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ErroneousDraconequus(2017): Acutecalypse 1: (Here come the Horses)

By dadonequus_archives
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-05-13 18:04:35
Expiry: Never
/dad/

  1. >You are Discord
  2. >King of chaos
  3. >Prince of pandemonium
  4. >Archduke of anarchy
  5. >Earl of eris
  6. >Baron of bedlam!
  7. >Why is it you're heading down the social ladder?
  8. >Must be because you feel as if that's the case
  9. >Everything has become so stale lately
  10. >You can't do anything without raising the suspicion or ire of these tiresome ponyfolk
  11. >If only you could get away with sowing chaos without any of the blame falling on you
  12. >Ah, but the purple book princess has given you just the out you needed
  13. >Equestrian politics, blegh
  14. >But there was one interesting section that caught your attention
  15. >Adoption
  16. >Ahhh yes, what a perfect way to seem like an angel while your little devils run about sowing quality chaos for you
  17. >But not just any old foal will do, no no no
  18. >You need someone with a bit more... understanding
  19. >And you certainly won't find it in Equestria
  20. >Let's see here
  21. >Mm, no, this universe is too smelly
  22. >This one is too stupid
  23. >These ones already have versions of you trying the same thing but with much less success
  24. >Ahhhhhh, what's this?
  25. >Such glorious chaos! Such beautiful pandemonium!
  26. >Who is responsible you wonder?
  27. >What's that the terrified inhabitants are screaming about?
  28. >The Apocalypse?
  29. >Sounds like one of those heavy metal bands you never cared much for
  30. >What's this? Ponies? Here? Seems their spawn taints many worlds
  31. >Oh but what fine specimens!
  32. >Theeeeese, oh yes, these are wonderful
  33. >They sow such sweet chaos unto this plane
  34. >You must have them for your plans
  35. >Come little ones, daddy Discord will be here to see you do right by your world!
  36.  
  37. >And so now you are a father of four
  38. "Famine, quit eating dirt! War, stop fighting with your brothers! Conquest, what have I told you about pillaging the living room? The television is not your throne! Death, stop slingshotting birds out of trees, Fluttershy will be furious with me!"
  39. >This is a bit more trouble than you had bargained for
  40.  
  41. >"Discord, a-adoption is a big responsibility and, oh my, one is hard enough to take care of, but four?"
  42. "Oh my dear, sweet Fluttershy. They are all brothers. I could not separate them so callously! And the agency was having a hard time caring for them all. If I didn't adopt them then, they may have ended up back on the street!"
  43. >"W-What happened to their parents?"
  44. "I'm not sure about the mother, but the father was a drunk who abandoned them and left them to fend for themselves."
  45. >"How terrible!"
  46. "I know, this God fellow sounds like a real asshole."
  47. >"Discord, you shouldn't swear in front of the foals!"
  48. "Oh please, this little red hellraiser right here has taught me words even I didn't know existed."
  49. >You watch as War pushes Famine down and heabutts him in the muzzle before Conquest dives in and absconds with his candy
  50. >"Still, you should set a better example- OH MY GOODNESS!"
  51. "What? What's wrong?"
  52. >She flies over to Death who you spy burning ants with a magnifying glass
  53. >Oh dear, you were afraid of this
  54. >"What in Equestria are you doing young man?!"
  55. >"Killin' things."
  56. >"But why?! Those poor ants did nothing to you!"
  57. >"Cuz it's fun."
  58. >Fluttershy trembles
  59. >"Killing is not fun!"
  60. >"Says you! I live for the thrill of the kill! To see my enemies battered and bloodied before me! To smell the stench of fresh entrails spilled upon hallowed ground! The dead look in the eyes of rotting corpses! It's euphoric! It's amazing! Hahahahahaha!"
  61. >He's practically foaming at the mouth
  62. >That boy has issues
  63. >You can already see him as a teenager, painting his walls black, wearing mascara and droning on about the meaninglessness of life as he takes selfies all day
  64. >Fluttershy stares off into space as if her mind has broken
  65. >Time to step in-
  66. >"Holy hell, is that a bear?!"
  67. >The boys all look up in wonder
  68. >"FOR GLORY!" screams War
  69. >"I will have its pelt for my bedr- I mean throne room!"
  70. >"S-Save some for me! I didn't get breakfast this morning!"
  71. >Death just snarls and charges with a wild look in his eyes
  72. >The bear, more like a deer caught in the headlights, can only mutter a frightened "Ruh-roh."
  73.  
  74. >You spend the next few hours playing referee whilst trying to maintain Fluttershy's sanity
  75. "Just hehe, a minor oversight. I'm still getting used to this whole parenting business, you see."
  76. >Twilight gives you an unamused stare as the poor butter yellow pegasus shakes in the fetal position in a corner
  77. >Death has been throwing flaming knives at Angel Bunny for the past 15 minutes under the guise of playing "magician"
  78. >Cute if you didn't know the boy was full of shit when it came to everything he does that involves deadly objects and living beings
  79. >War is in the yard creating an army of chickens
  80. >Said something about how just one of them can take on an army of super boxers and cannoneers or whatever other nonsense
  81. >Famine gave up on trying to eat the animals just to cry himself to sleep in a bag of cat food
  82. >Conquest has declared himself lord of the cottage and is having the ferrets and flamingos serve him a feast while gathering all of Fluttershy's meager belongings in a pile as tribute to their new 'king'
  83. >"Discord. We will have words. Once I get Fluttershy to calm down I'm writing a letter to the princesses about this."
