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You Are Invited to Tea, Captain

By PonyAfloat
Created: 2022-05-30 18:24:06
Updated: 2023-05-21 19:24:57
Expiry: Never
celestialunansfwmane 6star trektng

  1. I wrote the following to keep a Trek-Pony thread alive on /mlp/. Updated 01 Oct. 2022.
  2.  
  3. On the bridge of the Enterprise:
  4. >"If I may be so bold, Captian, very little is known about this planet or the inhabitants, except that it had last been visited by the USS Enterprise commanded by CAPT Kirk. Though it is class M, the lack of data in the Federation Records would suggest a cautious approach." says Data with zero emotion whatsoever.
  5. "Your proposal then, Mr. Data?"
  6. >"Captain, I suggest we conduct a long range scan of the surface and subsurface to gather more information before sending an away team. If the inhabitants possess capabilities comparable to our technology, our sensors may reveal it."
  7. "Very well, Mr. Data. Make it so. And while your're at it, acquire more information regarding the solar and lunar anomalies of this system that you mentioned. I shall like to have a report of your findings as soon as possible." says Picard.
  8. >Data nods, attempts a fake smile - he has been practicing emotional displays - and proceeds to the science labs, via turbo-lift, to bring the sensor arrays online and configure them to scan the unique planet's surface and subsurface.
  9. "Number One, in the meantime have our new communications and intelligence officer send a sub-space message to Starfleet Command with a request for any information they may have from records on Captain Kirk concerning this planet.
  10. >"I'll get LT Mous on it right away, sir." says CDR Riker.
  11. >LT Worf now chimes in from behind the weapon systems control console, having listened intently.
  12. > "Captain, I suggest we raise shields to 20%. That will give us some protection while masking our signature from any but the most advanced sensors. We are close to Sector X, home of the Mule'ians. They are known to be obstinate objectors to Federation presence near their territory." booms Worf in his Klingon voice.
  13. "Very well, lieutenant. Raise shields to 20%."
  14. >Picard glances at the view screen. Equestria gleams emerald and sapphire beneath them, a mysterious world with hidden historical interactions with another Federation ship long ago.
  15.  
  16. Moments later on the bridge:
  17. >"Captain! I have detected an unusual power surge in the planet's atmosphere near what appears to be a town." says a lowly Ensign at an equally lowly console.
  18. "Unusual? Specify. Be more specific!"
  19. >"A burst of spectral energy spanning the visible spectrum emanating from a central point in a really neat ring-like pattern. It cannot be explained by the optical characteristics of the atmosphere." says the Ensign, scientifically.
  20. "Are you telling me there is a rainbow propagating across the surface?" responds Picard, britishly.
  21. >"Precisely sir. Additionally, I detected a biological entity pass through the center. I think the biological entity was the source. The energy released was immense...like, a metric butt-ton of Joules."
  22. "Impossible! No biological entity could release a burst of energy that large!"
  23. >"Captain, I suggest we raise shields to 100%, warm-up weapon systems, and go to general quarters! The entity may be hostile. Shields at 100% will prevent it from getting to our hull." Worf interjected with a hint of battle-lust in his voice.
  24. >"I concur Captain, we know nothing about this world. Bringing at least the shields to maximum would not be overly cautious." opined Riker with suaveness.
  25. Picard thought a moment and itched his baldness. "No. Maintain shields at 20%. Whatever it was, it has not shown direct hostile intent and there is no evidence it is even aware of our presence. Perchance it can detect us, raising our shields may be seen as a threat."
  26. >"Sir, I would like to object. The entity is unknown and may be powerful enough to challenge us. Besides..." Worf began, but was cut off.
  27. "Duly noted Mr. Worf. My order stands." was Picard's stern reply. 'Damn bloodthirsty Klingon; always trying to start a fight!' thought the Captain.
  28. >"Aye, sir."
  29. Turning to the Ensign, Picard issued another order. "Continue your scans Ensign, and send the data for the even to the scientific lab for analysis."
  30. >"Aye, sir."
  31. "Navigation, how long until we enter orbit?"
  32. >"Two hours at this speed, sir." said the Navigator as he flipped through his charts on the display.
  33. "Very well. Proceed to orbit per the navigation plan." Picard clicked his comms badge. "Mr. Data, our sensors operator will be sending data down to the scientific lab. Please analyze it along with your work reconfiguring the sensors. Make a report when ready."
  34. >"Aye, sir."
  35.  
  36. On the bridge, now in orbit around Equestria:
  37. >Picard ponders the previous events but is at a loss. He will need to await the results of the scientific analysis. In the meantime, he issues some standard orders.
  38. "Navigation, maintain present orbit on the planet. Notify me two hours before we reach perigee. At that point we will be in optimal position for a sensor scan.
  39. >"Aye, sir!"
  40. "Ensign, maintain continuous scans of the surface if another high energy event happens I want to be notified immediately."
  41. >"Aye, sir!"
  42. >Picard was about to go to his cabin to contemplate his next move when significant news arrived.
  43. >LT Mous, the communications officer, emerges from the turbo-lift holding a tablet.
  44. >"Captain, CDR Riker." he begins.
  45. "Yes, lieutenant? What have you to report?"
  46. >"Sir, Starfleet Command has denied our request for any further information and has ordered us to immediately seal all records and data we have taken, classify them Cosmic Top Secret, and report to Star Base YRX-322-6."
  47. >Picard stares at him in disbelief. He turns to Riker.
  48. "What can possibly be so important about this world that Starfleet Command will behave in such a manner?
  49. >"It seems very suspicious captain. But it seems we have no choice, regardless of the reason."
  50. >Picard nodded. Turning to the navigator, he gives a new order.
  51. "Set a new course to YRX-322-6, warp 1, engage."
  52. >But before the navigator could carry out the order, a great jolt shook the ship, sending everyone to the floor. Sirens went off and red lights flashed.
  53. >As a good captain ought, Picard's first thoughts were defense of the ship.
  54. "LT Worf, sound general quarters! Shields up to maximum! Energize phasor banks! Engineering! Damage report! And what is the status of propulsion?
  55. >The ship was in a tumult as the crew scanned for damage and went to general quarters. Soon, a report came from Engineering.
  56. >"No damage to the hull. All systems online and hull integrity still at 100%. Whatever hit us momentarily knocked out our inertial dampers, causing a tremor in the ship, but back-up power came online as designed." said LCDR LaForge through the comms system.
  57. "Mr. Data, what are we picking up on sensors?"
  58. >"Close and long range scans clear, captain. However, I am detecting periodic electrostatic discharges moving across the hull. The pattern of discharges resembles.."
  59. "Resembles what Mr. Data?"
  60. >"Resembles the walking pattern of a quadruped."
  61. >Picard and Riker look at each other with quizzical looks.
  62. >"Data, are you saying something is walking on the outer hull of the Enterprise?"
  63. >"Possibly, sir, and emitting small electrostatic discharges as it does so. Though, sufficiently large for our detectors to register."
  64. >Picard takes in Data's report, then looks at LT Worf. On the bridge now were Riker, Worf, Mous, Picard, Data, and an ENS navigator
  65. "Seems that you were correct Mr. Worf."
  66. >"Told ya...sir." says Worf with an intense Klingon star and epic mustache.
  67. >Picard smiles dryly and then issues his orders.
  68. "Mr. Worf, go to security posture three. Station security teams throughout the ship and especially at airlocks and in the hanger bay."
  69. "Mr. Data, continue your work to scan the surface." Then Picard looks to the navigator. "Navigator, how long until perigee?
  70. >"Four hours, sir."
  71. "Right. Be ready by then for an intense scan of the surface, Data. Additionally, continue your analysis of the chromatic ring phenomenon. We will need to know as much as we can about who or what we are dealing with."
  72. >"Sir, what about the entity walking around on our hull? It's still out there." said Riker through his beard.
  73. "Yes, we cannot leave until we have cleared whatever it is off the hull. Assemble the zero-g special units. Be ready, at my command, to commence an inspection of the hull to find the entity. First we'll scan with our external cameras."
  74. >Everybody jumped into action. Worf and Riker were on comms relaying orders, and Data had hopped into the turbolift to go align the sensor arrays and do data analysis.
  75. "On screen." Picard says to the helmsman. "Pull up feeds from our external cameras. Scan our hull and move on to the next camera sequentially."
  76. >"Aye, sir"
  77. >An image of the upper saucer section comes on screen and the helmsman commences scanning and switching cameras as ordered, while the captain sits in his chair watching.
  78. >"Sir we are now at security posture three. The ship is as tight as a drum, as humans say." says the Klingon with gravitas.
  79. "Very well Mr. Worf."
  80. >But the captain is distracted and speaks to the helmsman.
  81. "There! Frame 34-27. Magnify and enhance!"
  82. >The helmsman does so. There, on the viewer is picture of an unfurled paper scroll with some scribbles on it. It has a red wax seal at the lower left with an embossed sun symbol and some gold ribbon attached. Around the scroll, written on the hull in red, is a ring of alternating hearts and omega symbols.
  83. "Mr. Mous isn't your expertise is linguistics?
  84. >"Yes, sir."
  85. "Do an analysis. See if you can decipher what that note says."
  86. >"Aye, sir" says the lieutenant as he flings himself into a chair at the linguistics console - linguistics consoles were standard issue on that class of ship, of course - and starts beeping and booping his way through an analysis.
  87. >Worf now interrupts in surprise.
  88. >"Captain! The electrostatic pulses have diverged! There are now two sets."
  89. >"Two entities perhaps? Can you localize their position?" jumps in Riker.
  90. >"Vaguely. One over engineering section, one near crew berthing 5."
  91. "Helmsman..."
  92. >"On it sir!" says the plucky helmsman as he shifts cameras. He pulls up both areas on split screen and starts scanning.
  93. >Meanwhile, LT Mous has finished his highly technical analysis using the universal translator.
  94. >"Captain, the language on the scroll appears to indicate we are invited to a tea party. There's more, sensors have picked up some residual substance on the scroll. Composition...it's frosting sir, strawberry flavor."
  95. >Riker and the captain look at each other and then the view screen. They happened to do so at the right moment.
  96. >"There! There's something moving behind the subspace communications array." says Riker
  97. >He was right. The bridge team beheld gleaming filaments of pastel pink, blue, and green fluttering gracefully, as if in the wind. What was attached to it was obscured by the array.
  98. >Just then the second image on the viewer, the one looking over the engineering section of the hull, became blurry with a dark blue image at close range.
  99. "What the devil is that?" remarked Picard. "Helmsman, can you enhance?"
  100. >"No captain. The image is too close."
  101. >The image shifted, and what looked like an aquamarine eye came into focus. It was looking into the camera at close range, as if inspecting it.
  102. >Ever eager for direct confrontation LT Worf opines "Captain, I recommend taking two zero-g combat teams externally to see what these entities are. We will approach cautiously and maintain distance.
  103. "If their intention was malevolent, surely they would have made it known by now. It may be that they are attempting contact. The scroll would seem to indicate that." the captain ponders openly. "Very well, Mr. Worf. You lead one team. Number One, you lead the other."
  104. >"Aye, sir" they say in unison and jump into action.
  105. >Just then Dr. Crusher enters the bridge...always coming up to the bridge where she doesn't belong.
  106. >"Captain, I have important information I need to discuss with you about some phenomena among the crew."
  107. "Very well. Mr. Worf, Number One. Inform me once your teams go external."
  108. >The captain and the doctor go to the captain's cabin, just to the side of the bridge, to discuss.
  109.  
  110. Cut to the captain's cabin:
  111. "What has you so worried Dr. Crusher?"
  112. >"Captain, crew members have been coming to me with reports of persistent vivid dreams."
  113. "Everyone has vivid dreams from time to time doctor. Surely, this can simply be a probabilistic phenomenon, a matter of chance that so many crew members happen to be experiencing such dreams at close proximity in time."
  114. >"I don't believe so captain. The crew members share many things in common that would counter that theory. They are all male and their dreams are all very similar."
  115. >Now the captain was intrigued.
  116. "Similar in what way?"
  117. >"Ponies, sir. They are all dreaming of cute little pastel ponies. What is curious is that these dream ponies are all doing adorable activities. Those who experience the dreams report that they are also spending considerable time awake thinking about these ponies."
  118. >Picard looked on in disbelief.
  119. "Dr. Crusher have you eliminated all other potential causes? Sleep patterns, food poisoning, perhaps a problem with the replicators?"
  120. >"I have captain. In their dreams the ponies are often beckoning them. Sometimes to tea parties, sometimes to picnics. One crew member claims a purple one is beckoning him to a library. Another claims an orange one beckons him to a farm. Still another claims a yellow one is stalking him in his dreams, but in a shy and innocent way."
  121. >She pauses for a moment before continuing.
  122. >"And there's something else. Almost all these dream ponies are mares."
  123. "Mares?"
  124. >"Yes, mares. Mares."
  125. '"Mares, mares, mares. What could it mean?" Picard asks himself.
  126. >Putting a finger to his chin, he continues after a moment.
  127. "This may be linked to the mysterious events surrounding our presence in orbit around this planet. Continue to monitor the situation Dr. Crusher. Let me know if it gets worse."
  128. >"I will captain."
  129. >Picard now shifts his attention to other matters. He taps his space-age comms badge device.
  130. "LT Worf, Number One, are your ready to commence your external sweep of the ship?"
  131. >"We are ready to proceed, captain" says LT Worf with characteristic Klingon moxie.
  132. "Very well, proceed"
  133. >'I must immediately get back on the bridge.' thinks Picard to himself.
  134. >'Then again.' he thought as he looks at Dr. Crusher. She looks right back at him, no doubt with the same thought.
  135.  
  136. Cut to ship's Airlock #2:
  137. >"LT Worf take your team to investigate the area around the subspace array. I'll take mine to investigate the engineering hull section. Try to stay out of sight of whatever is out here. Set phasors for stun." says the second in command who is referred to as Number One ironically.
  138. >"Aye, sir."
  139. > Each team makes their way across the hull through the blackness of space. They can see Equestria's unique moon and the planet itself if they look up. Space is a disorienting place.
  140. >Worf's team happens upon the scroll. LT Worf has the tech guy on his team whip out a tricorder and analyze it, and the red drawings on the hull. It makes a lot of sci-fi noises, that they didn't actually hear because they were in the vacuum of space.
  141. >"Just ordinary paper lieutenant. What's more, the heart and omega sign markings are made of frosting. Strawberry flavored."
  142. >LT Worf makes a face only a Klingon could make and radios the discovery to Riker. His team continues their space walk to the subspace array, taking the scroll with them.
  143. >Meanwhile, Riker and his team had come across a curious trail of omega symbol marks across the engineering hull section.
  144. >"They lead off in a trail that way. They look almost like hoof marks. We'll follow the trail and see what we find." opined Riker.
  145. >He radioed this and the news of the frosting from LT Worf to the captain, who responded seemingly out of breath. Riker and his team continued on their way.
  146.  
  147. Cut to the bridge:
  148. >Dr. Crusher had gone back to the ship's infirmary, where she belongs, and the captain stepped out of his cabin conspicuously straightening his uniform. If he had any hair left, it would have been a disheveled mess and he would have been straightening that too.
  149. >Data was on the bridge ready to give a report.
  150. >"Captain, we have analyzed the data from the chromatic ring event. Evidence indicates it was initiated by the emission of previously unknown sub-atomic particles emitted by the biological entity, which itself was proceeding at mach 2.2. The emission burst caused the spontaneous condensation of water vapor and light emission, resulting in rainbow rings. We are referring to these particles as friendlyons...after the name of the officer in the lab who came up with the theory, LT Friendly." the android droned on and on.
  151. "Data can you reconfigure our sensors to detect friendlyons?"
  152. >"Already in progress, sir."
  153. "Very good Mr. Data." Turning to Mr. Mous, Picard gave a new order. "Mr. Mous, send another subspace signal. We will comply with the order to rendezvous at YRX-322-6. However, we have encountered an entity that is walking about our hull. We must remove it before commencing transit."
  154. >"Aye, sir" says LT Mous as he zips into the turbolift to go to the communications compartment.
  155.  
  156. Cut to the ship's hull:
  157. >LT Worf's team had reached the subspace array and found nothing amiss. However, they likewise picked up a trail of remarkably hoof-like omega symbol tracks. Now they were cautiously following them, keeping their eyes peeled, as it were.
  158. >Soon, both teams had separately followed the tracks to just above the hanger bay, where they met up.
  159. >"Commander, everything at the subspace array is normal. We found the scroll, and the heart symbols have turned out to be strawberry frosting. Then, we followed a trail of omega marks here." says Worf
  160. >"We followed a similar trail. We..."
  161. >But he was suddenly cut off.
  162. >"Ha HA!!! There thou art!" came a voice from somewhere.
  163. >The intrepid spacemen, who had nearly jumped out of their space suits in surprise, looked around. The tactical guys were sweeping their phasor rifles.
  164. >"Oh, gentlecolts. Up here." said another sweeter sounding voice.
  165. >Spurred by the hint, a tactical guy saw them.
  166. >"Entities spotted! Taking the shot!"
  167. >"NO!" Worf raged as he knocked the tip of the rifle down.
  168. >"A red pulse was emitted and singed a part of the hull.
  169. >LT Worf's eyes bugged out in Klingon anger.
  170. >"I pity you, fool! You'll be repainting that!" says Worf pointing to the unsightly singe mark.
  171. >"If you had shot where you aimed, you could have hit the warp drive!" Worf bellowed.
  172. >Now they all looked up at the entities. They were upside down, standing on the bottom of the starboard warp drive. One was white, pink, green, and blue. The other blue,...and more darker blue.
  173. >While dramatically waiting to see what would happen next. Riker turned to LT Worf.
  174. >"Admit it, you were scared weren't you?" says the bearded man.
  175. >Worf's lips pursed and his mustache twitched.
  176. >"I was not scared! I was...preparing...for battle!"
  177. >"You were scared." insisted Riker with a smile.
  178. >But then, suddenly, the entities vanished in a burst of sparkly light. They reappeared with the same light behind the teams.
  179. >They were surprised again, and LT Worf secretly reminded himself to change his pants later.
  180. >They both stood before the teams with their hair and tails waving, as if there was a breeze, which there wasn't since they were in space. The blue one, which wore a silver crown, spoke first.
  181. >"Noble spacemen, thou mayest call me Princess Luna. Here beside me standeth my elder sister, Princess Celestia."
  182. >Then the other one spoke. She wore a gold crown.
  183. >"We are so glad you came out to meet us! We had been looking everywhere for your front door. Did you receive our invitation?" Then looking at the scroll in Worf's hand she said "Ah, I see that you have! Do you accept?"
  184. >Nobody spoke. Only Worf was not mesmerized. He looked at his teams. They were all transfixed by these pony-like entities.
  185. >"Would you excuse me while I communicate with our captain?" Worf said to the princesses.
  186. >They bowed their assent
  187. >Worf clicked his comms badge and began to report.
  188.  
  189. Cut to Picard, who was having a discussion with Data on the bridge:
  190. "So in your assessment, Data, if these entities make contact with us it will not violate the Prime Directive?"
  191. >"Correct, sir. That is because they will have contacted us instead of the other way around. Additionally, all data points to the entities having capabilities beyond our own technology. First, they can emit and utilize friendlyons, a subatomic particle we have only just discovered. Second, they are able to use them for space travel, greater than mach 2 travel, and for remote sensing. They figured out that we were in orbit and they traveled to the ship. All of this was done with no advanced technology that our sensors can pick up. It is entirely possible their advanced capabilities center entirely on the manipulations of friendlyons." said the exhaustively wordy android.
  192. "Very well, Data. We shall hope, in any case, that no contact will be required. Once the zero-g teams clear the hull, I have every intention of carrying out our orders to return to Starbase YRX-322-6. Though, I am still bothered by Starfleet being disinclined to study this world."
  193. >Data opened his mouth to say something, but got cut off, as frequently happens with him.
  194. >"Captain, this is LT Worf. Come in please." says Worf.
  195. "Go ahead Mr. Worf."
  196. >While Picard spoke with Worf, Data went to check on something in the sensor compartments.
  197. >"We have encountered the entities. There are two. They appear to be able to survive in the vacuum of space with no protective space suites and they can teleport themselves instantly. Also, they understand our language and can hear and speak to us without comms devices. They resemble what humans would call horsies. Mares, I believe." says Worf.
  198. "Mares?"
  199. >"Mares, sir."
  200. "How can you be certain Mr. Worf?"
  201. >Overhearing the conversation. Celestia and Luna turned sideways and lifted a leg each to reveal they were in fact mares.
  202. >"Sir, they do not have t...They do no have t..." Worf attempts, but his Klingon pride holds him back.
  203. >In frustration he takes an angry breath.
  204. >"They are lacking b...., b...." he stutters again.
  205. "Oh, just say it Mr. Worf!"
  206. >"They lack t-testicles, sir. They are mares. I believe that is the human word for female horsies." Worf finally blurts out.
  207. "Very well, Mr. Worf. What is it that they want?
  208. >Before LT Worf could answer, Princess Celestia gracefully (because everything she does is graceful) inserted herself into the conversation.
  209. >"Captain Picard, this is Princess Celestia. Along with my little sister, Princess Luna, We rule all of Equestria. Our invitation, it seems has not yet made it to you. It is in the hand of your delightful, Mr. Worf here".
