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3942 22.34 KB 355
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Author: BadGrammarFag
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Pastebin URL: iA6fbJ4n.html
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Date: JAN 24TH, 2016
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>Day you forgot about the pegasi rain schedule.
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>And not for the first time, you damn, forgetful faggot.
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>You're Anon, the only human in this land of colorful autism, called Equestria.
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>You're currently sitting in the small cottage, located on the outskirts of Ponyville.
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>Slowly sipping your morning coffee, you're watching raindrops falling down outside.
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"Fuck you rain."
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>Yeah, you are a little grumpy.
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>This weather ruined your plans for the morning.
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>With nothing to do during this downpour, your mind started to wander.
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>Why do you live so far away from the town center and so close to the dreaded Everfree Forest?
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>After all it was dangerous and shit.
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>Well, it was beneficial for both, you and Princess sunbutt, or what's her name.
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>Your part of the deal was quite obvious.
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>Being so close to this dreaded forest, you can easily obtain some meat by hunting and fishing inside of it.
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>More over, you aren't constantly pestered by those colorful marshmallows, who call themselves ponies.
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>Couple of work hours a day with them and their shenanigans, was more than enough.
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>Even a seasoned 4chan veteran like you, wants some normalcy in his life from time to time.
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>Like for example, to rest from weirdness of this one unicorn mare.
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>Bitch be crazy about yo hands!
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>She even asked if she can experiment with them in your free time!
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>You immediately thought she'll ask you to fist her, or worse.
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>You firmly said "No" to her.
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>Well, maybe it sounded more like "Fuck off!", but you're getting off track here.
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>You were about to remind yourself, why you living here was beneficial for princess Sunbutt-hurt.
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>For starters, she wanted you as far away from her subjects, as it was "politely" possible.
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>Of course, without banishing your sorry ass out of her kingdom.
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>Can't blame her there, thou.
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>when you showed up in here for the first time, you practically "assassinated" her white royal booty.
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>The last thing you remember from your old world, was you driving home in your trusty piece-of-crap-on-wheels, old car.
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>In a hurry.
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>At night.
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>In the winter, on a slippery, frozen road.
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>Long story short, totally unexpectedly you found yourself driving quickly at a fuckhuge tree on the roadside, with no means to stop the car.
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>Then, there was this blindingly bright light and the feeling of falling from up high.
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>Before you could even utter a scream of surprise, you hit sometning soft and your right thigh exploded with a tremendous amounts of pain.
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>As it lately turned out, you fell straight on the Princess Sunbutt's head.
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>She was sitting on her throne, minding her own royal business and you just showed up and impaled your right leg on her pointy horn.
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"Lel, so rude."
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>Now you can laugh as much as you want, but then and there, you were a little too distracted to find it funny.
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>Lying on the floor and holding your bleeding leg, you were screaming like a little bitch.
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>"Luckily" one of Sunbutt's personal guards fed you with an armored hoof sandwich.
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>That trick managed to switch off your lights, so to speak.
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>Because of your leg injury, you spend almost entire month on their hospital ward.
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>At first they thought you were some crazy assassin, who failed in his mission of bringing down their princess.
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>Celestia (yeah you actually know her name) wasn't sure of it, though.
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>She and her sister had more than enough time to interrogate you.
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>Finally, you were declared not dangerous enough for a one-way trip to the moon.
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>Well, not until your leg healed up to the point, where pone doctors could safely use their magic to speed up the healing process.
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>Which didn't worked.
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>Like, at all.
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>Surprise_madafaka.avi
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>It turned out that as a being from a non-magical world, your body was completely immune to any and all kinds of magic.
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"Man, fuck that special snowflake shit."
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>Yeah, just like the Princesses, you were not happy about that turn of events.
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>All the good kinds of magic, mostly healing magic, which could be used on you, were forever out of your reach.
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>On the other hand, if some magic user wanted to hurt you, he could easily use the most basic of spells to do this.
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>For example, by using simple levitation spell.
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>Throwing a rock in your head etc.
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>However, Celestia was somehow concerned about this whole magic immunity business.
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>She could do nothing about it though.
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>She promised, to give you your chance at living in her peaceful kingdom, fair and square.
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>Having no other options, she send you here.
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>To this stinking shack, near the spooky forest.
