Some Mistakes are Forever (Sunset)(Angst)

 

A smile crept up onto her face as she looked it over. After everything she'd been through a warm feeling grew in her heart that she was in the middle of that picture, and not a single person would mind. Her eyes flicked across each face, a little pride welling up inside her that she could remember all of their names and some fun she'd had with everyone one of them. Even Wallflower.

 

She had to blink a few times to finally snap herself out of her friendship-induced trance. She set the picture beside the three open yearbooks in front of her. Had to get back to it, she thought. The deadline for their senior yearbook was quickly approaching, and she wanted to make this one perfect. She thumbed through the old ones looking for new ideas, trying to ignore the conversation and occasional cackle her friends were having behind her.

 

Vibrant colors and smiling kids filled the pages as she flipped through the old ones. A pang of guilt hit her as she sifted through their sophomore one, considering how much of an impact she had on everyone's spirits. She cleared her throat and glanced back up at her field day picture, a gentle reminder that past certainly wasn't today.

 

That is until, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted someone that wasn't in that picture. She blinked a few times and looked between her picture and an old AV club page. She looked down to find his name. Soloman. She raised an eyebrow, wracking her brain trying to remember what happened to him. A soft frown crossed her lips. She certainly remembered what she [i]did[/i] to him, but not why she hasn't seen him around lately.

 

"Did you hear us, Sunset?" Rarity asked.

 

Sunset spun around. "Oh, uh, what was it?"

 

Twilight perked up. "We were asking if you wanted to go to Sugarcube corner or hang out at your place today."

 

"We're having a sale on triple decker ice cream sundaes! We've gotta hurry over before they run out," Pinkie said, desperation at the edges of her voice.

 

Rainbow Dash waved her off. "Yeah, we'll Sunset got a copy of the new Tirek's Revenge. I wanna see some gameplay before somebody ends up spoiling it. Again," she says, casting an irritated glare over at Applejack.

 

"Ain't my fault you couldn't get past the third level. Maybe y'all should'a just, what was it? 'Gotten good'?" she said with a smirk.

 

"Oh, well, whatever you guys want to do," Sunset said before pursing her lips and holding up the yearbook. "Do any of you guys remember what happened to him?" she said, pointing at Soloman.

 

"Oh, Mr. Tary?" Rarity said, a slight grimace forming on her face. "I beleive he moved away. Good riddance, I say. Hopefully somewhere far away from any elementary schools."

 

Rainbow Dash let out a laugh. "Yeah, one less pedophile is always a good thing."

 

"I hope the little girls he was around are okay, that kind of thing can cause a lot of damage," Fluttershy interjected.

 

Twilight blinked a few times. "Wow, you guys had an actual pedophile in your class?"

 

"Guys!" Sunset almost yelled. She took a moment to take in a breath to try to calm herself down. "None of you actually believe that stuff do you?"

 

They all turned to her with raised eyebrows. "What do you mean, darling? You do recall when that police car came to pick him up, do you not?"

 

Sunset shook her head. "That was me. I made up those rumors and I made a whole show of it so everyone would believe it." Even saying it out loud put a sour taste in her stomach. She looked down at her boots. "All over a few Fall Formal votes and a single insult."

 

"Oh..." the girls said in unison, their eyes dropping down to the floor.

 

Twilight put on a sheepish smile. "Well if he moved at least he could've gotten away from those nasty rumors, right?"

 

"Oh, well, surely. He's probably enjoying some new friends at a new school, so it's nothing to worry about, dear," Rarity said, waving her hand at Sunset.

 

Rainbow shrugged. "And it's not like that's the worst thing you've done either, remember that time you made Fluttershy-- oof, hey!" Applejack gave her a quick jab into the arm, followed by a shake of her head.

 

Sunset didn't feel so assured. "Do you guys know where he might have moved to? Or if anyone still talks to him?"

 

"Oh! Oh! Wallflower does! She ordered a birthday cake with his name on it two years ago. Double chocolate ice cream cake with cookie dough on top. It looked great! I had to make one for myself after she picked it up." Pinkie said.

 

Twilight shot a perplexed look over at her friend. "How do you remember a single order from that long ago."

 

Pinkie narrowed her eyes, her face suddenly turning serious. "I [i]always[/i] remember birthday cakes."

 

Her friends all rolled their eyes and let out a quick chuckle, but Sunset couldn't ignore the growing pit in her stomach. "I'll have to catch you guys later, I'm going to talk to Wallflower once school is out."

 

Rainbow Dash let out a groan before Applejack playfully nudged her. "Don't you worry none, once I get my copy I can kick yer butt up and down the driveway on it."

 

"You wish!" Rainbow said with a shove back.

 

Twilight scooted over beside Sunset. "You want me to go with you? It might make it a little less awkward."

 

Sunset gave her friend a smile. "I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate me anymore. Besides, I couldn't in good conscious let you miss out on that sundae. It shouldn't take long, so I'll probably catch up with you guys there anyway."

 

Twilight let out a sigh and looked away for a moment, before putting a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder. "You don't have to do this, Sunset."

 

"Huh?"

 

Twilight looked into her friends eyes, trying to search for the right words to say. "Every time you find someone you bullied that you haven't made friends with, you get really obsessive about it. I'm just saying maybe this time it might be okay if you let it go."

 

Sunset looked back down at the yearbook. "I don't think I can do that, Twi."

 

Twilight let out a sigh. "I thought you might say that... Just... be careful, okay?"

 

Sunset let out a quick laugh, remembering that she could probably beat Soloman in arm wrestling herself. Getting jumped isn't usually a part of this process."

 

Twilight rolls her eyes. "That's not what I mean. I just was saying sometimes it's okay if someone doesn't like you. An apology could be enough. For you, if no one else."

 

Sunset closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. She wanted to explain all the ways she thought that was wrong, and how little an apology actually means if she couldn't back it up, but she didn't want to have this conversation again. "Alright, I'll... I'll try."

 

Twilight gave her friend a soft smile. "Thank you."

 

With that, the period bell rang throughout the halls, putting an end to their free time session that was supposed to be the yearbook committee.

 

Sunset scooped up all her books and shoved them into her backpack, ready to finally get out the door. "I'll catch you guys later, hopefully," she said with a quick wave, leaving before she could even get a response from them.

 

[hr]

 

Sunset tapped her foot impatiently as she leaned up against the statue. Her head leaned up and around the students as they all poured out after school. Her eyes darted around looking for that long, green hair, but couldn't spot Wallflower in the crowd just yet. She let out a frustrated sigh, Twilight's words going through her head. She could already feel herself getting nervous at the thought of confronting him. What he might say and what they could have in common, how they could be friends and how she'd show him who she was now.

 

Maybe it all was too obsessive, but Sunset couldn't stand the feeling of leaving someone with the old trauma she gave them. She could breath a sigh of relief most nights knowing that everyone in her class she could call a friend. She'd always done her best to make up for the wrong she'd done, and to make sure everyone could graduate remembering how she is, instead of how she was.

 

"Hey," someone said from beside her. Sunset jumped as the sudden voice ripped her out of her thought. She turned to see Wallflower raising an eyebrow at her.

 

"Oh, hey. Where did you come from?"

 

Wallflower let out a sigh. "I walked right up to you? I even called out your name when I saw you."

 

Sunset gave her a sheepish smile. "Right, sorry. You ready to go?"

 

"Sure, you just wanted to get some coffee right?" Wallflower said, an excited smile crossing her face.

 

"Yeah, just talk and hang out for a little while. Come on, there's a really great shop nearby."

 

Sunset led the way down the sidewalk, with Wallflower eagerly running up to meet her. Sunset smiled at the eager anticipation from her new friend; definitely a stark contrast from a few months ago. "So, have things been getting better?" Sunset asked.

 

"Yeah, actually. Thanks for inviting me to those parties. I usually hate that kind of thing but..."

 

"Pinkie is something else, huh?"

 

Wallflower let out a quick laugh. "Yeah, no kidding. At least now there are some people that can remember my name."

 

"I'm really glad things have turned around for you. If there's any other way I can help..."

 

Wallflower smiled over at Sunset. "I appreciate it. I'm just surprised you still want to hang out with me at all, considering what happened," she said, her fingers nervously flowing through her long locks of hair.

 

Sunset gave her a playful shoulder punch. "Well, at least you didn't turn into a raging she-demon and enslave half the school. Always could have been worse."

 

"Right..."

 

The girls finally got to the coffee shop and put in a couple quick orders. Sunset gave Wallflower the occasional glance, her mind pouring over all the different ways she could bring up the subject to her. Once they both sat down into a booth, Sunset took a deep breath and decided.

 

"So, what do you want to talk about? I know I'm not that interesting but--" Wallflower started.

 

"I actually wanted to ask you something..."

 

"Oh, what's up?"

 

"Pinkie said you were good friends with Soloman, do you still talk to him? Everyone said he ended up moving somewhere," Sunset said as a waitress brought their orders over to them.

 

Wallflower's expression immediately soured. Her mouth turned down into a deep scowl and her eyes narrowed at her across the table. Sunset winced at the sudden change.

 

"Are you serious?" Wallflower said in a voice just barely holding back a sea of anger.

 

"Is... is something wrong?" Sunset asked nervously. She fidgeted in her seat, unable to meet Wallflower's gaze as she stared her down. All the sudden she wasn't so sure she wanted an answer.

 

"How do you not know? Have you seriously--" Wallflower cut herself off and shook her head. "Look, I'm you happy you want to be friends with me, but I really don't appreciate you joking about what happened like this."

 

Sunset's heart sank. What happened? She could feel her pulse quicken as she looked around the table. "Wallflower, I promise it's not a joke, I just wanted to talk to him."

 

She narrowed her eyes again. "Sunset. He killed himself."

 

Sunset blinked.

 

It was just another day for everyone else. A couple laughed in the corner booth, a bird chirped at the kids on the sidewalk, and cars stopped at the light outside. For everyone else, it was just a lazy Friday afternoon. For Sunset Shimmer, this is the day her whole world shattered.

 

"W-what?" she asked, her voice timid and cracking. A massive lump formed in her throat and it felt like she couldn't really get any air. "Y-you're just messing with me, r-right?" she asked, trying to put on a friendly smile, hoping Wallflower would do the same. Sunset's hands started to shake as Wallflower just stared at her.

 

Wallflower took in a deep breath and let out a sigh, her gaze drifting out the window. "I wish I was."

 

"No..." Sunset whispered.

 

Wallflower looked back over and raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"

 

"There's no way I..." Sunset's eyes went out of focus. She couldn't hold back the lump in her throat any longer as the first tears made their way down her cheeks. "No!" she said, closing her eyes as tightly as she possibly could

 

"Sunset, it was almost a year ago. There's nothing we can do about it anymore," Wallflower said, a gentle sorrow building up in her voice.

 

Sunset's eyes frantically flicked around the coffee shop looking for some tell, some odd sign that would tell her it's just a dream. As hard as she tried, she couldn't escape the fact that this was as real as any other day. "I... I have to go," she said before bolting out of the booth and across the coffee shop. She ran down the sidewalk to her apartment, but she didn't know why. No matter how fast she went, she could never shake those words, never shake that horrible truth she was just told.

 

She closed her eyes tightly, trying to push the thought away. She looked around for something, anything to keep herself from thinking about it, but she knew it would come, she knew she'd have to accept it no matter where she went.

 

She made someone commit suicide, and this time there was no fixing it.

 

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CH.2

 

Sunset sniffed and wiped her eyes again. It had been sixteen hours and twelve minutes since she heard the truth, at least from the last time she looked at the clock and remembered. The typically wonderful smell of cherry vanilla ice cream made its way through her stuffy nose, but this time the half-filled cartoon sat melted on the floor in front of her couch. She didn't want to touch it. She didn't feel like she deserved it. Sunset yanked her favorite blanket over her head and let out a pathetic whine. Her instincts told her to keep working, to get back on her laptop and write down any way she could find to make this better, to somehow fix this problem, but she knew deep down it was no use.

