Equestria's Most Pettable


                                            >One day Rarity woke up and realized she was the softest, smoothest, most pettable creature in all of Equestria.

                                            >It just clicked into her head that morning, as obvious as her impeccable fashion sense:

                                            >She was the pinnacle of pettability.

                                            >"Sweet Celestia, I'm simply sublime to touch!"

                                            >She ran a hoof over her coat to confirm this delightful epiphany. Oh my, yes. Luxuriously silky. Velvety-soft beyond belief. Fluff so fine, it was practically criminal.

                                            >And yet, something still wasn't quite right…

                                            >Rarity stroked her flanks. Marvelous, sleek flanks - smoother than polished marble, softer than clouds. Sheer pony heaven in physical form.

                                            >But alas, something was missing. What could it possibly be? She couldn't put her hoof on it…

                                            >"HOOVES!" realization crashed over her like a wave, "That's precisely it!"

                                            >Round clumpy keratin nubbins. Ill-shaped for pleasuring the pettable. Yes, hooves were the issue, hoof and center.

                                            >"My sleekness requires - nay, DEMANDS - something more!" she cried to her mannequins, "Nimble digits, strong yet gentle! Sensuous but soothing!"

                                            >In that moment, her new mission in life crystallized clearly, like the most flawless diamond:

                                            >To find the perfect appendage for petting pony perfection!


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                                            >"…And that, Twilight, is why I desperately need your help to find some… some… well, some non-hoof-thingies!" Rarity finished, ever the graceful speaker.

                                            >To her credit as a friend, Twilight did not immediately teleport away; instead, she took a deep, calming breath.

                                            >"So. You woke up convinced--"

                                            >"I Realized!"

                                            >"--Right. realized you're the, quote, 'pinnacle of pettability'--"

                                            >"And the softest, smoothest-"

                                            >"--Yes yes, all that too. But now you've also concluded--"

                                            >"Deduced, darling."

                                            >"…Deduced that hooves are inadequate to fully appreciate your…pettiness."

                                            >"Pett-ability!"

                                            >The urge to facehoof was strong. But Twilight needed both hooves to massage her temples. A grade-A Rarity migraine was brewing faster than Zecora's best potions.

                                            >Those pleading sapphire puppy-dog eyes, however, were a force even the Princess of Friendship couldn't refuse. And it did sound like an intriguing research challenge…

                                            >"Well… I suppose Spike's claws are more dexterous than hooves?" she offered. "He could probably give good pets?"

                                            >The little dragon perked up from his comic book--

                                            >"Far too sharp and scaly, I'm afraid."

                                            >--And promptly retreated back to its pages, another dream cruelly dashed.

                                            >"Of course," Twilight deadpanned. With a sigh, she levitated over some anatomy and zoology tomes. "Well, claws and talons are out. Too scratchy. Fins and flippers lack fine motor skills…"

                                            >"Ugh, I'd smell like a fish market!"

                                            >"Quite. Tentacles seem versatile but, um… the implications are unfortunate."

                                            >"Scandalous!"

                                            >"The only appendages that really fit your criteria are hands. Or maybe paws? A minotaur, perhaps?"

                                            >"After that brute who terrorized poor Fluttershy?! Absolutely not!"

                                            >"Diamond Dogs?"

                                            >If looks could kill, Twilight would be six feet under.

                                            >"Right. Forget I mentioned that."

                                            >They brainstormed fruitlessly for another hour, by which point Twilight's migraine had fully blossomed. Finally, she slammed a book shut with an exasperated groan.

                                            >"I'm sorry, Rarity, but there just isn't any creature in Equestria that has what you're looking for!"

                                            >Rarity's ears drooped, her bottom lip trembling. "So my divine coat is destined to forever go un-petted and under-appreciated?"

                                            >Guilt squirmed in Twilight's gut. She may have snapped a bit too harshly…

                                            >"I'm afraid so. Unless…" Oh no. Quick, change the subject before--

                                            >"UNLESS WHAT, DARLING?!"

                                            >Rarity's face was inches from Twilight's. Jasmine perfume collided against eau de manic desperation.

                                            >"…Unless we consider old mare's tales?" Twilight squeaked out.

                                            >Those icy baby blues didn't blink. They demanded.

                                            >"It's about Lyra Heartstrings - you know, my old study buddy? Brilliant mind. Also completely bonkers. Got fixated on these mythical bipeds called, uh, humans."

                                            >"Hoo-mans?" She tasted the exotic syllables like a fine Prench delicacy. "Tell. Me. Everything! Spare not a single scandalous detail!"

                                            >Gossip-lust flared in those mascara'd eyes. Twilight knew that look. She'd seen timberwolves with more mercy.

                                            >"Supposedly, they're tall gangly creatures. Only grow fur on their heads. And," she dropped to a scandalized whisper. "They wear clothes! All the time!"

