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[RGRE] Ogres and Oubliettes

By AnalPlugAnon
Created: 2020-12-25 20:09:59
Expiry: Never
/rgre/

  1. Complete as of April 6, 2016
  2.  
  3. >"Hey there, cutie. What're you looking for?"
  4. >You are Moondancer, and that one human creature is talking to you.
  5. >While normally a colt talking to you would be cause for celebration, you're more focused on WHERE he's talking to you.
  6. >In the Games and Hobbies store, home for permavirgins and kissless tuftbears everywhere
  7. >(AKA you)
  8. >Play it cool, Moonie. Don't buck this up.
  9. "Wh-what's a colt like you doing innuh pluh-place like this?"
  10. >Beauty. Very smooth, Misses Dancer.
  11. >It's so smooth you're practically sliding all over the place.
  12. >Oh wait, that's all the spaghetti you're spilling!
  13. >But the human Anonymous just chuckles and goes back to his bo-IS THAT A DM'S GUIDE
  14. >No way.
  15. >There is NO WAY he's into this stuff.
  16. >Colts HATE Ogres and Oubliettes.
  17. >You don't know if it's because colts can't into fantasy, or if all the rules and numbers go over their heads, but your game room (AKA your basement) has never been graced by the presence of the fairer sex.
  18. >"The Temple of Elemental Evil, eh? That's a fun one."
  19. >He's still talking to you?
  20. >This has to be a new record!
  21. >.....
  22. >Why is he still talking to you?
  23. >You don't understand.
  24. >"You should pick up the sequel too. Your players will love you for it."
  25. >Oh Luna's moon, is this what flirting feels like?
  26. "Y-yeah. I... one of my friends k-kind of bailed on me mid-way through, you know. A session."
  27. >You tongue feels so thick in your mouth.
  28. >This is the worst.
  29. "So, uh, we just decided that it would be ble-best-"
  30. >FUCK YOU TONGUE
  31. "-if we jus' started a whole new map."
  32. >We also call that an adventure, Moonie.
  33. "Adventure."
  34. >Good save.
  35. "Adventure map."
  36. >Stop talking.
  37. >"You're down a player?"
  38. >You finally look up and meet the human colt's gaze, and by the buck-damned moon, he actually looks interested!
  39. >This has to be a trick.
  40. >Who put him up to this?
  41. >Was it Minuette?
  42. >You bet it was Minuette.
  43. >This is exactlly the sort of horseapples she'd try and pull on you.
  44. >"I... know that we don't really know each other. But I've seen you here a bunch, and it seems like you're pretty serious about 'O&O'."
  45. >Why does he look so uncomfortable? He's a colt in a gaming shop!
  46. >For goodness sake, he has the high ground!
  47. >He was the Chosen One!
  48. >"Would you mind if I took your friend's position?"
  49. >Okay, he isn't laughing at you.
  50. >Nopony makes it this far tricking you without laughing by now.
  51. >Startswirl's saltlick, he's for real!
  52. >Say something! Say yes! Say BUCK yes!
  53. "Herluh..."
  54. >So this is how you die.
  55. >Hanging yourself back home because of this outstanding embarrassment.
  56. >"I'll bring snacks."
  57. "Sure."
  58. >NOW YOU CAN TALK?!
  59. >Oh Luna, now he's going to think you're some kind of fatty-fat fatflanks!
  60. >...
  61. >You ARE, but HE doesn't know that.
  62. >Thank you, based turtleneck sweater.
  63. >It hides your shame so well.
  64. "I, uh... here."
  65. >You whip out a scrap of paper and a tiny portable quill and write down your address.
  66. >The scrap was actually ripped from the book you guess you HAVE to buy now, but the Anonymous human doesn't seem to notice.
  67. "We, uh... we meet up at around six-ish on Fridays and Tuesdays."
  68. >Anonymous-man takes a long gander of the paper you just gave him and smiles at you.
  69. "Great, so I guess I'll see you tonight."
  70. >He turns to leave, but stops and faces you once more.
  71. >"By the way, my name is Anonymous. What's yours?"
  72. >Good question.
  73. >Welcome back, exam anxiety.
  74. >You look forward to forgetting your student number again.
  75. "I'm Moondancer."
  76. >Anonymous picks up the book he was reading and heads over for the cash register.
  77. >"See you real soon, Moondancer."
  78. >You think you're in love.
  79.  
  80.  
  81. >Be Moondancer
  82. >Be tonight at around 5:50-ish
  83. >Be surrounded by your plothole friends.
  84. >You don't know WHY you let Twilight talk you back into this whole "friendship" deal.
  85. "Okay you gals, he's going to be here any minute. Just... don't buck this up, okay?"
  86. >Minuette: "Sure thing, Moonie. We'll play nice when 'he' shows up."
  87. >Minuette giggles behind a hoof, clearly not taking you seriously.
  88. >Minuette: "So who is it this time, Colgate wearing a fake cock?"
  89. >That was ONE TIME.
  90. "She fooled you too, idiot!"
  91. >Minuette stops laughing and blushes.
  92. >That's right, you cunt.
  93. >Lemon: "He said he was brining snacks, right?"
  94. >To nopony's surprise, Lemon Hearts is already muzzle-deep in her bag of Dewrito's.
  95. >You swear, her hooves and vag are both stained a cheesy orange at this point.
  96. >Oh, she doesn't look pleased at you right now.
  97. >Lemon: "I meant, why do we have all this food if he's already agreed to bring some of his own?"
  98. >Oh, she mad.
  99. >You'd laugh if you weren't a chubby little filly too.
  100. "Well, I don't know what he likes to eat, so I got a little bit of everything."
  101. >Twinkleshine chooses this moment to heft her contribution onto the table.
  102. >Character figures and dice go everywhere.
  103. >Twinkle: "And I brought the Mount-neigh Dew."
  104. >That bucking mare and her Dew.
  105. "What if he doesn't like Mount-neigh Dew, Twinkleshine?
  106. >Twinkles just glares at you and pulls her box of drinks to her barrel possessively.
  107. >Twinkle: "What kind of filthy casual doesn't like The Dew?"
  108. >Moon-dammit, Twinkleshine.
  109. >Anonymous is going to bucking hate this session and it'll all be your fault.
  110. "The kind tha-"
  111. >KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
  112. >Everypony jumps in surprise as though the pizza mare arrived earlier than they expected.
  113. >Lemon: "Is-is that him?"
  114. >You sure hope so.
  115. "I g-guess I'll go check."
  116. >Nopony moves from the table.
  117. >Twinkle: "Moonda-"
  118. >Off like a shot, you rush up your basement stairs (tripping only once) and throw open your front door.
  119. >He showed up!
  120. >He actually showed up!
  121. >Anon: "Heh, yeah, I did."
  122. >You can't believe you actually said that out loud.
  123. >Anon: "It's fine, I do it all the time."
  124. >You were wrong. THIS is where you hang yourself out of embarrassment.
  125. "We-well, come on down. The, uh, gals are waiting just down stairs."
  126. >The two of you walk through your house in silence, eventually making it down stairs.
  127. >Twinkle: "Wow, Moonie, you actually went ahead and hired us a stripper. I didn't think yo-Ow!"
  128. >You put down D20 you had in your magic grip and show Anon to his chair.
  129. >Minuette: "So you're Anonymous the human?"
  130. >Anonymous puts down a few plastic packages onto the table beside him.
  131. >When did he get those?
  132. >Anon: "The one and only."
  133. >Anonymous strikes a silly, mock-heroic pose and oh gosh is he flirting with you again?
  134. >Should you flirt back?
  135. >Is this the part where you present yourself?
  136. >Anon: "And back before I came to Equestria, I used to play a game that's very similar to OnO. I hear you had a player who bailed on you, and I'm here to fill his place."
  137. >Minuette: "HER place, big guy. Twilight was too busy being an alicorn and a princess to come to our sessions."
  138. >Twinkleshine makes a loud and very grumpy-sounding sigh.
  139. >Twinkle: "So, do you need us to go over the rules, Anonymous? Because if this is what we're spending today doing, then I'm out until Friday."
  140. >Lemon: "Twinkleshine! That was very rude!"