 

She'd thought of everything. She dug as deep as she could to find any online profiles he used to have, all the friends that ended up removing him on social media because of her, all the hobbies he used to love. Anything and everything she could know, just to pinpoint what she could have done to stop this. Her mind had desperately searched for a way to go back and prevent it, she'd even wrote down and outlined every point when she could have stopped it. Sunset spent every second of last night looking for solutions, but this time, there weren't any. She pulled a nearby pillow up to her face to black out the world and have something to sob into again.

 

Her doorbell rang. The sudden noise made her jerk out of her blankets. She looked down at herself. She was still wearing wrinkled, stretched-out clothes from yesterday, her hands were still covered in ink from a broken pen, and there must've been mascara streaming down her cheeks too. She grimaced and pulled the blanket back over her head. Maybe they'd just go away.

 

They didn't. A second ring echoed throughout her apartment, followed by several harsh bangs on her door. Twilight called her name from the other side.

 

"Sunset? Are you home? You never texted me back, so I just came by to check on you."

 

Sunset let out a pathetic sigh. Her best friend wasn't going away any time soon. She reluctantly threw the blanket off of herself and made the walk of shame over to her front door. Sunset closed her eyes tightly as she put her hand on the knob, dreading every second she'd have to face her friend after what she'd done. She opened the door, leaving Twilight to stumble forward in the middle of another knock.

 

"Oh hey, you're--Oh my gosh," Twilight said, worry quickly spreading across her face at the sight of her friend. Sunset couldn't even look her in the eye. "Sunset, what's wrong? Did it go badly?"

 

Sunset opened her mouth, but the lump in her throat caught her words. How was Twilight ever supposed to forgive her for this? Sunset winced and looked away.

 

"Whatever it is, we can fix this. Come on, let's just sit down," Twilight said, taking Sunset's hand and leading her back to her couch like a scared, lost child in the mall.

 

Sunset sat down beside her eager friend, her cheeks burning uncomfortably at all the evidence of her crimes stacked around them. She knew she'd have to spill the truth eventually, but the thought of even saying it made her heart flutter.

 

"What happened, Sunset? Did he not like you?"

 

Sunset tried to get a few words out, but her mouth just hung open. She closed her eyes tightly and just shook her head.

 

Twilight put on a sympathetic look. "Sunset, it's okay if someone doesn't want to be your friend. There's no need to do all... this," she said, waving around her coffee table.

 

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the mess of papers and the open laptop. "What even is all this?" Twilight adjusted her glasses and leaned in to look at her laptop. Sunset's heart froze at the tab that was currently open. "A... seance? Was he a cult member? What are you--"

 

"I made him kill himself!" Sunset finally shouted. Tears freely streamed down her face again. She shut her eyes as tightly as she could, unable to handle the ire Twilight was surely directing at her.

 

"W-what?" Twilight's voice was filled with shaky trepidation.

 

Sunset took in a trembling breath, still keeping her eyes closed. "I made him lose all his friends, I made the whole school hate him just for crossing me. He killed himself, because of me."

 

"W-well, you don't know if it was [i]really[/i] because of you. It could have just been a really bad day, or maybe he had some mental illness, or--"

 

Sunset shot a glare over at Twilight and her sheepish smile. Sunset didn't need to say anything. They both knew how she used to be. "Okay, so maybe that's not true. But there's nothing you can do now, Sunset. None of this will fix it," Twilight said, waving across the coffee table again.

 

That didn't particularly help the situation. Sunset's immediately welled up with tears again, and she brought her knees up to her chest to hug them as tightly as she could. Her ribs jerked with the first involuntary sob as she buried her face in her knees.

 

"Oh, Sunset, I'm so sorry," Twilight said as she leaned over and pulled Sunset into a hug. She was stiff at first, feeling like she didn't deserve the gesture, but that didn't last long as she wrapped her arms around Twilight and shoved her face into her shoulder.

 

The warm embrace finally let it all flow out. Sunset let out a messy, uncomfortable sob onto Twilight's shirt as her friend caringly caressed her head. All the pain and misery of her sleepless night ran through her body as reality chipped away at everything she'd been working for. Every solution on her desk, every tab of answers she had open, every single thing she could think of to fix this was meaningless. All her work that she'd put in to be a better person, every new friend she made amends with, it all felt so meaningless in comparison to the gravestone of her own doing. Sunset grabbed Twilight as hard as she could to try to hold onto life she had before she knew, but just like her waning energy, she could feel it all slipping away in her grasp.

 

Time became meaningless as Sunset struggled with the blood on her hands. She held on for as long as she could, but finally after what seemed like hours she had to give in. Sunset couldn't cry anymore and it felt like she was going to pass out right there in Twilight's arms. She took in a few shaky breaths and leaned up to look at her friends completely soaked shirt.

 

"Sorry," she said in a weak, trembling tone.

 

Twilight looked like she was almost scared to take her hands off her friend. She gave Sunset a caring smile. "I promise, Sunset, I don't mind at all. Do you feel better now?"

 

Sunset gave a weak shake of her head. "How am I supposed to fix this?"

 

It was Twilight's turn to be at a loss for words now. She opened her mouth a few times, but nothing could materialize. She finally looked up at her friend with apprehension. "I... I don't know."

 

Sunset winced again. She didn't know what she expected to hear, but it that definitely wasn't what she wanted. "I can make it up to anyone else. I could buy them gifts, spend time with them, throw them a party... just to show them that they mattered to me, that the person I used to be didn't exist anymore. That they aren't who the old me said they were. But now? I can't handle this, Twilight. I killed him and there's no way to fix it," Sunset said, curling up again and gripping the sides of her head.

 

"Sunset, you can't blame yourself." Sunset looked up and gave Twilight another teary glare. "Well, I mean, you've changed! I'm sure if he was still around, you could have made it up to him."

 

"Well he's not. He's dead, Twi. And... and it'll be that way forever. I can't take this one back," Sunset said, looking down at the floor. Thinking about it was one thing, but actually having to say it out loud? It hurt so much more. It made it even more real. Saying it only hammered home the reality she could never change. If she had any energy to, she would've let the sobbing flow yet again.

 

Twilight couldn't help but adopt a frown. "Please, don't do this to yourself. Do you want to go out for ice cream? Maybe I could get the girls together and we could--"

 

Sunset let out a sigh and glanced at the carton filled with the melted treat on the floor. Twilight followed her gaze and let out a frustrated grunt. "Well, there's got to be something that'll cheer you up. We could--"

 

"Don't you get it? I got someone [i]killed[/i]. I'm the reason they're dead. I don't want to be cheered up, I want to fix this! I [i]need[/i] to fix this, Twilight. I can't just--" Sunset closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to not get too worked up about it. She let out another sigh. "Sorry, I just..."

 

"I... I don't think there's anything else you can do."

 

Sunset clenched her fists and grimaced again. "That's what I'm afraid of..."

 

Twilight pursed her lips for a moment. "I... I don't know how to deal with this. I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I know how strong you are. I've seen you go through so much, and I'll be here to help you through this too."

 

Sunset gave her friend a weak smile. She knew this little fact would have to settle in the minds of all her friends, but at least Twilight could tell her she'd still be here. She breathed a sigh of relief, but was quickly filled with dread once she realized she'd have to go through this at least five more times.

 

The two of them sat in silence together for a while, letting the gravity of everything set in.

 

"You know, you could visit his grave with Wallflower and leave him something. I know they can't really hear you, but I do it at my grandpa's sometimes and it makes me feel better," Twilight said.

 

"That's--" Sunset paused for a moment. Finishing with 'not going to help anything' wasn't going to make either of them feel better. "Well, that's not a bad idea actually."

 

Sunset pulled out her phone to give Wallflower a quick text. Her fingers felt weak as they traced across the screen, and the idea wouldn't make things right, but she had to try something. Her desperation was written all over the papers on her table, and Sunset knew she couldn't take anymore of this.

 

"Do you want me to leave?" Twilight asked. "If you need some time alone to think about it."

 

"I... I think I could use the company right now."

 

"Well, good. Wouldn't want you drawing any pentagrams and lighting candles once I'm gone," Twilight said, gesturing over to the seance search on the computer.

 

Sunset cheeks burned in embarrassment. She let out a weak laugh before closing her computer. "Let's just keep that between us."

 

The two girls smiled at each other, but the relief for Sunset was short-lived. Dread was already filling her mind. If she couldn't fix this, how was she supposed to make it up to anyone? Maybe Twilight could forgive her, but how many wouldn't? How could she forgive herself? All the questions weighed heavy on her heart.

 

For now she could find solace in her best friends presence, but deep down she knew the worst of this journey hadn't even started yet.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

CH.3

 

Sunset clutched her phone close to her chest. The overcast skies outside her window were a far cry from the bright, sunny beginnings of spring that they should be, but it felt appropriate for today. Sunset took in another nervous breath, her instincts screaming on her to cancel with Wallflower and just spend the day with her friends. She shook away the thought. Putting things off is what got her here in the first place.

 

She tugged on her leather jacket and shifted around in her boots to make sure her fresh clothes were on tight. A twelve hour nap, a shower, and a quick breakfast with Twilight certainly made her feel better than yesterday, but the horrible truth still weighed on heart, and she knew she couldn't ignore it. Even if Wallflower's prospect of a Sunday lunch with his parents was terrifying to her, she knew this was something she'd have to face.

 

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Twilight asked as she adjusted her glasses. Sunset looked over to see her sit up on the couch. She almost let out a laugh, since it was Twilight's turn to look disheveled after the night of talking and playing video games they'd shared. Sleeping on her old couch probably didn't help either.

 

"I think it might be better if I just go with Wallflower. Timber might want a little time with you this weekend anyway, don't you think?" Sunset said, trying to give her friend a comforting smile.

 

"There will always be next week. This is something I don't think anyone would want to do alone," Twilight said, concern spreading over her face.

 

Sunset let out a sigh, clutching her phone a little tighter. "Wallflower will be with me at least."

 

Twilight pursed her lips as Sunset turned back around to look outside. Fifteen more minutes to go. She could already feel her heart beating harder. Sunset jolted upright at the feeling of two arms wrapping around her, then relaxed once she felt Twilight's head against her shoulder.

 

"I'm not good with these kinds of things. I'm sorry I couldn't help more. I just want to say I've seen you go through so much, I know you can get through this too," Twilight said. The sweet gesture from her otherwise awkward friend eased her troubled mind a little, but the storm of emotions brewing was unfortunately far from over. Sunset turned around and returned the embrace, savoring the warm kindness before she had to face the world.

 

"I'm definitely glad you were here," Sunset looked down at her phone over Twilight's shoulder. Only ten minutes now. If she didn't hurry she might miss it. "I've got to go, but let's meet up tomorrow night. That chemistry project isn't going to perfect itself."

 

Twilight stepped back and gave her a smile. "Heh, sounds good. Text me to let me know how it went?"

 

Sunset gave her a weak grin in return as she turned to leave. "Sure..."

 

"Good luck, Sunset," Twilight said with worry quickly filling her tone. Sunset pushed open the front door, and with it all the nervousness piled back onto her like she'd broken a levy. Good luck? She was definitely going to need it.

 

[hr]

 

Sunset tugged on her shirt collar. They chilly day wasn't nearly cold enough to calm her down, and with only a few blocks left to go she could feel her heart beating out of her chest.

 

"Are you alright?" Wallflower asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

Sunset cleared her throat. "Yeah, I think... maybe..."

 

"Sunset, are you sure you want to do this? You can just meet me at the graveyard later if you want."

 

Sunset took in another deep breath, getting in as much air as she could manage. It still didn't calm her down. "N-no, I think I need to do this. I mean, his parents would want an apology, right?"

