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3585 20.19 KB 435
3585 20.19 KB 435
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From threads No.27544684 and No.27570038
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>Be Agent Sweetie Drops
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>You've been tasked with trailing the human to find out if he's a threat
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>You know better than to underestimate him just because he's male
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>After all, how many homme fatales have you faced off against?
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>14
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>14 homme fatales
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>You almost regret throwing the last one into a working printing press during your big fight-
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>You try not to think about it
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>You've got a job to do, no time wallowing in memory
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>Be Anon
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>You've been hanging out with Lyra, the coolest lesbian in town
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>Apparently Bon Bon is doing something silly today
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>You'll have to invite them over for dinner sometime
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>You make a mean tomato sauce!
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>Be Anon
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>Well, this dinner party didn't go as planned
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>Bonbon accidentally poured the tomato sauce down the sink!
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>But it's okay, she offered to take you all to a restaurant instead
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>It's a nice enough place, although there are a lot of mares in fedoras and trenchcoats around
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>The food is pretty good too
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>This soup is nice and garlicky, just the way you like it
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>You'll have to come here more often
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>Be Agent Sweetie Drops
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>Target has been neutralized
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>He won't know what's wrong until it's too late
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>You'd feel bad at killing such a handsome stallion
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>Especially one Lyra is getting on with so well
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>But you buried your emotions long ago
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>All that matters is that Equestria is safe
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>Even if your bed is big and empty at night
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>Be Agent Sweetie Drops
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>Target has not been neutralized
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>Anon excused himself and ran off to the colt's room, doubtless to purge his stomach of the poison
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>You'll have to figure out something else
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>Every moment he lives is another moment of danger for yourself and Equestria
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>Be Anon
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>You REALLY need to pee
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>Be Agent Sweetie Drops
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>You fucked up
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>You knew, as a license apothecary, Anon could legally grow all sorts of dangerous plants
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>He obviously recognized the taste of garlic, and quickly administered the antidote
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>Damned sly colt
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>And now he knew that you knew about his activities
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>You have only one chance to survive, and more importantly, complete the assignment
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>While Lyra is asleep, you load up your gear and slip out the back door
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>You'll get Anon, or he'll get you
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>That's how it is in this business
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>Be Anon
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>You were chopping onions for tomorrow's stew when you notice motion outside
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>Is that Bonbon creeping around your bushes?
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>Silly horse, does she want to apologize again even though you've forgiven her?
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>You flick on the porch light and go out to meet her, onion juice dripping from your knife
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>Be Agent Sweetie Drops
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>The next few seconds happen in a flash
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>Literally, as Anon turns on his porch light, blinding you in your nightvision goggles
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>You should've known he'd be watching, waiting for you
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>You catch a glimpse of a knife in his hand as you struggle to remove your goggles and defend yourself at the same time
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>His strong arms wrap around you and begin to squeeze, displaying the brutish strength of his primate race
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>Without thinking, you jam your hoof down on where you presume his crotch is
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>He yelps in pain, letting you fall out of his deadly embrace
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>A dirty move, but there are no rules in this game
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>While he sinks to his knees, you wrench the knife from his hand and throw it into the bushes
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>Sliding your crossbow from its holster, you notch a bolt, aim, and
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>Be Anon
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>Your family jewels may never be the same
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>Fucking strong horse hooves
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>You shouldn't have grabbed her like that, not when she was already freaked out
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>You think you're going to puke
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>Yep
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>Just as you squeeze the trigger, Anon does... something
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>He opens his mouth and a disgusting-smelling liquid pours out, splashing the ground and your hooves
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>You fire wildly in shock, the bolt flying uselessly off into the distance
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>You take a step back, only to notice the thick material of your combat boots dissolving to reveal your tactical socks
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>Of course he can spit acid
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>Why not
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>You decide it's time to make a tactical retreat
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>Be Anon
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>You just puked on your little horse friend
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>She just wanted to apologize
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>Or steal your underwear, who knows
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>Either way, you'll have to apologize now
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>But she doesn't seem to be here
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>Probably ran off when you started barfing
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>Be Agent Sweetie Drops
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>You've failed to neutralize the target
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>Now he's doubtless contacting his superiors in Humania for backup or extraction
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>And you'll have to face your own superiors for the same
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>And... You just realized you forgot your crossbow
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>Be Anon
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>While cleaning up your little mess, you discovered a tiny horse-sized crossbow
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>Bonbon must've dropped it
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>Can't be too careful after dark
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>Thou art Princess Luna
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>Thou dost rarely speaketh this way, save for when thou art infuriated
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>Thou art most infuriated right now
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"Knave! Can'st thou not destroy a simple colt?! Now he has surely retreated, we shalt never catch him!"