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>Additionally, you were under the supervision of the local Princess Grape Intelligence Spergle and her friends.
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>Luckily for you, they weren't a pain in the ass and even helped you to settle in.
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>More or less you befriended them all.
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>You looked at the forest nearby.
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>At the moment you wanted to go there and get some firewood.
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>Though, because of the rain, you simply couldn't.
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"Fuck you weather pones"
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>Yep, you've got no one to blame but yourself, for not checking the weather schedule for this week.
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>Though, it didn't stop you from looking for someone to share your guilt with.
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>You looked at your good, old axe, which was leaning against the wall.
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"This sucks major balls. For how long they intend to keep this rain going, I need to-"
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>Oh, look its over!
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"What the-"
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>It's_Magic_I_Don't_Need_To_Explain_Shit.gif
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"...oh, right."
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>You looked through the window.
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>There was bright sun, bird noises and shit outside.
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"Woohoo!"
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>Giving your best Homer Simpson impression, you quickly finished your coffee and grabbed your trusty axe.
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>Before you have the chance to do anything else, you heard someone knocking on your front door.
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>You quickly opened the door, to see who it is.
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>Standing on the wet grass in full armour and wearing saddlebags, a royal guard unicorn looked at you.
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>"Good morning, Sir. Can I take a minute of your time?"
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>Resting the axe on your shoulder, you nodded.
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"Sure, trees can wait."
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>Reaching for his saddle bags, he pulled out something that looked like a flyer of some sort.
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>He handed, erm.. hoofed it to you.
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>"Sir, did you recently saw any of the creatures depicted here?"
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>Intrigued, you looked at the sheet of paper in your hand.
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>There were four types of changelings shown there.
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>A nymph, a drone/warrior, an under-queen, and of course the big, bad queen herself.
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>From the smallest, to the largest.
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>Thanks to Twiggles teaching you about this world, you knew some basic things about changelings.
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>Also, you were aware about their turbulent history with the pony kind.
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>However, you never saw any of those bugpones IRL.
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"Nah, I didn't see any of them around."
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>The guard quickly searched your features for any signs of lying.
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>"Good to hear that, Sir. Recently their, let's call it "activity" in the area has increased."
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>You shrugged your shoulders.
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"Sorry, can't help you, bro. Even living here, near this spooky forest, I never had the "pleasure" of meeting any of them changelings."
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>"Believe me, Sir you wouldn't like that to happen. They can be very dangerous."
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>You slowly patted your axe.
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"I can take care of myslef just fine."
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>Armored stallion allowed himself a little chuckle at your display of badassery.
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>"I can see that. Before I leave, I need to perform a magic scan on anypony that lives here, just to be sure, Sir."
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>A little perplexed, you scratched your head.
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"I live alone and about that scan... well... you'll see for yourself."
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>He squinted his eyes, but didn't said anything and casted his spell on you.
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>Almost immediately his eyes grew wide.
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>"That's... impossible! You have no magical presence! It's almost as if you don't belong in this world!"
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>Holy fucking shit, it's a bingo!
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"Heh, yeah that's all me. Anonymous, totally not magical man, from totally not magical world. If you want to know more, ask Princess Spergle. I don't feel like talking about myself today. I'm in a bit of a hurry, if you catch my drift."
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>The white stallion quickly composed himself.
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>"Yes, of course, Sir. Keep the flyer and remember to report about any changeling presence in the area. Thank you for your time."
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>Later that day, you found yourself deep inside the Everfree Forest.
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>Whistling some catchy tune, you were chopping some old tree branches.
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>They were wet, but you didn't care.
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>You could store it at the back of your small cottage and wai-
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>"Aaaaarrghh!"
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>A loud scream interrupted your work.
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"What the fu-"
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>"Aaaaarrghh!"
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>One more!
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>It sounded... feminine.
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>Also, its source was behind the bushes, not so far away from you.
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>Not thinking much, you started to run in the direction of those.
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>Maybe some mare was attacked by a Manticore and it was trying to eat her?
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>You'll probably end up as its second course, but fuck that noise!
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>You couldn't live with yourself, if you knew you could save someone and didn't do shit.
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>Suicidal white knight intensifies.
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>You quickly stepped into the bushes, trying to see what's behind them.
