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ErroneousDraconequus(2017): Acutecalypse 2: (Friends from the Heavens)

By dadonequus_archives
Created: 2021-05-13 18:06:09
Expiry: Never
/dad/

  1. >"So what you're saying is, you WANT us to prank your friends?"
  2. >Death spittles food all over the dining table
  3. >Tonight you were having beefaroni and sweat sock casserole for dinner
  4. >Yours had extra sweat socks of course, but these picky little eaters complained they were too chewy or too stinky
  5. >There are starving hatchlings in Giffonstone that would love to have those socks!
  6. "Oh no no my lad, I merely want you to act like you have been up 'til now. Just remember your Ps and Qs and cause mischief in the name of colthood."
  7. >Famine inhales all the socks his brothers were picking out of their meal
  8. >Well at least Old Granny Discord won't be turning over in her grave tonight
  9. >"So just do what we do anyway?" War points out
  10. "Yes, but be unfailingly polite while you're causing brain meltdowns."
  11. >"Like telemarketers!"
  12. "That's my boy!"
  13. >You drop a dead fish on Death's plate as a reward and he immediately begins chewing at the carcass
  14. "I would tell you to act out and make it believable, but you're so good at doing that anyway, it's why I let you have free reign!"
  15. >"And we would not have it any other way, father. The wheels of Conquest can be held back by no man or beast!"
  16. "That's good to hear but please but the pan back on the table. I don't even know what you'd do with all that casserole and I'd rather not find it under the rug, it's where I keep my nasty broccoli."
  17. >An ominous rattle hits the table as a fresh plate of steamed greens taunts you from its resting place
  18. >The boys all recoil in disgust
  19. >Death's face goes from joy to dread and back again, repeating this process for a few moments
  20. >"I can't decide whether to kill it with fire or revel in the bitter darkness that stems from its very being."
  21. >"I wish to punch this fiend."
  22. >"War, no, I wouldn't even allow it to touch my hooves!"
  23. >Famine reaches across the table with an open mouth
  24. >You all stare at him
  25. "You wouldn't."
  26. >He looks at the plate again and sighs
  27. >"No, even I'm not THAT hungry."
  28. >With an understanding made, you all reach out to the offending side dish and throw your respective pieces across the room, sharing in a chuckle as you do
  29. "Alright boys, let's call it a night. We have to get up bright and early tomorrow to introduce you to the rest of the gang. I'm sure Fluttershy has told them all about you by now."
  30. >"Nothing good I hope."
  31. "Au contraire, as I said what we need now is a good impression of your manners. That can attributed to me, of course. You're already in Cheerilee's good graces, inattentive as she is. Thank you for that, by the way. I can't imagine how boring class must have been to sit through."
  32. >"Eh, we learned something about Yakyakistan. They sound like a bunch of fools."
  33. >"I disagree! Why shouldn't they strive for the pinnacle of perfection? Besides, it leaves less work for me when I come by to conquer them all later."
  34. >"They sound like mighty warriors. I would have them for my ranks or bleed them dry upon the battlefield!"
  35. >"They look like big meatballs. Do Yaks taste good?"
  36. "They're very loud."
  37. >"Loud isn't a flavor."
  38. "It is for me. Now chop chop, off to bed with you all."
  39. >With a little grumbling the boys all get down from their seats
  40. "And don't forget to put the dishes away."
  41. >They smirk and toss their plates to the ground
  42. >The hardwood flooring twists and churns as it sucks in the dirty dishes
  43. >In the bathroom, they all line up in front of the mirror and begin brushing their teeth
  44. >All except for Death, who's using his rotten breath to fog up the mirror so he can draw morbid pictures in the steam
  45. >Conquest pockets Famine's brush, then shiftily eyes the pill cabinet
  46. >War for all his strength can't get the toothpaste to squeeze out
  47. >When he looks down the tube, it chooses then to squirt him in the eye
  48. >He roars and hits the tube, causing it to flip and get caught in Famine's throat
  49. >Famine gags and starts chugging down the contents
  50. >Tylenol, Benadryl, Flunitrazepam, Beta-Allowers? This causes heart attacks?
  51. >Conquest pockets these and the spool of floss that hits his head
  52. >War screams as the offending string gets caught in his teeth
  53. >Famine lets out a belch strong enough to knock them all off the sink
  54. >The bathroom now smells minty fresh
  55. >Heading off to the bedroom, the boys enter their respective beds
  56. >War still struggling as the floss has tied up his hooves while the others fight over the pillows Conquest pilfered, ending with Famine being smacked in the face
  57. >Entering the room, you curl up in the center
  58. "Now, who wants a bedtime story?"
  59. >Four snuggly little miscreants look up at you with big eyes from the sheets
  60. >It's adorable and it's giving you heartburn
  61. >If only you knew where you put those pills so you could turn that damnable organ off for a while
  62. "This one is called the Ugly Barnacle. Once upon a time there was a very ugly barnacle. It was very purple, it smelled like butt and it loved books."
  63. >"Sounds stupid."
  64.  
  65. >The next morning finds you and the boys strolling through town
  66. >It takes a while, as you had to make a few pit stops along the way
  67. >Conquest wanted to take over city hall
  68. >The mayor was not very happy as War began pelting her mane with flaming arrows
  69. >Then you had to pull Famine away from Lily's garden as he was inhaling all the flowers, just not through his nose like a normal pony would
  70. >You left the scene of the crime to coordinated screams of "The Horror!"
  71. >Fluttershy was worried about your influence on the boys, so you had already made arrangements to drop them off for baby-sitting for the weekend
  72. >The remaining girls would each take turns watching over one of the brats and assessing their upbringing
  73. >It all fell nicely into your plans as you wanted the girls to vouch for your parenting skills and make you look like a little angel born anew, singing praises to friendship and rainbows and smiley faces and all that other crap
  74. >And making Twilight look line a loon in front of them was just icing on the cake
  75. >The nerve of her, giving you that giant legal book to read through and expecting a report and presentation on it
  76. >What are you, her faithful student? Pah!
  77. >Then she wouldn't stop bugging you about it everywhere you went
  78. >[Are you done with that report yet, Discord? What did you learn today, Discord? I hope you've been studying hard, Discord. Have you done your homework? I'd like to check your progress to make sure you understand the material]
  79. >She was worse than Pinkie!
  80. >Well you certainly gave her a "presentation" alright, one she'll never forget
  81. >You won't let her
  82. >Even though your claws may be tied now, it would be nice to get a golden star of approval from her 'betters' so it would be easier to wreak second-hand chaos through your minions, just like the old days when you were too busy lounging around to do it yourself
  83. >Your throne doesn't look quite as nice in the study as it did on that checkered hill
  84. >Cutting your musings short, a giant confectionery eyesore makes its way into your peripheral
  85. >Ah yes, your first destination
  86. >You'll just drop the boys off and be on your way
  87. >Fluttershy, poor dear, after her recent trauma with meeting the little ones needed some much deserved R&R and you were planning to deliver
  88. >But why settle for a simple spa treatment when you can do her one better?
