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House of Boots (By Kirko Bangz)By afterpaste
Created: 2nd October 2021 08:40:44 AM
5th October 2021 05:46:26 AM
Stitched together shorts from bootleg #9 all the way to bootleg #36 for the full experience after realizing it was a long string in the same house
Outside on your doorstep is a big package sent to you from your Wuhan pen pal, “Ko-ff sneexe”.
You eagerly bring the parcel in and tear it open.
Suddenly packing foam and paper slips explode out from inside.
A little blue dragoness looks up at you with big eyes.
This isn’t the Batpony he promised you.
There’s a note.
“I can’t read this.”
The dragon tugs on your sleeve.
“I don’t want any wontons. What is your name?”
“I’m not hungry. What’s your name?”
“NAME! NAME! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!”
This isn’t what you expected.
Special price! Own your own dragon assistant! Only $200!
You saw the picture of Spike and got excited. Your own dragon bro, Spike? Yes please!
That’s the last time you trust any product from Bethesda studios.
A plate with a steaming egg roll is shoved into your face from below.
“No dim-sum! I’m not hungry!”
The little dragon stands there for a moment looking down at the greasy snack.
“I don’t want fried rice either! Stupid no refund policy...”
She tugs your pant leg.
“I’ll have a fortune cookie later.”
Until then, time to go post about this on reddit
You and other people who bought these shoddy bootleg dragon assistants raised all kinds of hell about how Bethesda lies to you about their products.
You’re looking at YouTube videos of the coverage, when your arm is tapped.
“What is it Dim-Sum? I’m busy.”
She plays with her claws, shuffling in place.
You stare at her in silence, as she goes on.
She blushes, covering her face.
“I thought I said I don’t want chow mein right now! Is all you know Chinese Food?”
Dim lowers her eyes, annoyed, before walking away into another room.
"HO YEAH! THAT'S THE GOOD SHIT!"
Today is a great day.
Thanks to all the customers uniting together, and complaining(and the class-action lawsuit threat) Bethesda saw the error of their ways, and begin sending out the proper Dragon assistants they promised to those who bought the $200 special edition Spike the Dragon™ personal helpers.
Can you believe they offered to give you Five bits as compensation at first?
You can't even buy "Princess Thun" with that!
All you have to do is enter in all your information on the websites ticket support page, and presto! You're getting a Spike!
Dim-Sum watches from nearby in an that says: "我喜欢Anon". The only part you recognizer is the last bit of it.
It probably says, "die" or Kung-fu" knowing her.
You gleefully enter in your information, as she messes with the apron, concern spread on her blue face.
You turn to her in your office chair.
"Good news Dim! You're going home!"
"That's right! Bethesda is gonna take you back so, you won't be miserable here anymore!"
"I know! You'll get to see all your friends!"
You continue to fill it out.
She runs to you, grabbing your shirt, and shaking you.
Someone is excited to leave... or she's asking if you like egg foo yung.
"Stop Dim-Sum! I like Shrimp lo mein more, okay? geez..."
Tears start to fill Dim's eyes.
The little dragoness releases your shirt, slowly backing off with low hanging fins.
She leaves the room with little sobs.
"Wow. Guess she's a wanton soup type of girl.
You open the door, to a smiling mailman, holding an egg.
"Are you Anon?"
"I am! Is that my Spike™ Personal helper?"
"Yup. Fresh out of Bethesda's shipping!"
The take the egg, rubbing it against your face affectionately, as if you squeezed it out of your own birthhole.
Dim-Sum stands in the doorway of the kitchen with scared eyes.
"Ah! Dim-Sum! Come here. It's time to go with the nice man."
Dim takes a step back, slowly shaking her head.
"Dim. Get over here!"
She waddles off into the kitchen, where you can hear pots, and pans rattling around.
You, and the mail man watch on.
"I'm sorry about this. Just give me a moment..."
You sit the egg down, and head into the kitchen after Dim, who's hiding in your lower cupboards.
"Floor! Come out here!"
"I don't know why you're talking about Chinese food right now, but I need you to come out here!"
She stays quiet this time. Guess you have to go in, and get her.
You open the cabinet door, reaching in for her soft scaly hide.
Something dull, and pointy runs over your hand.
"You know you can't bite me Dim. Your fangs aren't shape like the actual thing."
You grab her stubby leg, and yank her out.
"Mhm. Pu-pu platter to you too."
Tossing the struggling dragon over your shoulder, you head back to the waiting Mail man.
"Yep. There'll be tons of rice to eat!"
She starts to beat on your back with her little fists.
"Here you go sir. Go ahead and take her back."
The Mail man holds his hands outward.
Dim gasps, trying to keep out of his grasp.
"N-Noooooooo! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
You stop in shock.
"Dim, did you just speak english?"
"No no no no!"
You tilt your head.
"Are you saying you want to stay here?"
You hand her over to the postal worker, as he leaves with a screaming Dim-sum.
It's been about a month now with your brand, and real Spike the dragon helper assistant.
Happy times, and joy right?
Spike runs across the room, with a pile of books, and trips, dropping them everywhere.