                                            >"No fur?! How deliciously risqué! Ohh, the fashion possibilities…"

                                            >"Yes, yes, I'm sure you're already designing a fall line for them," sighed the princess-turned-cultural-cryptozoologist. "But here's the thing - according to Lyra, humans were obsessed. With petting. Cute. Fuzzy. Things."

                                            >If Rarity's eyes were saucers before, they were Hoity Toity hors d'oeuvres trays now. "Do go on…"

                                            >"Well! Even though they were mostly hairless themselves, they couldn't resist pampering and spoiling fluffy creatures. They had very dexterous, soft, naked hands - perfect for petting. And, um, scritching."

                                            >They were nose to powdered nose now. Any closer and they'd need a private room.

                                            >"And get this," Twilight babbled, unnerved by the unblinking intensity. "They had incredible magic! Could go to the moon." A pause. "Without being banished, I mean! They could share thoughts instantly across continents, conjure portraits--"

                                            >A delicate hoof booped her muzzle (Soft but not RARITY-soft). "Yes yes, all beyond fascinating I'm sure, dear! But what was that about scritches?"

                                            >"But!" Quick, a dose of reality. The cold hoof of rationality. "But it's just an old pony's tale! A myth! A legend! Absolutely no concrete evidence humans ever existed--"

                                            >"Pish posh! I have full confidence that if anypony can unravel this delectable mystery, it's you, Twilight! Equestria's cleverest scholar! And her glamorous, oh-so-plush sidekick. Now, where do we start?"

                                            >"WE?!"

                                            >Deep, cleansing breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Do not explode.

                                            >"Okay, you know what? FINE." She threw her hooves in the air. "We can go hear Lyra spin her little human tales, since you insist. After that, I'm sure you'll see there's no such thing!"

                                            >"Marvelous! I shall fetch my adventure hat!"

                                            >"But there won't BE any adv--"

                                            >All that remained of Rarity was a dissipating cloud of pampered pony perfume.

                                            >Twilight slumped. The Plot thickened.

                                            >So much swaying, retreating Plot.


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                                            >"--and they absolutely LOVED earscratchies! And snoot boops! Nothing was too sacred!"

                                            >Lyra and Rarity huddled together, blushing and giggling like schoolfillies who'd discovered their big sister's playfilly magazines.

                                            >"But that's not even the juiciest bit! Rumor has it, humans couldn't get enough of…wait for iiiiit…" Lyra paused for maximum dramatic effect. "BELLY RUBS!"

                                            >"NO! You don't say!"

                                            >"I do! I do say! And I'll say it again - BELLY RUBS!"

                                            >Rarity squealed and swooned, hind legs twitching helplessly at the mere thought of such pampering decadence. "Ooh darling, talk sensual to me!"

                                            >Aaand that was enough of that, Twilight decided. Time to be the Responsible Adult.

                                            >"There's NO. SUCH. THING!" Each word was punctuated by a firm, authoritative hoof-stomp. "No archaeological evidence, no cultural records, no primary sources at all! Humans are NOT REAL!"

                                            >"Yes, they are!"

                                            >"Nuh-uh!"

                                            >"Yuh-huh!"

                                            >"Nuh-infinitely-uh!"

                                            >"Yuh-huh times infinity plus one!"

                                            >The dignified princess opened her mouth for an incredibly mature "Nuh-uh times alicorn-infinity-squared"… before realizing what she was doing. A long, slow inhale, a slow, steady exhale, and some Zen flute music in her head.

                                            >"Look," she said, with strained evenness, "I am open to being proven wrong. But I need decisive, concrete evidence. Physical proof. No hearsay or fairy tales."

                                            >"Oh, you want proof?" Lyra grinned, oozing self-satisfaction. "I have ancient cave drawings of humans! Genuine reproductions, straight from the forbidden Lostclops Caves!"

                                            >Twilight arched a skeptical eyebrow. "And where, pray tell, did you obtain these alleged drawings?"

                                            >"Celestia's private secret library! Y'know, the forbidden one. My marefr-- I MEAN! An anonymous friend! Who totally isn't a secret agent! Hooked me up!"

                                            >Subtle.

                                            >"Riiight. Look, I've BEEN in the Forbidden Library!" (At this, Rarity shot Twilight A Look. A Look that promised much gossip would be had later.) "The books there are…not of this nature!"

                                            >"But WHAT nature are they, darling?" Oh no. That sly, coy tone. The Gossip Gods demanded tribute.

                                            >"That's not--! I mean--it's not what--ugh, it's not the POINT!" Red-faced, the alicorn rallied the remains of her dignity. "The point is, I didn't see any cave paintings!"

                                            >"Oh, Twilight! My sweet summer filly!" Lyra tsk-tsked, as if to a dumb foal - which, in fairness, Twilight was starting to feel like. "The OTHER forbidden library. The forbidden-EST. A place of shadows…mystery…and hands."


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                                            >"Behold!" She declared as a first scroll unfurled with a dramatic snap.

                                            >And behold they did, gaping at an image that could only be described as obscenely…handy.


