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ASB! Or “There is a STAND on my soup!” (MLPxJOJO)

By StarAnon
Created: 2020-12-24 05:12:34
Expiry: Never
anontwilight sparklecomedycollabmlpxjojojojo's bizarre adventureziggy stardustasbfuckface mcgeegustav legrand

  1. 1.
    Originally posted on November 21st, 2016 in the MLPxJojo thread as a collab with FuckFace Mcgee
  2. 2.
     
  3. 3.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ScC4JWoeLc
  4. 4.
    Snap me down! It’s Fuckface Mcgee’s Anon & Ziggy Stardust in:
  5. 5.
     
  6. 6.
    ASB! Or “There is a STAND on my soup!”
  7. 7.
     
  8. 8.
    >You are…
  9. 9.
    >Anon Yancy Mous.
  10. 10.
    >But under the cover of the night you fight crime under the name of…
  11. 11.
    >The Uber Nigga!
  12. 12.
    >Just kidding.
  13. 13.
    >You're no superhero.
  14. 14.
    >You are way better than that.
  15. 15.
    >You are a stand user!
  16. 16.
    >Spider-man ain’t got nothin’ on you.
  17. 17.
    >Except like, a bunch of movies, genius level intellect and the tightest butt…
  18. 18.
    >Unf.
  19. 19.
    >Some of the homo…
  20. 20.
    >I mean.
  21. 21.
    >Fuck it, you got no time to be thinking about men in spandex.
  22. 22.
    >You are on a date!
  23. 23.
    >Your bae, Twi Twi, wanted to try out this fancy ass restaurant that opened just a few weeks ago.
  24. 24.
    >Apparently her friend Rarity wouldn’t shut up about how it was the new “in” place in town.
  25. 25.
    >The French-Mex Buffet Jean-Pierre Sanchez.
  26. 26.
    >What the fuck?
  27. 27.
    >Who came up with this?
  28. 28.
    >Whatever, play your cards right and you know what else will be “in” tonight.
  29. 29.
     
  30. 30.
    >You don’t like to jump to conclusions, but Rarity knows shit about what is popular or not.
  31. 31.
    >This place is emptier than Derpy’s head!
  32. 32.
    >There’s just one waiter, and some other guy sitting in a corner.
  33. 33.
    >Let’s hope the food is edible.
  34. 34.
    >You and Twilight take a seat.
  35. 35.
    >This place got some ambience at least.
  36. 36.
    >Candle lights, smooth mariachi music playing in the background…
  37. 37.
    >Yeah, bitches love this.
  38. 38.
    >”Isn’t this place nice?” asks Twilight.
  39. 39.
    “It ain’t all that bad.”
  40. 40.
    >”We should thank Rarity for recommending this place.”
  41. 41.
    >Sure, let’s do that. She surely won’t go on and on about how fancy and posh and FABULOUS her taste in restaurants is.
  42. 42.
    >The again, you probably should thank her a little.
  43. 43.
    >It’s thanks to her dad that you have such a flipping prosthetic arm.
  44. 44.
    >>”Monsieur and madame, my name is Gustav and I will be your camarero tonight.”
  45. 45.
    >Shit, make up your mind.
  46. 46.
    >His accents are all over the place.
  47. 47.
    >This is why the races shouldn’t be mixing.
  48. 48.
    >Hold on, wasn’t your girlfriend an interdimensional horse woman?
  49. 49.
    >Bah, don’t mind the small things.
  50. 50.
    >the waiter gives you both a menu and remains waiting next to you.
  51. 51.
    >Let’s see what we got here.
  52. 52.
    >…
  53. 53.
    >This must be some kind of joke.
  54. 54.
    >Everything listed on the menu is some bizarre mixture of French cuisine with Mexican food.
  55. 55.
    >”I want the Bastille Enchiladas.”
  56. 56.
    >Twilight doesn’t question this at all?
  57. 57.
    >Well, if she doesn’t mind then neither do you.
  58. 58.
    “I want the Louvre Nachos.”
  59. 59.
    >>”Oui monsieur, I’ll bring them rapidamente. Please, help yourselves to some breadsticks and water on the house.”
  60. 60.
    >He leaves with a spring on his step.
  61. 61.
    >What a fag.
  62. 62.
     