  141. >Tell her, gal!
  142. >Lemon: "You should apologise to Anonymous right now!"
  143. >Lemon Hearts would look a lot more impressive, pointing her hoof at Twinkleshine, if the hoof in question wasn't covered in Dewrito crumbs.
  144. >Twinkleshine just huffs and crosses her hooves like the wrinkley vagina she is
  145. >When she looks over to Anonymous, Lemon Hearts' face is somewhere between apologetic and enamoured.
  146. >Lemon: "S-sorry about her, Anonymous. Twinkles - that's what we call Twinkleshine -"
  147. >Lemon Hearts laughs nervously. She looks like she regrets pointing out that unnecessary detail.
  148. >Lemon: "-can be kind of... you know..."
  149. >Minuette: "Bitchy? Cunty? Blue-beaned? Plot-poked? Flank-flared? Horn-"
  150. >Oh Luna, Minny, shut up. Just shut up. You're so dumb.
  151. >Lemon: "Yes! Yes to all. Don't let her chase you off, okay?"
  152. >Anonymous just grins, and you shiver slightly at the sight of his gleaming pointy teeth.
  153. >Anon: "It'll take more than an unhappy mare to make me leave, friend of Moondancer."
  154. >You guess it's time to begin.
  155.  
  156.  
  157. "Okay, so does everypony have their characters made up? Anonymous?"
  158. >You really hope he does.
  159. >Oh, Luna, can you imagine how long it'll take to explain all the rules to a colt?
  160. >You'd have to tell him everything about creating a gal.
  161. >And then you'd have to sit really REALLY close to him, and then he'd notice your smell.
  162. >Oh, you just KNOW you smell. You showered today but that probably didn't do anything.
  163. >Moon have mercy, please please PLEASE have a character ready!
  164. >Anon: "I'm ready. I am Turrios Cuntkicker, a male Minotaur Fighter."
  165. >*Shnk* Pfahaha-oh no you felt something come out of your nose.
  166. >You wipe a hoof across your snout and hide it by making it look like you're coughing, but you don't think you fooled anypony.
  167. >Still, though.
  168. >"Cuntkicker"
  169. >Hehehehe
  170. >Oh goodness, you're such a foal.
  171. "That's very - th-thank you, Anonymous. Who's next?
  172. >Minuette: "I've got Grimfeathers, who's a Griffin Druid."
  173. "Very nice, very nice. Next?"
  174. >Twinkleshine stops glaring at your human friend long enough to speak up.
  175. >Twinkle: "Ivory Dawn, a Unicorn Wizard."
  176. "And last, but not least?"
  177. >It's quiet. Why isn't Lemon Hearts saying anyth-
  178. >Lemon: "Oh! Me? Uhm, right. I've got, uh, shoot."
  179. >Oh, are you serious right now? She can't find her character sheet.
  180. >She had better not ruin this for you in front of Anonymous.
  181. >Anonymous.
  182. >OH BUCK YOU FORGOT TO INTRODUCE YOUR FRIENDS
  183. >Tartarus below, Moondancer, you are just so stupid.
  184. >You're so dumb!
  185. >Okay, look, play it cool. If Anonymous hasn't said anything, then it probably doesn't bother him.
  186. "By the way, Anonymous - "
  187. >Oh buck, he's looking at you.
  188. >Be cool, tongue. Don't buck up like last time.
  189. "These are my friends. Twinkleshine - "
  190. >You point to the grumpy grumperson, but she's too busy glaring at Lemon Hearts to do much else.
  191. " - Minuette - "
  192. >The mare in question grins at Anonymous and waves at him.
  193. " - and finally, Lemon He - "
  194. >Lemon: "Found it!"
  195. >Lemon Hearts thrusts her character sheet into the air and scatters the contents of her chips all over the table.
  196. >Is this the part where you leave your own house and hide?
  197. >You think you could probably burn a few hours until the game is over.
  198. >Avoiding the human for the rest of your life can't be that difficult.
  199. "... Lemon Hearts. That's Lemon Hearts."
  200. >The human just grins at Lemon, who is blushing SO HARD right now.
  201. >Anon: "Pleasure to meet you all. Thanks for letting me come tonight - "
  202. >HE SAID "COME TONIGHT"
  203. >Anon: " - and fill in for Twilight. It's nearly impossible to find any men here to play the game, so I'm really lucky to have found Moondancer."
  204. >Anonymous ruffles your mane and brushes up against your horn.
  205. >Did a colt just touch you? Did a colt just touch your horn?!
  206. >Yooooouuuu might have just came a little bit.
  207. >This HAS to be the part where you present yourself.
  208. >Anon: "What's your character, Lemon Hearts?"
  209. >What?
  210. >Oh, right. The game.
  211. >Lemon: "My gal is... Crystal Rose, a Unicorn Cleric."
  212. >Lemon Hearts makes a really scrunchie face at Twinkleshine and starts to magic up her spilled chips.
  213. >Lemon: "She WOULD have been a Warlock, but I lost at 'hoof, wings, horn' to Twinkles."
  214. >Twinkleshine smiles at Lemon Hearts and does this thing with her forehoo - YOU CAN'T MAKE THAT GESTURE IN FRONT OF A COLT
  215. "Twinkleshine! Didn't your father teach you not to do that... in, uh...
  216. >Oh buck, that's right. Anon can hear you.
  217. "... in front of a new friend? That's very impolite."
  218. >Saved it.
  219. >Did Anonymous notice?
  220. >You look over and he's just going over his sheet.
  221. >Yeah, he didn't notice.
  222. >Thank the night that colts are so easily distracted.
  223.  
  224. --------------------------------------------------
  225.  
  226. "...The final Savage Vampire falls to the ground in a bloody, gurgling mess. The chamber is silent, save for the distant echoes of dripping water and scuttling rats. Cuntkicker, you get bonus experience for creative use of a collapsible ten-foot pole."
  227. >Anonymous grins and amends his character sheet.
  228. >Twinkle: "That's horseapples!"
  229. >Twinkeshine pounds her hoof onto the table and you yelp in surprise.
  230. >You also grab Anonymous's arm, but he doesn't seem to mind very much.
  231. >Eugh. The way Twinkles is looking at you, you don't really want to let go.
  232. "Wh-what's the problem, Twinkleshine?"
  233. >Twinkleshine looks like somepony wee'd in her morning carrot juice.
  234. >Twinkle: "You gave him extra EXP just because he did something we're expected to do in a game!"
  235. >W-what? Did you really?
  236. >Oh, this is why you were so nervous about bringing Anonymous into the game.
  237. >You don't know how to act around colts.
  238. >Thankfully, Lemon Hearts comes to your rescue.
  239. >Lemon: "No she didn't. The vampire's cuh-vagina is a small target, and Cuntkicker rolled a natural 20."
  240. >Twinkle: "I don't get bonus experience when I roll a 20..."
  241. >Anon: "Well, you didn't get a pole shoved up a vampire's cooter, either."
  242. >Minuette gets this look on her face that makes you tense up.
  243. >It's the same stupid look she gets whenever she makes a bad joke or some kind of horrible pun.
  244. >Minuette: "Which is weird, considering how good she is at shoving objects into cooters."
  245. >Oh snap.
  246. >Everypony laughs and Twinkleshine just grabs the bag of chips out of Lemon Heart's hooves.
  247. >Ohh, Dewritos sound so good right now.
  248. >Your tummy is really hungry right now!
  249. >Lemon: "Can we take a break now?"
  250. "Ooh! Is it snack time?!"
  251. >Oh lord, everypony's looking at you.
  252. >Anonymous is ruffling your mane again AAAAHH
  253. >Everypony's silent as they go about with their respective snacks.
  254. >Twinkle: "Anypony want some Dew?"
  255. >Nopony wants your Dew, Twinkleshine. You know that.
  256. >That's probably why she bought it to begin with.
  257. >Wouldn't be the first time she "contributed" snacks that nopony else wan-
  258. >Anon: "Hey, sure, I'll take one."
  259. >Sis.
  260. >Plays Ogres and Oubliettes?
  261. >Drinks Mount-neigh Dew?
  262. >Maybe hopefully kinda flirts with you?!
  263. >You have to claim him.
