TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY

 

TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY

 

Hey. TheAljavis here. So it’s been about two months since I posted my “1 Year Since my Severance From EoJ” doc. For a good while, it felt great to get everything off my chest since last year, and most people that responded to it were pretty happy that I was able to express myself. Unfortunately, as time went on, I quickly realized that what I said and how I said things had a VERY negative impact on those involved and mentioned in the doc.

 

If you want more context, here’s the link to the doc:

https://tinyurl.com/3uhkazfx (https://ponepaste.org/10743)

 

BETRAYING MY FRIENDSHIPS

You all might be confused at the subtitle of this section. Aren’t my friends still friends with me despite what happened a year ago? Well, yes. For the most part, they still are. But that doesn’t mean that friction didn’t happen.

When I initially started writing the “One Year Severance” doc, I only mentioned that I was working on it to a few of my closest friends, and only one heard a small fraction of it when I read it to them. So to most of my friends, the doc ended up being an out-of-nowhere post, having none of them mentally prepared for what I had to say.

The reason why I didn’t ask for any proofreading or input was because I felt like my thoughts and emotions should be my words alone. It wasn’t like my official severance doc, where I had two higher ups of EoJ help me write it to make sure that I was able to come out of what happened with a chance for a future beyond EoJ, and even a little bit of the follow up doc a month later. The One-Year doc contained purely MY words.

That will be the first amongst many BIG mistakes I’d make, and I didn’t even release the doc yet. As much as I believed that I was going through my own journey of trying to move on from my past, as I want to move on from EoJ, in the process, I disregarded my friends who are still part of the team. I didn’t consider that what I had to say would very likely affect how others perceived the EoJ team, and that in turn would affect the team morale. I broke their trust by speaking as if I was speaking for the whole team instead of giving room for others to provide their side of the story. It’s like if I was a prosecutor who tried to go for a guilty verdict without giving the defense a chance to, well, defend.

And then the doc got released. I fell asleep after I posted it, since I got back from my overnight shift, and I stayed up until noon EST to post it.

Like I said before, most were happy, and even proud, that I was able to let these festering thoughts and emotions out, and fans of EoJ supported me as well. It told me that I had a future beyond EoJ, and that I was finally ready to move on from it.

But not everyone reacted as positively as I had hoped. The first was the one that I name-dropped throughout the doc, MrG.

It was already bad enough that I was explaining some of the most personal stuff going on with him to the public, but to actually name-drop him to confirm that it was him was incredibly irresponsible of me. My reasoning for name dropping him and detailing what happened behind the scenes is because I thought if people knew how much he was struggling, people giving him a hard time would back off and support him more. The logic behind it is obviously very flawed, I see that now. I really should’ve gotten another pair of eyes to tell me that this was giving too much information. In fact, I should’ve shown this to MrG because he was mentioned quite a bit in the doc. He would’ve likely gotten upset at me for even attempting to give this much info to the public, but then he could have told me this was going too far and talked things out before anyone got hurt.

But I didn’t. I completely betrayed his trust and privacy, and for that, he has separated himself from me.

I respect that and I have no one to blame but myself. He trusted me that what went on behind the scenes was between me and him, and should have STAYED between us. If MrG is reading this, all I can really say is I’m sorry for destroying our friendship. If you wish to never connect again, I will respect that wish. I wish you the best with the rest of EoJ and your future endeavors.

 

OTHERS USED MY WORDS TO ATTACK EOJ

Literally the same day I released my one-year severance doc, another group posted their own doc AND 2-hour video to attack another member of the EoJ team, and amongst the ones attacking them, was a former member of the team. This former member was unfortunately found to be a toxic person who hurt another member of the team, and that member is a very close friend of mine. The former member was spreading harmful accusations without any proof about my friend, causing needless drama, severe stress, and health issues. My friend feared the former member was planning to use their words texted in EoJ against them, twisting them against them and adding to the problem. The thought made my friend feel unsafe on the team. The former member ended up doing so in the doc, turning those fears true. Even ran when the higher ups wanted to help resolve the conflict to ensure they both could feel safe on the team. They also sent their followers at EoJ’s Instagram to attack them over a meme a fan made using their art from an episode PR promoted.

This former member who was associated with the poster of the doc used my own doc as an opportunity to attack one of my friends, and in turn, the EoJ team, again. I don’t know about you guys, but this straight up made me feel like I was being stalked, as if they had been lurking through my account, searching for any ammo they could use. And considering they admitted to stalking my friend, I know they are capable of this. And when I came to that realization, I was like…

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!? I was DISGUSTED! You motherfuckers are actually scums of the earth for using my vulnerability as a weapon to hurt my friends. You used my ignorance and impulsiveness to attack those who did not deserve it. I hope you know that I will NEVER use my words to hurt others, and if any of you try to twist that, everyone will see through your bullshit.

