FOEGYG


                                            >You answer the timely knock on the door with what you call "the swing and stare."

                                            "Now what."

                                            >With shaking hooves, Fluttershy adjusts her notecards nervously underneath your searing gaze.

                                            >Calming herself with a deep breath, she begins reciting word for word off the cards, pausing slightly as she flips between them.

                                            >"As a whole, the shift of focus from the environment the players are exploring to the players themselves and their capabilities marks the death of D&D as it was originally made to be played. It's even in the name: it's DUNGEONS and DRAGONS, not Conan and the Gray Mouser. Once exploration is no longer the main pivot around which the campaign swings, the game immediately falls apart mechanically. Which it should! The entire system is designed to reward exploration within the dungeon master's mi-... mil-...

                                            >Abashedly, Fluttershy hands you one of the cards and points to a word with a quivering hoof.

                                            "Milieu."

                                            >"W-within the dungeon master's mill-oo and it's no surprise that once combat and character development is given the driver's seat that the games devolve into boring slugfests. Combat was abstracted for a reason dam-... darn it! And don't get me started on skill checks—"

                                            "Alright, I think I get it Fluttershy. You've convinced me."

                                            >"Wha-! Really!?"

                                            "You seem to really know your stuff."

                                            >You give an exasperated look down the to notecards that are now limp in her hooves.

                                            "If you can answer this question, I'll go ahead and mount you right now on my porch. Deal?"

                                            >"Wow!! O-of course Anon, I'm a real... grog... nard?"

                                            "Right. Okay, so player one, who is currently wielding a dagger (speed factor of two), is an eighth level fighter and as such gets to attack three times every two rounds. Player two, also an eighth level fighter, is wielding an awl pike (speed factor 13), while player three, who is standing adjacent to player two, is using a dagger but is only a fifth level fighter. Assuming all players are moving at max speed (twelve inches) and that player one begins a charge at sixty feet away from the other two players, of which player two is setting his pike to receive a charge and player three opting to attack any who near him, give all attacks and the order they occur in if a) player one wins initiative, b) players two and three win initiative, and c) if simultaneous combat occurs. Solve using PHB and DMG RAW only.

                                            >"Uh..."

                                            >Fluttershy, who had adopted a growing look of bewilderment and terror, blushes and scuffs your porch floor with her hoof bashfully.

                                            >"L-let me go ask Spike..."

                                            "I KNEW IT!"

                                            >You slam your door and return to your cereal, vowing to "correct" Spike's actions next session.


                                            >You've got it pretty good, you've got to admit it.

                                            >A fully stocked library to read out of whenever you like, wicked sick dragon powers, an alien best bud to play your favorite games with, and a SMOKING hot adoptive sister who walks around your house naked all day.

                                            >Not to mention that she invites over her equally attractive and equally naked friends to have sleepovers like once a week.

                                            >All good things come with a price though.

                                            >Every single one of the mares treat you like a baby.

                                            >And you currently have a pony wailing despondently on your doorstep.

                                            "Fluttershy calm down, it can't be that bad."

                                            >"Spike, h-.. heee...."

                                            >The yellow quadruped in front of you can barely choke out a word without breaking into a fresh batch of sobs.

                                            >You pinch the bridge of your scaled nose with your diminutive claws, waiting for what has now become a daily occurrence to be over.

                                            >"H-he asked m-mee about in-initiative agaaaain..."

                                            "Fluttershy..."

                                            >Despite your best efforts, you fail to hold in your exasperated sigh.

                                            "We went over initiative three times already, the rules are incredibly simple and precise."

                                            >"B-b-but I c-can't remember any of th-thaaat."

                                            "Well then Anon will never believe you're actually a fan of the game. Did you memorize the lines I gave you?"

                                            >Fluttershy's cries briefly wane as she covers her face in her mane.

                                            >"I... I just r-read off the cards..."

                                            >You decide it'll be better for your sanity to ignore that.

                                            "Did you get to the part about player skill being a core tenet of the game and that the introduction of skill checks only serves to encroach upon it by providing the option of players relying on dice rather than wit?"

                                            >"N-no, he j-just interrup-"

                                            "How about the part where you go into length regarding the importance of encumbrance in a resource management game (because that's what it is) and how its gradual phasing out of play is reflective of the mental capacities and attention span of players of the game as a whole."

                                            >"Well n-no, I didn't even-"

                                            "Holy crabapples Fluttershy, tell me you at least got to use the "to tell how odd things struck odd people is to have an oddity too much" quote in reference to how roleplaying should be kept to a minimum so to maximize dungeon delving and logical decision making?"

                                            >A new wave of sobs wracks Fluttershy's yellow body, and she covers her head in her hooves.

                                            >"Heee w-w-wouldn't even let meee t-talk about h-how combat is a f-failstate..."

                                            >You scratch your chin, absentmindedly speaking to yourself more than anything.

                                            "Then that means you didn't even get to the comparison of linear versus exponential progression across varying classes and how it ultimately promotes a healthy early, mid, and late game environment while still providing challenges to all involved. He really must have cut you off right when you started."

                                            >A realization hits you, and you pound a scaled fist into your open palm.

                                            "He didn't get to hear about how thief skills are intended to be supernatural and that the implication otherwise is to encroach on the basic capabilities of every other class! The nerve!"

                                            >You quickly run back into the treehouse, shouting to the inconsolable pony behind you.

                                            "Wait right there! I've got something he won't be able to resist!"

                                            >In short manner you find the object of your search and return to where an admittedly wet Fluttershy has you fixed with a hopeful stare.

                                            "Here. This oughta change his tune."

                                            >You hand over a small paperback book to the pony, who gently takes it with shaking hooves.

                                            >"T-The Caverns of... Thracia?"

                                            "Just show up and ask him to run this dungeon for you. Tell him you've never played it but heard it was the pinnacle of traditional dungeon design and that its open-ended floor plan both encourages and rewards clever players and unorthodox attack vectors. Say something about how you heard the author pioneered the concept of truly non-linear, interconnected dungeons that promote exploration while still refraining from being a complete sprawl."

                                            >"W-wow... and after that he'll want to be m-my special somepony?"

                                            "You'll have to pry him off you."

                                            >"Oh goodness! T-thank you so much Spike! I'll go try it right now!"

                                            >As Fluttershy turns to run off in Anon's direction, you clear your throat expectantly.

                                            >"Oh... right. Once I'm done I'll make sure to tell Twilight about how dragon ejaculate can make you read faster."

                                            "Go gettem tiger."