[RGRE] Courting Anon ch. 1-4


                                            >fuck's sake, we've gone from actual good green to band of brothers and making your no-no places look pretty.

                                            >i just wanted stories where anon is treated like a 1950's woman. now theres gems hot-glued to testicles, sparklers sticking out of mare's poopers, and whatever the fuck the other anons were talking about.

                                            >in fact, fuck it. i'm going to write a multi-post (multi-chapter?) story where this kind of shit is taken absolutely seriously.


                                            >IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT MLP


                                            >IS IT


                                            ch 1:

                                            ---

                                            >You are Anon, the only human in Equestria.

                                            >And AS the only human in Equestria, it has been decided that it is up to you to preserve your culture.

                                            >Princess Celestia, in exchange for citizenship and a nice little cabin, has just one request for you:

                                            >Meet up with her appointed writkeeper weekly in order to make sure that Humanity never dies in Equestria, and to share your species' development for the Princess's people to use and adapt.


                                            >Basically, share your tech or it's back into the Everfree Forest for you.


                                            >Naturally, you agreed.  You STILL walk with a bit of a limp from your stint in that forest, three months ago.


                                            >Anyway, today is the day you meet up with Twilight Sparkle, resident booksmith and keeper of knowledge.


                                            >You want to make it perfectly clear that you didn't come up with that.  That was straight-up how Twilight introduced herself to you.


                                            >She poofed up her chest and struck a pose and made her coat look all sparkly when she said that.  It was really cute and you couldn't keep yourself from smiling at the display.  Her little ears perked up when she saw your reaction, and she started treating you like a good friend after that.  Silly ponies.  You guess that was their version of a firm handshake.


                                            >Now, under normal circumstances you would be half-way to Twilight's fancy treehouse by now, but a certain mare is blocking your way.


                                            >Fucking flu-Wait, no, not today.


                                            >It's Rainbow Dash.

                                            >D'aww, she's all dressed up for you.

                                            >She's got a pair of really nice-looking wings coming out from below her tail.  They're coloured like her cutie mark, and have glitter and gems glued to them.

                                            >You don't know what she's doing here, but you like it already.

                                            >Without a word, Rainbow Dash flaps her wings a few times and gets up on her hind legs, and wobbles a few times before she catches her balance.  She purses her lips like she's about to start whistling and.....


                                            "Chiiii-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!"


                                            >The fuck is this shit.

                                            >She's chirping at you.  You know, like a bird would.  This is the most bizarre thing you've seen so far in magic horseland.

                                            >She spreads her wings out as wide as they'll go and starts hopping in place.  Her bedazzled ass-wings are shining in the morning sunlight, casting rainbows on the ground and in the air around her.

                                            >Honestly, as weird as this is, her performance is actually pretty impressive.

                                            >You look down her body to get a good look at her ass-wings and OOPS you get an eyefull of puffy, wet, horse cootchie.

                                            >Oh jeez, she's going to be SO PISSED you got a look at her privates, even IF they were on full display.

                                            >It reminds you a bit of the girls back on Earth.

                                            >If you didn't want me to stare at your ass, why did you put WORDS there?!


                                            >You look back up as quickly as you can.  Not once has Rainbow broken eye-contact with you.

                                            >You begin to sweat.  This dance has taken a really intense turn.

                                            >Maybe she didn't notice you were glanced at her no-no place.


                                            "Chiiiiiii-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!"


                                            >She has the biggest shit-eating grin on her face.  Fuck.

                                            >Now she's started to hop side-to-side, and the tips of her wings are fluttering at you.  You guess you encouraged her?  Or something?  You honestly still don't know what the fuck Rainbow's trying to accomplish here.

                                            >You swear to fucking god, this came out of NOWHERE.  Yesterday, the ponies were acting normally, like people would.  Now you got a tiny blue pony with wings coming out of her keister flashing her [spoiler]pink pony pussy[/spoiler] at you.


