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ASB! Or “There is a STAND on my soup!” (MLPxJOJO)

By StarAnon
Created: 2020-12-24 05:12:34
Expiry: Never
anontwilight sparklecomedycollabmlpxjojojojo's bizarre adventureziggy stardustasbfuckface mcgeegustav legrand

  1. Originally posted on November 21st, 2016 in the MLPxJojo thread as a collab with FuckFace Mcgee
  2.  
  3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ScC4JWoeLc
  4. Snap me down! It’s Fuckface Mcgee’s Anon & Ziggy Stardust in:
  5.  
  6. ASB! Or “There is a STAND on my soup!”
  7.  
  8. >You are…
  9. >Anon Yancy Mous.
  10. >But under the cover of the night you fight crime under the name of…
  11. >The Uber Nigga!
  12. >Just kidding.
  13. >You're no superhero.
  14. >You are way better than that.
  15. >You are a stand user!
  16. >Spider-man ain’t got nothin’ on you.
  17. >Except like, a bunch of movies, genius level intellect and the tightest butt…
  18. >Unf.
  19. >Some of the homo…
  20. >I mean.
  21. >Fuck it, you got no time to be thinking about men in spandex.
  22. >You are on a date!
  23. >Your bae, Twi Twi, wanted to try out this fancy ass restaurant that opened just a few weeks ago.
  24. >Apparently her friend Rarity wouldn’t shut up about how it was the new “in” place in town.
  25. >The French-Mex Buffet Jean-Pierre Sanchez.
  26. >What the fuck?
  27. >Who came up with this?
  28. >Whatever, play your cards right and you know what else will be “in” tonight.
  29.  
  30. >You don’t like to jump to conclusions, but Rarity knows shit about what is popular or not.
  31. >This place is emptier than Derpy’s head!
  32. >There’s just one waiter, and some other guy sitting in a corner.
  33. >Let’s hope the food is edible.
  34. >You and Twilight take a seat.
  35. >This place got some ambience at least.
  36. >Candle lights, smooth mariachi music playing in the background…
  37. >Yeah, bitches love this.
  38. >”Isn’t this place nice?” asks Twilight.
  39. “It ain’t all that bad.”
  40. >”We should thank Rarity for recommending this place.”
  41. >Sure, let’s do that. She surely won’t go on and on about how fancy and posh and FABULOUS her taste in restaurants is.
  42. >The again, you probably should thank her a little.
  43. >It’s thanks to her dad that you have such a flipping prosthetic arm.
  44. >>”Monsieur and madame, my name is Gustav and I will be your camarero tonight.”
  45. >Shit, make up your mind.
  46. >His accents are all over the place.
  47. >This is why the races shouldn’t be mixing.
  48. >Hold on, wasn’t your girlfriend an interdimensional horse woman?
  49. >Bah, don’t mind the small things.
  50. >the waiter gives you both a menu and remains waiting next to you.
  51. >Let’s see what we got here.
  52. >…
  53. >This must be some kind of joke.
  54. >Everything listed on the menu is some bizarre mixture of French cuisine with Mexican food.
  55. >”I want the Bastille Enchiladas.”
  56. >Twilight doesn’t question this at all?
  57. >Well, if she doesn’t mind then neither do you.
  58. “I want the Louvre Nachos.”
  59. >>”Oui monsieur, I’ll bring them rapidamente. Please, help yourselves to some breadsticks and water on the house.”
  60. >He leaves with a spring on his step.
  61. >What a fag.
  62.  
  63. >An indeterminate amount of time passes.
  64. >Wait, it’s only been ten minutes.
  65. >How come you didn’t notice?
  66. >”And then this one time, in Equestria, my brother was having a wedding and then…”
  67. >Oh, that’s why.
  68. >Something else gets your attention.
  69. >The other guy just got his meal served.
  70. >He ordered a lot!
  71. >There must be like five different things.
  72. >He grabs a taco… and he just looks at it.
  73. >What a weirdo.
  74. >>”Here’s your comida.”
