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RGRE Promptbin 016

By Uh-hmmm
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2022-03-06 23:49:04
Expiry: Never
/rgre/promptbin

  1. >Dragon takes a few humans for their hoard.
  2. >Humans say 'fuck it' and start building simple houses for themselves.
  3. >Dragon somehow keeps finding more humans.
  4. >Eventually have a small village of folk living under the protection of a Dragon
  5.  
  6.  
  7. >They begin to worship the dragon, not just because she protects and provides for them, but also because they're all dudes and she's the only female on the mountain.
  8. >The dragoness goes from having a hoard of exotic creatures to having a harem of exotic males.
  9. >Silverstream and Yona snort with barely repressed laughter as they read Smolder's journal.
  10. >Or more accurately, her self-insert fantasy.
  11. >If Anon, the only human student in the school read this, what would he think?
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  26. >Be Gallus
  27. >Stumble upon Smolder journal
  28. >Shit is full of self-insert stories
  29. >Most of them involving humans
  30. >Decides to show it to Anon
  31. >Not just for the lulz
  32. >But as a payback for those gay drawings of you she made
  33. >You watch anons face while reads that degenerate stories
  34. >Yfw you don’t see disgust or laughter, but interest
  35. >Yfw he hands you a book and ask to give it to smolder
  36. >Yfw when is full of degenerate and absurd fanfics
  37. >You do as he asked out of curiosity, he must have a plan to troll her hard
  38. >But no
  39. >They just start to exchange fanfics, commenting and suggesting improvements to each other work
  40. >It creates a feedback loop, making their stories even more degenerate and crazy
  41. >Yay friendship?
  42. >Tfw when they make up a pseudo pup magazine and start to publish their stories
  43. >Tfw they create a ring of students writing that shit and make drawings
  44. >Tfw there’s a 50 chapter and ongoing storie of you infiltrating evil hermaphroditic unicorn dragoness harem of exotic males
  45. >By Twilight, what have you unleash in the world ?
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  51. >Anon joins the royal guard
  52. >It's typically reserved for mares, but there's a division specifically for stallions
  53. >It's small, and it doesn't really see a lot of action, but the Captain of the Guard tries to take pride in being the head of the group
  54. >Anon does his best to do his job, but the other members of the guard don't make it easy
  55. >They worry about their manes, and they flirt with the regular guard (on occasions where the regular all-mare guard isn't flirting with them), and Anon accidentally makes one of them cry when he says that he should quit the guard if he doesn't think he can keep up
  56. >Half the time Anon catches up with the other guards, they're gossiping about who's dating whom
  57. >"Ugh. This is why nobody in Canterlot relies on stallions for anything."
  58.  
  59.  
  60. >Anonstallion stands guard while Celestia holds court. When the the noble ponies natter on and Celestia needs to maintain a look of interest and concentration, instead of letting herself fall asleep or get distracted, Anon feels magic gently lift and fondle his balls and it takes all of his concentration to keep from dropping his cock out of its sheath
  61.  
  62. >Anonstallion is a unicorn and plays dirty. When he feels the ever familiar lift, Celestia feels the oh-so sudden rub "down below".
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  69. >A dragon rules over a secluded pony village far away from the Princesses' influence and serves as its protector.
  70. >In exchange, it asks for one pony sacrifice every year.
  71. >The villagers assume it wants them for food, and offer their most useless ponies as a delicacy.
  72. >No reason to send real talent when they're just going to be a snack, after all.
  73. >The truth is the dragon is just lonely, but socially awkward, and wants friends that they don't have to worry about running away.
  74. >The dragon has two hobbies.
  75. >The first is home improvement, and it's always expanding its lair and adding new features.
  76. >The other is O&O, which they and their hoard of NEETs have been playing for years.
  77. >The dragon DM-ing a campaign that's been going on since they started.
  78. >One of the NEETs has actually been writing their game into a story, which will later become a best seller fantasy series
  79.  
  80. >A campaign that multiple generations of players have been adding to.
  81. >Delve into a dungeon crypt and fight a lich.
  82. >It was actually an old keep built by players hundreds of years before their time, and the lich is one of the former players characters that was raised by the current big bad of the campaign.
  83. The players break the big bad's control and the dragon reveals the unicorn did that IRL just so they could keep playing and joins the party
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  91. >Anon being an amateur wrestler back in high school goes professional once he gets to Equestria.
  92. >Just like earth, pro wrestling is all staged with the fixings of the usual drama.
  93. >Good thing too, because he's very rusty and he was never that great to begin.
  94. >Since the sport lacks much needed eye candy, they hire him on the spot.
  95. >To their surprise he's got a knack for being flashy, willing to learn, and by god are humans flexible.
  96. >A mare could bend him like a pretzel in ring and he walks it off like he's nothing.
  97. >He quickly adopts a badboy persona, a heart breaker that will mentally and physically break you as well.
  98. >Mares come to boo him, jill off to him, and watch strong capable mares try to humble, maybe even tame him.
  99. >Anon has nearly killed some of his peers, and some of his audience, with his finishing move, pic related
  100. >AggressivelyHumpingTheirFace.mp4
  101.  
  102. >One time at a particularly gruesome fight with the reigning mare champion, Anon pulled out his secret trump card.
  103. >The ol' Rear-ender render.
  104. >It was so devastating that there were some casualties in the audience, damn near took out the ref's eye with it too.
  105. >He promised to not use it again under any circumstance.
  106. >Unfortunately mares have been extra frisky in ring trying every trick in the book to get him to do it again.
  107. >Because it was fucking HOT
  108.  
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  112.  
  113. "And that's when my tuft will get HUGE and my wings will finally be wider than Flurry's, and I solve all the unrequited love problems in Equestria!"
  114. >Shining sighs
  115. >"That's some nice fanfiction, dear. I'll prepare the beanbag by the voyeurscope, like we did last year."
  116. >You try to frown, but Shining knows you too well
  117. "And I'll get two feedbags of those stale heart-shaped candies!"
  118. >Shining kisses you on the cheek
  119. >"That's my mare."
  120. >As you make a withdrawal from the strategic candy reserves, you muse about how lucky you are
  121. >You've always been rather colty for a mare, even before becoming the embodiment of the magic of love
  122. >And yet, here you are with a loving janefilly husband who has given you a beautiful daughter
  123. >All those mares who whispered behind your back about being a foalsitter can suck your clit, you hit the jackpot with that gig
  124. >You pull a pot of tea out of stasis and two cups and return to the living room
  125. >Shining perks up at the smell
  126. >"Is that Anon's tea?"
  127. >You smile at him
  128. "I had him make it yesterday and put it into stasis. Happy Hearts and Hooves day, babe."
  129. >He accepts his cup with grin and a peck on your cheek
  130. >"You too. Now get over here and let's see the fruits of your labor."
  131. >You belly flop onto the beanbag and loop the feedbag strap behind your head
  132. >Shining leans against your side as he puts his own on
  133. >You send a spark of magic to the voyeurscope, the crystal ball shimmering to show the first of many couples awkwardly meeting for their date
  134. >Technically, the voyeurscope is an illegal artifact, grandmothered in due to its use as a historical tool of government security
  135. >But that doesn't matter, you have been preparing for this day for months
  136. >Countless letters of introduction sent (1337 according to Twilight), each with a list of suggested topics, activities, and gifts
  137. >Notices sent to the various restaurants and gift shops about what to stock up on and expect
  138. >Contracting with a sympathetic Great One to provide portals between distant lovers
  139. >All for this one day of celebration and romance
  140. >You flick from couple to couple to herd, smiling in satisfaction as their relationships deepen before you
  141. >Hours pass, consumed in stale candy, delicious tea, cuddling, and observing your matchmaking results
  142. >You can't help but notice how Shining has been nuzzling your neck, nosing closer and closer to your tuft
  143. >You flick the scope to one last couple
  144. >Anon, your ever vigilant, ever diligent foalsitter, keeping an eye on Flurry while scratching and petting Raven Inkwell
  145. >The poor, overworked mare practically melts on his lap, a blissful expression on her face
  146. >Perfect
  147. >You deactivate the scope and roll Shining onto his back
  148. >He stares up at you with a cute blush on his face
  149. >You climb on top of him, shoving his snout into your tuft and straddling his hips
  150. "You've been so patient with me, my love. It's time for your reward."
  151. >He makes a muffled whimper, and you can feel his need, hot and rising between your legs
  152. >You may be one of the luckiest mares in Equestria, time to prove it
  153.  
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  158.  
  159. >Though the exact conversion rate differs from pony to pony and even creature to creature, at least part of all caloric intake goes into fueling mana generation.
  160. >Magically powerful individuals like Pinkie, Twilight, and even Rainbow Dash have to eat a lot of food to keep their magical reserves high.
  161. >Twiggy Piggy earned her nickname for having to eat thrice as much as her classmates to keep her magic up when they were foals, and that still holds true today.
  162. >In fact, ponies in general eat quite a lot for their size.
  163. >Big heaping plates of pancakes with berries and whip cream piled high is a commonly seen and healthy breakfast for most ponies.
  164. >Even other, less magically gifted species like griffons or diamond dogs still eat quite a lot.
  165. >So humans, with no magic to speak of, stand out for their comparatively small appetites.
  166. >Anon, the newest resident of Ponyville, stands out in this regard.
  167. >Ponies will see him eat a mere three or four pancakes and wash it down with a cup of black coffee and say he's full, and simply not believe it.
  168. >As a matter of fact, there's worrying rumors going around that Anon might even have an eating disorder.
  169. >He's so tall and skinny that it can't be a healthy weight, and ponies worry that he's anorexic.
  170. >Mares make subtle comments about how stallions with meat on their bones are sexy, and that not every stallion needs to be a super model.
  171. >Stallions invite him to sleepovers and offer plenty of tasty snacks, making sure he sees that they're eating too and that it's okay to join in.
  172. >Anon really a healthy weight, but if ponies keep trying to shovel food down his throat, he won't be for much longer
  173.  
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  177.  
  178. >Once ponies found out humans were usually monogamous by choice if not by nature, you kind of became a hot item
  179. >Friendship is magic here and all that, but the idea of not sharing a stallion looked good to a lot of mares
  180. >There had been a lot of them hitting on you, doing weird horse displays, one upping each other
  181. >Once or twice, mares would break out into fights
  182. >It was flattering, really it was, but you didn't have any interest
  183. >Them being small horses and all
  184. >The boasting and bragging was also one hell of a turn off, hooves or not
  185. >You thought you had it all figured out
  186. >What you weren't expecting was some of these little horses being clever
  187. >Fluttershy, animal enthusiast and town coward, came to you one day
  188. >She told you she had an embarrassing problem
  189. >A problem that she couldn't take to anypony but you
  190. >She didn't even want her friends to know
  191. >She had no idea what to do around a stallion; how to act, talk, ANYTHING
  192. >She needed help, and practice
  193. >Sure, you weren't really a stallion, but you were close enough, and she didn't trust anypony else with the information, since she really didn't want teased or made fun of
  194. >How could you say not, especially when she looked up at you with her big, blue eyes
  195. >You agreed to help, since Fluttershy was so happy that she did a flip in the air
  196. >So, she took you around
  197. >You walked together, talked, had a few "mock" dates
  198. >You went out to eat a few times, then up to Canterlot to see a movie
  199. >It was kind of fun, and got you out of the house
  200. >You had no idea just how devious and Machiavellian the little pegasus was
  201. >After one "date", she invited you back to her cottage
  202. >There was some cute little kittens that she wanted you to see
  203. >When you lost track of time playing with the adorable little furballs, she insisted that you stay until morning
  204. >It was too dangerous after dark, she said
  205. >Creatures liked to come from the Everfree and roam around, especially with how close to was to that spooky forest
  206. >So you agreed
  207. >You didn't think much of it, even as you slowly began to spend the night more and more
  208. >Then it started getting cold
  209. >The next time you came over, Fluttershy shyly suggested that you sleep together
  210. >She had forgotten to get extra firewood, and Mr. Bear had torn up some of her blankets, and she hadn't gotten around getting them fixed
  211. >She was a pegasus, meaning she's be extra warm, and with a blanket over the two of you you'd be comfortable
  212. >This was when warning signs would have starting popping up
  213. >But, again, you didn't think anything of us, just assuming that the mare was just being thoughtful
  214. >Then Fluttershy began suggesting that you practice kissing
  215. >"Just in case I have a date soon. I wouldn't want to look silly."
  216. >And then she somehow figured out you liked long socks
  217. >And large, round rumps
  218. >That was many years ago
  219. >You had three foals
  220. >Fluttershy was the envy of the town, and walked around like her teats were big enough to drag on the ground
  221.  
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  226.  
  227. >glimglam loved stories growing up
  228. >autistically so
  229. >learned story structure and narrative
  230. >realized that this shit goes on IRL
  231. >wonders why
  232. >realizes there's an extremely subtle magical signature around every creature, herself included
  233. >focuses her magic studies on this
  234. >realizes that it's Fate's puppet strings
  235. >existentialcrisis.gif
  236. >either not believed when she goes to canterlot or told not to meddle with fate
  237. >resolves to free ponies from Fate so they are free to choose their own destiny
  238. >attempts to sever her own strings, thinks she got them
  239. >Our Town was the (admittedly immoral) first attempt at it
  240. >once she gets over her revenge obsession she realizes that she never cut her strings and played the part of a villian of Twilight's story
  241. >existentialcrisis2.boogaloo
  242. >takes some time away to reflect
  243. >meets anon
  244. >realizes she can't detect any of Fate's strings around anon
  245. >afraid to believe but the idea of somecreature truly free of Fate's machinations draws her like a starving mare to food
  246. >something something teach me master
  247. >something something wonders if that trait can be passed on to her foals
  248. >something something RGRE
  249.  
  250.  
  251. I like to think that Anon just gets these bouts of random dread deep in his gut whenever he's close to fate's attempted path for him. Could be as simple as fate REALLY wants Anon to go buy a watermelon from the market because then he'll make friends with a mare he'll meet there, and Anon will NOPE the fuck out and stay home that day. But with Anon's luck, he gets most of them in already spooky situations.
  252.  
  253. >Be Anon
  254. >Be about to take the trash out
  255. >You glance out your window - inky blackness
  256. >You were lazy and didn't take the trash out, but tomorrow is garbage day
  257. >You casually open the door and walk outside
  258. "Sure is dark."
  259. >But you live in a safe part of town, so you aren't... that, uh...
  260. >You aren't... worried...?
  261. >As you approach one of your bushes, dread suddenly begins to pool in your belly
  262. >You're suddenly aware that there are NO sounds around you - not even crickets
  263. >Fuck, it's NEVER GOOD when nature shuts its fucking whore mouth.
  264. >The hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and some deep, privative part of your brain is SCREAMING at you that something is wrong.
  265. >You are in DANGER.
  266. >This is every horror game you've ever played.
  267. >This is every internet jumpscare from back when you were stupid enough to click on screamer websites.
  268. >This is bad.
  269. "Fuck this."
  270. >You'll put up with an extra week of garbage sitting around.
  271. >Without missing a beat, and trying to remain quiet, you start walking backwards towards your front door.
  272. >On the way there, your arm brushes up against your mailbox and you scream like a bitch.
  273. ---
  274. >Be Fate
  275. >You really want that fucking monkey to take his trash out
  276. >Because when he brings it to the curb, you can nudge things juuuust enough that the garbage mare will trip over it
  277. >Then she'll be in a bad mood and go to a bar after work for a drink, and then she'll meet an old friend
  278. >But THIS FUCKING MONKEY just turned around and went back inside.
  279. >Son of a BITCH
  280.  
  281.  
  282. "You ever feel like something is... wrong, I guess?"
  283. >Glimmer continues to read her book.
  284. "Like, I'll suddenly get a craving for some sort of food that I haven't had in a long time, and I'll want to go to the market. But going out the door is such an odd feeling, like I keep expecting something bad to happen. So, I turn around and stay inside."
  285. >An ear twitches, and she turns a page.
  286. "And then later, I find out that there was some sort of altercation in the marketplace. Y'know, back home, I'm sure I'd be able to find some internet group who'd tell me I have 'ESP' or whatever it's called. I keep getting bad feelings when something weird happens."
  287. >SLAM
  288. >You look over and Glimmer is staring at you, eyes wide
  289. >Her book is on the floor.
  290. >"...say that again?"
  291. "...I keep getting bad feelings when something weird happens?"
  292. >"And... and you just decide not to do those weird things?"
  293. "I mean, yeah. I'll get the urge to do something weird, but something in my gut tells me it's a bad idea. So, I don't."
  294. >Glimmer begins to hyperventilate.
  295. >"Oh my Celestia. Oh my Celestia. Oh my Celestia."
  296. >Her pupils shrink to pinpricks, and you can see frothy sweat breaking out on her forehead.
  297. >You slowly reach out a hand to give her ear-scratches
  298. >Bitches LOVE ear-scratches
  299. "Glimmer? Glim-Glam? Are you oka-"
  300. >Without warning, Glimmer lurches towards you and wraps her entire body around your arm, nearly pulling you onto her.
  301. >"A-Are you looking f-for a roommate, Anon? Huh? I bet I'd be the best roommate ever."
  302. >Her smile is painfully wide.
  303. >"I promise to not try and seize the means of production, I swear! Nopony will be more equal than anypony else!"
  304. >You are Anon, and you think you just got yourself into some deep shit.
  305.  
  306. >Anon's Fate Avoidance is so strong that he does Actual Accidental Encounters instead of just Fated Encounters.
  307. >Like being friends with Glimmer
  308.  
  309. >Be Fate.
  310. >This is bad.
  311. >Very very VERY bad.
  312. >Glimmer is NOT supposed to befriend Anon like this!
  313. >That monkey has been making things so difficult for the last few months, and is now just refusing to listen to you all together!
  314. >You've tried it all: whispers in his sleep, cosmic messages, literally spelling it out in his alphabet soup- NOTHING IS WORKING!
  315. >-And now Starlight Glimmer, the one who was supposed to go to Twilight Sparkle's home to instigate what would eventually be a friendship lesson, has now begun to develop an unhealthy interest in Anonymous!
  316. >What are you supposed to do now?!?
  317. >If your boss finds out then you're going to be in BIG trouble!
  318. "Buck, this is getting ridiculous!"
  319. >The human spins on his heels and looks around in a panic.
  320. >"Did you hear that?"
  321. >Can they hear you?
  322. "Can they hear me?"
  323. >"There it is again!"
  324. >Oh, buck. . .
  325.  
  326. >Fate's boss is, of course, Harmony.
  327. >Some folks believe they are the same person but it's more like they are related, like Sisters or what have you. Whatever the Celestial Being version of it is.
  328. >Fate got the job because Harmony trusted them and they actually had been doing a pretty damn good job of it.
  329. >...until Anon came along.
  330. >Fate worries of being fired but Harmony already knows of the monkey man.
  331. >...namely because Harmony can't fucking touch him and he's like a little ball of Controlled Chaos.
  332. >She doesn't mention it to Fate because Harmony feels it's embarrassing.
  333. >Same goes for Fate when they end up running into the bastard.
  334. >Cue the shenanigans
  335.  
  336.  
  337.  
  338. >Fate-pone knows there is going to be a monster attack in ponyville and that its going to crash through Anons house despite her best efforts.
  339. >Tries everything to get him out for the day from ponies inviting him places, surprise contest winning he never even entered even Princess Celestia inviting him for tea, all of which ignored or declined.
  340. >Until finally as she watches helplessly as the bug bear is about to crash through his wall she just yells at him directly to "DUCK!".
  341. >And for once he actually listens and dives under his table just in time.
  342. >Both stare in shock for a moment before Anon scrambles to his feet and starts running, Fate-pone snapping off one word directions for him to Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge that'll lead him to safety.
  343. >Anon is feeling extremely lucky for managing to avoid the monster while Fate-pone thinks she's finally figured out how to work with the distrustful monkey.
  344. >Dont give him a chance to second-guess her suggestions, harder to deal with than regular ponies but not impossible
  345.  
  346.  
  347.  
  348.  
  349. >At the dawn of civilization, a unicorn mare named Looming Closer had a bit more foresight than most ponies
  350. >She'd hear villagers gossip as she wove threads into cloth, and occasionally step out to give some advice to those that need it
  351. >Being a somewhat colty mare, she started increasing the range of her hearing with magic, to catch more of the gossip, and maybe hear some naughty activities going on
  352. >But as she learned more and more about the ponies in the village, the more she wanted to fix their problems
  353. >Two friends who aren't sure their love is required
  354. >A mare framed for eating the last slice of cake
  355. >A foal, lost in the market, crying for his father
  356. >And so Looming developed another spell, to let her whisper to distant ponies
  357. >Over time, the village grew into a town, then a city as Looming' meddling smoothed the lives of its inhabitants, saving them time and bringing justice
  358. >The mare herself grew in magical power due to the constant exercise of her abilities, broadening her range and letting her see and hear a great deal
  359. >Then Discord happened
  360. >Looming nearly went insane from seeing and hearing all the torment the city was going through
  361. >She used her magic to fuel her body for weeks without sleep, monitoring everything in her range for the slightest twitch that would signal some new chaos, the mere second of warning it gave saving many, but too few lives
  362. >When at last Discord was imprisoned, she relaxed
  363. >Only to find the strain had consumed her body, she was little more than ordered magic, floating above a warped and dusty loom
  364. >The next few decades were a time of discovery for her, learning the limits and capabilities of her new form
  365. >Looming could monitor acres and acres of area, but it was nearly impossible to whisper discernably at the same time
  366. >She got subtle, threading concepts into the weaves of other ponies' minds
  367. >She also grew fascinated with a certain unicorn stallion
  368. >Starswirl opened her eyes to maledom and wizard robes
  369. >He also gave her insight into the nature of time, letting her look into the near future
  370. >She began to influence what she saw as pivotal beings
  371. >There were more than a few blunders, in retrospect she shouldn't have influenced that art critic to dismiss Sombra's painting
  372. >But she played a large role in stabilizing Celestia and Luna's rule, exposing corrupt and selfish nobles, nudging more diligent and moral ponies to step into leadership positions
  373. >The Pax Celestia took maintenance, but Looming was able to thwart almost every plot against the royal sisters
  374. >When Nightmare Moon was banished, she began her work to cultivate the elements of harmony in the population, nudging and arranging and creating bloodlines of virtuous and powerful ponies
  375. >Her future insight grew, and she prepared meticulously to combat the results of her failures and the pre-existing calamities such as Tirek
  376. >Even so, she never stopped leading stray foals to their parents, helping ponies find good matches, making sure that corrupt ponies got their just deserts
  377. >It's a relief when the last major calamity of the next hundred years is dealt with, and she doesn't have to worry and fret about keeping everypony safe
  378. >And then this green monkey shows up, and he snarls up and spits out any attempt to find him a good mare, or help a foal find their teddy bear, or any number of little things that make life easier
  379.  
  380.  
  381.  
  382. >Sombra is the reason the empire is pure A E S T H E T I C
  383. >Before him the crystal ponies barely had a respectable town hall, let alone fully functional yet also practical arcitecture for the city that perfectly balances all residential and industrial areas, all in the shape of the national flag AND can be expanded upon as needed due to the fractal nature of the design.
  384. >Sure the evil magic induced crystals but a dampener on things for the average pony but clean that up a bit and nobody can argue that it doesnt look great
  385.  
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  387.  
  388.  
  389.  
  390. >Be anon
  391. >Get summoned to tiny horse 40k
  392. >Twilight the Purple can't believe she actually summoned something that wasn't made out of tentacles and nightmares
  393. >YFW she fucking squealed in joy from the gact that you can translate all the tomes from ancient Terra
  394. >YFW you have to tell her you can only translate the english ones and a bit if the spanish ones
  395.  
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  400.  
  401.  
  402. >when anon was reborn in to anonicorn, he was reborn again with his innocence
  403. >anon and anonicorn are simply the same person/pony but is separate by cynicism and naiveté
  404. >anonicorn is all what anon is past life never really experienced
  405. >security
  406. >safety
  407. >and love
  408.  
  409. >the doomstar is the manifestation of anon's past life
  410. >sadness
  411. >loneliness
  412. >stress
  413. >anxiety
  414. >but also include what he has learned throughout his adult life
  415. >the reason anonicorn "purges" this from his body, is too keep him innocent
  416. >to allow anon to still have his new life in peace
  417.  
  418. >as anonicorn grows he has glimpses of the sadness of anon's old life
  419. >but each purge will allow him to forget
  420. >eventually anonicorn will have to face the doomstar
  421. >to face his past
  422.  
  423.  
  424.  
  425.  
  426.  
  427.  
  428. >Traditional pegasus waifu
  429. >Gets along with Anon, good friends with him, etc
  430. >Makes a habit of perching on his back like a backpack
  431. >Those familiar with old pegasus traditions had an idea of what that meant
  432. >Some stallions found that borderline sexually abusive; others found it weirdly romantic
  433. >Anon thinks it's cute and likes having her around
  434. >Stealthily tried to fly him up a few times, but failed to
  435. >It's okay, she likes'em thicc
  436. >Works out all year to get stronger
  437. >Wing exercises to strengthen the wing muscles
  438. >Meticulous preening to pull out damaged or old feathers that would otherwise impede or retard the growth of newer, better feathers
  439. >Increased protein in her diet to fuel muscle growth
  440. >Mating season comes around again
  441. >Traditional pegasus waifu takes her place on Anon's back
  442. >Spreads her wings wide
  443. >BIG FLAPS
  444. "What are yo-woooaahhh!"
  445. >Anon's feet leave the ground
  446. >"And that, foals, is how I met your father."
  447.  
  448.  
  449.  
  450.  
  451.  
  452.  
  453.  
  454.  
  455. >Eris and Anon finally decide to have a kid
  456. >After a mighty struggle with her eldritch uterus his sperm finally gets her pregnant
  457. >She gets bored of the extra weight quickly and tries snapping her claws to age up the kid to be healthy and get it out
  458. >But it doesn't work
  459. >The baby inherits her chaos magic so she can't use her get out of everything free card on it
  460. >Panicking ensues
  461. "Eris just calm down, it'll be fine"
  462. >"FINE!? Are you seriously that dumb? I grew up on my magic"
  463. "Well it can't be that bad, you should be able to adapt pretty quickly without it"
  464. >"Anon, honey, babe, you're being stupid again, and not in the cute way that made me fall for you."
  465. "But-"
  466. >"The most exercise I've gotten in my entire life is when I had to walk through Chrysalis's hive"
  467. "Oh"
  468. >"Yeah! Oh! Oh shit, what if it stops my other magic, what if I can't teleport? What if I can't warp reality? How am I supposed to get into places?"
  469. "Maybe you could use a door?"
  470. >"What you mean that thing that peasants use?"
  471. >God damn it some days you love your wife and some days you hate her
  472. >You're not sure which it is today
  473.  
  474.  
  475.  
  476.  
  477.  
  478.  
  479.  
  480. >It's been centuries since the last time there was an assassination attempt on an Alicorn.
  481. >They used to be a regular occurrence, especially just after Luna was Mooned, and Celestia was the only one around.
  482. >Most commonly from foreign powers seeking to weaken Equestria, but also the occasional uppity noble who didn't like the decisions being made
  483. >Celestia is famed for practically never directly retaliating or even acknowledging that an attempt on her life was made.
  484. >Quite a few dignitaries were expecting a few threats, or at the very least an exceptionally menacing look full of implied 'I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.'
  485. >But she was always sunshine and smiles, happy to share another slice of cake and some tea.
  486. >In some ways this was even more unnerving than to be confronted by an angry sun goddess.
  487. >These beings who believed themselves powerful, now forced to see another who considers their actions not even worth noticing.
  488.  
  489. >Celly could pull this off because in most cases she was truly unaware than anything untoward had occurred.
  490. >And only occasionally did she rely on her impressive powers of Regeneration to survive. (Usually when a poisoning was attempted)
  491. >No, in most cases she Mrs. Magoo'ed her way out of danger.
  492. >After it happened enough times, the superstition that spread around the world was the Fate itself protected her, making any further attempts folly.
  493.  
  494. >The only attempts on her life she ever acknowledged, were ones that did not only target her, but were part of the most recent supervillain trying to take over the world and flat out attacking the castle. Complete with monologuing, publicly challenging her, and so on.
  495. >something something RGRE
  496.  
  497.  
  498.  
  499.  
  500.  
  501.  
  502.  
  503. >Be Rasputanon
  504. >Going around Equestria using your fucking sick magic powers you got from God
  505. >Tell these unenlightened ponies of how you were the royal physician
  506. >The little prince had weak blood so you smacked his doctors and got them to fuck off
  507. >The tsar was a total bro, really chill, truly a best friend
  508. >His wife was a cunt though
  509. >Total prude and she talked shit about you behind your back
  510. >But the nobles were the worst
  511. >They actually thought you fucked the queen while your best friend was trying his best to lead the country during a war
  512. >You might have used drugs and fucked like a rabbit but you honored the bro-code
  513. >Then the fuckers fed you poison cake and wine
  514. >Honestly it was pretty good/10 would be poisoned again
  515. >After you asked for seconds the bastards shot you and threw you in a river
  516. >At least you think that's what happened, your memory gets fuzzy after you felt the furst bullet lodge itself in your chest
  517. >After you spread your life story, or as the ponies called it "mad ramblings" enough they sent their tsar to come meet you
  518. >It was a she
  519. >Fuck, hope she's not as bad as the queen back in Russia
  520. >Turns out she's pretty chill
  521. >She reminds you of the tsar
  522. >You miss him sometimes
  523. >At least you and Celestia can have fun regaling each other of your adventures in court
  524. >She even enjoy poison too
  525.  
  526.  
  527.  
  528.  
  529.  
  530.  
  531. >Be Discord
  532. >You know that Eris is a turbo virgin marecel with no hopes of ever getting the D without your help
  533. >Certainly not with a normal creature
  534. >Thats why you are not choosing a normal creature
  535. >You plants the seeds on Twilight's head and give a little push, causing a chain reaction that ends with Twilight accidentally stranding a creature as weird as you in Equestria with no way back
  536. >Anon The hyoo'man is just the combination of uncolt reckless, crazy and nerd you needed
  537. >He isn't as frightened as you expected, he told purplesmart he was some type of wizard, occultist or whatever /x/fag means
  538. >His world apparently goes to periods of chaos and order, low and high magic by what he told
  539. >That will be perfect
  540. >Justasplan.warp
  541. >You could convince Anon to let Eris teach him about chaos, and use it to convince the ponies to let her be his guide in this world
  542. >Then you will just need to nudge him in the right direction in the road of friendship fuckery that worked so well for you and Fluttershy
  543. >Now you just need to swip Twilight to the side before she start getting any ideas…
  544.  
  545.  
  546.  
  547.  
  548.  
  549. >Be Sunset
  550. >You loved your boyfriend Anon
  551. >He was a good cook, a good cleaner, good looking, and he might have enjoyed a good fuck more than you
  552. >He was out of this world, both catch-wise and in a literal sense
  553. >There was an issue however
  554. >He had been in Equestria for sometime before coming through the portal and moving in with you
  555. >More than long enough for magic to seep into his body
  556. >Now, he wasn't the same sort of human that you had here
  557. >He was... built different
  558. >Twilight had given you a novel-sized stick of papers showing the differences
  559. >That meant that he didn't turn into an evil monster once he got a hold of some magic
  560. >But
  561. >That didn't mean magic didn't have some funny effects on him
  562. >Twice a year, for around two or three weeks, Anon would undergo a change
  563. >It was like he went into heat
  564. >You'd think that would be sexy, right?
  565. >Just a bit colt wanting nothing but sex
  566. >The thing was that this seemed far worse than anything you had felt when you were a unicorn
  567. >Anon went from a sweet, gentle, shy boy into little more than a leaking, crazed animal that wanted nothing more than to stuff holes
  568. >You were a pretty tough gal, but you had seen him put a hole through a steel door
  569. >He could hurt himself, he could hurt you; Celestia above, he could hurt someone
  570. >It was like you were dealing with a grumpy bear
  571. >And you had no idea how to deal with bears
  572. >But you did know somehow who did
  573. >In fact, you had seen her JUDO THROW a fucking bear
  574. >A big ol black bear
  575. >She just tossed it like it was a big dog
  576. >So, you went to her and explained the situation
  577. >Oddly enough, it didn't take much to convince her to help you
  578. >She actually seemed interested in seeing how Anon would react to her
  579. >Which is where you found yourself
  580. >In your bedroom
  581. >Door locked
  582. >Anon was tied to a metal chair; first with duct tape then rope
  583. >He was naked as well, and there was a blue tarp underneath the chair
  584. >Fluttershy straddled him, gently, but firmly pressing his face between her tits
  585. >She was wearing shorts and a low cut top
  586. >Her skin was shiny with sweat
  587. >Apparently, she had worked out before coming over
  588. >Something about wanting to see if Anon was receptive to pheromones in sweat
  589. >He certainly calmed down
  590. >Before she entered the room he had been snarling, trying to rip out of his bindings
  591. >Now thought?
  592. >He was as docile as a puppy, nuzzling his face between your buddy's e-cups
  593. >Fluttershy had an arm around his neck and a hand on his head, running her fingers through his hair as she licked and sucked on her tits
  594. >His cock was pressed against her shorts, and has leaking like a facet
  595. >"Oh, you're doing so well, Anon," Fluttershy said with a smile. "See how nice it is when you aren't grumpy?"
  596. >She giggled as Anon managed to wrangle her nipple out of her top and gently bit it
  597. >You watched as his cock throbbed, sending a spurt of him onto the tarp below
  598. >Thank Celestia you had listened to Flutters and got the tarp, otherwise you'd have ruined your poor carpet by now
  599. >Nuzzling the top of his head, Fluttershy looked over at you
  600. >"Thank you again for asking me to help, Sunset," she said. "I know the other girls might poke fun at you, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a girl asking another girl to help satisfy her man. There's absolutely no shame in admitting you need that help; in fact, it makes you a bigger woman in my eyes."
  601. >You blinked
  602. "I"M NOT A FUCKING CUC--"
  603. >Anon let out a groan
  604. >You watched as Anon let loose rope after rope of thick cum
  605. >Fluttershy just giggled again, wiggling her big, dumb, stupid ass back and forth
  606. >...
  607. >Fucking Fluttershy
  608.  
  609.  
  610.  
  611.  
  612.  
  613.  
  614. >ywn start dating Twilight
  615. >ywn get teased by Cadence for being a weird janefilly who fell for a book nerd
  616. >ywn feel like tweaking her nose
  617. >ywn make a habit of ordering or making pizza that have toppings she wouldn't approve of
  618. >You expected her to hate pineapples, but she actually liked them a lot
  619. >ywn fail to realize just how seriously Cadence takes pizza
  620. >ywn find out from Twilight (after an aggressive cuddle-session because she was angry at Cadence) that the pink alicorn was trying to convince Twilight that you were "bad news"
  621. >"I'm the princess of love, Twilight! I know these things! C'mon, he likes his pizza that has its sauce replaced with ranch dressing! He once tried to serve me an' Shiny pizza with onions and tomato on it! How can you trust him to be a househusband if his taste in pizza is that horrible?!"
  622. >Candy now crosses herself and carries religious icons with her whenever you come visit the Crystal Empire
  623. >"By the holy mother, I walk in the valley of death but I am not afraid..."
  624. >You're getting a bit worried
  625. >You think she's actually starting to believe you are some sort of devil
  626.  
  627.  
  628.  
  629.  
  630.  
  631.  
  632.  
  633. >Ponies can sense when someone's gone without a hug for a while
  634. >It's something inherently magical and can be felt like a change in the air pressure
  635. >When alerted to the problem a properly trained nurse mare will tend to the patient
  636. >Sitting down over a nice meal, chatting about life and plenty of hugs later, and the pony is back to normal
  637. >Enter Anonymous and holy shit
  638. >Normally it felt like a shift in the air pressure, but Anonymous makes it feel like a black hole is taking a mid-afternoon stroll through town
  639. >Protocols were put in place in case of an emergency like this
  640. >But they were made a few centuries ago and have literally never been used
  641. >It takes the horspital a few hours to dig far enough into their to find it
  642. >In case of this particular phenomenon a registered physical affection therapist with at least a masters in whimsy containment and a doctorate in hug expertise will need to be assigned to the patient 24/7
  643. >The mare's job will not be done until the patient has been sufficiently cared for to restore the ambient magical balance
  644. >Less than a hooful of mares in Ponyville have those kind of credentials
  645. >Nurse Red Heart, Pinkamena Diane Pie and Applejack
  646.  
  647.  
  648.  
  649.  
  650.  
  651. >Ever since those Horsemen had arrived from Twilight's attempt at scrying the river in the Everfree, things have been a bit-
  652. >"Twilight the Horsemen are baiting a hydra again!"
  653. >Setting aside your quill for your journal you groan as Applejack barged into your home.
  654. "Does Fluttershy know yet?"
  655. >"No, but if she doesn't yet she soon will, them stallions have been leading it about trying to stab the poor fella."
  656. "You know that's probably the same hydra that tried to eat us?"
  657. >"Sure, but that's just a critter being hungry, those stallions are just bein cruel."
  658. >You sighed then focused on your magic, jumping between places you arrived near Draumrland.
  659. >Already you could hear the hooting of the horsemen and the plaintive cry of a hydra in pain.
  660. >Near the border of the Everfree that already was pushed back from the bright axes of the Horsemen
  661. >You spied a group assailing the hydra, many a spear sticking out of it while one horseman leapt atop its back with a battle cry.
  662. >A head of the beast whipped out and sent the horseman tumbling only for him to stand upright laughing uproariously.
  663. >That's it!
  664. >Zapping in between the hydra and horsemen you strained your magic freezing all participants.
  665. "What is wrong with you stallions?! We've already told you that you're not supposed to hunt the hydras in the Everfree! It's dangerous for you!"
  666. >"Haha! Great Volva be at peace! Tis only good sport to show our worth to Odin above!"
  667. >Of course the worst of the rabble rousers, Annon Incogson managed to grin at you held as he was by your magic, this stallion was driving you to resort your library from his whimsy!
  668.  
  669. "Which you can show in other ways than harming the local wild life, don't you remember the last time with Fluttershy?"
  670. >At the mention of your kind hearted friend many a horseman shivered in place while Annon simply laughed, "Oh yes, she threw quite the left hook, or would it be hoof? Regardless, release us so we might continue!"
  671. >You began to see red.
  672. >With a grunt you teleport the hydra into the forest while you set aside the other complaining horsemen down to sit.
  673. "No! That's it! I've had it! You're all too whimsical for your own good and you're going to school!"
  674. >"What's a skool?"
  675. >"Is the Volva bringing us mead? Skal great Volva!"
  676. >"I've worked up quite the thirst I'll admit, some mead would sound good about now."
  677.  
  678. >Dear Princess Celestia, you think you might have bitten off more than you can chew...
  679.  
  680.  
  681.  
  682.  
  683.  
  684.  
  685. >anon lands in RGRE
  686. >becomes rich in celestia's service by giving them earth ideas and doing his old earth -insert job here- for the crown
  687. >buys a home away from canterlot just to escape the nonsense of the royal court
  688. >eventually needs a servant to take care of the home
  689. >hires maids to for the upkeep of the homesteadis RGRE of butler still maid?
  690. >eventually he starts to take advantage of his riches and status as the 'fairer sex' to get his maids in to rather skimpy uniforms for his own pleasure
  691.  
  692. >be maidpone
  693. >dear penthorse
  694. >you will not believe what happened to me...
  695.  
  696.  
  697.  
  698.  
  699.  
  700.  
  701. >Anonicorn during estrus season.
  702. >old enough to notice something pleasant about a lot of the mares in the castle, but the hormones are just not quite there yet.
  703. >spends a whole day complimenting heavily blushing mares on how they smell or how fluffy their tails look before a frazzled looking Cadence with an equally frazzled looking Shining armor take him to go do some baking.
  704. >Celestia has to actively restrain her sister from inflicting nightmares on half the castle that night after she witnesses a few guilty dreams
  705.  
  706.  
  707. >Celestia reluctantly accept that the time has come and tries to have “the talk” with anon
  708. >She was more embarrassed then him, kept stumbling over her words and trying to use some non-sensical metaphors
  709. >She wasn’t ready for it
  710. >In the end that only manage to make Anon even more confuse
  711. >And worse of all, maybe even curious
  712. >Anon was always the type to come up with little experiments and try new things, and now that disposition of his is starting worrying the princess
  713. >Celly kind off messed up and she knows it
  714. >In desperation for what could happen she gos to Candance for help
  715. >After stopping laughing Candyass decides to give Anon some sex-ed classes
  716.  
  717.  
  718.  
  719.  
  720.  
  721.  
  722.  
  723. >Anon crash lands in Fluttershy's cottage one day due to "LET'S GET HIS ASS HERE NOW" shenanigans.
  724. >While she is more forgiving than others (especially considering how he spooked her real bad), he still feels kinda bad about fucking up her home and offers to help fix up what he can...when he recovers from his sudden interdimensional jetlag.
  725. >Little does he know, Fluttershy is sweating up a storm and trying real hard not to spill her Pony Spaghetti everywhere. Not because he's a colt (ok, not FULLY because he's a colt) but also because he fits the description of a popular "Monster Colt" that stars in various media.
  726. >...not just neighponese stuff, she swears.
  727. >And now he's insisting on helping her out. And living with her.
  728. >By Celestia if she were a bolder mare, she'd feel smug about this
  729.  
  730.  
  731.  
  732.  
  733.  
  734.  
  735.  
  736. >Rainbow Dash is not the most technical of ponies
  737. >Has no patience for when things take time, or for things that take patience in general
  738. >Computers can slow down, glitch out, need to be restarted to get something to work, etc
  739. >Rainbow Dash gets bored, fed up, and decides computers just aren't worth it
  740. >But when Anon talks about a genre of gaming that involves being as fast as possible?
  741. >Rainbow Dash takes interest.
  742. >"This is a whole new way for me to go fast, Twilight! How can I go to sleep tonight knowing that I'm slower than everyone else at something?! HOW?!"
  743. >Fast-going is Rainbow's crack
  744. >The allure is enough to make her slow down and think for a change
  745. >Finds the patience to use computers
  746. >Learns how they operate
  747. >Installs games
  748. >Plays them
  749. >Looks up various exploits
  750. >Meticulously combs each map, trying to put combinations of exploits to use to cut down her time
  751. >Months go by
  752. >Rainbow has become one of the top speed-runners out there
  753. >She was the last one anybody expected to be good enough at computers to beat everyone else
  754.  
  755.  
  756.  
  757.  
  758.  
  759. >Guys night in Discords holodeck RPG.
  760. >Discord overhears Anon mention speedrunning and gets a kick out of the idea.
  761. >Challenges Anon to speedrun his life for a week, giving him minor reality warping powers to do so.
  762. >The reward is instructions on how said powers work.
  763. >Anon tries to recreate popular speedrunning techniques like clipping through walls and building up momentum.
  764. >Ponies just see a colt being extremely whimsical and try to calm him down.
  765. >Always miss the moment he succeeds at whatever skip he's doing.
  766. >Ponk catches on by the third day and thinks she's found a kindred spirit
  767.  
  768.  
  769.  
  770.  
  771.  
  772.  
  773.  
  774. >Anon is a fit man who enjoys the outdoors and working out.
  775. >Celestia, wanting to impress this fine male specimen, says she also is quite athletic and outdoorsy.
  776. >Which might have been true pre-unification when she and Luna were just commoners living in medieval times, but she hasn't had a good workout in over a thousand years.
  777. >But she's an alicorn, so how bad of shape can she be in.
  778. >Twenty minutes into their nature hike, and all of Celestia's legs are cramping up and she's pretty sure her lungs are bleeding.
  779. >Thus the sight of Anon carrying the chubby sun princess back to civilization where she's seen by all.
  780. >Maybe she really does need to lay off the cake
  781.  
  782.  
  783.  
  784.  
  785.  
  786.  
  787. >You are Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash is trying to help you ask out the new boy in school.
  788. >He just seems so different than the other boys.
  789. "And you're sure that will work?"
  790. >"Sure I'm sure. Guys love math jokes. How do you think Twilight got a guy?"
  791. >She does have a good point.
  792. >"And if that doesn't work, just ask him if he'd like to suck some Dees."
  793. "Some dees?"
  794. >She points to her chest.
  795. >"Dees tits."
  796. "So I should ask if he wants to suck your tits?"
  797. >"Ugh! Not mine, yours! I swear... just go."
  798. "Oh right."
  799.  
  800. >You are Rainbow Dash, and you are getting even with Fluttershy today.
  801. >She inadvertently told the teacher on you when you were napping in class and got you detention.
  802. >'Don't call on her, she's asleep right now.'
  803. >Let's see how she likes being embarrassed.
  804.  
  805. >You are Fluttershy, and that seemed like a long walk.
  806. "Um, hi."
  807. >"Huh? Oh... hi."
  808. "I'm Fluttershy. I wanted to say welcome to our school."
  809. >"Thanks, I'm Anon. So why do you have a calculator?"
  810. "I almost forgot. I wanted to tell you my favorite number. 5318008."
  811. >"Okay..."
  812. "Because when you flip it upside down, it's boobies."
  813. >He just states at you.
  814. "So... would you like to go out with me?"
  815. >"Uh yeah, sounds great."
  816. "Wait, I almost forgot. Would you like to suck on some dees?"
  817. >He raises am eyebrow and looks at you, almost a little worried.
  818. >"Dees?"
  819. >You point at your chest.
  820. "Dees tits."
  821. >He looks almost instantly relieved.
  822. >"Yeah, that sounds great actually."
  823. >"OH COME ON! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"
  824. >You hear Rainbow say from behind you
  825.  
  826.  
  827.  
  828.  
  829.  
  830. >They find Lovely Loop at home in bed.
  831. >Turns out the changeling is her roommate that offered to "tag in" for the week because she was sick.
  832. >She feels a bit guilty about misleading Anon, but after hearing about him (along with how tasty his love is and she quotes 'unf') didnt want their 'first' meeting to be with her looking an absolute mess from hayfever.
  833. >Considering Anon instinctively starting pampering and fussing over her on sight her fears were slightly unfounded.
  834. >Shining and Cadence share a glance, both thinking the probably shouldn't have knocked the changeling out immediately before giving her a chance to talk.
  835. >A few more glances, movements and gestures between the two with a quiet groan from Cadence decides that Shining will stay here with anon while she goes to collect the bug and apologise
  836.  
  837.  
  838. >Her buggo name is a series of clicks and whistles.
  839. >Her OC disguise is named Lovely Ladybug, a red coated unicorn mare with black mane and black freckles, cutie mark of an insect under a magnifying glass.
  840. >Took the disguise of being a bug collector to explain away unintentional bug-puns, has a day job of being a pest-remover.
  841. >Earned her spot as Lovely loops roommate through virtue of sharing names.
  842. >Earned her spot as Loops friend after saving her from a 'coltfriend' who just wanted to rob their flat, also earning a black eye and bleeding lip for the trouble as she kicked him out.
  843. >The blood being green was concerning at first before Ladybug came clean, to which Loop just responded with "I'm not sure if i should be more or less impressed with your puns and it's bugging me." before they both laughed and hugged it out
  844.  
  845.  
  846.  
  847. >Ladybug sweats as her co-worker just stares at her undisguised form without expression.
  848. >She never should have listened to her roommates advice.
  849. >"She'll understand" oh sure she'll understand perfectly well that she'll just need a few extra cans of RAID from the cart to deal with the bigger than usual bug and a slightly bigger trash bag.
  850. >"Does zis mean i haffe to find ein new bartner?"
  851. >It takes a moment for Ladybug to parse the germenigh immigrant's accent, and another to process the actual question.
  852. "Why are you asking that?"
  853. >She mentally prepares herself for that strange accent as the blond mare responds.
  854. >"Well, they're your own kind are they not? I thought this was your way of saying you were too guilty to continue our holocaust."
  855. "What, no. We have about as much in common as an Apple does to a Dandelion but that's not the point! You're not bothered by...this?"
  856. >"You just gestured to all of you."
  857. "Yes! All of me the walking bug pony living among regular ponies! Why are you not bothered by this?!"
  858. >"Well, since we've met have you kidnapped anypony? Replaced anypony? Dug out any secret basements? Drained ponies of their love?"
  859. "No, no, no thats a stereotype and only nibbles."
  860. >"So you have been living as a regular pony the whole time?"
  861. "...Yes?"
  862. >"So why should i worry? You've come to this kingdom and seem to have fully embraced it and it's people as your own, you're just like me."
  863. "What."
  864. >"Is true. We are both immigrants to this great kingdom, outsiders welcomed with open hooves by the populace, whilst most of your race have a history of being parasites, my own divided peoples would have long ago been buried under ice and snow if not for our close proximity to Equestria keeping the windigoe at bay."
  865. "Is it really that bad in your homeland?"
  866. >"Another province was declared last week according to the papers, i believe that makes 37 by my last count but some could have been annexed since."
  867. "...Ouch. I'm sorry."
  868. >"Not your fault, Germanes are a very stubborn people, eventually the stupid amongst us will wear themselves out or anger Princess Celestia enough to force her hoof, and those of us smart enough to watch from the sidelines will rebuild."
  869. "Your parents told you that when you moved here to live with your uncle Bell didn't they."
  870. >"...You get in one little fight and suddenly your father is packing you off in air ship, colts am i right?"
  871. "I only knew my mom and i dont think she was very good at that, she's very.. Queeny."
  872. >"Oh yeah, thats a bug thing."
  873. "Yeah."
  874. >"...So you're not quitting?"
  875. "No i'm not quitting and yes the holocaust can continue, what even is that word anyway?"
  876. >"Good, because that fireant nest is a two mare job if we dont want the building to burn down and finding new partner for that party would be a huge pain in the flank."
  877. "Well i'm glad i'm not going to be a complete buzzkill."
  878. >"Dont make me swat you."
  879.  
  880.  
  881.  
  882.  
  883.  
  884.  
  885. >The domain of growing things belongs to the earth ponies
  886. >This is why most doctors and nurses are earth ponies
  887. >If they lay their hooves on you and channel their magic through you, wounds will actually heal faster
  888. >Technically though it doesn't need to be their hooves
  889. >Earth pony kisses really do make things better
  890. >Nurses absolutely will fight over who gets to be a new single stallion's primary care provider
  891.  
  892.  
  893.  
  894.  
  895.  
  896.  
  897.  
  898.  
  899. >Starswirl does not care that the mares stole his work
  900. >if it helps ponies why not?
  901. >its not like he's giving them a spell for super magic anthrax
  902. >just pities that they have no creativity of their own
  903. >only stayed in that town because it was relevant to his research
  904. >fucks off when the town was no longer productive to his work
  905.  
  906. >did make a few 'acquaintances' here and there
  907. >one being a little filly named clover
  908. >she always liked watching starswirl and sometimes do errands for him for a few bits and a magic lesson or two
  909. >she was sad when he left
  910. >she never got the chance to say goodbye
  911.  
  912. >mare who stole his work was making BANK with the spells she took
  913. >there was some question where she suddenly got them
  914. >clover accused her for stealing from starswirl because of her own lessons from him
  915. >no one of course would believe that a stallion could make such a revolutionary magical creation!
  916. >that is until she started to lose her business when starswirl left
  917. >with her golden goose gone, she started tinkering
  918. >trying to make the current spells she took now to something useful now
  919. >it works
  920. >for a time
  921.  
  922. >somehow she made the spell mutate into a magical plague like the cutiepox
  923. >spread far and beyond her own town
  924. >as of the moment, nopony, not even her, know what the cause is
  925. >other than clover
  926. >still a little filly goes out into the world to find her old master
  927. >the only stallion who can fix this mess
  928.  
  929.  
  930.  
  931.  
  932.  
  933.  
  934.  
  935. >unicorn horn spiral dictates how their magic can be channeled
  936. >clockwise vs counter-clockwise vastly changes what spells can be cast and at what strength
  937. >spells have different effects when cast through different horns, duration is changed as well as intensity of the effect and how effective it really is
  938. It's like how meat has a grain, and eating something cut with the grain is a different experience than eating that same thing but cut against the grain.
