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/emo/ Deep suffering, chp 3

By NHanon
Created: 23rd October 2020 03:41:40 PM

  1. >As the alarm goes off, you slam your hoof into it, nearly breaking it.
  2. >Your head is pounding and worse, you feel sick.
  3. >Crawling slowly to the bathroom, you’re so damn sluggish.
  4. >The bath helps clear your head up a little.
  5. >You decide to skip breakfast, considering you’re certain you won’t hold anything down.
  6. >Instead, you grab some pills from the cabinet and down them with a glass of water.
  7. >Should’ve thought things through, but no.
  8. >That didn’t stop you from being stupid last night.
  9. “Idiot, should’ve just had one bottle.”
  10. >Thankfully you have time before work to mend this mistake.
  11. >Sitting down on the couch, you try to read.
  12. >However, your head is still pounding.
  13. >Normally three drinks wouldn’t do that.
  14. >But you didn’t pace yourself.
  15. >Letting out a sigh, you stare at the ceiling for now.
  16. “I have to stop this, it’s getting in the way of work.”
  17. >The thoughts however, return.
  18. >’You can’t save everypony.’
  19. “I know.”
  20. >You’re talking to yourself again, and you mash your face against your hooves.
  21. >Can’t go crazy Rest, get a grip.
  22. >Letting out a breath you were holding in, you sit up.
  23. >Still have some time left.
  24. >Never bothered to unpack from yesterday, so you tend to your bags and get ready.
  25. >You pause again looking at your fetlock.
  26. >When you first cut, it was to help distract you from watching others suffer.
  27. >It did help, at least for a little while.
  28. >You knew it was wrong, but didn’t stop.
  29. >However it started happening too much.
  30. >So you compromised and just cut when a patient died.
  31. >Unfortunately that lead to you cutting a little deeper.
  32. >In time you had to hide them with your wristband.
  33. >That didn’t hide the ugly scars though, those are permanent.
  34. >You trace the mark, and push aside those thoughts.
  35. >Grabbing your things, you don’t bother with the pep talk and head out.
  36.  
  37. >Everything feels cold and stiff outside.
  38. >’Like you.’
  39. >Trying to ignore the thoughts, you pick up the pace to work.
  40. >Some ponies try to wave or say hello, but you ignore them.
  41. >The hospital quickly closes in, and you feel some small panic.
  42. >You try to control your breathing, but it’s difficult
  43. >Do it for them.
  44. >Thankfully you reach your locker and take a moment.
  45. >Your thoughts are still eating you and that needs to stop.
  46. >Finishing up, you turn and see Betty.
  47. >Just play it normal, she won’t suspect anything.
  48. >As she approaches, you put on a fake face for her.
  49. >”Hi there Rest, feeling better?”
  50. >You’re not sure if she will fall for it, but it doesn’t matter.
  51. >You nod and add a bit of enthusiasm to your voice.
  52. “Yeah, went to bed early, ready to seize the day.”
  53. >Betty smiles and starts to get ready as well.
  54. >”That’s great to hear, but don’t forget if you need something, or wanna talk, just ask.”
  55. >You’ll keep that in mind.
  56. >Hopefully, everything will go well today.
  57. “Of course, I won’t forget.”
  58. >As she is about to continue, you interrupt her.
  59. “I’m going to go to the meeting, see you there.”
  60. >She raises an eyebrow and gives you an uncertain smile.
  61. >”Okay, I’ll join you all in just a second.”
  62. >You hurry off, to the group
  63. >As you’re waiting, you keep thinking about yesterday.
  64. >I just need to put my best for them, that’s all.
  65. >’You can’t save everypony.’
  66. >I can save them.
  67. >’They all die eventually.’
  68. >You shut your eyes tightly and shake your head.
  69. >”Deep Rest? Are you okay?”
  70. >Opening your eyes, you see the head nurse and a few others are looking at you.
  71. “Ye-yeah, just fine. A little tired is all, I’m ready for my assignment.”