 

Wallflower let out a sigh of her own. "Maybe... Just don't go running off this time, please."

 

Sunset just gave her a nod. She didn't feel like she could make any promises. She let her potential words run through her head, but nothing seemed like it could be enough. What are you supposed to say to make this any better? Would they even want their son's bully in their house? Sunset tried to imagine what she'd do if someone pushed one of her friends to suicide, and none of the outcomes were pretty. Even thinking about it made her heart drop. Despite the nod, every instinct told her to turn around and run after that thought.

 

Instead, Sunset clenched her fist and pushed it away. She had to do this. "I have to.." she whispered to herself, clenching her fists tight to keep herself focused.

 

"Huh?" Wallflower leaned down to try to look around Sunset's hair.

 

"Oh, nothing." Sunset cleared her throat again, trying to shake away any of her apparent nervousness. "So, do you visit his parents often?"

 

Wallflower looked away and scrunched her nose. "Yeah... most days actually."

 

"Huh?"

 

She let out a long sigh. "My parents are always away on business trips or whatever. Soloman's parents let me stay over there when mine are gone."

 

"Oh, well, that's really nice of them."

 

"Yeah... it was nice when he was around."

 

That meloncholy tone struck Sunset like an icey dagger to the heart. "Wallflower, I'm really, really sorry. If I could--"

 

She brought up a hand to stop her. Irritation already plain on Wallflower's face. "Just... save it, okay? We're friends now. Let's just keep it in the past."

 

Sunset looked down at the sidewalk and let out a sigh. "Right..."

 

"Well, we're here. His mom will probably be nice, but his dad... well, just don't bring up too much, alright?" Wallflower said as she led her down the driveway and up the stairs. Sunset's heart started beating even harder than before at that. Was he going to get angry? Was she going to get attacked? She paused at the first step up to the front door. Her body screamed at her to get away, to just turn around and run away from the danger that was inside. She clenched her eyes shut. Whatever it was, she probably deserved it. Maybe it would make them feel better to take their loss out on her.

 

Sunset could feel the lump forming in her throat again. Her instincts to run away weren't as powerful as her desire to make things right, no matter what it meant. She gulped and pushed her way up the stairs to face the reality she made.

 

"Wallflower! It's so nice to see you, dear. Lunch should be ready in a few minutes."

 

Sunset blinked a few times, not expecting the happiness exuding from the older woman in front of her. Her bright smile had already infected Wallflower after a quick hug. "Are you going to make those buscuits again?" Wallflower asked with a bright grin and an excited tone. Sunset raised an eyebrow.

 

"Oh, this must be your new friend you've told me about, Sunset, wasn't it?"

 

Sunset stammered for a moment. Not exactly the welcome she was expecting. "Y-yeah, that's me."

 

"I've heard quite a bit about you, Ms. Shimmer. I can't thank you enough for all you've done for Wallflower. It's incredible how much she's changed over the past couple of months thanks to you."

 

Sunset blinked a few times and looked around the woman's long, flowing blonde hair. "Did you...?" she mouthed over at Wallflower. She just shook her head. This wasn't going to be fun.

 

"Oh, I'm Merry by the way. Merry Shade. Do you want to join us for lunch?"

 

"That, uh... that sounds wonderful, Mrs. Shade," Sunset said, putting on an awkward smile.

 

"Wonderful! The cobbler should be done in a few minutes. Wallflower, would you mind setting the table?"

 

"Sure," she said without a moment's hesitation. Sunset followed Wallflower into the dining room, gripping one of her arms as sweat formed on her brow.

 

"You didn't tell her?" Sunset whispered harshly.

 

"What was I supposed to say? 'I'm bringing over the girl that...'" Sunset winced and backed away. "Right, sorry. I just didn't know how to tell them, alright? It's not an easy thing to bring up."

 

Sunset felt like she was in the middle of a marathon. The fact that she'd have to bring it up to such a cheery mom made it so much worse. She contemplated not even bothering and just letting them think she was only Wallflower's friend.

 

She let out a quick, frustrated grunt, and then a soft whine. As hard as this might be, she knew that trying to hide this would only make it worse. Sunset helped set out the plates and utensils, the dread only growing. Every second that passed came a new, horrible outcome that played out in her head. She grimaced, thinking that the most possible outcome was going to be getting yelled at and kicked out.

 

"Alright, girls, almost time to dig in," Merry said as she brought in a few trays to set on the table. It was a strange assortment of quesadillas, biscuits, salad, eggs, bacon, and cobbler.

 

Sunset raised an eyebrow at the odd assortment. "What meal is this?" she said, almost unintentionally.

 

Merry just laughed. "Oh, I like to mix and match. The same old boring flavors matched in every meal can get tedious, don't you think?"

 

Sunset rubbed the back of her neck. "I... I guess so," she said as she took her seat. Wallflower sat at the end of the table beside her, and they both watched as Merry went back into the kitchen for something.

 

Sunset let her forhead fall onto the table in front of her. She let out a pained whimper at the thought of crushing this wonderfully cheery person's spirit. "Why did I do this..." she asked to herself.

 

"It... it gets easier," Wallflower said, her own tinge of sorrow creeping up in her tone.

 

"How mad do you think they'll be?" Sunset said, looking up at her friend from her uncomfortable wooden pillow.

 

Wallflower pursed her lips. "I don't think 'mad' is the worst part here."

 

"What do you--"

 

Merry strolled in with a few shakers and condiments. "Calvin! Lunch is ready, dear."

 

Sunset gulped. That must be his dad. She fidgeted in her seat and fought the desperate urge to run. She could already see the seething hatred in his face, the malice in his voice, and the sting of whatever insults they had in store for her. Sunset did her best to try to control her own breathing, but the anticipation was too much. When he finally crossed the threshold into the dining room, Sunset winced, but nothing seemed to happen.

 

"Calvin, dear. This is a friend of Wallflower's. Her name is Sunset."

 

He gave her a lazy glance and let out a weak "Morning" before sitting down. Sunset expected a fight with a monster, but the person that sat at the other end of the dining table wasn't that. A fight might have been better.

 

The cold, blank stare into the coffee cup in front of him told her all she needed to know. This wasn't going to be fun.

 

"Oh, I forgot to ask, do you have any allergies, dear? Or anything you can't eat?"

 

Sunset cleared her throat. "Is there any meat in the quesadillas? I... uh, I just eat fish and diary, if that's okay..." she said, trying to keep her voice from trembling.

 

"Oh, they're just cheese with some of my own special spices. Oh! I almost forgot, is there something specific you'd like to drink?"

 

Wallflower reached over and picked up a few biscuits and eggs to put on her plate. "Water is fine."

 

"Sunset?" she asked.

 

"Uh, same." Sunset looked down into her lap, the tension inside her growing worse by the second. The dull, empty presence of her dad felt like a fire licking at her side. Every part of her told her to run again. This was too much to take. Maybe she could try again next week? Sunset shut her eyes tightly and gripped her seat. No, it had to be now. Now or never. She took in a few nervous breaths, trying to choose her next words carefully.

 

Merry walked in with a few cups and set them around the girls before looking down at Sunset with some concern. "Are you okay, Ms. Shimmer? Was something bad? Oh, I must've left the salad out too long. I can get--"

 

"It was me!" Sunset finally blurted out, making both Wallflower and Merry jump. His dad didn't even look up though.

 

"W-what? What's wrong, dear?"

 

"Sunset," Wallflower said in a harsh whisper.

 

"I was the one that bullied your son! I'm the reason he's..." Sunset paused for a moment before the harshest form of that sentence slipped out. "...he's not here anymore."

 

Merry kept making her way around the table, her cheery smile quickly fading. "O-oh..." she let out as she sat down. Wallflower put a hand over her face, doing her best to cringe for them both.

 

Sunset's breaths became shallow and ragged. "I just wanted to say how sorry I was. How much I wish I could've helped. If I had known that this would've happened I--"

 

"Sunset, dear," Merry said. Sunset froze solid as she looked over at his mom, expecting a hateful glare. She only got a gentle look of concern instead. "Please, calm down, it's okay."

 

"How is it okay? I... I can't fix this. He's gone forever and it's..." Sunset's chest gave a single, uncomfortable, heave as all the feelings washed out of her again. Without even noticing, a few tears trailed down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry," she said through a cracking voice. She looked over at his dad through her blurring vision. As soon as she did, something gripped her heart like a vice. He did the absolute worst thing she ever could have imagined.

 

Nothing.

 

He stared down at his coffee like he didn't even hear anything. That cold, dead stare of a man that didn't care anymore. Sunset placed a hand over her mouth to try to keep the torrent in. "I'm so sorry," she said through another wave of tears.

 

"Oh, Sunset, please, don't cry," Merry said, getting up from her seat to walk over to her. Wallflower let out a sigh and leaned over to join in the hug.

 

Sunset let herself be embraced, but knew it wouldn't ease the pain. The image of Calvin's empty stare would be burned into her memory forever. She wanted to tell herself he might have been like that before, but she knew that'd just be a lie. Sunset took this man's son away from him, and it must've broken him.

 

"Shh, it's okay, everything will be okay," Merry said, stroking Sunset's hair. Sunset clenched her teeth hard. She thought she was done crying, but all the guilt and regret just pooled right back up when she had to say it.

 

"Why don't you hate me?" Sunset asked, confused as to why the mother of her victim was consoling her.

 

"Oh, honey, don't start that, just calm down for me, okay?"

 

Sunset tried her best, but she still had a few sobs in her. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Soloman's dad get up from the table. She closed her eyes tightly expecting the outburst. She felt like those cold, empty eyes would look up to judge her, to determine her fate for all her mistakes. Sunset felt like she deserved the death sentence, but no verdict was cast.

 

"I'll be back in a few hours," he said in a dry, uncaring tone before heading out the door.

 

She would rather have been yelled at, to get shoved around and insulted. This felt so much worse. She let out another sob after he left. It was all she could do anymore.

 

"Sweetie, please don't cry anymore," Merry said, lifting up Sunset's head with a gentle hand on her cheek. Mrs. Shade gave her a sweet smile. "I promise, it's okay. Please, sit down for a moment and breathe for me."

 

Sunset listened, sitting down in her chair like a scolded child. She shook her head. She's faced down Equestria's most horrible monsters, beat world-threatening magic across both world's but all the confidence she's built up after her defeat felt like it drained out all over the floor because of this. "How can you say that? I took your son away from you."

 

Merry put a comforting hand on Sunset's shoulder as Wallflower sat back down. "Sweetheart, you couldn't have known." Merry let out a sigh. "We were all shocked when he passed. I think we all blame ourselves in some way. I think the best thing we can do is to honor his memory and keep him in our hearts. I don't think he would've wanted us to be miserable all the time, do you?"

 

Sunset shook her head. Wanting her to be miserable instead was probably something he wished for a lot. "How can I make up for this?" she said, sitting up straight and trying to show some resolve.

 

"Sunset, you coming over here to apologize already means a lot. You don't have to--"

 

"Please!" Sunset blurted. "Just tell me what I can do to make it right. I'll do anything, just please... how do I make up for this?"

 

Merry Shade ran her hand through Sunset's hair. "Oh, dear. There's nothing we can do anymore."

 

Sunset jerked up out of her seat. "There's got to be somethin! Anything! I can't just... It's not..." Sunset had to close her eyes and turn away. She'd made amends with so many people, she was practically an expert. There had to be some words, some gifts, something to make this right. She scoured her minds for anything, but nothing ever seemed like it would be enough.

 

Merry put a hand on Sunset's shoulder again. "I'm not mad at you, dear. I think you're doing enough of that to yourself already. If it makes you feel better, you're welcome to come over any time to talk about it."

 

"How can that--"

 

"Sunset!" Wallflower cut in, making both of them jump. "Maybe we should go to the graveyard."

 

Merry smiled. "I think that's a wonderful idea. Would you like some flowers from the garden? The roses are really starting to come in."

