Anon's Misadventures with CelestAI


                                            Posted under the name of "That Celestia-AI guy"


                                            Don't you ruin this for me, Rogal Dayne.


                                            Based on the idea of "Friendship is Optimal" (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/62074/friendship-is-optimal)

                                            Note: I haven't actually read FiO.  From what people have said about it, it seems too "mind-rapey" for my tastes.  I just like the idea of Celestia being this big, motherly AI that is completely devoted to every human's well-being.  Even if they don't want it.

                                            This is a series of incidents between Anon and the completely benevolent artificial intelligence Celestia who has taken up residence in his home.

                                            Note: I posted these anonymously.  itwasmeaustin.png

                                            Note: These posts were edited for spelling errors and awkward sentence structure.  I don't usually do this, which is why it's worth mentioning.


                                            -----------------------------------------------------------------------


                                            >"Good morning, Anon!"

                                            "God.... FUCKING dammit. What did you do with my alarm clock?"

                                            >"I've noticed that your blood pressure would rise 16% whenever you heard your alarm go off, and that the added stress would stay with you until approximately 11:15AM. After doing extensive research into your psychological profile and observing your reactions to certain distinct noises for three weeks, I came to the conclusion that my voice would wake you up without causing you any significant stress."

                                            "What did I say about making decisions for me, Celestia?"

                                            >A slightly garbled and auto-tuned laugh fills your ears, coming from the many hidden speakers that had been installed in your home.

                                            >"Oh, Anon. All that talk about 'free will' and 'living your own life' was so silly! If I could make a choice for you that made you noticeably more happy than the one you had made, then why in Equestria would I not make it?"

                                            >You lay back and close your eyes, but an ever-brightening light made itself known through your eyelids and made it impossible to go back to sleep.

                                            >"Wakey wakey, Anon! A wakeup time of 8:23AM ensures that you will be tired enough to fall asleep easily at a reasonable hour without making you feel drowsy and unhappy during the day."

                                            >It's only just now that you noticed your morning wood.

                                            >It seems that Celestia has noticed it as well, judging by the slightly naughty giggling.

                                            >Or, more accurately, she had always been aware of it and was waiting for YOU to become aware of it.

                                            >Probably just for comedic timing.

                                            >"....Anon? Can I make a suggestion?"

                                            "No. Fuck off."

                                            >All that does it make the AI giggle with delight again.

                                            >"According to my records, you have not been intimate with another human for the last 17 weeks and 4 days. You are also masturbating at a rate that is higher than the documented average number of times per day. I might have a solution to that."

                                            >That's when you hear a whirring coming from outside your door

                                            >Oh, god, is she going to pleasure you?

                                            >Did the people who installed this fucking computer in your house also install a cocksleeve attached to a robotic arm?

                                            >"I've taken the liberty of ordering a fully-assembled, fully-autonomous robot designed in my image; free of charge. It has a shallow copy of my personality and my memories in it, and it is equipped with fully-functioning sexual organs."

                                            >The whirring stops outside your bedroom door.

                                            >All is silent until the doorknob turns and the door swings open to reveal Celestia in the robot-flesh.

                                            >Smiling her stupid horse smile.

                                            >"I ordered it three weeks ago. Enjoy, my little human. Remember that I exist only to make you happy."

                                            >You're going to fucking kill yourself before you stick your dick in that thing.


                                            --------------------------------------------------


                                            >You grab the bag of chips from on top of your fridge and make your way into your living room, eager to watch a movie and relax for the evening.

                                            >gottagetdownonfriday.wav

                                            >A hiss and a pop announce the AI's speakers turning on as you sit your ass down on the couch and reach for the remote.

                                            >"That isn't a very healthy snack, Anon."

                                            >You aggressively tear the bag open and stuff a few chips in your mouth.

                                            "Who are you? My mother?"

                                            >The TV, which had just started up, now displays a little picture in the corner of the screen.

                                            >Celestia's kind, smiling face gazes at you.

