I'm going to say this upfront: I'm a bit embarrassed writing this one out, but this parody has been playing in my head ever since I first heard it, and I'd very much like to evict it. It's a rewrite of Man On The Internet's lyricized version of "In The Final" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipVrglfEXLA) from Bowser's Inside Story, recontextualizing it into a battle between the Elements of Harmony, Alicorn King Anon, and Sombra. The song bits will be conveyed in a script style because I have no idea how else I'd write out the lyrics in a Greentext format, and I highly recommend you give the song itself a listen or two to get an idea of the cadance I tried and probably failed to convey. If you're still here, you're a trooper.
>You're lean, mean, and unreasonably green
>Packing a sleek set of wings and the kind of horn that other unicorns could only dream of
>Once again, (You)'re back in the building as His Majesty, King Anonymous Rex
>Things have been going pretty good these past few months
>It finally came time to kick Twilight out of her tower
>You managed to not fuck up her development enough that she made the proper friends and found the Elements of Harmony
>Stopped Luna's attempt at a sequel to her rebellion before a single night, good work girl
>One more Alicorn for the pile
>(Please ignore that the pile is only three ponies, counting you)
>(Also that Luna has been a truly heinous bitch since you met, and will probably remain so for the foreseeable future)
>Twilight kept up her Friendship Reports, everything is mostly how you remember it
>With the exception of Discord being more of a bro in this timeline
>Though you do lament that resulting in Twilight and her friends not getting more experience in using the Elements or dealing with major threats
>She still performed admirably when it came time for the Wedding, even if you had to act like a complete dumbass the entire time
>The entire ordeal left a bitter taste in your mouth
>You didn't care to treat your star pupil in such a matter
>Twilight had come to become like a daughter to you, and it pained you to play things so close to canon for her development
>And so when she answered your summons to deal with this next matter
>You decided... what could it really hurt, to not stick to the script so thoroughly?
>As in the proper timeline, you had sent Cadence and Shining Armor out to investigate the 'rumors' of the returned Crystal Empire
>As before, they sent back requests for aid
>Part of you did worry you hadn't prepared Cadence as well as Celestia would have
>You could teach magic in your sleep to Twilight
>You were a unicorn before you fell in with the wrong crowd (The Tree of Harmony), after all, so you understood the mechanics there
>Alicorn magic, though...
>Shit, it's been centuries, and you're still learning new things about your capabilities
>From esoteric magic abilities like your limited futuresight
>To fine-tuning your control over the Sun (formerly the Moon as well, but you had ceded it back to Luna as soon as she was able to, and not a second before, despite her petulant attitude)
>Wait, we got a bit off track there
>The point is the Empire's back, and unlike your still-missing, fat-assed alabaster counterpart
>You aren't sending Twilight off empty-hooved and with a demand she make a hero out of herself
>The Elements were distributed to their bearers
>And while you gave Twilight Sparkle your honest praise and assurances that she could handle this threat
>You made a solemn promise (A Pinkie Promise is still solemn if you look sad enough while doing it) that you would be at her side if she should need it
>Hoofing over a Summoning Stone keyed to your magical signature, to make sure that if came to pass, she would have your might
>You did believe in your charge and her friends
>They'd done this before, and you knew they had it in them to do it again
>So you're a bit shocked as you're enjoying your evening tea that your cup vanishes from your lips
>And you're placed smack dab in the middle of some great cloud of swirling, oppressive black smoke
>With an encroaching wave of dark magic hurtling towards you
>Fortunately, you've got centuries of conflict tucked away under your belt, allowing you to both react to the wave of power and notice the six mares beside you that probably will need protecting too
>Conjuring seven dense bubbles of pure green magic that visibly crack and shudder against Sombra's attack
>Wow
>That was a bit more than you were expecting
>What's all this, then?