  84. >Oh no
  85. >Not yet
  86. >They can't be allowed to pass any sort of judgement until you have a better handle on things
  87. "Why my dear Twilight, you wound me! And here I was hoping my GOOD friends would help support me through this trying ordeal."
  88. >You feign hurt
  89. >"Not this time, Discord. You've pulled plenty of stunts before, but nothing so reckless and irresponsible as adopting young foals! You don't even have control of them!"
  90. "Sure I do! It's just some of that, eh, new age parenting?"
  91. >She's not buying it
  92. >She just jabs a hoof out as she points as the mess the boys are making
  93. >Conquest is laughing in delight as furniture is being set on fire
  94. >War has set up encampments around the cottage - you don't even know where he got those trebuchets
  95. "They're rambunctious children! What can I say? Boys will be boys."
  96. >"Discord, you are not getting out of this with such piss poor excuses."
  97. >"Language, Twilight."
  98. >Ah, it seems Fluttershy has come back to the land of the living
  99. >...Or not
  100. >She's still hugging her knees to her chest as she rocks back and forth
  101. >Tea time is probably going to be cancelled for the foreseeable future
  102. >A shame, really
  103. "Well now Twilight, that just won't do! I can't have those nosy princesses telling me my business. Tell you what, generous being that I am, I will give it a week - and if I can't tame these boys by then, I will let you have at it with the princesses."
  104. >"I'm not giving you a week Dis-"
  105. >You shove a finger to her lips
  106. "Ah ah ah, who said you had a choice in the matter? BOYS! LINE UP!"
  107. >Your little soldiers zip right up in rank and file
  108. >Pushing each other, but at attention nonetheless
  109. >Good, you're making some progress it seems
  110. "Now, it looks as if we have a teensy tiny little nerd problem on our hooves. This-"
  111. >You hold Twilight up by her pits
  112. "-is trying to spoil OUR fun! Dreadful, I know. Which is why I want you to lock her up in the deepest darkest dungeon you can find in the old Canterlot castle and throw away the key!"
  113. >The boys cheer
  114. >"And then we sacrifice her in an unholy blood ritual?!"
  115. "No, no blood ritual."
  116. >"Aww."
  117. >"DISCORD! You wouldn't dare-"
  118. >With a snap, the boys and your little bookworm all disappear somewhere into the monster infested forest to play prison keeper
  119. >Who said you weren't a good parent?
  120. >With a few more flicks, snaps and twists of your wrists, you banish away the flames and... oh, sweet chaos
  121. >But you must suck it up, for your favorite pegasus' sake
  122. "Fluttershy. Oh Fluttershy. It's time to wake up now, sleepy head."
  123. >"Wha? Huh? O-Oh, Discord. I had the most horrible nightmare. You had adopted four young foals and they were all so poorly behaved and were terrorizing the poor, cute little animals. I just- oh, I'm so glad it was just a dream."
  124. >She smiles up at you
  125. "Oh Fluttershy. I'm afraid that was all real. And we're going to have so much fun, I can't wait!"
  126. >Dread fills her being as she flaps her mouth at you like a fish
  127. >And promptly passes out
  128. >Hmm, a bit too much for her still
  129. >You'll give her time to process this turn of events
  130. >For now you have some parenting to... ugh, plan
  131. >Ohhh! You can't wait to see their faces when you enroll the boys in school!
  132. >It was then as if a thousand schoolmarms had cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced
  133. >Must have been your imagination
  134. >It gets pretty dark up there sometimes
  135. >It doesn't last as you turn on the lights
  136. >You have ideeeeaaas~!
  137.  
  138. >Alright, now what are those boys up to this time?
  139. >Conquest is in the bedroom, having claimed the top bunk for himself after pushing Famine off
  140. >Famine is on the floor crying and gnawing at the rug
  141. >War is... making origami sculptures? Huh
  142. >And Death is watching movies in the living room
  143. >Violent ones at that
  144. >That boy really doesn't need any more of that getting into his silly little head
  145. "Death, wouldn't you want to put on something a bit more wholesome? A bit more family friendly? I hear the teletubbies are wonderfully chaotic."
  146. >"Nah. I want to see people murder each other."
  147. >Of course
  148. >"Hey dad?"
  149. "Yes, son?"
  150. >"Have you ever heard of Huey Lewis and the News?"
  151. >...That's enough of that
  152. >"Hey!"
  153. >You pick him up as you flip off the television
  154. "Sit down at the table for breakfast while I gather your brothers."
  155. >"But-"
  156. "Now now, not another peep. We have important things to do today!"
  157. >"Ffffffine."
  158. "Orange juice?"
  159. >"Meh."
  160. >Stroking your beard, you come up with a glorious idea
  161. >Pulling the young colt back, you stifle his cry with a long, hard rod
  162. >A toothbrush to be exact
  163. >After a moment of furious brushing, you near drown him in water before hitting the back of his head
  164. >He spews out the foul mixture
  165. >"Ugh, what's the big idea?!" he coughs
  166. "Here, orange juice. Drink."
