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Death's Epilogue (10/18/2015)

By DisgruntledAnon
Created: 2020-12-24 22:42:05
Expiry: Never
ocsafegeneralpersonamlp:slam

  1. 1.
    >Death.
  2. 2.
    >Death is change.
  3. 3.
    >Death is the end.
  4. 4.
    >Death is the beginning.
  5. 5.
    >Death is the GREATEST MAN ALIVE!
  6. 6.
    >From the window that pears into the interdimensional void a blue sun in the shape of a skull descends from the nothingness.
  7. 7.
    >The blue light shines into the window and onto a magnifying glass that's tilied over a string.
  8. 8.
    >The light is amplified and burns through the string, which causes the ball it was attached to roll onto a track.
  9. 9.
    >The ball rolls down a long windy rail before exiting off at a desk and crashing into a small toy car.
  10. 10.
    >The momentum from the ball causes the car to go flying off the desk and land directly on my alarm next to my bed.
  11. 11.
    >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwiuR6SLy-0
  12. 12.
    >I awake.
  13. 13.
    "First fo- wait shit, I'm alone now."
  14. 14.
    >Damn I had a good one thought up too.
  15. 15.
    >Oh well.
  16. 16.
    >I throw off my sheets, revealing my already suited up body.
  17. 17.
    >Sleeping in clothes saves a ton of time when you're on a tight schedule like me.
  18. 18.
    >I enter my bathroom and grab a burrito from the medicine cabinet.
  19. 19.
    >Taking a bite, I walk to the tub and grab a measuring cup on top of the massive pile of sugar in the tub.
  20. 20.
    >Having all I need, I head for my door and exit my 'home'...
  21. 21.
    >...And end up outside of a outhouse nearby Fluttershy's cottage.
  22. 22.
    >You see after we all made it back into Equestria as our separate beings most of us ended up with living with the ones we had the closest bond with.
  23. 23.
    >Sadly not all of us had a place to stay.
  24. 24.
    >First day in Equestria I was a homeless man.
  25. 25.
    >But thankfully since Discord gained all of his power back after Luna removed that pesky headband he was able to help me out.
  26. 26.
    >And thus he turned this outhouse into my house.
  27. 27.
    >Basically half the time when you open the door you either get a very run down toilet or the entrance to my killer pad in the chaos void.
  28. 28.
    >I call it Schrodinger's Shitter.
  29. 29.
    >Anyway I walk up to the cottage and give the door my signature three quick knocks.
  30. 30.
    "HEY TEMPERANCE! FLUTTERSHY! YOU HOME?"
  31. 31.
    >I hear a distance 'Fuck me not again' as the sound of footsteps gets closer before the door opens.
  32. 32.
    >"Good morning, Death."
  33. 33.
    >"Hello Mary."
  34. 34.
    >I open my mouth to speak but Temperance holds his hand up.
  35. 35.
    >"Let me guess. You need to borrow a cup of sugar."
  36. 36.
    >I grin
  37. 37.
    "You know it!"
  38. 38.
    >"Well your answer is no. Goodbye."
  39. 39.
    >"Temperance! Death is our friend. Of course he can borrow some sugar."
  40. 40.
    >"Shy he's been borrowing exactly one cup sugar every single fucking day! If he needs more he can buy it himself!"
  41. 41.
    "I can't afford it."
  42. 42.
    >"You hear that? It would be cruel of us not to help him out!"
  43. 43.
    >"He's clearly lying! And even if he isn't what the hell he is even doing with all of that sugar?"
  44. 44.
    "I bake."
  45. 45.
    >I feel Temperance staring at me behind his mask.
  46. 46.
    >"You bake."
  47. 47.
    "Affirmative."
  48. 48.
    >"..."
  49. 49.
    "..."
  50. 50.
    >"..."
  51. 51.
    "..."
  52. 52.
    >"Just take it."
  53. 53.
    "THANK YOU!"
  54. 54.
    >I reach for a hug but all I get is a box of sugar to the face and a door slammed.
  55. 55.
    >I pour the contents of the box into my pocket and toss the box.
  56. 56.
    >This actually reminds me of that time wh-
  57. 57.
    >"Monologuing in your head again, Death?"
  58. 58.
    "Man, I told you not to interrupt my train of thought!"
  59. 59.
    >"Well excuuse me! I'll just be taking my leave."
  60. 60.
    "No no no! Dis, wait! I needed to speak to you anyway. Do you got the 'stuff'"
  61. 61.