  89. >Some pampering in the rich mud baths of Boardor followed by a relaxing dip in the natural hot springs of Neighpon, sightseeing in Equadoe, high class cuisine in Prance and then you'd visit the North Pone to watch an aurora borealis light show
  90. >Very romantic
  91. >But not a date, certainly not
  92. >Oh no no no no no
  93. >Shut up
  94. >The jingle of a bell signifies your arrival
  95. >Sugarcube Corner
  96. >Town bakery and toursim hotspot in Ponyville
  97. >This place really didn't have a lot going for it
  98. >Sure, ponies came by to get a look at the castle
  99. >But once they realized it was just a glorified rock, they either went to the spa or came here for lunch
  100. >The building in question already looked like a giant mishmash of sugary treats
  101. >What it represented on the outside however could not properly convey the treasures it held inside
  102. >Rows of cakes lined the shelves of the back wall in all conceivable flavors and styles
  103. >Some inconceivable but since they twist the perceptions of the mind, you'll not elaborate on those further
  104. >A glass counter revealed its delicious contents for all to see and be entranced by
  105. >Cinnamon buns dripping thickly with a pristine white glaze, still steaming cherry pies teasing a sneak peek at their fruity insides just so, mouth-watering cupcakes heavy with frosting and covered in rainbow sprinkles, freshly baked cookies with chocolate chips melting ever so slightly as to send tingles up the spine with pure imagination of their taste, scones and donuts and muffins and fritters and any and all kinds of baked goods lining the racks - OH MY!
  106. >The smell alone was enough to send somepony into cardiac arrest
  107. >To step inside the bakery was to step into a miniature paradise all on its own
  108. >Such sights, such smells, such wonders!
  109. >How ever could one cope with the sensory overload?
  110.  
  111. >Be Famine
  112. >AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  113.  
  114. >Be daddy-o again
  115. >"Weeeeeelcome to Sugarcube Corner! Home of the tastiest tongue-tantalizingest treats this side of the Trottingham tundra!"
  116. "Trottingham isn't a tundra, Pinkie. But thanks for the idea, they need some use for those fur coats."
  117. >"No problemo! So I'm guessing these are the little buggers I've heard so much about?"
  118. >She rests her head on her hooves and gives them a cursory once-over
  119. "Indeed they are."
  120. >Although War and Death don't seem too interested, Conquest is surveying the area with a critical eye, no doubt already planning to lay claim to the establishment
  121. >And Famine is... Oh dear
  122. >The boy is drooling, eyes glazed over like a veteran caught in the throes of PTSD
  123. >You think he's even starting to seize out
  124. >He rushes up to the counter with wide eyes
  125. >This is it, his promised land, his 72 virgin chocolate delights
  126. >"Awawawawa... U-Unf!"
  127. >"Hehee, I think this little guy is hungry!"
  128. >Pinkie picks him up by the pits and rubs noses with him
  129. >His eyes never leave the shelf behind her as he begins chewing on her mane
  130. >"Aww, I think he likes me!"
  131. >Careful, or he'll eat through you to get to that cake
  132. "Well then, since it seems this one has already bonded to you so quickly, I suppose I'll leave him in your care for the time being."
  133. >"What about the others?"
  134. "Pinkie, we've been through this already. You all have businesses to take care of and work to be done. You can't handle four colts and the shop at the same time. One-on-one time seemed like the better option."
  135. >"Oh right! Hmmm..." she rubs her chin suspiciously "Are you sure it's not just because you're trying to keep them apart so they're less likely to cause trouble and make you look bad?"
  136. >Maybe
  137. "Heavens no! I would never dream of it!"
  138. >That's a lie
  139. >You even cross your talons behind your back it's so obvious
  140. "Even the seamstress agreed to it."
  141. >"Rarity."
  142. "Pardon?"
  143. >"Her name is Rarity!"
  144. "Hm, oh yes. Must not be much of one if I can't even recall that much about her."
  145. >"That's not a very nice thing to say, Discord."
  146. "Oh goodness, how rude of me. I hereby repent in the name of friendship and all that jazz."
  147. >She gives you a skeptical frown
  148. "If it makes you feel any better, I'll um... wear a wristband or some such to keep track of your names. You all look the same to me, after all."
  149. >"That's racist!"
  150. "Oh calm down, I'm only poking fun at the designers."
  151. >"Now you're being meta. That's my thing. Why are you being such a meanie today?"
  152. "Fine, fine! Sheesh! Give a guy a break why don't you? So, is everything copacetic here? We cool?"
  153. >"I dunnoooookay!"
  154. >That was quick
  155. >She spins the little glutton around
  156. >"You and I are going to have so much fun! Um-"
  157. "Famine."
  158. >"Fammy-wammy!"
  159. >Ugh, her and her nicknames
  160. "Well then I'll not intrude on this little bonding moment any longer. Ta-ta for now!"
  161. >The door slams shut and the bells rattle
  162.  
  163. >Up next, Carousel Boutique
  164. >The original garish children's toy!
  165. >Or Twilight's Castle Lite™
  166. >Yay dresses
  167. >That's enough of that
  168. >Knock-a-knock-knock, ring-a-ding-ding, here comes the co-
  169. >"Good morning and welcome to- oh, Discord! How... delightful to see you. I suppose you're here to drop off, em, yes. Hello there."
  170. >She looks down at the boys nervously
  171. >Whether afraid of them or for them, you're not quite sure
  172. "Why hello theeeeerrre..." oh damn, you've forgotten already
  173. >You roll up your fur like a sleeve
  174. "Twinkleshine!"
  175. >"RARITY."
  176. "Rarity! How very good to see you!"
  177. >She huffs, clearly annoyed
  178. >Wonder what crawled up her boudoir and died
  179. >"Hmph, yes. It should be. So I assume these are the little 'darlings' we're to care for while you're away?"
  180. "Nice and fresh and in the flesh!"
  181. >You hope the boys can get into her good graces like only you can't
  182. >This one will probably be the hardest to please
  183. >Rather than disinterested this time, War and Death actually gag at the interior of the boutique
  184. >Too frilly for them perhaps
  185. >Conquest seems to have a sparkle in his eye as the various gems and golden stitching shimmer in the light
  186. >That takes care of that then
  187. >He was already your best bet for the uptight mare
  188. >First impressions last the longest, as they say
  189. >She's already admiring his crown, too
  190. >"Well then, I suppose I shall take one off your hooves and get this day over with as quickly as possible."
  191. >Conquest trots up without hesitation
  192. >"I request to settle in here first. A high class lady such as this is more to my tastes. A pleasure to make your acquaintance on this lovely day, mad'am." he bows arrogantly
  193. >"Oh my, such a little gentlecolt. I do believe we are going to have a splendid time together."
  194. >"As do I. A radiant beauty such as yourself deserves no less than the best. And I am the best~" he flashes a grin
  195. >"Ohohoho my, radiant beauty he says! Ahem, yes, please do come in."
  196. >He canters in looking for all the world like he already owns the place
  197. >That may just be the case soon
  198. >She smiles as she ushers him in, then turns back to you with a sterner expression
  199. >"As for you, I do hope you plan on treating Fluttershy well on this little excursion of yours?"
  200. "Oh absolutely. No worries there at all!"
  201. >"Good. I look forward to hearing all about it."
  202. "Oh, it will be magnifi-"
  203. >"Good day."
  204. >With that she closes the door in your face
  205. >...
  206. >Next destination, Rainbow Dash!
  207.  
  208. >Well she doesn't seem to be at home
  209. >Must mean she's on an overhanging cloud somewhere
  210. >How very troublesome
  211. "Rainbow Dash! Oh Rainboooow Daaaash!"
  212. >Now where could that pegasus be?
  213. >You told her you'd be meeting her here this morning!