  167. >"Was all that really neces- oh hey! This tastes like death!"
  168. "That's the idea."
  169. >Leaving the young colt to finish his orange juice, you go to fetch the rest of the boys
  170. >Hefting a shoebox like the parents do, you set about collecting the art of War
  171. >And collect the colt himself on the way back to the kitchen
  172. "Sit here and keep your brother company. And no fighting at the breakfast table!"
  173. >Not to be confused with the lunch table or the dinner table
  174. >Yes, you change those out when the time comes
  175. >He grumbles and pours himself a glass
  176. >Such a mess that young boy makes
  177. >Crayons all over the table
  178. >Toys strewn across the floor
  179. >You go about snapping it all away to their respective cubbyholes
  180. >RAPP, TANG
  181. >Egads, you nearly tripped over the drums of War!
  182. >It amazed you how into music he was
  183. >Though usually it sounded more cacophonous than melodic
  184. >Like a chaotic mishmash of ratta-tat-tats and loud bangs
  185. >He's a bit more sophisticated than his brothers, you'll give him that
  186. >Making your way into the bedroom, you spot Famine chewing on the drapes
  187. >Ah yes, you picked those yourself
  188. >He has good taste
  189. >Conquest on the other hand has pilfered all the pillows in the room and has created himself a nice little nest on the bed
  190. >Greedy little thing
  191. >Lifting the two with your magic, you make your way back to the table to deposit them in their seats
  192. >Before any more complaints can be levied, you supply the table with a healthy stack of golden pancakes
  193. >That shuts them up right quick as they all dig in, each one eating how it suits them
  194. >Famine glutting himself, Conquest conquering his plate, War tearing into his flapjacks viciously
  195. >And Death is... dipping them in his orange juice
  196. >Never mind that
  197. >It's time for announcements!
  198. >Tapping a spoon against a glass until it breaks and the pieces grow legs and scamper off under the fridge, you catch the boys' attention
  199. "Well boys, we have a big day planned ahead of us. Are you ready for school?"
  200. >A collective groan resounds at the table
  201. "I know, I know! Such an orderly and absolutely boring place, but it is required for growing young minds, or so they say."
  202. >"Ha! I don't think Death's brain is capable of growing!"
  203. >"Shut up, Pest!"
  204. >"Don't call me that!"
  205. >"It's what you are!"
  206. >"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I order you!"
  207. >Ah yes
  208. >The boy introduced himself as Conquest, but his brothers had a nickname for him
  209. >Pestilence you believed it was, or Pest for short
  210. >The boy at least earned the title in the obnoxious and entitled way he acted
  211. >Too much like Blueblood for your tastes
  212. >A pancake goes flying and just manages to miss his head as it slaps wetly against the wall
  213. >Hmm, modern art - you like!
  214. >Conquest sticks out his tongue then grabs Famine's stack off his plate to claim it as his own
  215. >"Mine!"
  216. >This is met with a whimper
  217. >He doesn't get to enjoy his horde long however, as Death pushes the entire stack off the table
  218. >"How dare you!"
  219. >War laughs before his stack is pushed off as well
  220. >Death sneers
  221. >"Try making a reservation at Dorsia now!"
  222. >"WAR MAKES NO RESERVATIONS!"
  223. >The red colt tackles his brother off the table as they both go rolling around in syrup
  224. >What a sticky situation
  225. >And here you thought War and Death got along better
  226. >Famine has relegated himself to munching on the tablecloth
  227. >Not discouraged by the loss of his pancakes, Conquest begins pocketing the silverware like a thieving Jew
  228. >You believe this has gone on far enough
  229. >Squeezing the syrup you create a rope of gooey goodness and lasso it around the table
  230. >With a quick yank, you hogtie all four boys into a messy ball of disgruntled ponies
  231. >Bouncing them down the hall much to their grunts of displeasure, you slam dunk them into an already filled bathtub
  232. >Soon the syrup dissolves and they're playing in the water
  233. >You pull some Sorcerer's Apprentice shenanigans and the brushes start scrubbing on their own
  234. >More than once you have to pry Death off of Famine as he tries to drown the poor colt in the water
  235. >Even now Conquest is trying to horde all the bubbles
  236. >And of course War found a water gun and continues shooting his brothers in the eyes with it
  237. >It contains soap
  238. >"Gah! Chemical warfare is dirty you unwashed peasant!"
  239. >"Unwashed? Are you blind? Oh yeah, you are!"
  240. >The boys splash at each other, Conquest gaining ground as he makes turn the tides of War
  241. >This goes on until you decide they're clean enough
  242. >Magicking them out of the tub, you begin to dry them off with towels and a blow dryer
  243. >They all puff up like fluffies
  244. >Death snickers at this
  245. >Conquest rubs himself against Famine
  246. >It almost strikes you speechless as he manages to suck the fluffiness off of his brother and adds it to his own
  247. >This leaves Famine flat and dejected and Conquest even poofier than before
  248. >"Aww."
  249. >That he would horde even poofiness baffles the mind
  250. >And you're freakin' Discord!