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>You are Agent Sweetie Drops
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>Your teats are in agony right now
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>You don't think they'll ever be un-twisted
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>But Princess Luna promised you reinforcement
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>And you've received it
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>Be Fleur de Lis
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>Special Agent for the Princess
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>Apparently this rookie agent can't perform a simple liquidation
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>No matter, with your superior femininity, you shall prevail against this pathetic, masculine foe
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>And maybe get your clit sucked while you're at it
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>Be Anon
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>You stopped by Bonbon's house to apologize and return her crossbow, but no one was home
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>So you headed to the bar
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>Because fuck it, it's ten in the morning and you don't work today
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>Now, seated at your favorite stool, nursing a mug of hot cider, you start to wonder where Bonbon even got that crossbow
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>It sure didn't look like the ones in the local hunting store
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>It almost looked military, all black and-
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>"Hey there cutie, can I buy you a drink?"
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>Be Fleur
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>Easy as apple pie
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>You acquired the target, bought him drink after drink, and have now brought him back to your hotel room
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>You'll have your way with him, and then you'll complete the mission
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>You see the little slut's tent in his pants
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>Oh, how you can't wait to take those off
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>You are Fleur de Lis, the most glamorous assassin in Equestria
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>You can't feel your legs
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>Your ass hurts
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>As does your marehole
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>And your throat
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>Your mane, tail, and hooves are all sticky too
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>Perhaps you'll have to deal with this the old fashioned way
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>When you try and move, however, Anon's strong arms pull you back into his warm embrace
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>M-maybe you can deal with him tomorrow
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>Be Agent Sweetie Drops
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>You knew Agent Fleur couldn't handle this
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>She uses her own name as a codename, for Celestia's sake!
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>She's lucky to be alive, that he didn't find some way of killing her during that quite frankly amazing sex they have
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>You'll teach her a lesson
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>The salt packet you pour into Anon's mouth contains enough sodium to kill a manticore
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>His veins will collapse, and he'll die quietly in his sleep
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>Tomorrow morning will be a morning Fleur never forgets
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>You never quite forget the first time you wake up next to a corpse
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>Your mouth tastes extremely dry and salty, so you must be Anon
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>Reluctantly abandoning your pony teddy, you head to the kitchenette and pour yourself a glass of water
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>Maybe you'll make breakfast too, you were never the 'gone by dawn' kind of guy
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>Be Agent Fleur, the sleepiest, sorest, happiest assassin in the world
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>You feel slightly colder, more exposed
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>Has Anon left already?
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>Wait
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>Anon!
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>As quickly as you can, you slide into a sitting position and get off the bed
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>Your fur feels extremely gross
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>You'll need a bath later
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>But first, there's a loose end to tie up
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>You creep through the suite as quietly as you can in your bloated and abused state
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>Aha!