  214. >Taking to the air, you start surveying the skies
  215. >Eenie, meenie, miny- ah, there you go
  216. >Sleeping on the job again, as usual
  217. >Flying up to the snoozing bluefast you contemplate on how best to wake her up
  218. >Nothing beats the classics
  219. >Pushing your talon to her snootle, you begin pushing her through the cloud layer ever so gently
  220. >Eventually she breaks past it and falls to the ground below with a thud
  221. >"Wha?! Huh?! Where?! Who?!"
  222. "When, why and how!"
  223. >You pop up behind her with an air horn and startle her skywards again, passing through the cloud a second time and landing on a whoopee cushion that sends bits of cloud spraying into the atmosphere
  224. >An offended mother and her foal glare and trot quickly away from the flatulating pegasus
  225. "Oh Raaaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnboooooowww!"
  226. >"Gah! Okay, okay! I get it, I get it! Sheesh! I'm sorry for napping!"
  227. "It's morning, you dolt. Who takes a nap right after waking up?"
  228. >"I'm sorry, okay?! I had a long night!"
  229. "I don't want to hear about the time you spend with your dirty magazines."
  230. >She blushes hotly and hides her head in the cloud
  231. >"Shhhh! Will you not say that so loud?! I've got a reputation to maintain!" she hisses
  232. "As if you could maintain that fragile facade for more than a day at a time. That rash of yours has had more longevity-"
  233. >"Stop! Stop! Stooooop!" she nearly falls out of her cloud again as she bats her hooves at the fluff, sending little electrical currents arcing off of it
  234. >"What do I gotta do to make you shut up?!"
  235. >You want to make a snarky comment about the same thing she has to do to get a drink around here, but it's a bit too human for your tastes
  236. >Also, ewww
  237. "Just get down there and pick a brat so I can go on my da- I mean outing with Fluttershy already."
  238. >"Ugh, fine! I was already planning to ya big jerk!"
  239. >With that she descends to find the remaining boys waiting for her
  240. >Death is smirking at her misfortune, War is just glaring silently at the sky
  241. >Probably still salty you didn't make him an all powerful alicorn war machine
  242. >"Soooo, 'sup guys?"
  243. >"Nothin' but the sky, dweeb!"
  244. >"Heh, eh, good one kid."
  245. >She looks at War, who is still burning holes into the ozone layer with his eyes and scratches her head in obvious discomfort
  246. >"Right. Uh, how we gonna do this? Flip a coin?"
  247. >"Heads ya win, tails ya die!"
  248. >"Uh, what?"
  249. "He's been watching too many action movies, ignore him."
  250. >"Right. Alright, I gotta ask. What's this little dude's deal?" she gestures at War "He's creeping me out."
  251. >"I wish to bring glorious battle to the skies."
  252. >"Battle?"
  253. >"For too long have they been swept by the wings of Conquest. I wish to experience all planes on which my trade prospers! Let my wrath burn from the heavens as well as the lands and seas, as it was meant to be! I must be victorious, no matter what!"
  254. >Oh great, did he want to become a seapony now too?
  255. >"Ohhhh, you mean like a challenge? Tough luck kid, can't be awesome without wings and it sounds like your brother's got the one-up on you."
  256. >"He is no challenge! None are a challenge to me! Wings or no I will strike my enemies down all the same!"
  257. >"Wohohoah! Sounds like sompony's got a big opinion of themselves! Reminds me of a certain earth pony farmer who thinks she can best me on the ground despite me being the clearly better athlete."
  258. >He gives her a once over and scoffs
  259. >"You are puny. I will wipe the floor with you, rainbow one."
  260. >"Hah! As if, kid! Just stick to playing in the dirt, you can't possibly take me on."
  261. >"Do you want to bet?"
  262. >"Nah, I wouldn't take candy from a baby. I'm curious about your bro though. Interested to see what a bat pony can do."
  263. >Fire burns in War's eyes as he bares his teeth and snarls
  264. >"I AM NO BABY!"
  265. >"Ya sure? Looks like you're acting like one!"
  266. >"THAT'S IT! I CHALLENGE YOU! YOUR HONOR AGAINST MINE!"
  267. >"I already told you, ya ain't got a chance in Tartarus, kid."
  268. >"Are you chicken?"
  269. >That stops her smug in its tracks
  270. >"I'm sorry, what did you just call me?"
  271. >"Chicken!"
  272. >"Nopony calls me chicken! Take that back!"
  273. >He starts making loud clucking noises
  274. >This only annoys her more
  275. >"Stop that! I'm warning you kid!"
  276. >"BUCKAW!"
  277. >"That does it! You wanna go down so badly?! You're on! Just don't go crying your little baby eyes out when you lose!"
  278. >"It will be you who loses this day!"
  279. >The two of them smush noses together, glaring in each other's eyes
  280. >Meanwhile you and Death just give each other a bemused glance, you tapping your claws together in consternation
  281. "Right. I suppose that's settled, then. Have fun you two. Don't... eh, don't go destroying the town or anything."
  282. >They ignore you, too caught up in their pissing contest to care
  283. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
  284. >"Yeah, yeah! Just go already!"
  285. >"I will make short work of this walking sorbet, don't you worry, father!"
  286. "Okaaaay. You get right on that. Buh-bye!"
  287.  
  288. >Phew
  289. >That leaves just one more place on your list to visit
  290. >Sweet Apple Acres
  291. "Guess you're last, bucko."
  292. >"Best for last!"
  293. "No, no. Just last."
  294. >Death gives you a silent glare
  295. "Guess no one loves you."
  296. >"Those who court Death are often betrayed."
  297. "Sounds like you have commitment issues."
  298. >"My commitment is unwavering. It cannot be questioned!"
  299. "Then you're very clingy."
  300. >"Like flies on a corpse!"
  301. "Can you be less morbid for like, five minutes?"
  302. >"Death is always morbid."
  303. >You're getting nowhere with this lad
  304. >Making your way up the path, you arrive shortly in front of the barn
  305. >Cheeseburger is out front hoeing, plowing the field and sowing his seeds, reaping the land as it offers no resistance
  306. >Off to the left you spot the old bag resting on its porch
  307. >Right next to Granny Smith, snoozing away in her rocking chair
  308. >Death is giving her an uncomfortably odd look
  309. >Ushering him along, you approach the front door and give it a solid knocking
  310. >The top hatch opens in short order
  311. >"Discord."
  312. "Applehat!"
  313. >"That's AppleJACK ya varmint."
  314. >She looks down to spot Death by your side
  315. >"Ah'm guessin' this is one of the poor foals ya kidnapped?"
  316. "Kidnapped? Why Applejack, I'm astonished you would suggest such a thing!"
  317. >"Zip it. There's no way anypony would let you adopt a foal, let alone four of them."
  318. >She comes fully out of the barn
  319. >"Ya okay, lil' fella? He treating you good?"
  320. >Well, she just gets right to the point, doesn't she?
  321. >"Eh, I get fed. Got a bed and a roof over my head. I can't complain."
  322. >Gee, thanks
  323. >"Blunt, huh? I like that. Think you and I are gonna get along real fine."
  324. >My, this is a bit more sobering a visit than the others
  325. >She acts like you're beating them!
  326. >Which isn't the case, certainly not!
  327. >Just a smack in the back of the head here and there
  328. >You know, parenting!
  329. >"If it's okay with you, could ya tell me what happened to yer folks?"
  330. >"I don't really remember my parents, if that's what you're asking. Or even if I had any. My owner was the only thing I really had that was close to a father before dad here came along."
