All-American Girl

I can try.

 

Basically, it's a war fic. It's set 35-40 years after the show, and 20 years after Equestria first opened a portal to Earth. In the fic, Nightmare Moon has returned (possessing someone other than Luna, not sure who yet) and teamed up with Chrysalis and some human mercenaries to do general villain-y stuff.

 

If that was it, this would just be a shitty war fic. What makes it "interesting" is the ungodly clusterfuck of drama that carries on throughout the story. Basically all of the major characters are related to each other via some combination of blood, marriage, and the M6 and princesses' "bond of sisterhood" (???). So you wind up with stuff like:

 

The story description makes it sound like it's about DJ (Rarity's daughter) living as a pony on Earth. (This is why I started reading it in the first place.) But this plot barely gets out of the gate before it devolves into the aforementioned clusterfuck-o'-drama: when the portal is first established and Rarity and DJ meet for the first time, Rarity acts like a total bitch (including starting some big, dramatic custody proceedings so she can force DJ to abandon her human family and return to Equestria), and they spend the next 20 years hating each other's guts. Then in Chapter 2, the war plotline gets rolling, and so far the rest has been about 50% war, 30% random drama, and 20% drama about Rarity and DJ reconciling.

 

 

 

### Chapter 1 ###

 

** No.21369885

 

 

 

 

/fimfic/, I don't understand. This could have gone so well. There's so many interesting things to cover regarding human interaction with nonhumans, integration of human and pony societies, etc. But instead the author is focusing on this horribly contrived conflict that requires Rarity to be a total fucking psycho and everyone else to be a goddamn idiot.

 

 

** No.21373799

The first chapter is apparently some kind of giant backstory dump. The custody battle happened when she was 15.

 

Twilight gave her a magic doodad.

 

That's not anthro, that's a pony standing on her back legs. The main character walks like that to fit in better with humans.

 

** No.21375229

I haven't really read past chapter 1 (cause holy fuck that was a long chapter), but from glancing at the first few paragraphs of chapters 2-4 (and from looking at the cover art) it seems like Rarity is still butthurt that her daughter didn't decide to throw her whole life away thirty minutes after they first met.

 

Sandalwood (DJ's pony name) was apparently killed in a magic thunderstorm, but actually was transported to Earth. Twilight eventually figured out she was still alive and spent years trying to find her.

 

DJ is married to a human. Twilight made the gizmo so the two of them could have children.

 

That's exactly what it is, though. Her hips, shoulders, and neck are a little more flexible than they probably should be, but the story makes it perfectly clear that the character is 100% normal pony, raised by humans, who walks human-style and wears clothes in order to fit in. This is maybe not the most realistic way for a pony to move, but it's not that big a stretch.

 

** No.21375892

This is covered in the story. The parents kept her secret for a while, but they wanted to enroll her in school, and people objected for obvious reasons. They got a lawyer and ran it up through the Supreme Court, which decided that DJ was sentient and a legal US citizen, with all the rights that entails. In terms of realism, I don't think that's particularly bad.

 

Yeah that part is pretty fucking weird. Apparently she used the gizmo, had sex and got pregnant, then the effect wore off and she carried the pregnancy to term in pony form (even though the kids were human). Not sure how that's supposed to work, aside from "it's magic, I ain't gotta explain shit".

 

** No.21376215

 

 

** No.21376765

Yep, pretty much:

 

 

 

### Chapter 2 ###

 

** No.21379983

 

Chapter 2 is set in roughly the year 2047, when DJ is 35. We promptly discover that even after 20 years, Rarity STILL thinks that Sandalwood/DJ must have been brainwashed by those evil hoomins (obviously, this is the only possible explanation for DJ's refusal to abandon her human life at the drop of the hat).

 

After that little tidbit, the author apparently couldn't think of anything else interesting to write about DJ's time as a pony on Earth or about Rarity's relationship with her long-lost daughter. So instead, we get this:

 

 

NMM is working with Chrysalis, and with some human mercenaries that are being paid with gems. Apparently nobody in the past 20 years thought to ship gems from Equestria to Earth, so the prices are still way higher on Earth than in Equestria.

 

So everybody goes to Fillydelphia to fight the changeling army. The Mane 6 go in first to use the elements.

 

 

The M6 didn't die, of course. Pinkie teleported Flutters to safety, and the rest got zapped with nightmare magic poison thingy, so they're dying in the hospital. Now we finally get to the point: all this 15,000 words of bullshit was setup for Rarity to ask to see her daughter DJ, for the first time in 20 years.

 

 

** No.21382415

Oh, right. What I meant was, they all have husbands and children now.

 

I just did the math and realized the mane 6 must be around 60 years old when this is happening. DJ is 35 years old, and she's Rarity's first child. I figure Rarity was maybe 20-30 years old when she first got pregnant. So she'd be 55-65 at the time of the story. Also, I didn't mention it before, but RD has just found out she's pregnant before they go off to fight. She's got to be at least 55 years old. Her friends have grandchildren that will be older than this kid.

 

 

 

### Chapter 3 ###

 

** No.21384087

Nothing particularly interesting happened in chapter 3, aside from half the cast finally (after 20 years) pulling their heads out of their asses far enough to realize that maybe DJ and Rarity ought to talk at some point. I thought maybe the author had learned enough to improve their story from "so bad it's good" to just "bad". But then chapter 4 starts with this:

 

 

Good god, this fucking story...

 

 

 

### Chapter 4 ###

 

** No.21388655

Yeah, sure.

 

For anyone who missed it, this is the story in question:

I read it because I expected from the description that it would be about the integration of human and pony societies or something like that. Instead I got a war fic with a truly unnecessary amount of family drama. (It's set 35-40 years after the show, so the M6 have a bunch of children and a few grandchildren now.)

 

Here's a nice example from Chapter 4:

 

I'm pretty sure the author just throws a dart at a big family tree printout whenever he needs a character to fill a minor role.

Bam, instant drama.