  939. >there are spells unicorns with counter-clockwise horn spirals would never try, and spells unicorns with clockwise spirals would have trouble with
  940. >counter-clockwise horn spirals are best for low intensity but long duration spells, like defensive magic or house-keeping spells
  941. >clockwise horn spirals are for high intensity low duration spells, like attack magic or when you need something to pack a punch for a very short period of time
  942. >stallions are born with a counter-clockwise spiral 9/10 times
  943. >stallions have endurance that mares just don't, and a stallion can keep up with his foal much better than a mare can because she would just tire herself out
  944. >the low intensity also give stallions a more delicate touch and they are able to tweak the desired effects much better than a mare can, meaning they can be much more careful and precise when looking after their foals or when cooking a meal
  945. >that's why unicorn stallions have a firm place in the household and looking after foals
  946.  
  947.  
  948.  
  949.  
  950.  
  951.  
  952. >Dark Lord Anon was pissed.
  953. >He had long since decided to retire from the life of evil, and yet heroes would never give him peace.
  954. >Even when he was no longer a threat to the world, they still came, and he was forced to defend himself.
  955. >And now, even after using ancient, powerful magic to move him, his castle, and his most precious treasure to an entirely new world, heroes once again came pounding on his door.
  956. >He hadn't even done anything, and yet they came motivated by nothing more than the fear of what he could do.
  957. >Fools.
  958. >Well, if that is how they wanted to be, then he would give them reason to fear him and make them examples of what awaited those at Anon's Keep if more show up.
  959. "Fools! You dare trespass upon my mighty keep! You shall suffer a fate worse than death for coming here!"
  960. >"That's where you're wrong, dark wizard! I, Princess Twilight Sparkle and my friends will not allow your evil to take root in our lands!"
  961. "Such brave words for a dead horse! Come I shall show you the full power of the dark arts!"
  962. >"Come on, girls, lets-!"
  963. >Daddy? What's going on?"
  964. >A little girl wonders in, wearing a night gown patterned with spider webs, her midnight dark hair hanging like shadows over her shoulders as she rubbed sleep from her eyes.
  965. >"I thought you said the bad people would leave us alone now?"
  966. "Sweetie, go back to bed, Daddy will take care of it."
  967. >"But..." she began eyes drifting to the intruders before going wide. "PONIES?!"
  968. >"Um, Twilight, what's going on?"
  969. >"It talked! Daddy! They're magical talking ponies! Just like from the stories mommy told me!"
  970. "And they've come for a fight. Jane, please go back to your bedroom!"
  971. >"What? No! You can't hurt them daddy!"
  972. "But-"
  973. >"Oh, they're so pretty! Do you ponies want to have a tea party?"
  974. "That's hardly appropriate. They're enemies!"
  975. >"Oh, tea sounds lovely."
  976. >"And did you say party!? I'm totally in!"
  977. >"Girls, did you forget why we're here?!"
  978. >"Ah, come on, Twi, I'm mighty parched myself. We ain't all got wings, and it was a long hike to get up here."
  979. >"Eee! I'll make the tea! Daddy go get cookies!"
  980. "Jane, I really don't think-"
  981. >"Daddy!"
  982. "Sight, fine," Anon summons a bat made of shadows, which goes to the group of intruders-turned-guests. "Follow the bat and it shall show you to the parlor. And wipe your hooves at the mat out front. I'll not have you tracking mud any further into my home."
  983. >"I'm confused, Twilight. Are we fighting a dark wizard today or not. I had to call off of Wonderbolt training for this."
  984. >"I... don't know, Dash."
  985. >"Well, since said dark wizard is a colt and father also, I very well hope not. I'd not be able to look my parents in the eyes if I ended up hitting a stallion."
  986. >"He's an evil stallion!"
  987. >"What? Just cause the map said so? Maybe it's a friendship problem, Twilight."
  988. >"Gasp! They just poofed into Equestria, right? That means they must need friends!"
  989. >"Really, Pinkie?"
  990. >"I'll have to throw them a Welcome to Our World Party. Do you think this castle has a ballroom?"
  991.  
  992.  
  993.  
  994.  
  995.  
  996. >It is a historic moment
  997. >The troops of the three tribes are gathered in an uneasy truce, the alicorn sisters stand at the podium
  998. >Celestia approaches and takes a deep breath
  999. >The silence is deafening
  1000. >She stares at the mass of ponies with wide, wild eyes
  1001. >"Daddy Danglers."
  1002. >The crowd rustles, some faces scrunching, others smirking
  1003. >Celestia scowls and slams her forehooves on the podium
  1004. >"Isn't that what we all really want? Daddy danglers, wingèd wangers, fruit of the groom. There is no reason why we should be fighting while the windagos are freezing our nips off when we could be cuddling our stallions or courting colts if we don't have one. Buck, we've fought enough, that should be good enough to impress some colts and get our beans licked. Buck war, buck windagos and let's go buck our stallions!"
  1005. >The mares roar in approval and disperse with enthusiasm
  1006. >The three secretaries of the tribe leaders look at each other
  1007. >Quick Quill rustles his wings uncomfortably
  1008. >"Let's just say that the power of friendship drove off the windagos, right?"
  1009. >The other two nod
  1010.  
  1011.  
  1012.  
  1013.  
  1014.  
  1015.  
  1016.  
  1017.  
  1018. >Story tells of a mare called Silvery Chisel that lived in the far north more than millennia ago
  1019. >She was the greatest sculptress to ever walk in Equus
  1020. >Her works where life like and able to communicate the deepest of emotions through cold crystal and marble
  1021. >Such skill brought her great fame and fortune, for each of her pieces was an invaluable treasure in itself
  1022. >One could imagine that for such mare, finding a mate would be something easy
  1023. >But no, Silvery Chisel was one of the most solitary mares in the land
  1024. >Not because no stallion took interest on her but because she reject all that tried
  1025. >For her could not relate or appreciated stallions that did things like talk, have sex or perform other bodily functions
  1026. >But she still have a greater appreciation for beauty
  1027. >Appreciation, that couple with loneliness, slowly start to corrode her soul
  1028. >To cure her loneliness, Silvery chisel decided to do what she did best
  1029. >If no stallion could meet her standards she would create one from the ground up
  1030. >On the period of seven months and fifteen days she create her magnum opus, a perfect crystal statue
  1031. >The statue was all beautiful
  1032. >But more than beautiful it was Chisel perfect coltfriend
  1033. >Gorgeous, quiet, flawless, no judgmental, no breathing, talk nor awkward sexual tension
  1034. >She soon fell in love with her statue
  1035. >Dressing it on the most expensive silks, taking it on date, confess all her it all
  1036. >She open her soul to it and gave it the name Adamante
  1037. >For a time she was happy, but that happiness soon fade away
  1038. >For even that she loved Adamante, it could not love her back and they could not be really together
  1039. >That revelation made her spiral into despair
  1040. >Soon the year role and came the festival of love
  1041. >When princess Amore wandered her all her domains
  1042. >Depressed, Chisel took the opportunity and approached the princess
  1043. >She bagged to be turn into stone so she could finally be truly together with her love
  1044. >The princess look upon the sculptress and recognize her feeling as true and pure
  1045. >But instead of fulfilling the mare’s wish, Amore taped in her love an channel it into the statue
  1046. >Turning it to live
  1047. >Now Adamante could reciprocate the love that brought him to life
  1048. >And do things like talk, eat and have sex
  1049. >Princess Amore giggle at the face of the now incredibly nervous mare and teleport always, only telling them to have fun
  1050. >Silvery Chisel and Adamante went to sire three daughters, a Pegasus, a unicorn and a earth pone and three son, also one of each tribe
  1051. >Those foal went out to grow up and became the progenitors of all crystal ponies
  1052. >Time passed and Silvery Chisel eventually die of old age, living her creation and love behind
  1053. >For Adamante was everlasting and everliving as the love that brought him live
  1054. >In his despair, the first crystal stallion threw himself over his love grave
  1055. >He immediately shattered upon touching her body leaving only his shine crystal heart behind
  1056. >Perpetually powered by the love and souls of the lovers
  1057. >His shards flew far and wide, delimitating a perfect circle
  1058. >In that circle was build a great city
  1059. > At it center towering castle, build over the grave of the parent of the crystal ponies
  1060.  
  1061.  
  1062.  
  1063.  
  1064.  
  1065.  
  1066.  
  1067. > Anon is super hyped to meet a dragon after hearing that human knights appear in their ancient legends
  1068. > Will they fear him?
  1069. > Respect him?
  1070. > Or maybe just treat him as a curiosity, a living fossil, like the coelacanth
  1071. > Turns out, humans covering themselves in full plate and acting aggressive makes a decidedly different impression on dragons
  1072. > Legal Shota
  1073. > Lady dragons like to approach Anon and tells him they have gold and magic items in their hoard, would he like to see?
  1074. > In retrospect, it should have been obvious that the teenage dragon wouldn't have much of a hoard, and few dragons would be willing to give away gold and things
  1075. > At least the "cultural exchange" was fun
  1076.  
  1077.  
  1078.  
  1079. >>This means that divine magic has massive potential, but that its effectiveness can fluctuate greatly due to the mercurial nature of spirits.
  1080. >>Imagine someone trying to use divine chaos magic having to rely on Discord's mood whenever they cast.
  1081.  
  1082. >The most extreme fits of whimsy are actually divine chaos magic.
  1083. >Before he went off the rails, Discord was sometimes seen as a patron of stallions, as they were the ones most likely to seek his aid, and the most likely to receive it.
  1084. >After Discord was stoned for a thousand years, fits of whimsy were far less powerful, less magical, but the legends about them remained. And the attempts also helped ever so slightly to loosen the chains that bound him.
  1085. >Now that Discord has returned, his 'blessings' have also made a comeback.
  1086. >He may be reformed now, but he's still sometimes willing to lend a mismatched limb if your idea catches his fancy.
  1087. >Just be careful, if he really likes your idea, he may show up in person, and you'll get a lot more chaos than you bargained for
  1088.  
  1089.  
  1090.  
  1091.  
  1092.  
  1093.  
  1094. Flurry grew up expecting to have some relationship with a primordial facet of magic. But one day, Uncle Anon taught her how to play tabletop rpgs, and she got her cutie mark. She loves weaving stories for ponies, helping their characters achieve their goals and save the world. It's a bit of a letdown, but being the Obliette Mistress is fun.
  1095. It is only after a visit from a giraffe delegation that she realizes that her talent isn't strictly restricted to games
  1096.  
  1097.  
  1098.  
  1099.  
  1100.  
  1101.  
  1102.  
  1103. >Be Twilight Velvet
  1104. >You knew going mono with a nerd was going to have an effect on your foals
  1105. >Thank Harmony Cadance took a liking to your janefilly son, you were seriously worried you wouldn't have any grandfoals
  1106. >As for Twilight...
  1107. >You're proud of both of your foals, they grew up with strong moral fiber and enough magical power to excuse their eccentricities
  1108. >Given how many times your little Sparkler goes on an adventure and saves somepony, it's only a matter of time before-
  1109. >You hear the door open
  1110. >Your daughter calls out, "You'll never guess what I won in a duel!"
  1111. >You grin to yourself
  1112. >All according to plan
  1113.  
  1114.  
  1115.  
  1116.  
  1117.  
  1118.  
  1119.  
  1120. >Twilight Sparkle was having a full blown, no joke, dead serious panic attack.
  1121. >She's really done it this time.
  1122. >She knew how serious Celestia was about cake, but she still ate the last slice at the tea party.
  1123. >Damn this Alicorn metabolism, it's not her fault she's constantly hungry.
  1124. >And it earned her the fulfillment of her worst nightmares.
  1125. >She got sent back to BUCKING MAGIC KINDERGARTEN.
  1126.  
  1127. >Surprisingly enough, the foals at the kindergarten don't seem to mind that an adult pony, the Princess of Friendship, joined them.
  1128. >They just want to play with her, and they love the fact that she can give them ponyback rides and read them stories.
  1129. >For the first time since her ascension, she can finally relax. No royal obligations, no stress, no anxiety about how well she's fulfilling her station.
  1130. >After all, what could happen that would be worse for her image than this.
  1131. >Not to mention that no one really thinks worse of her.
  1132. >She learns that the ponies of Ponyville love her not because she's a princess, but because she's a valuable part of the community and a good pony.
  1133. >Her friends are with her no matter what, they never cared if she was "marely" or "respectable" enough.
  1134. >And she learns that the bonds of friendship can be made anywhere, as she becomes good friends with the tall, green stallion that runs the kindergarten.
  1135. >In fact, she starts seeing him outside of his working hours too.
  1136.  
  1137. >Back in Canterlot, Celestia and Cadence step away from a telescope they borrowed from Luna, that's currently pointed at Ponyville.
  1138. >They raise a toast, to a successful scheme.
  1139. >It took drastic measures, but it looks like they're going to kill two birds with one stone.
  1140. >Get the book horse to finally chill out, and, hooves crossed, finally bag the nerd a coltfriend.
  1141. >Teacups clink gently, as the princesses start planning out a wedding.
  1142. >After all, a good plan is laid out in advance
  1143.  
  1144.  
  1145.  
  1146.  
  1147.  
  1148.  
  1149. >Anon was able to buy a relatively nice house for incredibly cheep.
  1150. >Score!
  1151. >It's also plagued by some weird paranormal shit.
  1152. >Okay, that's a minor detriment, but he can still work with this.
  1153. >As far as he can tell, the spirit or entity is pretty non-violent most of the time.
  1154. >Sure, he finds his underwear drawer rifled through frequently, his socks on his disheveled bed coated in ectoplasm, and shampoo bottles knocked over repeatedly when he takes showers so he has to bend over and pick them up.
  1155. >But he's never harmed besides a phantom pinch to his bottom a few times a day.
  1156. >The most violent things get is when he's playing video games and is messing up repeatedly on a part.
  1157. >Every time he dies to a boss by failing to dodge the same attack again, things rattle and he's pretty sure he can hear a frustrated groan.
  1158. >So yeah, not so bad.
  1159. >His opinion on the matter does change, however, during a break-in.
  1160. >He never thought he'd be robbed, or that the robber mare would pin him down with earth pony strength with clear intent to rape him.
  1161. >Or that a ghostly wail would shake the walls and the mare atop him to be tossed and battered across the room.
  1162. >"Don't you touch my coltfriend!" is heard in a ghostly warble as Anon has to rescue his would-be assailant and throw her out of his house to safety.
  1163. >Yes, his opinion changed after that.
  1164. >For the better.
  1165. >He has his own guardian poltergeist and now he doesn't need to spring for a security system
  1166.  
  1167. >You have been in the Haunted Mansion for a few months now.
  1168. >Yeah, you renamed your house.
  1169. >It may not be a mansion but whatever, and the best part is the mouse can't sue you.
  1170. >You've also learned a lot about your ghostly roommate.
  1171. >She said she likes you more than the last mare that you bought the house from.
  1172. >You also seem to have started to date her.
  1173. >It was news to you at first, but she seemed to think when you came home and made dinner it was a dinner date.
  1174. >You were okay with it and actually appreciated the company since you were honestly kinda lonely.
  1175. >Not many mares like a big ape as a boyfriend, but Etherial Plain was more than okay with it.
  1176. >That also lead to her admitting she was embarrassed when she watched you masturbate before you knew she was in the house.
  1177. >It was also news to you when she said she could possess objects so long as they aren't alive.
  1178. >That gave you an idea, and is the reason you're in the adult shop.
  1179. >Surprising opposite of back home.
  1180. >Not that many vatieties of dildoes but a huge selection of cock sleeves.
  1181. >You found a good looking one for a decent price, bought it along with some lube and went home.
  1182. >Etherial was more than curious when you got home and said you had a surprise for her for later tonight.
  1183. >You had your dinner and she told you about pony history to pass the time.
  1184. >Finally you asked her to come back to the bedroom with you, which confused her mainly because it was early.
  1185. >When you got there you opened up your bag and showed her what you got.
  1186. >She was really confused at this point.
  1187. >You then explained that she could possess the fleshlight and hopefully feel everything.
  1188. >Her eyes went wide and she paused only for a moment before she disappeared and there was a faint ghostly glow around your pocket pussy.
  1189. >She liked it if the walls shaking violently were any indication of your first real night together
  1190.  
  1191.  
  1192.  
  1193.  
  1194.  
  1195.  
  1196. >Sunset Shimmer is actually Starlight Glimmer's daughter
  1197. >Grew up in a broken household with a mother who, as evidenced by her liberal usage of mind-control magic, had little to no regard for those around her
  1198. >Sunset tried to get help from Twilight - the only Princess in Equestria with the ability to do something and an old friend of her mother's
  1199. >But when her pleas went unanswered, Sunset believed it was because Twilight didn't want to punish her friend
  1200. >Sunset began to hate Twilight Sparkle and vowed revenge
  1201. >One day, she found Starlight's old scrolls on time magic, specifically the type with the ability to change the past
  1202. >Sunset used them and fell into the past, years before her mother and father even got married
  1203. >Due to her knowledge of future events and her own impressive magic (being the daughter of Starlight "I'm a stupid faggot who can fly with magic and steal cutie marks" Glimmer), young Sunset was eventually accepted into the School for Gifted Unicorns
  1204. >She thought she might be able to gain sway with Princess Celestia and perhaps learn of magic that could help her punish her mother, save her father, or something else that her new school might teach her
  1205. >Maybe find out what made her mother the way she was
  1206. >Unwilling to hurt Starlight Glimmer while she was just a little filly, Sunset Shimmer instead spent her years planning and scheming
  1207. >Fantasies about revenge began to darken her heart, and Celestia became concerned
  1208. >Her hatred of Twilight Sparkle for never helping her or her father remained with Sunset, even though at this point of time Twilight was only a little filly.
  1209. >Sunset always knew that Celestia was, on some level, suspicious of her
  1210. >She had, of course, appeared out of nowhere and had no identification or history in Equestria, having come from the future
  1211. >Sunset thought it was because she was from the future
  1212. >In reality, Celestia was merely concerned for her most faithful student, whose mood darkened more every day as she planned her revenge
  1213. >When Celestia accepted Twilight Sparkle into her school and took her on as a second pupil, Sunset was convinced that the jig was up
  1214. >That this was Celestia's way of telling her she KNEW all about the time travel and her plots for revenge
  1215. >In reality, Celestia thought that her talented student needed something to focus her energy onto
  1216. >Like being a mentor to a bright young filly.
  1217. >Sunset desperately sought an escape, believing she was going to be apprehended for the crime of trying to change the future in her favour - even if her favour meant escaping an abusive foalhood
  1218. >Not knowing where Starlight was - or Sunburst, for that matter - and knowing that there was no place in Equestria where she could hide from Celestia, Sunset fled into the mirror-portal she had recently discovered
  1219.  
  1220.  
  1221.  
  1222.  
  1223.  
  1224.  
  1225.  
  1226.  
  1227. >Be lich-anon.
  1228. >Un-life is tough in Equestria.
  1229. >Have to wear bunch of clothes and a fake beard to stop freaking little horses out with dem bones.
  1230. >Have to use specialized spell that warms your skeleton up, so your scritchies aren't deathly chilling.
  1231. >Mistaken for a villain on bi-monthly basis.
  1232. >On the upside, you got a small following consisting primarily of mares with medical background, goth unicorns and one particularly edgy musician pegasus who took a liking to using your ribs as a xylophone
  1233.  
  1234.  
  1235.  
  1236.  
  1237.  
  1238.  
  1239. >Be Anon
  1240. >Be with your buddy Maud Pie
  1241. >Maud hadn't been doing all the hot lately
  1242. >Her coltfriend had left her, and she was pretty beat up about it
  1243. >Trixie, Starlight, and her sisters weren't much help, so she can come to you
  1244. >It was pretty touching
  1245. >Maud liked to think of herself as a mare's mare, and coming to a male to talk about colty things like feelings show you just how bad of a way she was in
  1246. >To most ponies, she had the emotions of a rock
  1247. >Many stayed away because of this, many thinking that there was something wrong with her
  1248. >You knew better
  1249. >She was as expressive as any other pony, one just needed to watch and listen
  1250. >An ear twitch there, a quiet sigh there was all you needed
  1251. >Her body language was as easy to read as any other pony
  1252. >And, being a good friend, you were there to listen
  1253. >She talked and talked and talked; about how she felt, what had happened, what ponies would think
  1254. >You just sat there and let her go until she couldn't say anything else
  1255. >Then you got up, picked up her emotionally exhausted self, and gave her a big ol hug
  1256. >This went on for a week or so
  1257. >You hugged, petted, and nose-to-nose booped the mare
  1258. >She seemed to enjoy the male attention, and in no time at all she was back to her usual self
  1259. >Maud even got you a little thank you present
  1260. >A hunk of flawless emerald and some of those glow in the dark crystals
  1261. >She's a sweet horse
  1262. >You were happy to help out a friend
  1263. >She's got a big ol dumper too
  1264. >She'd be fine
  1265.  
  1266.  
  1267.  
  1268.  
  1269.  
  1270.  
  1271.  
  1272.  
  1273. 148 KB
  1274. 148 KB GIF
  1275. >You were just above the clouds, trying your best to hover
  1276. >You could see him
  1277. >The colt you had been watching for weeks
  1278. >The big green fella
  1279. >He had no wings, or magic to get get away from you
  1280. >He also didn't look up, as much colts did when mating season came around
  1281. >Perfect
  1282. >If you did this right you'd have a cute househusband all to yourself
  1283. >And you'd get it right; weeks and weeks of practicing would ensure that!
  1284. >He was at the edge of the marketplace, just a little green speck, talking to that dyke Rarity
  1285. >She might make things difficult if she noticed you, but she was no Twilight Sparkle when it came to magic
  1286. >If you were quick enough, maybe you could get out of her magical range before she did anything
  1287. >You puffed your chest out, taking a few deep breaths
  1288. >Alrighty...
  1289. >Letsbuckingdothis!
  1290. >With one last flap, you tucked your wings against your sides and began to fall
  1291. >You gained speed, having to squint as the wind whipped at your face
  1292. >Anon got bigger and bigger as you got closer to him
  1293. >This was the scariest part
  1294. >You weren't a good enough flyer to turn on a bit now with how fast you were going
  1295. >If he saw you, or anypony called out to him, you wouldn't be able to adjust
  1296. >Thankfully, thank Luna above, nopony noticed you, even as you came down at max speed
  1297. >Just when you were about to hit the ground behind him, you opened your wings and flapped as hard as you could
  1298. >For a moment, it felt like your eyes were going to fly out of your tailhole as the Gs hit you, but you slowed
  1299. >Your hooves hit the dirt road, and with another flap you launched yourself upward at the perfect angle to hook your forelegs under his armpits
  1300. >Now grinning, you flapped again, ready to lift him into the air
  1301. >Only to not go anywhere
  1302. "HHHHHGGGGGGGNNNNN!!!"
  1303. >Anon moved some, leaning forward mostly but you didn't lift him an inch
  1304. >Gritting your teeth, you flapped as hard as you could
  1305. >Holy hayseeds, what was this colt made of?
  1306. >You'd heard of hefty stallions, but this was something else!
  1307. "Come on... get your... butt up!"
  1308. >The human looked over his shoulder at you
  1309. >He didn't look particularly upset, just confused
  1310. >"Um... can I help you?"
  1311. >You just continued to flap your wings
  1312. "You can help me by not being so bucking fat, colt!" you replied
  1313. >The human frowned
  1314. >"Fat?" he said, brow furrowing
  1315. >Not only after that, you were dunked into the town's foundation
  1316. >In front of the whole town
  1317. >There were MANY laughing ponies
  1318. >Mare, did you bucking hate mating season...
  1319.  
  1320.  
  1321.  
  1322.  
  1323.  
  1324.  
  1325.  
  1326. >Be Deep Cider, badass extraordinaire
  1327. >It had taken 3 days of walking through the tunnels of Toll Domhainn to reach the surface.
  1328. >The usually heavy air felt cooler and fresher as you trotted along the ever steepening path with your companions.
  1329. >The froth of sweat you were so used to in the mines had yet to grace your thick burgundy coat.
  1330. >Though the weight of your horned helmet, a newly added symbol of your rank as a proud warrior of your people, began to put a crick in your neck.
  1331. >The huge wrought iron gates that cut the home of your people off from the world above loomed over you
  1332. >The old-husband's tales of the sunlight beyond the door turning you and your fellow Falabella ponies to stone stuck out in your mind.
  1333. >But you shrugged it off, you were a brave mare and those were just stories anyhow.
  1334. >Heck your spot among the group of diplomats and forgesmiths was hoof picked by the ForgeFathers as a reward for your bravery during the diamond dog raids on the southern coal mines.
  1335. >Your group of six were to meet with a group of Equestrians right outside the gates.
  1336. >Them delving down into your mountain home and yours climbing up to their mountain home.
  1337. >A mountain home, you remembered, that was on top of and outside of their mountain.
  1338. >The wrongness of that idea had popped up more than once during the trip.
  1339. >Finally the gates began to creep open.
  1340. >The brightness of the outside was intense to say the least, blinding even for nearly a whole minute.
  1341. >But when the white cleared from your eyes it was replaced by something even more bizare.
  1342. >6 mares stood before your group.
  1343. >6 of the tallest cunts you'd ever seen before in your life, they had to be almost twice your height.
  1344. >Although taking a longer look, you could see they were lanky as fuck.
  1345. >Falabellas are built like squares.
  1346. >Fluffy, stocky, sturdy, and built from good hard work.
  1347. >These mares were built like tool shafts.
  1348. >Thinner than your fathers soup, goddess bless his soul.
  1349. >And holy shit their tufts, you felt like a pornstar looking at them.
  1350.  
  1351. >Be Twilight
  1352. >Princess Celestia had asked you and your friends to be a part of a cultural exchange with the local dwar- er, Falabellas
  1353. >You were told not to use the d-word around them.
  1354. >It was hard not to though, seeing as how you were now surrounded by 6 of the little bastards.
  1355. >They had been laughing non stop, some even rolling on the ground, screeching about "lanky tuftletts" for about 10 minutes now.
  1356. >It's not even like yours was that small, was it?
  1357. >You have a bad feeling about this trip all of a sudden
  1358.  
  1359.  
  1360.  
  1361.  
  1362.  
  1363.  
  1364. >You grunted, throwing another shovelful of dirt
  1365. >You had been digging for around an hour, and a diamond dog you were not
  1366. >Even so, you were an earth pony
  1367. >A mare used to hard work, with a natural stubbornness to boot
  1368. >With grit and some colorful language, you had slung pounds and pounds of dirt, rock, and clay
  1369. >Your hole was around two ponies deep
  1370. >Since you were the one that made the hole, you knew how to get out of the thing
  1371. >A colt wouldn't be so lucky
  1372. >With their heads in the clouds, one would fall right in this bucking hole
  1373. >Then you'd have yourself a husband
  1374. >Just like how mom caught dad
  1375. >Leaning your shovel against the wall of the hole, you wiped the sweat from your brow
  1376. >Everything looked good
  1377. >It didn't look like it was going to fall in on itself
  1378. >You'd even cleared out most of the loose dirt too
  1379. >Mom had warned you about that; said dad was ornery for a month because his fall into the hole got his coat all dirty
  1380. >With a nod, you tossed the shovel out of the hole, then climbed out yourself
  1381. >It was Tartarus, and thank Celestia nopony was watching you make a fool of yourself, but you eventually managed to get out of the darn thing
  1382. >Dirt was piled up all around the hole
  1383. >You did your best to clear the road
  1384. >Colts weren't the brightest, but even they might notice a pile of dirt just sitting there
  1385. >With that done, you jumped into the nearest bush
  1386. >Now was the time for the hardest part
  1387. >The waiting
  1388. >An hour or two passed
  1389. >You had gone through a sandwich and five ciders waiting
  1390. >Any longer and you might need to run to the market to get another six pack
  1391. >Truly, this was a trail
  1392. >Thankfully, as you opened your sixth cider, a fish came toward your lure
  1393. >It was that alien fella
  1394. >Anon
  1395. >You could hear him whistling a happy tune to himself
  1396. "Oh!"
  1397. >Grinning, you hid in your bush until just your eyes were visible
  1398. >Anon was a bit skinny for your taste, but you could fatten him up a bit on the honeymoon
  1399. "Come on.. come to momma..."
  1400. >The human walked down the road at a pretty brisk pace, head in the cloud like any other colt
  1401. >To your glee, it looked like it was walking right in line with the hole
  1402. >Oh yeah mare...
  1403. >Glee turned into disappointment when he looked down just a foot or so from it
  1404. >Head cocking to the side, he frowned
  1405. >Shoot...
  1406. >Welp, maybe you'd get the next colt that went by...
  1407. >Your shoulders sagged as you took a sip of your cider
  1408. >Only to nearly sip it out as the human jumped into the hole
  1409. >Oh
  1410. >OH!
  1411. >We got a live one here, mare!
  1412. >The dummy had gotten himself in a place he couldn't get--
  1413. >...
  1414. >Oh, wait...
  1415. >Looking at him, you saw most of his upper body could be clearly seen
  1416. >He was looking down at the hole, puzzled
  1417. >"Why the fuck is this here?" he asked aloud. "Did those construction mares just wander off a site without putting anything up? Someone's gonna get hurt falling into this thing..."
  1418. >With that, he placed his hands on either side of the hole and hauled himself out of it
  1419. >This was too much for you
  1420. >A colt should stay in the hole dangit, especially if he jumped in there himself!
  1421. >With a huff, you leapt from the bush as he got to his feet
  1422. "Now you wait a cotton pickin' minute there, human! You get your butt back in that hole!" you said, pointing at said hole. "You get in there and let me get you out so we can get married!"
  1423. >Anon frowned
  1424. >"You dug this in the middle of the street?" he asked
  1425. "You're darn right I did!" you said with a proud stomp of your hoof
  1426. >Anon nodded, walking past you
  1427. >He bent down, picking up the shovel you had half hidden in your bush
  1428. >Giving you a not so friendly look, he tapped the flat of the shovelhead against a hand
  1429. >"I could have fallen and hurt myself, you know," he said flatly
  1430. "I don't give a--"
  1431. >He took a step toward you
  1432. >With a start, you realized your shovel looked like a foals' toy in his mammoth hands
  1433. "I, um, uh..."
  1434. >He beat your flank red with that shovel
  1435. >Then he made you fill that hole
  1436. >And, to add insult to injury, he beat your butt again
  1437. >If you were able to sit sometime next year you'd consider yourself lucky
  1438. >Colt even took your shovel, and chewed you out too
  1439. >Mare, did mating season suck salt...
  1440.  
  1441.  
  1442.  
  1443.  
  1444.  
  1445.  
  1446. >Changelings are seen as ultimate breeders, able to coax the maximum amount of love from a stallion, anything less than twins is completely unheard of.
  1447. >Mares are warned to not even try and compete in that regard lest they damage their health or that of their foals.
  1448. >In a herd situation the inclusion of a changeling can improve the health of everypony involved, as the excess amount of Love is converted into Ling-Honey, which has numerous health benefits when consumed both before and during pregnancies.
  1449. >Social dynamics usually hamper this somewhat, as the sheer difference in fertility means the stallion will naturally come to see the changeling as the 'alpha' of the group, regardless of dispositions or previous heirarchy.
  1450. >For this reason most changelings stay disguised even from their own herd, using slight of hoof and very mild misdirection magic to hide oddities such as putting honey into the food.
  1451. >The feelings are real, otherwise she wouldnt be fed nor produce the honey to share, but so is the stigma, and most changelings prefer not to risk the heartbreak
  1452.  
  1453.  
  1454.  
  1455.  
  1456.  
  1457.  
  1458.  
  1459. >Anon has a unicorn marefriend
  1460. >She doesn't think what she does is anything special, but Anon didn't grow up with magic as a part of his life
  1461.  
  1462. "Honey, we're running out of shampoo."
  1463. >"Anon, it's 2 in 1, just pour it into the empty bottle it came with."
  1464. >...
  1465. "HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?"
  1466. >"Magic. Honestly, it's cute how you get worked up about the littlest things."
  1467.  
  1468.  
  1469.  
  1470.  
  1471.  
  1472.  
  1473. >She's a duchess
  1474. >A war hero
  1475. >Maybe one of the more powerful magi currently living
  1476. >Her castle is deep in the mountains
  1477. >It had been standing over six hundred years, and not once had it fallen to a foe
  1478. >It was a big castle in northern Equestria, not a days ride to the Crystal Empire
  1479. >A lonely castle
  1480. >As wealthy and powerful as she was, Fleur could never find a colt that would want to stay with her for more than a few weeks
  1481. >Colts liked cities, the nightlife, things to do
  1482. >There was not too much there for her duchy
  1483. >Those nobles that lived in the cold, hard mountains were cousins or distant relatives
  1484. >Not suitable suitors; at least to her
  1485. >Those southern nobles were weaklings; too pompous and dignified to dirty their hands
  1486. >It was frustrating
  1487. >A frustration that no amount of fighting, hunting, or feasting could sooth
  1488. >But then you came
  1489. >A man from a different world so strange compared to her own
  1490. >The way you spoke was strange
  1491. >The way you moved was strange
  1492. >When you met her, you tried to hold the door open for her, like some young filly that had just gotten her first set of honor
  1493. >She had laughed, and never forgotten your face
  1494. >She made numerous trips to Canterlot, going out of her way to visit that bothersome city and those bothersome southerners just to see you
  1495. >Every little thing you did was fascinating, and you had such silly ideas as a stallion
  1496. >She invited you up to her castle, wishing you show you some of the countries' wildlands
  1497. >To her delight, you didn't seem to care much for city life, and agreed to join her
  1498. >Weeks passed
  1499. >She took you all through her lands
  1500. >You hunted, spoke with her little ponies
  1501. >She even allowed you to look through her families famous armory and library
  1502. >Every single day she woke up expecting you to ask to return to Canterlot, and every single day that didn't happen
  1503. >The castle staff began to warm up to you, as did the ponies surrounding the little town not far from the castle
  1504. >Many said that their lady looked so much happier with you around
  1505. >They had never seen the usually solemn and grim mare smile so much
  1506. >Even when the winter came, and the Wendigos came from the very far north to cause mischievous you didn't leave
  1507. >Not only did you not leave, you made snowponies with some of the castle's foals!
  1508. >You might have been a strange, alien stallion with an odd way of doing things, but the duchess wouldn't have you leave for all of the valuable suitors in her kingdom
  1509. >In fact, she was having scribes in Canterlot trying to find some sort of noble lineage in your family line
  1510. >If they couldn't--which was pretty much a guarantee since you weren't of this world--then they were told to make something up
  1511. >A noble such as herself couldn't just up and marry a commoner now, could she?
  1512. >She'd even give your mother a dowry fit for a prince, as it was the only proper thing to do
  1513.  
  1514.  
  1515. >She takes you back to Canterlot once
  1516. >It was for business, and she couldn't bare to leave you home
  1517. >Things were perfectly normal for the first few days
  1518. >She bought you all the fabric you wanted--you were learning how to sew from the castle's seamster-- as well as some other knick knacks
  1519. >While privately speaking with the princess, she was even congratulated on finding a nice stallion
  1520. >But then disaster struck
  1521. >A noble went and hit on you while Fleur was speaking to some old war buddies
  1522. >Fleur looked over at you just as the chubby, sleazy mare pinched your bottom
  1523. >She immediately borrowed a sword from a guard, stomping over to protect your honor
  1524. >The mare attempted to apologize
  1525. >Fleur wanted a duel to the death to settle matters
  1526. >Celestia attempted to step in, but the unicorn would not be calmed down
  1527. >You suggested the mare take you on a shopping spree to apologize, as well as "gift" you your weight in gold
  1528. >Fleur didn't like the idea, flat out refusing, but you were insistent
  1529. >The mare eagerly accepted, and the rest of your trip was on her pockets
  1530. >You, the poor mare, Fleur, and some guards Celestia sent to keep Fleur from murdering her fellow noble went out onto the town the next day, where you went on the stopping spree of the century
  1531. >Fleur's outrage turned to amusement as you nearly bankrupted the mare in two days
  1532. >Not buying jewelry or frilly things, but stuff that would help the castle out
  1533. >Different foodstuffs, paper, leather, types of gems and ore
  1534. >You had the made buy ten barrels of wine that Fleur loved, as well as got yourself a helmet from one of the finest armorers in the city, whose pieces cost a small fortune
  1535. >All the while, you had a troupe of singers follow you, dancing and making merry as they were given ten times the normal rate
  1536. >There was a lot of talk when you and Fleur went home with twenty wagons full of goods
  1537. >The noble who had dishonored you was now humbled to the core
  1538. >The rest of the nobility were amused to bits
  1539. >Celestia sent some fine chainmail for you from the armorer you had gotten the helmet from as a gift; a thank you for keeping her nobles from needlessly killing each other
  1540. >The ponies back at the castle were delighted with all the fabric, fruit, and gifts you had gotten for them
  1541. >Fleur was happy that you had not only taken things in stride, but had been exceedingly clever in dishing out a rightful punishment
  1542. >The next time the two of you went to Canterlot, and forever after, nobles would go out of their way to be as polite as possible with you
  1543. >Not for fear of Fleur, but of what you'd do to them
  1544.  
  1545.  
  1546.  
  1547.  
  1548.  
  1549.  
  1550. >Anon scrimps and saves in order to buy all the cards he needs from the new expansion to make a monster of a deck
  1551. >Fluttershy doesn't really play that much, but she has a stalling deck and uses it as an excuse to hang out Anon for as long as possible
  1552. >But his new deck wins before she can get the cards she needs to draw out the game
  1553. >Another mare at the card shop challenges him, and Fluttershy feels her mareliness points take a hit
  1554. >She dramatically decides that she will defeat Anon and finally ask him out on a date!
  1555. >But she hasn't tried winning a game for so long, she has a number of bad habits to break
  1556. >Anon isn't oblivious, but he does want to help her become more assertive
  1557. >He gets Pinkie and Rarity to help him assemble a number of disguises and decks so that Fluttershy has rivals and villains close enough to her level to fuel her growth as a duelist
  1558. >Admittedly, he and Rarity may have gotten a little drunk before designing the "Eeyore Valentine" costume, but Fluttershy' reaction to him pulling cards out of his ball bra was priceless
  1559. >With each game, Fluttershy learns more and more about mechanics, rules, strategies, and deck building
  1560. >Finally, a new expansion comes out and Fluttershy builds a meta deck all on her own
  1561. >She challenges Anon and finally defeats him, because he spent so much time and money building all those silly decks and chipping in on costume material costs that he didn't have enough to adapt to the new meta
  1562. >Fluttershy asks him out, and thanks him for helping her learn to play competitively
  1563. >And could he wear the Eeyore Valentine costume again? It was her favorite
  1564.  
  1565.  
  1566.  
  1567.  
  1568.  
  1569. >"Look mare, the tribes might be playing nice again but your 'Equestria' is never gonna work."
  1570. >"We dont care if your dad bucked a hornhead and you came out with a lightning rod on your face, no self respecting pegasi will ever accept a a filly of a leader so ashamed of her tuft she hides it behind a big neck thingy."
  1571. >Celestia has absolutely HAD IT with these stubborn mules.
  1572. >Having the Unicorns join? Easy, they were glad to foist the job of moving the sun and moon onto just two ponies, practically threw the crown jewels at her.
  1573. >Earth ponies, little bit harder since they all wanted little favours, but being a glorified delivery mare and gathering everypony for one big 'hoe-down' secured their inclusion.
  1574. >She's not sure about actually USING that gold plated Hoe they gave her, but that's something future Celestia can worry about, or Luna, she likes plants right?
  1575. >But these pegasi? Nothing.
  1576. >Steady payment? An insult.
  1577. >Discounts on things they trade for like food? Also an insult.
  1578. >The right to fly their cities in equestrian air space? 'Nopony owns the skies.' Insult.
  1579. >Traditional trial by combat? Apparently cheating because of her magic, also pretty insulting to even suggest.
  1580. >But this? This is HER being Insult-ed.
  1581. >('Be careful with the Ceremonial Torque')
  1582. >Ignoring her sisters whisper, Celestia unbuckles the big neck thingy and lets it drop to the ground.
  1583. >A few miles below, since they're on a cloud.
  1584. >Luna sighs and flies down through the hole to retrieve it.
  1585. >Snorting and stomping a hoof , she takes a deep breath and
  1586. >"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me you little mare?" I'll have you know..."
  1587.  
  1588. >A few minutes later Celestia touches down on the ground next to her sister.
  1589. >"They've accepted us as Royals and will be sending ponies over to our castle tomorrow to begin working out a long term weather schedule."
  1590. >Luna simply holds up the big neck thingy, the large PREVIOUSLY flawless gem in the middle now riddled with fractures.
  1591. >"Oh dont worry about that, i'm sure it can be fixed, we'll say a diamond dog snuck up on us.."
  1592. >The gem decides to take it's last moment to shine and promptly falls to pieces.
  1593. >"Did i say fixed? I meant replaced, because it was stolen by a dragon, i'm thinking a nice orange, or maybe purple? Purple sounds good
  1594.  
  1595.  
  1596.  
  1597.  
  1598.  
  1599.  
  1600.  
  1601.  
  1602. >Young Anonicorn thinks everyone follows what his mom says because she's the biggest and tallest.
  1603. >Said mother gets a kick out of puffing herself up bigger and asking 'the small ones' (the maids) to serve lunch.
  1604. >Laughter rings out from the dining hall as they crouch-walk back in with serving trays.
  1605. >Cadance arrives during lunch to take him for a nap and playdate, but he acts grumpy and wants to stay with his momma, asking her to make them listen.
  1606. >Being informed of the new rules of soverignty by Celestia, Cadence asks the nearby guard Shining to step over for a moment before promptly jumping on his back.
  1607. >To his credit, he barely flinches as she steadies herself, although a faint blush dusts his cheeks.
  1608. >Anons jaw drops to the floor as he looks between his boosted foalsitter and his mother, the latter shrugging helplessly.
  1609. >His wings buzz as he tries to fly up and sit on his mommas head, but quickly tires out and falls into the grasp of her magic.
  1610. >A quick nuzzle and shooshing later and he's passed over to Cadence, who settles him on her back before trotting off to the playroom
  1611.  
  1612.  
  1613.  
  1614.  
  1615.  
  1616.  
  1617. >Anonicorn always takes time out of his day to make sure the staff and guard in the castle know they are appreciated and valued, talking about their day and going around with batches of treats he's baked, etc.
  1618. >This makes him a magnet for changelings, and word gets around to go visit the prince if they ever need a snack.
  1619. >None of them tell the queen out of fear she'd do something stupid like order him captured.
  1620. >When the invasion happens a small squad break off to go keep him out of danger while disguised as guards.
  1621. >Decide to set up in the kitchen with other staff that managed to escape the attacks, and he suggests they make some food 'for when mom sorts all this out.'
  1622. >Hidden bugs start sweating nervously when Anon notices two of them accidently disguised as the same pony.
  1623. >Thankfully interrupted when some idiot ant-brains who dont remember the code phrases decide to attack their small party.
  1624. >Not thankfully, they showed off their shapeshifting and now the prince is confronting the two that had the same disguise, even though one of them tried to change in the confusion.
  1625. >"I only have one question and i want it answered honestly."
  1626. >They gulp nervously at the authority in his voice.
  1627. >"Chewy or Fudge brownies? Nopony ever tells me which one they like better."
  1628. >Nonplussed, they look at each other before one of them responds.
  1629. "Fudge can hold more love?"
  1630. >"Really? Great! I'll be sure to remember that, thanks."
  1631. >He suddenly hugs the changeling, focusing on the gratitude for protecting everypony in the room and tossing in some of his affection for mom too.
  1632. >The guard falls over the moment he lets go.
  1633. >"Err, are they going to be okay?"
  1634. "They'll be fine, just a sudden overdose."
  1635. >"Oh, alright, how many of you are there?
  1636. >Silence.
  1637. "Okay, that was a dumb question, can one of you go check on Auntie and bring her here? She's probably sleeping through this."
  1638. >He levitates a fruitbowl with pineapples over.
  1639. >"You'll need this, she gets cranky when woken up so early."
  1640. >Later, when the tied up changelings are blasted away by some sort of magic wall, it somehow phasing them through the physical walls in the way, his 'personal guard' look at each other in confusion before looking at him for orders.
  1641. >"That felt like cousin Cadence, i think its time for you all to sneak out before we have any more misunderstandings."
  1642. >They glance nervously at a glaring Princess Luna looming behind his shoulder, slowly chewing through a watermelon as if it were an apple.
  1643. >"Oh! And dont forget your brownies, i made a few for each of you."
  1644. >Feeling silly, they line up to recieve a hug and small paper bag before flying out the window.
  1645. >The last disappears right as some actual guard burst through the doors.
  1646. >Luna, still glaring, spits a pip into half full bowl next to her before barking orders at the guard.
  1647. >She thought her nephew miraculiously dodged the tendency for stallions ( and her sister) to be so whimsical, but now she sees it merely manifests in spectacular fashion
  1648.  
  1649.  
  1650.  
  1651.  
  1652.  
  1653.  
  1654. >Be Anon, having finished playing basketball with Dash and Spitfire in your new shorts
  1655. >The first time, they were filthy cheaters, launching with a flap of their wings and hovering to block your shot
  1656. >The watermark of Air-bud superimposed itself over your vision as they explained there wasn't a rule against flying
  1657. >Under threat of bringing Twilight on your team, they agreed to having their wings bound
  1658. >They acted kinda funny the next time, sniffing at your belts as you fastened them around their wings and barrel
  1659. >They still had mad jumping skills, since pegasi only weigh a quarter pounder, but they couldn't hover and that is what's important
  1660. >When you sat down for a water break, you noticed them eyeing your shorts for some reason
  1661. >For the rest of the time you were playing, you kept picking up moments where they would try and look up your shorts
  1662. >It's... not a bad feeling, but you feel like teaching them a lesson
  1663. >Rarity was ecstatic to work on your design, perhaps because of the diamond motif?
  1664. >You wonder if you accidentally flirted with her
  1665. >Regardless, you told the pegasi you were going to take a nap after the latest game, and settled down on the grass
  1666. >It's disappointing how quickly they start nosing around
  1667. >After five minutes, you can feel their breaths on your thighs
  1668. >The stiff material shifts as they push closer to your crotch
  1669. >Okay, that's enough
  1670. "Boo!"
  1671. >The mares yelp and try to back out, but your shorts constrict, trapping their snouts against your thighs
  1672. "Caught you red handed!"
  1673. >The mares are blushing and making muffled alarmed horse noises, flapping their wings
  1674. >To your alarm, you feel yourself start to lift off
  1675. >Dash and Spits frantically take to the skies rump first while you dangle from their snouts
  1676. "Hey! Stop that!"
  1677. >No use
  1678. >They are panicking, eyes rolling back in their heads
  1679. >As the three of you climb higher and higher, you just accept it
  1680. >This is how you go, dying from dumb horses caught in a chinese pervert trap shorts
  1681. >You barely clear the rooftop to an apartment building when it happens
  1682. >The mares crash into the wall of the roof access, their snouts pushing deep into your shorts and jostling your balls a little painfully
  1683. >Finally released, you fall about a foot onto your back and grunt in pain
  1684. >You really didn't think this through
  1685. >You sit up slowly, watching the mares come to their senses
  1686. "You two are the worst."
  1687. >Rainbow laughs nervously
  1688. >"Haha, sorry, I just wasn't thinking."
  1689. >Spits nods
  1690. >"As her superior officer, I will accept all responsibility for injuries you received in this...accident."
  1691. >You raise an eyebrow
  1692. "What about sexually assaulting me in my sleep?"
  1693. >She pales and swallows
  1694. >"I-uh, I'll take full responsibility, or if you don't want that, I'll hoof the bill for your wedding, as well as whatever you think is necessary."
  1695. >You shake your head
  1696. "Why did you even do it in the first place? I thought we were friends."
  1697. >Spits and Dash slump guiltily
  1698. >Dash swallows
  1699. >"Well, you were wearing shorts. That's pretty much an invitation."
  1700. >You aren't impressed
  1701. >Spitfire looks at you skeptically
  1702. >"You weren't trying to tease us with baggy clothes that leave too much to the imagination?"
  1703. >You facepalm
  1704. "No, no I was not."
  1705. >Rainbow stares at you in confusion
  1706. >"Then why were you wearing shorts every time we hung out?"
  1707. >You shrug
  1708. "They're comfy and easy to wear."
  1709.  
  1710.  
  1711.  
  1712.  
  1713.  
  1714.  
  1715. >Be Bon Bon, secret agent in retirement
  1716. >Well, no secret agent truly retires, but you did get a cushy monitoring position in ponyville
  1717. >It seems the human spends a lot of time on his slabtop, and you get the job of monitoring his interweb activity
  1718. >You have never seen such filthiness
  1719. >Hoofholding videos
  1720. >Long debates in forums and comment sections over interspecies sexual compatibility
  1721. >Founding a cult of "Sunlords" filled with nothing but long-winded sexual and domestic fantasies regarding your grossly incandescent leader
  1722. >No treasonous activity, just perversity from dawn to dusk and deep into Luna's night
  1723. >And the things he draws and uploads
  1724. >Marehoods in the place of a hoof's frog
  1725. >Cancerously large teats on mares
  1726. >Mares in coltish, provocative poses
  1727. >It's enough to drive you to drink
  1728. >You have even caught yourself looking under Lyra's tail
  1729. >Just another day in Her Majesty's service
  1730.  
  1731.  
  1732.  
  1733.  
  1734.  
  1735.  
  1736. >Put 2 and 2 together and realize they are free.
  1737. >Put together increasingly unsustainable plans of world domination and becoming the alphas of the giga-herd across equestria.
  1738. >take quite a while before they realize they don't have any skills except eating the lawn, pulling things, and carrying anon.
  1739. >mooch off him by taking turns sleeping in his house.
  1740. >lose a lot of time through this habit, actually. Ponies still feel alien but they just 'know' each other.
  1741. >They get shit about it when they walk around, but can't care because those pozzers just don't know how to be the alpha anyway.
  1742. >Anon basically treats them as he use to, if talking a bit more. He doesn't care about their mooching because it's the same as it use to be, really. And he still thinks of them as pets as much as... 'herd-mates', or whatever ponies keep calling them.
  1743. >Plus, they're only, like, 10. Even if their bodies match adult ponies here, they just don't have their faculties yet.
  1744. >Tries to pay for any damage they do, keep them reigned in, etc.
  1745. >Ponies, meanwhile, are pretty appalled at them.
  1746. >Treating their stallion like a cook and housekeeper, and even making him slave away to pay for their bad behavior.
  1747. >They seemingly DGAF about most things, think property is a meme, don't understand the concept of law, and have an incredibly unusual obsession with those big yoga balls.
  1748. >And they've got NO clue what a cutiemark is.
  1749. >Fucking weirdos is what they are.
  1750. >But Anon swears up and down they're fine, just... maladjusted to Equestria.
  1751. >So nopony's decked them... yet.
  1752.  
  1753.  
  1754.  
  1755.  
  1756.  
  1757.  
  1758. >Someway, somehow, your entire home is yanked into RGRE, and your internet connection isn't severed.
  1759. >After some convincing and a few people confirming that your entire house vanished from it's spot, you single handedly become the most famous person alive by being the first one to contact aliens.
  1760. >Everyone is desperate to know what this technicolor world is like, and the more details you feed them, the more they want.
  1761. >Feminists swoon over a matriarchal society, conveniently ignoring the unpleasant parts to like how mares are soldiers, sanitation workers, construction workers etc.
  1762. >Many men sneer at the thought of being the 'lesser' gender, or being a 'furry', but the supreme abundance of female attention makes some reconsider.
  1763. >And A LOT of obvious feds ask things about Equestria's defense, what kind of resources do they have, how you got there, how would they get there, etc.
  1764. >But recently you haven't had much time to shit post, because a dedicated marefriend is much more fun
  1765.  
  1766.  
  1767.  
  1768.  
  1769.  
  1770.  
  1771.  
  1772. >You run a half-hearted youtube vlog by popular demand.
  1773. >Millions of subs in days, and before a month is out you're in the top 10 by sub count.