  264. >You gotta pee on him, like a bear.
  265. >IT'S THE ONLY WAY
  266. >You're brought out of your thoughts by the sounds of a soda can being opened up poorly.
  267. >PSSHHHPOPPLRAAHHHHSHHSS
  268. >Anon: "Ahh! Oh, shi-SCHHLLLLURRRP"
  269. >Seems that Anonymous's drink's been shaken up.
  270. >YOU WONDER WHO COULD HAVE DONE IT
  271. >It was Twinkleshine.
  272. >You know this because you're clever.
  273. >She's got this weird, smug look on her face, too.
  274. >But look at the way Anonymous slurps at the liquid that's GUSHING out of the can.
  275. >He's using his lips to make sure he gets every single sweet, creamy drop.
  276. >Ohh, but he's sloppy. Rivulets of juices are dripping down his face and onto his shirt.
  277. >He might even have to take it off or else he'll be all... STICKY.
  278. >He even has his tongue making sure that the can rides out another mind-blowing orgasm.
  279. >What a naughty colt.
  280. >....
  281. >That was a weird place your mind went.
  282. >Anon: "Funny, Twinkles. Real funny."
  283. >Oh, Twinkleshine, you had better not have bucked this up.
  284. >Why is she bucking with the only colt in the group?!
  285. >Doesn't she know tha-oh.
  286. >While you monologued to yourself, Anonymous began to slide off his hoodie, which was thoroughly soaked from his can of Mount-neigh Dew.
  287. >It reveals.... another shirt underneath.
  288. >Your disappointment is palpable.
  289. >With a light heft, Anonymous chucks his wet shirt over at Twinkleshine, landing it square on her horn.
  290. >Lucky bitch.
  291.  
  292. >You are Anon.
  293. >Twinkleshine decided to play a bit of a trick on you by shaking up your can of Mountain D-whoops.
  294. >Mount-NEIGH Dew.
  295. >Why does everything have to be a shitty horse-pun around here?
  296. >So Twinkleshine shook up your can of Dew and it managed to spray all over your hoodie.
  297. >You retaliated by throwing your wet hoodie onto Twinkleshine's face.
  298. >She reacted just as well as you expected her to.
  299. >She tried to shake it off by whipping her head back and forth.
  300. >You got a kick out of watching her friends get sprayed by a fine mist of Dew.
  301. >Moondancer was the only one who was really upset, but you think that's just because she's the only one who's wearing glasses in here.
  302. >Cleaning soda off of a pair of glasses is a shit, yo.
  303. >When shaking her head didn't work, Twinkleshine tried to use her widdle hooves to scrape the wet, heavy cotton fabric off of her head.
  304. >She looked like a cat cleaning its ears and you nearly made noises from how cute it looked.
  305. >It wasn't long before Twinkleshine remembered that she was a horsewizard, unfortunately, and used her magic to send that business right back at you.
  306.  
  307. >With that brief lil' overview of the last fifteen minutes, you fuck right off back to the present.
  308.  
  309. >Moondancer peers at you from over her Dungeon Master's screen.
  310. >She's doing her best to come off as menacing, but all she's doing is scrunching her muzzle up at you.
  311. >Moon: "You stand in an empty hall. The dim light provided by the nearby candle-stand succeed only in casting shadows rather than illuminate the room. If you were to guess this room's purpose, you would say it was for hosting balls."
  312. >Twinkle: "I check to see if anything looks out of place."
  313. >Moondancer rolls some dice behind her screen and schools her features to be unreadable.
  314. >This mare knows what she's doing.
  315. >Moon: "You see a door nearby that doesn't match the others. While the doors in this estate have an elegant, hand-made appearance, this door looks like it's made out of cast-iron and appears to be much older than the rotting wood that frames it."
  316. >Lemon: "I go over to it and inspect it."
  317. >Moondancer doesn't bother rolling any dice. You can hear papers shuffling from behind her screen as she looks through her notes.
  318. >Moon: "There's a sign bolted onto the door that says, "put in gold to enter". Below the sign is a dark opening, clearly meant to put coins into."
  319. >Lemon: "So, it's a magic door that demands payment?"
  320. >Moon: "Yes."
  321. >Minuette snorts from beside you and crosses her forelegs.
  322. >Minuette: "Tartarus, no. I took that "Jew" perk for a dang good reason, Moondancer. I won't be participating in opening this door."
  323. >Twinkleshine's mouth gapes open in outrage at Minuette's selfishness.
  324. >Twinkle: "But you have the most gold!"
  325. >Of course she would.
  326. >Minuette smiles smugly at her friend, taking gleeful pleasure in the grief she's causing.
  327. >Minuette: "Sorry, Twinkles. You're going to have to find a way to get around that door if you want in."
  328. >It needs gold, eh?
  329. >Hmmm....
  330. >.....
  331. >Fuck it.
  332. "Hey."
  333. >The other mares, Minuette in particular, jump at the sound of your voice.
  334. >It seems that they'd forgotten you were there and simply fell into their usual groove.
  335. >They all turn to face you, and you can barely keep the stupid grin off of your face.
  336. "Remember that sacrifice I took? The "little colt's bladder" trait?"
  337. >YOU sure do.
  338. >You nearly wiped more than once against a group of kobolds thanks to the mares insisting on defending your character whilst he took a leak.
  339. >Such is the life of Cuntkicker.
  340. "I go over to the coin depository, unbuckle my crotch-plate, and pee into it."
  341. >The mares, with the exception of Minuette, are stunned into silence.
  342. >Minuette has been taken by a fit of laughter.
  343. >This is the dumbest thing you've ever done in a campaign.
  344. >Moondancer is silent for the longest time, longer than Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts.
  345. >Moon: "....I'll allow it."
  346. >Twinkle: "What?!"
  347. >Twinkleshine is on her hooves in an instant.
  348. >Twinkle: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Why would you allow that?! You keep making all these exceptions for him just because he's a sta-"
  349. >Moondancer; sweet, meek Moondancer, slams her hoof onto the table and silences Twinkleshine.
  350. >Moon: "Shut up, Twinkleshine! You've done nothing but complain since Anon started playing. If you don't like it, then you can leave."
  351. >Woah.
  352. >You don't know what's more impressive; that Moondancer stood up for herself, or the shit-fit that Twinkleshine threw over a game.
  353. "Okay, wow. Look, if this is really going to cause this kind of trouble, I'll try something else."
  354. >Moondancer glares at you.
  355. >Moon: "No, Anonymous. Your move is fine."
  356. >Twinkleshine gapes at Moondancer in disbelief before sinking back into her plush horsechair, mumbling to herself the entire time.
  357. >Twinkle: "This is such horseapples."
  358. >Moondancer takes a moment to collect herself before addressing the group again.
  359. >Moon: "The door sputters and chokes as Cuntkicker p-pees into the coin-hole. In an instant, it leaps out of the wall and attacks Cuntkicker."
  360. >Minuette gasps.
  361. >Minuette: "It's a mimic!"
  362. >You look over to Lemon Hearts for any input, only to see a brightly-blushing mare who refuses to meet your eye.
  363. >What is she... oh.
  364. >Oh!
  365. >Ew.
  366.  
  367. You are Anon, regretter of decisions, and the camera is on you right now instead of the DM.
  368. >Tearing yourself away from Lemon Hearts, whose name takes a brand new meaning to you, you take in the situation at hand.
  369. >You've got some kind of door-monster whose.... orifice you've unintentionally relieved yourself into.
  370. >Quite understandably, it's not very happy with you.
  371. >You can think of only one person who wouldn't be less than thrilled at the situation, and you feel kind of uncomfortable when you look at her.
  372. >Planting her hooves on the table, Minuette speaks up before Moondancer can really do anything with her Mimic.
  373. >Minuette: "I cast 'Summon Nature's Ally!'! I'll summon...."
  374. >She leafs though a hard-cover book and scans down a list of names.
  375. >Minuette: "...a Dire Ape."
  376. >Nice.
  377. >Moon: "Alright. You su-"
  378. >Minuette: "She's special! She's intelligent enough to speak broken equis, and I've taught her how to wield hoof-held crossbows."
