до утра,...”
  117. >>”Excuse me.”
  118. “... Если б знали вы, как мне дороги,...”
  119. >>”Excuse me, m’lord.”
  120. “... Подмосковные вечера...”
  121. >>”Excuse me! M’lord!”
  122. “... Если б!...”
  123. “знали вы, как мне дороги,...”
  124. “... Подмосковные вечера!”
  125. >>”Excuse me! M’lord!”
  126. “что?!”
  127. >>”Oh! W-well umm, I, uhh. I really l-like your singing-.”
  128. “LITTLE HORSE TOO COWARDLY! NEED COURAGE OF BOTTLE!”
  129. >>”N-no thank y-you, I-I drank plenty-EE!” *SOUNDS OF FORCE FEEDING VODKA*
  130. >>*COUGH* *HACK* “PAH!” *SPITTING HORSE NOISES*
  131. “You spat most of it out!”
  132. >>”AGH! It’s like biting into a rotten potato!”
  133. “да! Isn’t taste wonderful?! Want more?”
  134. >>”NO! No thank you! I had enough.”
  135. “HAH! More for Ivan! Now what does horse want?”
  136. >>”Oh. I-I w-w-“
  137. “Looks like you need more courage!”
  138. >>”NO! I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK!”
  139. “да! THAT IS COURAGE! We talk! да!”
  140. >>”Would you like to, umm... err... Come over to my place?”
  141. “да. green pony! Drink like old знакомая!”
  142. >>”So, you’ll come over!”
  143. “да, ‘turn to color of turnip’ pony!”
  144. >>”YAY! Lets go!”
  145. “URAA! Ivan follow!”
  146. >>”So yoe’re new ‘ere? R-Right?”
  147. “да! Ivan not sure where here is. Matters not! Comrades are comrades! Why horse walk funny?
  148. >>”I-I’m not werl-walking funny! Jesht a little tired”
  149. >>”Nawt too far fro-om hous, just the lasht one on this street!
  150. “Good! Little horse talk funny? Little horse?”
  151. >>”I-I fell fain. Nah, I don fe-el fu-funny!”
  152. “Little horse?”
  153. >>”Ahm fian! Jusht needta, needa lie here. Yee, this nice.”
  154. “Get up horse comrade! Cannot sleep on road.”
  155. >>*SNORE*
  156. “Ah! Ivan carry comrade then!”
  157. >>”Hah! Oooh.”
  158. “Let go home comrade!”
  159. >>”I-veen! You so, so, strong.”
  160. >”Lyra! Are you ok? What is this creature?!”
  161. “Comrade Horse fell asleep. Yellow horse know?”
  162. >”Y-yes, I’m Bon-Bon. I’m Lyra’s, err, friend. You should take her to her room. Here this way.”
  163. “There, horse on bed.”
  164. >”Thank you. I’ll make coffee, Who are you?”
  165. “I am of Ivan!”
  166. >”Well, err. Nice to meet you Ivan. How did you meet Lyra?”
  167. “Ivan in weak drink bar singing song of motherland, when green horse ask for Ivan to come to home.”
  168. >”Seriously?”
  169. “да! Bar was terrible! Full of other gay ponies!”
  170. >”’Other gay po-‘ hey I’m not gay! Lyra and me are just friends!”
  171. “Entire town of gay horse! Wood horse and знакомая look like ready to sit in circle and pull penis of man next to! Drinking horse! Gay pride horse!”
  172. >”I’ll show you gay! C’mere!”
  173. “Ivan not know what Ivan got into...”
  174. >”Take these darn things off!” *STRUGGLING BON BON NOISES*
  175. [spoiler]“...Ivan ok with this.”[/spoiler]
  176. --------------------------------------------------------------
  177. “Well...”
  178. >>”.....”
  179. “Pony stare blanker than Auschwitz survivor. Cigarette?”
  180. >>”.....”
  181. “Suit self.”
  182. >>*SNIFF*SNIFF*
  183. “Maybe, Maybe Ivan go.”
  184. >>*SNIF*”Mmmmmn-.”
  185. “да... Ivan go. Спасибо of coffee, Auschwitz pony.”
  186. >>*CRYING NOISES*
  187. >IVAN FEEL BAD FOR AUSCHWITZ PONY. IVAN ACCIDENTALLY TOOK HAIR TIE. СУКА.