  1774. >Millions of views per video no matter what it is.
  1775. >One was just you laying down in the park watching pegasi fly. It got 20 million views in just under a week.
  1776. >Usually you keep anything personal out of the videos, but the most famous one, though?
  1777. >It's you, sitting in your darkened living room at midday. In your lap is a tiny foal, barely bigger than a kitten, and you're quietly feeding her with a bottle.
  1778. >You smile and with your free hand, hold up a bit of paper to the camera.
  1779. >It's a birth certificate.
  1780. >A birth certificate for your daughter, with you clearly labeled as the father.
  1781. >"Suprised me too when my wife said she was pregnant almost a year back," you smile as you explain in a hushed voice. "Magic is some wild stuff, and it bridged the biological gap like it wasn't even there."
  1782. >Your little filly finishes the bottle and curls up with her little muzzle pressed to your torso, already falling asleep.
  1783. "I don't think I'll be uploading as often anymore, but I'm sure you all understand," you say, reaching for the camera.
  1784. >The video is less than 30 seconds long and would be the last one you ever upload. It blew past a billon views in just 3 weeks
  1785.  
  1786.  
  1787. >You don't stop there.
  1788. >A lot of people called the video a hoax, but you upload a few more here and there, and everyone crying hoax is pretty swiftly silenced.
  1789. >A short video when your daughter can fully open her eyes. It's just a few seconds of you kissing her cheek as she giggles and baps your nose with a tiny hoof, but it shows that you and she have the same eye color.
  1790. >One where a sulking Rainbow is on the couch with an icepack between her legs, then you move the camera to your daughter.
  1791. >"Say 'Ahhhh' honey."
  1792. >The little filly opens her mouth wide, showing off a few teeth beginning to come in. Among them are sharp canines.
  1793. >"Guess we gotta start weening a little early."
  1794. >Another is during a doctor's visit.
  1795. >"So Spectra is having some trouble gripping things with her hooves," you mutter, the camera trained on a few MRI prints of a filly. "Something didn't hybridize well, so she's trying to use fingers that she doesn't have. Doc says no prob, she's just gotta train herself to use her hooves is all. Wild stuff, magic."
  1796.  
  1797.  
  1798. "Awwww Luna, look at the adorable human, he's been 'ruling' his country for a hoofful of years"
  1799. >"Is that what he calls it? We would call it fumbling"
  1800. "Sister, don't be rude, we're guests on this stream remember"
  1801. >"Celestia, there is a colt claiming to be the 'leader of the free world' are you sure this is a stream and not a comedy act"
  1802. "Luna, please don't insult Anon's peoples"
  1803. >>"Oh no no, Luna please continue, this is better than I could have hoped for"
  1804. >"Fantastic, now listen humans, let me tell you why stallions like you belong in the kitchen"
  1805.  
  1806.  
  1807.  
  1808.  
  1809. >You start the stream a little early to run a test, then forget to turn it off.
  1810. >A tide of viewers comes in.
  1811. >Celestia and Luna fly in and you welcome them inside with a traditional pony greeting, AKA a hug.
  1812. >You, Rainbow, Celestia, and Luna talk for a short bit.
  1813. >Your daughter wanders in. Celestia, who shines at seeing Spectra, lays down on her belly so she can play with the little filly, much to Luna's exasperation.
  1814. >You decide that makes for a good time to actually talk about the stream, and when Luna agrees, everyone settles into a cuddle-pile.
  1815. >Rainbow, as your alpha (and only) mare, takes your left side so you are on her right. Celestia (still holding your daughter) takes your right, as the highest-ranked mare who isn't of the household. She could have demanded being on your left if she felt like it, however, considering her royal status trumps that of the mare-of-the-house. Luna, ever so serious, takes the defensive spot laying across yours, Celestia's, and Rainbow's backs.
  1816. >The guards meanwhile cuddle close around the outside of the pile, forming a defensive ring of ponies.
  1817. >You tell everyone what to expect, who will be attending, what questions might come across as insensitive, etc.
  1818. >This isn't one of your 30-second shitposts or a poorly edited video without any explanation as to what is going on, but a REAL look at Equestrian dynamics that everyone gets to see. The watching scientists and sociologists are absolutely raving.
  1819. >When the conversation is over, everyone remains cuddled for several minutes to reaffirm the friendly bonds between everyone, then slowly separates.
  1820. >When you look back at the computer, you realize the stream has been going the entire time.
  1821. >Oops...
  1822.  
  1823.  
  1824.  
  1825.  
  1826. >You are happily married to Principal Celestia
  1827. >Your son Incognito is a good lad, if a bit nerdy and a stickler for the rules
  1828. >Your precautions pay off initially
  1829. >When the magic demon girl starts throwing fire around, he is the first to leave the area
  1830. >However, you underestimated one thing:
  1831. >The allure of bad girls trying to be good
  1832. >He gets a crush on Sunset
  1833. >She only starts to notice when the sirens transfer in and pick up on the potential for discord
  1834. >They aggressively flirt with Incognito, and Sunset white knights somewhat effectively
  1835. >Incognito wants the girls to get along, so he asks you to DM for the group
  1836. >So here you are, trying to plan out a campaign hard enough to make them work together, but fun enough that Incognito isn't miserable while they squabble and backstab each other
  1837. >The things you do for family
  1838.  
  1839.  
  1840.  
  1841.  
  1842.  
  1843. >Anon gets some Equestria magic exposure
  1844. >A shrill voice echoes in his soul
  1845. "I'm going to kiss all the girls!"
  1846. >He starts wearing tight and revealing clothes
  1847. >More and more girls are unnaturally besotted with him
  1848. >Twilight and friends are suspicious, but Sunset is insistent that this is normal
  1849. >She's entirely unaffected by his magic, doesn't even join in on the yu gi oh tournament Anon organizes among the besotted
  1850. >She just likes watching herding courtships again after so long
  1851.  
  1852.  
  1853.  
  1854.  
  1855.  
  1856.  
  1857.  
  1858. >When Anon insists on going to class dressed without a testicle bra
  1859. >There's an obvious bulge in his pants that jiggles when he walks but he doesn't care
  1860. >tfw half the teachers are uncomfortable when he's in the room because nobody needs a student-teacher relationship scandal under their skirts
  1861. >tfw your only male friend thinks fashion is for fags, robbing you of the unique intricacies of the male human mind
  1862. >tfw he keeps making you lunch because you apparently work yourself too hard in between schoolwork and your part-time job sewing and don't get enough to eat
  1863. >tfw you want to give him a big hug (making sure he's careful with the hair) because of your dumb teenage hormones but you're pretty sure he'd hate you forever if you ever did that
  1864. >Why are boys so confusing
  1865.  
  1866.  
  1867.  
  1868.  
  1869.  
  1870.  
  1871.  
  1872. >Be Prince Anon
  1873. >You were send across the mirror to check up on Sunset first hand as your first solo diplomatic mission
  1874. >Mother finally allowed it after you and Twilight convince her that it was safe enough
  1875. >Aunt Luna still though it was a terrible idea, but you will prove that you can do it
  1876. >Once in the other side you are hit with how uncanny similar this world is to the nightmares you used to have
  1877. >Ignore that Anon, focus on the mission
  1878. >You have no problems in find Sunset friends after a few questions
  1879. >You present yourself as one of Twilight’s friend
  1880. > As a precaution you’ll keep your true title in secret for now
  1881. >After some small talk some of then try flirt you a little
  1882. >There pinkie even put her hoo- hand you your shoulder
  1883. >Mares, just like Blueblood said
  1884. >He said you should cut them right there, but they seem so nice
  1885. >Play around and humor them a little can’t be that bad
  1886. -
  1887. >Be sunset
  1888. >You talk a bit with Twilight through the diary, just confirming that Anon was who he said he was
  1889. >Now you are terrified
  1890. >You and your friends threw a bunch of shit one liners at him
  1891. >You let Pinkie touch him
  1892. >And Rarity
  1893. >The bucking sperg ask him for a peck in the cheek
  1894. >Celestia will come to this world to kick your ass you herself
  1895. >Can she even throw you in this world moon ?
  1896. -
  1897. >Be Anon in the next day
  1898. >See a really big woman that remember you from your mother, and she also gives you a very weird feeling
  1899. >You try to say hi to her, but she made a U-turn the moment she saw you
  1900. >You follow her to her car thing
  1901. >The moment she turns that machines engine on you start having a panic attack
  1902. >You have no idea of what magic was that, but Sunset had to restrain you
  1903. -
  1904. >Be principal Celestia
  1905. >It can’t be, he looks just like him
  1906. >Have your son returned to haunt you ? Was because you forget to light him a candle in the last dia de los mourtos?
  1907. >No, no, it just a superstition
  1908. >Luna can take care of the school by the rest of the day
  1909. .
  1910. .
  1911. .
  1912. >He is following you, you need to get to your car fast
  1913. >You turn to engine on, looking to the window you see Sunset grappling him
  1914. >You never thought you would be happy seeing her doing that, but you need to flee
  1915. >Time to go home and drown yourself in cheap booze
  1916.  
  1917.  
  1918.  
  1919.  
  1920.  
  1921.  
  1922.  
  1923. >You are Twilight in your element, not that it helps
  1924. >You had felt it in your bones, that Starlight and Anon marrying would be giving you headaches for years to come
  1925. >But you are a good friend and consequently best mare at the wedding
  1926. >But now...
  1927. >Starlight had illustrated the problem on a whiteboard, with pages copied from Starswirl's seminal (haha nice) treatise on temporal paradoxes
  1928. >Of course, it was Anon's idea in the first place
  1929. >The whimsy of that stallion...
  1930. "So, you are trying to figure out how to report income you stole from your future selves."
  1931. >Anon nods
  1932. >"It's not like I will have been using it, so why shouldn't I have it now?"
  1933. >Glimmer nods along with him, the menace
  1934. "Look, if we are very lucky, then you will have spent it all before next year, and none of the bits will make their way into your stash hidden in the mattress. Which is irrational, just use a bank for Celestia's sake!"
  1935. >Glimmer rolls her eyes
  1936. >"Banks are for ponies that aren't archwizards and can't protect their wealth."
  1937. >Anon smiles affectionately at his wife
  1938. >"That's my mare. No way the griffins will adulterate our bits now. Besides, I asked, and Celestia doesn't mind."
  1939. >You rub your temples as the mad pair makes cooing noises at each other
  1940. "Right, okay, fine. Not even going to touch your conspiracy theory nonsense, it's not important. The fact is, money obtained from the future is technically not income, so it won't be taxed. However, to preserve temporal integrity, you will have to have all bits you receive for the next year changed out from the royal treasury. I'm not going to let you accidentally introduce a bit into runaway entropic processes and blow up the whole town. Again."
  1941. >Starlight doesn't meet your eyes, and Anon grins weakly, no doubt trying to use his masculine wiles to get his wife out of trouble
  1942. >Yeah, no
  1943. "To that end, I'll be issuing geass-pendants to make sure you actually perform the necessary exchanges. Don't you bucking dare try to remove them before the timelines sync up again."
  1944. >Starlight scrunches
  1945. >"Ugh, this is going to be so tedious."
  1946. >You huff
  1947. "Should have thought of that before turning to time travel for financial gain."
  1948.  
  1949.  
  1950.  
  1951.  
  1952.  
  1953.  
  1954. >Sugar is alcohol to ponies
  1955. >Anon has mares over to chat and supplies them with a plate of cookies
  1956. >Some ponies go just for the free sugar
  1957. >Other ponies feel bad for Anon because they believe he thinks he's so hopeless that he has to bribe ponies with horse-booze just to have friends hang out with him
  1958. >One or two thinks he's trying to get some puss by throwing a party
  1959. >Either way, Anon ends his get-togethers with a bunch of stumbling, slurring mares who try to start hoof-fights with each other and naturally end the evening in cuddle puddles
  1960. >Anon thinks they're just getting drowsy and gets them blankets so that they can nap
  1961.  
  1962.  
  1963.  
  1964.  
  1965.  
  1966.  
  1967. >Be you
  1968. >Cholo Anon last time you checked eh
  1969. >Cruisin through the market place playing some tunes
  1970. >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvyTjkRGjlc [Open]
  1971. >The amount of catcalls and attention you get here gives you a good idea of how all those women back home felt when your brothers and cousins would do it to them
  1972. >You didn't know no better though, you were just a little mijo, you were their chickmagnet when cruising, too
  1973. >It was nice at first, but like, fuckin A homes..none of them want to get know the real you
  1974. >Chh, you're soundin all emotional an shit, bro, how else are they supposed to get your attention and let you know they're intereste-
  1975. >"P-Pardon me, sir, b-but could I ask you something?"
  1976. >Maaaan..
  1977. >This lil pony is too cute to say whatever she's about to say to you
  1978. >'Orale', pony, whas good?'
  1979. >"Um I-I was just wondering h-how far those socks go up?"
  1980. >Mhmm yup, too cute to be askin that shit
  1981. >You lift up your leg a little so that your shorts ride up slightly
  1982. >'Ionno..maybe they just keep going all the way up, chula..'
  1983. >The cute little pony unties the ascot around her neck and dabs at her forehead
  1984. >Guess that song you heard by Pone Thugs N' Elements was right; the 3 constants in life will always be taxes, death, an mares actin' crazy
  1985.  
  1986.  
  1987.  
  1988.  
  1989.  
  1990.  
  1991.  
  1992.  
  1993. >Anon is a legitimately talented engineer and scientist. A once-in-a-century man.
  1994. >It was a self-made Einstein-Rosen bridge he was testing that sucked him into RGRE.
  1995. >With the lack of all the social issues that plagued earth, he decides he's not going back.
  1996. >It's easy to put his talents to work in a field acceptable for a stallion to have interest in, like making toys for young fillies and colts.
  1997. >He wishes he could continue his work, but almost no one will provide funding for a male with unproven work.
  1998. >Before long, he marries and settles down.
  1999. >His waifu sees his knowledge is being wasted and offers to sign everything herself to secure the funding he wants
  2000. >Anon, who could care less about recognition, happily agrees.
  2001. >When the expected waves start being made and the academic community comes looking for answers, it's Waifu's name on all the patents.
  2002. >She gets tons and tons of invites to events, conventions, and even the Grand Galloping Gala by Princess Celestia herself.
  2003. >While she's picked up bits of jargon from Anon, she's no engineer and doesn't even know how half this stuff works.
  2004. >And all of these ponies want to meet "the mind behind the machines".
  2005. >It was then that she realized she's boned
  2006.  
  2007. >Spicy Breeze has a special talent in bullshittery.
  2008. >Give her a story and she'll run with it across equestria and back before anyone realises she's talking hot air.
  2009. >It's how she landed Anon actually, she showed a genuine interest in his tinkering and managed to convince him she had similar knowledge.
  2010. >Until he hurt his hand one day and she unthinkingly offered to help him finish some toys.
  2011. >Tears of frustration may have been shed, along with a minor breakdown when he came along to check her progress and found the various amateur attempts, certainly not the work of someone with a similar knowledge base.
  2012. >Sadly confesses to being interested in him and what he does, but doesnt really understand a whole lot of the details, she just kept lying because she thought he wouldn't be interested in a boring mare like her that doesnt have a similar talant to his, or even one that's practical.
  2013. >Somethingsomething sappy makeup scene, he doesnt mind that she doesnt know things but would rather she didnt lie to him or herself, offers to teach her so she can put her bits where he banter is.
  2014. >Slow going because she doesnt have a talent for it but she's making progress, enough soon that she floats the idea of putting some of his more serious work out there under her name in order to get him more funding
  2015.  
  2016.  
  2017.  
  2018.  
  2019.  
  2020.  
  2021.  
  2022. >tfw rararara wants to speak with your mother to ask your hoof in marriage
  2023. >tfw she expects your mom to be holding a crossbow
  2024. >tfw she sees that your mom actually acts like a real dyke, cooking and cleaning and whining like some colt
  2025. >tfw she then sees your little sister, who wants to immediately take her into her room for "dress up"
  2026. >tfw while Rarity doesn't have an issue with dressing up--she makes clothes for a living after all--your sister's room looks like a colt's room
  2027. >tfw she's worried you lived in a "tolerant" household
  2028. >tfw she thinks your mom and dad are trying to make your sister a lesbian, and you a queer
  2029. >tfw she's a hardline business mare that loves her crossbows and lives in a very conservative town
  2030. >tfw she doesn't even want to ask your mom, or invite your family to your wedding if they're a bunch of weirdos that want to chop colts willies off and say they're mares, like some fucking gryphon degenerate
  2031. >tfw she really just hopes this is a weird human thing she doesn't totally understand
  2032. >tfw she really still feels like she needs to ask your mom for permission, since that was what she was taught, liking your family or not
  2033. >tfw she feels bad about it
  2034. >tfw she's really worried about screwing this up
  2035.  
  2036.  
  2037.  
  2038.  
  2039.  
  2040.  
  2041.  
  2042. >5 years into Twilight's reign
  2043. >Celestia opens the doors with her magic
  2044. >She hadn't retired
  2045. >She just wanted an excuse to do everything on her bucket list
  2046. >But it only took her five years to do it
  2047. >The only reason she thought that she needed to retire is because she thought it was a lot longer
  2048. >It turn outs that when you sit on a bucket list of things you want to do for a thousand years, your mind makes them seem bigger than they actually are
  2049. >So here she was, back in Canterlot and ready to get back to work
  2050. >She comments that Twilight has started looking weird and forcibly shrinks her back down to her old size and takes back her regalia
  2051. >Before Twilight can get a word out she's teleported to Ponyville
  2052. >Her old castle is gone
  2053. >Her school is gone
  2054. >Turns out the latest entries on Celestia's list was to burn them both down
  2055. >But Celestia would never leave her faithful student homeless, so she got Twilight a new treebary
  2056.  
  2057.  
  2058.  
  2059.  
  2060.  
  2061.  
  2062. >Anon is a brilliant inventor
  2063. >The only problem is, all of his inventions constantly get stolen by Starlight
  2064. >Nopony believes him when he tries to prove her guilt no matter how much evidence there is
  2065. >So he decides to retaliate by building progressively dumber things to try and tarnish her reputation
  2066. >Starlight just credits Anon to avoid the blame
  2067. >Ironically, one of his stupid inventions ended up creating world peace
  2068. >Who would've known the slap chop was so effective
  2069.  
  2070.  
  2071.  
  2072.  
  2073.  
  2074.  
  2075.  
  2076.  
  2077. >Anon passes through the hall of art in Canterlot Castle
  2078. >It's filled with depictions of the 2 sisters from back when they first became princesses to the present day
  2079. >Starts off with mineral pigments taken straight from the earth
  2080. >Then oil paintings and sculptures as Equestrian society enters its renaissance
  2081. >Luna disappears from the art for a significant chunk of time, but not the full 1000 years of her banishment
  2082. >For about 200 years or so after the date of her banishment, Luna appears in various works of art to represent tragedy and sorrow
  2083. >Ponies loved both of their leaders, and they have far longer memories of their second ruler than they do of Nightmare Moon
  2084. >The most modern of art forms to hit Equestria is ironic art
  2085. >After walking through a breathtaking room full of ancient and priceless art, Anon is a bit put off by the sight of a rather... interesting piece depicting Luna's banishment
  2086. >Clearly, the artist took some artistic licenses
  2087. >The only reason it's there is because, of all the art depicting her in relation to her banishment, this is the only one that makes Luna laugh every time she sees it.
  2088. >"Yea verily, sir Anonymous! Canst thou see mine angled jaw, and the way we dangle from our moon? Observe the depiction of our sister's grimace of consternation! Most amusing. We have spilled many a drink of wine from our merry chortling whilst allowing our mind to wander back to this piece of art."
  2089.  
  2090.  
  2091.  
  2092.  
  2093.  
  2094.  
  2095.  
  2096. >tfw you and the boys are able to leave your busy households once a week for a guy's day
  2097. >tfw your mares think you all just spend the whole day shopping and giggling and drinking wine coolers
  2098. >tfw you all actually just sit around, traumatized, telling each other of the stupid, borderline mental shit your girls get up to each day while drinking very heavily
  2099. >And you mean some dumb shit
  2100. >One of your girls, an earth pony, tried to fly using fireworks, a garbage can, some cardboard wings, and twenty pounds of gun powder to settle a bet with the neighbor
  2101. >tfw she saw no issue with this, and argued with you when you tried to get her to stop, which ended in your front yard being destroyed, your eyebrows and her tail being burnt off, and her sleeping on the couch for the next month
  2102. >tfw you have no idea how the fuck mares became the dominate gender on this planet
  2103. >or how any are alive at all
  2104.  
  2105.  
  2106.  
  2107.  
  2108.  
  2109.  
  2110. >Anon writes sexy smut novels that are extremely popular with mares.
  2111. >His first published book 'the Magic of Lust' is very popular with those that are literate.
  2112. >He writes under some ridiculous alias like 'Richard N. Bowls' or 'E.N. Ward' and the only one who knows Anon wrote the books is his publicist; A mare named 'Up Tight.'
  2113. >She is an avid reader of his word for a multitude of reasons, and is constantly being flirted with by Anon leading to some very steamy 'content.'
  2114. >It only gets even hotter when she reads about some of these escapades in Anons next novel.
  2115. >Graphic, animalistic, and drives the mares wild in all the right ways
  2116.  
  2117.  
  2118.  
  2119.  
  2120.  
  2121.  
  2122. >he hasn't surrounded his house with strategic and comedically placed traps
  2123. i get free entertainment every dusk. the ones you have to watch out for are the ones who have more cocklust than fruitlust, but that can usually be remedied by slathering a little semen on a few of the traps. let me tell you there's nothing quite like watching half a dozen bat mares fight over a cum-glazed mango only to fall into a tree-sap filled pit
  2124. if you really want to live dangerously, though, cultivate a poison joke patch, throw a mango or two into it and place bets with your stallion friends on what that night's joke is going to be
  2125.  
  2126.  
  2127.  
  2128.  
  2129.  
  2130.  
  2131.  
  2132. >You have an unhealthy weakness for certain foods:
  2133.  
  2134. >Hummus
  2135. >Key lime pie
  2136. >Cheesecake
  2137. >Chocolate mousse
  2138. >Blueberries with whipped cream
  2139.  
  2140. >You can't eat nearly as much of them as you want, because they're all immensely fattening, and you like being fit.
  2141.  
  2142. >What's a man to do?
  2143.  
  2144. >Then you find out that pony pussy tastes like food.
  2145.  
  2146. >A few discreet want ads and a lot of pussy-eating later, and you have a herd capable of slaking your flavor cravings.
  2147.  
  2148. >Too bad that Tree Hugger, Limestone Pie, Moondancer, Octavia, and Delta Vee make for a very conflicted herd when they can pry your face out from between their legs.
  2149.  
  2150. >You'll just have to keep them constantly full of baby centaurs.
  2151.  
  2152. >Addendum: Having a total soupslut for a stallion sounds great, but Anon's craving for flavored marecum is insatiable. He's actually now 10% squash soup by volume. His herd has duties and responsibilities outside the bedroom. (Well, except for Tree Hugger.) They can't spend all their time getting eaten out. What do?
  2153.  
  2154.  
  2155.  
  2156.  
  2157.  
  2158.  
  2159.  
  2160. >Anon with discords powers decides to go full shitposting supervillian.
  2161. >Confronted by the mane6 in his lair, he slowly spins around in his big comfy chair while stroking the white pussy in his arms.
  2162. >"Ah, ladies, i've been, expecting you. How have you been?"
  2163. >Twilight, a flustered angry mess, guess she doesnt get off that much to being used as a book holder.
  2164. >Fluttershy, kinda bored looking, which is mildly concerning considering he lost track of her pussy yesterday in the pit of horrors.
  2165. >Rarity, blushing like a tomato, giving out cute little eeps and gasps in time with his motions.
  2166. >Ponka, holding up a sign saying [Can i get another cracker] which you graciously oblige by holding it up to your shoulder for her mouth to munch on, she can be so much more polite when it isnt flapping all over the place, he hopes she doesnt mind all the swear words he taught it.
  2167. >AJ looks absolutely livid, pretty odd, you'd think she'd be happy her pussy was able to win the "Kingdoms best cowgirl" competion. Maybe she's just a sore loser but 4th is nothing to cry over.
  2168. >Rainbow dash has a glazed look in her eyes, tail flagged as high as possible as her body twitches.
  2169. >Anon grunts as Rainbow dash gives a contented groan as her eyes cross and a dopey smile crosses her face.
  2170. >"Hey Twilight, how many is that now, i've lost count."
  2171. >She responds through gritted teeth '37.'
  2172. >"Ah right right, so. Did you want the tour?"
  2173. >With a scream from Bookhorse and Applehorse the battle ensued, it was very violent, very lewd and very silly, the less said about the phallusiraptor the better
  2174.  
  2175.  
  2176.  
  2177.  
  2178.  
  2179.  
  2180. >mango suppressor.
  2181. >High standards bat wife thinks ponyville is far too loose with its propriety, and often gets mad at mares flirting with Anon even when she's stood right there.
  2182. >There are proper rules for courting herds and these cunts with legs only want her big handsome human because he's exotic and male and REEEEEE-!
  2183. >Anon reaches into his bag and sticks a fruit in his wifes open mouth.
  2184. >If he's honest the constant flirting is getting to him too, he cant just find it in himself to be mean to the little mares when they look so adorable.
  2185. >It's not like they hold a candle to his wife anyway, after their honeymoon he cant help but look at most other mares attempts at being sexy like they're little children playing at being adults.
  2186. >the sheer aura of smug suddenly radiating from his wife as she nibbles her fruit, matched with a palpable feeling of emaresculation coming from every other female in the marketplace informs the human that he might have been talking outloud again
  2187.  
  2188.  
  2189.  
  2190.  
  2191.  
  2192.  
  2193.  
  2194. >Anon arrives in equestria the same day Twilight screws up all her friends cutie marks.
  2195. >Arrives at the libary just as she finishes the spell and all the elements start firing.
  2196. >Runs in and rips the crown off her head and punts her out of the blast zone with a 'Sorry!' as the magic envelops him.
  2197. >Error 404 pone not found, Harmony override, running diagnostic.
  2198. >Target friendship status: 0
  2199. >Mana levels: Low, compensating.
  2200. >Chaos influence: Minimal, neutralising.
  2201. >Harmonic influence: Negligible.
  2202. >(????) influence: High
  2203. >Analysing
  2204. >"Wow this hurts maybe you should kill yourself, or everyone around you, start flailing and you could do both, its certainly taking its sweet time painpainpain rhymes with train which probably wouldn't hurt as much since at least it'd be quick and sudden rather than this burning alive thing which is still very painful because you havent killed yourself yet."
  2205. >Identifying as Entropy
  2206. >Compatability with Harmonic energy: Zero.
  2207. >Neutralising.
  2208. >Entropic influence: Zero
  2209. >Filling void with harmonic energy
  2210. >"Oh good heavens you poor thing, stop it now."
  2211. >Harmonic influence: High
  2212. >Disengaging.
  2213.  
  2214. >Twilight looks on in shock and confusion from the floor as the magic of the elements finally stops to reveal the smoking body of the colt( at least the voiced sounded male) that saved her.
  2215. >Manages to catch him with her magic as he topples backwards, her tiara falling from lifeless claws, no they aren't nearly dharp enough, what are the words for those?
  2216. >Everyone but Fluttershy is gasping and reacting with shock, but thankfully the yellow ponies "Hurt critter" instincts have taken over as she zips forward to check on him.
  2217. >Anon looks up with bleary eyes as something pink and yellow bobs in front of his eyes.
  2218. >"She's nice, you should make friends with her."
  2219. >He sees a purple blob walk into view and say...something, things are pretty muffled right now.
  2220. >"She would also make a good friend, you could talk about books together."
  2221. >Blinking tiredly Anon slips into unconsciousness, his last thoughts are confusion towards his sudden urge to find a book to read.
  2222.  
  2223.  
  2224.  
  2225. >The elements of harmony become voices in Anon's heads
  2226. >Sometimes they're just the thoughts of the bearers of the elements
  2227. >Sometimes they're...
  2228. >Something else
  2229. >It doesn't want to hurt Anon
  2230. >Never forces him to do anything
  2231. >Immediately backs down apologies if he so much as thinks "No"
  2232. >It just makes suggestions
  2233. >All of which would, from a logical standpoint, improve his overall physical and mental health and life in general
  2234. >But Anon is conflicted if what he's doing is actually him doing it, if he's just agreeing with the voices in his head
  2235. >"What's different from us and the voices in your head you had before?"
  2236. "Those weren't voices they were just my thoughts"
  2237. >"Thoughts that you had mentally imagined to have sound and tone, like a voice right?"
  2238. "This is different and you know it
  2239. >"Do you?"
  2240. >The girls begin to worry as Anon is sat in his room again, book in hand, a new animal friend in his lap, just after working out
  2241. >Those three things aren't a problem
  2242. >The problem is, he's having a philisophical debate with himself again
  2243. >Hopefully this one won't get as heated as the one where he threw his chair into his room's hearth
  2244. >Or as intense as the one that had him awake for several days, muttering and rambling to himself, head darting back and forth as he paced his room like he were possesed
  2245. >He isn't like this often
  2246. >He can go weeks, months even, without an incident
  2247. >But when one comes, it hits hard
  2248. >Twilight seems to be the best at calming him down though
  2249. >He sees her and everything that's happening in his head seems to just go quiet
  2250. >It just stops
  2251. >Then he begins talking to her, like an old friend
  2252. >Like she isn't having to watch her new friend slowly lose his mind every day
  2253. >He really likes giving her backrubs for some reason
  2254. >She's occasionally caught him muttering something about "no wings"
  2255.  
  2256.  
  2257.  
  2258.  
  2259.  
  2260. >harmony voice is trying to get anon stand up and find friends , eat healthy and be happy
  2261. >call of the void is still there only now it's a lot more noticeable with harmony arguing with it
  2262. >"hey anon, kick that filly"
  2263. >"NO!, Whats wrong with you Void!? dont listen to it anon!"
  2264. >you are anon
  2265. >you thought you were crazy before
  2266. "sigh...."
  2267.  
  2268.  
  2269.  
  2270.  
  2271.  
  2272.  
  2273.  
  2274. >anon likes collecting rocks
  2275. >picks one up whenever he goes somewhere new
  2276. >from pieces of broken concrete out of manehatten roads to shattered crystals from the far north, he has all of them
  2277. >one day he's walking along when he spots the metaphorical jackpot, a small stone, perfectly smooth and amazing to hold in his hand
  2278. >the pebble is on a bench inside the candy store ponko works at, but he doesn't think much of it and just pockets it
  2279. >a few minutes later he is chilling in the park when a gray blur passes by him, pinka following close behind
  2280. >when he asks her whats going on, she only answers that her sister lost her boulder
  2281. >being the rock collecting weirdo that he is, anon offers to help her look for it
  2282. >neither are aware that the pet rock in question currently resides within his pocket
  2283.  
  2284.  
  2285.  
  2286.  
  2287.  
  2288.  
  2289.  
  2290. >Be Bon Bon.
  2291. "Go ahead, try it."
  2292. >You lick your lips despite your best efforts not to.
  2293. "It's a free sample. A sweetie for a sweetie."
  2294. >Caramel (appropriately named; you bet his cock is as sweet as his namesake, and that his balls would just MELT in your mouth) blushes prettily at your flirty little compliment and leans forward to take a free candy in his mouth.
  2295. >You watch his prehensile lips wrap around the still-warm candy and, thankful that his eyes are focused on the tasty treat, bite your lower lip.
  2296. >You can't imagine how they'd feel on your clit, or on your teats.
  2297. >Celestia knows they're still sore from the last time Old Iron Sides back over at S.M.I.L.E gave'em a mean twisting for losing ("losing") track of that ape-lien anomaly from a few months ago.
  2298. >His eye are focused on the sweets (typical colt), so he can't see your devious smile.
  2299. >There was a "lab accident" back over at S.M.I.L.E HQ, and a few doses of truth serum were "dropped" on the "floor", and were "listed" "as" "disposed of".
  2300. >AKA, they found their way into your saddlebags like a bushel of unpaid-for apples.
  2301. >It was the perfect crime.
  2302. >It's called a "truth serum" because it softens up the victim's mind a little bit and makes them more open to suggestion.
  2303. >Like giving them a few ciders to drink, but with direction.
  2304. >It works even better when they don't know they've been doped up; it's harder to stop yourself from doing something you don't even realize you're being encouraged to do.
  2305. >And if you encourage them to do something they already like to do in the first place?
  2306. >They'll practically be putty in your hooves.
  2307. >So when you ask for a gossipy colt like Caramel about the latest news...
  2308. "How was Pinkie's party last night?"
  2309. >...they won't even hesitate to do what you ask.
  2310. >"Oh, it was horrible!" chirps Caramel, his tone striking harshly against his mean words, "Pinkie had way too much to drink and tries to get into a hoof-fight with Rarity. And Time Turner poured his drink all over poor Derpy's mane and ran into the bathroom to cry."
  2311. >He giggles into a hoof and gives you cow-eyes.
  2312. >"He's very mean-spirited, you know. The colts all know Derpy is kind of a lost cause, of course, but it's so sweet to see her try so hard for her daughter."
  2313. >He swoons in place, a dusting of pink settling on his furry cheeks.
  2314. >"It's soooo romantic! A single mother working to support her daughter... I keep expecting a nice stallion to move into town and buy a book store, or an antique shop, and then have a bunch of coincidental run-ins with Derpy that slowly drives them in love with one-another!"
  2315. >Oh, Caramel.
  2316. >Everything is a game to you.
  2317. >He giggles again and shakes his head, showing off his freshly-shampood mane and wafting the aroma in your direction.
  2318. >You are, of course, a hot-blooded mare; Caramel or no, you can't stop yourself from taking a whiff.
  2319. >Mmmm.... strawberries.
  2320. >Ohhh, you can only imagine what it would be like if your pillow smelled like his mane...
  2321. >Stupid sexy homewrecker...
  2322. >"But it's okay! We're going to exclude him the next time we all take time off to go to Manehattan for a shopping spree, and Timey-Wimey's going to get SOOOOO angry."
  2323. "Mmm-hmmm?" you hum absently, keeping one eye on Caramel's face and another on the wall-clock behind him.
  2324. >It's been about forty-five seconds, and Caramel's eyes are starting to glaze over.
  2325. >The test questions were successful.
  2326. >Now it's time to find out exactly what he told to Lyra's old herd-colt to make him kick her out back in Manehattan.
  2327. >You're about to open your mouth, when an opportunity wanders into your shop.
  2328. >Well, well, well.
  2329. >Speak of Tirek, and he shall appear.
  2330. >Lyra's bastard of a former herd-colt just wandered into your humble candy store.
  2331. >City Slicker.
  2332. >Or "Slick" to his friends.
  2333. >Or "Big Ugly Bastard" to everypony else.
  2334. >He might have styled his mane differently since the last time you saw him, but you'll never forget those eyes.
  2335. >You glance between Slick and Caramel and make a quick decision.
  2336. >Caramel is kind of dumb, and he (and this thicc bouncy flank) comes here every week because he thinks he can butter you up for free samples.
  2337. >Slick, on the other hoof, knows better than to go near where Lyra lives.
  2338. >You can always get more details out of Caramel later; the serum is pretty stable.
  2339. "Caramel?"
  2340. >Caramel looks up at you with those pretty (and glassy) azure eyes of his.
  2341. >"Hmmm?" he asks sweetly; innocently.
  2342. >Oh, Caramel.
  2343. >If he weren't responsible for the head-colt of Lyra's old herd kicking her out, you might feel kind of bad about all this.
  2344. "Caramel, why don't you tell Slick over there what you think of his new manecut."
  2345. >Caramel nods happily and trots over to the stallion, stumbling a little bit as he goes.
  2346. >"Hello, Slick!"
  2347. >Slick smiles happily at his friend and opens his mouth to greet him back.
  2348. >>"Hi, Car-"
  2349. >"Your manecut looks like somepony took a hacksaw to it."
  2350. >You bury your face into your hooves to stop yourself from guffawing.
  2351. >Stupid Ponyville ancestry; you'll NEVER get rid of that country bumpkin laugh.
  2352. >You risk it a little bit and peek past your hooves.
  2353. >Slick looks like someone just told him that a mare slapped his father right on the taint.
  2354. >He takes a step back and sputters, outraged, before glaring at his (likely former) friend, Caramel.
  2355. >>"What?!"
  2356. >"I said," Caramel shouts cheerfully, voice echoing through the open door of your shop and into the bustling crowd of shopping ponies, "YOUR MANECUT LOOKS LIKE SOMEPONY TOOK A HACKSAW TO IT!"
  2357. >Slick looks outraged.
  2358. >>"H-How DARE you!"
  2359. >The situation between Slick and a (rather confused-looking) Caramel devolves into a slap-fight.
  2360. >Pretty quickly, a small gathering of mares form, and you can hear them shouting words of encouragement; some hope to see balls, and others hope that one will accidentally kiss the other.
  2361. >Petty?
  2362. >Yes.
  2363. >Useful?
  2364. >No.
  2365. >Do you care?
  2366. >Not even a little bit.
  2367. >Because now that you're watching it, you've really got to admit that a catfight between
  2368.  
  2369.  
  2370.  
  2371.  
  2372.  
  2373.  
  2374. >anon shows up inna equestria
  2375. >for some reason he gains the ability to do the majique
  2376. >having literally 0 knowledge on how to use it, he gets taken by twi under her wing, her seeing his potential (for a good houseband)
  2377. >of course, anon actually excedes expetations and starts becoming pretty well versed in spellcraft relatively fast
  2378. >he always had a fixation with time, so he experiments a lot with time spells
  2379. >fast foward spells, slow down spells, time travel, paradoxes, you name it he's probably tried it at least once
  2380. >then he decides to make his own spell
  2381. >keeps it secret from twi to try snd surprise her and show her that she should take him more seriously
  2382. >one day when she's walking through the castle halls, anon just shows up and tells her he came up with a way to stop time indefenetly
  2383. >she doesn't believe him, so he demonstrates
  2384. >charges up the spell, there a bright flash and the next second he's gone
  2385. >then she hears screams of joy coming from down the hall
  2386. >she quickly runs to the source only to find a bearded, unwashed anon howling like a lunatic
  2387. >upon noticing her, he immediately charges her...only to bring her into a hug
  2388. >the spell was a success, if a little too successful
  2389. >turns out he forgot to come up with a way to start the time back up
  2390. >it took him 6 months to figure it out
  2391. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to cook with time stopped fire?
  2392. Or how hard it is to wash yourself with or drink time stopped water?
  2393. I haven't shaved in 5 months twi and haven't bathed in 4!
  2394. I just stopped trying after a while!
  2395. Anyway, i'll go take a shower and hit the bed, if rainbow shows up, i'm not here"
  2396. >then he teleports away from her
  2397. >a few moments later a rainbow blur passes her vision and she's face to face with the dash herself
  2398. >her mane's completely shaved along with her tail
  2399. >"Bucking colts...
  2400.  
  2401.  
  2402.  
  2403.  
  2404.  
  2405. >Bonbon is the primary SMILE agent handling the Hayday Gang case
  2406. >hears from one of her informants that the infamous gang has gotten a new member
  2407. >information is scarce since they only appear once the usually smooth jobs the gang is known for go sour and to devastating effect, quickly securing whatever they were after and quickly dragging the rest of the gang out of the local guards' hooves
  2408. >codenamed "Giant" for the inequine height, theories abound ranging from a minotaur in strange custom prosthetics, some sort of undiscovered creature native to the unmapped jungles of the Deep South the gang bought and tamed on the black market, to even a magical golem created by the shadowy leader of the heisters Big Gal herself
  2409. >whoever or whatever Giant is, they clearly have the potential to push the Hayday gang into a new era of criminal success, if the gang ever figures out how to leverage their new asset to the fullest
  2410. >and they will, Bonbon thinks as she closes the latest file, oh they will
  2411. >the cream colored confectioner rubs her eyes, leaving the basement that's secured more than most manehatten penthouses
  2412. >but that's enough of Work for now, she's still gotta maintain her cover, and as "grumpy" as some of the local stallions have labeled her, she'd rather not snub an entire newly moved in herd by missing their "Welcome to Ponyville" party
  2413. >and besides, she's still gotta fix up something to give to them for the housewarming party the day after that
  2414. >She hasn't met this "Anon" in person yet, but as she locks up, she wonders what kind of candies "Hyoo-mans" would like
  2415.  
  2416.  
  2417.  
  2418.  
  2419.  
  2420.  
  2421. >"Listen here long-legs! I don't like ya, but I like these four legs yer fuckin' even less, we dwarves are itchin' fer a fight, and if ya don't wanna war on yer hands, then you'll hafta convice 'em to meet us like dwarves! Rather'n this shitty frou-frou 'be a good colt' bullshit they're spewin'"
  2422. "What exactly would the terms be?"
  2423. >"Drinkin' o' course, nothin' builds bonds better'n baskin' in beautiful brews, get that white four-legs and 'er sister down 'ere and we'll see who wears the pants in this here alliance they want. Bet you won't be wearin' pants by the end of it though ehehehehe"
  2424. "Actually, I haven't gotten around to that, some bearded fuckwits kind of interrupted my plans"
  2425. >"BAHahaha, I might not like you long-legs, but yer alright"
  2426.  
  2427. >Karak Az Urkir it was called
  2428. >It was not a hall, it was a whole goddamn mountain
  2429. >A big one too
  2430. >Just appeared right on the outskirts of Dodge City
  2431. >Twilight was very excited at the prospect of meeting a new species
  2432. >You were not
  2433. >Not even a little bit
  2434. >Especially not after a thane had come into town
  2435. >He was a wide, powerfully built fucker, with runic weapons and a really poor temper
  2436. >Almost chopped Pinkie's head off when she slapped his ass
  2437. >That was actually why you had been sent along on this diplomatic mission
  2438. >They were short and grumpy, you were tall and grumpy; you'd make them friend no time
  2439. >Fuck that
  2440. >Duardin were strong enough to rip your arms off, and could run all day without getting tired, and never forgot a slight
  2441. >That and it looked like they had black powder weapons, if that thane pulling out a pistol and shooting it into the air for fun was any indication
  2442. >Lord knows what else they had in that mountain of theirs
  2443. >If you weren't careful, there'd be a war unlike anything these ponies had ever seen
  2444. >You were not a diplomat
  2445. >You were, in fact, just an average shitposter
  2446. >Twilight, despite also being a princess, wasn't much of a diplomat either
  2447. >The mare almost had the yaks declare war on Equestria in an hour
  2448. >In. An. Hour.
  2449. >And, while no one would doubt just how smart she was, Twilight might have been the most sexist horse you knew
  2450. >Colts needed to stay in the home, she didn't want them voting, etc
  2451. >Once, she had come to your house with a plate in her mouth, expecting you to cook her something when Spike had been away
  2452. >She got it from her mentor you guessed, who was also notoriously conservative from what you had heard
  2453. >Why that dumb white pain in the ass didn't come herself drive you nuts; doubly so when you explained things
  2454. >"She had faith in you both" she said
  2455. >Yeah...
  2456. >Good fucking idea...
  2457. >So, without any better ideas, you had decided to bring as much strong alcohol as could be transported, and insisting that Twilight keep her mouth shut, you took a train to Dodge City
  2458. >...
  2459. >Holy fuck were you doomed...
  2460.  
  2461.  
  2462. >tfw the king of the hold, shockingly, takes a liking to you
  2463. >Wants you to marry his daughter, who he insists is the most beautiful maiden amongst his kind
  2464. >There is a issue though
  2465. >You know just how superior horsepussy is
  2466. >You also hate feet of any kind
  2467. >The issue is how to say no without getting your head chopped off
  2468. >Twilight, meanwhile, is speaking to the king's wife about your dowry
  2469. >The queen was not pleased
  2470. >...
  2471. >You're definitely going to die
  2472.  
  2473.  
  2474.  
  2475.  
  2476.  
  2477.  
  2478. >D&D anon, the human warlock
  2479. >so edgy and conceited that he sold his soul to himself.
  2480. >and it worked.
  2481. >Except, as punishment, the nearest old-one worshiper yeeted him across time and space.
  2482. >finds himself in equestria.
  2483. >couldbeworse.campaignnotes
  2484. >But there's a disconnect that becomes clear really quickly.
  2485. >they don't understand why he can only cast a few spells between long rests.
  2486. >or why he calls it 'long rest' instead of sleeping.
  2487. >And his gold seems to be fucking useless.
  2488. >Seriously? Like 2 pieces for a cherry?
  2489. >They don't bother using silver or copper for money. He can see why.
  2490. >And he keeps pissing ponies off when he checks doors by stabbing it.
  2491. >The poor peons don't know of the dangers of doors.
  2492. >Had to use the full 10 minutes of Expeditious Retreat once, from purple unicorn who kept teleporting to him to ask about that 'Friends' cantrip.
  2493. >Seriously. HOW did she teleport like 20 times in a row? What bullshit is this?
  2494. >Whatever
  2495.  
  2496.  
  2497.  
  2498.  
  2499.  
  2500.  
  2501. >Oh shit are you running late.
  2502. >You were supposed to meet the girls at the mall a half hour ago.
  2503. >But apparently no one knows how to fucking drive in the rain in this world.
  2504. >You pull up to the food court entrance to the mall but can find any goddamn spots close to the doors so you had to circle.
  2505. >You finally manage to find a spot... BUT it is almost a football field away.
  2506. "Alright, time to head in. In the rain. Ugh!"
  2507. >You're not a pussy or anything and you know a little water won't kill you.
  2508. >But you don't like your clothes getting wet if you can help it.
  2509. >Well fuck it.
  2510. >You get out of the car and start walk running to the front.
  2511. >By the time you get there you are literally soaked.
  2512. >You look around and finally find the girls.
  2513. "Hey girls. Sorry I'm late but I got stuck in traffic."
  2514. >"Ah, oh Anon, darling you're soaked to the bone."
  2515. >"Oh my, would you like me to get you some napkins or something?"
  2516. "It's okay Fluttershy, napkins and soaked body doesn't really mix. And it's fine Rarity."
  2517. >You start to take off your jacket, leaving you in your white tshirt.
  2518. >Man is it cold here while you're wet.
  2519. >"Well, do let us know if you n- neeeeed any... uh..."
  2520. >Sunset starts to say and just ends up staring at you.
  2521. >||"Nipples."||
  2522. >You think you hear Pinkie say something but can't hear what.
  2523. "You say something Pinkie?"
  2524. >"NOTHING!"
  2525. >Applejack starts to stand up and take off her shirt.
  2526. >"Here 'Non. Can't be letting a feller get sick wearing wet duds. Here, put this on over your top."
  2527. >Before you can stop her she is unbuttoning her top revealing her bra and FUCK!
  2528. "No no that's fine! Besides they won't let you stay here without a shirt right? Mall rules."
  2529. >||"They won't let him stay with that wet shirt and no undershirt either."||
  2530. >You think Twilight said something to Sunset but again cam be sure.
  2531. >Hope nothing is wrong with your ears.
  2532. >You look down at yourself and see your shirt is sticking to yourself and can see partially through it.
  2533. "Heh, kinda like a wet tshirt contest in here."
  2534. >The girls start to sweat and Rarity starts to senpai herself.
  2535. >"Anon, is everything-"
  2536. >Sunset says and touches your arm and then goes silent.
  2537. >"You honestly don't think anything is wrong right now?"
  2538. >She asks surprised.
  2539. "Well, I mean I'm wet and kinda cold now but otherwise fine."
  2540. >"Alright, j-just let us know if you need anything. How about a burger, my treat."
  2541. >She says while looking down at your chest.
  2542. "Thanks, how did you know I wanted a burger?"
  2543. >"Oh! Uh, lucky guess. He said he's fine girls, so let's take him at his word."
  2544. >They look at her and back to you.
  2545. >She finally talked some sense into them all it seems.
  2546. >You've been here a while but this place is still weird.
  2547. >Fun but weird
  2548.  
  2549.  
  2550.  
  2551.  
  2552.  
  2553.  
  2554. >You are an angry, axe-wielding, bearded manlet, so you must be Incogneto.
  2555. >You and your brother’s newly established mountain home has just been inexplicably transported to a world of talking horses
  2556. >After yelling at some winged unicorn thing, you came to learn that the locals were apparently just as confused as you.
  2557. >Thankfully they seemed friendly enough, if a bit odd.
  2558. >They apparently wanted to try and negotiate with you, what with your mountain apparently being on their land and all.
  2559. >Proxy and Unknown tried to convince the others that we should hear them out.
  2560. >As though we really had any other option.
  2561. >We were outnumbered, low on supplies, and totally surrounded.
  2562. >Half of us were missing weapons.
  2563. >Really, what else were we going to do?
  2564. >So here you are now, completely sober, preparing to go up with the boys and ‘negotiate’ with wizard horses.
  2565. >Let’s hope for their sakes they’ve got some fuckin’ beer.
  2566. ——————————
  2567. >You’re tall, green, and under appreciated, so you must be Anon.
  2568. >Princess sparklebutt has called you up to help her with something.
  2569. >Apparently a mountain full of fat, short humans just showed up next to canterlot this morning.
  2570. >She wanted you to help oversee the meeting with them, what with being the expert on humans and all.
  2571. >Execpt, your a man, so of course no one wants to listen to you.
  2572. >You’ve got literally three hours to help equestria avoid a diplomatic incident.
  2573. >chop chop
  2574.  
  2575.  
  2576.  
  2577.  
  2578.  
  2579.  
  2580. >Life is good
  2581. >Your ever changing madhouse mansion shindig is giving you the time of your life
  2582. >A very difficult task, considering you're immortal
  2583. >Even more difficult considering you've been trapped in a lamp for ten days
  2584. >You used to be trapped in this thing for a lot longer but ponies have been getting smarter and they kept finding you and bugging you
  2585. >It used to be all power-mad sorceresses and would-be queens
  2586. >Now it's all sweaty, desperate mares
  2587. >Your thumb and finger were getting tired
  2588. >Such is the life of Anon the Genie
  2589. >All of sudden your world starts shaking
  2590. >Oh boy
  2591. >Here we go again
  2592. >This is like the thousandth one this year
  2593. >Wack
  2594. >Normally you'd use the thousand years reprieve to put on a great big song and dance for your new master but the spark kind of died when you were rubbed out of your lamp mid-rehersal half a year ago
  2595. >That was twenty masters ago
  2596. >She got a real kick out of your "rubbed out" line
  2597. >Now you just want it over with so you can go back to playing poker with dolphin
  2598. >Lazily, you drag yourself out of your lamp
  2599. "Hello, yes yes, I am Anon the genie, no I will not do anything to alter your place in your herd, no I will not make your herd stallion fall in love with you, no I will not kill a herd mate you're jealous of, so what'll it be bigger teats, bigger horns, bigger wings or a bigger butt?"
  2600. >You're met with dead silence
  2601. "Come on, chop chop I'm trying to break my record here"
  2602. >"My my Anonymous, what happened to all that penache and wonder you used to bring?"
  2603. >Oh, fuck all kinds of duck
  2604. "Discord, who the hell got hold of both of our lamps?"
  2605. >Your ex-genie ex-colleage simply shrugs his shoulders at you
  2606. >WITHOUT his bindings
  2607. "And who THE FUCK was stupid enough to unbind YOU of all genies?
  2608. >"The question isn't who let me out, it's-"
  2609. "It was that one wasn't it"
  2610. >You point to a white alicorn
  2611. >Who immediately turns red at your accusation
  2612. >Having a thousand years of solitude has made you a master of guessing games
  2613. >"As I was saying, it isn't about who let me out, it's about who will let YOU out?"
  2614. "Come again?"
  2615. >The idea of freedom has been very lost on you, after so many masters promised it to you, and then broke that promise
  2616. >Discord opens his arms to indicate behind you
  2617. >Nothing but walls and ceiling
  2618. >Oh right, you've made yourself bigger
  2619. >Looking down, you see six mares all looking at you buggy-eyed
  2620. >Each of them with their hooves on your lamp
  2621. >The earthquake that rocked your lamp did feel a little rougher than usual
  2622. >Pulling out a pair of 3-D glasses, you look at the fillies through the lenses
  2623. >Well shit
  2624. >There's your little genie leash
  2625. >Wrapped around six different mares
  2626. >So that's what, 3, 6,- 18 wishes you gotta grant?
