[RGRE] Jane the Cuddler


                                            Starts off with Durnk's green, which I expanded on.  Afterwards, brandnewwritefag took over.

                                            >Day jail in Equestria

                                            >You are Anon and you're in a pony police carriage

                                            >You tried to pet the cute little police ponies and they arrested you

                                            >You arrive at the pony prison and are led inside

                                            >They make you take off your clothes

                                            >They see your dick

                                            >"Oh my, we're so sorry sir, there must have been some kind of mistake!"

                                            >You are fawned over by the guardsponies while the warden calls the ponice department

                                            >The officers that arrested you become the laughingstocks of the whole police system


                                            paste:


                                            >The Ponice Chief walks you to the door after you've had a chance to put your clothes back on.

                                            >She looks adorable in her little hat and shirt.

                                            >"Listen... 'Anonymous', is it? Will you be okay getting home by yourself?"

                                            "Yeah, I know which part of the city I'm in."

                                            >"You sure? It's getting pretty late, and Canterlot can be a dangerous place after dark."

                                            >Pfft, whatever, mom.

                                            >If you can get arrested for just molesting law enforcement, then Equestria can't be THAT dangerous after dark.

                                            >But she looks so worried and cute and oh gosh you want to pet all the widdle powise officews!

                                            >Keep it in your pants, Anon

                                            >You give her your best smile

                                            "Hey, I'm a big boy. I'll be fine."

                                            >"Listen, I can't really say something like this on the record as the Chief of Ponice, what with those new laws the Princesses put in place, but...."

                                            >She scuffs her hoof and doesn't look you in the eyes.

                                            >"Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Anonymous, but downtown Canterlot isn't safe for a stallion all by himself."

                                            "What's the worst thing that'll happen? Non-consensual cuddling?"

                                            >The Chief nods sombrely

                                            >"Exactly."

                                            >Sarcasm is apparently not a thing here.

                                            >"Just this month, we've had over twenty reports of stallions being hugged and snuggled against their will by mares."

                                            >"Many victims claimed that their assailant would gently rock them back and forth and hum a song until they fell asleep."

                                            >"Three cases even reported feeling a soft kiss pressed onto their heads just before they lost consciousness."

                                            >A few other officers have gathered around the two of you.

                                            >They can't risk losing another colt. Not again.

                                            >"Mr.Anonymous, after the grave error that the Canterlot Ponice Department has committed on you, please reconsider staying the night."

                                            >She's really struggling to keep a brave face for you.

                                            >"I'm not asking you as the Ponice Chief, sir. I'm asking you as the mare named Cuddle Wings."

                                            >Oh my god is that really her name?

                                            >You can't say no; and you don't.

                                            >Sleep tight, Cuddles.


                                            >You are Anon

                                            >You have decided not to take up the nice Ponice Chief's offer to stay the night, no matter HOW adorable her name is.

                                            >Cuddle Wings

                                            >Oh god birdpones are the bestpones

                                            >She was so fluffy

                                            >So here you are, walking in what you've since learned is the "Red Lamp District" of Canterlot.

                                            >Laughing stallions are playing with makeup and wigs

                                            >They've got crayons and parchment and widdle plastic tables set up for them to draw on.

                                            >You're allowed to draw with them or play board games, but only if you've got the bits.

                                            >They wave at you, and you wave back. They're probably the friendliest bunch of ponies in this city.

                                            >It's another five minutes of walking before you see it.

                                            >The body.


                                            >It's one of the crayon stallions from before.

                                            >Just when you were about to panic and run back to the ponice, the corpse snores and rolls onto his tummy.

                                            >Fuck's sake.

                                            >Sometimes you forget that murder isn't even a crime here.

                                            >Wars are fought with blunted spears and harsh language.

                                            >Well, whatever. Time to go home.

                                            >Lord knows THAT scare took a good few months off of your life.


                                            >"Stay righ' where yew are, col', innit."

                                            >Oh god

                                            >Somepony is nuzzling your knee.

                                            >"What's a col' like yew doin' aaaht so late at nigh'?"

                                            >You look down and see a mare dressed up in a black cloak and a very nice velvet top hat.

                                            >This whole situation is very strange to you, so you'll try to explain yourself to this mare.

                                            >Try to get some answers, you know?

                                            "What?"

                                            >God dammit Anon.

                                            >No wonder you don't have any friends.


                                            >"t's dangerous, yew know, especially wiv somepony like Jane da Cuddler on da loose."

                                            >She sits back on her rum and kind of arches her front legs out in front of you.

                                            >"OOOoooooOOOoooOOOooooOOooo"

                                            >This is fucking stupid.

                                            >You've had enough for tonight. You ignore the mare and continue on your way home.

                                            >She shouts something after you, but your tolerance for bullshit has reached its' limit after tonight.

                                            >What kind of world do you live in where you can't pick up law enforcement officers like toddlers and cuddle them against their will?

                                            >And you, who has done NOTHING wrong, is arrested and strip-searched.

                                            >This world is going to the diamond doOOF

                                            >Something light collides with your stomach, and you fall back more due to the shock than anything else.


                                            >" I don't fink so, friend! There ain't nopony in Can'erlot who can outrun The Cuddler. Sorted mate."

                                            >The pony with the top hat and terrible cockney accent is now sitting on your chest.

                                            >You're pretty sure she was the one who tackled you, if you had to guess.

                                            >This is actually the first time you've gotten a good look at her.

                                            >Her widdle costume is complete with fake glasses and taped-on sideburns.

                                            >Oh god she looks like something out a Tim Burton movie.

                                            >Fuck me, you love ponyland.

                                            >Even when the inhabitants are trying to struggle-snuggle you.


                                            "Aww, are you supposed to be dressed up as Jack the Ripper?"

                                            >Oh your goodness she's doing that angry scrunchy face that Dash does whenever you boop her nose.

                                            >"Who da buck is Jack da Rippuh? Yew dummy, I'm Jane da Cuddler, an' I'll get 'uggle-snuggles aaaht ov yew whether yew like i' awer not."

                                            >Aww, okay. She's put so much effort into this whole thing, so you guess you'll play along.

                                            >You gasp loudly and try to look scared.

                                            "It's you! The ponice told me all about you!"

                                            >She smiles her terrible, adorable smile and reaches her forearms towards your neck.

                                            >Wait. Didn't Jack the Ripper slit his victim's throats before opening their guts and playing with their organs?

                                            >You don't think you want to play this game any more.


                                            >"Tickle tickle tickle!"

                                            >You can't help but squirm. How can she be so good at tickling when she only has hooves?

                                            >This goes on for a few more minutes before she turns around and trots over to your exposed tummy.

                                            >With a sinister smirk thrown back in your direction, Jane the Cuddler plants her hooves on your stomach and slowly, but firmly, begins to rub in a circle.


                                            >"Shhhhh shh-shh-shhh.... Bo Peep now, col'. Let Janey 'ave 'er fun. Yew'll be safe in ol' Janey's 'ooves. "

                                            >And with that, Jane starts humming a sleepy bedtime tune to you.

                                            >This is the best serial killing you've ever been a part of.

                                            >You can't contain yourself any longer.

                                            >"Oy, wha'? Put me down!"

                                            >You scoop the mare up and carry her like she were your bride.

                                            >She struggles pretty hard, but quiets down when you nuzzle her face.

                                            >Somepony's earned dinner and a cuddling from you.

                                            >As you later find out, serial "killers" in Equestria make wonderful snuggle pillows.