Manofass(2016): Beach Bum Anon Chapter 1: Pissing and Screaming


                                            >The taste of bile coats your tongue

                                            >You keel over in pain and piss all over your shirt and pants

                                            >A weak stream of sour vomit dribbles down your chin as you regain your composure and empty out the rest of your bladder

                                            >You had a good spot where the bulls couldn't see you piss or shit in this alley, since it was tighter than most and rarely trafficked

                                            >Not to mention the piles of garbage you could hide behind

                                            >Regalado seems to not give a shit about the ghettos, which was fine by you

                                            >Makes bumming in Miami a whole lot easier

                                            >The pain fades and you wipe the foulness off your chin with your grimy shirt sleeve

                                            >The button on your pants had fallen off last summer, so you had to close it up with a few safety pins

                                            >Except the holes you made for them have worn too far through and they slip right off

                                            >You giggle at your minor misfortune and look around for something to use as a belt before deciding to abandon the pants altogether

                                            >Too hot for that shit anyways

                                            >You ball it up and toss it on a roof so some other lowlife doesn't find the clothes as easy pickings and try to claim your shitting alley

                                            >Now clad from the bottom down in only work boots and stained white briefs, you peek around the corner to check the foot traffic

                                            >It's 3-something at night, or at least that's your best guess, so you'll have plenty of cover

                                            >Some loon in a mismatched suit is meandering on your way

                                            >He looks disheveled, so probably doesn't have much cash on him

                                            >Although he looks like he might just barely tread the line of eccentric addict, so maybe he might have something on him you can sell or take for yourself

                                            >Which is just as good as nabbing a tourist with a full wallet

                                            >You crouch down in your filth, ready to pounce

                                            >One hand is on a kitchen knife tucked away in your gilet

                                            >The other is ready to grab this nigga by the shirt collar and take him off the sidewalk and into your domain

                                            >For a long while you hear only the sound of passing cars, distant sirens and the man's footsteps

                                            >You see a foot move past your corner and spring into action like a goddamn tiger

                                            >King of the jungle, baby


                                            >Your hand catches nothing and without the support you expected you fall flat on your face and feel a sharp pain in your chest

                                            >You scramble to your feet and notice that suddenly you're on a floating platform in the middle of a Lovecraftian hellscape

                                            >Which is weird, because you don't remember taking any hallucinagens in the past month or so

                                            >It's been all meth, all the time baby

                                            >You also don't remember taking so much you'd slip into psychosis, though

                                            >So this is definitely out of place

                                            >You sure don't feel high

                                            >"Ah-ha! Just the kind of man I've been looking for!"

                                            >You look towards the voice and whip out your knife towards the source

                                            >It comes out already slick with blood

                                            >Not a good sign

                                            >You've gone and stabbed yourself

                                            >Again

                                            >Once more you cackle at your own incompetence

                                            >"That's the spirit! Show me a smile!"

                                            >You cock your head at the serpentine figure the voice originates from

                                            >And you show him your best stage grin

                                            >You haven't seen a mirror lately, but last time you were missing more than a few teeth and the rest looked nearly black

                                            >Suddenly you're knocked off your feet again

                                            >This time into a chair though

                                            >The voice laughs, and you laugh with it

                                            >As much as laughing hurts

                                            >"Let's get down to business, shall we?"

                                            >The noodle monster swirls into a tornado and is suddenly wearing some kind of suit

                                            >Not like the one the man from the sidewalk was wearing

                                            >No, this one was a black pinstripe, something you'd expect a 50's detective to wear

                                            >Or those dudes out of 12 Angry Men

                                            "Whatever you say bossman."

                                            >You're tripping balls right now

                                            >Maybe you went out to town with Eddie again

                                            >Shit always hits the fan when Eddie's around

                                            >It feels too real though, in a way, none of the typical euphoria you get with this kind of thing

                                            >You need to tell him how pitiful this garbage is

                                            >Whatever it is

                                            >"You have a problem. Multiple problems, in fact. Including the golf-ball sized tumor in your prostate."

                                            "Wait wait wait, last time I had it checked it was as big as a pea-"

                                            >"A lot can happen in four years, Anon. But none of that matters now."

                                            >A desk appears between you and he slides over a piece of parchment covered in Hebrew or something

                                            >"I am giving you the chance of a lifetime. The chance to start all over again."