  331. >"Owner? What do you mean by that?"
  332. >"Well, I mean I was the steed for one of the four apocalyptic hosemen. I really only existed to carry him to his destination and help him achieve his goals."
  333. >While most of that goes over her head, she seems to have stuck to one thing
  334. >"You... You were a slave?"
  335. >"Kinda? Sorta? Not really. He wasn't exactly abusive. I mean yeah, I had to do what he said, and sometimes he'd try to kill me for the fun of it - it's what we do, but he'd ignore me most of the time otherwise."
  336. >Her eyes get watery as shock gets the better of her, but it slowly turns to rage
  337. >"You poor thing! Where is this no good, rotten 'owner' of yours now?!"
  338. >He chuckles
  339. >"Ah, when dad here came to take us back with him, he knocked old skeletor off my back and let him fall to the ground below. Must have been a good, I don't know, 20,000 feet- er, hooves high?"
  340. >This shocks her further still as she whips her head towards you
  341. >"Ya killed him?!"
  342. >"Nah, nah! He was already undead, so what's one more to the eternity of scars, yeah? I'm sure he's fine and cursing up a storm that he lost his horse."
  343. >"Now don't ya talk that way about yerself. I'm just glad yer here now and safe from that horrible pony."
  344. >"Well actually he's-"
  345. >That's enough of that
  346. "Weeeellll Applejack, there you have it! Not as sinister as you'd believed I was, am I?"
  347. >She looks up at you and squares her shoulders, standing straight
  348. >After a moment of seemingly staring into your soul, she gives an approving nod
  349. >"Ya did good, Discord. I'm surprised to say it, but you did something nice for somepony other than yerself for once. I'm glad, really."
  350. >Yessss! Score one for the home team! Woot woot!
  351. >"But that's enough of this depressin' talk. Ya got that date to go on-"
  352. "It's not a date!"
  353. >"-and I got to get this colt settled in. Want to make sure he's got a nice day ahead of him."
  354. >She just ignored you!
  355. >Turning back, she gives him a wink
  356. >"On behalf of Ponyville, I wanna give ya a warm Apple family welcome, just so you know you're never alone. I hope you come to like here in our little slice of paradise and can live a happy and fulfilling life as any pony is meant to do."
  357. >His ears splay back as she pats him on the head
  358. >You can almost hear the gears in his old mind turning as he takes that all in
  359. >Is... is that a tear?
  360. >Applejack wipes at her own eyes as she shakes off the mood
  361. >"Whewhee! That's enough of that. Let's get you inside. Bet ya haven't had lunch yet, huh? Well I got a fresh pie just came out the oven ready and waiting to be eaten. Come along now, 'fore it gets cold!"
  362. >She walks back inside without another word to you, leaving you and the boy alone
  363. >You stare at him appraisingly
  364. "Well?"
  365. >"Well what?"
  366. "Why can't you speak normally to me like that when we're having a conversation?! None of the edge and smarmy attitude! None of the horrid imagery! Why her and not me, or other ponies for that matter?!"
  367. >He tilts his head and gives you a blank look
  368. "Well?!"
  369. >"It's because I can smell it on her."
  370. "What are you talking about?"
  371. >"I can smell the taint of death. I can smell the ache of loss."
  372. >This is new, you didn't know he could sense those things
  373. >"It's not like when we bring about the end. Not abundant like the effects of war, not crushing like a kingdom felled, nor suffered like a populace starved. It's small, but it's there. Genuine and hurt."
  374. >This boy baffles you all the more
  375. >It's hard to cope with the fact they were once so much more than the colts you turned them into
  376. >Every now and then though, they remind you
  377. >"She is wrong though."
  378. "Oh? About?"
  379. >"In death, we are always alone."
  380. >With that, he turns and walks into the house, leaving you alone
  381. >Well then
  382. >That
  383. >That...
  384. >Well that just sucked all the fun out of the room!
  385. >You take it back! Morbid as always, the little runt!
  386. >Throwing your arms in the air, you trounce off utterly deflated
  387. "Ohhhh I hope Fluttershy enjoys this trip. I don't think I want to ruminate on any more of this mortality business. I've not had to reflect this deeply on it for a thousand years!"
  388. >With a grunt, you snap your fingers and pop out of existence
  389. >What a way to end a field trip
  390.  
  391. >You are Famine
  392. >Today you will remind them
  393. >Even though they'll probably just forget again
  394. >It happens
  395. >But that's not important right now
  396. >You're not important
  397. >That's not self-deprecation, though you're good at that too
  398. >No, what's important is what you're going to do
  399. >And what you're going to do
  400. >Is eat those cakes
  401. >Mmm, caaaaaaakes
  402. >However you find yourself being held aloft by the pink one
  403. >Such a predicament
  404. >Why does she keep you from your goal?
  405. >Could it be?
  406. >Were you made to suffer the same fate as Tantalus?
  407. >To forever be chained just outside the reach of food and water?
  408. >Surely, this world isn't that cruel!
  409. >Pink one, why?
  410. >"I'm Pinkie Pie! You and I are gonna have a blast today!"
  411. >Pinkie... Pie?
  412. >Is she edible?
  413. >Her mane did taste like cotton candy
  414. >"So what'cha wanna do first? Ooh, ooh! Did you have breakfast yet? Discord does feed you, doesn't he? You look a little malnourished."
  415. >She shows concern for your well being?
  416. >This is new
  417. >You nod slowly
  418. >Breakfast this morning was pancakes
  419. >With pans baked right into the cakes
  420. >Dad said iron was important for growing young foals
  421. >Even though you ate the whole stack, you were still hungry
  422. >You're always hungry
  423. >"That's a relief! You look like you're still hungry, though!"
  424. >This time you nod a little faster
  425. >That's what you said!
  426. >Thought
  427. >Can she read minds?
  428. >"Got any favorite foods? Favorite desserts?"
  429. >More frantic nodding
  430. >"Well?"
  431. >You spread your forelegs out wide and smile
  432. >"Everything?! I like the way you think!"
  433. >You like the way you think, too!
  434. >Well, you're really your only audience member
  435. >Can't say the same about your brothers
  436. >"How about a house specialty? Guaranteed to blow your socks off! If you were wearing any!"
  437. >She gigglesnorts
  438. >Good enough to blow off your clothing?
  439. >Sounds just like Death's Chinese cartoons
  440. >The enthusiasm in your nodding is making her shake
  441. >You must be really hungry!
  442. >Oh no, you're just making yourself dizzy
  443. >"Great! We just pulled some fresh cinnamon buns right out of the oven! Just wait right here!"
  444. >She sets you down and prances happily into the kitchen
  445. >And so you sit, alone
  446. >Unattended
  447. >In front of a display full of cakes
  448. >This can only end in Famine
  449. >...
  450. >"IIIIII'm baaaaack~!"
  451. >She sets the tray of buns down, a large container balancing on her back
  452. >"I also brought milk to wash it down!"
  453. >Two glasses join the pastries
  454. >"So, how many do... you... want...?"
  455. >Her eyes grow wide as she sees you sitting by the wall, muzzle covered in cream and looking like a deer caught in the headlights
  456. >You don't break the stare as you lick frosting off your hoof
  457. >Half the shelf was missing
  458. >Half the cakes... and literally a bite out of the wooden insert
  459. >There was a crumb
  460. >Waste not want not as you always say
  461. >Well, waste not
  462. >"Did you just eat all those cakes by yourself?"
