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/emo/ Deep suffering, chp 3

By NHanon
Created: 2020-10-23 15:41:40
Expiry: Never

  1. 1.
    >As the alarm goes off, you slam your hoof into it, nearly breaking it.
  2. 2.
    >Your head is pounding and worse, you feel sick.
  3. 3.
    >Crawling slowly to the bathroom, you’re so damn sluggish.
  4. 4.
    >The bath helps clear your head up a little.
  5. 5.
    >You decide to skip breakfast, considering you’re certain you won’t hold anything down.
  6. 6.
    >Instead, you grab some pills from the cabinet and down them with a glass of water.
  7. 7.
    >Should’ve thought things through, but no.
  8. 8.
    >That didn’t stop you from being stupid last night.
  9. 9.
    “Idiot, should’ve just had one bottle.”
  10. 10.
    >Thankfully you have time before work to mend this mistake.
  11. 11.
    >Sitting down on the couch, you try to read.
  12. 12.
    >However, your head is still pounding.
  13. 13.
    >Normally three drinks wouldn’t do that.
  14. 14.
    >But you didn’t pace yourself.
  15. 15.
    >Letting out a sigh, you stare at the ceiling for now.
  16. 16.
    “I have to stop this, it’s getting in the way of work.”
  17. 17.
    >The thoughts however, return.
  18. 18.
    >’You can’t save everypony.’
  19. 19.
    “I know.”
  20. 20.
    >You’re talking to yourself again, and you mash your face against your hooves.
  21. 21.
    >Can’t go crazy Rest, get a grip.
  22. 22.
    >Letting out a breath you were holding in, you sit up.
  23. 23.
    >Still have some time left.
  24. 24.
    >Never bothered to unpack from yesterday, so you tend to your bags and get ready.
  25. 25.
    >You pause again looking at your fetlock.
  26. 26.
    >When you first cut, it was to help distract you from watching others suffer.
  27. 27.
    >It did help, at least for a little while.
  28. 28.
    >You knew it was wrong, but didn’t stop.
  29. 29.
    >However it started happening too much.
  30. 30.
    >So you compromised and just cut when a patient died.
  31. 31.
    >Unfortunately that lead to you cutting a little deeper.
  32. 32.
    >In time you had to hide them with your wristband.
  33. 33.
    >That didn’t hide the ugly scars though, those are permanent.
  34. 34.
    >You trace the mark, and push aside those thoughts.
  35. 35.
    >Grabbing your things, you don’t bother with the pep talk and head out.
  36. 36.
     
  37. 37.
    >Everything feels cold and stiff outside.
  38. 38.
    >’Like you.’
  39. 39.
    >Trying to ignore the thoughts, you pick up the pace to work.
  40. 40.
    >Some ponies try to wave or say hello, but you ignore them.
  41. 41.
    >The hospital quickly closes in, and you feel some small panic.
  42. 42.
    >You try to control your breathing, but it’s difficult
  43. 43.
    >Do it for them.
  44. 44.
    >Thankfully you reach your locker and take a moment.
  45. 45.
    >Your thoughts are still eating you and that needs to stop.
  46. 46.
    >Finishing up, you turn and see Betty.
  47. 47.
    >Just play it normal, she won’t suspect anything.
  48. 48.
    >As she approaches, you put on a fake face for her.
  49. 49.
    >”Hi there Rest, feeling better?”
  50. 50.
    >You’re not sure if she will fall for it, but it doesn’t matter.
  51. 51.
    >You nod and add a bit of enthusiasm to your voice.
  52. 52.
    “Yeah, went to bed early, ready to seize the day.”
  53. 53.
    >Betty smiles and starts to get ready as well.
  54. 54.
    >”That’s great to hear, but don’t forget if you need something, or wanna talk, just ask.”
  55. 55.
    >You’ll keep that in mind.
  56. 56.
    >Hopefully, everything will go well today.
  57. 57.
    “Of course, I won’t forget.”
  58. 58.
    >As she is about to continue, you interrupt her.
  59. 59.
    “I’m going to go to the meeting, see you there.”
  60. 60.
    >She raises an eyebrow and gives you an uncertain smile.
  61. 61.
    >”Okay, I’ll join you all in just a second.”
  62. 62.
    >You hurry off, to the group
  63. 63.
    >As you’re waiting, you keep thinking about yesterday.
  64. 64.
    >I just need to put my best for them, that’s all.
  65. 65.
    >’You can’t save everypony.’
  66. 66.
    >I can save them.
  67. 67.
    >’They all die eventually.’
  68. 68.
    >You shut your eyes tightly and shake your head.
  69. 69.
    >”Deep Rest? Are you okay?”
  70. 70.
    >Opening your eyes, you see the head nurse and a few others are looking at you.
  71. 71.
    “Ye-yeah, just fine. A little tired is all, I’m ready for my assignment.”
  72. 72.
    >She nods and gives you the papers.
  73. 73.
    >Pretty much same as yesterday, a few changes.
  74. 74.
    >Same patients, different rotations.
  75. 75.
    >Going through the same routine for examinations.
  76. 76.
     