  63. 63.
    >An indeterminate amount of time passes.
  64. 64.
    >Wait, it’s only been ten minutes.
  65. 65.
    >How come you didn’t notice?
  66. 66.
    >”And then this one time, in Equestria, my brother was having a wedding and then…”
  67. 67.
    >Oh, that’s why.
  68. 68.
    >Something else gets your attention.
  69. 69.
    >The other guy just got his meal served.
  70. 70.
    >He ordered a lot!
  71. 71.
    >There must be like five different things.
  72. 72.
    >He grabs a taco… and he just looks at it.
  73. 73.
    >What a weirdo.
  74. 74.
    >>”Here’s your comida.”
  75. 75.
    >You jump in your seat with the grace of a baby giraffe going down a slide.
  76. 76.
    >And you totally didn’t scream like a little girl.
  77. 77.
    >Fuck this waiter, appearing out of nowhere and shit.
  78. 78.
    >He serves your nachos, Twilight’s enchiladas and a plate of spaghetti with meatballs.
  79. 79.
    >”We didn’t order that.” Points out Twilight.
  80. 80.
    >>”It’s on the house for making you wait so much for the meal señorita.”
  81. 81.
    “It’s ok Twilight, I’ve never said no to free food.”
  82. 82.
    >The waiter leaves and you start to dig into your nachos.
  83. 83.
    >They are quite good!
  84. 84.
    >They have an unhealthy amount of spice and chili, and you are sure your anus will be burning next time you drop a deuce, but it’s still worth it.
  85. 85.
    >Twilight is also going down on those enchiladas.
  86. 86.
    >Her face is covered in sauce.
  87. 87.
    > What a cute Twiggy Piggy.
  88. 88.
    >But… something feels strange.
  89. 89.
    >You look over at the waiter.
  90. 90.
    >He is looking intently at your table, rubbing his hands.
  91. 91.
    >Is he also part jew?
  92. 92.
    >Then you look back at the weirdo in the Hawaiian shirt.
  93. 93.
    >He finally gave a bite to that taco.
  94. 94.
    >But the filling is… moving?
  95. 95.
    >It seems to be something black and slimy.
  96. 96.
    >They are… no. It can’t be.
  97. 97.
    >He is swallowing them.
  98. 98.
    >That motherfucker is eating a snail’s taco!
  99. 99.
    “Urp… be right back.”
  100. 100.
    >You rush to the bathroom, holding your mouth close with your hands trying to not throw up everywhere.
  101. 101.
     
  102. 102.
    >You are Ziggy Stardust.
  103. 103.
    >And you just swallowed a bunch of snails.
  104. 104.
    >You leave the “Escargot Taco” on the plate, next to the other one you haven’t tried yet and the “Moulin Rouge Burrito”.
  105. 105.
    “This was a mistake.”
  106. 106.
    >When Sonic recommended this place, you thought it would be nice to try out something different for once.
  107. 107.
    >And you have tried grody things before, but this is a first.
  108. 108.
    >You don’t know about French-mex cuisine, but you have the slight suspicion that this meal is quite raw.
  109. 109.
    >You gulp down some of your water.
  110. 110.
    >Perhaps Sonic meant this place was good as a joke?
  111. 111.
    >…
  112. 112.
    >Nah, he wouldn’t do that.
  113. 113.
    >Right?
  114. 114.
    >Either way, you can at least agree that the ambience is great.
  115. 115.
    >And the waiter seemed like a nice man, all dressed up in a suit and with a big Mexican moustache.
  116. 116.
    >You may not show it, but you are a sucker for romantic things.
  117. 117.
    >You sat at a corner where the background music could be appreciated the most, your meal was illuminated by the candlelight’s, you even ordered the couple’s “Beaner Baguette”.
  118. 118.
    >Which come to think of it you don’t know if it’s a racist name or if it is alright when they say it.
  119. 119.
    >And still you can’t help but feel like something important is missing.
  120. 120.
    >You look over at the young couple that was eating a few tables away from you.
  121. 121.
    >The guy is gone, but his girlfriend is still eating.
  122. 122.
    >Mmm.
  123. 123.
    >You still don’t know what could be missing.
  124. 124.
     