  210. >Then in a bright and cheerful voice she gave the invitation.
  211. >"We invite you and you crew to a tea party in our capital, Canterlot! It will be truly lovely! Won't you attend?"
  212. >Picard takes a moment to look at Data for dramatic effect, then answers.
  213. "Princess Celestia, this ship has no time for such invitations. We must carry out orders and depart your world. I request that you and your sister depart the ship at once." Picard says in his by-the-book voice.
  214. >Celestia gave a good natured laugh and responded.
  215. >"Oh, captain. Surely your orders are not that pressing! I have been alive for over 2000 years and I can assure you there is no need to rush. Besides, your go-fasters are broken."
  216. "Go-fasters? To what do you refer Princess?" asks Picard, feeling apprehensive.
  217. >"BEEP! BEEP BEEP!" goes an angry red alarm at the Engineering Monitoring Console. The ENS there, flies his fingers over the console and then spins around in his chair with a dramatic look.
  218. >"Captain! Both warp drives are down! Cause unknown!"
  219. "Engineeing..."
  220. >"I know, captain. It's a catastrophic failure of both warp drives. We're down to impulse power only! Trouble shooting is in progress!" says a panicked LCDR LaForge.
  221. >"You see, captain, you actually haven't the ability to go anywhere!"
  222. >Picard feels as if someone has zoomed a camera on his face while ominous music plays, before cutting to commercial.
  223. >But there was no commercial.
  224. "Have you done this?! I demand..."
  225. >"Captain, I suggest we carry out the remainder of the conversation in person. Not having a discussion face-to-face is a tad dreadful. Wouldn't you agree?"
  226. >Picard saw no alternative. These entities had trapped his ship by means he could not understand. Perhaps, direct discussion would offer a solution.
  227. "Very well. Number One, please bring our horsey guests to the bridge."
  228. >Before the lumber yard reject could respond, Celestia cuts in once more.
  229. >"Thank you, captain! Oh, and we are ponies, alicorns to be exact, not horsies."
  230. >"We'll be there right away, sir." says Riker, having recovered his composure from earlier.
  231. >That done, Picard clicked his comms badge again.
  232. "Data come to the bridge. LaForge, I shall like a status report on the troubleshooting as soon as possible." says the flustered captain.
  233. >He received 'Aye, sirs' from both in response.
  234. >Picard did not need to wait long for the Princesses to arrive. Just after he finished speaking there was a glittery popping sound and before his eyes Worf, Riker, and the two pony princesses where there on the bridge.
  235. >Riker and Worf looked around in shock, having just been in outer space. More surprising, they were in their normal uniforms.
  236. >Suddenly, Worf's eye's opened wide and he went rigid as he remembered his oopsie from earlier. Pretending to smooth out the back of his pants, he checked. The oopsie was gone! All that remained in his pants was his Klingon junk.
  237. >He looked over at the ponies. Princess Luna smiled and gave him a wink...with her eye.
  238. >He nodded in thanks.
  239. >"Where are our zero-g teams?" Riker blustered, like the boar he really was deep down inside.
  240. >Princess Luna responded, giddy with happiness.
  241. >"We have teleported them to your holodeck for a deep tissue massage and spa treatment provided by beautiful females! They seemed so tensed and surprised at seeing us we felt they needed it!" she said.
  242. >Riker had a quizzical look.
  243. >"Weren't you just speaking in middle-English a moment ago?
  244. >Luna answered excitedly.
  245. >"Certainly! I have been studying books on social interactions. Many suggest that displaying an endearing quirk upon first meeting somepony can stimulate conversation! And observe! It has worked!"
  246. >Now Picard cut in.
  247. "Yes, well princess...uh..."
  248. >"Luna."
  249. >"And I am Princess Celestia."
  250. >They both gave an elegant bow after Celestia spoke. Feeling obligated, Picard returned their bow.
  251. "Well Princess Luna, thank you for your kindness to our zero-g teams, but if you could teleport so easily, why didn't you simply teleport into the ship in the first place?" asked Picard.
  252. >Luna nearly gasped at the very thought before responding gravely.
  253. >"Why captain, that would be terribly rude. One does not enter another's house without permission. We were simply looking for your front door when your teams found us."
  254. >Then Data entered from the turbolift. He cocked his head to one side in fascination, as he frequently did, upon seeing the pony princesses.
  255. >"Captain, are these..."
  256. "Yes Data." Then looking to the princesses he said, "Princesses, will you excuse me just a moment."
  257. >They nodded sweetly.
  258. "Data, what have you to report? Are the sensors aligned?
  259. >"Yes, captain, and we are ready to commence scanning once we reach perigee. But, I am afraid I must deliver more bad news. LT Mous reports that comms are down. Troubleshooting thus far has been unsuccessful. We have not been able to report our status to Starfleet Command. Techs are continuing to work on the problem."
  260. >Picard did that thing where you hold your elbow with your palm and pinch the bridge of your nose with the thumb and fore-finger of your other hand.
  261. "Very well, Data." Turning to the princesses, he said, "It seems we have much to discuss. Won't you join my officers and I in the conference room?" said Picard gesturing to a door on the bridge.
  262. >"We'd be delighted, captain!" they said in unison.
  263. >But then as they were about to go, Celestia remembered something.
  264. >"Oh! I had nearly forgotten! We brought cake for you and your crew."
  265. >With shiny light from her horn, Celestia summoned forth a multitude of elaborate and clearly delicious cakes. They covered all the consoles, chairs, arm rests, and other horizontal surfaces."
  266. >"They're strawberry flavored!" said Luna gleefully.
  267. >"Yes, well most of them!" said Celestia, smiling at her eager sister.
  268. >Then Luna made an arcing gesture with her fore hoof and spoke in her Canterlot voice
  269. >"And behold! I have brought donuts!"
  270. >With flash of her horn the bridge filled with pretty little wooden tables with silver trays loaded with any kind of donut you could think of.
  271. >"They're such lovely mares!" said Riker silently to himself with a goofy smile.
  272. >Worf overheard him and looked at Riker suspiciously.
  273. >But Riker was not the only one. As the officers and princesses went into the conference room, the rest of the bridge team began whispering to each other, though the whispering went unheard by the officers.
  274. >"Such beautiful mares! Mares!"
  275. >"Imagine touching them! Imagine the feel! Mares!
  276. >"Mares. Amre! No, imagine the smell!"
  277. >"So fluffy! Fluffy mares! Pretty mares!
  278.  
  279. Cut to Engineering:
  280. >In the main engineering compartment hordes of nameless and expendable yellow-shirts were frantically operating consoles, speaking techno-babble, and waving around instruments with randomly flashing lights in their troubleshooting efforts.
  281. >LCDR LaForge was ordering his engineering lemmings around
  282. >"You! Go check the holoman space-time flux transducers. Make sure they're still fluxing!"
  283. >"Aye, sir!"
  284. >"You! Go realign and recouple the opto-positronic liquid decouplers!"
  285. >"Aye, sir!"
  286. >"You! Go turn the magnetic neutrino inverters right side up!"
  287. >"Aye, sir!"
  288. >"You. Go drain and refill the gassy plasma tanks!"
  289. >"Aye, sir!"
  290. >"And YOU! Make coffee, extra strong."
  291. >"Aye, sir!"
  292. >His engineering gnomes unleashed, LaForge turned his attention to the central monitoring console to scratch his head and ponder the readings.
  293. >He turned just in time to see a random spaceman set a box of something down on the table.
  294. >"What's that?" asks the techno-cyclops, probably hoping it was the long-awaited repair parts he ordered from the Supply Department 7 months ago.
  295. >"Donuts, sir! They're really good. You should try the lemon custard!"
  296. >Damned Supply Department! When were they going to get him those parts?!
  297. >"Donuts? From where?" asks LaForge in his Reading Rainbow voice.
  298. >"Mares." says the spaceman with a shrug before simply walking away.
  299. >LaForge ponders this with his galaxy brain but is interrupted by a ventilation diffuser crashing down on the table.
  300. >LaForge snaps his head up.
  301. >"The hell you doing?" he barks.
  302. >"Sorry, sir. I was trying to get your attention but this diffuser was in the way, you see." says an upside down engineering gnome poking his head out of a ventilation duct.
  303. >"Dummy! That's why we have comms badges!" says LaForge.
  304. >Warp drive techs weren't what they used to be. There had been budget cuts at Starfleet enlisted technical schools.
  305. >"Anyway, I think you had better take a look at this, sir. I mean up here in the primary power conduit, like, where I am." says the scatter brain.
  306. >"On my way!" says LaForge as he grabs two donuts and heads up a ladder into the primary power conduit crawl space.
  307. >He crawls around like an infernal rat, with the donuts, through a labyrinth of tunnels before meeting up with the engineering gnome.
  308. >Once he saw his esteemed chief engineer, the gnome started pointing and explaining.
  309. >"I found these trans-warp bubble emission restrictors torn out and smashed to pieces along with their control circuitry" says the gnome.
  310. >Looking at the wreckage. LaForge's brow furrowed into something like the Grand Canyon in shock.
  311. >"Fuck! Without these, the warp field will not adequately bubble-ize due to destabilized fluctuations in tachyon particle currents through the field!"
  312. >LaForge shakes his head and comms the supply department.
  313. >"Supply Department. We get you what you need. How may I help you?" said a syrupy voice.
  314. >"This is the chief engineer. I need five trans-warp bubble emission restrictors."
  315. >"One moment, sir!" sang the voice.
  316. >Shostakovich's Waltz No. 2 plays in the background as hold music. 'Good music choice actually' thinks LaForge.
  317. >"Sorry, sir. None in onboard supply. They're backordered. Five months wait time." says supply. Then the voice added, "let me place you on hold one more time, sir."
  318. >LaForge did not try to answer, for he had held up two clenched fists, raised his eyes to the ceiling, gritted his teeth, and was shaking with fury. He was probably cursing the universe itself, in addition to supply department. Waltz No. 2 continued to play in the background.
  319. >"Sir?"
  320. >Letting out a breath, LaForge simply clicked off his comms badge. No point.
  321. >"Sir, sorry to say, but there's more" said the yellow-shirt with a compassionate look.
  322. >LaForge sighed.
  323. >"Show me." he said with resignation.
  324. >The tech took him around the corner and simply gestured to a scene of chaos; panels removed, torn out and smashed circuitry, a mess of cut-up wires and wave-guides, and scattered nuts and bolts everywhere.
  325. >LaForge was speechless.
  326. >"Who would do this, and why?" says Reading Rainbow dramatically.
  327. >"I don't know, sir. But they left their calling card." said the tech pointing to dozens of hand drawn pictures on the wall.
  328. >"They appear to be drawn with crayon, sir."
  329. >LaForge adjusts his visor and says, "They look like horsies...or, ponies!"
  330. >Nonplussed, LaForge sits down cross-legged and hands a donut to the tech, who likewise sits down.
  331. >They begin to eat the donuts and look at the pictures.
  332. >"This is a really great donut, sir! Where did it come from?
  333. >"Mares, apparently." says LaForge with irony.
  334. >"Mares? Well, it tastes fresh baked, not like that replicator trash."
  335. >"Yeah, fuck that shit!" agrees LaForge with great emphasis.
  336. >Then after a pause LaForge speaks again.
  337. >"You know, I really like that one. The yellow one is booping the nose of the blue one. That's cute!" says LaForge warmly.
  338. >"Yeah! I like that one over there. What makes that pony so smug?" asks the gnome.
  339. >"Don't know. Maybe she's the best at practical jokes." suggested the cyclops.
  340. >"I could see that. Or, maybe she has a secret stash of gum drops"
  341. >LaForge pointed his finger at the engineering gnome, his hand still full of donut.
  342. >"That's it!" he says with raised eyebrows.
  343. >They admire the pony cave drawings a little more and then finish their donuts.
  344. >LaForge shook his head and wondered what just happened. he felt as if he had suddenly awoken from a dream. He resolved to go to medical at some point.
  345. >"I better go report this to the captain. You gather up the parts. Maybe we can repair some of it." says LaForge getting up.
  346. "Aye, sir." says the yellow-shirt as he admires a crayon representation of 'Washington Crossing The Delaware', except with ponies.
  347.  
  348. Cut to the conference room:
  349. >>Riker, Worf, Data, and the two princesses were already sitting at the table. Picard was standing at the replicator, because he couldn't do a damn thing without his tea.
  350. "Earl Gray, hot."
  351. >"Bizzzjjjjjjhhhhh" went the infernal device.
  352. "Would anybody else like something?" asked Picard.
  353. >"Hot cocoa, please!" requested Luna, with hooves on the table.
  354. >"With marshmallows would be delightful, captain." said Celestia, to an eager nod from her sister.
  355. >Everyone else shook their head. So, Picard made the hot cocoa and passed it to the royal sisters.
  356. "Now what is the meaning of you disabling my ship? Our warp drives are offline and I have no communications. It is now impossible for me to leave your star system. Was this part of your plan? You should know that this is a sovereign vessel of the Federation of Planets." the stuffy captain lectured.
  357. >"Captain! Such accusations! We did not break your go-fasters. We only noticed that they were broken. We magically felt there would be a sudden increase in unhappiness associated with them and inferred that they would break." explained Celestia, a little hurt.
  358. "Nevertheless, you knew. Also, you knew how to operate our holodecks. You have obviously studied out systems, possibly to find our weaknesses and exploit them. Additionally, you can speak our language with no difficulty whatsoever." says the paranoid commanding officer.
  359. >"Now, captain. We have done none of that. We are mildly aware of your systems due to previous encounters and used a bit of intuition. You are not the only humans we have met after all." said Celestia with grace and tact.
  360. "Are you referring to Captain Kirk, also of the starship Enterprise? Our records only show that he visited the surface of Equestria, but that was more than a hundred years ago."
  361. >"Verily yes! Captain Kirk was a very..." here Princess Luna twirled her hoof in the air, "...vigorous and energetic man."
  362. >Bot sisters momentarily looked at each other and giggled.
  363. >Then Luna continued.
  364. >"Nevertheless, your records are inadequate. It was a large percentage of his crew that visited the surface, including Mr. Spock! We had a wonderful tea party and athletic competition."
  365. >"An athletic competition?" Worf jumped in excitedly, ever interested in events where physical prowess could be demonstrated.
  366. >"Yes Mr. Worf. The men of the Enterprise demonstrated great feats of strength. Kirk won the push-up competition, Spock won at sit-ups, and Scotty won Earth Pony mud wrestling." explained Celestia.
  367. >Then with a mischievous look, she added, "The male of your species is very strong actually. Such impressive endurance too!"
  368. >"And the wearing of loin cloths was my idea!" said Luna with a twinkle in her eye.
  369. >"What do you mean loin cloths?" asked Number One, ever enthusiastic about events that involved wearing loin cloths.
  370. >"Well it was a compromise. You see, ponies normally don't wear clothes. So, during the competition it would have been fair for the men to wear nothing at all, but they did not want to be fully naked. Hence, my little sister came up with the brilliant idea for them to wear loin cloths." said Celestia as naturally as can be.
  371. >"Yes, everypony was very happy...about the loin cloths." added Luna with air of accomplishment.
  372. >Now Data could not withhold his curiosity, even though he actually could since he was an android.
  373. >"You mentioned Earth Ponies. Surely you do not mean ponies from planet earth." said the non-cyborg.
  374. >"No, Mr. Data. It is a type of pony for which there is no direct translation. We use 'Earth Pony' as an approximation. Actually, there are three classes of ponies on Equestria, Earth Ponies being just one of them. You'll see when you visit!" said the extremely beautiful Celestia, on whom Riker's eyes were fixed continually.
  375. >"By the way Mr. Data, you remind me of Mr. Spock. Only, your skin is much more pasty and your ears are not as cute." opined Luna.
  376. >The self-conscious android looked confused and reached up to wiggle his ears with his fingers, much to the amusement of the sisters.
  377. >But it was not to the amusement of Picard.
  378. "Now see here, there will be no visiting of Equestria for anybody on this ship's crew. We will not be manipulated into going to the surface by any of your tricks! We appreciate your visit and kindness, but you must leave. Now." said the captain, who had been tricked one too many times by crafty aliens.
  379. >Riker looked terribly dejected at this. He was looking forward to pony mud wrestling.
  380. >"No tricks captain. Just a pleasant tea party. We promise it will be worth your while! Perhaps think it over?" Celestia said.
  381. >Then Luna excitedly whispered in her ear.
  382. >"Oh yes, may we please have a tour of your lovely Cosmic Palace"? asked the ever radiant Celestia.
  383. >"Yes! Pretty please?!" said Luna as she clapped her fore hooves together.
  384. >Picard rolled his eyes and tapped the table with his fingers. In a moment of weakness he could not resist the absolute power of their cuteness.
  385. "Oh very well. Mr. Worf, please give our guests a tour of the ship, but no confidential compartments."
  386. >LT Worf felt beaming pride. He loved giving tours. Before joining Starfleet, he had done a short stint as a tour guide at Yosemite on earth. The Enterprise crew was all too familiar with his proud stories of guiding tourists up Half Dome. Besides this, he secretly liked horsies and wanted to spend time with these fascinating poinies.
  387. >"Aye, sir" he said with flaming intensity.
  388. >After LT Worf and the princesses departed the room, a communication came in from the bridge.
  389. >"Captain, we are approaching perigee on Equestria."
  390. "Very well. Mr. Data commence your scans. Number One please join me on the bridge."
  391. >"Aye, sir" they said nearly simultaneously
  392. >Data left for the turbolift
  393. >As Riker and Picard entered the bridge from the conference room, Picard took a double-take at the navigation console operator, a brand new Ensign.
  394. "Are you eating cake? he said
  395. >The truffle-shuffle looking fellow turned in his chair and slowly shifted his eyes to the cake in his hand and then to Picard.
  396. >"Yes, sir. It's wonderful! Much better than that replicator stuff. You should try some!" said the fatso with a mouthful of strawberry cake.
  397. >The captain did such a powerful facepalm that the shockwave of cringe it generated nearly knocked the tubby Ensign out of his chair.
  398.  
  399. Cut to turbolift with Worf, Luna, and Celestia:
  400. >Once they were all in the turbolift, Worf leaned over and pressed the 'Go' button.
  401. >The lift did its turbo acceleration.
  402. >"Weeeeeeeeee!!!" said the princesses in unison.
  403. >After the tickling feeling of acceleration wore off, Celestia busied herself with examining the controls panel while Luna looked up at Worf with a big grin.
  404. >"Mr. Worf, you simply must try this coconut cream donut!" she said as she held it aloft magically.
  405. >"Thank you." said Worf with a smile full of burly Klingon teeth.
  406. >He bit into it with a mighty warrior's 'SNARF!'
  407. >"Mmmmm!" he said with approving head nods and other yummy sounds.
  408. >Luna looked up to him biting her lower lip. He was a rough-cut animal!
  409. >"Have you ever seen a pony before?" she asked.
  410. >"Not ponies like you. However, I have seen earthling horsies. They are huge and powerful!" said Worf, who admired powerful things.
  411. >"On the holodecks, I sometimes like to ride them in battle simulations. It is very relaxing to use their power to assist with crushing skulls!" continued Worf with blood lust in his voice.
  412. >Princess Luna's got an electric shiver through her feminine bits. What a delectable savage!
  413. >Celestia had noticed the exchange and was now giggling to herself.
  414. >Normally, in the holodecks Worf liked to crush skulls on foot. But, on a lark he had tried a horsy riding program. At first he was clumsy, but finding he liked it, he persisted and got better. Soon he was riding horsies in simulated combat. In that mode, he opted to use a Polish cavalry saber. He found it could sever heads from shoulders with delightful efficiency.
  415. >But Worf also liked grooming and brushing them. He especially liked putting cute little ribbons in their manes and tails. He rode them into battle like this. Yet, he kept all this a secret, especially from that jackass, Riker.
  416. >Luna looked at Work demurely.
  417. >"Well, my dear Mr. Worf. Even though ponies can likewise be...rough,...one cannot ride them...at least...not like that!" said the goddess of the moon with a suggestive glance.
  418. >"I, I see." said Work awkwardly, probably blushing underneath all that scowling.
  419. >Celestia was laughing openly.
  420. >"Excellent timing on your comment, little sister!" whispered Celestia.
  421. >Celestia was a great admirer of her sister's forward techniques.
  422. >"Thank you, big sister!" Luna replied
  423. >Just then the turbolift arrived at its destination. It had continued traveling until the right moment in the conversation had been reached. Turbolifts were known to be considerate that way.
  424.  
  425. Cut to the bridge:
  426. >Picard had finally decided to stuff his face with some cake. He was polishing off a large slice and making yummy sounds when communications started pouring in.
  427. >”Captain, this is LaForge. We found the problem with the warp drives. Saboteurs have ripped out and destroyed our trans-warp bubble emission restrictors and their control circuitry.”
  428. “Saboteurs?!” He said in the most Bri’ish way possible. “Have they been caught and can the damaged parts be replaced?”
  429. >”No and no, captain. There are no repair parts on board and supply says they are backordered for five months.” said LaForge.
  430. >Picard was visible irritated. There were two things he hated most in the universe, and those were saboteurs and the Starfleet Supply System.