Luckily, from what I heard, people didn’t take the posters or doc seriously, because there was nothing worth taking seriously, including my friend. Everyone mentioned in that doc could care less. They’re more than happy to let them continue and considering they’re getting blocked and blacklisted all over, I don’t blame them. The whole thing, thankfully, has been happily ignored by most everyone. My friend and their friends, at least, have thoroughly enjoyed their August and are doing great. But it doesn’t change the fact my doc contributed to what stress came from this. So to you toxic fucks who used my words to hurt my friends, consider getting a job and start contributing to society, because you certainly are the types of people that show why we can’t have nice things.

During this time, I’ve been hearing that my words were also used as a weapon in the EoJ fanserver. I don’t know the details, but apparently fans attacked EoJ team members after my post.

That was completely UNACCEPTABLE of them. Yes, I was impulsive and selfish in my doc and that I wished that what happened a year ago never happened, but NEVER did I want the fans to attack the current members for that. I even said in the one-year-severance doc that I wish EoJ the best and that they should take care of themselves. The so-called fans who are giving them an even harder time should’ve known better.

Another thing that happened very recently was that someone from the team gave their frustrations of the EoJ team on 4Chan. I saw the thread around the time it was posted, and I was honestly more sad than angry when I saw it. I thought they were just going to talk about how they were just frustrated about being in the team, and I personally would’ve been fine with that, as I think they should be allowed to do that.

Instead, they told some insider stuff about what was going on in the EoJ team. While the offensive language they used on 4Chan could be excused as just 4Chan talk, it’s been used to attack individuals in a derogatory way, like how a higher up’s gender identity was being attacked to stereotypically explain why said higher up made certain choices, and the head of HR being “a woman”. It’s one thing to attack them for certain behaviors, but to use their personal identity to attack them, whether it’s their race, sexual orientation, gender identity, or ethnicity, is something I will not stand for. And while I wasn’t there to see it, in the recent EoJ livestream, it became apparent in the live chat, and it turned into an unnecessarily bad time, when all they wanted to say in the livestream was that they needed a break.

I wished that instead of the 4Chan thread existing, that it would have been handled internally. I don’t know how hard that would be, but the fact this happened a year later shows that this has been festering in them for a long time. Clearly, this team member is still deeply hurt by my severance and it completely destroyed their morale to keep going with EoJ, and when I posted the one-year severance doc, my words in there were used as a crutch to hurt the team. If only they talked with me more about their frustrations about the team, because I know they did before, and they appreciated that. Unfortunately, the frustration was too great for them. I know my severance was a hard time, but the group had no choice. So don’t attack them for it. I don’t condone it.

I felt guilty for just simply wanting to move on from EoJ, but here I am being pulled back in. What made me feel guilty the most was the monumental emotional toll it took on many people in the team, including my friends within it. The way I went about the doc I made last month was the wrong way to address my feelings, and now it’s been made the standard to the wrong people. As a leader, even as a former one, I have failed to pave a good path for them, and now my friends have gotten hurt taking that path. I was ignorant of the amount of hate certain people have towards EoJ, and I guess in some ways it showed that I still had rose-tinted glasses towards it. I still want to talk about EoJ publicly with people, because it’s given me the best times in my life, and the last thing I want to do is be the reason why it has to shut down. So now that I am aware of what has been looming deep in the shadows, I’ll be more careful with my words. To those who want to intentionally use my words to hurt my friends, you actually need to fuck off. I may get angry about what happened a year ago. I may get sad whenever EoJ gets mentioned. But I will NEVER use my emotions to hurt them. So don’t pretend that you know what I want.

All in all, I just didn’t think people would be so passionate about the doc. I didn’t know my words held so much weight. I figured because of what happened last year, that I wouldn’t even be acknowledged. Because why would anyone care about what a disgraced director would say? Little did I know, WAY more people cared than I realized. I mean, I appreciated the support, I really did. Yet it showed how much power I still have. And as the quote goes, “with great power comes great responsibility”.

So I’ll have to take this quote to heart now. Because there’s still one person that I owe the biggest apology to.

 

THE ONE WHO WAS HURT THE MOST

It was at this point that I realized that I underestimated the power of my words, and that they were used very irresponsibly. What started as a way to help me emotionally move on turned into a knife that cut open the wound of the one who was hurt by my actions the most last year. And I quickly found out just how badly I had hurt them.

