Best Friends


                                            >"Thanks for the sketti Twi, it was *uurrp* great. Didn't realize ponies could make that stuff."

                                            >Heart pounding, you gaze longingly at the belching human you're walking with.

                                            >The cool evening air sends gusts through your hair, blowing strands of it astray as you ponder his words.

                                            >He liked the food! And you took him to the food! That means he likes you!

                                            >Anon finishes wiping his mouth and notices your stare, returning it quizzically.

                                            "ee!"

                                            >You let out a strangled squeak and immediately correct your vision to the gravel road between you, your treads crunching atop it in unison.

                                            "eeh I.. yes. I-it really is an interesting c-coincidence that they have spaghetti where you come from. Did you know spaghetti was invented in Sisfilly almost six hundred years ago when—"

                                            >"Hey. Professor. You're doing it again. I only agreed to this because you said you would drop the egghead act."

                                            >Sufficiently cowed, you cut your pasta history lesson short and decide to stare mute at your hooves.

                                            >It took enough stipulations and begging to get him to even consider going on a date with you.

                                            >It also took you a carefully worded invitation that neglected to include the word "date."

                                            >But he agreed! And now that you've eaten dinner he was going to take you to his house and invite you inside and oh it would be just like that romance novel you read and-

                                            >As your mind wanders to increasingly heated thoughts, you neglect to realize that you've arrived at Anon's abode.


                                            >"Well alright then. Thanks again for the sketti."

                                            >The romantic silence between the two of you is broken by Anon as he steps onto his porch and begins opening the door.

                                            >You gaze dreamily up at him, still caught firm in the grasp of your impassioned reverie.

                                            "Y-you too..."

                                            >Stepping across his mantle, Anon eyes you warily as he begins slowly closing the door.

                                            >"Yep. Good night."

                                            >Eagerly awaiting your lover to sweep you off your hooves, you hazily plop your plot onto his porch and watch the strip of light emanating from his door grow narrower.

                                            >wait

                                            "W-wait! Anon, we were s-supposed to..."

                                            >The door widens enough for Anon to stick his head through.

                                            >Giving your seated form an ocular patdown, his small frown gradually shifts into an unnerving smirk.

                                            >He advances towards your positoin until he's mere inches from where you sit quivering.

                                            >"Oh Twilight,"

                                            >Towering over you, he lowers a hand down to the top of your head, scratching it playfully.

                                            >You let out a series of highly unbecoming moans and squeals as he carelessly toys with your hair.

                                            >The feeling of his strong hands hitting the sweet spot behind your ears is almost enough to forget about the eerie, ominous grin plastered to his face.

                                            >Allowing you to push into his hand, he kneels down until he reaches eye level with you.

                                            >He slides his dexterous digits across your jaw until they cup your chin, lifting your eyes up to his.

                                            >Your hind leg thumps rapidly against his porch, a crimson blush spreading across your muzzle.

                                            >It's just like your novels!

                                            >"I wanted to thank you so much for being my"

                                            >Anon's sneer reaches the peak of its sadism, his eyes full of merriment.

                                            >Leaning in until he's only a hair's breadth from your muzzle, Anon utters his last two words in a whisper.

                                            >"best friend."

                                            >You freeze in place, your heart dropping like a stone into the depths of your stomach.

                                            >Anon lets out a sinister chuckle, giving your cheek a few firm taps as he stands to his full height.

                                            >"I mean, that's what you're all about right? Aren't you the Element of Friendship?"

                                            "bu..."

                                            >You can't even verbalize a response, your eyes still laser-focused on the spot in front of you.

                                            >This can't be happening. This doesn't happen in any of your books. This...

                                            >Not even giving you a second glance, he turns and retreats back through his doorway, his chuckle rising to laughter.

                                            >"Sleep tight... BEST FRIEND."

                                            >The slam from his door shakes the porch, his raucous laughter and shouts of "fuckin neeerd" distinctly audible from inside.

                                            >You slump down wretchedly onto his porch, frantically running the evening through your mind until the sun rises.


                                            >The tear-stained planks of Anon's front porch creak slightly as you take another shuddering breath.