The noise nearly makes you fall out of your computer chair.
"GODDAMMIT SPIKE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
He stands up, rubbing his elbow.
"I-I was rearranging your encyclopedias..."
"Are you kidding me? I haven't read them since-"
"Wait, I have encyclopedias??"
You shake off this new revelation and focus on Spike.
"Look. Leave my books alone, and go cook something for me, okay?"
"What do you want? Cupcakes, pancakes, Muffins..."
"Is all you can make just sweet things? How about some fried rice?"
"Fried rice? Who eats that trash? How about a nice salad?"
"A carrot dog?"
"That's just a boiled fucking carrot with ketchup, and mustard between bread."
"I know! Ain't it delicious?"
Your poor anus can take all these vegetables. You haven't had a decent. comfortable bowel movement in days. It's all huge, and dry.
You even had to use a butterknife to break it apart.
Too much info?
"Forget the fried rice. How about Lo mein? Egg fu yung?"
He shakes his head.
"What about Dim-Sum...Dim..."
A wave of sadness washes over you.
"What's that? Sounds pretty gross."
You grab the little bastard by his tail holding him upside down.
"WATCH YOUR MOUTH! SHE WAS GOOD TO ME! Too good for me...and I-I"
Tears start to well up in your eyes as you remember all that Dim-Sum used to do for you. She wasn't the actual Spike, but she was her own entity.
A cute little Dragoness that lived for you, and you tossed her away without a second thought.
"Oh god... WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
You drop Spike, and grab your coat.
You need to get her back. Hopefully it's not too late.
You lay back on the sofa, as Dim-Sum places a tray of dumplings in front of you.
It was a harrowing tale getting her back...
Explosions, graphic sexual content and violence, and the sacrifice of a whiny dragon.
You won’t go into the boring details.
Dim starts playing with her apron strings.
“You silly little bootleg dragon.”
You pat the chinosium dragon on the head.
“I think egg rolls are great too.
That’s your dragon-
You both look at the door, then each other.
Better see who it is.
You get up and answer the door, only finding a box.
“Wait a second...”
It can’t be.
“I thought he shut the site down! This is my Souljapony™ Brand Celestia!”
Dim watches closely from behind.
You start opening the bo-
Something pops out head butting you in the face.
"Scrubs! Fuck them, and these COCK-SUCKING mechanics!"
You slam the controller after getting those hands in Dead or Alive 6 by some Scrublord named "ShutterFly0x".
Dim-Sum walks up next to you in a little Bikini, and poses.
"I don't want a massage right now Dim-Sum! I'm fucking pissed!"
You sit back in your gaming chair, attempting to settle your nerves, only to catch Thun staring at the sun outside the window.
"H-hey Thun. Don't do that. You'll go blind!"
She looks at you with greyed pupils. Uh-oh.
"Yeah, I wish I had some sushi too."
Between these two, and the game, you're gonna have a coronary.
NOK NOK "That's right! That should be my Black Friday special Waifu!"
You excitedly get up, happy to finally get a break from Dim-Sum, and goddamn Thun, who for the record, ate all the asbestos in your attic. don't know why. She just did.
Like "sharp cotton candy" she said.
You open the door, with Dim-Sum clinging to your pant leg, and Thun relieving herself on your Wii U pad, only to be greeted by...a woman...?
Her blank expression puzzles you.
She looks like the "Purple Tsundere" you ordered, but her eyes were...uhhhm.
She raises a hand.
"Greetings. This is the best."
Her voice sounds like a distorted Maud Pie talking through a blown out speaker.
"I don't think she's hungry Dim."
"Are you Anohan?"
Okay, what the actual fuck.
"I'm Aroa. The purple Sundance."
"Don't you mean Tsundere?"
She stares at you blankly, like she's processing your words.
"I am here to pleasure you Anohan, and give you the full girlfriend experience. Now let us collide genitals."
You should seriously get your money back.
On that note,Thun runs into your TV head first cracking the screen.
You hardly noticed the small chirp from the other room, you slowly moved your head towards the sound to see most of her head slink back behind the wall leaving only a curious ear flicking around.
Eventually it's followed by her misshapen horn and a single wide eye, locked on you.
She may be a good ten feet from you right now but you can almost see her shaking, despite her crude frame design it never makes a sound beyond her vocalizations.
Eventually her view shifts from you to something on your counter, only for the smallest second before flicking back to you.
Curious, you look for what she was looking at but your head motion was enough to get a sharp chirp from her and she's gone.
Sighing, you see what she got brave enough to look at, a box of "Sugar Hearts" some off-brand dented cereal box that was discounted at your local store.
And what's currently in your bowl, not even trying to stain your milk hot pink like the box art showed it will.
Looking down at your cereal, you grab pinch one of the dryer pieces in your fingers, they at least got the heart shapes right on some of these.
You hear another chirp from the same area as before, it's hard to understand cricket, but you sear it sounded more, excitable?
Not wanting to risk another spook to your Chrysalis you slowly hold the tiny heart aloft, earning another chirp.