  431. “Damn Starfleet Supply System!” Picard muttered off comms. “Mr. LaForge, can you repair the existing parts? If not, what are the alternatives?”
  432. >”We’ll try, captain, but it’s not looking good. Another thing…”
  433. “Yes?”
  434. >”The conduits where we found the damage was covered in graffiti of mares, some of it quite good.”
  435. “Mares?” Picard thought for a moment. “Very well, Mr. LaForge. Please continue with your repair attempts. Inform me of any progress.”
  436. >”Aye, sir!” said LaForge with a can-do attitude.
  437. “Number One, place the ship at security posture two. Have security teams sweep the ship to prevent any further sabotage and to find the culprits.”
  438. >”Aye, sir.” said Riker with a beard full of donut crumbs.
  439. >Riker jumped into action, by simply picking up the PA microphone and making a ship-wide announcement.
  440. >Picard had heaped another helping of cake on his plate when another communication came in, Dr. Crusher this time.
  441. >”Captain, you asked me to tell you when the pony dream issue got worse. Well, it has gotten worse.”
  442. “What do you mean Dr. Crusher? Specify.” says Picard using his manly voice.
  443. >”Several crew members have become so obsessed with the ponies in their dreams that they cannot focus on work. They talk about them incessantly, draw doodles of them, and some have even taken to writing poetry about mares. Can you come to sick bay when you get a chance?” said the long haired thing.
  444. “I will Dr. Crusher. This is most disconcerting. LaForge has informed me that our warp engine problem is in some way connected to saboteurs who seem to have a similar mare obsession.”
  445. >”In that case, I will make this issue my primary focus.”
  446. “Please do, doctor.”
  447. >Yet, another communication came in.
  448. >”Captian, this is LCDR Data. We have completed our initial scans with some surprising results. I believe it would be beneficial for you to see the results in person in the science lab on deck 7.”
  449. “Very well, Data, I’m on my way.” says the captain as he gets a big chunk of cake on his fork…for the road.
  450. >Then, as he heads toward the turbolift, one final communication, from LT Mous.
  451. “Captain, this is LT Mous from the port communications compartment. We have determined the cause of our comms degradation. The communications control cabinets have been doused with 40-proof apple cider, a lot of it judging by the bottles covering the deck, and the sub-space resonance membranes have been covered in whipped cream, causing them to dissolve.
  452. >Picard had to ask the perennial question.
  453. “Can it be repaired, Mr. Mous, and what would be the timeline?”
  454. >”Two days for the cabinets. That would restore short range comms. However, replacement membranes are on backorder for 9 months.”
  455. “Fuck the Starfleet Supply System! Fuck them!” Picard muttered off comms. “Very well, Mr. Mous, repair what you can.”
  456. >”Aye, sir. Also, whoever did this drew a rendition of ‘Napoleon Crosses The Alps’ on the bulkhead except with ponies instead of humans.”
  457. “Noted, Mr. Mous. We are looking into another incident of a similar nature.”
  458. >Turning to CDR Riker, Picard gave an order.
  459. “Number One, you have the bridge until I return.”
  460. >”Aye, sir” says the bearded one as he picks up a maple bar.
  461. >Entering the turbolift, Picard wonders how the saboteurs were able to override the security program preventing the replication of alcohol. While he pondered he chewed cake and pressed the button for deck seven.
  462.  
  463. Cut to the 7th deck science lab:
  464. >Picard entered the 7th deck nerd farm and was immediately glad there was a designated place for these brainiacs. Keeping them cooped up in the science lab provided the ship with useful scientific results while sparing the ship their awful sperginess.
  465. >Data was there to meet him.
  466. >”Greetings, captain. I have pulled up the data at the central console.”
  467. “Very well, Data. Let’s have a look.” said Picard as he looked at the graphs and figures, pretending to understand what they mean.
  468. >Finally Picard requested an explanation.
  469. “What does this all mean, Data? What are your conclusions?
  470. >”Basically, we have discovered that the surface of Equestria acts as an emissions source of friendlyons. However, there are areas of more intense emission centered on their cities, particularly from what appears to be their capital and a cute small town nearby.”
  471. “Did you just say cute?”
  472. >”No, sir.” said the android with a confused look.
  473. “Could these emissions be affecting us on a biological level, Data?” said Picard, with a look of suspicion.
  474. >”Sir, it seems that this is the case. That would explain the concentration of emissions from their cities. We have observed that the friendlyons have a tendency to be attracted to sentient biological matter in much the same way oppositely charged particles are attracted. That matter tends to act like a conduit. Taken together, the emitted friendlyons create a potential field much like a magnetic field. We are calling it a friendship potential." explained the false man.
  475. “Could this explain the phenomenon of crew members having pony related dreams? Or, the sabotage we have experienced in engineering and communications?”
  476. >”That very well may be the case, captain. Since we are in the same friendship potential as the equines of Equestria, it is possible that large amounts of friendship energy is being transmitted between us. For the residents of Equestria this is normal, but it is difficult to say what the effect on the human crew would be, given prolonged exposure. Of course, since I am an android I should be immune.”
  477. “Very well, Data. I am beginning to see connections. This has been most useful.” says Picard, feeling certain he had heard Data say ‘cute’ earlier.
  478. >By now many of the poindexters in the lab had gathered round to listen intently to the conversation. It was rare that anybody important visited them.
  479. >”Captain, is it true that two pony princesses are are on board? Will they stop by the lab?” says one with coke bottle lens glasses.
  480. “Well, yes. LT Worf is taking them on a tour. It is possible they might come by.”
  481. >There was a sudden surge of jubilant whispering and speculations amongst the poindexters.
  482. >”Captain, I have developed a theoretical construct to quantify the cuteness of ponies, particularly mares. I think you would find it fascinating. Would you be interested to hear the particulars?” said one with a pocket protector in his lab coat.
  483. “Perhaps another time. I really must…” the captain began before being interrupted.
  484. >”Yes, but your proportionality constant is too large, I believe.” said one with crooked teeth.
  485. >”It is entirely consistent within two standard deviations of the collected data. Besides, in the limit as it approaches zero, the resulting cuteness index is still beyond anything mankind is capable of achieving.” say pocket protector.
  486. >”Ah, yes. Well, I will give you that.” responded crooked teeth.
  487. >”All of this is disregarding the love factor, which I maintain is a key component of the calculations aside from friendship and cuteness.” says the coke bottle lenses, clearly irritated that his theory is not being given due regard.
  488. “Data, how long have they been like this?”
  489. >It has been getting exponentially worse over the past two hours. So far, I have been able to keep them on task. However, I fear that will become impossible in approximately five hours. Though, I must admit that many of their theories are compelling.”
  490. “Data, keep them on task. I am headed to medical to speak with Dr. Crusher.”
  491. >”Aye, sir.”
  492.  
  493. Cut to medical:
  494. >Sick bay was full of patients. Some were doodling mares on notepads, others were composing song lyrics or writing stories about ponies. Still others were having conversations about which was best pony. Medical techs were taking readings on them with space age medical instruments.
  495. >”Mares! The one with the rainbow and clouds mark is most cute! Mares!
  496. >”She cute 360, but surely this red and white one with wings is the most top cute. Mares! Mares! Mares!
  497. >”No, I think you’re both wrong. Amre! The most cute are the princesses. They’re on board right now!”
  498. >”Mares?”
  499. >”That’s right! I saw them myself. They were max cute!”
  500. >”Did you smell them?”
  501. >”A little. Beautiful mares!
  502. >Into this unholy chaos Picard stepped and immediately sought out Dr. Crusher in her office.
  503. >”Captain, it’s good you’re here. Things have been getting far worse. More than half the crew is affected now. Half of those affected can no longer do their job. They are entirely overcome by their obsession. Others do the bear minimum to keep the ships systems running.”
  504. “Is there any way of reversing the effects? What have you tried?”
  505. >”Captain, I’ve tried everything. Medications, therapeutics, hypnosis, slapping them around, all to no effect. I’ve even tried electric shock therapy; that yielded some temporary improvement but only when the shock was applied to…”
  506. “To what doctor?”
  507. >The doctor looked around the room trying to avoid the question.
  508. >”Well, to sensitive areas. You know it’s just something I always wanted to try anyway. So…”
  509. >The bald captain rolled his eyes.
  510. “Never mind. I believe Data’s theory that we are caught in a flux of something called friendlyons emitted from the surface of this planet has something to do with what is happening to the crew.”
  511. >”If that's true then why are some of us not affected?”
  512. “I do not know, doctor. Have any of them indicated anything that might lead you to suspect anybody of sabotage.” said the captain wearily.
  513. >”No captain, but every single one of them wants to go to the surface, where the ponies are.”
  514. “I see. We are rapidly approaching a moment of crisis. Please wrap up a few things and come up to the conference room. I’ll gather all the officers to take stock of where we stand.”
  515. >I’ll be up there in a moment then, captain.”
  516.  
  517. Cut to LT Worf and the Princesses:
  518. >The little tour group was now entering engineering.
  519. >”And here is our mighty core where energy is produced and distributed.” said Worf with pride, even though he had no idea how it worked.
  520. >”Oooooooooo!” said Luna in amazement.
  521. >”What is that wonderful sound it makes? WOOM-WOOm-WOom-Woom-woom.” said Celestia, mimicking the noise of the core.
  522. >”That, I believe, is the sound of matter and anti-matter colliding and annihilating each other to make energy.” Worf said as he aggressively pounded a fist into his palm.
  523. >”Ah! Who would have thought the sound of annihilation would be so delightful.” Celestia remarked sweetly.
  524. >”Can I help you LT Worf?” LaForge asked as he approached the group.
  525. >When they turned around he was stunned.
  526. >”Oh, are you the princesses I’ve heard so much about?” LaForge asks.
  527. >”Yes, my good cyclops!” Luna replied.
  528. >”Well, it truly is an honor to have you here. I’m the chief engineer. You are both so lovely!”
  529. >Worf rolled his eyes at LaForge’s attempt to be suave.
  530. >”Thank you very much!” Celestia replied.
  531. >As Celestia schmoozed it up with LaForge. Luna wandered the compartment looking around in wonder.
  532. >”Oh Chief Engineer, what, pray tell, are these?” Luna asked.
  533. >”Those are some broken components of our warp drive” said LaForge walking over to the table. “Without them, we cannot leave your system.”
  534. >”Have you tried a restoration spell?” Luna asked LaForge.
  535. >”A magic spell? I’m sorry, my lovely princess of the night, we don’t believe in magic.” says LaForge.
  536. >Worf rolled his eyes again. LaForge thought he was as smooth as a Puerto Rican, but he wasn’t!
  537. >Princess Luna emitted a gasp and nearly fainted into the arms of Worf, who would have been happy to feel how soft she was, but she recovered at the last moment
  538. >”Not believe in magic Mr. Chief Engineer? Well, I assure you that a restoration spell will fix this right up. I have just the pony for the job. It will require a strong combination of magic and friendship. I shall discuss it with your captain.” says Celestia.
  539. >”Uh, thank you princess.” LaForge says with embarrassment.
  540. >As the princesses continue to wander around the compartment looking at things and interacting with the techs, who are simply tickled to speak with ponies, LaForge turns to Worf.
  541. >”Do you suppose they like tummy rubs?” asks LaForge with a finger on his chin.
  542. >Worf considers this, based entirely on his experience on the holodeck with earth horsies.
  543. >”I do not know. However, earth horsies like to roll around in the dust, especially after you wash them. It’s rather irritating when you are trying to make them look pretty!” says Worf nearly snarling as he remembered all those times.
  544. >”That’s hot!” says LaForge as he eyeballs Celestia
  545. >Then he does a double-take.
  546. >”Wait, how to you know so much about horsies?” LaForge asks.
  547. >”I…uh, have an uncle who raises horses on Uranus. He won’t stop talking about it.” Worf says dismissively.
  548. >Worf was not good at Earth system stellar geography.
  549. >”How’s that possible when Uranus is a gas giant?”
  550. >”My anus is NOT a gas giant!” says Worf with Klingon rage.
  551. >Worf gives LaForge a murderous glance, then goes to collect the princesses to continue the tour.
  552. >LaForge watches the royal hineys of the princesses with a smile as they depart into the turbolift.
  553.  
  554. Cut to the bridge:
  555. >About 30min. after Worf and the princesses had left engineering, Picard arrived on the bridge and clicked his comms badge.
  556. >”All officer department heads assemble in the conference room.” he barked.
  557. >He was tired of all this shit.
  558. >Soon Picard, Dr. Crusher, LaForge, Data, and Riker were in the conference room.
  559. “Earl Grey, hot!”
  560. >”Bizzzjjjjjjhhhhh” said the replicator angrily.
  561. “Would anybody else like anything.”
  562. >”Hot cocoa please, captain” says Riker.
  563. >”Yes, me too!” says LaForge with his suave excitement.
  564. >”I believe I will try some as well, captain.” says Data
  565. “You can’t even taste it Data.” Picard says with a raised eyebrow.
  566. >”Nevertheless, I would like to experience the social interaction of sharing a cup of hot cocoa with friends.” Data responds.
  567. >LaForge and Riker look at Data with smiles and nod their heads. Data responds in kind.
  568. >”Oh, captain, can we have those cute, fluffy little marshmallows too?” LaForge asks as Picard is about to order the machine what to do.
  569. >Riker points a finger at LaForge and smiles.
  570. >”Good call my friend!” says Riker’s happy beard.
  571. >”Friends!” LaForge and Data agree in unison.
  572. “Oh very well.” Picard says with irritation. “Three cups of hot cocoa with marshmallows”
  573. >”Bizzzjjjjjjhhhhh”
  574. >Riker and LaForge rub their hands together in anticipation.
  575. >LT Worf and the princesses enter the room just then.
  576. “Would you three like anything to drink?” says Picard in exasperation.
  577. >”Hot chocolate with marshmallows for us, captain.” Celestia responds with an elegant bow.
  578. >Princess Luna, all smiles, nods in agreement.
  579. “And you Mr. Worf?”
  580. >”I shall have hot cocoa with cinnamon and nutmeg!” says Worf epically, with an upturned clenched fist.
  581. >’What a bold choice! What decisive action!’ thinks Luna.
  582. >They all sit down with their drinks, the hot cocoa drinkers smiling happily at each other, and Picard explains the situation in a long boring monotone way. At length, he comes to the end of it.
  583. “So you see, we have no way to repair the warp drives, no means of communicating our situation with the fleet, and ever decaying crew competence. We must decide on a course of action. Recommendations?” says Picard with hopefully raised eyebrows.
  584. >”Captain, we could try the restoration spell that the beautiful Princess Celestia and mysterious Princess Luna suggested! I didn’t believe before, but now I do. I believe in the magic of friendship!” opines LaForge.
  585. >The hot cocoa friends all raised their glasses.
  586. >”Cheers to friendship!”
  587. >Picard’s eyes bugged out at the notion that his Chief Engineer was suggesting that they use magic, and at his other statements. He turned to Celestia.
  588. “Princess Celestia, what does he mean? What is this restoration spell?”
  589. >”Well, my dear captain, we can use magic to restore broken components as long as the spell caster has knowledge of how the component works and is constructed. Absent that knowledge, there must be a strong bond of friendship between the spell caster, or casters, and those who do have such knowledge. It is actually rather simple once the bond of friendship is made.” explains the lovely Celestia.
  590. “Data, your assessment. Surely, this is not within the realm of the possible. Magic is something from fairy tales, hardly the stuff of interstellar exploration.”
  591. >”It is conceivable that what they call magic is the complex manipulation of friendlyons. By such means they have demonstrated instantaneous teleportation, the ability to survive in space with no space suites, the ability to conjure confectionary delights, and to travel mach 2.2. with no machinery. These should be impossible according to our understanding of physics. However, the newly discovered friendlyon expands the realm of physics itself. I assess that such a restoration spell may be possible."
  592. >At this point, Riker’s beard could withstand the wiggly friendship feelings bouncing around inside him no longer and he spoke up with a very merry suggestion.
  593. >”Captain, I suggest we accept the invitation to the tea party. It’ll be so much fun that we’ll have enough friendship to do the restoration spell! Imagine the fun! Imagine the cuteness!” said an enthusiastic Riker, as he explained with double hand gestures to nods around the room, except for Dr. Crusher who was perpetually unhappy (probably because she was a woman).
  594. >”Yeah! That’s a great idea. Think of the games and the pastries! Mmmmm!” remarked LaForge in his Reading Rainbow voice and an enormous grin.
  595. >Picard, seeking for some semblance of sanity looked first to LT Worf, who was presently enjoying the aroma of his hot cocoa.
  596. “Mr. Worf? Where do you stand on this?”
  597. >The Klingon scowled his most fierce scowl to indicate the intensity of his feeling on the matter. It’s something Klingons did.
  598. >”I am afraid I must agree. Friendship is our only salvation.” said Worf as he turned to smile at Luna and sip more cocoa.
  599. “And you, Data? Surely you do not believe that we can be saved by a tea party?”
  600. >Data smiled stupidly at the captain for a moment before answering.
  601. >”Captain, I see no alternative. In the absence of any other viable option, and being aware of the unknown properties of friendship potential fields, I am forced to conclude that a massive, positive friendship perturbation combined with friendlyon field manipulation, will be sufficient to execute the restoration spell the lovely princesses spoke of, if anything at all. Besides, we could all use some new friends!” said Data cheerfully.
  602. >Data took a sip of the hot cocoa.
  603. >”Mmmm! I am detecting a curious dispersion of flavonoids and phenols in this drink.” remarked Data.
  604. >”That’s the most happy part of the drink. Savor it!” Worf instructed while pointing an accusing finger at Data.
  605. >Now Dr. Crusher, who was frequently a wet blanket, spoke up.
  606. >”Captain, it appears the insanity is spreading rather quickly now. A decision must be made.
  607. >Now Princess Luna spoke up.
  608. >”By Spock’s beard, captain! We mean no harm. We simply wish to have a tea party and games with your crew. It will be lovely!” said Luna happily.
  609. >Celestia nodded her head with a wise countenance.
  610. >”Captain Kirk had agreed to it much earlier than you have, captain. And look, nothing befell them.” said the regal princess Celestia.
  611. >Picard ran his fingers over his hairless que ball and thought for a moment. He felt he had no other option. Any attempt to repair the ship themselves would be undone by the insanity gripping the crew. It was either waste away in orbit, or go to a tea party. He felt like Alice in Wonderland on her way to talk to the Mad Hatter and the March Hare.
  612. “Very well. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, we accept the invitation to your tea party.”
  613. >Applause erupted from Riker and LaForge. Worf and Data both smiled and nodded at the excellent decision. Dr. Crusher and Picard both facepalmed.
  614. >”All right! Yeah! All right! Atta boy!” said LaForge.
  615. >”Wonderful, Captain! Preparations have already been underway, but we will go verify. When everything is ready you can arrive!” said Celestia with a resplendent smile.
  616. >Luna was clapping her hooves together along with everyone else, a big goofy grin covering her face.
  617. >”For the time being adieu!” said Celestia as she and Luna activated their horns and were gone in a flash.
  618. “Right. Number One, prepare a roster of ship’s company who will attend. Ensure they are ready within two hours. Make sure none of them are wearing red shirts!” Instructed the captain.
  619. >”You got it, chum!” said Riker leaning back in his chair.
  620. “What did you say?!”
  621. >”Er…you got it, sir!”
  622. >Picard shook his head
  623. “LCDR LaForge. Place our power generation, propulsion, auxiliary, and life support systems in automatic. Place engineering in a minimal manning posture.”
  624. >”Great thinking captain! Then more personnel can attend the party!” said techno-eyes, with an air of realization.
  625. >Riker gave LaForge an A-ok sign to let him know he was on top of the idea.
  626. “LT Worf, go to security posture 1. Populate your security teams with personnel who are unaffected. Also, raise our shields to 100%”
  627. >”Aye, sir” said the Klingon with a smile.
  628. “Data, lock our navigation system into automatic on a stable, safe orbit. Prepare scientific scanning equipment to bring with us to the tea party.”
  629. >”Aye, sir!” said the android as he did a single spin in his chair.
  630. “Dr. Crusher, I shall need you on board to monitor the situation and ensure the various critical watch stations are manned by unaffected personnel.”
  631. >”I’ll do my best captain”
  632. >With that they all departed the conference room to get things ready. As he entered the bridge, Picard noted that the bridge watch team had taken to using the computer system to draw ponies on the viewer screen. Things were getting bad. Hopefully, the systems could be put in automatic before all competence was lost.
  633.  
  634. Cut to Canterlot:
  635. >Celestia had not counted on the need for a restoration spell. Since nopony had the technical knowledge that the humans did for their own cosmic palace, the power of friendship would need to be exceptionally strong in order to compensate. Celestia now wrote a scroll to bring the Mane 6 to Canterlot to assist in building friendship at the party.
  636. >Meanwhile, Princess Luna was verifying everything was ready with Fancy Pants. Originally, only enough seats had been made for a third of the cosmic palace residents. Given the magnitude of the problem. Princess Luna had Fancy Pants set additional places to accommodate half of the cosmic palace residents.
  637. >Finally everything was ready and the royal sisters had met up.
