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Codename: OPFAG by Codename: OPFAG

By SlavePonyGeneral
Created: 2020-12-20 17:10:34
Expiry: Never
cheerilee/spg/

  1. [Copied from https://pastebin.com/BTw2cgw4]
  2.  
  3. >You are Anon, professional dipshit
  4. >Currently you are sitting in your grandpa Incog’s attorney’s office surrounded by your extended family
  5. >They’re all dressed in nice clothes and shit, with tissues and whatnot, trying their best to act upset
  6. >You are in a t-shirt and jeans because grandpa didn’t give a fuck and neither will you
  7. >You’ve been told he died, but the only remains to be found were a kidney, a sizable bloodstain, and a note addressed to ‘the spirit of death itself’ that just said, “Incog Nito dies on his own terms, fucker!”
  8. >The bloodstain has been identified as his, but the kidney belonged to a goat
  9. >The doctor’s said that the size of the amount of blood in that stain alone would have had him dead from blood loss
  10. >The lawyer, one Mr. Woody, clears his throat
  11. >“I’m going to warn you all that this is the most… unconventional will I’ve ever read. It’s more of a bulleted list than anything else.”
  12. >Oh boy, this is going to be good
  13. >“I, Incog Richard Nito, as my last will and testament leave all of my belongings except for those listed further in this document (see section II: scraps for the idiots) to my favorite grandson: Anon Y Mous. The reason for this decision is twofold: 1. The rest of you degenerates ever actually talked to me unless you actually had to and he would not only visit me but assist me in my fun, 2. Due to the failure of my attempts to grow a clone of myself, he is the closest thing to a clone I will ever get.”
  14. >“Section II: Scraps for the idiots. For the rest of you, divide $10 amongst yourselves and there’s a cake in the fridge if you want some, but anon gets first dibs on the cake.”
  15. >There is a stunned silence in the room
  16. >You just went from being a broke-ass college student to upper-middle class through the magic of inheritance.
  17. >Grandpa was a true hero
  18. >Your Aunt Pam is visibly upset
  19. >You can almost hear grandpa’s voice guiding you
  20. >“Just one more time, Anon. For old time’s sake. I’ve primed the bomb, I attached the fuse, light this bitch for your dear old grandpa.”
  21. >You stand up and begin to walk towards the office’s door
  22. “Whelp, I’m gonna go check out my new house. I guess there’s a cake there, and you all can have a slice or two.”
  23. >The fuse is lit Grandpa
  24. >As the door closes you hear your aunt go ballistic inside the office
  25. >I’ll miss you grandpa
  26.  
  27. >Once again, be Anon
  28. >You’ve just arrived at your new house
  29. >You unlock the door and walk in only to be greeted by a unicorn in a sweater sitting on the couch, making a laptop glow with her weird head-penis
  30. >Your Grandpa’s pony, Moondancer.
  31. >She never talked with you much, she just sort of stayed in the basement and did her own thing whenever you were hanging out with grandpa.
  32. >You guess she’s yours now
  33. >She stops the glow on her head and closes the laptop
  34. >“You must be Anon. Incog told me a lot about you, he also said that he’d left me to you in his will.”
  35. “Yeah, Grandpa was a pretty rad dude. I guess we’re living together now.”
  36. >“Yes, just let me know if you need me. I’ve got some things to work on.”
  37. “Cool, I’m gonna go get that cake out so that the rest of the family can eat and then get the hell out.”
  38. >You make your way to the fridge and find the cake that his will described.
  39. >It is frosted with the words “Who’s the senile loser now, fuckers?!”
  40. >Fuck yeah grandpa
  41. >After an evening of you eating half of a cake and 10 other people sharing the second half and trying to swindle/guilt you out of your new shit you manage to get them to fuck off.
  42. >You decide to go see how Moondancer is holding up, she and Incog had lived together for a while, and she had endured her fair share of suspicion throughout the aftermath of his death.
  43. >Thankfully she had been out doing his shopping at the time of death and several hours before and after
  44. >You quietly open the door and creep down the stairs to the basement, just in case she’s asleep and then you catch an interesting sight
  45. >Moondancer is talking with some grey Pegasus with bubbles on her ass
  46. >“… remember, you need to find Victor. He runs a tabletop game store about 15 miles northeast of here. It’s called Red Victor’s Gaming. Ask him if he has any copies of ‘benevolent unicorn.’ He’ll know what to do from there. Trust him and do what he says. Good luck.”
  47. >Yo! Red Victor’s Gaming is awesome! You play Magic there every week! You got a discount as well because Grandpa and Victor were great friends.
  48. >You didn’t know Moondancer played Magic too. Then again, Grandpa was a huge nerd, so he probably taught her. The question is: Why would she want a benevolent unicorn? It’s not a BAD card, just not very good either.
  49. >Maybe she just likes bad cards
  50. “We taking a trip to Red Victors?”
  51. >That’s when things got weird
  52. >The Pegasus jumped up, shouted, and flew straight through the basement window, leaving shards of broken glass all over the place.
  53. >Moondancer, just spun around and looked at you with sheer terror
  54. “If you just wanted to hang out alone, you just need to say it not break a fucking window.”
  55. >Be anon
  56. >Your friend/pet/slave/family heirloom, Moondancer, is trying her best to not have the cutest little panic attack
  57. >She's not doing very well
  58. >"A-anon, I-I don't know what you think this is. But it's not bad. I swear to you! Please, please don't do anything rash! I can explain!"
  59. "Ok, but you might want to stop hyperventilating first. I get the feeling this might be a long talk."
  60. >She takes a couple minutes to compose herself
  61. >"How much did you see?"
  62. "I saw you having a very interesting conversation with that nice pegasus and before they flew straight through my basement window thing. Side note, can you tell your friends that windows aren't cheap? I really don't want to have to replace those too often."
  63. >She looks baffled
  64. >"Y-You're not going to beat me?!"
  65. >You chuckle
  66. "You silly filly! That's not my fetish!"
  67. >"But you saw what I did!"
  68. "Yes."
  69. >"You aren't upset?!"
  70. "Not particularly."
  71. >"Do you even know what was happening right there?!"
  72. "If I had to guess, it's some sort of underground railroad shit, right?"
  73. >"You mean a subway? Anon, we don't even have a subway station in this state!"
  74. "No, the history thing! The one with Lariat Tubman."
  75. >"Who?"
  76. "During the civil war, she helped free slaves. She'd suplex the owners while the others ran away and went through a series of safe houses until they made it to free lands."
  77. >"Are you fucking with me right now?"
  78. "Absolutely."
  79. >"FOR FUCK'S SAKE ANON! I PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT FROM YOUR GRANDPA WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?!"
  80. >Perhaps you've said something wrong
  81. “Ok, if you want me to take it seriously, then just explain exactly what this is.”
  82. >She sighs, “Anon, have you heard those news stories about ponies disappearing from their owners?”
  83. “Yes, yes, you’re running it. I understand that much! I’m a dick, not retarded.”
  84. >“B-but it’s illegal, I don’t think you’re grasping this.”
  85. “Moondancer, when I inherited this home from my grandpa, I expected WAY worse crimes than some sort of… theft? I’m actually not sure exactly what crime that counts as.”
  86. >“It varies from state to state.”
  87. “Cool. Anyways, what’s the name of your cute little group?”
  88. >“Oh, that, Offering Ponies Freedom And Gernerosity!”
  89. “OPFAG?”
  90. >She huffs at this
  91. >“It’s pronounced OP-phage! Like a bacteriophage!”
  92. “I like OPFAG better. It has a nice ring to it.”
  93. >“Look, I don’t care what you call it! Just listen to me! Your grandpa and I worked really hard to set this up. Please don’t report this!”
  94. “Alright, this seems like it could be interesting anyways.”
  95. >“R-really?! Oh thank you thank you thank you! I was so worried that you wouldn’t understand!”
  96. >The horse is hugging you and tears are running down her face
  97. “I would, however like your quote, ‘I don’t care what you call it.’ On the record.”
  98. >She grumbles
  99. >“Goddamn it.”
  100. “That’s the spirit! On that note, I’m going to bed. We can talk more in the morning. Good night!”
  101. >The only response is an exasperated sigh
  102. >Music to your ears.
  103.  
  104. >When you awaken you notice two things
  105. >Number 1: your morning wood could cut diamonds
  106. >Number 2: Someone is in your new house cooking something that smells amazing
  107. >You are left with a decision to make: go down stairs and eat the delicious food while you’re still at full mast or deal with your erection and then eat food
  108. >Fuck it, that food smells too good.
  109. >Go downstairs to find Moondancer using that forehead-penis magic to make pancakes
  110. >She turns to greet you
  111. >“Good Morning Ano-”
  112. >She stops when she sees the tent you are still pitching
  113. >“Really?”