  463. >You nod
  464. >"I wasn't even gone two minutes!"
  465. >You nod again
  466. >"Wowee! You sure were hungry! Still got room for the cinnamon buns?"
  467. >A third nod joins the procession
  468. >Oh baby, a triple
  469. >"Well alrighty then! Take as many as you like!"
  470. >She holds the tray of goodies out to you
  471. >They smell like heaven
  472. >And considering you've visited heaven before, you would know
  473. >Heaven smells like freshly baked goods
  474. >And flowers
  475. >And there's one place off in the corner that smells like someone had a fun time in a public restroom but you don't talk about that place
  476. >CRRRRRUNCH
  477. >Pinkie is flabbergasted as you take half the tray in your mouth and bite down
  478. >The sound of grinding metal fills the quiet shop
  479. >She takes her own bun and munches on it as she watches you bemusedly
  480. >"I heard growing colts eat a lot, but that's just craaaazy! Milk?"
  481. >Swallowing your snack, you reach out with a nod
  482. >After filling up a glass, she sets the pitcher on the table
  483. >You quickly grab that and suck it down, pitcher falling to the floor with a clatter when you're done
  484. >The glass she had prepared for you slowly rescinds
  485. >"I guess this one will be mine, then."
  486. >Now she's giving you a critical look as she sips warily from her glass
  487. >"That fill your tummy yet?"
  488. >You shake your head 'no'
  489. >The look in her eyes becomes a full on squint of... suspicion? Anger?
  490. >She's not going to hit you for being honest, is she?
  491. >Please no
  492. >Slowly she leans down to face you at eye-level, pressing her nose up against yours
  493. >L-Lewd
  494. >...
  495. >She smells good
  496. >...
  497. >Is she staring into your soul?
  498. >Wait, do you even have a soul?
  499. >Did you have one once and eat it?
  500. >You don't remember
  501. >...
  502. "Hello?"
  503. >"Are we related?"
  504. "W-What? I don't think so."
  505. >"Hmm. Hmmmmmm!"
  506. >Hmm?
  507. >"WELL WE SHOULD BE!"
  508. >Oh God what! Your ears!
  509. >She picks you up and hugs you close, snuggling the life from you
  510. >Your lungs!
  511. >"I haven't seen somepony eat as much as me in forever! I knew we would get along great when I saw you!"
  512. >Hnnnnng
  513. >She's so soft
  514. >She smells so good
  515. >You want to eat her
  516. >Why does that sound so wrong?
  517. >Letting you down for a moment, she takes an eclair from the counter display and shoves it in your mouth
  518. >It doesn't last a second as you swallow it whole
  519. >"There's no shortage of goodies here, no siree! But now it's time to replace those cakes you ate! Wanna help me in the kitchen?"
  520. >Making cakes?
  521. >Normally you eat them, but this sounds like it could be fun!
  522. >Nodding your head, you smile and she gives you one in return
  523. >"Great! Follow me little guy!"
  524. >Trotting on after her, you go through the doors into the kitchen
  525. >Wow it's big
  526. >There's utensils and ingredients everywhere
  527. >And more delicious smells coming from the ovens
  528. >"So, after we're done here, is there anything you like to do for fun?"
  529. >Not really?
  530. >You mostly just sleep and eat
  531. >And since it's not bedtime
  532. "Eat."
  533. >She laughs at that
  534. >What's so funny?
  535. >"Oh come on, surely you've got some kind of interests besides eating? Even I don't like eating so much it's all I do!"
  536. >Well then she's just weird, because it really is all you like to do
  537. >What else is there?
  538. >Her smile falters a bit as you just shrug at her
  539. >"Nothing? Really? Games, books, music, anything?"
  540. >Nope
  541. >"Uh, that's fine I guess! To each their own."
  542. >Wanting to change the subject, Pinkie quickly puts on an apron and a chef's hat
  543. >The hat looks like a giant muffin
  544. >You want to eat it
  545. >"Time for some baking! Grab a bowl while I grab the cake mix!"
  546. >Tearing your attention away from the hat, you begin searching for what you think is a suitable mixing bowl
  547. >"Let's see here... milk, eggs, butter..."
  548. >Too small, too big, too narrow
  549. >"...flour, frosting, vanilla extract..."
  550. >This one looks good
  551. >"...celery, pickles, onions..."
  552. >Good enough to eat
  553. >"...springs, sprockets, gears..."
  554. >No Famine, don't eat the bowl
  555. >You need this for cake
  556. >"...fish candies, rhubarb, sediment shaped sediment..."
  557. >Would she prefer a spoon or a whisk?
  558. >"...stuffed pig, missing fillies, Twilight's fanfiction..."
  559. >Maybe she has one of those electrical beaters?
  560. >Do they have those in Equestria?
  561. >The technology here confuses you
  562. >"...Where's Waldo, James Bond, the head of Inigo Montoya..."
  563. >Your ear perks up
  564. >What in the nine levels of hell is she making?
  565. >"...uranium, biochemically engineered superbabies-"
  566. >She stops and looks down at you as you pop your head between her legs and look in the refrigerator
  567. >There's none of what she was listing off present in it
  568. >Looking up, your snootle boops into hers and you lock eyes
  569. >"Got the bowl all ready Famalam?"
  570. >Noses rub as you nod
  571. >Why does that feel good?
  572. >Why is your face heating up?
  573. >"Super! Come on!"
  574. >Grabbing you by the scruff of your neck with her teeth, she flips you up and over her head and onto her back before trotting back to where you set the bowl
  575. >Setting you down on top of the counter, she places all the ingredients for a normal! cake next to you
  576. >"Okiedokie! Have you ever made a cake before?"
  577. >You shake your head in the negative
  578. >"Well it's fairly simple. In fact, I have something to make the process easier to remember!"
  579. >Oh?
  580. >"Aaaaaall you have to do is take a cup of flower, add it to the mix!"
  581. >Is she singing?
  582. >"Now just take a little something sweet, not sour! A bit of salt - just a pinch!"
  583. >Why is she singing?
  584. >And don't you need more flour than that to make a cake?
  585. >You're no chef but you've watched the cooking channels back home
  586. >Late at night when everyone was asleep, silhouetted by the warm glow of the television in a darkened room
  587. >Death called you a degenerate
  588. >You don't know what that means and by the sound of it it's not tasty
  589. >What even is a food porn?
  590. >You nod your head along until she finishes her performance
  591. >"You get it?"
  592. >It made no sense whatsoever
  593. >So you shake your head
  594. >"Oh come on, that was a classic! Anyway, just mix these ingredients like so."
  595. >The spoon smacks around the bowl as the two of you add bit after bit of that which creates fluffy cake goodness
  596. >"And done! Now we just pour it in an oven-ready contai- Famine."
  597. "Yes?"
  598. >"Why is the bowl empty."
  599. "I was hungry."
  600. >The two of you share another look
  601. >Boop!
  602. >"You're silly!"
  603. >You are, aren't you?
  604. >Wait, you are?
  605. >"Let's take it again, from the top!"
  606. >Another bowl is made, another song is sung, but this time she keeps the mix out of your reach, smacking your nose with the spoon when you try to eat it again
  607. >Aww
  608. >"Now just set the timer... and done! Now we wait."
  609. >Wait? Okay
  610. >Sitting down in front of the oven, you stare into its illuminated depths
  611. >"Uh, Famasham, what'cha doin'?"
  612. "Waiting."
  613. >"You know you don't actually have to just sit and wait, right?"