                                            >Maybe Twilight will understand if you decide to skip today's session.  She's always had your back when mares accosted you.  She'd stand in front of you and make herself all poofy, and that would scare the other pony off.  Apparently it isn't proper for a mare to just swipe her tail at a stallion, or something like that.  She and her friends were pretty peeved when that happened for the first time.

                                            >You're just about to turn around and get back inside when something yellow bursts from a nearby bush.


                                            >Fucking Fluttershy.


                                            >You brace yourself for impact, only for the colission to never arrive.

                                            >It seems that she's confronting Rainbow Dash instead.  And Fluttershy has her own weird outfit on too.  You had been hoping that this was just Rainbow being weird, but life is full of disappointments.

                                            >Aww, she's even got little ass-wings too.  Only they're not sparkly like Rainbow's are.  They're actually brown.  Brown and white and black and gray and oh shit that's fur.

                                            >You know that Fluttershy takes care of animals, so you guess you know where the fur came from.  After Rainbow's display, you're honestly a little worried that Fluttershy did something to her animals to get all that fur.  You wonder what dance is in store for you.

                                            >But no dance comes.  Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are both on their hind legs, circling each other.


                                            "Chii-chii-chii-chaaaaaaaaa" says the yellow one.


                                            "Chiii.... Chiii..... Chiiii" says the blue one, her tone make it clear that this was a warning.


                                            >Rainbow Dash looks seriously pissed right now.  Quick as a whip, she stomps over to Fluttershy and starts squaking aggressively at her.


                                            "Scha-scha-scha-scha-scha-scha-scha!"


                                            >Fluttershy takes a few steps back, but keeps on circling Rainbow.  Fluttershy retaliates by honking like a goose and trying to bite Rainbow Dash.

                                            >Them's fightin' words, apparently, because Rainbow Dash gets all up in Fluttershy's business, hissing at the yellow pony and hitting her with her wing-tips.

                                            >Fluttershy turns around, gets back on all-fours, and starts running away, with Dash in hot persuit.  She only chases her a few meters, though, before turning around and trotting up to you.

                                            >Aww, she looks so proud of herself.  After a display of dick-measuring like that, you eagerly comply when she raises her front hoofs in the universal sign of "uppies?"


                                            >You walk away with Rainbow Dash in your arms, nuzzling your neck and making happy bird noises.

                                            ---

                                            ch 2:

                                            ---

                                            >Still Anon

                                            >Still human

                                            >Still carrying Rainbow Dash

                                            >You've decided to take Rainbow Dash with you to Twilight's.

                                            >Maybe she can shed some light on what's going on.

                                            >You've got an inkling of what's happening, and you don't like it.

                                            >Rainbow chasing off Fluttershy was a pretty big clue.

                                            >You've watched the Discovery Channel.

                                            >And Mama didn't raise no horse-fucker.

                                            >For god's sake, it's been less than a year since you were trapped here.

                                            >It's too early to start seeing ponies like that.


                                            >You don't want to cum inside Rainbow Dash.


                                            >Suddenly, Rainbow's face is mashed against yours.

                                            >Like, she's not kissing you.

                                            >She's just rubbing your faces together.

                                            >You grab hold of her at the armpits, and hold her out in front of you at arm's length.


                                            "For fuck's sake, Rainbow Dash, lay off."


                                            >She makes a scrunchie face at you, but remains silent

                                            >Why the fuck aren't these ponies saying anything?


                                            "This has been a weird day, and I need some space, okay?"


                                            >Ah, the old "i need space" excuse.

                                            >You are intimately familiar with it.

                                            thatfeel.jpg

                                            >Rainbow Dash nods, so you let her down.

                                            >She quickly takes off and hovers in front of your face.

                                            >Her bedroom eyes give you a wink and she wiggles her rump at you. and you can see EVERYTHis that a butt plug.

                                            >That is one hundred percent a butt plug.

