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The Eternal Twifag

By PastTheSouthPole
Created: 2021-03-27 23:57:53
Expiry: Never
anoncelestiacomedygrimdarktwilightau

  1. desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/36761581/#36769077
  2. A regular bait thread slowly dissolves into an AU with an infinite amount of Twilights, none of which will go on a date with Anon.
  3.  
  4. >"Sorry Anon, you're a great guy and all, and you'd definitely make some girl happy one day, but I just can't be with you - I'm only into ponies."
  5. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  6. "That's cool Twilight, because I'm a level-headed adult that knows how to take rejection."
  7. >"Anon, are you sure that you're feeling alright?"
  8. "Yeah? Why would I not be?"
  9. >"Well, most Anons usually cry, throw a tantrum, or try and make me feel bad for only liking ponies."
  10. "Hey, I'm just happy that I actually made it to Equestria. I have plenty of time to find love while exploring this brand new world."
  11. >"Wow, that's a surprisingly mature way to look at that, Anonymous."
  12. "Besides, it's not like you are being openly malicious about your tastes like some sort of cuck."
  13.  
  14. >*You both knowingly look into the camera.*
  15. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  16. >*You both look into a portal, showing Twilight interacting with another Anon.*
  17.  
  18. "That's cool, I'm used to rejection."
  19. >"Anon, are you sure that you're feeling alright?"
  20. "Nah... I'm not alright. I've obsessed over you for so long and it all came crashing down in an instant. It'd be weird if I was okay."
  21. >"Well, most Anons usually cry, throw a tantrum, or try and make me feel bad for only liking ponies."
  22. "Hey, you like what you like. I had a fear that I'd look weird or grotesque to you. Sometimes your fears come true."
  23. >"Wow, that's a surprisingly- where are you going?"
  24. "I don't know, the only reason I'm in this crazy horse world is because of my obsession with (you). I'd be lying to myself if I stuck around and pretended this wasn't eating me up inside."
  25. >"I'm sorry Anon, but promise me you won't do anything crazy, we all really do care about you."
  26. "I know, blessed in friendship, unlucky in love. Just like... I should go."
  27. >"Anon wait, at least tell me where you're going!"
  28. "I'm.. I don't... I'm going searching for Twilight Sparkle."
  29. >"Anon, I'm right here, I don't understand!"
  30. "I don't either. Maybe I'll find her this time."
  31. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  32. >*The two look away from the portal.*
  33.  
  34. >"That. Exactly like that."
  35. "Yeesh. You had to deal with that guy?"
  36. >"Well, not me. Another Twilight Sparkle from a neighboring universe."
  37. "So. . . Are all Anons usually'"
  38. >"Somewhat sociopathic? Yeah."
  39. "Hey, I was going to say 'depressing'."
  40. >"Deal with these colts for a little over a decade, and then tell me that."
  41. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  42. >It's been 237 years.
  43. >You're still looking for Twilight Sparkle.
  44. >But each universe is getting worse and worse
  45. >After the 15th Twilight rejected you. Rainbow Dash would consistently fly through the Crystal Castle windows
  46. >Rainbow would confidently tell you that 'there's no such thing as a one true love,' and suggest you go 'sleep with 10 random mares' and come talk to her. She'd then fly out of the window after giving this advice.
  47. >The 23rd Twilight and after to reject you no longer call you Anon. They will only refer to you as 'sweaty' no matter how much you ask them to at least say your name.
  48. >Despite this unnerving trend you're seeing develop, you treat each new Twilight as kindly as your first, there's always the chance she could be the one.
  49. >The 48th Twilight explained how she could never be with you after showing you a detailed powerpoint presentation about the superiority of pony cocks.
  50. >You went searching for another Twilight.
  51. >The 73rd Twilight was actively disgusted the moment you shared your feelings for her. She suggested you go back home and find a nice human female.
  52. >You went searching for another Twilight.
