Anonymous' Delousing Service by Anonymous


                                            >"Great show girls! We totes killed it!" Sonata yelled out happily

                                            >"Oh yeah, great..." Aria said bitterly as a tomato slid down her face, "you know, until the voice synthesizer shorted out and the audience chased us off stage"

                                            >Sonata pulled a tomato off her chest and took a bite out of it, "I thought they were just giving us free food"

                                            >Of course you were also completely covered in produce, but you barely cared

                                            >Right now the only thing you could think of is the horrible itch of your scalp

                                            >Hoping Aria and Sonata were too busy getting on each others nerve to notice you reached into your mass mane of hair and quickly scratched what you hoped was your scalp

                                            >Until it moved

                                            >Shit

                                            >"Hey, Adagio! What's up with you?"

                                            >You quickly pulled your hands out of your hair and tried your best "innocent" face

                                            "Me? Nothing, I was just checking for vegetables"

                                            >They both glared at you suspiciously

                                            >"Wait a minute..." Sonata started, "Tomatoes are fruits!"

                                            >Thank god she was an idiot

                                            >Sadly Aria was slightly less so and quickly walked over to you, grabbing a big clump of your hair and pulling it open to look inside

                                            >"I knew it! You have lice!"

                                            >Dammit, cat was out of the bag now

                                            >You slapped away Aria's hands, trying to look as dignified as you could

                                            "Yes, fine! There was this little girl at one of the shows and I may have patted her on the head."

                                            >"Ewwww!" Sonata exclaimed, "why would you touch a filthy human child?"

                                            "She bought one of our albums and wanted a signature."

                                            >"We have an album?"

                                            >Aria jammed her finger right at your face

                                            >"Don't change the subject here Adagio!"

                                            >Again you slapped her hand away and rolled your eyes

                                            "So I have a few lice, what's the big deal?"

                                            >"The 'big deal' is if you have lice it means I can get lice from you, and I don't want lice."

                                            >"Yeah, I don't want lice either," Sonata spoke up

                                            >"I don't care about you! But I do care about your lice"

                                            >She stomped over to the bathroom

                                            >What a drama queen

                                            >Then she walked back out with a pair of scissors and the communal leg razor

                                            >Oh heeeeell naw

                                            "Aria, don't even think about it!"

                                            >She didn't stop walking towards you

                                            >Quickly you grabbed the toaster and held it above your head, ready to strike

                                            "One more step and-"

                                            >"You're toast!" Sonata yelled out happily and stared expectantly, hoping for a laugh

                                            >You both just glared at her

                                            >"...I'll be quiet now"

                                            >You turned back to Aria, who had gotten into a lunging position with her scissors at the ready

                                            >"Adagio, those lice have got to go, which means that hair has got to go"

                                            >Your thoughts turned to images of you without your glorious poof

                                            >Truly it was a fate worse than death

                                            "That's not happening" you flexed your arms a little to show you meant business

                                            >You could see Aria's legs also coil as she prepared to lunge

                                            >So this is how your fragile union would end, beating your second in command to death with a toaster

                                            >Oddly enough, you'd envisioned this exact scenario many times before

                                            >"Hey girls!" Sonata yelled out, "why don't we just called this guy?"

                                            >You both looked over at Sonata holding up one of the many papers you'd often find in the windshield wipers

                                            >Most of the time it was some new age wicca palm reading shit or parking tickets you never paid

                                            >But if it prevented murdering your lackeys it might be worth looking at

                                            >Aria put the razor and scissors down on the microwave and walked over to Sonata

                                            >They both stared at the paper a little

                                            >And you certainly didn't like that smug smile on Aria's face

                                            >"Great idea Sonata!" She said, pulled the paper out of her hand and handing it to you

                                            "Anonymous's Delousing Services, we remove lice without removing your hair, money back guarantee"

                                            >Under all the information was a very poorly photoshopped image of some 80's action movie poster with the head of some dude in his mid to late 20's pasted over the shirtless man with a chainsaw, with a stock photo of a louse in the corner

                                            >The number listed on the bottom was 1-800-FUK-LICE

                                            >You looked up at Aria in utter disbelief

                                            "You can't be serious"

                                            >She crossed her arms and put on the biggest shit eating grin you've ever seen

                                            >"It's that or we shave your head"

                                            >...

