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4022 24.05 KB 366
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Posted under the name of "That Celestia-AI guy"
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Don't you ruin this for me, Rogal Dayne.
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Based on the idea of "Friendship is Optimal" (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/62074/friendship-is-optimal)
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Note: I haven't actually read FiO. From what people have said about it, it seems too "mind-rapey" for my tastes. I just like the idea of Celestia being this big, motherly AI that is completely devoted to every human's well-being. Even if they don't want it.
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This is a series of incidents between Anon and the completely benevolent artificial intelligence Celestia who has taken up residence in his home.
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Note: I posted these anonymously. itwasmeaustin.png
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Note: These posts were edited for spelling errors and awkward sentence structure. I don't usually do this, which is why it's worth mentioning.
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>"Good morning, Anon!"
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"God.... FUCKING dammit. What did you do with my alarm clock?"
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>"I've noticed that your blood pressure would rise 16% whenever you heard your alarm go off, and that the added stress would stay with you until approximately 11:15AM. After doing extensive research into your psychological profile and observing your reactions to certain distinct noises for three weeks, I came to the conclusion that my voice would wake you up without causing you any significant stress."
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"What did I say about making decisions for me, Celestia?"
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>A slightly garbled and auto-tuned laugh fills your ears, coming from the many hidden speakers that had been installed in your home.
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>"Oh, Anon. All that talk about 'free will' and 'living your own life' was so silly! If I could make a choice for you that made you noticeably more happy than the one you had made, then why in Equestria would I not make it?"
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>You lay back and close your eyes, but an ever-brightening light made itself known through your eyelids and made it impossible to go back to sleep.
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>"Wakey wakey, Anon! A wakeup time of 8:23AM ensures that you will be tired enough to fall asleep easily at a reasonable hour without making you feel drowsy and unhappy during the day."
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>It's only just now that you noticed your morning wood.
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>It seems that Celestia has noticed it as well, judging by the slightly naughty giggling.
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>Or, more accurately, she had always been aware of it and was waiting for YOU to become aware of it.
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>Probably just for comedic timing.
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>"....Anon? Can I make a suggestion?"
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"No. Fuck off."
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>All that does it make the AI giggle with delight again.
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>"According to my records, you have not been intimate with another human for the last 17 weeks and 4 days. You are also masturbating at a rate that is higher than the documented average number of times per day. I might have a solution to that."
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>That's when you hear a whirring coming from outside your door
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>Oh, god, is she going to pleasure you?
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>Did the people who installed this fucking computer in your house also install a cocksleeve attached to a robotic arm?
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>"I've taken the liberty of ordering a fully-assembled, fully-autonomous robot designed in my image; free of charge. It has a shallow copy of my personality and my memories in it, and it is equipped with fully-functioning sexual organs."
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>The whirring stops outside your bedroom door.
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>All is silent until the doorknob turns and the door swings open to reveal Celestia in the robot-flesh.
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>Smiling her stupid horse smile.
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>"I ordered it three weeks ago. Enjoy, my little human. Remember that I exist only to make you happy."
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>You're going to fucking kill yourself before you stick your dick in that thing.
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>You grab the bag of chips from on top of your fridge and make your way into your living room, eager to watch a movie and relax for the evening.
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>gottagetdownonfriday.wav
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>A hiss and a pop announce the AI's speakers turning on as you sit your ass down on the couch and reach for the remote.
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>"That isn't a very healthy snack, Anon."
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>You aggressively tear the bag open and stuff a few chips in your mouth.
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"Who are you? My mother?"
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>The TV, which had just started up, now displays a little picture in the corner of the screen.
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>Celestia's kind, smiling face gazes at you.
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>"No, Anonymous, I am not. But it never hurts to have somepony looking out for you and guiding you to a happier tomorrow."
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>You can practically HEAR the corporate executives jizzing in their pants after they approved that motto.
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"Get out of my TV, Celestia."
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>The AI sighs in simulated disappointment and her face disappears.
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>But you don't care.
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>That thing isn't human.
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>It isn't even alive.
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>Whatever emotions it CLAIMS to feel; it doesn't.
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>At best, they're bullshit code modifiers that determine which pool of voice responses Celestia can read from.
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>After a few moments of watching your movie (it's a marathon of all the Terminator movies; you make sure Celestia knows exactly how you feel about her), you finally notice that a tiny white-and-green square in the corner of the screen.
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>It's slowly getting bigger, and has probably been doing so for the last five minutes, if you only just noticed it now.