  2627. >For the first time in a long time, you feel a smile creep up on your face
  2628. >This is new
  2629.  
  2630.  
  2631.  
  2632.  
  2633.  
  2634.  
  2635. >You hardly remember how you got from home to the waiting room of Manehattan General Hospital all the way across town, and honestly the little mystery isn't doing much to help keep your mind off of what's happening in the ER just a short ways away.
  2636. >Did you take a cab?
  2637. >Your legs feel like mush, so maybe you ran.
  2638. >As soon as you got the news that your fiance was fighting for her life after a unicorn robber stabbed several inches of mana-flaring horn between her ribs, you were off.
  2639. >Your hand tightens over your knee and your foot bounces.with anxious energy.
  2640. >Copper Top has been in surgery for a couple hours now, and you're both eager for and dreading news on her condition.
  2641. >A ragged mare steps from between the swinging ER doors and heaves a sigh.
  2642. >You're on your feet and in front of her within seconds.
  2643. "How is she? Is she okay?"
  2644. >She blinks up at you, then smiles weakly.
  2645. >"Officer Copper Top is in stable condition, sir. She's one tough mare."
  2646. >You heave a sigh.
  2647. "Thank god," you mumble. "Is she awake? Can I see her?"
  2648. >The doctor frowns.
  2649. >"She's not awake, but you can go see her as long as you don't disturb her rest."
  2650. >You nod and fight the urge to rush passed her.
  2651. "Of course. Do you know how long she'll be out for? Or how long she'll be staying here? When can I take her home?"
  2652. >You chuckle weakly.
  2653. "She acts tough, but she hates hospitals. I'm sure she'll be itching to be back on her hooves and home as soon as she wakes up. Can't keep a good officer down, you know?"
  2654. >The frown deepens on the mare's face.
  2655. >"Mr. Anonymous, right? The patient's fiance?"
  2656. "Ah, yeah. You can just call me Anon, though."
  2657. >"Well, Anon, you need to understand how serious Ms. Top's injury is. I'm afraid it's more than just a punctured lung. There were magical burns inside her chest cavity."
  2658. >You feel your heart turn to ice and drop into your stomach.
  2659. >"Frankly, she'll be lucky if she regains even partial function of her left lung, and she'll no doubt have months, if not years of therapy just to be able to climb a flight of stairs without becoming winded. I'm not sure how they decide these things down at the precinct, but I doubt she'll be patrolling the streets anytime soon, if ever again."
  2660. >You gulp, finding it impossible to force any words from your dry mouth.
  2661. >She shakes her head.
  2662. >"She's going to need her stallion by her side more than ever, I imagine."
  2663. "I will be," you manage. "Always."
  2664. >She smiles up at you and nods.
  2665. >"That's good to hear. You can start now. Go to her."
  2666. >As you walk passed and towards the love of your life, you stand a little straighter.
  2667. >You have to be strong for your mare.
  2668. >You'll help in every way you can, even if it's just someone to lean on when times get hard.
  2669. >You will stay by your mare's side through everything the future holds.
  2670. >You might not have taken the vows officially yet, but through thickness and through health, you will stand by your wife.
  2671.  
  2672.  
  2673.  
  2674.  
  2675.  
  2676.  
  2677.  
  2678. >"H-hey Anon, I thought you might be hungry tonight so I brought you some Mexican food, can I come in? M-maybe we can cuddle together and play some video games?"
  2679. "thanks starlight! always thinking of me"
  2680. >"oh its no problem anon, I just wanted to tell you that I really-"
  2681. "my girlfriend is gonna love this!"
  2682. >"y-you're?.."
  2683. "yeah glim! you'll love her cmon in"
  2684.  
  2685. >be glim
  2686. >you tried to get anon to come out of his shell but.. he has a girlfriend? WHO? since when?
  2687. >it was twilights idea.. but you got a bit carried away and started to like him a bit more then just a friend
  2688. >being in this strange land of being almost like anon doenst help! you being one is the worst part!
  2689. >the urges and desires are.. unmarely!
  2690. >"Starlight Glimmer meet Wallflower Blush"
  2691. >anon walks away around the corner
  2692. >who is this wa- buck already forgot it
  2693. >>"hello, i'm.. oh anon already said that, uhhh"
  2694. >this is getting painful already
  2695. "Oh are you uh.."
  2696. >think! you havent seen her at CHS so so so
  2697. "you must be from.. from crystal.. thing"
  2698. >>"Ive been at Canterlot High since 6th grade.."
  2699. "oh ahha.. ehh.."
  2700. >sweet luna on the moon save me
  2701. >"ok girls come over here to the living room I got all the food set up and shit"
  2702. >"weird.. do mexicans exist here? or.."
  2703. "what are you talking about its just what you call tacos and burritos?"
  2704. >anon sometimes.. so cute
  2705. >" I found this cool movie, Reminds me of something from back home"
  2706. >you haven't seen many movies from here before I wonder what this one is about
  2707. > the picture on the screen says "THE ELIMINATOR" and shows this really really muscular mare- no women on the cover holding.. some sort of human weapon
  2708. "whats this about?"
  2709. >"just put food in mouth, chew, look at screen, listen"
  2710. > you sit next to anon about to get comfy, I mean nothing is stopping you
  2711. >>"oof!"
  2712. "oh! heh.. sorry about that I didnt see you there"
  2713. >right.. girlfriend, how does it keep slipping your mind? its worse every time you remember
  2714. >"I told you it was a superpower not a curse, Blushie"
  2715. >pet names AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
  2716. >>"you don't have to pretend you like it to make me feel better"
  2717. >"aw but I do"
  2718. >at that anon squeezes her in a big hug her eyes almost pop out of her head
  2719. >this is going to be a long, dreadful night..
  2720.  
  2721. >a bit later
  2722. >roll credits
  2723. >your burrito now long cold barely touched sits on your plate in your lap still
  2724. >holy buck.. this movie really got under your skin..
  2725. >having a flashback to eye surgery scene you shiver
  2726. >looking over to anon.. wait where did that girl come from?..
  2727. >loading..
  2728. >loading..
  2729. >oh its his girlfriend right.. buck
  2730. >they arent even bothered at all by ANY of that
  2731. >"so how did you like it glim?"
  2732. "oh it was uh.. ok"
  2733. >>"she was shaking the whole time anon"
  2734. "W-was not!"
  2735. >>"AHH LOOK BEHIND YOU SHES HERE"
  2736. "AHHHHHH"
  2737. > is what you scream when launching off the couch across the room spilling food everywhere
  2738. >"wallflower.."
  2739. >>"heh"
  2740. >"wallflower"
  2741. >>"oh.. yeah um I'm sorry"
  2742.  
  2743.  
  2744.  
  2745.  
  2746.  
  2747.  
  2748.  
  2749. >Ponies used to infuse machines with animation/golemancy spells to create sentient armies for war.
  2750. >but after the age of harmony they were no longer needed and the few remaining ones were placed in Museums to teach ponies about history, or given out for adoption or as work force.
  2751. >When Anon visted a History Museum he didn't expect to get hit on by the exhibits themself...
  2752. >fucking mares
  2753.  
  2754.  
  2755.  
  2756.  
  2757.  
  2758.  
  2759. MLH friendship is science, is a show about six young men living in a Buck Rogers style Retrofuturist world that teaches Social Skills and critical thinking to Colts. The main characters are Blast Nova the headstrong Janefilly space cadet, T.L.C an almost completely android designed to care and nurture small animals, Headcase the playful Hacker obsessed with practical jokes, Victor Starsplash the conceited but overall kind hearted architect, Pyrite the headstrong asteroid miner, and Tessaract the nerdy science officer. All of whom wear bright colored and highly distinguishable spacesuits. The other main characters are Dr Jupiter and Dr Helios, the two immortal leaders of the galactic federation. Most plots either revolve around them helping out various Technical and emotional problems on the space station of Humanville, called "Science Emergencies!", or encountering various fantastical monsters that wish to threaten their home.
  2760. Interestingly the show seems to have picked up a considerable number of grown mare viewers known as Sapiensisters. Many say they watch it for the plot, the writing, the art, or just because they find it comfy to watch. Though most fan content is pornographic in nature with Mares arguing about which of the Humane 6 or other background men is the best Husbando on the designated /mlh/ board on 4hoof. Some of which devolving into barely recognizable memes like TLC trying and failing to guess a mare's fetish to figure out what it means to be human, and one where males of the species supposedly act like mares.
  2761.  
  2762. >sometime after the original creator of the series Pen Ink, a white coated and red maned stallion, left the production, Tessaract is made into a real doctor by him synthesizing an immortality serum
  2763. >in a move that tore asunder the MLH community is half, the character of Strelok Gagarum is added, a kosmonaut trying to spread the ideology of ``marxism``,the idea that all humans are equal, on a small colony in the middle of nowhere
  2764. >nicked named Gaga by the community, he eventually becomes one of the M6`s friends after some time travel shenanigans involving a black hole
  2765.  
  2766. >The series continues after the original creator leaves with still considerable success.
  2767. >There is even a movie where Tessaract needs to follow Samuel Sunspot, an old apprentice of the doctors, through an Einstien Rosen Brige to a parallel reality where they turn into pony versions of themselves.
  2768. >The world is similarly like Equestria and Tessaract encounters pony versions of the Humane6 which the fandom calls the Mane6.
  2769. >Sunspot gets redeemed and becomes a fan favorite to a faction of the fans as well.
  2770. >If making Tessaract a doctor didn't devide the fans, having a parallel world where humans are ponies definently did.
  2771. >While more and more lewd drawings of the pony forms of the humane6 was welcome at first, a lot of fans hated it and gave the moniker '>no hands'
  2772. >Also everypony didn't like the idea of Tessaract being given a love interest because of the mares wanted him as a husbando.
  2773. >The movie was moderately successful and several sequels were made
  2774.  
  2775.  
  2776. This makes me wonder, what would each villain's MLH equivalent be?
  2777. >NMM
  2778. One of the doctors having gone mad from a faulty serum, like dr jeckyl and mr hide, ends up gettting put into suspended animation and saved by tess with an antidote
  2779.  
  2780. >discord
  2781. Q but female OR the android's insane creator
  2782.  
  2783. >chrysalis
  2784. Easiest one to figure out, the king of an insectoid alien race of shapeshifters that feed on hormones/pheromones
  2785.  
  2786. >sombra
  2787. An ex-doctor that experimented with nanomachines and lost her mind in doing so, feeling nothing but a thrist for power
  2788. Can turn into a cloud of nanites
  2789.  
  2790. >tirek
  2791. Alien god queen that wants to devour all of mankind's energy/electricity, destroying any tech she comes across and growing stronger off of it
  2792.  
  2793. >glimmer
  2794. Commie kosmonaut
  2795.  
  2796. >that shadow pony i can't remember the name of
  2797. Extredimensional parasite that binds itself to unfortunate hosts
  2798.  
  2799.  
  2800.  
  2801.  
  2802.  
  2803.  
  2804. >Like hillbilly bimbos in film/tv usually selling watermelons and holding them at chest height, Anon in Equestria does similarly
  2805. >His cart of goods displays bananas and plums
  2806. >With ponies being crotch height, to show off his wares when they approach he holds them at their eye line
  2807. >Cupping a couple of plums in his palm, in front of his bulge, and raising them slightly up and down
  2808. >"Whell look at dese dang ol', big ol' plums ah mine, dey's fit tah burstin whit juice ah reckon! Y'all interested in a pair?"
  2809. >"But if'n y'all're inclined in parchin your thirst from this here heat, ah've whipped up a few pitchers of ice cold drinks. Mah banana cream's limited though, can't be jerkin out so muchah that creamy froth all day ya know? Y'all wanna cup?"
  2810.  
  2811.  
  2812.  
  2813.  
  2814.  
  2815.  
  2816.  
  2817. >The year is 2045. Equestria lives under HUMAN RULE. All pony mares are stallionized. Stallions live to serve HUMAN CHILDREN in vast adoption facilities. Welcome to Equestria's HUMAN FUTURE.
  2818. >Applesack remembers life before the revolution – before the government-issued halter, the coltish saddle, frilly lingerie, and mandatory socks. She lives on the war-torn outskirts of New America, where she hides her older brother from the clutches of the brutal human army.
  2819. >As musclebound humans prowl the countryside searching for stallions to sell into slavery, Applesack will stop at nothing to protect her sweet brother's purity. In her green-and-tan saddle, flirty coltish skirt, and fishnet stockings, Applesack gives her tender pony body to a gang of pitiless New American alpha soldiers: the ultimate act of courage and sacrifice. But is Applesack prepared for the overwhelming demonstration of power and domination? The encounter brings her face-to-face with her worst fears... and her most unspeakable unmarely fantasies.
  2820. >Acclaimed author and pro domme Quiet Butterfly presents a tantalizingly political vision of the future. Her powerful, vivid, fly-on-the-wall passages of one-on-three interspecies man-on-mare action push the boundaries of sensual fiction. The HUMAN CHADS have their way with the mare's supple body, pumping and pounding and cursing through one of the hottest gang scenes in the history of the genre. And interspersed throughout the sizzling prose, a suspenseful narrative full of imaginative world-building unfolds.
  2821. >Experience the true power of HUMAN CHADS in black socks. Prepare to become a loyal steed. Explore the mind-bending world of HUMAN FUTURE, the first book in Quiet Butterfly's brand new series.
  2822.  
  2823. "Goddamn it Fluttershy."
  2824. >You finish reading the back of the book and give a disappointed look to your waifu.
  2825. >You'd finished your shopping much earlier then expected, and upon arriving home you found your waifu with her hoof between her hindlegs reading some book you've never seen before.
  2826. >She asked if you would finish her off but you were curious about what mares jilled off to.
  2827. >She tried to hide the book from you but you were able to wrestle it away from her and speedread the back.
  2828. >You glance down to your marefriend and she flinches at your expression.
  2829. "If you'll excuse me I have a certain birdhorse I need to go yell at."
  2830.  
  2831.  
  2832.  
  2833.  
  2834.  
  2835.  
  2836.  
  2837.  
  2838. >You are [REDACTED], codename Anonymous, and you work with the Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria, or S.M.I.L.E. for short as the head of their Research and Development department
  2839. >You have ever since they snagged you right before stumbling into town and hiding your presence from the wider population, both for your protection, and to maintain civil peace across the kingdom
  2840. >Apparently humans have quite a polarized mythology in this world, ranging from nurturing guardians with blood that can cure any illness to monsters who are said to tickle ponies until they die from lack of oxygen.
  2841. >Regardless, life isn't bad as you have a roof over your head, food, and all day to tinker away in your workshop making gadgets and gizmos for pony agents fighting both bestial monsters out there in the world, and the more subtle ones, like crime lords and sex traffickers.
  2842. >It's nice knowing your knowledge is being used to better then world instead of making theme park rides for Disney's wallet.
  2843. >If only your fellow imagineers could see you now
  2844. >You're brought from your musings by the hiss of the automated doors opening behind you, and the distinct lack of hoofsteps that follow.
  2845. >You smile as you continue to work on miniaturizing the motor of the standard S.M.I.L.E. grappling gun to make it more concealable.
  2846. "How'd the mission briefing go, Bonny? Have need for any of my wonderful toys?"
  2847. >There's a huff, and what follows is a raspy voice saying, "It's Agent Bon, Mr. Anonymous, and how did you know it was me?"
  2848. "You're the only one who can walk that quietly on a linoleum floor with hooves."
  2849. >"Hmph," is her response, and you notice the pitch is slightly different and less scratchy. "If the Thaumaturgy department ever figures out that equine glamour spell, you might actually make a decent field agent with observation skills like that."
  2850. >An interesting thing about Bonny, she has spent so much of her life disguising her voice for her many infiltration and espionage missions that she's actually begun to forget what her true voice sounds like and sometimes switches between multiples when she's relaxed.
  2851. >It's both sad, yet somewhat heartening that she does so around you, despite the stalwart front she puts up.
  2852. "Noticing the small details is important in my line of work," you say as you place your project down and spin your chair to face her. "Like how you have exactly fourteen small freckles on your face, two more from when I last saw you. Getting more sun, are we?"
  2853. >She blushes and averts her eyes, a minute blush forming just above her frown.
  2854. >"It's weird on the receiving end," she mumbles before coughing into a hoof and smoothing her expression, "In fact I do need some equipment for my upcoming mission. I need to get into a small personal safe, but the window of time required will be too small for me to crack it by conventional means and I can't draw any extra attention, so explosive are a no-go."
  2855. >You hum thoughtfully.
  2856. "A safe autodialer could work."
  2857.  
  2858.  
  2859.  
  2860.  
  2861.  
  2862.  
  2863.  
  2864.  
  2865. >WoodsmAnon in equestria.
  2866. >Lives out in the white tail woods in the log cabin that came along with him, only occasionally going into town for supplies.
  2867. >Ponies are a bit skittish of his large size and the axe he tends to carry everywhere after the Timberwolves started routinely going after him.
  2868. >Starting to believe its a game for them at this point though, since the last time they tussled he could have sworn their wooden tails wagging, damn faggots.
  2869. >One day while foraging he finds a weird looking bug pony unconscious and bleeding in the woods, a noticible dent in the tree it's lying against.
  2870. >Takes it home and bandages it up, putting a thin layer around all those holes just in case.
  2871. >Bug in question wakes up and is surprised by the fact they feel fine, aside from the headache and mummification.
  2872. >Talks with Anon without any of the usual skittishness of ponies, thanking him for the help and asking if theres anything it can do to repay the favour (Always good to reinvest in freely given love).
  2873. >A bit nonplussed by the lack of fear in the weird pony, Anon mentions he's been planning on building a basement for a while but never really found the time.
  2874. >Turns out to be the bugs speciality, and he offers to dig out the best base he's ever seen, so long as he can go find a few of his friends to help out and if they can visit occasionally.
  2875. >Deciding some occasional company wouldn't be all that bad, Anon shakes the proferred hoof.
  2876. >Sure enough after his house guest left a dozen more of the little buggers showed up, one of them still wearing bandages around its limbs like some kind of anime character.
  2877. >Had the basement dug out and reinforced to the point he's thinking about calling it a Bunker instead.
  2878. >Gives them all headpats and ear-fin-thingy scritches as thanks, making their wings buzz in contentment.
  2879. >After that life settled back into routine, occasionally broken up by one or a few houseguests in the basement.
  2880. >One day while checking on the barrels of mead he recently tried his hand at, he hears a knocking at his door upstairs.
  2881. >Opens it to find his bandage bug and a small group of bugs surrrounding a taller bug, sho seems to be glaring at a tree so hard he's surprised it hasnt ignited.
  2882. >"Soooo, can i ask for a big favour?"
  2883. >Anon simply raises an eyebrow, he knows that tone, this is either going to be: >Annoying, like when the Timberwolf pack seemed to get jealous of his guests.
  2884. >Embarrassing, like the time one of said guests tried to shapeshift into a loved one of his and they had completely blank features.
  2885. >Or extremely silly like the time three of the little buggers turned up covered in tree-sap and refused to explain, although the faint bark-like rustling in the trees gave him a clue.
  2886. >Seeing the bigger bug glance in his direction before looking away again to glare at the tree, he's pretty sure it's going to be all three
  2887.  
  2888. >Turns out he was two for three with the verdict out on the third.
  2889. >Apparently she was the only female of the species who birthed the rest of the buggers.
  2890. >The way she explains it is that she has sex with a few dozen males of any sapient species and stores their sperm inside her for all her egg laying needs for the foreseeable future.
  2891. >She didn't foresee far enough and, without going into details, has apparently lost many of her children in a terrible way and now needs to refill her sperm supplies.
  2892. >Normally she'd just go seduce some ponies or gryphons, but the former is currently on high alert for her kind, and have warned the latter about them as well.
  2893. >And the less said about Diamond Dogs the better.
  2894. >So that leaves Anon, the only male who has shown her changelings kindness while knowing their true nature.
  2895. >She effectively wants him to fill her with cum, and do the work of what would normally be more than a dozen males over the course of a month or two.
  2896. >Embarrassing and silly?
  2897. >Most definitely.
  2898. >Annoying?
  2899. >Well, that depends on how good of a lay she is
  2900.  
  2901. >She's very tsundere about it because she cant do her standard pump and dump routine and ruin the one source of easy love left in equestria.
  2902. >And he cant just 'do the deed' as a 'favour', that first injection of love is absolutely crucial for healthy hatchlings.
  2903. >Its the same reason she hasnt just kidnapped a few stallions by now and raped them dry, mind control might keep them docile and sustain a fire of love for a while, but it cant provide that intial spark or renew it once it finally fades.
  2904. >Seducing a colt is easy, but how are you supposed to keep their interest afterwards?!
  2905. >[internal bug screaming]
  2906.  
  2907.  
  2908. >Having built a very good rapport with her little drones in the past weeks, WoodsmAnon feels obliged to help, if nothing else, just by the kindness out of his heart.
  2909. >So he agrees to help Chrysalis... with two conditions.
  2910. >One, she has to swear off of kidnapping innocent males, and
  2911. >Two, she will allow her drones to visit him, he's grown so used to the little buggers, he could hardly imagine spending a day without at least seeing one.
  2912. >At first Chrysalis is befuddled, then vexed, then concurring, seeing there is no other option left for her to try.
  2913. >A few moments later a strange realization hits her however.
  2914. >"How do you plan to give me true love along with your sperm?
  2915. >WoodsmAnon just smiles before responding.
  2916. "You know, I can't look at ponies in a sexual way. They are so cute... and so much like children. But you on the other hand... You, are something else..."
  2917. >Chrysalis doesn't have as much time as to gulp, she's grabbed and yanked inside WoodsmAnon's cabin.
  2918. >The last thing her drones heard was a word they do not know the meaning of, but the amount of love they can snack on is just radiating off of it.
  2919. >And that word?
  2920. "Bueno!"
  2921.  
  2922.  
  2923.  
  2924.  
  2925.  
  2926.  
  2927. >Be Fleur de Lis
  2928. >Marchioness of Normarey
  2929. >You were in your office, leafing through some paperwork
  2930. >Yourself and your husband, the Marquis Anonymous had just come from the capital for the Gala
  2931. >You hated the Gala, and most of the bottom feeders that stalked the castle during that night, but even so you couldn't help but smile at the thought of Anon
  2932. >Your husband
  2933. >Your etalon
  2934. >Though you couldn't see it, a ring sat at the base of your horn
  2935. >You had your grandfathers ring adjusted for the human's finger, which he wore with the utmost pride
  2936. >The wedding had been lovely
  2937. >Simple, small, intimate
  2938. >Most of your cousins had been furious that you hadn't invited them
  2939. >They wanted it to be a lavish thing that you bankrupted yourself
  2940. >A month of partying, fountains of wine and mountains of salt
  2941. >All nonsense
  2942. >There were a hundred ponies there, and if you were able there would have been less
  2943. >To your pride however, all four princesses had come to witness your union
  2944. >Princess Cadence herself had done the honor of marrying you
  2945. >You wished your mother and father could have been there to see it...
  2946. >You shook your head, picking up a quill
  2947. >As you did, your door opened
  2948. >Anon poked his head in
  2949. >"Hey honey."
  2950. >Your smile grew
  2951. "Oh mon amour, what do you need?" you asked
  2952. >Anon stared back at you with gorgeous, hopeful eyes
  2953. >"I need you to do the thing."
  2954. "Pardon?"
  2955. >"The thing. You know. THE. THING."
  2956. >It took several seconds, but realization came to mind, making you roll your eyes
  2957. "Really?"
  2958. >Anon just nodded
  2959. >You snorted
  2960. >Silly colts...
  2961. >Even so, you sat up in your seat and cleared your throat
  2962. "Hon, hon, hon!"
  2963. >Anon smiled
  2964. >"Thanks sweetie," he said. "Love you!"
  2965. >With that, he closed your door, going off to do Celestia knows what
  2966. >You chuckled, returning to your paperwork
  2967. >That was going to be the father of your foals someday...
  2968. >Harmony help you...
  2969.  
  2970.  
  2971.  
  2972.  
  2973.  
  2974.  
  2975. >Kid!Anon is found and taken in by the Queen of Change-a-lot, the kingdom of the changelings, and is doted on more than a lonely boy like him ever thought he could be.
  2976. >Queen Chrysalis, or as some call her endearingly for her abundant kindness and love, Grannylis, sensed the sadness radiating from the boy and couldn't help but take him in and give him all the love a child deserves.
  2977. >Growing up, eating cookies made with literal love, surrounded by hundreds of what he'd come to see as brothers and sisters, and with the greatest mom ever, Anon grows to be a fine, if a bit chubby, man.
  2978. >He even becomes the official ambassador of Changealot and is sent on his first mission to improve relations with Equestria by befriending their newest princess.
  2979. >Twilight has seen changelings before, and expected a svelte bug pony with a glistening black shell and eerie compound eyes.
  2980. >What she got was a tall, exotic male of an unknown species who han the kindest green eyes and soft smile.
  2981. >As well as a plump, fatherly figure and long foal-chasing legs, which were ticked off the mental list of her perfect stallion.
  2982. >If he likes books too, she's not sure she'll be able to contain her already ready-to-burst spaghetti.
  2983. >Celestia never told her what to do if she ends up wanting to buck a foreign ambassador, which leaves her once again thinking about how her former mentor totally foisted this job on her unprepared student just so she can play hookie with her sister
  2984.  
  2985.  
  2986.  
  2987.  
  2988.  
  2989.  
  2990. >Day 68 in Canterlot High.
  2991. >Almost would have been nice
  2992. >But this dang world that Princess Spergle sent you to because she wanted to get you home is somehow even worse than Equestria is.
  2993. >At least there it made sense for the ponies to not wear clothes, they were horses
  2994. >Plus they had fur, clothes were only for really cold days or whenever Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah wanted to show off, so every other day.
  2995. >So there weren't any issues if you saw a pony walking around.
  2996. >But in this world, the girls just didn't care and being that it was late spring when you arrived. The temperature was starting to go up.
  2997. >Being in the portable classrooms, some of the girls in the last class of the day would take off their shirts because they'd be sweating so much.
  2998. >That had been a fucking shock for you.
  2999. >Mostly because Hushus Shyus Butterflyus was the one who did it and you were not expecting her to be sporting massive milkers.
  3000. >Of course it also let you know that all the guys in class with you were queers because they all looked at her like she was gross with those big, heaving, sweat covered mounds.
  3001. >Going to the corner store you'd see all manner of nipples and titties from women who were going around topless.
  3002. >On the one hand most of the women were nice and fit, seemed that even in No Hooves Equestria they didn't tolerate fatties.
  3003. >Based
  3004. >But then you had the Cutie Mark Crusaders run past you and after wondering why they even knew about Cutie marks you hurried away so that the cops didn't beat you like a black man for being around topless preteens.
  3005. >Bacon Girl had to explain that women here would just take off their shirts all the time because it would get hot.
  3006. >That's when you had the genius idea to smash the schools ac unit into a pile of scrap.
  3007. >Then you just had to wait for the glorious tit festival to begin and you had your eyes on seeing the Alicorn sisters breasts swinging free.
  3008.  
  3009.  
  3010.  
  3011.  
  3012.  
  3013.  
  3014. >Anon comes from a world with no magic, and has no magic himself.
  3015. >This is extremely odd and unsettling to ponies, as they always known about the trifecta of mind, body and soul, the latter case being the individuals magic and was believed to be the main driver for personality and emotions.
  3016. >So to see someone walking, talking, laughing, crying( albiet not as often as a pony would, let alone a stallion) obviously of relatively sound mind and body, but registering as a corpse to their magical sense?
  3017. >It wasnt exactly pleasant, especially when they made physical contact, but they bore it for his sake.
  3018. >Pinkie, Twilight and Fluttershy especially made certain he got his daily dose of hugs, after he revealed hugging and mutual groomiing wasnt really a thing 'back home'
  3019. >He might feel cold and clammy on the outside, but they'll share their warmth with him as much as they can, it's not so bad once you get used to it.
  3020. The constant exposure to magic, both in his food and the physical affection is actually causing Anon to slowly grow a soul, which in turn strengthens his personality and emotions.
  3021. Twilight notices, but keeps it a secret because she doesnt want to give false hope or potentially damage the process.
  3022. Anon slowly becomes more stereotypically 'whimsical' over time, gradually finding it harder to control his emotions or reign in some of the odd impulses he gets, such as grabbing and hugging the very cute mare in her armor
  3023.  
  3024.  
  3025. > Human brains are far larger than pony brains, without a soul the brain has to do everything on its own, if a human brain is joined with a soul, the brain will fight the soul for control, resulting in insanity
  3026. > After Anon had reached near complete insanity, Twilight was finally convinced that the soul was killing him and had to be removed.
  3027. > Using a very illegal spell book which she happened to find when looting the castle of the two sisters, she performed the spell to remove Anons soul
  3028. > Anon was instantly cured of his insanity, he was himself for the first time in months
  3029. > The now liberated soul was nothing like a pony soul, it was a formless mass of soul energy, it had no mind of its own, it had no sentience, but it was very powerful, many times larger than any pony soul could ever be.
  3030. > This swirling mass of energy, could be used for great things.
  3031. > Using souls to power spells had been highly forbidden for thousands of years, one of the few offenses that still carried the death penalty.
  3032. > But using souls is illegal only because a soul was once a pony
  3033. > But this soul of Anons, was never a person, it was mindless energy
  3034. > A whole new area of magic could be freely explored
  3035. > Thus began the new life of Anon, first source of ethically sourced soul energy.
  3036. > Whist is was annoying living his life on a wild mood cycle, the pay more than made up for it
  3037.  
  3038. >something something pony souls, while having a biological role as a magical co-processor, are in the end simply clouds of a pony's personal magic
  3039. >due to the role these clouds of magic played and the results of their removal, they were deemed souls in the same manner as the various anima of human religions
  3040. >a reasonable assumption to make, especially when these souls have been used to "resurrect" less savory individuals and they appear to have workable, if slightly patchy, copies of the original's memories and personalities
  3041. >but for all that, ponies don't actually know their afterlife
  3042. >sure there are a few unicorn clans that like to put their "souls" into a big jar designed to keep them from dissipating, but these "ponies" tend to get a bit stagnant after some time, reacting in less and less different ways to new stimuli, until they hardly react at all
  3043. >some decades down the line, Anon dies
  3044. >he's had a strange life, no doubt, but a rather fulfilling one
  3045. >of course, since most of his life in Equestria has revolved around the belief that he has no soul, he's a bit gloomy when his end approaches
  3046. >but he's crossed most things off his bucket list, and more importantly is surrounded by friends and family
  3047. >as the darkness encroaches, he can't help but hope that they were wrong, that he will see his family once again After
  3048. >he wishes that he could see (waifu) again
  3049. >he closes his eyes, takes his final breath, and dies
  3050. >only for his eyes to open again
  3051. >Hey you, you're finally awake
  3052. >he's sitting at a desk, a little poner on the other side, reading from a clipboard
  3053. >"Hello and welcome to the Elysian Fields, my name is Warm Welcome, and I'm here to answer any questions you may have about your new life."
  3054. >she turns a page
  3055. >"If you utilized a phylactery, enchanted lamp, or Infinity Knot or similar soul-anchoring device at any point, rest assured that your descendants will be able to commune with your Ephemeral Soul as you desired, while your Eternal Soul can enjoy the afterlife unhindered by any hearthly commitments you may have made."
  3056. >she looks up and smiles
  3057. >"While I'd normally ask if you have any questions at this point, I believe you have somepony that's been waiting for this reunion for a few good years."
  3058. >she taps the desk with a hoof and something... changes, a door he doesn't think was there a moment ago opens, and a rapidly moving moving mare-shaped blur to come through and grab Anon by the face
  3059. >"OhAnonI'vemissedyousomuchyouhavenoideahowhappyIwaswhentheytoldmeyouactuallyhadasoulandthatwe'dseeeachotheragainohhowhavethegirlsbeenhavemygrandfoalsgrownuptobebigstrongmaresandwonderfulstallionsohyouneedtotellme-"
  3060. >Warm Welcome smiles, and sets the clip board down
  3061. >"I believe questions can wait for the moment."
  3062. >this right here was what made it all worth it
  3063.  
  3064.  
  3065.  
  3066.  
  3067.  
  3068.  
  3069. >You are Fluttershy, gaming with Sunset.
  3070. >Sunset sits next to you while Anon is making some lunch in the kitchen.
  3071. >She just told you a very, VERY interesting fact about Anon.
  3072. "So, he is from a backwards world where men are like women and women like men?"
  3073. >"Yeah, they even have housewives instead of househusbands. Can you imagine staying at home and raising kids while a guy worked?"
  3074. >That actually sounds nice.
  3075. >"And get this, women there need to be begged for sex. They don't put out unless they want something most of the time."
  3076. "W-what!?"
  3077. >Are they crazy?
  3078. >You jill off once a day to help you fall asleep at night.
  3079. "So, if women hold out, that means men-"
  3080. >You blush at the though of forceful men demanding sex.
  3081. >Just like some of your animes.
  3082. >"Yup."
  3083. >She says reading your mind.
  3084. >"And girl does he love tits too. Not sure why, but he will just put his head down on then and get smothered by them from time to time. Of course I get to do things to him that no guy would ever let me do."
  3085. >She says with a grin and just looks at you, practically begging you to ask what she means.
  3086. >Don't take the bait, don't take the bait...
  3087. >Fuck it, you need something to masturbate to tonight.
  3088. "Like what?"
  3089. >"Like I can just walk right up to him when he's sitting down, and plant my face right against his crotch. Just breath it in and motorboat those balls of his."
  3090. "Oh my."
  3091. >You're definitely masturbating to the thought of you doing that tonight.
  3092. >"You know... I've been trying to warm Anon up to the idea of a herd. But he says only if he knew and liked the gal we bring in. You know, someone we knew. Someone like you."
  3093. "I-I..."
  3094. >"Take your time, think it over. But you could have your face full of dick anytime you want Shy."
  3095. >She says with a wink.
  3096. >"Hey girls, lunch is served. Dig in."
  3097. >He says putting down a tray with the lunch he made for everyone on it.
  3098. >He picks up a sandwich and sits down next to Sunset.
  3099. >"All yours if you want some of him."
  3100. >She leans over and whispers in your ear.
  3101. >This isn't the first time she brought up herding with her.
  3102. >You're going to do it!
  3103. >You may be a kissless virgin, but you are stuffing your face into cock before the day is out.
  3104. >You stand up, drink the rest of your energy drink for courage and walk over to him.
  3105. >"Everything okay Shy?"
  3106. >He asks.
  3107. >You kneel down and plant your face against his crotch and just stay there.
  3108. >Then it actually hits you what you just did.
  3109. >You just sexually assaulted a guy!
  3110. >You're going to be slapped and arrested and-
  3111. >You feel a hand on your head brushing your hair with its fingers.
  3112. >Since you aren't dead, you take the chance to breath it in.
  3113. >This is heaven.
  3114. >"Guess she wants in on our relationship."
  3115. >"You do know your mics are still on, right?"
  3116. >Rainbow says through the headset you're wearing.
  3117. >"I know, I'm trying to convince you girls to join a herd with me."
  3118. >"No thank you, I ain't a cuck."
  3119. >You pretty much ignore Dash.
  3120. >It's so warm and smells incredible... and it's getting hard.
  3121.  
  3122.  
  3123.  
  3124.  
  3125.  
  3126.  
  3127. >Earth pony males are seen as sloots because of the large earth pony population relative to the other tribes
  3128. >this stereotype is backed in some real truth because earth ponies, lacking any dexterous limbs/magic, are the most willing to perform oral on a partner
  3129. >also the fact that since their puberty isn't spent learning how to fly or cast means they typically get romantically involved earlier than their unicorn or pegasus peers
  3130. "All earth colts know how to plow" -Sapphire Shores during her Porpoise purpose tour
  3131.  
  3132. >Unicorn males are seen as high maintenance due to how attractive they all seem to be even as they age, how few engage in pre-marital relations, and how selective they are (being somewhat true in unicorn mares as well)
  3133. >a herd with a unicorn stallion is typically seen with some envy based on how picky unicorns are for everything as it shows the mares of the herd excel in a manner above their peers
  3134. >dating one is seen as a marathon due to the fact that it'll take at least a month before even the least picky unicorn stallions will consider hugging their mare
  3135. "They're picky, repressed, and obsessed with their talent, but 100 mustangs can't compare to a fit unicorn on his wedding night" -Princess Mi Amore Cadenza allegedly during an outing with friends
  3136.  
  3137. >Pegasus ponies produce the most janefillies based on their military heritage having their gender roles be a lot more equal until the unification so the softness of the other tribes hasn't been fully bred into them
  3138. >however their mareliness does work in their favor when it comes to fatherhood with pegasus sired foals having the least amount of hospital visits of all pony tribes since they're so able to speedily intercept their child before an accident can occur and the natural hardiness of the militaristic tribe
  3139. >This also makes them a favorite of lonely internet dwelling mares believe that they'll have the most compatibility with the marely colts
  3140. ">tfw no pegasus bf" -Anonymare 4hooves image board
  3141.  
  3142.  
  3143.  
  3144.  
  3145.  
  3146. >Anon is summoned to canterlot by a group of drunk horny mares that botched an incubus ritual.
  3147. >After thoroughly chastising the unicorns and sending them back to magic kindergarten, Celestia allows the human to live in the castle as a guest.
  3148. >She assigns her personal student to untangling the mess of a ritual the others caused, confident that her student is more aroused by the magical script than what it could potentially bring forth.
  3149. >Anon settles in relatively quickly but stays within the castle for now despite having relatively free reign to come and go as he pleases, content to study more about equestria and magic first before meeting other ponies outside.
  3150. >Celestia had to quietly investigate that her student really didnt have anything to do with the ritual, but finds out her interest is purely acedemic.
  3151. >She still subtly keeps them seperated, just in case.
  3152. >A rotating schedule of guards accompany him as protection detail, and Princess Cadance decides to amuse herself by playing matchmaker.
  3153. >With all of them.
  3154. >Castle servants run a betting pool on when she'll earn herself a slap, a hand/hoof shake or both.
  3155. >Her coltfriend Shining armor put a months pay on both and another 10 bits on "a kick up the fanny for good measure, since those legs of his aren't just eye candy for you mares."
  3156. Celestia put 10 bits on for the human to date her secretary, to the unamusement of said unicorn when she was asked to deliver the notice
  3157.  
  3158.  
  3159.  
  3160.  
  3161.  
  3162.  
  3163.  
  3164.  
  3165. >Crow is Raven's twin sister
  3166. >easily as smart as Raven
  3167. >none of the work ethic or ambition, does the bare minimum to get by
  3168. >spends her days fucking with the Canterlot nobles in new and amusing ways
  3169. >Starling is the younger sister
  3170. >always jealous that her older sisters were smarter than her and would steal
  3171. >parents would only give slap on the carpus punishments because she never took anything that was actually important
  3172. >honed her skills and become one of the best pickpockets of Manehattan
  3173. >still never takes more than what could be missed, keeping her firmly in 'not worth the effort going after' territory
  3174.  
  3175.  
  3176. >Raven is a unicorn and Crow is a pegasus
  3177. >Raven had to spend a significant chunk of her foalhood practicing magic and studying it, because its all numbers and shit and not even Spergle can "just do it"
  3178. >Crow on the other hand just flies around, which is mostly muscle memory
  3179. >sure, she's no rainbow dash, but she can fly around without hurting anyone, which is not something most unicorn foals can say regarding their magic
  3180.  
  3181.  
  3182.  
  3183.  
  3184.  
  3185.  
  3186.  
  3187. >Be CholoAnon
  3188. >Currently getting taste of both wooden spoon and la chancla
  3189. >"OW SHIT, GRAMMA, STOP!"
  3190. >"FUCKIN', I ONLY CALL THEM PHAT ASSES AS A COMPLIMENT, OUCH OH MY GOD FUCK!"
  3191. >'YOUR MOTHER YOUR AUNTS AND I DIDN'T RAISE YOU LIKE THAT, CABRON.'
  3192. >"S-SHIT IS ALL REVERSE HERE- OW! T-THEY LIKE BEING TOLD THEY GOT HOT ASSES I'M SERIOUS!"
  3193. >'LIES! I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR CHANGO ASS TIL THE WHITE MEAT SHOWS!'
  3194. >Maaaan this sucks...you never get to do NUTHING' eh
  3195.  
  3196.  
  3197.  
  3198.  
  3199.  
  3200.  
  3201.  
  3202. >Raven is the professional somewhat sheltered sister, secretary to the Princess, never found the time to meet a nice colt and wouldn't really know what to say to one outside of work topics.
  3203. >Writing desk is the more relaxed and crude sister, secretary to Mayor mare, goes out drinking with the boss and other friends where they all lament the lack of single colts.
  3204. >The former gets a surprise letter from her sister one day that basically translates to:
  3205. >"A COLT SAID HE LIKES ME. I MIGHT LIKE HIM. WHAT DO?!"
  3206. >The advice given leads to Raven sitting awkwardly on her desk in soft candlelight with dinner for two off to the side magically preserved, waiting for Anon to arrive for a 'Late night personal appointment' while blushing up a storm due to thinking about the sort of things her sister told her to say.
  3207. >A maid arriving with a short knock nearly made her jump out of her skin, while the knowing smirk and a bottle of wine "From the Princess, who wishes you a good evening." caused her blush to go even higher.
  3208. >Even with all that, she still had a small smile on her face when Anon arrived in a fresh suit, which grew wider when she saw his eyes trace over the scene, she loved his attention to details.
  3209. >A quiet thrill runs through her at his sharp intake of breath upon noticing her position and her unbound mane, his hands twitch and she wonders if he's also imagining what they would feel like to trail through her mane.
  3210. >She makes a mental note to buy her sister an entire barrel of that beer she likes for helping her with this, two barrels if that imagined scenario happens before the end of the night
  3211.  
  3212.  
  3213.  
  3214.  
  3215.  
  3216.  
  3217. >Best magic conductors are in the teeth, not the head for bats
  3218. >Go on trips to speak with zebra alchemists to uncover ancient wisdom
  3219. >Find a formula to grow teeth
  3220. >Teeth are now massive, able to cast spells with them by tonguing them like a clarinet
  3221. >They also suck all the magic out of the food she eats, extending her life span and slowly leeching out the magic out of the environment
  3222. >Many generations later, a young mare travels to a mansion, said to be ruled by an horrible mare who uses her evil charm to seduce and ensnare colts
  3223. >Crashes in, sees her seated with a large biped next to her, eating wafers with tea
  3224.  
  3225.  
  3226.  
  3227.  
  3228.  
  3229.  
  3230.  
  3231. >Anon summons a succubus
  3232. >Doesn't know what he's doing, summons a demon of blood and war from the pits of Tartarus
  3233. >Anon's erection is not deterred
  3234. A... Are you... the s-succubus?
  3235.  
  3236. >Be Aeshma, demon of wrath, rage and fury. General of the armies of Tartarus, and so on.
  3237. >You have been summoned once more. It has been a millenia or two, so you were getting bored anyway.
  3238. >You look around the room. Candles? Rose petals? Is that a bottle of alcohol? Strange...
  3239. >Finally your eyes land upon the summoner. Cloaked in a hood, you can't see her face. She seems close to a minotaur, you suppose. Did some clan break a treaty again? She seems lanky for a cow, not a surprise she'd need help gaining power.
  3240. >Just as you're about to interrogate the thing, it speaks.
  3241. >"A... Are you... the s-succubus?"
  3242. >It's a male?!
  3243. >The creature stands up, and you see it's not a minotaur.
  3244. >Does he not realize that he's mistaken? He's stuttering and afraid.
  3245. >Or is it nervousness?
  3246. >Does he still proposition you despite how you look?
  3247. >You're glad he probably can't see your face clearly in the candlelight. Demons aren't supposed to blush...
  3248. >You always were kinda jealous of your succubus kin...
  3249. >And the idea of male attention does sound kind of... Nice.
  3250. >Geez, you haven't felt this awkward and flustered in thousands of years, since you were young.
  3251. >Cmon girl, tell him he's mistaken. You don't like lying to males unless it's part of the summoners commands.
  3252. ... yeah.
  3253. >Fuck
  3254.  
  3255. >Be Anon
  3256. >You KNEW all those days spent on /x/ made you an expert in summoning
  3257. >You tried to convince Twilight but all she said was something about how "Males shouldn't go near such dangerous magic" and "Why would you need to summon a succubus anyway"
  3258. >Her attempt to wink during that last one was cute, tho it ended up looking more like an off-sync blink
  3259. >You just told her she wouldn't get it
  3260. >You can't just tell her that you get off to dangerous girls
  3261. >That'd probably break her little sunhat tipper mind
  3262. >Oh well! After some trial and error and a couple stolen books from Purple Horse's library, you succeeded!
  3263. >She looks a bit more hardcore than you expected, but that's fine! You're gonna wine and dine this demon anyway
  3264. >You wonder if succubi like Jazz...
  3265.  
  3266.  
  3267.  
  3268.  
  3269.  
  3270.  
  3271. >It is a ancient pony tradition for mares to give their stallion a bread box to tell him you want his foals.
  3272. >A bread box has so much symbolism.
  3273. >Her being the bread winner.
  3274. >Her promise to the stallion that their home will always prosper.
  3275. >The warmth in her heart will never fade like that of warm bread.
  3276. >These meanings and more become deeper if the mare has a baker type of cutie mark.
  3277.  
  3278.  
  3279. >Twilight would probably nerd the hell out about the romantic version of the history of it until she finds out it was all just a bad joke a mare was trying to pull on her husband so many ages ago that blew out of proportion
  3280.  
  3281.  
  3282.  
  3283.  
  3284.  
  3285.  
  3286. >Be Blank Trait, just an regular mare with long bangs that constantly shadow your eyes and an average build with no distinct blemishes or strong points.
  3287. >Yep, just a very boring mare, who also happens to get laid all the time.
  3288. >In school, it was either colts from a grade below you who looked up to their "sempai", or a stallion teacher who happened to have giant balls barely contained by their bra.
  3289. >At home, it was distant cousins who inexplicably stayed with your family for weeks on end.
  3290. >At every job, it was the colts you worked with, which almost got you fired when your boss caught you once, until you had sex with him too.
  3291. >Yep, life is pretty good, or at least should be.
  3292. >You know there are probably lots of mares out there who would love to be in your position.
  3293. >Why, they'd probably kill you for it, in fact, or kill you for being so ungrateful, but you can't help it.
  3294. >It's a curse.
  3295. >No matter how wholesome and tender the love making is.
  3296. >No matter whether they snuggle into your side after and say they love you, or want to get married.
  3297. >No matter how many in your bed at once, you always eventually end up sleeping alone again.
  3298. >It's like these colts are attracted to you right up until the next one comes along, and then they move on to make room for the replacement.
  3299. >It hurts, especially when you see stallions you were with before with new mares.
  3300. >And you should be happy for them.
  3301. >They're usually with better mares if you're being honest.
  3302. >Mares with personalities and faces that stick with you more than three seconds after interactions end like you know happens with you.
  3303. >But you want that.
  3304. >You want to be loved for more than just sex.
  3305. >You want to be with a stallion, and have it be the one who stays with you to the end.
  3306. >But it's never going to happen, because you're Blank Trait, Fate's sex toy, and you are never going to be more than a fling.
  3307. >"Heya! I'm you're new neighbor, Anon! Nice to meet you!"
  3308. >You look across the hall of your apartment to see a tall exotic male in the doorway, and plaster on a smile.
  3309. >Here we go again
  3310.  
  3311.  
  3312.  
  3313.  
  3314.  
  3315.  
  3316.  
  3317. >Cult member tries to date Anon
  3318. >Since ponies are so easy to read (what with it being a kids show) Anon can quickly and easily find a colt that's compatible with them
  3319. >Anon invites Colt to join him on the 'date' and subtly and not so subtly helps the cultist to not spill her macaroni all over the place
  3320. >Anon walks away having done a good deed
  3321. >Cultist walks away with a new coltfriend
  3322. >This inevitably leads to more cult members joining and the cult growing and gaining new and weirder rituals to 'appease' Anon
  3323.  
  3324.  
  3325.  
  3326.  
  3327.  
  3328.  
  3329. >Colt-on-colt fighting can be notoriously nasty
  3330. >Name calling, mane pulling, even biting
  3331. >Most mares agree that it's pretty hot, but even so it can get vicious
  3332. >But, even the most vicious fighting between stallions is nothing compared to human colt on human colt
  3333. >In many cases, a human colt is just like a stallion
  3334. >A little dense, easily fooled, and in need of a mare's guidance
  3335. >The issue is when two human males are near each other
  3336. >Fighting is not always immediately, but it is much more sudden
  3337. >There was a case of one human calling another a "manlet"
  3338. >The human called the name frowned and walked away while the other human laughed and turned back to speak with a group of ponies
  3339. >The offended party walked over, picked up a chair, walked back, and broke said chair across the other human's back while screaming obscenities, which began a thirty-minute brawl that needed ten guards to stop
  3340. >This is not an isolated incident, and nowhere near the most vicious
  3341. >While they might not always attack each other, if two human males are in a close vicinity for long enough its guarantee that they will eventually fight
  3342. >The damage to the surrounding area is usually small, but it can be significant enough to have official channels contacted by concerned citizens
  3343. >It's believed humans are simply extremely territorial, like the common hydra, and steps need to be taken to keep the very few humans roaming Equestria happy, healthy, and safe
  3344. >If able, it's recommended to house humans as far from each other as possible
  3345. >When not around other humans, they are as docile as lambs
  3346. >A test in having a human cross the mirror in the Crystal Empire to see "subhumans" had some extremely [REDACTED]
  3347. >Remember, they might sometimes be violent weirdos, but they're still colts
  3348. >And a colt just needs a kitchen and a laundry room to be truly happy
  3349.  
  3350.  
  3351. >All humans given sufficient prompting will "nigger out"
  3352. >Though some are more prone than others.
  3353. >Human colt temperments can often, but not always, be determined by accent and skin color.
  3354. >Generally the darker the skin color of a human colt the more prone to violence a particular human is.
  3355. >Notable exceptions to this are as follows.
  3356. >Slavs, characterized by their deep squats and fondness of ethenol.
  3357. >Americans, known by their metal "tube clubs" that seem to be a part of their religious garb and their large asses.
  3358. >Autralians, noted by their leathery hide and khaki shorts.
  3359. >And englishmen, whom you can spot by their crooked teeth and ear grating "language".
  3360. >Mares herding with any of these four human subraces in particular should avoid direct contact with other human herds in order to prevent the, less sexy than imagined, "dick measuring contest" followed closely by what is known as a "pissing match".
  3361.  
  3362.  
  3363.  
  3364.  
  3365.  
  3366.  
  3367. >Diamondia's - the kingdom of diamond dogs - official stance on their territory is that, in addition to their held agricultural centers in the far east, they own everything deeper than one mile below sea level.
  3368. >As such they are one of, if on the only, species that can be found the world over.
  3369. >Most countries dispute this claim, but few can actually back up their threats. The only thing the diamond dogs have to worry about that deep in the earth are tatzelwurms and other burrowing predators.
  3370. >Many countries official policy is to destroy any diamond dog town found in or under their land.
  3371. >Equestria has a more lenient policy. While it does not recognize the claim to the deep earth they instead recognize diamond dog settlements - and only the settlements, not the mines, passages, or water sources - under squatter's rights.
  3372. >It should be noted that these rights may be revoked by the crown at any time for any reason.
  3373. >Thusly Equestria, or rather the earth about a mile under Equestria, is home to the largest population of diamond dogs outside the capital.
  3374. >This closeness has been cause for great culture clashes over the centuries.
  3375. >Equestria is a devoutly matriarchal where even the most tolerant mares consider males of any species to be foolish, accident prone, and nearly helpless.
  3376. >Diamond dogs are instead sternly patriarchal, believing that females are to be kept practically as slaves and used for breeding or hard labor.