  72. >She nods and gives you the papers.
  73. >Pretty much same as yesterday, a few changes.
  74. >Same patients, different rotations.
  75. >Going through the same routine for examinations.
  76.  
  77. >Pony complains of a problem.
  78. >You get information, and usually get them to spill a little more.
  79. >Take temperature if needed and repeat.
  80. >For some, it would be called boring.
  81. >For you, it’s your life.
  82. >Every since you got your cutiemark, you have been helping others.
  83. >You fondly remember mom being overjoyed at seeing you get your doctorate in medicine.
  84. >The hours of studying and lack of sleep finally paid off.
  85. >It makes you smile and you feel more focused again.
  86. >With renewed vigor, you approach Sky’s room.
  87. >Mrs. Light is sitting bed side and reading him a book.
  88. >>”-from the E.U.P. the Wonderbolts were founded.”
  89. >Another history lesson, not that you’re too surprised.
  90. >Because of his condition, he is often home schooled.
  91. >Picking up the chart, you see that he has deteriorated a little.
  92. >His O2 levels are still low, and the antibiotics are still being used.
  93. >He calls out to you in a scratchy voice.
  94. >”Hi Rest.”
  95. >Looking at him now, you can’t help but frown.
  96. >Though he is stable, some color has drained from him.
  97. “Hello Sky, how are you feeling?”
  98. >”My throat hurts, and I’m tired.”
  99. >Likely he has been coughing.
  100. >You gently pat his mane and smile.
  101. “I bet, you’ve been through a lot.”
  102. >He slowly nods, and you can see his mother watching you both from the corner of your eye.
  103. >She has a small smile of her own.
  104. >Though you can see the corners of her mouth are threatening to turn it into a frown.
  105. >Light tries to talk again, but starts to cough.
  106. >The two of you reach him and try to assist him.
  107. >”There, there, Sky.”
  108. >Sadly, you know what will happen if this continues.
  109. >’You can’t save them all.’
  110. >As he finally gets it under control, you try to get him to just sit still.
  111. “How about you let your mom read to you while I sit with you for a bit?”
  112. >He goes to talk, but stops and nods instead.
  113. >Mrs. Light sits back down and reopens the book continuing where she left off.
  114.  
  115. >Though it eats into your time, it’s worth it.
  116. >Eventually a light snore draws your attention.
  117. >Sky has fallen asleep, and looks peaceful.
  118. >”Thank you Nurse Rest.”
  119. >Looking back up, you see Mrs. Light looking at the two of you.
  120. >You give her a smile.
  121. “My pleasure.”
  122. >She sighs for a moment, and sets the book back in a bag next to her.
  123. >”He has been up and down all night. It’s good to see him finally sleep. I think I will take a little nap myself.”
  124. >You don’t blame her, she looks like she needs it, badly.
  125. “Of course, take care Mrs. Light.”
  126. >”You too.”
  127. >As you leave the room, you feel tired yourself.
  128. >Though the thoughts don’t bother you while you check on the others.
  129. >You know they will likely return soon.
  130. >If last night was any indication, you will pick up another pack of cider.
  131. >Just need to limit yourself is all.
  132. >Because you stayed a little longer with Sky, you have to head to lunch late.
  133. >However, you finally manage to eat.
  134. >Betty joins you and looks pretty tired herself.
  135. “You look, how I feel.”
  136. >She snorts, and shakes her head a little.
  137. >”Yeah, thanks.”
  138. >As she eats, she starts to talk with you.
  139. >”So, feeling better from this morning?”
  140. >Not entirely, your nerves are still frayed.
  141. “Yeah, a little tired still, but at least I slept last night.”
  142. >She takes a bite and continues.
  143. >”I can see we are both running a little behind though.”
  144. >Not surprised she is worried about not getting everything done.
  145. “Yeah, but we have good reasons. I had to sit with the Light family a little longer than usual.”
  146. >Betty stops, and gives a look of surprise.