  114. “Fuck you, this is my house. I can walk around with as many boners as I want!”
  115. >“Is at least a minimal level of decorum too much to ask of you?”
  116. “Yes.”
  117. >“Alright, fine. There’s more important things to deal with right now anyway. About my… organization.”
  118. >This topic is not for a hungry anon.
  119. >Hungry anon requires food before any other conversation
  120. “Eat first. Faggotry later.”
  121. >And so you ate together in silence
  122. >Food eaten… check
  123. >Morning wood… receded
  124. >Good to go
  125. >You look at Moondancer
  126. >She’s clearly thinking about how to say something
  127. >You say it for her in the single best impersonation of her voice ever
  128. “Oh Anon, I’m so afraid that you’ll put a stop to the illegal horse thing going on in your basement! How will I ever begin to cope?!”
  129. >She stares at you
  130. >Clearly, she is shocked by your crazy good impression.
  131. >She looks down starts visibly shaking with anger
  132. >She takes a few breaths and tries to calm down
  133. >“Look, I can’t do it alone.”
  134. “What?”
  135. >Is this going where you think it’s going?
  136. >“I can’t keep OPFAG together and running without help. I can’t own property or manage my own finances, and I may be smart, but this whole organization is so hard to coordinate and maintain. Incog and I founded this together, and now I need somebody to take his place. He seemed to think that person would be you.”
  137. “And if I call bullshit?”
  138. >“He said to give you this.”
  139. >She pulled out a sealed envelope with your name on it and floated it over to you
  140. >You open it up and find a short message in his handwriting
  141. >’Do it you faggot- Love, Grandpa’
  142. “Aright, I’ve done stupider shit for stupider reasons. Why the hell not?”
  143. Small update before bed
  144. >"Really? That's it? You're just on board?"
  145. "Sure, Grandpa seemed to think it was worth some time."
  146. >"Well then..."
  147. "So... what do miss penis-on-head-horse?"
  148. >"I'm just going to be ignoring that, we need to go to the grocery store."
  149. "Cool. You know how to get there right? I never lived in this part of town and only really came here to so Grandpa. So I have no idea where I'm going."
  150. >She looks unsure
  151. >"Yeah, s-sure, I can get us there."
  152. >She's lying through her teeth
  153. >Probably afraid to admit to you that she doesn't know
  154. >This is going to be an adventure
  155. >You grab your keys
  156. "Let's get some motherfucking groceries!"
  157. >"Alright."
  158. >You get in your car and turn on the radio
  159. >Generic sounds are blasted through the speakers
  160. >Not the best, but Moondancer is clearly not a fan of this music, so you can deal with it
  161. "Just tell me when and were to turn ok?"
  162. >"Got it... heh..."
  163. >45 minutes later
  164. >You and moondancer are hopelessly lost in a very bad part of town
  165. "We're lost Moonie."
  166. >"I know that, I admitted we were lost about 15 minutes ago when we drove past all those people getting arrested."
  167. "Well fix it."
  168. >"HOW?! I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE!"
  169. "Use that penis on your head and magic us a way out of here!"
  170. >"It's not a penis! It's a HORN."
  171. *Knock knock knock*
  172. >There is a large ape knocking on your window
  173. >"Ey Mane! You los ou here or sommin?"
  174. "Relax! I know exactly what to do!"
  175. >You pull out your ghetto camo cd and put it in
  176. >You always keep it with you just in case you needed to blend in
  177. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9Xu5DxU8xw [Embed]
  178. >Irrythmic jungle drums begin to play and you roll down your window
  179. "I don't speak jive very well but you wouldn't happen to know how to get to the high way would you?"
  180. >"Sheet mane, yo jus take a right up at dat next light and go straight fo bout tree blocks then hang a right and you be headin straight fo it."
  181. "Th-thanks."
  182. >You roll the window up and look over to Moondancer
  183. "Did you understand any of that?"
  184. >She shakes her head
  185. >"I think he may have said something about a lion?"
  186. "I don't know man. Let's just keep wandering until we find it."
  187. >You didn't make it to the grocery store that day.
  188.  
  189. >The morning after the terrifying expedition into the tribal lands
  190. >You awake earlier than normal
  191. >Your stomach begs you to be filled like a slutty whore
  192. >Similes are hard when you're hungry
  193. >You'll try again later
  194. >Food first
  195. >You go down to the kitchen and see that moondancer is just now arriving there as well
  196. >She looks exhausted
  197. >You open your mouth to greet her and she immediately cuts you off
  198. >"I am in no mood for your shit right now. I got a call last night about a runaway that needs to be picked up and I just got done setting up the meeting. In total, I got about 2 hours of sleep. Please, just give me this day."
  199. >You move closer to her with a gentle smile and start to pet her hair
  200. "Moondancer, if I do that, then the communists win. You wouldn't want that, would you?"
  201. >Silence
  202. "Exactly."
  203. >As you walk away to eat breakfast you hear Moondancer mumbling something
  204. "I couldn't hear you. What?"
  205. >"Grumble grumle grumble-there."
  206. "Moondancer, are you having a stroke? All I hear is a bunch of garbled mumbling."
  207. >"I need your help to get to the meeting."
  208. "Do we get to use codenames?"
  209. >"What?"
  210. "I'll be Count Chocula and you can be Captain Crunch."
  211. >"Anon, what are you talking about?"
  212. "With my vampire powers and your pirate ship, nothing will stop us from serving a balanced breakfast of freedom to all the ponies of the world!"
  213. >"Anon, listen to me: I just need you to drive me to the park, hold my leash and let me handle this meeting. Ok?"
  214. "Don't worry, Crunch, I've got your back."
  215. >"Don't call me that."
  216. "Sorry, but if I didn't it would compromise OPFAG's opsec."
  217. >"Just eat your damn breakfast!"
  218. >You Salute
  219. "Crunchatize me, Captain!"
  220.  
  221. >After breakfast you go up and shower
  222. >Once you exit you hear a knocking at your bedroom door
  223. >You walk over and answer
  224. >It's Moondancer
  225. >"ANON WHAT THE FUCK! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"
  226. "But you knocked."
  227. >"That doesn't mean I want to get a face full of your dick!"
  228. "It also doesn't mean that you DON'T want a face full of my dick."
  229. >"For the love of- UGH!"
  230. >She turns away from you
  231. >Giving you a full view of her butt
  232. >Lol horse butt
  233. >Wait, she's saying something.
  234. >"Anon, are you even listening?"
  235. "I'm sorry, I was giggling at your butt. What was the question?"
  236. >"I asked you if you had my leash or not."
  237. "Look, I'm not here to judge you for your fetishes."
  238. >"Not what I meant! I can't be out on public property without a leash. Do you have it?"
  239. "Negatory captain."
  240. >"Whatever, I'm going to shower. It should be in the study on Incog's old desk. Just don't forget to grab it, ok?"
  241. "Aye aye."
  242. >She leaves and you close the door
  243. >Once dressed, you head over to the study to find that leash
  244. >Room's cool as hell
  245. >The walls on either side of you are lined with books on shelves
  246. >At the back of the room sits your Grandpa's old desk, with a small box on top of it
  247. >Feeling educated as fuck just standing here
  248. >The books make you feel like you're forgetting something but you have shit to do, you'll figure it out later
  249. >You go to the desk and look at the box
  250. >It's labeled with your name
  251. >You open it up and find something absolutely beautiful
  252. >Your grandpa's old .45 revolver, a holster for it, and 5 or 6 boxes of ammo.
  253. >There's a note at the bottom.
  254. >"6 bullets..."
  255. "More than enough to kill anything that moves."
  256. >Man, this gun brings back memories.
  257. >Your grandpa taught you how to shoot even though your parents never liked the idea that much
  258. >"How else is the boy supposed to keep the Queen of England out of his fucking face if he can't shoot?!" Your grandpa would shout
  259. >You think back to the many nights that you spent with him, shooting the bird feeders out of his neighbor's trees
  260. >No free handouts you stupid nigger birds
  261. >You remember when you first showed grandpa the scene in Metal Gear with Revolver Ocelot and how hype he got
  262. >How he grew the same moustache that Ocelot had because of it
  263. >Good times
  264. >Your good times are interrupted
  265. >"Anon? You find it?"
  266. "No. Where in the study?"
  267. >"Check the desk, second drawer!"
  268. >You look, it's there.
  269. "Got it."
  270. >"Alright, let's go! The contact is waiting!"
  271. >You load the gun, don the holster and put your jacket on over it
  272. "Alright, let's go Captain. Remember... stay Crunchy out there."
  273.  
  274. >Turns out the park you're meeting at is just over a mile from your house
  275. >There are a couple joggers and two families with kids around but it isn't too busy
  276. >One guy is running along the path all around the park
  277. >Moondancer points over to a particularly isolated set of tables
  278. >"Over there."
