DerpyRape I guess?



                                            >You stride your way through the market square, keeping an eye out for that toothpaste colored mare you adore so much who seems to have an infatuation with your hands.

                                            >Guy-bra or something...

                                            >She never managed to whimper her name out in completeness, due to the mulling over your hands beautiful nature or some gay shit like that.

                                            >She's a real hoot when she isn't being a creep about your extremities though, not just your hands, feet too.

                                            >Footfags are eternal.

                                            >Either way, you do consider her a friendly mare amongst most others, only cause she doesn't just up and try to rape you.

                                            >She may be a creep, but she has STANDARDS.

                                            >Unlike a nonselect amount of mares in this town.

                                            >Speaking of...

                                            >While you fumble your way past a few groups here and there, you notice a poorly constructed sales counter, with a poorly transcribed "MUFFINS FOR SALE" sign affixed to it's front, many of the letters backwards, the s in muffins replaced with a z.

                                            >Only one pony you know, would make mistakes like this, and keep them visible despite knowing it's wrong.

                                            "Derpy!"

                                            >The gray, current muffin salespony, mailmare extraordinaire's head follows your voice, and upon noticing you, both of her eyes do the same.

                                            >"ANON!" she shouts in excitement before leaping from behind her poorly made stand, knocking over several trays and presumably a vital structural support screw, as the entire thing crumbles into a pile.

                                            >She's not worried about it at all, seeing as she's flying towards you at mach five speeds, intent on tackle hugging you.

                                            >Of course with reactions like yours, you easily sidestep her, only for her auto lock on to kick in, and you succumb to the forces of Newtonian principle.

                                            >A grunt escapes you and she squeezes your midsection tightly enough for you to believe you've broken a rib or two, and then she lets up, freeing you of all pain and giving you ample breathing room again.

                                            >"Anon I've missed having you come by and buy muffins every day! Why'd you stop coming?"

                                            "I told you YESTERDAY, I can't keep buying and eating all those muffins. They're too addictive. I'll wind up getting fat."

                                            >"Nuh uh! Derp-D-A approved for actually contributing to monkey man weight loss!"

                                            >You chuckle briefly and begin to rise to your feet, a gray and blonde weighted vest making it more difficult to maintain your balance again.

                                            "Jeez Derpy, I just saw you yesterday. What's the big deal?"

                                            >"I just missed you. A lot."

                                            >You roll your eyes and begin the arm crowbar to pony procedure, to no avail, so now you're stuck with a Derpy strapped to your chest.

                                            "Come on bubble-butt. Need you to pop a squat. I got some bidness' to take care of."

                                            >"Pop a...oh...I didn't know you were into that Anon."

                                            >Goddammit Derpy.

                                            >You sigh heavily and slow walk your way over to what you've now started to designate as Lyra's Corner(tm), and lean gingerly over the sales counter while the mint mare is distracted, seemingly taking stock, her back towards you.

                                            >"Just a moment. I have to make sure I have-"

                                            "The special golden leaf strings I requested for my harp?"

                                            >Her eyes dart upwards, and she whips around so fast you swear she'd get a concussion if she had to stop turning on a dime any faster.

                                            >"Oh hello Anon. I wasn't expecting you so soon."

                                            >You toothily smile and lean further over the counter, placing both your elbows on it.

                                            "Well I thought maybe you'd have things in order sooner if I stopped by sooner."

                                            >"Well you know how it is...everypony always wants something they can't get somewhere else."

                                            "Ain't that the truth."

                                            >"Well, just gimme a few seconds and I'll find where I put those strings, I know you need them but-"

                                            >She begins to trail off, but you're more worried by the fact that the gray mare pseudo stuck to you is starting to get a little too comfortable.

                                            >She's begun sniffing your chest and panting heavily, making sure to blow hot breaths occasionally through your t-shirt.

                                            "Derpy."

                                            >"Mfhffm."

                                            "Knock it off."

                                            >She unplants her face from your chest and stares up at you, her eyes completely in focus and locked onto yours.

                                            >"Make me your little buttermuffin Anon~"

                                            "For the love of-"

                                            >"Here you are!" the music mare chimes your way, magic-ing a box into your reach.

                                            "Oh thank heavens. I don't know what I could ever do without you."

                                            >She blushes and tries to hide her face with a hoof.

                                            >"Aw thanks Anon. You don't know how much it means to have you-"

                                            >"Please Anon I want some muffins in my oven too..."

                                            >The salesmare immediately pokerfaces and resumes taking stock.