  188. >WHERE IS OF DOOR?! CAPITALIST LAND OF GAY HORSE HOUSE HAVE TOO MANY ROOMS!
  189. >ENTIRE HOUSE LIKE FASCIST CONCENTRATION CAMP ‘OH THIS WHERE SLEEP! THIS WHERE EAT! THIS WHERE GAS STUPID POLI-‘OH HERE IS EXIT.
  190. “Ahh... Я клянусь. Fresh air.”
  191. >”YOU! Stop right there!”
  192. “да? WHAT HORSE WANT?! CAN’T SEE IVAN IS OF THINKING MOTHERLAND AIR!”
  193. >”WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! SURRENDER YOURSELF!”
  194. “SURRENDER! NEVER! MOTHERLAND NEVER SURRENDER! RIGHT IRI!?”
  195. ”IRINUSHKA!?”
  196. >WHERE IS IRINUSHKA?! WHERE IS MY GUN?!
  197. >”He’s resisting!”
  198. >AHH NUU! IVAN OF FORGET IRI IN CAPITALIST FOREST!
  199. >>>”STOP CRIMINAL!”
  200. “DON’T BE SCARED IRINUSHKA! IVAN COMING!”
  201. >”He’s running to the Everfree! After him!”
  202. >>>”Careful! He’s calling for someone! They’re may be others!”
  203. >IRINUSHKA WILL MISS IVAN! IVAN MUST GET TO IRI!
  204. >” Chasing suspect on hoof! All units get to the Everfree!”
  205. >>>”STOP! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!”
  206. “IVAN MUST GET TO IRINUSHKA!”
  207. >IVAN RUNNING FOR LONG! WHERE IS IVAN?! WHERE IS FOREST?!
  208. >”Stop colt! Stop! By Celestia! He’s actually going into the forest!”
  209. >>>”AT LEAST USE THE TRAIL YOU CRAZY COLT!”
  210. > да! да! IVAN NOW IN FOREST!
  211. “IRINUSHKA!? WHERE ARE YOU IRI!?”
  212. >”Who’re you calling to?!”
  213. “IRI! IRINUSHKA! IVAN SORRY FOR LEAVING YOU! WHERE ARE YOU IRI!?”
  214. >WHERE DID IVAN WAKE? IRI IS THERE!
  215. >>>”He’s just running circles, what do we do?”
  216. >”Wait for back up. I don’t think he’s a bit lost.”
  217. >>>”Umm, Ma’am he’s picked up a stick... And is now kissing it.”
  218. “AHH IRI! IVAN FOUND YOU! IVAN SORRY FOR LEAVING YOU IRI! IVAN SORRY!”
  219. >”OK. So the colt’s crazy. What colt isn’t?”
  220. >>>”I’m not sure you should say that ma’am, looks like they sent a stallion squad.”
  221. >>>>”Cold Iron! SS reporting in!”
  222. >”Alright Iron, we’ll try to talk to him, and if things get crazy, he’s all yours.”
  223. >>>>”Aye, aye cutie.”
  224. >”Fuckin colts.”
  225. “NOW THEN IRI! THERE ARE CAPITALIST WHO WANT TO MAKE IVAN SURRENDER!”
  226. >”Hey there! Stop what you’re doing!”
  227. “WHAT DOES HORSE WANT?!”
  228. >”Just want to talk to you! Would you like to speak to the SS, sir?”
  229. “SS?! WHERE?! IVAN SHISHKEBAB SS! IRINUSHKA HATE FASCIST!”
  230. >”OK! OK! No SS! Please, Put the stick down!”
  231. “STICK?! DO NOT CALL IRINUSHKA STICK! SHE IS GLORIOUS MOSIN NAGANT MADE AT TULA ARMS PLANT, USED TO DEFEND MOTHERLAND BY MANY SOLDIER!”
  232. >”O-ok, we get it. You like your walking stick or whatever. Iron! What is that thing?!”
  233. >>>>”Ooh, I dunno know, ma’am. Looks like a fancy dress cane! OH I have the perfect top for that!”
  234. >”Look here! My friends likes your walking stick! Come talk to him.”
