GREEN
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2123 11.38 KB 280
2123 11.38 KB 280
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>Death.
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>Death is change.
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>Death is the end.
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>Death is the beginning.
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>Death is the GREATEST MAN ALIVE!
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>From the window that pears into the interdimensional void a blue sun in the shape of a skull descends from the nothingness.
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>The blue light shines into the window and onto a magnifying glass that's tilied over a string.
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>The light is amplified and burns through the string, which causes the ball it was attached to roll onto a track.
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>The ball rolls down a long windy rail before exiting off at a desk and crashing into a small toy car.
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>The momentum from the ball causes the car to go flying off the desk and land directly on my alarm next to my bed.
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>I awake.
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"First fo- wait shit, I'm alone now."
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>Damn I had a good one thought up too.
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>Oh well.
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>I throw off my sheets, revealing my already suited up body.
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>Sleeping in clothes saves a ton of time when you're on a tight schedule like me.
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>I enter my bathroom and grab a burrito from the medicine cabinet.
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>Taking a bite, I walk to the tub and grab a measuring cup on top of the massive pile of sugar in the tub.
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>Having all I need, I head for my door and exit my 'home'...
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>...And end up outside of a outhouse nearby Fluttershy's cottage.
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>You see after we all made it back into Equestria as our separate beings most of us ended up with living with the ones we had the closest bond with.
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>Sadly not all of us had a place to stay.
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>First day in Equestria I was a homeless man.
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>But thankfully since Discord gained all of his power back after Luna removed that pesky headband he was able to help me out.
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>And thus he turned this outhouse into my house.
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>Basically half the time when you open the door you either get a very run down toilet or the entrance to my killer pad in the chaos void.
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>I call it Schrodinger's Shitter.
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>Anyway I walk up to the cottage and give the door my signature three quick knocks.
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"HEY TEMPERANCE! FLUTTERSHY! YOU HOME?"
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>I hear a distance 'Fuck me not again' as the sound of footsteps gets closer before the door opens.
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>"Good morning, Death."
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>"Hello Mary."
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>I open my mouth to speak but Temperance holds his hand up.
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>"Let me guess. You need to borrow a cup of sugar."
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>I grin
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"You know it!"
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>"Well your answer is no. Goodbye."
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>"Temperance! Death is our friend. Of course he can borrow some sugar."
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>"Shy he's been borrowing exactly one cup sugar every single fucking day! If he needs more he can buy it himself!"
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"I can't afford it."
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>"You hear that? It would be cruel of us not to help him out!"
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>"He's clearly lying! And even if he isn't what the hell he is even doing with all of that sugar?"
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"I bake."
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>I feel Temperance staring at me behind his mask.
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>"You bake."
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"Affirmative."
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>"..."
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"..."
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>"..."
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"..."
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>"Just take it."
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"THANK YOU!"
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>I reach for a hug but all I get is a box of sugar to the face and a door slammed.
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>I pour the contents of the box into my pocket and toss the box.
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>This actually reminds me of that time wh-
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>"Monologuing in your head again, Death?"
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"Man, I told you not to interrupt my train of thought!"
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>"Well excuuse me! I'll just be taking my leave."
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"No no no! Dis, wait! I needed to speak to you anyway. Do you got the 'stuff'"
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>"Yes yes, I have all sorts of recreational drugs."
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>A coat appears on Discord's body and he opens it up.
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>"What's your fancy today? Weed? Shrooms? They all cost a badger."
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"What? No! I meant the letters!"
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>"Oh right. That."
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>A stack of envelopes appear in his hand.
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"Yes you got them!"
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>"Of course I did. It was a simple task for one as magnificent as myself."
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>"Mhmm"
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>I grab a letter and lightly open it.
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>COME ON AN-
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>I close it.
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>It's perfect.
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>How Discord was able to embed youtube links to paper I have no idea.
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>I wonder if I can get him to print out some gifs for me.
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>Actually if he does I cou-
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>"Monologuing."
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"Fuck you!"
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>"By the by I quite like that image you have of me in your head, but I think I can make it better."
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"What?"
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>...
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>I burst out laughing.
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"Holy shit."
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>"Oh you enjoyed that? Well you haven't seen nothing yet!"
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>Discord prepares to do something but I stop him.