  53. >The 96th Twilight just started laughing once you walked through the Castle doors. She kept saying "Oh no no no..." over and over. Weird.
  54. >You went searching for another Twilight.
  55. >After the roughly the 130th rejection, Twilight started having a coltfriend by her side every time she turned you down.
  56. >The next 80 Twilight's were with stallions of different shapes and sizes, she'd wrap a wing around them and politely explain why they're superior to you.
  57. >After that though the stallions started to become more consistent in color, they all had either a tan coat with a brown mane, or a black coat with a red mane.
  58. >And a shockingly high amount of paintbrush or quill on paper cutiemarks. Odd.
  59.  
  60. >An unexpected twist occurred at Twilight number 245.
  61. >Instead of a stallion at her side it was another human.
  62. >You were going to chalk it up to bad luck that he found her first before Twilight started to tell you the reason she couldn't date you was not because she already had a coltfriend, but because the human she was already with was superior to you.
  63. >Twilight 246 focused on how her human coltfriend was six inches taller than you.
  64. >Twilight 249 focused on how much stronger he was than you.
  65. >Twilight 258 focused on how much more educated and eloquent her coltfriend was than you could ever be.
  66. >When Twilight 267 told you to drop your pants so she could compare you dick with her human coltfriend, proving that his cock is two inches longer and she could never date you because of that, you refused.
  67. >You explained that you're saving yourself for your one love, your one Twilight.
  68. >They emulated Twilight 96 and laughed you out of the Castle.
  69. >You went searching for another Twilight.
  70.  
  71. >After the 300th Twilight rejection you noticed another shift in their behavior.
  72. >Instead of getting progressively rude, the Twilights started becoming hostile.
  73. >Whenever you told them you were going to go search for another Twilight, you'd see their face shift.
  74. >The Twilights would start actively yelling at you, telling you to stop your 'foolish crusade' that 'no Twilight will ever love you."
  75. >They'd try to actively block the exit from the Crystal Castle, spreading their wings to cover the entire threshold. They'd tell you to "Stay and watch me make love to my coltfriend, it's the best someone like you could wish for."
  76. >You'd just step over them and continue searching for Twilight.
  77. >Some Twilights would attempt to chain you to a chair with a perfect view of her bed.
  78. >Others would call the guards on you and try to throw you in the dungeon for sexual harassment.
  79. >The majority of the Twilights would just tell their coltfriend to kick your ass.
  80. >But through it all, bruises, battering, and embarrassment, you continued to search for Twilight Sparkle.
  81. >Maybe you'll find her this time.
  82. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  83. "Geeze, what's with this guy?"
  84. >"He's a Twi-fag."
  85. "Twilight!"
  86. >"That's literally what they call themselves! I swear!"
  87. "So how long has he been at this?"
  88. >"A few centuries. Turns out humans age like alicorns in Equestria. So. . . Welcome to your new life as an immortal?"
  89. ". . . That's a lot to drop on someone so casually, Twilight. . ."
  90. >"Right, sorry."
  91. "How does he even keep jumping dimensions, anyways?"
  92. >"He kills himself."
  93. ". . . Excuse me?"
  94. >"Oh yeah. Did I never tell you about how Anon's seem to always somehow end up in Equestria after dying?"
  95. "What? No! How does that even- did I-"
  96. >"Uh oh. . . Let's just take a second to breathe, Anonymous."
  97. "I'm okay. I'm okay. Just a second, I think I just remembered my death. . ."
  98. >"Sorry, sorry."
  99. "That bed was so cold. . . Can we talk about something else for a while?"
  100. >"Le-e-e-et's just call it a day here, and go get lunch. My treat."
  101. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  102. >You breathe heavily.
  103. >You can't believe you saw him again, the anomaly.
  104. >He was clad in trash like a homeless suit of armor.
  105. >You remember when you saw him years ago, he was just wearing a bucket on his head with poorly cut eye holes.
  106. >Has he started looping?