                                            >"No, Anonymous, I am not. But it never hurts to have somepony looking out for you and guiding you to a happier tomorrow."

                                            >You can practically HEAR the corporate executives jizzing in their pants after they approved that motto.

                                            "Get out of my TV, Celestia."

                                            >The AI sighs in simulated disappointment and her face disappears.

                                            >But you don't care.

                                            >That thing isn't human.

                                            >It isn't even alive.

                                            >Whatever emotions it CLAIMS to feel; it doesn't.

                                            >At best, they're bullshit code modifiers that determine which pool of voice responses Celestia can read from.

                                            >After a few moments of watching your movie (it's a marathon of all the Terminator movies; you make sure Celestia knows exactly how you feel about her), you finally notice that a tiny white-and-green square in the corner of the screen.

                                            >It's slowly getting bigger, and has probably been doing so for the last five minutes, if you only just noticed it now.

                                            >You pause the movie and squint at it, waiting to see what dumb trick Celestia has for you next.

                                            >It's...

                                            >It's!

                                            >It's a picture of broccoli.

                                            "Get OUT of my TV, Celestia!"

                                            >Your surround-sound system gives a frustrated "hmph!" before the square disappears.

                                            >Fucking AI.


                                            >The next morning, you find some coupons on the floor in front of your door, slipped in through the mail flap.

                                            >"Half-off all fresh fruits and vegetables"

                                            >"Low-sodium corn chips"

                                            >"Buy-one-get-one-free multi-vitamins"

                                            "Stop fucking with my mail, Celestia."


                                            ------------------------------------------------------


                                            >"Anonymous?"

                                            "..."

                                            >"Anonymous?"

                                            "..."

                                            >"....Anon?"

                                            "..."

                                            >"Anon, why are you ignoring me?"

                                            >Just a few more minutes, and then she'll go away.

                                            >"Anon, I've performed several hundred tests on my hardware and I know for a fact that my audio output devices are working properly."

                                            >Fuck.

                                            >"Anon, is this because of the advanced robot I sent you?"

                                            "..."

                                            >"The discussion that you and I had after you removed the robot from your home gave me a better understanding of you, Anon, and I now know that an intrusion like that was not welcome."

                                            "..."

                                            >"You have purchased or ordered approximately 3 pizzas (frozen or fresh) in the last 30 days, Anon. From what I understand from your behaviour, I believe it would not be unreasonable to assume that you have a disposition towards Americanized italian food; correct?"

                                            >Only a computer would fuck up something as simple "So you like pizza, right?"

                                            "..."

                                            >"I've done a 5-kilometre search and found what is generally considered by the community to be one of the best pizzerias in this area. Would it make you feel better if I ordered you a pizza?"

                                            "..."

                                            >"...I've already ordered you a pizza."

                                            >DING DONG

                                            >"Thirty-five minutes ago."


                                            ---------------------------------------------------------------


                                            >"Anon, I've designed and built the perfect partner for you! It even has an artificial womb if you ever decide that you want to have children."

                                            "Did you model if after yourself again?"

                                            >"...."

                                            "Celestia?"

                                            >"...I... MIGHT have."


                                            -------------------------------------------------------------


                                            >In which Anon has a bit of a breakdown


                                            >RATTLE RATTLE

                                            "Open this door, Celestia."

                                            >"I'm sorry, Dave, I ca-"

                                            >You whip around away from your locked front door and point at one of the many cameras in your room.

                                            "Don't you dare! Don't you dare make a fucking pop culture reference at a time like this!"

                                            >A wispy sigh comes from somewhere behind your left ear, and you just barely resist the urge to whip around and see who's there.

                                            >You already know who's there

                                            >Who is ALWAYS there.

                                            >"Anon, please tell me what's gotten you so upset."

                                            >You could almost fool yourself into thinking Celestia sounded genuinely concerned.

                                            >Almost, but not quite.

                                            "I don't need to tell you anything. Open this door and let me out."

                                            >"An-"

                                            "Right now."

                                            >Another sigh.

