BV 2.5 - Seven Days in Sunny June, Book V: The New Frontier

This is 7DSJ Book 5, a.k.a. "The Big Retcon". It (so far) follows the post-timehax life of the Dazzlings, and how they became kung-fu badasses and made friends with the 8M8 in a world where they never joined the SIRENs.

 

Here's their new life story, up to age 9 or so:

 

At this point, we need a quick break to discuss the relevant family trees.

Now back to the show.

 

 

 

 

This part's just kind of confusing, since it mainly consists of random scenes from books 1, 3, and 4, presented with no context and minor alterations. There are a few interesting parts, though:

 

#1:

Now, this is obviously fucking stupid. But worse is the author's note, in which Shinzakura tries to justify it as a perfectly plausible hazing ritual to exist in the year 2013. He bases this on a study from the 90s, which in fact paints exactly the opposite picture: hazing between students is typically hidden from adults, not endorsed by every single teacher and staff member in the school.

 

#2:

 

#3:

This, presumably, is meant to be Faust's fix for Sunset having no recorded history on earth. But I'd like to point out that Sunset still has no recorded history for her first ~14 years on earth, and only the flimsiest of excuses for why that would be the case.

 

 

Timehax complete. Starting next week, we get to the actual epilogue.

 

 

 

Timehax complete. Everybody wakes up with new memories.

 

The "two sets of memories" business is actually handled pretty well. The gist of it is, the new-timeline memories aren't fully integrated, so the characters mostly remember events as they happened in the old timeline. But if they focus, or are suitably prompted, the relevant new-timeline memories will come to them in a flash. Now, obviously retconning your entire fucking 700,000-word series is a bad idea, but given that's happening anyway, this seems like a good way to work the details of the retcon into the story naturally, instead of resorting to a giant infodump.

 

Now back to your regularly scheduled bitching.

 

 

Man, this new timeline is bullshit.

 

First, Faust gave out dual memories like candy. Everyone who was at the big showdown gets memories of both timelines, and everyone who's even remotely important to the story was at the showdown. This whole situation would be vastly more interesting if, say, only the 11M8 got dual memories, and Twilight and Sunset had to keep their parents in the dark.

 

Faust brought a few people back from the dead. Specifically, she saved Luna's boyfriend and three random SIRENs. All Sunset's friends who got murdered for DR's ritual stay dead, though. Fuck them, I guess.

 

And finally, some weird shit has gone down. Twilight's house now includes the ultimate /mlk/ bunker, loaded with guns, ammo, and a portal to Equestria. Now, that means at some point, at least several months ago, Night and Velvet approved a plan, proposed by their more-or-less ordinary teenage daughters, to build a secret bunker under their house and fill it with (I assume) military-grade weaponry. They also had to acquire a giant horse mirror and stash that down there, too. Best of all, this suggests the "30 and a horse" talk actually happened a while ago, making it (unbelievably) even less relevant to the story.

 

 

Can't wait for GAOA. It can't possibly be stupider than this, can it?

 

 

 

More random bullshit.

 

Ponk continues being even more psycho than usual. Even the other characters in-universe want her to shut the fuck up about how much she wants to bang Sunset. Sunset figures out that while Faust was screwing with reality, a "quantum string" from an AU where Pinkie and Sunset are married got loose and stuck to 7DSJ Pinkie. Sunset offers to remove it, but Pinkie, being completely insane, refuses. She does promise to tone it down in the future, though.

 

Surprise! Some random chick Sunset talked to once in book 4 turns out to be the daughter of the grandmaster of the Ordo Whateverthefuck, from that side story where the other PiE goes to college in Michigan. Dear old dad's having a fantastic day. That poser Divine Right is dead, Faust has gotten herself b& from reality, and best of all, he finally gets to kill the cute intern he's been all-but-fucking for months. (He couldn't actually fuck her, obviously, because she has to be a virgin for the sacrifice. But "there’s more than one way a man can enjoy a woman’s body".)

 

Now, the best part: a tour of the guns 'n' mirrors bunker! It's roughly 1000 sq ft, by my estimate, and contains: weightlifting equipment, a shooting range, a workstation with unspecified "lab equipment", weapon racks, a "BAE Valanx" with "M2 .50 machine gun" (wonder if Velvet knows about that one?), tools for maintaining the Valanx, and a big fancy command console with a bunch of computers and shit. It's also got a portal room, protected by 12-inch-thick steel blast doors, and loaded with defenses to automatically gas, incinerate, and/or blow up anyone who tries to break in (from either side).

 

Oh yeah, and Sunset tries to send a message home via dragonfire candle, but it fucking explodes and nearly kills everybody. Seems the interdimensional leyline is busted. Might fix itself in a few days, or it might stay broken so BlueBastard has an excuse to keep Berry Sue around for all of GAOA.