  638. >"Everything is ready to receive half of the crew, big sister. And Fancy Pants will be the majordomo for the event. His entire staff and the pony guests are waiting in the Great Hall.” says Luna
  639. >”Wonderful, little sister! I have been overseeing the competition preparations in Ponyville. Once the tea party is finished, we’ll all teleport there. Oh, and I have invited the Mane 6 to help with making friends.” Said Celestia radiantly.
  640. >”Oh, but big sister, think of the chaos!” said Luna with a giggle.
  641. >Yes, I know! It will be perfect!” replied Celestia, scrunching her nose. “Now, if you are ready I suggest it is time we go back to the cosmic palace to fetch our guests!”
  642.  
  643. Cut to the Enterprise hangar bay where the selected ship’s crew had mustered in their fine Starfleet Dress Uniforms. It was about half the crew:
  644. >Captain, everyone is accounted for and ready to go.” says Riker, barely able to contain his enthusiasm.
  645. >It had been five months since the last planet visit and he was sick and tired of being on this tub. Plus, the air scrubbers were starting to go bad, making the ship smell a bit like ass.
  646. >The captain first looked the selectees over, making sure there were no red shirts among them. Though he was grumpy and bald, he still cared deeply for the safety of his crew.
  647. “Very well, Number one. We shall proceed in groups of ten to the transporter room until everyone is safely on Equestria. Looking at the roster you made, I am a bit worried you included all the department heads rather than leaving some on the ship.”
  648. >”Not to worry, captain! While we’re away, the secondary department heads will run things. They are highly competent and have not been affected…yet.” says Riker, using a serious face.
  649. >In actuality Riker included LaForge, Worf, and Data because he wanted to hang out with them while making pony friends. That was one of the benefits of being the senior watch officer; he could do whatever the hell he wanted with who would be on watch. He left Dr. Crusher off the roster though, cuz fuck that bitch.
  650. “Very well, Number One. I suppose it will be alright given that every system is in automatic. All that is needed is to watch them for abnormalities.” Then turning to Data he asked. “Data, is your friendlyon detection equipment ready?”
  651. >Data held up a briefcase-like item and patted it with a smile and a nod.
  652. >”That it is, sir! That it is!”
  653. >Suddenly there was a sparkly light, and the royal princesses appeared before their eyes. Riker immediately smiled and beckoned to Worf and LaForge to come over. Picard gripped his heart due to being startled. He was getting too old for this shit.
  654. >”Greetings captain! And to your officers as well!” said Celestia as she and her sister gave a bow. Worf, Data, LaForge, and Riker likewise gave a bow with smiling faces.
  655. “Yes, everyone is ready. We’ll beam down in an orderly fashion in groups of ten.” said the methodical captain once he recovered.
  656. >”Oh, captain! You forget we can use magic!” Celestia said with an absolutely wonderful smile.
  657. “W-wait…” began Picard.
  658. >It was too late. Celestia and Luna activated their horns. All the crew who were in the hanger bay heard a ‘ZZZZWWWWOOOOOOMMMMM!’ sound and beheld a progression of psychedelic colors and bizarre shapes as they were teleported through the nth dimension by means no human had experienced before.
  659.  
  660. Cut to the gates of Canterlot:
  661. >Suddenly they were all there at the very gates of Canterlot. The resplendently gleaming yellow, purple, and white spires of the capital beckoned. Everyone looked around in excited anticipation. Celestia addressed them all in her Royal Voice so that everyone could hear.
  662. >”My esteemed guests! Welcome to Canterlot! Everypony has come out to greet you! Please follow Princess Luna and I to the tea party!”
  663. “Yes, well I suppose there’s no helping it then.” said Picard shrugging his shoulders.
  664. >The crew applauds and there are many ‘Yays!’, ‘Yippies!’, ‘Huzzahs!’, and ‘Mares!’ that erupt from the crowd.
  665. >As they all begin to walk with the princesses to the palace down the main avenue of Canterlot, called Rue Eclipse, wonderful welcome music plays seemingly from everywhere.
  666. >Mares line the streets waving, blowing kisses, smiling, and winking…with their eyes.
  667. >Some ponys do cartwheels and flips in their excitement.
  668. >Others are juggling on unicycles. Many are stomping or clapping their hooves together.
  669. >Still others are waving banners with pictures of the Enterprise on them.
  670. >Confetti in all the pastel colors imaginable, and some colors that are unimaginable, rained down abundantly upon them while royal flags waved from the rooftops.
  671. >In the air, pegasai are doing magnificent displays of flying skill. Unicorns are levitating flowers into the hands of crew members. Earth ponies are handing out little treats to the intrepid spacemen.
  672. >The crew heard sweet voices exclaim ‘Welcome spacemen!’, ‘Glad to have you!’, ‘Do you like muffins?’, ‘Will you be my friend?’, ‘Friendship is magic!, ‘Wanna fly in my hot air balloon?’, and other such typical utterances of jubilation.
  673. >The crew was overwhelmed with warm fuzzies all over. They waved in return and spoke to ponies in the crowd.
  674. >’I love muffins!’, ‘I’d love to be your friend!’, How about kites? Do you like to fly them?’, ‘When does your hot air balloon take off?’, ‘That’s a lovely mane style!’, ‘You’re such a pretty mare!’, and so forth.
  675. >They also commented to each other in their excitement.
  676. >”Look at her! Do you suppose she would want to read bedtime stories together?”
  677. >”These mares are so wonderful, so comfy, so fluffy!”
  678. >”I’d really love to hug those mares over there!”
  679. >”Do you smell it? It smells like cinnamon and star jasmine!”
  680. >”See the minty green one? I think it would be fun to play music with her!”
  681. >”Look at that white and red mare doing cartwheels! Top cute! I want her to teach me!
  682. >Even Picard was waving and smiling. A twinge of friendship began to tug at his grumpy heart as the procession continued on to the palace.
  683.  
  684. Cut to the Great Hall of the palace:
  685. >By the time they arrived at the palace, everyone was glowing inside. They proceeded into the Great Hall of the palace and took seats at tables where ponies where already awaiting them.
  686. >All the guests took their seats. The tables were a mixture of spacemen, mares, and stallions. Everyone was dressed beautifully. As the Royal Sisters gave a speech on the importance of intergalactic friendship and love amongst the stars, the service staff was bringing out tea, cheese, and other snacks.
  687. >Such teas, cheeses, and snacks the crew had never tasted before. It was a smorgasbord of flavors that they would never forget.
  688. >When the speeches were over, the chamber ensemble began to play and everyone remarked how wonderful the cellist, a grey coated mare with a purple bowtie, was.
  689. >Soon, everyone was having a delightful time.
  690. >Riker sat at a table with mares named Rainbowshine, Lemon Hearts, Lyra, Candy Apples, and Rose Luck.
  691. >At LaForge’s table there was Daisy, Lily Valley, Minuette, Twinkleshine, and Sunshower.
  692. >Worf sat with Princess Luna, Coco Pommel, Bon Bon, Clear Skies, and Night Glider.
  693. >Data, who had set up his friendlyon detection equipment and was wearing it like a backpack, sat with Muffins, Marble Pie, Torque Wrench, Moon Dancer, and Flitter. Aside from enjoying himself, he was measuring when friendlyon emissions would meet the threshold he and the poindexters had calculated for restoration spell casting.
  694. >LT Mous was at a table with Princess Celestia, Junebug, Cherry Berry, Fleetfoot, and Angel Wings.
  695. >But Picard sat with Limestone Pie, Dr. Hooves, Bulk Biceps, Tree Hugger, and Inky Rose.
  696. “So, Mr. Biceps, what is it that you do?” asked Picard, trying to start a conversation.
  697. >”I LIFT THINGS! HEAVY THINGS! THE HEAVIER THE BETTER! YEAH!”
  698. >”I bet, like, you could give a really nice hug to a tree, like, a big strong hug.” said the practically stoned Tree Hugger.
  699. >”YEAH! I LOVE TREES!”
  700. “Yes, well in my youth I used to lift…”
  701. >”Beg your pardon, captain, but I am rather captivated by the technological marvel that is your space faring vessel. Pray tell, what is its means of energy production and propulsion?” asked Dr. Hooves.
  702. “You see, Dr. Hooves, we use a matter/antimatter reactor to generate enough energy to bend space-time [here Picard demonstrates by folding a doily to represent space-time]. We then travel across the gap, effectively achieving up to 9.5 times light speed.”
  703. >”I say! Phenomenal!” said Dr. Hooves just before taking a sip of tea.
  704. >”Like, who designs your uniforms, captain?” asked Inky Rose.
  705. “They are designed by Starfleet, my dear.”
  706. >”They should use more black. They should be black, like space. Space is black. You could use silver, you know, for the insignia. It would be like stars in space. Silver stars in the infinite blackness.” said Inky with no emotion.
  707. “I shall forward your suggestion to Starfleet Command, Miss…um…”
  708. >”Inky Rose”
  709. “Yes, I shall forward your comment Miss Rose.” said Picard with a forced smile.
  710. >Inky gave him a 10% smile in supreme gratitude.
  711. >Limestone Pie had been scowling at him the whole time, but now she spoke.
  712. >”You know, captain. You remind me of Holder’s Boulder. You should come see it. I think you’d be impressed with the likeness. Just don’t touch it!” she said in her smoker’s voice.
  713. “Well, thank you Limestone. Perhaps if time allows.”
  714. >Riker was faring better.
  715. >”I grow all kinds of roses. Red ones, blue ones, purple ones, yellow, rainbow ones.” Rose Luck was explaining.
  716. >”That’s wonderful! I’d love to see your rose garden!” said Riker with a big grin. If there was anything he liked more that participating in loin cloth events, it was growing roses. He grew them back home while wearing his favorite lumberjack apparel.
  717. >”I’d love to show you my rose garden, Mr. Riker.” said Rose Luck with a giggle and a demure look.
  718. >Lyra Heartstrings had been watching Riker’s hands, absolutely fascinated.
  719. >”How do you get each finger to cooperate?” Lyra finally asked.
  720. >”It just sort of comes naturally.” Riker replied as he touched his finger tips to his thumbs sequentially. Then, with a twinkle in his eye he said “If you like, I can show you how they work in greater detail later”
  721. >”Ooooooooo! Yes!” Lyra replied.
  722. >One table over, LaForge, Minuette, and Twinkleshine were discussing hip dance moves. They resolved to try some out on the dance floor if the music ever got bump’in. Daisy, Lily and Sunshower said they were game as well.
  723. >Data, meanwhile, was discussing muffins with Muffins and Moon Dancer. He observed that Muffins was by far the better muffin experimentalist and technician. However, he was thoroughly impressed with Moon Dancer’s theoretical framework for muffin construction and structure. Presently, he turned to Marble Pie.
  724. >”Miss Pie, do you also like blueberry muffins?”
  725. >”MmmHmm!” Was her enthusiastic reply.
  726. >”Mr. Data, I’d like to volunteer to come help fix your ship. I can fix anything. I’m sure I can help!” said Torque Wrench.
  727. >Data stopped a moment to reflect. He was so happy to finally make some friends!
  728. >”That’s a wonderful idea! I will propose it to the captain.” said Data with a happy smile.
  729. >LT Worf had his entire table enchanted with tales of making horsies beautiful and riding them into simulated combat. Coco asked about how he matched ribbon color and type to each horsie’s coat. Bon Bon, who was secretly a secret agent, asked about his sword technique. Luna, who was feeling very tingly, was content to listen and gently bite her lower lip.
  730. >At Celestia’s table, LT Mous was mesmerizing them with his knowledge of different human and alien languages. At the moment, he was teaching them a little French. Being ponies, they liked the squishiness of that language. Though, Cherry Berry was a little flustered with the pronunciation. After a few mess-ups they all had a good laugh.
  731. >By this time, many of the spacemen were dancing waltzes with mares to the chamber ensemble music. The mares were teaching them the pony dances and the floor was a spinning whirling tapestry of colors.
  732. >Then without warning, the lights went out and a spotlight appeared on the stage. There in the light was Pinkie Pie and Vinyl Scratch.
  733. >”I hope everypony’s ready to party!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie as a multitude of confetti cannons went off and colored spotlights started zipping around the room to the rhythm of Vinyl’s ‘untz, untz, untz, untz!’.
  734. >In a moment, the chamber ensemble, led by Octavia, had caught the beat and were generating an irresistible techno-classical melody that drew everyone into a maelstrom of dancing.
  735. >Then, the great hall doors flew opened as Fluttershy entered with an entourage of dancing foxes and bears, accompanied by acrobatic rabbits in capes. Rarity, in a splendid gown, was the central performer, being frequently held aloft by the bears. With them came a troupe of raccoons and badgers who took over the job of serving tea and snacks.
  736. >Some of the raccoons picked the pockets of the spacemen, including Picard, but it was all in good fun.
  737. >Another set of doors flew open and Applejack entered with a large contingent of the Apple clan.
  738. >”Howdy ya’ll! Yee haw! Hope ya’ll like rodeos, cuz we’re gonna get’er done!” exclaimed Applejack as part of her clan started to clear some tables to set up a miniature indoor rodeo, complete with bails of hay.
  739. >The other part of her family started distributing apple treats.
  740. >Not to be outdone, Rainbow Dash, along with a number of other expert flyers, came in through the windows with sparklers and began executing a high speed indoor aerial routine.
  741. >Finally, to top it all off, Trixie appeared to perform cheap magic tricks for small numbers of spacemen at a time.
  742. “Now what’s all this then!” exclaimed Picard.
  743. >”YEAH, YEAH! IT’S A CIRCUS!” explained Bulk Biceps to the baffled commanding officer
  744. ‘I’m going to be fired for certain!’ thought Picard as he put his hands to his face like that Home Alone kid. “Data! Data! Where are you?”
  745. >”Right here, sir. Is this not exceptionally fun?”
  746. “It is something, Data. Please tell me that we have reached the friendship potential threshold to attempt the restoration spell and leave.”
  747. >Data examined his instrumentation.
  748. >”Not yet, sir. By my calculations we still have a ways to go. We might as well enjoy ourselves in the meantime!” said Data while bopping his head and hips to the sick beat.
  749. >Suddenly an unfamiliar voice chimed in.
  750. >”Mr. Data, that matches my calculations as well! In fact, my equations show that pony-human friendship under the prevailing circumstances approaches a horizontal asymptote at infinity after going through a steep inflection point, and we haven’t even reached the inflection point yet!” said a happy little purple pony next to them. As she spoke, she levitated some calculus laden papers into Data’s hand.
  751. “And who might you be miss? We are actually quite busy at the moment.” said Picard politely, hoping the interloper would leave.
  752. >”I’m Twilight Sparkle. Princess Celestial asked me and my friends to help build pony-human friendship so that we can cast a restorations spell on your cosmic palace! Once the threshold is reached, I’ll be the one casting the spell!” beamed Twilight.
  753. “Are you telling me that this…circus, is your doing?” Picard asked in astonishment. “And this is supposed to increase friendship?”
  754. >Data, who had been examining Twilight’s calculations now interrupted.
  755. >”Captain, her computations are quite well reasoned. The dancing bears alone add an additional 25% rate of increase in friendship per unit time. That seems to match the sudden increase in friendlyon flux I have detected.” said Data, pointing to some equations and a graph.
  756. “You’ve got to be kidding.” Picard replied.
  757. >”Captain, it’s true. Furthermore, if we just follow my handy checklist we’ll be exactly on schedule to achieve optimal friendship!” said Twilight as she gave Picard a copy of her checklist scroll.
  758. >Picard examined it. It consisted of hand drawn…er, hoof drawn pictures of events next to check boxes; no discernible words. He then handed the list to Data in exasperation.
  759. “Well, if you’ll excuse me. I think I’ll go get more tea.”
  760. >Meanwhile, while the party was increasing in both fun and chaos, Princess Luna found herself, on purpose, with Worf at one of the few remaining tables that had not been overturned by the rodeo.
  761. >”Mr. Worf, you were so kind to give us a tour of your cosmic palace. Would you like a personal tour of the Canterlot Palace?” Luna asked hopefully.
  762. >”I would indeed!” boomed the Klingon.
  763. >Just as Riker had formed a conga line of spacemen and ponies, and as the bears began juggling mares, the two passed through the doors into other parts of the palace.
  764. >On the dance floor, LaForge, Pinkie Pie, Minuette, Twinkleshine, Daisy, Lily, and Sunshower were having a dance competition with some other crew members and ponies
  765. >At the same time, Applejack was delighted to find what a fast learner Data was a lasso tricks. He did a number of complex maneuvers while Applejack and Fluttershy watched.
  766. >Rarity had finished her performance and was not schmoozing and flirting with the guests.
  767. >In a different area, Rainbow Dash had started a hoof wrestling competition.
  768. >In general, everyone was having a fun time, except Picard.
  769.  
  770. Cut to Luna and Worf:
  771. >Luna was teleporting Worf around the palace for the tour.
  772. >”ZZZZWWWWOOOOOOMMMMM!”
  773. >”This is the throne room!” exclaimed Luna happily.
  774. >”Magnificent!” said Worf with intensity.
  775. >”ZZZZWWWWOOOOOOMMMMM!”
  776. >”Here is our observatory!” said Luna in a moderate tone.
  777. >”Extraordinary!” Worf replied, truly impressed.
  778. >”ZZZZWWWWOOOOOOMMMMM!”
  779. >”Here is the royal archive and library!” said Luna in a still lower tone.
  780. >”Very bookish!” remarked Worf, who was not very fond of books.
  781. >”ZZZZWWWWOOOOOOMMMMM!”
  782. >”Here’s our kitchen!” said Luna in a hush.
  783. >”Smells delicious!” said Worf, who was always hungry
  784. >”ZZZZWWWWOOOOOOMMMMM!”
  785. >”And here are my chambers.” said Luna in a whisper into Worf’s ear.
  786. >”C-cozy.” said Worf in surprise.
  787. >Luna smiled and put some sexy in her steps as she went over to the sofa.
  788. >”Please join me on the sofa Mr. Worf!”
  789. >Worf gulped deeply and followed her.
  790. >Once they were sitting down together, Luna gave him a seductive look and spoke.
  791. >”Worf, would you like to make me beautiful like one of your war horsies?” said Luna as she levitated a brush and some ribbons into Worf’s hand. “I promise I won’t roll around in the dust afterward!” she said as she scrunched her nose.
  792. >”I-I would like that very much!” Worf replied.
  793. >”So would I, Worf!” Luna breathed.
  794. >She turned and let Worf’s strong hands brush her all over. ‘He’s so skilled!’ she thought, as she became more aroused. When he finished tying the last ribbons in her mane and tail, she turned to him.
  795. >”You know, Worf, after being made beautiful, Equestrian mares won’t roll around in the dust, but we do like to do other things!” Luna said with a demure smile.
  796. >”Oh?” Was all Worf could muster.
  797. >Luna nodded and in a flash she leapt upon Worf, flattening him to the sofa. She planted numerous passionate kisses on him and he reciprocated.
  798. >After a while, Luna pulled away.
  799. >”Do you like rough stuff, Worf” Luna asked.
  800. >”Yes! Very much!” Worf replied.
  801. >”Mmmmmm! Ok, but tell me if I hurt you too much!”
  802. >Without giving him a chance to speak further she went in for more kissing.
  803.  
  804. Cut to Picard at the tea party:
  805. >Picard was standing solemnly alone in a corner, sipping some Equestrian tea, while the crazy party went on without him. He was impressed with the tea, though he did not like it as much as Earl Gray Hot. His mind was occupied with the chaos and uncertainty of this plan.
  806. >While he was lost in thought, Data, approached.
  807. >”Captain, I have observed a marked increase in friendlyon flux that cannot be explained by the activities in this room. If you look at the data on my screen you can see that the anomaly slowly built up and then rapidly increased in a number of pulses, or thrusts.”
  808. “What could it be, Data? And how close does this bring us to the threshold?
  809. >”I cannot say for certain what it may be. The anomaly has indeed brought us closer, though we still must make significant progress. It must have been a friendship event of significant magnitude, or perhaps something stronger. If I could replicate it, time to threshold would be substantially reduced.” explained the android between his music induced hip gyrations.
  810. “Very well, Data. Please continue your investigation. If we can replicate that anomaly, I would like to do so.”
  811. >”Aye, sir. And sir, please endeavor to enjoy yourself! There is a great deal happening simultaneously that you may find interesting. Trixie is about to saw ENS Jones in half by the main doors. Over there, Rainbow Dash is teaching us awesome poses and how to be 20% cooler. We are engaged in hay bail tossing at the rodeo, and Fluttershy has established a petting zoo by the snacks table. I will be heading over there now since I have never petted a raccoon in real life.” Data explained with an enthusiastic smile.
  812. “Thank you, Data. I shall take that into consideration.” Picard replied, realizing that he was the only one not affected by friendlyons.
  813. >Data nodded and went back to the party.
  814. >Another figure approached to speak with Picard.
  815. >’Fantastic! It’s that oddball purple pony again.’ thought Picard with annoyance.
  816. >”Greetings again, captain! Are you enjoying yourself?” She said with her characteristic goofy grin.
  817. >Picard sighed and decided to be honest.