  77. 77.
    >Pony complains of a problem.
  78. 78.
    >You get information, and usually get them to spill a little more.
  79. 79.
    >Take temperature if needed and repeat.
  80. 80.
    >For some, it would be called boring.
  81. 81.
    >For you, it’s your life.
  82. 82.
    >Every since you got your cutiemark, you have been helping others.
  83. 83.
    >You fondly remember mom being overjoyed at seeing you get your doctorate in medicine.
  84. 84.
    >The hours of studying and lack of sleep finally paid off.
  85. 85.
    >It makes you smile and you feel more focused again.
  86. 86.
    >With renewed vigor, you approach Sky’s room.
  87. 87.
    >Mrs. Light is sitting bed side and reading him a book.
  88. 88.
    >>”-from the E.U.P. the Wonderbolts were founded.”
  89. 89.
    >Another history lesson, not that you’re too surprised.
  90. 90.
    >Because of his condition, he is often home schooled.
  91. 91.
    >Picking up the chart, you see that he has deteriorated a little.
  92. 92.
    >His O2 levels are still low, and the antibiotics are still being used.
  93. 93.
    >He calls out to you in a scratchy voice.
  94. 94.
    >”Hi Rest.”
  95. 95.
    >Looking at him now, you can’t help but frown.
  96. 96.
    >Though he is stable, some color has drained from him.
  97. 97.
    “Hello Sky, how are you feeling?”
  98. 98.
    >”My throat hurts, and I’m tired.”
  99. 99.
    >Likely he has been coughing.
  100. 100.
    >You gently pat his mane and smile.
  101. 101.
    “I bet, you’ve been through a lot.”
  102. 102.
    >He slowly nods, and you can see his mother watching you both from the corner of your eye.
  103. 103.
    >She has a small smile of her own.
  104. 104.
    >Though you can see the corners of her mouth are threatening to turn it into a frown.
  105. 105.
    >Light tries to talk again, but starts to cough.
  106. 106.
    >The two of you reach him and try to assist him.
  107. 107.
    >”There, there, Sky.”
  108. 108.
    >Sadly, you know what will happen if this continues.
  109. 109.
    >’You can’t save them all.’
  110. 110.
    >As he finally gets it under control, you try to get him to just sit still.
  111. 111.
    “How about you let your mom read to you while I sit with you for a bit?”
  112. 112.
    >He goes to talk, but stops and nods instead.
  113. 113.
    >Mrs. Light sits back down and reopens the book continuing where she left off.
  114. 114.
     
