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(RGR) The Bon Suppremacy by Anonymous

By Codekek
Created: 2nd May 2021 03:21:36 AM
23rd May 2022 08:48:32 PM

  1. From threads No.27544684 and No.27570038
  2.  
  3. >Be Agent Sweetie Drops
  4. >You've been tasked with trailing the human to find out if he's a threat
  5. >You know better than to underestimate him just because he's male
  6. >After all, how many homme fatales have you faced off against?
  7. >14
  8. >14 homme fatales
  9. >You almost regret throwing the last one into a working printing press during your big fight-
  10. >You try not to think about it
  11. >You've got a job to do, no time wallowing in memory
  12.  
  13. >Be Anon
  14. >You've been hanging out with Lyra, the coolest lesbian in town
  15. >Apparently Bon Bon is doing something silly today
  16. >You'll have to invite them over for dinner sometime
  17. >You make a mean tomato sauce!
  18.  
  19.  
  20. >Be Anon
  21. >Well, this dinner party didn't go as planned
  22. >Bonbon accidentally poured the tomato sauce down the sink!
  23. >But it's okay, she offered to take you all to a restaurant instead
  24. >It's a nice enough place, although there are a lot of mares in fedoras and trenchcoats around
  25. >The food is pretty good too
  26. >This soup is nice and garlicky, just the way you like it
  27. >You'll have to come here more often
  28.  
  29. >Be Agent Sweetie Drops
  30. >Target has been neutralized
  31. >He won't know what's wrong until it's too late
  32. >You'd feel bad at killing such a handsome stallion
  33. >Especially one Lyra is getting on with so well
  34. >But you buried your emotions long ago
  35. >All that matters is that Equestria is safe
  36. >Even if your bed is big and empty at night
  37.  
  38.  
  39. >Be Agent Sweetie Drops
  40. >Target has not been neutralized
  41. >Anon excused himself and ran off to the colt's room, doubtless to purge his stomach of the poison
  42. >You'll have to figure out something else
  43. >Every moment he lives is another moment of danger for yourself and Equestria
  44.  
  45. >Be Anon
  46. >You REALLY need to pee
  47.  
  48.  
  49. >Be Agent Sweetie Drops
  50. >You fucked up
  51. >You knew, as a license apothecary, Anon could legally grow all sorts of dangerous plants
  52. >He obviously recognized the taste of garlic, and quickly administered the antidote
  53. >Damned sly colt
  54. >And now he knew that you knew about his activities
  55. >You have only one chance to survive, and more importantly, complete the assignment
  56. >While Lyra is asleep, you load up your gear and slip out the back door
  57. >You'll get Anon, or he'll get you
  58. >That's how it is in this business
  59.  
  60. >Be Anon
  61. >You were chopping onions for tomorrow's stew when you notice motion outside
  62. >Is that Bonbon creeping around your bushes?
  63. >Silly horse, does she want to apologize again even though you've forgiven her?
  64. >You flick on the porch light and go out to meet her, onion juice dripping from your knife
  65.  
  66.  
  67. >Be Agent Sweetie Drops
  68. >The next few seconds happen in a flash
  69. >Literally, as Anon turns on his porch light, blinding you in your nightvision goggles
  70. >You should've known he'd be watching, waiting for you
  71. >You catch a glimpse of a knife in his hand as you struggle to remove your goggles and defend yourself at the same time
  72. >His strong arms wrap around you and begin to squeeze, displaying the brutish strength of his primate race
  73. >Without thinking, you jam your hoof down on where you presume his crotch is
  74. >He yelps in pain, letting you fall out of his deadly embrace
  75. >A dirty move, but there are no rules in this game
  76. >While he sinks to his knees, you wrench the knife from his hand and throw it into the bushes
  77. >Sliding your crossbow from its holster, you notch a bolt, aim, and
  78.  
  79.  
  80. >Be Anon
  81. >Your family jewels may never be the same
  82. >Fucking strong horse hooves
  83. >You shouldn't have grabbed her like that, not when she was already freaked out
  84. >You think you're going to puke
  85. >Yep
  86.  
  87. >Just as you squeeze the trigger, Anon does... something
  88. >He opens his mouth and a disgusting-smelling liquid pours out, splashing the ground and your hooves
  89. >You fire wildly in shock, the bolt flying uselessly off into the distance
  90. >You take a step back, only to notice the thick material of your combat boots dissolving to reveal your tactical socks
  91. >Of course he can spit acid
  92. >Why not
  93. >You decide it's time to make a tactical retreat
  94.  
