The Bag (Oneshot?)


                                            > luna was not looking forward to visiting ponyville

                                            > what awaited her in the unfussy hamlet but the jeers and stares of ponies a thousand years removed from her patronage?

                                            > actually, that wasn't true at all--she had been requested to attend a party, after all

                                            > whose party? hers, naturally

                                            > the ponies of ponyville, led by a pink earth mare she could not recall the name of, had conspired to throw her a "welcome back from the moon!" party in honor of exactly that

                                            > she didn't think it was necessary, but celestia had chided her, saying that her reclusive behavior had been the very reason why she had been banished in the first place

                                            > okay, maybe she hadn't said it EXACTLY like that, but

                                            > "Princess, we're nearly to Ponyville."

                                            > luna withdrew from her thoughts and suddenly observed her surroundings

                                            > ponyville looked as cozy as ever from her gilded perch, which was tugged through the air by a pair of stout pegasus guards

                                            > still, the nagging feeling that she did not belong ate at her heart

                                            > celestia, again, had insisted the only way to remove such a feeling was to reintegrate, but luna wasn't so sure

                                            > as her carriage neared a narrow strip of pathed earth in the center of town, luna briefly considered jumping out of the chariot and flying all the way home

                                            > unfortunately, the welcome committee that awaited her robbed her of the chance

                                            > "Princess Luna!"

                                            > luna turned to regard the purple unicorn trotting up to the chariot as it touched down

                                            > who was she again?

                                            > ah, right

                                            > "Twilight Sparkle, was it? Thank you for the welcome, I suppose."

                                            > luna departed the chariot after it had well and settled; she thanked the guards as they flew away and glanced at the rest of twilight's entourage

                                            > though her memory of the night she had returned to equestria was foggy, luna recognized the five other ponies that walked alongside twilight to greet her--two pegasi, two earth ponies, and a second unicorn

                                            > however, another creature accompanied the six

                                            > a creature she had never seen before

                                            > a creature with a peculiar headpiece

                                            > luna couldn't help but interrupt twilight, who had begun to reintroduce her friends to the princess after they had all recovered from a reverent bow

                                            > "Forgive me, but what -is- that?"

                                            > luna gestured with a foreleg to the biped that flanked the rest of the mares

                                            > it appeared to look at luna, though with what expression she could not tell

                                            > it wore a paper bag over its head, after all, complete with a crude pair of ponylike eyes and folded-over ears barely visible from the front

                                            > "Oh, right. I guess I figured Princess Celestia would have mentioned him to you before you arrived. Princess Luna, this is Anonymous! He just moved here from Canterlot."

                                            > anonymous extended an appendange toward the princess; the thing ended in a terrifying near-dozen fleshy claws that made luna's skin crawl

                                            > still, she tried not to forget her manners entirely

                                            > "Very well, Anonymous. Pardon my rudeness, but I have simply never seen a creature quite like you."

                                            > luna kept her eyes on anonymous' outstretched limb for a good while before he simply retracted it

                                            > perhaps she was meant to grasp it?

                                            > twilight frowned at the princess, cocking her head curiously

                                            > "Princess, what do you mean? Anonymous is a pony."

                                            > luna stared at twilight in disbelief

                                            > "Dear Twilight, although I have not been returned to Equestria long, I have not forgotten what a member of my own species looks like. This... 'thing' could hardly be further removed from a pony."

                                            > the princess inwardly winced at her unwelcoming tone, but she was not a patient princess and tended to spare little time for jokes at her expense

                                            > the white unicorn behind twilight spoke up; luna began to regret interrupting twilight before she had the chance to refresh luna's memory of their names

                                            > "Princess, although Anonymous may seem a little rough around the edges, he is no less a pony than any of us..."

                                            > the unicorn batted her lashes at the creature in a coy display as she trailed off

                                            > "And might I add what a dashing stallion he is indeed."

                                            > the blue pegasus hovering near the unicorn rolled her eyes and scoffed

                                            > "You just think he's cool because he's from Canterlot, Rarity. You do this every time somepony from up there moves down here."

                                            > luna glanced back at the creature, who had broken her concentration by scratching his head

                                            > the bag crinkled a bit under his claws

                                            > was she missing something? perhaps they had simply overlooked his poor disguise

                                            > "What then of the paper sack around his head? It seems he has simply scrawled a pony's crude likeness upon its face. Can none of you see his disguise?"