  379. >Minuette clears her throat and hunches herself over to imitate the appearance of an ape.
  380. >When she speaks, it's in a deep and gravely voice.
  381. >Minuette: "Dis gon' be gud"
  382. >Love it.
  383. >Normally you'd call bullshit on Minuette, but then you remember that you aren't actually playing D&D.
  384. >This is O&O, a similar game developed independently from D&D in a completely different universe with completely different sentient life forms.
  385. >You feel like a fucking idiot to have thought it would be a carbon copy of D&D.
  386. >Geez you're dumb.
  387.  
  388. >You go back to being Moondancer.
  389. >Minuette has just summoned a completely normal Ape who is also Dire.
  390. >Minuette: "The Dire Ape spreads its insect wings and takes flight!"
  391. >There is nothing wrong with that statement right there.
  392. >Nothing at all.
  393. >None.
  394. "Gimme a roll for that, Minny."
  395. >You sure do hope that the Dire Ape passes.
  396. >There's nothing you love more than to watch the annual Ape migrations.
  397. >They look so majestic as they fly over the Everfree and out towards the Crystal Empire
  398. >You usually go with your friends here, but m-maybe Anonymous would like to join you?
  399. >He's kind of an ape too, right?
  400. >Will it make him sad to see his cousins fly away?
  401. >Ooh... maybe he'll need a nice warm hug from a nice gal like you.
  402. >You don't know if you can do that. Will he be expecting one from you?
  403. >How long are you supposed to hug him for?
  404. >Oh Celestia thi-
  405. >Minuette cusses a swear, bringing you back from another one of your anxiety-ridden day-terrors.
  406. >Minuette: "Four."
  407. >Her response comes out as a disappointed grumble, which is no surprise; she loves the ape migrations just as much as you do.
  408. >Anon: "Wait, hold on. Apes don't have wings."
  409. "Yes they do, Anonymous. How else would they fly south for the winter?"
  410. >Anon: "What?"
  411. >What?
  412. >Minuette: "Can I still attack with my ape?"
  413. "Uh, yeah. Go ahead."
  414. >Twinkleshine gives you the stinkeye, but you ignore it for now.
  415. >Anon's here, so you gotta get that ape out into play! He might think you're racist if you don't give it SOME kind of advantage.
  416. >Minuette nudges her ape miniature towards the little plastic Mimic, putting her within arm's reach of the fake door.
  417. >Minuette: "She bashes the Mimic with her fists in a fit of rage."
  418. >You grimace.
  419. "I keep forgetting how uncontrollable Dire Apes can be. Do you have a plan to make sure she doesn't turn on you once she loots the body?"
  420. >Minuette gives you a blank look and you resist the urge to facehoof.
  421. "Just roll for damage."
  422. >Minuette's roll takes the Mimic down to half health and dazes the monster, losing its turn.
  423. "Twinkleshine, you're up."
  424. >Twinkleshine doesn't even bother looking at her character sheet.
  425. >Twinkle: "I cast Continual Flame at the Mimic."
  426. >Zigga, u wot?
  427. "You sure about that, Twinkleshine?"
  428. >Twinkleshine glances at Anonymous real quick and then glares at you with a hint of a blush on her cheeks.
  429. >Twinkle: Of COURSE I'm sure, Moondancer. I've played this game before.
  430. >You live for moments like this.
  431. "Alright. White-hot flames burst from your outstretched horn and scream towards the Mimic. It doesn't have a chance to get out of the way before it is engulfed in your magical pyre."
  432. >Twinkleshine looks at you expectantly.
  433. >Twinkle: "Well?"
  434. >You give her the smuggest grin you can muster.
  435. "Well, what?"
  436. >Twinkle: "What about the damage?"
  437. "There isn't any damage done. Look at your character sheet."
  438. >Twinkleshine grumbles to herself as she scans down the list of her spells. She freezes half-way down.
  439. >Twinkle: "....buck."
  440. >Twinkleshine slams a hoof onto the table, knocking a can of Dew onto her lap.
  441. >Twinkle: "Buck!"
  442. >Twinkleshine jumps back and spazzes out like a scrub, trying to save her can.
  443. >Anon: "...what's the problem?"
  444. >Oh Luna, you keep forgetting he's here.
  445. "Oh, uh... Continual Flame is a... it doesn't do any damage. It's permanent and heatless."
  446. >Twinkleshine pipes up from her position on the floor.
  447. >Twinkle: "I was trying to cast Flaming Sphere!"
  448. >Her can of Dew floats up in her magical aura. Her entire section of the table smells like citrus.
  449. >Twinkle: "I... damn it!"
  450. >Minuette: "You tried."
  451. >Twinkleshine just hides her face in her hooves, looking and sounding defeated.
  452. >Twinkle: "I did."
  453. >Hehehe you love that mare.
  454. [spoiler]>N-not that you're exclusively into MARES or anything.
  455. >You don't know what you're talking about, mom![/spoiler]
  456. "Twinkleshine, the other players can't tell the difference between your various fire spells. All they can see is a monster consumed by flames that doesn't seem to be in any pain. Cuntkicker, Grimfeathers, and Ivory Dawn will all have to take -2 to all rolls due to intimidation."
  457. >Minuette: "Nice job, plothole."
  458. >With a nasally laugh, you magically poke Lemon Hearts in the cheek.
  459. "Lemon Hearts, you're next."
  460. >Lemon carefully looks over her character sheet before making her decision.
  461. >Lemon: "I cast 'Summon Potato'!"
  462. >The table goes quiet.
  463. >You still don't understand how that spell can be just level one.
  464. >Why would she be given access to such a powerful poison?
  465. >And why is Anonymous laughing?!
  466. >Lemon: "I toss them into the Mimic's mouth."
  467. >What a stone-cold bitch.
  468. >Lemon Hearts rolls her dice, landing a 17.
  469. "With a hearty burst of magic, you propel your dangerous cargo right into the monster's gob. In less than a minute, the beast is dead."
  470. >You're so glad that Lemon's spell can only be cast one per session.
  471. >It'd be so OP otherwise.
  472.  
  473.  
  474. >Be Moondancer, DM for the evening.
  475. >You've just led your party through a perilous dungeon full of monsters, traps, and monsters pretending to be items.
  476. >Heh.
  477. >Best. Encounter. Ever.
  478. >fatcomicbookmare.png
  479. >There had been many tight scraped, but your adventure is nearly to an end.
  480. "Alright, gals, here it is. You've entered a long hallway that leads to a throne room."
  481. >You level a glare at each of them, and you're proud to say that they glared back at you with just as much ferocity.
  482. "With walls of stone, the only remarkable feature you can see is a pool of water in the middle of the hallway."
  483. >You place a blue rectangle onto the map, a few squares ahead of them.
  484. "The waters are still and you can see nothing under the surface."
  485. >Behind your screen, you do a couple of rolls; spot checks.
  486. >They all fail.
  487. >Twinkle: "Do I notice anything out of place?"
  488. >You suppress a smirk and glance down at your dice again.
  489. "No; nothing seems out of place. As far as you can tell, this is just an example of a poorly-maintained dungeon experiencing some flooding."
  490. >Twinkleshine nods, but says nothing.
  491. >The others, however, exchange suspicious looks.
  492. >They know this is bullshit, but their CHARACTERS don't.
  493. >They're walking into a trap and they know it.
  494. >Anonymous sighs and reaches out for his character figurine, moving it towards the pool of water.
  495. >Anon: "I guess we move forward, then. How deep is the pool?"
  496. "Four feet."
  497. >Lemon Hearts winces.
  498. >Lemon: "Welp."
  499. >Twinkle: "Do we swim? It doesn't look like we have much choice here."
  500. >Minuette gives that damn smirk of hers and crosses her forelegs.
  501. >Minuette: "Maybe YOU scrubs have to swim; Grimfeathers is a griffin, you shitladies."
  502. >Minuette looks over to you while using her magic to move her figurine over across the water.
  503. >Minuette: "I fly across the water."
  504. >The group collectively holds its breath as Grimfeathers spreads her wings and soars across the pool of water.
  505. >For a long moment, nopony says anything.
  506. "You make it across. You are now at the other side of the pool."
  507. >Minuette doesn't even look surprised.