  235. >>>>”We should go to the boutique! I just thought of the perfect saddle for that cane. Is it a Sakhoarsrov? They’re my favorite!”
  236. >”See!”
  237. “НЕТ! IVAN SICK OF GAY HORSES EVERYWHERE! ENTIRE TOWN FULL OF GAY! NOT GET BEATEN BY FATHER ENOUGH!”
  238. >>>>”Oh my Celestia! Your dad beat you?! That’s terrible!”
  239. “да! PAPA SHAPE IVAN INTO MAN TO DEFEND MOTHERLAND! LIKE GAY HORSE PAPA SHOULD HAVE!”
  240. >>>>”AHH! EXCUSE ME?!”
  241. >>>”Can’t we just ask him about the bar here?”
  242. >”Course not! We have to take him to the station.”
  243. >>>>”...First of all my father...”
  244. “BAR? YOU MEAN BAR OF AMERICAN HICK HORSE AND GAY PRIDE HORSE WHO HOLD DRINK LIKE BARREL MISSING SIDES?!”
  245. >”So you know what happened?!”
  246. “ да! да! IVAN WAS THERE!“
  247. >>>>“...Yes sometimes mom would be mean and...”
  248. >“So do you know who poisoned the mares?!“
  249. “POISON?! НЕТ! IT WAS VODKA! HORSE SAY IT GOOD DRINKER! VODKA HUMBLE HER!”
  250. >”Can’t you just come to the station with us?!”
  251. >>>>”...I mean what does she know about my choices...”
  252. “НЕТ! IVAN NOT SURRENDER!”
  253. >”You don’t have to surrender! Just walk with us!”
  254. “CAN IVAN KEEP IRINUSHKA?!”
  255. >>>>”...Like oh my gosh mom! It’s just a tattoo...”
  256. >”Yes! You can keep the sti-err moss-in-nugget?”
  257. “да! THEN IVAN COME! JUST KEEP GAY PONY AWAY FROM IVAN!”
  258. >>>>”...You can’t just expect people to know...”
  259. >”Okay, okay! No gay ponies.”
  260. >>>>”...Ugh! Are you even listening?!”
  261. “НЕТ! IVAN DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO INSIPID ASS STORY!”
  262. >>>>”EX-Cuse me?! My friends all say I’m very interesting and...”
  263. “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! HORSE LIKE BROKEN MUFFLER ON CAR! AT LEAST MACHINE GUN HAVE COMMON COURTESY TO DAMAGE EARS SO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO ITS NOISE! HORSE TALK LIKE TRAIN THAT NEVER STOP! NOBODY CARE FOR STUPID HORSE STUPID STORY! HORSE TALK LESS PRODUCTIVE THAN SHOVELING SNOW IN RUSSIAN STORM!
  264. >>>>”...*SNIFF*...”
  265. “OOH LOOK HORSE WILL CRY NOW! HORSE ACTING LIKE СУКА AND WANT TO BE TREATED AS RESPECT! NOW CRY WHEN СУКА IS TREAT LIKE СУКА! MAN MUST BE MAN! бог MADE MAN STRONG! MADE MAN DEFENDER! MADE MAN WORKER! MADE MAN BUILDER! MAN MUST BE SWORD, SHIELD, SICKLE AND HAMMER!”
  266. >>>>”...*SNIFF*SOB*SNIFF*...”
  267. “WOMAN WILL LET PAIN TAKE HER! MAN SUPPORT! MAN MUST TAKE PAIN! OVER COME PAIN! IF MAN NOT OVER COME PAIN, IF MAN LET PAIN TAKE MAN! WHO WILL BE SHELTER FOR WEAK ONES?! NO! MAN WILL TAKE THE PAIN AND PUT IT DEEP IN MIND! PAIN WILL BREAK MANS MIND IN TIME! BUT NOT BEFORE MAN PROTECTS WEAK! понять ?!”
  268. >>>>”*NODS*SNIFF*SNIFF.”
  269. “GOOD LET IT OUT! HORSE WILL GROW STRONGER! BROKEN BONE NEVER BREAK AGAIN ONCE HEALED!”
  270. >"..."
  271. >>>"..."
  272. >>>”Brutal...”
  273. “NOW! IVAN DONE WASTING OF TIME!”