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"Hehehaha.... That was funny but I can't stick around. I gotta carry out our plan."
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>"Oh alright. Give those green men a good slamming for me. Ta ta!"
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>Discord slams himself out of existence.
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>...
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>I'm not really sure what I just described either but he's gone.
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>Anyway off to my first stop.
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>Tower and Lovers house!
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>Arriving at my destination I give the door my signature knock.
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>"Oh hello Death. What bring you hear this morning?"
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"Yo Trix! Is Tower here? I wanted to speak to him."
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>"He's currently passed out in bed."
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"Oh I see. Well I actually had this letter for him. Mind if I just leave it in the study?"
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>"Sure go ahead, he won't mind."
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>With that, Trixie leaves me to my own devices.
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>Major mistake.
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>He's gonna mind alright.
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>Thankfully due to my habit of breaking into houses for the hell of it, I already know the layout of the place and quickly find the study.
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>Once in the study I pull out the letter and look for a good place to put it.
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>Then I notice something on the desk.
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>Tower's mask.
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"Oh man."
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>The things I could do with that!
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>Giggling, I take the mask and put the letter in it's place.
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>Sure this isn't apart of the plan but man I can't pass this chance up.
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>Anyway that's one down. Next is Justice.
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>I quickly make my exit.
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>"MMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY!"
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>Guess Tower woke up.
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>Better skedaddle
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>I make my way to Sugarcube Corner and enter.
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>...
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>And exit.
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>"Son of a BITCH, MARY!"
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>Kek.
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>Next one.
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>"MOTHERFUCKER"
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>Next!
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>"You think that's funny Death? DON'T FORGET WHO PUT YOU IN THE RAPE CHAMBER!"
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>N-n-n-next!
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>"WHY IS THIS IN MY CLOSET!"
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>Keep going!
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>"I'M GONNA KILL YOU DEATH!"
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>Good luck! I'm behind seven proxies!
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"Man I should I have said that."
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>Damn.
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>Anyway I'm currently crawling in Hanged Man vents to carefully place this letter above him.
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>I can see him scribbling in something below me.
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>I carefully tie the letter to a string and slowly descend it.
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>"HAY-"
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>SHIT!
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>I pull it up.
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>"-HANGED MAN WE'RE GOING ON A MARY RAID. YOU WANT IN?"
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>"Ok, What did he do this time?"
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>"SOMETHING ABOUT SLAMMING TOWER EVERYONE'S AFTER HIM. NO ONE KNOWS WHO HE WILL SLAM NEXT."
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>"Yeah I'll be there in just a sec."
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>Aw fuck.
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>This wasn't apart of the plan.
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>Okay okay. As long as I can make it back home I'm pretty much homefree.
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>I make my way back out of the vents and to the outside.
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>"I SEE HIM! HE'S CRAWLING OUT OF HANGED MAN'S PLACE!"
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>FUCK
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>I make a break for it and dart to the nearest allyway.
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>"HE WENT THAT WAY!"
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"NOT GONNA CATCH ME!"
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>I make it to the otherside and into a crowd of ponies.
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>Thank god most pones are small enough to jump right over.
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>"Hey!"
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"Sorry!"
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>"Watch it!"
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"Excuse me!"
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>"Do it that again!"
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"Not today Lyra!"
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>As I'm hopping I take a look behind me and see the masked Legion of men making their way towards me with surprising speed.
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"CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?"
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>"YOU'RE DEAD MEAT MARY!"
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"ROOD!"
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>Fuck they're gaining on me.
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>My eyes dart around and I spot Purplesmart's castle.
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>IDEA!
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>I start making my way towards there...
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>When a green man jumps from nowhere infront of me!
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>"I GOT YOU!"
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"NOT TODAY!"
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>I move my hand faster than I knew I could and reach for my pocket.
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"POCKET SUGAR!"
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>"FUCK MY EYES!"
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"NOTHIN PERSONELL MAGICIAN!"
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>I make my way past him and finally arrive at my destination.
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>I pull out Tower's Mask and equip it.
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>Five steps into the castle and I'm greeted by Twilight.
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>"Oh hello Tower. What's up?"
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"I'm just here to pick up a spellbook for this new performance me and Trixie are doing. Mind if I grab it?"