  279. "Copy that Cap'n."
  280. >"Would it kill you to take this seriously?"
  281. "I'd rather not risk it."
  282. >"Ok, now when we meet them just let me do the talking because this is..."
  283. >Moondancer starts rambling about something or another and you zone out a bit
  284. >"...and I know that you think your little jokes are funny but sometimes it's really hurtful and..."
  285. >How can she manage to make illegal trafficking so boring?!
  286. >"... and I can't even decide if I like the dreams or not because I wake up and have to change the sheets but I always just feel sad when I think about liking it..."
  287. >Jesus! She's still going! There's no end to it!
  288. >"... So then I'm crying because I'm alone and I need love but who would want me?! I'm just the fat nerd who wears a sweater to hide her body-ACK!"
  289. >You're startled out of your stupor by some bald retard running straight into Moondancer and falling on top of her
  290. >He kneed her right in the side of the place with those horse boobies
  291. >You know the ones
  292. >Horse anatomy is not something you've studied
  293. "You ok there?"
  294. >He puts his hands on Moondancer's side and head as he pushes himself off of the ground
  295. >Moondancer cringes in pain and lets out a small pained squeak
  296. >Ok, this is starting to be less than ok.
  297. >"You retarded ass horse! Get outta the way when your masters are moving!"
  298. >He pulls a leg back to kick her while she's down and she curls up in fear
  299. "Woah woah! What the hell? You can't just do that!"
  300. >"Why the fuck not? Your retarded donkey fucking tripped me! Needs to learn its place."
  301. "Look, if you kick her, she's going to the hospital and YOU'LL be paying for it."
  302. >"Hey fuck you man!"
  303. >He slams you against a tree
  304. >You feel something odd poking against your thigh
  305. >It's clearly coming from outside your... pants...
  306. "Oh for fuck's sake there's kids around! Don't be like this!"
  307. >He blanches
  308. >"Sh-shut up, you don't know nothing!"
  309. "I know that you're getting a stiffy from kicking my pony and holding me to a tree. Also, about that..."
  310. >You knee him in the groin... hard
  311. "You really shouldn't be rubbing your junk that close to other people's knees, that shit's begging for disaster."
  312. >He's on the ground and writhing
  313. >Maybe this whole illegal trafficking thing isn't so boring after all.
  314. >You go check on Moondancer.
  315. >Engage terrybogard.wav
  316. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiQgM0Odwts (note: I couldn't find the voice clip alone)
  317. "Are you okay?"
  318. >"I'm fine, thanks. Let's just hurry over to the spot so that we can get done with this."
  319. >She's bruised up but she should be ok.
  320.  
  321. >You help her to her hooves and head over to the benches
  322. >Once you sit down you look over and see that Baldy McFuckfaggot is limping over to an expensive looking car
  323. >You chuckle at his misery
  324. >"Thank you, by the way... For dealing with him."
  325. "Nobody gets away with rubbing their dick on me!"
  326. >"Why do I continue to try and talk with you?"
  327. "I'd probably guess that it's a combination of force of habit and crippling loneliness."
  328. >You would've paid attention to Moondancer's response, but something else catches your eye.
  329. >A large-round body wearing a trench coat and fedora as approaching you with a nervous looking magenta pony on a leash
  330. >You turn and whisper to Moondancer
  331. "Captain, I don't think our vessel can take on such a monstrous whale."
  332. >"Shut up, Anon. That's our contact, he's bringing the runaway."
  333. "My code name is Count goddamn Chocula, and you will refer to me as such."
  334. >Moondancer rolls her eyes
  335. >"Hey Trevor, I see you brought a new friend."
  336. >He responds in the most nasally and cringey voice you've heard in recent memory
  337. >"How do you do, Lady Moondancer?"
  338. >Jesus christ he actually tipped his fucking fedora
  339. >"I'm doing well, Trevor, thank you. This is Anon-"
  340. "ahem"
  341. >"I'm not calling you Count Chocula. Anyways, Anon is Incog's grandson. He inherited all of Incog's estate, including me. He's going to be helping us out."
  342. >He nods, snorts, and extends his hand for a handshake
  343. >"Welcome to opfag, Anon."
  344. >His hand is covered in cheeto-dust and sweat
  345. >You look to Moondancer
  346. >She gives you an apologetic look
  347. >Time is running out
  348. >You need a distraction
  349. >Anything to save you from those disgusting meat hooks
  350. >...
  351. >Nothing
  352. >It appears that there is no benevolent god
  353. >Just as you are about to reach out and do the deed you are saved by an angelic voice
  354. >"Look, introductions are nice and all, but I really don't want to be out in public any longer than I have to, can we please get going?"
  355. >All eyes look to the horse that Trevor had brought with him
  356. >Your savior
  357. >"You make a good point Cheerilee. I'm sorry, this is where I say goodbye. It was a pleasure m'lady."
  358. >Cheerilee visibly cringes as he tips his fedora at her and turns to leave
  359. >This horse fucking gets it
  360. >You watch as the lump lumbers to his car
  361. >Once he's out of earshot Moondancer breaks the silence
  362. >"What did you think of Trevor?"
  363. >You don't respond to her
  364. >Instead you look to Cheerilee
  365. "How long?"
  366. >She looks into your eyes
  367. >"Almost two weeks."
  368. "I'm so sorry. Let's get you home."
  369. >You bend down and take her into your arms
  370. >"Thank you."
  371. "It's the least I can do to repay you."
  372. >Moondancer simply looks bemused by the both of you
  373. >"What? What's wrong? What the hell are you two going on about?!"
  374. >You carry Cheerilee to your car while Moondancer fumes along behind you
  375. >The whole ride home is silent
  376. >When you arrive you leave cheerilee to the guest bathroom while you take a long shower
  377. >The water ran cold after the first hour
  378. >You emerged after the second and went to check on Cheerilee
  379. >You find her on the guest bed, still a bit wet, staring at a wall
  380. >You move over and hug her
  381. "Feeling better?"
  382. >"I just don't understand, Anon."
  383. "I know. You're safe now."
  384. >"His whole home smelled like cheetos and body odor. He was always opening doors for me and kept saying that he'd protect me from the slavers."
  385. "It's ok. That part's over now, you can stay here for as long as you need before you move on."
  386. >Your beautiful moment is interrupted by Moondancer's voice
  387. >"OH COME ON! HE'S JUST A BIT OF A SHUT IN! NOT SOME HORRIBLE WAR-CRIMINAL!"
  388.  
  389. >Moondancer storms off, clearly upset
  390. >You'll deal with that later
  391. >Based Cheerilee needs your help
  392. >She saved you from him
  393. >You owe her that much
  394. >20 minutes later
  395. >Cheerilee slumbers on your guest bed
  396. >Illegally
  397. >If you were caught for this you would go to prison for a long time
  398. >Neat
  399. >There was something you needed to do after you got Cheerilee to sleep
  400. >...
  401. >Can't remember
  402. >Fuck it, let's drink
  403. >You earned some booze after your heroism
  404. >TO THE KITCHEN!
  405. >When you arrive in the kitchen, you are greeted by an unexpected sight
  406. >Moondancer is sitting alone, with a half-empty bottle of scotch next to her and a bunch of Magic: the Gathring cards in front of her
  407. >She's grumbling to herself
  408. >"No no... I'm not quite ready yet."
  409. >She then takes a large swig from the bottle
  410. >The sight is so depressing you almost don't want to make fun of her
  411. "The only way you could look any more depressing is if you were talking about your new boyfriend Trevor."
  412. >She doesn't even change her hunched over posture and just sighs
  413. >"Do you ever think before you say things?"
  414. "I'd assume so. I just ignore it."
  415. >She sighs
  416. >"What do you want, Anon?"
  417. "Well, I came down here to drink, but I see you play Magic. Are you a fellow student of Master Incog?"
  418. >You wave your hands in a magical way
  419. >For magic
  420. >She hiccups a bit and giggles
  421. >You didn't know she could giggle
  422. >"He said that I wasn't allowed to live in the house until I learned how to play. I slept outside on the first night here."
  423. "How's about we get shitfaced and play a few rounds?"
  424. >She nods
  425. >"That's the first good idea I've heard from you... ever!"
  426. "What format?"
  427. >"Legacy. I-I like my deck."
  428. "You got it."
  429. >You grab your deck, get a glass, and pour some scotch
  430. >This night is going to be good
  431. >She sets down her deck and draws to seven
  432. >You do the same
  433. >Roll to go first
  434. >The game begins
  435. >3 hours, 1.5 bottles of scotch and 21 games of Magic later
  436. >Moondancer is a grumpy little drunk horsey
  437. >She's so cute when she scrunches her nose like that
  438. >You just want to shove your dick in her mouth
  439. >Wait, no, that's not it
  440. >Make fun of her, yeah!