Slowly turning your head to the sound you see nearly all of her now in your kitchen, transfixed on the prize in your hand, only her rear leg is still in her "safe zone" of your living room.
Her wings are buzzing slightly as her tongue darts in and out a little.
As you lower the small heart towards the floor her eyes follow, and she takes a tentative step towards it.
Then she stops, and you notice she is once again staring wide eyed at you, then back to what you have in your hand.
This is actually the closest she has gotten to you.
You move your hand slightly and she chirps and bolts back behind the wall.
Sighing, you half toss the heart where she was, it bounces on the floor and rests near the spot she originally poked her head out at.
After a few minutes of waiting, you slowly see her head cautiously poke back into sight, first looking at you, and then on the now much closer heart on the ground.
She chirps again and almost proudly trots towards it and grabs it in her mouth, her normally wide, scared eyes almost closed and content.
She turns to leave and opens her eyes and freezes, looking at you.
And in a almost shocking display of speed she is out of the room and in one of her many hidey holes she has in your home.
You look down at your bowl, and notice that your breakfast is all soggy and every little red heart in your bowl has drained their artificial dye into your milk.
You are Anonymous, and today is going perfectly.
When you woke up this morning, not only did you wake up fully rested, but also beat the alarm clock.
You had so much time, you even were able to have a warm breakfast of bacon and eggs.
After finishing your morning routine and going to work, things just kept getting better.
Your boss, who is always ready to explode at someone in anger, was actually in a great mood today.
So great in fact, that when you mentioned it was your birthday today, he told you that once you finished your last assignment you can clock out early.
You would normally say no, but you were salaried and would be paid anyways so you accepted the offer.
Before leaving his office, your boss told you that he appreciates your work, and wishes you a happy birthday.
You left work in a good mood, and ended up just going to the store like you originally planned.
You quickly zip through the mostly empty store, filling your basket with all the things you needed, plus a bottle of the whiskey you like for tonight.
Cutting into the candy isle, you notice a bunch of Valentine's Day candy marked 80% off.
You've never kept track of when that day was, as you never had a significant other, but the holiday must have just past.
On impulse you load up your basket with the cheap chocolate.
It was your birthday, and you felt it was a nice treat for yourself.
It wasn't the last thing you would get for yourself, but that wouldn't come until later tonight.
When you arrived home, you put the groceries away, except the whiskey which you leave out on the counter.
You live in a small, but comfortable house your grandparents left you when they passed.
You had a lot of good memories here, and since you lived nearby you helped your grandparents regularly.
Some didn't like the fact you received such a large share of the will, but where were they in the last years?
The house wasn't in the best of neighborhoods, and it was old, but it was way better than that old apartment you used to live in.
You grab a shot glass from the cabinet and head towards the living room, snagging the whisky on the way out.
You set the items down on the table with the TV remote.
Then you take a seat in your comfy recliner facing the TV, and near the front door.
Whipping out your phone, you check how far your package is from delivery.
According to the tracking information, it's ETA is still 7:00 P.M.
Shit, you had a while before the package would be here.
The package you are waiting on is known as a Live Doll.
Its half robot, half techno-magic, and advertised as your best friend forever.
It's something you always wanted, but has always been well out of reach.
Things at the bleeding edge of technology were always expensive; things pulled out of the realm of science fiction cost their weight in gold.
Thankfully you had something going for you.
Your friend, or at least the closest thing you had to a friend, worked for a Live Doll refurbishing company.
He gave you a call recently, saying how they had a custom pony model that was too damaged to repair profitably.
Instead of going through the expensive and time consuming process of decommissioning the doll, he offered to sell it to you at an insane discount.
You jumped at the chance.
The Live Doll still cost a fortune, but nowhere near the fighter jet price tag of a custom new one.
You were so excited to get this package, you wanted to be right at the door when it arrives,
Setting down your phone, you pour yourself a shot of whisky.
You knew you were going to be waiting for a while and came prepared.
You down your shot, switch your glass with the remote, then turn on your TV and DVD player.
On you TV and preloaded into the DVD player is Legend of the Galactic Heroes.
You raise the leg rest and get ready for the long haul.
Your phone dinged.
You immediately snatch the remote and pause the episode.
It was getting to a good part, but the show can fucking wait.
You only enabled notifications for the package tracking app, which must have just gone off.
Checking your phone only confirms it.
Your package is motherfucking HERE.
The race to the door is short, and when you make it you swing it open.
On your doorstep is a beat up, large brown package with half a dozen red labels on it.
Heeding the warning to keep the package level, you grab the box and bring it inside with you, closing the door with your foot.
The package is on the heavier side, but you don't strain to lift it.
You set the package down gently in the middle of the room.
Not having a box cutter on you, you quickly grab one you know is in the kitchen and come back.
Returning, you notice an envelope taped to the side of the box.
Using the box cutter, you cut it loose.
Opening the envelope, you release its a birthday card from your sort of friend.
"Dear Anon, blah blah blah happy birthday, Your Friend, Tony."
You notice a post script.
"P.S. Good luck faggot, you're going to need it."