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>Please don't notice I'm not him.
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>I can feel the gods roll a d20 in the heavens.
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>"Oh sure no problem. Do you need help finding it? I got nothing better to do since Priestess ran out to join some 'raid'"
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>I feel like I just got myself A NAT 20 BABY!
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"No I got it, thanks."
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>I quickly turn the corner when I hear my pursuers bust in.
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>"TWILIGHT YOU SEEN DEATH?"
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>"No but I did just see Tower."
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>"HE'S USING TOWERS MASK. WHICH WAY DID HE GO?"
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>FUCK!
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>I start sprinting down the hallway.
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>I make many twists and turns while slowly heading upwards...
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>And on to the roof.
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>Fuck there's no exit from here.
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>I'm trapped.
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>I make my way to the edge.
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>Man it's a nice view from up here.
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>All those ponies look like ants.
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>Speaking of ants I-
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>"Mooooooonooooolooooguing..." A familiar voice whispers from nowhere.
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>Quit interrupting my thoughts!
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>Fuck, what was I thinking about?
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>"MARY!"
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>SHIT!
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>I turn around.
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>"THERE'S NO PLACE TO RUN!"
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>"TIME TO GET SOME PAYBACK!"
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>"I WANT MY MASK BACK DAMN IT!"
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"Uh. I'm sorry?"
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>"LIKE HELL YOU ARE!"
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>"WE'RE GONNA TIE YOU UP LIKE A PINATA AND BEAT YOU!"
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>"AND THEN I'M THROWING YOU IN THE RAPE DUNGEON!"
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"Ha! I know for a fact that only existed inside Anon! It doesn't exist anymore!"
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>"WE ALL RECREATED IT BEFORE HUNTING YOU DOWN!"
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>...
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"FUCK!"
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>I turn around and jump off the roof.
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>Death is better than going back in there.
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>"OH SHIT HE JUMPED!"
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>Is the last thing I hear as the howling wind blocks all sound.
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>Well this is it.
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>My ending.
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>Never thought I would die like this.
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>Huh.
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>Facing my own Death is kinda peaceful.
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>I wonder if it's gonna hurt?
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>My life starts to flash before my eyes...
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>I'm at a bar drinking with my main man Discord.
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"So what did you drag me out here to say?"
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>"I finally figured it out."
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"Figured what?"
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>"Why hot dogs come in packages of ten, but hot dog buns only come in packages of just eight!"
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>"See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan so be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog!"
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"Oh. That makes sense."
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>I take a sip of my drink.
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>...
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>Wait.
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"That makes no sense! Why did you drag me out here just to say that and actually, what the hell are we doing at a bar? I don't even drink!"
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>"Oh Death lighten up! You're about to go splat on the ground in a couple seconds. Why not enjoy your last moments with me?"
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"What?"
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>Oh shit wait.
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>This is my flashback.
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>I guess that explains why everything's black and white.
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>Man it's like a Noir flim in here.
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>I just wanna put on a fedora an-
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>...
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"Not gonna stop me?"
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>"Stop you from what?"
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"God damn it. Nevermind."
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>"Anyway I should get to the real point here."
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>Discord hands me a small orb.
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>"Use that to get out of this sticky situation. Chao!"
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"Huh? Wait how do I-"
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>I snap out of it and my fall resumes.
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>I look at my hand and somehow I'm still holding the orb.
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>The ground is approaching quickly.
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>By instinct I take the orb and smash it right at the spot I'm gonna land!
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>A portal rips open in spacetime...
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"BAAAAAANZAAAAAI!"
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>And I fall through it.
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>On the other side I notice I'm still falling.
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>Which would be bad if there was still ground underneath me.
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>Now there's just the local lake waiting to break my fall.
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"BASED DISCORD!"
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"DEEAAAAATHHH WINS AGAIN!"
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>Laughing, I do a cannonball and make a massive splash.
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>I'm quickly submerged in water and start sinking.
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>I better swim up to th-
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>Oh shit!
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>I forgot!
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>I can't swim!
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MARY DROWNED
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And was probably rescued by someone later.
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THE END
by DisgruntledAnon
by DisgruntledAnon
by DisgruntledAnon
by DisgruntledAnon
by DisgruntledAnon