    >"Yes yes, I have all sorts of recreational drugs."
  62. 62.
    >A coat appears on Discord's body and he opens it up.
  63. 63.
    >"What's your fancy today? Weed? Shrooms? They all cost a badger."
  64. 64.
    "What? No! I meant the letters!"
  65. 65.
    >"Oh right. That."
  66. 66.
    >A stack of envelopes appear in his hand.
  67. 67.
    "Yes you got them!"
  68. 68.
    >"Of course I did. It was a simple task for one as magnificent as myself."
  69. 69.
    >"Mhmm"
  70. 70.
    >I grab a letter and lightly open it.
  71. 71.
    >COME ON AN-
  72. 72.
    >I close it.
  73. 73.
    >It's perfect.
  74. 74.
    >How Discord was able to embed youtube links to paper I have no idea.
  75. 75.
    >I wonder if I can get him to print out some gifs for me.
  76. 76.
    >Actually if he does I cou-
  77. 77.
    >"Monologuing."
  78. 78.
    "Fuck you!"
  79. 79.
    >"By the by I quite like that image you have of me in your head, but I think I can make it better."
  80. 80.
    "What?"
  81. 81.
    >...
  82. 82.
    >I burst out laughing.
  83. 83.
    "Holy shit."
  84. 84.
    >"Oh you enjoyed that? Well you haven't seen nothing yet!"
  85. 85.
    >Discord prepares to do something but I stop him.
  86. 86.
    "Hehehaha.... That was funny but I can't stick around. I gotta carry out our plan."
  87. 87.
    >"Oh alright. Give those green men a good slamming for me. Ta ta!"
  88. 88.
    >Discord slams himself out of existence.
  89. 89.
    >...
  90. 90.
    >I'm not really sure what I just described either but he's gone.
  91. 91.
    >Anyway off to my first stop.
  92. 92.
    >Tower and Lovers house!
  93. 93.
    >Arriving at my destination I give the door my signature knock.
  94. 94.
    >"Oh hello Death. What bring you hear this morning?"
  95. 95.
    "Yo Trix! Is Tower here? I wanted to speak to him."
  96. 96.
    >"He's currently passed out in bed."
  97. 97.
    "Oh I see. Well I actually had this letter for him. Mind if I just leave it in the study?"
  98. 98.
    >"Sure go ahead, he won't mind."
  99. 99.
    >With that, Trixie leaves me to my own devices.
  100. 100.
    >Major mistake.
  101. 101.
    >He's gonna mind alright.
  102. 102.
    >Thankfully due to my habit of breaking into houses for the hell of it, I already know the layout of the place and quickly find the study.
  103. 103.
    >Once in the study I pull out the letter and look for a good place to put it.
  104. 104.
    >Then I notice something on the desk.
  105. 105.
    >Tower's mask.
  106. 106.
    "Oh man."
  107. 107.
    >The things I could do with that!
  108. 108.
    >Giggling, I take the mask and put the letter in it's place.
  109. 109.
    >Sure this isn't apart of the plan but man I can't pass this chance up.
  110. 110.
    >Anyway that's one down. Next is Justice.
  111. 111.
    >I quickly make my exit.
  112. 112.
    https://youtu.be/_MCcKyyptuM?list=PL3tZU636q_oo67AfXJAv96LT_vyIqUbka [Embed]
  113. 113.
    >"MMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY!"
  114. 114.
    >Guess Tower woke up.
  115. 115.
    >Better skedaddle
  116. 116.
    >I make my way to Sugarcube Corner and enter.
  117. 117.
    >...
  118. 118.
    >And exit.
  119. 119.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XYBy1vCRQg
  120. 120.
    >"Son of a BITCH, MARY!"
  121. 121.
    >Kek.
  122. 122.
    >Next one.
  123. 123.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_XoXeSy8eM
  124. 124.
    >"MOTHERFUCKER"
  125. 125.
    >Next!
  126. 126.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCeovAd7iOQ
  127. 127.
    >"You think that's funny Death? DON'T FORGET WHO PUT YOU IN THE RAPE CHAMBER!"
  128. 128.
    >N-n-n-next!
  129. 129.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovWk0ODCExs
  130. 130.
    >"WHY IS THIS IN MY CLOSET!"
  131. 131.
    >Keep going!
  132. 132.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA1hO7YfDvU
  133. 133.
    >"I'M GONNA KILL YOU DEATH!"
  134. 134.
    >Good luck! I'm behind seven proxies!
  135. 135.