                                            > in a bout of mild frustration, luna flicked her foreleg up to gesture at anonymous' face

                                            > well, his pretend face at least

                                            > twilight simply shook her head

                                            > "Princess, Anon isn't wearing anything on his head. Are you talking about his mane? I mean, it's definitely brown like a paper bag, but I don't think I could mistake one for the other."

                                            > twilight ran her forehoof through anon's "mane" for emphasis; it crinkled under her hooves like a pony trotting through a pile of autumn leaves

                                            > luna was beginning to grow weary of the creature's charade

                                            > "I cannot believe this."

                                            > an orange earth mare to her left spoke up

                                            > "Princess, ain't nopony tryin' to fool ya here. He's a pony just like the rest of us."

                                            > the creature nodded his head shortly before the pink earth mare popped her head out from between his legs

                                            > "Eeeexactly! I mean, if Anon wasn't a pony, what would he be? A rhino? A giraffe?" she gasped. "Wait, I've never even seen a rhino! Maybe he -is- a rhino. I mean, if I've never seen one, how do I know I haven't already seen one? And if I've already seen one, then-"

                                            > the pink one prattled on while the rest of twilight's friends began performing various gestures and providing various anecdotes to prove anonymous' ponyhood

                                            > all the while, the creature remained silent, fixing luna with the beady expression upon his bagged head

                                            > luna gestured for the ponies to quiet with all the authority she could muster

                                            > "And what says the creature in question? He has yet to speak to his own defense."

                                            > having been silenced by their princess, the ponies looked up to anon expectantly

                                            > he raised a limb to his face and cleared his throat

                                            "Hey."

                                            > luna quirked a brow

                                            > "'Hey?' Have you not anything else to say to your Princess, o stallion of the great Canterlot?"

                                            > twilight fidgeted a little at luna's rudeness but remained silent

                                            "Not really."

                                            > luna snorted at the creature's seeming nonchalance

                                            > they were questioning his very identity here and he seemed to not have a care in the world

                                            > luna felt like an idiot for even entertaining the idea that the creature was a pony and not some strange, alien biped that had somehow managed to fool the very ponies that had banished the evil from her heart

                                            > but more than that, luna felt like everypony else was even dumber than she for going along with the ruse

                                            > was she being tricked? was everypony in on the joke and waiting to yell "gotcha!" much like her sister did whenever she put toothpaste in luna's shoes or filled luna's room with a flock of geese or dyed luna's mane pink while she slept?

                                            > luna suddenly noticed that a sizable crowd had appeared, looking at the debate with curiosity and a touch of fear

                                            > ponies were of the easily intrigued sort, and any sort of commotion in town tended to draw onlookers

                                            > she tried to ignore the chatter around her; the ponies in the crowd were discussing among themselves the ponyness of the creature, no doubt

                                            > "You may have these ponies fooled, but I am a wiser sort. I have lived for thousands of years, and I will not suffer the indignation of being treated like the butt of some joke."

                                            > the creature snickered under his breath

                                            "Heh. Butt."

                                            > luna nearly slapped the creature

                                            > "We should have you imprisoned for your insolence! If my sister were here, she would certainly not stand for this sort of behavior."

                                            > luna knew that perhaps celestia might stand for this sort of behavior, the trickster she was, but throwing celestia's name around had always carried with it the authority she had never managed for herself

                                            > why was she always reduced to wielding her sister's power in situations where her own did not suffice?

                                            > twilight spoke up, looking to appease the princess

                                            > "Princess, if it makes you feel any better, I could write to Princess Celestia and ask her to help sort this out?"

                                            > luna nodded, if somewhat miffed that her sister was being called upon yet again to solve luna's problems for her

                                            > "Bring her then. We shall sort this out before I lose my temper."

                                            > twilight's friends glanced nervously among one another, and luna felt a little foolish for clearly having already lost her temper

                                            > however, she was right!

                                            > if her sister needed to be brought into the mix to dispel this misunderstanding, then so be it

                                            "Neigh."

                                            >

                                            > luna's jaw nearly dropped to the ground

                                            > "Tia, you can't be serious!"

                                            > celestia, in all her regal glory, affixed her sister with a very serious look and nodded

                                            > "Luna, I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. Anon is definitely a pony, and a very good friend of mine at that. His parents were advisors of mine some years ago, and he was even a student of my school before moving to Ponyville."