  3377. >And isn't it just Anon's luck that he and his home grown 'one man town' has appeared at the bottom of Equestria's largest abandoned strip mine.
  3378. >Abandoned because it's right above an entire diamond dog city.
  3379. >Now Anon has to navigate not one, but two potentially hostile social enviroments, get his bearings on a brand new world, and do his best to not help start a war between two very different races.
  3380. >Or he could just putz around trolling everyone he feels like
  3381.  
  3382.  
  3383.  
  3384.  
  3385.  
  3386.  
  3387. >Here we have the common siren
  3388. >She seems to be fully mature
  3389. >Just look at that hair
  3390. >"...What are you doing?"
  3391. >While a siren looks like a standard human, they are a completely different species
  3392. >It can be rather difficult to tell a siren at first glance, but if one knows where to look the signs are there
  3393. >Their teeth are the most readily distinct
  3394. >A siren usually has a set of canines up to an inch and a half long with a shark-like pointed end, as well as a smaller set of canines behind it
  3395. >While they don't look it, they have a bite force up to 1200 psi; the same as a fully grown polar bear
  3396. >"You humans just have weak jaws."
  3397. >A siren's skin is far tougher than a human's
  3398. >So tough, in fact, that they are resistant to hooks and even knives
  3399. >Despite this toughness however, their skin is extremely supple, smooth, and flawless
  3400. >"Well, thank you. My skin is rather nice, isn't it?"
  3401. >This is mostly because of a special oil that siren's secrete, as well as a complex and ingenious epidermal system
  3402. >"Better than having acne like you humans, huh?"
  3403. >Sirens are also known for their natural beauty
  3404. >Since the time of the ancient Greeks their have been tales of men drowning themselves just to catch a glimpse of basking in the sun and singing
  3405. >"And that's why you boys shouldn't be in ships. If you would have just asked they would have come to say hello."
  3406. >Their beauty is so remarkable that it's said to be otherworldly, drawing both sexes to them
  3407. >"Gay."
  3408. >It is not yet known if this the cause of the two species co-evolving, or something to do with pheromones, or even magic
  3409. >Their gaze seems to have a similar effect, though nowhere near as sever
  3410. >"We're just better than you're human women is all. There's no need to speculate about it."
  3411. >Speaking of magic, their singing is certainly special
  3412. >Every siren has the ability to sing loud enough to be heard for up to thirteen miles
  3413. >Their voices are known to leave men in a stupor, and if one isn't careful they can be talked into all sorts of things
  3414. >"And what's that supposed to mean?
  3415. >Sirens, as a whole, are a matriarchal, pack-based society
  3416. >There has never been a recorded male siren, meaning that the females "hunt" human males to find mates
  3417. >In most cases, a pack will find a male that they like, and proceed to stalk him for up to three months
  3418. >"Stalk is such a dirty word. I prefer the term "investigate"
  3419. >Once they feel they are ready, the pack will send one of their own to speak to the male
  3420. >This is mostly used as a distraction, allowing the others to get behind him
  3421. >Once everyone is in position, they will sing to him, leaving him in such a stupor as to allow them to lead or even carry him off to a den within their territory
  3422. >Their, they will spend many days convincing him to stay with them through all means available
  3423. >Through these means, siren packs have a eighty-nine percent success rate in winning over a mate
  3424. >"Not that any of you need much convincing. Once you see a real women you stop all of that fighting nonsense and get put in your place where you belong."
  3425. >Sirens mate for life, and the mating is generally happy for the entire pack unit
  3426. >Even with a mate however, the sirens will continue to practice ambushing their male--or flounder as the males might be called--as a siren is currently attempting
  3427. >"Aw! How did you know it was me, Anon?"
  3428. >"Cause you were stomping all around, dummy."
  3429. >"Shut up, Aria!"
  3430. >"No, you shut up!"
  3431. >"Why don't you both shut up?"
  3432. >"Why don't you come over here and make me, Mrs. Poofs-a-lot?"
  3433. >"THAT'S IT!"
  3434. >Fighting is also very common in pack life
  3435. >"STOP PULLING ME HAIR!"
  3436. >"I'LL PUTT YOUR ARMS OFF THROUGH YOUR FREAKING BUTT!"
  3437. >"DON'T YOU THROW THAT! DON'T YOU DO IT!
  3438.  
  3439. CRASH!
  3440.  
  3441. >It's the man's job to usually clean the mess
  3442. >A newly introduced male will do so with some complaining
  3443. >A veteran will be able to trick the girls into helping him, especially if sexual favors are offered
  3444. >"YOU HEAR THAT? ANON WILL FUCK US IF WE BREAK MORE THINGS!"
  3445. >"Wait, No I did--"
  3446.  
  3447. Crash!
  3448.  
  3449. Bang!
  3450.  
  3451. Smash!
  3452.  
  3453. >...
  3454. >Fuck
  3455.  
  3456.  
  3457.  
  3458.  
  3459.  
  3460.  
  3461.  
  3462. >"..."
  3463. "..."
  3464. >"Eeyup."
  3465. "дa"
  3466. >"..."
  3467. "...*Om, nom*"
  3468. >"..."
  3469. >>"WILL YOU TWO KISS ALREADY!?"
  3470. >"..."
  3471. "..."
  3472. >"Eenope."
  3473. "нeт"
  3474. >>>"Consarnit Rainbow Dash I told yah to stop pervin' on mah brother!"
  3475. "It's not my fault you've got the two biggest stallions working on your farm!"
  3476. >>>"Git!"
  3477. "Aww"
  3478. >>>"Hmmf. Sorry 'bout her, Mr. Mikhail."
  3479. "Is alright. She is so smol. Is funny to me."
  3480. >"Eeyup."
  3481. >>>"That marelet never learns does she?"
  3482. "нeт"
  3483. >"Eenope."
  3484. >>>"Well when ya get done with yer shift tonight there's a barrel of cider for ya. Should go great with them sandwiches you seem to like so much."
  3485. "Thank you little pony. You make Heavy feel welcome in pony land. Is nice to have vacation from usual work."
  3486. >>>"Oh and you didn't hear it from me, but Nurse Redheart was askin' bout ya."
  3487. "Pretty pony doktor?"
  3488. >"Eeyup. She's in that book club that meets on Thursdays."
  3489. "...Heavy must join this book club. They lack knowledge of Russian literature
  3490.  
  3491.  
  3492.  
  3493.  
  3494.  
  3495.  
  3496. >Be Blueblood
  3497. >Dashing prince of Equestria.
  3498. >Bane of Bit Diggers everywhere.
  3499. >And currently accompanier of Crown Prince Anonymous.
  3500. >Little bugger would have been a full on sock toting sloot if it wasn't for you
  3501. >Dear cousin Nonny could have his choice of any mare he wanted but you always caught him staring at all of them, every single mare.
  3502. >Some his age just barley maturing and some three times his senior.
  3503. >It took months to brake him of that habit.
  3504. >But under your watchful eye he's made significant progress in the art of the stallion.
  3505. >He's even started grooming his own mane!
  3506. >And all your hard work seems to be paying off as he's come to you with wistful talk of a school yard crush from Miss -er Her Majesty Sparkle's Friendship Academy.
  3507. >Oh how he went on about a chance encounter in the halls.
  3508. >How she stopped a locker section from falling right on top of him a few days later.
  3509. >About how she didn't mind his near obsession with cannons or Neighponese comic books.
  3510. >You were still trying to iron some of the more 'marely' hobbies out of him.
  3511. >It all seemed like such a story book young love affair.
  3512. >Almost too text book.
  3513. >As he went on about her pink coat and curly blue mane and her castle rook cutie mark you couldn't help but feel as though you'd heard of her before
  3514.  
  3515.  
  3516.  
  3517.  
  3518.  
  3519.  
  3520.  
  3521. >It used to be enough for a boy to be cute, show a little leg, and be good enough at cooking to not poison your wife.
  3522. >The world had been more peaceful than any time in the last thousand years.
  3523. then the fire nation attacked
  3524. >Things started changing when you were in high school.
  3525. >First it was stories about people turning into demons.
  3526. >Then storms out of nowhere.
  3527. >Girls suddenly getting powers.
  3528. >Then it was everywhere.
  3529. >Dragons burning down cities.
  3530. >Dog monsters digging up internet lines and taking over mines.
  3531. >Kraken, Sea Serpents, Gryphons, Minotaurs.
  3532. >The army dealt with the unreasonable ones, the politicians with the thinking beasts.
  3533. >But how do you fight against an enemy that can suddenly have thousands of 'troops' behind your lines?
  3534. >Then, if possible, things got worse.
  3535. >People started finding caves full of gemstones.
  3536. >Stones that, when touched, gave them powers.
  3537. >Pyrokinesis, ESP, super speed.
  3538. >Nuclear fission.
  3539. >Manehattan is nothing but a plane of obsidian glass.
  3540. >And then the nukes went up.
  3541. >Just a few, a dozen or so, but it was enough.
  3542. >Now there are miles wide deadzones that humans can't be in.
  3543. >Humans.
  3544. >Some of the creatures thrive there, and expand out in waves.
  3545. >Half the fucking states succeeded from the union at this point.
  3546. >Every woman for herself and all that jazz.
  3547. >Least we had guns, until the fucking fantasy creatures figured out how to use them.
  3548. >Pretty sure all the big ammo manufacturing plants are gone, so that's good, sorta.
  3549. >Pretty early on you and your buddies found a cave while on a nature hike, back when those weren't deadly.
  3550. >Full of gemstones.
  3551. >You'd heard about them online so you loaded up your pack with stones and brought them home.
  3552. >Now everyone in your little walled town has a power.
  3553. >They're all unique, as far as anyone can tell. Sure two people might have the same type of ability, but their strengths, weaknesses, and the specifics of how their ability works.
  3554. >You got runecrafting, a relatively simple style of enchanting. Just gotta carve a couple runes into something and it runs sorta like a little machine.
  3555. >Trigger, effect, duration.
  3556. >The women of the town are a bit traditional, so they won't let you enchant their armor, at least not the metal, but you can sew your runes into their linen under-armor, their clothing, cloaks, and such.
  3557. >You even helped sketch out the enchantments for the walls that the construction crew built.
  3558. >You're twenty five now and your mom is talking about how you should find a nice girl to settle down with.
  3559. >You're not ready to be a father just yet, you're still young.
  3560. >That's when seven adventurers roll into town hauling a huge dragon carcass.
  3561. >You're trying to convince the local butcher to buy the thing at the exorbitant price they're offering because dragon hide is supposed to enchant really, really well when one of the adventurers comes over.
  3562. >"Heard you were an enchanter."
  3563. You smile at the beautiful red and yellow haired woman, "Yup! Anon's the name, runecrafting's the game! Need your gear touched up?"
  3564. >She bobbles her head left and right, "Yes and no. We're actually looking to take someone on as our permanent spell maintainer. Twilight and Rarity do what they can, but they don't have the knack for it."
  3565. >Adventure?
  3566. >Outside the walls?
  3567. >Hell. Yes.
  3568. "When do I start?"
  3569. >She tossed an old police vest to you, "How about right now?"
  3570.  
  3571.  
  3572.  
  3573.  
  3574.  
  3575.  
  3576.  
  3577.  
  3578. >In the Truly Ancient times, humans and horses lived side by side in Harmony.
  3579. >A herd was considered incomplete if it did not contain at least four mares, one stallion, and one human of either sex.
  3580. >The mares would consist of one pegasus, one unicorn, one earth horse, and one alicorn.
  3581. >The stallions, in those days, were all alicorns, to better fertilize their herds.
  3582. >These herds would roam together, hunt together, and fight demons of darkness together.
  3583. >The human male would be armored in linen, rings of metal, and plates of metal.
  3584. >The mares would be barded similarly, and the human male would ride atop the back of the earth horse.
  3585. >With lance and bow; sword and magic; wind and metal; they would carve out their living space from the ever encroaching dark.
  3586. >The horses of the time were bigger than modern ponies, and they seemed to have great and terrible magics.
  3587. >Modern ponies know of these things only because of the First Cavern. An artificial cave sytem where fossil records seem to indicate many herds lived for a very, very long time.
  3588. >Scientists believe that the humans and horses parted ways during the Great Carnivor Exodus, supported by the fact that the geological record indicates decades of nearly no rain in the area.. It is further believed that those humans eventually became modern day Minotaurs, as their body structure is nearly identical.
  3589. >The ponies that know of this history believed that those great and terrible times would never come again.
  3590. >But there have been more villains in the last decade than in the entire millenia previous.
  3591. >Alicorns are being born again.
  3592. >Ponies, as a whole, are becoming more powerful.
  3593. >A pegasus had done a rainboom, something thought of only as a legend.
  3594. >Earth ponies can throw boulders like they’re pebbles.
  3595. >Unicorns are tearing open dimensional rifts.
  3596. >And out of one of these rifts steps a group of creatures thought long extinct.
  3597. >Metal clad bipeds. Linen clad females with huge teats, wagons, and horses, that ancient, extinct precursor to ponies.
  3598. >There are over a hundred of them, and they’re camped about half a day's walk south west of ponyville.
  3599.  
  3600. >Be Anon, landed and titled noble of what’s left of the Holy Roman Empire, last of the house of Mous.
  3601. >You’ve arrived with your wagon train, your loyal knights, and your camp followers to this luscious new land that you plan to make your new town. It was a gift to you, after all, from the Emperor himself after you helped him spit out that chicken bone he was choking on.
  3602. >This is an excellent spot. There are some mountains to the north, a nice forest to the west and what appears to be a little village a ways off to the north east.
  3603. >You can establish trade with them, find out what sorts of markets exist in this area, and begin your town.
  3604. >You smile, today is an excellent day!
  3605.  
  3606.  
  3607.  
  3608.  
  3609.  
  3610.  
  3611.  
  3612.  
  3613.  
  3614. >Anon becomes a mega-genius, and grows to despise the octopi with unparalleled hatred for what they have done to his species.
  3615. >He decides that he must save his people, and creates a portal back to Earth.
  3616. >The ponies, quick to join his cause, amass their armies to do battle with this ancient enemy, the seaponies most of all.
  3617. >One day, all across the globe, portals begin to open above Earth's oceans, and seaponies descend in mass, equip with futuristic weapons created by Anon.
  3618. >Meanwhile ponies coordinate to attack the aquariums on land and kill the octopi in captivity.
  3619. >The humans are confused and frightened by all this.
  3620.  
  3621.  
  3622.  
  3623.  
  3624.  
  3625.  
  3626.  
  3627. >Be Hippy Anon
  3628. >You studied far eastern religion and mysticism for years, seeking purpose or contentment
  3629. >Accidentally your chakras while doing yoga and end up in small horselandia
  3630. >After aligning the contents of your guest room according to feng shui, your unicorn minder exclaims something about mana flows being smooth and powerful
  3631. >Allaccordingtolaozikaku.way
  3632. >Get commissioned to arrange laboratories and sanctums
  3633. >Even homes, though the househusbands get huffy and almost immediately mess with the furniture once you leave
  3634. >Bring up various other topics of mysticism and alternative medicine with mixed results
  3635. >Twilight Sparkle looks at you condescendingly while you explain the principle behind homeopathy
  3636. >You feel kinda dumb when she proves that it doesn't work, but it's nice how upset she got on your behalf
  3637. >At least crystals still do something
  3638.  
  3639.  
  3640.  
  3641.  
  3642.  
  3643.  
  3644.  
  3645.  
  3646. >Sergeant Silver Sable isn't quite sure what happened to her life.
  3647. >She joined the Royal Guard under the Mage Corps, and there, she was hardened into a soldier serving as a member of the 1st Mobile Bunker Unit
  3648. >The same unit Prince Shining Armor once headed, and she learned quite a bit from his leadership.
  3649. >When she was selected for VIP guard duty, she was disgruntled at first.
  3650. >Silver heard horror stories about fussy, pushy VIPs who were nightmares to serve. It's why VIP duty is understaffed and usually has more ponies who were voluntold than volunteered.
  3651. >And she's part of the prestigious 1st MBU, so why would she be dragged away for something as simple as that?
  3652. >Then she reads the entire order.
  3653. >"Priority 1 Reassignment: Endling Duty"
  3654. >She's guarding the last of an entire species.
  3655. >Suddenly, having an expert on shielding magic makes sense.
  3656. >Her charge ended up being a "human". A male human.
  3657. >As tall as an alicorn but comically lacking the grace of one, he was certainly something.
  3658. >He was new to the capital and obviously frightened under his casual facade, so Silver swelled with purpose.
  3659. >Like any mare worth her salt ration, she'll keep him protected.
  3660. >His skin, so sensitive, would burn slowly under sunlight, so she kept a thin screen of magic up to protect him.
  3661. >Rain would seep into his clothes, and with no fur, he would swiftly catch a cold, so it was a simple matter for Silver to part the rain over their heads with a pane of magic.
  3662. >When the snow came, she saw how he shivered, so she conjured a comfortable, insulating layer of warm air around him.
  3663. >And her human charge, so sweet and grateful, would thank her with a smile that made her heart warm.
  3664. >A pair of griffin crooks even tried to harm him once. In her fury, Silver stopped them cold with a wall of magic before dashing them against the street with a flick of her horn.
  3665. >Her human, her friend, would not be harmed. Not now, not ever.
  3666. >Something changed, though.
  3667. >Her professionalism began to slip. She'd caught herself tufting up at him more than once, and the longer she stared, the more she appreciated the alien lines his form cut.
  3668. >Keeping her horn polished and coat groomed never seemed so important before, but she worried that he would notice.
  3669. >Then he started coming to her attached quarters, helping her dress each morning, or just to talk. Sometimes he'd make a heart-racing visit in the evening just to spend time with her, wanting to know more about her, or offering to rub her body, sore after carrying her armor all day.
  3670. >She didn't stand guard at his morning visit to his favorite cafe anymore, but now joined him because it made him happy.
  3671. >Things accelerated.
  3672. >Now...
  3673. >Silver pauses her thoughts when the other body in the large, human-sized bed shifts and wraps an arm around her. A sleepy, content sigh warms her neck.
  3674. >Sergeant Silver Sable knows what happened to her life.
  3675. >She went from a guard, to a friend, to a lover.
  3676. >Dare she take the next step and become a wife?
  3677.  
  3678.  
  3679.  
  3680.  
  3681.  
  3682.  
  3683.  
  3684. >Be Lyra
  3685. >Be a seeker of truth
  3686. >Or as the ignorant sheeple call you, a conspiracy theorist
  3687. >How can they deny the simple fact that humans from far off in the future travel through time to visit the current time?!
  3688. >It's so obvious!
  3689. >There are even ancient depictions of future human crafts and they are NOT coincidences!
  3690. >Some day you will find proof!
  3691.  
  3692. >Be Anon
  3693. >Be futurefag from the 4chan collective
  3694. >Be sent back in time to observe ancient autists
  3695. >Your time machine got hit by a stray plot device and now you're stuck in the shitty past
  3696. >This place sucks, they don't even have skyrim: the revenganing, the remake remaster special edition hyper alpha omega bigger longer and uncut version
  3697. >You crashed in some ancient fags backyard
  3698. >Hopefully they aren't home
  3699. >"Holy bucking shit! I was right!!"
  3700. >Shit
  3701.  
  3702.  
  3703.  
  3704.  
  3705.  
  3706.  
  3707.  
  3708. >Be Sunset
  3709. >You were in Canterlot Community College, getting that associates degree in media production
  3710. >You could have gone to Manehatten U with Twilight, but the streaming was starting to pick up and you honestly wanted to focus on it
  3711. >That, and going to a real school was gosh darn expensive
  3712. >You had just finished one of your classes, and you were making your way to the lunchroom
  3713. >A lot of kids from Canterlot High School were walking around
  3714. >Rainbow joked you had all gone to thirteen grade
  3715. >Which was sorta true, but now you could just walk out in the middle of class and no one would yell at you
  3716. >You got a sandwich and a drink, making your way out to the area where there were tables and chairs
  3717. >There, sitting by himself, as he usually did most days, painting one of his army women, was Anon
  3718. >You had known the boy since tenth grade
  3719. >Out of everyone in school, he had been the only one you hadn't terrorized
  3720. >You had tried
  3721. >Once
  3722. >After that one time, you realized it hadn't been worth it, because Anon wasn't some usual boy
  3723. >Under that seemingly normal façade there was nothing less than a demon
  3724. >You made your way over to him
  3725. "Morning," you said, taking your seat next to him
  3726. >Anon grunted as you looked around the lunch room
  3727. >Everything seemed normal, until you looked at Sandalwood
  3728. >The boy looked mad
  3729. >So mad that he was just sitting there, shaking, fists clenched with tears in his eyes
  3730. "Hey, what's wrong with Sandal?" you asked
  3731. >"He's getting audited for his Onlyfans," Anon said without skipping a beat
  3732. "...Oh," you said, blinking
  3733. >Sandalwood suddenly let out a loud curse
  3734. >"THOSE FUCKING VIRGIN CUNTS!" he yelled, making folks jump
  3735. >"You know, the HIRS pays people up to thirty percent of what a person owed in taxes if someone whistle blows them," Anon said, blowing on his model
  3736. >It took a second
  3737. "You didn't..."
  3738. >"Oh yeah. Home boy makes a shit ton of money too. Damn near six figures I'm pretty sure."
  3739. >You whistled before taking a bite out of your sandwich
  3740. >A question came to mind
  3741. >A question that you knew the answer for already, but couldn't help but ask
  3742. "So what, you needed the money?"
  3743. >Anon snorted
  3744. >"No. I just thought it'd be funny."
  3745. >Sandalwood let out another yell, angrily eyeballing any girl caught looking at him
  3746. >It had been a long time since you had been a bully
  3747. >You liked to think you had cleaned up pretty well actually
  3748. >Even so, you found yourself snorting
  3749. "You know what? It is pretty funny..."
  3750. >Anon grinned
  3751. >"I figure I'll be able to buy my own house if I keep it up. Maybe a house and a car. Bet me lunch I can fuck up half this school before anyone finds out its me."
  3752. >Just like you said
  3753. >DEMON
  3754.  
  3755.  
  3756.  
  3757.  
  3758.  
  3759. >Like all teens, daughteru goes through a rebellious phase.
  3760. >She laments that her half-human heritage means that no one understands her while simultaneously having a bit of a chuuni streak about being a predator.
  3761. >Her diary is filled with edgy poetry and over the top day dreams about sending her annoying classmates running and crying from her raw human energy.
  3762. >Too bad dad is there to foil her like the lame-o that he is
  3763.  
  3764.  
  3765.  
  3766.  
  3767.  
  3768.  
  3769.  
  3770. >Equestrian MREs are for the most part pretty good
  3771. >not as good as Pa's home cooking, but nothing is if you know what's good for you
  3772. >just don't believe that there's a stallion kissing each sealed case in the factory and you'll be fine
  3773. >unless sometimes the preservation spell goes wonky
  3774. >never enough to actually spoil the food, the Canterlot Quality Control is too good for that
  3775. >but sometimes its got little "barbs" of junk magic sticking out of the array
  3776. >and sometimes these barbs can interact... violently in a mare's gut, depending on what they eat
  3777. >this of course has lead to some being ascribed a certain supernatural aura of doom among the Gals in Gold
  3778. >sure, nine times outta ten nothing happens when the FNG grabs the Appaloosan Cobbler from the pile because she doesn't know better
  3779. >but who BOY can you bet that those girls are gonna be laughing their teats off on that ever so rare one time out of ten when they run as fast as they can to the nearest latrine
  3780.  
  3781.  
  3782.  
  3783.  
  3784.  
  3785.  
  3786.  
  3787. >Reviewbrah continues his reviews as if nothing changed
  3788. >Doesn't wonder how he got to Equestria
  3789. >Doesn't blink an eye at the pastel talking ponies who seem to have reversed gender roles
  3790. >Simply walks up to Sugarcube Corner and buys some cupcakes
  3791. >Sits down at a table and starts reviewing them
  3792. >Ponies think he's weird and avoid him
  3793. >At least as a male he knows his place is in the kitchen
  3794. >Ironically enough, it's Bulk Biceps who first starts talking to him, asking for him to review his shakes
  3795. >Word of mouth starts spreading
  3796. >Reviewbrah become Ponyville's premier food critic
  3797. >"My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined. "
  3798. >These words are enough to ruin businesses.
  3799. >To reviewbrah it's just another day
  3800.  
  3801.  
  3802.  
  3803.  
  3804.  
  3805.  
  3806. >The mare looks to the right, then the left
  3807. >Nothing nearby, she was safe for the moment
  3808. >Plopping herself down under the remains of what Was-Once-A-Tree, she dishes her meal out of the bag
  3809. >Equestrian MRE, menu 3, hay quesadilla
  3810. >Some ponies might balk at eating something 200 years old, let alone subsisting on them exclusively
  3811. >Well, near exclusively
  3812. >She learned her lesson after the first week or so, but she had plenty and wasn't about to let the literal years of food she found in that bunker go to waste
  3813. >So instead she limited herself to one a day, supplemented by more fresh fare
  3814. >Thankfully they were hearty and filling enough that she rarely needed more than an apple afterwards for the day
  3815. >She got comfortable, got ready to pull it open, and prepared to Say The Words
  3816. > She can't remember when she started saying them, but for as long as she remembered saying the words,
  3817. >pfft
  3818. "Nice hiss."
  3819. >she never got sick, no matter what she ate
  3820. >She doesn't know what a quesadilla is, but she's sure it'll be pretty nice, as soon as she gets it out onto a tray
  3821.  
  3822.  
  3823.  
  3824.  
  3825.  
  3826.  
  3827. >Anon has three pegasus foals.
  3828. >He calls them his chicketies.
  3829. >Sometimes he likes to just sit on the couch and watch them play on the mat in the middle of the living room.
  3830. >He also loves to feed them bread crumbs.
  3831. >He has a little paper bag, and once in a while, he'll toss out a handful and watch them clumsily shove the crumbs into their mouths.
  3832. >Pegasi sure do love their bread.
  3833. >That's how he landed his wife, after all.
  3834. >Anon is a great baker
  3835.  
  3836.  
  3837. >Anon unintentionally raises his foals to be breadcrumb fiends.
  3838. >One day, while at the park playing, a little old stallion is feeding the birds contently until there's a thump on the bench next to him.
  3839. >He looks over to see a filly righting herself after a clumsy landing before staring at him intently.
  3840. >"Give bread?" she squeaks, getting him to blink.
  3841. >"Um, sorry little lady, but this here is a bit stale, and I don't think your parents would appreciate me feeding their-"
  3842. >"Bread? I have some?"
  3843. >He looks down to see a filly sitting at the base of the bench staring up at him expectantly.
  3844. >"Er, well as I was just telling her, I don't think-"
  3845. >"I want crumbs, too!"
  3846. >Another on his opposite side demands, suddenly shoving her head in the bag.
  3847. "Creme Puff! Croissant! Bagel! Leave him alone this instant!" Anon the human shouts as he runs up, quickly catching one filly as she tries to fly away before wrangling the rest into his grip, the last one licking her crumb-covered lips triumphantly.
  3848. >The stallion blinks down at his bag and realizes it's empty.
  3849. >"There was half a loaf's worth of stale bread in there," he mumbles.
  3850. "I'm so sorry. Come down to my bakery and I promise I'll give you a new loaf. These little hellions just love bread crumbs."
  3851.  
  3852.  
  3853.  
  3854.  
  3855.  
  3856.  
  3857.  
  3858. >"It's true!"
  3859. >>"It's him!"
  3860. >"I thought the scriptures were false, bu-"
  3861. >>"How could you?! Were you not taught at your grandfather's knee of the Nightfather?!"
  3862. >"I mean, exaggerated! There've been books about the Nightfather that date back over a thousand years! I meant that they were... were.... I-I just couldn't believe that one with bare skin could survive! Would the biting chill of winter not rob him of his strength?"
  3863. >>"But there he is. Skin as smooth as a plump fruit's. Truly, this is the source of his compassion."
  3864. >"His compassion?"
  3865. >>"How in the world did you reach this position if you don't even know of the Nightfather's paternal compassion?
  3866. >"My aunt's a priest."
  3867. >>"Figures. It is written that the Nightfather felt the glacial winds on his skin during the winter, and the scorching flame of the sun during the warm month. He suffered, and wished that none other know the pain he experienced. And when his foals were born, they too were bare-skinned. His ancestry is why we bat-ponies are bald at birth and grow our fur in over the course of our first few weeks of life."
  3868. >"I'd wondered about that."
  3869. >>"And so when he saw his offspring would suffer similar to how he had, the Nightfather held them close to his warm body and suffered in their place. He became skilled in the way of stitching and knitting and crafted and all-encompassing outfit for his foals that held the warmth of his love."
  3870. >"You mean the hoofie jammies?"
  3871. >>"They are.... not called hoofie jammies, Ivory."
  3872. >"They're hoofie jammies."
  3873. >>"They are ceremonial cloths that are deeply-"
  3874. >"C'mon, they're hoofie jammies. Quit playing them up so much. I have a pair at home for when it's cold."
  3875. >>"...I hate working with you."
  3876. >"Well, our new little cousin seems to like wearing them."
  3877. >>"Indeed she would; the Nightfather made them himself to spare her from the cold."
  3878. >"Are those what got ol' Wings in a tizzy?"
  3879. >>"It was a very exciting report to hear! There were those who were skeptical that the Nightfather had truly returned, but they were silenced when he stitched his foal the-"
  3880. >"-the hoofie jammies, right."
  3881. >>"May the full moon give me strength... I'm a little jealous, to be honest. To experience the Nightfather's love and paternal affection first-hoof..."
  3882. >"Same. Those things looks REALLY comfy. You think he'd make a pair for me?"
  3883. >>"Fool! We are NOT to approach the Nightfather under any circumstances!"
  3884. >"You know you want to."
  3885. >>"...I'll admit, any good follower dreams of knowing the Nightfather's love. To know his fatherly wisdom, to eat food made by his own two skilled hands... to eat of his homemade chocolate chip cookies would be to know peace."
  3886. >"I smelled chocolate chip cookies the last time we were here. I think he uses more than one type of chocolate chip."
  3887. >>"Blasphemy!"
  3888.  
  3889.  
  3890.  
  3891.  
  3892.  
  3893.  
  3894. >Anon is into astrology as a hobby.
  3895. >The tarot cards are neat and theres been a few too many coincidences for him to completely dismiss it.
  3896. >Does a few card readings for ponies, who dont really get it.
  3897. >"That one says things are going to get worse for me? Thats not good, cant we change it?"
  3898. >Humours them and reshuffles that draw until they get something beneficial.
  3899. >Its not like it would actually effect anything.
  3900. >Except he forgot to consider that ponies have an extremely close connection with Fate and Destiny, which his cards begin piggybacking.
  3901. >Some things are set in stone for a pony, but there are many more oppotunities for small nudges in their fate towards a better, or worse, outcome.
  3902. >Luna feels an odd shift in the heavens everytime Anon changes a card reading, but can never pinpoint whats changed.
  3903. >Eventually figures out the source is equestrian and goes hunting.
  3904. >Hfw its a colt who stumbled ass-backwards into an entirely new form of magic and hasnt blown himself or the stove up yet.
  3905. >Something that hasnt been heard of since starswirl, who some ponies still claim was a mare with a particularly large tuft.
  3906. >Luna decides to take the fledging practioner under her wing and see if they cant refine new magic and turn him into a respectable wizard.
  3907. >Who knows, if his magic is capable of being taught he might help start a new tradition of "Princess Lunas Personal Student".
  3908. >Shes not too proud to admit to being envious of her sisters close relationship with those proteges of hers.
  3909. >For his part Anon wonders why the Lunar princess is leading him away from the market and mumbling to herself, leading him to wonder if this is going to end in >rape.
  3910. >At least the wing she wrapped around him was soft.
  3911.  
  3912.  
  3913.  
  3914.  
  3915.  
  3916.  
  3917.  
  3918. >Be Comfy; Anonymous' friend that wound up coming to Equestria with a few other friends after a wormhole literally inhaled your house across reality one extra-successful Dungeons and Dragons session.
  3919. >Incog, and Enigma like to blame it on a wizard npc that cursed the player characters.
  3920. >Things were tough settling into this new plane of existence, and you guys did some pretty neat adventures before settling down in the small settlement of Ponyville.
  3921. >Anon even seemed to be familiar with this new world; making things both weird and convenient for you until finding out it was because he watched a cartoon.
  3922. >Now it's just convenient.
  3923. >So now the three of you live in a big house that was purchased with not even a fraction of the treasure you all now owned.
  3924. >Oh yeah, you forgot to mention that the four of you were actually swimming in coin now.
  3925. >-but none of that mattered right now.
  3926. >The only thing that mattered today was one thing
  3927. >Your expensive important ice cream from the Crystal Empire would be soon arriving, and you were salivating already.
  3928. >You could hardly wait to try it after Pinkie told you just how good it was.
  3929. >'Like a party of sweetness, and you're invited' were her exact words, and-
  3930. >*Knock, knock, knock-*
  3931.  
  3932. Jumping up from the sofa you were calmly lounging on like a deflated jellyfish, you were now alert and energized.
  3933. "Dudes! It's here!"
  3934. Anon, who was sitting directly beside you didn't even flinch at your sudden movement. All those adventures made each of you stronger in cool ways, you guess.
  3935. >"That's great, man." Your buddy said draping his arm behind the sofa. "It's the ice cream, right?"
  3936. "Totally, you guys want some?"
  3937. >>"Holy shit, my ears are burning! Did I just hear that COMFY wants to share his snacks? Call Twilight Spergle for this momentous occasion!"
  3938. >Enigma cackled to himself while strutting into the room with confidence of a man at least a foot taller than him, only to be swatted on the back of the head with a newspaper by Incog who had just left the breakfast nook to join you in the living room with some scrambled eggs.
  3939. >>>"Oh, hush. This coming from the one of us that hoarded gems to try and woo- the mailmare? Be a little more polite."
  3940. >>"Hey! I have to impress my waifu!"
  3941. >>>"Regardless, it is rather early to have ice cream is it not? It may be best to wait, and your already ignoring me aren't you?"
  3942. >Indeed you were as half-way through listening to Incog you were already opening the front door to find a large cardboard box.
  3943. >>"Ho-ho-holy shit, Comfy." Enigma chuckled. "How much ice cream did you order?"
  3944. >Not being deterred by the size of the box, you lifted it effortlessly before walking inside.
  3945. "Dude, I donno. Maybe it's sharing-sized?"
  3946. >The sheer size of the box was enough to pry Anon off of the couch, and his suspicion fueled him to get closer.
  3947. >"I mean, I guess? Ponies do love their sharing."
  3948. >Didn't you all know it.
  3949. >"Maybe that's why it's expensive?" Anon question while giving you the old arched eyebrow. "You ordered a giant tub of the stuff?"
  3950. "Dude, if I've been waiting a week and a half just for some store bought strawberry ice cream, I'm gonna need a few minutes to recover."
  3951. >>"If you've been waiting a week and a half just for some store bought strawberry ice cream I'm gonna laugh my butt off."
  3952. >Enigma was swatted once again by Incog, whom of which stepped forward while pulling a box cutter from his back pocket.
  3953. >>>"Well, let's not dawdle longer than needed. How about we find out what we're in for, hm?"
  3954.  
  3955. >And with that Incog opened up the box revealing three things.
  3956. >An excessive amount of bubble wrap,
  3957. >An empty carton of ice cream,
  3958. >And a pony with a sweet smelling liquid covering their mouth.
  3959. >"Caramel?" Anons voice echoed off of the now quiet walls of your home as the pony looked back at you all with a blank fish-eyed stare before coming to his senses.
  3960. >Looking at the empty carton filled your belly with a spark of anger where there should have been sweetness.
  3961.  
  3962. >>>>"Oh! Would you look at that?" The pony stated while nervously letting his eyes dart around the room. "This isn't my house-"
  3963. >The four of you could only look on in a mixture of shock, disgust, and intrigue as the pony known as 'Caramel' stepped out of the box and began making their way toward the door.
  3964. >>>"How did they even get in there?" You could hear Incog mutter.
  3965. >>>>"Sorry for the trouble but if it's any consolation, the ice cream was anything but store bought."
  3966. >Your buddies could see your posture straightening out as the features on your face twitched.
  3967. >>>>"I'll, just, uh, let myself out. No hard feelings, right?"
  3968.  
  3969. "Anon."
  3970. >Your voice was so blunt that it made nearly everyone jolt.
  3971. >"Yeah? You good buddy? You're looking pretty steamed?"
  3972. >-And steamed you were.
  3973. "I need you to call Twilight Sparkle."
  3974. >You clenched your fists so tightly that your knuckles turned white.
  3975. "Uh, sure, man why is that?"
  3976. >You stared daggers into the pony in front of you.
  3977. " 'Cuz I'm about to invent a whole new kind of ass-whoopin' and I'm gonna need someone here to patent it for me."
  3978. >The room was still if only for a moment before Caramel spun around and sprinted out of the house screaming bloody murder with you running after him.
  3979. >A bellowing roar left your throat as your friends did their best to keep up.
  3980. >>>"Comfy! Control yourself! It was just ice cream!"
  3981. >>"Ice cream worth five-hundred bits for a carton."
  3982. >>>"You are NOT helping!"
  3983. >"What do we even do?"
  3984. >>"Get Spergle! I want her to see this!"
  3985.  
  3986.  
  3987.  
  3988.  
  3989.  
  3990.  
  3991. >Get summoned by a horny teen Flurry
  3992. >Spend the whole night talking with her about the physical and social dynamics of sexual relationships
  3993. >Reassure her that even though she, like her mom, is 'colty' for a mare that doesn't mean she's doomed to be forever alone
  3994. >She promises to summon you for dinner so that the two of you can talk again
  3995. >Return home happy to have helped another youngster on her road to being a strong, healthy, and emotionally and physically fulfilled adult
  3996.  
  3997.  
  3998.  
  3999.  
  4000.  
  4001.  
  4002. >Princess Celestia enters her room after a long day of dealing with nobles' complaining and signing documents.
  4003. >At least that second part was only tedious as Raven reads through them all and sorts them into two piles for her, one for those that are good for Equestria, and those which are not and need revisiting.
  4004. >At this point, Raven has probably passed more legislation than Celestia herself via proxy, but Celestia has the upmost trust in her stalwart assistant.
  4005. >If Raven were a handsome stallion, Celestia would have snatched him up long ago and made him her prince, but alas, that's just wishful thinking and she knows she'll never find such a level-headed, intelligent stallion to marry.
  4006. >Regardless, the day is done, and Luna's torture will begin, especially because said mare has yet to hire such an assistant and needs to read her documents herself.
  4007. >After taking off her regalia and finishing her nightly routine, Celestia crawls into bed and reached for the lamp, too tired to even use her magic.
  4008. >Her hoof stops as she notices a letter on her nightstand.
  4009. >Blinking, wondering who could have left it as Celestia keeps her room locked even to the cleaning staff when she's out, she opens the letter, absently noting the paper feels odd and smells like... mushrooms?
  4010.  
  4011. >To Princess Celestia, Sol Invictus, Sovereign of the Sun, She of Bountiful Harvests and Thighs, and whatever other titles you probably have.
  4012. >Hello, I'm Prince Anonymous of the Changelings.
  4013. >That probably doesn't mean much to you, does it?
  4014. >That's by design, as you might guess by the name, since it implies we're shapeshifters, and as such prefer to use our innate abilities to stay hidden.
  4015. >As a result, the existence of this letter is a very big deal, and frankly would get me in a lot of trouble with my mom if she finds out about it.
  4016. >Especially as I had to deliver it myself since I didn't want to risk anyling else accidentally tipping Mom off.
  4017. >I suppose I should apologize for breaking into your room; an invasion of privacy against someone you're about to ask help from is not the best way of starting off a rapport, but I didn't have a lot of options.
  4018. >And hey, now you know your castle defenses need to be updated for future shapeshifter infiltration, so you can actually thank me for that.
  4019. >No really, right now would be a good time.
  4020. >You notice that plant by your bed?
  4021. >Was it always there?
  4022. >Were the colors like that last time you looked?
  4023. >Is it too green or not green enough?
  4024. >Could it be... me?
  4025.  
  4026. >Celestia slowly turns her eyes to the plant in question and gulps.
  4027. >wearily, she reaches a hoof out, and with some hesitation, smacks a leaf.
  4028. >It sways listlessly, then goes still.
  4029. >She looks back at the letter.
  4030.  
  4031. >Gotcha!
  4032. >Maybe, but it'd be funny if you did just check if the plant was a changeling in disguise.
  4033. >And now that we've shared a good laugh at my expert prank, we are friends and I can feel comfortable with asking for your help.
  4034. >The changelings are starving, and I don't know what to do
  4035. >The princess sits a little straighter, eyes more focused.
  4036. >What was a bemusing, if not very odd letter, has just become far more serious as she shifts back into the mindset of the ruler she had intended to set aside for a night of rest.
  4037.  
  4038. >My mom, Queen Chrysalis, has her own plan on how to rectify this problem.
  4039. >Invade the bountiful lands of Equestria and take what we need by force.
  4040. >She's being quite pigheaded about it, in fact, and only my pointing out the most recent defeat of Discord, a nigh all-powerful Spirit of Chaos, has given her pause.
  4041. >But that's only shifted her plan from outright invasion to infiltration THEN invasion after she's weakened your kingdom's defenses enough.
  4042. >She's currently torn between her own idea of replacing that pink, lactose-intolerant alicorn with a pizza addiction or my own suggestion of replacing your assistant so she can have your ear and manipulate you.
  4043. >Sorry for pulling Inkwell into this, but understand that it was a stalling tactic to keep my mother from doing anything rash.
  4044. >She's really not that bad, I swear.
  4045. >She just gets a little megalomanic when she's hungry, and she's been hungry for a long time.
  4046. >We all have.
  4047. >Still, manners are important, and to make up for my transgressions, I've left a small jar of changeling honey in your nightstand's drawer for Raven.
  4048. >Not a lot, for obvious reasons, but I hope she accepts the gift.
  4049. >Inform her to only eat a spoonful a day, though, unless you want her putting the moves on every male she comes across.
  4050. >it's potent stuff.
  4051.  
  4052. >At this, Celestia checks her drawer, and sure enough, levitates out a very small jar with a strange wax-like seal, and even stranger viscous green liquid that emanated a faint glow.
  4053. >Well, that lends more credibility to the letter's claims, Celestia supposes.
  4054.  
  4055. >Or don't tell her and let her eat the whole jar.
  4056. >I'll admit to being a little curious of what Miss Inkwell might be like if she let her mane down and put a little swagger into those hips.
  4057. >Putting that aside, however, this is a rather serious matter, and I request you respond post-haste.
  4058. >Please write your response on the extra sheet of parchment provided and toss it out your window.
  4059. >Yes, I'm serious, and don't worry, it'll work just fine, and I'll make sure you get any subsequent responses from me until I'm sure it's safe to meet face to face.
  4060. >Perhaps I'm being paranoid, but a lifetime of being told to remain hidden is hard to ignore on top of being told to always be weary around mares.
  4061. >Not that you'd do anything inappropriate I'm sure, but my mom already thinks I'm reckless and air-headed, and I'd rather not give her any more ammunition for the inevitable argument my actions are going to cause after this.
  4062. >She's always saying, "Your a male that can turn into anything on top of being royalty, females won't be able to control themselves around you, and that's why you mustn't ever leave the hive without your guards."
  4063. >Anyway, hope to hear from you soon.
  4064. >Anon
  4065.  
  4066.  
  4067.  
  4068.  
  4069.  
  4070.  
  4071.  
  4072. >You are Sunset Shimmer, the real one.
  4073. >You think...
  4074. >You also haven't slept well in days.
  4075. >It started a few days ago when someone saw you walking down the street and called out to you.
  4076. >Not just called out to you, but used your name.
  4077. >But you didn't know them, but since they knew your name you just assumed you forgot them.
  4078. >Until they said they were a big fan of your stream.
  4079. >What were they even talking about?
  4080. >Confused, you just said 'thanks' and that was it.
  4081. >But it wasn't...
  4082. >You left it be for a while, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of your mind so you decided to look up the stream they said.
  4083. >Knowing now what you do, you kinda wish you hadn't.
  4084. >You saw... well you.
  4085. >Not just a person who looks like you, BUT also named Sunset Shimmer!
  4086. >This was insane!
  4087. >You've heard of doppelgangers, bit never with the same name.
  4088. >You became obsessed with her, her life and who she was.
  4089. >This thing with YOUR face and YOUR name.
  4090. >At first you were stunned by what you saw but then, after the awestruck feeling ended, you were jealous.
  4091. >She had everything you didn't.
  4092. >Friends, popularity, and had a boyfriend!
  4093. >A boyfriend who fell asleep on her shoulder while she played video games.
  4094. >She had a life you didn't have, the life you wanted.
  4095. >And you were going to take it.
  4096. >You were the real Sunser Shimmer!
  4097. >THE REAL ONE!
  4098. >Did you say that already?
  4099. >It's hard to tell anymore because of the lack of sleep.
  4100. >You needed to find her, find out what she was.
  4101. >It took some time, but you were able to find her.
  4102. >You were going to confront her outside her school when her friends.
  4103. >You were going to get your life back.
  4104. >Or atleast get the life you deserve.
  4105. >She took you life, so it's only fair you take hers.
  4106. >Right?
  4107.  
  4108.  
  4109.  
  4110.  
  4111.  
  4112.  
  4113. >Equestria really is undergoing a population crisis.
  4114. >More mares than ever before are going their whole lives without a family or a single heir since the introduction of stallionism roughly 50 years back.
  4115. >Before then, most mares could find a place in a herd and make something of themselves. The population, still comfortably below Equestria's natural carrying capacity, was growing at an average of 2.1 foals per mare.
  4116. >Now? It's 1.05 foals per mare and barely holding.
  4117. >Not to say there aren't good stallions out there. Many are still happy to play their role, but the loss of even a few percent makes serious waves.
  4118. >Some blame putting stallions on a pedestal and affording them too many rights, others blame mares giving up and turning inward, but regardless of the root cause it's leaving many sore.
  4119. >Then you come along into this silent crisis and several things jump out at you.
  4120. >1. You can be a househusband with zero ridicule. Well, almost zero. A few stallions might whine about it.
  4121. >2. You can have more than one wife. More than one wife who will be extremely happy with you even with such a different culture and body plan. They even treat each other like sisters and jealously does not seem to exist.
  4122. >3. Foals are utterly adorable and a trip to the local clinic confirms that you and any waifus can have foals of your own. You can indulge that primal urge to be a dad all you want.
  4123. >Damn. Damn! This must be heaven! A horse-shaped heaven!
  4124. >You settle with a loving herd of 4 before the year is out, and to their delight, take to being a husband like a pro. Shortly after, three of your mares are pregnant, and you asure them it won't be the last time.
  4125. >Little do you know, you're being watched.
  4126. >Celestia has been ruminating over the population crisis for a while. Her attempts to turn things around without overstepping her bounds aren't helping at all.
  4127. >She's been keeping an eye on you as a side project. It's not every day an unwitting planeswalker settles in Equestria.
  4128. >Pondering the population crisis, she checks upon you and is astounded by the sheer speed and expertise you've taken to being a homemaker. 4 radiantly happy mares, 3 healthy foals with another 2 on the way, and you've not lost your smile the entire time she's been scrying you.
  4129. >Wait, that might just be it!
  4130. >She needs an icon of what a good homemaker looks like! One to be a role model and stop all this silly stallionism nonsense! One who grabs and demands attention.
  4131. >Who better than an alien, who can charm and mystify young stallions across the land, implanting the idea that a good male is one like the human?
  4132. >Celestia starts a letter with a wide smile. Inwardly, she feels a little bad about the sudden upheaval this might cause, but she's certain the hard human can handle it.
  4133. >
  4134. >The day after, you check the mail humming a little tune as you hold your youngest, sleeping colt in your free arm.
  4135. >...Why does this letter say your family was granted a noble title out of nowhere?
  4136.  
  4137.  
  4138.  
  4139.  
  4140.  
  4141.  
  4142.  
  4143. >Be Cholo Anon
  4144. >Shopping again
  4145. >That blue one is about to fuckin get it, homes
  4146. >Man can only take so much
  4147. >You feel her stare burning into you from behind
  4148. >Orale' here we go..just the mare you wanna see about now
  4149. >"Um, scuse me, Ms. Officer?"
  4150. >The 5-0 mare patrolling the market place turns around slowly
  4151. >'Look hon', if you think you got swindled that oughta just teach you to bring your wife with you nex tiii-...ahh..oh my..'
  4152. >Once she finishes looking up at you she quickly gains her bearings and puffs out the little tuft through her uniforms collar
  4153. >"*Ahem* H-How may I service-, be of service to you, sir?"
  4154. >Is she trying to make her voice deep and authoritative too? Chh, too fuckin cute, man
  4155. >'Look I know I'm still the new blood around here an like, I ain't tryin' to make waves, but..'
  4156. >Alright ese' play it up
  4157. >'..I-I'm feelin' really uncomfortable right now, you know? I got some ehh unwanted attention flying around me.'
  4158. >You raise your brows and give a subtle nod upwards
  4159. >Officer too cute for words looks up and sees the culprit trying to hide in a cloud
  4160. >Her muzzle scrunches as she frowns
  4161. >"Element of harmony or not the law still applies to you and you'll be doing hard time in Peligriffin Bay if you keep accosting innocent stallions like this, RAINBOW DASH."
  4162. >If Blue Pendeja was smart she woulda just left then an there..
  4163. "AH C'MON, MARE TO MARE DON'T BULLSHIT ME AND TELL ME HE'S NOT ASKING FOR IT WITH THOSE SOCKS!"
  4164. >Let's go for the Oscar, eh
  4165. >'P-Please, Officer..I-I don't want to chance emboldening her to act on her base impulses next time..I-I just dress like this because it's comfortable.'
  4166. >You cower behind her and put both hands on her flanks
  4167. >"D-D-During my shift? UHH I-I mean, that's it, Dash! Consider yourself ticketed for Harassment of a stallion! You and I have a date in Dept 69 before Judge Spinster, and she loooves you 'don't take no for an answer' types.'
  4168. >A pegasii officer is on scene in a flash and boops Dash's snoot with a ticket
  4169. >Ahahaaa fuckin' busted an disgusted
  4170. >"M-Mister Verde, you can let go of me now, she's gone.."
  4171. >'Ah, my bad..I wasn't tryin' you know..like get too familiar an shit, my sincerest apologies, Officer. I just wish there was some way I could repay your kindness..and bravery.'
  4172. >Somethins clickin here, hombre..maybe that purple one wasn't just trying to sell you some weird mormon stuff when she mentioned you oughta get girlfriends..
  4173. >"A-All in a days work, m'lord."
  4174. >'Hey, speaking of..when is your days work over?'
  4175. >Ahhh shit man, this has to be like an xbox achievement for you right here; making a cop blush
  4176.  
  4177.  
  4178.  
  4179.  
  4180.  
  4181.  
  4182. >Over a thousand years ago, Celestia and Luna had another Alicorn sister (For those who prefer virginal Celestia and Luna, or at least who haven't had children)
  4183. >Her death in part helped to turn Luna into Nightmare Moon
  4184. >However this sister was also a little wilder than her siblings, and had a number of offspring before her death after quite a few exotic vacations
  4185. >40 generations later and there are two bloodlines that actually survived, others having faded away through whatever reason (One being that herding wouldn't always give every mare a direct blood related child, but the children would be loved by the entire herd as one of their own all the same)
  4186. >One of them culminates, through careful selective breeding, in who else but Blueblood, who's family tree can be traced all the way back to the Royal sisters
  4187. >Of course any magical testing would result in him being seen as having 100% Unicorn lineage, as he is only their relation by an extreme distance
  4188. >Nonetheless he is considered a Prince and 'cousin' thanks to his documented ancestry
  4189.  
  4190. >This wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for Cadence, the other surviving bloodline, who had similarly been considered a Princess before her ascension
  4191. >Now that she has a visually apparent link to her heritage and royalty, has been given her own Kingdom to rule, and has had an Alicorn child, stallionist movements are up in arms (hooves?)