  251. >With a whirl you get the boys looking relatively normal again
  252. >Shooing them to the front door, you give each a packed lunch and a backpack of supplies and head out
  253. >The procession into Ponyville is met with mixed reactions
  254. >Confusion, intrigue, horror and general chaos
  255. >You quite like that last one
  256. >Making your way up to the schoolhouse, you pass by dozens of other children getting ready for school
  257. >None quite like your boys, of course
  258. >Ah, is this parental pride you're feeling?
  259. >It feels... It feels... So very normal
  260. >Well you can't be having that
  261. >Need to save those feels when they accomplish something of actual value
  262. >Before you can make it to the front door, however, you're interrupted by shouts and chanting
  263. >Oh my, what's this? A schoolyard brawl? In peaceful Ponyville?
  264. >Oh this day is just turning out perrrfectly
  265. >Moving over to the fence, you peer over to see that Diamond Tiara filly wailing on some poor sap
  266. "My, it seems we've stumbled upon quite a show, wouldn't you say?"
  267. >With a mighty scream the filly delivers her coup de grace
  268. >"This playground is mine, do you hear me?! I won't have some filthy blankflank thinking they can just waltz around wherever they please and take what's rightfully mine!"
  269. >What a brat
  270. >Not that it matters to you, not your kid, not your problem
  271. >Is that also part of being a good parent? You forget
  272. >Though it seems a new development is occurring right next to you
  273. >War places a hoof to his chest and stares at the panting filly
  274. >"I think I am in love."
  275. >His brothers give him bewildered looks
  276. >"You feeling okay?"
  277. >"She is like a mad beast set upon a glorious battlefield."
  278. >That's one way to describe school
  279. >"See how the sun shines upon her glistening coat, sweat like gold and dirt like silver. I must have her!"
  280. >"And I must disagree. I saw her first!"
  281. >"You what?!"
  282. >Oh drama
  283. >Conquest sneers at War as he makes known his intentions
  284. >"She takes as she pleases! Clearly she is a princess more suited for someone of class like me!"
  285. >"You would not know class if you walked through that door and sat in it, swine!"
  286. >"Just who are you calling swine?!"
  287. >Death and Famine just shrug at each other and continue onwards
  288. >"I will fight you for her!"
  289. >"And I will win!"
  290. >"You are a scoundrel, a thief!"
  291. >"All is fair in love... and War, I don't play fair."
  292. >The two square off and stare each other in the eye
  293. "Not that I want to interrupt this touching sibling rivalry, but class will start soon. You two may fight to the death later."
  294. >"Did someone say death?"
  295. "Get inside, you."
  296. >Ushering the boys in, you all stand rather awkwardly in front of the class now filling up with curious students
  297. >Cheerilee makes her way to the desk, strained and nervous smile twitching on her face
  298. >Perhaps she's feeling a bit constipated
  299. >"Class, it seems we have some new arrivals this year. Boys, why don't you go ahead and introduce yourselves?"
  300. >Famine hides behind Death while the latter makes no attempt to move
  301. >As Conquest proudly puffs out his chest and goes to introduce himself first, he's shoved roughly aside by War
  302. >"I AM WAR! AND YOU PINK FILLY! I WILL MAKE YOU MY BRIDE!"
  303.  
  304. >The class blinks in surprise at War's outburst and the filly in question in disgust as he points a hoof at her
  305. >Cheerilee almost mechanically turns her head your way, looking you in the eye as if to blame you for not disciplining your children enough, all while maintaining that strained smile
  306. >How rude!
  307. >The day hasn't even started yet and already you're being blamed!
  308. >Being a single father can be such a challenge
  309. >It would be behoove these ponies not to point theirs in accusation so readily
  310. "Now see here-"
  311. >"Now see here!"
  312. >Conquest interrupts you as he gets up from the floor
  313. >"I will not have my honor besmirched by-"
  314. >He's cut off as War extends his hoof and sends his brother flying again
  315. >The class stares in awe of such casual violence, unsure what to think
  316. >"Your answer?"
  317. >"My answer is no you freak!"
  318. >"I will fight for you."
  319. >"I have ponies that can do that for me!"
  320. >"But none as capable as I."
  321. >"You're just a colt!"
  322. >"I am strong."
  323. >"What you are is a weirdo."
  324. >"No, I am War."
  325. >"You're stupid, you know that?"
  326. >"NO, I AM WAR!"
  327. >The rafters shake with his booming voice
  328. >"I heard you the first time, the answer is still no!"
  329. >"Then perhaps I shall take you by force!"
  330. >"You will do no such thing!"
  331. >It's almost hypnotic the back and forth movements of foals' heads as they take in the scene
  332. >Again Conquest leaps to his hooves and approaches, this time with more caution
  333. >"Hoho, it seems as if the fair lady does not wish for your brutish company! I have already won this battle before it has begun."
  334. >The class watches in anticipation as Conquest approaches Diamond
  335. >Giving a curt bow he raises his face and puts on his suavest smile
  336. >"I must apologize for my uncouth brother. He can be such a pain sometimes."
  337. >He lifts one of her hooves and plants a kiss on it
  338. >"I however can offer you so much mo-"
  339. >For the third time since entering the classroom, he receives a punch for his troubles
  340. >This one comes from directly in front of him, buried comically in his face
  341. >"Eugh! You're all freaks!"