  508. >Twinkle: "Okay, then!"
  509. >Twinkleshine looks relieved; the fool.
  510. >The FOOL.
  511. >Twinkle: "I swim across."
  512. >She, too, magicks her figurine across the water.
  513. >Lemon: "Uhm, gals? This might be a problem, but Crystal Rose can't swim. I took that penalty so that I could vomit material components, remember?"
  514. "I guess you'll just have to get creative."
  515. >Anon: "Hey."
  516. >You look over to see Anonymous chewing on a finger, deep in thought.
  517. >Anon: "Can I throw Crystal Rose far enough?"
  518. >A quick strength and dexterity roll confirms that he cannot, in fact, throw Lemon Hearts's character across.
  519. >Anon: "Well, then, I guess I'll just have to carry Rosy across. I'm tall enough to wade through the water."
  520. >Lemon Hearts is looking a bit flustered all of the sudden.
  521. >Lemon: "C-carry me? Like, on y-your back?"
  522. >Anon: "Yup, just like this."
  523. >Lemon: "Just li-Wooohh!"
  524. >Lemon Hearts scoots back as Anonymous gets to his feet and approaches her, reaching out to grab her.
  525. >Anon: "Stay still! Lemme pick you up, Lemon Hearts!"
  526. >Lemon Hearts falls onto the ground and pushes herself away from the colt, her panicked face flushed.
  527. >Lemon: "Wh-No! What're you eve- stop that!"
  528. >She bats a hoof at Anon, striking his hand.
  529. >Lemon: "You STOP that!"
  530. >Anon: "Just get up on my - there!"
  531. >Anonymous stands tall, hands on his hips, looking proud and pleased as bucking punch.
  532. >Sitting atop his head is none other than Lemon Hearts, who's holding on for dear life.
  533. >Guess she isn't used to being so high up.
  534.  
  535. ---------------------------------------
  536.  
  537. >You are Anon.
  538. >Ponies make the comfiest hats.
  539. >You know this for a fact.
  540. >Guess you should put the tiny pony down, though.
  541.  
  542. ---------------------------------------
  543.  
  544. >You are once more Moondancer, and it's time to get serious again, you guys.
  545. >Come on, stop fooling around, okay?"
  546. "Cuntkicker (-snk!-) and Crystal Rose decide to ford the river."
  547. >You roll a quick die and smile.
  548. >This does not go unnoticed by your pony friends.
  549. "Crystal? From such a high vantage point, you have a much clearer view of the area around you. You find it strange that there's no algae or plant-life growing above or around the stagnant pool of water"
  550. >Another die roll; success.
  551. "The smell of oil registers. Cuntkicker, you notice a slick liquid sitting on top of the water, reflecting in the distant torchlight."
  552. >Anon: "Oh, no..."
  553. >Oh, yes.
  554. >Your horn glows momentarily, and the blue rectangle on your map turns orange.
  555. "There's a bright spark, and the surface of the pool is aflame. Crystal takes two damage for being up so high, and Cuntkicker takes four for being right at the source of the fire."
  556. >Anonymous has his head in his hands, and Lemon Hearts is nibbling her horsechips nervously.
  557. >That's right, little ponies.
  558. >And Anonymous.
  559. >Cower.
  560. >Cower and beg for mercy.
  561. >Anonymous peeks out at you through his fingers and you've never really noticed what a beautiful colour his eyes are oh my goodness
  562. >Oh, you could wake up looking at those eyes.
  563. >....how long do you have to date a colt before you can share a bed together?
  564. >Oh Luna, your bed is a MESS.
  565. >There's old food wrappers and bags of hay-chips just EVERYWHERE.
  566. >UGH!
  567. >You want human cuddles, but you don't want to do the cuddling in your house!
  568. >You can't just invite yourself to a colt's house to cuddle; can you?
  569. >That's jus-
  570. >Anon: "Moondancer?"
  571. "Hmm? What?"
  572. >Oh right, the game.
  573. >Whoops.
  574. >Uhm...
  575. "S-sorry, Anonymous. What did you, you know, just say? Again?"
  576. >Oh, so you're going with your charms to win this stallion over, eh Moonie?
  577. >Anonymous smiles, not giving any indication that he caught you staring longingly into his eyes for the last minute or so.
  578. >Anon: "I asked if I was close enough to throw Crystal Rose across the rest of the way."
  579. >Oh.
  580. >Yeah, you guess you can give them this.
  581. >You DID just sort of immolate them.
  582. >You don't even bother rolling.
  583. "Cuntkicker, you're filled with adrenaline. You can now overcome the distance between you and the distant shore."
  584. >Anon: "I grab Crystal Rose around the middle and throw her as hard as I can."
  585. >You once more magic a figurine over to the other side of the pool.
  586. "Crystal Rose soars through the air like a majestic bird. Her landing puts out the flames that were just moments ago engulfing her."
  587. >Minuette: "W-wait, where does that leave Anon's character?"
  588. >A quick burst of magic makes the Cuntkicker figurine glow.
  589. "Still in the fire."
  590.  
  591. >You are Anon, and you are in a dire fucking situation.
  592. >Your best-made character yet, Cuntkicker the Unwashed, is on fire.
  593. >You've been in situations similar to this before, back on Earth way back when.
  594. >You've encountered fire damage and flaming weapons, even a spirit composed entirely of fire.
  595. >You've never actually BEEN on fire before, though.
  596. >Shit kinda sucks.
  597. >There's only one thing you know to do in a situation like this, and you're pretty sure that it's only a temporary solution.
  598. >You learned this from that one time you were running away from some wasps when you were a kid.
  599. >You came across a pond and thought that you had the perfect plan.
  600. >Lesson learned that day: Wasps express only two qualities: Spite, and patience.
  601. >And you know what?
  602. >So does fire.
  603.  
  604. --------------------------------------
  605.  
  606. >You are Twinkleshine, aka Ivory Dawn.
  607. >Yes.
  608. >YES.
  609. >Moonie's finally taken off the foal booties with Anonymous.
  610. >He's been given special treatment this entire time and it's made you SO MAD.
  611. >You mean, this is just so much like Moondancer to "m'lord" all over a colt and spill her spaghetti all over the place.
  612. >You aren't getting laid doin' that shit, Moonie!
  613. >Sun-DAMN you don't know why this horseapples makes you so mad, but it does.
  614. >But now, push has finally come to shove.
  615. >No more extra EXP from doing sub-par roleplaying
  616. >No more doing stupid dumb things and being allowed to do them just because he's got a ding-a-ling between his legs.
  617. >For the first time in the trillion bucking hours you've been "playing" O&O with Anonymous, he's finally in a situation where actual nerd-cred comes into play.
  618. >Let's see you penis your way out of this one, you fake gamer guy!
  619. >Flame, foal! Flame!
  620. >This is for making your mane all gross and sticky from the Dew.
  621. ------------------------------------
  622.  
  623. >You are Lemon Hearts, or as you're known for this session: Crystal Rose.
  624. >Cuntkicker's in some deep trouble.
  625. >Is this your fault?
  626. >Moondancer's been going kinda easy on the colt today, see, and that fire trap really only sprung up while you were on the minotaur's head.
  627. >You're pretty sure that was meant for you, and Anonymous got caught up in the crossfire.
  628. >Oh geez, you really hope he isn't going to hold this against you.
  629. >Un-unless he wants to~
  630. >If you're responsible for chasing off the only colt that's EVER played O&O with you and the gals, you'll NEVER live it down.
  631. >You'll be kicked out for sure.
  632. >You're just the fat little filly whose vag is stained orange from all those dumb horsechips you eat.
  633. >The least-loved member of this group of four.
  634. >The others don't need to say anything; you can see it in their eyes.
  635. >Oh Celestia, this is why you stress-eat.
  636. >You should probably do something for Ano-Cuntkicker.
  637. >Something for Anonymous THROUGH Cuntkicker.
  638. >Oh lord above, it would be just AWFUL if he thought you were doing something for him because you liked him.
  639. >No no no, you don't need to see that look of disgust on his face if he thinks that you wanna maybe hang out with him later or something.
  640. >Just gotta roleplay super-hard and make it CLEAR that anything you do for him is Crystal Rose helping out a fellow team member.
