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The Skeletons In Celestias Closet

By I_wanna_dies_sama
Created: 2026-07-20 16:44:16
Updated: 2026-07-20 17:01:47
anonanonymousprincess celestia2nd personfunnyanonymous in equestriaaieexplicitbonessp00ky

  1. 1.
    A remake of a tiny green I did some years ago. A link to the original version from my old ponepaste at bottom of this one.
  2. 2.
     
  3. 3.
    >Be Anonymous
  4. 4.
    >Day 206-270 in Equestria
  5. 5.
    >“Now listen, Anonymous,” says Princess Celestia, her voice just loud enough to hear over the wheels of her royal chariot behind you, “this new sex dungeon was paid for by the very generous tax-paying ponies of Equestria. Do you understand?”
  6. 6.
    “Mmphf-hmmphf!” you say behind your ball gag.
  7. 7.
    >The muscles in your legs scream.
  8. 8.
    >A cramp threatens your left calf.
  9. 9.
    >There's a twitch that won't leave the side of your right thigh alone.
  10. 10.
    >It's wonderful.
  11. 11.
    >“So when I say I don't want you to break free from your restraints, know then that I mean it. Do you still understand?”
  12. 12.
    “Mmphf-hmmphf! Mmphf-hmmphf!”
  13. 13.
    >She smiles, satisfied.
  14. 14.
    >“Excellent! Now then, my stud-for-a-steed—Hi-yah!”
  15. 15.
    >Her whip cracks against your poor back, quickening the pace you haul her down the streets of Canterlot.
  16. 16.
    >There is something exuberant in each lashing.
  17. 17.
    >Every crack leaves your back pulsing beneath a sheen of sweat.
  18. 18.
    >Taking Princess Celestia home, you approach the front of the palace, gated off from the rest of civilian ponyfolk.
  19. 19.
    >An outpost of guards opens the gates for you, closing them once you roll into the courtyard.
  20. 20.
    >Meanwhile, Princess Celestia shouts navigational commands from her chariot, lashing you with each one.
  21. 21.
    >It is thanks to her you do not trample any royal advisors, many of whom are forced to dodge you.
  22. 22.
    >Those who stand by pretend not to notice this hedonistic display of their princess.
  23. 23.
    >“Whoa, now!” she then hollers, pulling at your reins.
  24. 24.
    >You turn up ahead to one of several stone barracks connected to the main palace.
  25. 25.
    >At its portcullis stand another pair of guards at its latticed gate, sliding up for access.
  26. 26.
    >“Easy does it, now,” says Princess Celestia, guiding you into the barracks, inside of which are more guards lining walls as you enter.
  27. 27.
    >Once inside, you come to a stop, and they close the gate behind you.
  28. 28.
    >One guard—their superior, judging by his age and ornate armor—approaches the princess as she steps out of her chariot.
  29. 29.
    >Normally, you would look at her, thinking about how every movement she makes could be studied as its own beautiful pose, each one worth its own sculpture, its own painting…
  30. 30.
    >Instead, you hunch over, hands on your knees, trying to pant through your ball gag.
  31. 31.
    >“Your Highness!” The commander kneels before Princess Celestia. “You grace us with your return! How may we serve you?”
  32. 32.
    >“Oh, at ease now, Commander Dart Wing. I’ve only been gone for an hour this time. No need for ceremony.”
  33. 33.
    >“Ah, yes. But of course, your majesty.”
  34. 34.
    >Commander ‘Dart-Wing’ faces his troops.
  35. 35.
    >“At ease, soldiers! Find your partners and return to your stations! Hut!”
  36. 36.
    >After a salute, the guards follow their orders, marching off in pairs, two after two, into the palace.
  37. 37.
    >Princess Celestia rolls her eyes.
  38. 38.
    >“The theatrics of the royal life,” she says, sighing wistfully. “Always a bit heavy-hoofed, aren’t they?”
  39. 39.
     
