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Build Me Up Buttercup (RGRE)

By Uh-hmmm
Created: 17th December 2020 11:46:52 PM

  1. > Be Anon, hardcore gamer
  2. > You've beaten every Soulsborne game, you can do 360 no scopes, you even clear a full minesweeper map in under two minutes
  3. > So, when you arrived in Equestria, you knew what you would do for a living
  4. > You wouldn't be like all those Snitch thots, no, you would be coasting on your incredible gaming skill
  5. > You already have your channel beacon configured with your channel name, "xXx_ShadowLord_King_of_Games_xXx"
  6. > You start your first broadcast, smirking at the capture crystal with your arms crossed
  7. "Welcome true gamers and pissbabies, it is I, Shadowlord King of Games, here to reign over you all with an iron fist and a diamond dick."
  8. > The chat is scrolling way too fast for you to read, and you are impressed with how much they like you without even getting into content to show your skills
  9. "I may be new to Equestria, but I am a seasoned master in the world of gaming. Let's get started and unbox my console."
  10. > You kneel on the ground like a cool samurai and open the largest of the boxes
  11. "I decided to get a Saltstation 9, I hear they have the hardest games."
  12. > You pull out the console, and it unfolds into...
  13. > A monopoly board?
  14. > Like, nothing is labelled, and the colors are wrong, but that is definitely a monopoly board
  15. > You keep a straight face; an experienced gamer shouldn't have a reaction to something like that
  16. > You open the package for the controller, and it's a bongo drum with buttons along the rim
  17. "What the fuck?"
  18. > Shit, you said that out loud!
  19. > You clear your throat and smirk at the crystal
  20. "It reminds me of some kiddie rhythm games from back home. No problem."
  21. > You suck at rhythm games
  22. > Only filthy casuals actually play those
  23. > This could be bad
  24. > You wave the bongo at the board, and the nano-crystal lighting syncs up
  25. "For my first game, I'll be playing the Broken Leg Chronicles, Pre-unification Survival. From what I hear, it's not as dark and gritty as what I am used to, but that's fine."
  26. > You put the game crystal on the GO space and tap the bongo
  27. > The game boots up, projecting a wide vista of a snowy forest, and the silhouette of two ponies, a big one and a small one
  28. > You tap the bongo again and it brings up the character creator
  29. > There is some fumbling, and going back and forth as you kept forgetting which button was confirm and which was cancel, but you end up with a strong-looking unicorn stallion as your player character
  30. > Black coat, red mane, yellow eyes, pretty badass if you say so yourself
  31. > Dark Souls may have taught you that magic users are easy mode, but you figure earth ponies and pegasi have an edge in a survivalist scenario
  32. > The opening cinematic shows your character and a small yellow filly with a short green mane trailing behind a caravan of ponies trekking through a blizzard
  33. > The wind howls, and an eerie neighing echoes in the night air
  34. > You frown as the filly walks close to the edge of the path, and promptly tumbles down a steep incline
  35. > The player character gallops after her, but soon slips and falls
  36. > A tree rushes up out of nowhere, the illusion goes black and plays the sound of a sickening crack
  37. > You swallow
  38. > When the game fades back in, your character stands up, but immediately neighs at putting weight on his broken hindleg
  39. > The camera stills into isometric perspective, and you get the feeling that you have control now
  40. > You tap the bongo, and the stallion takes a step, favoring its hind leg
  41. > You tap a few more times, and he keeps going to the upper right
  42. > You drum your fingers on the bongo, and he jerks around and hobbles to the upper left
  43. > Directions must be from where you hit the bongo
  44. > The clearing only has one other major feature, a small pile of snow with a divot leading to it
  45. > You walk your character over and press the confirm button
  46. > The stallion kicks the pile, and the filly is launched a foot or two
  47. "Aw shit! Why is the confirm button the attack button?"
  48. > The filly gives your stallion a sad look
  49. > "I'm sorry daddy, I'll be good next time."
  50. > You groan
  51. "No game, that's cheating, don't do this to me!"
  52. > You make sure the filly is still out of kicking range and run through the buttons
  53. > Jump, cast Light, cast Fireball, kick, headpat, why are kick and headpat right next to each other?, lay down, piss, and shit, then you are back around to jump
  54. > You get up, grab a marker, try a few buttons, and write HP next to the head pat button
  55. > You exhale sharply
  56. "Alright, let's do this."
  57. > You trot over to the filly and she cowers a little, breaking your heart even further
  58. > You carefully tap the head pat button, and she perks right back up under your touch
  59. > Just to be sure, you hit it again, and the game does the same happy animation cycle
  60. > You smile and sigh in relief
  61. "Crisis averted. Alright, let's get going."
  62. > You have your character approach the trees, and the filly happily trails after you
  63. > Then she frowns
  64. > "Daddy, what happened to your leg?"