                                            >Dash's rainbow wings was a butt plug.

                                            >Why the fuck was she wearing aOHGOD FLUTTERSHY HAD A BUTT PLUG TOO

                                            >Aaaand off she goes.

                                            >......

                                            >Back down the way you just came.

                                            >In the direction of your house.

                                            >You hope you aren't horsemarried now.


                                            >You know what?  Fuck it.  Whatever.  You'll burn that bridge when you get to it.

                                            >You turn around and enter Twilight's house without knocking first.

                                            >Because it's a public library.

                                            >You don't have a chance to call out for Twilight

                                            >That's because she's standing right in front of you

                                            >Looking you dead in the eyes.


                                            >Not a single ass-wing in sight, though.

                                            >Thank Christ that's over.


                                            "Hey, Twilight, listen.  Let's maybe put this meeting off for now, okay?  There's some weird shit going on outside and OH FUCK"


                                            >You're blind!  You can't see!

                                            >Oh Jesus there's WHITE everywhere

                                            >This fucking nigger just flashbanged you!

                                            >Why would she DO that?!


                                            >It's a long couple of minutes before your vision returns to you.

                                            >No, you didn't panic.

                                            >No, you didn't cry a little.

                                            >Shut up.

                                            >Let's get a good look at Twilight now.


                                            >Dat chest tuft.

                                            >It looks like she stapled a shitty wig to her chest.

                                            >She's showing it off to you, looking so fucking proud of herself.

                                            >If she has a buttplug hidden somewhere you are going to slap Twilight so hard, you don't even know.

                                            >So hard Luna will ask you to slap her moon up into the sky every night.


                                            >And now she's dancing.  Because of course she is.

                                            >She's struttin' her stuff back and forth in front of you, all throwing head left and right and showing off her tuft [spoiler]like the dirty little filly she is[/spoiler]

                                            >What is she, knickering?


                                            >God fucking dammit, you are sick of this.

                                            >Might as well do a test real quick to see if these ponies are trying to take your horsevirginity.

                                            >Gotta make this as ham-fisted as possible.

                                            >You clear your throat and try to get Twilight's attention.

                                            >Her ears twitch in your direction, but she keeps on showing off to you.


                                            "So Twilight, Dash was waiting for me this morning, just outside my front door. She did this adorable little dance for me, and then I picked her up and we snuggled. Weird, huh?


                                            >Twilight is no longer dancing.

                                            >She's stopped mid-prance and is staring at you with a mix of shock and panic.

                                            >Her horn lights up for a split second, and you turn away as quickly as you can.

                                            >You wonder what Twilight could have done this time.


                                            >She's even poofier than before.

                                            >Is this supposed to be some show of dominance? The poofiest magic horse is the BEST magic horse?

                                            >Twilight continues to dance in front of you, now adding little jumps to her cantering.

                                            >She does this little spin, and......


                                            >....Are you serious right now.

                                            >Twilight doesn't have ass-wings attached to a butt plug.

                                            >She's got a fucking sparkler sticking out of her pooper.

                                            >It's like the forth of July all up in this bitch.


                                            >You know what?

                                            >You give up.

                                            >You don't need this in your life.

                                            >You've got to put an end to this.

                                            >You walk over to Twilight and scoop her up, mid-hop, and hold her against your body.

                                            >[spoiler]SHE FEELS SO GOOD ON YOUR TUMMY[/spoiler]

                                            >She flexes her anal sphincter in surprise and the sparkler pops out.

                                            >It hits the ground with a wet SPLAT.

                                            >And now she's nuzzling you, just like Dash was.

                                            >Maybe this is over now.

                                            >Maybe you can get on to the weekly meeting.

                                            >Maybe you can put this day behind you.


                                            >You carry her over to her usual couch and try to set her down.

                                            >Maybe now that she's done her spiel, she'll go back to normal.

                                            >Hahaha nope.

                                            >All she does is make displeased horse noises at you and grapples on to you like a face-hugger.