There was someone in the EoJ team that no longer wanted to be friends with me after they found out the nature of the content that I made more than 8 years ago. We were part of another gaming group together, and the day I was severed, the group made a vote on whether or not I should stay. Near unanimously, the group wanted me to stay because they felt that I should still have a group of friends as an outlet that can help me through that hard time, and they thought that what I did all those years ago did not reflect who I am now. But the former friend gave a hard no. The group worked to find a way to reintegrate me while also making sure this other person felt safe. Ultimately, I was accepted back in, but it made this other person feel like their words were not acknowledged and pushed to the side. It didn’t help that they didn’t get the chance to convey their feelings properly during the vote due to their schedule conflicting with the meeting times given.

Me and this other person got into a call a good while later, and they explained why they no longer felt safe around me. I’m not gonna go into details, but they experienced something horrible in their childhood and my old content unveiled those repressed memories because of what that content was.

At first, I felt very bad for them, because no one should have to experience what they did. At the same time, I felt like I couldn’t have anticipated anyone in my circle being deeply affected by what I made 8 years ago. Especially since all of my friends who know now, while very disappointed, knew that who I was then isn't who I am now.

That doesn’t change the fact this person was deeply hurt for what I did, regardless of how long ago it was. I apologized at the end of our call and they said that they were able to separate what I did from who I am now. We ended the call not as friends, but as strangers. I saw that as a win, honestly, because it told me that I was able to coexist with them in this friend group without much hassle for either of us.

Unfortunately, when I made the one-year-severance doc, they were absolutely disgusted and livid with what I had to say. So they asked another acquaintance of mine to send a message to me to prepare for another call to talk about the doc, with that same acquaintance to act as the mediator.

At first, I was confused as to why they wanted to call me about the doc. We were not friends anymore. We don’t talk to each other or even acknowledge each other in this discord server we are both a part of. So going into the call, I felt pissed, yet scared, because what this person had to say would greatly affect my future with that group. Some friends who knew that this call was gonna happen even got concerned about what could happen, thinking something might go wrong, knowing how sensitive the subject matter was, to a point where they questioned whether I should make the call or not. I took their words into consideration, but I still went with the call because I wanted to hear what the former friend had to say.

In the call, I listened to their words, and I did my best to understand their perspective on the doc I made. They were hurt by how this was posted with no warning, and how it dragged our mutual friends into it and put targets on their backs. The part they took offense the most is the part when I said that the severance itself was bullshit, even though I said I agreed with it. The reason they took offense to that was because me saying all that made them feel I was downplaying the issue. It hurt them, too, because it made them feel like I was diminishing their trauma they experienced, especially since it related to why severance was the only option that could be taken. They said that my words had made them feel invalidated, like their own words didn’t carry any weight. It wasn’t my intention to imply that, it was meant to be specifically for EoJ. Unfortunately, I didn’t do well enough to convey my intentions.

They also mentioned that they were aware that how they felt about me was getting more and more negative, and that was because more of their repressed emotions and experiences were surfacing. It unfortunately blurred the lines of what I did then and who I am now. The severance document only made those feelings grow worse.

They also questioned what I’d done to show that I had changed. Had I donated to charities that help victims of child molestation? I didn’t even think about that because I was focused on readjusting my own life.

I told them that me claiming I did any sort of charity would look like it was just for show, that there was no point in doing so, because no matter how much I donated or helped any victims, their opinion of me will never change. Obviously I know now that this is the wrong view to take, because it shouldn’t matter why I donated to charity or encouraged others to do so. The victims are still getting support, which is ultimately the goal for the charity. Instead of thinking that way, I went and took the selfish approach and thought about how my reputation could be affected.

I then said I was afraid, if I did anything, the former friend would try and get back at me. They took MAJOR offense to that, that I would think of them that low. They said it shouldn’t matter if they believed in my charitable actions or not, I should help other victims because that was the right thing to do. That I shouldn’t be afraid to do the right thing just because the former friend no longer trusted me. More than that, they said that in the year since the incident, up to this call, they had more than enough time and reason to “get back” at or ruin me, and yet, they never did, because they’re not that kind of person. At the time I did worry they were, because they were getting more and more uncomfortable around me. It was an unfair judgment on my part for sure. They had suffered more than I could ever understand, but they hadn’t tried to hurt me. They’d tried to tolerate me being in the same friend group for as long as they could. And instead of pushing for my removal after the severance document was posted, they chose to have this call.

At the end of the call, the mediator who listened in gave their thoughts. I just wanna say, bless the mediator, because if they weren’t there, the call between us would’ve gone way worse. While the mediator wanted to make sure the former friend got their words straight to me, they made sure that I was able to respond, and I greatly appreciated that. By the end, we agreed that I’d make a follow-up doc on everything that has happened since. This time, I’d make sure that I have people that I trust and who know about the whole situation proofread it so I don’t misinterpret and/or break boundaries.

To the former friend, I want to say, I am truly sorry. I am sorry for what I did all those years ago that triggered childhood trauma that I could never understand. I am sorry for thinking that you would act maliciously for what I did. I am sorry that I made you feel invalidated for your feelings for the posting of the doc. And I am sorry that I have further tarnished what little faith you had left of me.