 

For more on this story, check out these posts from the previous thread: >>21369885 >>21379983 >>21384087

 

 

 

### Chapter 5 ###

 

** No.21396116

This fucking story, man, I swear to god.

 

Chapter 4 made it pretty clear than Pip Squeak and Sweetie Belle are an item. In fact, they've apparently been engaged for five years.

 

Then Chapter 5 comes along.

 

 

Go go gadget "overly contrived love triangle"!

 

 

I don't even know what to say about this. Pip's apparently been living a double life for some incomprehensible reason. I'm sure there will be some kind of explanation later, so you can look forward to another post once I determine exactly how fucking stupid this situation is.

 

Oh, and don't forget: as this is going on, they're all still hiding out in a bombed-out building in downtown Fillydelphia, surrounded by 300,000 pissed-off changelings.

 

** No.21409748

Okay, I had to read over this part about four times (because none of the characters' actions make any goddamn sense), but I think I finally understand what happened here.

 

 

 

 

So in other words:

 

And in conclusion, Imago wins the Mother of the Year award for bringing an 8-year-old child with her into a FUCKING WAR ZONE.

 

 

 

### Chapter 6-7 ###

 

** No.21422294

Okay, I finished chapters 6 and 7. There wasn't anything spectacularly stupid in here. So here a few bits and pieces of stupid instead.

 

First of all, chapter 5 ended with a news report of DJ having died in the hospital.

Then, halfway through chapter 6:

Turns out, the reporter mixed her up with the OTHER "DJ Martinez", who actually did die. ...yeah.

 

Next up, we have Cadance approving "Operation Firestarter", a brilliant military strategy consisting of firing enough cruise missiles at Fillydelphia to completely level the place. This undoubtedly resulted in the deaths of hundreds or thousands of Equestria's own citizens who were not able to escape the city in time. Somehow, nobody noticed that this is a crime against equinity (or whatever).

 

On to chapter 7. We finally get to see the baby that Fluttershy rescued from Fillydelphia just before they escaped - it's the hybrid offspring of Chrysalis and Shining Armor. Apparently, prior to the Canterlot Wedding, Chrysalis and Shining Armor had sex, and she saved a bunch of his sperm [swear to god I'm not making this up]. In preparation for the war, she used it to spawn a bunch of these hybrids. (They're just like Pip's kid, only eeeeevil.) Anyway, Cadance naturally (?) decides to adopt the kid. She names him Dusk Shine, because the author is strangely fond of populating his story with R63 fanon and previous-gen characters.

 

And finally, the Pip/Sweetie/Imago love triangle somehow isn't dead yet. Pip is busy angsting over whether or not he "made the right decision". Imago is ecstatic that Pip is totally going to come and marry her. Sweetie realized that she's been a fucking moron and decides to get advice from her apprentice Star Swirl (47th generation descendant of SS the Bearded, and also a grill btw). Nothing interesting comes out of that, except we discover that Star totally has the hots for Sweetie, because nothing can ever be simple in this story.

 

 

** No.21422714

Had to kill off changelings before they had time to do all those evil changeling-y things.

 

Well, when the changelings first showed up, all the ponies did try to flee to refugee camps. I think the author might have intended to convey that literally every pony in the city got out before it was razed, but being the third largest city in Equestria and all, doing a full evacuation in only three days or so seems rather unrealistic to me. But he also keeps emphasizing that nobody knows whether Rarity's daughter Minty and her family got out of Filly or not, so it's hard to be sure.

 

As an added bonus, which I forgot to mention earlier, Blueblood and his wife have been "helping" Cadance deal with the press and manage the country while the other princesses are on Earth. The Bluebloods are apparently plotting a coup, because it sure is awful that the unicorns aren't running the show like they did in the good old days (1500+ years ago, right before everyone started freezing to death), and because what this story really needs is another overly dramatic subplot.

 

** No.21428340

I had to look this up because I couldn't remember.

 

It looks like the sun and moon stop moving when both Celestia and Luna are off-world. So what happens in the story is, they park the sun and moon in an eclipse, then Celestia, Luna, and Cadance all head off to Singapore. They're supposed to be on earth for less than a day, so this shouldn't be that big a deal (as long as you don't look too closely at the physics of Magical Talking Horse World). But then the restaurant where they're meeting DJ for dinner gets blown up by the bad guys, and all of Singapore turns into a total clusterfuck.

 

Eventually Celestia and Luna send Cadance back to Equestria on her own. Blueblood, being the next highest ranking member of the royal family after Cadance, has been running the country for the past two days, and the actual rulers want to make sure he isn't fucking things up too badly. (Of course, Cadance gets there and promptly fucks things up even worse by ordering Fillydelphia to be blown completely to hell.)

 

Cadance apparently can't move the sun and moon on her own, because she's out looking up at the eclipse right before she approves Operation Firestarter.

 

Finally, Celestia and Luna get back, after being gone for something like 5-7 days. Apparently everyone is cool with 120 hours of constant eclipse, because it's never mentioned again. (In fact, the eclipse is mentioned exactly twice: once when the princesses leave for earth, and again just before Cadance launches Firestarter.) Either that or the author just totally forgot about it.

 

 

 

### Chapter 8 ###

 

** No.21432560

God, this.

 

The best bit out of chapter 8 was the scene where Pip goes to meet his bugpone waifu in Ghastly Gorge, and gets stopped by the army unit that was stationed there to guard the top-secret "Flutter Project". The army guys are freaking out, running around on high alert and generally waving guns in every direction, so Pip asks just WTF is going on here.

 

Turns out, nobody thought to tell these clowns what their actual mission is. They know there are changelings in the gorge, but they have no idea why, or that the changelings are allies. Even the commander of the unit has no clue. So when Chrysalis's changeling army attacks Fillydelphia, the soldiers assume the changelings in the gorge are somehow responsible. They go to high alert in case the obviously-evil changelings attack, and the commander flies off to Canterlot in person to demand an air strike (instead of just picking up the damn radio, in which case this whole situation would have been resolved in ten minutes).

