THERE'S A CHANGELING IN MY GAT DANG HOUSE


                                            >You are Floor Bored, veteran Ponechanner and all around NEET.

                                            >Today you find yourself doing what you do most days, verbally dualing a fellow browser of /mlh/ to the death.

                                            “And /THAT/ is why human dick was made for mare pussy! Ziggers get out!”

                                            >Smashing that post button you lean back in your chair, confident that your final diatribe removed any chance of your opponent's recovery.

                                            “Bucking funposters” you say under your breath.

                                            >Readying your mouse to refresh the page, you’re suddenly hit with [spoiler]the fact you’re wasting your life on something so utterly meaningless like the failure you are.[/spoiler]

                                            >Hoping to banish those thoughts, you click away to /mlh/’s catalog.

                                            “Buck it, thread was dying anyway.”

                                            >As you leaf through the catalogue however, you’re dismayed to find that not a single  thread catches your eye.

                                            >You make sure to voice this displeasure to no one in particular, of course.

                                            “Celestia damned Facade posters, he ruined the show and the board!”

                                            >However, righteous indignation alone didn’t cause any good threads to appear.

                                            >Which while expected, was none the less disappointing.

                                            >All hope was not lost though.

                                            >After all, as you said, you are a veteran ponechanner.

                                            >And what veteran ponecahnner only browses one board?

                                            >Indeed you have a great many boards to choose from! Surely one will have the stimulation you crave!


                                            >It is now much later, and sadly it seems you were wrong.

                                            >No matter the board, you just kept coming up bupkis.

                                            >If this kept up you might actually have to get off ponechan for the day.

                                            >Then what would you do!?

                                            >Read a book!?

                                            >Cook a meal!?

                                            >GO OUTSIDE!?

                                            >Unacceptable!

                                            >There was still one board left, one saving grace!

                                            >And dear sweet Celestia it was /x/.

                                            >You sigh heavily.

                                            >Last time you bothered to brouse /x/ it was just /changeling/ this and /changeling/ that.

                                            >And you’d bet all of your bits that that’s exactly what it would be today.

                                            >BUT with options ranging from slim to none, you reluctantly clicked the little /x/, and dove right in.

                                            >As the page loads however, the prognosis is bleak.

                                            >Right off the bat the top threads are exactly what you expected.

                                            >Changeling Stories Thread.

                                            >How to tell if your loved one is a Changeling.

                                            >Help I’m trapped in a changeling hive and they said they’re going to--

                                            >Blah Blah Blah.

                                            >You could maybe stomach a changeling story or two back in the day, but once you realised they all read the same you just couldn’t get into them anymore.

                                            >Just as you were about to close the page however, a thread near the bottom catches your eye.

                                            > “Changeling Husbandos are superior, how could a stallion ever hope to compete?”

                                            >You allowed yourself a small smile, at least this was a fresh take on the topic.

                                            >Clicking the thread, you hoped the responses would at least be enough to alleviate your boredom.

                                            >Maybe you could even get a rise out of some of the commenters by playing along with OP?

                                            >That would at least fill your soul for awhile.

                                            >As the page loads, you take the opportunity to read the entirety of the OP.

                                            >Hmm, now there’s an interesting oppic.

                                            >It looks like some kind of... application?

                                            >Shifting your gaze, you look upon the accompanying text post.

                                            > It appears the majority of the OP is taken up by a list of pros to having a changeling house husband.

                                            > “My life is tied to your emotional well being so I’d never hurt you”.

                                            > “You’d never need to buy food for me because I don’t eat”.

                                            > “Sex is always a tasty meal so /true/ a changeling is always DTF”.

                                            > “I’ll never need things like jewelry and spa days like pony stallions, a mare to hold is enough”.

                                            >You had to admit, it sounded pretty appealing.

                                            >As a kissless virgin, a devoted househusband requiring little to no effort sounded like the perfect fantasy.

                                            [spoiler]>And all the degenerate sex your sweaty NEET body could ever want.[/spoiler]

                                            [spoiler]>Unf.[/spoiler]

                                            >If that was the kind of thread this was you could get behind it!

                                            >After all, it’s basically what you posted on /mlh/ anyway.

                                            >Cracking your elbows, you prepared to write as much green about an ideal husband as this thread could take.

                                            >However, the last (and previously missed) line caught your eye.

                                            > “Now if YOU want a changeling house husband of your very own, all you need to do is fill out the application and email it to BugzRcool@pmail.com to be considered. I hope to hear from you soon!”

                                            >With that, the smile ran off your face.