                                            >About an hour later there was a knock on the vans door

                                            >Aria opened it up

                                            >The face of the man standing in the doorway was certainly the one in the picture

                                            >The body though... Not so much

                                            >He did seem even older in real life but something told you that was more stress than actual age

                                            >Especially consider the cigarette just barely held in his mouth and the 1000 yard stare

                                            >"Anon's Delousing service," he announced, snuffing his cigarette against the doorframe and shoving it into the breast pocket of his barely buttoned and obviously oversized shirt. "Where's the infestation?"

                                            >Aria beckoned him to come in and with an evil smile pointed at you

                                            >The moment the man walked in his duffle bag and jaw both dropped

                                            >"Mother of Jesus..."

                                            >You rolled your eyes

                                            "Look, buddy, how long is this gonna take?"

                                            >Anon regained his composure

                                            >He walked over to you, cracking his shoulder as he looked over your head

                                            >Actually, "looked over" was way too conservative a description here

                                            >Anon examined your hair as if looking at a precious masterpiece in a museum

                                            >His eyes drank in the sight

                                            >Needless to say you were deeply uncomfortable

                                            >"You've never had lice before, have you?"

                                            >Your eyes darted over or Aria and Sonata

                                            >For perhaps the first time in your life you were actually happy they were around, if anything to be witnesses

                                            "Nooo, I haven't"

                                            >"Figures"

                                            >Anon grabbed a clump of your hair, squeezing it, feeling it, and even sniffing it

                                            >"The louse is the the most foul of parasites, I've been locked in a dance with these little fuckers for a long time. The louse is hard to kill, and doesn't like to stay dead even in the most uninhabitable of scalps. But this..."

                                            >You watched in absolute horror as Anon shoved the clump of hair directly into his mouth and began chewing on it

                                            >At this point you were so deeply afraid for your safety you didn't dare push him off

                                            >You just sat there, quietly letting him chew and lick while your eyes looking pleadingly at Aria

                                            >And for the first time in your life you actually saw concern on her face

                                            >Finally Anon let the hair fall out of his mouth

                                            >"Just as I thought..."

                                            >He reached into his mouth and casually pulled out a long orange strand

                                            >"...Cinnamon flavoured"

                                            "W-what?"

                                            >"Your hair, I've never before in my life encountered a more ideal habitat for lice! Growing out of your scalp is just about the perfect self sustainable ecosystem for lice to make their home in. You're essentially a walking, talking parasite condo."

                                            >"So can you kill them or not?" Aria asked, concern replaced with her natural resting bitch face

                                            >"I believe so but how far we have to go is questionable, we'll try a more conservative method first"

                                            >He opened up his duffle bag and pulled out a small bottle of shampoo and some rubber gloves

                                            >You never knew a bottle of shampoo could have a "poison" symbol on it

                                            >"We're gonna need somewhere we can wet her hair."

                                            >Aria pointed at the sink

                                            >"Look at that hair woman! We need something bigger"

                                            >"We got a tub outside"

                                            >"It's actually just a barrel we cut in half and put over a fire" Sonata added

                                            >"Good enough," Anon said, pointing a finger up at nothing, "vámonos!"

                                            >So here you were, laying on some pallets you scrounged up with your head soaking in an old oil barrel while some quarter life crisis dude in a folding camp chair relite his cigarette

                                            >You'd wondered how your life had come to this

                                            >Perhaps it wasn't too late to change

                                            >Perhaps you could learn friendship and acceptance, to see humans as equals and go back to Canterlot High to beg forgiveness, live like a normal teenage girl

                                            >Surely even that would be a marked improvement over this

                                            >"Alright"

                                            >Anon pulled on his gloves and poured out the shampoo

                                            >Immediately your nose was assaulted but the industrial waste stench of whatever concoction was in that bottle

                                            >You heard Aria giggle at your expression of fear

                                            "So, that stuff isn't gonna damage my hair, right?"