  125. 125.
    >This girl…
  126. 126.
    >She eats like an animal!
  127. 127.
    > Her face is covered in sauce.
  128. 128.
    >And there are chunks of food flying everywhere.
  129. 129.
    >Her boyfriend must like her a lot.
  130. 130.
    >She is now eating from a plate of spaghetti.
  131. 131.
    >And here you thought pasta was Italian.
  132. 132.
    >Maybe you were wrong this whole time.
  133. 133.
    >Although you don’t remember seeing pasta anywhere on the menu.
  134. 134.
    >She eats a meatball and her whole body stiffens.
  135. 135.
    >Did she finally have enough?
  136. 136.
    >No.
  137. 137.
    >Something is wrong.
  138. 138.
    >She is flailing her arms desperately.
  139. 139.
    >She is beginning to look purple-er.
  140. 140.
    >…
  141. 141.
    >Oh no.
  142. 142.
    “Oh no! She is choking!”
  143. 143.
    >You look around.
  144. 144.
    >The waiter is nowhere in sight.
  145. 145.
    >This is really bad!
  146. 146.
    >You rush towards the girl.
  147. 147.
    >You’ll have to help her yourself.
  148. 148.
     
  149. 149.
    >You try to get a hold of her, but she tries to get away from you.
  150. 150.
    “Calm down! I’m trying to help you!”
  151. 151.
    >She looks at you with tears in her eyes.
  152. 152.
    >She begins to claw at her neck.
  153. 153.
    >And then you see it.
  154. 154.
    >There is definitely something stuck in her throat.
  155. 155.
    >But that lump, which must be an unchewed meatball, is growing by the second.
  156. 156.
    “It’s ok. Don’t panic, I know what to do.”
  157. 157.
    >You go behind her and put your arms around her midsection.
  158. 158.
    >You begin to apply pressure to the bottom of her diaphragm with your hands.
  159. 159.
    “Come on, try to cough! You can do it!”
  160. 160.
    >You can tell she is trying her best, but she is beginning to turn blue.
  161. 161.
    >The lump is moving out ever so slightly.
  162. 162.
    >She will die if you don’t do something faster.
  163. 163.
    >You keep applying pressure with your right hand, while you shove your left one in her mouth.
  164. 164.
    >Maybe you can get it out with your fingers.
  165. 165.
    >This isn’t enough though.
  166. 166.
    >You should be slapping her back, but you don’t have enough hands.
  167. 167.
    >So you hit her back with your body.
  168. 168.
    >It should help a little.
  169. 169.
    >The lump is getting out faster.
  170. 170.
    >You put a yellow star in her uvula.
  171. 171.
    >This should be it.
  172. 172.
    >”What the fuck!?”
  173. 173.
     