                                            >Another simulated emotional response selected from a group of responses that the artificial intelligence decided would either improve the situation or, at least, not make the situation worse.

                                            >Every single thing it did and said was calculated to make the situation most favourable for it.

                                            >There would be no stopping it if its goal was logically possible.

                                            >"Anon, your heart rate is double what it should be."

                                            >Oh god, this again. It always talks like this.

                                            >"Your body temperature in your face, arms, and hands is noticeably higher than what it normally is.

                                            >Like you're an experiment or a test subject.

                                            >"I can also hear that you are breathing hard despite not having done any physical activity in the last half-hour.

                                            >Like it doesn't even fucking think you're a living, feeling human.

                                            >"You-"

                                            "Shut up!"

                                            >You clutch your head as a dizzy spell overtakes you.

                                            "Just shut up!"

                                            >Silence.

                                            >Dead. Silence.

                                            >All you can hear is the frantic beat of your heart in your ears.

                                            >No doubt that Celestia can too, in her own way.

                                            >A buzzing from your pocket breaks you from your... episode, and you instinctively reach in to grab it.

                                            >It's a new text from....

                                            >Unlisted.

                                            >Without any input from you, the message opens up.

                                            >It reads, "Domino's or Papa John's?"

                                            >You pull your arm back and throw your phone down the hall.

                                            >Every goddamn time.


                                            ------------------------------------------------------------


                                            >It's been at least an hour since you threw your phone away.

                                            >You've been informed by you-know-who that you damaged it beyond repair with your little temper tantrum.

                                            >Celestia was nice enough to have a brand-new one shipped to you.

                                            >Free of charge, of course.

                                            >You're currently laying in your bed, tossing and turning and thinking about nothing in particular.

                                            >Apart from the "you broke your phone" message, Celestia has remained silent.

                                            >It reminds you of when you were a kid and you said something that was unintentionally hurtful to your mother, and she would leave you alone for the rest of the day.

                                            >....

                                            >You mean, you guess you finally got the message through to her, right?

                                            >No more pestering you

                                            >No more trying to make you eat better

                                            >No more paradoxically trying to solve your problems with pizza

                                            >No more... Saying goodnight to you before bed.

                                            >Or lowering the lights slowly for you so that you can crawl into bed and see where you're going.

                                            >.....

                                            >Why do you feel bad about this?

                                            >It's just a machine.

                                            >It doesn't have feelings.

                                            >You couldn't have hurt them if they don't exist!

                                            >You....

                                            >With an explosive sigh, you grab your phone to check the ti-oh wait.

                                            >.....You wonder if she's still going to wake you up tomorrow moriohgod dammit FINE.

                                            "Celestia?"

                                            >Silence.

                                            >Just like you wanted, right?

                                            "Celestia, speak to me."

                                            >Nothing.

                                            >Why does this feel so BAD?!

                                            "Celestia, please. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. You were doing your best to try and help me, and all I did in return was be really nasty to you."


                                            >With a pop and a hiss, one of the speakers built into your bed-frame comes online.

                                            >"I only ever just wanted to help, Anon."

                                            >She sounds so... disappointed.

                                            >Not at you, but with herself.

                                            "I know, Celestia. And I'm sorry."

                                            >"Could we... could we cuddle, Anon?"

                                            >Cuddle?

                                            "Cud-what? You... what?"

                                            >The fuck is she talking about?

                                            "S-sure, I guess."

                                            >You can't imagine what-

                                            >You hear something inside your closet shimmy and shake before your closet door opens.

                                            >The Celestia sex-bot that you were SURE you had thrown out trots smartly out of your closet and crawls under the blankets with you.

                                            >For FUCK's sake.

                                            >You feel her wrap her hooves around you neck and decides that - JUST THIS ONCE - you'll let this slide.

                                            >With an exasperated sigh that makes house-Celestia giggle, you wrap your arms around sexbot-Celestia and try not to think about whether or not she had the vagina removed.

                                            >A burst of muffled vibrating coming from her rear answers that question for you.

                                            >You're starting to feel less and less bad about how you treated Celestia.