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                                            >Five long, slender digits sprouted from a fleshy palm, each one a delicate dactyllic promise.

                                            >Rarity's pupils dilated into throbbing hearts. "Such sleek little darlings!" she cooed. "Ooh, I can practically feel their phantom caress upon my--"

                                            >"Fingers," Twilight deadpanned. "They're called fingers."

                                            >In truth, her scholastic sensibilities were offended by the crude rendering. Had this ancient artist never heard of proper shading?

                                            >She leaned close and squinted, as if trying to intimidate charcoal into confessing its secrets.

                                            >"While this could potentially be authentic, plenty of creatures have fingers. Like minotaurs…"

                                            >"Who have precisely FOUR per hand!" Lyra interjected smugly. "These are a five-star petting machine!"

                                            >"Irrelevant. It could be artistic license. Or a random mutation…"

                                            >FWAP!

                                            >The second scroll unfurled.


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                                            >A pony, splayed in wanton ecstasy. Fingers (FIVE of them), buried deep in plush belly fluff.

                                            >Rarity emitted a wet, euphoric squeak. If anypony could discern fifty shades of grey in monochrome cave art, it was her.

                                            >"Such bold strokes! Are they…dare I ask…?" she sputtered, fanning herself with the crumpled, sweaty shreds of her modesty.

                                            >"Hitting the tum-tum G-spot? Yep!"

                                            >Twilight, however, was having none of it. Her rump hit the floor with the authoritative THUMP of a true skeptic.

                                            >"I swear, if you commissioned cave smut for a fetish shrine, I WILL send you back to magic kindergarten!"

                                            >"How DARE you besmirch GENUINE History!"

                                            >"More like His-TORRID-y!"

                                            >"Oh, you want torrid? I'll GIVE you torrid!"

                                            >FOOMPH!

                                            >The final scroll spoke of a perversion so profound, so luridly lewd, that Lyra's hooves shook as she unveiled it.

                                            >Twilight shrieked. Equinity's darkest taboo stared back, hewn in stone.


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                                            >A hoof-hold in all its obscene glory!

                                            >Ponies would speak in whispers of this day for generations - the day a princess gazed upon the Forbidden Frot.

                                            >"LYRA HEARTSTRINGS! WHAT THE ACTUAL HAY?!" Her Royal Voice rattled the windows. Smoke billowed from her snoot.

                                            >But Rarity knew - neigh, FELT - a higher calling.

                                            >"I must find these humans! Their fingers shall be the key to unlocking my true pettential!"


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                                            >"My coat cries out for fate's touch, Twilight! Its threads are woven with a tapestry of tummy rubs!"

                                            >But such plush proclamations fell on deaf ears - and a swiftly cast levitation spell.

                                            >Now Rarity dangled mid-air by the scruff, like the world's most glamorous piñata.

                                            >Which Twilight was THIS close to whacking.

                                            >"Rarity! Get! A! Grrrrip!"

                                            >"That's PRECISELY what I WANT, Darling! A firm yet tender grip upon my–-"

                                            >"HOOOOLD YOUR PONIES!"

                                            >That desperate shout froze Twilight mid-shake, Rarity mid-squirm.

                                            >Lyra stood, solitary hoof raised. "There's another way to prove humans existed!" At Twilight's glare, she added, "Juuuust hear me out?"

                                            >"If the next words are 'Ask Celestia', SO HELP ME–"

                                            >"Oh puh-leeze. Human history is, like, TURBO classified! Those scrolls I showed? Peek-and-perish clearance! Celestia would deny everything!"

                                            >Sanity and intrigue rustled in the back of Twilight's mind, but this time intrigue won. Blue puppy eyes might have been the tie-breaker…

                                            >FLUMPF!

                                            >Rarity greeted the floor. Gracefully, of course. "You were saying, darling?"

                                            >"Yes. PLEASE do continue," Twilight ground out, "And make it good."

                                            >"Not good - GREAT! See, ponykind memory-holed humans, but my sources say one race still remembers! Our key to the primate kingdom! I speak of none other than…" Breath held. Dramatic beats. "CENTAURS!"

                                            >Twin sets of brows rocketed up - one skeptical, one intrigued. "And centaurs would know this…why?"

                                            >Lyra's own eyebrows waggled in a way she probably thought suggestive.

                                            >"Mix n' mingle? Half pony, half human? C'mon, do the math!"

                                            >…

                                            >Twilight's face sprinted through the five stages of grief before collapsing at morbid curiosity.

                                            >Don't picture it Sparkle, don't you DARE--

                                            >–-aaaand too late.

                                            >"Ooh my~" Oh yes, Rarity was picturing plenty.

                                            >"N-Now wait a disbelieving MINUTE!" Twilight shook her head, rattling the images from her brain. "First of all, IF anything, centaurs have more in common with minotaurs! You know, the horns?"

                                            >"Hah! Funny story there…"

                                            >Oh no. Ohhhh no no no–-

                                            >"Where do you think minotaurs came from?"