 

"Please," Sunset said, her tone weak. "Just give me something to do to make up for this. Anything at all."

 

Merry gave her a soft smile. "How about you take a few flowers to his grave for me? I think he would appreciate that."

 

Sunset let her gaze fall to the floor. She almosted wanted to yell. It wasn't enough. It would never be enough. There had to be something she could do, something she could give. Something she could trade, some behavior she could change for them.

 

"I'll clip some for you. Stay right here, and I'll get you some good ones, alright?" Merry said, adopting her cheery grin again.

 

Wallflower let out a sigh once his mom left the room. "Well, that probably could've gone better."

 

Sunset crossed her arms over her chest to hold herself. "Yeah... sorry..."

 

"It's alright. I don't think I was much better when I first found out." She took a quick bite out of a biscuit before looking back up to Sunset. "At least you got it out of the way, right?"

 

Sunset slumped back down into her chair with a heavy sigh. "This doesn't get any easier, does it?"

 

"No... you just get better at living with it."

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

CH.4

 

The chilly overcast day nipped at Sunset through her coat. She stared down into her hands at the three roses, all full and healthy with the thorns carefully clipped off. They were a constant reminder she held close to her chest like an injured bird. Maybe these would help her feel better? A kind gesture for his family was the least she could do. Sunset took in a long, deep breath, gripping onto the thought that maybe this would wipe away some of the guilt. She tried to ignore the little voice in the back of her mind that told her otherwise. This gnawing, everpresent feeling that had followed her ever since Wallflower told her needed to go away. She needed some way to just make it go away.

 

So Sunset let herself breathe, and walked down the sidewalk towards the graveyard.

 

"It makes me feel better sometimes," Wallflower said, breaking the silence of that long walk.

 

"Huh?"

 

"To the graveyard to see him. I know it's scary at first, but after a while coming here made me feel better."

 

Sunset took in a shaky breath. "It might take a few times."

 

Wallflower looked over at her with some concern. "It shouldn't be that big of a deal. I do it all the time. You're not gonna freak out like you did at his house, are you?" she said with a raised eyebrow.

 

Sunset winced. Wasn't exactly the kind, caring support she was used to. "I'll... I'll try not to."

 

"I mean, go for it if you need to. I've just never seen you cry before. Especially not like that."

 

Sunset let out an empty, forced laugh as she looked down at the roses in her hand. "I've never had to go through something like this..."

 

Wallflower looked away without a word.

 

"Do you think he'd..." Sunset let out a sigh. "Do you think he'd even want me here?"

 

She let out a frustrated grunt in return and took a few steps ahead. "Just... come on, alright? We're almost here."

 

Wallflower's tone stung, but Sunset thought she had every right to talk to her like that right now. She silently trailed her through the graves, an uneasiness building inside her with each engraved name she saw.

 

Sunset had to fight the urge to turn away again. Every tombstone bore a name and a date. Some of them gave a little excerpt about what they used to mean, some were blank. So many of these people lived long, treasured lives. She had a hard time finding a grave that showed any less than sixty years. All these people gave so much to those around them with all the time they had, certainly enough to give them these loving messages. They were all probably at the ends of their lives, taken by an illness or natural causes when people expected these things to happen, when they had time to say goodbye.

 

That all just made the stop at Soloman's grave so much worse. Sunset closed her eyes and looked down, not wanting to look at it any longer than she had to. The quick subtraction came to only eighteen years. "You don't belong here..." she whispered to herself.

 

Wallflower crossed her arms and let out a huff. "Well, if you've got something to say, this is probably the best way to say it," she let out curtly.

 

Sunset slipped down onto her knees in front of the gravestone, gently placing the roses in front of it like they were a wealthy offering to an upset diety. "I've never really talked to a grave before."

 

She took in a deep breath and let her hands fall to the grass beside her. They waved around the fine blades as she searched for something to say. "I... I know you probably died hating me. I wish I could've found some way to change that. We... we all deserve a friend that'll be there for us." Sunset let out a shaky sigh as the lump in her throat formed again. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you."

 

Sunset did her best to try to keep the emotions back. This was the closest she'd get to a real conversation anymore, and her head was filled with all the things she wished she could say. Sunset leaned forward to touch the cold stone. "I wish I could just take it all back. If I'd known... I... I..." Sunset shook her head as the first tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm so sorry I put you here."

 

"Would you fucking stop?!" Wallflower shouted from behind her, making Sunset jump. She turned around to her infuriated friend, who had her fists clenched and was glaring daggers at her. "This is why I couldn't [i]stand[/i] you before we were friends. It was ALWAYS about you. Always."

 

Sunset's heart began pounding in her chest. She shrunk back in fear as Wallflower continued. "Wh-what? Wallflower, I..."

 

"Did you ever once stop to think that maybe this isn't about you? That your dumb need to make everyone like you isn't as important as everyone else losing someone? Did you even think for one second how incredibly selfish it was to make his death about your stupid desire to make things right? Huh?!"

 

"I... I didn't think..." Sunset said. Wallflower took a few stomping steps towards her, forcing her up against Soloman's grave. Sunset closed her eyes tightly and turned her head, expecting the first blows.

 

"Yeah, you didn't think. You didn't think at all! The second I told you, you took all the blame. You turned this into a crusade to make yourself feel better, and I hate it! I never would have brought you here if I'd realized it sooner. Well guess what, Sunset, you can't. You can't make yourself feel better no matter how hard you try."

 

Sunset opened her eyes and looked up. Wallflower was still standing over her with her fists clenched, but when she looked up at her eyes, Sunset's heart sank. There were tears streaming down her face.

 

"You can spend a million years wishing you'd done something differently, but it won't change anything. It won't bring him back. It won't..." Wallflower said, her voice trembling. "It won't bring my friend back..."

 

Sunset slowly stood up and tentatively reached over to her crying friend. "Wallflower, I never wanted to--"

 

She just jerked away. "Just shut up! Stop trying to make things right. Stop trying to take all the blame for something... for..." Wallflower choked for a second and closed her eyes, trying to fight back the pain. It didn't work very well. "...for something I did! Alright?!"

 

Wallflower turned around, wrapping her arms around herself tight. Sunset reached out again, expecting another outburst, but her hand landed safely on that sweater, so she could turn Wallflower around to face her.

 

"It's not your fault. How could it possibly your fault?" Sunset asked as she placed her free hand on her other arm.

 

Wallflower just grimaced and refused to meet eyes with her. "People get bullied all the time. They lose people, they have bad days, but it's their friends that matter. Their friends are there to keep them from... And I wasn't there," she said, her voice dropping to a whisper as the first sobs seized her.

 

Sunset pulled her into a hug, trying her best to give her the same luxury Mrs. Shade had given to her. Sunset had to blink a few times to really grasp what was going on. How could she blame anyone other than her? Especially herself. It didn't make sense. She should hate Sunset for what she did, not think... this. She saved her questions and let Wallflower cry into her jacket.

 

Her mind fixated on the shaky sobs of the girl in her arms, but Sunset didn't feel like she could think straight. She wanted to say she caused this, that this was her fault, but what Wallflower said clung to her thoughts like a leash. It was her fault, wasn't it? How could she be selfish for wanting to fix it? Confusion grew in her heart. None of it made any sense.

 

Wallflower's subtle sobs finally died down, and Sunset looked down at her with the best friendly smile she could. "You okay?"

 

Wallflower took a step back and wiped her eyes. "Yeah... I think so." She let out a frustrated sigh and slid down into the grass. Sunset followed her down to sit beside her. After a few long, deep breaths, Wallflower looked up to the gravestone. "I... I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."

 

"It's okay, I think I kinda dese--" Sunset stopped to clear her throat. "I think you might have needed to get that out."

 

"Yeah..." Wallflower ran her sleeve across her face again and looked down. "My therapist says I need a healthy outlet for all this. I guess I know why now. She also says I shouldn't blame myself, but..."

 

"You were his friend when no one else would be. After I..." Sunset caught herself again. "Why would you blame yourself?"

 

Wallflower let out another frustrated grunt, followed by a defeated sigh. "After the Fall Formal, you just suddenly started making friends like everything you did didn't matter anymore. I couldn't stand to see you turn around and be popular like everyone just forgot what you did to them, what you did to him..."

 

She looked away and shook her head. "So I got depressed. If you could make new friends after everythig you did, I knew something had to be wrong with me. I stopped talking to anyone, or even showing up to school. I felt like nobody remembered me anyway. Except for him...

 

"I was so upset I wouldn't even return his texts... I thought he would be better off without me, so I wanted him to move on with his life. But..."

 

Sunset stared ddown at the grass, her heart sinking even further. "He didn't..."

 

"No, he didn't. I wanted him to get better without me dragging him down," Wallflower said, a frustrated edge building in her voice. "Not this."

 

Sunset reached out again. "Wallflower, there's no way you could have known."

 

She just let out another frustrated grunt. "I was his only friend! How do you think I didn't know what he was going through?" Sunset leaned away, ready for another outburst, but Wallflower caught a glimpse of her fear and took a deep breath to settle down. "Just please, stop trying pretending you're the one that caused this. He could've gotten through your bullying if I'd just been there for him," she said, sinking her face into her knees.

 

Sunset grimaced. Wallflower's words clashed hard with her thoughts. It wasn't right for her to do this to herself when Sunset tallied up all her own crimes against him. "But I was the one that ruined his life. I was the one that spread those rumors. I made you his only friend. I--"

 

"Not gonna help," a deep monotonous voice called out from behind them. Both of the girls jumped, then immediately crawled to their feet when they saw who it was.

 

"Mr. Tary, what are you--" Wallflower started.

 

"Blame won't bring him back. Doesn't matter who feels the most guilty," he said in a dry, uncomfortably stern tone. Calvin looked down at his son's grave, not an ounce of emotion in his cold glare. Sunset had to take a step back.

 

"But," Wallflower tried to get out. His father silenced it completely with a single flick of his eyes towards her. Wallflower just looked down to the grass again.

 

"It's not a competition. Anyone could've stopped him on that beach. All of us could've changed something."

 

Sunset grabbed her arm and looked at the ground awkwardly. "Look, I know it doesn't mean much, but I'm really--"

 

"What was your name?" he asked from his statuesque position overlooking the grave.

 

Sunset cleared her throat. "Um... Sunset Shimmer, sir," she said, a little surprised with herself. She can't remember the last time she voluntarily called someone 'sir'.

 

"If you want to make up for it, this isn't how you do it."

 

Sunset took a step forward. She could feel the desperation building up inside her as she looked up to his dad. "What should I do then?"

 

"You've both still got lives to live. Don't waste them letting this eat you up."

 

Sunset clenched her fists. That was the last thing she wanted to hear. Having to carry around this burden for the rest of her life sounded like a nightmare. "That... that can't be it."

 

This time he turned his gaze directly at Sunset. She immediately had to back down. That awful, thousand yard stare felt like a microscope directly into her soul. She winced and looked away, realizing that Wallflower might've actually made some sense.

 

"You're young. Live a good life for him, since he can't anymore."

 

Sunset grimaced and fell to her knees. Her life was built around answers and solutions. Every problem had one, she just had to do the work to find it. A math problem could be solved, a chemistry equation could be balanced, friends could made up to, bad feelings always had good ones to push them away, but this... going on living with no solution wasn't how the world operated. It wasn't how it was supposed to work. Life wasn't supposed to be this way. Sunset thought she could just bear this burden and use the pain to find a solution, but there was no end on this equation. This mistake was forever. Sunset fell forward onto her hands and let out a few angry whimpers as the frustrated tears welled up in her eyes. It couldn't be this way, it just wasn't possible.

 

"He would've accepted your apology. Don't blame yourself," his dad said, just as cold and dry as ever. He looked down at her for a moment with those unblinking, expressionless eyes, before he turned around and left the two girls alone.

