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Źdźbło Bezwzględny

By SQA-non
Created: 2020-10-23 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-01-14 08:38:18
Expiry: Never
anonocsafe/rgre/comedyreversed gender roles equestria

  1. >You are Anonymous.
  2. >Or at least, you are now.
  3. >Unfortunately, the holy language of Polish, does not translate well into Equestrian.
  4. >So for the sake of both your sanity and others, you’ve chosen to go by the name Anonymous.
  5. >And on a wondrous day like today, you find yourself seated in your beautiful house, sipping on some wonderful tea.
  6. >Until something disturbs you.
  7. >You hardly notice it at first, but if you focus you swear you could hear-
  8. >”O ANONYMOUS!”
  9. >...
  10. >Wait what the fuck?
  11. >”O GREAT ANONYMOUS!”
  12. >You /can/ actually hear that!
  13. >Despite the voice clearly shouting, it somehow managed to be barely audible.
  14. >”O GREAT.... Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz? I-I CALL UPON THEE!”
  15. >Now that you can’t ignore.
  16. >There are probably like two ponies that know your real name, much less pronounce it.
  17. >So getting up from your seat, you attempt to follow the voice.
  18. >Sounds like it coming from your kitchen?
  19. >”O YOU, TALLEST OF BEINGS! ANSWER MY PLEA!”
  20. >Yep, definitely your kitchen.
  21. >You swear to God if that Rainbow haired menace broke in again...
  22. >But as you round the corner you (thankfully) don’t see a broken window and an ostentatious bird horse.
  23. >Instead you see the /smallest/ little horse you’ve ever seen!
  24. >”O GR- o-oh my!”
  25. >Look at her! She’s even got tiny little butterfly wings sticking out of her cute little robes!
  26. >”You- you actually came!”
  27. >Oh that’s precious.
  28. “Yeah? You were practically screaming my name. How’d you even find out about that anyway?”
  29. >Of course she doesn’t bother answering, instead choosing to prostrate herself before you.
  30. >”Oh most tallest, I beseech you! I am but your humble servant!”
  31. >Admittedly this is not how you saw your day going, but you won’t complain.
  32. >”I performed the ritual as stated in the forbidden tome, now I ask for your assistance!”
  33. >Ritual?
  34. >Say, now that you’re looking around her, it looks like she did arrange some teeny little crystals in a neat little pattern.
  35. >The vindictive part of you is tempted just to fuck up said pattern for the sake of fucking with her.
  36. >But the curious, and much larger, part of you wants to see where this goes.
  37. “Well, you got me. What do you want me to do?”
  38.  
  39. >You are Breezette, and mare are you mad.
  40. >Here you are trying to manage a food shortage, and that nerd runs off to waste her time chasing legends!
  41. >When you said “every mare on deck,” you meant /every/ mare on deck!
  42. >Not that she’d be much help anyway.
  43. >That lazybones always has her nose in her books instead of doing real mare’s work!
  44. >Probably wouldn’t even know how to gather pollen if her life depended on it.
  45. >Speak of discord, the sound of somepony stepping through the portal directs you out your office window and right to her.
  46. >Stomping down from your office, you waste no time getting right in her face.
  47. “Meadow! Where have you been!? Don’t you know there’s a food shortage going on-”
  48. >She actually has the /audacity/ to cut you off by putting her hoof over your mouth.
  49. >Who does this mare think she is!?
  50. >”Behold!”
  51. >Why you autta...
  52. >Oh, oh sweet Celestia.
  53. >/Something/ just followed her through the portal.
  54. >You can’t even fathom what it is.
  55. >A giant green... something.
  56. >Like a minotaur paw but...
  57. >FILLED WITH SEEDS!
  58. >”A blessing from our new lord!”
  59. >You’ve already tuned her out as you rush for the seed pile.
  60. >You can’t believe it! So much food, and you didn’t even have to risk your lives on the wind for it!
  61. >By now a small crowd has gathered, all looking on in awe.
  62. >”Sisters and brothers, let us all raise our voices in praise for our new lord! All hail Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz!”
  63. >...
  64. >Uhhhh
  65. >”All hail Grezor Bezwegenicz?” tries one.
  66. >”No no no, I think it's Gzrgzor Bewzegkiewicz,” attempts another.
  67. >”Gzz Brezczczy?”
  68. >Suddenly a voice deeper and more terrible than you’ve ever heard rings out from the other side of the portal.
  69.  
  70. ”Please, just call me Anonymous. Hearing you try to speak in Polish is painful.”
  71. >You are Anonymous, and goddamn, it really was.