>Detective Mode, activate
>Your Arcane Vision flares to life as you step back, deeper into the thick fog to get a better idea of what you've stepped into
>The girls are all damn near blinding to look at, wearing their respective Elements of Harmony - that's good, they haven't lost them
>But the sheer amount of raw power radiating off of Sombra is... concerning
>It's then that you trace what you're really looking at here
>King Sombra has fashioned some kind of Mana Battery and hooked it up to himself, amplifying his power
>The magic is so intense that you could probably see it pulsing on him without your Arcane Vision
>His fur is totally standing on end and
>With his mane sticking straight up like that....
>He's totally stealing your mane style!
>That fucker!
>Wait, no, focus
>Computer, enhance
>It looks like... a black star
>Crystalline in composition
>Okay, fuck
>No prizes for guessing what that REALLY is
>But it does explain the 'whys' of the situation
>As the dust settles (or at least gets less dense)
>King Sombra stares at the assembled mares with fascination
>The Elements, meanwhile, are equally fascinated at the fact that they currently aren't dead
>"... Still here? Has my dark power truly not crushed your puny hopes?"
>Undeterred and not curious enough for his own good, the Umbrum King stalks towards the Elements of Harmony, speaking more to himself than anything
>"Soon this Kingdom will vanish, along with all the Crystal Ponies who dwell within. Take heart! You and your precious Equestria will not be long in joining them, sleeping eternally in my dark power's embrace!"
>Twilight practically shrinks on herself, taking several steps backwards, ears flattening against her skull
>As much as you were enjoying the free information dump, the sight of your precious student panicking like that reminds you that given you slunk away the moment you appeared, she probably thinks the Summoning Stone failed and she's about to die
>Right, lets fix that
>You take a deep breath, and...
"BWA HA HA HA HA!!!"
>You don't step into the foreground yet, conflict on this scale requires an entrance
>And given the feeling welling up in your chest you know what's coming with it
"Great dark hurricane! Seriously - a perfect backdrop for an awesome royal battle! You really sweat the details, your majesty."
>The decade you spent learning ventriloquism is really paying off here, paired up with the swirling vortex of dark smoke, your thrown voice is literally being tossed to the winds
>Making it difficult to properly pinpoint, if the mares and Umbrum glancing around wildly are anything to go by
"But let me make sure I heard you right. You're saying MY kingdom will vanish?"
>You rear up, and bring your hooves down as hard as you can
>The resulting strike forcibly parts the smoke around you all, exposing the place Sombra's chosen as his grave and, more importantly, your presence
"NOT TODAY. That Kingdom is MINE. So YOU FALL!"
>Just as you declare the Umbrum king's life forfeit, you feel it erupt in your chest
>Showtime
>As if Harmony was going to let you get away with just stepping on this buffoon's skull, she demands a spectacle
>You open your mouth to begin the Heart Song, but are shocked when King Sombra beats you to it
SOMBRA
LET, YOUR HOPES, BE BLOWN AWAY
MY DARK STAR WILL SHINE, AND ANNIHILATE THE DAY!
INSIDE THE HEARTS EQUINE I FEEL A DARKNESS BECKONING
YOU CONTEND WITH A POWER FAR BEYOND YOUR RECKONING!
DROWN, IN SHA-DOW, BLACK, AS TAR
UNDER BLACK-EST NIGHT, UNDER DARK-EST STARS/
I WILL RISE, AND THE STARS, WILL FALL!
ALL WHO DARE TO STAND, SHALL BE MADE TO CRAWL!
AND IN THE FINAL HOUR OF FADING LIGHT,
YOUR DREAMS OF PEACE CAST ASIDE, SCATTERED LIKE DUST IN THE NIGHT!
AND IN THE FINAL HOUR, MY STAR WILL SHINE
STARLIGHT AND POWERS ALIGNED, IN THIS FI-NAL FI-GHT!