You begin to wonder what it was that Tony exactly sold you.
Tony told you it was fucked beyond reasonable repair before you bought it, but the core components still worked.
It couldn't be that bad, right?
You also now have a terrible feeling in your gut when you remember the contract stated all sales were final.
Nervously, you cut the package with your box cutter.
Inside the box was not what you were expecting.
When you first opened the package, you fished the user manual and the starter kit out of the packing peanuts with ease.
Then you stuck your hands into the box to pull out something you recognized.
The Live Doll turned out to be modeled after Queen Chrysalis, but badly.
Examining her in her deactivated state revealed a number of defects and weirdness.
What you assumed was supposed to the black chitin was cheap glued on plastic over pink hair.
The plastic was improperly sized, allowing for the pink hair to poke out of many of the joints.
There were holes drilled crudely into the doll's legs, with evidence of the solid pink base and fur underneath
The mane and wings were a shitty colored plastic film, with some holes badly cut into the mane in places.
Then there was the horn, which frankly looked like it was mutilated with a metal file.
All in all, your new best friend looked like shit.
Your stomach dropped, you realize that yes, it really was that bad.
You gently put down the Live Doll on a rug and go for the user manual.
You flipped the pages in the manual for startup instructions.
You needed to know how fucked this thing really was.
You came to the page and the instructions looked easy enough, push the switch and let it ride.
You go back to the doll laying on the floor and flip the switch.
Suddenly, Chrysalis's eyes snap open wide and lock onto you.
At least the eyes look normalish.
You wave your hand good naturedly.
With that, Chrysalis turns and flees down the dark hallway towards the master bedroom.
You reach over and grab the bottle of whisky, taking a long swig right from the bottle.
"The fuck did I just get myself into.
With trepidation, you start to look for your "new best friend."
Entering your bedroom, you flip on the light.
You don't see it anywhere; all you saw was your messy room.
On impulse you check under the bed.
You immediately spot glowing green eyes staring at you.
"Hey, everything's OK. You can come out."
You are rewarded for your attempt at coaxing the Live Doll out with it scuttling deeper under your bed.
You make several more attempts at getting the thing out from under your bed, but end up calling it quits.
Instead you go and fetch the manual to see if it has any hints on what to do.
You look through the manual thoroughly.
You discover some neat things like the fact a Live Doll required only food and water for its reactor to continue functioning.
Other from that, you didn't find anything that talked about what to do if the doll was hiding from you.
Frustrated and feeling a little hungry, you go to the kitchen to have a snack.
You absently start to munch on some little heart shaped chocolates you bought earlier and begin to think.
The doll was in some nasty shape, and even though you know it can talk like the rest of its type, it hasn't said a word.
Everything you read online said the doll should come out of the box and try to be your friend right from the get go.
Instead your doll up and ran away.
Was it afraid, maybe even afraid of you?
You have no idea how to fix that, and even if you did, you'd have to lure it out from under the bed first.
Since diplomacy failed, you wanted to just flip the bed and get it over with.
You knew better tough, as that would just scare it more.
Maybe you could bribe it out?
You thought that could work, but what do you have that the doll would want?
You look at the bowl of chocolates you are eating from, and it hits you.
Everyone likes chocolate, why not give it some and see what happens?
You grab the bowl and head back the bedroom.
You announce yourself.
"Hey Chrysalis, I'm Anon and I want to be your friend. I have some chocolate here, you want some?"
You shake the bowl of chocolates.
The room is silent.
You check under the bed again
Its still there.
She is exactly in the spot you left her, looking at you.
You grab a chocolate and offer it up.
"You want it?"
Its eyes change focus to the chocolate in your hand, but it makes no move to take it.
You slide the chocolate at it.
You watch in fascination as doll inspects the chocolate before finally eating the candy.
Weirdly, the Chrysalis doll starts to make a chirping noise as it happily chewed.
"One problem at a time Anon, one problem at a time.”
Capitalizing on your last breakthrough, you get another piece of chocolate and leave it just out from under the bed.
Instead of scuttling towards the chocolate or even coming closer, its horn started to glow.
The chocolate heart was wrapped in a bright pink glow before speeding off to the doll's waiting mouth.
She ate the chocolate, and started making that chirping noise again.
That was not quite the plan.
You wait and see if anything else was going to happen, but noting did.
It just kept laying in the same spot, staring.
Absently you check your phone and saw it was late.
You also remembered you had to go to work earlier than usual tomorrow for a team meeting.
Meaning you were going to need to go to sleep soon.
You sigh in defeat; you weren't going to sleep in a room where a strange doll was hiding under the bed.
You were going to have to use the guest bedroom tonight.
"I'm going to bed, er, have a good night."
You leave the room with the light on and go about your nightly routine.
You leave the bowl of chocolate on the kitchen floor with a bowl of water in case it wanted something.
You go to the guest room, lock the door, and try to get some sleep.
Another day, another morning chirp
Cricket has been opening up to you recently
It must have been the chocolate you got her
But how does she eat?