                                            >The sun has long since risen and your eyes have, as you called it, "ceased draining of unnecessary liquid."

                                            >Last night's events still loop themselves feverishly through your pained mind, your cheeks burning hot with embarrassment as you recall Anon's snub.

                                            >Well...

                                            >Maybe it was a joke? Anon does like jokes.

                                            >Any second now Anon would open the door and apologize and pick you up and take you inside and hug you all over and-

                                            >As your mind races over impossible tangents already well considered the night prior, you fail to notice the clip-clop of hooves sounding from the path to Anon's house.

                                            >"uhm... Twilight?"

                                            >The gentle lilt of a familiar voice shakes your mind free of its hopeful fantasies.

                                            >You tear your bleary eyes from the front door and aim them over your shoulder, shifting slightly from your spread-eagle position.

                                            >It's... Fluttershy?

                                            >What was she doing here?

                                            >"Twilight? Are you okay?"

                                            "ooh.. h-hey Fluttershy..."

                                            >The yellow pony recoils slightly at your choked and hoarse voice, her gaze flicking between your reddened eyes, matted coat, and the soggy floorboard you lay on.

                                            >Taking a careful, measured approach, Fluttershy sidles up and wraps you in a shaky hug.

                                            >"What happened Twilight? Was it Rainbow Dash? She's been saying very mean and not-true things about how I- about how ponies smell lately. Every time I-"

                                            "n-noo..."

                                            >You feebly point an accusatory purple hoof at Anon's front door.

                                            "H.. h-he..."

                                            >You can't even choke out what you've been agonizing over for the past eight hours, the painful thoughts causing a fresh wave of tears to well up in the corners of your vision.

                                            >"-and I mean, how does -she- even know what dog semen smells like? I tried to tell her that but she jus— Oh! You're right! Let's get Anon, he's always happy to help."

                                            "noOOoooo..."

                                            >She casually strides up to his door, taking a practiced seat in the middle of its frame before giving a quick glance to the sun.

                                            >"...he really only answers if you catch him in the middle of his breakfast..." Fluttershy mutters, more to herself than anything.

                                            >Giving one last squint at the sun, she turns back to the door and raps her hooves lightly against it.

                                            >You hear a clatter and twang that sounds suspiciously like a bowl and spoon being flung, shortly accompanied by an aggrieved roar and stream of curses that reverberate from beyond the door.

                                            >Fluttershy smiles sweetly back at you, the stomp of Anon's footsteps growing louder at the same rate as your rising horror.

                                            >The door explodes open to reveal a raving, red-faced Anon wearing nothing but a pair of undies.

                                            >"-AAAMNIT YOU FUCKING HORSE IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS SINCE I'VE FINISHED A FULL BOWL WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW"

                                            >Fluttershy is completely unperturbed by his bellows, instead greedily drinking in his near-naked form with half-lidded eyes.

                                            >"Uuhh g-good morning... we uuh..."

                                            >Crossing his arms, Anon shifts his gaze from Fluttershy's salacious leer to where you lie sprawled.

                                            >"Oh. Hi Twilight."

                                            >Anon's enraged demeanor breaks into a evil, toothy smile that you can't meet.

                                            >You turn your head back to the planks beneath you, your vision swimming wetly.

                                            >Turning back to the yellow pervert, he kicks free one of her hooves that had begun snaking its way down to her nethers.

                                            >"Cut the crap Fluttershy, I wear this every breakfast. It's my cereal suit. heheh."

                                            >Chuckling at his own decidedly-not-a-joke, he eyes the pair of you expectantly.

                                            >"Well? You guys are burning breakfast minutes."

                                            >Fluttershy, speaking as if in a trance, motions to you with a hoof without taking her eyes off of Anon's figure.

                                            >"G-go on Twilight, t-tell him what h-happened. H-he's really g-good at... fixing stuff..."

                                            >"Yeah Twi? What's up?"

                                            >Anon's smile near doubles in size as he awaits your response.

                                            >Trembling, you keep your eyes firmly planted on the stoop as you mutter out what's been paining you.

                                            "we... we went to dinner and then he... c-called me his b-best friend..."