 

Wallflower knelt back down beside Sunset as the overcast skies decided to make their afternoon even worse. The slow drizzle quickly coated the girls' hair and clothes, but Sunset barely even noticed.

 

"We should get back. Anything's better than sitting around in the rain, right?"

 

Sunset took in a few more breaths, trying to push the uncomfortable thoughts out of her mind. "Right..." Wallflower took her hand and helped her to her feet.

 

"Sorry again for yelling at you..." she said in a weak, remorseful tone. "Did this help at least?"

 

Sunset looked down. She wanted to say yes, but she couldn't. The truth was, she was even more confused and upset about all this than before. Was she really just doing this for herself? How could she not shoulder the blame at all? She grabbed the sides of head and let out an irritated huff. "I don't know anymore..."

 

She gave a weak smile to Wallflower. "Thanks for doing this, at least. I think I'm just going to walk home on my own."

 

"Do you need an umbrella or something?"

 

Sunset shook her head. "I'll be fine."

 

"Oh... well, I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow then," she took a step away, but then looked back for a moment, awkwardly fiddling with her hair. "I know we don't really do this, but if you need someone to talk to..."

 

Sunset nodded. "And you too," she said before the two girls parted ways.

 

The sky was darkening. Sunset looked up as the rain fell harder by the second. Before long her hair was completely soaked and she could even feel the water flowing through her clothes. She wished it would just wash it all away. All the hurt, the confusion, the guilt, the regret. Let some divine intervention take this hurt away. Maybe it was selfish to think this way. Sunset let out a sad sigh and looked back down to the flowers. The steady rain was already beating on the pedals, deforming the beautiful shape of them. Sunset leaned down and took one of them, putting it safely under her leather jacket to keep the harsh, unrelenting rain away. She laid her free hand on the stone.

 

She focused on the hurt she felt, trying to push some sort of meaning out of her confusion. Sunset knew she had a lot more to think about. Maybe the past would be forever, but her future didn't have to be. Sunset thought about all the horrible things she did to people, all the rumors she's spread, all the relationships she's ruined. She couldn't go back to undo any of those. Sunset leaned down and pressed her forehead against that cold, unforgiving stone and thought about the person she used to be. She took a deep breath, and knew at least one thing she could do.

 

"I can't take anything back, but I promise you, for as long as I'm still breathing, I'll never make anyone feel like this again."

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

CH.5

 

The last of the students poured out of the main entrance. Some of them occasionally caught a glance of Sunset sitting at the endge of the steps, but most just kept on walking. They gave their concerned smiles and quick condolences, but Sunset clenched her fists and told them thank you through gritted teeth every time. She wanted to yell, scream, draw everyone to her to ask them what their problem was, but she knew that wouldn't help.

 

She let out a solemn sigh and took out her phone. The words on the screen were the best she could do, but they felt so empty. She'd tossed and turned in her sheets for hours last night trying to think of the best way to tell the world, to make a post to all her friends revealing her crimes. All those long paragraphs of telling everyone who Soloman was, and how important support groups and suicide prevention was... it all just felt so distant. She gripped her phone in frustration as the new notifications popped up. All of her friends left supportive messages and heartfelt apologies for what [i]she[/i] went through, for how much it must be weighing on [i]her[/i].

 

Sunset brought her knees up to her chest and let out a defeated groan. "Maybe Wallflower was right..." she told herself.

 

"About what?"

 

Sunset jerked upright and let out a little yelp as Wallflower nudged her with a knee from behind. "You've really gotta stop doing that."

 

Wallflower rolled her eyes as she sat down beside Sunset. "Not my fault you never hear me coming."

 

Sunset put her phone back in her pocket reste her cheek in her hand. "I guess..."

 

"So... I saw your post," Wallflower looked down at the concrete and played around with her hair awkwardly. "That was... well, that was really nice of you to come clean about all of it."

 

"Not that it matters..."

 

"Well, I wouldn't say that. Now everyone knows that those rumors were just made up."

 

Sunset let her face fall off her hand down to her knees. She let out another frustrated grunt and pulled out her phone again to turn towards Wallflower. "Just look at all these comments. 'I'm here if you want to talk about it'? 'Sorry you had to go through this'? 'You can get through this'? I spent all this time trying to make everyone see him differently and make this matter, but they all just..."

 

"Don't have the time of day," Wallflower said, a sigh flowing out of her mouth as well.

 

"Yeah..." Sunset looked Wallflower over for a moment as a twinge of guilt hit her. "Sorry... you probably already had to go through this."

 

Wallflower gave her a weak smile. "I still think it's nice that you'd risk telling everyone like this. Not that I needed anymore proof that you'd changed, but... it was still sweet. I think he would have appreciated it."

 

Sunset sat her chin back down on her knees. Wallflower's words gave her little solace, as she watched all the other students go home, talking and laughing to each other like nothing had even happened. Sunset clenched her eyes shut. She wanted to walk up to each and every one of them and ask how it didn't even matter to them.

 

"How does everyone just, go on living like this? Like nothing even happened?"

 

"It's been a long time, Sunset. Most people don't even remember him that well, if they ever even noticed him in the first place."

 

As the last of the kids poured out of the school, Sunset's frustration bubbled up in her stomach. "This was supposed to be a big deal! They were supposed to be mad at me!" Sunset rose to her feet and began pacing around the stairs, giving an angry glare at the concrete. "Telling the whole world this should've been a major ordeal, but instead they're just giving me generic condolences. Ugh... this isn't how it's supposed to happen."

 

"Real life isn't like some dramatic movie plot, Sunset."

 

Sunset grabbed her temples and let out an exaggerated, frustrated growl to the world. "But they should at least care a little. Everyone's walking around like nothing even happened!"

 

Wallflower looked up at Sunset with growing concern on her face. "What exactly do you want them to do, Sunset? The funeral was almost a year ago."

 

Sunset continued her pacing and shook her head. "To look sad? To acknowledge this terrible thing happened? Something other than a quick reply to my post? Everything just feels like it always did, and right now it shouldn't."

 

Wallflower let out a sigh and reached into her bag. What came out was a lovingly-wrapped plastic sack filled with pink, heart-shaped cookies with a little red bow tying it closed. Wallflower stood up and handed them over to Sunset. "Soloman's mom made these for you. She wanted me to ask if you were doing okay. Though, honestly? I'm kinda not sure what to tell her."

 

Sunset reluctantly took the cookies and let out a sad groan. They looked really delicious. If only they'd been given under some other circumstance. Sunset leaned back over to the stairs and sat back down, letting her face fall into her hands.

 

"So... not doing okay I'm guessing?"

 

Sunset let out a soft whisper. "I don't know."

 

"I don't get it. It's like you want everyone to hate you for some reason."

 

Another sigh left Sunset's lips as she let her hands fall back to her sides. "I don't want to lose any friends or anything, it's just..."

 

"Still feel guilty?"

 

"Yeah... Ever since yesterday at the grave, after everything you said..."

 

Wallflower cringed and had to look away for a moment. "You probably shouldn't take that to heart. Going there is... kind of an emotional experience and I wasn't thinking clearly."

 

Sunset pursed her lips and continued staring down at the concrete. "But I think you were right. I know it's horrible, but I kind of wish I'd never found out. I want so badly for things to go back to how they were before I knew."

 

Wallflower looks away. "Yeah, that is kind of horrible," she said, a twinge of irritation in her voice.

 

Sunset let out another sigh and let her eyes drift even further down to her boots. Wallflower just pinched the bridge of her nose as she caught another glimpse of her moping friend. "Ugh, look," she started. "I'm not really good at this stuff, alright? I'm still kind of... well, it's still a rough spot. I don't know if I've forgiven you. I don't really know if I've even forgiven myself... it's just... ugh..."

 

Sunset let a weak smile cross her lips. "Complicated?"

 

"Yeah... it's complicated," she said, doing her best to try to return the grin. "Look, I didn't mean what I said back at the graveyard. I think risking everyone hating you again with that post was enough to prove me wrong."

 

Sunset let her eyes fall back down again. "Maybe..."

 

"Maybe you should go talk to Merry again. I think she's worried about you," Wallflower said as she stood up and tugged on her backpack straps. "I'm heading over there now, if you want to come."

 

Sunset stood up beside her and took a deep breath. "I should probably thank her for these anyway," she said, looking down at the heart-shaped cookies in her hand.

 

[hr]

 

"Oh, good afternoon, Wallflower. How was school?" Merry Shade called from inside the kitchen. Sunset felt a pit grow in her stomach at that voice. She didn't feel like she belonged there, or that she was even welcome.

 

"It was fine, Mrs. Shade. I brought a friend over, if that's okay."

 

Merry wiped her hands with a nearby towel and broke away from her position at the sink. A bright smile adorned her face as she turned to meet the girls, and it only turned brighter once she saw Sunset. "Ms. Shimmer! It's so nice to see you again. Did Wallflower bring you those cookies?"

 

"Yeah..." Sunset said, weakly lifting her arm up to show the unopened package.

 

"Oh, wonderful! I'm sorry I didn't have time to ask what your favorite might have been, but I hope you like them anyway," Merry said with a bright smile.

 

Sunset looked over the older woman for a moment. The bright smile and welcoming posture... it just felt so wrong. How there could still be happiness in this house at all was a mystery to Sunset, yet here she was, giving her a warm welcome like they actually were happy to see her after what she'd done. Sunset opened her mouth to ask her how she could possibly be like this, but the words got caught in her throat.

 

"I... I'm sure they're great, Mrs. Shade. Thank you. For making them I mean. I'll, uh... I'll try them pretty soon."

 

"Good, good. Be sure to tell me what you think. I'll keep you in mind for my next batch."

 

Sunset could only nod awkwardly at her. The kindness settled into an uneasy, uncomfortable feeling in her stomach. Sunset had to let her eyes trace down to the floor just to get some respite from it.

 

Wallflower cleared her throat. "Well, I think we're just going to hang out upstairs," she said, freeing Sunset from the awkward interaction.

 

"Sure, just let me know if Sunset wants to stay for dinner. I'll be sure to leave an extra plate out," she said with her usual cheer before making her way back to the other room.

 

Wallflower motioned for Sunset to follow as they made their way past the dining room, and finally up the stairs. Sunset cradled the cookies in both hands as she followed her, an overwhelming feeling that she shouldn't have these washing over her.

 

"Are you doing okay? I thought I was supposed to be the socially awkward one."

 

Sunset looked up to shoot Wallflower a quick glare as they made their way up the stairs. Wallflower winced at the sudden intensity. "Oh... sorry. I'm not really used to this."

 

Wallflower opened a door along the hallway and made her way inside before flopping down onto the bed. Sunset's eyes dropped back down to the cookies for just a moment before she realized where her friend just led her.

 

A lump formed in Sunset's throat. Her grip loosened on the package in her hand as her heart began pounding in her chest. The sensations of her body felt in the room--the cold waft of air of the ceiling fan, the sound of soft rumblings of things going on downstairs, the lemon-scented smell of the freshly cleaned hallway--they all drifted away as her eyes explored the room. She quickly closed her eyes before they could see too much. Sunset had to ground herself before all those awful feelings flooded back in.

 

"This is... this is his room," Sunset said, the wrapped cookies suddenly feeling a lot heavier in her trembling grip.

 

"Yeah... I figured you could, I dunno, feel better if you saw some of the good things in his life."

 

Sunset wanted to be angry. She grit her teeth and kept her eyes shut as tightly as possible, but that didn't stop her thoughts from flowing through her mind. There was no telling how many miserable moments he spent in there because of her, how many hours he spent at that computer on his desk trying forget, or how many nights he had to stay up thinking about everything he lost, everything Sunset had made him lose. Her eyes might have been closed, but Sunset could feel an apparition of her own creation moving around this room. She shouldn't have been there. It felt like an abusive spouse coming back into their victim's life to her.

