GREEN
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- >Laying in bed, you feel...Awful.
- >The memories of your freak out still linger.
- >’Told you it would happen.’
- “...I know...”
- >You don’t feel like eating, you even don’t feel like leaving the bed.
- >’Just like home now, the only thing missing is you being alone. Not far behind though.’
- >Slowly you blink, no point in trying to fight these thoughts again.
- >The feeling of numbness has started to settle in.
- >Letting out a slow sigh, you know what you must do.
- >It’s the only way to get through the day after all.
- >Might even be able to play off yesterday like it was a fluke.
- >’Doubtful.’
- >Rolling over, you open your suitcase and pull out another hoodie.
- >Of course that’s not all, you grab your razor and some bandages as well.
- “Just get this over with, that’s all I need to do...”
- >Opening the door slowly, you peak your head out and listen.
- >You can hear Connie and Rest talking, good.
- >Quickly you enter the bathroom and start the tub.
- >You pull off your old bandage and pick up the blade once more in your teeth.
- >A small voice inside you begs not to do this.
- >Through clenched teeth you whisper out your answer.
- “There is no other way, I’d rather feel pain than feel nothing at all.”
- >You lift your leg up and make a cut.
- >Pain rewards your efforts, but you know this isn’t enough.
- >As your pulse races, you cut again.
- >More pain replaces the numbness.
- >You watch as blood mats with your coat and starts to drip off onto the floor.
- >Setting down the razor, you clean up the mess and climb into the tub.
- >The water stings, but that doesn’t matter anymore, at least you feel again.
- “Better than nothing.”
- >For a time you sit there and just soak.
- >Slowly, you breath out through your nose.
- “Guess I should actually clean up...”
- >Feels like time is dragging on for you, even though you finish up rather quickly.
- >You bandage up your leg and put on the hoodie before stopping at the door.
- “...I just need...I’ll go pretend...For them.”
- >You put the stuff away and head into the living room.
- >Upon arrival, you see Connie looking through music sheets again and Rest reading.
- >As you stand there, you wonder if they would even be friends if it wasn’t for you.
- >Probably not, considering they live in different places.
- >While that is a comforting thought, it doesn’t completely dispel your dour mood.
- >Time to suck it up and put on a fake face.
- >You go join Rest on the couch and wear a small smile.
- >She pulls away from her book and looks a little concerned.
- >”There you are, I was going to go check on you, but I heard the tub turn on. How are you feeling?”
- >Honestly, like complete shit.
- >Can’t tell her that though.
- “Much better, sleeping in helped and so did the bath.”
- >However, it’s clear she doesn’t buy it.
- >”Please tell us the truth, you stopped talking yesterday and went to bed early.”
- >No, the truth will just hold put everything on hold.
- >Well then, what do you even say then?
- >Think of something to say, ANYTHING for fucks sake.
- >Fuck it...
- >Letting out a sigh, you drop the fake smile.
- “...Alright, I did feel bad about yesterday. I only went to bed because I felt drained.”
- >You notice Connie staring at you both, not saying a word.
- >”It’s okay Eri, just try to be more open with us.”
- >>”We do worry about you.”
- >You should really open up to them more, instead of bottling it up.
- >’And what? Waste their time? It’s not going to help you.’
- >I could try.
- >’You’ve tried that before, and where did it get you? Nowhere, that’s where.’
- >It wasn’t my friends, it was a therapist.
- >’The only different between the two is one will coddle you and the other will drug you.’
- >That’s not true!
- >’Deep down you know it is. Stop fighting it Eri.’
- >As you argue with yourself, you see them both talking, but aren’t listening.
- >Shit, pay attention.
- >>”-could go out shopping, no wait. That’s probably a bad idea.”
- >”Yeah, we should just stay in instead. Maybe take the day off.”
- >Look at what you’ve done, they’re about to give up their day for you.
- >You won’t have that.
- “I-I’d like to go out shopping. Might find something interesting.”
- >They both look surprised.
- >”I’m not sure, after yesterday, I’d rather you not over stress yourself.”
- >>”She’s right, we can just hang out here.”
- >Are they pitying you?
- >You feel your anger start to rise and you speak your mind.
- “This trip is supposed to help me be more outgoing, so what’s the point if I stay indoors every time I have a moment of weakness? I can’t stay inside forever.”
- >Now as you look at them, they look...Shocked.
- >They don’t say anything at first, probably working out what just happened in their minds.
- >”You’re right about that, but you’re pushing yourself quite hard.”
- >You feel your eye twitch.
- “So? If it means I’m finally out and about, what does it matter? I’m actually doing shit, with my friends.”
- >Rest goes silent and Connie speaks up.
- >>”Okay then, we can go shopping. There is many stores we can visit, but about how we narrow it down a little?”