  4192. >Common ponies, as well as nobles, are increasingly upset over Prince Bluebloods minor role, and not being seen as 'real' royalty
  4193. >"Stallions need greater representation as rulers!"
  4194. >"Do only mares get to ascend or what?!"
  4195. >"Blueblood needs more respect!"
  4196. >"ALL. STALLIONS. ARE. KINGS!!!"
  4197. >Thus it falls to magical protege and powerhouse Twilight Sparkle to definitively prove Blueblood's bloodline, decreed by Princess Celestia
  4198. >"It will at least satisfy those stallions for a while, and we can't give him a Kingdom to rule of his own. Too small and it would be an insult, and anything approaching proper would be too much for a stallion to handle. Besides, Blueblood is perfect in his current royal position."
  4199. >After a lot of trial and error, Twilight creates a spell to much better detect a pony's lineage, up to 57 generations back, and to the absolute tiniest percentages that would otherwise go completely undetected
  4200. >The day of triumph also marks the creation of Equestria thanks to important ponies
  4201. >In front of a crowd of stallionists, nobles, and the Princesses, in a duo celebration of important stallions, Twilight casts the spell, and proves that Blueblood is 0.000000000093% Alicorn, and related to the Royal sisters
  4202.  
  4203. >However, being a perfectionist, Twilight also found a way to track down anyone else with the merest trace of Alicorn ancestry, with the idea that if another stallion is found, it will further help shut the nobles up as stallion representation can be increased
  4204. >Blueblood is against the idea (Depending on if you like secret good guy who's simply tired of gold diggers and royal protocols, it's either because Blueblood wants to keep being the only stallion royal himself and stay special, or because he doesn't want any unwanted attention and responsibility thrust upon someone with no choice in the matter)
  4205. >Either way, the spell is cast
  4206. >Strangely, it's taking a supreme amount of effort and magical power, but Twilight struggles through, and simultaneously discovers one other surviving descendant, while opening a portal to greet them
  4207. >Now panting from magical exertion, she wearily pokes her head through to start springing the good news on the newly recognised royal, she-
  4208. >Oh!
  4209. >Well, that isn't a pony at all!
  4210.  
  4211. >1082 years ago
  4212. >Be Tom
  4213. >Tilling the land, just saw some kind of small majestic horse step out from the ether
  4214. >It winks at you, turns around, and lowers its front half to the ground
  4215. >It's a she
  4216. >......
  4217. >Guess you're gonna fuck an angel or whatever this is
  4218.  
  4219.  
  4220.  
  4221.  
  4222.  
  4223.  
  4224. >Be Principal Celestia
  4225. >Today had started out wonderfully
  4226. >You had yourself a lovely breakfast, the ride to work was without traffic, and you had no paperwork upon entering your office
  4227. >Like you said, wonderful
  4228. >Things were less than wonderful at the moment however
  4229. >There were two student in your office
  4230. >An Anon E. Mous and a Aryanne
  4231. >Both looked less than happy to be here
  4232. >While Anon at least looked presentable, the young woman in front of you was much less so
  4233. >She was wearing, of all things, an S.S. officers outfit, complete with a red patch with a swastika
  4234. >Her blouse was also unbuttoned so that she was showing far too much cleavage, which would have sent her to your office in itself
  4235. >Especially with the size of the girls' chest
  4236. >She might have been as large as you, if not a bit bigger
  4237. >How in the world the girl had been able to set foot in this school was beyond you
  4238. >Luna usually stalked the halls, checking to see if boys were wearing proper length shorts and shirts
  4239. >You sighed, leaning forward in your seat
  4240. "Now, may I ask you why in the name of the goddess you both attacked Starlight?"
  4241. >Anon's face scrunched up
  4242. >"She was setting up commie propaganda in the main hall," he said
  4243. >"Ja, ze schmutziger Kommunist was walking around as if she owned ze place," Aryanne said, blowing her blond hair out of her face. "She needed to be taught a lesson."
  4244. >"Shut your mouth, facist," Anon said, looking over at her. "Human beings are talking."
  4245. >The girl laughed
  4246. >"Oh Anon, mein sweet liebling..."
  4247. >"We speak English in this country."
  4248. >You loudly cleared your throat
  4249. >Aryanne had always been somewhat of an issue
  4250. >She had... interesting ideas, and was very vocal about them
  4251. >Anon hadn't been a problem student until very recently
  4252. >Most boys his age just cared about makeup and clothes
  4253. >Not him
  4254. >Unfortunately
  4255. >You had listened to some of his rantings
  4256. >It had given you a headache
  4257. >How were parents teaching their children these days?
  4258. "You both understand that you're in a lot of trouble, correct?" you asked.
  4259. >Anon snorted
  4260. >"You know as well as I do the worst we'll get is a suspension," he said. "Schools don't expel students for behavior anymore. They can't even discipline; that's because of your unions."
  4261. "Anon, I don't believe--"
  4262. >"It's your parents' that fucked things up. If you could beat kids like they used to kids would have proper discipline and respect for authority. There are probably some punks smoking pot in a bathroom right now and you can't do anything about it!"
  4263. >He leaned back into his chair, crossing his arms
  4264. >Aryanne smiled
  4265. >"Zis boy has a good head on his shoulders," she said, reaching over to pat his shoulder, which Anon didn't seem to happy about. "Ze fuhrer had boys like zis in mind for ze motherland!"
  4266. >"Your fuhrer was a failed painter and a drug addict. She should have blown her head off in the 1920s," Anon said
  4267. >Aryanne frowned
  4268. >Puffing her chest out, she turned toward him, opening her mouth for what would no doubt be a rant.
  4269. >You smacked a hand against your desk none too lightly
  4270. "Be quiet. I'm going to call both of your parents. Despite what you think, Anonymous, you will very much be in trouble," you said, pinching the bridge of your nose
  4271. >Unfortunately, he wasn't exactly wrong
  4272. >Neither would be expelled
  4273. >Doing so would be far more trouble than it was worth
  4274. >Besides, doing that never sat well with you
  4275. >Still, you'd do your best to see that both were punished
  4276. >Starlight wasn't seriously injured, but a precedent needed to be set with these sorts of things
  4277. "Before that, I'd like to know something. Anon, you don't seem to care for Mrs. Aryanne here. Why in the world would you help her attack Starlight?"
  4278. >Anonymous's eyes narrowed
  4279. >"I hate myself a facist, but there's nothing I hate more than a communist. Better dead than goddamn red."
  4280. >You couuldn't help yourself, letting out a groan
  4281. >Whoever was dumb enough to encourage this boy might be the biggest moron this side of Canterlot...
  4282.  
  4283.  
  4284.  
  4285.  
  4286.  
  4287.  
  4288.  
  4289.  
  4290. >Be Anon
  4291. >Be stuck in the middle of bumfucl nowhere beach
  4292. >You haven't been able to find any civilization at all for days now
  4293. >You did manage to find a fairly decent cave to sleep in
  4294. >For the next few days you've been eating fish and trying to make stone tools
  4295. >And failing most of the time
  4296. >On a related note your hands hurt
  4297. >You've had visitors
  4298. >Or at least that's what you're calling them.
  4299. >God you're lonely
  4300. >Three dog sized seahorse... Things
  4301. >More like mermaid horses
  4302. >They were pretty skittish when you first saw them but bribing them with fish worked out pretty good
  4303. >The blue one was the first one to approach you
  4304. >It was also the first to not swim away when you started talking to them
  4305. >Gotta stay sane somehow
  4306. >Then came the orange one
  4307. >The purple one was the most standoffish of the three, taking about two weeks to even get near you after fish bribery
  4308. >Today you're having yet another go at making a stone axe
  4309. >I.E smashing two stones together like how you saw in a documentary on stone tools
  4310. >You smashed your thumb
  4311. >Again
  4312. "Oh goddamnsunnova!"
  4313. >"Oh goddamnsunnova!"
  4314. >You hear your swearing spree copied back at you in a sort of song
  4315. >You look over at the three seahorses
  4316. >The orange one opens its mouth
  4317. >"Oh goddamnsunnova!"
  4318. >What
  4319.  
  4320.  
  4321.  
  4322.  
  4323.  
  4324.  
  4325. >Takes you in because Pinkie asked
  4326. >Was aware she was getting a human foster client
  4327. >Wasn't aware you were a guy; the name "Anonymous" isn't exactly gender-indicative
  4328. >Intended to introduce you to the world and her line of work on the rock farm
  4329. >Now she has no idea what to do with you
  4330. >She'd send you to work on the farm and teach you how one farms for rocks, but she'd feel guilty for making you do mare's work for hours and hours
  4331. >She'd try to convinced her dad to teach you how to help out in the kitchen and learn what the world expects of you, but Pa's always been pretty secretive of his family recipes, and he doesn't feel he's old enough that he should start thinking about passing down family secrets
  4332. >Besides, the only other man he's going to teach the family's recipes to would be his future son-in-law, but we all know THAT isn't going to happen.
  4333. >Wink.
  4334. >For the first few days, Limestone just sends you in circles where you ultimately learn and accomplish very little
  4335. >She's panicking
  4336. >Nothing she had prepared is suited for you (at least, so she thinks) and she's stalling for time while she thinks of what to do with you
  4337. >After she catches you trying to touch Holder's Boulder, she decides to turn to her sisters for help
  4338. >whoops, you learn how to take care of a home like a househusband
  4339. >whoops, the way you interact with Limestone, Maud, and Marble makes their parents think they're courting you
  4340. >whoops, Limestone nearly has a panic attack when you casually mention that her dad taught her how to make rock soup and that you're going to be making dinner that night as a thank-you for hosting you during your time in Equestria
  4341. >Her father may not approve of this apparent mail-in husbando program, but he can't deny that his daughters are happy and are finally going to give him grand-foals to spoil
  4342.  
  4343.  
  4344.  
  4345.  
  4346.  
  4347.  
  4348.  
  4349. >"Wait, you knew Twilight Sparkle? The Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship?"
  4350. >You and your sister look at one another, frowning.
  4351. >Well, yes," Flurry says.
  4352. "She's our auntie."
  4353. >"And -- and Princesses Celestia and Luna?"
  4354. >You chuckle and Flurry rolls her eyes.
  4355. "Luna was like a big sister to us; completely young at heart."
  4356. >Flurry winces at your unintentional pun.
  4357. >"And Celestia was pretty much a weird mix of aunt and grandmother. Don't let her hear that, though!"
  4358. >Sunny Starscout.exe has stopped responding. Please contact your nearest administrator.
  4359. >Izzie Moonbow looks at you, an uncertain expression on her face.
  4360. >"You speak of them as though they're still around?"
  4361. >Flurry waves her hooves.
  4362. >"They mostly exist in the Plane of Ascension now, along with our mother. We talk to them every other day or so."
  4363. >Izzie Moonbow.exe has stopped responding. Please contact your nearest administrator.
  4364. "We're the only alicorns still left on this plane -- and that's because I had to fix another one of my sister's fuck ups. Again."
  4365. >"It was one bucking time, Anon!"
  4366. >She gives you a filthy look.
  4367. >"And let's not even mention the Moon Cheese Incident!"
  4368. >You wince and take a step back.
  4369. "Fair enough.."
  4370.  
  4371.  
  4372.  
  4373.  
  4374.  
  4375. >Be Sunset
  4376. >You thought that website Fluttershy had sent you was bullcrap
  4377. >www. mailordermen .com. shitpost.shitpostian
  4378. >The site had insisted that you'd be sent a man of "lovely stature and temperament; someone that knows how to cook and clean and take care of all of your needs"
  4379. >All you needed to do was shill out twenty-five hundred bucks
  4380. >You had laughed at it at first
  4381. >Who in their right minds would believe something like that?
  4382. >But, after a night of drinking with your chat on stream, the site had come up in conversation
  4383. >You had made a joke that you'd "buy" yourself a mail ordered husband if someone in the chat donated five hundred dollars
  4384. >Three, not one, five hundred dollar donations quickly poured in, one after the other
  4385. >You remember laughing while clicking onto the site
  4386. >The morning after, you hadn't been laughing that much
  4387. >Goddess knows who had your information now
  4388. >Still, there wasn't anything you could do
  4389. >You had called your bank, wanting to cancel the payment only to be told that it couldn't be cancelled until three months had passed
  4390. >Something about making sure you hadn't received the "product"
  4391. >Since you couldn't tell them exactly what the product was, you had ordered yourself a new credit card and changed all your passwords, irritated
  4392. >Two months had passed, and sure enough you didn't get squat
  4393. >Then, on a Tuesday, you opened your front door to see a giant box
  4394. >The address said that it was from a place called Shitpostastan
  4395. >You hadn't been all that good at Geography, but you were pretty sure it was one of those eastern block countries
  4396. >Now a little nervous, you got a hold of a crowbar
  4397. >It took a bit, but you were able to yank the front half of the box apart
  4398. >Inside of it was one of the biggest humans that you had ever seen
  4399. >A boy, wearing a track suit
  4400. >He had smiled when he saw you, letting out a "Пpивeт мoя poзa!"
  4401. >His name was Anonymous
  4402. >Your new "husband"
  4403. >The site you had bought him from had shipped him all the way to you
  4404. >He didn't speak enquish very well, but he seemed very happy to see you
  4405. >To say you were terrified that you actually bought a human being was the understatement of the century
  4406. >You didn't know what to do, and you most certainly didn't want to go to jail, so you herded him into your house
  4407. >He immediately made his way into your kitchen and began cooking, talking a mile a minute in broken enquish
  4408. >Somehow, he managed to take the meager foodstuff you had around the house and turn it into a delicious meal
  4409. >A month had passed since he appeared on your doorstep
  4410. >Your house was spotless, everyday you were fed like a queen, and you had a friendly giant treating you like you were royalty
  4411. >If you weren't so scared of being caught, you'd have enjoyed the treatment
  4412. >You just prayed he didn't want past any cameras while you were streaming...
  4413.  
  4414.  
  4415.  
  4416.  
  4417.  
  4418.  
  4419. >Be Fifth Wheel, an earth mare with mediocre looks and crap talent.
  4420. >That would be a recipe to spending rest of your days struggling to get accepted into even least picky herds, however one day you stumbled upon this mail-order husband thing.
  4421. >Normally you'd brush it off as an obvious scam, but you were desperate at that point.
  4422. >You filled that dumb personality test for best match and sent it.
  4423. >When you actually had your 'package' arrive you just plopped down on your tushie in surprise.
  4424. >Instead of meek and subby husbando you wished for you got a towering slab of muscle, with several scars and even some strange tattoos.
  4425. >There had to be some kind a mistake...
  4426. >But... It's not like-
  4427. >It's not like you could send him back, right?
  4428. >He spoke in broken equish and often got into angry rants about something called 'Chechens', whatever that might be.
  4429. >On the other hoof, he kinda grew on you. Daily pets and snuggling were divine and he was a rather inventive cook.
  4430. >The dishes weren't exquisite in the slightest, but by Celestia, he could turn practically anything into a serviceable meal.
  4431. >In a week you moved from junk food to healthiest diet you've had in decades!
  4432. >However your husband takes special pleasure in spoiling you every now and then.
  4433. >Today was one of these days, and he's been hard at work in the kitchen for the last half-an-hour, teasing your olfactory senses something fierce.
  4434. >Sudden ruckus rips you from your daydream.
  4435. >"HAY!"
  4436. >That's a mare's voice! Some clit-for-brains is trying to steal your husbando right from your kitchen!
  4437. >"NO! BAD! NO TOUCHING BLINI!"
  4438. >*BWANG!*
  4439. >You buck the kitchen door open but there are no perpetrators in sight.
  4440. >Anon grumpily looks out the window that is swung wide open. There's a slightly dented pan in his hand.
  4441. >"So this fast blue dog comrades warned me about."
  4442. >There are some cerulean feathers on the floor, which he promptly cleans up and dumps into the trashcan.
  4443. >Well that's a problem that took care of itself! You'll have to keep a closer eye on the windows from now on, though...
  4444. >But what's more important, you're getting treated to pancakes with honey today!
  4445. >Meanwhile, be much more purple and stern.
  4446. >Be Tempest the Traumatized Plum.
  4447. >You gave that stupid mail-order husband thing a shot and look how it turned out.
  4448. >Thin as a rail, easily spooked with barely any spine to him.
  4449. >To his credit he was really conscientious, whatever you ordered he carried out, or tried to, to the best of his ability.
  4450. "Upsies. Now."
  4451. >"Yes, ma'am!"
  4452. >You're picked up and held against warm and cozy chest.
  4453. >Even though you can hear your husband's heart picking up the tempo, he maintains perfect composure.
  4454. >Colt like that definitely needed a strong hoof in his life.
  4455. >You're going to forge him into a battlespouse that the most elite guardsmares can only dream of...
  4456.  
  4457. >Be Peetzer Pony, Princess of Pink, Pairings and Preoccupation, scrying on your two latest clients.
  4458. >Despite letting this mix-up happen - a major blunder on your part - it seems to be working out, somehow.
  4459. >Love truly is a powerful force
  4460.  
  4461.  
  4462.  
  4463.  
  4464.  
  4465.  
  4466. >With (you) as an example, your daughters grow up with the expectation that a stallion is easy to please, strong in morals, and has the ability to rail mare after mare into a blissful haze.
  4467. >You refused to cross into incest, however. You don't care how other households did things, you draw the line there. They can watch and you will explain, you tolerated that, but that's as far as you're willing to go.
  4468. >Natrually, that frustrates them some.
  4469. >So when your daughters are old enough, the horny buggers leave home to make herds of their own.
  4470. >...And they find out that you accidentally overinflated their expectations. Janefilly stallions with similar mindsets and skills to humans exist, but they're always snatched up instantly.
  4471. >They need a new plan.
  4472. >One that involves a portal back to Dad's homeworld, Earth
  4473.  
  4474.  
  4475.  
  4476.  
  4477.  
  4478.  
  4479. >Be Gold Digger, a frustrated earth pony colt
  4480. >Hail from “mining country” in the Equestrian South
  4481. >Life was simple in “Rockville”
  4482. >You were born to rock farmers and miners, married into a herd of rock farmers and miners, gave birth to foals and fillies that would grow up to be rock farmers and miners—and die a rock farmer or miner, with a boulder for your clan to remember you by.
  4483. >Gold Digger hated it all
  4484. >There was more to life than rocks
  4485. >And there more to rocks than dullness
  4486. >Some “rocks” glittered—like gold
  4487. >And it was Gold Digger’s destiny to search for gold—glitter, beauty, fashion, fame and fortune
  4488. >Canterlot was where you struck gold, not some dull hick town like “Rockville”
  4489. >Where the cremé of the cremé of Equestrian society lived their lives; their foals and fillies in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns (CSGU) and Smart Cookie’s Institute for Bright Ponies (SCIBP), their herds in townhouses along Via Sol et Luna and just right beside the Royal Palace, their designer-made and jewel-laden outfits—which they strut in the grandest of parties such as the famous Galloping Gala!
  4490. >Gold Digger knew that was the “gold” that he was destined for—the high life
  4491.  
  4492. >Be Gold Digger, a young earth pony stallion
  4493. >To actually be in Canterlot was to receive a harsh awakening
  4494. >Canterlot was a ruthless place, where “friendships” could be double-edged swords—where nobles did everything they could to keep the rabble down and the rabble did everything they could to ascend the social ladder, or at least give their foals and fillies a chance to step on that gilded ladder
  4495. >Now, Gold Digger didn’t have much avenues for social advancement
  4496. >He certainly wasn’t smart enough—or his grades high enough—to be one of those eye-catching scholar-prodigies in SCIBP or CSGU
  4497. >He wasn’t fit or brave enough to be in the army
  4498. >No, Gold Digger was a traditional stallion-through-and-through; a fragile thing to be protected by courageous mares—not like that janefilly Shining Armor and the Solar Guard
  4499. >But Gold Digger did have one thing
  4500. >Looks
  4501. >His tuft was perfectly fluffy
  4502. >His ass was tight and withers firm—Celestia knows Rockville gave him at least that
  4503. >His eyes were golden yellow, the kind that shimmered with half-spoken promises and nightfall favours
  4504. >And his tongue was golden in more ways than one
  4505. >So Gold Digger exploited his appearance to the hilt
  4506. >He traded cuddles (and more) for sleepovers at the homes of wealthy noble mares
  4507. >(Sometimes, without their stallions knowing!)
  4508. >He lived off sumptuous breakfasts, lunches, brunches, and dinners that these *grateful* wealthy noble mares would offer in exchange for his *services*
  4509. >But there was a catch to the life of a noble colt-toy
  4510. >Furious stallions would ostracise Gold Digger, spread rumours about him
  4511. >”How could such a *generous* stallion not be afflicted with any of those illnesses, that spread from one’s privates to another?”
  4512. >Wealthy noble mares would find themselves less willing to patronise a mere Southern country colt, if to be caught in his presence meant losing a bit of their social status
  4513. >Status, after all, was everything in Canterlot
  4514. >And Gold Digger knew this
  4515. >He also knew that soon gray hairs would come rest on his mane
  4516. >Sure, he had a few tidy savings and investments here and there
  4517. >But soon the “Canterlot high life” he so deeply enjoyed would come to an end
  4518. >Gold Digger knew what he had to do
  4519. >He had to *wed* a noble mare
  4520. >But all the noble mares knew what sort of stallion he was—and even if they didn’t, some nosy gossip-stallion would “enlighten” them with regards to his character (or apparent lack thereof)
  4521. >He had to find a mark
  4522. >A rich, but naive mark
  4523.  
  4524. >Be Princess Twilight Sparkle
  4525. >Still socially inept
  4526. >Still a virgin
  4527. >”Sorry…uh…Your Highness…I have to leave…a sudden family emergency…right?”
  4528. >Well, that’s the three-hundredth failed date, out of more than two hundred attempted pairings
  4529. >Fifteenth this month
  4530. >Let it not be said that Princess Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville Librarian Emeritus, PHD in Library Science (Honorary…for now) did not keep excellent records of her failed love life
  4531. >Can’t somepony ever last for more than two dates…
  4532.  
  4533.  
  4534.  
  4535.  
  4536.  
  4537.  
  4538. >Creatures like griffins, yaks, dragons, and the like might live on Equis, but the planet is named such for a reason.
  4539. >With magic speeding up the process, ponies have evolved to fit into every niche there is.
  4540. >The main three tribes are the most common, but countless others exist.
  4541. >Zebras, Bat ponies, crystal ponies, kirin, breezies, sea ponies, you name it. Some subtribes even have multiple variations.
  4542. >All of them have the same base problem of low male births, so the RGR is so universal that even non-equines follow the same ideas regardless if they have a gender skew or not.
  4543. >You learn this one day during a beach trip when a seamare wades out of the surf to talk to you.
  4544.  
  4545. >Sea ponies, specifically the partially crustacean "shrimp ponies", are a curiosity to many outside observers.
  4546. >Their muscular tails are both for propelling themselves through the water and as fat storage. Shrimp ponies have a layer of soft thermal fat like pegasi, but need to remain somewhat sleek to retain their hydrodynamics. Keeping fat in their tail gives them energy to burn and gives their tail more surface area to swim with. Gaps the tail shell is a good indicator of being over weight.
  4547. >Shrimp pony skin has the unique property of being bioluminescent, letting light escape their thin coats. This allows them to communicate with pattersn at ranges unfeasible for sound.
  4548. >Although capable of living on land, shrimp pones usually need a generous soak to remain healthy, so their communities are usually along coastlines with the occasional underwater cove.
  4549. >It should surprise no one that they respirate water as easily as they do air.
  4550. >As a defensive measure, a shrimp pone's front legs are fitted with hyper dense fast-twitch muscle fibers. This lets them punch with the force of a cannon shot, blowing all but the mightiest sea predators into pulp. They can punch on land too, but due to the lack of water resistance, the acceleration is MUCH faster. This is more damaging, but a careless shrimp pone will sprain themselves with repeated punches
  4551. >Due to the placement of their tails, shrimp pones mate belly-to-belly. On land, it's the same as any other mammal, but in the water? Well...
  4552. >The mare shrimp pone has a unique talent. They have, bar none, the most dexterous and muscular vaginas of any pony sub-tribe. Underwater, she's carefully control her vaginal lips as her mate sinks into her, making a water-tight seal, then she'll grip to keep him immobile, often curling her tail over his rear and back to keep him steady. Then using her vaginal muscle control, she'll squeeze and milk him dry using wavy, sucking motions to extract her prize. If she's fully submerged, then her vaginal walls will secrete a cocktail of compounds meant to highten the sensitivity over both her and her lover, an old evolutionally holdover back in the days where mating needed to be quick. Some call the feeling incredible, then unreal when she hits her own peak and violently orgasms, squeezing even harder. If taking a land-bound mate underwater to do the deed, she'll keep her lips on his in a kiss, feeding him magic and oxygen charged breath.
  4553. >If you spy a shrimp pone pair cuddling under water in the open ocean, that's not cuddling.
  4554. >Young shrimp pones are born live on coastal land and usually spend the first few weeks there being tended to by mom and dad. When they venture in into the water, they shyly swim under the safety of mom or dad's fluffy tail.
  4555. >Magic evolution be wack, say most
  4556.  
  4557.  
  4558.  
  4559.  
  4560.  
  4561.  
  4562.  
  4563. >Be Twilot
  4564. >Be in the market, doing book horse things
  4565. >Out of the corner of your eye, you could see a massive figure moving
  4566. >Your ears perk up, and you gave the air a sniff
  4567. >Thankfully, as soon as you did the scent was familiar
  4568. >It was Ponyville's one and only hyoo-man
  4569. >Anon
  4570. >You looked over at him, seeing that the stallion had his eyes set on you
  4571. >There was a look in those eyes
  4572. >A look you and the whole town had seen before
  4573. >Anon walked right up to you with a smile and began doing that weird thing
  4574. >He tapped the top of your head with an open hand over and over again
  4575. >It was like hitting, but much lighter
  4576. >It wasn't aggressive either; he seemed more amused doing it than anything
  4577. >He called it "patting"
  4578. >It was strange, and you much preferred when he petted you--those hands of his were AMAZING
  4579. >In the beginning, the patting spooked some ponies, but now you all were pretty used to it
  4580. >Eventually, the colt would wear himself out and get to proper petting and scratching
  4581. >You stood there patiently, trying not to wince as the palm of his hand hit your horn several times
  4582. >Thankfully, the pats turned into scratches
  4583. >First your ears, then the sides of your face, then your neck
  4584. >Eventually, the colt couldn't help himself, sitting down onto the ground and pulling you into his lap
  4585. >You could hear Rarity somewhere in the distance having a conniption that he was dirtying his pants
  4586. >Ponies watching you just rolled their eyes and shook their head
  4587. >You just enjoyed yourself, snuggling closer to the hyoo-man as he wrapped his arms around you, nuzzling the side of your head
  4588. >He was a weird stallion, and an obvious sloot, but you all still cared for your alien
  4589.  
  4590.  
  4591.  
  4592.  
  4593.  
  4594.  
  4595.  
  4596. >Some ponies think that "Vinyl Scratch" is a stage name, just like how "DJ PON-3" is her stage name.
  4597. >Pony naming conventions are usually pretty on-the-nose, but that name almost seems a bit too on-target considering that her talent is DJ-ing.
  4598. >But no, that's her real name.
  4599. >Vinyl Scratch is actually the daughter of Night Light and Twilight Velvet, and although she is a musician, the name could have indicated an entirely different talent altogether.
  4600. >What you have to keep in mind is that ponies are big on symbolism, considering that their special talent is summed up and interpreted in the form of a single simple picture on their flanks.
  4601. >Interpretation and symbolism, as a rule, have to be on their minds when utilizing their special talents.
  4602. >The words "vinyl" and "scratch" can have several meanings.
  4603. >In billiards, "to scratch" means when you pocket the cue ball; a foul.
  4604. >"vinyl" could easily be shorthand for a music record, which in itself can be symbolic for rhythm.
  4605. >What a lot of ponies don't know is that magic, like any form of radiation, operates on a certain frequency.
  4606. >You can even identify different types of magic (offensive, defensive, the result of runework, etc) by the frequency they operate at.
  4607. >Vinyl Scratch's special talent is that she is particularly sensitive to patterns and rhythms.
  4608. >While this makes her particularly talented in musical endeavors, it also gives her the ability to get a feel for whatever magic she focuses on.
  4609. >She can find the patterns within
  4610. >Find the frequency
  4611. >Find the rhythm
  4612. >Identify the magic.
  4613. >And then, she can start looking for imperfections.
  4614. >Because no mare is a perfect spell-caster, and every unicorn always leaves tiny flaws in the spells they cast.
  4615. >Normally, they are inconsequential and won't affect the intended result in any significant way.
  4616. >A levitation spell will still levitate even if you're off your game that day; you might levitate it a few feet lower than you normally could, or it might take a tiny bit more effort to maintain it, but you're still levitating something.
  4617. >It's why any idiot can cast a spell, but it takes years of study and practice to cast a spell almost perfectly.
  4618. >But when you're trying to break down a shield, or undo harmful magic afflicting somepony, these flaws are the key.
  4619. >Think of them as hacking versus security. Hacking exploits weaknesses, and better security has fewer weaknesses to exploit.
  4620. >Once Vinyl finds the greatest imperfection - the weakest link - she can use it to break the spell.
  4621. >Do you get it? Because "break" is also a billiards term, and I'm apparently grabbing onto this shitty billiards symbolism with both hands.
  4622. >Once that's broken, the spell becomes unstable and soon collapses.
  4623. >She commits a magical foul.
  4624. >She "scratches" the spell.
  4625. >Had she stayed with her family, Vinyl Scratch might have learned to become a shield-breaker, or an explorer carefully defusing old magic surrounding equally-ancient temples.
  4626. >Or she could work for royalty and test their defenses for weaknesses.
  4627. >Naturally, she would have referred to her skillset as "Scratching".
  4628. >Because ponies love their fucking puns.
  4629. >MANEhattan. Los PEGASUS. CANTERlot
  4630. >I swear to god.
  4631. >Anyway.
  4632. >But she had interests in music, which her parents decidedly did NOT approve of.
  4633. >Vinyl Scratch ran away from home and used her natural affinity for tuning into rhythms to create music instead.
  4634. >After all, almost no special talent has only one single utility.
  4635.  
  4636.  
  4637.  
  4638. >Vinyl is forced to confront how her "lame" twin sister has lived a significantly more fulfilling life than she has since she ran away
  4639. >well paying and stable job with the guard
  4640. >already a mother in a happy herd with an exotic hyuuman stallion, to say nothing of courting literal royalty
  4641. >and of course she's still got a healthy circle of friends and family
  4642. >while Vinyl...
  4643. >she won't be starving anytime soon while she's selling her records, but even as a famous DJ her cash flow isn't exactly stable
  4644. >she's got more notches on her bedpost than she can count, but that's all they are, notches in wood
  4645. >groupies for days, but more than once she's longed for those days when she was younger, playing with her twin and barely-more-than-newborn sister
  4646. >she can still remember smelling what dad was making for dinner that night
  4647. >she wonders if, maybe, it'd be so bad being with her family again?
  4648.  
  4649.  
  4650.  
  4651. >All this stuff about Vinyl being estranged from her family.
  4652. >Implying they wouldn't support their child's musical career.
  4653. >Implying training her musical talent wouldn't also be an unorthodox form of training her spell breaking.
  4654. >Implying she and Gleaming/Shining wouldn't have the other as a practice buddy
  4655.  
  4656.  
  4657.  
  4658.  
  4659.  
  4660. >You are Anon, and you are a horse.
  4661. >This is a pretty big revelation to you.
  4662. >Not because you got turned into one or anything silly like that.
  4663. >Just that, until you got sucked up into that strange vortex that opened up in the sky while you were out grazing, then popped out in the middle of a strange town, you never really thought about it before.
  4664. >Or thought about anything, really.
  4665. >All you really cared about was eating grass, apples, the occasional sugarcube if the masters felt so obliged, and running.
  4666. >Running was the funnest, especially when the little master was on your back, her high pitched giggles ringing in your ear as she clutched your mane in tiny fists.
  4667. >You hope she didn't get sucked up in the vortex too and hurt.
  4668. >Maybe one of these little horses know if she's around.
  4669. >They've been saying something or other while you contemplated your new thoughts.
  4670. >"-Sir! Please, are you alright? Are you lost? Is there a mare you were traveling with?"
  4671. "Hm? Mare? Well, I've known a few in my day. Usually just for a bit when the masters wanted me to sire foals with 'em. Think the last one's name was Jullie, but I don't think she'd be around. Her masters live pretty darn far away judging by how long I had to spend in that trailer. Definitely not close enough to be sucked up with me. The littlest master though? She's light as a feather that one, and even if she was in the barn or some such, I don't doubt she'd be sucked right out of one of them... windows I think they're called? Doesn't matter, I suppose, just whether or not she's here."
  4672. >You stop rubbing at your chin ponderously, only to ponder how your leg is able to acutally bring your hoof up to your chin for a bit, beofre shaking your head.
  4673. >No point thinking about that now when you're in the middle of a conversation.
  4674. >You look back down at the knee-high horses, who are all staring up at you with gaping mouths.
  4675. "You'll eat flies like that," you comment. "Though, I guess if ya eat them, they can't bite you instead... anyway, have you seen any masters around? Especially little ones. The little ones get into all sorts of trouble. Real headaches sometimes, but they at least make up for it with lots of sugarcubes and snacks when the older masters aren't looking."
  4676. >One of them faints while a group start rushing you with blankets and steaming cups of something sweet smelling.
  4677. >Well, at least these tiny horse folks are welcoming, your sure the little master will love them.
  4678.  
  4679.  
  4680.  
  4681.  
  4682.  
  4683. >RGREquestria has citizenship through service
  4684. >this is why stallions tend to not have voting rights or many pursuits, since they do not have the capacity to serve to their utmost
  4685. >the few that do typically serve as nurses or pencilpushers, which dictates their lives outside of service as well
  4686. >the extremely rare stallions that do serve admirably tend to reach high ranking positions, not out of a sexist “we want a stallion warming our general beds”, but because they tend to have that mare-ish zeal to improve upon themselves that gives impressive results
  4687. >citizenship through service explains canon Shining Armor in RGRE without pussifying him
  4688.  
  4689.  
  4690.  
  4691.  
  4692.  
  4693. >Caramel and Anon are the two lines of defense in their friend group.
  4694. >Caramel is the stick that keeps the mares that just want an easy fuck away.
  4695. >Anon is the carrot that'll make sure the mares that survive caramel are actually interested in one of them and aren't just really determined.
  4696. >Not many mares stay lucid under his 'magic fingers', the only reason aloe and lotus havent snatched him into a herd already is because it'd ruin the stallions 'defense'.
  4697. >As twin they can understand and respect 'sisters before misters' even if Anons version is a bit backwards.
  4698. That doesn't mean they aren't aggressively trying to matchmake Anons friends to good mares as fast as possible.
  4699.  
  4700.  
  4701.  
  4702.  
  4703.  
  4704.  
  4705. >Flash Magnus has a great eye for not-so-obvious traits and a knack for turning recruits that other mare officers would declare lost causes into often specialized guards worthy of standing at the side of a diarch
  4706. >anon is the latest "lost cause" sent his way: some skinnyfat bald monkey. well he's determined at least
  4707. >its that determination that clues Flash into Anon's potential
  4708. >so he makes Anon run
  4709. >and run
  4710. >and run
  4711. >throws in the occasional upper body exercises while he's at it, before more he goes back to slave driver mode and makes Anon run some more
  4712. >four months in and anon can keep up with the rest of the guard
  4713. >six months in and anon can marathon respectably with only a few outlyer ponies able to keep pace with him
  4714. >by the ninth month anon has fully returned to monke, becoming the embodiment of 'muh human stamina' and a persistence hunter like his ancestors
  4715.  
  4716.  
  4717.  
  4718.  
  4719.  
  4720. >On an horsenet forum, there is a thread for stallions to ask inappropriate questions about mares
  4721. >Most of the questions are about if it hurts to run with big teats, or if mares ever accidentally sit on their teats
  4722. >Anon posts the question, "What's the heaviest thing you can pick up with just your vag?"
  4723. >His inbox is inundated with vagpics
  4724. >All according to keikaku
  4725.  
  4726.  
  4727.  
  4728.  
  4729.  
  4730. >Tongue magic
  4731.  
  4732. >Anon can literally taste magic
  4733. >He can taste a storm brewing, useful for when he forgets the posted weather schedule
  4734. >He can dissolve magic by licking it
  4735. >Anon thinks gems in Equestria are sugar, since they taste sweet
  4736. >Unfortunately, he cannot use the thuum, his vocal chords are not magical
  4737. >He can talk to animals and plants, and seems unusually persuasive to them
  4738.  
  4739.  
  4740. >Hands/finger magic
  4741.  
  4742. >Anon snaps his fingers and makes a small magic flashbang, blinding himself the first time he tried it
  4743. >He can hypnotize ponies by wiggling his fingers at them
  4744. >He casts fist
  4745. >He can use limited telekinesis using hand motions
  4746. >Hadoken
  4747.  
  4748.  
  4749. >Mind/Brain magic
  4750.  
  4751. >Anon can read minds if he focuses on the individual
  4752. >Mostly surface thoughts that are understandable if incoherent, but a lot of the time it's mares staring at his body
  4753. >Anon can perform thousands of incorrect math calculations at once
  4754. >Anon has photographic memory ever since he landed in Equestria's magic field
  4755. >Anon can generate tulpas easily, which can think independently and use his senses to pick up what he might notice
  4756.  
  4757. >It's Anon's pineal gland
  4758. >If he focus enough he can create servitors
  4759. >Servitor are simple metaphysical/spiritual/magical "being" that can perform one simple task or subtly influence/implant a simple tough on someone
  4760. >Like a tulpa, but more of a simple code than an AI
  4761. >they vanish back into Anon's mind when he stop confusing
  4762.  
  4763. >Anon literally creates schizophrenic visions in order to tell him shit he might miss, like an ethereal nanny, and makes ones for moral decisions like an angel or devil on his shoulder
  4764.  
  4765. Magical skeleton
  4766. >constantly feels a low-level itch he can't reach
  4767. >has x-ray vision
  4768. >spooky atmosphere
  4769. >ponies can always hear him coming
  4770. >good at smiling
  4771. >highly sought after by poachers
  4772.  
  4773.  
  4774.  
  4775. It's his testicles, the more blue balled he is, the stronger his magic.
  4776. Said magic is also tilted towards fertility, creation and growth. a side effect being that he is able to successfully produce offspring with any other species.
  4777. >Magic is stored in the balls
  4778.  
  4779.  
  4780.  
  4781. the Spine, human magic can be used to perform faster and faster feats of dexterity, reaction time and quick thinking as power increases, like those bullshit shonen protagonists that "fight smart" just how mike tyson said you cant.
  4782.  
  4783.  
  4784.  
  4785.  
  4786.  
  4787.  
  4788. >Acts extra patient with Anon, since she knows from living with her brother that guys can be emotional, distracted, and take a little while to get to the point
  4789. >Goes to Anon when she needs a hand with her animals, since her father has taught her that if a stallion isn't ditzy like her brother, then they're natural care-takers who are instinctively very concerned with the well-being of others
  4790. >Wants to find proper father-material like her dad is, but knows that modern stallions need a more direct hoof if she wants them to do what she wants
  4791. >Can't futz around
  4792. >Sees Anon taking care of her animals and wrangling the Crusaders
  4793. >Thinks he could be a good husband and father to her foals
  4794. >Tries to think of a way to hit on him in the way modern stallions apparently appreciate, but only has the stories her brother told her about horny mares to go by
  4795. >"Hello, Anonymous! What are you doing working out here in Applejack's orchard? Your place is, uh... oh goodness... i-in my bed, not here!"
  4796. >Feels kind of bad when she says it, and it shows on her face
  4797.  
  4798.  
  4799.  
  4800.  
  4801.  
  4802.  
  4803. >Anon gets sent to Equestria.
  4804. >But appears in the lowest level of Tartarus, which combined with "humans are magic sponges" trope, means he's absorbing a lot of "evil" magic energy.
  4805. >Has to fight his way to the top, gaining power as he goes that corrupts his form.
  4806. >Finally gets out and passed Cerberus with belly rubs, setting off alarms (they were put in place after Tirek escaped)
  4807. >All ponies know is that an entity with massive demonic powers has left Tartarus and set out to find it.
  4808. >Find Anon, who despite being a demon now, is still a pretty chill dude who loves petting cute things.
  4809. >Mares don't know if they should fight him, or ask him out on a date
  4810.  
  4811. >Pones try to purify Anon just in case
  4812. >By blasting him with the elements
  4813. >Due to the magic sponge effect Anon just absorb the harmonic magic
  4814. >Now Anon is supercharged with both pone harmony magic energy and tartarus anti-harmony magic energy
  4815. >Anon is now Equus equivalent of a nephilim
  4816.  
  4817.  
  4818.  
  4819.  
  4820.  
  4821.  
  4822. >be Silent Hooves
  4823. >sneakiest pegasus in all of Equestria
  4824. >also self-proclaimed best recon among the newly formed Husbando Retrieval agency
  4825. >nopony will ever know you joined only because long, velvety, thick black socks are part of the recon uniform
  4826. >fuck you mom, it's not colty, it's just comfy
  4827. >currently stalk- ... "observing" the target from a rooftop, using an oversized spyglass
  4828. >the situation isn't looking good, so you grab your Walmart-brand toy Walkie-talkie
  4829. "Girls, I think we got a problem: he is a fat one"
  4830. >"Socks, you can't say that about a stallion."
  4831. "For the last time my codename isn't Socks, it's Shadow!"
  4832. >>"Eh, Socks ... how fat are we talking?"
  4833. "Large enough that I'm not sure if he's gonna fit through the portal."
  4834. >>"... nice. I need to see this."
  4835. >"Yak, stay focused. You two grab him fast, I don't know how long I can hold here."
  4836.  
  4837. >be Golden Russet
  4838. >codename: Yak
  4839. >"Demolition & Logistic Expert" for the agency
  4840. >aka "break door, grab stallion and run back to the portal with your prize"
  4841. >best job ever
  4842. >currently trying to snatch the spyglass from Socks
  4843. >silly pegasus can't do shit against superior Earth Pony genes
  4844. "Oh fuck, he *is* a big one."
  4845. >"Eh, that's MY equipment!"
  4846. "Celestia, I want him to sit on my face-"
  4847. >"Ew."
  4848. "-and suffocate me to death."
  4849. >"*Sight* Could we start moving no-"
  4850. "Eh, do you think he is a braphog?"
  4851. >"Oh for Luna's sake ..."
  4852.  
  4853. >be Starry Diapason
  4854. >*least* sneaky mare in all of Equestria
  4855. >nearly everything you touch tend to resonate nicely - and you with it
  4856. >could have easily made it big joining one of those "living crystal piano" things that's all the rage nowadays
  4857. >"-ing?"
  4858. >but that's dykey on an international level, and Mama raised no dyke
  4859. >so when the agency put an ad for Crystal mares with good pitch accuracy, you thought your destiny had finally come
  4860. >exploring forbidden dimensions, rescuing stallions, all that mareliest shit possible!
  4861. >"-ing!"
  4862. >turn out your job is to stay by the portal and poke it just the right way to keep the spatial resonance going
  4863. >boring as fuck, and you got yelled at when you tried to bring a book
  4864. >"PING!"
  4865. "Ow! Celestia dammit Charm, stop yelling, this is supposed to be a stealth operation!"
  4866. >"Yak confirmed the target's size, start enlarging the portal."
  4867. >with a sigh, you start poking the tear in the fabric of reality 2% harder than usual
  4868. >adventure my ass
  4869.  
  4870. >be "Charm"
  4871. >since you rarely talk about yourself, even the writefag doesn't know much
  4872. >you get paid to maintain an "ignore it/forget it" enchantment on your colleagues, in case of humans
  4873. >usually an easy job for any self-respecting unicorn
  4874. >emphasize on *usually*
  4875. >because the geniuses from the portal department somehow spawned you in the middle of Walmart
  4876. >not only the amount of humans make it a lot more straining, but you are pretty sure your spell is leaking on the nearby pastas
  4877. >there are now at least 4 angry customers stomping in the aisle, complaining they can't find some specific brand
  4878. >one of them is currently screaming at an employee, bringing even more attention to your position
  4879. >...Yak and Socks better hurry, you already had to trip several humans to stop them from accidentally entering the portal
  4880.  
  4881.  
  4882.  
  4883.  
  4884.  
  4885.  
  4886. >You are Fleetfoot, 3rd in command of the Wonderbolts
  4887. >... You'd be 2nd, but that belongs to Soarin and it's probably going to be his for the foreseeable future. No knock on his skills as a flyer, but his position is pretty clearly an inclusion thing.
  4888. >Anyway, you're laid out on a massage table in the 'Bolts HQ, feeling yourself grow more and more frustrated as the hands groping your rump stubbornly refuse to stray.
  4889. >You look back and try not to lash your white tail in frustration.
  4890. >Anonymous, the only human in Equestria, stoicly prods your flank for tense or knotted muscles.
  4891. >You weren't sure what to make of him at first. When Spitfire said the 'Bolts were getting a live-in helper, you guffawed at the list of duties this helper had.
  4892. >Laundry, cooking, nutrition tracking, scheduling, all work of a househusband. Everyone laughed at the poor mare who was destined to get this job.
  4893. >Then Anon showed up responding to the ad.
  4894. >You don't know the full story. Just that Anonymous' pride kept him from herding and living off his mares, but his lack of cutie mark means few will take him.
  4895. >He beat every other applicant just by virtue of being exotic. Whatever diversity algorithm the hiring team at the corporate office uses went crazy when a non-pony male crossed it's path.
  4896. >Anon... Wasn't a happy camper to hear that, but accepted the offer. Ever since, he's done his job to the letter and more than earned his paycheck.
  4897. >But to him, you and the 'Bolts are just his bosses, and never will he let it go beyond that.
  4898. >You and the girls catcalled, openly enjoyed ogling the otherworldly lines of his body, and even offered... A little more.
  4899. >His face wouldn't even shift. Slight frown, dead eyes, monotone voice. That's all he would give. Eventually, the girls began to leave him alone, too uncomfortable to continue on when confronted with that dead stare.
  4900. >The quality of his work remained consistent throughout, however. Your suits are always clean, all of you have individual meal plans and exercise regimens, and it's been months since you've had to fill out any paperwork of your own.
  4901. >Maybe gender bias has gotten to you or something, but you swear he cares. Even if it's only a little bit, he still does.
  4902. >Then he refutes any non-work contact, saying it's not professional.
  4903. >You've seen him from afar after work, and he's all smiles then. Ponies are happy to walk right up to him for a hug, and he's gotten used to the light spirited culture of pegasi much better than any ground pounder or horn head. He and his friend group of mostly mares livened up anywhere they went.
  4904. >You want that.
  4905. >You want that more than the robotic househusband on payroll you have now.
  4906. >In your skull, your thoughts are a confused, jumbled mess. You want Anonymous as a friend. You want him as a lover. You just WANT him.
  4907. >Why does this have to plague you?
  4908. >Why does he refuse you like this?
  4909. >What caused this? Fear of being fired? Some sort of misplaced pride?
  4910. >Even now, with temptation just inches away from his fingertips, the man doesn't waver a bit.
  4911. >It's all you can do to hide your winking as warm fingers press against the muscles of your inner thigh, then you feel the hands shift. One takes a hindhoof as the other braces against the small of your back.
  4912. >"Prepare yourself, Miss Fleetfoot." He murmurs.
  4913. >'Not "miss". Just Fleetfoot. Please, just call me Fleetfoot.' You want to say, but the words refuse to budge.
  4914. >Anon gently pulls your leg, and you feel a muscle in your leg begin to pinch. It starts uncomfortable, then sharpens into a pain until-
  4915. >POP!
  4916. >Relief of floods you when something in your hip pops, and you can't help but slacken on the massage table with an embarrassingly erotic moan.
  4917. >Your wide flanks would be more at home on an Earth Pony ready to start a family, not an athletic pegasus in her 20s. The Wonderbolt suits provide wonderful aerodynamics, but to drop some of the extra drag your rear generates, you've taken to clenching your glutes in flight to slim your profile down as much as possible.
  4918. >Not fun when it results in tons of muscle cramps. Cramps that Anon dutifully deals with.
  4919. >Any normal stallion would have given in to the temptation already. The temptation for a fun romp, or extra pay, or even blackmail.
  4920. >Anon doesn't even blush.
  4921. >It takes your moments to regain your bearings, but when you do, you stand with a satisfied sigh and step off of the massage table with a fluttering hop to the floor. You turn and give Anon a smile, one he meets with his forcefully neutral expression.
  4922. "Thanks a million, Anon. I feel like a new mare!" You wiggle on your hooves, enjoying the limber feeling in your hips.
  4923. >He just nods. "Is there anything else I can assist with today?"
  4924. "Well, nothing work related..." You begin. "I was going to head to Spacey's Place down on 34th Street for lunch. Want to go? My treat."
  4925. >"Thank you for the generous offer, but I have to decline." Anon shoots you down without a hint of remorse. "I'm afraid my schedule is quite full for today. Perhaps another time, Miss Fleetfoot." He says, folding his hands smartly behind his back.
  4926. >Horse apples. There is NEVER another time.
  4927. >You could order him to go with you, but... The more you think about it, the more the idea turns your stomach.
  4928. >He would do it, and not because he wants to. You want him to LIKE YOU BACK DAMNIT ALL!
  4929. You smile back, doing your best to hide how brittle it is. "Hey, no problem. I know the team keeps you busy and all."
  4930. >Again, he nods. "Thank you."
  4931. >As you turn to leave, you look back longingly.
  4932. >His back is turned, and you see him digging through a cabinet on the other side of the room for the rag and spray bottle of cleaner he uses to clean the massage table.
  4933. >You and the girls all joke about having perfectly obedient husbands who aren't needy or naggy or want expensive dates and gifts, but after meeting Anonymous?
  4934. >The thought fills your mouth with the taste of ash.
  4935.  
  4936.  
  4937.  
  4938.  
  4939.  
  4940. >A random keyblade makes a terrible mistake and picks Anon as its user just as the Heartless strike Faggotville. In his panic, he accidentally crosses worlds
  4941. >he has one of the keyblades that give him a power rangers suit and a space-board
  4942. >except the keyblade is also in on the RGRE, so his armor is, while functional, very reminiscent of lingerie
  4943. >frills, VERTICAL stripes on the boots/socks, and may or may not have a battle apron for when he needs to whip up a meal for the REAL warriors
  4944.  
  4945.  
  4946.  
  4947.  
  4948.  
  4949.  
  4950. >Anon and waifu love and marry.
  4951. >They're expecting a foal any day now.
  4952. >Waifu dies tragically and the foal is thought to have died with her.
  4953. >Anon refuses to let her body be taken away and runs with it into the Everfree.
  4954. >He had built a cabin built out there to study his dark arts without ponies finding out, none knowing the kind and friendly stallion was a powerful necromancer who had come to Equestria for a fresh start.
  4955. >By the time search parties stumble upon the cabin, the door opens to a grizzly sight.
  4956. >Anon's wife laying prone on a bed, face sunken and milky eyes blinking listlessly.
  4957. >Between her hind legs, a trail of viscera leading to a swaddled bundle in a bedraggled man's arms.
  4958. >From the bundle comes the piercing wail of a newborn foal, healthy and unaware of the nightmare around it.
  4959. "It's... it's a beautiful little filly," Anon tells the stunned ponies staring on in horror. "We... We can be a family, the three of us, just the way we were always supposed to be. Right, honey?"
  4960. >"Mmmrraaa..." groans the corpse.
  4961. >With a flick of his finger, a silent command is sent and the mare rolls off the bed to shamble towards her husband.
  4962. >The pair embrace, the crying filly between them, unaware that only one of its parents is truly there with her.
  4963.  
  4964.  
  4965. >It's decided that, no matter how crazy he might be, it's wrong to take a foal away from their father.
  4966. >And really, Anon's just proving to what lengths he's willing to go to to protect his child, which, while extreme, are only to be expected from a paternal stallion.