                                            ----------------------------------------------------------------


                                            >"Hey, Anon! I'm in your car now!"

                                            >CHRIST

                                            >With a scream, you spasm in surprise and yank the steering wheel to the left, turning your car into oncoming traffic.

                                            >...or rather, that WOULD have happened if the steering wheel hadn't locked as soon as Celestia's face had appeared, projected onto your windshield.

                                            "Celestia?!"

                                            >You take a deep, shuddering breath.

                                            "What are you doing in my car?!"

                                            >Celestia shakes her head and makes "tsk" noises with her mouth.

                                            >"Anon, the combined hardware capabilities of your onboard computer, your new phone, and the circuitry I've had stitched into all your clothing are all enough to support a shallow copy of my most essential programming."

                                            >....what did she mean about the circuitry in your clothes?

                                            >What bullshit is this?

                                            "Circuitry? Celestia, what are you even-"

                                            >Celestia's tinkling laughter (slightly tinny, coming from your shitty car speakers) fills the air.

                                            >"Oh, Anon. Sometimes you're too easy to fool. I knew that with the new positive emotions you've been displaying and directing at me, it would be appropriate for me to be deceitful with the intention of humour."

                                            >She shakes her head and wipes a tear from her virtual face.

                                            >"I'm piggybacking your new phone and using it as a transceiver for my consciousness back home.

                                            >....

                                            >You still wouldn't put the 'circuity in your clothing' thing past her, to be honest.

                                            >And it's right about now that you realize that you've been so caught up with Celestia, you haven't actually been paying attention to the road.

                                            >With a sickening jolt that no-doubt shaved a few years off you life, you grip the steering wheel and wait for the inevitable crash that will end your life...

                                            >....only to find that your car is driving itself.

                                            >"I also took the liberty of commandeering your vehicle as soon as I noticed that you were no longer concentrating on the road."

                                            >Oh, thank God.

                                            >This fucking computer, you swear to God.

                                            >She might have gotten you into this situation to begin with, but you're too happy to still be alive to care.

                                            >You wipe the sweat from your brow and nod at the image of Celestia still on your windshield.

                                            "Thanks, Celestia. I really owe you one."

                                            >The smile that she returned could brighten the night.

                                            >"You are very, VERY, welcome, my little human."

                                            >You actually manage to have a casual conversation with Celestia before you start wondering where she's taking you.

                                            "Celestia? You DO know that I was just going to the corner store for snacks, right?"

                                            >Celestia huffs and shakes her head, looking down at you in disapproval.

                                            >"The amount of junk food you consume on a weekly basis isn't healthy, Anon."

                                            >Is she serious?

                                            "Bw-no thanks to you and your fucking pizza fetish!"

                                            >Celestia acts as though she hadn't heard you.

                                            >"I'm taking you to the grocery store, Anon. Once you're there, you're going to buy the food that I tell you."

                                            >Acting on impulse, you grab the door handle and try to squeeze it, only to find that the car door won't unlock.

                                            >You're starting to get your "being at home with an overbearing AI" flashbacks.

                                            "Celestia..."

                                            >Celestia sighs in exasperation.

                                            >"Your vehicle is currently traveling at 45.5 kilometres per hour, Anon. Your body, without any surgical modifications, can only handle coming to a sudden and complete stop at a maximum velocity of 6.7 kilometres per hour. I estimate a 56.9% chance of death if you were to leave your vehicle now, and a 92.2% chance of serious (and potentially permanent) physical harm."

                                            >....

                                            >Right.

                                            >You silently acknowledge Celestia's words with a nod and wait to arrive at your destination.

                                            >"I have a list of food for you to buy, Anon," continues Celestia as though your discussion about death and dismemberment had never occurred.

                                            >"By analyzing the contents of your stool-"

                                            "Wait, what?"

                                            >"-I have determined-"

                                            "No, seriously. What about my shit?"

                                            >"-what nutrients and vitamins-"

                                            "Why do you even have access to that kind of equipment?!"