 

Pip shows up just in time to explain to the soldiers why they're all a bunch of morons. The biggest moron starts arguing and waving a gun in Pip's face. Naturally, Pip escalates the argument until the other guy starts shooting, then dodges the bullet and beats the shit out of him (using his elite special forces training). Pip won the fight, which means he's obviously right about the changelings not being evil, so everybody chills out.

 

The best part is, as far as I can tell, this scene is entirely pointless. Even if Pip hadn't intervened, the commander would have gone to his superiors demanding an air strike, and been sent back with proper orders (after being laughed out of the room). I guess it does show the reader that Pip is a super cool special forces badass, but it's an awfully long (and stupid) scene if that's all it's trying to convey.

 

** No.21429421

Currently unclear. The crater-izing happened in chapter 6, and the princesses just made back to Equestria partway through chapter 8. As of the end of chapter 8, Celestia is somewhere offscreen dealing with Fillydelphia and all the displaced refugees, while Luna is busy organizing dinner in Cloudsdale for DJ and Elusive.

 

Oh, and I found this while double-checking that info:

So not only is it practically certain that Equestrian citizens were killed by their own navy as part of Operation Firestarter, Cadance knew this would happen and went ahead anyway.

 

 

 

### Chapter 9-10 ###

 

** No.21439128

[Image: im-gonna-need-two-guns-for-this-one.jpg]

 

AAGMasterCharchartV3.5.1.jpg, 2MiB, 3515x2547

** No.21440125 Report

[Image: https://i.imgur.com/MTil4yA.jpg (AAGMasterCharchartV3.5.1.jpg)]

Good idea - I'll track down some good ones to post later today.

 

This might take a while, since the good parts are spread out across 90,000 words of generic warfic bullshit. The Mike/Celestia stuff actually started back in chapter 8, but I ignored it as long as I could because it was so god damn stupid I wanted to slam my head through my desk. But it looks like it's really not going away, especially now that we've had that lovely scene in which Mike wakes up, naked, in Celestia's bed, next to Celestia, who's in human form, and also naked.

 

Also, if you stare carefully at the clusterfuck that is the "AAG Master Character Relationship Chart, version 3.5.1", you can see a dark red line running halfway across the diagram from "Princess Celestia" to "Mike Hengst", indicating that she is "majorly crushing on" him.

 

** No.21440183

There's a perfectly good reason for Celestia to react this way, of course. Mike just reminds her so strongly of The Only Stallion She Ever Loved.

 

 

** No.21440448

Anyone else notice Lauren Faust and John DeLancie are both on there? They haven't shown up in the story yet, but when they do, I'm sure it will be hilariously awful.

 

I also like that the chart includes "no relation whatsoever" as a relationship type. As far as I can tell, it's only used between Lauren Faust and Faust A'Licorne (Queen Faust of Equestria).

 

Celestia and Luna are apparently powerful enough to cast long-duration shapeshifting spells, which they use regularly to visit Earth incognito.

 

Also, on the subject of magic, it seems like every single unicorn in the entire story is really good at teleportation, even though based on the show it seems to be quite difficult. They also have an annoying tendency to forget how great teleportation is during crises, so you get things like Celestia flying at supersonic speed from Canterlot to Cloudsdale, instead of teleporting there directly, which would be both faster and probably easier.

 

Actually, they died as part of the backstory. Rarity had Derpy babysitting Sandalwood (DJ) while she went to do element bearer stuff to the giant magic storm that was heading to Ponyville. Gryphon raiders (IIRC) broke into the house, grabbed Sandalwood, and killed everybody else. They made it back to the Everfree, but the magic storm blasted them, killing the gryphons and sending baby Sandalwood to Earth.

 

Yep. A bunch of the mane 6's children are either R63 or old-gen characters.

 

You also missed:

 

Nope, they're "no relation whatsoever". It's a slightly different shade of red from the "biological parent" line.

 

** No.21440490

Well, otherwise you might wrongly assume that the character who's obviously based on real-life Lauren Faust is somehow related to the other character who's obviously based on real-life Lauren Faust.

 

Actually, now I'm really curious to see what part Lauren Faust and John de Lancie have in this story. It's set in 2047, remember, so they would be 72 and 98 years old, respectively.

 

** No.21445338

Chrysalis has these pony/changeling hybrids (made from Shining Armor's sperm, which she saved for 30 years using her freaky bughorse biology). They're called the "pepsis warriors", but I prefer calling them just "the pepsis", for obvious reasons.

 

 

 

### Chapter 11-12 ###

 

** No.21446165

Okay, here we go. This one's in three parts, because quotes take up a lot more space than snarky greentext summaries.

 

First, some backstory: Celestia, Luna, and Cadance all came to Singapore to have dinner with DJ and Mike. During dinner, terrorists set off a bomb in the main part of the restaurant, then one of them ran into the private dining room trying to kill the princesses. Mike saved the day by shooting him in the face.

 

Afterward, Celestia (in human form) and Mike spent a couple days running around Singapore looking for more terrorists to beat up. Then, just as they're finishing up and getting ready to head on to Equestria:

Oh, how sweet - Mike reminds her of her special somepony from way back--

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Yeah, I'm with Mike on this one. What the fuck, Celestia? You're three thousand years old - learn some self control already.

 

** No.21446175

The previous scene, from chapter 7, is only the first of many. Here's one from chapter 8:

 

 

 

At this point, I was still in denial, hoping this unbearably stupid subplot would just disappear so I could forget it ever happened.

 

No such luck. From chapter 9:

 

 

Chapter 10:

 

 

** No.21446189

At this point, a messenger shows up to tell Celestia that Cloudsdale is under attack. NMM has shanghaied a couple squadrons of Iranian fighter pilots, and has them flying around shooting up Cloudsdale. Of course, she chose to do this while DJ and Mike were in town to have dinner with Elusive and his wife.

 

 

Yeah, who cares about a bunch of dumb pegasi? She's going to Cloudsdale to save Mike, 'cause she's craving that hot monkey dick!