  614. >But how will you know when it's done?
  615. >"There's a little timer right there to let us know when the cake is ready."
  616. >So there is
  617. >Wait, did she read your mind again?
  618. >"Nope!"
  619. >Okay, good
  620. >No one should ever look into the depths of your tortured psyche lest they witness untold horrors centuries old
  621. >"I've seen worse in Twilight's basement."
  622. >What's in the basement?
  623. >Do you want to know?
  624. >Basements are scary, so probably not
  625. >Cleaning off the utensils, she turns to you with a smile
  626. >"You know, I like to throw welcome parties to new arrivals in Ponyville. I wasn't really given the chance when you all first got here, since your dad insisted that it was too soon to start integrating you into the town and the girls were worried that, well..." she trails off nervously
  627. >Well?
  628. >"I meeeaaann, your dad doesn't really have the best reputation around here, ever since he sort of, um... did he tell you about why we're worried about him adopting you all? What uh, happened recently between us?"
  629. >You just shake your head
  630. >Whatever it is, it's probably not important
  631. >At least it wasn't in the plans of his you were all privy to
  632. >She fidgets on her hooves as if at a loss for words
  633. >"Hehe, yeah, I probably wouldn't want to tell you either. I mean, we didn't want to make you boys sad about Dizzy's past booboos."
  634. >Dizzy?
  635. >"Discord."
  636. >Ah
  637. >"Wow, this being serious stuff is hard! I like to spread laughter, not bad news! Twilight is better than me for dealing with this kind of thing. By the way, you uh, haven't seen her around recently, have you? I don't know if she's on princess business, but we haven't heard a peep from her since she went to check on Fluttershy and your pops."
  638. >No idea
  639. >"You don't know anything?"
  640. >Can't say that you do!
  641. >She stares unblinkingly into your eyes
  642. >A bead of sweat runs down the back of your neck
  643. >"Reeeeeeeeally?"
  644. >If you had a collar, you'd adjust it uncomfortably
  645. >"Well okay then! Wonder where she went? Probably to settle some things with Celestia about all this. But that's enough of that booooring old, depressing subject! So about that party, what do you think? I'd like to throw one soon. It's gonna be fuuuuunnn~!"
  646. >Party? You've never been to a party before
  647. >You've seen plenty of 'End of the World' parties thrown by hyoomans, but you don't know why they'd want to celebrate that
  648. >Mankind is weird
  649. >So you just shrug in response
  650. >"But it's a party! You mean to tell me you're not even a teensy bit interested?"
  651. >Can't say that you are
  652. >Doubt you'll be able to enjoy it anyway
  653. >Your brothers would probably hang you from a string and swat you around like a pinata again
  654. >The uninterested tilt of your head seems to put a dampen on her mood somewhat
  655. >"Well, I promise you'll like it. It'll be a ton of fun, you'll see."
  656. >Guess it wouldn't hurt to try
  657. >Her smile returns when you give her a nod
  658. >"So then, wanna learn how to make other stuff?"
  659.  
  660. >A few hours later, a sweaty pink baker and you sit down to relax, you now sporting your own tiny apron and hat
  661. >Pinkie smacked you on the nose several times to keep you from eating your attire
  662. >The kitchen is filled with hundreds of various cakes
  663. >After the two of you exhausted the cake recipes, she went on to show you how to make other things
  664. >Cupcakes, muffins, donuts, fritters, the works
  665. >Pretty much every table in the shop is covered in confections of one sort or another
  666. >Tiring work
  667. >Hungry work
  668. >"Whoo! We made a lot, didn't we?"
  669. >The oven dings as the last batch of treats is pulled out
  670. >Pinkie said those ones were just for her
  671. >She had taken out a small flask and added something bitter smelling
  672. >She called it 'happiness juice'
  673. >Told you it kept away the demons
  674. >You think you understood
  675. >It's annoying when you're trying to eat and imps keep flying in your food
  676. >"Think it's about time for lunch!"
  677. >Looking around, you take in the sight of all your creations
  678. >The entire bakery may as well have been the golden fields of Elysium to you, rich in ambrosia
  679. >Before you can suggest inhaling the smorgasbord before you, the bell from the front of the shop rings out
  680. >"Oh, a customer! I'll be right back!"
  681. >Hopping off her stool, she exits through the doorway, leaving you alone again among the presence of food
  682. >...
  683. >This can only end in-
  684. >She pops her head back in, spying you halfway across the kitchen with your mouth open, hovering over a cake
  685. >"Nuh uh. Come with me, Famingaling the Foodie King."
  686. >Foodie King?
  687. >Did she just give you a title?
  688. >The title of a king?!
  689. >Oh man, Conquest is going to be so jealous!
  690. >You hope he doesn't find out or you'll be spending the rest of the week sleeping outside!
  691. >Suffering the slings and pillows of outraged fortune!
  692. >Nervously hurrying after her, you make your way back into the bakery proper
  693. >She said there was a customer?
  694. >You wonder if they'll try one of your cakes!
  695. >Wow, you didn't think you'd be hyped to have someone else eat your food
  696. >Usually that's a bad thing for you
  697. >"Heya Pinkie!"
  698. >"Hiya Spike!"
  699. >You can hear a voice but you don't see anypony
  700. >Are they a ghost?
  701. >The newcomer looks around the shop in amazement
  702. >"Wow, there's cake everywhere! What's the occasion?"
  703. >"Oh, there's nothing going on. We just made way too many desserts."
  704. >"We? I thought the Cakes were out of town?"
  705. >That's silly, why would the cakes be out of town when they're all right here in the shop?
  706. >"Oh, you probably haven't met yet! Spike, this is Famine, one of Discord's newly adopted sons."
  707. >Pinkie ushers you around the corner to greet the new arrival
  708. >You were fully prepared to be spooked by a ghastly ghosty
  709. >Instead you come face to face with a little purple reptile creature
  710. >"Uh, hey there. Name's Spike, nice to meet you."
  711. >He holds out a claw, but you just awkwardly stare at him
  712. >You've seen plenty of weird monsters before, so it's no surprise this one can talk, you're just not sure what to make of it
  713. >"What's wrong? Oh, you've probably never seen a dragon before!"
  714. >Yes you have
  715. >Big, mean, fire breathing
  716. "Wait, you're a dragon?"
  717. >Spike rubs his knuckles on his scaly chest and grins
  718. >"Yup! Only one in Ponyville! It's okay, I know I'm amazing. No offense taken."
  719. >None given? Why would he try to take your offense? That's rude!
  720. >"He's a baby dragon."
  721. >That makes slightly more sense
  722. >"Aw, come on Pinkie. I'm a hero now, you know?"
  723. >But seriously? A dragon?
  724. >He's even smaller than you!
  725. >War once told you the smol should fear the tol
  726. >He's only an inch taller than you, but it's enough to make him pick on you
  727. >Not that he needs that as a reason
  728. >You wonder if you should eat Spike to establish your dominance
  729. >Pinkie must have read your mind again as she shakes her head at you disapprovingly
  730. >"No Fambalina, you can't eat him."
  731. >"Dude, what?"
  732. >Reaching out a hoof, you give the baby dragon a hand? Claw? Hoof? Appendage shake
  733. >"So Famine, what's it like being adopted by Discord? Pretty weird I bet."
  734. >You think back to the crazy house and shrug
  735. "It's home."
  736. >"What, that's it?"
  737. "So long as my brothers are there, it's home."