                                            >You cock an eyebrow

                                            "What makes you think I want to live a whole damn life again? I'm gettin to the end with this one here, why would I want to start over?"

                                            >"Because this time you'll be able to do a whole myriad of things you could never do here. It will be quite the /magical/ experience!"

                                            >He winks and nudges you with a disembodied elbow after that last part, but whatever he's implying is lost on you

                                            >You're taking this way too seriously, you need to just go with the flow

                                            >You reach for the paper to see that a quill is already in your hand

                                            >On the big line marked 'sign here' you draw a crude dick and giggle to yourself

                                            >So, what am I signing up for, noodle man?

                                            >"The name's Discord, partner, and you just struck the most important deal of either of your lives!"

                                            >The fuck is that supposed to mean

                                            "The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

                                            >You catch a glimpse of noodle man swinging a large stick at your face

                                            >Pain, and then blackness


                                            >When you wake, the first thing you notice is that you feel...

                                            >...good

                                            >Not high good, or aroused good

                                            >Just good

                                            >For the first time in a long time

                                            >Your stomach is calm, your sinuses are clear, there's no constant pain in your ass

                                            >Your gums don't ache, breathing doesn't hurt, your scalp doesn't itch

                                            >And your whole body feels clean

                                            "Fuck me Eddie, I take it all back. This shit is the bee's knees."

                                            >Something smacks against the side of your head

                                            >"Did you not read the agreement at all?"

                                            >It's noodle man

                                            >You're laying on a metal table in the middle of a dark room

                                            >And there is a fucking floodlight pointed at your face

                                            "Urgh... I probably might have, if I was a jew."

                                            >He taps his chin with a bird-like talon, considering your words

                                            >"No matter, I think you will learn just fine on your own. But for now-"

                                            >He smacks the floodlight and suddenly the whole room is illuminated, revealing rows and rows of standing mirrors

                                            >"-Have a look at you BRAND NEW BODY!"

                                            >Mirrors creep you the fuck out

                                            >They got voodoo shit going on in them, man

                                            >Aint' fucking natural

                                            >You scramble backwards, barely getting a glance at the tiny green horse staring at you from the reflections

                                            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

                                            >Almost immediately you fall off the edge and slam your head hard against the linoleum floor

                                            >Discord breaks into a fit of hysteria while you dart off in the opposite direction of the demon glass

                                            >You reach the other side of the room, which is just a pure white wall

                                            >Turning around, you can now see the mirrow rows extending into infinity

                                            "FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF!"

                                            >You haven't been this terrified since you accidentally walked into that funhouse mirror maze and got lost for three hours

                                            >But it doesn't look like this can be solved by breaking shit and screaming until the cops have to come throw you out

                                            >As you continue in your unbroken scream, Discord approaches, clearly annoyed

                                            >"Okay Anon, fun's over. You can stop now."

                                            >You collapse in the floor and huddle into a ball

                                            >"Goodness me Anon, what's all this fuss over?"

                                            >Still screaming, you point a hoof towards the mirrors

                                            >He sighs, and with a snap of his fingers they are gone

                                            >Leaving you to catch your breath as you rock yourself back and forth

                                            >Mirrors are fucking creepy


                                            >Some time passes before you finally calm the fuck down

                                            >There's a constant sting on your cheek from Discord smacking your face with a newspaper every time you swore

                                            >You didn't protest, fearing the wrath of the fiendish mirror maker

                                            >You take a final deep breath and collapse backwards, spread-eagle on the floor

                                            >You notice that the scenery has changed

                                            >You are now in some mismatched, colorful fever dream of an Escher house

                                            >Floating furniture, windows in the floor, upside down stairs, etc etc

                                            >Kinda like that art expo back in Cali

                                            >The one where you tried to mug a security guard and vomited on his chest when he went to throw you out

                                            >Noodle man has sprawled himself out over a winged couch and seems to have taken notice of your sudden tranquility

                                            >"Are you done yet? Or do you need a minute?"

                                            >He asks sarcastically

                                            >You open your mouth to talk but he poofs in front of your face and places a finger over your mouth

                                            >"Forget I asked, I don't really care."

                                            "O-okay man, I'm ready for this shit to wear off."