                                            >This wasn’t a thread for ponies to write erotica about easy lays for NEETs!

                                            >It was a SCAM!

                                            >Unbelievable! Just when you were starting to get into it, those bitches had played you!

                                            >Screeching in a way that likely annoyed the hay out of your neighbors you prepared to write out the angriest post you could muster!

                                            >But then it hit you.

                                            >A way to kill time and get back at scammer!

                                            >Submit a troll application!

                                            >While the voice of reason inside your mind pointed out this would largely be a waste of time, the vindictive side of you said buck that and buck you reason!

                                            >So with that you downloaded the form and set to work.


                                            >About halfway through you realized how weird this was.

                                            >There were no hallmarks of a typical con.

                                            >No SSN, no credit cards, no passwords, nothing.

                                            >Just stuff like hobbies and living style, even a personality quiz.

                                            >As you filled it out you began to feel less like you’re wasting a scammer’s time and more like you’re filling out a joke online dating profile.

                                            >This did not deter you however,

                                            >Those scammers had ruined your minute, and by Celestia you were going to ruin theirs!

                                            >So you set to work filling out the application with the worst stuff you possibly come up with...

                                            >Truth about your real life living situation!

                                            >Burying the shame of living in absolute squalor beneath a mountain of vindictive rage only a mild inconvenience could create, you filled out every single line with absolute sincerity.

                                            >Living space: I live in a one bedroom apartment, meaning you would have to share a bed with me. A bed who’s sheets I haven’t washed in months. To be frank, I can’t remember the last time I washed anything in my apartment. Oh and btw, I know you said changelings don’t eat food, but on the off chance you do need some physical food, all I have is ramen.

                                            >The rest of the application read more or less the same, each line getting even more disgusting detail than the last.

                                            >Honestly you were pretty proud of it. Especially when you went into graphic detail about your hobby of growing mushrooms in your unwashed laundry. Colts love mushrooms!

                                            [spoiler]>You’re pretty sure you read that online once.[/spoiler]

                                            >Looking over your hoofywork you were confident it would ruin even the most jaded pony’s day.

                                            >Making the last step to set up a dummy email account and send it in to BugzRcool@pmail.com.

                                            >Which you did, confident absolutely nothing would come of it.


                                            >You were Nat, a lonely and hungry changeling male.

                                            >Hiding in a hovel you carved out in the wall of the local library, you watched your email like a hawk.

                                            >Times had gotten pretty tough in the hive, and the Queen was getting more and more desperate.

                                            >So you did the only thing you could.

                                            >Split.

                                            >You were always known around the hive as a bit of a lazy good-for-nothing.

                                            >And they were right!

                                            >No way you were sticking your neck out for them.

                                            >Besides, you’ve heard the stories about how easy it is for pony stallions to get some puss.

                                            >You figured with a little magic mares wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, and you’d be on your way to an all you can eat love buffet!

                                            >Well, turns out, they could tell the difference.

                                            >Since you weren’t an infiltrator, noling had seen fit to instruct you on the finer points of pony social interaction.

                                            >/Apparently/ most mares thought you acted ‘weird’ like an ‘alien wearing pony skin’.

                                            >For a while there you were starting to worry that you’d have to put in some actual effort!

                                            >But then you found /them/.

                                            >NEETs.

                                            >They’re so desperate, they’ll snuggle practically anything.

                                            >Plus, if what you found on this “x” is true, many even fetishize bizarre sexual encounters!

                                            >Perfect!

                                            >...if you could meet one.

                                            >Unsurprisingly, it's rather difficult to meet ponies who are notorious for going out of their way to ensure they never meet anypony new.

                                            >That’s when it hit you.

                                            >If they love openly fantasizing on this “x”, surely at least one of them would respond to an offer to have their fantasies realized posted on that very “board”!

                                            >Which brings you back to the present as the sound of an arriving email dings.

                                            >Ahhh, another new application.

                                            >This one from a ‘Ceiling Excited’.

                                            >Hmmm, now let’s see...

                                            >An earth pony? That’s good, you like being the only one who can cast spells.

                                            >Based on her height and weight she’s probably chubby, not enough to be truly unattractive, but enough so that her self confidence is probably shot.

                                            >Perfect!

                                            >The living situation sounds pleasantly dark and dank.

                                            >Oh wow, she even grows her own mushrooms!

                                            >Sounds like you just hit the jackpot!

                                            >Now you’ve just got to pay this mare a visit.

                                            >Let’s see, at 1214 ShoeHorse Lane.