  174. 174.
    >You are Anon and you are fucking pissed.
  175. 175.
    >This asshole rapist is humping your girl and shoving his fingers down her throat.
  176. 176.
    >He is even making her cry.
  177. 177.
    “Get your hands away from her!”
  178. 178.
    >”I can’t! We are almost done!”
  179. 179.
    >What a sick piece of shit.
  180. 180.
    >Wait, you can see a faint glow in his left hand.
  181. 181.
    >This guy is a stand user!
  182. 182.
    “Damnit! Did Flash send you?”
  183. 183.
    >”What?”
  184. 184.
    “You won’t get away with this [FIRE IN THE CHURCH]!”
  185. 185.
    >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1qalGBVEeE
  186. 186.
    >You call out your stand.
  187. 187.
    >But as much as you want to use [WIFIN’ YOU] on this motherfucker, you can’t risk getting Twilight hurt, or horny in this situation.
  188. 188.
    >The rapist gives one more push and something comes out flying from Twilight’s mouth.
  189. 189.
    >He lets her go.
  190. 190.
    >This is your chance!
  191. 191.
    “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
  192. 192.
    >Your stand begins to pummel his body with a barrage of fists.
  193. 193.
    >You know they won’t hurt him much, but that isn’t what you are after.
  194. 194.
    >”[STARMAN]!”
  195. 195.
    >His stand comes out and pushes [FITC] back to you.
  196. 196.
    >”Look, I don’t know what you are thinking but…”
  197. 197.
    >The thing that came out of Twilight’s mouth, who by the way is lying on the floor trying to regain her breath, bounced on a wall and then entered in his mouth.
  198. 198.
    >Whatever it is, it's big enough that his whole mouth is covered.
  199. 199.
    >His knees begin to shake, and his cheeks are puffing.
  200. 200.
    >He must be feeling the effects of [WIFIN’ YOU]
  201. 201.
    >The rapist spits out a big ball of meat, which hits Twilight in the back of her head, and now is vomiting next to your girlfriend.
  202. 202.
    “You are done motherfucker!”
  203. 203.
    >You send [FITC] after him.
  204. 204.
    >But his skinny, and sexy, stand gets in the way.
  205. 205.
    >[FITC] attacks him with a rush of punches.
  206. 206.
    >They are too fast; he won’t be able to counter attack.
  207. 207.
    >But fuck you sideways, you are wrong.
  208. 208.
    >His stand (you think he said [STARMAN]) kicks [FITC] in the kneecap and both you and your stand lose balance and fall forward.
  209. 209.
    >His stand takes this opportunity to grab [FITC] by the back of its head and slams its face (and yours) to the ground.
  210. 210.
    >Shit, you feel like the ground just tried to rape your mouth through your teeth.
  211. 211.
    >The rapist is getting a hold of himself.
  212. 212.
    >[WIFIN’ YOU] must be wearing off.
  213. 213.
    >This can’t end like this.
  214. 214.
    >That fucker messed with you Twilight, and he also fucked with the wrong nigga.
  215. 215.
    >You will show him [WHO I AM]
  216. 216.
    >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLO8LknyZs8
  217. 217.
    >You get a feel of his mind bubble, and begin to attack it.
  218. 218.
    >It’s working! The fucker is grabbing his head in pain.
  219. 219.
    >But his stand grip isn’t getting any weaker.
  220. 220.
    >Fine, its mind rape time!
  221. 221.
    >You attack his bubble harder.
  222. 222.
    >He falls on top of a table.
  223. 223.
    >Come on! Just die already!
  224. 224.
    >There is something in his hand.
  225. 225.
    >A fork?
  226. 226.
    >What is he going to do? Fork you up?
  227. 227.
    >He stabs his leg.
  228. 228.
    >And with that his mind bubble gets harder.
  229. 229.
    >No way.
  230. 230.
    >He used pain as a way to get his mind together.
  231. 231.
    >Just who the fuck is this guy?
  232. 232.
     
  233. 233.
    >You are Ziggy and your head hurts.
  234. 234.
    >So does your leg and your mouth, but those are on you.
  235. 235.
    >Also you feel dizzy and disgusted.
  236. 236.
    >That stand can really get in your head.
  237. 237.
    >Literally.
  238. 238.
    >But… you felt something when he attacked your mind.
  239. 239.
    >Kind of like a distant dream.
  240. 240.
    >Did he feel it too?
  241. 241.
    >You have [STARMAN] release him.
  242. 242.
    >He incorporates and grabs his bleeding face.
  243. 243.
    >”You imbecile! You should have killed him!”
  244. 244.
    >You look behind you.
  245. 245.
    >The waiter came back and he looks furious.
  246. 246.
    “You wanted him to kill me?”
  247. 247.
    >”No! You were supposed to kill him!”
  248. 248.
    “What? Why?”
  249. 249.
    >”I panicked when Madame Sparkle ate the meatball my stand attacked, but then you appeared and happened to be a stand user, and then that cabrón Anon started to fight you. Everything would have been fine if you’d just killed him.”
  250. 250.
    >>”You just go around attacking clients? That’s poor service quality.” The guy called Anon stands up and walks next to you.
  251. 251.
    >”Of course not. Monsieur Flash paid me a lot to get him your head on a silver plate, and that’s what I’m going to do!”
  252. 252.
    >The waiter rips off his thick moustache.
  253. 253.
    >And reveals a thin large French moustache beneath it
  254. 254.
    >Both Anon and you gasp at the revelation.
  255. 255.
     