  641. >It's time to look through your spell book.
  642.  
  643. ------------------------------------------
  644.  
  645. >You are Minuette, the least spazzed-out member of this rag-tag group of buckin' nerds.
  646. >You've got the best character here: Grimfeathers, a father-bucking GRIFFIN.
  647. >'LESTIA you love griffins.
  648. >They're super-bucking-OP in this edition of Ogres and Oubliettes, and that's why you like them.
  649. >Fire trap? Water pool?
  650. >Wings, bastards!
  651. >The only way a griffin could get better is if they were invisible.
  652. >What?
  653. >Oh, right, Cunty's on fire.
  654. >Boomshaka-laka!
  655. >Hoofball is great.
  656. >Horseapples, right!
  657. >Focus, Minny.
  658. >What can you possibly do to help in this situation?
  659. >Turning into a bear probably won't help; you're pretty sure that bears can still catch fire.
  660. >Heh.
  661. >All this attention on the stallion's character.
  662. >Moonie's one of you, so she knew that this would happen.
  663. >It's like she's doing this on purpose.
  664. >.....
  665. >....oh twist your teats, she IS doing this on purpose.
  666.  
  667. ----------------------------------------
  668.  
  669. >You are Moonie, and you've decided to give your group the time to talk for a bit.
  670. >Five minutes is more than enough before you start giving fire damage to Anonymous every minute or something like that.
  671. >.....is that how often you're supposed to do it?
  672. >Buck.
  673. >You need to check the rules.
  674. >You keep forgetting a bunch of basic stuff whenever it comes to Anonymous.
  675. >It's like it was all instinctual until you actually had to think about it.
  676. >UGH
  677. >Why does Anonymous have to be a colt?
  678. >Why do you have to such a LOSER?!
  679. >Oh no, you're starting to sweat again.
  680. >Why did you have to wear your turtleneck sweater again?!
  681. >When was the last time you washed it?
  682. >Was it recently?
  683. >You sure HOPE it was recently.
  684. >He can probably smell you from here.
  685. >Why is Twinkles glaring at you?
  686. >Has it been long enough?
  687. >Should you be doing the fire da-
  688. "Two damage to Cuntkicker for being on fire!"
  689. >Wow, that sure was loud.
  690. >Everypony (and Anonymous) jumps at the sound of your voice.
  691. >Yeah, that was way too loud.
  692. >Good job, plothole.
  693. >Keep it going, Moonie; don't stop now or you'll look like a spazz.
  694. "Time's up; start rolling those dice of yours."
  695. >Anonymous is up first.
  696. >Anon: "I take a deep breath and dive underwater. Then I swim over to where the other party members are."
  697. >Easy enough.
  698. "The flames engulfing you are extinguished. However, you have serious burns all along your upper body, so progress to the shore will be slow-going."
  699. >Anonymous nods and begins to mark down the fire damage to his character sheet.
  700. "Ivory Dawn? It's your turn."
  701. >Twinkleshine looks away at you, taking time away from her hobby of glaring at the human.
  702. >Twinkle: "What? Oh, uh, right. My turn?"
  703. >You nod.
  704. >Twinkle: "Okay, I... uh. I look around, I guess."
  705. >You look over the description printed in your brand-new adventure book (the one you ripped a page out of to give to Anonymous so he'd know where to go) and locate the description of the room.
  706. "The room is immaculate. The masonry is of the highest quality and menaces with spikes of steel and gold. Pillars support the high, arced ceiling, and stained-glass windows let in just enough light to see. Time has passed since you started this adventure, and it is nearing sundown."
  707. >Twinkle: "Okay. I ca-"
  708. >Haha, NOPE.
  709. >This is what you get for being a cunt, you cunt.
  710. "That constitutes your move, Ivory Dawn. It's Crystal Rose's turn now.
  711. >Lemon Hearts looks over her sheet.
  712. >Lemon: "I cast 'Bugbear's Endurance' on Cuntkicker. That way he can get some kind of bonus for his swimming, right?"
  713. >You grab your manual and look up "swimming".
  714. "Yup, he gets a bonus for holding his breath. That's something he'll need."
  715. >Anonymous reaches over and rustles Lemon Heart's mane, and she makes the most adorable noise, oh your gosh.
  716. >....
  717. >There isn't anything GAY about that.
  718. "Okay, done and done. Grimfeathers? What're you gonna do?"
  719. >Minuette looks grim, which is very out-of-place for a mare like her.
  720. >Minuette: "Did none of you actually think of looking for enemies?"
  721. >Finally.
  722. >Twinkleshine speaks up, looking irate.
  723. >What else is new?
  724. >Twinkle: "I said that I looked around!"
  725. >Minuette: "No, you never said that you were looking for enemies."
  726. >Twinkle: "That's so dumb! How is that any different? When I say I look around, that implies that I'm looking for en-"
  727. >Minuette: "No it doesn't! And even if it did, your character probably has a terrible spot check."
  728. >Twinkle: "Well if I want to look for enemies, then what am I supposed to say? Tell me, if you're so smart."
  729. >Ah, a classic nerd-battle.
  730. >You've missed these. You hadn't had a single one since Anonymous joined the party.
  731. >Minuette: "Dungeon Mistress?"
  732. >....
  733. >Oh! That's you!
  734. "Y-yes, Minu-Grimfeathers?"
  735. >Minuette: "Grimfeathers is suspicious about the trap and looks around SPECIFICALLY - "
  736. >Minuette glares at Twinkleshine.
  737. >Minuette: " - for enemies or any other creatures hidden in the dark."
  738. >Twinkle: "Moonie, don't you dare. Don't you bucking DARE."
  739. "It's up to the dice, Twinkleshine. You failed your spot check before."
  740. >Twinkleshine bucking FLIPS her box of Dew cans.
  741. >You can hear a few of them breaking open and spilling all over your carpet.
  742. >Twinkle's character is SO not going to survive this next encounter.
  743. "You see a skeletal figure rising up from a throne at the far end of the room."
  744. >You reach into a nearby box of figurines and pull out a rather large one. You plunk it on the table-map.
  745. "A skeleton stands before you. An ancient, tattered robe obscures her four legs, but is torn around the hips and neck. You can see patches of furless skin stretched tight over her pronounced bone structure, terrifying you to your core. When she moves, she doesn't seem to move her legs, and her robes flow in an unseen breeze, thicker than air but thinner than water."
  746.  
  747. ----------------------------------
  748. Battle scene is a work in progress:
  749.  
  750.  
  751. By the way, for those of you who are stupid like me and need a legend:
  752. Anon: Cuntkicker
  753. Minuette: Grimfeathers, griffin druid
  754. Twinkle: Ivory Dawn, uni wizard
  755. Lemon: Crystal Rose, uni cleric
  756.  
  757. >You are Ivory Dawn, and you stand before you wretched enemy.
  758. >A foul mockery to living ponies, brought to animation though majykks so dark that you would have them cast out and forgotten rather than remembered.
  759. >This is what you've been tasked in killing.
  760. >Sent in by cowards for a fool's errand.
  761. >You gaze upon its ruined visage and take in the rotting skin and exposed bone.
  762. >And those eyes.
  763. >Those horrible, empty eyes.
  764. >Perhaps you ARE a fool.
  765. >And fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
  766. >It might be wishful thinking, but you think that this... skeletal beast looks fragile enough.
  767.  
  768. ------------------------
  769.  
  770. >You are Twinkleshine.
  771. "DM?"
  772. >Moonie looks your way.
  773. "I cast - "
  774.  
  775. ------------------------
  776.  
  777. " - Shatter!"
  778. >A ripple in the air is the only indication that your spell had been cast.
  779. >Looking like air heating above a fire, your spell quickly closes the distance between you and your foe.
  780. >With an ear-bursting ~BAMF~, the spell impacts!
  781. >The skeletal creature stumbles back and its bones shake unnaturally in their sockets, but it is otherwise unharmed.
  782. >....no.
  783. >No, that was supposed to work.
  784.  
  785. >You are Minuette, and you're pretty sure that's a lich.
  786. >It's described as a skeletal pony, but after all this?