                                            >WHACK

                                            >Despite smacking you in the face again, Discord shows no malice on his face

                                            >Rather, it shows confusion

                                            >"What do you mean? The deal is forever."

                                            >You roll your eyes and sigh

                                            >"...Anyways, enough of that. You've held us up long enough as it is. My schedule is very tight, you know, so all this time wasted has really put me in a bind."

                                            "Do I care?"

                                            >He ignores your remark and snaps is talons

                                            >An iron-chained pendant appears around your neck

                                            >You're also now standing

                                            >The sudden change gave you vertigo, and you are surprised you don't hurl

                                            >"This is a special little item of mine which will let me see everything you see."

                                            >You fake a yawn to show your disinterest

                                            >"More importantly, it can guess when you're about to use profanity, or spill the beans on your true identity, and automatically 'correct' you."

                                            "Why the fFF-"

                                            >Your entire body feels like it's being tazed

                                            >Every inch from your balls to your teeth

                                            >The sensation only lasts a second, but it's a second too long

                                            >Discord chuckles at your scream of agony

                                            >Your muscles give out and you collapse back onto the ground

                                            >"I think I've told you enough. You'll figure out the rest, you're a clever man."

                                            "W-why can't I tell anyone about my real identity?"


                                            >He's gone

                                            >So is his fever dream of a house

                                            >In fact, you see nothing around you but blue

                                            >And you've got this intense feeling of falling

                                            >You look down to notice your rapid approach to the ground

                                            >Holy fucking shitfuck, you've gotta be just entering the stratosphere

                                            >An orange haze envelops your body and you feel the most intense heat you've ever felt in your life

                                            "WHAT THE F-"

                                            >The full-body taser wracks you with pain

                                            >Your screams turn into an incoherent mess as your death grows ever-closer

                                            >You had to admit, you didn't actually want to die

                                            >You just wanted to play hard-to-get with the sentient noodle

                                            >Just to be a facetious asshole

                                            >You're pretty sure you shat yourself at some point in the fall

                                            >Good thing you weren't wearing clothes

                                            >The fall feels like it's extending into infinity

                                            >You're pretty sure you're well past terminal velocity

                                            >And yet the ground seems to be staying in the same spot

                                            >Your bones feel like they are being crushed by five-ton weights

                                            >There's a sudden pain in your belly as your stomach inflates like a balloon

                                            >Your gut bursts open with a pop that is audible even over the rushing wind and crackling fire around you

                                            >Just as you reach down to clutch it, you cover the distance between you and the earth in almost an instant

                                            >You close your eyes, expecting death


                                            >But it never comes

                                            >Your ears are ringing and your body aches

                                            >But right now you're either alive or in hell

                                            >Maybe purgatory

                                            >Or even heaven

                                            >You cautiously open a single eyelid

                                            >Is purgatory supposed to be this colorful?

                                            >You look around to see yourself in the center of a massive crater in the road of a medieval-looking village

                                            >Everything looks way too bright and happy to be medieval, though

                                            >Four pastel horses are scattered about the cobblestone road you've crashed in to

                                            >They all stare at you with looks of disbelief

                                            >One of them, a purple one with wings and a horn, breaks out of her bewildered stupor and rushes towards you

                                            >"Sweet Celestia, are you okay? What happened to you?"

                                            >You look down at your hooves

                                            >Other than being covered in dirt, they're fine

                                            >Upon further inspection, the rest of your body is in a similar state

                                            >Holy shit you're alive

                                            >You start to laugh, much to the surprise of purple

                                            >You're alive

                                            >God's balls, you're alive

                                            >The words keep repeating in your mind, and each time you only laugh harder

                                            >Just a few moments ago you were entirely certain that you were going to die

                                            >But here you are

                                            >"Are you... okay?"

                                            >She repeats

                                            >You stop laughing to process the words for a moment

                                            >Only to start back up in full force

                                            >One of the horses, this one pink, is at your side in an instant, one of her legs wrapped around your back

                                            >And she's laughing with you

                                            >The rest just stand and stare like autists

                                            >Another pony appears out of nowhere

                                            >Literally

                                            >A sudden flash and she's in the center of the road

                                            >"Twilight! I've everypony to the castle, how are things with the ursa going?"

                                            >She looks over to a massive pile of transparent purple... something- further down the road, and then to you

                                            >"Uh, did you win?"