                                            >That’s... an obviously fake address.

                                            >Dang!

                                            >The answers had such vivid detail though, they didn’t seem like lies.

                                            >Perhaps... perhaps your target is just a bit shy.

                                            >Even though she gave you a fake address, it might still be worth looking into this ‘Ceiling Excited’.

                                            >Besides it's not like it’ll be hard to find out where she /actually/ lives.

                                            >Cyberstalking 101 was one of the few classes you actually paid attention to after all!

                                            >Alright, you’ll spend an evening looking into this mare, and if she seems worth it, you’ll pay her a visit.

                                            >Once you figure out where you’re going you’ll send her an email to let her know you’re coming.

                                            >Oooo! And you should throw in a cute picture of yourself while you’re at it...


                                            >You are Floor Bored, and it’s been about a day since you sent in that application, and only the barest hints of it remain in your memories.

                                            >Say, what should you do today?

                                            >Browse ponechan for another twelve hours like the failure you are?

                                            >Sounds like a plan to you!

                                            >*Ding!*

                                            >Hey, what was that?

                                            >Paging through all your windows, it looks like you forgot to log out of that email you made to send in that application.

                                            >That application that just got a response.

                                            >Wonder what they sent--

                                            >Opening the email, your heart seizes in fear.

                                            >Practically throwing yourself out of your chair, you scramble away from your desktop, as if you could somehow hide from the email itself.

                                            >It’s only two sentences, but it's two sentences that terrify you beyond any fear you’ve ever felt.

                                            >”I figured out your little puzzle Floor! I’ll be paying a visit to 123 Oats Lane, apartment 13 soon!”

                                            >How- how did they figure out your real name and address!?

                                            >To make matters worse, there’s a picture embedded.

                                            >A picture that chills you to your very bones.

                                            >It’s a dark room, so dark all you can see is a pair of soulless, glowing blue eyes.

                                            >Glowing blue eyes that are staring at you, like a predator hungry for the kill.

                                            >Ohbuckohbuckohbuck

                                            >What have you done!?

                                            >You- you’ve gotta hide!

                                            >Scrambling towards your bed, you pray to find some sort of safety under it.

                                            >Oh Celestia, you can practically feel those eyes still watching you!

                                            >You need to-

                                            >Wait.

                                            >Wait wait wait wait.

                                            >There’s no way you actually attracted some supernatural monster... right?

                                            >O-of course not. Changelings aren’t real!

                                            >It’s probably just those scammers getting back at you!

                                            >Yeah, yeah that’s gotta be it.

                                            >You bet if you put that image in reverse image search, you’d get hundreds of duplicates.

                                            >In fact, that’s exactly what you’ll do.

                                            >So pulling yourself back out from under your bed, and suppressing that deep feeling of dread in your gut, you walk back over to the computer.

                                            >Let’s reverse image search aaaaaaaand-

                                            >Zero results.

                                            >If your shriek of annoyance yesterday didn’t annoy the hay out of your neighbors, you shriek of terror today sure did.


                                            >You are Floor Bored, and today you have to do something you wish you’d never have to do.

                                            >Go outside.

                                            >Desperate times call for desperate measures, though.

                                            >After all that... that THING was coming, and there was no way you were just going to rest on your haunches ‘till it gets here.

                                            >You couldn’t just go to the authorities, nopony would believe you!

                                            >No, your only option was to prepare for its arrival by fortifying your apartment.

                                            >Which forced you to confront the unfortunate fact that you own none of the supplies you needed to do that.

                                            >Leaving you with only one option: take a trip to Stable Depot, in broad daylight no less.

                                            >Your NEET instincts scream at you to wait until the sun goes down, but that’s when it's most likely to strike!

                                            >So you go now.

                                            >All you’ve got to do is cross the threshold, and go out into the world.

                                            >Come on, you can do it.

                                            >Your life depends on it!

                                            >Forcing your right forehoof forward, you just barely get it out of your apartment.

                                            >Phew! Alright, that’s the hardest part.

                                            >Just put one hoof in front of the other, Floor....

                                            >Aaaand yooooooou....

                                            >Did it!

                                            >Yes, that’s step one!

                                            >Now you just need to take another step.

                                            >Anytime now.

                                            >Aaaaaaaaanytime.


                                            >You are Nat the changeling, and you’re comfortably seated on the train to ponyville.

                                            >You can’t help but admire your disguise’s reflection in the window.

                                            >Piercing eyes, chiseled jaw...

                                            >Hold on, are your eyes too big?

