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/emo/ Deep suffering, chp 4

By NHanon
Created: 23rd October 2020 03:42:15 PM

  1. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP ‘click’
  2. >You roll over and stare at the ceiling.
  3. >Slowly you blink and climb out of bed.
  4. >Everything feels numb.
  5. >You start a bath and you stare off for awhile.
  6. >Mind feels so blank.
  7. >Stepping in, the cold doesn’t phase you.
  8. >You let yourself soak for a little while before stopping.
  9. >As you finish up, you pause at the mirror.
  10. >You look tired, and gray.
  11. >Shaking your head, you go sit down on the couch.
  12. >Won’t eat breakfast today, wasn’t what you drank.
  13. >You feel hollow.
  14. >Letting out a sigh, you put together your stuff for work.
  15. >A stray tear falls from your eye and you sniffle.
  16. “It will all be okay.”
  17. >You wipe it away and take a deep breath, slowly releasing it.
  18. >Once more you repeat the words ingrained into you.
  19. “It will all be okay Rest, you can do it. Do it for them.”
  20. >Looking down at your fetlock, reminding of you of the past.
  21. >You slowly trace the marks and put on your wristband.
  22. >Before you saddle up, you take a few painkillers.
  23. >Have to try to push away the pain in your head.
  24. >Maybe you should get one for your heart as well.
  25. >You can’t, that would likely jeopardize your job.
  26. >They would all think you’re crazy, no they wouldn’t.
  27. >Can’t keep letting these thoughts get in.
  28. >You close your eyes, reopen them, take a breath and step outside to the morning.
  29. >You have to make the attempt to be friendly this morning.
  30. >So you wave and greet everypony you see.
  31. >Even if you’re hurting on the inside, you can’t show it outside.
  32. >As you approach the hospital, you no longer feel welcome like you usually do.
  33. >Instead, you feel dread.
  34. >You slow your trot, and try to get your head back together.
  35. “Come on Rest, remember, things will be fine.”
  36. >’They all die eventually.’
  37. >Of course that comes back, why wouldn’t it?
  38.  
  39. >You must hold on, you won’t fail.
  40. >Trotting to the locker room, you smile at the many ponies you see.
  41. >Funny how so many of them look alike now.
  42. >Just as your finishing putting on your uniform Betty comes in.
  43. >You turn to her with a smile, but you see something in her eyes.
  44. >”Good morning Rest.”
  45. “Good morning Betty.”
  46. >As you’re about to say something, she stops you.
  47. >”Before you start, I can see something is wrong.”
  48. >Is she fucking psychic?
  49. >”You have the same look you have when you drink.”
  50. >Oh, of course.
  51. >The one thing you can’t hide.
  52. “Yeah, I drank a little last night.”
  53. >Her eyes never leave you.
  54. >They just bore into you at this point.
  55. >”Look, I don’t know what happened yesterday, but when we saw each other in the locker room. You were zoned out.”
  56. >Oh shit, you forgot about that.
  57. >”You didn’t say anything, you just stood there like a zombie.”
  58. “Betty, list-”
  59. >”No, we are going to talk about this later. You clearly need somepony to talk to, so during lunch or after work, I don’t care which. We are going to talk.”
  60. >A part of you wants to rage against her.
  61. >But you won’t, no.
  62. >You take a breath, close your eyes, and nod slowly.
  63. >As you reopen them, you see her face soften.
  64. >”You’re scaring me. I just want to help you, I don’t want to see you suffer.”
  65. >Your eyes moisten a little.
  66. >Perhaps you held back too much.
  67. >Mustering your strength, you barely manage to talk in a small voice.
  68. “I know.”
  69. >She quickly hugs you, catching you off guard.
  70. >”Even if I have to buck down your door, I will be there to help you.”
  71. >You cry quietly, and eventually she pulls away.
  72. “Okay, I promise we will talk.”
  73. >Betty smiles and heads off the group.
  74. >You clean up to join them shortly after.