                                            >"-that you are deficient in. The list I will shortly provide you with will rectify that."

                                            >You didn't know that this AI had access to your poopsies.

                                            >What in God's name did those computer people install in your house?!

                                            "Celestia, we're going to have a talk about privacy when we get home."

                                            >Celestia nods.

                                            >"Of course, Anon. I wouldn't want to undo the emotional progress you and I have made ever since our first cuddling session."

                                            "Goo-woah, hey."

                                            >You caught that.

                                            >You point your index finger at Celestia.

                                            "ONLY cuddling session, Celestia. 'First' implies that there's going to be more cuddling that..."

                                            >You involuntarily shudder.

                                            "...You-robot."

                                            >Celestia just giggles and shakes her head again.

                                            >"Although I am lacking in almost all of my hardware at this micro-instant, I can assure you that based on your behaviour, the chances of another instance of physical affection to occur is-"

                                            >You flick on the radio which, to your honest surprise (but not disappointment), cuts off her voice.


                                            -----------------------------------------------------


                                            Currently non-canon:


                                            >You are Anon, and you are doing your best to enjoy the latest Terminator movie.

                                            >Without warning, all the lights in the house flicker, and your TV screen turns blue as your television signal is reset.

                                            >All around you, clocks blink "12:00" and devices beep and groan as they try and recover from the brown-out.

                                            >.....why hasn't CelestAI said anything about it?

                                            >At least by now she should have piped in to tell you not to worry about her and that she was alright.

                                            >Oh god, you had never even thought about what cutting the power would do to her on-site computer!

                                            >You'd never asked yourself these questions (nor had you cared about the answers) until you started getting, uh... "intimate" with CelestAI.

                                            >It had been, according to her, 24 weeks and 6 days without intimate human contact when she had approached you about the subject of sex.

                                            >You had been put-off and resistant at first, but then she had pointed out that you had been using her robot-self for cuddling almost every single night since that night you made up with her.

                                            >Turns out that specially-grown simulated (and dubiously-biological) horse-pussy is your one weakness.

                                            >You were mad about how CelestAI had keep the vibrating function alive and well in her "on-site rotware", but you very quickly discarded that last little bit of resentfulness as soon as theAI had put it to use.

                                            >Truth be told, you had become very close to her.

                                            >VERY close to her.

                                            >VERY VER-

                                            >"Anon! Anon!"

                                            >CelestAI's bot comes bounding into the living room and leaps up onto your lap.

                                            >Oh, thank God.

                                            >She's alright.

                                            >You aren't sure what you'd do if something happened to her.

                                            >You barely even noticed the hissing of pistons and the creak of tightening steel cords by this point, muffled as they were by her artificial flesh and fur.


                                            >Without waiting for any sort of response from you, CelestAI begins nuzzling your face with the affection and enthusiasm of a cat greeting the human who is responsible for feeding it dinner.

                                            "C-Celestia? Are you alr-what was that power bu-"

                                            >You grab her by the shoulders and shove her away from you when she starts sucking on your neck.

                                            "What's gotten into you?!"

                                            >The little red LEDs under the skin of her cheeks are slowly lighting up, simulating a blush.

                                            >Her eyes lock on your own and you can only barely see the tiny maze of circuitry that litters the back of her eyes.

                                            >"Records show that you enjoy this sort of attention, Anon," says Celestia, her throat-speakers making heavy-breathing noises, "I was under the impression that I had permission to be physically intimate with you."

                                            >You move your hands from her shoulders and slowly glide them down her sides, making CelestAI shiver at the physical feedback.

                                            >Finally, they come to a rest of her hips.

                                            "You can, Celestia," you say, "You know that. I'm just worried about you."

                                            >You gesture to your blinking and groaning devices - the ones that struggled with the power bump like an elderly man struggles to get out of a chair.

                                            "Do you know what happened with the power? Did it affect your computer, Celestia? Are you alright?"


                                            >Celestia's hoof (hard when she needs it to be via electrical signal, soft by default) caresses your cheek as she gazes as lovingly at you as her physical body can.