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>What you saw was no Manticore and no marshmallow pony.
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>No, it was a more... bizarre sight.
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>Three living, breathing, freaking changelings!
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>Judging by the size and remembering what you saw on that flyer, you recognized two drones and one under-queen.
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>The largest bug horse from this strange group, was lying on the forest floor.
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>She looked like shit.
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>Almoust as if she just lost a fight with a speeding train.
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>The under-queen was bleeding badly from the many wounds in her shattered carapace.
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>Her blood was practically painting the ground green.
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>Surrounded by her almost white mane, her jagged horn was broken in half.
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>Protruding from the white part of the carapace on her back, her insect-like wings looked pretty worse for wear.
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>She was breathing heavily and her yellow eyes, with slitted pupils, were half-lidded.
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>All in all, she looked like if she was dying.
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>One of the two blue eyed drones came closer to her.
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>You noticed that the carapace on his back was also blue, only darker.
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>Using his hoof, he pressed the head of the battered under-queen to the ground.
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>Then, he turned to the other drone.
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>You heard him "talking" in clicks and taps.
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>Naturally, you didn't understand shit.
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>Though, it must have been something important, because the other started nodding his head vigorously.
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>When he finally stopped, you saw a bright green glow building at the end of his pointy horn.
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>Seeing this, the under-queen began trembling on the forest floor.
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>Using her own hoof, she was trying to remove the one that was pressed to her head.
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>With no success.
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>She was too weak to even move it a little.
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>Then, you saw the look in her eyes.
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>It was fear mixed with desperation.
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>She was fighting for her life and from the look of things, she was losing!
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>Those two wasn't her friends, or subjects trying to help her.
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>They were going to off her!
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>You squeezed the handle of your axe tighter.
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>There will be no executions on your fucking white knight watch!
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>You stepped out from the bushes and started yelling at the one, who was probably building up a death magic bolt.
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"Hey, you little turd! Leave her the fuck alone! I'm going to-"
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>You didn't get to finish that sentence.
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>Fucking dick waffle turned his head in your direction and released his deadly spell at you.
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>A bright, green flash blinded everyone for a couple of seconds.
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>If you weren't completely immune to magic, the caster would probably saw a steaming pile of meat, right where you were standing a moment ago.
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>Unfortunately for him, you were.
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>Instead of your remains, he saw a blunt end of your axe approaching his bug snout with an incredible speed.
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>In a rain of teeth, blood and saliva you knocked him high in the air.
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>That's a fucking home run if you ever saw one!
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>The other changeling didn't wait for his friend to fall down, before he jumped at you.
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>You managed to doge his attack in the last moment.
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>His sharp teeth brushed your skin, drawing blood from your shoulder.
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"Augh, that fucking hurt, you little shit!"
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>He wasn't distracted by your insult and leaped at you again.
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>This time his teeth clenched on the wooden handle of your axe, you were holding in front of you.
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>Right in the middle of it.
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>His insect wings started buzzing loudly.
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>Still clinging to your weapon, he was trying to wrench it out from your hands.
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>Without it, you were toast.
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>Luckily for you, you were probably three times heavier than him.
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>Using that to your advantage you jarked hard and rammed the back of his head into a tree.
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>Unconscious, he fall on the ground like a sack of potatoes.
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>The fight was over.
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>Breathing heavily, you approached the lying form of the beaten under-queen.
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>Her eyes were closed.
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>She was looking even worse than before.
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>Her breath was shallow and uneven.
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>Dropping your axe on the ground, you crouched down.
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>You started shaking her withers with your hand.
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"Hey, hey! Don't fall asleep now! If you do, you'll probably die!"
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>Yeah, you got some 'very basic' medical knowledge from all those medical documents, you watched back on earth.
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>Her eyes half open and she made some kind of weak humming buzz.
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"Erm, sorry I can't understand you. Though, it's good to see, you're not going into shock... yet."
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>Damn it, you don't have much time!
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>If you don't do something, she'll bleed here to death.
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>You don't really know if you want to, but you'll probably need to take her to your cottage.
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>You will be able to hel-
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"GRRRROOOOOO!"
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>Howlie fucken shit!
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>You know the animal that can growl like that!
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>It's a real fucking Manticore and pissed one at that!