  342. >Pulling back with a broken smile, Conquest pushes one of his teeth back in place with the tip of his tongue
  343. >"Aha, I see this rose has thorns~"
  344. >"I've got a lot more than thorns for you if you don't beat it buster!"
  345. >It's then that she notices Conquest's golden crown as he straightens himself out
  346. >"Get that off your head!"
  347. >"What?"
  348. >"I said take that crown off your head! I'm the only one allowed to wear a tiara in here and there's no way I'm letting some pretender think he can move in on my turf!"
  349. >She begins trying to bat it off his head
  350. >He steps back in shock
  351. >"This is my crown! I part with it for no one!"
  352. >"You better take that off if you know what's good for you!"
  353. >"Never!"
  354. >Meanwhile back in snoresville
  355. >"Discord, I thought you said you had them well-behaved."
  356. "I do! For the most part. They are young colts you understand, always getting into trouble even on the best of occasions."
  357. >"As long as I have your word they aren't going to cause problems for my class. Otherwise I will have to contact princess Twilight about this. You said she okay'd it, right?"
  358. "Hmm? Oh yes yes, sure. Totally."
  359. >She gives you an unimpressed stare
  360. >You're paying more attention to the boys than the conversation at the moment
  361. >The struggle in the front of the classroom has ended with Tiara coming out the victor, having successfully ripped the crown from Conquest's head
  362. >Must be a first for the lad to have something of his taken instead
  363. >"Now to get rid of this piece of junk!"
  364. >"No!"
  365. >CLANG
  366. >...
  367. >Clang
  368. >Clang clang clang!
  369. >"What is wrong with this thing?!"
  370. >Conquest cringes with every hit of his precious crown on her desk
  371. >"There's no way such a cheap fake can be this sturdy!"
  372. >"CHEAP FAKE?! THAT'S TWENTY-FOUR KARAT GOLD!"
  373. >The class suddenly grows quiet
  374. >"Tw-Twenty four-"
  375. >She stares hard at the crown, assessing its worth for the first time
  376. >"B-But my daddy doesn't even allow me to wear real sil-silv-silverrrrhahaw!"
  377. >The filly bursts out into tears
  378. >What must be another first, Conquest seems to genuinely have trouble figuring out whether he's concerned more for his crown or the crying filly in front of him
  379. >By now the others have had enough
  380. >Death steps forward with a growl and a confident smirk on his face
  381. >"Enough! All of you listen up!"
  382. >The class turns back to pay attention to the new arrival
  383. >"My name is Death! And I am here to let you all know that I am the baddest motherf-"
  384. >He's cut off as a golden crown slams into his face from across the room
  385. >"Shut up! I hate all of you! Waaaaahaaahaaa!"
  386. >Diamond runs out of the classroom, her best lac- friend in tow
  387. >Conquest's dilemma stops just then as he dives for his crown
  388. >"It seems you are not to her liking either, brother."
  389. >"Not to her liking? Not to her liking?! She's insane! You can have her, War! I want nothing more to do with that daemon-succubus!"
  390. >It's around this moment Cheerilee decides to take notice of the going ons in her classroom just as Diamond Tiara runs out crying
  391. >"What happened? What did your boys just do?!" she glares at you
  392. >You give her the 'really, nigga?' face
  393. >One of the colts in the front row pipes up, Snips you think his name is
  394. >"He just totally outclassed her with his crown!"
  395. >The whole class erupts in a roar as the most thrilling soap opera they've ever witnessed rushes to catch up with their brains
  396. >"Was that all?" Cheerilee slumps in her seat
  397. >All the foals get up from their seats to crowd around Conquest, singing him praises
  398. >His earlier shaken up demeanor changes into one of arrogance as he lets the peons lavish him with compliments
  399. >Undeserved really, considering all he did was cry over his crown as the little rich brat self-destructed
  400. >Not to mention the surprise they'll be in when they find out he's just as bad as Tiara when it comes to not sharing
  401. >Death is thoroughly not amused with being ignored, or having his brother hog all the popularity
  402. >Famine finally decides to come out of his hiding spot as he realizes the conflict is over
  403. >"M-My name is Fami-"
  404. >He's bowled over as the students push and shove to get closer to Conquest
  405. >"Oww..."
  406. >You worry for that boy sometimes
  407. "Well then, it seems you have all your ducks in a row. I will just leave you to it, then."
  408. >"Wait, Dis-"
  409. "Ta-ta boys! Stay out of trouble, yes?"
  410. >With that you disappear in a poof of smoke with an ominous laugh that sends Cheerilee's hair on edge
  411. >Soon you will show Ponyville and all of Equestria just what a damn good father you can be
  412. >For now you will scheme up tasks for your sons to carry out in your stead
  413.  
  414. >Oh golly miss molly it's a pov change
  415. >You are War
  416. >No, no, you've got to do better than that
  417. >YOU ARE WAAAAAAR
  418. >Much better
  419. >It is recess
  420. >You cannot find the violent pink filly anywhere
  421. >No matter, you will have her
  422. >One day she will be yours and she will fight alongside you
  423. >You already know she understands the thrill of the fight
  424. >But you will show her much greater heights!