  441. >"This is bullshit! Your deck's match-up with mine is a 9-1 in your favor!"
  442. >These darn horses and their math-numbers
  443. >Even when she's drunk she can't stop spouting them
  444. "Have you considered being better at Magic?"
  445. >"That doesn't change the fact that-"
  446. "Being. Better. At. Magic. Moonie. This is how we attain all the value!"
  447. >"But-"
  448. "Bleh bleh bleh I'm too much of a spergy nerd horse to get better at magic! That's what you sound like."
  449. >"Oh fuck off."
  450. "At least I'm not Trevor. Fuck that guy!
  451. >She blushes
  452. >"H-He's not that bad."
  453. "Oh come ON Moondancer, he's the human cringe!"
  454. >"A-Anon."
  455. "Cheerilee said that he barely left his house, and just read and ate all day! How does he still have a home?!"
  456. >"H-he."
  457. "Never mind, I don't care. My point is that he has no redeeming qualities."
  458. >"Anon why are you so mean to him?!"
  459. "Because I find it amusing?"
  460. >"I cannot believe you!"
  461. "Oh my god, you like him?!"
  462. >"What? NO!"
  463. "Oooooh I'm going to go kiss my new boyfriend Trevor! He's so dreeeeeeaaaaammmmyyyy!"
  464. >Your impression of her is so spot on right now
  465. >It's so good you've moved her to tears
  466. >"F-fuck you! You stupid prick!"
  467. >Wow, if she didn't sound like she was crying she'd be doing an ok Anon impression
  468. >She stumbles over to the basement door and opens it
  469. >She give you one last angry look because of how much better your impression of her was
  470. "Goodnight Moon!"
  471. >She carefully goes downstairs in shame
  472. >You totally nailed everything you did tonight
  473.  
  474. >You are Moondancer, magical genius, regular genius, co-founder and leader of a relatively successful anti-slavery organization
  475. >You are also drunk, lonely and more than a little hurt
  476. >Stupid fucking Anon
  477. >You don't know why you put up with him
  478. >His words about Trevor continue to bounce around in your brain
  479. >You cringe
  480. >That used to be you
  481. >Until you made friends
  482. >Not that you had them for long
  483. >The war started pretty soon after you finally came out of your shell
  484. >You and your friends were in the volunteer corps when you were all captured
  485. >You'd been helping in a small fort when the human soldiers arrived
  486. >You remember it so vividly
  487. >Chatting with Twinkleshine about the lunch you'd both had that day
  488. >The sudden gunshots
  489. >The screams
  490. >You still have nightmares about it sometimes
  491. >Getting down on the ground and begging for your life
  492. >The hands that grabbed you and pulled you away from the base
  493. >Being taken to some kind of prison with the rest of the ponies they'd captured
  494. >The absolute terror about your situation
  495. >The relief when you found your friends
  496. >The feeling of hope that their group hug gave you
  497. >Finding out you were going to be sold as slaves
  498. >Minuette's plan for escape
  499. >The fucking disastrous celestia-damned plan
  500. >She disappeared for a couple days after that
  501. >When she came back, she was broken
  502. >She never smiled
  503. >Never laughed
  504. >The only time she spoke was when one of your captors spoke to her
  505. >Even then all she'd say were things like "Yes, Master," "No, Master," and "Thank you, Master"
  506. >The rest of the time she just stared at the wall and said nothing
  507. >At first, all three of you tried your best to be there for her and coax her out again
  508. >After about a month, Twinkleshine was sold and they took her away
  509. >Lemon Hearts followed a week or so later
  510. >But you refused to give up
  511. >For months you tried to help your friend
  512. >The whole time, her dead eyes wore away at your hope
  513. >One day, it became too much to bear
  514. >You made a decision that day
  515. >You were going to save your friend
  516. >You remember all of this but there is one thing that you remember better than anything else
  517. >Minuette didn't even struggle for her life
  518.  
  519. >You are Anon
  520. >Your head is not happy with you
  521. >Nor is the majority of your body
  522. >You drank too much last night
  523. >You have to piss
  524. >But you don't want to turn on a light
  525. >Engage auto-pilot
  526. >You walk straight into a wall
  527. "FUCK!"
  528. >The bathroom's door should be here!
  529. >Wait
  530. >You're not in your old apartment
  531. >You're going to have to get some light to get there
  532. >You approach the switch
  533. >3
  534. >2
  535. >1
  536. >Flick
  537. >The pain is real
  538. >After a few moments your eyes adjust and you manage to keep them open for a bit
  539. >You're in the living room
  540. >You must have fallen asleep on the couch
  541. >Figures
  542. >You go to the bathroom
  543. >After the sweet release of all that fluid from your bladder, you decide that a hangover breakfast is in order
  544. >Moonie will probably need some too
  545. >She seemed pretty hammered in the last few memories you have of the night
  546. >As you begin to prepare your hangover foods you hear someone coming down the stairs
  547. >Cheerilee has arrived looking cheery and well rested
  548. >"Good morning Anon."
  549. >Jesus christ, she's so damn happy
  550. >"How was your night?"
  551. >She's getting a bit too close to your legs for you to be ok with right now
  552. "Don't do this to me."
  553. >"What?"
  554. "I'm hung over. This whole happy cheery morning person thing you've got going,"
  555. >You gesture to all of her
  556. "It's not going to work for me for at least a couple more hours."
  557. >She gives you a look of genuine concern
  558. >"But, Anon."
  559. "What?"
  560. >"I'm not a morning person. I'm a morning pony."
  561. "Out of the kitchen."
  562. >She just laughs and goes into the living room
  563. >Hold up, did she fucking wink over her shoulder at you?
  564. >Fuck it, you're not dealing with this right now
  565. >You wonder if this is how Moondancer feels all the time
  566. >Speak of the nerd horse, and she shall appear
  567. >Moondancer has emerged from her with a look of misery
  568. "I know that feel, friend horse."
  569. >She just grumbles at you and walks over to the counter
  570. "I've got some hangover food almost done."
  571. >"Thanks."
  572. >She walks off
  573. >You plate up the food and set them at the table
  574. "Food's up."
  575. >Cheerilee practically skips in and takes a seat right next to you
  576. >Moondancer trudges in a few moments later and shoots you an annoyed look
  577. >You ignore it
  578. >If she has a problem she can use her words like a big girl
  579. >"Thank you so much for helping me out, that was the best sleep I've had in MONTHS and..."
  580. >You ignore her and eat your food
  581. >It seems like Moondancer is doing the same
  582. >Good on you Moondancer
  583.  
  584. >After breakfast you shower and take a few more minutes to recover from your hangover before you put your suit and tie on and head back downstairs
  585. >You find Cheerilee sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for something
  586. >She looks up at you
  587. >"What now?"
  588. "I'm going to need way more context for that question before I can even think about the answer to that."
  589. >"About my relocation. What's the next step?"
  590. "Probably some stupid bullshit that Moondancer will end up handling."
  591. >"It's not stupid and you're going to be helping me."
  592. >You and Cheerilee both jump at Moondancer's sudden appearence
  593. >She looks like she's recovered enough to be a bossy grump again
  594. >Wait a minute
  595. "Something just occurred to me."
  596. >Moonie rolls her eyes and Cheerilee just tilts her head
  597. >"Oh boy here we go."
  598. "I own you..."
  599. >Moondancer glares at you... harshly
  600. "And if I own you, that means you don't get to give me orders..."
  601. >She glares harder
  602. "I get to give YOU orders!"
  603. >Glaring intensifies
  604. "Moondancer, fetch me an ice cream sandwich!"
  605. >Is she actually glaring so hard that she's shaking?
  606. >Cool.
  607. >"Anon, I need you to answer this truthfully: Are you retarded?"
  608. "I have my moments."
  609. >"I'm just going to go on with what I was saying now: The next step is to get you over to Red Victor's tabletop games. It's not terribly far from here, but it's in the city, so we'll have to be careful."
  610. >Cheerilee looks a bit nervous
  611. >"When do we leave?"
  612. >"Today, Vic's got his orders coming in today and he's sending out all the online sales after that. You'll be smuggled out that way."
  613. "I'm not leaving without my goddamn ice cream sandwich."
  614. >"Anon, you're being ridiculous."
  615. "What's ridiculous, Moondancer, is how few ice cream sandwiches are in my hands right now."
  616. >"You are acting like a child!"
  617. "And I will continue to do so until my demands are met!"
  618. >"FINE! I'll get you your fucking ice cream sandwich!"
  619. >She storms out of the living room and into the kitchen
  620. "Thanks Moonie, you're the coolest horse!"
  621. >Her response comes in the form of high speed frozen confections
  622. "Goddamn it! My suit!"
  623.  