                                            >That's not the only thing she does like a face-hugger.

                                            >All of the sudden, when you were least expecting it: Horse tongue down your throat.

                                            >.......

                                            >Yeah, you're pretty sure you're horsemarried now.

                                            ---

                                            ch 3:

                                            ---

                                            >Be Anon, the human.

                                            >You've put Twilight down for her nap.

                                            >Cuddling takes a lot out of a gal, you guess.

                                            >You feel like you're role is somewhere between horsehusband and horsefather.

                                            >What's the middle point between those two?

                                            >Horseuncle?

                                            >Are you the creepy uncle who touches no-no places?

                                            >You sure hope not.

                                            >Still not a word from her, though.

                                            >Because seriously, this is like babysitting a goddamn child.

                                            >You really hope this behaviour disappears when this is all over.

                                            >Whenever it ends.

                                            >Whatever it is.


                                            >It's noon now, and you're pretty hungry.

                                            >A quick check of Twilight's cupboards reveals nothing that your human stomach can digest.

                                            >Hay bars, ramen noodles only with hay instead of noodles, chocolate-covered dandelions (is that Japony text on there? What a fucking weeb), and what looks like a small salt lick hidden behind a box of Celesti-o's.

                                            >The fuck are Celesti-o's anyway?

                                            >Guess its off to the market for you.

                                            >But what about the other pones?

                                            >They'll jump your bones the moment you jump out!

                                            >You need a way to fend them off.... a way to show them you're taken.....

                                            >Something that smells like Twilight.

                                            >A few minutes later, you leave Twilight's house/public library with a cloth diaper tied up around over you pants.

                                            >Shit's so snug yo.

                                            >It was the gaudiest, strongest-smelling thing you could find.

                                            >And it is ugly as sin.

                                            >It looked like a gay clown vomited this up.

                                            >ONWARD


                                            >Be Applejack.

                                            >Be prowlin' the roads fer a mate.

                                            >It's that tahme of the year, and you've put off herdin' fer too long.

                                            >But who tuh herd.....

                                            >He needs tuh be impressive.

                                            >Show that cock off, colt

                                            >You know, prove tuh you that they're worthy of formin' a herd with you.

                                            >Yer instincts're screaming atcha, tellin' y'all whut tuh look fer.


                                            >There's one right o'er yonder.

                                            >Caramel, or whatever his name done be.

                                            >He's got a tie-dye sock coverin' his sheath, and his scrote has been painted tuh look lahke two Easter eggs.

                                            >Pfft.

                                            >Sock's too loose. Eggs too small. Mama want an omelette that can feed a whole family, know whut Ah'm sayin'?

                                            >Who else is next?

                                            >Who the hay is that, Gizmo?

                                            >He has a be-yoo-tee-full mural of a scene from one're his Hahperspace Hahper War games on his colt-jank.

                                            >Hmm.....

                                            >You've heard that them smarty-types done have some exotic tastes, but you don't want no ugly babies.

                                            >Want Red Delicious, not Crabtree, filly.

                                            >'Lestia-dangit, it's bin all day and not ONE'them stallions has appealed to you.

                                            >Y'all know you shouldn't be so judgemental.

                                            >They're trying their best, and a lot're 'em is first-timers, but yer apple orchard jus' ain't given her seal of approval yet.

                                            >Lahke, take a look Coco walkin' out yonder fer a second.

                                            >You don' even know whut he was tryin' to 'complish with those jewels he glued to his scrotum.

                                            >Looks real painful, too.

                                            >Poor dear probably hot-glued'em on.

                                            >Bless his heart, he tried.


                                            >Oh hey, it's Anawn.

                                            >Haha whut the buck is he even wearin'?

                                            >Oh, Anawn, that's the.... most.... erotic thing you have ever laid yer ahye's on.

                                            >The clashin' colour is perfect.

                                            >Clouds of yeller and blue and red.....