  95.  
  96. >Be Anon
  97. >You just puked on your little horse friend
  98. >She just wanted to apologize
  99. >Or steal your underwear, who knows
  100. >Either way, you'll have to apologize now
  101. >But she doesn't seem to be here
  102. >Probably ran off when you started barfing
  103.  
  104. >Be Agent Sweetie Drops
  105. >You've failed to neutralize the target
  106. >Now he's doubtless contacting his superiors in Humania for backup or extraction
  107. >And you'll have to face your own superiors for the same
  108. >And... You just realized you forgot your crossbow
  109.  
  110. >Be Anon
  111. >While cleaning up your little mess, you discovered a tiny horse-sized crossbow
  112. >Bonbon must've dropped it
  113. >Can't be too careful after dark
  114.  
  115.  
  116. >Thou art Princess Luna
  117. >Thou dost rarely speaketh this way, save for when thou art infuriated
  118. >Thou art most infuriated right now
  119. "Knave! Can'st thou not destroy a simple colt?! Now he has surely retreated, we shalt never catch him!"
  120.  
  121. >You are Agent Sweetie Drops
  122. >Your teats are in agony right now
  123. >You don't think they'll ever be un-twisted
  124. >But Princess Luna promised you reinforcement
  125. >And you've received it
  126.  
  127. >Be Fleur de Lis
  128. >Special Agent for the Princess
  129. >Apparently this rookie agent can't perform a simple liquidation
  130. >No matter, with your superior femininity, you shall prevail against this pathetic, masculine foe
  131. >And maybe get your clit sucked while you're at it
  132.  
  133.  
  134. >Be Anon
  135. >You stopped by Bonbon's house to apologize and return her crossbow, but no one was home
  136. >So you headed to the bar
  137. >Because fuck it, it's ten in the morning and you don't work today
  138. >Now, seated at your favorite stool, nursing a mug of hot cider, you start to wonder where Bonbon even got that crossbow
  139. >It sure didn't look like the ones in the local hunting store
  140. >It almost looked military, all black and-
  141. >"Hey there cutie, can I buy you a drink?"
  142.  
  143. >Be Fleur
  144. >Easy as apple pie
  145. >You acquired the target, bought him drink after drink, and have now brought him back to your hotel room
  146. >You'll have your way with him, and then you'll complete the mission
  147. >You see the little slut's tent in his pants
  148. >Oh, how you can't wait to take those off
  149.  
  150. >You are Fleur de Lis, the most glamorous assassin in Equestria
  151. >You can't feel your legs
  152. >Your ass hurts
  153. >As does your marehole
  154. >And your throat
  155. >Your mane, tail, and hooves are all sticky too
  156. >Perhaps you'll have to deal with this the old fashioned way
  157. >When you try and move, however, Anon's strong arms pull you back into his warm embrace
  158. >M-maybe you can deal with him tomorrow
  159.  
  160.  
  161. >Be Agent Sweetie Drops
  162. >You knew Agent Fleur couldn't handle this
  163. >She uses her own name as a codename, for Celestia's sake!
  164. >She's lucky to be alive, that he didn't find some way of killing her during that quite frankly amazing sex they have
  165. >You'll teach her a lesson
  166. >The salt packet you pour into Anon's mouth contains enough sodium to kill a manticore
  167. >His veins will collapse, and he'll die quietly in his sleep
  168. >Tomorrow morning will be a morning Fleur never forgets
  169. >You never quite forget the first time you wake up next to a corpse
  170.  
  171. >Your mouth tastes extremely dry and salty, so you must be Anon
  172. >Reluctantly abandoning your pony teddy, you head to the kitchenette and pour yourself a glass of water
  173. >Maybe you'll make breakfast too, you were never the 'gone by dawn' kind of guy
  174.  
  175.  
  176. >Be Agent Fleur, the sleepiest, sorest, happiest assassin in the world
  177. >You feel slightly colder, more exposed
  178. >Has Anon left already?
  179. >Wait
  180. >Anon!
  181. >As quickly as you can, you slide into a sitting position and get off the bed
  182. >Your fur feels extremely gross
  183. >You'll need a bath later
  184. >But first, there's a loose end to tie up
  185. >You creep through the suite as quietly as you can in your bloated and abused state
  186. >Aha!
