Fat Equestria Worldbuilding: Redacted reports

Year 3 of Princess Twilight’s Reign

13th day of the 5th moon cycle

Maintaining the era of peace

NOT FOR PUBLIC RELEASE – REVISION REQUESTED

 

During early preparation for the Festival of the Two Sisters, a royal expedition leader overseeing the events in Ponyville scouted a location near the Everfree Forest with the intention of constructing a temporary supply base to lessen the burden on Equestrian mail services and local infrastructure. The expedition leader, whose identity will remain anonymous for privacy purposes (but you’ll know who he is when you see him) was already rather corpulent, well within the 95th percentile of ponies in the empire even with recent changes in culture and culinary standards. Reportedly, he spent unreasonably large amounts of time and royal funds at Ponyville’s various bakeries and restaurants, stopped the caravan at Sweet Apple Acres for a prolonged lunch, and rented a very expensive VIP room for himself at a local inn. The expedition leader claimed it was because the bed and room were large and reinforced enough to accommodate him safely, which may well be true, and he did rent out rooms for the entire expeditionary team in the premium section.

Over the course of a week, Ponyville citizens and expedition members alike remarked within earshot of intelligent assets how the expedition leader was visibly larger with each day, quickly outgrowing the expedition suit. When confronted, the expedition leader would feign ignorance or proclaim the entire stock of uniforms he brought had “shrunk in the wash”. Sounds emanating from his room at night suggested he was instead engorging himself before bed even more than during the day. Near the final day, the expedition leader tried in vain to cover up his embarrassment at his rotund belly, bulging out of a torn black shirt, preventing him from entering the nearly-finished storage warehouse through the doorway by claiming “nopony could break in and steal culinary goods” from the shed, despite him being the only pony large enough to be blocked by the door, and him being a unicorn.

On the final day, the expedition team spotted gelatinous cubes approaching from the Everfree Forest. Per safety regulations, the team quickly donned protective hazmat suits. The expedition leader, distracted by the inability of the suit to cover his recently gained ~30 pounds of blubber, was surprise attacked by one of these cubes, which forced a small amount of itself down his throat before he could slip a mask on. The cubes ceased movement after a single physical or magical attack, and the other expedition members were quick to wrap the cubes in sealed boxes. Expedition members report the leader’s eyes faintly glowing as he took his mask off, poked the slime cube to ensure it was inert, and proceeded to swallow the slime whole, followed by another nearby slime that hadn’t been boxed up yet. His eyes reportedly glowed more brightly in a shade of red- the same color as the slimes that had attacked, and despite his belly being visibly engorged, he appeared ravenous. Expedition members rushed him to a restaurant in town, sensing he may devour the rest of the slimes before they could be scientifically studied. A young mare on the expedition team was later found to be another victim of the slimes. She had clumsily failed to put her mask on, and was forcefed by the slime. Despite her otherwise athletic and healthy nature, she was found with a belly stretched four times its normal size near the team’s food storage.

Reconvening later that night, the expedition leader and the young mare had both returned mentally to normal. Physically, the expedition leader was estimated to have gained approximately 150 pounds, having devoured two slimes and the entire stock of both a local hayburger fast food restaurant and Sugarcube Corner. The mare was estimated to have gained 50 pounds, and could not fit in any of the expedition uniforms she had brought. Construction was completed quickly, and a detachment of royal guards was dispatched to assist the expedition team members and Ponyville locals that would be working on the rest of the festival’s preparations.

 

The expedition leader and the victimized mare are currently being held for questioning and the slimes have been taken to Canterlot for research. Despite modern proclivities, it is strongly recommended to avoid any such slimes, to used magic or ranged attacks to subdue them if they cannot be avoided, and to dispose of the remains rather than ingesting them.

-Scribe Sunset Pauldron, Royal Equestria Intelligence Agency

[At this time, we will be publishing a report advising citizens to avoid the Everfree Forest and all its flora and fauna.]

 

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Equestria Science Daily

Year 3 of Princess Twilight’s Reign

18th day of the 5th moon cycle

New Creatures Discovered… And They’re Delicious?