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>You're probably at its turf, or something and its coming here to beat the stuffing out of you all.
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>As quickly and delicately as you could, you grabbed the under-queen in your arms and started running.
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>Fuck your axe, you'll get a new one!
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>Fuck those drone guys, they were trying to kill you and now they will turn into a Manticore shit for that!
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>Aaand there goes your white knight status.
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>Fok it, your shoulder stings.
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>Running through the forest, you take a quick look at what's in your arms.
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>White maned bug horse has her eyes closed again and her bug body was getting more and more limp.
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>Not good.
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>Not good, at all!
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>Still holding her tightly, you shake her with all your might.
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"Oi, missy! Stay here with me!"
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>You felt her moving a little and her eyes barely opened.
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>This time she doesn't made any insect-like noises.
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>She was probably too stupefied from losing all that blood right on your shirt and pants.
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>It was warm and sticky and you didn't like it.
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>Also, you began to feel a little weak.
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>She wasn't exactly light.
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>If she was standing stright, she would be as high as Sunbutt's niece - Condense, or something.
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>Fortunately, you were working at the Ponyville Day Spa as a masseur.
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>Kneading horse muscles let you develop some nice upper body strength.
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>Shame it wasn't the same for your legs.
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>You started to feel some serious burning pain it those fucking meat sticks of yours.
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>Clenching your teeth, you slow down only a little.
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"*Huf*Huf* I swear *Huf* if you fucking die now *Huf* I will piss on *Huf* your grave.*Huf*"
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>Nah, you wouldn't.
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>You've said that just to get some reaction from her, to see if she's still conscious.
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>She didn't move her head at all, but you heard a soft shrill noise coming out of her.
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>A real chatterbox that one, eh?
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>Btw, how did those two fuckers managed to beat her like that?!
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>In the flyer they wrote that under-queens were a lot more powerful than even the best of warriors.
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>Only fully developed queen was stronger than them.
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>Maybe she was injured before they attacked her?
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>Maybe...
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>Finally, you reached the edge of the forest!
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"*Huf* Oh, thank God!*Huf*"
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>You really hoped you could help her with what you have in your small abode.
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>There wasn't much there.
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>Mostly things that you had left from that time, when you had still problems with your 'horn pierced' leg.
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>Some good painkillers, drugs that help you sleep, bandages, band-aids etc.
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>Shit like that.
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>Luckily, you didn't shut the door to your cottage after you left this morning.
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>You kicked the door open and unceremoniously walked inside.
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>You quickly headed for the kitchen.
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>Carefully, you laid your delicate cargo on the kitchen table.
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>She was still semi-conscious, her eyes half-open, looking at you with absent gaze.
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>At the moment there was probably more of her blood on you, than was inside of her.
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"Fuck, fuck, fuck!"
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>Loudly chanting your sacred mantra, you collected everything, which could prove useful.
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>You took a towel and put it into a bowl filled with your strongest booze.
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"Listen, I need to clean your wounds and do everything in my power to somehow close them. I won't lie, it will hurt like motherfucker."
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>Great work there m80, you really know how to calm your patient!
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"Alright, let's get started!"
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>Slowly and with utmost care, you have begun to clean and disinfect her wounds.
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>When you saw some chipped parts of her chitin 'skin' inside, you used tweezers to get those out.
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>The under-queen was shrieking some fierce for someone, who was practically half-dead.
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>She was getting especially louder, when you were working on the bigger wounds.
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>You were silently thankful that your cottage was so far away from town.
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>If not for that fact, you'd surely have to deal with the equivalent of pony inquisition by now.
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>Because of her hard carapace, there was no way to stitch her wounds the 'traditional way'.
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>Instead of needle and thread, you used stapler, you sterilized in booze before doing anything.
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>It hurt as fuck, but was doing its job.
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>She was losing less and less blood.
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>That didn't stop the pain, though.
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>The whole table started to wobble from her jerking around.
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"I'm sorry I can't give you any painkillers right now! Those would probably put you to sleep and we don't want that! I must stop the bleeding first!"
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>Or, you thought you shouldn't give her anything at that stage.
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>Like you said, your medical knowledge was almost non-existent.
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>Though, you just couldn't take her to the pony hospital.
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>Firstly, it was to far away.
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>She would be dead before you got there.