 

So Celestia flies off to Cloudsdale (I guess she forgot she can teleport?), arriving just in time to catch Mike four feet from the ground (NMM had tossed him over the side of the city). Instead of heading up to fight NMM or the Iranians, Celestia opts to fly back to Canterlot to get Mike to a doctor. I guess she figured Luna had things under control, even though she totally didn't. (Luna was too busy saving Elusive - who was ALSO thrown off the side of the city - to do anything for the hundreds being killed by the Iranians.)

 

The next morning (chapter 11), Mike wakes up naked in Celestia's bed, alongside a naked human-form Celestia. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation, of course - the doctors took Mike's clothes off while they were working on him, Celestia was shapeshifted because her pony form was too big for both of them to fit on the bed, and as for her being naked, well, she just kind of forgot that clothes were a thing.

 

 

As of the middle of chapter 13, nothing more has happened aside from Cadance and Luna finding out that Celestia has a crush on somebody (they don't know who).

 

So, that's all, folks. Now I'm going cry in a corner over the thought of the immortal ruler of all ponykind reduced to behaving like a hormonal teenager.

 

 

 

### Chapter 13 ###

 

** No.21447063 Report

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

 

So, remember the crazy army guy who tried to call an air strike on Pip's bugpone waifu and all the kids? Well, he somehow avoided getting fired, and when the Iranians started wrecking Cloudsdale, he flipped his shit again and had his unit start gearing up to go shoot up all the friendly changelings in Ghastly Gorge. Pip went to stop this nonsense (again), and this time, in addition to a gun in his face, he also got an earful of racist rants.

Etc. Then Pip's boss's boss's boss shows up with a pile of black-ops badasses, Mr. Airstrike gets court-martialed or whatever, and I thought that was that.

 

Then, in chapter 13...

 

A bunch of ponies in cloaks and masks get together in a secret room somewhere. Ms. Cult Leader starts yakking: "welcome, brothers and sisters", "Holy Celestia and Sacred Luna", yadda yadda, and oh look, now she's starting in on some good old-fashioned pony-supremacist ranting. Gas the ziggers, race war now! And while we're at it, let's gas the humans, gas the gryphons, gas the minotaurs, etc, etc. But mostly the humans, because of Lost Foal this and Lost Foal that:

Looks like Rarity's not the only one who can hold a grudge for twenty years.

 

Toward the end, Ms. Cult Leader asks for recruits to join the "Purehooves", but not before taking off her own cloak and mask.

 

She's Sunset Shimmer. Fuck my life.

 

 

** No.21451001 Report

It's not as bad as I make it sound...

 

Actually, on second thought, yeah, it pretty much is. I was going to say that I mainly post the spectacularly stupid drama bits, and the war stuff is just mediocre rather than terrible, but then I realized that half the war parts involve the same level of idiocy as the drama. Example: Luna and Celestia ignore the Iranians that are shooting hundreds of their people, and instead rush to save Elusive and Mike (because they're Family, and Family Is Important Above All Else).

 

The war kicked off because NMM and Chrysalis decided to come back and wreck Equestria's shit.

 

Although...

 

The story makes it pretty clear that NMM is the real boss of the other side's war effort, and the only reason NMM is back is that some unknown pony was so angry that they actually invited NMM to possess them (unlike Luna, who was tricked into it somehow). Furthermore, NMM does seem to have an unhealthy obsession with DJ, for reasons that are currently unclear.

 

So, I would not be surprised if NMM is back because somebody was really pissed off at DJ. It would certainly fit with the way the rest of the story has been going.

 

 

 

### Chapter 14 ###

 

** No.21454612

I'm not even going to explain this one. Just look:

 

 

Yeah, that's right: Sweetie's apprentice has the hots for her so bad, she's willing to resort to black magic. What could possibly go wrong?

 

And in case you had any lingering doubts about where this is going:

 

"Totally crushing on", my ass. This is some psycho stalker shit going on right here.

 

 

** No.21455363

 

I don't think it's period blood - it just has to be blood that was taken when she was a virgin, apparently. But other than that, yeah, you got it right.

 

 

Okay, now let's do some math.

 

- Let S be the year in which Sweetie Belle was born

- Let T, R, and F be the years in which Twilight, Rarity, and Star Swirl the Filly were born

- Let V be the year in which Sweetie and Pip first started dating (really, the year in which Sweetie lost her virginity, after which her blood would be no good for the spell)

- Let B be the year in which SStF obtained the blood sample from Sweetie

 

As a reminder, the story takes place in the year 2047.

 

I. From the scene at the start of chapter 15, we learn that Star Swirl was apprenticed to Sweetie when Star was 9 or 10 years old and Sweetie was 31. Therefore: 31 - 10 = 21 ≤ F - S ≤ 22 = 31 - 9.

II. In chapter 13, Twilight mentions her age: she's 63 at the time of the story, which is the year 2047. So T = 1984 = 2047 - 63.

III. Assume Rarity was born within 3 years of Twilight: -3 ≤ R - T ≤ 3

IV. Assume Sweetie Belle was born 8 to 12 years after Rarity: 8 ≤ S - R ≤ 12

V. Sweetie Belle claims her and Pip were together (on and off) for more than 20 years. Thus V ≤ 2027 = 2047 - 20.

VI. The blood was stolen while Sweetie was a virgin: B ≤ V

 

We wish to know B - F, Star Swirl's age when she obtained the blood.

 

VII. Add up I, III, IV, and substitute with II to obtain: 26 ≤ F - 1984 ≤ 37, or 2010 ≤ F ≤ 2021

VIII. Combine V and VI to obtain: B ≤ 2027.

IX. Subtract VII from VII to obtain: B - F ≤ 2027 - 2010 = 17

 

Star Swirl has been planning this since she was no older than 17. The blood sample itself is between 20 and 28 years old.

 

TL;DR: Star Swirl the Filly is a sick fuck.

 

 

 

### Chapter 15-16 ###

 

** No.21468424

I finished chapter 16 of AAG. It featured lots of shouting.