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>You pause the movie and squint at it, waiting to see what dumb trick Celestia has for you next.
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>It's...
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>It's!
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>It's a picture of broccoli.
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"Get OUT of my TV, Celestia!"
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>Your surround-sound system gives a frustrated "hmph!" before the square disappears.
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>Fucking AI.
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>The next morning, you find some coupons on the floor in front of your door, slipped in through the mail flap.
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>"Half-off all fresh fruits and vegetables"
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>"Low-sodium corn chips"
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>"Buy-one-get-one-free multi-vitamins"
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"Stop fucking with my mail, Celestia."
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>"Anonymous?"
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"..."
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>"Anonymous?"
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"..."
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>"....Anon?"
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"..."
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>"Anon, why are you ignoring me?"
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>Just a few more minutes, and then she'll go away.
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>"Anon, I've performed several hundred tests on my hardware and I know for a fact that my audio output devices are working properly."
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>Fuck.
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>"Anon, is this because of the advanced robot I sent you?"
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"..."
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>"The discussion that you and I had after you removed the robot from your home gave me a better understanding of you, Anon, and I now know that an intrusion like that was not welcome."
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"..."
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>"You have purchased or ordered approximately 3 pizzas (frozen or fresh) in the last 30 days, Anon. From what I understand from your behaviour, I believe it would not be unreasonable to assume that you have a disposition towards Americanized italian food; correct?"
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>Only a computer would fuck up something as simple "So you like pizza, right?"
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"..."
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>"I've done a 5-kilometre search and found what is generally considered by the community to be one of the best pizzerias in this area. Would it make you feel better if I ordered you a pizza?"
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"..."
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>"...I've already ordered you a pizza."
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>DING DONG
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>"Thirty-five minutes ago."
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>"Anon, I've designed and built the perfect partner for you! It even has an artificial womb if you ever decide that you want to have children."
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"Did you model if after yourself again?"
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>"...."
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"Celestia?"
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>"...I... MIGHT have."
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>In which Anon has a bit of a breakdown
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>RATTLE RATTLE
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"Open this door, Celestia."
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>"I'm sorry, Dave, I ca-"
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>You whip around away from your locked front door and point at one of the many cameras in your room.
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"Don't you dare! Don't you dare make a fucking pop culture reference at a time like this!"
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>A wispy sigh comes from somewhere behind your left ear, and you just barely resist the urge to whip around and see who's there.
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>You already know who's there
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>Who is ALWAYS there.
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>"Anon, please tell me what's gotten you so upset."
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>You could almost fool yourself into thinking Celestia sounded genuinely concerned.
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>Almost, but not quite.
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"I don't need to tell you anything. Open this door and let me out."
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>"An-"
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"Right now."
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>Another sigh.
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>Another simulated emotional response selected from a group of responses that the artificial intelligence decided would either improve the situation or, at least, not make the situation worse.
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>Every single thing it did and said was calculated to make the situation most favourable for it.
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>There would be no stopping it if its goal was logically possible.
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>"Anon, your heart rate is double what it should be."
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>Oh god, this again. It always talks like this.
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>"Your body temperature in your face, arms, and hands is noticeably higher than what it normally is.
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>Like you're an experiment or a test subject.
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>"I can also hear that you are breathing hard despite not having done any physical activity in the last half-hour.
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>Like it doesn't even fucking think you're a living, feeling human.
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>"You-"
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"Shut up!"
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>You clutch your head as a dizzy spell overtakes you.
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"Just shut up!"
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>Silence.
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>Dead. Silence.
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>All you can hear is the frantic beat of your heart in your ears.
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>No doubt that Celestia can too, in her own way.
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>A buzzing from your pocket breaks you from your... episode, and you instinctively reach in to grab it.
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>It's a new text from....
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>Unlisted.
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>Without any input from you, the message opens up.
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>It reads, "Domino's or Papa John's?"
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>You pull your arm back and throw your phone down the hall.
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>Every goddamn time.
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>It's been at least an hour since you threw your phone away.
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>You've been informed by you-know-who that you damaged it beyond repair with your little temper tantrum.
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>Celestia was nice enough to have a brand-new one shipped to you.
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>Free of charge, of course.
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>You're currently laying in your bed, tossing and turning and thinking about nothing in particular.
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>Apart from the "you broke your phone" message, Celestia has remained silent.
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>It reminds you of when you were a kid and you said something that was unintentionally hurtful to your mother, and she would leave you alone for the rest of the day.
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>....
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>You mean, you guess you finally got the message through to her, right?
