Gumball(2019): Twas The Night Before June 3rd

 

DADONEQUUS PROLOGUE — TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE JUNE 3RD

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJx2cXR3iq4 (Play in the background on loop for ambiance)

 

Pure white flakes of snow twirled and tizzied in the dark, just beyond the frosted window pane. The soft snaps of cracking firewood being lapped up by eager tongues of fire filled the air along with the wood’s near perfumed scent. The flickering lights filled the library with a soft amber glow, shadows dancing along the spines of old books. As one looked about, one could spot needly wreathes and boughs of holly draped over the dark, stained wooden bookcases.

 

The faint whisper of muffled hoofsteps on a rug came then, followed by the clip clop of tiny hoovesies clacking against the warm floor. A unicorn colt, colored a soft gold, with a rich red mane, stepped through the doorway into the study.

 

There, by the fire, in a high-backed chair of deep green, sat an odd-looking creature, made up of all sorts of animals, and reading something resting on his lap, occasionally adjusting his half-moon spectacles and smoking pipe in the shape of a snowman. Tiny puffs of hearty smoke emerged periodically, in strange, fractal shapes.

 

The colt groaned, shivering and shaking snow from his tail. “Okay, so on the bright side, I think I have a few converts for Christmas...”

 

The creature looked up then, with a happy smile on his long, equine face, snaggletooth shining in the firelight, and his bushy eyebrows rising in surprise.

 

“Oh, a guest! Why, I’m afraid I didn’t see you there...”

 

The colt frowned. “I live here, ‘dad’.”

 

The old draconequus chuckled and set his pipe down, briefly lifting up an upside-down Nickelodeon magazine. SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward were on the cover, posing awkwardly for a holiday photo. “...I’m afraid you’ve caught me in the middle of some light reading as it were...”

 

The colt stared. “Dear lord, the senility finally caught up...”

 

Discord lowered his spectacles and glowered at the colt. The smooth Christmas jazz playing in the background suddenly hit a sour note. “Oh do be quiet you little—I mean... Come sit by the fireside, little colt, and you can have cocoa.”

 

The colt rolled his eyes in exasperation, despite his tail perking up and wagging a tiny bit as he trotted over, struggling up onto the crimson chair opposite. Eventually he settled among the large green cushions that were larger than he was.

 

Discord leaned back in his chair, puffing on his snowman pipe, making a brief cloud that resembled a very confused and distressed pony that was wondering why it was suddenly a puff of smoke. The colt coughed and waved his hoof—dispelling the smoke and most likely killing the poor thing—and discovered a large mug of cocoa had appeared in front of him, with little bobbing marshmallows.

 

Setting down the pipe, Discord leaned back and gazed into the fire, chuckling and wiping his spectacles on his red plaid smoking jacket. The pattern on the jacket didn’t follow with the movement, and remained static despite the rustling fabric. “Ah the holidays... such a time of year...”

 

The colt lapped suspiciously at his drink. “Hey, this actually tastes like cocoa for once!”

 

Discord steamrolled over the boy’s world-shattering discovery. “A time for joy, a time for friendship and family. A time for gift cards, and discovering that the water you used to keep the Christmas tree alive had leaked out and soaked the bottom of the presents...”

 

The colt sipped at his drink, and wiggled a tiny bit to get comfortable, frowning when one of the pillows tipped over and leaned on his head. A quick flash of his horn and a rich blue magical aura fixed the thing right.

 

Discord let out a happy sigh. “Bickering relatives, chipping ice off the windshield, waking up with frostbite in the frogs of your hooves because the heating system failed last night...” He gagged for a second, and spat up a candy-cane, putting it back in his mouth and nibbling on the end. With a twinkle in his eye and a content grin on his face, he looked towards the camera. “These things are what the holidays are all about. To me, at least.”

 

The colt looked up at the camera as well, a few marshmallows puffing out his cheeks. He regarded it curiously, because the camera certainly wasn’t standing there and recording a second ago.

 

Discord’s grin widened, as he threw the magazine in the fire and reached up, grabbing a thick tome from nowhere. “In fact, all this talk of holiday cheer has me in a particularly mood.”

 

The boy opposite paused, before sighing, a tiny smile at his lips. “A particularly what mood, Mr. Discord?”

 

“Well I’m glad you asked!” Discord smiled at the colt.

 

The colt stared back.

 

The saxophone continued to trumpet.

 

Discord looked down to the book, ignoring both the question and the colt’s snort of amusement. “I have a book here—a book full of my very favorite holiday stories!”

 

Raising a hoof, the colt pointed something out. “You keep saying holiday.”

 

“That’s because I’m responsible for the war on Christmas.” Discord idly waved his paw.