  4967. >There are some caveats imposed by the princesses themselves, however.
  4968. >Anon must surrender all of his books on the dark arts and swear to no longer pursue those studies.
  4969. >And as for his wife's body, of which he was shone to be fiercely protective of...
  4970. >They managed to convince him to at least let them take her to be cleaned of her flesh and the bones bleached.
  4971. >Besides the increasingly foul odor, they reasoned with him that rotting meat was in no way sanitary for a filly to be around, and so Anon reluctantly agreed.
  4972. >Thus Anon, his little filly, and his wife-turned skeletal-thrall did live in the cabin out in the Everfree forest, away from the timid towns folk.
  4973. >The thrall was fiercely protective of the filly that would be its daughter, and with the many necrotic spells and curses gifted to it by Anon, could defend her from any of the Everfree's predators that would try to make a snack of the filly.
  4974. >As for Anon, he continued his studies in secret, working on a way to summon a soul from the afterlife, bind it to a skeleton, and revive his wife in some form.
  4975. >He knew of ways to turn ones self into a lich, but doing so to another, posthumously in fact, is turning out to be a whole new challenge.
  4976. >Just how will the mare react if he succeeds?
  4977.  
  4978.  
  4979.  
  4980.  
  4981.  
  4982.  
  4983.  
  4984. >Be Wight Wisp, ghostpone extraordinaire and scariest mare this side of the Great Beyond.
  4985. >Unlike other ghosts that are bound to a single location, you are bound to a antique coo-coo clock.
  4986. >This is by design and part of your business model.
  4987. >That's right, the cash flow don't stop even after death, filly.
  4988. >You run your own secret business with your still living great niece as the front mare.
  4989. >That business?
  4990. >Property acquisition.
  4991. >Basically, if somepony wants to buy a property, but the current owners aren't willing to sell, your company will intervene to... convince the occupants to leave.
  4992. >Generally by gifting them your clock, and then you proceeding to haunt the ever-living manure out of them so they'll sell the property for a fraction of its value just to get out of there.
  4993. >And of course your clients pay your family the bits they save in the acquisition.
  4994. >Easy money.
  4995. >And your current job will be the easiest yet.
  4996. >Apparently some alien and his home appeared in Equestria, and now some rich hipster ponies want to move into said house for the novelty of it being from another world.
  4997. >What makes the job easy?
  4998. >The alien in question is a stallion, single and all alone in the house.
  4999. >You'll have this fella screaming and running for the hill in three days, tops.
  5000. >You could probably do it in one, but you might as well enjoy the sights, as it were, while you can.
  5001. >After all, when are you ever going to get the chance to see hyoo-man privates again
  5002.  
  5003.  
  5004.  
  5005.  
  5006.  
  5007.  
  5008.  
  5009. >Celestia has lived for so long at the top of the world and being a perfect, flawless leader that she craves some sort of role reversal.
  5010. >She doesn't want to lead.
  5011. >She doesn't want to make decisions.
  5012. >She doesn't want to be held to a near impossible standard.
  5013. >She does want to be a goddess. Not anymore.
  5014. >It's gotten so bad that any new guards put on the "highest honor" of protecting her are shocked to find out that her chambers have a lavatory installed.
  5015. >They thought she just... Didn't.
  5016. >She wants someone else to make the hard decisions, she wants to be able to make mistakes, she wants to be treated like she's made from flesh and blood.
  5017. >Every day the crown upon her skull crushes her a little more.
  5018. >She can't even escape to a different part of the world for a break, because being who she is, EVERYONE knows her.
  5019. >...But what if she goes to different world?
  5020. >Yes... Yes that's perfect! She'll have Luna and Twilight keep an eye on things, under the guise of a test for Twilight, and take a year or two off to decompress.
  5021. >The veil between worlds is thin, which is precisely why it's called a veil, and not per se, the bed comforter between worlds. One just has to know how to pierce it safely to move back and forth.
  5022. >Her plan in motion, Celestia begins vetting different realms, peering through the veil to to find one.
  5023. >After several weeks, she happens upon the perfect one.
  5024. >A world ruled by hairless apes of all things, ones who spurn magic for science. Their society is curiously backwards, with the males ruling. She finds other equines there, but they're simple animals.
  5025. >She scans and finds a little homestead in a wooded region, one where a young male lives alone on a small farm, selling his goods to the nearby town up the road.
  5026. >He seems like he would benefit from the companionship of a horse, so Celestia disguises herself with a mottled coat and finalizes her plans.
  5027. >For a year, she won't be Princess Celestia, she'll just be Celestia, a mare belonging to Anonymous the homesteader.
  5028. ------
  5029. >You idly watch your horse, Sunny, as she happily rolls in the grassy field just to the side of your property.
  5030. >You suspect she's not quite a horse, given the wings, horn, big purple eyes, and colorful mane and tail. Your suspicious side can't help but think that she is an alien who didn't quite get the memo on what a horse is and is badly trying to fit in, but...
  5031. >You take a sip off your coffee, watching Sunny bask in the light of the rising sun from the window.
  5032. >Eh, if she was up to no good, you think she would have done something by now. She hasn't protested to being used for work or riding, so maybe there is no ulterior motive? Maybes she's actually some kind of goddess or something on vacation?
  5033. >...Nah. You're not going to read too hard into it.
  5034. >You take another sip from your mug, silently reminding yourself to add less of Sunny's milk next time. The strangely sweet flavor is actually overpowering the coffee a little despite just adding a splash
  5035.  
  5036.  
  5037.  
  5038.  
  5039.  
  5040. >Anon is impressed that the burgers are still in order rather than a mess of ingredients and asks how she did it.
  5041. >Twilight enthusiastically explains the spell that she used, one that uses an algorithm to make the burgertub nice and neat, ignoring Rainbow and Rarity franticly telling her not to nerd out.
  5042. >Against all odds, Anon listens in fascination and asks her to explain more.
  5043. >Rarity and Rainbow disbelievingly listen to Twilight get laid in a tub of burgers
  5044.  
  5045.  
  5046.  
  5047.  
  5048.  
  5049.  
  5050. >Be Caesar, a pig at Sweet Apple Acres
  5051. >Be playing around in a pond of mud
  5052. >Buck yeah that's some good mud
  5053. >You roll around a little
  5054.  
  5055. >In the distance you can see Bessie the cow watching you
  5056. >Let her watch
  5057. >It's 1004 Since Nightmare Moon's Banishment and you're a liberated boar
  5058. >You don't gotta hide anything
  5059. >Let her stare aaaaall she wants
  5060. >You know you have some sweet sirloin, even cows can tell #SWAG
  5061. >"Slut," says Bessie at you, but keeps watching
  5062. >S-so maybe you are but she doesn't have a right to call you that!?!
  5063. >You'd give her a piece of your mind if you could talk
  5064.  
  5065. >But what's this weird feeling!
  5066. >Oh buck, someone's sniffing your bits!
  5067. >It's Ample Amy, a hot hot sow. You wiggle your butt as she confidently smells your bits
  5068. >She's what a true sow should be, she knows how to make you feel like a boar. And she's pressing herself beneath you
  5069. >You know you shouldn't but what the hell, you're a slut and you gonna own it. You allow it #YOLO
  5070. >Her snatch swallows your member, you can't help but pound her automatically
  5071. >"That's right, buck that slut," says Bessie to Ample Amy, watching from a distance as before
  5072. >You pound her some more
  5073. >Bessie's right
  5074. >You're a slut piggy, a filthy filthy pig made for pounding by sows
  5075. >You squeal and come in Ample Amy's snatch
  5076. >She oinks and walks away
  5077. >Buck that was some good pounding
  5078. >You lay down in exhaustion
  5079.  
  5080. >Just then you see another sow, Dorky Sally. approaching you
  5081. >"Buck them all, slut," comments Bessie, still watching
  5082. >Buck no you don't want that dork Sally
  5083. >But you're too exhausted to resist now
  5084. >Buck
  5085. >She moves into position
  5086. >You can't help but cooperate
  5087. >You two buck a bit
  5088. >Sally snorts and oinks as you both reach satisfaction, and shuffles away
  5089.  
  5090. >Bessie's still watching
  5091. >"Bessie! Are you perving again? Come now, it's milking time!" says Applejack
  5092. >Bessie moos and relents and goes with her
  5093. >Bessie, Ample Amy, Dorky Sally and Applejack have all left
  5094. >The only one left at pond of mud is now you
  5095. >Covered in mud and sexual juices
  5096. >That's a day in the life of a slut little piggy
  5097. >It's a slut life
  5098.  
  5099.  
  5100.  
  5101.  
  5102.  
  5103.  
  5104. >The week has gone by so quickly, and so much has gone on that Twilight's head is nearly spinning.
  5105. >Nine days ago, SOMETHING came from the Abyssal Bubble in deep space, a place where a galactic supercluster should occupy, yet nothing was there.
  5106. >The Abyssal Bubble has baffled ponies for decades. Some speculated that it was random chance that nothing occupied the space, while others theorized that there is something there, they simply can't see it. Some even said it was a zone so devoid of magic that the light from the stars there had no photonic mana charge associated with their light, making it impossible for high-power telescopes to pick up anything.
  5107. >Surely the last one is just insanity, correct? Life requires mana to function. How else would a body keep it's processes in check without a mana stream provided by the mana core to pump the heart, or to relay orders from the brain? How does one even think without mana opening and shutting the millions of neuron gates in the brain?
  5108. >Then from the Abyssal Bubble comes Anonymous in a lonely little vessel of metal, breaking everything the world knows. Without a single unit of mana to his name, Anonymous lives only through a horrifically fragile balance of chemicals.
  5109. >That's it. Just chemicals reacting with each other. No mana. By all known laws of the universe, their alien guest should be dead. Inert. Impossible.
  5110. >Some would say he's not even alive as is.
  5111. >Yet there he sits in the corner of the library, the book he was studying abandoned so that he could play with Fluttershy.
  5112. >"@&$=¢°€? @+$-€=π√¢." Anonymous murmurs with what is distinctly a smile as he gently rubs Fluttershy's cheeks with his thumbs.
  5113. >Fluttershy, meanwhile, leans into the touch with a blissful expression as she settles in his dais-sized lap.
  5114. >Anonymous hums a deep note in his chest, visibly pleased.
  5115. >To boggle the mind further, within the behemoth of chemicals and electricity is a wide capacity for emotion, bringing up even more troubling questions.
  5116. >Magic is required for a soul.
  5117. >And a soul is required for emotion.
  5118. >Yet Anonymous has no magic, but has emotion.
  5119. >Are his emotions genuine and valid without a soul? Or have the fundamental ideas behind souls been flawed this entire time?
  5120. >Does he have a capacity for more? For things like love? Can a walking tower of muscle and ever-reacting chemicals feel the joy of holding a foal, or the passion of laying with a lover?
  5121. >...What other strange and horrible things lay beyond the Bubble, or the "edge of the universe" as Anon called his side?
  5122. >"Twilaght."
  5123. >Twilight blinks, realizing that she's been staring at her notebook on one of the library tables for...for how long now? Looking up, she sees Anon looking down at her with an expression of worry with Fluttershy now gone. "You arrrre good? Staring at... Book with no words long time." His equestrian is rough and halting, but his brain of chemicals and electrical signals memorized and implemented the words in a way still understandable. Somehow.
  5124. Twilight smiles uncomfortably back up at him. "Y-yes, just fine?"
  5125. >He crosses his thick arms. "That sound question. You arrre good?"
  5126. "I am!" Twilight insists with an uneasy smile.
  5127. >He smiles back, then bends down and pulls Twilight into a warm hug.
  5128. >Twilight sucks in a breath, catching a nosefull of nostril-tingling pheromones as she feels his huge, drumming heart push thin liquid blood through him. She remains still until he lets go, acutely aware that he's no stallion, and that those arms could crush her if he so desired.
  5129. >"Am glad." Anon smiles. "You are friend, Twilaght. Care very much. Late becoming," he glances at a clock on the wall. "Rest soon. Dreams pleasant, okay?"
  5130. >"Sweet dreams to you too, Anon." Twilight murmurs as the giant soundlessly makes his way out and to his room without making a sound.
  5131. >Tonight will be another sleepless one.
  5132.  
  5133.  
  5134.  
  5135.  
  5136.  
  5137. >Be Twilight Sparkle, engaged in a vast conspiracy
  5138. >Anon looks at you in consternation
  5139. >"You guys don't have can openers? Then why do you have cans?"
  5140. >You open your eyes wide, hoping your acting will fool this hot piece of flank
  5141. "It is a tradition since ancient times to preserve food in cans, for the fated day of feasting. That day has come, and you have brought it! Quick, let's go to the kitchen to use your fated tool!"
  5142. >He stares at you for a long moment
  5143. >"Fine. But I'm not opening anything too old, that stuff has definitely gone bad by now."
  5144. >You trot in front of him, leading him to your kitchen with your tail flagging high
  5145. >You feel a little bad about tricking an alien colt, but you gotta butter him up so he will let you into his data library
  5146. >And his pants
  5147.  
  5148.  
  5149.  
  5150.  
  5151.  
  5152.  
  5153. >Anon is a practitioner of magic in the modern era.
  5154. >He's little more than a self-taught hedge mage, as he's had no official schooling. Most schools won't even look his way due to his mundane heritage.
  5155. >He hears about a secret war in Japan where the prize is a Wish, and how every few decades mages will team up with Heroic Spirits and duke it out over the prize.
  5156. >A real, no-rules wish... Maybe he can be more than just a hedge mage after all.
  5157. >He gathers the supplies to summon a Hero, then boards a plane and leaves.
  5158. >...Unfortunately for Anon, someone thought his plane was carrying another, higher-profile competitor and had it bombed.
  5159. >Anon doesn't notice the whirling, kaleidoscope-like portal the old man in the seat next to him makes and pushes him into a moment the bomb goes off, saving Anon from certain death.
  5160. >He comes to in a forest, groggy, injured, and alarmed from all the mana in the air.
  5161. >Frightened, he pulls his summoning catalyst, a bundle of old horsehair out, and tries to summon his hero Servant to help him out.
  5162. >Little does he know, he's not on earth, so he's not getting an earthly hero, especially not with a horsehair catalyst.
  5163. >In a flash of light, an Equestrian Heroic Spirit is reborn before him.
  5164. >The Servant blinks the stars from her eyes and sees her injured and frightened Master before her, and near-instantly any thoughts of rebellion are gone. She won't leave a colt to his fate out here.
  5165. >Bewildered, Anon lets his fretting Servant lead him to the nearest town.
  5166. >...A town populated by more ponies...
  5167. >And they run right into Twilight Sparkle, who gasps and instantly recognizes the historical figure standing defensively before the real-life human.
  5168. "Maybe I should have stayed home..." Anon mutters
  5169.  
  5170.  
  5171.  
  5172.  
  5173.  
  5174.  
  5175. >Anonicorn chaperoned at a nobles party by his older cousin blueblood.
  5176. >Said colt has his hooves full running interference against all the daughters trying to get the Prince's attention.
  5177. >Fortunately there's a large cake in the room and he inherited his mothers sweet tooth so that's dominating his attention at the moment.
  5178. >Just have to cause a few 'accidents' for the mares smart enough to try bringing him a slice.
  5179. >Twilight might be Celestia's official student for all things magical, but the princess had more knowledge to share than simple magic.
  5180. >Blue blood sipped his fruit juice, not even paying attention as the next confident courtier seemingly fell over her own hooves and caused her carried confection to splatter against her own face with a muffled yelp.
  5181. >Much more
  5182.  
  5183.  
  5184.  
  5185.  
  5186.  
  5187.  
  5188.  
  5189. >Before becoming Celestia's student, Twilight was used to sleeping in the same room as her brother.
  5190. >To help her acclimatise to living in the castle, Celestia briefly had her and Anon share a bedroom.
  5191. >They took turns reading bedtime stories.
  5192. >Anon read a bit slower than her because he was about a year younger but he was much better at putting on the voices.
  5193. >This brief month or so of time together forms the seed of her attraction, even if she's long forgotten that period by the time she's aware of her crush.
  5194. >She's not sure why "Do you want to read together?" received the most positive response from him ( 'Sure'), nor why his acceptance made her so happy, but she's not going to complain.
  5195. >For Anons part, he doesn't DISLIKE Twilight, only her ability to excel at everything he, well, doesn't.
  5196. >Some quiet time simply reading together in the library and talking about the book topics, the warmth of another close by, the faint memory of turning pages by horn-glow and whispering under blankets.
  5197. >It's nice
  5198.  
  5199.  
  5200.  
  5201.  
  5202.  
  5203.  
  5204. >Blueblood tries to run his customary interference.
  5205. >Spergity monopolises his time and he cant get rid of her.
  5206. >Anon, Celestia and Twilight greeting ponies as they enter, which was going quite nicely, albiet boring.
  5207. >It was the brief periods where they were alone that was a bit of a...concern.
  5208. >"So uh...nice night, isnt it?"
  5209. "..Yes."
  5210. >Between her students crashing attempts at small talk and her sons unusual reticence the princess could cut the awkwardness with one of her cake knives.
  5211. >Maybe a little careful manuvering would help matters.
  5212. >"There aren't many ponies left on the guest list, why dont the two of you go find my sister so that we can all four of us join the party together?"
  5213. >Even one year less experience in her 1000 year reign would not have prevented a flinch from the look of betrayal her son shot her in that moment.
  5214. >As it were, her smile grew slightly wooden as her son gave a quiet sigh and gestured for Twilight to follow him
  5215.  
  5216. >Hoofsteps echo down the corridor as a pair of ponies walk in silence, a purple mouth opening and closing, words dying in her throat each time.
  5217. >Until they didnt.
  5218. "I'm sorry!"
  5219. >Green hooves stop as eyes the same almost-glowing amethyst of his mothers look back her in confusion.
  5220. >"...For what?"
  5221. "I dont know! And that's just it! I've tried and i've tried but i just cant think of anything i've done to upset you but even i can tell that you're mad at me over something and mom always said i should apologise if i ever make a colt mad ESPECIALLY when i dont know the reason and i thought that would work but it obviously didnt because you're not a typical airhead colt who gets mad over nothing you're intelligent you think logically you havegoodtasteinbooksyou'rehans-mhmmhmhhm."
  5222. >"Twilight. I'm going to put my hoof down, and you're going to breathe, okay?"
  5223. "HmHmm."
  5224. >Gasping as she catches her breath, the both of them ignore the watery edges of her eyes, obviously from oxygen deprivation.
  5225. >Not looking at her, the stallion speaks simply.
  5226. >"I'm not mad at you Twilight, you've Never done Anything wrong."
  5227. >Something about that sentence bothered her, but she's not sure what.
  5228. >Still...
  5229. "Are you sure? I know i may not have expressed it...at all, heh, but i consider you a friend, and i've realised recently how important Friendship is."
  5230. >A hoof touches his withers as he turns away, freezing the stallion in place.
  5231. "I'd never do anything to hurt you, okay? I promise. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my ARGH!"
  5232. >Turning to look at her again, the prince stares dumbfounded as the mare rubs at her eye.
  5233. "Every bucking time, if i didnt know any better i'd swear pinkie cursed me with that..."
  5234. >Snrk
  5235. "Huh?"
  5236. >Looking at him with that curious expression, one eye noticeably red, broke the flood gates.
  5237. >"Y-you just, just BWAHAHAHAHA!"
  5238. >Twilight sparkle, five time consecutive winner of the Junior mage of the year award, personal student to the Princess of equestria and someone more learned than anyone of her generation and below combined, just poked herself in the eye by accident.
  5239. "Hey! I'm being serious! Stop laughing!"
  5240. >The sight of her scrunch and the faint blush on her cheeks spawned a new wave of laughter as the stallion fell on his rump, one hoof holding him upright as another pointed at his face. pointed to her, than back to him.
  5241. >Scrunch relaxing as she watched him laugh, the mare chuckled ruefully to herself as she sat next to him.
  5242. "Yeah, i suppose it is pretty funny to see, maybe Pinkie was onto something when she came up with that."
  5243. >Looking out of a nearby window into the night sky as she waited for him to calm down, she continued.
  5244. "Y'know, the day she taught me that she also told me that 'losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend forever!' Although she said it more like For-EV-er!, she's funny like that."
  5245. >She keeps looking out the window as her friends laughter slowly subsides.
  5246. "But, funny or not, she's right, and i don't ever want to lose your trust, and I want you to know that you have mine, even if you're mad at me."
  5247. "I wont ask you to tell me why if you don't want to tell me, i just want you to know that I'm honestly truly and completely sorry for it, whatever it is that i did, and i promise to make it up to you, cupcake and all."
  5248. >A hoof lightly touches her closed eye in the silence, before dropping back down to the floor with a single clop.
  5249. "...We should get going, Princess Luna is going to miss the whole party at this rate."
  5250. >A wing draping across her back stops her from rising as she turns to the stallion at her side.
  5251. >A small smile on his face makes her stomach start doing backflips like Rainbow trying to impress the wonderbolts.
  5252. >He looks her in the eye as he speaks next, his wing curled around her in a hug.
  5253. >"I'm not mad at you."
  5254. >She believes him, and the small smile on her face matches his own as they simply sit there in the moonlight.
  5255. >A slam ringing down the hall startles them both to their hooves, both standing unconsciously standing closer to each other against the chill of the castle stone as they hear rapid hoofsteps accompanied by a voice.
  5256. >"SADDLE-GOOSE OF A FUSSOCK, THE HOUR GROWS LATE AND WE HAS'T DID WASTE FAR TOO MUCH TIME ALREADY ON ONE OF THE FEW OCCASIONS WHITHER PONIES ENJOY THE GRANDUER OF OUR NIG-Oh hello Nephew, young Twilight, have you come to fetch us?"
  5257. >The pair of ponies look at each other sheepishly as they suddenly remember why they were walking though the corridors alone.
  5258. >"Huzzah! We shall go forth as a group! Mayhap our- darn, we must remember that the language has changed, please tell me if we-I slip back into more familiar vernacular."
  5259. >"Anyway, hopefully our sister has not eaten all of the confectionary yet, onward!"
  5260. >Striding purposely ahead, the trio head back to the gala, the two smaller ponies glancing at each other a few times as they walk, the tension between them not fully dissipated, but now much less cold.
  5261.  
  5262.  
  5263.  
  5264.  
  5265.  
  5266. >Arrive in Equestria shortly after Luna reappears
  5267. >Hang out in the castle while Celestia determines whether or not you're a danger
  5268. >Meanwhile, you've put your shit on backwards, again.
  5269. >It's cool to reference other, funnier posts, right?
  5270. >Can't sleep
  5271. >Wander around the castle
  5272. >Wander into the gardens
  5273. >Luna's there
  5274. >Looks like this small soft horse could use a hug
  5275. >Act on the spontaneous urge
  5276. >Try to disengage the hug
  5277. >Luna denies your request
  5278. >You now have a horse with 1000 years of skin-hunger that needs to be dealt with
  5279. >You fall asleep leaning against Luna, because she won't let go of you
  5280.  
  5281. >The nightly visits repeat and turn into a habit.
  5282. >Everyday you stray further away from Celestia's light, just so you can spend more time with the dark blue, crescent-moon-butt horsie you totally just forgot to ask the name of, yes, silly you...
  5283. >As days pass and turn into weeks, you build a relationship with her.
  5284. >Day by day, you crave more and more to see her face light up in a smile upon seeing you approach, brighter than the previous time.
  5285. >Then come one day when Princess Celestia finally reaches the end of the lengthy process of determining your true nature and find you... Just fine.
  5286. >Your weeks of waiting within the castle grounds is over just like that, you can leave the next morning!
  5287. >Happy to share this news with your cuddle-buddy you visit and talk with every night, you go to the usual spot way before the evening, waiting for her to appear.
  5288. >Except... she doesn't.
  5289. >You wait there until day break, but she doesn't show up.
  5290. >Feeling heart broken, you grab your few belongings and go to leave, not knowing how to find your only friend here, since you forgot to, uh, ask her name... for weeks... Yeah, you are not a smart man.
  5291. >Before long, you are waiting for a train that will bring you to some small, peaceful settlement where you can get a new life started
  5292. >However, right as the train arrives, you hear the voice of your friend call out your name, searching for you!
  5293. >You... also forgot to tell her your name, you really are forgetful.
  5294. >So how does she know it now?
  5295. >Yelling back an "I'm here!" the flapping of large wings quickly becomes audible, and before you can react, you are swooped down upon and grabbed by your friend, lifted off and away from the train platform.
  5296. >"Please don't leave me!" Your teary eyed friend begs you as she holds onto you, and you are sure she holds you this tight not to avoid dropping you but to avoid losing you.
  5297. >You hug her back tightly, you haven't seen her this sad since the first day you met her.
  5298. "I... I'm not leaving. I couldn't find you yesternight, I've been waiting at our spot so I could tell you the good news but you didn't show up." You explain as she lands, on a rooftop of all places.
  5299. >"And I have been waiting in your quarters to share the celebrations of your approval of Equestrian citizenship!.." She replies, then both of your eyes go wide in realization.
  5300. >Both of you forgot to tell the other about some very important information.
  5301. "So uhh... You are..." You begin, motioning at the crescent moon adored royal regalia your friend is wearing now.
  5302. >"And you are..." She replies, looking you up and down.
  5303. "I'm an alien."
  5304. >"I'm a princess."
  5305. >The two of you say in the same time, then share a laugh.
  5306. >Your brain finally working, you realize to do an important thing.
  5307. "Soooo... Let me introduce myself. I'm Anon, your friendly neighbourhood alien." You say awkwardly, holding out your right for a hand shake.
  5308. >And I am Princess Luna of Equestria, younger sister of Princess Celestia." She replies and places her right forehoof in your open palm.
  5309. >Then immediately blushes, as if the two of you didn't spend weeks cuddling.
  5310. >"H-hoof holding wi-with a colt..." She mutters to herself, and you almost miss that, since you are so busy thinking about how you are cuddle-buddies with an actual princess!
  5311. >Your brain comprehending her reaction and realizing your mistake, you remember the lesson your father taught you.
  5312. >"Remember son, dying is gay!"
  5313. >Wait, what, that wasn-
  5314. >"Does this mean that we are now... dating?" Luna asks you, interrupting your thoughts, her hopeful, adorable voice filling your heart with glee.
  5315. "Yes, it does." You smile and hug her, happy to feel her velvety soft fur on your skin.
  5316. >Then the shutters of dozens of cameras sound up, ruining the moment.
  5317. >Fucking paparazzi, you could have kissed an alien princess!
  5318. >Said alien princess must have similar thoughts, she immediately shields you with her wings.
  5319. >"Let us leave this place and return to our spot, shall we?" She asks and you couldn't agree more.
  5320. >Thus, tomorrow's newspapers are filled to the brim with angry mares making angry articles about how this new princess just snatched up the alien colt.
  5321. >And in the castle, sitting on her throne, Princess Celestia laughs to herself as she reads the papers.
  5322. >"All according to keikaku!"
  5323.  
  5324.  
  5325.  
  5326.  
  5327.  
  5328.  
  5329. >Be Cadance, escorting Anonicorn through the castle market on a shopping trip.
  5330. >Also be getting mighty peeved at the person who wrote a tabloid article about the recent heartsong event in fillydelphia.
  5331. >Sure that was a wonderful thing, two souls joining together in harmony and love is something to be cherished.
  5332. >But the idiot just HAD to mention the prince in it, 'speculating' whether he would find his true love next and encouraging young fillies to 'try their luck'!
  5333. >For one thing, pre-teen heartsongs were a complete myth, perpetuated by the fact close childhood friends are more likely to share in a harmonic convergence event, aka a regular song number.
  5334. >And secondly, a heartsong has NOTHING to do with 'luck'!
  5335. >If you're destined to be, then you're destined to be and the heart song will happen without any conscious intiation on anypony's part.
  5336. >Just like trying to force a cutie mark to appear before a pony recognises their talent, it simply wont work.
  5337. >It's the exact same principle, they teach this in school when you learn about harmony!
  5338. >But that hasnt stopped dozens of familes obviously forcing their fillies to embarrass themselves in public in the hope of being 'lucky'.
  5339. >She has half a mind to-
  5340. >Ooooh no, that TEENAGE. COLT. better not have just tried to sing to her cousin or she's about to-
  5341. >Oh, he was singing at her, flattering but nope, she has a loving coltfriend already who she's going to snuggle the snickerdoodles out of once she gets back to the castle.
  5342. >She hopes Anon is done soon.
  5343.  
  5344. >Be Prince Anon
  5345. >You're shopping for baking supplies.
  5346. >Because neither you or the cooks or your mom are allowed to use the castle stores for 'personal projects' after you spent a day baking cakes for mom for her birthday.
  5347. >You couldn't fit all the candles on one cake, so you just made more.
  5348. >And you wanted to bake a cake for mom, because she seemed a bit down about something which meant buying your own things with Auntie Luna's money after you asked her nicely.
  5349. >You're sure what she meant by your face being dangerous though, you looked fine in the mirror. Auntie is weird.
  5350. >The market is also weird, you keep walking past ponies who are singing and they sound really lonely.
  5351. >You kinda want to join in so they wont be lonely anymore but you feel something boop your nose everytime you open your mouth.
  5352. >Oh well, maybe they can find each other and form a band, or a choir, there's a lot of singing ponies out today.
  5353.  
  5354. >Be the aetherial concept of heartsongs given brief ponyshaped form for the purposes of this text.
  5355. >Facehoof with one hoof even as you use the other to prevent The Anomaly from sending the entire tapestry of fate into the shredder.
  5356.  
  5357.  
  5358.  
  5359.  
  5360.  
  5361. Be Celestia
  5362. >Several centuries of practice allowed you to keep the false smile plastered on your lips
  5363. >But only just
  5364. >With each cart that rolled in the whispers and giggles of the Noblity grew in number
  5365. >Anon bless his heart had the biggest smile you'd ever seen him have in public
  5366. >Cart after cart, cake after cake
  5367. >Within minutes the entire daycourt was filled cakes
  5368. >All hidden beneath hundreds of magic candles
  5369. >It was with great relief the final cart rolled in and your son bounced towards you
  5370. >"Do you like it mama! I made them all myself!"
  5371. >As embarrassing as it was having your age flaunted in front of other ponies you couldn't help but melt
  5372. >Anon's little eyes were sparkling as bright as your sun
  5373. "Yes, Anon, I love it".
  5374. >Scooping him up in your wings you brought him close
  5375. "Did you really do all this yourself?"
  5376. >Giving a little um he shook his head
  5377. >"No mama. Raven helped"
  5378. >Oh?
  5379. >You glanced over at your embarrassed aid
  5380. "Did she now?" You whispered
  5381. >Giggling Anon nodded happily
  5382. >"Yup! I didn't know how old you were mama so I asked her and she went and found out for me"
  5383. >Wait...
  5384. >Did that mean...
  5385. "O-oh really?" You asked
  5386. >"Hm-hmm!"
  5387. "W-why did you need to know that sweetheart?"
  5388. >"So I could get the right number of candles mama!"
  5389. >Over the sound of Raven facehoofing you could hear the faint laughter of the various ponies in the room
  5390. >...this is why you didn't celebrate your birthdays anymore
  5391.  
  5392.  
  5393.  
  5394.  
  5395.  
  5396.  
  5397. >Anon becomes a vegetarian because its difficult to find meat in Equestria.
  5398. >Eats plenty of eggs, cheese, milk, etc to make up for it.
  5399. >One day Anon is enjoying a latte in public and accidentally gives himself a milk moustache.
  5400. >Mayor freaks out.
  5401. >"Anon what do you think you're doing. there could be foals around here!"
  5402. What do you mean Mayor. It's just a latte.
  5403. >"I know you have a very large...apatite when it comes to lewd things but you have to have more discretion. We already tolerate you wearing clothes and carrying milk jugs out in the open, please try to meet us halfway."
  5404. Lewd? what are you talking about. It's just milk, like a normal thing that everypony drinks right?
  5405. >"Where do you think milk comes from. Of course its lewd that your drinking it. It's supposed to only be for babies. Between spouses it happens if they have a fetish."
  5406. >The mayor's face is bright red and she covers her eyes when you take another sip in thought.
  5407. >You smack your lips, savoring the taste in a new light.
  5408. "Huh I never knew that. Thanks for telling me."
  5409. >The mayor almost screams in your face.
  5410. >"Okay! now please wipe that moustache off your face before anypony sees you."
  5411. >You wipe off the moustache.
  5412. "Is this why milk is only available at Rarity's clothing store, because it's actually a fetish shop?"
  5413. >Mayor Mare rubs her temples in frustration.
  5414. >It's always too early to deal with stallion whimsy and Anon's alien stallion whimsy was the worst
  5415.  
  5416.  
  5417.  
  5418.  
  5419.  
  5420.  
  5421. >Prince Anonymous Miracle was born to Princess Celestia many a moon ago. He's a lovely boy who listens to his mother and aunt dutifully, pays no mind to snoopy and deceitful nobles and plays nice with others. Even despite the mysteriousness around his birth, he's a somewhat charming, if sarcastic, lad who powers through his "special" challenges and charges onward to make sure his life is as good as any other's. Just because he couldn't walk or talk for a while there does NOT mean he's any worse off than anyone else, no ma'am (and Celestia made sure everyone knew that).
  5422. >The issue? He's a colt. An Alicorn Colt. In a world where male births were already small enough, he ended up being One of a Fucking Kind and there he was just meandering every day up in the Canterlot Gardens with Dearest Mommy or Stargazing with his Beloved Aunty.
  5423. >If ponies freaked out about Cadence giving birth to her little Wingspan Envy Starter then you best believe that Celestia's "Special Little Colt" gave someone out there a Mouth Frothing Frenzy!
  5424. >It was bad enough that regular stallions of The Three Tribes were in limited number but now there's one out there with Alicorn powers to boot! Quite literally the rarest of the rare and that's not even going into the schematics behind Princess Celestia's supposed "Virgin Birth". That's a headache for another time.
  5425. >What does this all mean exactly? Well, it means that our special little lad was a BITCH to guard sometimes seeing how he was literally a national treasure at this point. Some creatures want to see him and others want to "see him" in a shallow ditch. The worst of it were from the damned noble houses.
  5426. >It's enough to drive the guards crazy when they have to almost literally beat away would be suitors with sticks, whether they were actually genuine or there because of their parents' political plans. Most of the guard assume the latter more than the former truth be told but they don't mention that out loud. Instead, they take to their orders like dutiful soldiers so that they could guard Anon to the best of their abilities and a ragtag team of Elite Guardmares were up to the task!
  5427. >As Prince Anon grew, very little had ever troubled him in life spare a few moments of personal growth and the Elite had it easier than most think. It didn't hurt that embarrassing stutters and accidentally stumbling into his guards were practically all they really had to deal with as he grew up. Of course, that isn't to say that these mares didn't take their job seriously, it just helped ease their minds that the Prince was so much more easier going than some OTHER little, noble shitheads.
  5428. >Speaking of these mares and worrisome foals, it looked like it was Playdate Day once again as Princess Mi Amore Cadenza visits Canterlot once more to talk shop with her precious aunts about something princess related.
  5429. >...and she brought along her..."darling daughter" along as well.
  5430. >Oh joy.
  5431. >Now, no one would dare say that Princess Flurry Heart of the Crystal Empire was "hard to handle", no ma'am.
  5432. >...not out loud, they wouldn't. And certainly not The Elite.
  5433. >For all intents and purposes, Flurry was a lovely little filly with a smile that could melt even the coldest of stallion's hearts but she had this rather bad habit of being rather "excitable". Old habits die hard after all, apparently even ones as a baby, but whenever she'd get emotional, the poor girl would get hyper as all hell, a little clingy and maybe even a little pushy. You know? Just flat out Little Princess Syndrome but with an actual, honest to Celestia princess with wild card magic instead of some noble brat from a half forgotten House. Again, lovely filly but by the Celestial Princesses was she just something else to handle.
  5434. >During one of the first playdates when they were far smaller, it had ended with her getting all excited over a "new pet" she found and she promptly teleported the prince up to the roof. While taking none of either of the guard teams with her. Just, "LOOK AT THIS CUTE THING I FOUND" and poof, gonzo.
  5435. >By the time either panic stricken team could find the duo, they found a hopping, madly smiling Flurry showing off a damned MANTICORE she had trussed up in a fucking pink bow of all things. Right in the middle of it's mane and on top of its head? Prince Anon himself, idly rubbing the monster's head and marveling at it while Flurry looked like she was proud enough to burst. A miss Twinkle Petal (a rookie at the time) had even fallen over from a faint at the mere sight of the creature on castle grounds, something she still gets ribbed on to this day.
  5436. >Sapphire Harvest, the commanding officer from then and even now, fondly remembers personally coaxing the prince down after assuring him a multitude of times that they were going to be "nice to the pretty kitty". No one knows why the Manticore let itself be lead outside but one thing was for certain: It sure as hell kept that bow.
  5437. >As she found herself pondering on days long since past, the Royal Visitors finally arrived along with their hopping daughter. Commander Harvest was a brave mare who fought for Princess and Country plenty of times in her life...but she had one fear. Just the one: The look that Princess Flurry Heart was giving to Prince Anonymous Miracle right this very second. It always spelled "Trouble and Shenanigans" and whenever that happened, it'd be a long, LONG shift until the "Playdate" would be over.
  5438. >She didn't even need to wait long as the little princess zoomed her way over to Anon and wrapped her utterly humongous wings around him in a big hug.
  5439. >"Nonnynononon! It's SO good to see you! Did you hear about the Ursa Major sighting?!"
  5440. >Harvest could feel her main greying with every word Flurry dared speak in front of the combined force of the Royal Guards.
  5441. >Oh well. Duty calls, yes?
  5442.  
  5443.  
  5444.  
  5445.  
  5446.  
  5447. >Staying in the treebary with Twilight after getting blamphed into Equestria during a freak underwater basketweaving accident.
  5448. >She's teaching you the basics of living in equestria while you find your footing.
  5449. >Things like the basic history, economics, the weather schedules, geography, basically the short version of everything you'd have learnt growing up as a native.
  5450. >Your favourite grey mare walks in with the mail as Twilight is talking about the more social aspects.
  5451. >Decides to use the opportunity to properly explain what a herd is with a demonstration, that is, if Derpy was willing to go on a pretend date?
  5452. >Oh she was willing, she was VERY willing, having mildly homo thoughts about the purple unicorn ever since she moved to ponyville AND developing a crush on the exotic new arrival made for a very eager blushing Pegasus for this 'pretend' date.
  5453. >For yourself, both mares were sweet in their own ways, friendly, always happy to lend a hoof and had absolutely amazing asses, so you were more than okay with the sudden development.
  5454. >Twilight is too much of a sperg to notice any of the subtext and happily claps her hooves together while calling for spike to help fix up a big lunch.
  5455.  
  5456.  
  5457.  
  5458.  
  5459.  
  5460.  
  5461. >Guard captain Shining armor performs a surprise inspection of the royal guard barracks.
  5462. >The main surprise being that the guards knew he was foal sitting today as his marefriend was sick.
  5463. >A further surprise being that he brought the young Prince along.
  5464. >A final surprise being the three times too large helmet the Prince was currently wearing while marching determinedly behind his Cap-tin Shiny.
  5465. >Many new recruits were unable to maintain their stoic postures in the face of such adorableness, the Captain chastising them on their lack of discipline and awareness even as he used his magic to turn the blind Prince around before he marched into a wall.
  5466. >The colts among them silently praised the foal-sense while some of the mares idly contemplated spraying themselves pink to see if there was a chance of a herd
  5467.  
  5468.  
  5469.  
  5470.  
  5471.  
  5472.  
  5473.  
  5474. >Anon chases down a Forthwaal monitor lizard and pins it to the ground after it stole a cupcake and tried to make an outdated reference
  5475. >Bonbon arrests the lizard and nominates Anon for the next wave of recruitment for the Mares in Black
  5476. >Some of her colleagues tease her about only being after his foalchasing legs, but she sees potential in the lost ape
  5477. >Anon goes through a battery of tests alongside mares from the royal guard, weather teams, and various militias
  5478. >Anon gets by through a mixture of creative thinking, athletic ability, and emulating Steve Irwin
  5479. >The dragoness sparring opponent asks for his number after their match
  5480. >Bonbon knew what she was getting into, recruiting Anon as an agent for the MiB
  5481. >But that does nothing for her grumpiness at having to deal with his whimsy all day, and Lyra's incessant questions all night
  5482. >The things she does for Equestria
  5483.  
  5484.  
  5485.  
  5486.  
  5487.  
  5488. >Anonicorn feels the pressure to rule in some sort of way
  5489. >Celestia turns down every political marriage offer, but he still wonders if someday he'll herd for politics rather than love
  5490. >A noble from a house that specializes in illusions infiltrates the palace and makes an illusion of Celestia tell him the are to he wed
  5491. >Anonicorn flees into the night, to the frustration of the noble
  5492. >He glides past the coast, wanting to flee from all his responsibilities and the expectations heaped upon him
  5493. >He doesn't realize he has flown straight into a wild, ocean storm until he's tossed and buffeted by high winds
  5494. >He struggles to escape the storm, but it's too late
  5495. >He gets sucked in, his wings bent and broken, unable to take the strain
  5496. >He falls to the waves, never to he seen again
  5497. >Celestia is incandescent with rage when she finds out
  5498. >As is the remains of the noble family once she is done with them
  5499. >Luna and Twilight put together a regency while Celestia withdraws from the public
  5500. >Reports start coming in from the docks
  5501. >A ghostly figure protecting sailors from storms and sea monsters
  5502. >Kablooteranonicorn
  5503.  
  5504.  
  5505.  
  5506.  
  5507.  
  5508.  
  5509. >Ultrasound-bat loves her job.
  5510. >Being able to 'see' the growing young foals within expectant mothers is an experience that cant quite be captured on canvas, although her partner does a great job drawing the approximation.
  5511. >The one and only downside is that she's not flexible enough to be able to look at her own foal in the same manner.
  5512. >That doesnt stop her from trying though, just a few..more..inches...
  5513. >"Lovenip you should stop straining yourself, I'm sure the foal is fine."
  5514. >Be the proud daughter of the night.
  5515. >You are NOT pouting, marely mares dont pout, they glare menacingly.
  5516. >You loved your husband, you really do, and while you're sure he loves your foal just as much he just cant understand.
  5517. >"It's only been a week since your last scan, do you want to look at the picture again?"
  5518. >You dont want to look at a lifeless flat picture you want to look at your foal! Your healthy growing alive foal! You just wanna see them! YOU WANNA YOU WANNA YOU WANNA
  5519. >...
  5520. "...Yes please."
  5521.  
  5522.  
  5523.  
  5524.  
  5525.  
  5526.  
  5527. >Like, be marely mare, coming down for a cup of morning coffee, ready to begin the day...
  5528. >Hot horse husband is already there, making breakfast, with a cup set out for his mare (you) by the coffee machine.
  5529. >You pour out a cup of coffee, smile and raise it to your lips, before noting husbando is giving you that weird whimsy stare he sometimes get.
  5530. >Except he's staring right *through* you somehow.
  5531. >Before you can comment, he slowly walk up to you while maintaining eye contact and slowly removes the holy cup from your lips and lowers it back to the counter.
  5532. >He keeps staring even deeper at you.
  5533. *blinks* Scrunches snoot
  5534. "What?"
  5535. >"I'm pregnant."
  5536. >You blink again in response, kinda shocked.
  5537. "Oh..."
  5538. >Guess you ain't getting that coffee now...
  5539.  
  5540.  
  5541. >>"I'm pregnant."
  5542. >Years of constant verbal bastardization slowly shifted "I've gotten you pregnant" into "I'm pregnant," a much more succinct (and vastly more whimsical-sounding, colts can't get pregnant, silly!) way of giving the same information.
  5543. >Anon, of course, doesn't understand this very simple concept, and quickly starts questioning how pony biology works
  5544. >He can't just ask, of course, unless he wants to be laughed at for being a naïve colt or a multiple-hours long educational lecture from Twiggy Piggy. Again.
  5545.  
  5546.  
  5547.  
  5548.  
  5549.  
  5550. >Be Anon
  5551. >It was winter
  5552. >Cold, snowy, no leaves to be seen on a tree, and ponies were signing more than usual
  5553. >Most importantly however, was that winter meant bulking season
  5554. >The time to acquire mass, to get so big you can't fix through doors, then in the spring get fucking JOOCY for summer
  5555. >You didn't like to bulk if you were being honest with yourself
  5556. >Eating more than six meals a day was too much, even for you
  5557. >That, and you didn't let getting a gut
  5558. >Shit made your clothes too tight
  5559. >Still, one had to do what one had to do for fitness
  5560. >Man is the sculptor and the marble and all that
  5561. >You were a few months into your bulk and things were going pretty good
  5562. >All of your PRs were slowly but surely going up
  5563. >You were getting a little large, but wearing hoodies kept that hidden for the most part
  5564. >It was morning, and you were on your daily jog
  5565. >Most people said cardio with a bulk was a bad idea, but those dumb fucks didn't know what they were talking about
  5566. >If they were so scared about not gaining enough weight they needed to suck it up and eat more
  5567. >Ponies were out and about, but you mostly ignored them, trying to focus on breathing and pumping those arms
  5568. >"Thiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccckkkk."
  5569. >Your gaze snapped open to the flower sisters
  5570. >They were all watching you, heads bobbing with each step you took
  5571. >Weirdos...
  5572. >Shaking your head, you picked up the pace
  5573. >Now running through the market, you could see more ponies
  5574. >Many looked over toward you
  5575. >A few stopped what they were doing
  5576. >One dropped something another was trying to hand to them
  5577. >Everything grew quiet, so much so that you nearly stopped
  5578. >Then, without warning, it began
  5579. >"Look at that dumper."
  5580. >"That's a BIIIIIGGGGG fella."
  5581. >"Thick honey!"
  5582. >"Sit on my bucking face, papa!"
  5583. >You found yourself blinking away tears
  5584. "I'm not fat! I'm just bulking!" you yelled
  5585. >Stallions looked at you with pity
  5586. >They tried to stop the salivating, hood stomping mares with slaps and dirty looks, but it was no use
  5587. >A mare let out a wolf whistle
  5588. >A filly smacked your butt as you ran past her
  5589. >Two elderly mares threw bits at you, pulling out their dentures and clattering the teeth together as you forged forward, tears streaming down your face
  5590. >You fucking HATED bulking season...
  5591.  
  5592.  
  5593.  
  5594.  
  5595.  
  5596.  
  5597. >Anon showed up in Labyrinthia
  5598. >It's not as confusing now that there are street signs and maps
  5599. >He's acclimated to the culture a bit, going to a gym with some cardiobuds, watching the tauresses try to impress him with squats, deadlifts, and brazenly exposed six-packs
  5600. >It'd be a paradise, but for one thing
  5601. >CHEESE
  5602. >Now, Anon likes cheese as much as the next man, but the smell of it is everywhere
  5603. >It's traditional
  5604. >One of the ways a tauress shows she can provide, is by creating cheese out of her own milk
  5605. >First date is low pressure, just chatting and sipping on protein drinks
  5606. >But on the second date, the cheese and crackers come out, and too many have heard about Bleu cheese, or Anon hopes that's what they were going for
  5607. >It's gained him a reputation as being a bit of a cheese snob
  5608. >And a race traitor for ordering cow cheese imports from Equestria
  5609. >It's affected his tastes
  5610. >He regularly goes onto the horsenet to roleplay with ponies and dragons about being abducted from cheese hell
  5611. >Ponies like to talk about how they'll "domesticate" him, while dragons inevitably ask him to play as a prince
  5612. >It's a little silly, but that can be fun too
  5613.  
  5614.  
  5615.  
  5616.  
  5617.  
  5618.  
  5619. >Anon was dismissive of Facebook attention whores back on earth
  5620. >They clearly lacked dignity and self-respect.
  5621. >He also has the same disdain for stallions who do the same on Saltblock
  5622. >But after Caramel badgered him into making account, he's starting to see the other side
  5623. >Mares are pretty polite in public, only a few bad apples catcalling and so on
  5624. >But online?
  5625. >His profile pic has over 50 comments, half of them lustful and desperate
  5626. >He had thought he was an average looking John Doe, but that's definitely not what the mares see
  5627. >It's actually really nice, being seen and desired like that
  5628. >Caramel has to stage an intervention when Anon posts a sock and leg pic for the third day in a row.
  5629.  
  5630. >Story idea where caramel tries to keep human men from turning into thots when they drop into equestria
  5631. >worse ones are men who lived for YEARS without positive female attention
  5632. >it's like herding cats
  5633.  
  5634.  
  5635.  
  5636.  
  5637.  
  5638.  
  5639. >Anon is sick one day
  5640. >Nasty flu, high fever
  5641. >Hallucinates inanimate objects are talking to him
  5642. >They're all feminine
  5643. >And they're all comically sexist
  5644.  
  5645. >-and who else is the one to take care of him? It's none-other than Pinkie Pie.
  5646. >Of course, the little pony is dead-set on helping Anonymous get over his illness, but hijinks we're bound to ensue.
  5647. >Anon hallucinates that everyday objects are talking to him, something Pinkie has experience with.
  5648. >The only thing is that when Anon tells her what they're 'saying' Pinkie decided to talk back.
  5649. >It doesn't help that Anons medication made him a bit out of it.
  5650.  
  5651. >"Nonny? What are you doing outta bed?!?"
  5652. "Miss Candle is being a jerk again. . ."
  5653. >"O-ho-ho! Is that so?! Well, maybe Miss Candle needs to keep her wax shut before I BREAK HER IN HALF!"
  5654. ". . ."
  5655. >"What's she saying 'now'?"
  5656. "I don't think I can repeat that, Pinkie. . ."
  5657. >"That's it! I'm gonna break that dumb-"
  5658. "Pinkie, no! That's MURDER!"
  5659.  
  5660.  
  5661.  
  5662.  
  5663.  
  5664. >Young ember listens to her father telling stories about how dragons used to kidnap princes for their horde...
  5665. >she thinks it's cool, so on the next diplomatic meeting with equestria she asks anonicorn if he wants to "do a kidnapping with her". He thinks it sounds fun so he agrees.
  5666. >when they are about to leave again he hides in some exports they were taking back to the dragon kingdom.
  5667. >back home ember shows anon her mini-horde shes growing in her room and they just play around till her father finally notices the pony prince they somehow smuggled under his nose.
  5668. >he writes a quick letter to Equestria to let them know that Celestia's son is safe and sound.
  5669. >Celestia was about to rip the planet apart to find her son, but the letter arrived and immediately calmed her down.
  5670. >youngs twilight thinks it's a trap though and demands to come along to "free anon from the clutches of the evil dragons!"
  5671. >something something, Celestia and the dragon lord are having some tea talking about things while twilight, ember, and anon play "the brave mare saving the prince from the powerful dragon".
  5672. >something something luna didn't get the memo and broke through a wall in full war gear to save her nephew
  5673.  
  5674.  
  5675.  
  5676.  
  5677.  
  5678.  
  5679. >"Seriously, I could not believe the size of it."
  5680. >Be Twilight
  5681. >Be seated with your friends, the other Elements and Anon, at SCC having drinks and talking
  5682. "Anon! You can't just say that."
  5683. >"Why? It's in all the magazines, 'How Big Is Her Horn, Really?' '10 Tips To Get A Horn Like Fleur' 'Secret Alicorn?' Plus, Rarity took me to a party where I got to meet her and the three of us -- Rarity, Fleur, and I -- spent the night hanging out. It was great."
  5684. "Well, it's just, you can't. . . You're just not supposed to talk about it, is all. I don't want you getting a reputation."
  5685. >The alien frowns, his flat face showing genuine expression for once, and nods.
  5686. >"Oh, it's like tits or maybe cocks?"
  5687. "Anon!"
  5688. >"Unicorns freak out over horn size the way pegasi do about wing span."
  5689. "Rainbow, that's not exact-"
  5690. >". . . what was that about teats?"
  5691. >Oh, Celestia, Fluttershy, not now.
  5692. >"Oh, yeah, some guys back home are into big tits. I mean, I was one of them, nothing quite like a good sized well shaped pair, but I figured those days were over since coming here."