  624. >You are Moonancer
  625. >You are currently in the car with your idiotic owner after his stupid ice cream tantrum
  626. >It's like he's all of the worst parts of Incog, with none of the redeeming qualities
  627. >He spent 15 minutes spazzing out about his suit that he wears every day
  628. >Or does he own one for every day?
  629. >It doesn't matter, he's still an idiot
  630. >Now he's actively pouting as he drives you and Cheerilee over to the next stop on her road to freedom
  631. >By actively pouting, you mean it
  632. >He seems to be putting effort into the pout
  633. >Sweet Celestia, what is wrong with him?
  634. "Are you just going to pout like that all day?"
  635. >"Oh, I'm sorry I'm not a cold, emotionless ruiner of things like a certain PONY I know who had definitely lost the title of coolest horse to Cheerilee!"
  636. >Cheerilee pokes her head forward from the front seat.
  637. >"Oh, Anon, you're so swee-"
  638. >"Shut up Cheerilee, the grown ups are talking!"
  639. >"Aww."
  640. "Anon, what the actual hell is wrong with you?"
  641. >"Nothing, Moondancer, I'm fine!"
  642. "You're clearly not fi-woah!"
  643. >You suddenly shift as the car suddenly changes direction and enters the parking lot near Red Vic's Tabletop Games
  644. >At least you get to say hi to Victor
  645. >With any luck he'll know how to get Anon to calm the fuck down
  646. >Anon unbuckles and starts to get out of the car
  647. >You turn back to Cheerilee, and notice that she's still staring at Anon
  648. "Are you coming?"
  649. >"What, yeah, yeah, I'm coming"
  650. >With that, the three of you head into the shop
  651. >This can only go well
  652.  
  653. >Your identity?
  654. >Anon
  655. >Your mission?
  656. >Enter Red Victor's Games in order to proceed with whatever faggotry Moondancer kept going on about
  657. >The problem?
  658. >The store is filled to burst with sweaty neckbeards and black people
  659. >The neckbeards aren't really too out of the ordinary for this place, there was always at least one or two of them around
  660. >All you had to do was ignore them
  661. >But this concentration was alarming
  662. >And the blackuns?
  663. >What the hell are they doing in the store?!
  664. >Admittedly, you didn't spend a ton of time there, because you lived a good hour from it before Grandpa passed
  665. >But every time you were with grandpa for any period of time, you'd spend a night there playing Magic and shit with him and Uncle Victor
  666. >As you drew even closer, you saw the truth
  667. >The disgusting, horrifying truth
  668. >Two words leave your mouth with more disgust than you've felt since meeting Trevor
  669. "Yu-Gi-Oh players."
  670. >You stop and glare as hard as you can at the store's current patrons
  671. >Cheerilee and Moondancer must have caught up with you because you hear Moondacer sigh before she speaks
  672. >"It's pretty full, but we have procedures in place for this. Come on."
  673. >Moondancer begins to advance with a very clearly hesitant Cheerilee
  674. >No! That horse saved you once, you cannot allow her to fall victim to their unbearable faggotry!
  675. "Stop! Girls, no!"
  676. >They both stop and look at you
  677. >Cheerilee with hope and a bit of confusion
  678. >Moondancer with what can only be described as resigned frustration
  679. >Moonie speaks
  680. >"What is it now, Anon?"
  681. "Moondancer, do you see what those are?!"
  682. >You gesture to the... things in the store
  683. >"Well, no matter how I answer that question, this is going to go somewhere idiotic. So why don't you just tell me so that we can move on?"
  684. "Those are Yu-Gi-Oh players, Moonie! Did Grandpa never warn you about them?!"
  685. >"That's what this is about?! Holy shit, what is it with you two and Yu-Gi-Oh?"
  686. "They're the worst!"
  687. >"For the love of- UGH- there is nothing wrong with people for liking Yu-Gi-Oh!"
  688. "They aren't people, Moonie. They're close, but wrong. As if somebody tried to make a human but had only ever been told what humans are like."
  689. >"Well Trevor plays Yu-Gi-Oh. He's not that bad!"
  690. "Trevor is the worst!"
  691. >"How is he the worst?!"
  692. "Did you use your eyeballs and look at him?"
  693. >"Just because he's a bit over weight doesn't make him the worst."
  694. "He is a walking cringe, Moondancer!"
  695. >"At least he's not a bad knock off of his Grandpa!"
  696. >Shouts of 'dayum' and 'roasted' are heard from the undesirables nearby
  697. "That was.. actually pretty hurtful. Huh..."
  698.  
  699. >You are Moondancer and you cannot believe this shit
  700. >He's actually hurt?!
  701. >And now Cheerilee is looking at you like YOU'RE the one a fault!
  702. >"Moondancer that was uncalled for. His Grandpa JUST died."
  703. "What? How am I the villian here?"
  704. >Anon pipes up
  705. >"Yeah, Moondancer, the grieving process takes time!"
  706. "Were you not just hearing him?"
  707. >"Well..."
  708. "What?"
  709. >"Trevor was pretty bad..."
  710. >"Thanks Cheerilee."
  711. >Anon bends down to hug her and she turns around to return the hug
  712. >While her back is to you he looks at you
  713. >And he fucking winks at you
  714.  
  715. >You're Anon and Cheerilee's hug is nice
  716. >How the hell is this pony so goddamn soft?
  717. >It's black magic, some sort of voodoo or something
  718. >Either way, you're a bit sad to see her go
  719. >Sure you'd only had her there for a day or so but she seemed nice enough to be around
  720. >Is she sniffing your hair?
  721. >...
  722. >Yes, yes she is
  723. >And now she's shuddering a bit
  724. "Okay, this hug is over."
  725. >You stand up
  726. >Cheerilee stumbles a bit at your sudden movement
  727. >Her stumbling knocks you over and you land flat on your ass
  728. >"Sorry."
  729. "Don't make this weirder than it needs to be."
  730. >Moondancer is behind her, still quaking with anger at the events from a few moments ago
  731. >Your options are limited here, Moondancer is blocking the path to your car
  732. >Before you can make your decision, she speaks
  733. >"Let's just go inside and get this done."
  734. "So I'm off the hook?"
  735. >She doesn't answer as she finishes walking to the door and opens it
  736. >You and Cheerilee follow her
  737.  
  738. >As soon as you enter, you're confronted with the sight and stench of Neckbeards
  739. >Several of them turn to the three of you as you enter
  740. >You're already regretting this
  741. >So many fedoras
  742. >So many cringe-inducing pins placed inside those fedoras
  743. >So much grease
  744. >One of them is literally staring at Moondancer's ass as she walks by him
  745. >You cringe as another tips his fedora to Cheerilee
  746. >She is visibly uncomfortable in here
  747. >You can only imagine what it was like to live with one of these things
  748. >One of them walks up and starts to try and talk to you about your ponies
  749. >You ignore him and keep walking
  750. >He fucking follows you and starts trying to talk to Moondancer
  751. >The bulbous lard sack speaks
  752. >"Hey."
  753. >Moondancer, instead of simply not engaging with him, tries to politely tell him to fuck off
  754. >"Hello, look we're really trying to get this thing done."
  755. >Oh for fuck's sake he has a visible erection already! She's only said one sentence!
  756. >"Maybe I can help. A beautiful pony like yourself shouldn't be here alone."
  757. >"I'm not alone, I'm here with my owner. So everything's fine."
  758. >"You seem stressed out, do you need a hug?"
  759. >"Look, I've had a long day and-
  760. >Despite her very clear protest, the mound bends down and begins to envelope her in his flabby arms
  761. >Maybe today won't be so bad after all
  762. >She fucking gets it
  763. >His hands start at her back but slowly move downward and Moondancer is clearly uncomfortable
  764. >Is this faggot seriously trying to cop a feel on your horse?
  765. >Just as you finish that thought, his hand hits her butt-tattoo and she yelps
  766. >Then she bites down on his shoulder
  767. >He howls out in pain and drops her
  768. >"What the hell? You can't just bite me!"
  769. >"You can't just hug me without my consent! And you ESPECIALLY can't just grab my ass either you creep!"
  770. >"It was just a hug!"
  771. >A couple of his buddies are there now
  772. >You decide to join them before shit gets too bad
  773. "What happened here?"
  774. >"This stupid pony just bit me out of nowhere!"
  775. >You decide to play along with him to see where this goes
  776. >You adopt a parental tone
  777. "Moondancer, did you bite this person for no reason?"
  778. >"He molested me!"
  779. >"She's a fucking lying about me now!"
  780. "Well I did watch you cop a feel on my horse there. You're not very subtle."
  781. >His face is beet red
  782. >"That's not what happened, you idiot!"
  783. >You laugh in his face
  784. "Is that really your best attempt at damage control?"
  785. >He mad now
  786. >"Are you calling me a liar?"