Also at the end of the call, the former friend, while saying they didn’t think forgiveness was on the table, asked about my mental health journey. They said that in spite of everything, they still thought it was important I try and get help. In fact, they encouraged it. They said they didn’t hate me, but rather, what I said and did. They couldn’t be my friend anymore, but they also didn’t want me to think they were out to get me.

 

WAS MAKING THE ONE-YEAR-SEVERANCE DOC STILL A GOOD CHOICE?

After all of this, was it still a good thing that I released the one-year-severance doc last month? Believe it or not, yes and no. Yes, because I wanted to show everyone that I am still progressing, that I have survived the turmoil of losing eight years worth of hard work, memories, and even friendships. For the no, it’s because I wished I had done a better job wording my feelings and getting people I trust to check them. I was mentally twisting things around to shout “GOTCHA!” in the situation, to convince myself that I was right. But I could never be right because there was no right. The way I went about it was irresponsible.

Yes, it felt really good to speak with more freedom, but that freedom came with a weight I wasn't ready to carry. It WELL outweighed the good I was hoping to achieve and ended up hurting many people I care about. I didn’t make the connection at the time, but I kind of went into making that doc with an “ask for forgiveness instead of permission” kind of mindset. It also helped me see that I still have plenty of good people in my life who continue to support me after everything and are willing to forgive me when I make BIG blunders like this.

Most people who read the doc expressed their admiration for me speaking my thoughts out and happy that I was ready to move on. It’s something I’ve been NEEDING to hear. But it also drove people to separate themselves from me, it unleashed a looming presence that waited for me to be vulnerable, and it showed that I was incapable of being responsible for my own words.

While I still regret the shit out of some things I said in it, doing this showed where I was in life. As for the response from those who didn’t appreciate the doc, they called me out on it, so I learned what I did wrong, and I will make sure that I don’t do it again. This became an important learning experience as much as it helped me move on. I see no point in further harping on wishing that I didn’t say what I said. I made that choice, now I’m suffering the consequences for it. It’s how wisdom is built, after all.

There are a couple things I want to say though. I have no ill will to those who were offended by the doc. Yes, it's easy to give into the temptation of defending your words, but you gotta realize that they have a right to speak their mind too. Someone says words, someone chooses to respond to those words. We must respect that unwritten rule, no matter where it came from. The moment we try to silence those words, the words become infected with fear, then anger, then hate, then suffering, and that is the last thing we need in this timeline.

For those who know me, I am a lover of balance, and I strive to reach that every day. When it comes to this situation, I want to find the balance between others and myself. Acknowledge those who I had wronged while remembering that I still deserve to let my feelings out. There were things I said in the doc that were wrong or seriously poorly worded, there were opinions I voiced that could be seen as wrong, and there were things I said that led people to use them as weapons. But I’m learning to move forward along with my friends and I hope this doc helps those who couldn’t find the means before to one day do so. At the end of the day, I hate conflict. I shut down when it happens. So I do my best to abide by that and find a healthy compromise. Finding balance is more important to me than hanging onto past regrets, mistakes, or negative feelings.

But that’s at least where I am right now. I’ve said that I’ve moved on from EoJ and I am keeping my word on that. Speaking of them, I heard that they’re taking a break until 2025 to get the rest of Case 3 ready. To the EoJ team, I hope you recover well and give Case 3 a satisfactory story and pave the way towards Case 4 and 5. Not that I doubted them, of course. I also just found out that Soundman is the new director of EoJ. I always figured he would be next in line, as he was there since the very beginning, and has helped me and MrG make the best decisions we could make to get EoJ up and running and be the best it could be. So to Soundman, I bid you good luck in your new role. And to MrG, I hope you can take it easy now. You’ve been through a lot, so it’s good that you’re taking a step back. I hope you continue to bring joy to EoJ and its community.

To those who were hurt by my words, I am sorry for everything and I hope this doc puts your minds at ease. Finally, to those who have been using my poorly put words or my shitty situation to fight your battles, shame on you. Anyone who has or continues to do any of that 100% doesn’t have my support. If you’ve got problems with someone, just talk it out one on one and reach a peaceful and mature solution. Or better yet, use your own words and stop using a dead horse to prop yourself up. Or in this case, a dead pony.

And that’s it for me! I know this was another large read, but I wanna show that I am capable of changing. It doesn’t have to change everyone’s mind, but knowing the people I care most about see that I am working to become a better me every day, then that’s all I need to keep progressing as a person.

I’m still on the backburner making art and shit, so please stay tuned! Thanks again for reading my words, and I hope you guys have a damn good one!

TheAljavis