  65. > Your character puts on a brave smile
  66. > "It just got sprained, that's all. Don't worry, it will be alright."
  67. "Yeah, that's a bad sign. That filly better get to safety before he kicks it. I MEAN before he dies. Shit."
  68. > You glance at the chat, and if it was unreadable before, it's a blur now
  69. > The camera follows your stallion past some trees, revealing the tutorial platforming section
  70. > A small ledge is withers high on your character, but the filly probably can't climb that high
  71. > Sure enough, when you approach, a ring appears with a mote of light highlighting the lay down button position
  72. > You press it, the stallion lays down, and the filly climbs up and over
  73. > You hit what you think is the jump key, but your character promptly defecates instead
  74. "Shit! Augh, no pun intended."
  75. > Hitting the jump button gets your character back on his hooves, and you can just use bongo movement to get him over the ledge
  76. > As you go through the early areas, you start to get more comfortable with the control layout and the general feel of the game
  77. > Old campfires can be lit on fire for checkpoints, light spells help you see a path forward in dark sections, kicking obstacles to open up paths
  78. > You still haven’t figured out why your character shits and pisses, it doesn’t seem tied to any sort of realistic needs sort of meter, all it does is make the filly scrunch when she passes by it
  79. > You get to one of the most obnoxiously video game-like sections, where ice blocks slide from the top of a cliff into a hot spring that spans the navigable screen
  80. > The filly starts humming a little song and clacking her hooves on a stone, and while it is pretty cute, it bodes ill for you
  81. > Sure enough, when your stallion gets in the hot water, he panics and frantically runs back to the shore, panting and steaming for a few seconds
  82. > You sigh and hit the jump button
  83. > The stallion makes it to the first block, but he’s sliding from his momentum
  84. > You try to hit jump every time the filly clacks her hooves, but you can’t get the rhythm right even with audio cues
  85. > The first time you hit jump too soon, and growled at the long animation to get your character back to the shore
  86. “Keep doing your thing, Buttercup. I’ll make it before you know it.”
  87. > The third try, you make it to three blocks, a little under halfway there, before the block crumbles beneath you
  88. “Bullshit, ice doesn’t melt that quick!”
  89. > You keep trying, and that filly keeps humming her cheerful little tune
  90. > Twelve tries in, and you are three fourths of the way across before you fall in again
  91. > And the stallion just… scrambles across the spring, right back to the starting point
  92. “Oh, come on, the other side was way closer!”
  93. > Twenty-three tries later, and you are dead inside
  94. > You can never escape the humming, the clacking of insanity
  95. > Your finger is sore from pushing the jump button so many times, with increasing force as your frustration mounts
  96. > Your vision narrows down to your stallion’s hooves scooting on the blocks, everything else graying out
  97. > And then there is snow under your hooves
  98. > You blink, and see the filly hop effortlessly across, giggling
  99. > “You did it, daddy!”
  100. > You laugh bitterly
  101. “Yeah, I did, Buttercup. Okay, I’m going to take a break, I’ll be back in five minutes.”
  102. > You cover the capture crystal with a napkin and walk into your kitchen
  103. > You grab a slice of room temperature pizza and chow down as you work out the kinks in your fingers
  104. > Seriously, fuck rhythm games
  105. > You finish off the slice and grab a bottle of soda from the fridge and down about half of it before returning to the couch
  106. > You set it off to the side, outside of the crystal’s field of view
  107. > You yank off the napkin and put on your game face
  108. “Alright, I’m back. Let’s try and knock this game out tonight, and I’ll make a poll on what I should play next.”
  109. > You look at the game display, and the filly is nudging the foreleg of your stallion with her head
  110. > Cute
  111. > You tap the bongo and get going
  112. > As the forest canopy closes over the top of the screen, it gets darker and darker
  113. > You cast Light, and make your way through the maze of trees and shrubs
  114. > You hear a distant howl and frown
  115. > Your character has a broken leg, there’s no way he can outrun a wolf
  116. > Thankfully, you get to a campsite and light the fire
  117. > The saving animation plays, your character laying down, the filly curling up against your belly by the fire
  118. > You get up, and press deeper into the forest
  119. > You hear another howl, and it sounds much closer
  120. > You start tapping a quick one-two on the bongo, making your character trot through the forest
  121. > A line of shrubs block all but the bottom of the screen, and you move around them
  122. > Just as the line passes the left side of the screen, one of the bushes rustles and explodes, revealing a wood wolf thing
  123. > It howls again, and the chase is on
  124. > You bap the bongo as quickly as you can, growling as some of the hits make your character walk uselessly against a tree trunk, the wolf monster closing rapidly
  125. > The woodwolf thing bursts through another bush and pounces on your character
  126. “Shit! Fuck!”