                                            >Purple takes a gander at the throbbing mass herself

                                            >"I think so. Yeah, yeah we did."


                                            >This lollipop tastes like wet grass

                                            >And dirt

                                            >But it's some sweet ass shit

                                            >Better than slightly rotten chicken and stale crackers, at least

                                            >Purple, who you have learned is named TwiSparkle somethingoranother, had you looked over by some pill peddler at the horse hospital

                                            >And you were issued a clean bill of health

                                            >And given some candy by a qt horse nurse

                                            >You've fucked a horse once, it was 6/10

                                            >So you were open to the idea of fucking another

                                            >But nurses are high class ladies

                                            >You'll need to work the ol Speedy charm if you're gonna get this one, though

                                            >Either that, or find some way to incapacitate her and have some forcey fun time

                                            >Both of which are going to be a lot harder than they usually would, considering the fact that you seem to be in a child's body

                                            >"So, Speedy, where do your parents live?"

                                            >The two of you were just outside the bonehouse

                                            >Twiguy had already extracted your monika from you

                                            >Now she wants your address

                                            >Does this mean she also wants your dick?

                                            >You hadn't quite pegged her as a kiddy fiddler, but you aren't opposed to the idea

                                            >You shrug

                                            "Dunno, I'm not sure if lodging was even included in the contra-"

                                            >You suddenly sieze up and collapse to the ground as a wave of pain washes over you

                                            >What the fuck

                                            >You weren't even swearing

                                            >Twilight is already standing over you

                                            >"Are you okay? What happened?"

                                            >You dry heave and cluch your stomach

                                            >"Speedy? Speedy, what's going on?"

                                            >Stop nagging me, cunt

                                            >You manage to stifle the heaves and regain control of your body

                                            "Just a... nervous tick, is all. Yeah, a nervous tick."

                                            >She visibly relaxes at this

                                            >Haha dumb cunt bought it

                                            >You don't understand why you lied in the first place, but who the fuck cares

                                            >She helps you up and you rub your still-hurting gut

                                            >"So, what was that about your parents?"

                                            >You give her a blank stare

                                            "My what? Oh right."

                                            >You look up at the sky and give your chin a rub

                                            "I'll probably figure that out later."

                                            >"Figure it out later? You mean you don't know who your parents are?"

                                            "Or if I even have any. This whole experience has just been one big cluster-"

                                            >You cut yourself off this time, rolling the phrase around in your head and cringing at the thought of another shock

                                            "Err, mess. One big mess."

                                            >She eyes you skeptically

                                            >"I'm afraid I don't follow. What experience?"

                                            >You let the question hang in the air for a moment

                                            >After a short bout of inner deliberation, you begin to laugh

                                            >And laugh and laugh and laugh

                                            >What a time to be alive

                                            >Twixstix is not amused

                                            >"Speedy, this is serious. We need to know who your parents are, and if they even know where you are. How did you even get here?"

                                            >You shrug again

                                            "I suppose that's for the lord to know, and me to forever ponder."

                                            >She sighs in frustration

                                            >"Fine, fine. We'll figure this out the hard way."


                                            "Why are you lording over me, anyways?"

                                            >She dragged you all the way to town hall to turn you in to child services for evil experiments or something

                                            >What a bitch

                                            >"Because it's the responsible thing to do."

                                            >She starts babbling some stupid bullshit to a lady behind a desk while you play with the pendant around your neck

                                            >It's covered in engravings of the noodle man and something about fish

                                            >You notice seams in the side of it that give it the appearance of a locket

                                            >You try to pry it open with your hooves to no avail

                                            >You feel a nudge on your side

                                            >Twi'lek gestures for you to follow her, and you comply with a little reluctance

                                            >She leads you into a bright, warm office ripped straight out of Sesame Street

                                            >The walls are covered in crude crayon drawings of ponies, mostly families

                                            >The wallpaper is a bright blue sky sprinkled with cartoon clouds

                                            >An oak desk covered in various trinkets and baubles sits in the center of the room

                                            >Behind it is seated a teal unicorn with a bubblegum colored mane styled in a neat ponytail

                                            >To top it all off, she's wearing a yellow and purple polka-dotted turtleneck sweater

                                            >"Princess Twilight! It's so good to see you! And who is this little darling you've brought with you?"