  40. 40.
    >You point to the ball gag in your mouth.
  41. 41.
    >Then to the reins.
  42. 42.
    >“Oh, yes. Your bindings. I near forgot.”
  43. 43.
    >Her horn glows with the gold of her alicorn magic.
  44. 44.
    >So too do the reins of her chariot’s yoke—and even the ball gag, which teleports out of your mouth.
  45. 45.
    >Within seconds you are unburdened by all that tethered your body to the chariot.
  46. 46.
    >“There we go,” says Princess Celestia. “Feeling better now?”
  47. 47.
    “Uh-huh,” you pant. “Like roadkill. I’m whipped.”
  48. 48.
    >“Ha. Cute.”
  49. 49.
    >She leans her head against your shoulder.
  50. 50.
    >A soft smile lifts her cheeks before she closes her eyes, drawing in a slow breath of your scent.
  51. 51.
    >Her exhale comes as a faint shiver.
  52. 52.
    >“At least you don't smell like roadkill,” she says. “You make a fine stallion, Anonymous.”
  53. 53.
    >You clear your throat.
  54. 54.
    “I, uh...thank you?”
  55. 55.
    >“You're welcome. Now let’s go get you nice and showered, shall we?”
  56. 56.
     
  57. 57.
    ***
  58. 58.
     
  59. 59.
    >You walk behind Princess Celestia throughout the halls and corridors of the castle, your body dripping with sweat.
  60. 60.
    >It dots the long runner stretched across the tile floor with dark patches.
  61. 61.
    >There once was a time when you would feel guilty for this—and to an extent, you still do—but after living with the princesses at their palace, you’ve come to understand that, even if you never see them, the so-called ‘help’ will make sure all is tended to.
  62. 62.
    >“That was great fun, wasn’t it?” asks Princess Celestia. “I felt it was.”
  63. 63.
    “I think I scared a kid,” you tell her, thinking back to your near-accident down at the Diamond District.
  64. 64.
    >You were going at top speed through a busy street when Princess Celestia, ever the repressed thrill-seeker, made you weave through the traffic of carriages and walking aristocrats.
  65. 65.
    >Then, right at the end of the block up ahead, a colt fell into the crosswalk in front of you.
  66. 66.
    >Thank God his mother was a unicorn; she picked him out of your way in an instant, faster than a pegasus would be able to swipe him out of the street.
  67. 67.
    >But the thing you might just remember most isn’t how near you were to trampling the poor child; no, it was what he said to his Mama right after you passed.
  68. 68.
    “He asked what I had in my mouth,” you tell Celestia with a smirk. “Wonder how she’ll explain that to him, huh?”
  69. 69.
    >Princess Celestia snickers.
  70. 70.
    >“A thousand bits she’ll say it keeps you from biting bad little ponies,” she says. “After all, many still see you more as an animal than an equal.”
  71. 71.
    “Funny,” you say, eyes glued to her perfect rear in front of you, “and here I thought I was both.”
  72. 72.
    >Look at that thing swing side-to-side…
  73. 73.
    >“Yes,” nods Princess Celestia. “Quite. Speaking of which, I happen to have a surprise for you.”
  74. 74.
    “Oh? Do you, now?”
  75. 75.
     
  76. 76.
    >She leads you through the halls to a door set between two large paintings on the wall.
  77. 77.
    >Both are matching Baroque-style portraitures with Rembrandt-like lighting, one of Princess Celestia and the other, just right of the door, her sister, Princess Luna.
  78. 78.
    >They are impressive works of art, each leaving a bold impression and complementary to the interior architecture and design—were it not for the garish door in between them.
  79. 79.
    >Its postmodern styling blemishes the corridor's cohesion, like a sheet of metal bolted over flesh instead of a skin graft.
  80. 80.
    >However, if Princess Celestia—the real one, not the painting—feels the same as you, it does not show.
  81. 81.
    >She stops at the door, making a mock bow towards it.
  82. 82.
    >“Voila! And here, my little human, is where we’ll have our fun from now on.”
  83. 83.
    “You mean…that’s where the new dungeon’s at?”
  84. 84.
    >“Indeed! And it will look much more interesting than our previous one. Ready to see inside?”
  85. 85.
    >The weight of a white lie builds on the tip of your tongue, but it stays loaded in the chamber, unspoken.
  86. 86.
    >Apparently, the question was a mere formality.
  87. 87.
    >She already opens the door.
  88. 88.
    >“Here it is!” she says cheerfully.
  89. 89.
    >Lo and behold, you stare at…
  90. 90.
    >At…!
  91. 91.
    “...Nothing?”
  92. 92.
    >Nothing; that is what the “room” inside is—a door-shaped hole in the canvas of reality, where a room ought to be.
  93. 93.
    >Instead, there is only a wall of darkness so absolute it’s impossible to judge depth or form.
  94. 94.
    >Never has the term “solid black” been more applicable…
  95. 95.
    >Confused by your reaction, Princess Celestia turns to look inside the room for herself.
  96. 96.
    >“My, how strange,” she says, humming thoughtfully. “I could have sworn this was the path to the dungeon. Second door on the right, in from the courtyard, and…”
  97. 97.
    >She chuckles wearily.
  98. 98.
    >“Oh, goodness, listen to me! I’ve lived here for almost a thousand years, and I still don’t know my way around! I really need to—”
  99. 99.
    >But you ignore her.
  100. 100.
    >Something else has your attention, something unusual, something dry, something white and round.
  101. 101.
    >Slowly, it emerges from the heart of the black void.
  102. 102.
    >A pony’s skull protrudes into the hallway on the end of a long neck, craning from side to side around the doorframe, revealing itself in the light.
  103. 103.
    >Its hollow sockets settle on you.
  104. 104.
    >“Hello!” it says, the mandible flapping up and down, just like a ventriloquist’s dummy. “Would you like to learn about the equine body? Ah-ho!”
  105. 105.
    >Its stark nasal tenor snaps the princess out of her rambling.
  106. 106.
    >“Uh-oh!” you think you hear her say.
  107. 107.
    >You can’t tell; she quickly slams the door on the skeleton and grabs you by the wrist with her magic.
  108. 108.
    >“Wrong room! No need to bother checking! Come along now!”
  109. 109.
    >“What’s that, you say?” the skeleton asks behind the door. “You want a femur? But you hardly even know her! Ah-ho! Ah-ho! Ah-ho!”
  110. 110.
     