  425. >Looking around the playground you grimace
  426. >This will be your battlefield for the time being
  427. >However, a grin soon replaces it
  428. >Father is gone and you are left to your own devices
  429. >YOU WILL ENJOY THIS
  430. >Even though it will be over quickly
  431. "Brothers! Come, we are unhindered in our play! We shall lay siege to this playground and all shall despair!"
  432. >"No laying siege to my playground!" Conquest's voice grates on your ears
  433. "Already you have claimed it for your purposes, brother?"
  434. >"Well of course! Such prime real estate!"
  435. "Brother, are you not Conquest? Are you not Pest-"
  436. >"Don't call me that!"
  437. "Do you not tear down kingdoms as well as you conquer them?"
  438. >"Well yeah, but I like having my own kingdoms, too! Therefore I tear down who was there before me and rise up in their place myself!"
  439. >He says this as if it's the most obvious thing in the world
  440. >You scoff
  441. >He has no vision, stuck in his own little world, always vying for more power and wealth
  442. >Politics is a fool's game
  443. >"Come on, Conquest! We wanna play!"
  444. >"Yeah, the playground doesn't belong to you!"
  445. >Your fellow classmates share your scorn
  446. >A few still look at him with dreamy eyes
  447. >Blinded by false pedigree more like
  448. >"I beg to differ! As the one who beat Diamond Tiara fair and square all her assets now belong to me! Therefore the playground is mine and you are trespassing on my property! TAX! I demand you pay your taxes!"
  449. >The foals groan in frustration
  450. >"But you let Snips and Snails use the playground!"
  451. >"Why yes, my new minions serve me well. I reward them with that privilege."
  452. >This is boring
  453. >You wanna fight something
  454. >"However... I am not wholly unkind. Tell you what, I shall let you fight for the right to use the equipment."
  455. >This draws several confused murmurs and catches your attention
  456. >"War! If these commoners wish to use my land, they will have to fight you in honorable battle! The entertainment alone should cover my fee."
  457. >Fight? For Conquest? It would not be the first time, but you do not appreciate being his attack dog
  458. "Fine, but it shall be on my terms!"
  459. >Standing in front of the swings, you face the crowd
  460. "Come! Test your might against mine that I might sate this lust for battle!"
  461. >Inwardly you smirk as the first of the fools step up to the plate
  462.  
  463. >The bell rings
  464. >A class full of battered and bruised foals slump in their seats, groaning
  465. >Pathetic
  466. >After the first few went down you had had enough
  467. >With a mighty roar you commanded them to run laps with you that they might hone their bodies and steel their minds
  468. >At first you were met with resistance, but a blast from your horn taking out half the teeter-totter and melting the steel beams convinced them you were not to be trifled with
  469. >And so you beat the outer field a good thirty laps followed by around two hundred crunches
  470. >You will turn them into fine soldiers yet, worthy of your prowess!
  471. >Besides, what kind of a school doesn't have PE?
  472. >"Alright class! Time to get back to- my goodness! What happened to all of you?!"
  473. >A collective series of groans are all the response she gets
  474. >"What have I told you all about roughhousing? Now you've gone and tired yourselves out and scraped yourselves up. Well, perhaps snack time will perk you all up."
  475. >This catches the attention of the foals and raises a few broken spirits
  476. >"Today I brought juice and crackers-"
  477. >Cheerilee stares in shock through the opened door
  478. >Peering inside you spot brother Famine
  479. >You wondered where he wandered off to during recess
  480. >Turns out he was busy gorging himself on the snacks in the supply closet
  481. >He lets out a satisfied burp
  482. >"Oh dear. W-Well class, it seems as if we're going to have to skip snack time today. I've been cleaned out."
  483. >The chorus of dejected groans come back in force
  484. >You'd have recommended her a lock to put on the door were it not for the bent hook hanging from the wall
  485. >It seems there was one but Famine ate it
  486. >"I will allow this. Although they were all mine, my brothers get to share in my bounty."
  487. >How very generous of you, Conquest
  488.  
  489. >It is the end of school
  490. >Your classmates trudge on to their respective homes, tired and hungry
  491. >No matter, they will get used to the toil and fruitlessness of the new world order
  492. >One ruled by chaos and anarchy
  493. >You will see them ready for it!
  494. >As you congregate with your happy brothers, Death showing you all his collection of lizard tails he snatched from the poor creatures, a trio of fillies marches up to you
  495. >AN AMBUSH?!
  496. >"Hey ther- woah nelly!"
  497. "REEEEEEEE!"
  498. >You tackle the little yellow filly
  499. >Only to receive a buck for your troubles as you go sailing through the air and land in a tree
  500. >Your heart beats for the second time today
  501. >Truly, love is a battlefield
  502. >Be Famine
  503. >Be hungry
  504. >The snacks weren't enough
  505. >The padlock wasn't enough
  506. >The extra desks in back weren't enough
  507. >That filly with the glasses no one noticed went missing wasn't enough
  508. >It's never, ever enough
  509. >So hungry
  510. >What's this? New faces? New friends? New food?
  511. >You watch as your brother goes flying
  512. >He should be called the Red Baron, hehe
  513. >War enjoyed that he had a headcannon thingy to vanquish his foes with, but complained he could not drop bombs on his enemies without wings
  514. >That was Conquest's and Death's thing, they had wings
  515. >You were an Earth pony
  516. >No special, awkward body parts
  517. >It's okay, you don't mind
  518. >You probably would have just eaten them anyway
  519. >Oh right, new friends!