By Mint Cupcake

 

A new species was discovered near the Everfree Forest last week, and they’re living slimes? That’s what the expedition team sent to prepare for this year’s Festival of the Two Sisters say, anyway. Two of them even got to eat the slimes! Oh, and by “got to eat them”, I mean were totally forced to. I was told not to give out their names, so I’ll call them “Expedition Leader” and “Expedition Mare”. Expedition Leader has been a good friend of mine since I was a not-so-little filly, so I’m not surprised at all to hear he went to town on slime and restaurant alike. He was always a big eater. Expedition Mare, on the other hand, was a star athlete, like a Rainbow Dash in earth pony form, so it’s weird that she’d devour a slime and half the camp’s food, right?

 

The Canterlot Science Academy has been hard at work studying these slimes, and sending carefully protected expedition groups that aren’t staffed by big gluttons and confident klutzes to capture more of them. Here’s what they’ve found:

• The slimes that are “living” will try to forcefeed themselves to you!

• The slimes are as easy to “kill” as a clay pot, but the only difference between a living and dead slime is the dead one won’t try to feed itself to you.

• The slimes are completely sanitary. Even if you dump one in the sewer, when you pull it out it’ll be as clean as a freshly baked pie. It won’t even smell!

• They come in different colors and flavors. Red is cherry, yellow is lemon, blue is blueberry, pink is strawberry, and green is minty good!

• A whole slime is estimated to be worth 200,000 calories. Assuming a pound of fat is 3500 calories, and your daily caloric metabolic rate was sated, eating a whole slime can make you gain just over 57 pounds! And you will see and feel that fat growing in real time.

And here are some really weird things the science team found:

• When ingested, the slime takes over the pony’s magic powers, whether they’re a Unicorn, Pegasus, or Earth Pony. Unicorns can’t cast spells, Pegasi can’t fly, and Earth Ponies can’t farm. While their powers are gone, their stomach capacity and overall elasticity are massively increased! Even a filly can fit a whole slime in her belly, and will ask for more. (No, the science team didn’t make a little filly eat a slime. She apparently snuck in and did it herself, no regrets. Reminds me of me!)

• As we saw with Expedition Leader and Expedition Mare, slime-eaters become ravenously hungry and will eat everything in sight either until there is no more food, or their extended capacity reaches its limits. Their eyes will glow the color of the slime they ate too.

• Slime’s effects last until the slime is fully digested, which can take a while.

• Slime can be baked into things like pies! Smaller doses like this will still have an appetite, capacity, and caloric intake boost, but at a much more manageable level. Combine it with real fruit and overload your tastebuds!

If you’ve seen me around town or at my main job at the Silver Whisk Café, you know I really, really enjoy food, so when Moondancer asked me if I wanted to help with science again, I waddled my way right over! Neither I nor my friend Expedition Leader were allowed to sample an entire slime, but I got to bake enough sweets with slime samples to feed the entirety of Canterlot twice over! In my professional opinion, the mental effects of the slimes are real, but the desire to overindulge yourself with them comes from the fact they taste dangerously delicious. I can’t fit my lucky apron around my belly anymore, and my plot gets denied by doors and chairs all over. Expedition Leader’s big belly is getting also getting very acquainted with the floor. Of course, we each ate two slimes’ worth individually, plus all the calories from the cakes and pies… with my special recipes involving amounts of butter even Expedition Leader thinks might be excessive…

 

In conclusion, in this Princess Twilight era where everypony’s getting a little bit chunkier (not that I mind one bit!), slime-infused food and beverages are very likely to become a widely available item! I just hope the science team can figure things out soon, because a lot of ponies are going to be packing on the pounds really fast, and something to help us get around would be really nice.

 

Mint Cupcake is a guest author, known for her work as a baker at the Silver Whisk Café. She occasionally contributes to Equestria Science Daily with articles about food and baking science.

 

[This article has been withheld from publishing by request of the Equestria Royal Intelligence Network]