                                            >"I ehm. Presume you're a little busy there."

                                            "WAIT NONONONONONO SEE THIS IS JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING-"

                                            >"Please Anon..I need it. I need it so so bad."

                                            "CAN YOU FUCK OFF??"

                                            >"Hmph." the mare behind the counter lets loose the box from her magical hold.

                                            >As it thuds on the counter, you struggle to try and remove the mailmare from your chest again.

                                            "Listen it's just-"

                                            >"That'll be fifty-five bits Anonymous."

                                            "W-What happened to thirty? I thought we-"

                                            >Derpy starts dry humping you and making this weird noise that's a cross between a growl and a moan while you aggressively yank her left and right.

                                            >"Fifty-five bits."

                                            >You sigh and try to reach into your back pocket, only to stumble over again, Derpy straddling you now.

                                            >"Oooh Anon I knew you wanted it too. Can you feel how wet I am down there..?"

                                            "Oh fucking CHRIST PLEASE STOP."

                                            >"Hold on...I can make it wetter." she says, bracing herself, wings springing free, eyes criss-crossing once again.

                                            "Wait. What are you doing."

                                            >She sticks her tongue out a little bit and a sigh of relief leaves her throat.

                                            "No."

                                            >Warm wetness begins to flow over your torso and you cringe in disgust, knowing fully well she's just...

                                            >"You did tell me...'pop a squat' right?"

                                            "Derpy." you manage to spit out, voice hoarseheh, on the verge of tears.

                                            >"Does it feel nice and warm?"

                                            >You roll over and quickly counter mount her, bracing all your weight on her shoulders.

                                            "Why. In GODS NAME-"

                                            >"Anonymous. I'm going to have to ask you to politely leave. You and your little marefriend there have not only disrespected me and my psuedo-monopolistic business, the means of which I have assured no other pony can compete with me, but you have also disgusted me personally with you willingness to show just how depraved you both are. I want you both out of my sight for at least twenty four hours. Good day and good morrow human."

                                            "But I-"

                                            >"I SAID GOOD DAY AND GOOD MORROW!"

                                            >You release Derpy and whimpers pathetically on the ground, back legs still absolutely soaked.

                                            "You can't do this to me Minthorse. I have a recital to be to and I absolutely NEED those strings. They're the key to making perfectly brilliant harmonies. Please I-"

                                            >"My name is LYRA!"

                                            "PLEASE! I NEED THOSE-"

                                            >She whistles loudly, and out of the inconspicuous crowd that has amassed itself around you come two stupidly huge stallions, both wielding aluminum bats.

                                            >"BEAT IT, SEE. MISS LOIRA DON'T WANTCH'A HERE."

                                            "M-Muh strings..."

                                            >"It's okay Anon. I'll get you strings if you need them." Derpy says patting your piss coated leg.

                                            >"DON'T MAKE US HAVE TO GET REAL ROUGH WITH YA. MISS LOIRA HERE SEEMS TA' LIKE YA'-"

                                            >"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO MENTION THAT OUT LOUD GEIT!"

                                            >"S-Sorry boss it slipped my mind..."

                                            >"You." Lyra says pointing a hoof your way.

                                            >"Get out of here, before I have my colts here Geit Loust and Neah Breaker do you in."

                                            "Fine..." you say defeatedly, slouching over and beginning the trek back home, muffin horse in tow.

                                            >The crowd pays you little attention as Lyra starts shouting behind you.

                                            >"Hey everypony, we close in about ten minutes, everythings half off until then!"

                                            >A few ponies can be heard cheering and trotting over to get in line.

                                            >"What? Half off? Lucky. I was gonna buy a new set of playing spoons too."

                                            >Your walk home is uneventful, aside from Derpy still trying to 'seduce' you, flicking her tail against your crotch, pretending to find something interesting on the ground a few feet in front of you, and constantly talking about how horny she is.

                                            >By time you make it back home, the piss has dried into your clothes, and you're absolutely miffed you can't attend your later music recital today, and with that being said, there goes this months rent.

                                            >A heavy sigh escapes your lips and you reach into your pocket, jingling your keys, trying to find the right one for the door.

                                            >"So you took me back to your place. You wanna-"

                                            >You take out your keys and open the door, politely shutting it behind you as quickly as possible, putting a doorsworth of space between you and Dumbfuck.

                                            >"Oh. Okay then. I'll see you tomorrow? Same time?"

                                            >She waits a while with no response and knocks a few times.

                                            >"It's a date then!" she finishes before presumably trotting away.

                                            >Fucking Derpy.