  787. "Among other things."
  788. >He gets in your face
  789. >His breath threatens to bring back the ice cream sandwich from earlier
  790. >"I'll kick your ass, I learned karate and have trained with Katanas for three years now!"
  791. >He pushes you and you trip over Moondancer, who had apparently moved to behind you without you noticing
  792. >She cringes in pain
  793. >You realize that she still had a fairly sizable bruise from the day before and you may have just hit her there
  794. >You look up to see a smug neckbeard laughing with his friends
  795. >You rise and Mr. Meatsweat takes an anime fighting stance
  796. >Do you and Moondancer have to fight some kind of ridiculous super-fag every time you go out or something?
  797. >You throw one punch and hit him square in the jaw and he stumbles back and leans on one of the long tables
  798. >Problem solved
  799. >Just as you are about to turn around to check on Moondancer, a strong hand clasps your shoulder and violently jerks you around
  800. >The next thing you know, you're on the ground, your vision is going black
  801. >Grandpa always said that Victor had a mean right hook
  802.  
  803. >You wake up on the floor a black room with a single light hanging from the ceiling
  804. >The light illuminates a small table with 3 chairs around it
  805. "Well fuck, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that this is how I go out."
  806. >You think back to what grandpa told you about how to handle this
  807. >It's not clear if you're just remembering very well or hearing his words
  808. >"The best plan is to avoid ending up there, Anon. If you're already in the situation, you're basically fucked. At that point, just screw with them. You may as well, right?"
  809. "Sounds like as good of a plan as any."
  810. >You go over to the table and sit, waiting for Agent Whoever to come out and start whatever it is that's gonna happen to you
  811. >After waiting a couple minutes, you hear footsteps approaching
  812. >As they draw near, you begin to make out a shape in the shadows
  813. >It's clearly human, probably a man, about your height
  814. >The figure stops just short of coming into the light, remaining little more than a shape
  815. >It just stands there and watches you silently for a bit
  816. >It's actually pretty intimidating
  817. >Not that you'd let them know that
  818. "Is this going to be one of those 'sit down and talk' interviews or more of the 'nipple taser' variety?"
  819. >The figure answered in a startlingly familiar voice as it stepped into the light
  820. >"That's up to you, Anon."
  821. >Holy shit
  822. "GRANDPA?!"
  823.  
  824. >He pulls out a chair and sits down across the table from you.
  825. >This can't be real
  826. >"How have you been, boyo?"
  827. "So we're just sandbagging the fact that you're not actually dead? Ok. I'm down with that."
  828. >He laughs a bit then looks at you with a twinkle in his eye
  829. >"Oh, I'm definitely dead. Did you see the size of that bloodstain?"
  830. >You can't help but grin. You know an invitation to a game of "faggot's logic" when you hear one
  831. "It could just have easily been blood you'd been drawing over time and storing so that you could fake your own death. After all, there were no other remains found that were yours. The kidney belonged to a goat!"
  832. >"Well what about the note?"
  833. "The note never said that you were killing yourself. You were just telling death to fuck itself. You could have also been implying that you'd found the secret to immortality."
  834. >"But Anon, immortality is a myth."
  835. "You can't prove that. It could be that you found it and it involved that goat's kidney somehow! Good game, faggot!"
  836. >"Alright well played."
  837. >Another voice intrudes on your conversation
  838. >"What game is this?"
  839. >You turn and see a tall horse that you don't recognize
  840. >She's blue, has a big-ass dick on her head, and... wings?
  841. >You're about to yell at her when you notice the moon shape on her butt
  842. >Is Moondancer trying to be an edgelord now?
  843. "What the hell Moondancer? You look absolutely retarded."
  844. >Moonie looks confused
  845. >"What?"
  846. "Did Trevor tell you this was a good idea? The edgy chick look does not work for you."
  847. >Suddenly she dons a look of comprehension
  848. >"I see."
  849. >Her horn glows and in a flash she looks like her old self again.
  850. "There, you look much better now."
  851. >"Anyways, what was the game you were just playing? All I saw was an argument."
  852. "Grandpa never taught you how to play Faggot's Logic?! Grandpa! What the hell?"
  853. >Grandpa clears his throat
  854. >"As fun as this is, I don't have all the time in the world to talk with you."
  855. "What do you mean?"
  856. >"Anon, what's the last thing you remember happening before waking up here?"
  857. >You think about it for a minute
  858. "... Ohhhhhh. I think I get it. So I'm dreaming?"
  859. >"Of course you are, boyo."
  860. "So, you're not real."
  861. >"I never said that."
  862. "But you're dead."
  863. >"I could be a ghost."
  864. "Or you could be my mind."
  865. >"Would it matter?"
  866. "It would make me feel less weird about masturbating in your old house."
  867. >"It didn't stop you when I was alive."
  868. "Because you weren't ghosting around all over the place and watching me!"
  869. >"As far as you know."
  870. "I'm not sure how I feel about this."
  871. >"We're getting side tracked anyways. I came here to ask you a few things."
  872. "Shoot."
  873. >"Why did you agree to help Moondancer with OPFAG?"
  874. "I dunno. Fun?"
  875. >"Really? Fun? Nothing else?"
  876. "Nothing comes to mind, no."
  877. >"I shouldn't have expected any different. Not yet, at least."
  878. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
  879. >"You'll see what I mean when it becomes relevant."
  880. "Fuck that cryptic bullshit, tell me."
  881. >"I'm a dead old man, Anon. All I've got left is cryptic nonsense."
  882. "Can I at least have a hint."
  883. >"If you insist on being such a faggot, fine. Think about what Moondancer said to you."
  884. "That's a lot of things."
  885. >"I know. Isn't it fun?"
  886. >With that, he stood up and began reaching into his pocket
  887. >"They've been trying to get you up for a while. I think Moonie's getting worried. Better help them out."
  888. "How do you plan to do that?"
  889. >He pulls out a taser
  890. >This does not bode well for the Anon
  891. >He shoots you
  892. >You are wracked with agony as you writhe on the ground
  893. >You can't move
  894. >You're still in the dark room
  895. >"Oh shit! That didn't work? Here, let me try again."
  896. >He reloads as you feel a puddle form around you from the loss of bladder control
  897. >This time, just as he fires, you awaken with a start
  898. >You're in a bed in a room you don't recognize
  899. >Cheerilee and Moondancer are both next to the bed
  900. >Cheerilee is immediately hugging you
  901. >Very tightly
  902. >"I'm so glad you're okay, I was worried you weren't going to wake up!"
  903. >Moondancer clears her throat
  904. >"Are you feeling better? Any nausea, headache, dizziness, confusion?"
  905. "Well I'm in a bed I don't recognize and there's a horse who's hoof is getting WAY too far down for me to be ok with-"
  906. >"You were totally into it."
  907. "-but otherwise, no."
  908. >Moondancer just nods
  909. >"We're in Victor's apartment, just above the shop. He knocked you out after your fight with that one guy. Thanks, by the way."
  910. "I'd rather you stop ending up in those positions."
  911. >"And I'd rather you stop being insufferable. It seems we all have our problems in life."
  912. "You got me there."
  913. >"I need to go talk with Vic. Cheerilee, make sure Anon rests a bit more. Ok?"
  914. >She beams at those words
  915. >"I'll do it!"
  916. "But Moondancer-"
  917. >"It'll just be for a bit."
  918. >As she walks out of the room, she casts a smug look over her shoulder
  919. >And fucking winks at you
  920.  
  921. >You are Anon
  922. >Things are looking less than optimal at the moment
  923. >In times like this, it's best to take a quick stock of what's going on
  924. >You're in a bed
  925. >You've got a pounding headache
  926. >You're confused about what your Grandpa's ghost or your subconscious asked you in your dream
  927. >There's a magenta lady horse caring for you
  928. >Her current efforts consist mostly of staring at you with a weird grin
  929. >It's a bit odd
  930. >"So... here we are... alone."
  931. >That's a bit odd
  932. >It's almost like she's dropping hints at you
  933. >Almost
  934. >As you think of how to respond, you are struck by a terrible realization
  935. >Getting tazed in your dream may have affected your physical bladder just as bad as your dream bladder
  936. >You open your mouth to alert Cheerilee to this but she places her hoof over your mouth and shushes you
  937. >"Don't speak Anon. Let me show you how I feel."
  938. >She nuzzles her head up to your chest
  939. >Okay it's starting to look like she's trying to seduce you
  940. >This makes your earlier realization even more dire
  941. "Cheerilee I-"
  942. >She quickly cuts you off with a kiss
  943. >It's around the time that she forcefully shoves her tongue into your mouth that you realize you may have misread a few signals that she sent
  944. >It's not as weird as you'd thought it would be
  945. >In fact, it's quite nice
  946. >When she pulls back from the kiss she speaks again
  947. >"I know. I've felt it too."