  187. >You spot that fine piece of ass in the kitchen, working over a sizzling frying pan
  188. >He brings an egg out of the pan and slaps it on a piece of toast
  189. >Egg sandwiches, which you easily recognize as a staple of carnivore diets everywhere
  190. >And then he pulls out a tomato, slices it, and wraps it in lettuce
  191. >He places the packet between slices of toast, and places it on another plate
  192. >That's your breakfast, you realize
  193. >A breakfast of doom
  194.  
  195. >Be Anon
  196. >You had to buy eggs from a carnivore specialty store, so you doubt Fleur would like one
  197. >You popped down to your apothecary store and grabbed some fresh veggies for her
  198. >You're sure she'll appreciate this
  199.  
  200.  
  201. >You are Agent Sweetie Drops
  202. >And apparently Anon is immune to salt
  203. >Because why the fuck not
  204. >You watched him all goddamn night, waiting for the moment he'd slip away
  205. >You just had to see the look on Fleur's face when she realized he wasn't breathing
  206. >But of course he didn't die
  207. >Of course he's still alive
  208. >You watched him get up, shower, go down the street to his goddamn STORE, and-
  209. >The store! That's it!
  210. >Leaving 'Agent' Fleur to her fate, you rappel down the side of the building and start running down the street
  211. >You can salvage this mission yet!
  212.  
  213. >Be Agent Fleur, Equestria's most frightened assassin
  214. >This isn't how it was supposed to go at all!
  215. >After poisoning your sandwich, Anon looks down at the red fruit of death
  216. >He picks up a slice
  217. >And eats it
  218. >Dammit! He knows his cover is blown and would rather die than come quietly!
  219. >You coil back and leap on him like a mighty panther, knocking him flat on his perfect ass
  220. >Horselich maneuver! Go!
  221. >You reach around and give his stomach a hard jerk, causing him to gag
  222. >As a defensive mechanism, he spits a glob of stomach acid as he turns to face you
  223. >In that glob is the chewed remains of a tomato!
  224. >You place a hoof on his neck and shove him to the floor
  225. "Now, you and I are going to have a little talk."
  226.  
  227. >Be Anon
  228. >You're currently being pinned to the ground by a very skinny, but apparently very strong horse
  229. >You've heard mares have higher sex drives than stallions, but this is a bit much
  230.  
  231.  
  232. >You're beginning to have your doubt about this, so you must be Fleur
  233. >Anon has since removed himself from the floor and sat at the table
  234. >He just sits there, calmly his sandwich as you interrogate him
  235. >And it's not going well
  236. "If tomatoes aren't poisonous to your species... Is salt or garlic?"
  237. >"Nope."
  238. "So you weren't trying to poison me?"
  239. >"Nope."
  240. >He just keeps munching on that damn egg sandwich
  241. >You know, like all honeypot agents, like all stallions, he's been trained since birth into the perfect liar
  242. >But for some reason, you want to believe him
  243. >And that belief isn't as relieving as you'd hope
  244. >You haven't been harassing and attempting to kill an innocent stallion?
  245. >You're the good guys, right?
  246. >Right?
  247.  
  248. >Be Agent Sweetie Drops, clinging to the window with your little suction cup hooves
  249. >Agent Fleur is compromised
  250. >You'll have to report her betrayal posthumously
  251. >The scope on Anon's hunting crossbow is calibrated for long distance, but at this range, it gives you a perfect view of his eye
  252. >His handsome little grey eye
  253.  
  254.  
  255. >You have a tasty sandwich, so you must be Anon
  256. >Apparently your one night stand thought you were trying to kill her
  257. >You put on an indifferent mask, but secretly, you're freaking out
  258. >How many times have you sold poisonous ingredients assuming they were for cooking?!
  259. >A lot
  260. >That's how you pay your rent
  261. >Rather than worry about any murders you may be an accessory to, you focus on your delicious sandwich
  262. >You got Fleur's tomato slice since she can't eat it
  263. >It's no ketchup, but egg and tomato is just as nice
  264. >Aw shit
  265. >It just slid out onto the floor
  266. >You reach down and pick it up, feeling a breeze across your neck as you bend over
  267.  
  268. >You are Fleur, the most morally confused assassin in Equestria
  269. >If Anon is innocent, how many other such misunderstandings have taken place?