  75. >As you receive your list, you note its the same.
  76.  
  77. >Every task feels the exact same at this point.
  78. >You enter the examination room and begin your duties.
  79. >Each pony’s face is starting to look the same.
  80. >Their voices seemingly have melded.
  81. >”I think I’m sick.”
  82. >Of course they are, why else would they be here?
  83. >Dropping another bit of paperwork, you start your rounds.
  84. >Each patient so far is healing nicely.
  85. >Slowly you feel some life returning to you.
  86. >Even if it’s just a sliver.
  87. >You’re really trying to hold on for them.
  88. >But everything feels so hopeless.
  89. >You snap out of it when you reach Light’s room.
  90. >He is fast asleep, but the tube is gone.
  91. “What?”
  92. >Mrs. Light turns to you with a confused look.
  93. >”I’m sorry?”
  94. >You shake your head and put on a smile for her.
  95. “Was thinking out loud, sorry.”
  96. >She nods and you pick up the chart.
  97. >His condition improved, which means the treatment is working.
  98. >A weight is lifted from your shoulders.
  99. >You feel so much better.
  100. >”Are you alright?”
  101. >You look back to Mrs. Light who is looking at you with concern, and realize you’re crying.
  102. >Sniffling, you take a nearby tissue and blow your nose.
  103. >She can’t know, no.
  104. “Sorry, allergies.”
  105. >”Oh, yeah it is spring time. My husband is the same way.”
  106. >She laughs a little, a smile forming on her face.
  107. >As you wipe your eyes, you continue on with your duties.
  108. >”Do you mind if we talk?”
  109. >You both rarely talk when he is here.
  110. “Of course, that’s apart of my duties. I talk with patients and family alike. So go right ahead, I’m listening.”
  111. >Mrs. Light nods and sits up a little straighter.
  112. >”When we first found out I was pregnant, it felt like the greatest gift was given to us. We had been trying for a while, and to see it finally pay off, was a blessing.”
  113. >Her eyes twinkle, and her face seems to lose some of the baggage it was carrying.
  114.  
  115. >However, that ends quickly.
  116. >Mrs. Light’s face loses some color, and she frowns once more.
  117. >”You already know how that ended though. But that doesn’t mean we’re not happy. I know many parents love spending time with their foals.” Her eyes dart to Sky. “With Sky though, every second is precious.”
  118. >Taking down a few more readings, you look back to her.
  119. >You can’t imagine what it’s like to go through this.
  120. >Can’t compare your suffering to hers or his.
  121. >And that, gives you some peace from your thoughts.
  122. “Mrs. Light.”
  123. >She gives you her full attention.
  124. “I’m certain he is happy. He is surrounded by loving parents, and friends as well. I know I consider him a friend. I’m certain many of the staff here do as well.”
  125. >For a moment, she is quiet.
  126. >Her eyes dead set on Sky.
  127. >”I think so as well.”
  128. >You have to go though.
  129. “Tell him I stopped by when he wakes up, take care Mrs. Light.”
  130. >”And to you as well.”
  131. >Trotting through, things fall back into place.
  132. >More and more patients being released.
  133. >You hate to see them go, but at least they are healthy now.
  134. >Your rounds finish up quickly and you end up in the cafeteria.
  135. >Instead of grabbing a meal, you grab a snack and a drink.
  136. >If only to hold you over.
  137. >Besides, you know Betty will be here any second to talk with you.
  138. >On cue she joins you at the table.
  139. >It’s best to get this over with, like ripping off a band aid.
  140. “So you wanted to talk, lets talk.”
  141. >She freezes up a second, then nods awaiting you to unload.
  142. >You don’t want to do this, but you must.
  143. “You’re right, I have been worrying about my patients too much. Specifically two, Sky Light and Cart Wheel. I already told you about Sky, but Carl, he has been here a while. Certain you visited him while on duty.”
  144.  
  145. >”I have, didn’t know you called him Carl though. Go on.”