 

First, in the Celestia/Mike department, Luna goes to tease Celestia about her secret crush, and Celestia reveals that she has fallen in love with Mike (the main character DJ's husband, for those who haven't been following along). Luna assumes that means they're actually having an affair, and starts cussing out Celestia for being a "hypocritial harridelle". Celestia replies with some childish ranting, and pisses off Luna even more by mentioning Robin (Luna's human husbando, who Luna's spent the past 20 years pining for).

 

The world's least mature 5000-year-olds spend a few more minutes Royal Canterlot Voice'ing at each other, after which Cadance shows up to RCV at both of them a bit, and to remind them that their country is almost certainly going to be embroiled in World War III by the end of the week. Eventually Luna and Cadance calm down, but Celestia is still upset. Luna points out that Celestia is acting like a child, so Celestia proves her right by teleporting away to sulk.

 

The rest of the shouting comes from the DJ/Rarity plot line. Rarity's still in the hospital, slowly dying of Nightmare Magic Poison-itis, and DJ has finally decided to go talk to her. It goes about as well as you'd expect, given Rarity's ever-present paranoia and delusions of persecution. Rarity spends a while insulting DJ's life decisions, but after seeing DJ's kids, she backs off a bit. Not because she has any real interest in reconciling with anybody, but rather because she knows that if she burns all her bridges, she will have no chance of saving the kids from the evil brainwashing perpetrated by DJ and her parents. In the end, DJ and Rarity hate each other about as much as they always have, so all this shouting didn't really accomplish much.

 

There's also some WWIII stuff in this chapter, but I'm going to hold off posting about that until I've figured out precisely how stupid the various world powers are being.

 

 

 

### Chapter 17-19 ###

 

** No.21483210

On today's episode of the All-American Drama-o-Rama...

 

 

The Bad Guys appear to have given up on starting WWIII. Instead, they send Broken Armor (one of the Pepsis) the hospital where the M6 are slowly dying from NMM's curse, so he can blow the place up and kill them all. Fortunately, Twilight Sunburn (the no-longer-evil Pepsi who Faust rescued) shows up to help out. It seems converting to good turned her into some kind of mega badass, and she wipes the floor with Armor and saves the day.

 

Now watch as WWIII happens anyway because everyone in this fic is dumb.

 

 

Speaking of Sunburn... For some reason, she considers Twilight Sparkle to be her mother. Bit of an odd choice, since her actual parents are Chrysalis and Shining Armor. Twilight is totally cool with this, since it means she can hop on the "Importance Of Family" bandwagon without needing to actually get pregnant and give birth at age 64. As an added bonus, the curse that has been slowly killing Twilight for the past two months is magically cured, through the Power Of Family-- er, through the power of hope, or some such thing.

 

Of course, having both mother and daughter named Twilight something would just be too confusing for everybody, so Sunburn changes her name to Shining Dawn.

 

 

Finally, a big reveal about DJ's heritage. After all the issues DJ and Rarity have had with each other, it turns out Rarity isn't actually her biological mother after all.

 

Yeah, that's right: DJ isn't actually Rarity's kid. She's one of Rarity's husband's kids, from his previous marriage to Derpy (or Ditzy, I forget which is the dead one). I don't know how this failed to come out during the trial, but somehow DJ doesn't know all this yet. I'm sure when she finds out the amount of shouting will be simply spectacular.

 

 

200 characters left? All right, let's talk about accents.

I hate everything.

 

 

** No.21483823

 

...

 

I read this as saying that Dinky and Sparkler are DJ's sisters, and (implied) that Derpy is her mother. But on closer inspection, I don't think that's right. The last paragraph mentions that two (of the three) that died protecting DJ were her sisters, but says nothing of the third (Derpy). So I think Dinky and Sparkler are only DJ's HALF-sisters, and the author is handwaving the difference (because the only distinction that matters is Family vs. Not Family, as you should know by now).

 

TL;DR: false alarm

 

** No.21483992

Quoted By: >>21484550

Yeah, me too. But I'm pretty sure this is how it goes:

 

 

 

So Sparkler and Dinky are DJ's half-sisters on her dad's side. But half-sisters is still close enough to count as Family, I guess, so the author just left out the "half" part throughout the section I quoted. It also means DJ is 100% guaranteed going to get all bent out of shape when she finds out that the ponies who died protecting her from gryphons were relatives, not just some random Non-Family.

 

 

** No.21485542

None whatsoever. There's still a huge pile of subplots that are unresolved, plus the main war plot.

 

 

The war plot needs at least one more epic battle, so they can kill NMM, Chrysalis, a couple dozen Pepsis, and probably a few hundred thousand changeling drones. That might wind up being multiple battles. Plus another few if Iran actually goes ahead with World War III (which I think they probably will, despite it now being BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS that literally everything is a changeling false-flag). Also Faust and Discord need to finish with whatever the fuck they've been doing this whole time, though that will probably wind up being part of the final battle.

 

 

 

[Aside:]

** No.21490033

[Image: https://i.imgur.com/X5hdMZy.jpg (aag-family.jpg)]

I think my two biggest issues with this fic are (1) main characters do unbelievably stupid things because of "muh family", and (2) everything is full of over-the-top, totally unnecessary drama.

 

Examples of (1):

 

The family thing is extra bad because the author contrived that "bond of sisterhood" thing which makes nearly a third of the cast all part of one big family. (See pic. The ones marked in green are those I think DJ currently considers to be some kind of family member.)

 

Examples of (2):

 

 

 

### Chapter 20-21 ###

 

** No.21497087

So, Celestia/Sam is a thing now.

 

Remember back in chapter 16, when Luna went off on Celestia over the whole Mike thing, and Celestia teleported away? Well, she switched to human form and stood at the top of some tower for a while, looking out over the city. DJ's brother Sam saw her up there and thought she was about to an hero, so he climbed the vines up the side of the building to stop her. Celestia was so impressed by his manliness that she decided to create a new law enforcement agency to put him in charge of. There's more to this but it was boring.