                                            >It looks lahke somep0ny dun shat out Celestia's mane.

                                            >Are those tassels?

                                            >Oh fuck you are so wet right now.

                                            >You can feel yerself winking faster'n Big Mac to the swimmin' hole.


                                            >Alright, Applejack, don' buck this up, now.

                                            >Look back real quick-lahke. Is yer matin' plumage on right?

                                            >You bet yer apple biscuits it is.

                                            >Let's proceed.


                                            >You are Anon again.

                                            >And lucky for you, the market is empty.

                                            >On the one hand, that means you can't buy any food.

                                            >On the other hand, that means there's nopony around to stop you from stealing any leftovers in the stalls.


                                            >Oh hey Applejack is here

                                            >And she has the most OUTRAGEOUS ass plumage.

                                            >That's coming out from her ass.

                                            >Fuckin' weirdo ponies.

                                            >Oop, she's spotted you and she's coming this way.

                                            >JOKES ON YOU MOTHERFUCKER I GOT A DIAPER ON WITH TWILIGHT'S STANK ALL OVER IT

                                            >The smell sort of made you retch when you first put it on, but it's fine now.

                                            >Twilight needs to take way more baths.

                                            >There are these yellow stains on it, and you hope to God that just means she's a messy eater.

                                            [spoiler]>hint its mare cum[/spoiler]

                                            [spoiler]>You weren't fooled for a second.[/spoiler]


                                            >So anyway, Applejack's just standing in front of you.

                                            >Staring at your crotch

                                            >Just like every other goddamn pony you've come across today.

                                            >Well not this time. She's probably mourning her loss of a hot, seductive guy like yohgod you think you just threw up in your mouth a little.

                                            >This fucking diaper.


                                            >So now she's looking you dead in the eye

                                            >Just like Twilight did.

                                            >Just like Rainbow Dash did.

                                            >By God, though, that plumage is amazing.

                                            >It's like this 45-degree fan of soft, green apple tree branches that have been woven together. You can see all sorts of colours, like green, brown, yellow, orange, and red.

                                            >It's beautiful.


                                            >.......

                                            >Aw fuck, she's starting to dance.

                                            >You wrapped a smelly cumblanket over your only clean pair of pants for NOTHING.

                                            >You sigh, resigned.

                                            >Let's see what kind of show she's going to put on for you.


                                            >Be Applejack.

                                            >The orangest howdy-horse in all the land.

                                            >You've found your colt.

                                            >You NEED this colt.

                                            >Before she passed away, your Mama told you all about courtin'.


                                            "Applejack, when you meet the stallion destined to be yer husbando, y'all make sure he dun get away, 'hear? Ya gotta prove to them that you're a proper mare who can provide for him and make sure he dun want fer nothin'. It can be temping to hogtie'em and mount'em right then and there, but you gotta remember to be gentle. Don't scare the delicate creature away, now."


                                            >You'll make your Mama proud.

                                            >You'll seduce the HORSEFEATHERS out of this colt.

                                            >Prove to him the two of you are meant to be.

                                            >Show him you're strong enough to raise him a proper family.

                                            >Show him how gentle you can be as not to scare him.


                                            >And you intend to do just that.

                                            >Time for the CROSSBOW SHOW


                                            >Be Anon

                                            >Applejack is now in the face-down-ass-up position with her legs spread wide.

                                            >What is she going to dOH LORDY LOOK AT THOSE THIGHS

                                            >THEYRE SO MUSCLEY

                                            >SHE MUST HAVE THE TIGHTEST HORSEASS AROUND

                                            >Oh Jesus why is this turning you on right now?

                                            >She's pawing the ground and making these moaning/grunting noises as she shakes her tight ass for you.

                                            >She knows what she's doing to you

                                            >You've seen that shiteating grin more than once today


                                            >The smell of lavender distracts you, however.

                                            >You turn to your left and find another grunting, presenting pony.