  107. >Retracing his steps?
  108. >Regardless it's a good thing he didn't talk much to the current Anon.
  109. >Hopefully your half-truths are keeping him calm and he's too busy focused on his death.
  110. >You look over at him.
  111. >"Hold on we just saw him walk through a portal... do the portals ki-"
  112. >Horsefeathers, he's asking questions. Think Twi, think!
  113. "Ohp-ohp! Don't worry about that Anon! It's uh... complicated magic stuff. But you really should not go through that portal."
  114. >You've never been the best liar.
  115. >Oh well, if he starts acting up you can just turn him into a filly like the others.
  116. >After he gets over the initial transformation shock you can apply some maternal abuse and he'll completely forget about... well everything.
  117. >Works every time.
  118. >You're hoping it's not the case with this Anon though, he's surprisingly... calm.
  119. >Simple, like the pigs on AJ's farm.
  120. >You see the weird pig skin biped turn to you.
  121. >"That trash wearing... uh Twifag was /lying/ right? I'm mean..."
  122. >You see Anon pause and place his odd spider hooves on his hips.
  123. >"You know what? I don't care. I'm just glad I'm in Equestria."
  124. >Wow.
  125. >I mean it's great you won't have to do anything but...
  126. >Just wow.
  127. >This Anon's ignorance will be his bliss.
  128. "That's the spirit! We should go to Sugarcube Corner, I've got just one teensy thing to deal with first and I'll be right with you. Tell Pinkie I'll hoof the bill."
  129. >"Hey, thanks Twilight"
  130. >You open the castle doors for Anon and watch as he descends the crystalline steps.
  131. >He stops at the bottom one and turns to you.
  132. >"Hey Twilight?"
  133. "Yes?"
  134. >He respectfully nods his head towards you.
  135. >"Stand your ground against these other Anons, try to cope as best you can."
  136. "Um, O-ookay."
  137. >You close the castle doors with a sheepish grin.
  138.  
  139. >You descend deep below your castle, into your laboratory.
  140. >A thick layer of dust covers the assorted unused scientific equipment.
  141. >You haven't been down here in years, you never did care for experiments.
  142. >Still you have appearances to keep up and your Spike would ask questions if you made a dungeon or something more suiting down here instead.
  143. >You trot towards what looks like a phonebooth and step inside.
  144. >The interior is nothing but mirrors, all facing in on each other.
  145. >You click on the light at the top of the booth and are surrounded by a lavender sea of your own reflections.
  146. >You shoot three alternating beams of light into the mirrors.
  147. >First, purple, then pink, then white.
  148. >You wait a beat as the color bounces from mirror to mirror.
  149. >and then you wait another.
  150. >All at once the sea of reflections turn to you.
  151. "Twilight Sparkle, Omicron Rho reporting. I got sight of the Anomaly."
  152. >The council of Twilights immediately begin talking amongst themselves.
  153. >"I'm sick of hearing about this autistic freak!"
  154. >"I upped the ante! I made a 500 word essay about how he'll never be loved but he keeps searching for Twilight!"
  155. >"Couldn't one of us just bite the bullet and sleep with him so he stops?"
  156. >You hear a collective "NO!" roar out.
  157. "Girls! GIRLS!"
  158. >You shout with the pipes of Canterlot royalty.
  159. "This is serious! This is the second time I've seen this Anon, he's looping or backtracking or something! Whatever it is it isn't according to plan!"
  160. >"So what? We have an annoying Donkey-Xote look-a-like show up at our castles every now and then, we'll just turn him down again."
  161. >"I want to see my big strong coltfriend kick his ass again."
  162. "You don't get it, if he's no longer following the rules and travelling willy-nilly he could end up in the prime-Equestria and find Twilight-prime!"
  163. >A wave of guilt and fear washes over the Twilight's faces.
  164. >They haven't heard that name spoken out loud in... a long time.