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>You spot that fine piece of ass in the kitchen, working over a sizzling frying pan
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>He brings an egg out of the pan and slaps it on a piece of toast
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>Egg sandwiches, which you easily recognize as a staple of carnivore diets everywhere
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>And then he pulls out a tomato, slices it, and wraps it in lettuce
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>He places the packet between slices of toast, and places it on another plate
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>That's your breakfast, you realize
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>A breakfast of doom
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>Be Anon
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>You had to buy eggs from a carnivore specialty store, so you doubt Fleur would like one
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>You popped down to your apothecary store and grabbed some fresh veggies for her
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>You're sure she'll appreciate this
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>You are Agent Sweetie Drops
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>And apparently Anon is immune to salt
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>Because why the fuck not
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>You watched him all goddamn night, waiting for the moment he'd slip away
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>You just had to see the look on Fleur's face when she realized he wasn't breathing
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>But of course he didn't die
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>Of course he's still alive
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>You watched him get up, shower, go down the street to his goddamn STORE, and-
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>The store! That's it!
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>Leaving 'Agent' Fleur to her fate, you rappel down the side of the building and start running down the street
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>You can salvage this mission yet!
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>Be Agent Fleur, Equestria's most frightened assassin
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>This isn't how it was supposed to go at all!
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>After poisoning your sandwich, Anon looks down at the red fruit of death
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>He picks up a slice
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>And eats it
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>Dammit! He knows his cover is blown and would rather die than come quietly!
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>You coil back and leap on him like a mighty panther, knocking him flat on his perfect ass
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>Horselich maneuver! Go!
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>You reach around and give his stomach a hard jerk, causing him to gag
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>As a defensive mechanism, he spits a glob of stomach acid as he turns to face you
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>In that glob is the chewed remains of a tomato!
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>You place a hoof on his neck and shove him to the floor
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"Now, you and I are going to have a little talk."
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>Be Anon
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>You're currently being pinned to the ground by a very skinny, but apparently very strong horse
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>You've heard mares have higher sex drives than stallions, but this is a bit much
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>You're beginning to have your doubt about this, so you must be Fleur
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>Anon has since removed himself from the floor and sat at the table
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>He just sits there, calmly his sandwich as you interrogate him
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>And it's not going well
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"If tomatoes aren't poisonous to your species... Is salt or garlic?"
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>"Nope."
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"So you weren't trying to poison me?"
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>"Nope."
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>He just keeps munching on that damn egg sandwich
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>You know, like all honeypot agents, like all stallions, he's been trained since birth into the perfect liar
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>But for some reason, you want to believe him
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>And that belief isn't as relieving as you'd hope
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>You haven't been harassing and attempting to kill an innocent stallion?
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>You're the good guys, right?
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>Right?
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>Be Agent Sweetie Drops, clinging to the window with your little suction cup hooves
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>Agent Fleur is compromised
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>You'll have to report her betrayal posthumously
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>The scope on Anon's hunting crossbow is calibrated for long distance, but at this range, it gives you a perfect view of his eye
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>His handsome little grey eye
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>You have a tasty sandwich, so you must be Anon
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>Apparently your one night stand thought you were trying to kill her
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>You put on an indifferent mask, but secretly, you're freaking out
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>How many times have you sold poisonous ingredients assuming they were for cooking?!
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>A lot
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>That's how you pay your rent
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>Rather than worry about any murders you may be an accessory to, you focus on your delicious sandwich
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>You got Fleur's tomato slice since she can't eat it
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>It's no ketchup, but egg and tomato is just as nice
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>Aw shit
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>It just slid out onto the floor
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>You reach down and pick it up, feeling a breeze across your neck as you bend over
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>You are Fleur, the most morally confused assassin in Equestria
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>If Anon is innocent, how many other such misunderstandings have taken place?
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>You long for the good old days when you didn't question anything
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>That's it, you're returning your license to kill and applying for a desk job
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>The glamour and excitement is not worth all this guilt
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>Anon ducks down for a moment, and something fast whizzes by, just missing his head
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>With a dull thud, it embeds itself in the loveseat just behind him
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>You whip your head around, getting a glimpse of a pink-and-blue mane as it disappears beneath the window sill
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>Buck...