                                            >"He called you his WHAT!"

                                            >Fluttershy, freed from her stupor, hurriedly double-takes between you and Anon.

                                            >"A-anon that c-can't... y-you c-couldn't..."

                                            >Anon lets out a short bark of a laugh, his grin threatening to grow larger than his face.

                                            >"Yep, she convinced me! After that perfect evening, I decided it was time to take it to the next step. Isn't that right, best friend?"

                                            >You mutter something incomprehensible as large, hot tears trail off your muzzle and pitter to the ground.

                                            >Fluttershy can barely sputter out her words as she tearily trots over to Anon's leg, attempting to clutch onto it.

                                            >"bu-bu-but A-aanon... I t-thought I was your b-b-best f-friend..."

                                            >"Nope! Twilight took it! Tough stuff Butterbutt."

                                            >He shakes his leg free of its yellow grasp and happily gazes upon the havoc he's sown.

                                            >Fluttershy lands on her considerable backside, the sides of her muzzle now soaked.

                                            >"d-dinner too?... b-but I ask y-you e-every daaay..."

                                            >"Yeah, well, try harder next time I guess. Anyways, me and Twilight are going to have to start our required-daily best-friend makeout session. See ya!"

                                            >Your ears instantly perk back up to their full height, your eyes widening in their sockets.

                                            >Fluttershy's eyes mimic yours, her pupils mere specks.

                                            >"b-best friend... m-makeout session..."

                                            >"Oh, you didn't know? Yeah, back on Earth, all best friends are required to have hot, sloppy makeout sessions once a day. I kept wondering why you never acted on that. Since you were my best friend and all, before Twilight."

                                            >Fluttershy lets out a long, pained squeak that sounds identical to air slowly leaking from a balloon.

                                            >Your heartrate quickens, color creeping into your shocked face as it drains from Fluttershy's.

                                            >Taking a casual step forward, Anon snatches you up and tucks you underneath one of his capable arms.

                                            >You let out an "eep!" as his warm limbs envelop you, your tail flicking in surprise.

                                            >Pressed tightly against his strong torso, you feel his human muscles ripple against your cushy flank.

                                            >Sweet Celestia, he's SO BIG.

                                            >His heady scent rushes across your snout and you feel a moisture begin growing between your hind legs.

                                            >Is... this real? Were you dreaming?

                                            >Anon pays no attention to you, holding you like a sack of flour as he gives his parting jeer to Fluttershy.

                                            >"Don't come knocking Shy, we're going to be too busy."

                                            >And with that, he turns on his heel, strides confidently across his threshold, and slams the door behind him.

                                            >You're still frozen in complete shock at this complete 180 of events.

                                            >Anon begins making his way through the house, chuckling quietly.

                                            >Your heart begins lifting from where it had dropped last night.

                                            >Maybe a human best friend means more than...

                                            >Of course it did! How could you be so stupid!

                                            >All that crying and you didn't even consider that his alien social traditions could have differed from yours.

                                            >Bravely, you look up towards the human carrying you.

                                            "A-anon I just want to tell you before we start, I've n-never—"

                                            >Having reached his destination, Anon cuts you off and switches you to his other arm.

                                            >"Yep, could have guessed."

                                            >Anon murmurs to himself while he situates you against the other half of his torso, the exchange involving a good deal of grabbing and rubbing much to your delight.

                                            >"That little maneuver should buy me at least a week I think."

                                            >Using his newly freed arm, Anon unlatches his back door and throws it open to the yard beyond.

                                            >Wait. Back door?

                                            "W-where are we going? Weren't we going to do the best friend make out?"

                                            >"Yeah I made all that up. Adios Sparklepants."

                                            >Your world quickly turns upside down in more ways than one as Anon hurls you into his backyard, the door closing behind you with his signature slam.

                                            >You arrive in the yard with a thump, the verdant grass cushioning your fall.

                                            >Staring straight up into the sky, a heaving sob wracks your diminutive pony body for what was not the first and would not be the last time today.

                                            >Unmoving save for your weeping, your mind spares you no reprieve in replaying the last twelve hour's events again. And again.