                                            >Holy fuck she's the sweetest sounding woman you've ever heard

                                            >She sounds like the kind of person who makes pancakes for her grandkids every morning

                                            >She sounds like the kind of person who bakes cakes for small town church functions

                                            >She sounds like the kind of person whose husband is dead but she doesn't mind too much, because she knows that's just the way the world works

                                            >It's mesmerizing

                                            >"Safe Springs, this is Speedy. He needs help finding his parents."

                                            >Being reminded of Twi's bullshit drags you back down to earth and you let out a frustrated sigh

                                            >Refusing to make eye contact with either of them, you turn your attention back to your locket and start picking at the seams again

                                            >"Shy, are we? Don't worry, I don't bite. Would you like a sweet?"

                                            >She's making all these movements and gestures in your peripheral vision, but you ignore them

                                            >The locket pops open

                                            >Must've been trying it from the wrong side earlier

                                            >You peer in only to see yourself staring back at you

                                            >You jump a little and slam the locket shut, only to see that you're back in Discord's house of horrors


                                            >"Back so soon?"

                                            >You can hear the faint sound of an accordian in the background

                                            "What just happened?"

                                            >You look down at the locket once more, only to see it has disappeared

                                            "What the hell?"

                                            >You hardly have time to see the disembodied arm smack you on the nose

                                            >Discord is twirling the locket in the air, staring at it with disinterest

                                            >He tosses it aside, cracks his knuckles and a remote appears in his hand

                                            >Slamming it against the wall with all the strength he can muster causes a flatscreen to appear at its point of impact

                                            >On this TV is a distressed Twilight, frantically searching the office you have suddenly vanished from and calling out your name

                                            >Discord promptly loses his shit, falling backwards into a fainting couch and staring at the scene with wicked delight

                                            >You can't help but be amused by her tormented calls yourself

                                            >Safe Springs is just confused, not quite knowing what to make of the situation

                                            >Twilight scampers out of the room, and the shot cuts to the hall, where she's running around and generally causing a stir

                                            >Multiple ponies approach her in an attempt to figure out what is wrong, but she just keeps asking vague shit like 'where did he go?'

                                            >Holy hell why does she care so much?

                                            >You watch her panicked escapades for several minutes before Discord's laughter suddenly ceases and he poofs the TV away, falling back on the sofa with a sigh

                                            >"So, what have we learned today?"

                                            >He suddenly perks up and begins puffing a comically large cigar

                                            "What?"

                                            >For a moment there is only the sound of him sucking on the stogie

                                            >Just as you're about to ask again, he blows a massive cloud of smoke into your face

                                            >This new body's virgin lungs can't handle the smoke and you break into a coughing fit

                                            >"Now don't be difficult Anon, I think it's a rather simple question. What did you learn today?"

                                            >You can hardly even inhale between your wheezing, and water starts forming in your eyes

                                            >A pen and notebook appear in Discord's hands and he begins scribbling down god-knows-what

                                            >"Mhmm, interesting. Why, I never thought such things could be!"

                                            >He drops the items and takes another puff from the cigar, once more blowing its ashy cargo into your reddened face

                                            >While you hack your guts out, he spits in his paw, shakes your hoof, and thanks you for your time

                                            >Afterwords, he presses his hands together and smiles

                                            >"Well, I think it's about time for bed, Anon. What say you?"

                                            >You respond with coughing

                                            >"Now now, no need to be crass. Sleep does the body good, after all. You should be thankful you even have a bed. Why, some people don't even have a roof to sleep under!"

                                            >Is he making fun of you?

                                            >Not that you could do much about it like this

                                            >"Then it's decided. See you in the morning, Anon."

                                            >He snaps his fingers and suddenly you're in a bedroom fit for a young child

                                            >Various toys strung about

                                            >Posters of random bands and movies with the names and titles changed to horse puns

                                            >Standadrd furniture like a dresser, bed, desk

                                            >All this information ascertained while you still recovered from the smokescreen

                                            >Fuck your throat hurts

                                            >You can't tell how long it takes for you to stop, but you know it was way too damn long

                                            >And once you finally do, all you can think about is the bed

                                            >Metal frame, covered in bulky cotton sheets that tingle your hooves when you reach out to touch them

                                            >As you slip under the covers, you fall asleep so fast you barely had time to lay down proper