  818. “Frankly Miss Sparkle, I am not. You see, my ship is incapacitated and my crew is obsessed with making pony friends to the point that they cannot function in their assigned roles. Consequently, I cannot fulfill my orders from Starfleet. I cannot see how any of this [waving to the party] can fix that.” said Picard in frustration.
  819. >Twilight had listened intently.
  820. >”So you feel as though everything is collapsing and spinning out of control and none of your plans are working, and it’s making you so nervous you can’t stand it?” asked Twilight.
  821. “That is precisely it Miss Sparkle.”
  822. >”I know how you feel captain. I used to go crazy whenever things didn’t go according to plan. I still do sometimes. Everything had to go the right way. But after I met my best friends I learned to deal the occasional chaos. I learned that sometimes we need chaos and unpredictability to grow. Our friendships help us through that! The most difficult things can be accomplished through the power of friendship. I know everything looks dismal from your perspective - I think I’ve been there myself - but won’t you give friendship a chance? I promise it works! You can’t do anything else anyway.” explained Twilight in a soothing voice.
  823. >Picard considered this. Perhaps he might have been looking at this the wrong way.
  824. “I suppose I can give it a chance, Miss Sparkle.” said Picard, finally with a smile.
  825. >”Great! Now, You wanna dance with me? Some say I can really cut a rug, and Vinyl is laying down a thick beat!”
  826. “Alright Miss Sparkle. Let’s go!”
  827. >Soon Picard and Twilight Sparkle, being both equally inept dancers, were cutting a rug on the dance floor with the other ponies and spacemen. They weren’t just cutting it, they were dousing it with gasoline and lighting in on fire.
  828. >In short order, the party reached max comfy.
  829. >Data was petting raccoons and getting eyeballed by a very fascinated Fluttershy. He was also having his pockets picked by raccoons, though he did not notice since his positronic mind had calculated a zero probability of ever getting pickpocketed by a racoon.
  830. >Riker, after having mesmerized mares on the dance floor with his Elvis-like hip gyrations, was now discussing uniform fashion with Rarity.
  831. >”…so, your uniforms should certainly be black. Black with silver trim and silver insignia, darling. Then they would most certainly not clash with the colors of the cosmic void in such a garish manner as your current version. Whoever, designed these uniforms simply did a dreadful job! Simply dreadful!” said Rarity.
  832. >Riker, nodded his head in fascination. Nearby, Inky Rose, having her fashion sense validated by the great Rarity, also nodded.
  833. >LaForge and various other ponies and spacemen were striking awesome poses under the instruction of Rainbow Dash.
  834. >On the stage, LT Mous was dancing with Celestia while playing a concertina to the techno-classical rhythm. Celestia had materialized the concertina for him after he described it to her.
  835. >By this time, Worf and Princess Luna had rejoined the party and were watching Bulk Biceps dominate the hay bail tossing competition.
  836. >Satisfied that max friendship in this venue had been achieved, Celestia motioned for the band to finish their present tune. When they had, she addressed the crowd.
  837. >”Friends! The time has come to move on to the competition in Ponyville! There we shall have displays of great feats of strength. New for this year, we shall also have an arts and crafts competition with combined pony-human teams!” said Celestia to the crowd.
  838. >There was much hoof stomping and clapping.
  839. >”We shall all travel there by teleportation in just a moment. But first, since ponies do not wear clothes during competitions, it is only fair that the humans remove their clothes.”
  840. >To this LaForge raised his hand and spoke.
  841. >”But Princess, we’re terribly bashful!” said LaForge out of self-consciousness for his unsightly butt birthmark. “May we keep our clothes on?”
  842. >”I’m afraid there’s no other way, Mr. LaForge.” said Celestia with gravity.
  843. >But then Luna offered a solution.
  844. >”My sister! They could wear loin cloths. Like before!”
  845. >”Very well, little sister. I decree that all humans shall wear loin cloths!”
  846. >This received extraordinary applause and many a mare’s mouths were watering.
  847. >This decided, Celestia activated her horn and teleported them all to Ponyville.
  848.  
  849. Cut to the Enterprise:
  850. >Things on the Enterprise were quiet. Crew members occasionally checked automatic system readouts to make sure things were functioning as expected. Otherwise, they were busy discussing, doodling, or writing stories about the ponies that continued to visit their dreams.
  851. >Notably, the ship’s bulkheads had become a canvas for the pony artwork of the crew members.
  852. >Dr. Crusher had busied herself with her patients and trying to find a way to reverse the effects plaguing the crew. She found that electric shocks to genitalia was no longer effective, much to her disappointment.
  853. >However, a plot was afoot in the Science Lab.
  854. >”Now, we are all agreed to and understand the plan, yes?" asked Coke Bottle Lenses, pushing up his thick-frame glasses.
  855. >”Oh, yes! We’re all in. What’s more, a good portion of the remaining crew on board supports the idea. Those that are unaware will surely come around once the plan is in effect.” replied Pocket Protector.
  856. >”Everything is set on my end. The program I wrote will give us control of the ship in a few keystrokes.” whispered Crooked Teeth.
  857. >”Excellent!” Coke Bottle Lenses quietly exclaimed. “What about the navigation calculations?”
  858. >”Complete. Once we have control, I’ll enter them into the navigation computer. The autopilot program will then automatically optimize our track for atmospheric entry.” said a scientist with poofy hair.
  859. >Coke Bottle Lenses nodded. “And the containment zone plan?”
  860. >”Inputted and ready to execute. Once active, it will isolate the larger concentrations of the crew that are unaffected, allowing us to outnumber the remainder.” said another scientist whose face was overwhelmed with freckles.
  861. >”Perfect! We’ll execute on my signal.” remarked Coke Bottle Lenses.
  862. >He put his hand into the center of the circle they formed as they had been discussing. Others did the same. As one they raised their hands and cried out in unison “Mares!”
  863.  
  864. Cut to Ponyville:
  865. >Upon reappearing in Ponyville the crew members and officers found that they were already dressed in their loin cloths. Not just white, they were an assortment of pastel colors encrusted with gems. The the loin cloths were designed by Rarity.
  866. >Despite their uniforms being nowhere to be seen, they still had their comms badges and Data still had his detection equipment.
  867. >There was much jubilation and mouth watering as they were greeted by the town.
  868. >Riker was ecstatic and in his element, having practically been raised in a loin cloth.
  869. >Soon everypony had been paired up into teams and the competition was ready to begin. Unfortunately for Data, he was excluded since he would win every event except the joke telling contest.
  870. >But this provided an excuse for Picard. In a small meeting of his officers, Picard gave the following order to Data.
  871. “Data, I want you to continue your investigations. If we can get the ship fixed sooner that would be better. You may mill about and…have fun. But, be on task.”
  872. >”Aye, sir! You can count on me!” said Data, who was high on friendlyons.
  873. >The sound of a trumpet announced the first event, the nest making contest. Team Riker-Rarity was favored to win, but many also believed in LaForge-Coco. Worf, who was paired with Muffins for this event, was not favored to win at all.
  874. >The event kicked off and everyone was cheering as the teams jumped into making their nests. They had to make five and they would be judged based on speed, creativity/beauty, structural soundness, and ingenuity.
  875. >The crowd of mostly mares, watched intently as the rippling muscles of spacemen put together nests.
  876. >Meanwhile, Data was milling about with his backpack detector and greeting ponies as he went, by know he had filed their names in his memory banks.
  877. >”Oh, hello Roseluck!
  878. >”Hello Mr. Data! Would you like a rose?”
  879. >Why yes, thank you!”
  880. >He gave her a hug in return. He could feel the fluffiness of her fur. Then he continued on his way.
  881. >Hello Data! Come over here and have a look at my hot air balloon!”
  882. >”Hi Cherry Berry! It is fantastic!” said Data coming over
  883. >”Would you like a ride later? If we go high enough we can almost see Rainbow Falls!”
  884. >”That would be great Cherry! Maybe after the competition?”
  885. >”Oh, yes!”
  886. >Data continued on his way.
  887. >”Mr. Data! Over here!”
  888. >”Why the look of concern Torque Wrench?” said Data as he walked over.
  889. >”The train broke down! If it isn’t fixed some ponies won’t be able to get to Ponyville in time to see some of the events!”
  890. >”That would be most unfortunate” Data replied, with real concern. “How can I help?”
  891. >”Well, I found the faulty steam valve, and I have a replacement [shows him the replacement]. But I am not sure about the fasteners. I have these ones [holding up some nuts and bolts], but I’m afraid they might be the wrong alloy. If they are wrong it will lead to galvanic corrosion and eventual failure. Can you tell if they’re the right ones?”
  892. >”Certainly!”
  893. >Data took the bolts and valve in his hands and determined their volume using his highly accurate vision-distance measuring subroutine. Then he calculated a sub-nanogram precision estimate of their weight. Based on this, he calculated that the densities of the valve and bolts were identical to within 0.01 micrograms and were the same alloy to within 99.5763% probability.
  894. >”Wonderful luck, Torque. They are all the same alloy!”
  895. >”Great! Thanks Mr. Data! Now those ponies waiting to get to Ponyville won’t be sad!” said Torque before going to fix the train.
  896. >Data waved to her as she left and continued on his way. By now, he was deep in central Ponyville and there were only a few ponies in the area since most were at the event. He was checking his detection equipment, trying to find where the gradient of the friendship potential led.
  897. >He began to hear some creeping sounds behind him, but turning to look he saw nothing.
  898. >He continued walking, but the creeping sounds persisted. He looked, again nothing.
  899. >Yet again they came. This time he used his android speed to turn before the creeper could hide.
  900. >”Greetings Fluttershy, my friend! I am a bit surprised to see you here. I thought you would be at the events.” Data said with a smile.
  901. >Fluttershy was shocked for a moment, since she was discovered suddenly, but then recovered.
  902. >”Um…hello Data…I just saw you leave and was wondering where you were going…I hope that doesn’t bother you.” said the whispery mare.
  903. >”Not at all friend! I am simply following the friendship potential gradient to see where it leads.”
  904. >”May I…um…may I walk with you, if that’s ok?” asked Fluttershy.
  905. >”Absolutely! It would be nice to have company.” Data replied.
  906. >They began to walk together through Ponyville, following the beeping from Data’s detector.
  907. >”Um…If you don’t mind me saying so, you seem different than the other spacemen.”
  908. >”I am an android, an artificial being constructed in the likeness of humans. Externally, I am the same, but internally my body is run by electronics and servos.” Data explained.
  909. >”Oh…so you have the same…the same anatomy of a human…the exact same? And it all works the same?”
  910. >”Yes, my friend! I am build in the anatomical likeness of a human male with all matching functional components. I only lack in emotional capability. However, here on the surface the friendlyon flux seems to have imparted that capability to me.” Data clarified.
  911. >Fluttershy’s face brightened and she emitted a small squeak.
  912. >”That’s amazing!”
  913. >”What do you do for a job, friend?” Data asked
  914. >”Oh, I gather data on the population dynamics of all our animal friends for the Equestrian Ministry of Forests and Resources! It gives me the opportunity to take care of them too!” said Fluttershy excitedly.
  915. >Then she continued.
  916. >”You know…I, um…I’m also an amateur biologist. I already said I study animal population dynamics but, um…but I also study other things…like their mating habits.” said Fluttershy. She watched Data to see the effect of this information.
  917. >”Animal mating practices are indeed fascinating, Fluttershy.”
  918. >Fluttershy emitted another squeak.
  919. >Then Data stopped and looked at his screen in confusion.
  920. >”What’s wrong Data?” Fluttershy asked.
  921. >”It appears I have lost track of the friendship potential gradient. I do not know which way to go from this point.”
  922. >Fluttershy grinned slyly as a cleaver idea took hold of her. It was an idea and a hunch.
  923. >”Um…Data, I think I might know where the source of that potential thingy is…I could show you, if that would be ok with you…that is.” Fluttershy said, hoping Data would say yes.
  924. >”Fluttershy, that would be fantastic! Lead on!”
  925. >Another squeak.
  926. >”Follow me then, Mr. Data.” she said, a little more whispery than normal.
  927. >They turned and proceeded in the direction of the Everfree Forest.
  928.  
  929. Cut to the Enterprise:
  930. >Dr. Crusher was in the infirmary tending to patients, because why wouldn’t she be, when the #1 Multichannel Circuit clicked on. Someone was about to make an announcement.
  931. >”Ehem…Mares!….Attention crew of the Enterprise. We, the Pony Boys have taken over the ship. All controls have been routed to us in the Science Lab and we are in control of all its systems! We know that there are beautiful, pleasant ponies down on the Equestrian surface waiting for us to come and be their friends. They have visited most of us in our dreams, beckoning and encouraging us to come down. We can withstand it no longer! Yet, we are held prisoner on this ship, prevented from achieving true happiness with cute ponies! Now that we are in charge, we will be the vector for you to realize your pony dreams! In a few short hours, we will take the ship to the surface, where we can live ever more with cute, fluffy, mares! Imagine the wholesomeness! Any that wish to join us may freely do so. Those that oppose will be quarantined in the containment field zones we have already set up throughout the ship. And no funny business! You know you’re outnumbered! Soon we shall commence the countdown timer, a countdown to destiny! That is all!…Mares!”
  932. >”Oh fuck!” said Dr. Crusher as she looked at her assistant, an officer named ENS Droog. She clicked her comms badge, which somehow was tuned to only reach the captain even though everyone on board had the same type of badge.
  933. >”Captain come in, it’s Dr. Crusher…”
  934. >No answer.
  935. >”Captain?…” Dr. Crusher looked concerned. “ENS Droog, try your comms badge.”
  936. >He did, several times. No answer.
  937. >”They must have cut out the comms transponders!” Dr. Crusher declared.
  938. >Dr. Crusher rushed out of the infirmary and down the passageway. At the first T-junction she was stopped by two crew members with phaser rifles. They were wearing pastel dyed bedsheets in toga fashion.
  939. >”Mares? Mares!” said one, pointing a rifle at her.
  940. >”Mares, mares, mares.” said the other as he finished installing a device on the bulkhead that cast a force field that blocked the way.
  941. >Dr. Crusher could proceed no further that way. As they smirked at her, she turned and ran down another way, only to meet a similar situation.
  942. >Having tried all available corridors, she concluded that she and her medical staff were trapped.
  943.  
  944. Cut to the Science Lab:
  945. >Everyone in the Science Lab were similarly wearing pastel bedsheet togas.
  946. >”Pony Boys? Really?” said Overwhelming Freckles sarcastically.
  947. >”It just came to me. We need some kind of name; all great groups have a snazzy name!” said Coke Bottle Lenses.
  948. >”Yes, but why not Horse Men? Surely that is snazzier.” asked Crooked Teeth.
  949. >”That wouldn’t make sense! We are interested in ponies, not horses!” replied Pocket Protector. “But I agree, Pony Boys is a terrible name. Besides, isn’t it the name of character from a late 20th century dime novel?”
  950. >”It doesn’t matter! Once we get to the surface, we won’t call ourselves Pony Boys anymore because we will achieve infinite happiness!” Coke Bottle Lenses rebuked.
  951. >Then Coke Bottle Lenses turned to Poofy Hair.
  952. >”Have the navigation calculations been entered?”
  953. >”Just finishing now.” said Poofy Hair. After a moment of the computer beeping and booping, he added “It will take six hours until automatic atmospheric entry and landing.”
  954. >”Excellent! MWHA HA HA HA HA!”
  955. >”Why are you laughing like that?” asked Crooked Teeth.
  956. >”Doofus! That’s how you’re supposed to laugh when executing a complex plan.” replied Overwhelming Freckles.
  957. >Coke Bottle Lenses started the laugh again and one by one they all joined in.
  958. >In a separate corner of the lab, LT Friendly, the scientist who had first identified the friendlyon particles, looked on in concern.
  959. >He was unaffected by the particles, but when the Science 5 had begun plotting he knew he would be outnumbered. He reasoned that his best bet would be to try and thwart their plans from within rather than direct confrontation.
  960. >’I must isolate a comms circuit and inform the captain! Since most of the crew on and off the surface are out of their minds on friendship, we will need the help of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna as well. Also, I must contact Dr. Crusher.’ LT Friendly thought to himself while trying to look nonchalant.
  961.  
  962. Cut to the competition taking place on the outskirts of Ponyville:
  963. >Meanwhile, Captain Picard and his crew were having fun and making friends at the competition.
  964. >To everyone’s surprise LaForge and Coco Pommel won the nest making competition, probably because LaForge’s visor gave him a greater ability to assess the structural soundness of the nests he and Coco made. Rarity, being a lady, gracefully accepted defeat.
  965. >There followed a succession of other events with team reshuffles in between. Relay racing, push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, barrel racing, mud wrestling, precision pie tossing, food fight, joke telling, and barn raising, were just some of the the events.
  966. >Riker and Lyra won at truffle shuffling. Riker’s muscular jiggling caused many mares to swoon. Riker went on to win first at mud wrestling, much to the delight of all mares present.
  967. >LaForge and Rainbowshine completely dominated the horseshoe toss and cupcake eating contest.
  968. >Worf and Junebug took first in plate spinning and spoon-on-nosing.
  969. >Muffins and LT Mous won the slapstick and adorable human-pony pose contests.
  970. >Picard and Twilight surprisingly won the joke telling contest. For an old guy, Picard knew a surprising number of good jokes. That, combined with Twilight’s goofy faces turned out to be a winning combo.
  971. >All were happy and the air was thick and juicy with friendship. But little did Picard and his crew know that above them on the Enterprise, pony friendship depravation was leading to collective insanity.
  972.  
  973. Cut to Data and Fluttershy in the Everfree Forest:
  974. >Data and Fluttershy had been walking for some time and now they were approaching a rock ridge with a small valley down below.
  975. >Fluttershy felt her hunch proven more and more correct with each step. As they got closer, Data was getting friendlier and friendlier.
  976. >”This is so wonderful Fluttershy! Here we are in the lovely forest with the stars shining down upon us! It is magical and I think that you are my very best friend!” said Data, out of his mind under the influence of friendlyons. “And look! My equipment says the friendlyon flux is getting stronger! We must be on the right track! I thank you, friend!”
  977. >”You’re my best friend too, Data! You’re exactly the person I wanted to spend this night with! I knew from the moment I saw you!” Fluttershy beamed. She was overjoyed that her theory was proving correct.
  978. >Fluttershy stopped at the edge of the ridge.
  979. >”What is that on the other side of the ridge, my wonderful and dearest friend?” asked Data, pointing to some ruins.
  980. >”That’s the ruins of the Two Sister’s Castle. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna used to live and rule there long ago.” Then she looked up at Data. “Um…you know, there are some things that are better…even better than friendship!”
  981. >”If there is anything better than friendship, I want that!” said Data with giant smile.
  982. >Fluttershy’s eyes opened wide and she let out a cute squeak.
  983. >”C’mon! I’ll show you!” Fluttershy said as she led him down the stairs to a cavern entrance below the ruins.
  984. >There in the cavern, Data was astonished to see a tree made of crystal, shinning and glimmering in the dark. He held aloft his detection equipment. It made really happy technological noises.
  985. >”I believe this is either a major source or friendlyons or a primary conduit! Fascinating!”
  986. >Fluttershy felt ecstatic that one part of her hunch was correct. The Tree of Harmony was the potential thingy Data was looking for. Now she wanted to verify the other part.
  987. >”Data…uh, how do you feel?” she asked.
  988. >”I feel…overwhelmed by feelings of friendship. Before Equestria, I never felt emotions. But I am sure that the feelings of friendship I feel now are more powerful than any normal friendship.” said Data. “I feel somewhat tingly.”
  989. >”When friendship between ponies gets strong enough…it turns into love” Fluttershy said as she rubbered her check against Data’s leg. “Then…um…then, when that happens…ponies start their mating habits.”
  990. >”Is that so.” Data said, as the tingly feeling began to feel localized.
  991. >”There are many ways but…but one goes like this.” said Fluttershy as she walked into Data’s view, looked back at him over her body with seductive look, and swished her tail to one side to give him a better view.
  992. >Data’s positronic mind was overwhelmed with feelings he could not identify and he could only stare.
  993. >Fluttershy now knew the other part of her hunch was correct. In the presence of the Tree of Harmony, even Data’s logical mind was overcome by intense feelings of love and friendship, rendering him susceptible to suggestion. She now had him in her control, and she would exploit it.
  994. >”I don’t know about humans, but maybe…if you don’t mind…I can show you what I think would be a human mating habit…I mean based on how your anatomy is.” Fluttershy said as she walked up to Data.
  995. >Having reached him, she took his zipper in her teeth and pulled it down slowly. In went her tongue, feeling its way to the target.
  996. >Data was paralyzed, but presently his mind could only accomplish one calculation.
  997. >”Under the circumstances, I suppose a sharing of information of mating practices would be appropriate. Perhaps a demonstration? My mind has many techniques on file. Based on the difference in our physiology, I believe love-making sequence #127, with slight modifications, would be very enjoyable for both of us.” Data said
  998. >”Mmm Hmm.” was Fluttershy’s only response, because her mouth was full.
  999. >Data took that as a yes, and there in the cavern of the Tree of Harmony, under its loving glow, Fluttershy and Data executed love-making sequence #127 with modifications.
  1000.  
  1001. Many moments later:
  1002. >Data and Fluttershy were laying together on some soft moss in the afterglow of their lovemaking.