  146. >She keeps eating, but is listening.
  147. “He hasn’t improved, nor has his condition fallen. However, yesterday, he told me he was going to die soon.”
  148. >Betty raises her eyebrows a little in shock.
  149. “He asked me to not let it bring me down, but of course, it is. I kept trying to reassure him that he was going to be better, but he was certain of it.”
  150. >You sigh, and take a moment.
  151. “I know you’ve heard how the elderly can tell when they are about to pass. When he said it, I felt myself break a little. The two of them are both sick, and I keep thinking. I can’t save them.”
  152. >She finishes eating, reaches your hooves and holds them.
  153. >”Rest, I know it’s hard to hear, but you can never forget this. Everypony passes eventually.”
  154. >Her words feel like a blade twisting in your gut.
  155. >”That doesn’t mean you can’t miss them. It’s painful, it always is. But you cannot let their passing pull you apart. It won’t help you or them. They wouldn’t want this, I’m sure of it.”
  156. >It hurts that you have to share this with another.
  157. >You never wanted to inflict it on your friends.
  158. >Words don’t leave you, instead you nod.
  159. >She holds on a little longer before letting go.
  160. >”Alright, how about we talk more later after work?”
  161. >Your throat feels tight and you barely manage an answer.
  162. “Yeah, sure.”
  163. >Betty leaves you, and you’re alone for a moment.
  164. >Would this really help?
  165. >Shaking your head, you head off to finish your day.
  166. >More writing vitals, some replacements, and a few talks later.
  167. >You arrive to see Carl sleeping.
  168. >Picking up the chart, no changes, good.
  169. >Vitals are stable, so you write them down.
  170. >Nothing needs to be replaced.
  171. >Finally, you go to leave.
  172. >As you’re just about leave into the hallway.
  173. >A sharp gasp stops you cold.
  174.  
  175. >You shoot around and see Carl wide eyed and gasping for air.
  176. >No.
  177. >Pure terror fills you.
  178. >NO!
  179. >The monitor begins to flash and blares a warning.
  180. >Your training kicks in and overrides your fear.
  181. >Rushing to his side, you begin to try to help him.
  182. >He begins to thrash about violently.
  183. >However, just as soon as he starts, he seizes up and stops moving.
  184. >His wide eyed stare still locked into the ceiling.
  185. >Immediately you begin to perform CPR.
  186. 1...2...3
  187. >Nothing, you start again.
  188. 1...2...3
  189. >Still nothing.
  190. “Come on Carl, don’t die on me!”
  191. >As you’re about to start again, other staff join you with a crash cart.
  192. >Quickly you work as a team.
  193. >The defibrillator is brought in, with you putting the pads on his chest.
  194. >Looking to the doctor, he calls out.
  195. >”Clear!”
  196. >Carl’s body jolts, and for a second a beep comes from the monitor.
  197. >It ends as soon as it starts.
  198. >No, please, no…
  199. >The doctor calls out again.
  200. >”Clear!”
  201. >and again, the same result.
  202. >No…
  203. >”Clear!”
  204. >Nothing.
  205. >”Alright get me a shot of epinephrine.”
  206. >Another nurse hoofs one over to him.
  207. >He plunges the needle into Carl’s chest and pushes the plunger.
  208. >For a moment, the heart restarts.
  209. >It feels like an eternity.
  210. >But only lasts in that one moment.
  211. >Everypony in the room goes quiet, the only sound is the flat line from the monitor.
  212. >As the doctor asks for time of death, you feel nothing.
  213. >That’s not true, you do feel one thing.
  214. >Pain.
  215. >Your heart is breaking and is in pain.
  216. >One of the other nurses is talking to you, just nod along.
  217. >You’ve entered autopilot.
  218. >Nothing matters.
  219. >Slowly, you drag yourself from Carl’s room.
  220. >Everything seems to fly by now.
  221. >Paperwork feels like a blur, but you do it somehow.
  222. >You find yourself in the locker room grabbing your things.