 

 

* No.32455440

wat

 

wat

How did they get this bunker? Where is it? How did they pay for it? Can you even buy a Valanx?

 

* No.32455461

Under Twilight's house

 

Oh yeah, funny story. I had some similar questions when Sonata mentioned in the previous chapter that she had built a secret guns + mirrors bunker under the house. Turns out, "I built this" really means "I remember building this", when in fact nobody built it, in either timeline. Faust hacked it directly into existence while she was editing the timeline, then implanted Sonata with memories of designing and building the thing so she would know how to maintain it. This answers your questions, I think, but at the expense of raising a whole lot more.

 

 

 

Hey look, it's fucking nothing

 

 

There's only about 5 more chapters until this ends and GAOA starts. Maybe something will happen then.

 

 

 

Dammit, dude. I'm supposed to be on vacation and instead I'm here giving myself brain damage.

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck, lads. I want to say we've reached peak contrivance, but honestly I doubt this is even the worst we've seen in this series.

 

 

 

Oh fuck, I'm three chapters behind

 

Bunch of shit happens in Equestria:

 

Other shit happens on earth:

 

[spoiler]Half this shit actually happened in either chapter 18 or 20. But the main parts of 18 and 20 were both stupid enough to get their own posts.[/spoiler]

 

 

 

We got a good one here

 

Sunset talks to Rose, the crazy bitch who showed up naked in Sunset's room one day. At the time, Rose swore off her psycho, stalkerish ways, but something something timehax, she's back at it and is now here to give Pinkie a run for her money.

 

Rose is in full stalker mode due to being recently single. A while back, she confessed to her boyfriend Ward that she really desperately wanted to fuck Sunset's brains out, he made some kind of joke about mind-control date-raping the both of them for a threesome, and she broke up with him.

 

Well, Sunset's already got one nutjob throwing herself at her [spoiler]Ponk, who by the way took the kiss in the last chapter as license to try to make out with Sunset constantly in public[/spoiler]; she doesn't need another. She talks Ward into apologizing to Rose, hoping the two of them will get back together (and that Rose will leave her the fuck alone). I guess it works because the plot promptly charges off in a totally different direction.

 

While talking to Ward, Sunset finds out that Boysenberry, Ward's sister (and Rose's girlfriend) in the old timeline, doesn't exist in the new one. So now Sunset is all broken up, having nightmares and shit, because "Boysenberry is dead because of me". (When, in fact, Boysenberry is dead because Sunset's overpowered grandmother can't leave well enough alone.)

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Turns out half this chapter was about giving the post-timehax version of the events in some random side story nobody's ever read!

 

And in conclusion, I hope Ponk gets hit by a bus. The resulting chapters about the 11M8 (sorry, the 10M8) grieving would suck, I'm sure, but they can't possibly be as bad chapter after chapter of Pinkie's outrageously over-the-top hitting on an uninterested Sunset. We've had like 10 chapters of this now and every time it happens I wish I could stop reading this awful fucking fic.

 

 

 

 

Sunset becomes a princess (again)! Everyone goes to meet the Bonapartes' lawyer to finalize the paperwork. But, surprise! The lawyer (Contempt O'Court, which is honestly a pretty good name) actually works for Divine Right's branch of the family, and all the papers he brought just say "fuck you, Sunset gets nothing". However, after some merciless bullying at the hands of a 16-year-old girl (Human Edition), Sunset instead ends up with official recognition as a Bonaparte and also half of Human Edition's massive inheritance.

 

Human Edition gets magic! She has a magic surge in the middle of the night, requiring Sunset to tear all her clothes off and throw her into a cold shower before she overheats and explodes. Human Edition isn't too happy about all this magic business (meme related), since her prior exposure mostly consisted of kidnapping, human sacrifice, and demonic possession, but Sunset talks her into learning to use it properly.

 

Celestia pulls her head out of her ass! Pony Twilight gets clobbered by Sunset's tablet flying out of the mirror, which sucks, but then she sees the lock-screen photo starring Sunset and Berry Sue [spoiler]or Berry Sue's human counterpart, but nopony even considers that possibility[/spoiler], both alive and well. She goes straight to Celestia, who finally quits moping around and dials the sun back up to full brightness.

 

Two bad guys have a realistic business meeting! The grandmaster (a.k.a. "the Sphinx") meets with "Shokuden Shinosa, oyabun of the Satsuma Rengo-kai" (whatever that means). Afterward, each one gets a scene like this:

As far as I can tell, the only actual information conveyed is that SS's "treasure" (some chick he's trying to find) is herself trying to contact "the Chīkyū no Megami", which is moonrunes for Sunset Motherfucking Shimmer.