You run out to the kitchen and there she is, on the floor, covered in heartios, her favorite cerial
Her wings buzz against the floor franticly, trying to get up to no avail
You watch her from afar for a breif minute, not wanting to startle her too much
Finally you approach her
She starts screaming bloody murder and flailing about, kicking her hooves out wildly, her eyes locked on you
As you come closer you stand there, just out of rane of her frantic kicks as to protect your shins
You cant help but feel sorry for the little gal, she's must be terrified of your touch
You wonder what happened to her before you got her, poor thing
You muster up the most calming voice you can, even though its not much
"Hey hey hey there, calm down little Miss, its okay"
Her eyes widen and she screeches louder
You use your epic gamer skills to manuever around her while she has her eyes closed, careful to avoid her flying numchucks
In one swift movement she's in your arms, your hand holding her scruff
Surprisingly that worked, you didnt think a scruff grab would illicit the same reaction as it does in cats
You look down at the plastic pone
Shes shaking hard with her eyes closed, a small sad wimplering escaping her voicebox
Unsure of what to do, you hold her close to your chest
Driving her muzzle into your chest, she burrows in and melts in your arms, no longer the scared and shivering little bug of a few minutes ago
Up until this point you havent even been able to see her very much
You'd walk by, and she'd run the moment she saw you thundering her way
Occasionally you were able to get her to come close, like when you gave her Heartios for the first time
And when you gave her chocolates, the heart shaped ones
You still wonder where all of that goes...
Either way, outside of scratching on the glass door to get out and chirp on the balcony, and occasionally seeing her eating the bowls of food you leave in the mornings and nights, you havent seen her much at all
Not even when her batteries ran out that one time
No. Not purring, its a soft rhythmic chirping, but low, like the coo of a dove
She certainly is a love bug isnt she...
Not knowing what to do, you stand there for a few minutes, until finally she seems to have fallen asleep
That all must have been quite a scare for her to sap all that power
Speaking of power, how does she even work?
At first she had to charge, it seemed, but now she can sleep?
You dont even remember ever seeing her sleep
You did reskin her and fix some parts, and you know she has logic boards, but outside of that you dont quite know how she gets her energy
You originally had to plug her into your computer when she died
She was too skiddish to catch when she was awake
If you were to take a guess, you'd say she can somehow get energy from digesting food like a human, but that must mean she has to sleep to conserve it when energy is low?
After you confirmed she was in fact "sleeping" as far as you could tell, you set her down on the couch and tucked her in
She sleeps for a good while
A good little sleeper
After cleaning the fallen heartios and solumly picking up the pieces of a broken plate that had come down with the storm, you grab your phone and take a seat across the couch from the little ponycom
You want to watch some youtube videos, but to be honest your curiosity and want to understand overpowers your routine figner taps
When you got her at first you were mad
You needed a friend, a real friend, but she was just a dumb cricket
It got to you so bad that you let her battery die at one point
...dissassembled her, put her in a box in your closet
And though at first it was liberating, it tore at you like a black disgusting stomach-bug
You had brought her back out and looked up where you bought her
Sure enough you were totally ripped off, and you seriously considered rebuilding her to get what you paid for, but...
that wouldn't be right
You knew it wouldn't
After a second you remember what you were doing as a duck stares at you from your phone screen
You've moved on from that, and after she started being a bit more responsive to your advances you became more okay with it
Heh, you act like it has been months
Anyway, after doing a little research you find that the model you thought she was has absolutely no kind digestive capabilities, and the only other results that seemed to have anything promising turned out to be shadows of info
You look at her laying there
"Whatever she is, she is certainly not a normal ponycom"
After about 3 hours the lump in the blanket stirs and grogy bug and bird like sounds come from under the blanket
Her head pops up and swivels around, eyelids droopy
You guess she doesnt notice you, it has gotten a little dark since the Fall of the Heartios
Her hears flick spaztically like little radar dishes as her eyes start to brighten up with full awakeness
Her wings twitch just a tad
You wonder if she can fly with those
A little tongue escapes her mouth and licks her lips
Right, she was hungry wasnt she?
As you watch her in stillness your foot starts to turn into TV static
You try your hardest to move your newly adopted glob of ░░ attatched to your leg, but Chrys notices
In an instant she flinches and scurries away behind the arm of the couch
She comes back
As you settle down she peeks her shiny emeralds over her cover and watches you, her twitchy eyes taking in all the info they can
But then she looks at (you)
Right then you can tell she's thinking about something
Not just merely reacting as a simple mind, but much more
All you can do is stare back into her green orbs and feel something... different, for once
Finally you muster up some words to release the breath you have been holding
She ducks down a little bit, her servos weering, but doesnt run away
She looks around the room, to the TV and the blanket, and over to the cabinate in the kitchen, then back to you
You look over at the kitchen
The box of heartios, now partially depleted, still sits atop the counter
Back to her
"Are you hungry?"
She flinches a little less this time, but says nothing, her eyes locked to yours
You dont know what she's thinking.
It could be anything
A part of your brain wants to say "it could be nothing", but that doesnt seem right at all
They're too... alive
You look down at your stomach, and so does Chrys
"I see... It is that time, isnt it"
A look at your watch confirms it
”I want Shicken Nugget!”