                                            >Oh hey it's that blue pony from the spa.

                                            >Lotus, you think her name is.

                                            >Her plumage is a weave of white blossoms, like the one on her cutie mark.

                                            >You know that she doesn't do nearly as much physical work as Applejack, so her ass-flexing really just serves to jiggle her butt.

                                            >Her fat, oiled up butt.

                                            >.......

                                            >It's a sad day when you have to stop and remind yourself that you are NOT a horsefucker.

                                            >Ruh-oh, Raggy, Applejack isn't happy about this new development AT ALL.


                                            >Be Applejack.

                                            >Excuse you?

                                            >EXCUSE you?

                                            >You are NOT gunna let this mare-whore snatch Anawn away from you!

                                            >You know how she sleeps around, and he deserves better'n her!

                                            >Someone who 'spects him!

                                            >You ain't havin' nun of that, no ma'am.

                                            >You flex yerr sphincter muscles an' adjust yer plumage.


                                            >Be Anon again

                                            >Woah!

                                            >Applejack's asstree just fanned out!

                                            >It's a full 180 degrees now.

                                            >You actually take a step back when you get a good look at her full plumage.

                                            >A scary-ass pair of eyes is staring at you.

                                            >This is amazing.

                                            >Lotus doesn't like that at all.

                                            >She's backing away like a cat that has something stuck on its' head, and her plumage is twitching pathetically.


                                            >Aww, AJ's pawing the ground with her widdle hoofsies like a bull to scare Lotus away.

                                            >This little nigger dun fuck up.

                                            >Lotus knows it, too.

                                            >You can plainly see it in her eyes.

                                            >Her bubble-butt quivers in fear.


                                            >OH SHIT Applejack's actually charging!

                                            >Oh jesus you didn't think it would come to this.

                                            >Rainbow and Fluttershy just tried to scare each other off, before.

                                            >There was no actual violence!

                                            >Oh god you don't want to be indirectly responsible for a horsemurder.

                                            ---

                                            ch 4

                                            ---

                                            June 2017:

                                            Dear >>30291797

                                            Thank you for singing me the song of your people.

                                            Your information on object pronouns was comprehensive, and you explained the proper usage of thy/thine very well.

                                            Unfortunately I do not have any plans to write anything that utilizes Luna-speak in the near future, but rest assured that I will make an effort to learn the rules of grammar and clean up my older documents (such as this one) when/if I do.


                                            With love,

                                            AnalplugAnon

                                            xoxoxo


                                            ---------------------------


                                            CRACK


                                            >You wince from the sound, expecting Lotus to fall into a heap.

                                            >But no, she barely even flinched.

                                            >She's pushing her head back against Applejack's, like two deer locking their horns together.

                                            >Lotus is putting up a fight, but you can tell that she's scared.

                                            >Pedals start to fall from her plumage, and she's sweating away all her body oil.

                                            >Quick as lightning, Applejack wrestles Lotus to the ground.

                                            >In her haste to get away, her plumage/buttplug falls out.

                                            >Applejack trots over to it and stomps it to a pulp with her front hooves.

                                            >D'aww, she looks so pleased with herself.

                                            >You can't say no to that smile.

                                            >Time for upsies.


                                            Be Applejack


                                            >Great Apple have mercy, you dun it!

                                            >You dun claimed a colt and have ensured a new generation of Apples!

                                            >You nuzzle Anawn's face, as is the traditional proposal acceptance.

                                            >Is that Rainbow Dash'n Twahlaht you smell?

                                            >Guess you couldn't keep'm all to yerself.

                                            >Granny didn't raise no selfish mare.

                                            >A colt needs plenty of 'tention to be happy, an' ain't nobody got time fer that.

                                            >Not jus' one mare, anyway.

                                            >'sides, there's more'n enough Anawn tuh go 'round.

                                            >Anawn carries you to yer new home, and you spend that tahm rubbin' yer own stank on him.