>Of course, it wouldn't be much of a fight if the Umbrum King was just standing there belting out lyrics at you
>So even as he does, Sombra charges, his horn radiating with his perverse Dark Magic
>It barely looks like he can control it with how much his 'Dark Star' is empowering his magic, but he thoroughly demonstrates his skill as he conjures great boulders of dark crystals to try and crush you with
>You quickly take flight to dodge the projectiles, but that strategy is nixed when, with you off the ground, the Umbrum King immediately hurls a massive chunk of crystal at Rarity
>She screams and to her credit actually tries to conjure a shield of her own, but it probably would've been smarter of her to try and run out of the way
>Girl you manipulate sewing needles and track gems, your flank isn't blocking any of Sombra's attacks on his WORST day, much less now
>You quickly change trajectory to put yourself between the unicorn mare and the crystal, gritting your teeth as you don't have enough time to put up a sufficient barrier up to absorb the attack
>That stings, but you're a big colt, you'll be fine
>You need to keep Sombra's attention on you, though
>Beyond the fact that he could easily flatten any of the girls in this state, you have a use for them
>Using the crystal as a cover, you make eye contact with Rarity, and hope Sombra's dumbass battery doesn't give him enhanced senses
>Specifically hearing, as you risk whispering to the unicorn
"I'm going to draw his attacks. You and the others need to try and sever his connection to the Dark Star. Stress to Twilight how much that battery is the key to our victory. Do you understand?"
>Rarity is still shaken from being nearly crushed, but she does nod in the affirmative
>Good
>Gritting your teeth, you shove the huge chunk of crystal aside, blessed that none of the massive piece lodged itself in your thick Alicorn hide
>You remember seeing Shining's crystal herpes on his horn, no thanks to that
>Locking eyes with your opponent, you belt out before he can keep the momentum afforded by the Heart Song and LUNGE
"Well look at that, he had a little speech prepared! You done with monologues? 'Cause it's my turn, you should be scared!"
ANONYMOUS REX
Took my style? Well! I'm impressed!
I guess copy cats would of course co~py the BEST!
But I got no patience for defilers trying to take my throne -
I am EQUESTRIA'S KING - YOU THREATEN MINE?! I BREAK YOUR BONES!
I WHO HAVE CONQUERED AND SPREAD THE PEACE
HAVE STEPPED DOWN TO SEE, IF THE SHADOWS CAN BLE~ED!
PONY KING, WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN
I'LL PUT YOU BACK IN THE GROUND
LEARN WHY I WEAR THE CROWN!
AND IN THE FINAL HOUR OF FADING LIGHT
NOPONY CAN CHALLENGE MY MIGHT
NOT WHILE THE SUN'S FIRE BURNS BRI-IGHT!
AND IN THE FINAL HOUR, MY STAR WILL SHINE
STARLIGHT AND POWERS ALIGNED, IN THIS FI~NAL FI~GHT!
>With the Heart Song's momentum swinging your way, you return to the fray
>While you could be indulging in a sick wizard duel
>Spamming fireballs and counterspelling by turning his spells into snakes that specifically want to bite down on pony dicks
>Not only are you not sure if you can actually out-wizard this guy with his power at its' current level
>Distance like that doesn't help with your current objective of being a distraction
>So, it's time for some good old fashioned mudpony fighting
>(And a little bit of unicorn cheating by enhancing your physical prowess with your magic)
>As Sombra's horn flares you throw several jabs his way
>Caught off guard, but not quite enough -
>It would've really made this faster if you'd landed the mark and shattered his horn then and there
>(Or triggered an arcane cascade and crushed you all to death in a magical black hole, we play those 50-50s here)
>Now, while you've trained extensively in many martial arts
>Cragodile Maga, PJJ, Wing Pone, Cowpoeira
>And more, each one with a worse pun name than the last
>But at the end of the day hurlings your hooves like a drunken brute remains your favorite approach to this kind of combat
>Without that kind of discipline you're much harder to predict
>Not that it really matters
>Scribble in a +10 to your Intelligence all you want, Sombra
>That doesn't have shit on running the race that gets at minimum an 18 in every stat
>That is to say, this wizard does NOT know how to throw hooves
>Allowing you to perfectly box him in, keep his eyes on you, and let the girls manuever around him, trying to pick their spot
>And when he tries to get away, via his hooves or magic
>Well shit man, you're on him already again
>What, does this scrub not pack any AOE spells?