 

“Mhm.” The colt chuckled into his cocoa.

 

“In fact, since you’re here with me, let’s go over... perhaps one of my most favorite stories of all.” He opened the large book, which promptly began to scream throatily.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAA—”

 

He slammed the book shut, and tossed it behind his chair. “Forgot about that.” He reached up again, pulling out a different book. “Why don’t we just settle for one of my second-favorite stories. Hm?”

 

The colt was not giggling, and he would fight you if you said so. “Okay.”

 

Discord opened the book with a wince, and sighed when no screaming came forth. Licking the thumb of his lion’s paw, he flicked through the yellow pages, apparently coming upon one that he liked.

 

“Oh, yes, I like this one!”

 

He cleared his throat, with a mighty ‘ahem’ and tucked his spectacles further back on his nose.

 

~“’Twas the night before June 3rd, and over the bridge,

A boy was sipping a drink, he stole from his friend’s fridge.

Flipping the bird, into the black bay did he piss,

Aloud the young man wondered, “What could be better than this?”

 

The colt laughed uproariously. “Oh? That’s the story you’re telling? You big liar! That’s not at all like it was!”

 

Discord lowered the book, raising a bushy eyebrow.

 

“I mean—sure I was a bit buzzed...” The colt grumbled and lay down again, tilting his head up over the lip of the mug to lap at the marshmallowy cocoa within.

 

Discord lifted the book up again, and cleared his throat with a pointed, and mightier ‘ahem’.

 

~“Quite a few things, would I think.” Bespoke a voice, snide in pitch.

And unfortunately sloshed, wobbly from booze quite a bit,

Able to handle a start, the boy was not—not a whit.

So over the side,

Way down to the brine

The boy quickly fell...

...Like a giant bitch.”

 

The colt snorted, getting cocoa in the fur on his nose. Discord turned a page, wetting his lips.

 

~“To our boy’s good fortune, was our draconequus friend,

Blessed not only in looks, but in wit beyond peer—

With the snap of a claw, to the careening youth did he tend.

“Perhaps away from ledges should you stay, when drinking a beer?”

 

Discord pitched his voice up into a whiny, nasally impression.

 

~“Why are you talking weird—good god, what are you?”

And the dragon did smile, for he knew that was his cue.

 

~Bowing low and smiling, twirling a hat,

“Discord, Spirit of Chaos—it’s simple as that!”

 

~“Wait, from the pony show—my god, oh no—am I dead?”

“From that little TV show? I mean, sure, if you so wish!”

“And as for the latter half—I mean, sure, if you so wish...”

Pointing below, to the sea, implication not unsaid.

 

~“Well, what do you want?” The boy asked quite rude.

What else expected, A street rat so crude.

 

~“Oh little orphan, only to help you!”

“For I hope you see, your life I reviewed.”

“A youth full of pranks, and fun was abound—”

I couldn’t bear to see—your hopes in the ground.”

 

~”On vacation I am, or perhaps a time-out...”

“Out to see all the sights, until tempers are cool.”

“A plan have I hatched, one to show me devout...”

“To all the little rules, of so-called ‘friendship school’”

 

~Despite the deadpan stare, prattling on, Discord shared,

“Less of a plot, and more of a—”

 

~“Are you—are you like... doing a poetry thing?”

And Discord did pout, he ruined his rhyming scheme.”

 

The colt snorted, his head buried in the mug. A second’s worth of effort, and his head popped free, a tiny bit of marshmallow on his nose. “What rhyming scheme? You keep switching the structure up every stanza.”

 

Discord rolled his eyes. “You can’t honestly expect me to stick with just one style for the whole thing, can you? Honestly, how boring.”

 

The colt just returned to frowning into his mug, peering down into the bottom and lifting the thing up, trying to reach the last of his drink. Discord cleared his throat with the mightiest and phlegmiest ‘ahem’ yet.

 

~“I know it seems weird. It’s not—It’ll pay off in... like... half a year?”

“Now look at this sheet I have—If you will please sign right here...”

 

~Picking up the sheet and pen, over the terms he did read.

“Now hold on just a second, what kind of deal is this here?”

 

“Don’t worry, adolescent—this is no funny business!”

“Rather than a scam, its more... of a family business...”

 

The colt snuggled into the pillows next to him, shutting his eyes. “Hm... You rhymed here with here and business with business.”

 

Discord rose, throwing the book into the air, where it remained. “Oh honestly! You think I practiced poetry while I was stuck in stone? I’m the Spirit of Chaos, not the Spirit of Arts and Farts! I actually go out of my way to do something nice for Hearth’s Warming...”

 

Discord paused when he saw the twinkle in the colt’s eye and the mischievous curve to his mouth.

