Natural Thespian


                                            >Wondering why these ponies never decide to engage you anywhere outside your house, you grumble and open your front door.

                                            >"Darling! Splendid to see you, how are things?"

                                            >The ever-fabulous Rarity stands atop your stoop, her coat and mane looking exceedingly pristine today. Not that you care.

                                            "Great. Things are great."

                                            >Rarity allows a second to pass. Sensing no further elaboration on your half, she politely continues.

                                            >"Oh that's simply fantastic darling! I myself was just out for a morning stroll and happened upon your house by chance. The odds! Say, Anonymous, would you mind answering a question for me while I have you here?"

                                            >You mournfully look behind you to the depths of your house where your whodunnit book lays splayed facedown upon your desk, a chapter away from completion.

                                            "Go for it."

                                            >"We've known each other for a while now, haven't we?"

                                            >She stares up expectantly, batting her eyelashes.

                                            >You knead your aching brow, your attention still wholly engrossed on the outcome of your novel.

                                            "Just get to the point Rares."

                                            >"Well, without being too forward, would you say we share a sort of... close rapport?"

                                            "We're friends, yes."

                                            >She takes a step closer, smiling as if she knows a nasty secret.

                                            >"You're known for pursuing relationships with mares, correct?"

                                            >You eye her warily, uneasy with her confidence and the conversation's direction.

                                            "With the alternatives being colts, I guess I would have to say yes? Where is th-"

                                            >"So there's a possibility for us to engage as more than friends."

                                            >Glaring at her interruption, you fold your arms.

                                            "What do you want."

                                            >"Ohoho darling, today is not at all about what -I- want. In fact," she glances behind her towards the unannounced mare slowly trotting along your sidewalk, "I'll be allowing her the center stage."

                                            "Oh. Great."

                                            >Choosing to ignore the ominous foreshadowing from Rarity, you focus on the yellow mare making her way up the street to where you and your stoop-mate stand.

                                            >Rarity strikes a dramatic pose, speaking in an overly-theatrical tone.

                                            >"There she is, that fiend! Oh, how I despise that mare! Every ounce of my being is at odds with her, my soul burns at the thought of her encroaching on the things I enjoy! How I wish-"

                                            "Rarity."

                                            >Wholly confused with the proceedings, you squint closely at the approaching mare, unable to find any irregularities.

                                            "That's Fluttershy. You're best friends with her."

                                            >"Hey!"

                                            >The unicorn on your stoop practically barks at you, her face contorting into an uncharacteristically ugly scowl.

                                            >"You will -not- ruin today for me. Understand?"

                                            >Her horn glows and you feel an invisible sharpness press itself dangerously against the artery behind your knee.

                                            >Acquiescing with bulging eyes, you slowly raise your hands in surrender.

                                            "S-sounds good..."

                                            >The part of you not panicking at the prospect of unicorn-induced exsanguination registers that you may not figure out how your mystery novel finishes today, a thought that brings a heavy sigh with it.

                                            >"Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me..."

                                            >Rarity, her eerie smile returning, clops down your porch steps and sits her plush behind atop your lawn. With a casual wink and shake of her head, the pressure on your knee-pit fades.

                                            >Turning to Fluttershy who has just begun her trek through your yard, Rarity switches back to her thespian voice.

                                            >"Fluttershy!?! What are -YOU- doing here!"

                                            >The shy pegasus looks to you briefly, blushing, before locking eyes with your gravel path that you work very hard to maintain, thank you very much.

                                            >"I'm here t-to... to uhm..."

                                            >The remainder of her sentence exits as an entirely undecipherable mumble. She fidgets, a movement you're familiar enough with to recognize as her struggling not to hide behind her mane.

                                            >Rarity rolls her eyes and continues unabated.

                                            >"You're here to profess your undying love to Anonymous?! But Fluttershy, you know full well of my own passions for him! How could you do such a thing!"

                                            >Fluttershy stands frozen halfway to your porch, any capacity for speech having escaped her.

                                            >You wait jointly with Rarity, whose patience is visibly slipping, for any action on the yellow mare's behalf. None comes.

                                            >Rarity grumbles and flicks her horn in Fluttershy's direction. A loud, meaty swat echoes through your yard, followed closely by a half-bray, half-yelp from the afflicted.

                                            >Fluttershy is spurred to motion and she trots the gravel up to your porch, avoiding eye-contact with anything but the path in front of her.

                                            >Her eyes having developed an unpleasant fire to them, Rarity clears her throat.

                                            >"A-hem. I said..."

                                            >"Y-yes, sorry Rarity... Uhm. A-Anon I l-love you and... and we should do it here on your porch. Please. My passion b-burns so bright that I d-don't even care if we have an audience."

                                            >You arch an eyebrow at the unusually eloquent pony. Rarity however, swoons.

                                            >"Ooooh a tragedy! What a foul turn of events, to have my rival profess to the very one I pine for! But wait... There remains a spark of hope! Perhaps, against the odds, my soulmate will turn the obviously alpha, superior mare aside and leap into my arms, that at last we can be united! Oh joyous moment, that I might best my hated better on the battlefield of love!"

                                            >Two sets of expectant eyes lock on to you.

                                            "Uh... I don't r-really want t-"

                                            >A glittering blue dagger flashes into existence beneath your chin, its point depressing the skin of your neck.

                                            >"I can only -hope- that our mutual lover thinks CAREFULLY about his decision, Fluttershy. I would hate for either of us to be graced with half-hearted passion."

                                            >"Rarity p-please, you said you w-wouldn't..."

                                            >You briefly consider screaming for help, but a moment of logic dispels the thought. This is already a bad end.

                                            "Whoops! Haha, I f-forgot. My passion lays with... uh..."

                                            >You lock eyes with Rarity and slowly raise your hand to point at her.

                                            >She glares evilly, and the dagger digs deeper into your neck.

                                            "WITHFLUTTERSHYWITHFLUTTERSHY"

                                            >Stumbling over your words, you spin to gesture at Fluttershy. She frowns at Rarity, and the knife's pressure lessens.

                                            >"Y-you said he would do it on his own-"

                                            >Rarity interrupts her with a piteous howl and falls to the ground, her body shuddering with mock-sobs.

                                            >"Tragic day! My heart's desire has chosen another mare... I'm ruined! To be cast aside in favor of my bitter rival no less, truly there is no greater pain! Such pure torture..."

                                            >She looks up from her moaning, her dry eyes flicking between the two of you.

                                            >"And that you've decided to consummate your relationship in front of me hurts even more! My heart should burst from this psychological torment!"

                                            >Noting your inaction, Rarity wags a hoof in your direction.

                                            "Oh. Uh. Hey Fluttershy, let's uh. Let's do that thing that couples do and just hug it out. That sounds like a thing that all couples do when they just get into a relationship because they are not comfortable yet with their partner to commit to anything more physical."

                                            >Rarity screams from across the lawn, a hoof snaked between her thighs.

                                            >"JUST RUT HER ALREADY!"

                                            >Heavy color blushes Fluttershy's muzzle, and she turns to present her backside to you.

                                            >"Uhm, sorry Anon but... I g-guess we have to do what she says..."

                                            >Her tail hikes to reveal the glistening privates underneath.

                                            >You glance again at the blue blade still hovering about your throat.

                                            >Well. You can't find out how that book ends if you're dead.

                                            >With that singular scrap of consolation, you slide your pants off.