  948. >Of course! How could she not have felt it?
  949. >Huh, you'd never pegged Cheerilee to be into that
  950. >You think for a moment
  951. >It's not really your fetish, but you've never tried it
  952. >You can't knock a fetish until you try it, right?
  953. >Let's see what happens
  954. >She begins working her mouth down your neck to your chest
  955. >She continues until she hits the edge of where the comforter on the bed was covering you
  956. >She throws it to the side and shouts
  957. >"DID YOU PEE YOURSELF?!"
  958. "I thought that wish your fetish!"
  959.  
  960. Father's day Special! *tooooot*
  961. >You are Richard Anon Mous
  962. >Father of Anon Yancey Mous
  963. >You've just woken up
  964. >You look over at the clock
  965. >4:30 AM
  966. >Well shit, you don't need to be up until 6:00
  967. >You look over to your wife, Fem Anon Mous
  968. >You chuckle as you start to think about the past
  969. >One of the first things that drew you and your wife together was the fact that you had the same weird middle name
  970. >You'd gotten it because it was an old family name
  971. >Your wife had gotten it because her father thought it was funny
  972. >She never had gotten along well with her father
  973. >Not that you can really blame her
  974. >Incog is an... interesting person
  975. >The first time you had dinner with her family he'd kept a morning star on the table right next to his plate
  976. >After dinner he asked you if you'd ever trained for gladiatorial combat
  977. >Thinking this was one of the elaborate jokes that Fem had told you about you told him that you wielded a mean trident
  978. >You learned a few things that night
  979. >1. You do not, in fact wield a mean trident
  980. >2. Incog is not a man to cross... ever
  981. >3. You may have a gladiator woman fetish
  982. >You'd been knocked down when Fem came to your aid
  983. >Apparently she'd been trained by Incog from a young age
  984. >Something about her brandishing a sword and shield in your defense was inherently sexy
  985. >Despite the fact that her dad had kicked your ass in the back yard, she continued to date you
  986. >And Incog continued to find reasons to kick your ass in the back yard
  987. >And Fem continued to come to the rescue
  988. >Your sexy sexy rescue
  989. >Your thoughts are interrupted by the realization that you need to take a piss
  990. >As you get out of bed, your wife rolls over and yawns
  991. >"Good morning dear."
  992. >You walk into the master bath, don't bother closing the door
  993. "Good morning."
  994. >The sweet release of a morning piss is like the weight of the world being lifted from your bladder
  995. >"Did Anon remember to call you yesterday?"
  996. >What? Call you?
  997. "What do you mean?"
  998. >Your wife stares at you like an idiot for a good few seconds before speaking
  999. >"What was special about yesterday, dear?"
  1000. >You tense up
  1001. >That is a sentence that never leads anywhere good
  1002. >You run down a list of dates in your head
  1003. >You've got nothing
  1004. >defeated_sagging_shoulders.exe launches
  1005. "What did I forget this time?"
  1006. >"It was father's day! How did you forget that!"
  1007. >Oh
  1008. >"Richard, seriously, what the hell?"
  1009. "How am I in trouble when Anon's the one who forgot to call?"
  1010. >"Richard this isn't just about the phone call Rich, I-"
  1011. >Ringity ring ring ring ringity
  1012. >That tone is reserved for calls from work
  1013. "I'm sorry dear, I gotta take this."
  1014. >She just throws her hands up and rolls her eyes as you answer
  1015. "Hello?"
  1016. >"Rich, it's Adam. We've got some news that we need you to have a look at."
  1017. "It's 4:30 in the morning, can't it wait until I get in?"
  1018. >"Look, we've been contacted by somebody claiming to be part of one of the pony smuggling rings. We need you here to help verify his info."
  1019. "Alright, fine. Give me an hour and I'll be there."
  1020. >"Thanks, Rich."
  1021. "No problem."
  1022. >End call
  1023. "We've got a big development, I've gotta head out."
  1024. >You begin to put your clothes on
  1025. >"This is what I'm worried about Richard, you've been working so much. You're exhausted."
  1026. >You open your mouth to argue but realize that she's entirely right
  1027. "I'm sorry dear. I'll talk with my boss and see what I can do."
  1028. >"Please do."
  1029. >You pick up your badge and keys then head to the kitchen to grab a bagel to take in the car
  1030. >You hear your wife calling from the bedroom
  1031. >"When you come back I'm going to require some thorough snuggles!"
  1032. "You got it, dear."
  1033.  
  1034. >The ride to work is quiet
  1035. >Gives you time to think
  1036. >Fem's not wrong about you working a ton
  1037. >But that's what you signed up for when you applied right?
  1038. >After all, it's your job to help catch and break up these illegal smuggling rings
  1039. >Back when you first started working Immigration and Customs Enforcement you were mostly working against human smuggling
  1040. >Then the ponies showed up
  1041. >After that there was an explosion of smuggling rings for the damn things
  1042. >You've found nearly twenty five operations in the past three years
  1043. >A few have already been shut down
  1044. >There's more that you know exist but you don't have enough to find yet
  1045. >Petp, the Red Hooves, and OPFAG come to mind
  1046. >Maybe you'll finally get something worth acting on today
  1047. >As you pull into the nearly empty parking lot, you sigh
  1048. >You can't get your hopes up yet
  1049. >This could just be nothing
  1050.  
  1051. >Your name is Cheerilee and your rump is damp
  1052. >It was not the good kind of rump dampness
  1053. >It used to be the good kind, about five minutes ago
  1054. >Now the dampness only served as an uncomfortable reminder of what had just transpired
  1055. "What do you mean you thought it was my fetish?"
  1056. >"Well you said 'I feel it too,' and I took that to mean the moist feeling!"
  1057. "Of course I felt a moist feeling!"
  1058. >"Then why didn't you bring it up?"
  1059. "Are you being serious right now?!"
  1060. >"I just went from getting dream-tazed by my dead grandpa to getting half-seduced by a horse! I'm not funny enough to top that shit!"
  1061. >In that moment, years and years of sexual frustration finally came to a head
  1062. >Your former owners reveled in orgasm denial
  1063. >They would find ways to bring you to the edge of an orgasm before throwing a chastity belt on you and going to bed
  1064. >You didn't orgasm once during the almost three years that you lived with them
  1065. >When you ran away, you managed to rub yourself silly the first night
  1066. >It wasn't enough
  1067. >Now, you finally had a chance and it was slipping away
  1068. >Your decision was made
  1069. "No."
  1070. >"What?"
  1071. >"That's not how this is happening. I'm not going to just give up like this!"
  1072. >Your voice was rising in volume
  1073. >"I'm not sure I'm equipped to handle this kind of scenario."
  1074. "SHUT UP! I HAVEN'T GOTTEN LAID IN THREE. YEARS."
  1075. >"But-"
  1076. >You use your 'authority voice' that you used to use when your students wouldn't listen
  1077. "Here's what's going to happen: You are going to get up, shower, wash these sheets, and then you're going to come back here and FUCK. ME. SILLY! GOT IT?!"
  1078. >"This took a turn I was not prepared for."
  1079. "MOVE IT!"
  1080.  
  1081. >You are Anon
  1082. >You've just been shoved off of a wet bed by a horny purple horse
  1083. >It would appear that you have some Laundry to do
  1084. >With a small clopping sound, Cheerilee hops off the bed
  1085. >You stand up, remove the soiled sheets and make them into a ball with the moist part in the center
  1086. >As you walk out of the room you hear Cheerilee call to you in a low-sultry tone
  1087. >"I'll be waiting for you."
  1088. >As you look for a laundry machine your attention is caught by a voice with a fairly heavy Russian accent
  1089. >"-and your frustration is understandable. I just cannot help but feel he hasn't gotten the chance to truly prove himself yet."
  1090. >Moondancer's voice comes next
  1091. >"I've been TRYING to work with him, Vic. But he's just so... so... infuriating! It's like he can't take anything seriously."
  1092. >You round a corner and see a frustrated looking Moondancer sitting across the table from a huge man with broad shoulders
  1093. >His face is lined with age and what appear to be a few scars
  1094. >Victor, your Grandpa's best friend
  1095. >They both stop and look at you with your big orb of piss sheets
  1096. >Quickly, say something!
  1097. "So Cheerilee peed on your sheets."
  1098.  
  1099. >Moondancer stares at you with her normal frustration
  1100. >Victor just throws his head back and releases a hearty laugh
  1101. >"Oh, if only you knew what else has been washed from those sheets."
  1102. >He makes direct eye-contact just as he finishes the sentence
  1103. "Is it story time? That sounds like a thing that people say just before story time!"
  1104. >Moondancer rubs the base of her head-penis with her hoof
  1105. >Heh, it looks like she's about to jerk her forehead off
  1106. >"No, Anon, it is not story time."