  115. 115.
    >Though it eats into your time, it’s worth it.
  116. 116.
    >Eventually a light snore draws your attention.
  117. 117.
    >Sky has fallen asleep, and looks peaceful.
  118. 118.
    >”Thank you Nurse Rest.”
  119. 119.
    >Looking back up, you see Mrs. Light looking at the two of you.
  120. 120.
    >You give her a smile.
  121. 121.
    “My pleasure.”
  122. 122.
    >She sighs for a moment, and sets the book back in a bag next to her.
  123. 123.
    >”He has been up and down all night. It’s good to see him finally sleep. I think I will take a little nap myself.”
  124. 124.
    >You don’t blame her, she looks like she needs it, badly.
  125. 125.
    “Of course, take care Mrs. Light.”
  126. 126.
    >”You too.”
  127. 127.
    >As you leave the room, you feel tired yourself.
  128. 128.
    >Though the thoughts don’t bother you while you check on the others.
  129. 129.
    >You know they will likely return soon.
  130. 130.
    >If last night was any indication, you will pick up another pack of cider.
  131. 131.
    >Just need to limit yourself is all.
  132. 132.
    >Because you stayed a little longer with Sky, you have to head to lunch late.
  133. 133.
    >However, you finally manage to eat.
  134. 134.
    >Betty joins you and looks pretty tired herself.
  135. 135.
    “You look, how I feel.”
  136. 136.
    >She snorts, and shakes her head a little.
  137. 137.
    >”Yeah, thanks.”
  138. 138.
    >As she eats, she starts to talk with you.
  139. 139.
    >”So, feeling better from this morning?”
  140. 140.
    >Not entirely, your nerves are still frayed.
  141. 141.
    “Yeah, a little tired still, but at least I slept last night.”
  142. 142.
    >She takes a bite and continues.
  143. 143.
    >”I can see we are both running a little behind though.”
  144. 144.
    >Not surprised she is worried about not getting everything done.
  145. 145.
    “Yeah, but we have good reasons. I had to sit with the Light family a little longer than usual.”
  146. 146.
    >Betty stops, and gives a look of surprise.
  147. 147.
    >”I’m guessing that is one of the patients you’re worried about?”
  148. 148.
    >There is no point in hiding anymore.
  149. 149.
    >You decide to tell her a little, if only to alleviate her worries.
  150. 150.
    “Yeah, Sky Light, he has pneumonia. I’m certain you have had him before.”
  151. 151.
    >She nods and starts to eat again.
  152. 152.
     
  153. 153.
    >”Mhm, cute colt.” She pauses, then continues. “Rest, you should’ve told me sooner.”
  154. 154.
    >Her words sting a little.
  155. 155.
    >You deserve it though.
  156. 156.
    >She has been trying to help, but you keep pushing her away.
  157. 157.
    >Letting out a sigh, you try to continue, but she stops you.
  158. 158.
    >”Look, I get it. Really I do. I know you get attached, and to be honest, that is really good for the patients.”
  159. 159.
    >You know what she is going to say next.
  160. 160.
    “There is a but in there.”
  161. 161.
    >She closes her eyes and reopens them.
  162. 162.
    >Her face shifts a little into lecture mode.
  163. 163.
    >”You’re right, there is. You let yourself get too attached. Do you think I forgot when you first told me about it? You can’t keep doing this to yourself. It’s not healthy for you or anypony.”
  164. 164.
    >You look down and sigh.
  165. 165.
    “I know, I know, I just can’t change that part of me.”
  166. 166.
    >Feeling a hoof on your wither you look back up at her.
  167. 167.
    >”I’m not asking you change. I’m asking you to let your friends shoulder your burden.”
  168. 168.
    >For the first time today, it feels like the world got a little brighter.
  169. 169.
    “I’m sorry Betty. You’re right.”
  170. 170.
    >She smiles, and gives you a small squeeze.
  171. 171.
    >”Good to hear, I’m going to finish off my shift, let me know if you need anything. I’m serious.”
  172. 172.
    >You nod and watch her leave.
  173. 173.
    >Shortly after, you clean up and go do your rounds.
  174. 174.
    >Some more releases, some changes of equipment, and a few talks.
  175. 175.
    >You approach Carl’s room and see a gray pegasus mare leaving it.
  176. 176.
    >She gives you a smile and passes by.
  177. 177.
    >As you enter, you see Carl with a large smile on his face.
  178. 178.
    >”Hello Ms. Rest, you just missed my granddaughter.”
  179. 179.
    >You weren’t certain if that was her.
  180. 180.
    >In truth, you have only seen her once.
  181. 181.
    “Oh, we just passed in the hallway.”
  182. 182.
    >Looking over the chart as usual, he is still stable, but not leaving.
  183. 183.
     