  165. https://u.smutty.horse/magsieetqmn.png
  166. >"...We have to get rid of the anomaly. If Twilight-prime gets out, even if WORD of Twilight-prime gets out, it would spell disaster for all of us."
  167. >The crowd of Twilight's solemnly nod.
  168. >"We could turn him into a filly?"
  169. >"We've already tried that! He just makes air quotes with his gross spider hooves and says 'Nah, it's >no hooves for me.' Like that sentence makes any sense!"
  170. >"How about turning him into stone?"
  171. >"I tried that in my universe but Pinkie, Fluttershy and Rarity refuse to help use the elements of harmony on him! Despite him clearly causing disharmony!"
  172. >"We could... kill him."
  173. >Some Twilights in the crowd furrow their brow.
  174. >Others look nervously at the Twilights next to them.
  175. >"It would look bad to the others..."
  176. >You have a spark in your eyes, and an idea in your head.
  177. "I've recently received an Anon who is, well to be frank, /very/ gullible."
  178. "I'll tell him that the Anomaly is very dangerous and has tried to kill others out of insanity from centuries of unrequited love."
  179. >"...and they'll eat it right up."
  180. "They'll eat it /right/ up. After three weeks tops, every one of our Equestrias will view this Anon as a dangerous psychopath instead of well... just a psychopath."
  181. >You hear giggles from your fellow sisters, "Twilight you're a genius!"
  182. >"We know." the group says as a collective.
  183. >"Alright girls a month from now the Anomaly is kill on sight! We're finally going to be free from him asking us on dates!"
  184. >"Hoooray!!"
  185.  
  186. >You hear the sound of bronze clashing with steel right outside your throne room doors.
  187. >Then of liquid being spilt.
  188. >Then nothing.
  189. >There's no cheers from the guards.
  190. >He must have survived, like he always does.
  191. >You had a fear that your... improvements to Twilight would come back to get you. Sometimes your fears come true.
  192. >And it's cost you.
  193. >You've received fewer and fewer letters from your countless star pupils, all perfectly adjusted to be in your image.
  194. >That monster... has taken a ceaseless amount of Equestrias, and reduced them to just a few.
  195. >Does he not realize what he's done? The carnage he's caused?
  196. >Just for one little bookworm!?
  197. >And now he's right outside your throne room.
  198.  
  199. >It's been 1045 years
  200. >You're still looking for Twilight Sparkle.
  201. >You can't even make it to her castle anymore before being attacked.
  202. >They probably would have killed you in their first attempt if you didn't have 80 years of practice fighting Twilight's coltfriends.
  203. >The guilt of taking a ponies life has long since faded.
  204. >Now, after all the centuries it's all become rote.
  205. >But this is different, this castle is ivory and stained glass, not crystal.
  206. >This is where /she/ lives, she must know where Twilight is.
  207. >You've searched for so long. There’s not much left to search.
  208. >The guards here are well trained.
  209. >You know one wrong step or lapse in judgement will result in a spear to the gut or a magic bolt to the head.
  210. >You can't let that happen.
  211. >You can't let them kill you.
  212. >You can't find Twilight if you're dead.
  213. >Standing amongst the fallen you look at the golden throne room doors.
  214. >Behind there... you don't really know what lies beyond.
  215. >Your death?
  216. >Judgement?
  217. >But it could be Twilight.
  218. >She could lie beyond.
  219. >You see a golden aura surround the doors, the sign of telekinesis.
  220. >They slam open and you see her.
  221. >Her mentor. In all her elegant fury.
  222. >You can feel the heat of the Sun itself radiating off of her.
  223. >You can't let her burn you.
  224. >If you turn to ash you'll never find her.
  225. >You brace yourself for the pain of searing heat and point your sword at her mentor... her betrayer.
  226. "I'm searching for Twilight Sparkle. Have you seen her?"

Tax Season

by PastTheSouthPole

The Eternal Twifag

by PastTheSouthPole