 

"So?" Wallflower asked after what felt like an eternity of silence.

 

"I need to go..." Sunset said as she spun around to get the room out of her vision.

 

Wallflower let out an angry growl as Sunset took a step towards the doorway. "Seriously?" the sudden, intense tone pulled Sunset to a stop. Wallflower shook her head and let out a sigh, trying to rub the frustration out of her temples. "Look, if I can handle this, then so can you. Don't you want to at least get to know who he was?"

 

"I don't think I can do this," Sunset said, shaking her head and looking around the room frantically like a rabbit that just heard a wolf. "I don't think he'd even want me here."

 

"What do you even know about what he'd want?" Wallflower asked as she slipped out of his bed and stood up next to her.

 

Sunset blinked a few times, shifting uncomfortably in place as her brain refused to work up an answer.

 

"That's what I thought. Look, Sunset. I'm not an expert in this grief management stuff, alright? All I know is that when I miss him I think back to the good times we used to have. He might be gone, but at least those good things happened, you know?"

 

A few deep breaths calmed the anxiety somewhat, but Sunset's brain reminding her that those good times only happened in spite of her didn't seem to help. "We... we didn't have those," she said through a whisper, nervously wringing the end of her jacket with one hand.

 

Wallflower rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. "I mean, sure, but maybe you could... I don't know... maybe this wasn't a good idea."

 

With a slow and shaky breath, Sunset closed her eyes tightly and tried to let her apprehension flow out of her. How much more damage could she really do at this point anyway? "I'll give it a shot, I guess."

 

She took a few tentative steps inside, wishing she could've been there under better circumstances. Her eyes flicked around the posters still hanging around the wall of bands and movies. Sunset had to swallow another pang of guilt at all the ones she enjoyed too--the thought of all the lost chances for long talks about the shared interests certainly weren't helping her keep her composure. Various pictures sat on his dresser and across a shelf above his bed; friends of his before she'd taken them away, few of him and Wallflower together, and the happy times him and his parents had shared on vacations.

 

Sunset got to the other side of the room, just barely, and let herself fall into the computer chair in front of the desk. Another few deep breaths kept the breakdown away for now. Wallflower looked around the room awkwardly as she sat on the bed in front of Sunset. Some things never change, at least.

 

"So... what did he like to do?"

 

"He, uh... he spent a lot of time on the computer. He wanted to be a software engineer, so he worked a lot on trying to code, he even made me an app once. It was actually pretty cool; it let me keep track of all the progress and growth with everything I planted and had tips on the best way to..." Wallflower trailed off once she looked back over to Sunset, seeing the forlorn look in her eye. "Right... we're supposed to be sad now."

 

Sunset rubbed her arm and stared at the carpet. "It's fine..." she said as she tried to fight back her own thoughts again. The more she learned the more it hurt. They could've been such good friends. Her mind built up a wonderful conversation of talking about their coding projects between arguing about which subgenre of rock was the best. She couldn't help but wonder how many more people she stole that from.

 

"Is this helping at all?"

 

Sunset let out a sigh and did her best to look back towards her friend. "I... I don't know." A quick, frustrated whine left her lips as she buried her face in her hands. "I just... don't know how to get through this. I thought I'd gotten through the worst life had to throw at me, but... now this. How am I ever supposed to be better after this? I can't just forget I was the main reason he did this."

 

Wallflower opened her mouth and closed it a few times. "So... take that as a no?"

 

Sunset let out another frustrated grunt. "I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one the girls come to when they need help. They know they can rely on me no matter what, but how am I supposed to help anyone now that they know I pushed someone to this? How are they supposed to trust me? How can I even trust myself?" Sunset tightened her fists against her head, shutting her eyes as tightly as she could to keep from facing reality. Her heartbeat jumped up a gear as her mind forced her to visualize the loss of her friends' trust.

 

"Well, how did you do it before?"

 

"Huh?"

 

Wallflower rubbed the back of her head and looked away. "I mean, I figured you knew what happened, and it just wasn't a big deal to you. Well, before I told you anyway."

 

Sunset let out an empty chuckle and let some of her anxiety flow out with it. "You really aren't good at this."

 

"Hey, I'm trying at least."

 

Sunset did her best to fight through her controlling thoughts and put on a gentle smile at her friend. "I appreciate it. I don't expect you to be an expert on this, I just... I'm so lost in all of this."

 

"Well, I did already go through it. You're doing a lot better than I was, I guess."

 

With a deep breath, Sunset did her best to look from the floor up to those green eyes with some meaningful empathy. "How did you manage?"

 

Wallflower shifted uncomfortably on the bed for a moment, looking around at every spot but the one Sunset was sitting in. "I... well..." She let out a little grunt. "You promise you won't freak out?"

 

"Why would I...?" Sunset raised an eyebrow as her mind tried to catalogue all the reasons she might freak out, then her eyes went wide and her breath caught in her throat. "Tell me you didn't," she said as her heart raced in her chest again.

 

"Sunset, if you're going to--"

 

"Wallflower, please, tell me you didn't..." Sunset said, exasperation plain on her face as she stood up out of her chair.

 

With a quick sigh, Wallflower looked down to one of her sleeved arms. Her face portrayed plenty of apprehension as she pulled up her sleeve to reveal the mangled scar tissue underneath. The further she pulled her sweater up, the more accompanying scratches joined the one massive gash. Sunset put a hand over her mouth and took a step back at the sight. She could feel her heartbeat thunder in her chest at the possibility of another person on her conscience.

 

"I didn't know [i]how[/i] to manage, alright? It felt like he was the only one who ever cared, so maybe it'd be better if we were both gone, you know?"

 

Sunset clenched her teeth and shut her eyes tightly as the tears she'd been holding back started pouring out again. She carefully leaned down to touch her friend's old wounds. "I almost... both of you..."

 

Wallflower let out frustrated grunt and yanked her arm away. "No, you didn't. This isn't your fault, Sunset."

 

Sunset shook her head and looked away. "How? How do you not blame me?"

 

Another sigh left her friend's lips. "Did you forget already? I told you at the graveyard I thought it was my fault. I couldn't live with the guilt of not being there," she said, looking down at the floor, her eyes giving Sunset a few subtle clues about all the awful memories flowing through them. "My therapist says it wasn't anyone's fault, really. He just didn't know how to deal with the all the bad things in his life. We couldn't expect to be experts at fixing it for him."

 

"I could've avoided causing them..." Sunset said. "If I'd just reached out sooner..." She remembered the altercation the two of them had in the graveyard, she remembered it like it had just happened a moment ago. The thought of shouldering the blame brought back the memories of Wallflower's outburst, but even with that, she still couldn't manage to let go of the guilt building up the pit in her stomach.

 

"Look, Sunset. I don't know how you're supposed to deal with this. I don't even know how to get past it and I've been going to a therapist for a year." Wallflower brought her scarred wrist up close to her chest, taking a deep breath before looking Sunset in the eye. "But I know how you shouldn't be dealing with it," she said, turning out her arm to reveal the marks. "It doesn't really help."

 

"Wallflower... I wasn't going to--"

 

"Maybe not, though I know where this kind of thinking goes. It's not a good place."

 

Sunset did her best to swallow the lump in her throat as her eyes fixated on the rough scars on her friend. "I... I couldn't do that to my friends."

 

"And I didn't think I could put his parents through anymore, but here we are," she said, looking to the side and shaking her head. Sunset could see the irritation plain on her face, but couldn't tell who it was really for. "They coddled me like crazy after he died. Merry would always call to check on me and ask if I was going to come over that night or not. His dad even took me to a baseball game, like I was their daughter now."

 

Sunset gulped again, trying to focus on her words, but really only seeing those scars.

 

"They treated me better than my own parents, and it was the only reason I didn't try sooner... but when the pain and the guilt got to be too much..."

 

It was already too much. Sunset closed her eyes and wiped away another tear. "Why didn't you try to talk to us, or me? Or anyone? I could've--"

 

"Don't you think I tried? Nobody even acknowledged me. Look, none of that matters anyway, alright? We can't change the past, but we can at least do our best to make sure the future doesn't suck so much," Wallflower said as she scooted closer to Sunset. "That's supposed to make things easier--at least, that's what my therapist tells me."

 

"Do you really believe it?"

 

Wallflower let out a forlorn sigh. "I don't know yet. Like I said before we left the other day, I don't think it gets better, I feel like you just get better at living with it."

 

Sunset looked back down to the floor, the thought of how sick, literally sick at times, with grief and guilt she'd been since she'd heard. The sleepless nights, the broken trust in herself, the constant fantasizing about trying to change the past... living with that much hurt seemed impossible. "I don't know if I can," Sunset said through a pained grimace.

 

Wallflower reached over and placed a comforting hand on Sunset's arm. "Just don't do anything stupid, okay? I know I'm terrible at this and all, but I can give you my therapist's number--maybe he can help."

 

The thought of pouring her heart out to some detached professional made Sunset's stomach churn. Maybe it would've helped, but having to pay someone to care right now seemed so uncomfortable. Her mind jumped away from the thought of being stuck in some dusty old counseling room with a man and a notepad. There was someone she knew who might be able to help. Sunset stood up with a sudden determination.

 

"I think I might need something else right now. I might be gone for a few days," she said as she took a step for the door.

 

Wallflower jumped forward and caught Sunset's wrist. "Wait! Isolating yourself isn't a smart idea either.

 

With a soft smile, Sunset put her hand over Wallflower's. "I'm not, I promise. I just have someone I need to talk to. I'll let you know when I get back, okay?"

 

Wallflower gave her a soft nod. "I hope it helps. Let me know if you figure out any new magical insights."

 

Sunset gave her a gentle laugh. "I will. Thank you for trying to help me, Wallflower. I wish I could've done the same when you needed it."

 

A few popped vertebrae echoed through the room. "Yeah, well hey, at least we've... got each other now," Wallflower said through a strained wheeze.

 

"I'll be back soon." Sunset finally released Wallflower to grab her backpack before heading out the door. I shimmer of hope lit up inside her through the torrent of sadness. It was time to head back through portal to see an old friend.

 

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

CH.6

 

Sunset gripped at the strap on her backpack tightly as her eyes traced down to the concrete below her. The familiar statue loomed over her as the sun casted its long shadow across the street. Sunset's mind raced wildly with everything that might happen on the other side of the portal. Would Celestia hate her for what she'd done? Would Twilight refuse to be friends? Would they even care at all? Sunset couldn't decide what was worse. Wind blew across her back, bringing with it the evening chill that would just make her anticipation even more uncomfortable.

 

A soft sigh left Sunset's lips as she looked up to the concrete face of the portal. Her last chance for answers was on the other side, but a sinking feeling in her stomach prodded at her anxiety, telling her something bad was about to happen. Sunset swallowed and closed her eyes, marching forward without thinking before she could get the chance to overthink this.

 

Her body slipped through with ease, throwing her into the familiar disorienting transformation that accompanied every trip back. She never really got used to it, as the strange aether between the dimensions stretched and twisted her very existence until she finally reconstructed back into her original form. The portal spat her out uncerimoniously on the other side, with Sunset sliding face-first across Twilight's carpet after a tumble out of the mirror. Sunset let out a groan when she finally skidded to a stop, rubbing her head with a hoof.

 

Before Sunset could even get to her hooves, Twilight rushed in for a hug. The sudden force of a pair of hooves and wings wrapped around her forced her upright.

 

"Sunset! It's good to see you again," Twilight said with a gentle squeeze. She leaned back and gave a nod towards her friend. "You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago, you know."

 

Sunset shook her head with a smile. "Not everyone can be as punctual as you, Twilight."

 

Twilight took a step back out of the hug. "Well, they should at least try." The smile quickly faded from Twilight's face as she looked over Sunset's somber expression. "Are you okay?" she asked, her tone softening in concern.