                                            > luna stamped her four hooves in the dirt in a stationary trot, enraged

                                            > she stuck an accusing hoof out at the thing

                                            > "Tia! Look at him! He's a... well, I don't know what he is, but he is definitely -NOT- a pony! Am I the victim of some cruel prank? Have I gone mad?"

                                            > the lunar princess trotted around anonymous like a circling shark, looking him up and down for any signs of ponyhood she had perhaps missed

                                            > she looked for a tail, or perhaps hooves hidden beneath his shoes to no avail

                                            > celestia shook her head with pity

                                            > "Luna, I don't know what to tell you. Anonymous is as pony as either of us. Furthermore, I believe these ponies are waiting for you to attend your homecoming ceremony, are they not? Perhaps we can save this discussion for another day, sister."

                                            > luna had all but forgotten about the party

                                            > however, surrounded by these lobotomares as she was, luna could scarcely entertain the thought of attending her own party

                                            > luna desperately looked to the crowd for validation

                                            > instead, she was met with despair

                                            > the ponies of ponyville had assembled some sort of organized union of support for anon while the argument had carried on

                                            > many mares and stallions held signs with anon's likeness, though he had been drawn to resemble the pony everypony around her thought they could see

                                            > many more ponies wore paper bags on various parts of their body in a display of solidarity with the creature

                                            > as the crowd edged closer toward the encircled princesses and element bearers, members of the royal guard who had arrived with celestia pressed in to quell the more unruly ponies

                                            > exasperated, luna tore her gaze away from the festival of lunacy and once again regarded the creature

                                            > "You! You will not get away with this. I do not know what sort of dark, twisted magic you have cast upon my ponies, but I will never fall to your lies. NEVER!"

                                            > luna disappeared in a flash of blue magic, drawing many gasps and confused mutterings from the audience

                                            > twilight shook her head, placing a supportive hoof on anon's shoulder

                                            > "Sorry Anon, I don't know what came over her. Maybe she's still having some trouble adjusting to life back in Equestria?"

                                            > celestia and the other mares nodded thoughtfully

                                            > "Perhaps I should have a talk with her about how to treat our subjects with a little more respect," said celestia

                                            > anon shrugged

                                            "Meh, it's all good. Anyway, wanna go get that party started? If Luna's not gonna be there, I'll take her share of cake and booze."

                                            > the mares around him chuckled, and the element of loyalty clubbed anon on the back playfully

                                            > "Not if I get to it first, big guy! Whaddya say to a..."

                                            > the blue pegasus blinked as anon's paper bag slipped off of his head, courtesy of the force with which she had slapped him

                                            "Oh shit!"

                                            > the hushed mutterings of the large crowd of future partygoers quieted completely, and all eyes were suddenly upon him

                                            > celestia simply blinked, eyes darting from the bag, to anon's face, and back to the bag again

                                            > twilight held a hoof against her gaping maw, trying desperately to process what she was seeing

                                            > the bag drifted down from anon's crown, tumbling lazily in the autumn breeze, before collapsing into itself as it met with the earth

                                            > amid the stares, anon knelt down and quickly grabbed the bag

                                            > he fumbled around with it a little bit, trying to get his bearings of its pony-faced surface

                                            > finally, after at least a minute of nervously fooling with his cheap pony mask, he finally slipped it back into his head

                                            > twilight stared

                                            > celestia stared

                                            > the rest of twilight's friends stared

                                            > the crowd stared

                                            > anon cleared his throat

                                            "Uh... Neigh?"

                                            >

                                            > the ponies looked at each other, shrugged, and departed town square in the direction of sugarcube corner

                                            > it seemed as though luna's party would commence without her

                                            > twilight's friends crowded anonymous, showering him with apologies for luna's behavior while simultaneously praising his good looks and attitude

                                            > after sharing a moment with twilight, celestia gathered her guards and left for canterlot, no doubt to have a firm chat with her sister about her rude and indecent behavior

                                            > the night continued on, and luna's party went off without a hitch, later being hailed as one of the greatest of local party planner pinkie pie's popular parties

                                            > and nopony had any idea that anonymous was a human with a paper bag over his head pretending to be a pony the whole time

                                            > well, except for poor luna