  75. >You jump in your seat with the grace of a baby giraffe going down a slide.
  76. >And you totally didn’t scream like a little girl.
  77. >Fuck this waiter, appearing out of nowhere and shit.
  78. >He serves your nachos, Twilight’s enchiladas and a plate of spaghetti with meatballs.
  79. >”We didn’t order that.” Points out Twilight.
  80. >>”It’s on the house for making you wait so much for the meal señorita.”
  81. “It’s ok Twilight, I’ve never said no to free food.”
  82. >The waiter leaves and you start to dig into your nachos.
  83. >They are quite good!
  84. >They have an unhealthy amount of spice and chili, and you are sure your anus will be burning next time you drop a deuce, but it’s still worth it.
  85. >Twilight is also going down on those enchiladas.
  86. >Her face is covered in sauce.
  87. > What a cute Twiggy Piggy.
  88. >But… something feels strange.
  89. >You look over at the waiter.
  90. >He is looking intently at your table, rubbing his hands.
  91. >Is he also part jew?
  92. >Then you look back at the weirdo in the Hawaiian shirt.
  93. >He finally gave a bite to that taco.
  94. >But the filling is… moving?
  95. >It seems to be something black and slimy.
  96. >They are… no. It can’t be.
  97. >He is swallowing them.
  98. >That motherfucker is eating a snail’s taco!
  99. “Urp… be right back.”
  100. >You rush to the bathroom, holding your mouth close with your hands trying to not throw up everywhere.
  101.  
  102. >You are Ziggy Stardust.
  103. >And you just swallowed a bunch of snails.
  104. >You leave the “Escargot Taco” on the plate, next to the other one you haven’t tried yet and the “Moulin Rouge Burrito”.
  105. “This was a mistake.”
  106. >When Sonic recommended this place, you thought it would be nice to try out something different for once.
  107. >And you have tried grody things before, but this is a first.
  108. >You don’t know about French-mex cuisine, but you have the slight suspicion that this meal is quite raw.
  109. >You gulp down some of your water.
  110. >Perhaps Sonic meant this place was good as a joke?
  111. >…
  112. >Nah, he wouldn’t do that.
  113. >Right?
  114. >Either way, you can at least agree that the ambience is great.
  115. >And the waiter seemed like a nice man, all dressed up in a suit and with a big Mexican moustache.
  116. >You may not show it, but you are a sucker for romantic things.
  117. >You sat at a corner where the background music could be appreciated the most, your meal was illuminated by the candlelight’s, you even ordered the couple’s “Beaner Baguette”.
  118. >Which come to think of it you don’t know if it’s a racist name or if it is alright when they say it.
  119. >And still you can’t help but feel like something important is missing.
  120. >You look over at the young couple that was eating a few tables away from you.
  121. >The guy is gone, but his girlfriend is still eating.
  122. >Mmm.
  123. >You still don’t know what could be missing.
  124.  
  125. >This girl…
  126. >She eats like an animal!
  127. > Her face is covered in sauce.
  128. >And there are chunks of food flying everywhere.
  129. >Her boyfriend must like her a lot.
  130. >She is now eating from a plate of spaghetti.
  131. >And here you thought pasta was Italian.
  132. >Maybe you were wrong this whole time.
  133. >Although you don’t remember seeing pasta anywhere on the menu.
  134. >She eats a meatball and her whole body stiffens.
  135. >Did she finally have enough?
  136. >No.
  137. >Something is wrong.
  138. >She is flailing her arms desperately.
  139. >She is beginning to look purple-er.
  140. >…
  141. >Oh no.
  142. “Oh no! She is choking!”
  143. >You look around.
  144. >The waiter is nowhere in sight.
  145. >This is really bad!
  146. >You rush towards the girl.
  147. >You’ll have to help her yourself.
  148.  
  149. >You try to get a hold of her, but she tries to get away from you.
  150. “Calm down! I’m trying to help you!”
  151. >She looks at you with tears in her eyes.
  152. >She begins to claw at her neck.
  153. >And then you see it.
  154. >There is definitely something stuck in her throat.