  127. > The screen goes black, and you wake up at the campfire
  128. > You shake yourself to get rid of the tension, and go through the sequence again
  129. > This time, you are more careful about where you hit the bongo, and get far enough to see a river with an old log bridging it
  130. > Then the wolf pounces on you again
  131. “Okay, we got this. Just got to be quick, but careful.”
  132. > Three runs later, and you feel like you are missing something
  133. > So the next time the wolf shows up, you try kicking it
  134. > No dice, the pouncing animation carries it over the kick and you die
  135. > Light doesn’t blind it (pounce, die)
  136. > Fireball only stuns it a little, but turning your character back and forth gets rid of any time you would have gained (pounce, die)
  137. > Jumping does less than nothing (pounce, die)
  138. > Head Pat gets a confused growl, then (pounce, die)
  139. > Piss doesn’t do anything (pounce, die)
  140. > Shit, however, brings it to a stop as it devours your leavings
  141. > What the fuck
  142. > While you stare, the wolf finishes, then pounces (die)
  143. > You may or may not be giggling hysterically as you hammer the shit button as you flee the woodwolf, make it across the log, and kick the log into the river
  144. > You slump back and rub your face
  145. “This is a shitty game.”
  146. > You can’t help giggling some more
  147. > By the time you get yourself under control, the filly is nudging your stallion’s foreleg again
  148. > You smile
  149. “Alright,  alright, let’s get going Buttercup.”
  150. > The next few areas are a nice cool down section, with puzzle platform elements like pushing blocks and vine-pulley systems for raising and lowering logs and rocks
  151. > Buttercup even gets to help, climbing up vines and along thin branches to move things along
  152. > When you get to the next campsite, you have a guess as to what you’re going to be getting into
  153. > And you are right, as two wolves come howling onto the screen
  154. > You gallop your stallion across the thin stone slab over the ravine and boost Buttercup up so she can climb up the cliff face to a prominent rock
  155. > You turn and stunlock the wolves with fireball as they reach the slab
  156. > The filly strains and pushes, and the rock wobbles, then tips over
  157. > The rock crashes through the slab, and the wolves tumble into the ravine
  158. > You laugh
  159. “We make a good team, Buttercup! Ain’t no way they’re coming back from that.”
  160. > When you move forward, the filly scrambles down
  161. > You stop to give her a head pat, smiling at that same happy little stock animation
  162. > As you progress through the next few areas, you notice a gentle rise in elevation
  163. > Maybe you’re getting close to the end?
  164. > The packaging said it had a playtime of one hour, and you’ve been at it for about two
  165. > As the trees begin to thin out, and the way forward becomes clear of even shrubbery, you hear a chorus of howls
  166. > You immediately start galloping, though the filly quickly outpaces you with your broken leg
  167. > Buttercup stops every time she reaches the edge of the screen before you, looking worriedly over her shoulder
  168. > You grimace
  169. “There had better be another terrain barrier up ahead.”
  170. > Just to be sure, you start hitting the shit button as you beat the bongo
  171. > The first few wolves clear the left of the screen, and are completely ignoring the fecal distractions
  172. “Fuck! Why won’t you eat my shit?”
  173. > You beat the bongo faster, not bothering with any other buttons, but it doesn’t matter
  174. > Your speed is capped at a hobbled gallop, and the wolves are closing the gap
  175. > As you emerge from the forest, the gloom of night is broken by a faint, warm glow on the far right of the screen
  176. > You grin at the obvious end point, before noticing something crucial
  177. > There is no way you can make it, and Buttercup keeps waiting for you
  178. > The stallion seems to know it too
  179. > “Go! Get the others! You’ll be safe!”
  180. > “No! I won’t leave you, daddy!”
  181. > You feel yourself start to get choked up
  182. > You’re beating the bongo as hard as ever, but your stallion is only slowing down
  183. > “I’ll hold them off! Get help, and come back for me!”
  184. > The filly blinks back tears, then turns and gallops offscreen
  185. > Your stallion comes to a stop and faces the pack of woodwolves, firing fireball after fireball into the group, but they just keep coming
  186. > Abruptly, the camera shifts to track the filly as she runs into the pony encampment
  187. > The dialogue is muffled, but they rise up and gallop to the left of the screen
  188. > The ponies stampede the woodwolves, driving them off with magic, axe strikes, and divebombs
  189. > When they pass, Buttercup slowly makes her way to your crumpled form
  190. > She nudges your foreleg with her head several times
  191. > Finally, she curls up against your belly and starts humming that cheerful little tune from the hot springs
  192. > The camera lingers, and starts rolling the credits to the side as she sniffles and hums
  193. > You stare at the screen, blinking through the tears and wiping your eyes
  194. > At the end of the credits, the ponies come back and nuzzle little Buttercup, and the screen fades to black
  195. > You scrub your palms against your eyes, coming back to yourself
  196. “That was…”
  197. > You laugh a little helplessly
  198. “That was cruel. At least Buttercup made it.”
