Depressed Redheart


                                            >It's hard, Anon. Watching them die like that.

                                            >I don't know how the others do it.

                                            >They tell me that I've just got to hold my head high.

                                            >That death's just a part of life.

                                            >That 'it gets easier.'

                                            >But I'm scared, because honestly, it hasn't been getting any easier.

                                            >The ponies I treat in the terminal ward are suffering every minute of their lives, and there's nothing that can make it any better.

                                            >So the world has given up on them, and in their eyes, I can see they know it.

                                            >Some of them ask me to just end it. Spare them the trouble of this miserable existence.

                                            >It breaks my heart knowing I can't.

                                            >Sometimes, I'm tempted. Tempted to show them one small mercy that nopony has ever bothered to offer them.

                                            >But I know I'd just lose my job, and what good would that do?

                                            >So I just hold their hoof and tell them to hang on a little longer, knowing full well how empty those words are.

                                            >It doesn't comfort them. They know and I know there's no hope left for them. It's just a matter of running out the clock.

                                            >The other nurses see me after a shift, and they ask me, "Why don't you request a transfer out of that hole?"

                                            >Don't get me wrong. I want to. I really want to.

                                            >I hate it here, Anon. I can't stand it.

                                            >But I can't leave them behind.

                                            >Some of those ponies... they don't have anyone.

                                            >Can you imagine it? Day in, day out, hours upon hours of lying in bed alone, nothing to do but watch yourself slowly waste away?

                                            >If I don't take the time to sit by their side, no one else will.

                                            >The other nurses in the ward sure don't.

                                            >Maybe that's why they can cope. They don't let themselves get attached.

                                            >But is that fair, to let ponies die without a single soul out there to miss them when they're gone?

                                            >I know it's just going to keep eating me away, but I don't want to live in a world like that.

                                            >A world where it's so easy to die unloved.

                                            >Every day, when I wake up, I tell myself to suck it up and put on a brave face.

                                            >Because if I'm not there, they'll notice.

                                            >I guess, in the end, that's why I do it. I became a nurse to help ponies, and they feel better having me around, no matter how small a comfort it really is.

                                            >So, yeah, I smile, I crack jokes with the patients, I tell them how handsome they're looking today, and even though they know it's a facade, it really does make them feel better.

                                            >That way it's not totally miserable when they die.

                                            >...

                                            >...not for them, at least.

                                            >I know what you're thinking, Anon. I've heard it all before.

                                            >'No matter how much good you think you're doing, it's only going to hurt you twice as much in the long run.'

                                            >Maybe you and the others are right.

                                            >But I'm not going to stop.

                                            >Because I think, deep down...

                                            >I'm afraid of that being me.

                                            >I—

                                            >I'm scared to die alone, Anon.

                                            >I don't dare let them go without feeling like somepony cared about them, because when I look at those ponies, I see myself.

                                            >Do you know how terrifying it is to see your face in the reflection of death?

                                            >I pray that by not letting them suffer that fate, I can stop it from happening to me.

                                            >And that's nonsense.

                                            >The truth is, there's nothing I can do.

                                            >This job just chews me up and spits me out. It's hard making friends, I can't keep a relationship...

                                            >It's turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and every day it gets a little harder.

                                            >I don't know how much longer I can take it.

                                            >So I know it's stupid, and I know it's probably not the best idea, but tonight...

                                            >Would you lie here with me? Hold me, and just tell me everything is going to be okay?

                                            >I know what I just said, about how no one can ever know that for sure.

                                            >But... if it came from you...

                                            >I think...

                                            >I think I might actually believe it.