                                            >You turn to the nearest stallion a few seats over to get a look for reference.

                                            >As you do, he grabs his son sitting by him and moves the colt to the other side of him, away from you.

                                            >Eh, they’re probably fine.


                                            >You, Floor Bored, managed to make it all the way to Stable Depot.

                                            >Now you’ve got a shopping wagon full of boards, nails, and all sorts of tools you’ll be using to turn your apartment into a fortress.

                                            >That just leaves checking out.

                                            >And oh Celestia, the only cashier open right now is a c-colt!

                                            >Y-you’d better just wait until another aisle opens...

                                            >Unfortunately for you, praying that you turned invisible didn’t help, and he sees you waiting there.

                                            >”Ma’am? I can help you over here!” he calls.

                                            >Buck buck buck buck.

                                            >Not having the nerve to call out saying you can wait, you walk over to the stallion.

                                            >O-oh Celestia preserve you, the uniform looks so tight on him...

                                            [spoiler]>Deep down you know it isn't that tight, you’re just desperate.[/spoiler]

                                            >”You find everything okay today?”

                                            >Come on Floor, don’t screw this up.

                                            >Maybe you’ll be able to come back and get a date with him one day if you can keep it smooth!

                                            “Y-yesIdidthankyouverymuchwouldyouliketogoonadate?”

                                            >Thank goodness the colt looks like he has no idea what you just said, you did not mean to stick that on the end of that statement.

                                            >”Uh, I’m sorry ma’am can you repeat—”

                                            >He cuts off his statement though, taking notice of something.

                                            >Ooooh now he’s staring at your flanks!

                                            >Oh no, he’s staring at your /flanks/!

                                            >”Ma’am, I’m sorry but you aren’t a minor, right? You don’t look like a minor but I can’t help but notice you don’t have a cutie mark.”

                                            >Your face burns in shame.

                                            >Sticking your muzzle into your saddlebags, you solemnly pull out your NEET ID and show it to him.

                                            >Oh Celestia, he’s giving you that look everypony gives you when they realize you’re a NEET.

                                            >You’re just a late bloomer! You’ll get it eventually!

                                            >”Oooh,” he says with a deliberate slowness to each word, “Sorry about that ma’am, but after the Cutie Mark Crusaders last outing, I'm required to ask.”

                                            >This just makes your face burn even more.

                                            >Great, you can tell by his tone he thinks you’re a retard.

                                            >You hate showing ponies your NEET card, this happens every time.

                                            >Thankfully, the crushing shame is giving you enough courage to actually talk to him.

                                            “I-I’m not a idiot.”

                                            >He looks deeply surprised you actually spoke, and now he’s the one with the red face.

                                            >Ha! Take that!

                                            >It feels like a hollow victory though...

                                            >”Oh! I’m sorry I just thought... nevermind, here I’ll give you this hammer free of charge as a formal apology from the Stable Depot team!”

                                            >You say nothing, and the rest of the transaction is conducted in shameful silence.


                                            >You are Nat the changeling and mare, you love it here!

                                            >This town is great!

                                            >If this doesn’t work out, you should just stay in Ponyville permanently.

                                            >Ever since you stepped off the train it's been nothing but smiles, friendly hellos, the occasional concerned look, and only one foal saying, “daddy, what’s wrong with his face?”

                                            >Much nicer than the receptions you’ve been getting elsewhere.

                                            >As of now you’re sitting outside a local ice cream parlor, enjoying a confection.

                                            >Big thanks to that one mare who sent you a couple thousand bits for those ‘celebrity’ hoof pics!

                                            >That’s covered most of your bills as of late.

                                            >But this set up? Free food forever?

                                            >This’ll be your best set up yet.

                                            >Speaking of, there’s a reason you aren’t going to your new paramour right now.

                                            >It is well known that NEETs are a nocturnal breed.

                                            >And being the soon to be loving ‘husbando’ that you are, you want to take your paramour’s feelings into account.

                                            >So it's better to just mill about until the sun sets, then you’ll drop by.

                                            >Until then, that’s what ice cream is for!

                                            >Mmmmmm, cold flavor, your favorite!


                                            >You are Floor Bored, and pushing aside the demoralizing Stable Depot encounter has allowed you to get to work.

                                            >And work you have.

                                            >Putting down the hammer to catch your breath and wipe the foam off your brow, you take stock of all you’ve done.

                                            >Most of your windows have been covered by boards now.

                                            >You’ve also installed three new locks on your door, and have begun boarding that up too.

                                            >Trying to get back to work, you attempt to lift the hammer only for your foreleg to immediately give out and drop the hammer.