  520. >"Gosh darn it! What in the hay was his problem?"
  521. >The yellow one with the big red bow in her hair dusts herself off and gets back to her hooves
  522. >"Probably thought you were the enemy."
  523. >Death shouts to the trees
  524. >"It's okay, War! It's over! You can come home now!"
  525. >"Ya'll are a weird bunch."
  526. >Weird? Are you weird?
  527. >You don't think so
  528. >She's the one that talks weird
  529. >What's a yawl? Is it tasty?
  530. >"Nah, they're just new to Ponyville! I bet they're just not used to how things work around here."
  531. >That one's squeaky
  532. >She looks like a marshmallow
  533. >You want to eat her
  534. >"What kind of place would they come from where they attack ponies they just met?"
  535. >There's an orange one on a scooter
  536. >Her wings are very tiny
  537. >You don't think she can fly with those
  538. >You wonder if she'll let you eat them
  539. >She's not using them after all
  540. >"Don't worry about it, that's just our dear brother's way of saying hello. May we help you?"
  541. >May you?
  542. >Maybe they need help with cooking
  543. >You know 37 different recipes
  544. >You're gunning for those wings, baby
  545. >"We were just wondering how ya'll got yer cutie marks and what they meant!"
  546. >Cutie mark? Easter chocolate?
  547. >That's what the hyoomens were celebrating when you all came from the sky with your previous masters
  548. >Funny, you don't remember them too well
  549. >You wonder how they're doing
  550. >They were all bones, they need to eat better
  551. >"Cutie marks? Those things on our flanks?"
  552. >"Ahuh. What, you don't know what a cutie mark is?"
  553. >"I most certainly do. Father explained them to us. They represent our special talents, yes?"
  554. >Oh, you have one of those!
  555. >Your special talent is eating!
  556. >Or starving
  557. >Can't remember which
  558. >Too hungry
  559. >"Obviously mine represents my namesake! Conquest! I have laid to waste many kingdoms and taken from them everything!"
  560. >The girls look at each other skeptically
  561. >"We find that rather hard to believe. You've conquered kingdoms? You sure Diamond didn't punch you too hard?"
  562. >"Hmph! Like I'd expect plebeians like you to understand my greatness!"
  563. >"Yer not gonna try to conquer Canterlot, are ya?"
  564. >"Canterlot?"
  565. >"Yeah, the castle on the mountain! That's where our princesses are. Well, two of them anyway."
  566. >"Hmm. Brothers, I think we will need to plan a field trip."
  567. >The girls now seem nervous
  568. >"Never mind that, eheh, what about you? Ain't seen many batponies 'round these parts."
  569. >"Can't you tell by the skull and crossbones, or do you not play under the sink when your parents aren't looking?"
  570. >"Uh-"
  571. >"Death! My special talent is death itself!"
  572. >"That doesn't sound like a talent."
  573. >"You don't sound like a talent!"
  574. >"Beg yer pardon?"
  575. >"Hey, what about you? You've been rather silent this whole ti- why are you gnawing on your hoof?"
  576. >Mmph?
  577. >Were you spacing out again?
  578. >Oh dear, you almost ate one of your limbs again
  579. >That's no good, you need those to bring you to where the food is!
  580. >"Yeah, please tell me whatever that thing is it has some cool meaning behind it?"
  581. >Your scale?
  582. >Why would they want to know about that?
  583. >Perhaps they wanted to know the health of their crops
  584. >The yellow one smelled like apples
  585. >"Don't bother talking to him, he's brain dead."
  586. >"Now that ain't a very nice thing to say."
  587. >"Seriously, I think he ate it a long time ago, along with most of his spine."
  588. >"Well I'd like to ask him anyway. Famine, right?"
  589. >What?
  590. >You-
  591. >You are being allowed to speak?
  592. >That's not a thing that happens
  593. >That never happens!
  594. >She's looking at you expectantly
  595. >She's smiling at you! No one is ever happy to see you!
  596. >Quickly, you must say something!
  597. >You take a breath, ready to say something
  598. >Stifling your voice, you look to your brothers
  599. >They are disinterested
  600. >They're not going to stop you?
  601. >You will speak!
  602. "My cutie mark represents the scales upon which crops are weighed, but they are not tuned correctly. For every ounce of grain a pound is added, for every loaf of bread an arm and a leg. That which you sow and reap in your fields shall fall to me, Famine, that which destroys your livelihood and leaves you wanting. The crops shall whither in the hot suns and the locusts and plagues shall strip bare the fruits of your labor. The well shall run dry and the livestock shall perish. Yea, soon will ye fall into despair, shall ye hunger. You will know the suffering of stomach and the protrusion of ribs. You will know the loyalty of brothers as you fight for scraps. And as ye fall unto despair for that which you lack, will you be beset on all sides by those who care not for your plight. Yea, shall war push you aside, claim your brothers, claim your lives and steal your scraps. Yea, shall pestilence make fall your kingdoms and turn blind eye to your ordeals, leaders fat on their own decadence, for I touch not the oils or the wines and they are blinded by their greed. Yea, shall death come for you as it does for all. You are the citizen, you do not eat. You are the citizen, you have no say. You are the citizen, your purpose to serve. You are the citizen, your fate is to die."