- “Anywhere is fine, just as long as it gets me outside.”
- >Connie nods and heads off to her bedroom, leaving you alone with Rest.
- >After awhile, Rest starts to talk again.
- >”Eri...Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m thrilled to see you wanting to go outside your comfort zone, but you don’t need to do this for us.”
- >Is she really that worried about it?
- >...
- >Poor question, of course she is, you give her plenty of reason to worry about your stupid antics.
- >You shake your head and give her a smile.
- “It’s fine, I won’t know my limits till I try, so this is the best be for me. Especially if this helps me live a normal life.”
- >It feels good to get this out, even if it’s just the tip of the iceberg.
- >Rest gives a small smile and gently rubs your back.
- >”Yeah...Yeah you’re right. It’s fantastic to hear you say that.”
- >You nod, and sit there for a bit looking down at your hooves.
- >Is this all it really takes?
- >’You should know better, especially if yesterday was any indication.’
- >That may be, but I can get better.
- >’Don’t hold your breath.’
- >Looking back up, you see Connie come out with her saddlebags.
- >>”I figure we can visit a clothing store or two and maybe check out some of the smaller stores as well. Gives us plenty to do.”
- >You nod and the three of you leave once more.
- >As you wait for a taxi, you focus on keeping yourself together.
- >Can’t keep having repeats of the previous days.
- >Have to make it through, no matter what.
- >You join the other two as the taxi stops and continue to think how to keep it together.
- >But how?
- >A sudden jolt of pain pulls you out of your thoughts.
- >You realize you were squeezing your bandaged leg.
- >Funny how the answer is so obvious.
- >’Inflicting more pain on yourself? Wow, not like you don’t do that enough.’
- >It’s the best plan for now.
- >’Not like that won’t come back to bite you in flank.’
- >I’ll deal with it if it comes to it.
- >The cart comes to a halt and you climb out with the others.
- >A large number of stores are lined up along the sidewalk.
- >Some are competing in selling something similar, and others are more unique.
- >Connie steps forward and waves one leg around.
- >>”See? So many places to choose, if either of you see something that catches your eye, just say so.”
- >Doubtful, but that doesn’t mean you won’t try.
- >The three of trot along and window shop mostly.
- >None of these places really interest you.
- >However, that quickly changes.
- >A clearly new store stands out amongst the rest and it ignites some anger within.
- >Its sign reads: Hot Clopic
- “Are you fucking serious? Is this some kind of joke?”
- >>”This place opened up about a month ago, I heard a lot of teenagers visit it.”
- >”Not surprising, heard there are others opening up in the cities. One of my patients mentioned it.”
- >Your anger turns to fury upon hearing this.
- “This is horse shit! Places like this take the whole idea of broken ponies and try to sell it.”
- >Connie looks surprised.
- >>”I wouldn’t know, never shopped here.”
- >”I think some of the stuff looks cute.”
- >What the fuck?
- >You narrow your eyes at Rest.
- “You’re serious?”
- >She shrugs.
- >”What can I say? I like the clothes.”
- >>”How about we take a look around? Might be something you will like.”
- >As you’re about to argue, you remember you’re only here for them.
- >You take a deep breath, and slowly release it.
- “...Fine.”
- >Inside the store, you can hear some music playing, doesn’t sound familiar.
- >Like Connie mentioned before, you can see some teenage ponies looking over things.
- >Mostly clothes here, can see some other stuff.
- >Almost all the clothes have some kind of logos on them.
- >Taking a closer look reveals them to be bands.
- >You read one of them aloud.
- “...Party Massacre? Seriously?”
- >Stepping away, you try to stick close to your friends instead.
- >This whole place feels insulting.
- >”Really like these wristbands and piercings.”
- >Rest’s words draw you from your inner thoughts.
- >An array of different colored wristbands is in front of her, many of which also have band logos.
- >Do they just slap a label on everyone they feel like? Because it seems like it.
- >>”This cape is kinda cool, what do you think Rest? Goth enough?”
- >Looking over, you see Connie holding a black cape.
- >Rest frowns and shakes her head.
- >”No that’s not goth. It looks like it belongs to a Nightmare Night costume.”
- >>”You don’t know that for sure. Might be a new style”
- >Rest rolls her eyes.
- >”Oh I’m sure, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that.”
- >Connie grins and tries it on.
- >She then rears up and talks in a gruff voice.
- >>”I’m Batmare!”
- >You try in vain to stifle a laugh, but ultimately fail.
- >Rest quickly joins you in laughing.
- >Connie wraps it around her and poses.
- >>”I am the night! None can hide from my vigilance!”
- >You laugh even harder and your sides start to hurt.
- >You try to talk in between breaths.
- “C-Connie..Ha!...My sides hurt!...Bwahaha!”
- >She pulls away the cape with a large smile.