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>Secondly, pones thought of them as monsters and would probably harm her more than help her.
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>... probably.
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>To be truthful, you had little time to think about such things.
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>When you were closing her last wound, you noticed she became suspiciously calm and quiet.
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>You nervously looked away from what you were doing.
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>At the moment, she was only trembling a little and her eyes began to roll upwards into her head.
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"Holy crap she's going into shock from all this fucking pain!"
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>Yep, shouting didn't help, but at least it kept you sane.
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>Grabbing your bag with various drugs, you quickly looked for the strongest painkillers.
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>Pouring a handful of pills onto your palm, you turned to her.
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"Listen, I don't know if those can help you, but you got nothing to lose! Eat those, please!"
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>She didn't do shit.
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>oh right, she was too focused on dying, than listening to your requests.
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>You looked at her opened bug horse maw.
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>Man, those chompers looked sharp enough to bite through steel.
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>Decisions, decisions.
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"Ah fuck it! I never liked my fingers anyway!"
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>Fucking liar.
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>While holding her lower jaw with one hand, you shoved the other one, down her throat.
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>Her eyes opened widely.
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"Believe me, this is for your own good! You must eat those!"
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>You bet that being forcefully fed drugs, wasn't high on her 'to-do-before-dying list'.
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>She quickly proved you right, by choking loudly, almost biting off your hand in the process.
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>Luckily, you were fast enough to remove it from inside her snout, before you lose your grip on her lower jaw.
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>Looking at your saliva-coated hand, you hoped that those pills won't hurt her even more.
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>After all, you didn't know anything about changelings biology and whatnot.
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>You heard a soft buzzing noise coming out of your 'patient'.
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>You saw that her now half-opened, watery eye was focused on you.
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>She was looking as if she was waiting for you to answer her 'statement'.
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"Erm... you're welcome... I guess?"
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>Hopefully it was a 'thank you' not a 'I'm going to kill you for this' kind of buzzing.
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>She didn't 'said' nothing, but was still trembling on your squeaking kitchen table.
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>In spite of yourself, you began to pet her carefully.
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"Listen, we got the worst part behind us. The drugs will start working in a moment and you'll feel better. Maybe I even let you sleep."
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>Running your fingers through her hole riddled mane, you noticed it was pleasant to the touch.
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>It felt like if it was made from the most expensive silk, you ever lied your hand on.
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>After about five minutes of your warily ministrations, you saw she began to close her eyes peacefully.
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>Also, she wasn't shaking anymore and looked pretty calm.
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>Fortunately, she was still breathing.
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>You took your hand away from her.
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"Alright, I'll let you sleep now. Meanwhile, I'll bandage your wounds and maybe clean this dried blood from you."
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>You smiled a little.
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"Have a pleasant dreams."
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>As if on cue she shut her eyes and her whole body went limp.
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>You grabbed a bandage roll from your bag and began your work.
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>When you finished, she looked more like a mummy pone, than a bug pone.
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>Especially with her white mane and white parts of her carapace.
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"Foken black&white changeling, who would have thought, eh? Maybe I should call you Oreo, or something."
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>Yeah, that would be a pretty good name for her.
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>Oreo.
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>Chuckling quietly, you delicately lifted her from the bloodied kitchen table.
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>It was more green now, than light brown.
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"Damn, I need to get myself a new kitchen table and burn this one."
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>Then, you headed to your small and only bedroom.
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>You gently placed her sleeping form on your bed and covered her with a blanket.
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>Living the door to your bedroom opened, you returned to cleaning your kitchen.
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>The blood came off from the floor tiles, but you needed to dismantle the table and add it to your firewood.
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"Guess, I have to eat in the living room for now."
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>Speaking about it, you found yourself in it after shower.
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>Lying on the couch, you thought about what just transpired.
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>The only good thing was that it all happened in your free from work day.
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>Though, you'll need to go there tomorrow and leave your 'guest' unattended for a couple of hours.
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"What's the worst that could happen? She can barely breathe by herself."
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>You closed your eyes.
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"All in all, this was one fucking crazy day, eh?"
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>Of course, no one answered.
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>You were lonely as fuck, but you liked it that way.
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>...
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>Well, sort of.
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>Not thinking much about it, you've fallen asleep.
by rmp
by rmp
by rmp