    "Man I should I have said that."
  136. 136.
    >Damn.
  137. 137.
    >Anyway I'm currently crawling in Hanged Man vents to carefully place this letter above him.
  138. 138.
    >I can see him scribbling in something below me.
  139. 139.
    >I carefully tie the letter to a string and slowly descend it.
  140. 140.
    >"HAY-"
  141. 141.
    >SHIT!
  142. 142.
    >I pull it up.
  143. 143.
    >"-HANGED MAN WE'RE GOING ON A MARY RAID. YOU WANT IN?"
  144. 144.
    >"Ok, What did he do this time?"
  145. 145.
    >"SOMETHING ABOUT SLAMMING TOWER EVERYONE'S AFTER HIM. NO ONE KNOWS WHO HE WILL SLAM NEXT."
  146. 146.
    >"Yeah I'll be there in just a sec."
  147. 147.
    >Aw fuck.
  148. 148.
    >This wasn't apart of the plan.
  149. 149.
    >Okay okay. As long as I can make it back home I'm pretty much homefree.
  150. 150.
    >I make my way back out of the vents and to the outside.
  151. 151.
    >"I SEE HIM! HE'S CRAWLING OUT OF HANGED MAN'S PLACE!"
  152. 152.
    >FUCK
  153. 153.
    >I make a break for it and dart to the nearest allyway.
  154. 154.
    >"HE WENT THAT WAY!"
  155. 155.
    "NOT GONNA CATCH ME!"
  156. 156.
    >I make it to the otherside and into a crowd of ponies.
  157. 157.
    >Thank god most pones are small enough to jump right over.
  158. 158.
    >"Hey!"
  159. 159.
    "Sorry!"
  160. 160.
    >"Watch it!"
  161. 161.
    "Excuse me!"
  162. 162.
    >"Do it that again!"
  163. 163.
    "Not today Lyra!"
  164. 164.
    >As I'm hopping I take a look behind me and see the masked Legion of men making their way towards me with surprising speed.
  165. 165.
    "CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?"
  166. 166.
    >"YOU'RE DEAD MEAT MARY!"
  167. 167.
    "ROOD!"
  168. 168.
    >Fuck they're gaining on me.
  169. 169.
    >My eyes dart around and I spot Purplesmart's castle.
  170. 170.
    >IDEA!
  171. 171.
    >I start making my way towards there...
  172. 172.
    >When a green man jumps from nowhere infront of me!
  173. 173.
    >"I GOT YOU!"
  174. 174.
    "NOT TODAY!"
  175. 175.
    >I move my hand faster than I knew I could and reach for my pocket.
  176. 176.
    "POCKET SUGAR!"
  177. 177.
    >"FUCK MY EYES!"
  178. 178.
    "NOTHIN PERSONELL MAGICIAN!"
  179. 179.
    >I make my way past him and finally arrive at my destination.
  180. 180.
    >I pull out Tower's Mask and equip it.
  181. 181.
    >Five steps into the castle and I'm greeted by Twilight.
  182. 182.
    >"Oh hello Tower. What's up?"
  183. 183.
    "I'm just here to pick up a spellbook for this new performance me and Trixie are doing. Mind if I grab it?"
  184. 184.
    >Please don't notice I'm not him.
  185. 185.
    >I can feel the gods roll a d20 in the heavens.
  186. 186.
    >"Oh sure no problem. Do you need help finding it? I got nothing better to do since Priestess ran out to join some 'raid'"
  187. 187.
    >I feel like I just got myself A NAT 20 BABY!
  188. 188.
    "No I got it, thanks."
  189. 189.
    >I quickly turn the corner when I hear my pursuers bust in.
  190. 190.
    >"TWILIGHT YOU SEEN DEATH?"
  191. 191.
    >"No but I did just see Tower."
  192. 192.
    >"HE'S USING TOWERS MASK. WHICH WAY DID HE GO?"
  193. 193.
    >FUCK!
  194. 194.
    >I start sprinting down the hallway.
  195. 195.
    >I make many twists and turns while slowly heading upwards...
  196. 196.
    >And on to the roof.
  197. 197.
    >Fuck there's no exit from here.
  198. 198.
    >I'm trapped.
  199. 199.
    >I make my way to the edge.
  200. 200.
    >Man it's a nice view from up here.
  201. 201.
    >All those ponies look like ants.
  202. 202.
    >Speaking of ants I-
  203. 203.
    >"Mooooooonooooolooooguing..." A familiar voice whispers from nowhere.