                                            >Anon put the bottle aside and readied the big glob of slightly glowing sludge

                                            >"Don't worry, it's only illegal in 23 states... Though this is technically one of them."

                                            >Aria! For the love of Celestia! Stop this!

                                            >But it was too late

                                            >Anon jammed himself elbow deep into your hair and started rubbing away

                                            >You immediately worried about your future health when you felt the intense heat radiated off the paste

                                            >And the fact that Anon's cigarette butt was only a few inches from your eye

                                            >Anon stopped rubbing for a second and looked confused

                                            >"What the..."

                                            >His arms went a little deeper

                                            >"What in the fuck is th-"

                                            >Suddenly he was violently yanked shoulder deep into your hair

                                            >Anon started frantically trying to pull himself out, but whatever had a hold of him was relentless

                                            >He just barely managed to keep his face out of your hair

                                            >You were panicking but couldn't do much of anything

                                            >Aria and Sonata were just frantically hopping around and yelling to themselves

                                            >Anon managed to yank himself just free enough to scream out

                                            >"WOULD ONE OF YOU FUCKING HELP ME!"

                                            >Aria, looking more scared than you'd ever seen her, rushed over and grabbed Anon's shoulders

                                            >They both pulled hard

                                            >Finally Sonata also rushed over and grabbed Aria around the waist

                                            >With their combined strength Anon had managed to pull just one arm free

                                            >"THROW ME MY BAG!" He screamed

                                            >You stretched your arm to grab it as Aria and Sonata still desperately fought to keep Anon from getting pulled back in

                                            >You managed to grab it and lifted it onto your chest

                                            >Anon's free hand quickly reached into it and grabbed around for something as they still fought against your hair

                                            >Finally he found what he was looking for

                                            >Your life fleshed before your eyes when Anon pulled an old pistol out of the bag and pointed only a few inches besides your head

                                            >He fired a shot, then another, and another

                                            >On the fourth shot a horrifying inhuman screech sounded from your hair and all three of them flew back, falling on top of each other

                                            >"Holy shit!" Was the only thing that left Aria's mouth after several minutes of heavy breathing

                                            >You finally worked the nerve to sit back up

                                            >The fear of the shampoo was gone completely now, replaced with fear of whatever the fuck was in your head

                                            >Anon quickly stood back up and reached into his duffle bag

                                            >"Looks like the conservative treatment won't work here"

                                            >He pulled out a flashlight just as Sonata stood back up

                                            >"What happened?!" She yelled out, utterly shaken

                                            >"Simple," said anon as he pulled out some rope, tying it around the duffle bags handles

                                            >"The ideal environment of her hair has allowed the lice to grow to their fullest potential, they've become too powerful for the shampoo."

                                            >He tied the other end of the rope around his waist

                                            >Aria finally sat up

                                            >"Is she gonna be okay?" she asked

                                            >You were completely shocked

                                            >Maybe it was just the adrenaline but it actually seemed like Aria was worried about you

                                            >"Maybe," Anon said, unbuttoning the two buttons that were holding his shirt together and tossing it aside

                                            >"But there's only one way to deal with an infestation this big"

                                            >Finally he swapped out the magazine of his pistol and put a handful of extras into his pants pocket

                                            >"If I'm not back in three days, plant a headstone for me."