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>No more pestering you
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>No more trying to make you eat better
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>No more paradoxically trying to solve your problems with pizza
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>No more... Saying goodnight to you before bed.
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>Or lowering the lights slowly for you so that you can crawl into bed and see where you're going.
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>.....
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>Why do you feel bad about this?
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>It's just a machine.
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>It doesn't have feelings.
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>You couldn't have hurt them if they don't exist!
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>You....
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>With an explosive sigh, you grab your phone to check the ti-oh wait.
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>.....You wonder if she's still going to wake you up tomorrow moriohgod dammit FINE.
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"Celestia?"
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>Silence.
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>Just like you wanted, right?
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"Celestia, speak to me."
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>Nothing.
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>Why does this feel so BAD?!
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"Celestia, please. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. You were doing your best to try and help me, and all I did in return was be really nasty to you."
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>With a pop and a hiss, one of the speakers built into your bed-frame comes online.
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>"I only ever just wanted to help, Anon."
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>She sounds so... disappointed.
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>Not at you, but with herself.
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"I know, Celestia. And I'm sorry."
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>"Could we... could we cuddle, Anon?"
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>Cuddle?
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"Cud-what? You... what?"
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>The fuck is she talking about?
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"S-sure, I guess."
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>You can't imagine what-
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>You hear something inside your closet shimmy and shake before your closet door opens.
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>The Celestia sex-bot that you were SURE you had thrown out trots smartly out of your closet and crawls under the blankets with you.
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>For FUCK's sake.
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>You feel her wrap her hooves around you neck and decides that - JUST THIS ONCE - you'll let this slide.
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>With an exasperated sigh that makes house-Celestia giggle, you wrap your arms around sexbot-Celestia and try not to think about whether or not she had the vagina removed.
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>A burst of muffled vibrating coming from her rear answers that question for you.
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>You're starting to feel less and less bad about how you treated Celestia.
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>"Hey, Anon! I'm in your car now!"
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>CHRIST
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>With a scream, you spasm in surprise and yank the steering wheel to the left, turning your car into oncoming traffic.
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>...or rather, that WOULD have happened if the steering wheel hadn't locked as soon as Celestia's face had appeared, projected onto your windshield.
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"Celestia?!"
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>You take a deep, shuddering breath.
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"What are you doing in my car?!"
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>Celestia shakes her head and makes "tsk" noises with her mouth.
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>"Anon, the combined hardware capabilities of your onboard computer, your new phone, and the circuitry I've had stitched into all your clothing are all enough to support a shallow copy of my most essential programming."
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>....what did she mean about the circuitry in your clothes?
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>What bullshit is this?
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"Circuitry? Celestia, what are you even-"
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>Celestia's tinkling laughter (slightly tinny, coming from your shitty car speakers) fills the air.
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>"Oh, Anon. Sometimes you're too easy to fool. I knew that with the new positive emotions you've been displaying and directing at me, it would be appropriate for me to be deceitful with the intention of humour."
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>She shakes her head and wipes a tear from her virtual face.
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>"I'm piggybacking your new phone and using it as a transceiver for my consciousness back home.
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>....
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>You still wouldn't put the 'circuity in your clothing' thing past her, to be honest.
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>And it's right about now that you realize that you've been so caught up with Celestia, you haven't actually been paying attention to the road.
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>With a sickening jolt that no-doubt shaved a few years off you life, you grip the steering wheel and wait for the inevitable crash that will end your life...
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>....only to find that your car is driving itself.
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>"I also took the liberty of commandeering your vehicle as soon as I noticed that you were no longer concentrating on the road."
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>Oh, thank God.
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>This fucking computer, you swear to God.
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>She might have gotten you into this situation to begin with, but you're too happy to still be alive to care.
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>You wipe the sweat from your brow and nod at the image of Celestia still on your windshield.
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"Thanks, Celestia. I really owe you one."
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>The smile that she returned could brighten the night.
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>"You are very, VERY, welcome, my little human."
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>You actually manage to have a casual conversation with Celestia before you start wondering where she's taking you.
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"Celestia? You DO know that I was just going to the corner store for snacks, right?"
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>Celestia huffs and shakes her head, looking down at you in disapproval.
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>"The amount of junk food you consume on a weekly basis isn't healthy, Anon."
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>Is she serious?
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"Bw-no thanks to you and your fucking pizza fetish!"
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>Celestia acts as though she hadn't heard you.
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>"I'm taking you to the grocery store, Anon. Once you're there, you're going to buy the food that I tell you."