  111. 111.
    “What the hell was that!?” you cry out.
  112. 112.
    >“We’re leaving!” is all Princess Celestia says, trying her hardest to drag you out of the hallway with her, the carpet bunching as you dig in your heels.
  113. 113.
    “Fuckin’ skeleton!” you shout back. “You have a fuckin’ skeleton in your closet!”
  114. 114.
    >“What? No! Don’t be silly!”
  115. 115.
    >Princess Celestia stops with a huff and turns at you, pointing at the door.
  116. 116.
    >“That’s not even a closet!” she cries out.
  117. 117.
    “SKELTON!” you shout. “DA FUCKIN’ SKELTON!”
  118. 118.
    >“It’s not a skeleton, either! It just…w-well, it just resembles one!”
  119. 119.
    >“Calcium?” you hear it again from behind the door. “More like calci-Yum! Ah-ho!”
  120. 120.
    >Your jaw drops.
  121. 121.
    “Did it just ask you for some fucking milk?”
  122. 122.
    >“It’s nothing,” groans an annoyed Princess Celestia. “Don’t be such a baby about this, Anon! It’s not dangerous, let alone alive, even!”
  123. 123.
    “No shit it’s not alive! But it’s a talkin’ SKELETON.”
  124. 124.
    >You wring your wrist free from her magic’s hold on it.
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    “And call me baby if you want, but I’M not the one askin’ for milk here, am I?!”
  126. 126.
    >Princess Celestia brings her hooves up against the sides of her head, sighing.
  127. 127.
    >“Trust me, it’s… it’s really not what you think.”
  128. 128.
    >You fold your hands together, taking in a deep breath.
  129. 129.
    “‘Ah-ho’?” you say in a questioning tone.
  130. 130.
    >“Ah-ho!” shouts the skeleton.
  131. 131.
    >“SHADDUP!” shouts Celestia back at it.
  132. 132.
    >Then, again to you: “It’s a fake skeleton! You know, for classrooms and demonstrations!? It’s not alive, let alone self-aware. I’ll show you.”
  133. 133.
    >She opens the door again, and the skeleton (definitely an earth pony; has no wings or horn) stands in full.
  134. 134.
    >“Hello!” it says with a wave of its hoof. “Would you like to learn about the equine body? Ah-ho!”
  135. 135.
    >You stare at it, wide-eyed.
  136. 136.
    “Um, does it always like to say—?”
  137. 137.
    >“Yes,” says Princess Celestia with a groan. “It always likes to say ‘ah-ho’.”
  138. 138.
    “But if it’s not alive,” you ask her, eying up the skeleton, “then how does it…or, um, why did you make it talk? I mean, that’s…that’s kind of…”
  139. 139.
    >You gulp.
  140. 140.
    “It seems alive. That’s all I’m saying, y’know? Are you sure it’s, uh…”
  141. 141.
    >The alicorn princess looks at you with the eyes of a mare many years beyond her appearance.
  142. 142.
    >“Oh, Anonymous, dear,” she says with a wistful laugh, “just because something spouts words and can put them together doesn’t mean it has thoughts or feelings.”
  143. 143.
    >“Hello!” the skeleton says again, once more with a wave of its hoof. “Would you like to learn about the equine body? Ah-ho!”
  144. 144.
    “I dunno,” you say back to her. “Seems like one of the criteria if you ask me.”
  145. 145.
     