                                            >No no no abort abort ABORT–-

                                            >"…Humans. And cows." Another migraine brewed. "Reproducing."

                                            >"Yeppers!"

                                            >"With each other."

                                            >"Got it in one!"

                                            >"…I cannot see it."

                                            >"Yeeeeesss~" Someone could, apparently. "So open-minded. So…adventurous~"

                                            >Twilight hit her limit. Then blew right past it.

                                            >For Equestria's sake, this conversation needed to DIE. Before the images BRED.

                                            >"Okay. YOU–-" Hoof jabbed at Lyra "are peddling cheap pseudo-history for your weird fetish! And YOU–-" It swung to Rarity, who at least blushed. "Are enabling! Encouraging! EMBELLISHING!"

                                            >This. Ended. NOW.

                                            >FWO--

                                            >Lyra lifted another scroll

                                            >"NO."

                                            >"But there's--"

                                            >"NO BUTS! NO MORE INTERSPECIES SMUT! NOT NOW, NOT EVER!"

                                            >…A moment of silence. Blessed silence.

                                            >Until it coughed politely.

                                            >"Weeeeell." There Rarity went, ever the peacemaker. "If centaurs hold human secrets, perhaps we could… chat with one?"

                                            >"Rarity. The only centaur we know is–-"

                                            >But she knew. That coy face KNEW, and would still make her say it.

                                            >"We are NOT consulting TIREK on this!"

                                            >Everypony knew about The Stare, Fluttershy's ultimate weapon. But few were prepared for Rarity's.

                                            >The Pout.

                                            >"B-But Twilight…for me? Pwetty pwease?" A single glistening tear, a diamond of pure guilt. "We're best fweinds…I need you…don't you CARE?"

                                            >Oh Tartarus…


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                                            >Tartarus. Evil's forever home. The stuff of nightmares and naughty foals.

                                            >Princess privilege unlocks all doors, even ones to really dumb ideas.

                                            >The trio trotted - Twilight taut, Rarity rapt, Lyra...Lyra-ing.

                                            >Down, down, down into the bowels of the prison and their own bad decisions.

                                            >There lay Tirek, once mighty, now a shriveled husk. His crimson coat draped limply over a gangly frame, once-powerful limbs drooping without muscle. A gaunt, emaciated face grimaced beneath the glossy black mane.

                                            >Twilight almost pitied him. Almost.

                                            >"Well, well, well." A dusty baritone cough. "If it isn't 'Princess' Twilight Sparkle!" He side-eyed Rarity. "With her prissy lackey." His focus shifted to Lyra. "And... you?"

                                            >She puffed out her chest. "Lyra Heartstrings! Equestria's leading--"

                                            >"I don't care."

                                            >"Oh..."

                                            >Rarity huffed. The nerve! Was that any way to greet a lady who'd journeyed to Tartarus for you?

                                            >"To what do I owe this wretched honor? Shouldn't you be frolicking in fields? Braiding manes?"

                                            >Twilight braced herself. No retreat now.

                                            >"Tirek, we require your expertise."

                                            >Ooh, the old centaur liked that!

                                            >"Well, well! How the mighty have stooped!" He lurched forward, shackles jangling. "What cataclysm could drive you to such despair?"

                                            >Apocalyptic visions danced in his eyes. Gleeful fantasies of Equestria's downfall, each more twisted than the last.

                                            >Discord unhinged, on a chaos rampage. Celestia succumbing to cake and becoming a bedridden blob.

                                            >"Where are the humans? Tell us now!" Rarity burst out.

                                            >A pregnant pause. A distant drip of moldy water.

                                            >You could smell the gears grinding in his head.

                                            >"Come again?" he stammered.

                                            >"We.KNOW.you.KNOW!" Lyra raved, foaming slightly. "Secret lore and lewd legends!" She dropped to a seedy whisper. "The kinky cross-species stuff!"

                                            >The prisoner shot a long-suffering look at the ceiling. What unholy transgressions had he done to warrant this idiocy?

                                            >...Oh yeah. Those.

                                            >He straightened - best he could, given the hunched, weakened state he was in.

                                            >Time to horse-trade.

                                            >"Ah yes, humans," Tirek mused, picking grime from his nails. "Quite the enigma, aren't they?"

                                            >Rarity vibrated like a champagne bottle about to pop.

                                            >Twilight ached like a wisdom tooth.

                                            >"So you DO know!" Lyra gasped.

                                            >"Perhaps I am," he shrugged. "Or perhaps" - here he smirked - "I've gone mad with isolation. Who's to say?"

                                            >A scathing quip boiled in Twilight's throat--

                                            >--But Rarity beat her to the punch.

                                            >"Darling," she purred, batting lashes bedazzled for the occasion, "I know we quarreled in the past. But surely a big, brave, brilliant centaur like you could sate a mare's curiosity?"

                                            >"I don't find you attractive at all."

                                            >Rarity reeled back. The AUDACITY! The sheer, unmitigated GALL!