  72. >Although you’re not sure if you like what you hear next any better.
  73. >”IA IA ANONYMOUS FHTAGN!”
  74.  
  75. >It’s been a week since then, and you’re not sure this was a good idea.
  76. >It’s everyday you wake up to some variation of them screaming your name.
  77. >And it looks like today is no different.
  78. >”IA IA ANONYMOUS FHTAGN.”
  79. >Jesus Christ.
  80. >You practically storm into the kitchen, more than a little peeved off at being awoken at 6 am on a Saturday.
  81. >And seeing you (but pointedly ignoring the anger in your gaze) they stop their chanting.
  82. >The original one to contact you, who you now know is named Meadow, wastes no time before launching into another stupid speech.
  83. >”Oh great and mighty Anonymous, I your most humblest of servants, I brought you another tribute.”
  84. >As she gestures to the crowd she’s brought with her, you notice something.
  85. >They’re all mares.
  86. >”These brave volunteers from the village have offered themselves up, in accordance with scripture, to be added to your personal harem!”
  87. “Goddamn it, I told you I don’t want to start a Breezie harem, Meadow!”
  88. >”Oh lord, how you test me! But both my faith, and the faiths of these mares is absolute!”
  89. >It’s about then the ‘sacrifices’ start speaking up themselves.
  90. >>”Please lord! I would be honored to be smooshed between your massive balls!”
  91. >>>”Oh no lord, pick me! I have the greatest stamina in all the village!”
  92. >>>>”You’ve heard of Humming-birding lord, now get ready for Breezieing.”
  93. >This is getting you nowhere!
  94. >You know from the last time Meadow brought you a ‘tribute’ she won’t take no for an answer.
  95. >But God, you really don’t want three horny Breezies hanging around all the time.
  96. >Unless... wait, you’ve got it!
  97. “This pleases me greatly, Meadow! To think you’d bring me three virgins! This is a fine gift indeed.”
  98. >And just like that you can see all the color drain from their faces.
  99. >”V-virgins Lord?”
  100. >You let out a deep belly laugh that you hope to God is intimidating.
  101. “Of course! I couldn’t accept anything less.”
  102. >The four start muttering amongst themselves.
  103. >>”Meadow what do we do!?”
  104. >>>”A virgin mare!? There’s no virgin mares in the village!”
  105. >”W-well actually...”
  106. >>>>”Oh no he’s going to squish us! And not in a sexy way!”
  107. >”Quiet all of you... I-I know what must be done. You three go.”
  108. >Aha, yes! Thank you reversed gender roles!
  109. >As you watch the three ‘sacrifices’ leave you allow yourself a sigh of relief.
  110. >Now you just got to make sure poor Meadow doesn't have a nervous breakdown.
  111. >”Uuuh L-lord?”
  112. >Turning to look directly at her you give her a smile.
  113. “Yes, my humble servant?”
  114. >”T-there’s only one virign in the village...”
  115. >Oh, well that’s unfortunate.
  116. >You suppose having just one Breezie around would probably be fine.
  117. >Who knows, maybe could even talk some sense into her?
  118. “Well what are you waiting for, bring her here!”
  119. >Surprisingly, she doesn’t immediately scurry off, instead starting to... tremble?
  120. “Uhhhh, it’s alright that you forgot the virgin part Meadow, just you know, go and get her.”
  121. >That seemingly only makes her trembling worse.
  122. >Wait is she saying something?
  123. >”I am his humble servant, I am his humble servant, I am his humble servant.”
  124. >Oh no, don’t tell you that the virgin is-!
  125. >”OH GREAT AND MOST BEAUTIFUL LORD! AS THE ONLY VIRGIN IN THE VILLAGE I OFFER MYSELF UP! I GIVE MYSELF WHOLLY UNTO THEE!”
  126. >As she finishes her exaltation she casts aside her robes, throwing herself before you.
  127. >”NOW I CAN TELL MOM I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A GOD!”
  128. >Thaaaat’s just your luck.
  129.  
  130. >Meanwhile at Sugarcube corner.
  131. >You are Twilight Sparkle, mildly concerned book horse.
  132. “Say, Fluttershy, weren’t the Breezies supposed to come through again this week?”
  133. >”I thought they were supposed to...”
  134. >”Ahhhh those lazy bums probably just procrastinated again! I even had a great prank laid out!” Rainbow Dash interjects.
  135. “And what would that have been?”
  136. >”I made a Breezie sized book and was going to use it to convince Grzegorz the Breezies worshiped him like a god! It was going to be hilarious! Hey I wonder where that book /got/ to...”
  137. >HA! Breezies worshiping Anon? Now that would be a sight to see.

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