  204. 204.
    >Quit interrupting my thoughts!
  205. 205.
    >Fuck, what was I thinking about?
  206. 206.
    >"MARY!"
  207. 207.
    >SHIT!
  208. 208.
    >I turn around.
  209. 209.
    >"THERE'S NO PLACE TO RUN!"
  210. 210.
    >"TIME TO GET SOME PAYBACK!"
  211. 211.
    >"I WANT MY MASK BACK DAMN IT!"
  212. 212.
    "Uh. I'm sorry?"
  213. 213.
    >"LIKE HELL YOU ARE!"
  214. 214.
    >"WE'RE GONNA TIE YOU UP LIKE A PINATA AND BEAT YOU!"
  215. 215.
    >"AND THEN I'M THROWING YOU IN THE RAPE DUNGEON!"
  216. 216.
    "Ha! I know for a fact that only existed inside Anon! It doesn't exist anymore!"
  217. 217.
    >"WE ALL RECREATED IT BEFORE HUNTING YOU DOWN!"
  218. 218.
    >...
  219. 219.
    "FUCK!"
  220. 220.
    >I turn around and jump off the roof.
  221. 221.
    >Death is better than going back in there.
  222. 222.
    >"OH SHIT HE JUMPED!"
  223. 223.
    >Is the last thing I hear as the howling wind blocks all sound.
  224. 224.
    >Well this is it.
  225. 225.
    >My ending.
  226. 226.
    >Never thought I would die like this.
  227. 227.
    >Huh.
  228. 228.
    >Facing my own Death is kinda peaceful.
  229. 229.
    >I wonder if it's gonna hurt?
  230. 230.
    >My life starts to flash before my eyes...
  231. 231.
    >I'm at a bar drinking with my main man Discord.
  232. 232.
    "So what did you drag me out here to say?"
  233. 233.
    >"I finally figured it out."
  234. 234.
    "Figured what?"
  235. 235.
    >"Why hot dogs come in packages of ten, but hot dog buns only come in packages of just eight!"
  236. 236.
    >"See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan so be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog!"
  237. 237.
    "Oh. That makes sense."
  238. 238.
    >I take a sip of my drink.
  239. 239.
    >...
  240. 240.
    >Wait.
  241. 241.
    "That makes no sense! Why did you drag me out here just to say that and actually, what the hell are we doing at a bar? I don't even drink!"
  242. 242.
    >"Oh Death lighten up! You're about to go splat on the ground in a couple seconds. Why not enjoy your last moments with me?"
  243. 243.
    "What?"
  244. 244.
    >Oh shit wait.
  245. 245.
    >This is my flashback.
  246. 246.
    >I guess that explains why everything's black and white.
  247. 247.
    >Man it's like a Noir flim in here.
  248. 248.
    >I just wanna put on a fedora an-
  249. 249.
    >...
  250. 250.
    "Not gonna stop me?"
  251. 251.
    >"Stop you from what?"
  252. 252.
    "God damn it. Nevermind."
  253. 253.
    >"Anyway I should get to the real point here."
  254. 254.
    >Discord hands me a small orb.
  255. 255.
    >"Use that to get out of this sticky situation. Chao!"
  256. 256.
    "Huh? Wait how do I-"
  257. 257.
    >I snap out of it and my fall resumes.
  258. 258.
    >I look at my hand and somehow I'm still holding the orb.
  259. 259.
    >The ground is approaching quickly.
  260. 260.
    >By instinct I take the orb and smash it right at the spot I'm gonna land!
  261. 261.
    >A portal rips open in spacetime...
  262. 262.
    "BAAAAAANZAAAAAI!"
  263. 263.
    >And I fall through it.
  264. 264.
    >On the other side I notice I'm still falling.
  265. 265.
    >Which would be bad if there was still ground underneath me.
  266. 266.
    >Now there's just the local lake waiting to break my fall.
  267. 267.
    "BASED DISCORD!"
  268. 268.
    "DEEAAAAATHHH WINS AGAIN!"
  269. 269.
    >Laughing, I do a cannonball and make a massive splash.
  270. 270.
    >I'm quickly submerged in water and start sinking.
  271. 271.
    >I better swim up to th-
  272. 272.
    >Oh shit!
  273. 273.
    >I forgot!
  274. 274.
    >I can't swim!
  275. 275.
     
  276. 276.
    MARY DROWNED
  277. 277.
     
  278. 278.
    And was probably rescued by someone later.
  279. 279.
     
  280. 280.
    THE END

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