                                            >"Why, you… you uncouth, uncultured, un-EVERYTHING ruffian! You wouldn't know true beauty if it bit you on the flank!"

                                            >She stamped a hoof, snorting steam.

                                            >"I've trekked to Tartarus itself on a quest for pet-fection! Survived Twilight's unending neighsaying! And if you believe for an instant--"

                                            >Deep breaths. You catch more flies with honey than pickle juice.

                                            >"Ahem." She primly fluffed her mane. "I mean, perhaps we started on the wrong hoof." Dazzling smile, only faintly forced. "I sympathize, truly. Tartarus is simply so…dull. Dreary. Utterly un-stimulating! And you, poor dear, stuck here devoid of any luxury!"

                                            >Was that the sweet scent of a bribe? What pretty bauble would she waggle? Gems? A Get Out of Tartarus Free card?

                                            >But no - from her saddlebags sprang a… magazine?

                                            >"Voilà!" She preened, flaunting it. "The freshest Vanity Mare issue! Packed with the trendiest styles and juiciest rumors and--" She leaned close. "--Beauty Tricks!"

                                            >"…"

                                            >"Crosswords and Sudoku in the back!"

                                            >"…Deal."

                                            >"SERIOUSLY?!" Twilight screeched, inches from spontaneous combustion. "JUST LIKE THAT?!"

                                            >"Well, Excuse Me, Princess!" Tirek's sneer was impressively condescending for a half-starved prisoner. "It's not as if I'm spoiled for entertainment, imprisoned in this festering pit YOU dumped me in!"

                                            >In a haughty huff, he snatched the pages through the bars.

                                            >"Besides, I don't really know much about humans."

                                            >"B-but ancient centaur human lore--" Lyra bleated in betrayal.

                                            >"Libraries aren't my thing."

                                            >"But surely you must know something - anything!"

                                            >"Well…"

                                            >Tirek savored that flicker of hope - let it marinate a moment. Those tasty, tasty dreams.

                                            >Only to crush them with the barest morsels of truth. He was evil, after all.

                                            >"There were stories - bah, old nag's tales! But yes, a piddling detail about… a rainbow bridge."

                                            >"RAINBOW BRIDGE?!" In perfect screaming harmony.

                                            >"Yes, a 'wondrous roadway' between worlds. Ours and the so-called humans'. Not that I put stock in such hogwash."

                                            >A harsh wheeze hacked free, not quite a laugh.

                                            >"As if some prismatic parlor trick could-"

                                            >Best change topics before irony struck.

                                            >"Believe what you will," he snapped, suddenly exhausted. "That's the sum of it. No refund after purchase."

                                            >Oh, Rarity wanted to haggle! The manic mercantile glint was unmistakable. But a royal nip to the withers and a firm shove scooted her along.

                                            >"Come along girls, we're done here."

                                            >The dungeon doors screeched behind them, as ominous slabs were contractually obligated.

                                            >Only once the hoofbeats faded did Tirek allow himself a grin. He flipped the confiscated magazine with glee.

                                            >Sudoku! Crosswords! Numbered boxes just begging to be filled! Oh, what rapturous--

                                            >--His face fell.

                                            >There, stark beneath the unforgiving torchlight, mocked the filled in boxes and completed crossword clues.

                                            >"CUUUUUURSE YOU, POOOONIES!"


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                                            >Two days.

                                            >Forty-eight hours since Rarity's "grand revelation" landed them in the heart of Tartarus. (Circle five, cell twelve. Ask for Tirek.)

                                            >Twilight promised, then, to research this "Rainbow Bridge." A fool's hope that facts might cameo in this catastrophe.

                                            >Now? She suspected she was the rump of the universe's joke.

                                            >Because clearly, something had slipped her esteemed mind. A key factor that thoroughly explained this mess.

                                            >HER FRIENDS WERE BUCKING LUNATICS.

                                            >"Okay, Rarity," She groaned, trying not to grind her teeth into powder. "Could you, perhaps, please repeat - and I cannot stress SLOWLY enough - your 'plan'?"

                                            >Ponyville's square had become a theater of the absurd. The six Element-bearers, starring in: "Death of Reason: A Tragedy".

                                            >And oh, wasn't Rarity relishing her role as ringmaster?

                                            >"Darling, it's really quite simple! First--"

                                            >Reason girded its loins.

                                            >"--We activate our Rainbow Power, transforming into our most glorious, glamorous, glittery selves!"

                                            >Sense and Logic got drunk at the bar.

                                            >"THEN, our dearest Rainbow Dash--"

                                            >"Me! That's me!"

                                            >"--Yes, thank you, dear - performs her SPECTACULAR Sonic Rainboom!"

                                            >The bartender cut them off. They stumbled out, seeking greener pastures.

                                            >"And VOILA! The combination of Rainbow Power and Rainboom will manifest into a majestic bridge straight to the mythical human realm!"

                                            >Sanity died - not with a whimper, but a "YEAH LET'S DO IT".