  1003. >”Data, that was amazing! You were so…powerful.” said Fluttershy as she snuggled up closer. “Mmmmm! We should do it again…I mean before you leave in your cosmic palace.”
  1004. >Data had activated his internal heaters to keep Fluttershy cozy as she snuggled.
  1005. >”Yes, it is possible that we could again, depending on when the ship is fixed. Fluttershy, I have never had this experience before. It was wonderful! I’m glad I could share it with you!”
  1006. >Fluttershy’s response was to hug him tighter and let out a squeak.
  1007. >However, they soon got up since Data needed to return and report his findings. After picking up his equipment, he noticed some unusual readings.
  1008. >”Curious. It would seem that the friendship potential underwent a jump increase while we were making love.”
  1009. >”Um…I think that’s a good thing…I mean, we used a lot of energy and now,…we’re more than friends.”
  1010. >”Yes! More than friends! And that would explain the anomaly I detected at the tea party as well. I must inform the captain.”
  1011. >While Data spoke, another cunning thought was on Fluttershy’s mind. Eventually, he would need to go, but their relationship could be made permanent.
  1012. >”Let’s go then! But on the way there’s something I want to show you; a beautiful underground lake, surrounded by lovely glowing underground flora! It will only take a minute…if that’s ok with you”
  1013. >”I think we have time for that!”
  1014. >Fluttershy smiled ever so sweetly.
  1015.  
  1016. Cut to Ponyville:
  1017. >The competitions had wrapped up and Celestia was making a speech about how wonderful it was to build intergalactic friendship with their guests from space.
  1018. >At the end of the speech there was great applause and hoof stomping.
  1019. >Picard, being in a good mood after finally making some friends, had granted permission for the crew to have some extra time in Ponyville before returning to the ship for the evening.
  1020. >The crew members, once again wearing their dress uniforms, now dispersed to enjoy the evening with their pony friends.
  1021. >”Captain, would you like to see my library?” Twilight asked.
  1022. “Yes, I think I would very much like that.”
  1023. >”Wonderful! I can’t wait to show you my literature section. I think you’ll be very impressed! It’s only unfortunate you can’t read Ponish.” said Twilight.
  1024. >They both walked through Ponyville to her home.
  1025.  
  1026. Cut to the Mirror Pool:
  1027. >”This pool is rather amazing! Also, I have never seen underground plant life that glows as strongly as this.” Data said as he admired.
  1028. >”Um…some ponies say the water is so clear you can see straight to the bottom!”
  1029. >Data leaned over to look and Fluttershy gave him a surreptitious nudge.
  1030. >”Oops!” said Fluttershy as Data crashed into the water. Not even his super speedy servos were effective enough to save him from the disruption to his static equilibrium.
  1031. >”Oh, I’m so clumsy. I’m sorry, Data” said Fluttershy as she gave him her hoof to help him out.
  1032. >”Well, no harm done friend! Luckily, I am entirely waterproof!”
  1033. >”All the same, we had better get going! Mustn’t keep your captain waiting for your report!” Fluttershy said as she hurried him along, so he would not see the result of falling into the pool.
  1034. >Data picked up his equipment and walked after her.
  1035. >”Yes, you are correct. The captain will be most interested in the discovery of what the anomaly is. Previously he said he would like to duplicate it.” Data explained.
  1036. >Fluttershy stopped momentarily and looked at Data with an icky face.
  1037. >”He would? But…um, what pony would want…erhm, would want to duplicate with him…the anomaly, I mean? Because…well, he’s so old! Well, never mind. We had better hurry!”
  1038. >After they had made it some distance from the cavern entrance on their way back to Ponyville, Fluttershy made an excuse.
  1039. >Oh! I think I dropped something in the cave! Data, will you…will you wait here moment?”
  1040. >Of course friend! Can I come assist you?”
  1041. >”No. I’ll only be a moment.” Fluttershy said as she trotted back.
  1042. >Back in the cave, Fluttershy arrived in time for the new Data to emerge from the water.
  1043. >”Hello friend!” he said. “Do you know who I am?”
  1044. >This New Data was different. He was made of flesh and bone. Apparently, the mirror pool did not know how to fabricate electronics and synthetic materials. Maybe that’s why it took him so long to emerge; the pool had to figure out substitute materials.
  1045. >”You’re name is Data! You’re…um, my husband! And…um, you fell and hit your head in the water.” Fluttershy said. “Do you remember your job?”
  1046. >”I do not.” New Data said, shaking his head.
  1047. >”Do you…do you remember about propulsion?” Fluttershy asked.
  1048. >Data made a ponderous face and then rattled off a multitude of equations and principles.
  1049. >”How did I know those?” He asked.
  1050. >”It’s always been your hobby, my love!” said a soothing Fluttershy. She felt reassured.
  1051. >”I see. What now?” New Data asked.
  1052. >”I know it’s not nice…but will you wait here for a while? I’ll be back in a little bit, and then…we’ll go home together…and I’ll take care of you, if that’s ok.” Fluttershy said.
  1053. >”Anything for my lovely wife!” New Data said with a big warm smile. Then he kissed her on the cheek, eliciting an excited squeak.
  1054. >”I’ll be back then!” said Fluttershy as she trotted back to Data. “Just don’t go swimming!”
  1055. >”I will not.” he called after her.
  1056. >Fluttershy returned to normal Data and they continued to walk to Ponyville. Halfway between the edge of the forest and the town, Fluttershy excused herself on the pretext that she was going to go home.
  1057. >Data gave her a warm goodbye and continued into town, looking for Picard.
  1058. >Actually, Fluttershy went to fetch her new husband.
  1059.  
  1060. Cut to the Enterprise Science Lab:
  1061. >Under the guise of developing an algorithm that optimally matched crew members with ponies, LT Friendly had been busy isolating a comms circuit.
  1062. >Luckily for LT Friendly, the others had gone to the holodeck and he was alone in the lab.
  1063. >Finally, he managed to gain control of a transponder.
  1064. >”Captain, come in please. This is LT Friendly.”
  1065. “Go ahead, LT Friendly. This is Captain Picard.”
  1066. >”Terrible news, captain. The ship has been hijacked by those affected with the pony madness. They are in control of all the systems and they have imprisoned the unaffected. They intend to land the ship on Equestria!”
  1067. “Damnation!” uttered Picard. “Can you access the transporter room?”
  1068. >”Negative. They have set up security checkpoints everywhere. Even if I could, the leaders of the rebellion have locked out the system. It would take me hours to bypass their algorithms.”
  1069. “LT Friendly, continue to do what you can. We will come up with a plan down here. How much time until the ship is to enter the atmosphere?”
  1070. >”About five hours, captain” LT Friendly replied.
  1071. “Very well, work to regain control of the navigation system and re-establish a stable orbit.” Picard instructed.
  1072. >No answer.
  1073. “LT Friendly? Respond.”
  1074. >But there was no answer and in a moment Picard’s voice was no more heard in the science lab, for Crooked Teeth had a phaser pointed in LT Friendly’s face and had switched off the comms circuit.
  1075. >”So, you have betrayed us. A turncoat, eh? You will never know the bliss of having pony friends! Clearly it is beyond your comprehension!”
  1076. >Crooked Teeth motioned with the phaser for LT Friendly to move. At phaser point, he took LT Friendly down the corridor to the Holodeck.
  1077. >As they entered, LT Friendly was astonished. The Pony Boys had established a sort of governmental shrine to ponies. Surrounded by romanesque architecture, columns, statues, and fountains of ponies, there was a raised platform with a throne. Upon it sat Coke Bottle Lenses. On a lower platform there were four lesser thrones for the the other Pony Boys members. There was a cheap special-effect fog rolling across the ground and many tiki torches. There were pastel toga wearing crew members all over.
  1078. >”Look who I found trying to contact the captain!” cried Crooked Teeth.
  1079. >”What!? Bring him forth!” said Coke Bottle Lenses as he dramatically came to his feet amongst gasping cries of “Mares?” from the bystanders.
  1080. >”You people are crazy! This is madness!” bellowed LT Friendly angrily.
  1081. >Coke Bottle Lenses nodded with a smile.
  1082. >”Madness? THIS IS FRIENDSHIP!” yelled Coke Bottle Lenses. Then sitting down, he said calmly, but with a sinister sneer, “ You punishment shall be infinite tickles and nose boops until you embrace the righteous friendship of mares! Take him to THE CHAMBER!”
  1083. >The crowd chanted “Mares! Mares! Mares!” as LT Friendly was taken away struggling.
  1084.  
  1085. Cut to Twilight’s Library in Ponyville:
  1086. >Picard, tried a few more times to connect to LT Friendly before giving up. He turned to Twilight, who was naturally curious about what was going on.
  1087. >”Captain, has there been a coup d’etat in your cosmic palace?”
  1088. “In a manner speaking, yes Miss Sparkle. Now, I must figure out how to reverse it.” Picard said as he ran a hand over his cue ball.
  1089. >”That’s terrible!” said Twilight as she pulled out a scroll, an ink, bottle, and a quill.
  1090. “What are you doing?”
  1091. >”I’m making a checklist!” Twilight said with a big smile. “Step one, start a checklist...Done!...Step two, gather the mane 6. Step three…”
  1092. “Gather my officers.” Picard interrupted.
  1093. >”Step three, gather the captain’s officers. Step four, come up with a plan. Step five, start a new checklist for the plan. Step six, execute the plan!” Twilight smiled brightly to herself and then trotted out the door. “Be right back!”
  1094. “W-wait!” he started, but she was already gone to gather her friends.
  1095. >She was a strange mare, but Picard did admire her efficiency and organization. He decided to go look for his officers personally.
  1096. >He flung open the door and took a step only to run headlong into Data. The impact sent him stumbling back.
  1097. >”Sir! Are you alright?”
  1098. “Yes, fine Data. But we do have problems. The Enterprise has been hijacked by a rogue group of crew members obsessed with landing the ship on Equestiria!”
  1099. >”Captain, that would be most unfortunate. The Enterprise is not designed to land on planet surfaces. Once landed, it is unlikely we would be able to return it to orbit.” Explained Data
  1100. “Yes, we must stop that from happening. Right now Miss Sparkle is gathering her friends. We need to find our officers.”
  1101. >”In that case, I would suggest we wait until she arrives with her friends. She will have a better idea of where her friends are and they will likely have knowledge of the whereabouts of the the officers. It would be better to enlist their help once they arrive.”
  1102. “Very well, Data.” said Picard, conceding the point but feeling anxious nevertheless.
  1103. >They both went inside the library, but they did not wait long before a flash of light announced that Twilight and her friends arrived, minus Fluttershy as Twilight was unable to locate her.
  1104. >Picard explained the situation.
  1105. >”Well, that’s dreadful darling, truly! But what can we do?” Rarity asked.
  1106. >”We could have a party?” Pinkie suggested with a shrug.
  1107. >”Ugh! That’s your answer to everything, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash broke in.
  1108. >”Yeah, I reckon a party ain’t gonna amount to a lick of help here!” said the country hick.
  1109. “Yes, we need a real solution. Twilight, can you teleport us to the Enterprise?”
  1110. >”I’ve never teleported so many so far. I would need the help of Princess Luna or Celestia, just to be safe. I do know where Princess Luna is…” Twilight started, but she was interrupted by Data.
  1111. >”Ha! Actually, a party is an excellent idea!”
  1112. “What!” said Picard and Twilight together with matching surprised faces.
  1113. >”Sir, have a look at the friendship potential output graph. It has been increasing at a phenomenal rate in the last 1.5 hours and we are near the theoretical threshold for the restoration spell. However, only half of the crew is currently engaged in making friendships. The other half is on board the Enterprise.”
  1114. “Exactly what are you suggesting, Data? And what explains this sudden surge in friendship potential? This increase seems to mimic what we saw at the tea party on a much larger scale.”
  1115. >Both Picard and Twilight were examining the graph. The others had no idea about what they were looking at.
  1116. >”I am suggesting we should have a fantastic friendship party on the Enterprise! Instead of fighting the rogue crew members we can win them to our side. If we teleport ourselves and a large number of ponies to the Enterprise, the ensuing party will win the friendship of the rogue members, end the mutiny, and potentially push the friendship potential past the threshold.” Data said enthusiastically.
  1117. “Of all the hair-brained schemes…” started Picard, but Data continued.
  1118. >”To answer your question regarding the nature of the sudden increase, I believe it would be appropriate to use a euphemism; a 20th century euphemism to be precise. In short, our crew members have been doing the hanky-panky with mares all over Ponyville.”
  1119. >Picard’s eye’s opened wide in shock as his prudish sensibility was violated.
  1120. >”Whatever do you mean by hanky-panky, my dear android?” Rarity asked, perplexed.
  1121. >With a silly grin and raising both eyebrows repeatedly, Data made a gesture with his forefinger and a loop made by the thumb and forefinger of his other hand.
  1122. > Now it was Twilight’s turn to be perplexed, being the clueless virgin that she was.
  1123. >Instantly understanding Data's meaning, Rarity responded smugly, ”Oh! Yes, well that’s hardly unexpected, you know. Have you seen how few stallions there are in Equestria? They’re practically extinct! For some mares, it may be their only opportunity to do the hanky-panky, as it t’were.” Rarity tossed her lovely hair when she finished speaking.
  1124. “Data, are you saying the crew of the Enterprise has been having relations with ponies!”
  1125. >”Oh, yes sir! A lot!” said Data as he pointed to the graph. “To be fair, I believe you said you would like to have the anomaly duplicated to minimize time to restoration spell threshold”
  1126. “Data, that’s not what I had intended. There are significant ethical issues here related to deviancy! Starfleet will hardly accept this!”
  1127. >Meanwhile, comprehension had finally dawned on Twilight. She was absolutely astonished. But then a thought occurred to her and she jumped in before Data could respond.
  1128. >”Wait! Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie. Have you been doing the hanky-panky too?!” Twilight asked, making air quotes with her hooves around the euphemistic words.
  1129. >”A lady does not kiss and tell, my dear.” said Rarity with a sly smile.
  1130. >”Well, I did a fine hanky-panky with one of them spacemen in a backroom at the tea party. Showed him what these apple buck’in hips can really do!” declared Applejack.
  1131. >”Oh my! You didn’t hurt the poor fellow I hope!” gasped Rarity.
  1132. >”Nah, he’ll be fine in a day or two.” said Applejack, waving the concern away with her hoof.
  1133. >”Nice one AJ! I did one for sport up in one of the towers! It was awesome!” said Rainbow Dash.
  1134. >Applejack gave her a hoof bump.
  1135. >”Uh, Twilight. You remember that big mess of cake you asked me about? The one I threw away? The reason may not have been that I dropped it. It might have been that I used it for hanky-panky with a spaceman.” said Pinkie, nervously tapping her hooves together.
  1136. >Twilight’s draw dropped. Then she sat back on her haunches. Then her eyes got watery.
  1137. >”How come no spaceman wanted to do the hanky-panky with me?” asked Twilight to nopony in particular, as a tear rolled down her cheek. She still did the air quotes with her hooves. She felt rejected and unwanted.
  1138. >While Pinkie and Rarity gave Twilight a true hug of friendship to console her, Data took the opportunity to expound Starfleet regulation in response to Picard’s assertion.
  1139. >”Captain, Starfleet regulation does allow for sexual relationships between crew members and alien species per STARFLTINST 4567.89J, section 5, paragraph 3, subparagraph d. However, that is provided both participants give mutual consent and that both participants pass the Harkness Test per Annex K of the same instruction. As an example, Captain Kirk was known to have had more alien pussy, humanoid and non-humanoid, than any other human in recorded history. Luckily for him, that all occurred after the human race had mastered transporter sanitation filters as a means of removing contagious pathogens from the body.” explained Data.
  1140. >Picard was exasperated, but he knew better than to challenge Data when it came to exact interpretation of Starfleet regulations. He had been down that path before.
  1141. “Very well, Data. That still leaves us with how to get to the Enterprise.” Turning to Twilight, he had a twinge of heartfelt sympathy for his friend. “Are you alright Miss Sparkle?”
  1142. >”I’m ok now. It helps to have friends!” Twilight said as she wiped away the last tear. “I think we should get the help of Princess Luna to teleport all of us. I’ll go talk to her. She’s at the Cider Barrel with LT Worf, I think. One of you girls should go get Fluttershy and the rest of you should gather up as many mares as possible.”
  1143. >What she hadn’t mentioned was that during the hug Rarity whispered into her ear that she would help set Twilight up with a spaceman. Also, Pinkie had whispered, ‘It’s alright Twilight. You kinda had intellectual brain sex with Picard when you were showing him your library!’
  1144. >”I’ll go get Fluttershy. Anyone else will take too long!” said Rainbow Dash.
  1145. >”Gathering up more mares shouldn’t be a problem, darling. There is still a strong thirst, so to speak.” said Rarity with a salacious smile.
  1146. >”I’ll get the party supplies together!” offered Pinkie.
  1147. >”Yee haw! Let’s get this roundup started!” added Applejack.
  1148. >”Ok! I’ll update the checklist and manage everything! Ready brake!” said Twilight, now fully recovered.
  1149. >Off they went.
  1150. >Separately, Picard and Data concluded that gathering up the other officers wouldn’t be necessary.
  1151.  
  1152. Cut to ruins of the Castle of The Two Sisters:
  1153. >While copious copulation was happening all throughout Ponyville. Princess Celestia and LT Mous had been spending time together.
  1154. >Celestia had taken a liking to LT Mous at the tea party and had invited him to see some of her favorite locations in the Everfree Forest, after the competitions got started in Ponyville.
  1155. >A forest glen full of flowers, the shores of a small lake, a cliff overlooking a magnificent waterfall, and other locations. LT Mous had noted how different they were from the environs of Earth; equally if not more beautiful.
  1156. >A moment ago, they arrived at the ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters.
  1157. >”So you ruled from here before moving the government to Canterlot? Why the change?” Mous asked.
  1158. >”You would not believe it, but long ago my sister had turned to evil. The conflict that ensued resulted in me banishing her to the moon for a thousand years.” Celestia paused a moment and then continued. “After that, it didn’t feel like home anymore. So, I made the decision to move the capital to Canterlot.
  1159. >Mous’s eyes opened wide.
  1160. >”She does not seem like the evil type at all Princess Celestia. And you have been ruling for over a thousand years? Are you and Princess Luna immortal then?”
  1161. >”She has changed significantly since she returned; she’s the opposite of evil. She’s my sister and I love her. There’s not another pony I trust more. Yes, over a thousand years. More than two thousand actually. Princess Luna and I are immortal in a manner of speaking. It’s complicated.”
  1162. >Mous was admiring the remnants of old mosaics and pillars as they walked through the ruins. He was also admiring Celestia.
  1163. >Celestia was admiring Mous, and was aware that he was admiring her.
  1164. >”What about you Mr. Mous? What made you join Starfleet and go bouncing around the heavens?” Celestia asked.
  1165. >”Well, I had no close living relatives left on earth; so no ties. Plus, I never really fit in there. So, joining was a means to escape more than anything. I liked the sciences and my talent for languages made me ideal as a communications officer. I’m just a sort of wanderer Princess; looking for a place to be.”
  1166. >They stopped in the center of the former throne room.
  1167. >”I’m glad that you wandered into this part of the galaxy Mr. Mous!” Celestia said. Then she gave him a sidelong glance. “Would you like a more intimate tour of the palace at Canterlot?”
  1168. >”Yes! I would love that Princess!”
  1169. >”You can just call me Celestia. Forgive me, but I still do not know your first name.” she
  1170. >”Oh, it’s Anon, Anon E. Mous.” said LT Mous.
  1171.  
  1172. Cut to Ponyville town square:
  1173. >Princess Twilight had managed to find Princess Luna at the Cider Barrel. Curiously, she was not even slightly drunk, even though she had quite a few mugs of cider. Worf, on the other hand, was too drunk to go on the expedition. Twilight and Luna had deposited him at Twilight's library, where he was now sleeping it off, before moving on to the town square.
  1174. >Fluttershy, who had taken New Data to her cottage and put him to bed, rejoined the others. Together with Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash, she had helped gather up numerous willing mares.
  1175. >Pinkie had pulled out all the stops. She had gathered balloons, ribbons, banners, party favors, rubber chickens, lawn games, gags, snacks, and other party equipment. Also, she brought ammunition: several party cannons with plenty of confetti shells, cream pies for tossing at adversaries, banana peal launchers and several barrels of banana peals, and other devices. As volunteer mares arrived, she was training them on the proper use of the equipment. However, only those with prior experience making balloon animals were allotted a supply of balloons.
  1176. >Twilight and Applejack managed the organization of the mares into party squads and platoons, with a leader selected for each. They also verified proper distribution of equipment.
  1177. >Rarity fretted that she didn’t have time to make fashionable uniforms for everypony. Though, she did manage to whip up some terribly fashionable war paint to decorate the pony volunteers.
  1178. >Fluttershy brought her acrobatic racoons and rabbits, as well as some juggling bears, each with a backpack to hold their juggling balls, pins, pinecones, honeycombs, fish, or whatever else.
  1179. >Picard and Data prepared a map of the Enterprise on a scroll. Actually, Data reproduced the map in great detail using his android superpowers. While all the preparations where happening, they were planning strategy with Princess Luna. Basically, different squads would be teleported to different parts of the ship, opening multiple fronts at once to divide and conquer the Pony Boy forces.