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>You are Agent Sweetie Drops
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>Targets still active
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>Fleur has been caught by his masculine wiles, as you knew she would
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>Damned schoolfilly
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>You'll send them both to tartarus
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>You are Fleur, the most terrified former assassin in Equestria
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>Who knows how long Sweetie Drops was watching?
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>You, Anon, sitting together, eating breakfast
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>It didn't paint a good picture
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>There's no way you'd ever convince her to back down, either
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>She'll only stop with a direct order from Princess Luna
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>Evading your fellow agent's assassination attempts will be the easy part
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>Luna hasn't trusted your word since the Stalliongrad incident
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>How were you supposed to know those colts were really Kirin agents?
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>You are Anon
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>You wonder if you should start doing background checks on your customers
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>You are Agent Sweetie Drops
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>And you know there's only one way to kill a pony
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>Or apelien, in this case
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>When he comes home, he's in for a big surprise
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>You're trying to make sense of this situation, so you must be Fleur
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>Okay, start from the beginning
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>Anon is almost certainly innocent, at least of intent
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>Agent Sweetie Drops, the hardest hardflank in the company, thinks you're both traitors
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>You have to contact and convince Princess Luna that neither of you are threats
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>And you still need to shower all this dry cum off
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>Eugh
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>And now you're Anon
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>You hope Whatshername doesn't mind you leaving while she's in the shower
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>But you really need to open your shop for the day
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>And maybe work on a new business policy
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>As soon as you open the door, a wave of heat hits you, along with the stink of burning cigarettes
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>You are Agent Sweetie Drops
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>Anon is approaching the shop, so you get to work on your trap
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>There's thing Anon can't possibly survive
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>You've used this against griffons, minotaurs, seaponies
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>You know a mare who used a pile of it to neutralize an entire platoon of breezie berserkers
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>You adjust your gas mask, light a match, and toss it into the basket
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>The dried herbs go up in an instant, a grey plume of deadly smoke billowing into the enclosed shop space
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>Mere moments later, you hear his keys in the lock
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>The handle turns, and a
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>You are Anon, and you can't stop coughing
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>It smells like your grandpa's living room in here!
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>You squint to keep the smoke out of your eyes as you venture inside
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>There's a low, deep breathing sound coming from behind the counter, where you see a smoldering basket of herbs
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>Glancing at the partially-burned label, you realize it's tobacco
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>Dammit, you had to import that!
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>Whatever anti-smoker pony did this is gonna pay
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>Exactly 342 bits, which is how much you would've sold it for
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>As you cough, a black masked pony head peeks above the countertop
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>God dammit
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>You are Agent Sweetie Drops, and everything is going according to plan
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>Of all the poisons Anon stocks, tobacco is the most potent
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>How he got it, you don't know
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>It's banned as a chemical weapon
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>Even the company has a hard time getting stocks of it
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>Now, with Anon in his death throes, you can't help but crack a smile
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>Mission accomplished
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>And then Anon ripped off your gas mask
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>You have a slightly increased risk of lung cancer, so you must be Anon
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>This fuckheaded pony decided to burn your tobacco!
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>That shit's expensive!
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>You reach over the counter to grab them, wrapping your fingers around the filter of their mask and pulling
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>The pony doesn't come with it
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>Your eyes widen at the sight, then immediately shut when you get an eyeful of smoke
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>Bonbon?!
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>Squinting again, you can see her grabbing at her throat and wheezing
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>Damn ponies, smoke inhalation is not a joke!
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>Grabbing her by the tuft, you drag her outside into the fresh air
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>She's not breathing!
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>You are Fleur
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>Anon isn't here
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>You searched the entire suite after you got out of the shower, but he doesn't seem to be present
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>Panicking, you head down the stairs and out into the street
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>There's a cloud of smoke billowing into the sky down the road, so you start running
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>Oh Celestia, don't let you be too late!