                                            >No, wait, that was Rainbow Dash again - in her Grand Galloping Gala dress?!

                                            >"Dash… why are you wearing--"

                                            >"Duh! For MAXIMUM RAINBOWNESS!"

                                            >Of course. What else.

                                            >"Oooh, oooh! Does that mean a DOUBLE RAINBOOM?!"

                                            >…Et tu, Pinkie?

                                            >"A 'double rainboom' is physically impossible! The Rainboom effect results from Dash breaking the sound barrier at specific atmospheric conditions. Duplicating it would require her to exceed the speed of sound TWICE within--"

                                            >She was talking to empty air. The madmares were already plotting logistics.

                                            >Desperate eyes scoured her friends - surely SOMEPONY saw reason?!

                                            >Applejack! Steadfast, salt-of-the-earth Applejack!

                                            >"Ah'll be honest, Twi. This whole 'human' thing don't much matter t'me. But hey! No harm seein' what happens!"

                                            >Fluttershy, then? Sweet, sensible Flutters--

                                            >"Well, um, it does sound a teensy bit dangerous…"

                                            >YES! FINALLY! SANITY'S BASTION--

                                            >"…B-but those creatures Rarity described do sound soooo cute! I wouldn't mind meeting one…if that's alright…"

                                            >Celestia spare her.

                                            >"FINE! You know what? Fine. Let's just - let's do it. It's fine. Everything's fine."

                                            >Twilight threw her hooves skyward, dignity be damned.

                                            >"But I'm telling you - the Rainbow Power is for IMPORTANT things! Like, I don't know, SAVING EQUESTRIA! It won't activate for-for THIS!"

                                            >Thus proclaimed the Princess of Friendship, Bearer of Magic, Last Sane Mare in this Asylum.

                                            >A memo Rarity clearly missed.

                                            >"Twilight, darling! Was it not FATE that led us here?"

                                            >Idiocy, more like. And terminally poor judgment.

                                            >"Did DESTINY not call my name?"

                                            >Vanity, dear. The word is vanity.

                                            >"Did we not BRAVE Tartarus itself for this noble cause?"

                                            >You bribed an evil centaur with Sudoku.

                                            >"Think, my friends, of the JOURNEY we have undertaken!"

                                            >Think, Rarity, of my blood pressure.

                                            >"It began, yes, as a humble quest to pamper this glamorous coat. But it became so much more!"

                                            >Twilight regretted every choice that had led to this moment.

                                            >"A REVELATION! That Equestria - nay, PONYKIND - remains incomplete!"

                                            >Please. Stop. Talking.

                                            >"Incomplete without those mythic digits to revel in our plush perfection!"

                                            >PLEASE. Cease. Speech.

                                            >"Every pony - from the humblest filly to the noblest stallion - DESERVES their Pet Paradise!"

                                            >Okay, credit due, that was a good line--

                                            >"Pet Paradise!" Pinkie cheered.

                                            >"Pet Paradise!" Fluttershy echoed, swept up.

                                            >Oh no.

                                            >"PET PARADISE!" Applejack and Rainbow roared, stomping hooves.

                                            >To Twilight's dawning horror, the chant spread.

                                            >"Pet Paradise! Pet Paradise!"

                                            >Flower-sellers.

                                            >"PET PARADISE! PET PARADISE!"

                                            >That pony with the cabbage cart.

                                            >All Ponyville, whipped to a frenzy, hooves pounding like war drums.

                                            >"PET PARADISE! PET PARADISE! PET! PA! RA! DISE!"

                                            >And then…

                                            >A flash seared Twilight's retinas.

                                            >The Rainbow Power ignited.

                                            >"IT WORKED!" Rarity squealed, positively aglow. Literally. Figuratively.

                                            >Disgustingly.

                                            >"AWESOME!"

                                            >And there went Rainbow, rocketing skyward in a prismatic streak, Gala dress fluttering.

                                            >"Careful, dear! Don't rip the chiffon!"

                                            >"Are you INSANE?!" Twilight screeched, "This is INSANE! YOU'RE ALL INSANE!"

                                            >Physics itself rumbled in protest.

                                            >The sky warped, distortion's domain.

                                            >And just as her mind sought that final, numbing shroud of denial…

                                            >…the first Rainboom shattered the horizon.

                                            >A heartbeat later - a second, a double-vision echo. Fringes mingled, cacophonies united.

                                            >A shimmering mirage of hooves, tails and sequins spiraled prismatic into the distance.

                                            >And for one perfect fractured second, Rarity's face beamed back - ecstasy incarnate.

                                            >Gone.

                                            >Awed hush smothered the crowd.

                                            >"Well I'll be…" Applejack whistled. "A Rainbow Bridge."

                                            >"Shiny," Pinkie said, in soul-crushing clarity.

                                            >"Oh my…" Fluttershy uttered, no more, no less.

                                            >But Twilight? Twilight stared into that abyss.

                                            >The abyss awkwardly glanced away.