  603. >The girls stare at you, disturbed and a little shaken as you scratch behind your ear like a dog
  604. >What? What did you say?
  605. >"See? What'd I tell you? He's an idiot." Death cleans out his ear with a hoof
  606. >"And I told you not to call me that! For the last time, I am Conquest you impudent cur!"
  607. >Once again you are shoved into the dirt
  608. >You're used to it
  609. >Talking is tiring anyway
  610. >"G-Girls, I think we'd better head home before it gets late."
  611. >"Y-Yeah, I need to help Rarity with some of her dresses."
  612. >"Pssh, what a waste of time. We didn't even get to see the last guy's mark either."
  613. >The fillies all go scampering off
  614. >Well, that was a thing
  615.  
  616. >Be Death
  617. >"Kill. Kill. KILL. KILL! KIIIIIILLLLL!"
  618. "Yes little black dog, I hear and obey."
  619.  
  620. >Be Conquest
  621. >Your brother is insane
  622. >Your other brother is stuck in a tree
  623. >And the one you hesitate to call brother is napping in the filth where he belongs
  624. >What is taking father so long?
  625. >Oh goodness, how rude of you
  626. >That wasn't a proper introduction at all, now was it?
  627. >Be the fabulous and well-respected Conquistador del Apocalipsis!
  628. >Most handsome colt and ruler of the free world with a smile that makes the fillies weak in the knees
  629. >Yes, that's you alright
  630. >And father is taking far too long picking you up from school
  631. >You have homework to do, things to conquer!
  632. >He better not be off gallivanting with that yellow one
  633. >You swear, you are surrounded by buffoons
  634. >With a pop and woosh, father reappears before you
  635. >Finally
  636. >"Gooooood day boys! How was your first day of school?"
  637. "Absolutely dreadful! The playground will not be enough for my kingdom, I will require the rest of the town as well."
  638. >Discord looks over at the smoking crater that was the teeter-totter and smacks a claw to his face
  639. >"I see you've been busy acquainting yourselves with the rest of the foals. Anything I need to be worried about?"
  640. >"Nah, we got it handled pops."
  641. >"Where is War?"
  642. "In that tree over yonder."
  643. >But not much longer as he is deposited next to you
  644. >"War? How are you feeling?"
  645. >"Like a son of chaos, torn between two fillies. Alas, my heart is softer than my head."
  646. >"Is that a bad thing?"
  647. >"She should only sing for the battlefield, now she sings for another."
  648. >"Ah yes, young love. How very droll."
  649. "Yes yes, that's all very well and good, but can we go home now? I have plans for conquest!"
  650. >"Oh my, sounds fun! I have some plans of my own to share with you boys!"
  651. >Before he can snap his talon however, a banshee's wail rings across the open fields
  652. >"DIIIIIIIIISSSSCCCOOOOOORRRRDDD!"
  653. >"Oh my, how did she get out?"
  654.  
  655. >Be Discord
  656. >Be staring at a very angry, very filthy purple pony princess
  657. >She pants as her bloodshot eyes stare angrily into your own, coat muddied, wet and stinking
  658. >"Do you have ANY idea the kind of torment you put me through?!"
  659. "Why Twilight, I have no idea what you're talking about!"
  660. >"Can it, Discord! You- You and those little hellions of yours! You locked me in that sewer drainage alcove for days! DAYS!"
  661. >The boys all snicker at her predicament
  662. >What little rascals
  663. >Her eye twitches in anger
  664. "Oh my, I'm sorry you went through such an ordeal! I on the other hand, have good news! The boys have just finished their first day of school and already are making friends. I'm becoming a better father already! Isn't that grand?!"
  665. >Her body spasms before she screams
  666. >"**** THOSE BOYS, YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED JACK-****!"
  667. >You all gasp in surprise
  668. >It's a good thing your censors caught that before the boys could hear it!
  669. "Twilight! You're in the presence of children!"
  670. >"I don't care about the Tartarus-spawned children! You're not a father! You're not a friend! You. Are. IRREDEEMABLE!"
  671. "Goodness, that's a bit harsh, don't you think?"
  672. >Her eyes dart off into different directions as she begins to cackle madly
  673. >"I'll have you turned back to stone! I'll have you banished to the moon! I'll have the moon banished to Tartarus and Tartarus banished to another dimension!!"
  674. >"You mean like ours?"
  675. >"I knew you weren't even Equestrian! WHAT ARE YOU?!"
  676. >"I am War."
  677. >Her horn begins to charge with a worryingly deep hum
  678. >You lick your paw and fizzle it out
  679. "I think that's enough out of you, young lady. I believe you're well overdue for another time-out. Sit in your shit-pit and think about what you've done."
  680. >"W-Wait, Discord I take it back, I-!"
  681. >And with that, she's gone again
  682. >My my my my my my my!
  683. >What an ordeal!
  684. >You just need a few more days and the boys will be presentable
  685. >Sit tight Twilight, it's going to be a bumpy ride

ErroneousDraconequus(2017): Acutecalypse 1: (Here come the Horses)

by dadonequus_archives

ErroneousDraconequus(2017): Acutecalypse 2: (Friends from the[...]

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