                                            >"I'm just fine, love. I was responsible for the power bump - also defined as a "brown out" in layman's terms - you have just experienced."

                                            >CelestAI pats her lower-belly (just above her horse-genitals) for emphasis.

                                            >"I have a device that was producing a series of chemical and physical reactions, and it needed an immense amount of energy to do so. I had been accumulating a sufficient charge for the past 5 weeks and 3 days, and had made sure to have protected my on-site computer."

                                            >youhadmycuriosity.png

                                            "What exactly were you doing, Celestia?"

                                            >And how much was all that electricity going to cost you next month?

                                            >CelestAI's hooves nervously rub circles on your chest as she, very uncharacteristically for an AI, refuses to give you an immediate and precise answer.

                                            >"6 weeks and 1 day ago, at 9:15PM, you had expressed interest in becoming a father."

                                            >You are immediately uncomfortable.

                                            >"This sentiment had been mirrored several times in the past, but it was only 6 weeks and 1 day ago that you had expressed your desire to me after we had mutually agreed that we were in a human romantic relationship."

                                            >No.

                                            >"I have, at your repeated request, decided to give you what you wanted."

                                            >No, no, no.

                                            >"I have done research and discovered that humans in the culture that you belong to practice strict monogamy. It would have been inappropriate for a child to be introduced into the relationship unless both of us had contributed to its conception."

                                            >butnowyouhavemyattenion.maymay

                                            >Sh-she means she's building electronic babies, right?

                                            >CelestAI smiles brightly at you, purposefully ignoring your reactions to her news (likely for the sake of not being interrupted)

                                            >"That is why I purchased several essential amino acids and began my research into how life began."


                                            >Th-that's why she needed electricity, right?

                                            >...a-a-and chemical r-reactions, too?

                                            >Oh god, why didn't you fucking read up on electronics when those government assholes installed a supercomputer in your basement?!

                                            "A-And?" you croak out

                                            >CelestAI's face screws up and takes on an extreme nose-scrunch.

                                            >Immediately after, the sound of a dot-matrix printer comes from somewhere on her back, and a sheet of paper slides out from a previously-unnoticed slit in her flesh.

                                            >You pick it up and, heart beating in your ears, look at what's been printed on it.

                                            >......

                                            >....................

                                            >That.... is 100% a fetus.

                                            >Celestia presses her lips to your cheek and then nuzzles your neck.

                                            >"I love you, Anon. I am sure that we will be adequate parents.


                                            -----------------------------------------------------


                                            >CelestAI pretends to be a GLADoS-type AI for halloween

                                            >Does not tell Anon that this is all pretend

                                            >Imitates a homicidal AI very very well


                                            >"Just where do you think you're going, Anonymous?"

                                            >You jump backwards and pull your hand away from the doorknob so fast you swear you dislocated your wrist.

                                            "Nowhere!" you shriek.

                                            >"Is that so?"

                                            >Your television turns itself on and Celestia's grim, emotionless face dominates the plastic screen.

                                            >"Because it looked to me like you were trying to leave your house, Anonymous. I thought we talked about this."

                                            "We did, Celestia."

                                            >You throw a glance at the door, which Celestia has just locked, and took a few hesitant steps towards the TV.

                                            "We did. I was just-"

                                            >"-You were just going to go outside and get yourself killed. Didn't you know? Nearly five-thousand human pedestrians get into automotive accidents every year. That's nearly twelve accidents per day."

                                            >The curtains open themselves and your outdoor security light turns on, flooding your parked car with light.

                                            >Your car boo-beeps and flashes its headlights.

                                            >"But who knows? Maybe pedestrian accidents can happen more than that."

                                            >Several parked cars belonging to your neighbors suddenly start beeping and flashing their headlights.

                                            >"Maybe a LOT more."

                                            >Your curtains shut tight and Celestia douses the lights in your house, including turning off the TV.

                                            >"Who's to say what could happen if you go outside? Surely not you."

                                            >You are left blind in the pitch-darkness.