  147. >”I’m guessing that is one of the patients you’re worried about?”
  148. >There is no point in hiding anymore.
  149. >You decide to tell her a little, if only to alleviate her worries.
  150. “Yeah, Sky Light, he has pneumonia. I’m certain you have had him before.”
  151. >She nods and starts to eat again.
  152.  
  153. >”Mhm, cute colt.” She pauses, then continues. “Rest, you should’ve told me sooner.”
  154. >Her words sting a little.
  155. >You deserve it though.
  156. >She has been trying to help, but you keep pushing her away.
  157. >Letting out a sigh, you try to continue, but she stops you.
  158. >”Look, I get it. Really I do. I know you get attached, and to be honest, that is really good for the patients.”
  159. >You know what she is going to say next.
  160. “There is a but in there.”
  161. >She closes her eyes and reopens them.
  162. >Her face shifts a little into lecture mode.
  163. >”You’re right, there is. You let yourself get too attached. Do you think I forgot when you first told me about it? You can’t keep doing this to yourself. It’s not healthy for you or anypony.”
  164. >You look down and sigh.
  165. “I know, I know, I just can’t change that part of me.”
  166. >Feeling a hoof on your wither you look back up at her.
  167. >”I’m not asking you change. I’m asking you to let your friends shoulder your burden.”
  168. >For the first time today, it feels like the world got a little brighter.
  169. “I’m sorry Betty. You’re right.”
  170. >She smiles, and gives you a small squeeze.
  171. >”Good to hear, I’m going to finish off my shift, let me know if you need anything. I’m serious.”
  172. >You nod and watch her leave.
  173. >Shortly after, you clean up and go do your rounds.
  174. >Some more releases, some changes of equipment, and a few talks.
  175. >You approach Carl’s room and see a gray pegasus mare leaving it.
  176. >She gives you a smile and passes by.
  177. >As you enter, you see Carl with a large smile on his face.
  178. >”Hello Ms. Rest, you just missed my granddaughter.”
  179. >You weren’t certain if that was her.
  180. >In truth, you have only seen her once.
  181. “Oh, we just passed in the hallway.”
  182. >Looking over the chart as usual, he is still stable, but not leaving.
  183.  
  184. >Slowly he nods.
  185. >As you perform your duties, you note he is quiet this time.
  186. >It’s starting to bother you, he usually has a story to tell.
  187. “Is everything alright Carl?”
  188. >You look to him and see a far off look in his eyes.
  189. >He slowly blinks and takes a breath, then slowly releases it.
  190. >”Everything is fine.”
  191. >You don’t buy that.
  192. >That’s one thing you can count on with him.
  193. >He will talk about anything.
  194. “You know you can tell me anything Carl. We’ve known each other for a while now, I’d like to think we’re friends.”
  195. >He smiles, and takes a moment.
  196. >”Yes, yes we are friends, aren’t we?” He sighs. “You know, it’s hard to talk about some things though.”
  197. >You write down a few numbers and look back to him.
  198. “It’s always hard to do that.”
  199. >Carl nods, and continues.
  200. >”That’s true, but there are some subjects you don’t talk about freely. Like death.”
  201. >The words freeze you on the spot.
  202. >As you’re trying to break out of it, he continues.
  203. >”I’m old Ms. Rest, too old. I’ve seen a lot of places. Was blessed to have a loving wife and foals of my own.”
  204. >No.
  205. >”I’ve been in this hospital for weeks, I’m not dumb. After my wife passed, I knew I would join her eventually.”
  206. >Finally breaking out of your shock, you try to reassure him.
  207. “You have a lot of life left in you Carl, don’t say those things.”
  208. >He shakes his head and gives out a little chuckle.
  209. >”This is what I mean about certain subjects.”
  210. >Fear feels like its starting to make itself manifest in the open.
  211. “You will get better, you’re just a little sick is all.”
  212. >He finally looks at you, and for once, you can see he has a serious look on his face.