  184. 184.
    >Slowly he nods.
  185. 185.
    >As you perform your duties, you note he is quiet this time.
  186. 186.
    >It’s starting to bother you, he usually has a story to tell.
  187. 187.
    “Is everything alright Carl?”
  188. 188.
    >You look to him and see a far off look in his eyes.
  189. 189.
    >He slowly blinks and takes a breath, then slowly releases it.
  190. 190.
    >”Everything is fine.”
  191. 191.
    >You don’t buy that.
  192. 192.
    >That’s one thing you can count on with him.
  193. 193.
    >He will talk about anything.
  194. 194.
    “You know you can tell me anything Carl. We’ve known each other for a while now, I’d like to think we’re friends.”
  195. 195.
    >He smiles, and takes a moment.
  196. 196.
    >”Yes, yes we are friends, aren’t we?” He sighs. “You know, it’s hard to talk about some things though.”
  197. 197.
    >You write down a few numbers and look back to him.
  198. 198.
    “It’s always hard to do that.”
  199. 199.
    >Carl nods, and continues.
  200. 200.
    >”That’s true, but there are some subjects you don’t talk about freely. Like death.”
  201. 201.
    >The words freeze you on the spot.
  202. 202.
    >As you’re trying to break out of it, he continues.
  203. 203.
    >”I’m old Ms. Rest, too old. I’ve seen a lot of places. Was blessed to have a loving wife and foals of my own.”
  204. 204.
    >No.
  205. 205.
    >”I’ve been in this hospital for weeks, I’m not dumb. After my wife passed, I knew I would join her eventually.”
  206. 206.
    >Finally breaking out of your shock, you try to reassure him.
  207. 207.
    “You have a lot of life left in you Carl, don’t say those things.”
  208. 208.
    >He shakes his head and gives out a little chuckle.
  209. 209.
    >”This is what I mean about certain subjects.”
  210. 210.
    >Fear feels like its starting to make itself manifest in the open.
  211. 211.
    “You will get better, you’re just a little sick is all.”
  212. 212.
    >He finally looks at you, and for once, you can see he has a serious look on his face.
  213. 213.
    >”I don’t think so. I know you don’t want to hear it, but my time is approaching. I’m not afraid though, I welcome it.”
  214. 214.
    >Before you can interrupt, he continues.
  215. 215.
     