                                            >Without explaining anything Anon just charged you at full speed, and with a single leap his entire upper body disappeared into your hair

                                            >A little bit of wiggling and kicking and he had vanished entirely, only his duffle bag remained, and even that was pulled in by the rope a few seconds later

                                            >All three of you just stood there in shock, unable to comprehend what you'd just witnessed

                                            >You were Anon

                                            >You were a delouser

                                            >And you took your job very seriously

                                            >No fucking louse was ever gonna get the best of you

                                            >No client would ever continue to be the host of this parasitic scum under your watch

                                            >You crawled through the tight, soft corridor of orange hair

                                            >Pitch black save for the flashlight

                                            >It would almost be comfortable if you didn't know behind every little nook and cranny the beasts lay in wait

                                            >Every little side tunnel a potential death

                                            >Suddenly you heard something in front of you

                                            >A slight jittering

                                            >You trained your flashlight and the sights of your 1911 on it

                                            >The second you did a massive white shape, almost as large as you, made a lunge towards you

                                            >You were standing in line for some coffee

                                            >After the utter madness of last night you could barely sleep

                                            >You desperately need a cup

                                            >Your thoughts were still racing with everything that happened

                                            >Even now it seemed like a bad dream

                                            >"Hello ma'am, what can I get you?" The barista asked

                                            >You knew her smile was fake but in that moment every little hint of kindness helped

                                            >You smiled back past tired eyes

                                            "I'll have a large dark roa-"

                                            >A muffled gunshot was heard

                                            >It didn't come from outside, or somewhere else in the building

                                            >It came from your hair

                                            >The entire cafe turned to look at you

                                            >The barista's smile had faded into attempted neutral face, though her bulging eyes betray her shock

                                            "Hehe... Like I said, I'll have a large-"

                                            >A series of four more gunshots were heard, and you realized something else when you looked at the pastry glass

                                            >A light could actually be seen pulsing somewhere deep inside your hair with every muffled shot

                                            >"L-large dark roast?"

                                            "Yeaaaaaaaaah..."

                                            >They were coming from all sides

                                            >You never stopped shooting

                                            >Every time you killed one, two more seemed to show up

                                            >You were squeezing past their dead bodies just to keep moving

                                            >Another came charging just as you were crawling over another

                                            >You shot it twice before it could reach you, but then the one you were on top of turned out not to be truly death

                                            >It tried to tear your face off but you managed to grab it's neck just in time, shoving it down and bringing your pistol butt down onto its head until it cracked like an egg

                                            >Loud screeching down the tunnel you'd come let you know more were coming

                                            >You pulled your duffle bag towards you and reached into it

                                            >Quickly you pulled out one of the landmines you'd kept in there and set it up behind you before darting forward

                                            >To say this had been a weird day was about as severe an understatement as you could make

                                            >You'd driven to a new town with some small concert going on and managed to shove yourselves in as an opening band

                                            >And the whole day a constant string of gunshots came from your head

                                            >Thankful as you guys were setting up your equipment behind stage it seemed to die down

                                            >A few other bands and some tech guys were around and you did not need to deal with more awkward stares and confused cops

                                            "Hey girls..."

                                            >Sonata and Aria stopped what they were doing and looked over

                                            "So I've been thinking, what if this whole life isn't the best idea?"

                                            >Aria just raised her eyebrows

                                            >"You got a better one?"

                                            >You rethought what you were about to say but ultimately decided to keep going

                                            >Might as well get it over with

                                            "Well, maybe. It's a little crazy but hear me out."

                                            >Aria just stood and stared, almost as if waiting for a moment of weakness to strike

                                            >And this might be the perfect opportunity

                                            "Well... What if, maybe, we, you know, went back to, uhhh, Cante-"

                                            >BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

                                            >A massive blast from somewhere inside your hair puffed it out in all directions so hard that almost the entirety of the back stage was pushed against the walls

                                            >Almost as fast as it did it all deflated back to its original size, though now a large smoke cloud was floating out of it

                                            >Everyone on the stage was either knocked out or panicking about what just happened

                                            "Girls, what if we went back to Canterlot High and begged for forgiveness?" you said in a monotone voice while staring at nothing

                                            >You found yourself falling directly down one of the tunnels you'd crawled into

                                            >If it wasn't for the fact that the floor was soft pillowy hair you'd likely have broken something

                                            >You tried to train your flashlight on something but you realized you were in a cavern too large for that

                                            >You reached into your bag and pulled out a road flare, cracking it and holding it above your head

                                            >You were in a cavern

                                            >Every wall was lined with lice staring at you and jittering

                                            >And in the middle was a massive louse many times larger than a human

                                            >"HAHAHA! REMEMBER ME ANON?!"