“Finish your hamburger first, cricket.”
She points you with a hoof, her Burger King crown sliding down one side of her head.
”I’m yer pwinsesh! You had to fowwo my orders! I want shicken nugget!”
You roll your eyes, as you browse on your phone.
“Finish your hamburger first cricket! You’ve been whining all day about wanting one.”
She looks down at the half1eaten sandwich and sniffles.
She gives you puppy dog eyes. Fuck. Now you can’t refuse.
“Fine...but only if you pronounce it right. Say “chicken nuggets.”
You stop playing Dying light, to the sound of counting coming from your kitchen.
You get up to go investigate.
You head for the source of the counting, and find it’s coming from Cricket, Thun, and your newest “G5” Pony bootleg “Bump”.
“What’s going on here?”
Cricket looks at you, her wings glittering like a kid who got caught stealing cookies.
Thun as usual is staring at her favorite picture of the “pwetty thun “.
”W-we’re just playing monopoly! I was helping Bump count her cash since I landed on her space!”
“Is that so...?”
”I count to ten! Whaaaaaa-nah! Tuh-oooooooooh!
”No! No! No! That’s not right!”
Upon further inspection, despite Bump’s difficulties with counting, Cricket is actually cheating.”
You cock an eyebrow at her.
“Stop cheating or no “Shickkun Nuggies”.”
”No! Not the nuggies! I hate them!”
”No! You’re speaking nonsense! That’s what it means!”
”No! It’s for tell time! ”
You stop looking up ways to raid /R9k/ with G5 pony memes to a heated argument taking place in the living room.
With a sigh, you get up from your seat to investigate.
Cricket, and Bump are facing off, practically touching snoots.
“What are you two doing out here?”
Cricket buzzes angrily.
”Bump is being stupid! Everything she says makes no sense! It’s a load of COCK!”
You double-take at her potty mouth, but before you can respond, Bump chimes in.
”She wrong! She want to know time so I say look at COCK!”
“CRICKET! BUMP! What’re you saying??”
The black bootleg changeling queen points an accusing hoof at bump.
”Tell her she’s wrong! When you say something nonsensical it’s a COCK. A big ol dumb Cock!”
”No! It is for the time telling! You look at the cock! You no see time? Put your face against the cock!”
They wrestle, while you pinch the bridge of your nose.
“You’re both wrong. Also you’re saying something really naughty.”
Both look at you with shocked eyes.
“Where did you even learn this word from-you haven’t been browsing that mandarin cow sweater knitting forum again, have you?”
Both girls start to sweat beads of guilt.
”It was Thun! She told us!”
”Yes! Yes! She all about cock! Cock this, and cock that!”
You look at Thun, who’s focusing on coloring a picture of the sun.
You look back at the two with an unconvinced curled lip.
“....How many times do I have to teach you this lesson-PRINCESS THUN?!?”
“Are you for REAL?”
”I’m afraid so sir.”
You throw your hands up in frustration. Once again, you were too slow at buying a Pone Es Five. It seems the last one was bought up by a scalper. Bottom-feeding faggots.
Sighing, you pocket your cash, heading to the “Blessed Bye” exit.
Disappointed, you curse your luck.
You look up thinking someone was talking to you, even though your name isn’t “dining”.
You see a refurbished PS4 attempting to get the attention of anyone close enough to hear her, but people ignore her, and walk by.
She’s tries again, but the guy takes his cell out.
You stand there, and watch got a couple minutes, as people pass by, only to give the poor discombobulated pone merch, a shoulder so cold, it’d give a penguin hard nipples.
After continued failures, she hangs her head, chameleon eyes looking in different directions sadly.
You find yourself touching your heart unconsciously.
You already have a PS4. A refurbished one is-
You reach into your pocket and look at your handful of bills.
What should you do?
“That’s ‘hip hip hooray’.”
”Oh! You’re so right, dining!”
There. You did it. You bought another PS4. A refurbished one at that. You totally wasted all that saved up money, buying a model you already had.
The mixed up pony stares out your rolled up windows like a dog, watching the gentle snow fall silently outside, as you drive home.
”Dining, this is amazing! I can’t wait to see my new home!”
You crack a smile. A forced one. Even with her crooked eyes she can tell your true feelings.
She slinks back into her seat slowly.
”I know you didn’t want an old, refurbished model like me, dining...”
You give her a quick glance, but stay focused on the road,
”I was gonna be dismantled if no one bought me today...so even though I’m not what you wanted dining...I’m forever grateful! I love you dining!”
Your bottom lip trembles.
She just smiles.
“I made a GREAT PURCHASE!”
You grab her with an arm, and pull her into a hug.
You let her snuggle inside your jacket the rest of the ride home.
It didn’t take long to win your heart. You only hope the others like her...
Your eyes shoot open.
“What the fuck?”
Your otherwise peaceful rest is interrupted by the smell of burning food wafting into your nose.
Oh no... THE GIRLS!
You throw your covers off and rush to the kitchen, subconsciously preparing yourself for what’s in store.
