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Źdźbło Bezwzględny
By SQA-nonCreated: 2020-10-23 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-01-14 08:38:18
Expiry: Never
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>You are Anonymous.
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>Or at least, you are now.
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>Unfortunately, the holy language of Polish, does not translate well into Equestrian.
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>So for the sake of both your sanity and others, you’ve chosen to go by the name Anonymous.
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>And on a wondrous day like today, you find yourself seated in your beautiful house, sipping on some wonderful tea.
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>Until something disturbs you.
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>You hardly notice it at first, but if you focus you swear you could hear-
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>”O ANONYMOUS!”
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>...
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>Wait what the fuck?
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>”O GREAT ANONYMOUS!”
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>You /can/ actually hear that!
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>Despite the voice clearly shouting, it somehow managed to be barely audible.
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>”O GREAT.... Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz? I-I CALL UPON THEE!”
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>Now that you can’t ignore.
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>There are probably like two ponies that know your real name, much less pronounce it.
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>So getting up from your seat, you attempt to follow the voice.
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>Sounds like it coming from your kitchen?
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>”O YOU, TALLEST OF BEINGS! ANSWER MY PLEA!”
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>Yep, definitely your kitchen.
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>You swear to God if that Rainbow haired menace broke in again...
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>But as you round the corner you (thankfully) don’t see a broken window and an ostentatious bird horse.
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>Instead you see the /smallest/ little horse you’ve ever seen!
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>”O GR- o-oh my!”
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>Look at her! She’s even got tiny little butterfly wings sticking out of her cute little robes!
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>”You- you actually came!”
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>Oh that’s precious.
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“Yeah? You were practically screaming my name. How’d you even find out about that anyway?”
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>Of course she doesn’t bother answering, instead choosing to prostrate herself before you.
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>”Oh most tallest, I beseech you! I am but your humble servant!”
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>Admittedly this is not how you saw your day going, but you won’t complain.
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>”I performed the ritual as stated in the forbidden tome, now I ask for your assistance!”
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>Ritual?
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>Say, now that you’re looking around her, it looks like she did arrange some teeny little crystals in a neat little pattern.
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>The vindictive part of you is tempted just to fuck up said pattern for the sake of fucking with her.
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>But the curious, and much larger, part of you wants to see where this goes.
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“Well, you got me. What do you want me to do?”
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>You are Breezette, and mare are you mad.
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>Here you are trying to manage a food shortage, and that nerd runs off to waste her time chasing legends!
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>When you said “every mare on deck,” you meant /every/ mare on deck!
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>Not that she’d be much help anyway.
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>That lazybones always has her nose in her books instead of doing real mare’s work!
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>Probably wouldn’t even know how to gather pollen if her life depended on it.
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>Speak of discord, the sound of somepony stepping through the portal directs you out your office window and right to her.
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>Stomping down from your office, you waste no time getting right in her face.
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“Meadow! Where have you been!? Don’t you know there’s a food shortage going on-”
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>She actually has the /audacity/ to cut you off by putting her hoof over your mouth.
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>Who does this mare think she is!?
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>”Behold!”
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>Why you autta...
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>Oh, oh sweet Celestia.
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>/Something/ just followed her through the portal.
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>You can’t even fathom what it is.
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>A giant green... something.
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>Like a minotaur paw but...
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>FILLED WITH SEEDS!
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>”A blessing from our new lord!”
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>You’ve already tuned her out as you rush for the seed pile.
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>You can’t believe it! So much food, and you didn’t even have to risk your lives on the wind for it!
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>By now a small crowd has gathered, all looking on in awe.
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>”Sisters and brothers, let us all raise our voices in praise for our new lord! All hail Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz!”
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>...
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>Uhhhh
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>”All hail Grezor Bezwegenicz?” tries one.
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>”No no no, I think it's Gzrgzor Bewzegkiewicz,” attempts another.
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>”Gzz Brezczczy?”
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>Suddenly a voice deeper and more terrible than you’ve ever heard rings out from the other side of the portal.
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”Please, just call me Anonymous. Hearing you try to speak in Polish is painful.”
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>You are Anonymous, and goddamn, it really was.
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>Although you’re not sure if you like what you hear next any better.
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>”IA IA ANONYMOUS FHTAGN!”