                                            >Okay, maybe that’s a sign you should rest.

                                            >Allowing gravity to take you, you collapse onto the ground.

                                            >Honestly it's probably by the grace of your Earth Pony heritage that you hadn’t collapsed earlier.

                                            >This is more physical activity than you’ve done in the past two years combined!

                                            >And as you lay here, you can’t help but wonder, is it really worth it?

                                            >What if this is your last day in Equestria and you spent it doing /physical labor/!?

                                            >No, don’t think like that, Floor!

                                            >Forcing yourself to get back up, you ready another board.

                                            >Just focus on the joy you’ll experience by rewatching “Lyana Kao Shite Shitagi Misete Hoshī” for the thirtieth time, something you can’t do if you’re dead.


                                            >The time has come for you, Nat the changeling.

                                            >Sure the sun’s only just set, but you’re just too excited to meet your meal ticket!

                                            >So here you stand outside of her building, checking for anything out of the ordinary, just in case.

                                            >Oh hey, that looks like her apartment, and you can see boards through the blinds!

                                            >Awww how nice of her! Trying to further limit the amount of sunlight that gets in, just for you.

                                            >Mare, you really struck gold here!

                                            >Alright time to quit wasting time and get in there!


                                            >You are Floor Bored, and right now you find yourself taking cover behind your couch.

                                            >No, you’re not /cowering/...

                                            >Okay you are.

                                            >But in your defense, a literal inequine monster was supposedly on its way!

                                            >That would horrify anypony!

                                            >You should be safe in here though, short of demolishing that door nopony should ever be able to get in—

                                            >*knock* *knock* *knock*

                                            >Oh buck, oh buck!

                                            >Despite yourself you start breathing heavier.

                                            >Stop stop! He’ll hear you!

                                            >To your horror however, an unnatural and non-pony voice wafts through your door.

                                            >”Oh Floor, I know you’re in there! I can smell you!”

                                            >Oh BUCK OH BUCK!

                                            “G-go away!”

                                            >You hear the /thing/ on the other side of the door chuckle, it makes your fur stand on end.

                                            >”You’ve nothing to fear, Floor, your new husbando is here!”

                                            “I said GO AWAY!”

                                            >You hear the thing... sigh?

                                            >”Aw mare, this poor filly’s got it bad.”

                                            >He clears his throat.

                                            >”Fear not my, uh, waifu! No barrier shall keep me away, not this door, nor your anxiety!”

                                            >For once you allow yourself a smile.

                                            >Yeah right, that doors locked tighter than—

                                            >You heart jumps into your throat.

                                            >/Something/ is now blocking the light from coming under your door.

                                            >A-and there’s some kind of sh-shuffling sound...

                                            >Oh Celestia oh CELESTIA!

                                            >ITS CRAWLING UNDER THE DOOR HOW IS IT CRAWLING UNDER THE DOOR!?

                                            >Ignoring your fear, the flat and now VERY in your apartment ‘stallion’ looks up and smiles at you.

                                            >Why are his eyes so big, WHY ARE HIS EYES SO BIG?

                                            >”Gotcha.”

                                            >Screaming as loud as you can you make a break for your bedroom.

                                            >You know it won’t keep him out but you desperately hope anyway.

                                            >Slamming the door shut as you drive through it, you wiggle yourself as deep under your bed as you can.

                                            >A-aha! It said it could “smell” you earlier, well under here, everything smells like you because you haven’t cleaned under here in months!

                                            [spoiler]>Oh hey! You were wondering where those panies got to![/spoiler]

                                            >If you can just bury yourself deep enough, he’ll never find you!

                                            >It appears you got under here not a moment too soon, as your door starts slowly opening.

                                            >As it does, you’re granted a window into your dark apartment, and all you can see are luminescent blue eyes.

                                            >Eyes that are staring RIGHT INTO YOURS!

                                            >”Found you.”

                                            >OH CELESTIA PLEASE YOU’RE SORRY FOR EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER DONE!

                                            >As he charges forward, you close your eyes and scream in a decidedly unmarely way.

                                            “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

                                            >Holding them shut, you expect to feel his teeth since into your flesh at any moment.

                                            >But it never comes.

                                            >Instead he... wraps his hooves around you?

                                            >Cracking one eye open, you find that he’s wedged himself under the bed with you, with what you suppose passes for a ‘content’ look on his face.

                                            >”Oh you really did go all out for me didn’t you? You’re the best waifu a husbando could ask for.”

                                            >Huh?