  274. >”Right this way, you crazy colt...”
  275. --------------------------------------------------------------
  276. >”So you’re saying you didn’t poison them?”
  277. “да.”
  278. >”And that it is just a drink?”
  279. “да.”
  280. >”And can we see this drink?”
  281. “Нет, Ivan drank it all.”
  282. >”So you’re all out?”
  283. “Нет. Ivan always carry many bottles!”
  284. >”So can we have some?”
  285. “да.”
  286. >”Send this to the lab to be tested. All right Ivan. Let’s start at the beginning.”
  287. >”Where are you from?”
  288. “Ivan already say! Ivan soldier of motherland!”
  289. >”This motherland have a name, Ivan!?”
  290. “да, да. Russia, Ivan from Мо́лотов, town on Река Кама. Пермь, now.”
  291. >”Alright, get intelligence on finding the place.”
  292. >>”Copy that.”
  293. >”Why did you come to ponyville, Ivan?”
  294. “Ivan not chose, Ivan woke up in forest.”
  295. >”You expect me to believe that?! You just woke up?!”
  296. “да.”
  297. >”Ivan you better give me something or I charge you with the attempted murder!”
  298. “Charge Ivan with whatever you want! Ivan man of honor! Ivan not poison!”
  299. >”Fine! You stay here until you have something else to share!”
  300. > СУКА HORSES HOLD IVAN ALL DAY.
  301. >IVAN PROMICED STAY IF THEY DO NOT TAKE IRINUSHKA OR PUT IVAN IN JAIL.
  302. >MAYBE IVAN NOT MAKE PROMICES.
  303. >>>”Hello Ivan.”
  304. >WHO IS NEW HORSE? CUTE SMILE ON FACE AND SMELL OF WILD FLOWER.
  305. >>>”I’m Chamomile. I’m just going to ask you somethings, ok?”
  306. “Ivan have nothing else to say to horses. Talk like wheel on tank, round and round and round.”
  307. >>>”Heh… Well, I’m going to ask about before the night, ok?”
  308. “да.”
  309. >HOW LONG IVAN TALK FOR?!
  310. >HORSE SWEET LIKE TULA GINGERBREAD OR IVAN WOULD NOT TALK LONG.
  311. >>>”Did you go to the bar alone?”
  312. “Нет, маменькин сынок horses take Ivan. Say ‘Ivan we drink!’ they not tell me drink weak like product of Chinese slave labor.”
  313. >>>”Mmm, go on.”
  314. “Ivan ask for stronger drink. маменькин сынок horses happy with weak drink. Ivan remember Ivan have vodka. Ivan find best drinker in house, offer taste of motherland.”
  315. >>>”Then what happened, Ivan?”
  316. >HORSE SMILE SWEET LIKE MOTHER. IVAN NOT COMFORTABLE.
  317. “Orange horse and gay pride horse stand up and say they best drinker. I offer drink; they think they can take it. Vodka humble ‘best drinker’”
  318. >>>”Ah… So what is this ‘vodka’ made of?”
  319. “Surplus potato stomped to mush then put into barrel and left in bomb cellar.”
  320. >>>”Potatoes? Ivan you do know that potatoes are poisonous right?”
  321. >HORSE BEING OF CONCERNED. IVAN DO NOT WANT TO BE MEAN TO HORSE.
  322. “Нет! Potato is main diet of motherland! Potato bread, potato pie, potato soup, potato stew and potato drink! It feed much generation!”
  323. >>>”Is that so?”
  324. “да.”
  325. >>>”Ivan, what is your job?”
  326. “Ivan soldier of motherland.”
  327. >>>”Oh! A soldier, you must travel a lot.”
  328. “да but only with army. Ivan not like to, smell of horses, diesel and sweat not nice. Hardly smell nice things, like you.”
  329. >>>”Ah-ha… Th-thank you.”
  330. >WHY HORSE TURN RED AT COMPLIMENT? MAYBE IVAN NOT SAY THAT, SHE COLOR OF ANGER.
  331. >>>”I-I’ll be back Ivan. Don’t worry, I’m sure this all will be cleared up.”
  332. >IVAN GLAD IVAN ALONE AGAIN. WILD FLOWER SMELL DRIVING IVAN CRAZY!