>Just as you're thinking it, you see the glint in his eye
>The, 'oh yeah, I have anti-melee spells' glint
>Before his horn can flare again you bust out your trump card
"What's wrong there Umbrum, are you just a pathetic parasite? Hope you don't mind, fighting tends to build an appetite!"
>And your head darts forward, teeth bared
>As you BITE DOWN on his shoulder
>The Umbrum King releases a scream of shock and rage
>Haha, no one ever has a plan for getting the shit bit out of him
>With his planned area of effect attack temporarily forgotten, Pinkie Pie lets out a gasp
>"Twilight, look, the Star!"
>Your student recognizes the advantage inherit in the situation and calls out
>"Now this is our chance - Rainbow!"
>The cyan pegasus flares her wings, grinning -
>"Lets finish off this star! You ready, girls?"
>- And launches herself like a rocket as Pinkie belts out 'Lets-a go!'
>With Sombra thoroughly distracted there's nothing stopping Rainbow from snatching the Dark Star
>Though it crackles and radiates its' power angrily in defiance, Dash's speed is so overwhelming she's able to sever the connection entirely!
>She tosses the star aside as it continues to shock her, raising off the floor into the air and firing off black lightning bolts at random, now that it isn't being focused
>The Elements surround it on all sides, and Twilight opens her mouth...
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
In this journey, we've come far
And now here we are, now you'll see, superstars!
APPLEJACK
If you're still listening Sombra know you made one big mistake -
APPLEJACK & PINKIE PIE
Thinking we'd could never find-a way to save the day!
>And as you knew they could, they did
>Twilight Sparkle coordinates the girls in aiming their Elements at the Dark Star and fire upon it with their Harmonic Magic
>The great rainbow wave washes over the evil artifact, cleansing it of darkness and...
>Gasp and shock! The Dark Star was the Crystal Heart this whole time!
>(Hey, you said no prizes for guessing)
>Sombra finally manages to push you off as his battery is depleted, rent from the darkness to shine with splendor once again
>Rather than be demoralized or give up sensibly, seeing the key to his victory seems to have snapped something in the Umbrum King
>With a mighty roar of defiance he artificially pumps himself up with his dark magic, much as you did
>Though his shot of arcane steroids seems to be a bit less stable than your own dose
>Great green veins of raw power pulse, visible even under his dark coat
>Fuck, did he just go all Bane on you?
>Before you can contemplate, Sombra answers your question by plowing his hoof into your face, sending your ass flying
>Now THAT fucking hurts
>If we're still running on your stat metaphor, it's like he just allocated everything to Strength
>Undeterred, or perhaps unaware as they're currently overflowing with their own Harmonic surge, the girls form up and get ready to fire off another blast from their Elements
RAINBOW DASH & FLUTTERSHY
We will hold our jewelry high!
Watch as your star falls, as we soar through the sk~y!
RARITY
We will rise! Ponies hoof in hoof!
We will ne~ver crawl! Now here we sta~and!
RARITY & TWILIGHT SPARKLE
And in the fi~nal hour of fading light
Dreams of peace taking flight, pushing back the NIGHT!
ELEMENTS OF HARMONY
AND IN THE FINAL HOUR OF FADING LIGHT
DREAMS OF PEACE TAKING FLIGHT, PUSHING BACK, THE, NI~GHT!
AND IN THE FINAL HOUR, OUR STAR WILL SHINE, STARLIGHT AND POWERS ALIGNED -
IN THIS FI~NAL FI~GHT!!