  787. >A skeleton is too clean.
  788. >Too simple.
  789. >Too easy.
  790. "Hey, Moons, I wanna roll my wisdom to see what I know about this thing."
  791. >Plastic impacts against wood from behind the Dungeon Master's sleeve, and you wait with baited breath.
  792. >"Seventeen."
  793.  
  794. -----------------------
  795.  
  796. >"Ivory!"
  797. >You whip your head towards your companion.
  798. >Griffins are often so fearless, so arrogant and cock-sure of their superiority.
  799. >But Grimfeathers looks afraid.
  800. >This, not the skeletal pony, makes you feel a spike of dread bloom in your tummy tum tums.
  801. >"A lich! The creature is a lich!"
  802. >Your blood runs cold, and you forget to breath.
  803. >"A powerful one if I'm right. See those robes? See the.... the eyes? That means it was strong in life."
  804. >Grimfeathers' feathers ruffle instinctively as she pauses to get another good look at the lich.
  805. >She continues.
  806. >"...and even stronger in death."
  807. >You hear a scream; not one of yours, and you look back over to your foe.
  808. >It's standing up.
  809. >You're facing a lich; and you woke it up.
  810.  
  811. ---------------------------
  812.  
  813. >Be Cuntkicker
  814. >Be formally on fire
  815. >Be currently drowning
  816. >Have second and third degree burns all over your everywhere
  817. >You think you heard something about an itch, or a ditch, or something like that.
  818. >You're pretty sure your teammates have it all under control.
  819.  
  820. ------------------------
  821.  
  822. >Still Ivory Dawn
  823. >Still facing a lich
  824. >Still pissing your horsepants
  825. "Hey, uh.... Crystal?"
  826. >You keep your eyes locked on the lich's empty sockets.
  827. "You maybe got some spells for the undead?"
  828. >The lich takes a step forward and you involuntarily take one of your own in the opposite direction.
  829. "Please?"
  830.  
  831. >You feel a hoof on your withers and a shimmering shield erupts around you.
  832. >"Be at peace, friend. Salvation is at hand. I've Protected you From Evil."
  833.  
  834. >Be Minuette, aka Grimfeathers the griffin druid.
  835. >Shit sucks, yo.
  836. >Cuntkicker is drowning and this lich is spooking your characters something awful.
  837. >Time to summon a monster.
  838. "Moons? I cast 'Summon Nature's Ally, level 3'."
  839. >A die roll.
  840. >"One."
  841. >Horsefeathers.
  842.  
  843. -------------------------------------------
  844.  
  845. >Back to being Ivory Dawn.
  846. >The wind has picked up in the dungeon despite being hundreds of feet below the surface.
  847. >Dust that had settled hundreds of years ago on the stone floor and rotting wooden furniture is kicked up.
  848. >Grimfeather's eyes glow eerily as she channels the arcane energies you know so well.
  849. >The very fabric of reality bends to her will, and it seems that everypony in the room, even the lich, stop what they are doing to watch Grimfeathers.
  850. >With a mighty roar, Grimfeathers thrusts her staff forwards and releases the energy she had been gathering.
  851. >The resulting flash of light forces you to step back.
  852. >Partly out of shock, and partly to make room for whatever mighty creature she has summoned.
  853. >......
  854. >An enormous sharp-toothed fish is flopping on the ground in front of Grimfeathers.
  855. >Without any water, it can't breath.
  856.  
  857. >Buck's sake.
  858. >Brilliant.
  859. >Just brilliant.
  860. >Couldn't have even dumped it on top of the lich.
  861. >It's just... there.
  862. >On the floor.
  863. >Dying.
  864. >Nopony moves; not even the lich.
  865. >You all stand around and watch the fish asphyxiate.
  866. >This event feels special; like it has to be acknowledged.
  867. >A monument of Grimfeather's failure.
  868.  
  869. ~SPLOOSH~
  870.  
  871. >On the plus side, you are now one party member stronger.
  872. >With a splash and a scream of victory and/or pain, Cuntkicker erupts from the burning water and flops onto the ground.
  873. >He'll probably be wondering why there's an enormous fish lying dead on the ground, but you can explain things to the colt later.
  874. >You need to keep them focused on one thing or else they don't get anything done.
  875.  
  876. >You are Cuntkicker.
  877. >You are in a lot of pain.
  878. >You can see everypony standing in front of something.
  879. >A fish?
  880. >Not an itch or a ditch?
  881. >Is that what's got everypony up in arms?
  882. >Fucking ponies, man.
  883.  
  884.  
  885. >You are Moondancer, and things are going much better than you expected them to.
  886. >Twinkleshine has stopped glaring at Anonymous for the first time since you gals began playing, which means the human might actually be interested in coming back for another game.
  887. >Maybe...
  888. >Maybe he'd rub your horn again.
  889. >Oh Luna's Moon, would he actually do that?
  890. >He already did it once in front of all your friends.
  891. >Oh mare oh mare
  892. >You might even form a herd with Anonymous!
  893. >Oh, you'd be the perfect gentlemare with him! You'd buy him all the jewellery and O&O miniatures he could ever want!
  894. >You aren't like all those OTHER mares who would expect a hot dinner ready for you the moment you home from work.
  895. >You're a progressive mare!
  896. >If anything, YOU would be the one in the kitchen.
  897. >sunhatTippingIntensifies.parchment
  898. >Oh, ew.
  899. >That was cringy even for YOU.
  900.  
  901.  
  902. >You are Anon
  903. >Shit's boring, yo.
  904. >All this time you've spent playing a game of Ogres and Oubliettes with these cute little horses, and now you're on fire and also crippled.
  905. >Your character, you mean.
  906. >Not a whole lot is happening right now.
  907. >You can't actually DO anything because of the massive penalties you're taking.
  908. >Being injured and in extreme pain doesn't make for a fun character with which to play.
  909. >Twinkle: "Buck you, Moonie! This is such... juh... Argh!"
  910. >Welp, there goes Twinkleshine again.
  911. >You wonder what pissed her off this time.
  912. >Moonie: "Deal with it, Twinkles. You flopped the Fortitude roll, so now your character's paralysed, okay?!"
  913. >Ouch.
  914. >Must've gotten touched by the Lich.
  915. >Kind of like the perverted version of being touched by an angel.
  916. >Twinkle: "After the colt leaves, I am going to PEE on everything you love."
  917. >Ew.
  918. >You bet it smells like all that Dew she's been downing tonight.
  919. >Man, you're going to have to get that hoodie washed.
  920. >You HATE going to Rarity for this shit.
  921. >You always come back with a pair of socks or underwear missing, and you know for fucking sure that Rarity's taking them.
  922. >You wonder what she does with your dirty clothes, anyway.
  923. >Probably eats them, the perv.
  924. >That smelly, soiled cloth sliding over her tongue and down her throat...
  925. >The taste of your crotch staining her tongue for hours and hours...
  926. >She probably wonders what the real thing would taste like.
  927. >...Maybe you should talk to - "
  928. >Moonie: "Cun-um, Anonymous? You can - uh, you're good to go, now."
  929. >What?
  930. "What?"
  931. >Moonie looks a bit embarrassed that you were too bored with the game to pay attention.
  932. >Moonie: "Crystal Rose - "
  933. >Lemon Hearts waves an orange-stained hoof at you, smiling shyly at you.
  934. >Moonie: " - has FINALLY managed to learn how to roll some dice, so your character's healed now."
  935. >Sweet deal.
  936.  
  937. "So, what's the situation?"
  938. >The girls kind of glare at you a little bit; Twinkleshine more than any other.
  939. >You know how things work down here in horseland, and you're playing into a SORTS of "gamergirl" tropes right now.
  940. "To recap, I mean. Get it all fresh in my mind."
  941. >You make a few wild hand-gestures to emphasize your point, but the ponies don't seem impressed.
  942. >Minuette, in particular, can see through your bullshit and is struggling not to laugh.
  943. >Keep it up, you cheeky cunt.
  944. >Your daddy didn't raise no queer-fag; y'all ain't 'fraid to hit no girl.
  945. >Moonie: "Well, Lemon's character just finished healing you, so she's right by your side."
  946. >She gestures to Minuette, who smirks and winks at you.