                                            >You are Rainbow Dash.

                                            >And you just finished building Anon a proper nest for your foals.

                                            >First, you gathered up every cushion and pillow you could find to make the frame nice and sturdy.

                                            >Next, you tied it all together with all those blankets Anon had stacked up in his cupboard.

                                            >Finally, you looked for every single shiny object Anon had around the house and used them to decorate the nest.

                                            >Your chest puffs up with pride, and your wings twitch with a feeling of dominance.

                                            >Now you won't have to worry about other birdpones stealing Anon away from you.

                                            [spoiler]>Fucking Fluttershy[/spoiler]


                                            >You are Twilight Sparkle.

                                            >Snuggling and make-outs takes a LOT out of a mare.

                                            >You've spent the last hour or so trying to figure out how to move your personal collection of books to Anon's house.

                                            >Your new house.

                                            >Oh this is so exciting!

                                            >Anyway, you can't keep them in the library anymore if you're going to move in with Anon.

                                            >Spike might find them, and you don't want to have THAT kind of conversation with him just yet.


                                            >You know, dangerous spellbooks, ancient tomes of forgotten gods, that sort of thing.

                                            >...

                                            >Some of the books might be smut.

                                            >...

                                            >A lot of the books might be smut.

                                            >...

                                            >Okay, It's all smut.


                                            >You have a collection of every issue of Playmare published to date, plus a bunch of those awful "romance" novels written for lonely, middle-aged stallions.

                                            >Look it gets lonely sometimes.

                                            >N-not that you're one of those gross mares that only see a dildo when they look at a stallion!

                                            >You're prepared to respect the SHIT out of Anon when you get to his house.

                                            >You might even tip your sunhat at him.

                                            [spoiler]>M-m'lord[/spoiler]

                                            >Okay, look.

                                            >Being Princess Celestia's star student, and Element of Magic tends to inspire STRESS.

                                            >Stress that you have to GET RID OF to stay sane.


                                            >Aw fuck, that reminds you.

                                            >You have to find a way to move your boxes of sex toys to Anon's house and figure out where to hide them.

                                            >You think you'll have to add another room to your coltfriend's house if you want to fit everything.

                                            >Enough thinking. Let's go make lunch.


                                            >You are Applejack.

                                            >You're not sure you 'preciate being carried by yer stallion lahke a baguh flour.

                                            >It was real cute at first, seein' him so excited to start yer new lives together, but colts're starin' at you now.

                                            >It's imaresculating, him carryin' you 'round lahke this.

                                            >You make sure to wriggle a bit and grumble jus' loud 'nough for any other mares to hear you.

                                            >Can't havin'em think big'ol AJ has gone soft fer some city colt.

                                            >But he's yer beau

                                            >And you luv'im with all yer heart

                                            >So you'll put up with it this time.


                                            >You are Anon.

                                            >It's ten minutes to your house, you got your arms full of mare, half a mind to lose, it's mating season... and you're wearing a cumdiaper.

                                            >Hit it.


                                            >Thou art Luna.

                                            >Thou has't just finished raising the moon for the evening, and thy art eager to start thy night.

                                            >Thy dearest sister hast shared a scroll with thee, delivered by Twilight Sparkle, and it appeareth that thy lady's star pupil hath found a proper herd.

                                            >The supposedly monogamous Anonymous hath somehow managed to seduce three mares with nary an endeavor from hisself.

                                            >Thy loins glisten in the moon light at the bethought of at long last getting thy hooves on that monkey's fiery shaft.

                                            >Thou winketh conspiratorially at the full moon, spreadeth thy wings, and flyeth aroint.


                                            >Thou arriveth at fair Anonymous's abode in less than an hour.

                                            >Thou rap smartly on thy soon-to-be herdcolt's door, and prepare thy mating dance.

                                            >Thy sister hath told thou that many things hast chang'd since thy banishment to the moon, enwheeling how a meet mare treats a colt.