  333. >HOW LONG IT BEEN?
  334. >2 BOTTLES! да BEEN NOT THAT LONG.
  335. >”Alright, you!”
  336. “да? What horse want now?”
  337. >”Since you’ve done nothing to help our case!”
  338. >>>”Fetlock please! We promised we wouldn’t put him in a cell!”
  339. >”Circumstances have changed, Chamo. We can’t treat a potential murderer different, just because he’s a stallion.”
  340. “Ivan was told he would not go to cell! You сука have no honor!”
  341. >”I don’t care Ivan.”
  342. >IRINUSHKA TELLING IVAN TO SHSIKEBAB HORSE! BUT IVAN NOT WANT TO HURT FLOWER HORSE!
  343. >”Ivan! You are under arrest under suspicion of murder!”
  344. “Ivan come peacefully. But Ivan will not stay.”
  345. >”Yea, yea whatever you crazy colt.”
  346. >>>”Ivan! I promise I’ll get you out of there!”
  347. >”Chamo! Get away from him! He could be dangerous!”
  348. >>>”He’s not dangerous! He’s just lost!”
  349. >”Don’t believe a stallions lies Chamo! You’re young, you’ll learn. Put him into a mare holding cell.”
  350. >>>”NO!”
  351. >”Corporeal Chamomile! Into my office!”
  352. >IVAN PUSHED INTO CELL, DARK CELL.
  353. >HOPE FLOWER HORSE IS OK.
  354. >>”Looky here ladies. A stallion did something naughty and ended up in the mare cell.”
  355. >СУКА! MORE HORSES IN CELL! IT IS LIKE IVAN CURSED TO LISTEN TO HORSES FOR ALL LIFE!
  356. >>>>”Oh shut your pie hole! No one buys that.”
  357. >>”Ah, you’re no fun.”
  358. >>>”We’re the Dusk sisters. Do everything together, got caught together too.”
  359. >>”But we dindu nuffin. The ponice is just bearin down on the bat folk.”
  360. >BIRD HORSES! HORN HORSES! NORMAL HORSES AND NOW BAT HORSES?!
  361. >>>”Don’t worry about Midnight. I’m Aurora the oldest, that’s Twilight, no she ain’t a princess of any kind. And that’s Candlelight, the youngest. She might be a princess; we don’t know she never talks.”
  362. >AHH MAKE IT STOP!
  363. “DA! Ivan not care for family photo. Ivan thinking of getting out of here.”
  364. >>”Woah, a snappy colt. Whatcha in for sweety?”
  365. “Ivan on false accusation of attempting to kill people! Ivan did not of try and kill anyone.”
  366. >>”O-oh… Attempted murder…”
  367. >>>>”HAHA! Nice one Ivan, You scared Midi! So what are you really in for Ivan?”
  368. “Ivan of not joking.”
  369. >>>>”Oh… D-did-did you do it?”
  370. “НЕТ IVAN INNOCENT!”
  371. >>>>”o-ok! Don’t hurt me!”
  372. >>>”Come on girls. We were put in here for something we didn’t do. We know how you feel Ivan.”
  373. >”Dinner! Eat up!”
  374. >SOME HORSE WITH ARMOR PUT ONE BREAD AND BUCKET OF WATER IN JAIL.
  375. “How we all eat on one bread guard horse?!”
  376. >”They don’t. This is for you. Now eat up.”
  377. >>>”Don’t worry Ivan. We’re not hungry we haven’t been here long.”
  378. >BAT HORSE IS LYING.
  379. >LITTLE SISTER LOOKING AT BREAD LIKE JEW AT GOLD.
  380. “NEYT! Ivan share with horses!”
  381. >>>”Really?”
  382. “Da! Help self, Ivan still thinking of how to leave.”
  383. >GRILL WINDOW MAYBE BREAK.
  384. >IT DARK OUTSIDE, LEAVING EASY, BUT HOW GET OUT?
  385. >SOMETHING HOLDING IVANS LEG
  386. “What is it?”
  387. >LITTLE SISTER BAT HORSE IS RUBBING IVAN LEG, SMILING LIKE CHILD.
  388. >MAYBE SHE IS CHILD.
  389. >СУКА! IVAN HEART NOT OF STONE.