 

Anyhow, in chapter 20, the two of them actually go on a date. Celestia (in human form) teleports them both to Washington, DC, for dinner. It's all romantic and emotional or whatever, so halfway through dinner, Sam kisses Celestia. Naturally, she freaks the fuck out and charges straight out of the restaurant. Sam chases her half a mile in the rain and finally catches her by some park, at which point the world's least mature 4,000-year-old has an emotional breakdown and spends a while sobbing uncontrollably. After sorting that out, they make out for a while, but a cop shows up and tells them to get a room. So they teleport back to Canterlot.

 

And then they fucked.

 

They fucked all evening. Celestia lowered the sun half an hour late, and after that, they fucked some more. Celestia apparently never got laid in all 4,000 years of her life, not even when she was with that Argent Lance guy. Anyway, they fucked a bunch and I guess eventually went to sleep. Celestia woke up early to raise the sun and magically seal the door, that way the palace maids wouldn't interrupt them while they spent all morning fucking.

 

This basically went on for 24 hours straight. It sure is nice there was nothing important for Celestia to do that day, like deal with an ongoing war, or help with whatever the fuck Twilight is doing to cure everybody's Nightmare Magic Poison-itis.

 

 

Also in chapter 20:

Kill me now.

 

 

** No.21501284

Well, yeah, there was a little more to it, but mostly in terms of Celestia's state of mind. "Oh, he treats me like a real mare", "I don't want to always be the distant and untouchable princess", "everyone has a Family of their own when I have never experienced true love #foreveralone", etc. (World's least mature 6,000-year-old, remember. Because who doesn't like seeing best princess acting like she's 14?) These are basically the exact same reasons why she was suddenly in love with DJ's husband 10 chapters ago, and same thing for Argent Lance. Yet somehow nobody else was able to meet these exacting standards in the 700 years between Argent Lance and Mike.

 

 

** No.21513801 Report

Ugh, yeah, I remember that.

 

“You sure you okay, DJ?” Lyra asked. “Occasionally, earth ponies have been known to hallucinate while touching a chargesphere while unprepared….”

 

 

** No.21503975

I wouldn't recommend it to anybody. The story can't decide if it wants to be about war or about relationship drama, and winds up doing both, poorly. Plus, the author just glosses over all the interesting parts of the story.

 

On the war side, I suspect the author didn't do a particularly thorough job of planning out the course of the war, because what we see in the story is the bad guys setting up reasonably clever plans and then throwing them away for no clear reason. Exmaples:

 

The good guys' war effort is even worse, being virtually nonexistent. I joked a lot about the princesses screwing around when they should have been running the war, but really, I don't think the story has ever shown them making any real effort in that regard. The closest they've come is punching terrorists in Singapore, blowing up Filly, and sending Rumble's guys to spy on that Iranian air base.

 

** No.21503994

The drama side of the story is firmly in "so bad it's good" territory. I normally despise any work of fiction that forces otherwise-reasonable characters to act like idiots for the sake of the plot, but this fic just has the biggest, craziest idiot ball I've ever seen. We've got stuff like paranoid-schizophrenic Rarity, Celestia acting like a teenager, and Pip/Sweetie/Imago working out their issues in the middle of a war zone (followed, of course, by Sweetie's self-imposed martyrdom and the barrel of fun that is Crazy Blood Girl). On top of that, there's the whole "bond of sisterhood" thing, which seems like an utterly contrived way to ensure that anything that happens to any character is automatically considered 1,000% serious.

 

There were a few things I actually did like - NMM's personality is... interesting, and I thought Sunburn's development into the Nice Pepsi was actually handled quite well - but overall, I would say that the stupid far outweighed the good.

 

I've been here since 5%, posting perodically about stories that I find particularly awful. This was just the only one that took off in a big way. I don't have any plans to go seeking out bad fics to trash-talk, if that's what you mean.

 

I do at least plan to comment on the final chapter of book 1, since it should be going up in the next couple of months. I also plan to read the side stories, which I expect to be better overall, though I'm sure I'll run across a few things worth writing about. I'm not sure I'll keep following AAG other than that.

 

 

 

### Chapter 22 ###

 

** No.21502933

Hey, I'm finally done with this thing! Here's where the story stands as of the end of chapter 22:

 

No attacks since the hospital bombing. Chrysalis just sent Blue Velvet (sexy Pepsi) to Saddle Arabia to seduce Prince Artemis (who, of course, is the son of Prince Solaris).

 

Blood Armor (boss Pepsi) is doing war stuff.

 

Twilight Sunburn/Shining Dawn (nice Pepsi) has recently been adopted by Twilight Sparkle. "Hello, mysterious changeling person I just met today, you are now part of the Family and I trust you completely! ...Girls, why are you giving me those funny looks?"

 

Also Dusk Shine (baby Pepsi) has been adopted by Cadance, but doesn't do much of interest on account of being a baby.

 

Doesn't seem to be happening. I guess everybody forgot about it?

 

The Purehooves have apparently infiltrated the government enough to worry Celestia. Also, their ringleader, Sunset Shimmer, is actually Blueblood's wife in disguise (or maybe the other way around).

 

Twilight and Applejack have gotten their NMPI cured through the magic of hope. RD and Rarity are still infected, and Sweetie is too since she ran in to save everybody during the hospital attack. Recall that Pinkie and Fluttershy never got infected because Pinkie managed to teleport them away when NMM attacked (using lel randumb 4thwall powerz, I assume).

 

Oh, and don't forget, Rainbow Dash has been pregnant this whole time.

 

Discord is still stoned. Faust, having successfully rescued Sunburn and sent her on to Twilight, is now back at home with her (human) husband and kids. Discord's agents, Screwball and Screw Loose, followed Faust home, forcing her to reveal to her children that she's secretly an alicorn queen from another dimension. (Her husband already knew.)

 

Also, apparently Human-Earth has always had human wizards and magical monsters. They're just really good at hiding or something.

 

** No.21502948

DJ made up with Elusive and Silversteel (Rarity's husband). She hasn't made up with Rarity yet. She never made up with Minty (who fucking hated her for some reason) because Minty's dead.