  155. >But that lump, which must be an unchewed meatball, is growing by the second.
  156. “It’s ok. Don’t panic, I know what to do.”
  157. >You go behind her and put your arms around her midsection.
  158. >You begin to apply pressure to the bottom of her diaphragm with your hands.
  159. “Come on, try to cough! You can do it!”
  160. >You can tell she is trying her best, but she is beginning to turn blue.
  161. >The lump is moving out ever so slightly.
  162. >She will die if you don’t do something faster.
  163. >You keep applying pressure with your right hand, while you shove your left one in her mouth.
  164. >Maybe you can get it out with your fingers.
  165. >This isn’t enough though.
  166. >You should be slapping her back, but you don’t have enough hands.
  167. >So you hit her back with your body.
  168. >It should help a little.
  169. >The lump is getting out faster.
  170. >You put a yellow star in her uvula.
  171. >This should be it.
  172. >”What the fuck!?”
  173.  
  174. >You are Anon and you are fucking pissed.
  175. >This asshole rapist is humping your girl and shoving his fingers down her throat.
  176. >He is even making her cry.
  177. “Get your hands away from her!”
  178. >”I can’t! We are almost done!”
  179. >What a sick piece of shit.
  180. >Wait, you can see a faint glow in his left hand.
  181. >This guy is a stand user!
  182. “Damnit! Did Flash send you?”
  183. >”What?”
  184. “You won’t get away with this [FIRE IN THE CHURCH]!”
  185. >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1qalGBVEeE
  186. >You call out your stand.
  187. >But as much as you want to use [WIFIN’ YOU] on this motherfucker, you can’t risk getting Twilight hurt, or horny in this situation.
  188. >The rapist gives one more push and something comes out flying from Twilight’s mouth.
  189. >He lets her go.
  190. >This is your chance!
  191. “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
  192. >Your stand begins to pummel his body with a barrage of fists.
  193. >You know they won’t hurt him much, but that isn’t what you are after.
  194. >”[STARMAN]!”
  195. >His stand comes out and pushes [FITC] back to you.
  196. >”Look, I don’t know what you are thinking but…”
  197. >The thing that came out of Twilight’s mouth, who by the way is lying on the floor trying to regain her breath, bounced on a wall and then entered in his mouth.
  198. >Whatever it is, it's big enough that his whole mouth is covered.
  199. >His knees begin to shake, and his cheeks are puffing.
  200. >He must be feeling the effects of [WIFIN’ YOU]
  201. >The rapist spits out a big ball of meat, which hits Twilight in the back of her head, and now is vomiting next to your girlfriend.
  202. “You are done motherfucker!”
  203. >You send [FITC] after him.
  204. >But his skinny, and sexy, stand gets in the way.
  205. >[FITC] attacks him with a rush of punches.
  206. >They are too fast; he won’t be able to counter attack.
  207. >But fuck you sideways, you are wrong.
  208. >His stand (you think he said [STARMAN]) kicks [FITC] in the kneecap and both you and your stand lose balance and fall forward.
  209. >His stand takes this opportunity to grab [FITC] by the back of its head and slams its face (and yours) to the ground.
  210. >Shit, you feel like the ground just tried to rape your mouth through your teeth.
  211. >The rapist is getting a hold of himself.
  212. >[WIFIN’ YOU] must be wearing off.
  213. >This can’t end like this.
  214. >That fucker messed with you Twilight, and he also fucked with the wrong nigga.
  215. >You will show him [WHO I AM]
  216. >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLO8LknyZs8
  217. >You get a feel of his mind bubble, and begin to attack it.
  218. >It’s working! The fucker is grabbing his head in pain.
  219. >But his stand grip isn’t getting any weaker.
  220. >Fine, its mind rape time!
  221. >You attack his bubble harder.
  222. >He falls on top of a table.
  223. >Come on! Just die already!
  224. >There is something in his hand.
  225. >A fork?
  226. >What is he going to do? Fork you up?
  227. >He stabs his leg.
  228. >And with that his mind bubble gets harder.