  1180. >Once everything was ready Princess Luna addressed the contingent.
  1181. >”Friends, ponies, Equestrians, lend me your ears! I hereby take command of this expeditionary friendship strike force with Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie as my direct lieutenants. As you know, the cosmic palace of our good space friends has been hijacked. I look out among you and I see your iron resolve! Excellent! We will need every ounce of bravery! We will conduct a direct friendship assault on adversary forces! We shall prevail, and the enemy will fall under the boot of our friendship! Your squad leaders have the details and will brief you on the particulars. Be ready to teleport in 15 min! For the glory of Equestria!”
  1182. >There was thunderous hoof clapping and stomping accompanied by ‘Yays!’ ‘Woohoos!’ and ‘Hooyas!’ Some mares did cartwheels of excitement, others did flips, Trixie pulled one of Flutterhsy’s rabbits out of her hat.
  1183. >Their morale was ironclad. They were unstoppable.
  1184.  
  1185. About 15 min. later:
  1186. >Everypony stood together by squad and platoon as Luna once again addressed the Expeditionary Friendship Strike Force, her lieutenants, Picard, and Data at her side.
  1187. >”Everypony prepare yourselves! As a final note, stay close to the unicorn in your squad. Just in case the enemy attacks with energy beams, the unicorn can create a shield. Our greatest weapon will be friendship and cuteness! So cute like you’ve never cute’ed before! Teleporting in three, two, one!”
  1188. >Luna activated her horn and in a glittery flash accompanied by a mystical sound, the scrumptiously cute shock troops in their little booties, vivid multi-color war paint, adorable helmets, and saddle packs full of party munitions vanished.
  1189.  
  1190. Cut to the Enterprise:
  1191. >Suddenly party squads appeared all over the ship.
  1192. >Minty’s 2nd Squad, 3rd Platoon saw action first in the forward defense field array compartment.
  1193. >”Look!” said a green pastel toga as he leveled his phaser rifle in confusion.
  1194. >But the squad was too quick. A pegasus leveled a confetti cannon and pulled the string. The air filled with brightly colored strips of paper.
  1195. >”Weeeeeee!” said the green toga, as he dropped his rifle.
  1196. >”Yippie!” said another, as he put down his rife and proceeded to frolic in the falling confetti.
  1197. >The squad made cute poses, and did cute things like scrunch their noses. Soon they were playing frisbee with the toga boys in the compartment.
  1198. >Blossomforth’s 3rd squad, 7th Platoon came out swinging in the hangar bay, clobbering the togas there with cream pies.
  1199. >’Splat!’ ‘Splat!’ ‘Splat!’ went the pies as the snipers of the squad scored successive head shots.
  1200. >”Mmmmm! Banana cream! That’s my favorite!” said a pink toga.
  1201. >”Yeah! Mine’s lemon!” said a yellow one.
  1202. >”Look! Those mares wanna play keep-away with that ball! Let’s join them!” said a purple one.
  1203. >”Yay! Mares!” they squealed in delight.
  1204. >In the vastness of the engineering compartments, Amethyst Star’s Special Operations squad split up and took out the togas one by one or in small numbers.
  1205. >One jumped out in front of a pair of togas swinging a rubber chicken, immobilizing them with laughter.
  1206. >Another managed to place a tactical whoopi cushion, being sure that the ‘this side toward enemy’ label was facing up, on a chair just as a toga sat with his comrades. In the ensuing chaos, she jumped on the table wearing a pair of gag googgly eyes and did a terrifically silly dance. It neutralized them immediately.
  1207. >Still another crept up on a squad of togas and took them all down with her high repetition gatling banana peal launcher.
  1208. >When they got up she was looking at them with puppy dog eyes, sitting on her haunches, and holding a croquet hammer in her mouth.
  1209. >”A mare! Look fellas! She wants to play croquet with us!” said an orange toga.
  1210. >”That’s legend! Mares! Let’s play!” said a blue one.
  1211. >In short, raging friendship battles were taking place all over the ship.
  1212. >At the Expeditionary Friendship Strike Force command center in the starboard communications compartment #1, each of the Mane 6 were busy with different aspects of the operation.
  1213. >Pinkie was directing party logistics and munitions movements.
  1214. >”What! How can they be out of balloons and whoopi cushions? I gave them, like, a billion at least!” said Pinkie
  1215. >”I just don’t understand how it could happen.” said Derpy, the 4th Platoon messenger.
  1216. >”Ok, take these cans of surprise springy snakes cleverly disguised as peanuts instead.”
  1217. >”Ok!” Derpy said with a smile as she trotted way with the munitions.
  1218. >Rarity was busy giving orders on the decoration of captured enemy territory for the forthcoming party.
  1219. >”No no. Use the sparkly red ribbon for the Engineeing compartment, darling. It matches their traditional engineering color!” said Rarity.
  1220. >”Rarity? How about these gems to hang in the bridge? I thought they would nicely capture the pulsating lights for the rave part of the party.” asked Lily Lace.
  1221. >”Certainly, and excellent choice! However, add more citrines and rubies.” Rarity concluded.
  1222. >Applejack and Rainbow Dash were directing troop movements and sometimes arguing.
  1223. >”3rd and 7th squads of 5th Platoon outta go to aft berthing compartment I tells ya! There’s a whole gaggle of togas holed up there!” Applejack said with a frown.
  1224. >”And I say they should secure the galley and set up a perimeter! If not, where are we gonna put all these cupcakes!” Rainbow argued
  1225. >”The galley won’t be secure anyways unless we friendship that there berthing gaggle!”
  1226. >”Galley!”
  1227. >”Berthing!”
  1228. >Peach Melba, the 5th Platoon messenger, offered a solution. “What if one squad goes to berthing, and the other goes to the galley?”
  1229. >”Yeah!” said Rainbow and Applejack together, with a hoof bump to seal the deal.
  1230. >Twilight Sparkle was not there. She was on special mission with three squads from 6th Platoon to seek out and neutralize the Pony Boys gang leadership. She had brought specialized weapons for the task.
  1231. >”Fluttershy, meanwhile, was on station with her Special Animal Friends Operational Units. Under her leadership, Trixie and a band of raccoons had commandeered the ship’s theater and were putting on a combined pet tricks and magic show.
  1232. >”Did you see that! That bear actually climbed into Trixie’s hat and vanished!” said a green toga with a mighty mustache.
  1233. >”She really is great and powerful!”
  1234. >”Shut up! Look! The raccoons are about to chain Trixie up and she’s gonna magically escape!”
  1235. >”Ooooooo!” they said in unison as the chains suddenly fell to pieces.
  1236. >Amongst the applause, Fluttershy could see that things were well-in-hoof here. Together with JoJo, her most trusted bear sidekick, she slipped out. She had other business to attend to.
  1237. >”C’mon JoJo, we have that special operation to do.” Fluttershy whispered to her bear friend.
  1238.  
  1239. Cut to Picard, Data, and Luna at the command center:
  1240. >”Captian, all platoons have reported. We hold 75% of the ship! Parties are breaking out all over!” Luna said excitedly.
  1241. >”That is not all, captian. The friendship potential is increasing rapidly and we are approaching threshold!”
  1242. “This is certainly excellent news!” said Picard, glad that all this nonsense would soon be over.
  1243. >He looks down at the map of the ship.
  1244. “What sections remain to be taken then?”
  1245. >”This section here, and those two over there.” Luna said, pointing her hoof.
  1246. >”The first section are the scientific laboratories. I believe that is where the Pony Gang has their headquarters.” Data explained.
  1247. >”Yes, and Twilight Sparkle is on her way there now with three of our most elite squads. Once they are neutralized, the other two sectors will fall without a struggle.” Luna added.
  1248. “I must say, I did not expect this plan to work so well. I apologize for doubting it, Princess Luna.”
  1249. >”The power of friendship is often underestimated, my dear captain! Now, just imagine the great party we are going to have afterwards, a party in a cosmic palace!” said Luna clapping her hooves together.
  1250. >Picard smiled, a rare occurrence.
  1251. “I shall look forward to that!”
  1252.  
  1253. Cut to Twilight Sparkle:
  1254. >The doors to THE CHAMBER suddenly opened.
  1255. >”Frag out!” cried the adorable voice of Electric Sky, leader of 1st Squad 6th Platoon, as a number of timed-fuse snake-in-a-peanut-can canisters flew into the compartment.
  1256. >There were several popping sounds as the springy snakes exploded from the canisters.
  1257. >”Whoa! I thought it was just peanuts!” said one of the red pastel toga ticklers.
  1258. >”It was completely unexpected! That’s funny!” said an orange tickler.
  1259. >The doors opened again and seven cream pies flew in, hitting various toga ticklers and toga boopers. There followed a rain of banana peals and a smorgasbord of slipping and sliding.
  1260. >When they got up, the togas found themselves surrounded with ponies wielding rubber chickens ready to pounce.
  1261. >”Do you give up? Will you be friendly?” Cheerilee, leader of 2nd Squad 6th Platoon, asked.
  1262. >”Mares? Mares!” said a purple booper.
  1263. >”Oh, yes! Mares! We’ll be friendly, promise!” said the orange tickler.
  1264. >”Very well, lower your chickens girls.” said Cheerilee
  1265. >”Will you be our friends?” asked a red boober.
  1266. >”Yes! Provided you turn from your evil ways, of course.” said Twilight as she entered to survey the newly captured territory.
  1267. >”Oh, we will!” cried the red tickler.
  1268. >”Would you boys be interested in a game of human shoes? It’s like our game of horseshoes only with human shoes!” inquired Sunshower, a member of 1st Squad, while holding up a pair of sneakers with their laces tied together. “I made it up about ten min. ago!”
  1269. >”Yay!” they cried out in unison as they followed Sunshower and two other ponies out of the compartment.
  1270. >Twilight now gave some new orders to her squad captains.
  1271. >”Looks like the Pony Boy leadership isn’t here. They must be in another compartment. Electric Sky, Cheerilee, rendezvous with 3rd Squad and continue to search this deck. They must be here!”
  1272. >”Aye Ma’am!” said both ponies with a salute before moving their units out.
  1273. >As they left, Twilight noticed a groaning sound. Walking around an instrumentation stack, she came across LT Friendly tied to a table.
  1274. >Twilight let out a gasp.
  1275. >”What happened to you?”
  1276. >”Ugh! I refused to join their gang. So, they tortured me with infinite tickles and nose boops. They must have given me, like, three thousand nose boops so far!” said Friendly as he turned his head to look at Twilight.
  1277. >She gasped again.
  1278. >”That’s too many nose boops! Terrible!” she said in surprise. “Don’t worry, I’ll have you free in a moment!”
  1279. >She untied him and he sat up. His toga was tied around his waist and now Twilight could get a good look at his muscular body. She bit her lower lip.
  1280. >”Thank you! I never thought being tickled or nose booped could be so awful!” he remarked. “I’m LT Friendly by the way. What’s your name?”
  1281. >”Twilight Sparkle! Pleased to meet you!” she said with her biggest grin.
  1282. >She sat on her haunches and started tapping her hooves together.
  1283. >”You wouldn’t happen to love books would you?”
  1284. >”I do love books! I ought to, since I’m a scientist after all.”
  1285. >Twilight’s eyes opened wide and she felt tingles.
  1286. >”You know, I have a huge library with some very rare and interesting books; some of the rarest in Equestria. If there’s time after all this would you like to come see it?”
  1287. >”I surely would! Do you like mathematics and physics?” Friendly asked.
  1288. >”Yeah” said Twilight with a bashful look while making a circle on the deck with her hoof. “But, I probably don’t know as much you, since you are a scientist from space.”
  1289. >”I can teach you some. What do you think?” Friendly said. He didn’t know why, but he took a liking to this purple pony, and so few people he talked to were interested in science. Also, she was super cute, had beautiful eyes, and what he considered to be a lovely smile.
  1290. >”That would be wonderful!” Twilight enthusiastically exclaimed as she came to all fours again. “Oh, but for now I think you should go to the infirmary to recover. I can teleport you there if you like.”
  1291. >”Thanks! That would be be really kind of you! Just come find me after all this is done!”
  1292. >”I will!” Twilight said.
  1293. >They looked at each other with warm happy smiles for a moment before Twilight activated her horn and sent LT Friendly to the Expeditionary Field Infirmary, which was controlled by Nurse Redheart, to care for any of the boo-boos anypony might get during the operation (so far only minor bruises and cuts from tripping and falling-down-go-boom).
  1294.  
  1295. Cut to Celestia and LT Mous:
  1296. >By now, Celestia had shown LT Mous many of the rooms of the palace that guests normally don’t get to see. She showed him the royal treasury, the artifact reliquary, the throne room, observatory, and library.
  1297. >LT Mous had been thoroughly impressed and enchanted.
  1298. >Now they were siting in the royal music hall, with its exquisite columns. Octavia was there practicing her cello solos. She was not in Ponyville during the request for volunteers, otherwise she absolutely would have gone to the Enterprise with everypony else. That’s because aside from being a phenomenally talented mare with a wonderful personality, she was also a terribly randy bitch. She had been terribly randy at the tea party earlier during a prolonged break in the music.
  1299. >”This has been amazing Celestia!” said Mous.
  1300. >”There’s one more place I’d like to show you if you’re interested.” Celestia said with an alluring tone in her voice and bedroom eyes.
  1301. >”Certainly, your majesty!” Mous said gracefully with a bow.
  1302. >Celestia smiled at Mous and activated her horn, teleporting them both to her chambers.
  1303. >Appearing in Celestia’s opulent chambers, the couple sat upon a red and gold sofa and embraced with slow moving but relentless passion.
  1304. >Neither one wanted to go fast. Both Celestia and Mous preferred to savor the warmth and presence of their lover.
  1305. >Celestia climbed up on his lap and Mous drew his hands lovingly over her body.
  1306. >”Is it strange that I, a biped, and you, a quadruped, fall in love and do what lovers do?” Mous asked after a while, as they caught their breaths from passionate kissing.
  1307. >Celestia smiled so brightly that Mous felt it was the resplendence of the sun itself, or what ever the ponies called their star.
  1308. >”Anon, we are so many disconnected intelligences and consciousnesses floating about in the convex of the heavens. The fates gave you that body, and they gave me this one. Our bodies are just the vessels that we occupy. Who we are truly is beyond physical matter. True love is not between matter and matter, but between soul and soul. Why should we let matter get in the way? What are our bodies then? They are just the means which we have available to us to express our love. If love is important to us, then we should use the tools at our disposal to express it to each other. To deny love at the deeper level of the soul, merely because the tools differ from what is customary, is antithetical to wisdom itself. Yes, I feel physical lust for you, but I also feel love for you at a deeper level.”
  1309. >She followed this with a look of understanding and intelligence that could only come from thousands of years of existence. Suddenly, Anon felt his insignificance next to this immortal being. Yet, he smiled. Her words rang true and he gave himself over to bask in her radiance.
  1310. >”You’re right Celestia. I had not thought about it like that.”
  1311. >They smiled at each other and began kissing again.
  1312.  
  1313. Cut to Twilight Sparkle and her squads on the Enterprise:
  1314. >Twilight was on her way out of THE CHAMBER when Fleetfoot appeared in the corridor.
  1315. >”CDR Sparkle! We have located the Pony Boys leadership! They are in the holodeck on this level, just down the corridor.” said Fleetfoot, pointing with her hoof.
  1316. >”Wonderful! Are the other squads there standing by? And you don’t need to call me commander, Fleetfoot.” Twilight replied.
  1317. >”Since this is a military operation, I’m afraid I do Ma’am! All three squads are standing by, ready for orders.”
  1318. >Twilight and Fleetfoot both cantered over to the holodeck where they met the rest of the squads.
  1319. >”Alright everypony, remember the plan. 1st Squad, you’re with me going up the center. 2nd and 3rd Squads, you take out any togas on the left and right respectively. Unicorns, be ready with shields. Pegasai, be ready to attack from above. Earth ponies, be ready for emergency bucking. Does everypony understand?”
  1320. >”Yes, Ma’am!” was the simultaneous reply.
  1321. >”Ok! Three, two, one. Go!” Twilight ordered.
  1322. >In they went. The togas inside suddenly found themselves in a maelstrom of banana peals, cream pies, rubber chickens, and confetti.
  1323. >In confusion they raised their rifles, but the adorable antics of the mares stopped them dead in their tracks.
  1324. >The mares were striking cute poses, making balloon animals, scrunching their noses, giving each other hugs, turning cartwheels, booping each other on the nose, and rubbing each other’s bellies. They were cute’ing like they never had before.
  1325. >The togas began to fall one by one. Mesmerized, they began joining in on the fun, exchanging hugs and nose boops.
  1326. >1st squad was clearing the way so that Twilight could get to the throne platform where Coke Bottle Lenses, Crooked Teeth, Pocket Protector, Poofy Hair, and Overwhelming Freckles had been siting. Only now, they were standing in alarm.
  1327. >”STOP!!!!” yelled Coke Bottle Lenses over the din of the combat taking place around him.
  1328. >Everybody and everypony stopped and looked at him. He had a phaser leveled at Twilight, his face filled with anger. The scene was max dramatic.
  1329. >”Nobody move, or the purple one gets it! You think you’re gonna stop us from making it to Equestria and finding infinite happiness? You’re wrong! All our lives we’ve been ignored, shunned, and harassed by society, but in Equestria we’ll be finally happy. We’ll be free from being called nerds, dweebs, weebs, and poindexters!” said Coke Bottle Lenses, gesturing wildly.
  1330. >”You know you can’t do that. You don’t have that level of spite in you. You just want friends and to feel loved and appreciated!” said Twilight soothingly and with a smile. “We can teach you how to make friends so that you’re never lonely again!”
  1331. >”Lies! We’ll never be able to make friends!” said Coke Bottle Lenses with quivering lips.
  1332. >”To show you I really do want help and be your friend, I brought this for you.” said Twilight as she levitated a multitude of books out of the satchels that she and other members of 1st Squad were carrying.
  1333. >”Look! It’s my entire collection of Daring Do books and stacks of 1st edition Equestrian comic books! I even included a Ponish language guide, map, and bestiary so you can understand and learn to read them!” said Twilight.
  1334. >The gesture touched the nerdy heart of Coke Bottle Lenses and his comrades. Nobody had every done something like this for them before. His eyes grew watery and his hand shook. Slowly he lowered the phaser.
  1335. >”Ok, but how could anyone be our friend after we hijacked the ship?” asked Coke Bottle Lenses.
  1336. >”Easy! Captain Picard knows that nobody has been themselves lately while you all have been in the friendlyon field potential. He forgives you and so do we! Let’s all be friends instead of enemies!” beamed Twilight.
  1337. >Coke Bottle Lenses, Crooked Teeth, Pocket Protector, Poofy Hair, and Overwhelming Freckles all looked at each other and nodded in agreement.
  1338. >”Friends then!” said Coke Bottle Lenses, a smile finally gracing his face.
  1339. >There was an explosion of applause and hoof stomping from everyone and everypony in the room.
  1340. >Twilight clicked the comms badge Picard had given her.
  1341. >”Princess Luna, Captain Picard, it’s Twilight. The Pony Boy leadership has been friendshipped. It’s all over!”
  1342.  
  1343. Cut to Expeditionary Command Center:
  1344. “Very well, Miss Sparkle” said Picard in response to Twilight’s news.
  1345. >Picard smiled to Data and Princess Luna before turning to address the room. This news coincided with news that the other two sectors had also fallen.
  1346. “Good news, everypony! The leadership of the Pony Boys gang has given up and decided to be friends instead! We have won the Enterprise back! Thank you all for your dedicated efforts!”
  1347. >There was applause and cheering from everypony in the command center. Nurse Redheart approached to give her final casualty report to Princess Luna.
  1348. >”Princess Luna, there have been 27 total casualties during the operation. All of them have been minor boo-boos. With bandages applied, they are all fit to return to duty.” said the lovely nurse.
  1349. >”Thank you Nurse Redheart!” Luna said with a smile.
  1350. “Princess, if you are ready I think it is high time we started the party!” Picard said, clearly in a jovial mood now that he had his ship back.
  1351. >”I agree captain! I can hardly wait!” replied Luna.
  1352. >Picard picked up the microphone for the #1 Multichannel Circuit to make an announcement to the entire ship.
  1353. “Good evening, this is Captain Picard. I am pleased to announce that the Enterprise is once again under my command. I am also pleased that we have all had the opportunity to increase the friendship amongst each other and with our Equestrian friends. In celebration, I am declaring a ship-wide party, commencing now! Enjoy yourselves and make new friends!”
  1354. >Picard now turned to Data, who was complimenting Rarity on how wonderful all the decorations looked.
  1355. “Data, are we past threshold?”
  1356. >”Almost there, sir. I anticipate crossing it any moment. I’m detecting the same anomaly as before, much more powerful this time.” said Data.
  1357. “Surely, it can’t be coming from Ponyville after all this time?”
  1358. >”I do not believe so. Nor do I think it is coming from the ship. Regardless, the current anomaly and the onboard party will certainly drive us over the threshold.”
  1359. “Very will, Data.” said Picard with a smile.