  390. >IVAN NEED HORSE TO STOP! IVAN DO NOT HAVE INSULIN RATION CARD!
  391. “да, маленькая мышь go eat. Ivan thinking of how to leave.”
  392. >>>”Come here Candle. Let Ivan do whatever he’s doing.”
  393. “How do bat horses leave?”
  394. >>>”Hmm? Usually bats parents go searching for missing kids and end up here one way or another.”
  395. >>”Then they make ‘em pay and we can go.”
  396. >>>>”It’s never happened to us. I-I don’t know if Daddy can get-“
  397. >>>”Shh!” We’ll be fine Twi.”
  398. “What if Ivan put hole in wall? Would guard horse know where to find you?”
  399. >>>”That’s one good thing about being a bat. They don’t bother documenting us. So no.”
  400. “да. Did horse eat bread?”
  401. >>>”We left some for you.”
  402. “Eat it. Then cover ears.”
  403. >>”What are you going to do.”
  404. “Ivan not do anything. Iri want to though.”
  405. >>>”What?”
  406. >*BOOM*
  407. >HAHA IRI! KICK LIKE MULE!
  408. “HAHA! WALL CRUMBLE LIKE BERLIN-“
  409. >That not funny…
  410. >[spoiler]Ivan stares into nothing for half a minute.[/spoiler]
  411. “Never mind.”
  412. >>>”Alright girls through the hole!”
  413. >HORSES GO THROUGH, IVAN FOLLOW!
  414. >”THEY’RE GETTING AWAY!”
  415. >СУКА! ALARMS OF SOUNDING!
  416. “GO HORSES! RUN! FLY! GO!”
  417. >”GET THE RIOT CONTROL!”
  418. >LITTLE HORSE HOLDING ONTO IVAN!
  419. “It is good little horse! Ivan will find you later!”
  420. >”DAMN BATS! PROBABLY BROKE THAT STALLION OUT!”
  421. >>>”Come on Candlelight!”
  422. >>>>”Thank you Ivan!”
  423. >>”You’re a cool colt Ivan. We’ll pay you back someday, the Dusk sisters never forget!”
  424. >>>>”SHUT UP MIDI!”
  425. “IVAN STAY! IVAN DISTRACT GUARD! RUN BAT HORSES! FASCISTS COMING! RUN!”
  426. >”THE STALLION GOT AWAY! HE’S RUNNING”
  427. >>”WHAT ABOUT THE BATS?!”
  428. >”FORGET THEM! THEY’LL BE BACK! GET THE COLT!”
  429. >IVAN RUN LIKE FRENCH MAN RUNNING FROM GERMANS!
  430. --------------------------------------------------------------
  431. > СУКА! WHERE IS IVAN?!
  432. >IT DARK LIKE AFRICAN LIGHT BULB FACTORY!
  433. >IVAN HEAR FASCISTS IN THE DISTANCE! THEY WILL NEVER GET IVAN!
  434. >HOPE THEY DO NOT GET BAT HORSES, LITTLE ONE TOO YOUNG FOR FASCISM!
  435. >AH! BARRLES! MAYBE HAVE VODKA!
  436. > нет, ONLY FLOUR!
  437. > держать! WHAT IS SOUND? маленькая мышь SQUEEKING?
  438. “маленькая мышь! WHERE IS мышь!?”
  439. >”Mmmm.”
  440. “нет мышь! DO NOT CRY! IVAN COMING!”
  441. >IT DARK LIKE SOUL OF CAPITALIST! IVAN NEED BURNING BUILDING OR FASCIST BOMB TO SEE!
  442. >”Mmm!”
  443. ” да! мышь! IVAN SEE маленькая мышь! COME TO IVAN маленькая мышь!”
  444. >>”Not so fast!”
  445. >СУКА! IS JAIL HORSE!
  446. >>”Sorry to break this little reunion, truly a heart aching event. But you colt, are coming with me. And you get out of here.”
  447. >IRI SAY IVAN SHOOT FASCIST NOW! BUT IVAN DO NOT WANT TO SCARE маленькая мышь.
  448. >>”Good thing bats are dumb. Dumb little thing just followed after you, or it would have been harder to track you down. Not that stallion are any smarter.”
  449. “СУКА LEAVE! IRI HAS ITCH TRIGGER!”