  738. >Pinkie awws
  739. >"Because home is where the heart is and your brothers are always in your heart?"
  740. "No, because no matter where I go their bullying stays the same."
  741. >That statement pops the poofiness out of her mane
  742. >You wonder if Conquest is nearby, hogging all the poof again
  743. >"Uh, wow. Sorry to hear that."
  744. "I'm used to it."
  745. >"Are you at least enjoying it here in Ponyville?"
  746. >You shrug again
  747. "It's nice."
  748. >Spike rolls his claw as if to ask for details
  749. "I've... had more to eat here than anywhere else?"
  750. >"You're not much of a talker, are you?"
  751. >No, you usually keep to your thoughts
  752. >It's easier than being beat up for voicing them
  753. >Come to think of it though, your inner musings are becoming more eloquent since coming here, less hectic
  754. >That's a plus, you guess?
  755. >Constant starvation isn't clinging to your mind anymore
  756. >You like this bakery
  757. >You like Pinkie Pie
  758. >"I thought he was just shy, but we've been having fun all day and he hasn't really opened up to me that much."
  759. >Oh, that kind of hurts
  760. >Is it really okay for you to just open up here?
  761. >You're afraid of your brothers and you're afraid of others
  762. >But this isn't the human world anymore, and ponies here have been relatively nice to you
  763. >Pinkie cares about your well being, the yellow filly from class was interested in what you had to say, Fluttershy was nice and dad actually saw some potential in you
  764. >Spike must have noticed your inner turmoil as he places a reassuring claw on your shoulder
  765. >"Come on dude, don't be nervous. We're your friends here, you can be open around us."
  766. >Friends?
  767. "We're friends?"
  768. >"Well uh, yeah! Sure! I know we just met, but everyone in Ponyville is really nice. You'll never have to feel left out, trust me."
  769. >"You don't consider us friends, Fammy?"
  770. >You don't know what to say
  771. >You've never had friends before
  772. >This is all so new to you
  773. >Is this really okay?
  774. >Do you have peo- ponies who really care about you now?
  775. >Does dad really care? He doesn't treat you poorly
  776. >Do you really have friends in this place?
  777. >You start to feel a wetness in your eyes
  778. >What is this?
  779. >"Woah, you okay?"
  780. "I... I don't kn-"
  781. >A warmth envelopes you
  782. >Pinkie is hugging you again
  783. >"Shh, it's okay Famine. You don't have to feel sad anymore."
  784. "Nng."
  785. >This feeling in your chest
  786. >It hurts and feels relieving at the same time
  787. >More wetness comes out of your eyes
  788. >You're crying
  789. >It's been so long since you last cried
  790. >You had gotten used to the treatment, to your previous life
  791. >So much so that you became jaded and content with how poor you were living
  792. >Coming here was frightening at first, but your natural reaction to things like that was to just accept your lot and move on with the hope things wouldn't turn out too bad in the end
  793. >"Fammy? I need you to answer me truthfully. Is Discord treating you alright? Is everything alright at home?"
  794. >Why does she want to know?
  795. >All you can do is nod
  796. >You're given a chance to speak freely and you can't even get the words out
  797. >"Are you sure?"
  798. >Even though you nod again, she seems content to wait for you to actually answer
  799. >It takes a moment to steady your breathing, but you manage to gulp and find your voice
  800. "Y-Yes. I like it here. Dad isn't a bad guy. I just- I've never been c-close to my brothers. I've n-n-never had any friends b-before."
  801. >Pinkie hugs you tighter and rocks you gently
  802. >"Do your brothers really bully you that much? Do you really not get along with them?"
  803. >You just shake your head
  804. >Conquest has made it clear before he barely even considers you family, you're just a means to an end for him
  805. >War just wants something to beat on
  806. >And you're pretty sure Death doesn't like anybody
  807. >"You know, even though the girls were hesitant, I was a little excited about you four. I have three sisters myself that I love very dearly. And even though we've had our fair share of fights, we've always forgiven each other in the end and come out stronger for it."
  808. >Sounds nice
  809. >It just makes you feel worse about your own brothers
  810. >"I don't mean to make it sound like I'm bragging that I have something you don't. I just want you to understand, that even through the roughest times, family is family. You all can get along, and I want to help you all through it."
  811. "...You mean it?"
  812. >"Mmhm. I know how hard it is for siblings to share their feelings. You sometimes have to get into a screaming match just to get it all off your chest!"
  813. >Is that really how it works?
  814. >You're pretty sure War never hides his emotions, he's always so loud and confident
  815. >Death doesn't even need to do that much, he's not burdened by such silly things as feelings
  816. >And Conquest is always so sure of himself, you doubt he's ever held back his opinion
  817. >Really, thinking about it just makes you realize you've always looked up to them
  818. >They have such strength of character you can only dream of, such enviable willpower
  819. >You've always ran to them for protection
  820. >Even though you knew they wanted nothing to do with you, you still depended on them anyway
  821. >Brothers...
  822. >"Uhh, should I come back later?"
  823. >"Oh shush, Spike. You're one of his first friends in Ponyville, stick around to support him, okay?"
  824. >"Eh, I didn't really sign on for any mushy stuff."
  825. >"Ohhh, you boys are so unsympathetic with each other!"
  826. "It's okay. You were willing to listen, that's more than I can say for most."
  827. >"Sorry dude, I'm an only child. I don't really know how to deal with sibling rivalry. But hey, brothers and sisters are kind of like friends, right? So when your friends are being jerks, just give 'em a kick in the pants! Well, they don't have to be wearing any, but you know what I mean."
  828. >"Spike, you shouldn't encourage fighting."
  829. >"Hey, it's just a suggestion. If they're bullying you, you gotta stand up to them."
  830. >War would probably tear you a new one if you ever tried standing up to him
  831. "Thanks for the advice, I get what you mean."
  832. >"Just don't try to do anything mean until I can organize a get together with you all, okay? I want to try and repair your relationship with your brothers and I'd rather you not make it worse with any... what is it that Twilight calls it whenever you're trying to act tough, Spike?"
  833. >He just huffs and glares at her
  834. >"False bravado."
  835. >"That!"
  836. >"And it's not an act! I really am tough!"
  837. >"Sure you are!"
  838. >This brings a giggle out of you
  839. >Pinkie gently sets you down and smiles at you
  840. >"Feeling better?"
  841. "Yeah, thank you."
  842. >"And hey, if you ever wanna hang out, we got some cool spots in town, like an arcade and a bowling alley."
  843. "Arcade? Bowling? What kind of food is that?"
  844. >"You're joking, right?"
  845. >"He doesn't exactly have many hobbies, Spike."
  846. >"Oh man, you don't know what you're missing out on! But hey, speaking of food... since all that's settled now, I'm here for my order, Ms. Pie."
  847. >Spike waggles his eyebrows suggestively
  848. >Pinkie's mane seems to inflate back to normal as she trots happily in place
  849. >"Oh yeah! I just got a new shipment of gems in!"
  850. >Gems?
  851. >Opening one of the cupboards, she brings out a paper box and opens it to reveal its treasure
  852. >And what a treasure it is! Why the heck are those cupcakes covered in gems?
  853. >"Hehe, thanks, Pinkie. Ooh boy, some of my favorite flavors are here!"
  854. "You eat rare gems?"
  855. >"Huh? Oh yeah, dragons love gems! They're not -that- rare though. I helped Rarity not that long ago find a bunch of them for her dresses."