  223. >Everything hurts so much.
  224. >Who cares?
  225. >You don’t.
  226. >You failed as a nurse.
  227. >Pausing for a moment, you know what you can do to relieve it all.
  228.  
  229. >Leaving the hospital, you have one destination in mind.
  230. >Your legs carry you all the way to the store.
  231. >The only difference this time.
  232. >You buy two packs instead of one.
  233. >Just drown away the pain Rest.
  234. >Your vision tunnels in on the road.
  235. >The muted colors are so interesting now.
  236. >As you approach your apartment you feel a small bit of relief.
  237. >You grab the mail and go inside.
  238. >Dropping your bags by the door, you head to the bathroom.
  239. >Not that you really need to use it, you’re just taking a moment to gather yourself.
  240. >You know what you must do later.
  241. >The reflection in the mirror shows a broken mare.
  242. >Each time a patient dies, you end up like this for a while.
  243. >Letting out a sigh, you head back to the living room
  244. >You head back to the kitchen and bring out the last two ciders to the living room.
  245. >As you sit down, you feel so hopeless.
  246. >Two ciders go down easy.
  247. >But you don’t feel any better, not yet.
  248. >You sigh and a few tears escape.
  249. “Drink away the pain.”
  250. >Grabbing another, you continue to drink
  251. “I did everything right, didn’t I?”
  252. >’They all die eventually.’
  253. >Your anger starts to rise.
  254. “And Celestia raises the sun, what’s fucking new?”
  255. >Finishing off a bottle, you grab another.
  256. “I could’ve been a doctor, but no, I chose to be a nurse.”
  257. >Another bottle down.
  258. “You can bond the with patients so much easier as a nurse.”
  259. >Pausing, you let out a small burp.
  260. “Plus you get better hours for your social life, right?”
  261. >What social life?
  262. >Fury fills you and you throw a bottle against the wall, shattering it.
  263. >A pounding from your neighbor draws your ire.
  264. >”Keep it down in there, or I’ll have to call the guards.”
  265. “FUCK YOU!”
  266. >Downing another bottle, you feel better, you think.
  267. “So what if I wasted my life studying and practicing medicine?”
  268. >It’s getting harder to keep the room from swaying.
  269. “None of it matters...”
  270. >More tears escape, and a sob joins them.
  271.  
  272. “I don’t matter, do I?”
  273. >You lean back and drink another.
  274. >Letting out another sob, you curl up on the couch.
  275. “Why can’t I just be normal?”
  276. >Another choked sob escapes.
  277. “Why?”
  278. >Only one answer remains.
  279. >You need to bleed away the numbness, the pain, the loss.
  280. >Part of you is screaming no, but it’s too quiet to hear now.
  281. >As you try to reach for another bottle, you see that there are 7? 8?
  282. >You’re not certain how many bottles left.
  283. “I think I’ve drank enough.”
  284. >Words are slurred now, no point in laying on the couch.
  285. >You get up and make your way to the bathroom.
  286. >Opening up the cabinet, you set aside a blade on the sink
  287. >Looking down, you pull off your wristband and pick up the steel
  288. >You bring your leg over the sink and tightly grip the blade.
  289. “Just one, right?”
  290. >With ease, you cut into your flesh.
  291. >Pain is rewarded from your actions.
  292. >You were always fascinated by blood.
  293. >It slowly mats your fur and drops off into the sink.
  294. “Another won’t hurt.”
  295. >More pain joins your senses.
  296. >It’s getting harder to stand.
  297. “Last one for my failures.”
  298. >With the last cut, you stumble back and land in the tub.
  299. >You feel so tired now.
  300. “I can’t sleep in the tub, it’s for bathing, not sleeping.”
  301. >You try to get up, but slip.
  302. “Damn it, give me a second, I’ll-”
  303. >Slipping again, you lay back.
  304. “I’ll clean this up in the morning, too tired.”
  305. >Your eyes close and the world fades to black.
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