                                            >She said nothing. Did nothing. Thought nothing.

                                            >Nothing, except to trot to the library.

                                            >Once more, books were her only friends.


                                            ═══════════════════════════════════════════════════ ● Ending A ● ════════════════════════════════════════════════════


                                            >Megan was having one of THOSE days.

                                            >Burnt toast, spoiled milk, and - oh look - a shimmering rainbow bridge in her backyard.

                                            >"Son of a--!"

                                            >Nope, gotta keep it G-rated. Especially with THEM around.

                                            >THEM being those pastel ponies she'd TRIED to school on "emergencies."

                                            >Braiding manes? Not an emergency. Baking cupcakes? Nope. Evil overlord conquering the land? Now we're talking.

                                            >But who kept putting HER on apocalypse duty anyway? Did someone go and make her Xena, Pony Princess while she wasn't looking?

                                            >That rant could wait. Baby steps.

                                            >Or rather, hoofsteps.

                                            >Big-girl panties? Metaphorically on. Jacket? Actually on. Go-time.

                                            >"Guys, we JUST went over this--"

                                            >Speech died on her tongue. Her tongue died in her throat.

                                            >Because those sure as sugar weren't HER ponies on the other side.

                                            >Sleeker. Shinier. Sex-

                                            >Down, girl. Bad Megan!

                                            >"Can I... help you?"

                                            >There stood Mare-lyn Monroe herself, in the flesh.

                                            >Fur.

                                            >Whatever.

                                            >Little Miss Bombshell trotted up, all va-va-voom curves and shampoo commercial mane.

                                            >Pillow lips purred in dulcet tones:

                                            >"Oh darling, I do hope so~"

                                            >…

                                            >Megan was having one of THOSE days.


                                            ══════════════════════════════════════════════════ ● Epilogue A ● ════════════════════════════════════════════════════


                                            >"I'm not ALWAYS a killjoy," Twilight huffed, melting like putty in Megan's hands.

                                            >Their gazes met.

                                            >"Mmmph~ I let my mane down sometimes! You should see these flanks on Library Club Night."

                                            >Silence, save for the rhythmic scratching of fingers through fur.

                                            >Megan had a PhD in smile-and-nod friendshipology.

                                            >"It's just - this entire quest was utter nonsense!"

                                            >Twilight rolled her eyes heavenward. Her legs shivered, blissed out.

                                            >"Sure, Rarity got her way. And fine, yes, this is--ooh, right there--lovely... but still!"

                                            >A shrug said 'whaddya gonna do?'

                                            >"Hey, I get it. Believe me, I've starred in my share of contrived adventures."

                                            >"Huh? So you don't think--Aaaaah~--"

                                            >"Not at all! And I'm really glad for everything you did - this whole interdimensional petting setup is honestly incredible!"

                                            >An embarrassed, pleased ear flick.

                                            >Skritch skritch.

                                            >"You think?"

                                            >"Definitely. I mean, that whole plan? Straight up 4D chess brain wizardry!"

                                            >Her Highness lit up, smug as a 100-watt bulb.

                                            >"Three dimensions, technically."

                                            >"Was that a joke?"

                                            >"I told you..."

                                            >"That you're not a killjoy. Got it. Duly noted." Megan smiled. "Still, thank you. Scheduled snuggle sessions have done wonders for my social life."

                                            >Twilight snorted, regal snoot scrunching.

                                            >Skritchy skritch skritchy.

                                            >"This is still a hot interdimensional mess, you realize."

                                            >"Ya think?"

                                            >"Megan, we proved the existence of not one, but TWO new dimensions - not to mention a mythic race called 'humans'! It's monumental!"

                                            >"Really? Hadn't noticed," Megan deadpanned.

                                            >"Your sarcasm is not appreciated!"

                                            >Twilight huffed, wings ruffling.

                                            >"I'm not joking! Where do we go from here? Press conference? Friendship ambassadors? 'Welcome to Ponyville' fruit baskets?"

                                            >"Your snoot boop privileges are about to be revoked."

                                            >Twilight owlblinked, maw agape, then snapped shut with a pout.

                                            >"But--mmph!"

                                            >She wilted with a sigh. "FINE. I'll shut my lid on this can of pony worms."

                                            >"Good girls get headpats."

                                            >Murmurgrumblesigh, then - "Hmph!...Ooh~"

                                            >Clack, clack - manicured nails on the royal noggin. Mane-tenance mode activated.

                                            >"And belly rubs."

                                            >Floompf. Twilight plopped, tummy skyward. Vanity quests upending universes – life sure was a stitch.

                                            >Navel-gazing later. Blissed-out bellyrubs now.

                                            >Then, revelation struck!

                                            >"Wait! Those human books I asked for - did you-"

                                            >"Already alphabetized and annotated, just for you."

                                            >Twilight beamed. NOW she could relax.


                                            ══════════════════════════════════════════════════ ● Ending B ● ════════════════════════════════════════════════════


                                            >There's a Rather Attractive Rump on your Rather Confused Lap.