- >>”There’s something I don’t see often, you laughing.”
- >Slowly, you try to bring yourself back under control.
- >Rest finally stops laughing and grins.
- >”Suppose that really fits you Connie, the black works well with your colors.”
- >Connie does a twirl and looks back at both of you.
- >>”Hmm...Yeah it does, doesn’t it? But! I don’t think I’ll get this, not much of a fan of capes.”
- >Finally you regain control and you feel a large smile plastered on your face.
- “I have to admit, that was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.”
- >Connie beams as she puts away the cape.
- >>”Good, that was my intention.”
- >You roll your eyes, of course it was.
- >>”Are you going to get anything here Rest?”
- >Looking over, you see Rest rub her chin for a moment.
- >”Yeah, just another wristband, nothing fancy.”
- >As she pays for her purchase, you honestly don’t feel as disgusted with this place.
- >Sure it’s still kinda insulting, but at least you’re not here alone.
- >The three of you head back outside and start looking around various shops.
- >Most don’t interest you, at least none yet.
- >You do feel happier than earlier, and you hold onto that as they look through another store.
- >Thankfully, the next store really catches your full attention.
- “Is that a thrift store?”
- >Before either can answer, you go inside.
- >You find your way over to some cases and see some vinyls on display.
- “I know some of these.”
- >”Didn’t expect you to be this interested in those Eri.”
- >You answer and keep your attention on the various vinyls.
- “Well yeah, I do like music. The older stuff holds up well in comparison to some of garbage they put out nowadays.”
- >Rest’s silence makes you turn your head to her.
- >She looks surprised and you blush.
- “I-uh...When I was little, my parents played some of these bands frequently.”
- >She smiles.
- >”Do you own any of these?”
- “Yeah, I still own the ones my parents left me.”
- >”Oh, you should play them sometime.”
- >On that thought, you feel your happiness start to slip.
- >Mom and dad have been gone a while, haven’t they?
- “Yeah...I should...”
- >You step away from the cases and head over to some nearby bookshelves instead.
- >Best to try to distract yourself from that memory.
- >The happiness you had has faded rapidly, and you feel yourself falling back to the way you were earlier.
- >Great...Just what you wanted.
- >Letting out a small sigh, you grab and open up a random book.
- >Though as your eyes look over the pages, you pause.
- >It’s a poetry book.
- “That...That was lucky...”
- >Slowly, you feel your spirits start to rise again.
- >Sure you hate your own stuff, but reading others work is so real.
- >It just speaks to you in a special way.
- >Especially how they bare their soul with words, it’s so visceral.
- >>”Find something you like?”
- >Turning your head, you see Connie standing there.
- >You nod and smile.
- “Yeah, this poetry book. Never read this one before. Have read the all the ones at the library back home, probably a few times by.”
- >>”Do you want it?”
- >Her words nearly knock you off balance.
- >Sure you wouldn’t mind owning this, but you really just wanted to be more outgoing with them.
- >Before you can answer, she continues.
- >>”I wouldn’t mind buying it for you Eri, not like it costs a fortune.”
- >She isn’t wrong, these books are dirt cheap, but still…
- >’Look at that, you’re actually thinking about turning down her offer. Didn’t think you could sink lower Eri.’
- >Rather than letting the thought get the best of you, you know what to do.
- “Alright Connie, if you’re sure.”
- >She beams and the two of you find Rest looking over the vinyls still.
- >”Not bad, they even have Black Sabbath volume four.”
- >She turns away from the cases and sees you both.
- >”Hey there, find something?”
- >You nod and show her your book.
- >”Oh neat, didn’t expect to see that here.”
- “Yeah neither did I, happy coincidence I guess.”
- >>”Find anything you want Rest?”
- >She takes a moment before picking up the vinyl she mentioned.
- >”It’s a classic and I don’t own it, yet.”
- >As the three of you pay and leave, you feel better again.
- >Have to remember to hold onto that flame tightly and never let it go again.
- >’You do know that a simple breeze will extinguish that?’
- >It doesn’t matter, I’ll be happy for now and deal with it when it goes away.
- >’Sure, then you’ll break down and cut yourself, again. Maybe even this time you go further.’
- >Fuck off.
- >’Only a matter of time.’
- >Ignoring the thoughts again, you three approach a ice cream vendor.
- >>”I think some ice cream will be a nice treat, how about it girls?”
- >Both you and Rest nod, because who the fuck doesn’t want ice cream.
- >The three of you trot on and enjoy your frozen treats.
- “Thanks Connie, this has been pretty nice so far.”
- >She takes a lick and smiles.
- >>”You’re welcome, but it’s not over yet.”
- >Connie gets a taxi and you finish your ice cream along the way, enjoying the peace, if only for now.
- >On the ride back, you hope that tomorrow will be good if not better than today.
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NHanon
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