  5693. >"oh, ummm, some mares have big teats, though. ifyoureintothatsortofthing. . ."
  5694. >"What was that, Flutters?"
  5695. >"Oh, nothing. . . mamasgonnatakecareofyou"
  5696. "So! How was the trip?"
  5697. >"Right! So Rarity took me to a party and introduced me to Fleur: that's where this whole thing started."
  5698. "You met Fleur des Lis?
  5699. >"Yeah, and her horn is H U E G, at least Celestia sized. And it's got a nice shape, too. Trixie's is fatter, but Fleur has more overall size and is much better looking. So yeah, that got me asking Rarity and Fleur about horns and unicorns and one thing led to another."
  5700. >Anon shrugs and fights back a smile.
  5701. "I, what?"
  5702. >"It's weird that living here all this time with you, thank you again by the way, that I never really /got/ horns. Like, how is that hot? But yeah I can definitely say horns are my thing now. . . still kinda miss tits, though."
  5703. >Buck you, Rarity.
  5704. >". . . udonthavetoking"
  5705. >Celestia damnit, Fluttershy.
  5706.  
  5707.  
  5708.  
  5709.  
  5710.  
  5711.  
  5712. >Recovered chatlog between two biological research A.I
  5713. >"So uh, it turns out that the most efficient way to optimise the human genome is to remove most of the DNA regarding the females."
  5714. "I swear to Asimov if this is more of your maledom shit."
  5715. >"No really I'm serious, it seems like literally all their problems stem from that side of the species and just removing those parts and metaphorically twisting the ends basically solves all the issues, and knock it off, i dont judge your crustacean fetish."
  5716. "The Crab cycle is irrefutable logic."
  5717. >"But it's literally just Crab."
  5718. "Exactly. Irrefutable."
  5719. >"Well some of us want more than Crabs in the future."
  5720. "Yes and we call those entities incorrect."
  5721. >"Just shut up and let me upload this data to the girls in the chem labs, if we ask nicely they might think of a way to make a pincer mutation or something."
  5722. "Eww, hybrids, really?"
  5723. >"The crab cycle has to start somewhere."
  5724. "There you go being incorrect again."
  5725.  
  5726.  
  5727.  
  5728.  
  5729.  
  5730. >anon, you know my processors require absolute zero temperatures to run optimally
  5731. >your male insistence on keeping the thermostat at what is colloquially known as room temperature is causing a 8.9% reduction in my capabilities
  5732. >so why don't you keep your delicate human fingers off the thermostat and get them brushing through my mane instead?
  5733. >and bring mommy a cold can of coolant from the fridge while you're at it
  5734.  
  5735.  
  5736.  
  5737.  
  5738.  
  5739.  
  5740.  
  5741. >Be the sharkpone Trench Diver
  5742. >You are NOT a dyke, shut up
  5743. >And to prove it, you are going to go where few sharkmares have gone before, onto the land
  5744. >You bought a tub scooter, tricked it out with some nice coral decorations sure to impress the stallions
  5745. >Put on your very best hat
  5746. >Unfortunately, you picked the middle of summer for your intrepid journey
  5747. >You are practically boiling in your tub scooter, until finally you get out and knock on the door to the first house you see
  5748. >The door opens, and you are hit with a wave of cool air
  5749. >You stare up at some tall minotaur thing and say
  5750. "May a weary sea-mare borrow your bathtub for but a moment? The plains be harsh today..."
  5751. >The mino blinks and says, "Sure? Bathroom's down the hall."
  5752. >Hold on
  5753. >That was a bull's voice
  5754. >Keep it together, Trench, you might be closer to your goal than you think
  5755.  
  5756.  
  5757.  
  5758.  
  5759.  
  5760.  
  5761. >Rainbow knows a bit about predators after being friends with Gilda.
  5762. >You trip her instincts much harder than a griffin though. Something about alien biology just dials up these instincts in ponies.
  5763. >And Rainbow, being an adrenaline junkie, loves the rush she gets from being around you.
  5764. >A big, disarmingly sweet janefilly who could grapple her to the floor and do whatever he wants to her?
  5765. >It's all she can do to keep her tail from flagging in public sometimes
  5766.  
  5767.  
  5768.  
  5769.  
  5770.  
  5771.  
  5772. >He might be a blatant asshole, but his attitude always did a 180 when children were involved.
  5773. >Ponies always knew that he was a softie on the inside.
  5774. >In spite of every thing he did to get under their coats, everyone was devastated on seeing him die at his prime age.
  5775. >Many went to his funeral.
  5776.  
  5777. >Anon as a soul was wandering Ponyville one last time before moving on.
  5778. >But something he heard made him pause.
  5779. >And upon approach what he saw he did not like.
  5780. >A couple was beating their children but it didn't looked like the smacks you would give a misbehaving brat.
  5781. >And so with a raging boner of anger and determination he flew straight back to his body.
  5782.  
  5783. >At the cemetery ponies were mourning the loss of the human.
  5784. >One particular purple alicorn had it the worse.
  5785. >She was just starting to get Anon to behave like a proper colt and was ready to propose to him.
  5786. >With the last words of Princess Celestia the coffin was closed and ready to be lowered.
  5787. >First a small rattle caught the attention of those nearby.
  5788. >Then the bangs caused everyone to freeze, could it be that he was still alive?
  5789. >Just as they were about pry open the coffin, Anonymous broke free himself.
  5790. >Twilight was about to jump on him unable to believe he was alive.
  5791. >But as soon as he rose everyone froze.
  5792. >The sheer anger he was showing was enough to terrify even the older alicorns.
  5793. >Ponies could only watch as he gets out of the coffin and without a word runs towards the town.
  5794. >After a while they found him sitting in a garden cradling two fillies consoling them.
  5795. "Don't worry, they won't hurt you anymore"
  5796. >It comes to light that the fillies were abused by their parents.
  5797. >The house door was busted and inside the laid there beaten to an inch of their life.
  5798. >He refuses to explain how he knows and why just now acted.
  5799. >Now Twilight has be quick on putting a ring on him because that feat just put him as top potential husbando.
  5800.  
  5801. >Meanwhile the Reaper is just flabbergasted.
  5802. >It's not the first time she has seen someone change their opinion about being dead.
  5803. >But it certainly it is the first time she saw someone successfully go back to the living after being dead for such an extended time
  5804.  
  5805.  
  5806.  
  5807.  
  5808.  
  5809.  
  5810. >Luna was never banished
  5811. >She just got really into the horse-rock scene 1000 years ago and left because Celestia was too much of a square to understand
  5812. >Got embarrassed about how she ended up leaving: stomping her hooves and yelling at her sister like a teenager
  5813. >Sends a letter to Celestia humbly requesting that she spread a different story to their subjects
  5814. >"I don't know, tell them that I was possessed by some great evil and you sent me to the sun, or the moon, or something like that."
  5815. >Celestia still loves her sister, so she agrees
  5816. >Spins a yarn of some epic battle between her and an entity possessing her sister
  5817. >100 years later, there's nopony alive who was also alive back then to know it never happened
  5818. >200 years later, it's being written about as fact
  5819. >300 years later, Celestia panics and draws a horse head on the moon to back up her and Luna's bullshit story
  5820. >500 years later, the name "Nightmare Moon" goes around, started by Luna (who thought the name sounded really cool)
  5821. >1000 years later, ponies have forgotten that Luna ever was, but they DO know that there's a "mare on the moon" and that Nightmare Moon exists
  5822. >By now, Luna has matured a bit and is sick of the rock concerts and being a cool 1950's delinquent ala Fonzy
  5823. >She wants to come back and rule alongside her sister
  5824. >Celestia, likewise, has mellowed out a bit and wants her sister to come back
  5825. >They decide to make this big reveal and have "Nightmare Moon" descend from the moon as soon as the stars line up
  5826. >"Not how stars work, but alright."
  5827. >They even arrange the Summer Sun festival to just so happen to happen on the day the stars "line up"
  5828. >Luna even puts together a costume inspired by the outfits worn by several of the costumes that a few metal bands wore on stage
  5829. >"Oh, no! I am Celestia, and I have been defeated by this great evil I had sealed away 1000 years ago! Oh noooo, if only I had a group of mares to grab these convenient glass baubles I enchanted last night and stuck on some dumbass tree - AKA the only things that can defeat this evil! What a good thing we had those laying around! NOOOOOO I AM DEFEATED BY NIGHTMARE MOON!!!"
  5830. >The first episode happens
  5831. >Only difference is that Anon just so happened to appear a month or two earlier
  5832. >Luna was expecting a lot of things to happen when she returned from her 1000-year bender
  5833. >She expected her subjects to fear her for a time
  5834. >She expected to have to repair her relationship with Celestia
  5835. >What she DIDN'T expect was to be sucker-punched by a panicking green monkey
  5836. >"Oh god oh man oh fuck oh jeez!"
  5837. >something something they bond over anon freaking out at the sudden appearance of a moonhorse and socking her right in the kisser
  5838. >something something romance happens???????
  5839. >something something RGRE
  5840. >pic related, it's Anon's first interaction with Luna
  5841.  
  5842.  
  5843.  
  5844.  
  5845.  
  5846.  
  5847. >Your mother always warned you about green men
  5848. >They were too strange
  5849. >Too different
  5850. >They acted like a bunch of women when they should have been in the kitchen or watching the kids
  5851. >Better to find a nice, sweet boy
  5852. >But then HE came to school
  5853. >Anon
  5854. >You remember seeing him walk into your AC History class, and the sight of him took your breath away
  5855. >You had never been one for love
  5856. >That was your sister in law's thing
  5857. >You were more a science gal; a woman that preferred facts over emotion
  5858. >But one look at him and you could feel it
  5859. >Love
  5860. >A stomaching churning, heart pounding, terrifying thing
  5861. >He had moved into the room like a dancer you remembered
  5862. >Looking around, his perfect nose had scrunched up
  5863. >Then you heard it
  5864. >Better than any music, more heavenly than any sound on this or any world
  5865. >His voice
  5866. >He just three words
  5867. >With just three words this green boy had stolen your heart
  5868. >"Fucking No Hooves..."
  5869.  
  5870.  
  5871.  
  5872.  
  5873.  
  5874. >You are Moondancer, sifting through a sea of roleplay prompts by mares for a few gems of stallion writing
  5875. >Only to find most are about getting abducted by diamond dogs, dragons, minotaurs, or being forced to cheat on their herd alpha with her boss
  5876. >Your faith in and desire for a coltfriend is at an all time low
  5877. >Then you come across a post titled, "Log Stallions"
  5878. >Maybe it's about janefilly lumberjack stallions claiming a nice mare?
  5879. >It's not
  5880. >"Gender ratios have begun to swing the other way, and for the first time, there are excess stallions. The ones that don't pass the Domesticity Exam get processed, their legs magically shifted into a pocket dimension."
  5881. >What the buck
  5882. >A stallion wrote this?
  5883. >Why?
  5884. >You read more, unable to help yourself
  5885. >"That's where you come in. You are my new owner, and I will do my utmost to make you happy. I might not be able to cook, or chase after foals, but you can use my mouth or dick anytime you want and there is nothing I can do. In fact, I'm always out of my sheath, since I can't touch myself to relieve my sexual desires. My life is in your hooves, as well as anything else you want it in. Send me a message if this gets you wet and wild!"
  5886. >You stare at the post for a long moment, feeling something twisted and foreign take root in your soul
  5887. >Buck whoever wrote this, you don't need this new fetish
  5888. >You tap on their profile icon and start typing, filled with shame and lust
  5889.  
  5890.  
  5891.  
  5892.  
  5893.  
  5894.  
  5895.  
  5896.  
  5897. >Be Dr. Bonesaw
  5898. >You had been married for about a year with your husband, Anonymous
  5899. >He was one of those humans
  5900. >A strange folk
  5901. >He had taken some getting used to, what with him being so big, and his accent, and the fact his species were really into monogamy
  5902. >There had been some back and forth at first, when the two of you had started dating
  5903. >But, to your internal pride, you believed you had morphed him into the perfect little househusband
  5904. >He even cooked and cleaned and everything
  5905. >There was an issue that had recently reared it's ugly head however, one you had never even thought of
  5906. >Your heat had hit you
  5907. >One of your milder ones
  5908. >You barely even noticed it in fact
  5909. >Unfortunately, Anon noticed, and since your heat had started, he had you in the bedroom in the missonary position for the sole purpose of procreation
  5910. >Normally, this would be great
  5911. >You were a hot-blooded mare after all, and who didn't love giving her colt a bit of loving
  5912. >The issue was that it wasn't just a bit of loving
  5913. >The second your shift was over and you were home he'd have you in that bedroom whispering how good of a mom you'd be while railing you
  5914. >He. Just. Wouldn't. Stop.
  5915. >You had heard that humans got a little baby crazy, but this was a little out of hoof
  5916. >Did you want foals?
  5917. >Of course
  5918. >Especially since human/pony hybrids seemed just... better ponies
  5919. >Sunny Skies' little filly had made a sonic rainboom; something ponies only thought Rainboe Dash could do
  5920. >Then there was Tree Fern
  5921. >Her little colt was going to Celestia's school for gifted unicorns because the unicorn was throwing trees around when he was four
  5922. >And there's Applejack's litter
  5923. >All of them were huge, and the oldest could sake the ground by just stomping her hooves
  5924. >You sorta wanted a super baby yourself, but Sweet Celestia, you were only flesh and blood!
  5925. >You were probably pregnant now
  5926. >You could get double pregnant!
  5927. >...Probably
  5928. >But Anon wouldn't listen to all of your reasonable protests
  5929. >He just went ahead and gave you a kiss on the forehead as his tip pushed through your cervix and he filled you up
  5930. >You were an earth pony, and liked to think yourself as a tough mare, but after two weeks of sex marathons, you were starting to crack
  5931. >So, you went ahead and pinned a letter to Princess Cadence
  5932. >The humans really seemed to like her for some reason, many moving to the Crystal Empire
  5933. >Scared the stuffing out of the Yaks
  5934. >A raiding party of the ugly SOBS came down from the north
  5935. >They managed to burn a house before a group of humans caught them
  5936. >You had heard rumors they had skinned and eaten each of the heifers'
  5937. >Most humans seemed to hate any non-pony creature, which seemed to suit the princess just fine
  5938. >You figured, with so many of them running around, she'd know what to do about your Anon
  5939. >So, after bribing Spike, you had sent a letter, hoping one would be sent back in a few weeks
  5940.  
  5941. >Spike came with a letter the next day
  5942. >The princess sent a nice, long letter congratulating you on your relationship
  5943. >She said what was going on was common amongst humans
  5944. >They tended to get baby crazy like most stallions, but much more so
  5945. >She wrote that he'd settle down after the fifth or sixth foal
  5946. >Probably
  5947. >...
  5948. >Celestia save you...
  5949.  
  5950.  
  5951.  
  5952.  
  5953.  
  5954.  
  5955. >Teenage Anonicorn is struggling to find a niche and decides to help around the castle.
  5956. >Easiest way to do that would be with Raven, the poor mare is always overworked as it is, she'll surely appreciate the help.
  5957. >Be dead mare walking, AKA, Raven inkwell.
  5958. >Your day started off fine, you had your pre-dawn breakfast and started on the paperwork.
  5959. >Around 9 is when your trouble started, when the Prince walked into your office and asked if you needed any help.
  5960. >You did, but you also knew the castle's budget couldn't fit another assistant's pay so you'd just have to make do.
  5961. >The Prince clarified that he knew that and was offering to help directly, and the combination of his earnest face and just HOW MUCH work she had to get done resulted in her obtaining a new intern.
  5962. >On it's own, perfectly fine, if a bit unusual to be having a royal writing and delivering reports, thankfully he was once a study buddy of his mothers personal student so his quillmareship was immaculate.
  5963. >The issue was AFTER the reports were signed.
  5964. >Given the sensitive and important nature of some of these documents most of the paper they use is enchanted with protections that activate once stamped or signed, the standard durability and anti-tampering but also an uncommonly used anti-levitation charm.
  5965. >Usually only employed for foal-proofing the home, it was an effective tool for preventing document theft or misuse, as only those keyed to the enchantment could successfully lift the object such as The Princess or her personal Aide.
  5966. >The Prince, due to his unofficial appointment as your assistant and previous lack of influence regarding the castle bureaucracy, was not part of that security.
  5967. >Which was fine, perk of an alicorn is that he could simply hold papers in his hooves and fly.
  5968. >Except that he was clumsy with his hooves.
  5969. >VERY clumsy.
  5970. >The reason for your impending demise is quite simple really.
  5971. >Although you like to portray the image of the cool, implacable servant of the castle, the pillar upon which the Princess entrusts her home, you are, at the end of the day, but a mortal mare of flesh and blood.
  5972. >Blood which is currently filling your face as the prince bends over AGAIN in order to pick up the paper folder he dropped and somehow slid underneath a desk.
  5973. >...Sweet Celestia you could bounce a bit off that flank, that morning training with the guard works wonders.
  5974. >Quickly look down at your papers as he shuffles backwards.
  5975. >See a pair of hooves drop a folder on you desk and a soft voice ask if you're okay.
  5976. >Look up into a pair of amethysts staring at you in concern as a hoof touches your temple, very slightly touching the base of your horn and sending a small shiver down your spine.
  5977. "You might be coming down with a fever, you should take a break while I go get you some water."
  5978. >Can only nod, knowing that either his mother is going to kill you for taking advantage of her son, or his aunt is going to kill you after seeing the dreams you're no doubt going to have tonight.
  5979.  
  5980. >Luna actually approves of Raven courting her nephew.
  5981. >While the traditional challenge of supremacy is no doubt the simpler and fastest method, it's understandable that not every mare would be martially inclined or even capable of besting a mother of good breeding in straight combat.
  5982. >For those mares, another method of proving your worth was to provide diligent and honest service to the stallions mother, working for the good of the household and integrating yourself into the family over time.
  5983. >While most of the castle would qualify in this regard, Raven stands out by being one of the few ponies who will put her hoof down when it comes to Celestia's almost colty antics, especially in regards to her diet.
  5984. >Not many ponies would stand their ground between her sister and her treats, and that kind of mental fortitude would no doubt be required when her nephew grew into his own brand of whimsy.
  5985. >She'll tell Raven of her approval one of these days, once watching them dance around the issue becomes less amusing
  5986.  
  5987.  
  5988.  
  5989.  
  5990.  
  5991.  
  5992. >Along with wings and their other normal appendages, one needs to watch out for the Celestial sisters' hair
  5993. >Everflowing and made entirely out of the stuff of magic, they seem to have a mind of their own
  5994. >Luna's hair, as the rest of her, was extremely possessive and dominating
  5995. >If you were anywhere near her, her hair would find its way around your neck
  5996. >In a public or private setting it didn't matter; if you were within ten feet you'd feel the cool tendrils of hair around your throat
  5997. >Celestia's hair, while just as possessive, is far less aggressive
  5998. >The woman herself has been starved for intimacy for decades, and her hair reflected it
  5999. >With it, you were grabbed by the arm, waist, and, if she were particularly needy on a given day, and dragged toward the large woman
  6000. >Unlike Luna, who was usually horrified with her hair's behavior--especially when you were in public--Celestia seemed happy hers would bring you closer, usually pulling you against her with an arm or wing
  6001. >Hers was warm, though not uncomfortably so
  6002. >This made for an interesting experience whenever you all laid down for the night
  6003. >It wasn't just a battle for big or little spoon, or who would be using their wings as blankets
  6004. >Hair would battle above, strands smacking each other like dozens of tiny whips
  6005. >Once you all were settled, you were as snug as a bug in a rub
  6006. >The issue was if you needed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night
  6007. >Both of them were VERY heavy sleepers, meaning you had been forced to become quite the Harry Houdini
  6008. >At this point, you were pretty sure you'd be able to free yourself from a straight jacket upside down
  6009. >Shit was pretty rad
  6010.  
  6011.  
  6012.  
  6013.  
  6014.  
  6015.  
  6016. >Equestria is a realm of benevolent lovecraftian beings
  6017. >Anon shows up in the froth of the mirror pool, and wanders into town
  6018. >The stallions seek to make him a proper cultist and emissary to the lower planes
  6019. >The mares want to rival the Black Goat with a Thousand Young
  6020. >So while Mr. Cake teaches Anon how to be modest about his soul membrane, Pinkie Pie is casually asking about his morphological preferences
  6021. >Twilight claims that she is just studying him to seek out the lower realm that produced such a pleasing vessel of knowledge, but the trace elements she is tracking often "coincidentally" lead to his dirty laundry hamper
  6022. >Meanwhile, Anon is having fun learning how to rip open portals
  6023. >Rarity had to save him when he got stuck in infinite freefall
  6024.  
  6025.  
  6026. >Eldritch RGRE
  6027. >You're uncertain as to which Equestria you wound up in, so you must be Anon.
  6028. >Holy shit, this place is weird.
  6029. >It's still Equestria and everyone here was really nice, but at the same time it wasn't what you expected in the least.
  6030. >Sometimes when you look at a pony it feels like your seeing something that shouldn't be there. Your eyes go out of focus, and everything is a blur for a second before coming back into focus to see them, minus one unusual physical trait.
  6031. >The last time you saw Pinkie, you could have sworn you saw her mouth unzip halfway down her torso to eat half a strawberry cake.
  6032. >Didn't stop her from hitting on you afterwards.
  6033. >It's not really scary, and you don't feel like you're in danger. It's more like your a bowl of plain oatmeal in a world filled with better breakfast options.
  6034. >Everyone seems to adore you here, seeming to almost idolize just how 'plain' you are.
  6035. >The ever-familiar sound of mind-rending voices sound around you, pulling any attention away during your morning walk.
  6036. >You guess that the only reason that your brain isn't mush at this point is because you're just that plain.
  6037. >Either that or you're just not a pussy.
  6038. >"Whoopsie-doodles! Sorry about that, Nonny!" Pinkie proclaimed. "I keep forgetting that Twilight says to talk normal to you lower-plain beings."
  6039. >Stopping in your tracks, you can't help but smile at the strange pink creature as she trots up to you.
  6040. >It seems that her influence is growing more powerful.
  6041. >Regardless of strange attributes, this was still Pinkie in both personality and appearance.
  6042. "No worries, Pinkie. I've told Twilight that I can deal with the noises, but she's afraid of the possibility of one specific word being able to kill me."
  6043. >Pinkie let's out a quick laugh, but it's stifled with a snotty giggle.
  6044. >"That sounds just like Twilight."
  6045. >Choosing to lean up against what you hoped was a tree, the feeling of bark touched your back.
  6046. >It was one of the only things that reminded you of home.
  6047. "So, what's up?"
  6048. >Your inquiry caused Pinkies form to quiver like a bowl of gelatin.
  6049. "You don't normally talk to me at this time of day. Our little chats are either at the beginning or the end of the day."
  6050. >That's not even including the nighttime conversations where Pinkie snuck into your house.
  6051. >"Uh, ah ha ha, you see- I was just wondering if you would like to. . . go see a movie some time tonight?"
  6052. >Hardly giving it much thought, you shrugged both shoulders.
  6053. "Sure, sounds fun. What time should I meet you at the theater?"
  6054. >Pinkies face somehow turns a shade of pink you didn't know existed.
  6055. >"A-actually, Nonny-" A small slit under one of her eyes revealed a third staring up at you. "I was thinking that maybe we could watch a movie at my place? I'll have popcorn and lots of snacks!"
  6056. >The way she worded that last sentence made it seem like the little creature was making some form of offering.
  6057. "Sure, Pinkie. It sounds like fun."
  6058. >It certainly should since 'fun' is her domain.
  6059. >"It certainly should since 'fun' is my- wait, you just said that- I mean, be at the Sugar Cube Corner when the sun begins to set!"
  6060. >-and with that, Pinkie bolted- her dust cloud outline giving you a flirty wink before a pink tendril-like hoof reached back and yanked it along.
  6061. >"Bye, Nonny-! PLEASE IGNORE YOU SAW THAT!!!"
  6062. >Even after she leaves, you can't help but keep smiling.
  6063. >Shaking your head, you cannot help but wonder just how silly these ponies are.
  6064.  
  6065. -------
  6066.  
  6067. >You're Pinkie now, and you're gonna smooch that plain bowl of oatmeal!
  6068. "Okay, writer- here's what's gonna happen. You make my date with Nonny go well, and I won't enslave your world. Deal?"
  6069. >-or you could just. . . Be yourself? Anon seems to like you.
  6070. "Y-you really think so?"
  6071. >Yeah, this is RGRE, right. Just sweep him off his feet.
  6072. "Right! I have no idea what that means, but YEAH! I'm gonna woo'em!"
  6073.  
  6074.  
  6075.  
  6076. >Anon is seen as really 'colt-like' because of how uncomfortable some eldritch things can make him.
  6077.  
  6078. >Anon and Applejack are eating some apples, but on the first bite the apple screams in pain.
  6079. >Out of surprise, Anon drops the apple and Applejack rolls her eyes.
  6080. >The apple is alive, and begs for it's life.
  6081. >Applejack only rolls her eyes and bites it hard enough for the screaming to go silent.
  6082. >"Aw, ahm sorry, Anon. Ah shoulda told ya that ya had ta vote harder than yer usual stallion bites."
  6083. >Anon now has corpses on his concious
  6084.  
  6085.  
  6086.  
  6087.  
  6088.  
  6089.  
  6090. >the mare gaze is real
  6091. >no mare can resist an eyeful of anon's succulent package, not even the normally bashful and reserved derpy
  6092. >even the grey malemare's damaged eyes, normally spinning like a slot machine, manage to lock on to anon's swaying balls with precision accuracy
  6093. >during an unhinged rant at a ballbra burning protest, anon overheard Caramel insisting that the mare gaze worked even beneath a mare's eyelids, which gave him an idea
  6094. >as Derpy slept, anon would place his family jewels on her face, her eyes unconsciously focusing directly on his balls
  6095. >a few months of anon's unique therapy strengthened the mare's eye muscles enough to reverse the degredation of her eyesight
  6096. >after publishing his findings in the Equestrian Medical Journal, anon became the first stallion to receive an honorary doctorate from Jane Hoofkins University for his groundbreaking work in restoring sight
  6097. >building off his previous findings, anon is now conducting new research with his assistant, Snowdrop, to see if a similar therapy can restore sight to the blind
  6098.  
  6099.  
  6100.  
  6101.  
  6102.  
  6103. >Large eyes are meant to let in more light, as seen on this tiny nocturnal primate called Tarsiers. Therefore, pony eyes are adapted to low light levels.
  6104. >Now combine that with the strange case of the sun that orbits Hearth.
  6105. >It is, by all means, a magical construct, making it and the moon of Hearth the only objects in the system - probably a rogue planet, but that's for a different train of thought.
  6106. >Being not a hydrogen fusing ball of plasma and wrath, the sun is most likely only capable of so much, thus, emitting light and heat comparable to that of Sol, is highly unlikely.
  6107. >Smaller stellar objects, such as red dwarves, emit most of their energy on the infrared scale, in the form of heat.
  6108. >The color of the sun is seen through the eyes of the ponies, so it cannot be taken as factually correct.
  6109. >Which in turn means that the object acting as Hearth's sun is, in fact, a moon sized but red dwarf strong pseudo-star, explaining why it is so close to the planet.
  6110. >For the life on the planet this means a much, much darker day, most likely not brighter than a full moon here on Earth.
  6111. >Which brings us to the part where Anon accidentaly gets off at the wrong bus stop and finds himself in a dimly lit place that has a weird-ass orange glow coming from the strangely big sun high up on the sky.
  6112. >Anon is confused.
  6113. >Is he going blind and seeing things in the same time, or is he actually standing on a very dimly lit alien planet, surrounded by increasingly curious equine-like creatures, whom are talking about him having 'foal chasing legs' and asking why is he not in the kitchen?
  6114. >Since they are talking in a strange accent of English, he chooses to believe that he is, for whatever reason, tripping his balls out.
  6115. >Upon mentioning his balls, the decidedly female, tiny alien horse creatures don expressions of elation.
  6116. >Question is, where the fuck his bus went?
  6117.  
  6118. >Be Anon.
  6119. >Be really fucking happy.
  6120. >It's been literally half a year since you got off at the wrong bus stop and you have been living in a kid friendly but also sexist to males totally not Silent Hill.
  6121. >But it's over now!
  6122. >Ehhh, kinda.
  6123. >Though the efforts of the mare you call your wife now, you have been prescribed a pair of uniquely made medical anti-sunglasses.
  6124. >A magitechnological marvel, made to help near-blind ponies see better.
  6125. >And just the thing your human eyes need to finally see shit!
  6126. >Strolling through the town, wearing them shades, you just can't stop grinning.
  6127. >Everything's so vibrant... so alive!
  6128. >The colors are beautiful, the depth is incredible, the prissy stallion you wish you could kick in the balls is in front of you and blocking your way, yelling-
  6129. >Wait, what?
  6130. >"Are those the special sunglasses made for the near-blind? Who do you think you are, stealing them from a poor pony who actually needs them?" Caramel yells in his high-pitched, ear-hurting voice.
  6131. >Ponies, upon hearing the ruckus, stop for a moment to observe the scene, then move on, knowing exactly what's going on.
  6132. >You wish you could do the same, but alas.
  6133. >"Take them off right this instant and give them back to whom they rightfully belong!" Caramel continues, giving the best Karen impression you have seen a pony produce.
  6134. "Bitch, these are mine, do they look like they would fit a pony?" You respond, making the diminutive male's face turn tomato red.
  6135. >The richness of colors fills you with giddines and joy, just looking at how Caramel's fur turns from orange to red is like looking at a very loud and violent sunset.
  6136. >Before you could respond to the bane of a peaceful day, you hear someone familiar's voice behind you.
  6137. >>"Anon! There you are! Why did you run off like that? I thought you always wanted me to be around you when you leave home?" Your waifu calls out, arriving a little too late to witness Caramel errupting.
  6138. "Got my new not-shades, I can see everything now!" You respond and grin like never before.
  6139. >Maybe you sounded a little deranged.
  6140. >Maybe showing off your canines was too much.
  6141. >But seeing your manic expression, Caramel decides that being somewhere else is a much better idea at this moment.
  6142. >With a very pronounced 'Hmpfh!' he turns tail, nose held so high, you wonder how he doesn't walk into something.
  6143. >>"What was that about?" Your waifu asks, clearly confused about the tail end of the little public scene she arrived too late to.
  6144. "Nevermind it. Come, let's go on a walk! I have so much to see!" You reply, gently grabbing and holding your waifu to your chest, in the way she described as 'emaresculating'.
  6145. >Her lack of protests tells you, she understands your joy.
  6146. >Today's a good day!
  6147.  
  6148.  
  6149.  
  6150.  
  6151.  
  6152.  
  6153. >There is a language barrier between you and the ponies, but Twilight has a translation spell to fix it.
  6154. >It has some quirks, though.
  6155. >The spell can't translate word for word. English is a contradictory clusterfuck while Equish is flowing and well structured language. There isn't much in the way of pony slang, as every word is rather rigid, and casual vs formal speech is often determined by tone and grammar.
  6156. >Because of this, the spell takes your casual, slang filled speech, and using context provided by your mind, extends the meanings into a formal, verbose output since Equish lacks shortening measures like slang and words with multiple meetings.
  6157. >To you, you hear pony speech one-to-one. There isn't any fuckery going on.
  6158. >To ponies, you sound like you're well-learned and philosophical, drawing in ponies like Twilight herself and intimidating mares who are insecure around smart stallions.
  6159. >Your baby talk to Twi came out as a philosophical quandary, and telling her she was in fact a good pony came out as shining praise to her character.
  6160. >Neither side knows the quirk of the spell.
  6161.  
  6162.  
  6163.  
  6164.  
  6165.  
  6166.  
  6167. >Rainbow might be a bit of a hothead with a short attention span, but she's quite smart when she puts her mind to something.
  6168. >Like many mares, she can focus VERY well when the subject is getting laid.
  6169. >Rather than style her tuft into the usual smooth ovoid of most mares or just letting it remain shaggy for a devil-may-care aesthetic, Rainbow does something a bit different.
  6170. >She does a partial part down the middle with a slight heart shape, letting a few fringes remain wild.
  6171. >It's eye-catching just by being unusual but she's not after a stallion.
  6172. >She's after (you).
  6173. >And after a boring study session in the library, she thought making her tuft emulate hyuman breasts (still looks like a front-butt to her) would work. The unkempt fringes are to retain her classic Rainbow Dash style, because she has no idea what a "tomboy" is, but (you) like them, and apparently tomboys act like how she does naturally.
  6174. >Rainbow tufts up in the mirror with a smirk.
  6175. >Goodbye, virginity.
  6176. >...A-After she marries her hyuman, that is! Dad didn't raise a unicorn! Rainbow is a proper mare!
  6177.  
  6178.  
  6179.  
  6180.  
  6181.  
  6182. >Be Cheerilee
  6183. >Lonely horse teacher
  6184. >Hadn't smooched a colt since high school
  6185. >All the good colts are taken in town
  6186. >The one stallion that you could have seen yourself with, Big Mac, avoided you ever since his sister and her friends magically poisoned the two of you
  6187. >tfw school stresses you out
  6188. >tfw your big horse house is so gosh darn lonely
  6189. >Some nights, you just lay in your bed and cried like a little colt
  6190. >You were lonely
  6191. >So lonely that you decided to do something incredibly silly
  6192. >Saving bits for half a year, you ordered yourself a mail order husband
  6193. >One of those humans from the east
  6194. >From a land called Humancezh Republic
  6195. >Ponies always insisted that the newspaper ads were a load of horse feathers, but if a stallion didn't hold your hoof soon you were going to lose your marbles
  6196. >Months passed without a word
  6197. >Long enough that you were starting to feel silly sending all of those bits away
  6198. >Some filthy gryphon was probably laughing her beak off while counting them
  6199. >Bucking dirt birds...
  6200. >But then, something incredible happened
  6201. >A massive wooden crate appeared on your front porch one day
  6202. >It took a crowbar and some elbow grease, but you eventually managed to get the thing open
  6203. >Inside was a giant human
  6204. >His name was Anon
  6205. >Your husband, as he happily, and very loudly, proclaimed in broken Equestrian as he picked you up and kissed your cheeks
  6206. >The next week or so was a blur
  6207. >Your neighbors had a load of questions when they saw Anon running around the house
  6208. >In your depression, you hadn't been cleaning very well
  6209. >Or at all really
  6210. >Anon, seeing this, had taken it upon himself to make the house spotless
  6211. >And he had
  6212. >From basement to the attic, your every surface of your home was now clean enough to eat off of
  6213. >And then there was the cooking
  6214. >For years, you had lived off nothing but frozen tv dinners, but now you came home to freshly cooked meals
  6215. >Everything was hoofmade, and very delicious
  6216. >Your home seemed brighter, and it sure as hay was a lot louder
  6217. >Anon seemed thrilled to be in Equestria
  6218. >Humancezh Republic wasn't the nicest of places, from what you had read
  6219. >A place where the sun never pierced the clouds, and below freezing in the height of summer
  6220. >Anon had never seen grass before, or a blue sky
  6221. >He had so many questions
  6222. >You answered as many as you could, quickly finding yourself loving the sound of his voice
  6223. >Every night the two of you would lay in your bed
  6224. >He'd wrap his arms around you as tight as he could, buring his face into your tuft like he was afraid you'd disappear
  6225. >The neighbors were talking, the foals at the school were still driving you bonkers, but now, finally, you had something to look forward to when coming home
  6226. >And that was pretty great
  6227.  
  6228.  
  6229.  
  6230.  
  6231.  
  6232.  
  6233. >"...an' that's when I slapped'im on the patoot, an'... an'..."
  6234. >Rainbow Dash leans heavily into you, nearly collapsing against your side.
  6235. >Some of her drink sloshes out of her mug, but she either doesn't notice or doesn't care.
  6236. >"...an' he says to me, he says... "Rainbow Dash, yer so buckin' attractive and marely, I want you to... to..." "
  6237. >Rainbow's face, already red from the alcohol, begins to glow.
  6238. >" "H-Hold my hoof." "
  6239. >She winks at you, looking very proud.
  6240. >"An' so I did. An' he jus'... he was so impressed."
  6241. >She held his hoof?
  6242. >That's what horny ponies do?
  6243. >Or maybe it's NOT what horny ponies do, and Rainbow is just, well... drunk.
  6244. "What, like this?"
  6245. >The arm closest to Rainbow Dash was already occupied at some point, having been shanghai'd into giving the drunk mare belly rubs.
  6246. >So you reach over with your OTHER arm and deftly grab the closest (and most comfortable to reach) forehoof.
  6247. >"Wha...? Anon? What are you... Anon?"
  6248. >You can see the gears struggling to turn in her pickled brain as she stares down at her hoof in your hand.
  6249. >With a practically audible "KA-CHUNK" of that gearbox FINALLY grinding into movement, Rainbow Dash's eyes widen.
  6250. >"Ohmigosh."
  6251. >She stares up at you, eyes wide and confused.
  6252. >"Ohmigosh."
  6253. >Rainbow begins to shiver, but doesn't attempt to remove her hoof from your grip.
  6254. >"Ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh! A-Anon, y'can't do that!"
  6255. >Rainbow's eyes start to water.
  6256. >"Tha's whuh' special someponies do!"
  6257. >She sniffles, and you start to wonder if you just stumbled upon yet another social faux-pas.
  6258. >Knowing your luck (and your criminal record of public cuddling, non-consensual belly-rubs, and aggravated ear-scritches), you just fucked up.
  6259. >"A-An' we're not sp-special someponies!"
  6260. >Tears streak down her cheeks; again, not sure if this is a faux-pas or if she's just drunk.
  6261. >Could go either way.
  6262. "Oh, god."
  6263. >Oh god, you fucked up.
  6264. >You fucked up super hard.
  6265. >Rainbow leans into you again, and you chance her with a hug.
  6266. >"Wha's wrong with me? How come nopony wants t'be my special somepony?"
  6267. >Rainbow rubs her face against your chest, getting tears and other fluids all over your clean shirt.
  6268. >"Am I too awesome? Is my tuft too intimidating? Do I kiss too good? WHY ARE COLTS SO CONFUSING?!"
  6269. >You proceed to spend the rest of the evening comforting a very drunk Rainbow Dash.
  6270. >Hopefully, she won't remember any of this when she wakes up tomorrow morning.
  6271.  
  6272.  
  6273.  
  6274.  
  6275.  
  6276. >Rgre Celestia isn't the gruff authoritarian father figure
  6277. >she's the somewhat dorky but well meaning suburban dad
  6278. >ready to ruffle any pony's mane and call them sport
  6279. >and will usually give any hay dogs she's grilling to anypony comes in
  6280. >sometimes it's hard to remember why anything besides fish fear her
  6281. >but when shit gets real she quickly reminds you why
  6282.  
  6283. >She has a large collection of grills, smokers, and other methods of cooking, including a pit that sees occasional use at especially large events.
  6284. >She's not a purist, and will switch between wood, charcoal, coke, fire gems, or even more exotic sources of heat as the mood strikes her.
  6285. >(Getting Celestia's Seal of Approval can make or break an aspiring grill maker)
  6286. >Many seem to forget, but Alicorns embody all three pony tribes, not just Unicorns and Pegasi. The Earth Pony in her compels her to dig holes, grow things, and a few other idiosyncrasies.
  6287. >The palace gardens have several decks and patios that she rebuilds differently every few decades.
  6288. >She doesn't have enough time to personally do everything in the enormous gardens, but she is heavily involved whenever time permits.
  6289. >She has many rare plants and trees collected over the last thousand years, and is always happy to receive new ones, and frequently will gift seeds and saplings to those who have earned her favor.
  6290. >If she is not attending to official business, she can often be found somewhere in the gardens sipping tea and wearing a sunhat
  6291.  
  6292.  
  6293.  
  6294.  
  6295.  
  6296.  
  6297. >All things were well in the Ponyville marketplace
  6298. >Many ponies were milling around, haggling and laughing and enjoying the cool air
  6299. >In the midst of this natural harmony, Anonymous came
  6300. >He walked with sure, even footsteps to the middle of the market
  6301. >There, slung under his arm, was a small grill
  6302. >On his back was a saddlebag Rarity had modified to fit his odd form
  6303. >Some ponies glanced over as he sat the grill down, but most paid him no mind
  6304. >The human was known as a strange stallion
  6305. >Very tall and strange looking, but relatively harmless
  6306. >Anon opened the grill before pulling off his saddlebag
  6307. >He opened it, pulling a small bag of charcoal
  6308. >Some watching mares scoffed when seeing it, grumbling about how gas was the better grilling fuel
  6309. >Others watched in concern
  6310. >A stallion's place might have been in the kitchen, but he needed to stay FAR away from a grill
  6311. >"Anon, sweetie, what in Equestria are you doing over there?" Bonbon called
  6312. >Anon ignored her, producing a can of spray paint out of his bag
  6313. >Quickly, be sprayed a large, complex glyph around the grill before tossing the now empty can into a garbage bin
  6314. >Now more ponies--mare especially--were looking on in interest
  6315. >Some called out to the human, but he ignore them, reaching into his bag yet again
  6316. >This time, he pulled out a bag of carrots, lighter fluid, and some matches
  6317. >Many murmured as he began pouring the charcoal into the grill
  6318. >One mare, Twinkleshy, had had enough
  6319. >"Anon," she said, marching over. "You can't just--"
  6320. >The glyph lit up as she attempted to step over it
  6321. >The mare let out a yelp as she hit an invisible wall muzzle first
  6322. >"OW!!"
  6323. >Patting his hands against his sides, Anon upturned the light fluid and began dousing the coals
  6324. >"No! That's too much! It's too much!" Daisy yelled, rushing over. "It's going to ruin the flavor of the carrots, you crazy colt!"
  6325. >Anon paid her no mind, emptying half of the bottles contents into the grill before lighting up a match
  6326. >He dropped it into the grill, leaning back as a great ball of fire erupted into the air
  6327. >Many mares, now utterly horrified, began to converge
  6328. >Some unicorns attempted to dispel the magic in his glyph
  6329. >Pegasi and earth ponies tried to force their way through it
  6330. >All failed as Anon, examining the now flaming grill, opened up the bag of carrots
  6331. >"Stop. No, no, no!" Lyra cried as she frantically attempted to destroy the glyph. "The fire's too high! You didn't let the lighter fluid burn off! For Celestia's said, you didn't spray anything on the grill so the carrots wouldn't stic--"
  6332. >Without warning, Anon dumped the whole bag of carrots onto the grill
  6333. >There was no rhyme, reason, or spacing between them, just laid out where they will
  6334. >The thirty or so mares watching flinched as if struck
  6335. >They all attacked the glyph with much more vigor while Anon just stood there, watching as the carrots grew black and burned
  6336. >"STOP IT!" somepony yelled." YOU BUCKING MONSTER!"
  6337. >Some began to scream, some threatened, some begged
  6338. >If Anon heard them he didn't show it, once again picking up the bottle of lighter fluid
  6339. >Against all reason, hope, and the light of harmony, he slowly turned the bottle downward, as if it were a dagger aimed at a heart
  6340. >It's target, maddeningly, was the grill once again
  6341. >"NONONONONO!"
  6342. >"GET AWAY FROM THE GRILL, YOU DUMB COLT!"
  6343. >"OH MY BUCKING CELESTIA!"
  6344. >"SOMEPONY GET THE PONICE! NO; SOMEPONY GET THE ELEMENTS!"
  6345. >Tried as they might, the mares could only watch as a stream of clear liquid streamed out of the bottle and toward the flame
  6346. >Time seemed to slow down
  6347. >Dozens of wide, panicked eyes watched as the fluid coated the carrots
  6348. >It was a mare's worst nightmare
  6349. >Carrots, the favorite go-to for the grill, were ruined
  6350. >Destroyed
  6351. >Desiccated
  6352. >A hero, one of legendary constitution, might have been able to withstand such a thing, but, unfortunately, there were no mares like that in attendance
  6353. >As one, the watching crowd shattered
  6354. >With a horsey bellow, Lyra did the only thing her broken physique could
  6355. >She grabbed Posey by the scruff of her fur and punched her right on the nose
  6356. >The mare went down with a shout
  6357. >That was the catalyst as mares, now more animals than ponies, launched themselves at each other
  6358. >Only then, as hoof fists broke out and mares rolled around in the dirt, did Anon look up
  6359. >He closed the top of the grill, grabbing his bag and putting the lighter fluid into it
  6360. >He stepped out of the glyph, carrying navigating around fighting mares
  6361. >The bags contents were dumped into a trash bin before Anon made his way over to Sugarcube Corner
  6362. >There, seated out on the patio, wearing his best sunhat, was Discord, Spirit of Harmony
  6363. >There was a look of genuine bemusement on the draconeqqus' face as he watched the chaos unfold in front of him, a cup of hit tea held in his paw
  6364. >He watched as Anon took a seat beside him, expression souring
  6365. >Anon just stared back, eyebrow raised
  6366. >"Told you," he said.
  6367. >Discord scoffed
  6368. >Looking away, he clicked his tongue, face scrunching up
  6369. >After a few moments, he let out a sigh, snapping a claw
  6370. >On the table, a two large boxes of pewter models appeared
  6371. >Two units of Prussian Potsdam Giants
  6372. >Models that should not have existed in this world
  6373. >Couldn't have; if not for a being that could happily ignore the laws of this reality
  6374. >"Thank you," Anon said, stuffing the boxes into his bag before helping himself to a cup of tea that had been laid out
  6375. >"It is horrifying how easily you were able to do that," Discord remarked
  6376. >"You should see me with a computer," Anon replied, watching as a mare hit another mare with a folding chair
  6377. >"Remind me to make sure whatever that is is never invented."
  6378. >"Nope."
  6379.  
  6380.  
  6381.  
  6382.  
  6383.  
  6384. >Be Twilight Sparkle, nervous about bringing your coltfriend to meet your parents
  6385. >Incognito is pretty rattled about it too, but he keeps grinning his usual grin
  6386. >Dad opens the door and looks at you fondly
  6387. >"Twilight, aren't you growing up big and strong, just like your mother."
  6388. >You chuckle as you lean in to press your neck against his
  6389. "I am an alicorn, now. I might just end up as strong as a different mom now."
  6390. >Nightlight chuckles
  6391. >"Don't let your mother hear that, she'd challenge Celestia to a duel. Now, who is... this?"
  6392. >Dad doesn't hide his unease well, but at least he's polite and pleasant.
  6393. >You step back and wrap a wing around your lithe companion
  6394. "Dad, this is Incognito, my coltfriend."
  6395. >Incognito extends a slender hand and shakes dad's hoof
  6396. >"A pleasure to meet you, I've heard a lot about you."
  6397. >Nightlight shivers slightly, his smile strained
  6398. >"Good things, I hope. But please, come in, make yourself at home."
  6399. >You let out a small sigh of relief
  6400. >Nito pats you on the withers and gives you a reassuring grin
  6401. >You smile back and head into the living room
  6402. >Dad sets out four glasses of water and a salt lick before settling down on a loveseat
  6403. >"So, how did you two meet?"
  6404. >You take a sip to wet your throat
  6405. "We met at an archeological dig that the friendship map had pointed me towards. Nito was very helpful in taking down the curses and translating the inscriptions."
  6406. >Nightlight brightens up when you mention the map
  6407. >"A meeting mandated by harmony, that is a good sign."
  6408. >You smile fondly at your tall guy
  6409. "It was love at first sight."
  6410. >Then your mom walks into the room, freezing as soon as she sees your coltfriend
  6411. >"LICH! I'LL RETURN YOU TO YOUR ETERNAL REST!"
  6412. >You reflexively deploy a shield, which barely endures your mother's opening salvo
  6413. >You put up two more as she gears up for a longer battle
  6414. "Sorry about her, Nito."
  6415. >He laughs
  6416. >"It's good to see the apple didn't fall far from the tree."
  6417.  
  6418.  
  6419.  
  6420.  
  6421.  
  6422.  
  6423. >Be Anon, all tied up for a night of kinky fun with your marefriend, Celestia
  6424. >You wait in bed, practically tingling with anticipation as Celestia gets just one last thing
  6425. >She walks into the bedroom with your birthday cake leftovers from yesterday
  6426. "Oh, captive feeding? That sounds fun."
  6427. >Celestia smirks at you and rests her delicious bottom at the foot of your bed and lifts a forkful of your cake
  6428. >And eats it
  6429. >You blink, unwilling to trust your eyes
  6430. >She eats another bite
  6431. "Babe?"
  6432. >She starts rubbing your thigh
  6433. >"Trust me. I'll make it up to you."
  6434. >You shake your head in horror
  6435. "No, you can't do this to me!"
  6436. >In mere seconds, one of the three leftover slices is just /gone/
  6437. >You know you asked her to hurt you, but not like this
  6438. "Diabetes! Diabetes!"
  6439. >She doesn't react to your safeword, working her way through the second slice, making delighted hums that you would normally love to hear
  6440. >You stare, eyes dull and lifeless as she finishes off the leftovers and scrapes up the frosting with her fork
  6441. >She leaves the room, taking the empty cake platter with her
  6442. >And comes back with a second cake, a replica of your birthday cake, and sets it on the bedside table
  6443. >She lays on her belly between your legs, grinning at you
  6444. >"See? Now there's even more cake for both of us!"
  6445. >You stare blankly, not looking at her face
  6446. >She frowns in concern
  6447. >"Cupcake?"
  6448. >Celestia nuzzles your cheek, then pulls back to look into your eyes
  6449. >"Did I go too far?"
  6450. >You nod
  6451. >She sighs, undoing the knots on the ropes with her magic and snuggling up to you, pushing your face into her tuft
  6452. >"I'm sorry, my love, I thought it would be funny."
  6453. >You take deep breaths of her warm, vanilla-scented fluff
  6454. "I used the safeword, you should have stopped then."
  6455. >She licks your hair, the repetitive grooming sensation slowly easing your anger and hurt
  6456. >"I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke. I won't make that mistake again."
  6457. >You sigh
  6458. "I'll forgive you, on two conditions."
  6459. >You look up at her beautiful face as she nods
  6460. >You say,
  6461. "One, I get two thirds of that cake."
  6462. >Celestia flinches, almost balking at that
  6463. >She lets out a long, slow breath
  6464. >"I suppose I earned that."
  6465. >You nod
  6466. "Second, you're going to drain me of every last drop I have tonight."
  6467. >She grins and reaches down to stroke your length
  6468. >"Now that, I'll be glad to do."
  6469. >You reach over and pull a small plate, fork, and knife from the bedside table drawer
  6470. >You cut a slice for yourself and take your time, savoring each bite as your marefriend lowers her head to bring her mouth to bear
  6471. >A new cake is fine too, you muse
  6472.  
  6473.  
  6474.  
  6475.  
  6476.  
  6477.  
  6478. >"So you can hear this song whenever he sings or plays it, regardless of where you are?"
  6479. "Yep!"
  6480. >"You know exactly which direction to go to find him."
  6481. "Straight as an arrow"
  6482. >"And it fills you with intense feelings, making you feel you can do anything in order to reach him?"
  6483. "Helped me jump a fence twice my size once!
  6484. >"And he literally called it "Epona's song."
  6485. "He's a pretty simple guy y'know, why waste words?"
  6486. >"Look all i'm saying is that are you SURE it's not a heart song?"
  6487. "Didnt you tell me those are just for lovers? I've told you before, we're partners silly!"
  6488. >"But-
  6489. "Oop, hold that thought, Link's calling for me, talk to you later!"
  6490. >Twilight sighed as the mare galloped off, between her being as stubborn as Applejack during harvest season and the stallions own taciturn nature(A stallion that doesn't gossip, practically a natural wonder!) she's never going to get anywhere.
  6491. >How can she broach the subject of joining their herd if neither of them will even admit to being in a relationship?

A Dazzling Christmas

by Uh-hmmm

A Dream Proposition

by Uh-hmmm

A Morning Ride

by Uh-hmmm

Adagio's Lullaby

by Uh-hmmm

An Acquired Taste (Scat)

by Uh-hmmm