“GIRLS?! ARE YOU OKAY?!”
Instead what you find is an absolute mess.
Eggshells, wrapping, and containers for things you don’t even see in the kitchen are spread around. Brown puddles and red splotches decorate your once spotless countertops, and in the middle of this whirlwind of chaos?
Rare, Cricket, and Bump.
They each stare at you with big eyes. Seems they were fighting over a thing of French vanilla creamer.
You cross your arms.
“Care to explain?”
They look at each other nervously.
”You see Dining, th-the truth is-“
”IT WAS THUN!”
Cricket loudly proclaims.
“OH WAS IT NOW?!”
”Yeah! Look at what she did on the table!”
Cricket points to a-what IS that?
You can’t describe it. It’s so-
Thun scoots a sliced grapefruit and a spoon over with her snoot to complete the ensemble.
Your face turns red. You’re about to explode like a tea kettle-
The other girls take shelter.
“THUUUUUUUN-I love it, thank you.”
You pace back and forth excitedly.
Your pony from this secret wuhan website is coming today, and it only cost 12 bucks for a FULL size!
Your bowels tighten in anticipation. Do you have time to blast the toilet? Maybe if you hurry, and-
You swing the door open so fast it creates an air vacuum, immediately killing the package poacher who was waiting.
You see a large box with moon runes, and the words “weird dog”, waiting to be opened. You don’t want to keep it waiting.
You slide it in, kicking your door closed.
“Come to papa!”
You rip open the packaging, and tape, tossing the foam peanuts to the side, and reaching deep within to pull out your beloved Appleja-
”Hey kid, how you doin?”
This- this isn’t applejack...well not completely.
The colors are swapped like a palette change for a character in a fighting game, and the accent-
“I’m sorry but...are you Danny DeVito?”
”Fo I look like him? I’m a beautiful blushing lady! A lady! I dare you to say otherwise, punk?”
You’re not sure how to process this.
”Anon, Dining-Cricket is making Thun eat tide pods again-oh?”
Rare wobbles into the room.
”Jacky...? Is that you dining?!”
”Rare! Ya old goat! Whattaya doing here?!”
You’re so lost.
”I live here now. What about the factory?”
”FUGEDDABOUTIT! This my new “stomping ground”!”
Only now do you realize you have a plethora of bootleg products.
Dim-Sum taps you on the back.
”I-it’s cold, anon...”
“I’m sorry Cricket. There’s not much I can do, until power gets restored.”
You, and Cricket sit in your car with the heat turned up, while a gentle snowfall flurries outside. Apparently, Texas is supposed to be such a tough state, but can’t handle snowstorms. Last time you listen to a spongebob character.Now everything is out in the house, and you’re doing your best to keep you and cricket warm. At least the food won’t rot.
She shivers on the passenger seat with a sad look.
You open your bubble jacket, inviting Cricket to cuddle for warmth.
She looks at your outstretched arms and puffy sweater quizzically.
”What is this for?”
You roll your eyes, excusing her grammar.
“C’mere. Come get warm.”
”But Anon, how?”
“Get in the jacket with me!”
She blushes, her fly wings chittering nervously.
She skitters into your chest, like a roach. It was so fast all you saw was a black blur.
She latches onto you like a tick, touching noses with you.
“Uh...don’t you wanna turn....?”
”Japanese? I really think so.”
That joke though.
You zip up the coat, with Cricket still touching noses with you, breathing heavily. She is a bootleg changeling so this shouldn’t be weird...but it is.
“Uh...are you alright?”
Her eyelids lower.
”Yo-you know, people usually get naked and huddle together for warmth....”
Your eyes slowly flicker open.
You sit up in bed, drowsily looking around.
You see all your bootleg friends surrounding you on bed: Thun(who’s actually hanging off the side upside-down), Rare, Dim-Sum, Missie, Bump, and-
->Chu~ chu~ “Cricket…?”
You hear a soft smacking sound echoing from the other room. A dim light can be seen from under the bedroom door in the darkness.
Being careful not to wake the others, you stealthily slip out of bed, going to investigate the sound.
Being in an apartment has its advantages. No creaking floors or doors.
The light is coming from your computer room!
You creep closer, noticing the door is slightly cracked.
You peek through the opening-
You see Cricket at your desk, fixated on the screen.
You need to see what she’s looking at.
You quietly enter, unbeknownst to Cricket, whose attention is squarely on the computer.
You look over her-
“(WHAT THE FUCK?!)”
You silently mouth at what you’re witnessing.
Cricket is on LewdZone.com watching some autist kiss, and suck off a Twilight plushie with a horsecock crudely strapped to her with a belt.
The video is muted, but every so often, Cricket rewinds to the kissing, puckering her lips, and air kissing with her eyes closed.
She opens them again, sighing sadly.
Maybe you shouldn’t interrupt her…but then again she is a waifu(sort of)…
“-and that’s the situation.”
Missie stares at you.
“What? Is this something you can do?”
She rubs her head, looking away, worriedly.
”This…this is a little over my pay grade.”