  1360. >He could hardly wait for the ship to be fixed.
  1361.  
  1362. Cut to Celestia and LT Mous:
  1363. >While they began celebrating in the command center on the Enterprise, Celestia was busy tumbling Mous’s balls around in her mouth. Mous, meanwhile, was busy massaging Celestia’s body with one hand and stimulating her treasures with the other. Muffled moaning filled the room and grew in intensity as Celestia reached a climax.
  1364. >But that was not the end for the lovers.
  1365. >Going to the bed, Celestia lay atop Mous with her rump toward his head. She slipped his penis into her mouth and lavished it with her tongue while Mous went to work on her clitoris with his. Once again, he massaged her body with both hands.
  1366. >Soon they were both breathing heavily again. They were driving each other to levels of ecstasy neither had experienced before. Celestia was beside herself with pleasure. In her mind, the entire universe ceased to exist and it was just her and Mous.
  1367. >After a while, Celestia released another resounding moan as she orgasmed again.
  1368. >Embracing each other for a moment of recovery, they kissed passionately and held each other tightly.
  1369. >At length, Celestia repositioned herself. Looking over her body with a seductive look she swished her tail out of the way to invite her lover in. She felt her tissues being pushed aside as he hilted within her. Her pleasure rose exponentially as the thrusting began and intensified in strength and frequency.
  1370. >On and on it went, becoming more and more emotionally powerful. Mous was trying to give every bit of pleasure he could to Celestia. With his eyes shut in his own enjoyment, he did not notice the magical glow that began to envelope them. Neither did Celestia, whose eyes were also shut.
  1371. >They were both filling the room with lustful sounds and sweating profusely by the time Mous finally began pumping himself into Celestia. She was climaxing at the same time.
  1372. >What neither noticed was the intense pulse of light that radiated outward from them at that moment.
  1373. >The pulse of light continued outward, being witnessed by many ponies in Canterlot and further afield. Everypony wondered what it was. Though, they all noted that it seemed to have no effect.
  1374.  
  1375. Cut to The Command Center:
  1376. >”Captain. We have passed threshold. There was a sudden surge in friendship potential unlike any I have seen to this point. I cannot explain it, but combined with the effects of the party, it has driven us will past what is required. I suggest we prepare to execute the restoration spell.”
  1377. “That’s wonderful news Data!” said Picard. Then, turning to Princess Luna and Twilight, who had rejoined them after the events in the holodeck, he said, “Shall we proceed to engineering then?”
  1378. >”Of course, captain!” said Luna, while Twilight nodded in agreement.
  1379. >In engineering, Picard had a sudden hesitating thought.
  1380. “Wait. Shouldn’t our Chief Engineer, LCDR LaForge, be here for this? I thought the spell worked on a combination of friendship and the technical knowledge of crew members.”
  1381. >”It does captain, but distance is meaningless to friendship. Even though Mr. LaForge is not here, his friendship and that of your other technical experts links them to the spell caster.” Luna explained. “Twilight, won’t you please do the honors?”
  1382. >”Of course, Princess Luna!”
  1383. >Picard, Luna, Data, and the other crew members and ponies in engineering, who had been playing croquet up to this point, stopped and watched as Twilight began the spell.
  1384. >A sparkly purple light began to gather at her horn, then rapidly expanded outward to envelop the entire compartment. Soon it had enveloped the entire ship.
  1385. >Many mystical sounds filled the air. Then there was a brilliant flash of light that left the bulkheads, decks, and overheads glittering with magical power.
  1386. >”It’s done! That ought to do it!” said Twilight, visibly exhausted from the spell.
  1387. “ENS Winfield, please give me a report on the status of the warp engines. Petty Officer Johnson, please go visibly verify the status of the damaged equipment.” ordered Picard.
  1388. >While they went to verify, Picard clicked his comms badge.
  1389. “Communications Officer, this is Captain Picard.”
  1390. >”This is LT Prescott, go ahead Captain.
  1391. “Give me a status on the subspace communications equipment, please.”
  1392. >”Everything normal, sir. Systems are fully functional.”
  1393. “Very well. Thank you.”
  1394. >”Captain, computer systems show all warp drives fully functional and online.” said ENS Winfield.
  1395. >From a catwalk above, Petty Officer Johnson called down.
  1396. >”Captain, everything seems to be in perfect order. There’s no sign of damaged equipment anywhere!”
  1397. “Thank you, ENS Winfield. Thank you Petty Officer Johnson.”
  1398. >Picard smiled from ear to ear. His ship was fixed! He turned to Luna and Twilight.
  1399. “It seems that I was entirely mistaken about the power of friendship! Thanks to your help and friendship the Enterprise has been restored to complete working order. I cannot thank you and Princess Celestia enough! I invite you and your ponies to stay and celebrate on board!”
  1400. >”We would be delighted, captain!” Luna exclaimed.
  1401. >”Thank you, captain!” said Twilight.
  1402. >And so, Captain Picard, the crew of the Enterprise, and the large group of ponies onboard commenced one of the most legendary parties in recorded human history.
  1403. >There was dancing throughout the decks. Cuteness infused raves took place on the bridge, in the crew lounge, and on the mess decks.
  1404. >In engineering there was croquet, slip-n-slide, bowling, frisbee, and other lawn games.
  1405. >On the holodecks humans and ponies were sharing kite flying techniques, pretending to be pirates in ship sailing simulations, and re-enacting mystery novels.
  1406. >There were snacks, pies, cakes, and yummy foods in abundance.
  1407. >Captain Picard became the life of the party. High on the happiness of regaining his ship, nopony and nobody could match his stellar dance moves.
  1408. >Twilight taught friendship to the ship’s poindexters and they went forth making new friends and adding to the general happiness.
  1409. >The juggling bears teamed up with humans to perform feats of juggling never attempted in the history of the known universe.
  1410. >Balloon animals and face painting was had in abundance.
  1411. >All the rubber chickens were collected and thrown into a bins in the hangar bay to create rubber chicken swimming pools.
  1412. >Applejack and Rainbow Dash organized barrel races around the decks of the saucer section.
  1413. >Pinkie Pie worked with the Engineers to install permanent confetti cannons in the engineering spaces.
  1414. >Rarity, with some magical assistance from Princess Luna and Twilight, turned the pastel togas into proper Roman togas complete with laurel wreaths and golden clasps, so that the crew members really did look like Romans.
  1415. >Fluttershy teamed up with Trixie to put on more magic and silly pet trick shows. Many wallets were picked by raccoons.
  1416. >And there were many other mighty feats of merriment that are too numerous to mention. Suffice it to say that everyone had the time of their lives.
  1417. >There was a great deal of hanky-panky that occurred as well.
  1418. >At some point, Twilight and LT Friendly slipped away so that he could give her a tour of the science labs. They spent a great deal of time together doing this and discussing sciency things.
  1419.  
  1420. Cut to Twilight and LT Friendly in Science Lab #3:
  1421. >LT Friendly had just finished showing Twilight the ship’s equipment relating to experimental quantum mechanics. Then they sat down together on a sofa, which was conveniently in the lab.
  1422. >They looked into each other’s eyes and knew by the powers of scientific insight that they were meant for each other, in the same way that neutrons and protons are meant to be together in a nucleus.
  1423. >Running his hand through her mane, LT Friendly spoke.
  1424. >”I really like you Twilight. I feel like we fit together.”
  1425. >She felt the warmth of his touch and the luminescence of their growing love.
  1426. >”M-me too.” she said in her awkwardly cute way.
  1427. >As if attracted by magnetism, they leaned in and kissed. Twilight was clumsy at first, but she got the hang of it since she was a fast learner. This was her first time after all.
  1428. >”Um…is there, a place we could go. One that’s more…um, private?” Twilight asked, feeling that tingly feeling welling up again.
  1429. >”Can you teleport us here? It’s my stateroom.” said LT Friendly as he pointed to a chart of the ship posted on the bulkhead.
  1430. >”Mmm Hmm.” she said as she kissed him and activated her horn.
  1431. >In LT Friendly’s stateroom, he showed her the beauty of the stars from his window, turning down the lights for extra effect. Then, they embraced in true love upon his bed.
  1432. >With LT Friendly that night, Twilight Sparkle got her pipes cleaned like few mares in history every had or ever will again. It was a lovely thing to happen to the perky purple pony who believed so strongly in friendship and helping others, even if she was spergy sometimes.
  1433. >In the afterglow, Twilight started the conversation.
  1434. >”Do you think we’ll ever see each other again after your ship leaves?
  1435. >”My contract with Starfleet is almost up. But there is also the Direct Line Scientific Corps. I could transfer into that. There will be a great deal of interest in the newly discovered friendlyon. Given that we are already in contact with your species, it is almost certain that Starfleet will send researchers here. Since I proposed the theory, I would be the obvious choice to be on such a team.” LT Friendly explained. Then he continued with a smile, “That would bring my back to you!”
  1436. >Twilight smiled, snuggled in closer, and let out a contented sigh.
  1437.  
  1438. Cut to Celestia and Picard on the bridge:
  1439. >Upon receiving word of the military operation on Enterprise, Celestia had teleported there almost immediately. She was now in engineering with the captain and a few others.
  1440. >But before that, in the aftermath of making love with LT Mous, she had discovered, to her shock, that he had no recollection of his life on earth or in Starfleet. Though, he did retain his technical skills and general knowledge of earth, its art, its, history, its cultures, and so on.
  1441. >She had put him to bed and was on her way to the royal library to conduct research on the phenomenon, and perhaps find a way to reverse it, when the news of the Enterprise reached her.
  1442. >Now in the presence of Captain Picard, Princess Luna, and Data, she felt obligated to bring up the subject. After all, this would negatively affect his crew and she felt responsible.
  1443. >”Captain Picard, I am rather embarrassed by this, but I must bring up sensitive matter.” Celestia started.
  1444. >The attention of everyone present was immediately peaked, especially Picard’s.
  1445. “Oh? Nothing bad I hope.”
  1446. >”I’m afraid it is, captain. It is about your communications officer, LT Mous.” said Celestia, feeling more and more embarrassed.
  1447. “Who?
  1448. >”LT Mous, captain.” Celestia repeated.
  1449. >Picard gave her a quizzical look.
  1450. “I’m afraid you must be mistaken Princess Celestia. Our communications officer is LT Prescott. Perhaps it is a different crew member you are thinking of?”
  1451. >”Captain, I am very certain his name is LT Anon E. Mous. I have seen you and him speaking multiple times.” said Celestia, now confused.
  1452. “Data, please search our records and those of Starfleet for that name. Also, run a biometric scan of all personnel on board to see if any are missing.”
  1453. >Data’s fingers flew over the computer console fulfilling the captain’s orders.
  1454. >”Captain, there is no record of such a person in Starfleet or ship’s records. Neither as a crew member nor as a visitor. Additionally, a full biometric scan shows all personnel on board. Since we completed beaming the last remaining personnel on board from the Equestrian surface a half hour ago, that would mean that all personnel are fully accounted for. There simply is no LT Anon E. Mous.”
  1455. >Celestia was in shock. Needing some time to think about this, she turned to Picard in confusion.
  1456. >”Perhaps…perhaps I was mistaken, captain.”
  1457. “It would seem so. A great deal has happened today and we have all met several people and ponies for the first time. It is possible the name a false memory.”
  1458. >”Yes, it would seem so. There has indeed been a lot of excitement and confusion today. That could be it.” Celestia said with a hesitant smile.
  1459. >Princess Luna marked her sister’s confusion and resolved to discuss the matter as soon as they could do so in secret. She too remembered LT Mous’s name.
  1460. >Meanwhile, the party carried on, with Celestia joining in to celebrate. Though, the issue of LT Mous was ever present in her mind.
  1461.  
  1462. Several hours later at a small grove of trees just outside Ponyville:
  1463. >A dark figure stood, just out of the moonlight, amongst the trees in the grove.
  1464. >A slight breeze blew and the only sounds were the occasional chirp of night birds, crickets, and the babbling of a nearby stream.
  1465. >The figure waited patiently.
  1466. >Soon, a second shadow emerged from some nearby bushes and crept silently into the grove.
  1467. >There followed a conversation held in whispers.
  1468. >”Were you successful? asked Shadow #1.
  1469. >”Y-yes.” replied Shadow #2.
  1470. >”Were you seen?” asked Shadow #1.
  1471. >”No, it was done during the confusion of the battle. Nobody was paying attention.” replied Shadow #2.
  1472. >”You have it then?” asked Shadow #1.
  1473. >”Yes. Here it is.” said Shadow #2, holding up a beautiful convex glass lens incased in an ornate silver and gold loop. The loop itself was encrusted with blood-red garnets and sapphires.
  1474. >The object gleamed and seemed to glow of its own accord, like it was alive. This artifact was clearly of ancient design and construction.
  1475. >Shadow #1 took the object and deposited it in a cloak pocket.
  1476. >”You’ve done very well indeed! Remember, this is secret. None of this may be spoken or written. It may not even be hinted at. These events never occurred. Do you understand?” said Shadow #1 gently but sternly.
  1477. >”Oh yes. I do understand. May I keep it then?” replied Shadow #2.
  1478. >”You may. However, there may be times when we need it. During those times, you are to comply. Will you do this?” asked Shadow #1.
  1479. >”Yes, certainly. I absolutely will.” said Shadow #2.
  1480. >”Excellent. Until we meet again, be well.” said Shadow #1
  1481. >Shadow #1 stepped into the darkness and vanished.
  1482. >Shadow #2 waited a min. or two and crept away silently.
  1483.  
  1484. Captain’s Log, Stardate: 673x-59/1-321
  1485. The Enterprise, having been repaired by magic, is underway again from Equestria and bound for Starbase YRX-322-6. Given the nature of the events that transpired to the ship and its crew, Starfleet agreed to give Enterprise several additional days at Equestria to engage in rest and relaxation. Since then, things have largely returned to normal. Though, there is an elevated sense of friendship among the crew. The lessons of friendship we learned from the Equestrian ponies will never be forgotten by this crew. Indeed, we will seek to implement those lessons for the betterment of our good ship. We all hope to visit Equestria again one day, but until then we will keep the magic of friendship in our hearts and spread it wherever we go.
  1486.  
  1487. Epilogue 1:
  1488. >It is worth noting that in the several days of rest and relaxation granted to the crew of Enterprise on Equestria, Twilight Sparkle made good her offer to show LT Friendly her library; he had been thoroughly impressed. In addition, they spent many days together enjoying time in Ponyville and Canterlot. During that time, Twilight got her pipes cleaned on a regular basis and she felt more like a real mare every day. Being the relentlessly analytical pony that she was, she delved into the pony equivalent of the Kama Sutra and optimized the love making between herself and LT Friendly for maximum effect and pleasure. LT Friendly found it sweetly amusing that she did so and fondly complemented her on her improvements. They exchanged keepsakes in a heart melting goodbye before he beamed up to the Enterprise for the last time. He promised that he would return one day, one way or another. Knowing LT Friendly’s resolve, it is not unreasonable to assume that he would succeed in that promise.
  1489.  
  1490. Epilogue 2:
  1491. >In a moment of secrecy on the Enterprise during the party, Princess Luna and Celestia held a discussion.
  1492. >”How is it that none of the humans know who LT Mous is?” asked Luna.
  1493. “I do not know. When we…um, finished, he no longer remembered his personal life on earth or in Starfleet!” Celestia replied.
  1494. >”You fucked LT Mous?!” asked Luna with a teasing smile.
  1495. “Sister! Such language!”
  1496. >”Is this not the correct colloquial human usage?”
  1497. “Well, yes. But it is vulger!”
  1498. >”But you must admit that it sounds sexy!”
  1499. >Celestia smiled in amusement at her sister’s innocent ways.
  1500. “Well, since we are using that language, I suppose you could say that I accidentally fucked the memories right out of poor LT Mous.”
  1501. >Given that there are no records of him in Starflight or in the heads of the humans, I would say more than this, big sister! You have fucked the memory of LT Mous right out of the known universe!”
  1502. >They both broke out in hysterical laughter.
  1503. >When they recovered, Celestia spoke first.
  1504. “It is terrible to laugh at this, little sister. But, I think LT Mous may be happier with us here on Equestria. We shall take care of him and make sure he is loved and cared for.
  1505. >”Agreed, especially the loved part!” said Luna raising her eyebrows repeatedly.
  1506. “You’re terrible, little sister!” said Celestia with giggle. “In any case, we cannot return him to Starfleet. What would they do with him? Even if they took him back to earth he has no family there and no personal life memories of the place.”
  1507. >”I believe you are correct, big sister.” Luna replied while nodding. “Shall we tell him about his memory loss?”
  1508. “Yes, but eventually and not immediately.” Celestia said, holding up her hoof. “At least, we should first take some time to research how this happened.”
  1509. >Princess Luna looked up at her sister with a little hopeful nervousness.
  1510. >”Big sister?...Um...would it be possible,...that it, if you find it agreeable...to have share’sies with LT Mous?” said Luna twirling a hoof.
  1511. >Celestia nodded and smiled at her little sister. Her needs should be met as well.
  1512. “Yes! Share’sies.”
  1513. >Both giggled as they returned to the party.
  1514.  
  1515. Epilogue 3:
  1516. >The day after the party, the royal sisters had an interesting discussion over breakfast.
  1517. >”Your suggestion to use the dreamscape to draw the human spacemen here and delay their departure to allow us to gain access to their ship and personnel worked beautifully, my dear sister!” said Luna as she heaped up some pancakes.
  1518. “I do not like to ‘toot my own horn’ as the humans say, but I do believe you are correct, little sister!” Celestia had made air quotes with her hooves. Then, she continued, “Our agent was able to successfully create a replicant of that wonderful walking repository of information and analysis, Mr. Data.”
  1519. >”Yes. It is only unfortunate that the replication is not exact.” said Luna, taking a bite of her pancakes.
  1520. “True, but his faculties are sound with respect to advanced physics, mathematics, propulsion, and energy generation. We can use him to increase pony understanding of these subjects. This will help us advance to the level of a space-faring nation” replied Celestia as she poured tea for herself and her sister.
  1521. >”Did you remember to re-seal the mirror pool, dear sister?” asked Luna in sudden panic.
  1522. “Yes, I sealed it up as soon as I learned the job had been accomplished.”
  1523. >Luna breathed a sigh of relief
  1524. >”Good! We can’t allow a repeat of that Pinkie Pie incident!”
  1525. “Absolutely not!” said Celestia. She then followed with a related question. “Did you let our agent know that she could keep her copy of Mr. Data as long as we have access to him?”
  1526. >”Yes, I made it abundantly clear.”
  1527. >Now Luna took on a mischievous smile while she poured more syrup.
  1528. >”But that’s not all we gained, big sister. Look!” said Luna as she levitated aloft the Lens of Duplication.
  1529. >Celestia’s eyes opened wide and she eagerly awaited what her devious sister would reveal next. She dug into a banana while she listened.
  1530. >”I took the opportunity while LT Worf was drunk to ask him further questions about the ship. He revealed that they retained paper copies of the ship’s technical manuals and books about the fundamental principles behind their energy, propulsion, defense, and weapons systems.”
  1531. >Luna paused for effect.
  1532. “Go on, little sister! Please go on!”
  1533. >”Imagine that! Still keeping paper copies in the space age! Anyway, I saw an opportunity and had our agent use the Lens of Duplication in the confusion of the friendship battle to copy the entire Enterprise technical library! It is all in the Lens, we need now only extract it, a task easily accomplished!
  1534. “You are so delightfully devious, little sister!” said Celestia with a laugh. “This is fabulous! It will accelerate our plans significantly!”
  1535. >”I know, my sister. I simply saw an opportunity and took it!” Luna replied, biting into a strawberry.
  1536. >Now Celestia grew somewhat dramatic.
  1537. “My sister, I foresee a day when friendship will permeate the galaxy through our guidance. Every being will know the magic of friendship. Wars, for the most part, will cease. Happiness and love, will reign and sadness will flee away. Ever since these humans arrived, we have become aware of how dangerous this galaxy is for our little ponies. But, our best defense and offense is to turn our enemies into friends. With the Enterprise technologies, we can accomplish it in time. So doing, we can protect our little ponies and every other being in the galaxy.”
  1538. >Luna beamed at her sister’s ambitious plan.
  1539. >”My dear sister, don’t forget, humans are easy to be friends with. In fact, they are fantastic and I hope to see them again! But there may be beings out there that will never be our friends. It pains me to say it, but for them we will need more destructive tools.”
  1540. >Celestia sighed in the realization of reality.
  1541. “You are right, little sister. And I truly wish it were not so!” said Celestia sadly. “It is my dream that friendship and love would be the rule in the universe, not harsh power and ambition.”
  1542. >”I know it’s your dream, big sister. I have seen it in the dreamscape!” said Luna with a smile that spoke the warmest sisterly love.
  1543. >They smiled at each other, hopeful in a future of peace and friendship between the inhabitants of the galaxy. They also finished their pancakes.

We Share Everything (Part 1)

by PonyAfloat

We Share Everything (Part 2)

by PonyAfloat

We Share Everything (Part 3)

by PonyAfloat

We Share Everything (Part 4)

by PonyAfloat

We Share Everything (Part 5)

by PonyAfloat