  270. >You long for the good old days when you didn't question anything
  271. >That's it, you're returning your license to kill and applying for a desk job
  272. >The glamour and excitement is not worth all this guilt
  273. >Anon ducks down for a moment, and something fast whizzes by, just missing his head
  274. >With a dull thud, it embeds itself in the loveseat just behind him
  275. >You whip your head around, getting a glimpse of a pink-and-blue mane as it disappears beneath the window sill
  276. >Buck...
  277.  
  278. >You are Agent Sweetie Drops
  279. >Targets still active
  280. >Fleur has been caught by his masculine wiles, as you knew she would
  281. >Damned schoolfilly
  282. >You'll send them both to tartarus
  283.  
  284.  
  285. >You are Fleur, the most terrified former assassin in Equestria
  286. >Who knows how long Sweetie Drops was watching?
  287. >You, Anon, sitting together, eating breakfast
  288. >It didn't paint a good picture
  289. >There's no way you'd ever convince her to back down, either
  290. >She'll only stop with a direct order from Princess Luna
  291. >Evading your fellow agent's assassination attempts will be the easy part
  292. >Luna hasn't trusted your word since the Stalliongrad incident
  293. >How were you supposed to know those colts were really Kirin agents?
  294.  
  295. >You are Anon
  296. >You wonder if you should start doing background checks on your customers
  297.  
  298. >You are Agent Sweetie Drops
  299. >And you know there's only one way to kill a pony
  300. >Or apelien, in this case
  301. >When he comes home, he's in for a big surprise
  302.  
  303.  
  304. >You're trying to make sense of this situation, so you must be Fleur
  305. >Okay, start from the beginning
  306. >Anon is almost certainly innocent, at least of intent
  307. >Agent Sweetie Drops, the hardest hardflank in the company, thinks you're both traitors
  308. >You have to contact and convince Princess Luna that neither of you are threats
  309. >And you still need to shower all this dry cum off
  310. >Eugh
  311.  
  312. >And now you're Anon
  313. >You hope Whatshername doesn't mind you leaving while she's in the shower
  314. >But you really need to open your shop for the day
  315. >And maybe work on a new business policy
  316. >As soon as you open the door, a wave of heat hits you, along with the stink of burning cigarettes
  317.  
  318. >You are Agent Sweetie Drops
  319. >Anon is approaching the shop, so you get to work on your trap
  320. >There's thing Anon can't possibly survive
  321. >You've used this against griffons, minotaurs, seaponies
  322. >You know a mare who used a pile of it to neutralize an entire platoon of breezie berserkers
  323. >You adjust your gas mask, light a match, and toss it into the basket
  324. >The dried herbs go up in an instant, a grey plume of deadly smoke billowing into the enclosed shop space
  325. >Mere moments later, you hear his keys in the lock
  326. >The handle turns, and a
  327.  
  328. >You are Anon, and you can't stop coughing
  329. >It smells like your grandpa's living room in here!
  330. >You squint to keep the smoke out of your eyes as you venture inside
  331. >There's a low, deep breathing sound coming from behind the counter, where you see a smoldering basket of herbs
  332. >Glancing at the partially-burned label, you realize it's tobacco
  333. >Dammit, you had to import that!
  334. >Whatever anti-smoker pony did this is gonna pay
  335. >Exactly 342 bits, which is how much you would've sold it for
  336. >As you cough, a black masked pony head peeks above the countertop
  337. >God dammit
  338.  
  339.  
  340. >You are Agent Sweetie Drops, and everything is going according to plan
  341. >Of all the poisons Anon stocks, tobacco is the most potent
  342. >How he got it, you don't know
  343. >It's banned as a chemical weapon
  344. >Even the company has a hard time getting stocks of it
  345. >Now, with Anon in his death throes, you can't help but crack a smile
  346. >Mission accomplished
  347. >And then Anon ripped off your gas mask
  348.  
  349. >You have a slightly increased risk of lung cancer, so you must be Anon
  350. >This fuckheaded pony decided to burn your tobacco!
  351. >That shit's expensive!
  352. >You reach over the counter to grab them, wrapping your fingers around the filter of their mask and pulling
  353. >The pony doesn't come with it
  354. >Your eyes widen at the sight, then immediately shut when you get an eyeful of smoke
  355. >Bonbon?!
  356. >Squinting again, you can see her grabbing at her throat and wheezing
  357. >Damn ponies, smoke inhalation is not a joke!
  358. >Grabbing her by the tuft, you drag her outside into the fresh air
  359. >She's not breathing!
  360.  