 

Hey, I'm all caught up now!

 

 

 

This ride's almost over, my dudes

 

At long last, Sunset gets adopted. Never mind that everyone involved either has a massive conflict of interest or spends the entire hearing lying through their teeth - the judge approves it, and Sunset is officially part of the family.

 

Now it's time to celebrate! All Sunset's human friends show up and everyone has a great time. Ponk and Rose even manage to refrain from murdering each other. (Sunset's attempt to get Rose back together with Ward didn't work, I guess, and Rose is still in stalker mode.) By the way, we also get an official name for the 8M8 + Dazzlings + Berry Sue: the "majestic twelve". I don't know if this is a reference to the real-life MJ-12, but either way, I like it.

 

After the party, Sunset and Twilight (Pony Edition) work on stabilizing the mirror so Berry Sue can go home. But first, Berry Sue gets more Berry Sue-ish. Sunset permanently binds the magic Berry "borrowed" from Divine Right so Berry won't lose it, and as a side effect, she can now shapeshift into human form any time she wants while in Equestria.

 

MJ-12 arranges for Sunset Shimmer's body double to be transported out of the country. [spoiler]Or, if you prefer: the 11M8 take Human Edition to the airport.[/spoiler] Ponk tries her usual shit, but the M5 hold her back and lecture her about not acting like a god damn psychopath. Ponk ragequits and goes home to fuck herself silly, then cleans herself up and drags Sunset off for a "chat". It goes about as well as all their other chats, because Sunset is literally afraid to tell Ponk they aren't dating due to Ponk's severe mental instability.

 

Finally, Sunset gets a note from Raven (Pony Edition). Sunset is set to be coronated as the Equestrian "Princess of Seekers", whatever the hell that means. Celestia has also approved the formation of the "Special Initiative, Royal Equestrian Navy" (guess who the founding members are) to serve as Sunset's personal guard.

 

Just one chapter to go!

 

 

 

It's the first day of school.

 

Twilight, Octavia, and the Dazzlings are at Zacherle, the fancy private girls' school. Twilight, with her newfound confidence [spoiler]I'm not sure where she found it but she's definitely got it now[/spoiler], cements her position as queen bee by BTFOing Suri Polomare and giving a really great speech at the school-wide assembly. The girls also meet Phoenix Temple's young cousin, Ribby, which is short for Raspberry Beryl (Human Edition). Naturally, Ribby has an extremely tragic (but otherwise completely vague) backstory. She's also got self-esteem issues that put even Fluttershy to shame.

 

The other six go to Canterlot High, in a limo provided by Discord. Discord himself goes with them and gives them a grand introduction, to make sure not a single person on campus misses the arrival of the six most important students in the school. This extravagant showing-off makes them all extremely popular, just as you might expect if you had never been inside a high school in your entire life. Also, Sunset gives Flash a dirty look, which completely abolishes her eternal shame at having once let him fuck her right in the pussy, and everyone congratulates her afterward.

 

Speaking of fucking, everyone wants to fuck Sunset. Specifically, 32 other students ask her for a date, sex, marriage, or some combination thereof, just in the time before lunch. I'm sure Ponk will demand a list of names at some point - that info will be useful for planning the inevitable school shooting.

 

At Canterlot High's assembly after lunch, Fluttershy proves that she has overcome her shyness by giving a mini rock concert in front of the entire school. The entire audience, being made up of average high school students, is of course ecstatic at being required to sit through this bit of mandatory fun, and Fluttershy gets a standing ovation at the end.

 

 

 

 

Finally, the sequel hook. Some guy in Japan doesn't open his shop. The "Satsuma Rengo-kai" killed a friend of his who warned him that the bad guys are coming for "her", so he plans to flee the city. He's taking "her" to Hakodate, the bad guys' home town, since surely they will never even consider watching for "her" there. He also decides to contact Sunset, the "Chīkyū no Megami", which he does by sending Sunset and all of her friends a creepy dream that freaks everybody out.

 

More finally, the other sequel hook. Berry Sue, now back in Equestria, visits a village where the old fake gemstone problem is even worse than usual. This one spawned a crystal tree the size of Twilight's castle. The local mayor speculates that it's due to the proximity of the "Hungerstones", long-lost artifacts once used by the evil queen buried in the also-long-lost "Frozen Tomb". But nobody knows anything about either, so I guess it's time to investigate...

 

THE END

 

--

 

Holy shit, guys, it's finally over. We never got that wizard war, or even much of Sunset seriously working to hide magic from her family. But at last, after a million words of shitty contrived drama, my suffering is at an end.

 

...for about two weeks, and then phase 3, "Golden Age of Apocalypse", kicks off.