 

Silversteel told DJ about her "sisters", Derpelle's daughters (the author seems strangely opposed to the term "half-sister"). There was a surprising shortage of crying, screaming, etc. in that scene.

 

Appears to be falling out as follows:

- Pip and Imago are together, raising their hybrid flutter kids, and plan to get married. They're currently in Canterlot to make the flutters' existence public knowledge.

- Rumble and Star Swirl (crazy blood girl), who both looked like potential matches for Sweetie Belle, spent the end of the last chapter making out with each other instead.

- Sweetie is undoubtedly doomed to die cold and alone, with no Family to call her own.

 

Celestia kissed Mike (DJ's husband) once, and later sort of tried to seduce him. This caused all manner of drama when Luna and Cadance found out.

 

More recently, Celestia and Sam (DJ's brother) spent a day and a half fucking each other silly. She also put him in charge of this new multispecies law enforcement agency, which is going to be overseen by Luna. (See? No conflict of interest here!) Everybody knows that Celestia finally got laid (she's quite a moaner, apparently) but nobody knows she's with Sam in particular.

 

Now that Celestia has firsthand experience of the joys of hot monkey dick, she regrets splitting up Luna and Robin (human) all those years ago. To make up for that, she suggested that Luna take a break from the whole "country at war" thing and go spend some time with him. Luna, being the brains of the operation, realized that this is a fucking terrible idea, and decided to wait until Equestria isn't in imminent danger.

 

 

And finally:

Who here is hype for 700,000 more words!?

 

 

 

### Chapter 23-24 ###

 

We get off to a great start, with Celestia forgetting to raise the sun due to being distracted by hot monkey dickings.

 

Twilight's planning some sort of shindig in the basement of the bombed-out hospital, and she invited all her "sisters" (M6 + princesses). Whatever she's planning will either cure Rarity, Sweetie, and Rainbow Dash of the curse they've been under since chapter 2, or else it will kill everyone involved.

 

Being wise and responsible rulers, and aware of the extreme risk, Celestia and Luna plan the handover of the government to Blueblood (as king) and Lyra (as prime minister) in case they die.

 

A bunch of other random shit happens:

 

Finally, everyone meets up at the ruined hospital. It's finally time for the shindig. But first:

Also, Mike slaps around Blueblood a bit for talking shit about his waifu, and doesn't get in trouble thanks to rampant corruption in the Equestriani government.

 

Now it's REALLY time for the shindig, right? Nope - before it starts, Celestia teleports Sam away so they can make out in her office for a while. They head back after getting caught by Cadance.

 

How about now? No again - instead let's read about how Chrysalis is planning to send 2500 changelings to attack the hospital, which is currently crawling with both the royal guard and a bunch of marines.

 

And now? Nope, chapter's over, gotta wait 6 months for the next one. THE END

 

 

 

### Chapter 25 ###

 

HEY GUYS I HEARD YOU LIKE LOVE TRIANGLES

 

 

Everyone is in pony NORAD to watch some big event and Elusive is off in the corner talking to some military officer who apparently still has the hots for him

This is literally the SECOND PAGE

 

 

** Part 1-2

 

All right, here's the deal. Way the fuck back in chapter 2, Twilight, RD, AJ, and Rarity got hit with some nightmare-powered magic poison virus thingy. After a few months just sitting around waiting to die, Twilight and AJ were both cured by the power of H O P E. In this chapter, Twilight finally gets to try out her plan to cure the rest of them. But first, a bunch of other random shit has to happen.

 

DJ, Lyra, and Elusive (Rarity's son) chill at Pony NORAD for a while, then get escorted off to the VIP room. Surprise! The VIP room is a bank vault and their escort is Chrysalis. She locks them in and wanders off to secretly take over the rest of Pony NORAD.

 

There are two other prisoners in the bank vault with them. The first is some kind of alternate, non-Hitler version of Sunset Shimmer, who promptly became my favorite character in the entire series:

 

The other prisoner is Chatoyance:

 

Now back to our regularly scheduled nonsense. Celestia, Luna, and Cadance are getting ready for their part in Twilight's grand plan. Luna decides this is a great time to discuss her (lack of) love life: Luna is butthurt because Celestia is getting laid now and she's not, so says she's going to abdicate and go live on human-earth with her husbando Robin, just as soon as they're done with whatever it is they're doing. The princesses go from 0 to QUADRUPLE YELLING in half a page, then calm right the fuck back down in another half-page and go off to do their actual jobs.

 

It's time for some warfic bullshit. Mr. Taco is sends a bunch of pepsis and Iranians off in fancy new fighter jets to blow up Canterlot and Equestria's one aircraft carrier. These jets were custom-designed and built in about two months by a bunch of kidnapped nuclear physicists, so obviously they're packed with the latest and greatest in both electronics and magitech. Also, Mr. Taco bought 100 older fighter jets and brought them through the portal, without anyone ever noticing that the actual Equestriani government neither wanted nor paid for 100 fighter jets, solely for the purpose of target practice for his shiny new "Privateers".

 

Next, we finally find out the princesses' part of the plan. They're going to channel a shitload of magic from the sun, the moon, and wherever love comes from, and send it to Twilight so she can blow up the nightmare magic poison-itis. This apparently involves flying around in a circle really fast and chanting in broken Latin.

 

Suddenly, out of nowhere: it's Nightmare Moon! It's Chrysalis! It's Mr. Taco's magitech fighter jets! It's 100,000 changelings! I don't know how you make 100,000 changelings appear out of nowhere, but Chrysalis apparently managed it, because the Equestriani military had no idea they were nearby.

 

 

This is about where I stopped reading. Some outrageous fraction of the Equestriani military has been patrolling Canterlot on high alert since the start of this chapter, and now that they finally know where the bad guys are, they're getting BTFO. But I'm only about halfway through the chapter at this point, so I'm sure there's more insanity to come.