  199. > You take a shaky breath and let it out slowly
  200. > You rub your neck and look at the capture crystal
  201. “So, uh, yeah. I’ll put a poll up and call it a night. Fuck, but that was intense.”
  202. > You slide a sheet into a holder in front of the capture crystal, and start skimming through the chat that you never got around to reading
  203. > The beginning starts out as you would expect it
  204. > [Gamer colts, amirite?]
  205. > [Girls, I don’t think he’s even seen a console. What a faker.]
  206. > You can tell when you started getting to gameplay
  207. > [Oh Celestia, he actually kicked her, what the buck?]
  208. > [Filly’s lucky, I would gladly take some kicks for head pats from a stallion]
  209. > [Come on, nopony’s this new at i-games. Right?]
  210. > [Shadowlord? More like shitlord]
  211. > [This is painful to watch]
  212. > [Why is this awakening something in me? Do I really want an incontinent, big-balls goth coltfriend?]
  213. > You can’t help giggling when you get to the hot springs part of the chat
  214. > [Aw, he named her. Stallion’s instincts cannot be denied]
  215. > [Please kill me now]
  216. > [These growls should not be doing this to me]
  217. > [Celestia, they really did a good job making the stallion’s tail cling to his sack when he’s wet]
  218. > Wait, what?
  219. > You… probably aren’t going to check the footage
  220. > [At this point, I’m just vibing with Buttercup]
  221. > [If he’s this bad at the ice blocks, how bad is it going to get in the next section?]
  222. > [Shh! No spoilers, in case he reads the chat!]
  223. > You scroll down
  224. > [Cadance forgive me, I have three new fetishes now]
  225. > [Has he… never heard about a timberwolf?]
  226. > [Hit poop! HIT POOP! H I T   P O O P !]
  227. > [He can’t hear you]
  228. > [No one can hear us, we are in Tartarus]
  229. > [Oh thank buck, he figur]
  230. > [I want to slap him for being bad and making me feel bad watching him]
  231. > [Do you think he’ll get one of the filly death scenes?]
  232. > You feel your blood run cold
  233. > No
  234. > Fuck that
  235. > You are never playing this series ever again
  236. > You scroll further down
  237. > [Sasuga Skin O’ Babe, I want to make a foal now]
  238. > [It’s too pure, my heart can’t take it]
  239. > [ywn kill timberwolves with a daddy that gives you head pats]
  240. > [Fillies don’t know how good they have it]
  241. > [Girls, you know what’s coming next]
  242. > [Buck, let me have this happiness]
  243. > Quite frankly, you are impressed that the mares in the chat were able to respond to each other, given how flooded it was
  244. > [Oh Celestia, he’s pooping up a storm]
  245. > [I’m laughing and crying and it’s all wrong]
  246. > [Buttercup is a bitch, if she went and got help as soon as possible, her goth daddy would still be alive]
  247. > [SHE WAS TRYING HER BEST]
  248. > [Buck, I came here to schlick over some hot young streamer, not to feel]
  249. > [GOTH DADDY, NOOOOOOO]
  250. > [We couldn’t protect his smile, we’re going to have to carry that weight]
  251. > [Buck me, buck the game writers, buck the mare in particular that decided it was okay to reference the idle animation in the death scene, I can’t replay this game without crying like a colt]
  252. > [Oh no]
  253. > [Don’t cry, fake gamer, that’s cheating]
  254. > [I’m weak to stallion tears, and this game is already a bad day for rain]
  255. > [I wanna lick his tears and tell him it’s alright]
  256. > [Girls, I’m going to SIIIIIIIIIMP]
  257. > [Let’s have him play Broken Leg: Badlands]
  258. > [Buck no, keep that cursed shit out of here]
  259. > [The bugpod scenes are hot tho]
  260. > [CHANGELING DETECTED]
  261. > [BAD BUGS GET THE SPRAY]
  262. > [I’m not! It’s just, you know, helpless wet stallion stuff?]
  263. > [Yeah, I’m not a changeling (probably) and I find that hot]
  264. > [Ugh, bugcucks are the worst]
  265. > You get the feeling the chat more or less devolves from there, and check the poll
  266. > It seems the top voted game is Candy’s Corny Adventure
  267. > That sounds… safe enough
  268. > You’ll actually research it this time, though
  269. > You remove the power crystal to your channel beacon, and shamble off to bed
  270. > That was way more exhausting than you anticipated
  271. > You fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow
  272. > That night, you dream of a warm meadow and a happy filly with a yellow coat and short green mane.
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