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>You're freaking out internally, so you must be Anon
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>You don't know what's going on, except that one of your friends isn't breathing
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>It's the asscrack of dawn so the street is deserted
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>Nopony is around to help
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>You look down at her, her cream coat stained by soot, her little hooves twitching involuntarily
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>Her perfectly still chest
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>You've seen every episode of Scrubs, so you're hideously underqualified to do this
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>But you take a deep breath and do it anyway
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>You're freaking out externally, so you must be Fleur
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>As you near Anon's shop, you catch a whiff of something in the air that makes your nose curl and eyes water
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>She didn't...
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>Tobacco is only used in operations where collateral doesn't matter
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>But here! In the middle of a heavily populated town! To kill one stallion!
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>You gasp and wheeze, your hooves carrying you along the cobblestones to where Anon's shop is
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>You round the corner, bringing Anon's Apothecary into view
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>Smoke billows out the doorway, the thick stench of burning chemicals filling the air
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>The windows are blackened, and flames occasionally lick up them
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>That stupid nag set the place on fire!
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>You'll need another shower to get this accursed smoke from your fine white fur
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>In front of the shop, Anon is kneeling over a prone Sweetie Drops
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>His lips come down and lock with hers, only for him to rise up, smack her in the chest, and come down again
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>You stand there stupefied for a second, before leaping into action
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>Your life is flashing before your eyes, so you must be Agent Sweetie Drops
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>Your heartbeat is irregular, you can't breathe, your lungs are shriveling up with smoke inside them
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>The bastard won
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>You find yourself thinking of Lyra, but she doesn't interest you
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>You think of your candy store, and your plans to buy a larger location, and it doesn't interest you either
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>You think about Anon, and your chest swells, flooding with love for him
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>Wait a second
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>You cough, expelling black smoke from your lungs, and crack open your eyes
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>The worried faces of Anon and Fleur loom over you
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>They saved you...
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>Why?
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>You are Fleur, the most relieved assassin in Equestria
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>Anon is alive, and so is Sweetie Drops
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>Losing either of them would've been a blow to you, and made explaining this a lot more difficult
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>Down the street, you see a bright red carriage barrelling toward the burning building, which has quickly become an inferno
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>He gazes regretfully at the ruin of his business, but smiles when he sees Sweetie Drops is still alive
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>His technique was way off, luckily you were trained as a medic before being selected as an assassin
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>The three of you sit there in the street as firemares, ponice, and ponymedics begin swarming around you
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>Sweetie Drops is secured to a stretcher and pulled into an ambulance
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418.
>A blanket is draped around Anon's shoulders, despite his best efforts to shrug it off
-
419.
>Somepony shoved a cup of coffee into your hooves
-
420.
>You can't stand the stuff, preferring tea or fine wine, but you still drink it down gladly
-
421.
>This fiasco is finally over
-
422.
-
423.
-
424.
>You are Princess Luna, and your rage has turned to a slow, simmering anger
-
425.
>It's been 24 hours since you've had a report from either Agent Sweetie Drops or Fleur
-
426.
>You stalk through the halls of the palace, servants and guests making a wide berth around you
-
427.
>You swear, if you don't hear from them in the next hour, you'll go down there yourse-
-
428.
>"Your highness?" A mare says, dressed in the uniform of a diplomatic courier
-
429.
>She hands you a classified scroll and flies off
-
430.
>You open it and cast a cypher spell on the coded words
-
431.
>'Dear Princess Luna,' it reads, 'Agents Sweetie Drops and Fleur-de-Lis would like to tender their resignations'
-
432.
>Thy cheek twitches involuntarily
-
433.
>'Furthermore, Anon Y. Mous of Ponyville hereby files a claim for compensation from the crown due to damages inflicted on his property during royal operations'
-
434.
>The fine marble floor beneath thy hooves begins to crack, an intense heat borne of rage swelling within thy royal body
-
435.
>Thou may'st kill somepony yet
by Codekek
by Codekek
by Codekek
by Codekek
by Codekek