 

 

** Part 3-4

 

Last we saw, the princesses were flying at mach 6 in circles above the ruined hospital, channeling magical energy from their respective spheres to Twilight. (Note that the hospital wasn't ruined by the perpetual sonic boom emanating from the three alicorns, because there isn't one, but rather by a changeling attack a few chapters ago.) But just as they get wound up, NMM attacks Celestia, Chrysalis attacks Luna, and changelings and Mr. Taco's magical jetplanes attack the legions of troops who have just been hanging around in Canterlot all chapter long.

 

Celestia summons her sword to fight Nightmare Moon. It doesn't work, so she summons her other sword, and her OTHER other sword, and fights NMM with all three at once. But because this is AAG, they don't just fight, they also discuss some family drama at the same time.

OH EM GEE.

 

But enough about them, let's talk about bug horse. Luna basically beats her sorry ass and leaves her for dead. (Spoilers: she doesn't die.)

 

The changelings are fucking up literally everything. But DJ and friends break out of Pony NORAD's VIP bank vault (thanks to DJ having inherited dear ol' dad's "Monolith" strength and being literally bigger than Big Mac), break into Pony NORAD's control room, and mash buttons at random until a bunch of big fuckin' guns appear from nowhere. Specifically, 37 cannons firing changeling-seeking crystal grenades, which were hidden under various rooftops all over Canterlot. The changelings promptly get BTFO.

 

Mr. Taco's magical jetplanes come in to destroy the guns before they do too much damage. But Rainbow Blitz and his non-magical jetplanes show up just in time to fight them. The gryphon air force also comes to help for some reason.

 

On the ground, all the important male characters in the story (except Elusive, who was in the VIP vault) are fighting bugs, when NMM shows up to fuck with them. She grabs Edgelord and breaks his neck to show how serious and evil she is. She picks up Sam next, but unfortunately Celestia spots her at this point. Seeing NMM fucking with her husbando enables Celestia to unleash her full power, like so:

(Spoilers: she doesn't die. She is forced to retreat, though.)

 

Now that the battle is pretty much won, Celestia and Luna rejoin the mach-6 magic party, where poor Cadance has been flying in circles alone. Twilight isn't done with the spell, but she's still safe for now thanks to her pepsi daughter Shining Dawn, who has shapeshifted into Twilicorn and is DBZ'ing any changelings who come near. When the magic party picks up again, she finishes the spell, which burns away all the nightmare magic poison-itis, makes a big rainbow that turns into magical singing alicorns, blasts all the remaining changelings out of the city, and heals all the wounded soldiers.

 

Hooray! The good guys won. Now it's time for some kind of epilogue, I guess, followed by the start of Book II.

 

 

** Post-edit

[Shinzakura wasn't happy with the way chapter 25 went, so he made some major edits.]

 

I survived all 33,000 words of it. Here are the major changes:

 

 

And now for the best part.

 

 

Shinzakura's excuse: pic related

 

 

 

### Chapter 26 ###

 

** No.30555752

Hey, quick AAG question. Does anyone remember what the deal is with Robin [spoiler]Luna's human husbando[/spoiler] and his daughter, or remember which chapters of the main and/or side stories mention her? Because the latest chapter drops what looks to be some fucking nonsensical reverse Jerry Springer shit and I'm not sure yet how confused I should be.

 

 

** No.30555797

 

Robin shows up in The Busker and becomes a recurring character throughout the rest of the anthology.

 

And you shouldn't be confused at all if you've followed the proper rituals to prevent contamination by the Warp.

 

 

** No.30555944

YOU ARE TOO LATE

I read ahead and this shit is EXACTLY as fucked up as I thought

 

 

 

Yeah that's right, Sterling is NOT biologically related in any way to Saffron, even though Saffron LITERALLY GAVE BIRTH TO HER

 

 

 

There is LITERALLY NO EXPLANATION for how this happened [spoiler]though it seems like Luna might have a theory, so stay tuned[/spoiler]

It's the fucking magic of F A M I L Y or some shit, I dunno

 

[spoiler]Based Shinzakura bringing the crazy. I might have brain damage now but shit like this is the reason I read AAG[/spoiler]

 

 

** No.30556269

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA [spoiler]THIS MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE[/spoiler]

 

 

** No.30562272

NMM's host is dead, so she gets a new one. Also, the old host's identity is finally revealed: it's Orange Box. (Literally who?)

 

Spitfire is dead. There's a funeral and shit.

 

The Iranian fighter captain is not dead. He bitches at Mr. Taco for sending a bunch of untrained pepsis as pilots (they all got BTFO). By the way, the aircraft carrier they attacked is also not dead.

 

Lyra is almost dead. This is the most bullshit thing in the entire chapter because Lyra is cool and her near-fatal injury is 1000% contrived. During the battle, she hit the button for the orbital friendship cannon, and it worked but also electrocuted her for literally no reason. She's now in the hospital.

 

Non-Hitler Sunset (Champaigne's golem) is supposed to be dead, because Champaigne's worried about her getting out of control, but NHS resists because she's already turning into a real girl.

 

Chrysalis gets dead. Blood Armor takes over and all the changelings move to Saddle Arabia.

 

Luna fucks Robin. Celestia fucks Sam. Star Swirl fucks Rumble. Pip fucks Imago. Sweetie Belle is foreveralone but her friends (who are all married by the way) throw her a party to cheer her up.

 

I already talked about Luna and Robin's kid.

 

DJ and Rarity actually talk to each other, finally. Unfortunately Rarity is still fucking stupid. Among other things, she tries to insist that DJ send her kids to Not-Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, despite them obviously not being unicorns. Oh, and of course they'll have to adopt pony names, to fit in. DJ tells her to fuck off, obviously.

 

Equestria is part of NATO (despite not even being on the same planet as the North Atlantic), so Celestia requests help defending against future nightmare / changeling / taco attacks. They agree, but Megan Williams warns her that the secretary general of NATO is secretly part of an anti-pony group that was formed by a merger between the KKK and the Black Panthers.

 

IT'S FINALLY OVER [spoiler]for now at least[/spoiler]