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Tit for Tat

By NHanon
Created: 2024-10-27 23:34:25
Expiry: Never

  1. 1.
    >There’s so much talk, but it’s about nothing interesting.
  2. 2.
    >Who cares about history, really?
  3. 3.
    >You turn to speak to another pony, but are immediately ignored.
  4. 4.
    >Looking to everypony else, it’s all the same.
  5. 5.
    >Why is it like that?
  6. 6.
    >One minute, you’ll get in with a group.
  7. 7.
    >The next, that might as well never have happened.
  8. 8.
    >It’s like being… invisible.
  9. 9.
    >This isn’t supposed to happen.
  10. 10.
    >Too much has been done to prevent exactly /that/.
  11. 11.
    >Is it the mane and tail?
  12. 12.
    >No, it’s the same style as it’s always been.
  13. 13.
    >What about the makeup, is that off?
  14. 14.
    >It can’t be, at least, it shouldn’t be.
  15. 15.
    >Then- wait.
  16. 16.
    >Did the bell just ring?
  17. 17.
    >Everypony is leaving now.
  18. 18.
    >The day just started, though.
  19. 19.
    >It doesn’t matter, get up, go along like everypony else does.
  20. 20.
    >That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
  21. 21.
    >It’s hard to pay attention sometimes.
  22. 22.
    >The mind wanders, often to places far away, or deep within.
  23. 23.
    >Scatterbrained, that’s what some call it.
  24. 24.
    >No pony is talking, well, not to you.
  25. 25.
    >Ignored.
  26. 26.
    >Any momentum begins to leave.
  27. 27.
    >No matter what way it’s approached, every day ends this way, it seems.
  28. 28.
    >And always, it’s at a random point completely unknown to you.
  29. 29.
    >Once outside, the world feels lost, too.
  30. 30.
    >Because despite being the middle of the afternoon, it feels much later.
  31. 31.
    >There’s faces, going which and everyway, but never give even so much a glance your way.
  32. 32.
    >Voices, but they’re kept to their groups.
  33. 33.
    >None of them want to include, well… you.
  34. 34.
    >Silence soon falls.
  35. 35.
    >Even the world itself joins in that quiet chorus.
  36. 36.
    >The sky above is without sunshine.
  37. 37.
    >Gray clouds blot it out for as far as the eye can see.
  38. 38.
    >Those trees seen are stiff.
  39. 39.
    >Life yet lifelessness.
  40. 40.
    >A sigh leaves you.
  41. 41.
    >Some ponies would call a day like this bad.
  42. 42.
    >They also say that those come every now and then, but never last forever.
  43. 43.
    >If that’s the case, why does it feel like they’ve been growing longer with each day?
  44. 44.
    >There are some differences, such as movi-
  45. 45.
    >No, don’t think about it.
  46. 46.
    >Focus on the positive.
  47. 47.
    >Easy to say, harder to do.
  48. 48.
    >Things often feel much more different.
  49. 49.
    >Foals think that way, which would make you a-
  50. 50.
    >Stop it.
  51. 51.
    >Don’t deny it.
  52. 52.
    >But-
  53. 53.
    >Being a misfit is a truth – a state of being for you.
  54. 54.
    >Every part of yourself turns heavy, with slowed, mechanical-like movements that start to carry you along.
  55. 55.
    >Your gaze falls, kept to the road, bobbing in time to the steady steps.
  56. 56.
    >It’s like there’s a leech sapping the life out.
  57. 57.
    >When did it become like this?
  58. 58.
    >Better yet, why did /you/ let it happen?
  59. 59.
    >No answer.
  60. 60.
    >Absent.
  61. 61.
    >Heh, funny word.
  62. 62.
    >That’s one that describes your life to a T.
  63. 63.
    >It shouldn’t be that way.
  64. 64.
     