                                            >It belongs, it seems, to a Rather Attractive Pony.

                                            >The fact she's a pony still scrambles your brain.

                                            >Ponies shouldn't talk. Shouldn't seduce. Shouldn't radiate sass from every curve.

                                            >"Well?" she coos. "Don't be shy, darling! I'm allllll yours"

                                            "A-Are you sure?" >Your words stumble out.

                                            "We just met and this is all so sudden--"

                                            >She silences you with a hoof to the lips. It's softer than a whisper.

                                            >"Shhh." Seductive. Sultry. Slightly silly. "I've waited EONS for this moment!"

                                            >Her lashes dance, butterfly kisses. "Just… be gentle," she adds, with a hint of maiden modesty.

                                            >Trembling fingers reach out, hovering inches from her body.

                                            "…Should I use protection?" >Your eyes dart to the gardening gloves.

                                            >"Don't be silly, dear! We don't need any… rubber~"

                                            >Your hand drifts down, a leaf on the wind.

                                            >"Touch me! Touch me like only a human can!"

                                            >Contact. Coat. Cosmic quiver

                                            >Somewhere, somehow, a Twilight Sparkle screams.

                                            >Superlatives assault your senses.

                                            >Softest of the soft. Sleekest of the sleek. Smoothest of the smooth.

                                            >It's like stroking a cloud. A velvet cloud.

                                            >A velvet cloud bathed in fabric softener.

                                            >"Oooooh"

                                            >That moan. Sweet Jesus, that moan.

                                            >It's the audible equivalent of cashmere, caressing your eardrums.

                                            >Delicate. Dulcet. Depraved.

                                            >…Definitely depraved.

                                            >"More! More!" Those big blue eyes demand worship.

                                            >You comply, an infidel in the face of her holy sofness.

                                            >"Mmmmm!" She arches, catlike. Ponylike? "You've clearly done this before, darling"

                                            "Well, uh, not exactly... I mean, I've petted but nothing this intense..."

                                            >Plush plot sways, mocking your naivety.

                                            >"Don't worry." Her voice is honey, is silk, is sin. "I'll be gentle~"

                                            >You never stood a chance.

                                            >"Relax, darling. Let your hands roam lower, hmmm?”

                                            >Your hand drifts south, brushing forbidden regions.

                                            >"Lower" She purrs.

                                            >Drifting, descending…

                                            >"Lower!"

                                            >Exploration into uncharted--

                                            >"Ahem! Too low!"

                                            >You jerk back, face flaming.

                                            "S-Sorry!"

                                            >"Right...here." She places your hand on the Spot. That Spot.

                                            >It's… Is that her--

                                            >"Go on, darling!" She wiggles impishly. "Put a finger in!"

                                            >Brain short-circuits. Rational thought takes a vacation.

                                            "I-In?

                                            >Those bedroom eyes. Dear god, those eyes.

                                            >They undress you, body and soul.

                                            >"You heard me~" A hint of dominance. Of command. "In!"

                                            >Trancelike, you comply. Probing. Penetrating…

                                            >"Oooh! Oh! Yes! THERE!"

                                            >Pony pelvis bucks brazenly, ravenously.

                                            >You feast, fingers first. Into the equinholy of holies.

                                            >"Feel the magic?" She moans. "Feel it deep inside me?!"

                                            >Electricity jolts through you, a spark jumping from pony to person.

                                            >"That's the spot, darling!" She gasps, grinding against your finger. "My most sensitive place!"

                                            >She leans close, hot breath tickling your ear.

                                            >Whispers the filthiest phrase known to man.

                                            >"My belly button~"

                                            >So hot. So velvety. So forbidden.

                                            >"Probe deeper! Ohhh, you're... nearly... THERE!"

                                            >She's close. So close. Teetering on the brink of rapture.

                                            >Your finger probes, presses, PLUNGES--

                                            >"D-D-Don't stop! I'm… I'm…"

                                            >She screams to the heavens with the voice of angels.

                                            >Her hips buck and jerk in finger-fueled ecstasy.

                                            >"I'M ACHIEVING PETTING PAROXYSM!"

                                            >In an explosion of sparkles and stars, her horn erupts in rainbow radiance.

                                            >Magic geysers, painting your face in prismatic passion.

                                            >She collapses, boneless. Breathless.

                                            >Purple locks tousled so beautifully.

                                            >Your digits remains buried.

                                            >In her belly button.

                                            >…

                                            >"That was wonderful, darling!"

                                            >She rolls onto her back, gazing adoringly up at you from your lap.

                                            >"We simply MUST do it again! And again! And AGAIN!"

                                            >You contemplate the refractory period of ponies.

                                            >"Oh! Oh! I know!" She squirms excitedly. "Next, you can rub my--"

                                            >There's a Rather Attractive Rump on your Rather Shellshocked Lap.

                                            >It belongs, it seems, to a Rather Attractive Pony.

                                            >Who craves an encore.