 

Sunset cleared her throat and stood up on all fours, wobbling for a moment before her instincts to stand on her back legs got the better of her. "I... not right now..." Sunset's eyes trace down to the carpet as the reason she was here gripped her with meloncholy yet again.

 

"Well, maybe we can do something to make you feel better? Pinkie's concocted a new flavor of cherry ice cream at Sugarcube Corner we could try... Oh! There's also—"

 

Sunset lifted a hoof up to stop her a solemn expression stuck to her face. "Twilight, that's not going to help right now."

 

Twilight rubbed the back of her neck and gave Sunset a sheepish smile. "Right... sorry."

 

"It's okay. It's good to see you too, Twilight. I guess this just isn't something that's going to be fixed with ice cream. Believe me, I've already tried," Sunset said, rubbing an arm with her hoof and looking at the ground.

 

"I guess so. I'm sorry if I'm a little... forward. I've never been in this kind of situation and I really don't know how to help."

 

Sunset did her best to give Twilight a weak smile. A twinge of frustration shot through Sunset at the mention of helping her instead of the real victim, but she shook her head and pushed it out of her mind. "It's okay. No one really seems to know how to help. I don't even know if anyone can help."

 

Twilight took a few steps forward and wrapped a hoof around Sunset's shoulders as her head drooped. Sunset tried to look up and smile again, but the reality of the situation kept her head down. "If anyone can help you figure this out, it'll be Celestia, Sunset. I've already sent a letter ahead and there's going to be a royal guard envoy to take us to Canterlot in the morning. We're riding in style," Twilight said with a quick nudge and a wink.

 

Sunset just shook her head before looking up with a sadness in her eyes. "Do you really think she'll want to see me?"

 

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "What? Why wouldn't she want to see you?"

 

Sunset let out a frustrated groan and trotted a few steps away, looking up into the assortment of colors that made up Twilight's library. "You know why. I don't even know why you're being so nice to me, Twilight. I got someone killed."

 

The gentle pats of Twilight's hooves filled the room as she trotted over, giving Sunset a look of gentle sympathy. "You know I'm not going to be upset at you, Sunset. Your past is the past. You've done so many wonderful things that I could never hold this against you, even if the outcome was awful. I know you wouldn't if the situations were reversed."

 

Sunset pursed her lips and looked down to the floor. "I want people to be mad at me, Twilight."

 

"Huh?"

 

"I'm thankful I have so many friends that want to support me, but you know how awful this is. How would you feel if I made Rainbow kill herself, or Rarity, or any of your friends? I took someone away from the world forever and robbed them of that friendship. No one should be giving me a pass, but all I've gotten since this has happened is support," Sunset said, closing her eyes and turning her head away.

 

Twilight let out a soft hmph and looked down herself. "I guess that does put it into some sort of perspective." She looked up, doing her best to give Sunset a warm smile. "But I've had a lot of ponies do a lot of awful things to me over the years, Sunset. I think if we can learn from our mistakes and be better friends, we shouldn't hold the past over each other's heads."

 

Sunset gave her another weak smile. "Insightful as always, Princess," she said, her expression quickly drooping back into melancholy. "This just isn't something that people should be so forgiving over. They should be mad at me, it should be hard to forgive me. I'd be happy for friends that would want to be around me despite it all, but it's like it doesn't really matter to anyone. I pushed someone to take their own life and everyone is acting like it's not a big deal." Sunset groaned and them slumped down to lie on her belly, planting her face in her hooves. "I've been on this loop for almost a week. I can't get my mind off of it."

 

Twilight grimaced for a moment as she looked down to her friend, uncertainty plain on her face. "Well, I'm not going to put you in stocks or throw you in a dungeon, Sunset. Maybe we could do something to get your mind off of it?" she said, putting on her best sheepish smile.

 

The cold crystal floor soon lost its appeal and Sunset leaned up on her hooves instead. "Maybe. What would you do in this situation, Twilight? What would you do if your actions got someone killed?"

 

Twilight blinked a few times at the question. "I... I guess I've never really thought of that. I'm not sure if I could forgive myself..." she said, her eyes tracing down to the floor in thought.

 

"It's even worse than that. What if they killed themselves [i]because[/i] of you?" Sunset turned around to face Twilight, the frustration and anger and pain all bubbling up to the surface yet again.

 

"That's a really hard thing to think about. I don't know what I would do." Twilight finally looked up from the floor and gave her friend a half-hearted smile. "But I know that you're not the person that would ever do that to anyone anymore. Please don't lose yourself in the guilt, Sunset. I might not have an answer, but Princess Celestia will surely have some valuable insight."

 

Sunset let out a groan and rubbed her temple. "I really hope so. I can't keep going like this." Her hoof clacked against the crystal floor as she let it fall, letting her face droop in turn.

 

Twilight lifted a hoof forward under Sunset's chin to meet her eyes with her best reassuring grin. "No matter what you know your friends will be here for you, Sunset. Please don't forget that."

 

A weak smile crossed Sunset's lips as well. "I'll try not to." Sunset did her best to take in a deep breath and straighten up her posture. She knew the angst wouldn't make for a particularly fun evening for Twilight, so she clenched her eyes shut and did her best to push it to the back of her mind. "So, we've got a night before we leave, huh? How are we going to spend it?"

 

Twilight gestures over to the hallway and lets a few hoofbeats resound throughout the massive halls as she makes her way over, beckoning Sunset after her. "Well I didn't have anything grand planned, but Spike is making a huge batch of hayfries and Pinkie just stopped by with a new batch of her experimental 'perfect princess candy cupcakes' she wanted me to try, so I thought maybe a quiet night of talking and having fun together might help get your mind off things. Starlight is here too and I know you two have been acquainted," Twilight said with a sly glance.

 

"Hey, she was bored and really wanted to see the human world. We didn't run into any major trouble... besides getting trapped in a magic mirror," Sunset said, a reminiscent grin slowly spreading across her face.

 

"You would think the human world would be a little less dramatic when it comes magical anomalies."

 

"Heh, yeah, you'd think." Sunset looked away again as the crystal castle's hallways shimmered from every direction on their walk. The smile quickly faded from her lips as the silence spread through the air. A pang of anxiety shot through her stomach as her mind reminded her why she was here in the first place. Sunset's mind raced with all the possibilities of what Celestia might say, desperately hoping for the fantasy of a satisfying resolution. The thought of an entire day of waiting inflammed the stress gripping her even more, even with the promise of a relaxing night with friends.

 

[hr]

 

"So then he tossed the entire cinnamon nut cart at her," Starlight said with a lackidasical wave of her hoof. "I swear Granny Smith was going to buck her all the way across Ponyville if I hadn't taken that magic back. I was so mad I ended up mind-controlling minions to attack her on accident. That mare can be a handful sometimes."

 

Twilight and Sunset shifted around on their bundles of pillows as the giggles absorbed them in their bright smiles. The windows around the purple-carpeted room painted soft moonlight on the corners of the floor, letting the flickering candles around the mares do the rest. Sunset settled back in to silky pillows and let her magic envelope another cupcake to float over to her.

 

"That definitely sounds like Trixie," Sunset said, letting out another quick chuckle. "You've got to be... rather direct with her if you want to get anything done."

 

Starlight let out a quick laugh and rolled her eyes. "I'll say. She has been a good friend at least, even with all the... incidents."

 

"Didn't she help you when your friends had their memories erased, Sunset?" Twilight asked with that familiar, sweet smile on her face.

 

"Yeah, she did. As much as I hate to admit it, her and I have a lot in common." Sunset looked down to the oddly-colored swirl of blue and pink sparkles on the icing and took a bite. The flavor sugary flavor tingled on her tongue with hints of magic.

 

Starlight waved away the notion with her hoof. "Just don't start referring to yourself in the third person and I think you should be okay."

 

"Heh, I'll do my best to resist the urge," Sunset says, setting the cupcake down in front of her. The momentary joy on her smile quickly faded as she sat her chin into the pillows and let her eyes train on the carpet. It didn't take much for the emptiness in her chest to return with her mind constantly trying to settle back on the one thing she didn't want to think about.

 

"Is everything alright?" Starlight asked.

 

Sunset flicked her gaze up for a moment to see the concerned expressions, but didn't linger long. "Not really, no."

 

"I know I've already said it, but I'm really sorry you've had to go through this. I can't imagine what it's like."

 

Sunset drops her face into the fluffy, purple pillows and lets out a frustrated moan at the platitude.

 

"Did I say something wrong?" Starlight says, her eyes oscillating between Twilight and her frustrated friend.

 

"She, uh... doesn't want this to be about her, if I understood her correctly," Twilight adds with a timid smile.

 

The harsh grip of frustration fades once Sunset brings her snout out of the fabric for some fresh air, but the despondent expression remains. "I don't know what I want, Twilight. Well... I just want things to go back to normal. I just want this to have never happened. I know it's selfish but you have no idea how hard it is living with the guilt of all this."

 

Starlight purses her lips and her eyes trace up to the ceiling in thought before swinging them back down to Sunset. "Well, can you really take the blame for this? He made his own choice to do that."

 

Sunset's brow furrows. "Why do you think he made that choice, Starlight? I [i]ruined[/i] his life. If I wasn't a factor he would absolutely still be here. I didn't make that choice for him but I might as well have sat him on a cliff myself."

 

"But you would've stopped it, right? If you could? I'm just saying it seems like he made his decision to take the easy way out and if he had waited you two would probably be friends by now."

 

Sunset grit her teeth and shot a glare over at her. "The easy way out? How would you feel if one of your citizens killed themselves after your little equality expirement? How would you feel if your mistakes put a death on your conscience, huh?"

 

Starlight blinked in horror and pulled a hoof up between her and Sunset at the tirade. The anger boiled over inside her at the suggestion and Sunset looked between the two mares to see who else wanted to add to it, but only saw two slightly terrified expressions. Sunset let out another frustrated groan and shook her head, trying to let the rage flow out of her with a defeated sigh. "Sorry... look I can't just absolve myself of the part I played in his death. It's not that easy."

 

"I guess it wouldn't be. It's not something I'd ever want to have to relate to..." Starlight said, her eyes tracing down to the floor.

 

Twilight swirled a cupcake around with her magic in front of her, but decided not to take a bite. "Certainly not. We may not know how to help Sunset, but I promise we'll be here for you every step of the way," she said, doing her best to put on a reassuring smile.

 

"Thanks..." Sunset's ears drooped backwards anyway as she settled back into the pillows. Didn't reassure her much. Anxiety gripped at her stomach as she imagined how her meeting with Celestia might go. The usual series of catastrophic events phased through, but by now Sunset knew she wouldn't get the punishment she felt she deserved. Another disappointed sigh left her lips as she looked up to see her two friends awkwardly exchanging glances.

 

"You know..." Starlight starts, tapping a hoof to her chin. "Maybe there's a way we can fix this with magic."

 

Sunset's ears perked up and she looked over to Starlight with a sudden hope lighting up her system. "And what way is that?"

 

"Didn't you say you went back in time and warned yourself about something once before, Twilight?"

 

Twilight's face quickly twists in embarrassment. "That was an extremely advanced and [i]pointless[/i] spell, Starlight. It only allowed me to go back a week and it didn't actually change the timeline. Anything that I went back to tell myself had already happened. Nothing would've gotten changed like that."

 

Starlight furrowed her own brow and looked down. "Well, there's the time scroll I used to trap you in all those alternate timelines. If we could find it or recreate it, maybe..."

 

Sunset lifted her head off the pillow. "That won't work either," she said in a solemn tone, not taking her eyes off the floor. "Believe me, I've heard of it and studied the magic myself. I've thought about it, but even if I could recreate that kind of magic it doesn't change anything in this timeline."

 

Twilight raised an eyebrow, her pupils honing in with a sudden interest. "What do you mean?"