  450. >>”Yea yea, whatever you say you weirdo. Anyway, you’re under arrest, just put these cuffs-“
  451. >OH NO! маленькая мышь STANDING IN FRONT OF FASCIST!
  452. >>”Get out the way kid.”
  453. “маленькая мышь! DO NOT GET IN WAY! YOU WILL OF HURT!”
  454. >”HMmmm!”
  455. >>”Listen kid. I’m like three times your size, puffing your cheeks isn’t gonna make you bigger.”
  456. “GO HOME мышь! THIS IS PLACE OF ADULT!”
  457. >”Hmm hmm!”
  458. >>”You’re trying my patients kid. Get out of the way.”
  459. >”Mmmh!”
  460. >>”I said MOVE!”
  461. “маленькая мышь! DO NOT HIT!”
  462. >СУКА HURT мышь!
  463. >>”I told the kid to move. Hey what are you!”
  464. >*CLANKER*
  465. >>”HEY PUT THAT DOWN!”
  466. >*CLASH*
  467. >>”NO! I’M SORRY!”
  468. >*CHICKEN NOISE*
  469. “CHEEKI BREEKI!”
  470. >*BAFF*
  471. >*THUD*
  472. > да! That is done.
  473. “ARE YOU OK маленькая мышь! DID FASCIST HORSE HURT YOU?!”
  474. >*HOOVES CLAPPING*
  475. “Ivan happy, you are OK, маленькая мышь. Come, Пойдем.”
  476. > мышь HOLD IVAN LIKE PARENT.
  477. “NO маленькая мышь! DO NOT OF KISS IVAN! IVAN NOT TAKE SHOWER IN…”
  478. >How many year it been?
  479. >”Mmmmm…”
  480. “да, маленькая мышь. Let go of home.”
  481. >>”Candle! Candlelight!”
  482. >>>”Midi! Look over there! Candlelight!”
  483. “It sound of sister looking for мышь.”
  484. >Little мышь face soft like fur coat of dog.
  485. >But warm like afternoon sun in summer.
  486. >>>>”CANDLELIGHT!”
  487. >>>”Can’t find her anywhere, should we go home?!”
  488. >>”We’re not going home without Candle!”
  489. “Bat horses! Ivan have маленькая мышь! Ivan here!”
  490. >>”Ivan! Where are you!”
  491. “Over here! да маленькая мышь launch flare! Good idea!”
  492. *BANG*
  493. *WHISTLE*
  494. >>>”Over there! Midi!”
  495. >>”Candlelight! I was so worried! I’m sorry I lost you.”
  496. >At least bat horse cry with legitimate pain.
  497. >>>>”Thanks for all the help, Ivan. We owe you a lot.”
  498. >”FIRE!” (Distant voice)
  499. >СУКА! Flare supposed to burn out before touching ground!
  500. >Who built garbage flare that cannot of follow simple instructions!
  501. >’Izhevsk Mechanical Plant’.
  502. >Oh.
  503. >>”You alright Ivan?”
  504. “да! EVERYTHING FINE! LET’S GO!”
  505. >*Sirens in the distance*
  506. >>>”What’s the hurry!”
  507. “Time for go!”
  508. >>”Alright Ivan, let’s go home.”
  509. >>>>”I don’t know, Midi. I don’t think dad will like us bringing home a colt.”
  510. >*Sirens get louder*
  511. “Maybe we go now?”
  512. >>”He’ll be fine, besides Candle likes him.”
  513. >*Fire ponies screaming in the distance*
  514. >>>”You’ve got a point for once midi.”
  515. >>>>”I don’t know, but ok.”
  516. “Good decisions! Time of go!”
  517. >Ivan and friends going in the distance, while a fire lights their backs.
  518. *BANG*
  519. >”MY LEG!” (Distant voice)
  520. “FASTER!”
  521. --------------------------------------------------------------

QoC - Huntin' innawoods [(MLP) Anon/Gilda]

by rmp

QoC - Rainbow shenanigans [(MLP) Anon/RD]

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QoC - Horse Shenanigans [(MLP) Anon/Twi-teats]

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QoC - Sweet Talks are made of this [MLP/RGRE]

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Smollnon - Anon and smol birbfilly

by rmp