 

Rolling his eyes, he floated back down into his chair, which had changed into a forest green recliner. “Oh yes, ha ha, you got me. Now, where was I before I was interrupted?” He thumbed the pages of the book, which had fallen back down.

 

“’Family business.’ You were really proud of that line, weren’t you?” The colt lowered his head again, eyes lidding slightly.

 

Discord shrugged. “It was clever and accurate. What can I say, I wield the written word like a fine sword...”

 

“Ha. Sure.”

 

“I am a draconequus of many talents. Now hush.” he said, clearing his throat this time with a noise akin to a kitchen sink being ripped off the wall and shattering on porcelain tiles.

 

“Hm. Ba da dum... hm. Ah, here we are...”

 

~As the adult’nt read on— “Brazen, if you don’t stop laughing—I’m a physical god, if I want something to be a thing in this dimension, I can make it a thing!”

 

“You can’t get enough of human phrases, can you?”

 

“I find them interesting, can you get off my back?” Discord’s tail coiled around the colt’s midsection and picked him up, placing him back on the seat, from where he had not-so mysteriously vanished to Discord’s withers.

 

The colt laughed and pushed off his snake tail before yawning widely. “You get off my dang back!”

 

Discord rolled his eyes again, lips curving involuntarily.

 

~As the adult’nt read on—”I believe I told you to get off my back, Brazen... can I finish the story or no?”

 

~As the dumb human read on, the ancient spirit coiled close,

“Sure, it may seem very odd, and certainly not for most.

Think of it as a fresh start—very fresh start might I add.

Since, sorry, spoiler alert—this night ends not as you planned...”

 

~The old goat snapped his fingers, and on a screen from nothing,

A scene most disturbing for the boy who starred in the act,

A fight breaking out between the youth and another drunk

Ending with a fateful shove, into the sea, the boy sunk.

 

~Looking quite green, the boy turned, looking further down the bridge

And o’er there, frozen in place, was the fat, boy-shoving, midge.

“Oh don’t fret, he can’t see you, so don’t you worry ‘bout that!

I went ahead and stopped time, for a quite leisurely chat.”

 

~”Allow me to be clear now, for you have gained my respect,

Enough hardship to fell men twice your age you have been decked.

From hustle to ill-thought scheme, pranks making chaos compound

Despite the world crushing you, you have never once bowed down.”

 

The colt yawned again, and nuzzled his head into the cushions, looking up as Discord turned a page. “Low-key, that was the most genuinely nice thing you’ve ever said to me.”

 

Discord continued onto the next page, picking the book up slightly.

 

~”Think now, what have you to lose? Not much, I think you’ll admit.

New life in a brighter land? Plus, it comes with benefits!”

 

~Twirling his talon mid-air, out of nothing, smoke billowed.

A cute colt formed and with a snap a horn and wings appeared.

“If you think for a second, you’ll see this is quite the score

So please, what do you say? You scratch my back, I scratch yours?”

 

~And so, with a long look back, and some hours of debate,

The boy finally agreed, deciding to change his fate.

And with the whip of a pen

A contract signed into law—

The teenager reached over,

grabbed hold,

and shook Discord’s paw.

 

The spirit known as Discord read on, describing great portals of light, and the arrival to a land quite bizarre—of a quaint house in the abyss, with stairs that led to nowhere. He talked of panicking princesses, and a grand entrance fit for royalty.

 

But as he read on, the colt’s eyes closed, and at last the serpent looked over and saw the colt fast asleep, drooling on the large cushions.

 

“The trumpets heralding, and the servants chanting... Hm. But perhaps that’s a story best told later... at least when my audience is awake to appreciate it.” He mused, waving a paw and summoning a warm blanket for the little colt.

 

Discord shook his head and tutted, picking up the candy-cane again and plopping it in his mouth. “Falling asleep in the middle of my performance, how rude...” His lips slowly turned up into a soft smile as he watched the colt snuggle into the blanket, his snake tail flicking contentedly.

 

“Merry Christmas to you, to you a good night and all that... Oh dear, I seem to have gotten attached... again...” Sighing and chuckling to himself, he picked up the large book and began reading over it, now taking puffs of smoke through the candy-cane. “Well, not much to be done about...” He turned the page, reading along and promptly froze.

 

His eyes fell to very particular lines, and slowly, his lips turned and slithered from his fond, content smile to a curving, curling, wicked one, stretching from ear to ear.

 

“Oh? Oh ho ho... that would be perfect...”

 

Because you see, Discord just got an idea.

 

An awful idea.

 

Discord just got a wonderfully, hilariously BRILLIANT IDEA.

 

Discord looked up from the pages of the books and winked, snapping his claw.

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS DADONEQUUS