  65. 65.
    >Don’t think about it.
  66. 66.
    >Keep moving forward, eyes trained anywhere but back behind.
  67. 67.
    >That’s a cope, and you know it.
  68. 68.
    >So what, if it keeps you going, then it’s fine.
  69. 69.
    >Moreover, it’s the lighthouse in the darkness of the storm, guiding your weary ship to a safe haven.
  70. 70.
    >What a weird thought.
  71. 71.
    >Kinda poetic, though, isn’t it?
  72. 72.
    “...suppose.”
  73. 73.
    >It’s from that poetry book you’ve been reading so much.
  74. 74.
    >It gets you more than anypony does.
  75. 75.
    >That’s messed up.
  76. 76.
    >No-
  77. 77.
    >Because you’re messed-
  78. 78.
    >Stop it.
  79. 79.
    >Various homes of shapes and sizes are passed by, drawing away your attention.
  80. 80.
    >The yards are not much different.
  81. 81.
    >But like everything else, there is not a soul to be seen, not since the last bell rang earlier.
  82. 82.
    >What would it matter if there was one?
  83. 83.
    >You could talk to them, and-
  84. 84.
    >Any of them would hold the same looks, the same feelings, towards you.
  85. 85.
    >Maybe it will be diff-
  86. 86.
    >No exceptions. Now, ask yourself this: do you /really/ want that?
  87. 87.
    “...no.”
  88. 88.
    >Good, at least that’s something that you understand.
  89. 89.
    >Things wouldn’t be that way if everypony would stop being against you for whatever reason.
  90. 90.
    >There *is* a reason: you’re a misfit to them.
  91. 91.
    >Stop thinking about it.
  92. 92.
    >A slowed, delayed glance is given towards one of the houses passed.
  93. 93.
    >Like the trees, it’s stilled, the features appearing as though they will never, ever change.
  94. 94.
    >Almost every house along the block is identical – same colors, same shapes, same general idea.
  95. 95.
    >That’s wrong.
  96. 96.
    >They should stand out proudly, like you do.
  97. 97.
    >Where would that lead?
  98. 98.
    >…
  99. 99.
    >Stop thinking about it, then.
  100. 100.
    “It’s not that-”
  101. 101.
    >You shut your mouth.
  102. 102.
    >Gaze falls forward again.
  103. 103.
    >Ponies shouldn’t hear you talking to yourself, least they think you’re weirder than you already are.
  104. 104.
    >At the end of the block, far up ahead, a single house steals away everything.
  105. 105.
    >While it highly resembles the rest, it has just enough of a difference to make it stand out in its own, special way.
  106. 106.
    >Home.
  107. 107.
    >A small, candle-like light flickers to life from within.
  108. 108.
    >In that moment, a pull swells, growing stronger and stronger.
  109. 109.
    >For the first time since the day started, everything picks up – breathing, heartbeat, and more.
  110. 110.
    >Sunlight peeks through the cloud curtain, seemingly on cue.
  111. 111.
    >All of the monochrome vanishes.
  112. 112.
    >And it’s only now that you realize that you’re galloping at full speed.
  113. 113.
    >Nothing matters, not in this final stretch.
  114. 114.
    >Everything is within reach.
  115. 115.
    >Because regardless of how the day has gone so far, there can finally be some peace to it.
  116. 116.
    >You blitz through the front yard, up to the door, the entirety of you brimming with energy.
  117. 117.
    >You grasp the handle to turn it, yet…
  118. 118.
    “Huh?”
  119. 119.
    >...it doesn’t turn fully.
  120. 120.
    >A pause is given.
  121. 121.
    >Then, the handle is tried again.
  122. 122.
    >Locked.
  123. 123.
    >It should not be locked.
  124. 124.
    >It /cannot/ be locked, not when you need to see your-
  125. 125.
    >Stop it.
  126. 126.
    >In spite of that command, the locked door remains unchanged.
  127. 127.
     