  229. >No way.
  230. >He used pain as a way to get his mind together.
  231. >Just who the fuck is this guy?
  232.  
  233. >You are Ziggy and your head hurts.
  234. >So does your leg and your mouth, but those are on you.
  235. >Also you feel dizzy and disgusted.
  236. >That stand can really get in your head.
  237. >Literally.
  238. >But… you felt something when he attacked your mind.
  239. >Kind of like a distant dream.
  240. >Did he feel it too?
  241. >You have [STARMAN] release him.
  242. >He incorporates and grabs his bleeding face.
  243. >”You imbecile! You should have killed him!”
  244. >You look behind you.
  245. >The waiter came back and he looks furious.
  246. “You wanted him to kill me?”
  247. >”No! You were supposed to kill him!”
  248. “What? Why?”
  249. >”I panicked when Madame Sparkle ate the meatball my stand attacked, but then you appeared and happened to be a stand user, and then that cabrón Anon started to fight you. Everything would have been fine if you’d just killed him.”
  250. >>”You just go around attacking clients? That’s poor service quality.” The guy called Anon stands up and walks next to you.
  251. >”Of course not. Monsieur Flash paid me a lot to get him your head on a silver plate, and that’s what I’m going to do!”
  252. >The waiter rips off his thick moustache.
  253. >And reveals a thin large French moustache beneath it
  254. >Both Anon and you gasp at the revelation.
  255.  
  256. >”With both of you weakened, you’ll be no match for my stand [TOYS FOR BOYS]!”
  257. >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBWU9-aq2Ro
  258. >A robotic Eiffel Tower materializes behind him.
  259. >His stand grabs a knife and a fork and they both grow to become the size of a grown man.
  260. >Anon calls out his stand.
  261. “You know… I don’t really get what’s going on between you two, but from what I get you almost killed this girl, right?”
  262. >”That’s all you understood from my monologue?” says he waited angrily.
  263. “Well then…, “ you pose and point at him “let me tell you, you just lost this battle.”
  264. >”Qué?”
  265. >The waiter looks where you are pointing, and realizes he is stepping on a giant black star!
  266. >You stick a yellow star on Anon, his girlfriend and yourself.
  267. “Hold him there please.”
  268. >>”You got it!”
  269. >The waiter tries to get away from the black star, but Anon’s stand gets a hold of his mind keeping him in place.
  270. >You walk over Anon’s girlfriend and have [STARMAN] pick up the giant meatball from her head.
  271. >[STARMAN] throws it to the air, jumps, and spikes it with a mighty punch.
  272. >The meatball is bouncing all over the restaurant, breaking everything on its way.
  273. >”Mon dieu” says te waiter weakly before the meatball crashes with his face.
  274. >The meatball continues to bounce across the room, always away from you three and every time hitting the waiter all over his body.
  275. >After twenty times, the mass of meat crashes definitely on top of his body, leaving him with no teeth and most of his bones broken.
  276. >Anon and You pose and point at him.
  277. “Bon appetit.”
  278. >”Motherfucker!”
  279.  
  280. Dual Heat Attack!: “Bon Appetit Motherfucker!”
  281.  
  282. >You are Twilight Sparkle.
  283. >And this is by far the worst date you’ve ever had.
  284. >You almost choked to death and there is meat and grease all over your body.
  285. >You incorporate and look over to Anon and the other guy.
  286. >They are looking at each other menacingly face to face.
  287. >Are they going to fight?
  288. >Anon speaks first.
  289. >”SATIPO?”
  290. >The other man smirks.
  291. >>”KANYE?”
  292. >”Heh heh heh.”
  293. >>”Ha ha ha.”
  294. >And then they both engage in a weird handshake.
  295. >”Mah man!”
  296. >>”Mah boi!”
  297. >”Mah man”
  298. >>”Mah boi!”
  299. >They keep going at it.
  300. >You recognize friendship when you see it, but this is a brand new experience for you.
  301. >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfhqaxhqQvI
  302. “It’s the last time I ask Rarity for advice on where to eat.”

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