  856. >Spike pops one of the cupcakes in his mouth and crunches happily on it
  857. >"Mmmm!"
  858. >Those were diamonds
  859. >You've seen Conquest lose his mind over those things
  860. >And Spike just ate a bunch of them, some bigger than your eyes!
  861. "Are they good?"
  862. >"They're delicious!"
  863. "C-Could I try one?"
  864. >"Huh? Uh, ponies aren't really capable of eating gems like dragons can, dude."
  865. >He sees the focused expression on your face though and relents
  866. >"Hey, knock yourself out. Just don't blame me when you choke."
  867. >He hands you one of the sparkling cupcakes
  868. >It's covered in a variety of beautiful gemstones
  869. >The kind that could buy you a fully stocked grocery store in your old world
  870. >Well, you didn't really need to considering you weren't of the mortal realm, but the point remains
  871. >...
  872. >Bottoms up!
  873. >CRRRRRAAACKK
  874. >The noise startles Pinkie and Spike as you begin to chew through solid gemstone
  875. >Spike near drops the rest of the box as he witnesses what he had previously deemed the impossible
  876. >A pony eating gems, how very unusual!
  877. >The stones are soon ground to powder and swallowed as you lick your lips and ruminate on the taste
  878. "Not bad. Kind of like Sweet Tarts and Pop Rocks."
  879. >"Pop, sweet- wait what? H-How?!"
  880. >"Spike, you know how sometimes I do things out of the ordinary and you all agree not to question it?"
  881. >"Yeah?"
  882. >"Well I wouldn't question Famine's stomach."
  883. >"Bruh."
  884. "That was good! Want to try some of my desserts?"
  885. >"Your desserts?"
  886. >"Yeppers! Famdango here helped make a lot of the stuff sitting around on the tables!"
  887. >Eyeing the surrounding treats, Spike picks up a brownie and takes a large bite, eyes lighting up in surprise
  888. >"Woah, this is really good!"
  889. >"Mmhm! There's no one who quite makes food as well as someone who knows their food like a foodie, foodite, foody-toody." she spits out the words tying up her tongue
  890. >Your stomach rumbles
  891. >That cupcake stoked the fires of hunger from making all this
  892. >And all those emotions just made you hungrier
  893. >"Well, we were just about to sit down for lunch when you walked in. Seeing as how we have so many desserts though, we can't possibly keep them all on the shelves. So if you want to join us, lunch is on the house!"
  894. >Spike takes a look around at your Wonderland
  895. >You can tell he appreciates it as much as you do
  896. >"Oh boy, I am gonna stuff myself 'til I drop!"
  897. >"Careful Spike, you don't want to get a tummy ache!"
  898. >"Bah, that's future Spike's problem. I don't get this opportunity too often with Twilight hanging over me like a wet napkin."
  899. >If only he knew the irony of that statement
  900. >He dives right into a table covered in chocolate goodies
  901. >"Heehee, he never learns."
  902. >Pinkie joins him in the fray
  903. >And with a smile, you join your two new friends
  904.  
  905. >Afternoon finds you too stuffed to move
  906. >You must have eaten something like 40 cakes
  907. >Fullness... when was the last time you experienced this sensation?
  908. >All three of you lie around on the floor, bloated comically like balloons and covered in various frostings and smudges
  909. >Spike looks like he could lift off at any moment
  910. >You all not only ate, but played with your food as well
  911. >'Catch the flying cupcake with your mouth' was a fun game, you didn't miss once
  912. >Pinkie groans in discomfort, setting off a chain reaction of groans from all of you
  913. >It's like a haunted house in here
  914. >A part of you idly wonders if this was the kind of chaos dad was talking about
  915. >If it is, chaos is perhaps the most delicious thing in existence
  916. >You don't think you succeeded much however
  917. >This isn't quite like anything he'd pull
  918. >Nothing went wrong though, so you think you did him proud
  919. >And you got a free meal out of it
  920. >And friends!
  921. >This is the best day ever in your eternity of life
  922. >An approving belch follows that thought
  923. >Definitely
  924. >"Uuuugh, I don't think I'll ever eat again."
  925. >That's heresy, Pinkie
  926. >"I don't think I'll ever even think of food again!"
  927. >Your new friends are kind of plebs, but you still like them anyway
  928. >Pinkie rolls onto her stomach and manages to lift herself up
  929. >"Well, that takes care of half of the extra desserts. I think I can find room for the rest. It's a shame, though."
  930. >You and Spike listen half-attentively
  931. >"Waz a shame?"
  932. >"Out of all the desserts we made, we never tried the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. And we worked extra hard on that one!"
  933. >Pinkie rolls out a giant cake into the middle of the floor
  934. >The sight of it alone causes Spike to cover his mouth in sickness
  935. >You however, can only stare in wonder at the beauty that is the Quadruple M
  936. >Steadily, you get to your hooves and stand before its majesty
  937. >It beams its rays of tastiness upon you, like a magnificent father, deliciously incandescent
  938. >"Famine?"
  939. >Your eyes start to glaze over as you take in the cake
  940. >...
  941. >...
  942. >"...ami...?"
  943. >"F...min...!"
  944. >"Famine!"
  945. >Huh, wha?
  946. >Pinkie waves a hoof in front of your face
  947. >What happened?
  948. >One second you were staring at the cake of cakes, the next you just blacked out
  949. >Wait, where did the cake go?
  950. "What happened to the cake?"
  951. >"It's gone, Famine. You ate it."
  952. "Are you sure? I don't even remember-"
  953. >"Yes I'm sure. Your mouth unhinged like a giant snake. It was horrifying to watch."
  954. >You just stare blankly at the empty spot in front of you
  955. >All the evidence that was left of the once great masterpiece to prove it even existed in the first place was one of the wheels Pinkie rolled it in on
  956. >"It's a good thing you're too big to move now, you might have taken the rest of the bakery with you!"
  957. >Damn, was it that bad?
  958. >You've never glut yourself like this before, so to black out was kind of worrying
  959. >You wonder if you temporarily called upon your inner purpose just then
  960. >It's probably nothing, just your belly taking the place of your mind as usual
  961. >Best not to think about it
  962. >"Well Fammy, that was a fun day despite some hangups. I'm really glad I got to spend this time with you."
  963. >It still feels odd to hear someone say such nice things about you, but it makes you smile anyway
  964. >"I gotta clean up and you have to meet my other friends. I know it wasn't a big to do, but consider this the smaller welcoming party to Ponyville."
  965. >If this is what parties were like, you were definitely looking forward to the real one now
  966. >With a smile and a wink, she gives you a tender kiss on the nose, leaving behind a chocolatey kiss mark and making you blush something fierce
  967. >She giggles in response to your reaction
  968. >"Now let's get you on out of here, roly-poly!"
  969.  
  970. >Today was exhausting
  971. >You never thought you'd experience so many firsts
  972. >Sharing your food, asking for permission to eat someone else's, cooking your own
  973. >A-And your first kiss
  974. >It wasn't on the lips, b-but still!
  975. >All kinds of shivers run up and down your spine
  976. >If this is what it feels like to do these things, you don't mind putting them to practice more often
  977. >You practically feel like a new horse
  978. >As Pinkie helps you up and out the door, you can't help but lick the chocolate kiss off your nose
  979. >What is probably the biggest smile to ever grace anypony's face now adorns yours
  980. >You never knew happiness was a flavor until you came here

ErroneousDraconequus(2017): Acutecalypse 1: (Here come the Horses)

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