                                            >Thou wast disgust'd to findeth out just how much had chang'd.

                                            >In thy day, thou couldst b'd any colt with naught but a lift of thy tail and a winketh of thy perfecteth marehood.

                                            >Thy royal urges wouldst be fat, and the faceless, nameless colt wouldst feeleth honour'd to hast been chosen by thou.


                                            >Aha!

                                            >Anon himself hath dupp his door, and is staring at thou expectedly.

                                            >Thither is nay needeth for words, howev'r.

                                            >The sacred courtship dance betwixt a mare and a colt is a silent affair.

                                            >'tis a test of a mare's abilities to expresseth h'r natural desires to be with foal, without the crutch that is the spoken tongue.

                                            >Mere centures aft'r thy banishment, thy sister had puteth laws into effect that corrupts this age-old tradition to this very day.

                                            >A bawbling part of though shrivell'd up and perish'd when though saweth one mare pushing a feather duster into another mare's anal cavity.


                                            >Thou will dost things the way thou wast taught at thy father's hip.

                                            >If 'twas good enough for thy ancient ancestors, it will be good enough for thou.


                                            >You are Anon, and there's a princess at your door.

                                            >What?

                                            >Before you can say anything to her, the night princess strikes a pose.

                                            >Are you fucking serious right now.

                                            >If she weren't a princess, you would have shut your fucking door in her face.

                                            >Goddammit FINE.

                                            >At least she doesn't have a bunch of shit jammed up her asshole this time.


                                            >She's turned around and is presenting her rump to you.

                                            >She's winking pretty hard.

                                            >.....

                                            >Oh, that is fucking disgusting.

                                            >She just sprayed like three gallons of yellow marecum all over your porch.

                                            >Sweet lord above you can smell it from here!

                                            >Oh christ you wish you still had your cumdiaper to wrap around your face.

                                            >The dry wood at your feet quickly absorbs the marecum. The smell isn't going to come out.


                                            >Now Luna is approaching you. She has this glazed look in her eyes as she stops just a foot away from you.

                                            >Oh, now she's doing that dumb horse-smile, where they curl their lips back and display their teeth.


                                            >"Heeerrrruuhuhuhuhhuuuu"


                                            "Could you please stop grunting in my face, Luna."


                                            >Oh now what now?

                                            >She's rubbing her face into your neck anOW JESUS

                                            >She just bit you! What the fuck is wrRIIIIIIIP

                                            >.......

                                            >Your best bedtime shirt now has a big strip ripped out of it, starting from the collar and moving down south.


                                            >You can feel something warm splash on your bare feet, and look down.

                                            >This nasty bitch is spraying bursts of piss right on top of the puddle of marecum.

                                            >What fresh hell is this?

                                            >You take a step back and roughly shove Luna away from you.


                                            "What the fuck is wrong with you! Get away from my fucking house!"


                                            >You slam the door in her dumb horse face, and yell out through the thick wood:


                                            "I expect a cleaning crew by tomorrow morning. And it had damn well better be on your dime, not mine!"


                                            >Thou art Luna.

                                            >This dram colt, this mere peasant, hath reject'd the will of a princess.

                                            >What did thou do wrong?

                                            >Thou bar'd thy teeth as a sign of good health, releas'd thy marecum to bewray that thou wast ready for mating, and present'd him with thy urine so that the smell would let him know wot that thou wast fertile.


                                            >badfeelsfilly.scroll


                                            >Was Celestia right?

                                            >Hast things really chang'd this much?

                                            >Thou will talketh to her in the morn.

                                            >Thou will win this colt's phallus if 'tis the last thing thou do.


                                            AND THEN ANON WENT BACK INSIDE AND FUCKED HIS PONYWIAFUS

                                            ONE OF THEM REALLY LIKED TEAT TWISTING BUT I WON'T SAY WHO

                                            HINT IT'S NOT ANON


                                            The End