>At the apex of the Heart Song, the Elements roar to life once again
>And it's here you get to see what stopped the girls from taking Sombra down immediately with them in the first place
>With Nightmare Moon, she was scared shitless (and part of your theorizes that there was some part of Luna trying to hold her back in general)
>Discord obviously didn't get beamed in this timeline, but in the prime he just stood there laughing like an idiot
>Chrysalis was never in danger of getting laser beamed because Celestia couldn't trust Rainbow Dash to keep track of her jewelry
>Prime Sombra had been thoroughly fucked by the Crystal Heart itself firing on him from countless Crystal Ponies at once
>But this Harmony Beam? That's one point of attack
>So you're still surprised that any villain has the wherewithal to just... get the Hell out of the way when it's coming for them
>Guess he put some points in Dexerity, too
>Looks like you're not quite done in this fight just yet
SOMBRA
INSIDE THE HEARTS EQUINE I SEE A DARKNESS BECKONING -
ANONYMOUS REX
YOU ARE A FOOL TO TURN YOUR BACK ON THE PONY KING!
>Something of which you demonstrate when you leap back into the fray, throwing your full bodyweight on the juiced up Umbrum King
>He struggles valiantly, but hulked up as he is he doesn't have the slipperiness to properly slip free, stuck in an undignified position roughly resembling a full nelson
>You look up at your glowing saviors, trying to send them a message through your facial expression alone
>'Don't hesitate, do it now!'
>And to your relief, your Student doesn't hesitate
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
To save these Kingdoms we fight for everypony and everyTHING!
ELEMENTS OF HARMONY & ANONYMOUS REX
THE FINALE APPROACHES, NOW OF VICTORY WE'LL SING!
>As the purifying rays of Harmonic Magic wash over you, you grit your teeth and prepare to tense up every muscle in your body
>Though as you can feel Sombra's wretched body crumbling to dust in your grasp
>You're surprised to find that you're not being effected by the power of the magic
>Though you swear you hear a voice in your head
>One you haven't heard in centuries
>Outright giggle and say something to the effect of 'guilty conscience?' in a teasing way as the flood of Harmony slows down to a trickle and the music fades away
>Without Sombra holding you up in this peculiar position you collapse to the ground with an 'oof'
>But you're not left alone before Twilight and her friends bound up, expressions one of plain worry
>Hey, they clearly were worried about it hitting you too, so zip it
>You squirm to rest on your cannons, offering the assembled mares a weary grin
>Your eyes spark with mirth and pride as you behold Twilight
>Any signs of wear and tear have been mercifully erased from her form
>Thanks Harmony
>But there's still a clear exhaustion in her eyes
>Like she could faint at any moment
>Without any hesitation you spread your wings and wrap her in a tight hug in front of all of her friends, despite her quiet little protests
"I'm proud of you. All of you, before you get any ideas from this gesture."
>Slowly you rise to your hooves, and survey the area
>You realize now that this entire time you've been doing battle in a cityscape
>One you imagine was in a much rougher state before the combined power of the Crystal Heart and the Elements got to work on them
>Ponies are starting to trot out of their hiding spots
>Wow, that 'Crystal' part of their name was very literal, wasn't it?
>It's then that you hear a patented Rarity shrill squeal of delight and look over
>Now you're noticing that the girls are also exhibiting that crystalline state
>And if you look down at your left foreleg...
"Huh, neat."
>While the girls babble excitedly together, you move to address the crowd
"Fair Ponies of the Crystal Empire! Your foul Emperor has been deposed once again! Please, join me in honoring these six mighty heroes!"
>If they didn't see anything you're not about to start claiming credit
>You're already the God-King of Ponykind, you don't exactly need any more feats tacked on to your name
>As Twilight and the girls are lifted into the air to be celebrated, you make eye contact with your student and tip her a coy wink
>To which she beams and returns the gesture
>Perhaps it didn't go exactly as it would have in another time, another place
>But you're prouder of that mare than you've ever been