  361. >You are Fleur
  362. >Anon isn't here
  363. >You searched the entire suite after you got out of the shower, but he doesn't seem to be present
  364. >Panicking, you head down the stairs and out into the street
  365. >There's a cloud of smoke billowing into the sky down the road, so you start running
  366. >Oh Celestia, don't let you be too late!
  367.  
  368.  
  369. >You're freaking out internally, so you must be Anon
  370. >You don't know what's going on, except that one of your friends isn't breathing
  371. >It's the asscrack of dawn so the street is deserted
  372. >Nopony is around to help
  373. >You look down at her, her cream coat stained by soot, her little hooves twitching involuntarily
  374. >Her perfectly still chest
  375. >You've seen every episode of Scrubs, so you're hideously underqualified to do this
  376. >But you take a deep breath and do it anyway
  377.  
  378. >You're freaking out externally, so you must be Fleur
  379. >As you near Anon's shop, you catch a whiff of something in the air that makes your nose curl and eyes water
  380. >She didn't...
  381. >Tobacco is only used in operations where collateral doesn't matter
  382. >But here! In the middle of a heavily populated town! To kill one stallion!
  383. >You gasp and wheeze, your hooves carrying you along the cobblestones to where Anon's shop is
  384. >You round the corner, bringing Anon's Apothecary into view
  385. >Smoke billows out the doorway, the thick stench of burning chemicals filling the air
  386. >The windows are blackened, and flames occasionally lick up them
  387. >That stupid nag set the place on fire!
  388. >You'll need another shower to get this accursed smoke from your fine white fur
  389. >In front of the shop, Anon is kneeling over a prone Sweetie Drops
  390. >His lips come down and lock with hers, only for him to rise up, smack her in the chest, and come down again
  391. >You stand there stupefied for a second, before leaping into action
  392.  
  393.  
  394. >Your life is flashing before your eyes, so you must be Agent Sweetie Drops
  395. >Your heartbeat is irregular, you can't breathe, your lungs are shriveling up with smoke inside them
  396. >The bastard won
  397. >You find yourself thinking of Lyra, but she doesn't interest you
  398. >You think of your candy store, and your plans to buy a larger location, and it doesn't interest you either
  399. >You think about Anon, and your chest swells, flooding with love for him
  400. >Wait a second
  401. >You cough, expelling black smoke from your lungs, and crack open your eyes
  402. >The worried faces of Anon and Fleur loom over you
  403. >They saved you...
  404. >Why?
  405.  
  406. >You are Fleur, the most relieved assassin in Equestria
  407. >Anon is alive, and so is Sweetie Drops
  408. >Losing either of them would've been a blow to you, and made explaining this a lot more difficult
  409. >Down the street, you see a bright red carriage barrelling toward the burning building, which has quickly become an inferno
  410. >He gazes regretfully at the ruin of his business, but smiles when he sees Sweetie Drops is still alive
  411. >His technique was way off, luckily you were trained as a medic before being selected as an assassin
  412. >The three of you sit there in the street as firemares, ponice, and ponymedics begin swarming around you
  413. >Sweetie Drops is secured to a stretcher and pulled into an ambulance
  414. >A blanket is draped around Anon's shoulders, despite his best efforts to shrug it off
  415. >Somepony shoved a cup of coffee into your hooves
  416. >You can't stand the stuff, preferring tea or fine wine, but you still drink it down gladly
  417. >This fiasco is finally over
  418.  
  419.  
  420. >You are Princess Luna, and your rage has turned to a slow, simmering anger
  421. >It's been 24 hours since you've had a report from either Agent Sweetie Drops or Fleur
  422. >You stalk through the halls of the palace, servants and guests making a wide berth around you
  423. >You swear, if you don't hear from them in the next hour, you'll go down there yourse-
  424. >"Your highness?" A mare says, dressed in the uniform of a diplomatic courier
  425. >She hands you a classified scroll and flies off
  426. >You open it and cast a cypher spell on the coded words
  427. >'Dear Princess Luna,' it reads, 'Agents Sweetie Drops and Fleur-de-Lis would like to tender their resignations'
  428. >Thy cheek twitches involuntarily
  429. >'Furthermore, Anon Y. Mous of Ponyville hereby files a claim for compensation from the crown due to damages inflicted on his property during royal operations'
  430. >The fine marble floor beneath thy hooves begins to crack, an intense heat borne of rage swelling within thy royal body
  431. >Thou may'st kill somepony yet

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