  1107. >Victor cuts in
  1108. >"Not yet, at least."
  1109. >"Don't encourage him Victor."
  1110. >He puts his hands up to drop the topic
  1111. >"Regardless, I'm glad you've come to join us. I have something that I wanted to discuss with both of you."
  1112. "I'm going to level with you, Vic. I'm already not great at the whole 'paying attention when I'm being spoken to' thing, but holding a ball of cotton and horse-pee isn't going to help that at all."
  1113. >"Just set them on the floor, my friend, I'll take care of it."
  1114. >You drop the moist sheets and take a seat next to Moondancer
  1115. >Moondancer speaks up
  1116. >"I stand by what I said."
  1117. >"And I understand that, but you need to be patient."
  1118. "And I don't know how to feel about how close I came to a sexual encounter with a horse."
  1119. >Both of them immediately turn to stare at you
  1120. >There are several moments of silence
  1121. >Maybe you should say something else to help smooth this over
  1122. "But hey, at least I'm not a furry, right?"
  1123. >More silence
  1124. "Filthy fucking furfags."
  1125. >Moondancer gives Victor a look and gestures to you
  1126. >He ignores it as he moves over to a filing cabinet and draws out a few folders
  1127. >"I've found a few ideal targets for us to move on. Low security, relatively capable ponies that can move around on their own- CHYORT!"
  1128. >He stubs his toe on a table leg and dropped the folders, you and Moondancer both move to help him gather them again
  1129. >Moondancer's magic beats both of you to it
  1130. >She brings the papers closer to her and seems to be trying to reorganize them
  1131. >She stops on one particular paper though and just reads it
  1132. >As she reads a look of horror takes shape on her face
  1133. >"What the hell is this?"
  1134. >Victor lets out a defeated sigh, clearly aware of what she's referring to
  1135. >"Some rumors I heard a few weeks ago. Nothing to concrete."
  1136. >"I'm not leaving until I know what this is about!"
  1137. >She gestures to the paper
  1138. >She has a habit of being vague when she's angry
  1139. >Victor just shakes his head
  1140. >"A friend of mine from my days as a... contractor-"
  1141. "You mean when you and Grandpa were in the mafia?"
  1142. >"Yes, he sent word of an illegal pony fighting ring that's been meeting up in the old manufacturing district."
  1143. >"How many ponies were there?"
  1144. >"He could only make a rough-"
  1145. >"HOW MANY!"
  1146. >Are there tears in her eyes?
  1147. >"From what he saw he estimated about 15 to 20 ponies were brought in each week."
  1148. >Moondancer looks baffled
  1149. >"15 to 20?! Why didn't you tell me about this?!"
  1150. "That's at least 60 hooves!"
  1151. >"Moondancer, you know that would be a logistical nightmare. We could get 2 or 3 of them out, at most. Then the ring would pack up and move after some of their fighters went missing."
  1152. "Wait, are you saying we SHOULDN'T go save the gladiator horses?"
  1153. >"I'm SAYING that we'd do more harm to them than good. How would we secretly transport 15 ponies? If we get caught, OPFAG is dead, you and I go to prison along with anyone else they catch and they'll just KILL Moondancer! We'll save more ponies in the long run if we keep doing what we can do secretly. Maybe if we can keep growing, we'll be able to take this on."
  1154. >Victor and Moondancer's argument fades into the background as you think about what to do with this.
  1155. >You're no mastermind but grandpa had taught you a few thing about a variety of subjects
  1156. >From what you could tell, Vic was right, there was no way they could get all of those ponies out of there in secret
  1157. >But it was clear that Moondancer wasn't going to just let this one go
  1158. >You try to think of what grandpa would do
  1159. >Your grandpa's words ring in your mind as if to answer you.
  1160. >'Figure it out yourself, dipshit I'm dead!'
  1161. >Suddenly you're struck with an idea
  1162. >Just before you could speak up your attention was suddenly grabbed by a shout from the other room
  1163. >"ANON IF YOU AREN'T INSIDE ME IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES I WILL BURN THIS BUILDING TO THE GROUND!"
  1164. >Oh
  1165. >That
  1166. "I guess I'm going to go fuck a horse now."
  1167.  
  1168. >You are Anon
  1169. >You are about to fuck a horse
  1170. >It's time for you to come to terms with this
  1171. >You'd heard of people fucking their slaves before
  1172. >Hell, 5chinks even had to make a containment board for these horse-fuckers
  1173. >You'd never gone there, why would you?
  1174. >You stand at the door
  1175. >Cheerilee is inside the room, waiting for you
  1176. >You have a problem
  1177. >Horses aren't your fetish
  1178. >But your friend is in there
  1179. >She needs that dick
  1180. >What kind of asshole would you be if you didn't give it to her?
  1181. >No, that won't happen
  1182. >She'll get the dick she so desperately needs
  1183. >Because she's your friend
  1184. >But you won't fuck her well if you aren't into it
  1185. >You need to MAKE horses your fetish
  1186. >You know what you need to do
  1187. >You must open your mind and soul to the fetishes
  1188. >This requires great concentration
  1189. >You need to test and make sure you're truly in the mindset needed
  1190. >The doorknob! Perhaps it can become your fetish?
  1191. >You stare at the doorknob
  1192. >Taking in every detail
  1193. >Dang this doorknob is fucking shiny
  1194. >It's so well formed too
  1195. >The keyhole right below it, just waiting to accept the key
  1196. >It's almost erotic just how high quality this doorknob is
  1197. >For some reason, it reminds you of a deer
  1198. >A sexy sexy deer
  1199. >It begs for your key
  1200. >You're erect
  1201. >You're ready
  1202. >You enter to find Cheerilee looking back at you, remorseful
  1203. >"I'm sorry I snapped at you, I just-"
  1204. >You shush her
  1205. "No apologies. Let us build my new fetish."
  1206.  
  1207. >You are Moondancer
  1208. >You have spent the last several minutes avoiding eye-contact with your friend, victor, while your owner fucks a runaway slave in the other room
  1209. >She's not very quiet about it
  1210. >"OH FUCK! YOU NEED DETENTION!"
  1211. >"Show the teacher what you've learned. Show me how bad you are!"
  1212. >As it turns out, Cheerilee has a teacher/student fetish
  1213. >You idly wonder if that counts as a kind of narcissism
  1214. >"YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A BAD... PONY!"
  1215. >Anon... well he's trying
  1216. >His "dirty talk" is not great
  1217. >He trips up on pronouns too much
  1218. >It interrupts the flow of his speech
  1219. >He would probably have more success if he just stuck with the ones he knew
  1220. >You've been analyzing their sexual tendencies
  1221. >Now you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that you've been actively analyzing this
  1222. >The climax approaches
  1223. >Cheerilee screams out a name
  1224. >"OH MAC! FUCK ME!"
  1225. >Activity ceases
  1226.  
  1227. >You are Anon
  1228. >You are currently balls deep in a horse
  1229. >It was feeling so good on muh dick gurl
  1230. >Then she shouted some name
  1231. >Now she's crying
  1232. >And you're STILL balls deep in this crying horse
  1233. >"I'm so sorry Mac. I'm sorry!"
  1234. >You decide to pull out
  1235. >Things are getting out of hand and you aren't sure you're okay with this
  1236. >She's still crying
  1237. >You're not sure how to respond to this
  1238. >You try patting her on the back
  1239. "There there?"
  1240. >She just cries more
  1241. >Well, you've done all you can
  1242. >Time to remove yourself from this situation
  1243.  
  1244. >We Moonie now
  1245. >Anon has just walked back into the kitchen to the sound of dull sobbing from the bedroom
  1246. >You're not a happy pony
  1247. >He's not a happy person from the looks of it
  1248. >Victor just seems uncomfortable
  1249. >Anon just sighs
  1250. >"I'm too sober."
  1251. >He gets up to leave
  1252. "What about..."
  1253. >"I'm sure she'll be fine."
  1254. >He doesn't sound too sure at all
  1255. >Victor jestures for you to follow him
  1256. >He'll be here for Cheerilee
  1257. >You follow Anon downstairs and out of the shop
  1258. >You don't have to walk far before he wordlessly enters a bar
  1259. >You struggle to climb onto the stool next to him
  1260. >Hooves don't work well on bar stools
  1261. >You almost fall off, but Anon just grabs you and hoists you up
  1262. >You mumble your thanks as he tosses his credit card onto the counter and looks the barkeep in the eyes
  1263. >"I'd like to forget what happened tonight. Is this within your skillset?"
  1264. >The bartender just nods and begins mixing something
  1265. >"You want anything?"
  1266. "Why not? I'll just have a couple."
  1267.  
  1268. >Several more than a couple later, you are Anon again.

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