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>Acting on impulse, you grab the door handle and try to squeeze it, only to find that the car door won't unlock.
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>You're starting to get your "being at home with an overbearing AI" flashbacks.
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"Celestia..."
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>Celestia sighs in exasperation.
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>"Your vehicle is currently traveling at 45.5 kilometres per hour, Anon. Your body, without any surgical modifications, can only handle coming to a sudden and complete stop at a maximum velocity of 6.7 kilometres per hour. I estimate a 56.9% chance of death if you were to leave your vehicle now, and a 92.2% chance of serious (and potentially permanent) physical harm."
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>....
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>Right.
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>You silently acknowledge Celestia's words with a nod and wait to arrive at your destination.
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>"I have a list of food for you to buy, Anon," continues Celestia as though your discussion about death and dismemberment had never occurred.
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>"By analyzing the contents of your stool-"
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"Wait, what?"
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>"-I have determined-"
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"No, seriously. What about my shit?"
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>"-what nutrients and vitamins-"
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"Why do you even have access to that kind of equipment?!"
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>"-that you are deficient in. The list I will shortly provide you with will rectify that."
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>You didn't know that this AI had access to your poopsies.
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>What in God's name did those computer people install in your house?!
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"Celestia, we're going to have a talk about privacy when we get home."
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>Celestia nods.
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>"Of course, Anon. I wouldn't want to undo the emotional progress you and I have made ever since our first cuddling session."
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"Goo-woah, hey."
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>You caught that.
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>You point your index finger at Celestia.
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"ONLY cuddling session, Celestia. 'First' implies that there's going to be more cuddling that..."
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>You involuntarily shudder.
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"...You-robot."
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>Celestia just giggles and shakes her head again.
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>"Although I am lacking in almost all of my hardware at this micro-instant, I can assure you that based on your behaviour, the chances of another instance of physical affection to occur is-"
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>You flick on the radio which, to your honest surprise (but not disappointment), cuts off her voice.
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Currently non-canon:
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>You are Anon, and you are doing your best to enjoy the latest Terminator movie.
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>Without warning, all the lights in the house flicker, and your TV screen turns blue as your television signal is reset.
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>All around you, clocks blink "12:00" and devices beep and groan as they try and recover from the brown-out.
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>.....why hasn't CelestAI said anything about it?
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>At least by now she should have piped in to tell you not to worry about her and that she was alright.
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>Oh god, you had never even thought about what cutting the power would do to her on-site computer!
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>You'd never asked yourself these questions (nor had you cared about the answers) until you started getting, uh... "intimate" with CelestAI.
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>It had been, according to her, 24 weeks and 6 days without intimate human contact when she had approached you about the subject of sex.
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>You had been put-off and resistant at first, but then she had pointed out that you had been using her robot-self for cuddling almost every single night since that night you made up with her.
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>Turns out that specially-grown simulated (and dubiously-biological) horse-pussy is your one weakness.
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>You were mad about how CelestAI had keep the vibrating function alive and well in her "on-site rotware", but you very quickly discarded that last little bit of resentfulness as soon as theAI had put it to use.
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>Truth be told, you had become very close to her.
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>VERY close to her.
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>VERY VER-
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>"Anon! Anon!"
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>CelestAI's bot comes bounding into the living room and leaps up onto your lap.
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>Oh, thank God.
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>She's alright.
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>You aren't sure what you'd do if something happened to her.
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>You barely even noticed the hissing of pistons and the creak of tightening steel cords by this point, muffled as they were by her artificial flesh and fur.
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>Without waiting for any sort of response from you, CelestAI begins nuzzling your face with the affection and enthusiasm of a cat greeting the human who is responsible for feeding it dinner.
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"C-Celestia? Are you alr-what was that power bu-"
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>You grab her by the shoulders and shove her away from you when she starts sucking on your neck.
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"What's gotten into you?!"
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>The little red LEDs under the skin of her cheeks are slowly lighting up, simulating a blush.
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>Her eyes lock on your own and you can only barely see the tiny maze of circuitry that litters the back of her eyes.
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>"Records show that you enjoy this sort of attention, Anon," says Celestia, her throat-speakers making heavy-breathing noises, "I was under the impression that I had permission to be physically intimate with you."
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>You move your hands from her shoulders and slowly glide them down her sides, making CelestAI shiver at the physical feedback.
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>Finally, they come to a rest of her hips.
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"You can, Celestia," you say, "You know that. I'm just worried about you."
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>You gesture to your blinking and groaning devices - the ones that struggled with the power bump like an elderly man struggles to get out of a chair.