  256. 256.
    >”With both of you weakened, you’ll be no match for my stand [TOYS FOR BOYS]!”
  257. 257.
    >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBWU9-aq2Ro
  258. 258.
    >A robotic Eiffel Tower materializes behind him.
  259. 259.
    >His stand grabs a knife and a fork and they both grow to become the size of a grown man.
  260. 260.
    >Anon calls out his stand.
  261. 261.
    “You know… I don’t really get what’s going on between you two, but from what I get you almost killed this girl, right?”
  262. 262.
    >”That’s all you understood from my monologue?” says he waited angrily.
  263. 263.
    “Well then…, “ you pose and point at him “let me tell you, you just lost this battle.”
  264. 264.
    >”Qué?”
  265. 265.
    >The waiter looks where you are pointing, and realizes he is stepping on a giant black star!
  266. 266.
    >You stick a yellow star on Anon, his girlfriend and yourself.
  267. 267.
    “Hold him there please.”
  268. 268.
    >>”You got it!”
  269. 269.
    >The waiter tries to get away from the black star, but Anon’s stand gets a hold of his mind keeping him in place.
  270. 270.
    >You walk over Anon’s girlfriend and have [STARMAN] pick up the giant meatball from her head.
  271. 271.
    >[STARMAN] throws it to the air, jumps, and spikes it with a mighty punch.
  272. 272.
    >The meatball is bouncing all over the restaurant, breaking everything on its way.
  273. 273.
    >”Mon dieu” says te waiter weakly before the meatball crashes with his face.
  274. 274.
    >The meatball continues to bounce across the room, always away from you three and every time hitting the waiter all over his body.
  275. 275.
    >After twenty times, the mass of meat crashes definitely on top of his body, leaving him with no teeth and most of his bones broken.
  276. 276.
    >Anon and You pose and point at him.
  277. 277.
    “Bon appetit.”
  278. 278.
    >”Motherfucker!”
  279. 279.
     
  280. 280.
    Dual Heat Attack!: “Bon Appetit Motherfucker!”
  281. 281.
     
  282. 282.
    >You are Twilight Sparkle.
  283. 283.
    >And this is by far the worst date you’ve ever had.
  284. 284.
    >You almost choked to death and there is meat and grease all over your body.
  285. 285.
    >You incorporate and look over to Anon and the other guy.
  286. 286.
    >They are looking at each other menacingly face to face.
  287. 287.
    >Are they going to fight?
  288. 288.
    >Anon speaks first.
  289. 289.
    >”SATIPO?”
  290. 290.
    >The other man smirks.
  291. 291.
    >>”KANYE?”
  292. 292.
    >”Heh heh heh.”
  293. 293.
    >>”Ha ha ha.”
  294. 294.
    >And then they both engage in a weird handshake.
  295. 295.
    >”Mah man!”
  296. 296.
    >>”Mah boi!”
  297. 297.
    >”Mah man”
  298. 298.
    >>”Mah boi!”
  299. 299.
    >They keep going at it.
  300. 300.
    >You recognize friendship when you see it, but this is a brand new experience for you.
  301. 301.
    >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfhqaxhqQvI
  302. 302.
    “It’s the last time I ask Rarity for advice on where to eat.”

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