  128. 128.
    >All at once, everything – inside and out – returns to its former, gray, heavy state from moments ago.
  129. 129.
    >Stay.
  130. 130.
    >Go.
  131. 131.
    >Indecision.
  132. 132.
    >Inaction.
  133. 133.
    >Inward, stupid thoughts.
  134. 134.
    >You know who’s stupid-?
  135. 135.
    >With an absentminded retrieval of keys, you unlock and open the door.
  136. 136.
    >Slowly, you shuffle inside.
  137. 137.
    >Much like the world outside, it’s totally inside in here.
  138. 138.
    >There’s actual color to be had, though.
  139. 139.
    >Meaning is held, not lost.
  140. 140.
    >Despite know better, an old habit, driven by a remnant, kicks in.
  141. 141.
    “I’m home!”
  142. 142.
    >Silence.
  143. 143.
    >There will be a time when that is different, right?
  144. 144.
    >Don’t ask stupid questions.
  145. 145.
    >Instead, think of how this is just a coincidence.
  146. 146.
    >That’s a lie.
  147. 147.
    >It doesn’t hurt so much.
  148. 148.
    >You trudge through the living room, bits of things catching your gaze for a second or two.
  149. 149.
    >The furniture is all new, like it just came from the store floor.
  150. 150.
    >Little trinkets on shelves, holding traces of places once visited.
  151. 151.
    >Pictures hang along the walls, moments in time captured.
  152. 152.
    >All of them are the same – nothing lasts forever.
  153. 153.
    >Everything is so familiar, but…
  154. 154.
    >No.
  155. 155.
    >Thoughts tune out upon entering the kitchen.
  156. 156.
    >A nice large, open room, yet not much different in terms of newness or lifelessness.
  157. 157.
    >Except for a single, solitary difference.
  158. 158.
    >Sitting atop the table, a written note.
  159. 159.
    >The words are read through carefully, clinging to the voice of their owner.
  160. 160.
    >All but one part is disregarded: we have to work late again.
  161. 161.
    “Ha… ha… so funny.”
  162. 162.
    >It’s the joke that never gets old, right?
  163. 163.
    >It’s an excuse.
  164. 164.
    >Wrong, it’s a lie, a very, /very/ cruel one.
  165. 165.
    >How many times has it been written, said, or read?
  166. 166.
    >How many more times will that repeat?
  167. 167.
    >How much more will it last?
  168. 168.
    >Ask yourself that.
  169. 169.
    >You grit your teeth.
  170. 170.
    >A light creak escapes from your mouth.
  171. 171.
    >Nothing is right about any of this.
  172. 172.
    >And knowing how the pattern goes, it will soon be followed by mov-
  173. 173.
    “No, just… no.”
  174. 174.
    >Why not try to change it?
  175. 175.
    >Stupid question, it’s already been answered.
  176. 176.
    >You can beg.
  177. 177.
    >You can plead.
  178. 178.
    >You can do anything.
  179. 179.
    >But that won’t change how everything stays in the cycle.
  180. 180.
    >From deep inside of you, an emotion bubbles to the surface.
  181. 181.
    >In an act and a grow, the note is nothing more than a mess of confetti, soon deposited into the trash.
  182. 182.
    >This form is better.
  183. 183.
    >No pain.
  184. 184.
    >No want.
  185. 185.
    >No worry.
  186. 186.
    >Absence may be a bane, but this one created by you is just a tiny bit better.
  187. 187.
    >Leaving behind the downstairs, you venture up.
  188. 188.
     
  189. 189.
    >The last door at the end of the hall stands out.
  190. 190.
    >Decorations adorn it, with art, cutouts from magazines, and more, all of that you’ve collected or made over time.
  191. 191.
    >Standing in front that door, it’s…
  192. 192.
    >You open it, with a soft, sound escaping.
  193. 193.
    >Some would’ve mistaken that for creaky hinges.
  194. 194.
    >To you, however, it’s a warm, grateful noise.
  195. 195.
    >Because in there, everything is safe, all right, good, and just.
  196. 196.
    >Your bedroom.
  197. 197.
    >Dropping your things to the wayside, you make a beeline to the large system gathered at the corner of the room.
  198. 198.
    >You slowly trace a hoof over it, drawing a small smile across your lips.
  199. 199.
    >This is the single most important possession.
  200. 200.
    >It always gives more back so much.
  201. 201.
    >And with one flick of a switch, it starts up.
  202. 202.
    >Music floods the room in a tidal wave.
  203. 203.
    >Throughout the day, weight was carried, added on, and forced to bear.
  204. 204.
    >Actions – both yours and others – did that.
  205. 205.
    >They don’t accept you.
  206. 206.
    >They never will.
  207. 207.
    >Hurt is all that-
  208. 208.
    >That thought is cut short by a heavy bass drop.
  209. 209.
    >Music aids in easing the troubles.
  210. 210.
    >That poetry book you bought recently also helps in that.
  211. 211.
    >On the occasion when there is… somepony else here, earphones have to be relied on to enjoy either.
  212. 212.
    >While that does give it a unique kind of effect, it doesn’t feel nearly as free.
  213. 213.
    >At least being alone here and now, everything can be loud and proud.
  214. 214.
    >Being alone might as well stay that-
  215. 215.
    >Stop it.
  216. 216.
    >It’s normal, though.
  217. 217.
    >Wrong.
  218. 218.
    >How so?
  219. 219.
    >Thinking anything that contradicts it doesn’t help.
  220. 220.
    >No, it doesn’t.
  221. 221.
    >Things would be better if those gloomy thoughts were absent, unlike… well, you know.
  222. 222.
    >True, but at least those thoughts don’t want to move all the time.
  223. 223.
    >Eyes squeeze shut.
  224. 224.
    >Ears clamp down.
  225. 225.
    “Don’t think about it.”
  226. 226.
    >Don’tthinkaboutdon’tthinkaboutit-
  227. 227.
    >A thunder of music ends that thought.
  228. 228.
    >Breathing gradually eases.
  229. 229.
    >Eyes open.
  230. 230.
    >Ears go up.
  231. 231.
    >Same room, same house.
  232. 232.
    >It’s okay.
  233. 233.
    >Though it would be more okay if things could finally stay put, or be removed as easily as your appearance.
  234. 234.
    >That would make it fake, then.
  235. 235.
    “That’s not- it’s not…”
  236. 236.
    >No need to finish that sentence, especially when it would be a lie.
  237. 237.
    >Piercings? Fake.
  238. 238.
    >Collar? Fake.
  239. 239.
    >Scars? Yep, also fake.
  240. 240.
    >Even the style of your mane and tail, they’re fake, too.
  241. 241.
    >There’s so little of you that is authentic.
  242. 242.
    >Most ponies know that.
  243. 243.
    >Even if you were tell them the truth, they’d think you were lying or something.
  244. 244.
    “I’m not…”
  245. 245.
    >You’re not what… a fake, a poser?
  246. 246.
    >Remember: no pony will EVER accept you for who you are.
  247. 247.
    >If, by some chance, you could go back to how you once were, nothing would change.
  248. 248.
    >That’s why you have to alter yourself so much, just to fit in.
  249. 249.
     