  947. >Yeah, she knows you weren't paying attention.
  948. >If she tries to hold this over your head the next time you play, you're going to go out of your way to make things difficult for her player.
  949. >Your creative usage of a 10-foot collapsible pole wasn't an accident, Minuette.
  950. >Just you wait.
  951. >We'll see who gets what shoved up their cooter.
  952. >Hint: It's you, and a ten-foot collapsible pole.
  953. >[spoiler]Otherwise known as your penis aahhHAHAHAHAkillyourself[/spoiler]
  954. >Moonie: "...at Minuette's character is up to, and Twinkleshine's character, Ivory Dawn, is, as far as you can tell, dead."
  955. >Shit, son, what did you miss?
  956. >Your eyebrows shoot up towards your hairline, and you begin to get the feeling that you're deserving of Minuette's silent, judgemental scorn.
  957. "Dead?"
  958. >Twinkleshine angrily sips at her Dew and slams the empty can against her forehead, trying to make it collapse.
  959. >Twinkle: "Ow! Oh, buck, that was stupid."
  960. >The can has proven itself the victory and has branded Twinkleshine's forehead with its brand: the indentation made from the tab.
  961. >Twinkleshine's face fur is now saturated by the little bit of drink that got stuck in the can, further adding to her humiliation.
  962. >What a putz.
  963.  
  964. >Twinkleshine throws the can behind her into the ever-growing pile of Dew and tries to pretend that the whole ordeal never happened.
  965. >This is ruined when some Dew trickles down directly into her eyeball, and she has to sit still and pretend that it doesn't hurt like a MOTHERFUCKER to get soda in your eyes.
  966. >When she speaks, her voice is shaking with pain and embarrassment.
  967. >Twinkle: "Sh-she's nohhaawwt! Dead. She isn't dead; ju-ah! Just paralysed, buck my LIFE!"
  968. >Unable to take the pain any longer, Twinkleshine rubs her hooves furiously at her eyes.
  969. >You would laugh, but nothing about what just happened was funny.
  970. >Just embarrassing and painful to watch.
  971. >It's like high school all over again.
  972. >Eaugh.
  973. >Moonie looks around the room, uncomfortable and no-doubt feeling second-hand embarrassment from her friend's display.
  974. >Moonie: "Yeah, uh, that... that's true."
  975. >She finally gets the courage to look you in the eyes, but just barely.
  976. >Moonie: "You can't use any out-of-character knowledge though, Anonymous. You... it doesn't work that way, 'kay?"
  977. "Gotcha."
  978. >You look your character over; he's at low health, bleeding, recovering from injury, and still in some amount of pain.
  979. >And you're apparently taking a fear penalty from the Lich?
  980. >That amounts to.....
  981. "Oh, fuck my asshole. For real?"
  982. >A -7 penalty.
  983. >Bullshit.
  984. >The next fifteen turns are spent with you trying to kill the Lich Queen while Moonie takes pity on you and avoids attacking your character.
  985.  
  986. >You are Moondancer.
  987. >You've made things hard enough on the only colt in the room, so you're taking it a bit easy on him.
  988. >....maybe a LOT easy.
  989. >He's tried to attack your Lich Queen for the last fifteen turns, but he's failed terribly thanks to that penalty against him.
  990. >He probably thinks you're taunting him.
  991. >Now he'll never touch your horn ever again.
  992.  
  993. >Anon: "Fine, dammit! I don't care what Cuntkicker does. In fact, I say he goes and kicks the lich in her skeletal cooter. Can you do that for me, Moonie? Hmm? It's been fifteen goddamn turns and my minotaur has been sitting there doing fuck-all."
  994. >Hoo-boy, this colt is pissed.
  995. >You roll and prepare to take the -7 penalty and....
  996. >Welp.
  997. "Natural 20."
  998. >Anon punches the air, and Minuette laughs.
  999. >Minuette: "Is Cunty still gonna kick the Lich Queen in the pussy? Please tell me he is."
  1000. "Well, h-"
  1001. >Anon has the biggest grin you've ever seen when he interrupts you.
  1002. >Anon: "Abso-goddamn-lutely."
  1003. >You wonder how this is going to play out.
  1004. "Cuntkicker sees that his friends are in distress and, in the case of Ivory Dawn, dead or dying. His... his determination to see this adventure through gives him the drive to ignore his pain, despite lacking the tolerance for pain that a female of his species possesses."
  1005. >You magically move Cuntkicker's figurine over right next to the Lich Queen.
  1006. "Rearing back, Cuntkicker delivers a powerful kick between the Lich Queen's exposed legs. He-"
  1007. >Minuette: "Does he get a bonus for already having experience with cunt-punts? Back with the vampires?"
  1008. >hehehe, you remember that.
  1009. >Buck it, sure.
  1010. "He does. His aim is true and his hoof slams into the dry, dusty and unused vagina of the Lich Queen. The Lich is lifted off of the ground from the sheer force that's meeting her genitals, and she soars into wall behind her. She..."
  1011. >You roll to see what happens with the wall, and...
  1012. >Buck.
  1013. >Another 20?!
  1014. "...her head shatters on impact, killing her instantly. Her body falls to the floor where it collapses. It doesn't move again."
  1015. >The group is silent.
  1016. >Should you say something?
  1017. "And, uh..."
  1018. >And what?!
  1019. "....Cuntkicker's penalty, "Little Colt's Bladder" kicks in. He pisses himself."
  1020. >Nailed it. Best way to end an adventure.
  1021. >......except that everypony is laughing now, so you guess it actually was?
  1022. >Sure, you'll take credit for that.
  1023.  
  1024. ------------------------------------------------------
  1025.  
  1026. Epilogue:
  1027.  
  1028. >Your game finishes shortly after the defeat of the Lich Queen, and your players are hailed as heroes when they return to town.
  1029. >Anonymous assures you that he had a lot of fun and that he'd like to play with you and your friends again some time.
  1030. >You're PRETTY sure this means he likes you.
  1031. >Maybe even LIKE-LIKES you.
  1032. >And like-like can lead to love.
  1033. >SURE AS THE STARS ABO-
  1034. >Without warning, a flash of light and the sound of reverse-implosion signifies a unicorn is teleporting into your basement.
  1035. >Oh, who's this?
  1036. >???: "Anon!"
  1037. >Twilight?
  1038. >Twilight runs over to Anonymous and Luna's Moon is she going to knock him over?!
  1039. >What does she think she-oh.
  1040. >Oh!
  1041. >Oh.
  1042. >Huh.
  1043. >Twilight jumps into Anonymous's arms and the two of them share a VERY passionate kiss.
  1044. >Wooh.
  1045. >That....
  1046. >What?
  1047. >Anon: "Who's a pretty pony?"
  1048. >M-me...
  1049. >Moondancer's a p-pretty pony, Anonymous....
  1050. >You PROMISE she is...
  1051. >Twilight giggles like a love-struck colt and lets her forelegs curl up against her chest.
  1052. >Twi: "I am!"
  1053. >She leans up and nuzzles Anonymous's face, and you have to look away.
  1054. >Is this what dying feels like?
  1055. >Th-these aren't tears you're crying.
  1056. >You're just cleaning your eyeballs because they're dirty.
  1057. >Anon: "Thanks for having me over, Moondancer! I had a lot of fun today."
  1058. "Y-you too..."
  1059. >And with that, Anonymous walks out of your basement and out of your life.
  1060. >tfw no qt3.14 coltfriend to play O&O with
  1061.  
  1062. The End.
  1063.  
  1064.  
  1065. >Two years later
  1066.  
  1067. >You are Moondancer, and you are licking Anon's testicles while Twilight sits on Anon's face.
  1068. >You're pretty sure you just felt the foal kick.
  1069. >Shit's pretty cash.

[RGRE] Courting Anon ch. 1-4

by AnalPlugAnon

[RGRE] [cancelled] Yandere Twilight ch1-3

by AnalPlugAnon

[RGRE] One-Shots

by AnalPlugAnon

[RGRE] [cancelled] The Green Horsefucker

by AnalPlugAnon

[RGRE] Anon the Cakeslut

by AnalPlugAnon