  146. 146.
    >“Well, perhaps you’re not thinking about it the right way then,” says Princess Celestia. “Consider this, my friend: Does an encyclopedia have thoughts because it imparts knowledge? Does the gyroscope, that which maintains its original orientation regardless of the planet’s spinning, make it smarter than you or I?”
  147. 147.
    >You scoff.
  148. 148.
    “Does it sound like that’s what I fucking asked?”
  149. 149.
    >She giggles at you, shaking her head.
  150. 150.
    >“The answer is ‘no,’ Anonymous. They are not living. They’re the results of function, no more a sign of independent thought than the numbers on an abacus or the length of things. Real, yes; living, no. Likewise,” she motions to the skeleton, “this has been animated through intricate magic so as to mimic set behaviors and motions.”
  151. 151.
    “But…why go through all that effort just to lock the thing away?”
  152. 152.
    >“I tell jokes!” proclaims the skeleton.
  153. 153.
    “What?”
  154. 154.
    >“He… tells jokes,” mutters Princess Celestia.
  155. 155.
    >“What do ya call a skeleton without life insurance?” asks the skeleton.
  156. 156.
    >You pause, looking to Princess Celestia, unsure.
  157. 157.
    >“Go ahead,” she says tiredly. “Ask him. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
  158. 158.
    >“What do ya call a skeleton without life insurance?” asks the skeleton again, repeating itself.
  159. 159.
    >You shrug.
  160. 160.
    “Uh, I dunno,” you say. “I mean, I’d probably just keep calling it a skeleton, but—”
  161. 161.
    >“A bonehead! Ah-ho! Ah-ho! Ah-ho! ACk-ACk-ACk! Ah-ho!”
  162. 162.
    >“That’s the reason why,” says Princess Celestia.
  163. 163.
    >Her face matches the look on yours.
  164. 164.
    >“I take it now you understand my wishes to avoid it?”
  165. 165.
    “Slam the door,” you tell her. “Just slam the fuckin’ door, please.”
  166. 166.
    >She does, cutting it off mid “Ah-ho!”
  167. 167.
    “Why did you make that thing? What were you thinking?”
  168. 168.
    >“Simple, really: I wanted medical students to be comfortable seeing a skeleton in their courses.”
  169. 169.
    >You find yourself sneering at her.
  170. 170.
    “What? They’re already medical students, Celestia! They’re used to skeletons! They’re used to everything short of shards from a shattered pickle jar inside of a man’s anus!”
  171. 171.
    >You laugh, maybe scoff.
  172. 172.
    >You can’t tell; you’re overwhelmed.
  173. 173.
    “I mean, it’s like asking, ‘Hey, you know what would make me scared of something that I wasn’t scared of before? SEEING IT TALK!’”
  174. 174.
    >“It’s just like a puppet!” defends Princess Celestia. “I thought it was fine before it spoke.”
  175. 175.
    “Puppets are creepy!” you remind her. “They’re creepy as shit!”
  176. 176.
    >Then, pointing at her”
  177. 177.
    “And you, Celestia! You are creepy!”
  178. 178.
    >“That’s why I made a spell for it to tell jokes!” says Celestia. “But…well, there was an accident. Something…something terrible went wrong, you see? Something terrible, something horrific.”
  179. 179.
    “Yeah? And, uh, just what might that be, exactly, huh?”
  180. 180.
    >For a moment, Princess Celestia stays silent, her eyes somewhere far away that you cannot follow...
  181. 181.
     
  182. 182.
    >Finally, when she looks back up, there are tears streaming down her cheeks.
  183. 183.
    >She stares into you, voice hollow, quiet as a whisper.
  184. 184.
    >“We…we forgot the funny bone, Anonymous,” she says. “We forgot the funny bone…”
  185. 185.
     
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  192. 192.
    The inferior original version:
  193. 193.
    https://ponepaste.org/8650

On The End of The Line (WIP?)

by I_wanna_dies_sama

My old PonePaste greens

by I_wanna_dies_sama

The Skeletons In Celestias Closet

by I_wanna_dies_sama