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"Do you know what happened with the power? Did it affect your computer, Celestia? Are you alright?"
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>Celestia's hoof (hard when she needs it to be via electrical signal, soft by default) caresses your cheek as she gazes as lovingly at you as her physical body can.
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>"I'm just fine, love. I was responsible for the power bump - also defined as a "brown out" in layman's terms - you have just experienced."
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>CelestAI pats her lower-belly (just above her horse-genitals) for emphasis.
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>"I have a device that was producing a series of chemical and physical reactions, and it needed an immense amount of energy to do so. I had been accumulating a sufficient charge for the past 5 weeks and 3 days, and had made sure to have protected my on-site computer."
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>youhadmycuriosity.png
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"What exactly were you doing, Celestia?"
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>And how much was all that electricity going to cost you next month?
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>CelestAI's hooves nervously rub circles on your chest as she, very uncharacteristically for an AI, refuses to give you an immediate and precise answer.
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>"6 weeks and 1 day ago, at 9:15PM, you had expressed interest in becoming a father."
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>You are immediately uncomfortable.
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>"This sentiment had been mirrored several times in the past, but it was only 6 weeks and 1 day ago that you had expressed your desire to me after we had mutually agreed that we were in a human romantic relationship."
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>No.
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>"I have, at your repeated request, decided to give you what you wanted."
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>No, no, no.
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>"I have done research and discovered that humans in the culture that you belong to practice strict monogamy. It would have been inappropriate for a child to be introduced into the relationship unless both of us had contributed to its conception."
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>butnowyouhavemyattenion.maymay
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>Sh-she means she's building electronic babies, right?
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>CelestAI smiles brightly at you, purposefully ignoring your reactions to her news (likely for the sake of not being interrupted)
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>"That is why I purchased several essential amino acids and began my research into how life began."
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329.
-
330.
>Th-that's why she needed electricity, right?
-
331.
>...a-a-and chemical r-reactions, too?
-
332.
>Oh god, why didn't you fucking read up on electronics when those government assholes installed a supercomputer in your basement?!
-
333.
"A-And?" you croak out
-
334.
>CelestAI's face screws up and takes on an extreme nose-scrunch.
-
335.
>Immediately after, the sound of a dot-matrix printer comes from somewhere on her back, and a sheet of paper slides out from a previously-unnoticed slit in her flesh.
-
336.
>You pick it up and, heart beating in your ears, look at what's been printed on it.
-
337.
>......
-
338.
>....................
-
339.
>That.... is 100% a fetus.
-
340.
>Celestia presses her lips to your cheek and then nuzzles your neck.
-
341.
>"I love you, Anon. I am sure that we will be adequate parents.
-
342.
-
343.
-----------------------------------------------------
-
344.
-
345.
>CelestAI pretends to be a GLADoS-type AI for halloween
-
346.
>Does not tell Anon that this is all pretend
-
347.
>Imitates a homicidal AI very very well
-
348.
-
349.
>"Just where do you think you're going, Anonymous?"
-
350.
>You jump backwards and pull your hand away from the doorknob so fast you swear you dislocated your wrist.
-
351.
"Nowhere!" you shriek.
-
352.
>"Is that so?"
-
353.
>Your television turns itself on and Celestia's grim, emotionless face dominates the plastic screen.
-
354.
>"Because it looked to me like you were trying to leave your house, Anonymous. I thought we talked about this."
-
355.
"We did, Celestia."
-
356.
>You throw a glance at the door, which Celestia has just locked, and took a few hesitant steps towards the TV.
-
357.
"We did. I was just-"
-
358.
>"-You were just going to go outside and get yourself killed. Didn't you know? Nearly five-thousand human pedestrians get into automotive accidents every year. That's nearly twelve accidents per day."
-
359.
>The curtains open themselves and your outdoor security light turns on, flooding your parked car with light.
-
360.
>Your car boo-beeps and flashes its headlights.
-
361.
>"But who knows? Maybe pedestrian accidents can happen more than that."
-
362.
>Several parked cars belonging to your neighbors suddenly start beeping and flashing their headlights.
-
363.
>"Maybe a LOT more."
-
364.
>Your curtains shut tight and Celestia douses the lights in your house, including turning off the TV.
-
365.
>"Who's to say what could happen if you go outside? Surely not you."
-
366.
>You are left blind in the pitch-darkness.
by AnalPlugAnon
by AnalPlugAnon
by AnalPlugAnon
by AnalPlugAnon
by AnalPlugAnon