The Crocodile Hunter [WIP/Draft]


                                            >You are Anon, and you are currently sitting sipping a long neck and shooting the shit with your old mate.

                                            >"So, wait. Y'tellin me you got beat up over bits of cardboard in primary school?"

                                            >Topic of the conversation? Pokemon cards, and toys in general, really.

                                            "Nah mate, nah. Cards, y'know, like playing cards that you could use to trade with and all that."

                                            >"Oh, I think I get it now, you got beat up for not paying your gambling debts?"

                                            >Looking smug with herself she just chuckles to herself over the thought of kids gambling in the playground.

                                            "What? No, you smart-ass it was because they wanted my Charizard. We weren't gambling our lunch money. I didn't grow up in Blacktown."

                                            >"Your what?"

                                            >Letting out a massive groan, you just look at her, dumbfounded.

                                            >"What do you expect? I grew up out in the bush. You think I had things like Packetmans and Digimen? I was lucky to have a stick to play with most of the time."

                                            "Wait, so you had no toys at all?"

                                            >"Well, I mean I did have one really cool rock that I painted a face onto. Looked kinda like a dingo, I even still have it somewhere I think. Not sure if that counts as a toy, though."

                                            >...

                                            >"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

                                            >Yep, she's serious.

                                            "No reason, just trying to detect if you're fucking with me again. You have a habit for that, you cunt. The more you know, I guess."

                                            >"Mhm, I can show you him sometime if you like? My rock-dingo, I mean. Kinda miffed I never found a crocodile shaped rock though. I fuckin' love me some crocs."

                                            >Taking the last swig of your beer, you chuck the bottle into the empty box by the side of your chair and kick your legs up on the table.

                                            "That so, eh?"

                                            >Idea time.

                                            >Sliding your phone out of your pocket, you navigate your way to BlackBerry browser and head over to Amazon and begin your search.

                                            >Holy fuck, that's perfect.

                                            >Add to cart

                                            >Checkout

                                            >Done

                                            >With a big shit-eating grin, you chuck your phone on the table and grab another bottle.

                                            >She's gonna get a kick outta this one.

                                            ---

                                            (one month later, and you're driving home from grabbing some groceries and shit in town)

                                            >Christ, it's fucking miserable out today. Billi is going to have a shitfit if this rain escalates into a storm.

                                            >She fucking hates storms.

                                            >Pulling into the driveway and kicking up a big lump of dirt in the process, you make a quick dash for the house and close the door behind you.

                                            >Fucking rain, it's pissing down something fierce out there.

                                            >Kicking your boots into the corner, you make your way into the kitchen and see Billi sat at the table munching on a piece of toast.

                                            >Snickering to herself as she looks up at you, you let out a big huff.

                                            >"How was your swim?"

                                            "Oh, get to fuck. Pop me some of that in would ya?"

                                            >Sliding her chair out from under the table with a giggle and stuffing toast into her gob, she gets up and gets you some toast going.

                                            >"Pfft, OK princess. Want a brew as well?"

                                            "Can do, yeah. What you been up to all day anyway?"

                                            >Rummaging through the fridge, she throws the butter on the counter and grabs the cheese out while she's at it.

                                            >"Eh, not much. Got some shit done on mah plane, did a bit of cleaning up - Oh, and some big fucking package came for you too, propped it up over there. You bought yourself a sex doll or something, Anon?"

                                            >Pointing with her rear leg as she digs through the cupboards, your eyes are immediately drawn to the fucking huge brown-paper wrapped package covered in Chinese letters and enough stamps to account for the deforestation of the Amazon.

                                            "What the fuck is that? I didn't order anything. You sure it's not a plane part or something?"

                                            >"Nah, too light. Besides, I wouldn't cheap out on Chinese parts, to fuck with that."

                                            >Shifting your way past the table, you pick it up and give it a squeeze.

                                            "Huh, it is light.. Soft too.."

                                            >Turning the package around, you double check and.. Yep, there's your name. Anon Emous. Clear as day.

                                            >Tearing the corner slightly, you're immediately met with a dark green plush material.

                                            >What the fuck is thi-

                                            "Ohhhh! Shit! I know what this is."

                                            >Flicking her ears towards you, Billi just looks over her shoulder as she puts together your toast.

                                            >"So, what is it?"

                                            "You tell me mate, it's for you."

                                            >Narrowing her eyes at you, she looks suspiciously at the package and then at you.

                                            >"Eh? Can't be. I didn't order shit."

                                            "I know y'didn't, but trust me, it's for you."

                                            >Handing you your toast and tea, you hand the package over to Billi and she looks down at it before looking back at you.

                                            "Y'gunna open it? It ain't gonna kill you." You manage to get out between munching your toast.

                                            >"Might do if you could look a little less on edge about it like it's gonna explode or something"

                                            >Sitting down together at the table while you sip and munch away, Billi starts carefully unwrapping her parcel, peeling the tape off of it bit by bit, suddenly stopping when she gets into it.

                                            >Pulling the paper apart, her eyes immediately widen and she has a look of surprise plastered across her face.

                                            >Lifting a large plushy crocodile out of the wrapping and kicking the paper off of its tail with her hindlegs, she lays it down on the table, her eyes going a little crazy looking over it before looking back to you.

                                            "y'like it?"

                                            >"You mean.. He's mine?"

                                            "Yeah, I mean, remember a few weeks back when we were on about toys n' all that? You said you'd never had a - Hold on, did you say he?"

                                            >Jumping up out of her chair she scoops her crocodile up under her foreleg and lunges at you with a big hug, pressing the big soft crocodile snoot into your face, and almost knocking your mug out of your hand.

                                            >Quickly breaking away from the embrace she goes to looking at her big crocodile with absolute joy plastered across her face.

                                            >"I love him! A-ahem.. T-thanks mate!"

                                            "Blimey, you're gonna be naming it next."

                                            >"Oh, I already know what I'm callin' him. Anon, meet Mick."

                                            >Oh God, here we go.

                                            "Mick? What kinda name is Mick for a crocodile?"

                                            >Turning her big crocodile to face you, she just shrugs.

                                            >"I dunno, he just looks like a Mick, doesn't he?"

                                            >The expressionless look on the plushies face stares back at you.

                                            "If you say so, mate. I'm just glad you like him."

                                            >Beaming, she makes her way around you and dumps her plate and mug in the sink before groaning and letting out a big yawn.

                                            >"Well, I'm gonna go catch flies for a bit. I'm pooped."

                                            >Heading off into the livingroom, she takes "Mick" with her.

                                            "Ey, what about your packaging you've left all over the kitchen floor?"

                                            >"Shouldda' thought about that before ordering a big crocodile on the Internet, shouldn't ya?"

                                            "You gotta be shitting me."

                                            >Poking her head around the door, she just beams a bit smile at you before ducking out of sight and calling back to you.

                                            >"We'll keep a spot warm for you!"

                                            >Fucking Bush-horse.