“What? Aren’t you like, a medical ponebot?”
”Yeah! For like boo-boo’s and owies! Not for the inner workings of a sexually awakening bootleg waifu! Would you think a bottle of sentient aspirin could tell you about something like that?!”
Missie dispenses a band-aid.
“That’s the last time I ask other Anons for help…”
Looks like you’ll have to be the one to give Cricket “the talk”.
”Good luck, Anon. Sorry I couldn’t help.”
You pat the ponebot on her head, before going into the living room.
Thun is staring at the sun on a box of Raisin Bran.
Rare, Dim-Sum and Bump the weird dog are watching Static Shock episodes on HBO GO.
You bite your lip, resisting the welcome distraction.
“G-gotta help Cricket…!”
She’s sitting on your table, staring out the window.
She looks up at you with sad emerald eyes.
“How are y-you doing?”
You hear a gunshot emanate from the TV.
A homosexual white kid is holding his leg. Of course they’re watching THAT episode.
”Did you want something?”
“…Oh! Right! Are you feeling alright?”
Cricket rubs her leg.
She shuffled in her seat(?).
”I don’t know if I can say…”
You put a hand on her head.
“I…I-uh-I saw you last night on my computer-“
”YOU SAW THAT?!?”
The other bootlegs turn around to look at you both.
You wave them off, turning back to Cricket, who’s hiding her face.
“It’s okay. It’s perfectly normal to have those feelings.”
She slowly brings her hooves down.
“Yes!(whatever those feelings may be)”
She smiles a little. Good.
“So tell me what feelings you’re having?”
She sways her head side to side.
”Promise not to laugh?”
Cricket takes a deep breath.
”Well..sometimes I just wanna This is a Christian thread! You can’t see this!___But it’s lewd_basically Cricket wants to get a horsecock in not so subtle words that I just don’t have the heart to make cricket say____sorry if you wanted Bootlewg__
Your eyes widen to the size of saucers.
Cricket jabs a chipped hoof at you.
”See I knew you’d laugh!”
There was nothing in that statement to laugh at.
“I’m not laughing…let’s see….”
You rub the back of your head.
“Those things…should be for someone you love.”
She brightens up-
“Yes-What?! I mean no! Not me!”
She tilts her head confused.
“…But you’re special to me.” “And you to me.”
”So let’s kiss each other’s faces already!”
She latches onto you like a facehugger.
You pull her off, holding her at arms length.
“Aww! That’s third intro!”
Cricket tries to kiss you, struggling in your hands.
Your attention is diverted between tv and bootleg kisses! WHAT DO YOU DO?!
“…and that’s why it’s best you find someone you love UNRELATED to you.”
You say wincing at your bruised cheek.
Cricket lowers her head.
”I see…I’m sorry for biting your plump, juicy heart-shaped dump truck cheeks.”
“Uh…yeah…don’t worry about it.”
That description worries you.
”But now I have another question.”
”What will you do when the others reach…”that moment”?”
You look back at the girls watching Staric Shock on the couch, then to Princess Thu-
“Thun? Where’s Thun?”
Where she was once, now is only a box of punctured raisin brain. A hole right where the sun is.
You pick it up with shaking hands.
Then the power goes out.
”WHAT’S GOING ON DINING?!”
Cricket grabs your butt for support.
”Anon! What’s happening?!”
“I don’t know. Maybe a power outage?”
It’s pitch black, but in the darkness you can hear something.
”Happy 4th Anon!”
“You too cricket.”
It’s Independence Day, so you decided to let the girls play with sparklers. Harmless, right?
Princess Thun is laying in the street slowly burning while the others run around like children.
”Happy fourfa, dining!”
“You too, Rare.”
Dim-sum tugs on your apron with a plate of bats.
“Goddamnit Dum! For the last time, no! We don’t eat that shit here!”
She frowns taking her bats back to the kitchen. Gotta remember to throw those out.
As you’re flipping some grilled corn, an aMAREzon truck pulls up, rolling over a charred princess Thun.(she’ll be alright)
“What’s this? I wasn’t expecting a package.”
The delivery guy hops out the truck with a medium-sized package, putting it on the ground in front of you.
”Sign here please.”
After getting it, he jogs back to his vehicle and pulls off.
“What’s in the box, I wonder?”
Cricket sniffs it.
You tear the tape off-
An unfamiliar purple and yellow horned head pops out.
”Excuse me, Anon…”
You pause your game of GG strive, to address a sullen Cricket.
“Huh? What’s up?”
She tilts her head side to side.
She twists her hoof in the ground.
”Have you ever felt…not-so-fresh? Down there…?”
”I noticed that, lately I’ve been growing hair in weird places, and I smell funny-“
“I dealt with the waifuberty thing, and you chewing on my ass, but this is too much.”
Cricket looks offended.
”How could you?! I’m experiencing confusing changes, and I don’t know what to do!”
“First off-you smell funny because you’re a super advanced bootleg robot encased in cheap plastic. Second, your “hair” is just Thun’s mane taped to your crotch. Also, why Thun’s mane…?”
”It was festive!”