  250. 250.
    >Yet still, you are invisible.
  251. 251.
    “Just…”
  252. 252.
    >No.
  253. 253.
    “...stop, please.”
  254. 254.
    >Things don’t change, no matter what you do.
  255. 255.
    >Focus on the music.
  256. 256.
    >Why bother?
  257. 257.
    >It’s gentle, soothing.
  258. 258.
    >For how long?
  259. 259.
    >The lyrics understand.
  260. 260.
    >Don’t kid-
  261. 261.
    >They don’t hurt.
  262. 262.
    >A-
  263. 263.
    >And now, they’re carrying you away; the melody sweeping you off your hooves.
  264. 264.
    >Words flow free, no longer constrained by pain.
  265. 265.
    “~It’s okay that everything was bad~
  266. 266.
    ~It’s okay that everything was sad~
  267. 267.
    ~It’s okay that nothing went your way~
  268. 268.
    ~In the end, life goes on, come what may~”
  269. 269.
    >Huh, a set of rhymes.
  270. 270.
    >That book seems to be rubbing off on you.
  271. 271.
    >Maybe these could be written down, perhaps even into a song.
  272. 272.
    >You could share it.
  273. 273.
    >Everypony would like that, and then they would-
  274. 274.
    >The dancing stops, not with a thought, but with a truth.
  275. 275.
    >You know how it plays out.
  276. 276.
    >It’s better to keep things as they are now.
  277. 277.
    >Ponies notice that state.
  278. 278.
    >They listen.
  279. 279.
    >They talk.
  280. 280.
    >Turn a blind eye to everything else.
  281. 281.
    >After a moment or two, you return to dancing.
  282. 282.
    >While the music plays, a series of actions take over.
  283. 283.
    >One by one, piece by piece, accessories are removed.
  284. 284.
    >The fewer there are, the more things change.
  285. 285.
    >Even after removing the last, it’s still not enough.
  286. 286.
    >Down comes your mane with a pull of a tie, followed by your tail in the same fashion.
  287. 287.
    >It all falls free, the way it’s meant to be.
  288. 288.
    >Dancing within the sanctuary of your bedroom, when no pony is around, a rare event can take place.
  289. 289.
    “~False idols removed~
  290. 290.
    ~Pains now soothed~
  291. 291.
    ~But the real is so near~
  292. 292.
    ~Forever true, forever here~
  293. 293.
    ~So a tit for a tat~
  294. 294.
    ~Be yourself, Kitkat~”
  295. 295.
    >Nothing left to fake.
  296. 296.
    >It won’t last long, but it’s enough for now.

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