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>It’s been a week since then, and you’re not sure this was a good idea.
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>It’s everyday you wake up to some variation of them screaming your name.
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>And it looks like today is no different.
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>”IA IA ANONYMOUS FHTAGN.”
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>Jesus Christ.
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>You practically storm into the kitchen, more than a little peeved off at being awoken at 6 am on a Saturday.
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>And seeing you (but pointedly ignoring the anger in your gaze) they stop their chanting.
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>The original one to contact you, who you now know is named Meadow, wastes no time before launching into another stupid speech.
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>”Oh great and mighty Anonymous, I your most humblest of servants, I brought you another tribute.”
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>As she gestures to the crowd she’s brought with her, you notice something.
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>They’re all mares.
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>”These brave volunteers from the village have offered themselves up, in accordance with scripture, to be added to your personal harem!”
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“Goddamn it, I told you I don’t want to start a Breezie harem, Meadow!”
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>”Oh lord, how you test me! But both my faith, and the faiths of these mares is absolute!”
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>It’s about then the ‘sacrifices’ start speaking up themselves.
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>>”Please lord! I would be honored to be smooshed between your massive balls!”
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>>>”Oh no lord, pick me! I have the greatest stamina in all the village!”
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>>>>”You’ve heard of Humming-birding lord, now get ready for Breezieing.”
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>This is getting you nowhere!
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>You know from the last time Meadow brought you a ‘tribute’ she won’t take no for an answer.
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>But God, you really don’t want three horny Breezies hanging around all the time.
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>Unless... wait, you’ve got it!
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“This pleases me greatly, Meadow! To think you’d bring me three virgins! This is a fine gift indeed.”
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>And just like that you can see all the color drain from their faces.
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>”V-virgins Lord?”
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>You let out a deep belly laugh that you hope to God is intimidating.
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“Of course! I couldn’t accept anything less.”
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>The four start muttering amongst themselves.
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>>”Meadow what do we do!?”
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>>>”A virgin mare!? There’s no virgin mares in the village!”
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>”W-well actually...”
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>>>>”Oh no he’s going to squish us! And not in a sexy way!”
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>”Quiet all of you... I-I know what must be done. You three go.”
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>Aha, yes! Thank you reversed gender roles!
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>As you watch the three ‘sacrifices’ leave you allow yourself a sigh of relief.
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>Now you just got to make sure poor Meadow doesn't have a nervous breakdown.
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>”Uuuh L-lord?”
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>Turning to look directly at her you give her a smile.
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“Yes, my humble servant?”
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>”T-there’s only one virign in the village...”
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>Oh, well that’s unfortunate.
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>You suppose having just one Breezie around would probably be fine.
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>Who knows, maybe could even talk some sense into her?
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“Well what are you waiting for, bring her here!”
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>Surprisingly, she doesn’t immediately scurry off, instead starting to... tremble?
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“Uhhhh, it’s alright that you forgot the virgin part Meadow, just you know, go and get her.”
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>That seemingly only makes her trembling worse.
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>Wait is she saying something?
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>”I am his humble servant, I am his humble servant, I am his humble servant.”
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>Oh no, don’t tell you that the virgin is-!
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>”OH GREAT AND MOST BEAUTIFUL LORD! AS THE ONLY VIRGIN IN THE VILLAGE I OFFER MYSELF UP! I GIVE MYSELF WHOLLY UNTO THEE!”
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>As she finishes her exaltation she casts aside her robes, throwing herself before you.
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>”NOW I CAN TELL MOM I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A GOD!”
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>Thaaaat’s just your luck.
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>Meanwhile at Sugarcube corner.
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>You are Twilight Sparkle, mildly concerned book horse.
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“Say, Fluttershy, weren’t the Breezies supposed to come through again this week?”
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>”I thought they were supposed to...”
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>”Ahhhh those lazy bums probably just procrastinated again! I even had a great prank laid out!” Rainbow Dash interjects.
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“And what would that have been?”
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>”I made a Breezie sized book and was going to use it to convince Grzegorz the Breezies worshiped him like a god! It was going to be hilarious! Hey I wonder where that book /got/ to...”
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>HA! Breezies worshiping Anon? Now that would be a sight to see.
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