  213. >”I don’t think so. I know you don’t want to hear it, but my time is approaching. I’m not afraid though, I welcome it.”
  214. >Before you can interrupt, he continues.
  215.  
  216. >”I’m telling you this because we are friends. Please Ms. Rest, I don’t mind you missing me, but don’t let it bring you down.”
  217. >How?
  218. >How is that he knows?
  219. “I..I...Yo-you will be fine Carl.”
  220. >He starts to plead to you.
  221. >”I will be, everything will be fine.”
  222. >No words escape you.
  223. >You just nod and finish up without saying goodbye.
  224. >’You can’t save everypony.’
  225. >Your heart is pounding.
  226. >It’s hard to focus on your reports.
  227. >You turn them in and hurry to the locker room.
  228. >The whole time, everything feels so hollow.
  229. >Betty sees you and tries to talk.
  230. >Her mouth is moving, but you don’t hear words.
  231. >Everything feels like its on autopilot.
  232. >’They all die eventually.’
  233. >Soon you find yourself trotting along the road.
  234. >Your world is so gray.
  235. >Isn’t it supposed to be bright and colorful?
  236. >Taking a detour to the store, you know what you need.
  237. >You enter and buy a case of hard cider.
  238. >Slowly your approach your apartment.
  239. >The building feels so dead.
  240. >Closing the door behind you and dropping your things.
  241. >You sit down on the couch with the pack of cider on the table.
  242. >A part of you knows that Carl is right.
  243. >It’s been said that when you are close to death at old age, you can see it coming.
  244. >How true that is, you don’t know.
  245. >No book ever explained how ponies can tell.
  246. >But there are numerous reports of old ponies predicting their death.
  247. “He can’t die.”
  248. >Tears start to fall freely from you.
  249. >You look down and see you already have drank two bottles.
  250. “I don’t remember even opening one.”
  251. >It doesn’t matter, you need to numb this.
  252. >You don’t want to feel right now.
  253. >Inside you’re breaking, and you want nothing more than to numb it all.
  254. >Finishing off your third bottle, you don’t feel better.
  255. “Another won’t hurt.”
  256. >Even as you drink it, it feels like your just pouring it down a drain.
  257. >Before you finish, you freeze.
  258. >Without warning, you began to sob.
  259. “Everything hurts.”
  260.  
  261. >You curl up on the couch and let out a small whine.
  262. “I don’t want to hurt again.”
  263. >There is an answer though.
  264. >It makes you slow your breathing.
  265. >You get up and head to the bathroom.
  266. >Staring back at you is a haggard mare.
  267. >Her mane is a disaster and her eyes are bloodshot.
  268. >Ignoring it, you open the cabinet.
  269. >Inside, a small selection of blades awaits.
  270. >Still new, never opened.
  271. >Letting out a hiccup, you grab one.
  272. “Just one, just one is all I need to do.”
  273. >You lean over the sink and pull off your wristband.
  274. >Looking down at your fetlock, you can almost see the veins.
  275. >Your knowledge giving you so much detail.
  276. >Leaning down, you’re about to cut
  277. >Bringing the blade to your skin, you gently press and pull back a little.
  278. >You’re just sitting there, breathing heavy through clenched teeth.
  279. “Come on, do it, do it.”
  280. >You’re start to shake and your vision starts to blur.
  281. >Letting go, you drop the blade into the sink and fall back on your flank.
  282. >Instead, you cry.
  283. “I can’t do this. I’m a coward.”
  284. >You wrap your legs around yourself, and slowly rock.
  285. >This isn’t right, this isn’t you.
  286. >After what feels like hours you finally calm down.
  287. >Slowly you regain your strength and get up.
  288. >Everything hurts, your heart especially.
  289. >You put away the blade and shamble your way to your bed.
  290. >Tomorrow will be better, you’re certain of it.
  291. >You’re exhausted and collapse into the bed.
  292. >The world fades away and sleep takes you in its hold at last.
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