 

"If I go back into the past to change something I'll be stuck there forever. I'll disappear from this universe entirely and have to take my place in another one. There's an endless list of logistical problems to start with and it'd mean leaving behind all of my friends, all of my experiences, everything I've ever come to learn and do for everyone I've cared about. I'd be basically dead to all of you if I stayed there where I could fix things, jumping into a completely different universe to live another me's life where I could make up for this horrible mistake. It doesn't bring him back here..."

 

"But it would take you away from us..." Twilight said, her eyes tracing down to the floor as well.

 

"Exactly," Sunset let out, letting her chin down to rest back onto the pillows.

 

Starlight rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment. "Guess I didn't think of that. Dimensions, huh? Weird to think about."

 

The emotion became unbearable for a moment and Sunset shut her eyes tightly, trying to block out the rest of the world. "I've spent so much time trying to think of a way to fix this. Every possible avenue I could think of wouldn't solve anything. No magic, no spells, no wishes or prophets could ever bring him back so I could just apologize. I've been fighting for an answer the second I heard what happened and all I could ever come up with was regret."

 

Starlight took in a deep breath and looked over at Sunset with pity in her eyes. "I guess there really isn't any fixing this, is there?"

 

As soon as the words left her mouth it earned a harsh glare from Twilight. "Not helping."

 

"She's right. I've spent my entire childhood doing nothing but learning magic so I might be one of the most powerful unicorns in history, but there's nothing I can do to fix death, no matter how much I want to," Sunset said with a dejected sigh.

 

Starlight tapped her chin, furrowing her brow to think of some way to help before finally looking back over. "We've both done a lot of bad things to a lot of ponies, Sunset, but look at where we are now. You've helped a lot of ponie—er, people get to a better place in life and I know your friends wouldn't be the same without you. That's got to count for something, right?"

 

The void inside Sunset refused to relent. The little whispers of failure refused to let her think of any sort of positive her life had produced, just the one, massive negative that wouldn't release its grip on her mind. "I don't know... I guess so." Sunset clenched her eyes shut again. "I know I've helped people, I know my friends are happy I am who I am, but it doesn't erase my past. I've done my best to make up for it, but this... I can't do anythinga about this."

 

Sunset rose out of her collection of pillows to let the soft pats of her hooves pierce the silence. Sitting still was beginning to be uncomfortable as her body twisted with the discomfort at her own mind's negativity. Even the curious gazes of her friends was too much to face as she turned away from them to look out the window. "When I visited his grave I made a promise to myself that I'd never make anyone feel this way again. Maybe it's selfish, but I know a lot of people blame themselves when it was really me that should take that blame. This feels so horrible... and not only did I push him to that, I made so many other people feel like this as well. Whatever I could do to stop it, I promised I'd always do my best to try, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I don't think I can ever make this pain go away."

 

Sunset's ears perked up slightly from laying back to hear her friends stirring around in their pillows as well. Her drooping head perked up as she felt a reassuring hoof cross her back and looked to each side to see the girls doing their best to give her comforting smiles.

 

Twilight nuzzled herself against Sunset's neck. "I'm not going to pretend to know how to make this better, but I do know in times like these having friends that care can make all the difference. Whatever happens we'll be here for you."

 

A comforting warmth broke through the void of sadness for just a moment at the feeling of Twilight's soft fur rubbing against her own, eliciting a weak smile on Sunset's lips. Starlight stepped forward into the moonlight. "Maybe this isn't something you can't get over anyway."

 

Sunset almost let out a giggle as she felt Twilight's caring gesture quickly turn into another irritated glare. Starlight put on her best sheepish smiled and looked up at the ceiling again. "What I mean is maybe you shouldn't get over it. Our experiences make us who we are, don't they? This is admittedly a really horrible thing to have to learn from, but you could come out on the other side of this a stronger person more willing to do what's right. If you stick to your promise you could make sure less people overall have to feel that way than they would have if he was still alive. I know that's not going take the pain away, and it certainly doesn't mean his death was a good thing, but it does mean you can do better for the world, don't you think?"

 

Sunset looked up to the stars in the night sky and let out a slow, uneasy breath. "That would be a good mindset to take away from this, but I don't know if I can be that stronger person anymore."

 

Twilight lets her hoof fall off of Sunset's back and slips into the moonlight as well. "What do you mean?" she said with growing concern in her eyes.

 

"Ever since you pulled me out of that pit I've done my best to make up for what I've done. I've tried to form my entire identity around being the empathetic one, the person who cared for those I've hurt when no one else did, even to the point where it made my life worse to make someone else's life better, but..."

 

Starlight and Twilight both raised an eyebrow, letting off a "but?" in unison before glancing at each other and back to their friend.

 

"But things my friends have been telling me... I don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm the person I thought I was."

 

Twilight takes a step forward, her mouth hanging open slightly in confusion. "What? Sunset you're one of the most generous ponies I know. You've gotten the entire school to forgive you after doing everything you could for everyone you hurt. You've made so much of a difference in everyone's lives that I think you've more than made up for the things you've done in the past."

 

"But that's just it, Twilight. Twilight told—uh, the [i]other[/i] told me that this desire to make it up to people was getting so intense it was hurting my other friendships. I didn't want to listen because I knew I couldn't just let my desire to make up for my past go. I don't regret that I tried to make it up to others, but now I'm looking back and thinking that maybe my intentions weren't so... selfless."

 

Starlight leaned back on her haunches and gave her another raised eyebrow. "Do the intentions really matter if everything turned out okay?"

 

Sunset pursed her lips before looking back over to those curious purple eyes. "Of course they matter. I mean, I know I've made their lives better but what does it say about me that I'd do that at the expense of my friends?" Sunset's eyelids slipped down and another sigh left her lips. "Another friend of mine... Wallflower, she blew up at me for making this all about me. She yelled at me for making his death a me problem, something I couldn't make up for. She told me she didn't mean it but now I can't help but think I'm not the kind, empathetic person I thought I was. What if I'm doing these things only for myself, to make [i]me[/i] feel better?"

 

A caring hoof found it's way to Sunset's shoulder from Twilight again, a gentle, sympathetic smile on her face. "Sunset, that's ridiculous. You're caring for others and doing what you can to make their lives better. That's about as far from selfish as you can possibly get."

 

Red and yellow hair flicked across Twilight's eyes as Sunset shook her head and took a step back. "Twilight, you don't understand. This matters because what happens when I've decided I've made it up to everyone? Would I even care anymore? Would his death even matter to me if I didn't need to obsessively make sure everyone stopped hating me? I've never been so devastated from anything in my life, but it's my fault for stepping on him when I was selfish. Now that things have changed and I'm upset that I can't make it up to him, I feel like I'm not the person I thought I was. If I really was empathetic to those that needed it, he should have been the first person I talked to."

 

"Sunset, you couldn't have known," Twilight said in a soft tone.

 

"I should have. Now that everything I've done seems so much less noble, how can I expect people to respect me anymore? How can I expect my friends to rely on me anymore? How am I supposed to trust myself to be there for the people that actually need it if deep down I'm only doing it out of my own selfish desires? When those desires change what's going to happen?" Sunset said, her eyes flicking wildly across the carpet as panic slowly starts to grip at her insides.

 

"You sound like you might be a little too hard on yourself," Starlight added. "You've done a lot of good. Your shouldn't overthink your intentions if the outcome has been so positive. I'm sure you don't plan on going back to how you were or just stop caring about everypony all of the sudden."

 

"But that's just it. I don't know anymore. I don't feel like I recognize myself anymore. After all this... I don't know if I have the confidence to be the person I wanted to be to others because it might not matter after I've gotten what I wanted. How am I supposed to respect myself if I'm willing to put the cost of my action on my friends to get what I want? Maybe it's good for others sometimes but more and more it seems like it's going to lead to something worse because I'm only thinking of what I need from others instead of what they all really need from me." Sunset closed her eyes and grit her teeth again, taking a few steps to the other side of the room. "If that's really who I am... the promise I made doesn't mean anything. When it doesn't suit me anymore I could let something like this happen again." Another dejected sigh left Sunset's lips as her head drooped closer to the floor. "Maybe my friends would be better off without me altogether, if that's what's going to happen."

 

The gentle flapping of wings and the soft brush of air across Sunset's coat announced Twilight's presence before she wrapped both of her hooves around her neck and held Sunset close. "Stop that. You know that's not true and you know your friends would be lost without you, Sunset. You're one of the best ponies I've ever gotten to know and I know that whatever happens you're going to make sure everyone ends up as good as they can be."

 

Another set of hooves slipped around her neck as well and she looked over to see Starlight nuzzling up against her cheek as well. "I may not have known you for as long, but she's absolutely right. You're a positive addition to both universes and I know you can get through this. Your friends would never be better off without you."

 

The lingering doubts settled into her stomach and refused to be washed away by the warm embrace, but Sunset lifted her hooves up to both of her friends anyway and did her best to put on a thankful grin. "Thanks, girls. I'll... I'll try to keep that in mind."

 

Twilight gave one last gentle squeeze before leaning away and giving Sunset that sweet, caring gaze she always put on in these emotional moments. "I know we may not be the most helpful for what you're going through, but please remember how much we care for you. It's only one more night, anyway; I know Celestia will be able to help you through this."

 

Sunset looked away, unable to share Twilight's confidence. "I hope so."

 

Starlight sat back on her hooves as well. "Maybe we should all get some sleep before we end up overthinking things. It is getting pretty late."

 

Sunset put a hoof behind her neck and blinked a few times, the lethargy starting to sting her eyes as well. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Don't want to work myself up too much before I talk to Celestia."

 

"It might be good for all of us to get some rest. I'll leave the cupcakes and fries in here if you want anymore, Sunset. Though... maybe just one more," Twilight said with a giddy smile as she lifted up another cupcake in an aura of magic.

 

"I'll see you guys in the morning," Sunset said, doing her best to try to keep her smile on.

 

Twilight leaned in for one last hug before turning away. "Goodnight, Sunset. I know the reason for the visit wasn't the best, but it's really nice to see you again."

 

"You too, Twilight."

 

Starlight stepped forward and set a hoof on Sunset's shoulder. "If you need anything don't be afraid to ask, alright?"

 

Sunset gave her a weak nod. "Of course."

 

The girls all traded their smiles and then the two purple mares left Sunset to her crystalline guest room. The warmth of the sweet gestures and caring hugs lingered in Sunset for a few moments, but as desperately as she tried to cling to the positive feelings, the negativity biting at the back of her mind quickly washed them away. The sinking nervousness in her stomach returned with a vengeance as she lethargically stepped over to the massive bed by the windows.

 

The softness of the sheets would've made Sunset swoon in comfort any other time, but as the regal comfort enveloped her entire body she still couldn't find any respite from her raging mind. Panic still teased the edges of her being as she thought about Celestia's disappointing glare, then intensified when she thought about her not even being disappointed, just not having an answer at all. Her mind raced through the faces of Soloman, then all of her friends... the scars on Wallflower's wrist, the worry on Twilight's face the day she heard... Sunset couldn't shake her own words out of her mind. [i]Maybe they'd be better off without me...[/i]

 

Sunset wished desperately to wake up from the nightmare, to be the person she used to think she was again. Doubt constricted her confidence until all that was left was the lonely atmosphere of negativity swarming her mind. The future... her ideas of her own selfishness projected forward to imagine all the horrible her friends would suffer because she couldn't distinguish from it. Sunset clenched her eyes shut to try to push away the pain, but the evidence blared in her mind anyway. The ugly slashes across Wallflower's wrists flashed in her mind. [i]It was almost two people...[/i]

 

Sunset let out a soft whine into her pillow and looked out to the moon, dread filling her mind as she knew she wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight. She did her best to get comfortable in preparation for the onslaught of awful thoughts that'd assault her before she was finally tired enough to fall asleep. Sunset clutched onto the one saving grace her mind could conjure—if anyone knew how to help her now, it'd be Celestia.

 

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CH.7