  216. 216.
    >”I’m telling you this because we are friends. Please Ms. Rest, I don’t mind you missing me, but don’t let it bring you down.”
  217. 217.
    >How?
  218. 218.
    >How is that he knows?
  219. 219.
    “I..I...Yo-you will be fine Carl.”
  220. 220.
    >He starts to plead to you.
  221. 221.
    >”I will be, everything will be fine.”
  222. 222.
    >No words escape you.
  223. 223.
    >You just nod and finish up without saying goodbye.
  224. 224.
    >’You can’t save everypony.’
  225. 225.
    >Your heart is pounding.
  226. 226.
    >It’s hard to focus on your reports.
  227. 227.
    >You turn them in and hurry to the locker room.
  228. 228.
    >The whole time, everything feels so hollow.
  229. 229.
    >Betty sees you and tries to talk.
  230. 230.
    >Her mouth is moving, but you don’t hear words.
  231. 231.
    >Everything feels like its on autopilot.
  232. 232.
    >’They all die eventually.’
  233. 233.
    >Soon you find yourself trotting along the road.
  234. 234.
    >Your world is so gray.
  235. 235.
    >Isn’t it supposed to be bright and colorful?
  236. 236.
    >Taking a detour to the store, you know what you need.
  237. 237.
    >You enter and buy a case of hard cider.
  238. 238.
    >Slowly your approach your apartment.
  239. 239.
    >The building feels so dead.
  240. 240.
    >Closing the door behind you and dropping your things.
  241. 241.
    >You sit down on the couch with the pack of cider on the table.
  242. 242.
    >A part of you knows that Carl is right.
  243. 243.
    >It’s been said that when you are close to death at old age, you can see it coming.
  244. 244.
    >How true that is, you don’t know.
  245. 245.
    >No book ever explained how ponies can tell.
  246. 246.
    >But there are numerous reports of old ponies predicting their death.
  247. 247.
    “He can’t die.”
  248. 248.
    >Tears start to fall freely from you.
  249. 249.
    >You look down and see you already have drank two bottles.
  250. 250.
    “I don’t remember even opening one.”
  251. 251.
    >It doesn’t matter, you need to numb this.
  252. 252.
    >You don’t want to feel right now.
  253. 253.
    >Inside you’re breaking, and you want nothing more than to numb it all.
  254. 254.
    >Finishing off your third bottle, you don’t feel better.
  255. 255.
    “Another won’t hurt.”
  256. 256.
    >Even as you drink it, it feels like your just pouring it down a drain.
  257. 257.
    >Before you finish, you freeze.
  258. 258.
    >Without warning, you began to sob.
  259. 259.
    “Everything hurts.”
  260. 260.
     
  261. 261.
    >You curl up on the couch and let out a small whine.
  262. 262.
    “I don’t want to hurt again.”
  263. 263.
    >There is an answer though.
  264. 264.
    >It makes you slow your breathing.
  265. 265.
    >You get up and head to the bathroom.
  266. 266.
    >Staring back at you is a haggard mare.
  267. 267.
    >Her mane is a disaster and her eyes are bloodshot.
  268. 268.
    >Ignoring it, you open the cabinet.
  269. 269.
    >Inside, a small selection of blades awaits.
  270. 270.
    >Still new, never opened.
  271. 271.
    >Letting out a hiccup, you grab one.
  272. 272.
    “Just one, just one is all I need to do.”
  273. 273.
    >You lean over the sink and pull off your wristband.
  274. 274.
    >Looking down at your fetlock, you can almost see the veins.
  275. 275.
    >Your knowledge giving you so much detail.
  276. 276.
    >Leaning down, you’re about to cut
  277. 277.
    >Bringing the blade to your skin, you gently press and pull back a little.
  278. 278.
    >You’re just sitting there, breathing heavy through clenched teeth.
  279. 279.
    “Come on, do it, do it.”
  280. 280.
    >You’re start to shake and your vision starts to blur.
  281. 281.
    >Letting go, you drop the blade into the sink and fall back on your flank.
  282. 282.
    >Instead, you cry.
  283. 283.
    “I can’t do this. I’m a coward.”
  284. 284.
    >You wrap your legs around yourself, and slowly rock.
  285. 285.
    >This isn’t right, this isn’t you.
  286. 286.
    >After what feels like hours you finally calm down.
  287. 287.
    >Slowly you regain your strength and get up.
  288. 288.
    >Everything hurts, your heart especially.
  289. 289.
    >You put away the blade and shamble your way to your bed.
  290. 290.
    >Tomorrow will be better, you’re certain of it.
  291. 291.
    >You’re exhausted and collapse into the bed.
  292. 292.
    >The world fades away and sleep takes you in its hold at last.

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