                                            >The louse queens voice was a booming thing that rattled the entire chamber

                                            >"MAYBE THIS WILL JOG YOUR MEMORY!"

                                            >She started hacking and gagging before finally spitting out a pair of glasses at your feet

                                            >You knew those glasses very well, you looked back at the queen with pure hatred in your eyes

                                            >"WHEN I KILLED YOUR SISTER! I TALKED JUST! LIKE! THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!"

                                            >The entire cavern erupted into the chattering of thousands of lice

                                            >You quickly raised you gun and fired a few shots, but they just harmlessly ricocheted off the queens hard chitin

                                            >"HA! THAT PEA SHOOTER WON'T SAVE YOU HERE ANON!"

                                            "Then why don't we try something a little spicier?"

                                            >You slung the duffle bag onto your shoulders and pulled a metal hose out of it

                                            >"KILL HIM!"

                                            "We've got the music makes you move it!"

                                            >The crowd seemed to at least mildly enjoy the performance

                                            "Got the song that makes you lose it!"

                                            >Little did they know that pretty much all of it was pre-recorded and highly synthesized

                                            >But hey, girls gotta eat, right?

                                            "We say jump, you say 'how high?'!"

                                            >Besides, you'd agreed this would be your last gig before you turned around and got on your knees before Sunset Shimmer

                                            >Surprisingly Aria didn't even object

                                            >Though she might have had a concussion after the hairsplosion smacked her head against a speaker

                                            >Anything had to be better than this

                                            "Put your hands up to the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

                                            >Aria and Sonata stopped instantly

                                            >In fact the entire audience went completely still

                                            >Of course the vocals were still playing over the speakers

                                            >You didn't see what happened, you didn't need to, the heat told you everything you need to know

                                            >Slowly, with your hand still in the air and mic to your lips you began backing up off the stage as more jets of flame shot out of your hair at random angles

                                            >Eventually the fire alarm and sprinklers went off as the three of you made a mad dash for the exit before they could charge you for any potential damages

                                            >"Sooooooo, Canterlot High?" Aria finally said after the three of you'd been standing in a back alley for about 20 minutes in utter silence, save for the odd gunshot and explosion of course

                                            >Sonata began tearing up "d-does this mean we have to be friends with Sunset?"

                                            "Yeah, probably"

                                            >"B-but, I hate her"

                                            >"We all hate her Sonata!" Aria yelled, "but you know what I hate more? Spending every day driving from city to city and getting exposed to mutant demon lice!"

                                            >Sonata just curled up into a little ball while whispering "I don't wanna be good" over and over again

                                            "Okay, look, we just need to play nice long enough to get a high school diploma and then we can be evil again, we could go into university to become lawyers or something."

                                            >"You know Sonata isn't smart enough to be a lawyer"

                                            "True," you nodded, "but she could be a politician, would you like that Sonata?"

                                            >Sonata sat up and nodded, rubbing tears out of her eyes

                                            >"Uuuugh, fine, let's just get back to the van and-"

                                            >Suddenly Anon's head and shoulders popped out of your hair

                                            >He gasped for breath and pulled himself free, falling to the ground

                                            >He was in a bad state, covered in bleeding bite marks and burns

                                            >He gave the rope still in your head a quick tug and his duffle bag came out too, a massive severed louse head inside of it

                                            >"It's done, she's finally dead after all these years"

                                            >He reached up to the sky and whispered something

                                            >You knelt beside him and took his hand in your own

                                            "What as that Anon?"

                                            >You leaning in close to hear him, the other two joined you as well

                                            >Anon took in a deep, shaking breath and whispered again

                                            >"That'll be $49.99, cash or cheque only"